Past the Sorrow
by waterwicca
Summary: From the moment they met, they knew what was important: Family, Friendship, and, above all, Love... but they are tormented by pain and misery. They'll need each other to get past the sorrow. MATURE/DARK themes. Slight AU/Eventual collision with showverse setting. Kendall/OC plus epic friendship.
1. Big Time Abnormal Beginnings

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hello readers and writers! This is my first fic ever posted on the site, and I'm very excited it's for Big Time Rush. These boys are so writeable :) This story will be KENDALLxOC but ALL of the characters will be in the story and be very IMPORTANT. I really enjoy writing each of the boys, but this Kendall story is what I had in my head first ;) Kendall is with a female of my own creation in this story, but if you are into SLASH, no worries! I have one-shot ideas rolling around in my head for some slash goodness ;) I'm VERY into reading M stories... In fact, this is T for now, but I will change it to M in the future.**

**An important point I should make: This story is somewhat of an Alternate Universe. The premise is the same with some changes. JAMES, LOGAN, and CARLOS will not appear for a little while but they WILL be mentioned and they are very important to the story. KENDALL is 16 here and he lives in NORTH DAKOTA at the time, NOT Minnesota (more will be explained along the way). EVENTUALLY this world/backstory I'm writing will collide with the actual BTR one except it will be a little more real, a little more dramatic, and A LOT more angsty ;)**

**I think that's it for now ;) Sorry if you are bothered by long Author's Notes, but I will never say anything here that I don't think is necessary for you to know (like what I ate for lunch or something stupid like that ;)**

**I hope you enjoy this, and if you do, please REVIEW. Say anything you want... just let me know that I'm doing something right... or wrong ;)**

**Standard Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush :( but I do own my OC, Sage Henderson. (Last name is Logan's real-life last name because he's sexy/adorable... remember his name is "Mitchell" in here, so NO they aren't related lol)**

**It opens with the OC, but really it takes like two seconds to get to KENDALL lol :D  
**

-_**waterwicca**_

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_CHAPTER 1: BIG TIME ABNORMAL BEGINNINGS _

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_It's been exactly one year since they met and became each other's whole lives... and now it's over. He's walking down a barren street through a torrential downpour at midnight all alone and completely numb from the inside out. She's gone, and he can't find her. How do you go on living without hope when you had true love and lost it?_

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**_One year earlier..._**

* * *

****"Now that we have taken your x-rays, it should be a little while before we can get the results to you. We're swamped."

Sage Henderson sighed as the distracted nurse walked away from the curtain area of the Emergency Room she was in. That was the third nurse to tell her the same thing in the last twenty minutes. This one never even looked up from the chart she had in her arms. Sage didn't mind though. As far as she was concerned, the less contact the better.

"It's a good thing I never have plans," she mumbled, watching as the curtain swayed from the nurse's departure then finally settled back into place, leaving her isolated from the rest of the hospital.

She exhaled softly, blowing a strand of long blonde hair away from her face. She began tapping her fingers against her thigh out of boredom when she cried out.

"Damn it." She grabbed her left wrist remembering its injury as pain shot up her forearm.

"Are you here because you make a _**habit**_ out of talking to yourself?" a male voice rang out from behind the curtain to her right. Sage didn't need to see the boy to know he was smiling.

She froze, her wrist still cradled to her body. She had no idea how to respond. No one ever spoke to her unless they had to, and this guy _**certainly**_ did not have to.

She looked in the direction of the stranger as he revealed himself. A good looking boy pulled aside the curtain that separated him from Sage. He had shaggy, dark blonde hair and appeared to be several inches taller than her 5'5" frame. He wore an orange and red hockey jersey, along with a sly but friendly smile. Leaning on his elbow, he addressed Sage again.

"My name's Kendall Knight," he smiled brightly, allowing it to extend all the way to his pale green eyes, and waved his hand softly before settling it against his waist.

Sage felt what she assumed were butterflies start in her stomach and rise to her throat. It felt so intense. It was more like jackhammers suddenly pounding against her insides. She swallowed heavily, looking away quickly and pushing the feeling aside.

"I'm Sage Henderson," she responded softly, leaning to rest on her back, placing her tender wrist across her stomach.

"What are you in here for?" he questioned her, keeping the smile on his lips as he waited for a response.

"Hurt my wrist," she answered simply, sneaking a quick glance in his direction and then looking down at her sneakers. This had to be to longest conversation she's had in weeks. She felt self-conscious about each syllable that left her mouth. Kendall didn't seem to mind.

"I took a spill on the ice," he explained with out provocation, gesturing to his jersey and then to his head. Sage only nodded, unsure of what to say.

They sat in silence for a while, the conversation stopping before it really started. Sage wasn't convinced that she should engage. It never felt like a good idea to make friends. Kendall leaned back on his bed, mimicking Sage's position, only he placed his hands behind his head and shut his eyes.

"You know…," he started, breaking the silence and causing Sage to look at him quickly, "they say I may have a concussion. So, I probably shouldn't go to sleep…but it's pretty boring around here," he smirked at her, opening one eye to look in her direction. She turned her attention toward the ceiling, studying the speckled tiles as her thoughts raced.

Just when he thought she wouldn't give in, she spoke.

"What's your favorite color?" Sage asked randomly, turning her head to face him. He opened his eyes and did the same. They stared at each other for a moment. His light green eyes connected with her emerald ones, and a smile similar to his own reached Sage's lips.

"Green," he answered. Sage laughed softly, the sound seeming foreign to her.

"Me too," she told him, her smile settling, now comfortably, onto her face like it belonged there.

"How old are you?" Kendall asked, keeping his question basic just as she did.

"Just turned 16."

"Same."

They both grinned playfully as Sage thought of her next question.

"Do you go to Ramsey High?" she asked, leaning up to rest on her good arm. Kendall nodded.

"I'll be starting there in the fall. I'm new in town. My mom, sister, and I move a lot," he explained with a shrug. He started to smile yet again, "Maybe you could show me around…?" he asked, letting the statement hang in the air.

"Maybe," Sage responded, throwing him a smirk of her own; a newly found sense of confidence rising within her. She had no idea what made her agree or even talk to him in the first place, but she couldn't help herself. She felt drawn to him like no one else she had ever met. She had only known Kendall for five minutes, but in those few moments she felt more alive and engaged than she had in the last few years.

"We could go out tonight…whenever we get out of here," Kendall suggested, appearing confident on the outside, only a slight question in his voice. With a hopeful raised brow he sat up fully, swinging his legs in her direction to hang off of the side of the bed.

"Are you always this forward?" Sage asked jokingly, mimicking his actions until she sat opposite of him with her sore arm placed gently in her lap. She smiled sweetly as he seemed to ponder the question.

"Actually," he started quietly, nervously raising his hand to scratch the back of his neck, stopping when he winced as he hit the spot she assumed his skull had connected with the ice. "You're the first girl I've ever asked out," he admitted staring at his shoes, then to hers before finally looking up into her eyes with a small, sheepish grin. Sage felt a bit of shock at his statement, the power tools moving in her gut again, but tried to compose herself quickly before responding.

"Well, then I'm honored," she said coyly, causing his smile to widen.

"So, that's a 'yes'?" he asked, cocking his head to the side and raising one brow.

Sage smiled warmly, studying his striking features. He seemed so expressive and she hoped that she didn't seem dead in comparison. It was hard to understand your emotions when you didn't have much practice with feelings. At this point, she had let instinct take over. The only thing she could fully comprehend was that she felt good around him.

She was warm and she couldn't breathe. It felt as if her heart would stop beating in the sweetest way possible.

"Yes," she finally said. It came out as more of a relieved sigh than a full response. When he smiled it knocked the wind out of her. All she could do was smile back.

"Great," he whispered in a way similar to her response. They stared at each other with matching smirks for what seemed like an eternity…a comfortable eternity…before the nurse from earlier slid the curtain open.

Both Kendall and Sage stared at her in awe. They were unable to process the shift of the energy in the room. While they were talking it seemed as if they weren't in the hospital at all. There had been no more doctors, no more nurses, and no more screaming patients in the hectic Emergency Room of Ramsey General Hospital. However, when the curtain flew aside, the crowd of people and their sounds flooded back into their world.

"Alright, Mr. Knight…" the nurse spoke, oblivious to what she had interrupted, shuffling clipboards in her arms until she found his. He glanced at Sage with a soft smile before turning to the nurse, planting a different, cordial grin onto his face.

Sage began to realize he had many smiles.

This seemed to be a polite one; reserved for strangers. It didn't quite reach his eyes. She couldn't help but smirk when she realized he had never used this smile on her in their short time together. The jackhammers started up inside of her again as she watched him; a warm feeling settled over her. She felt as if she could trust him…like she knew him. Normally she stayed far away from other people, but with him she felt like she just couldn't get close enough.

"The doctor says you're free to go. There's no major injury. The CT scan was clear," the nurse spoke as she scribbled on some papers before handing them to Kendall.

"Awesome," he said hopping to his feet and clasping his hands together, not caring that he crumpled his release documents, "and what about Sage?" he asked gesturing towards her.

"You two know each other?" the nurse asked confused as she shuffled the boards in her hands again.

"Oh, yeah! We're old friends," Kendall responded with a smirk, walking to stand next to where Sage sat. She looked up at him with her own smile, their eyes connecting. They both stilled for a moment; their close proximity seeming to have a strange affect on both of them.

Sage felt a strong pull towards him. It seemed like if she did not reach forward and touch him, she would end up crying out or struggling for air. She felt anxious and desperate like she's never _**needed**_ something so much.

Kendall's arm, which fell near her, ached to just, at least, brush against her. It throbbed almost unbearably. He was sure that he would have thought he was having a stroke if it didn't feel so good at the same time. It felt frightening and exhilarating; better than any adrenaline rush he's ever experienced. He moved to reach for her hand.

Sage could feel her good wrist twitch in anticipation. Just before they connected, the nurse's voice flooded in.

They had blocked out the hospital completely…again.

"Hello? Did you hear me Miss Henderson?" she asked annoyed, snapping her fingers in between the two teenagers.

"Um, I'm sorry. I didn't," Sage admitted sheepishly before balling her hand into a fist just as Kendall did the same. They felt their limbs buzzing as if the blood literally vibrated through their veins, but tried to control themselves when the real world interrupted.

"I said your wrist is just sprained. I'll wrap it up for you, and then you can also be discharged," she explained while moving to a drawer near Kendall to grab an ACE bandage.

"Alright," Sage mumbled. Memories of the reason she was at the hospital flooded in. She stared quietly with vacant eyes at her bruised wrist. It had looked so much worse only two hours before, but now the swelling had gone down significantly. There was only some discoloration below her hand.

"I'm gonna wait here with you," Kendall spoke softly, sitting right next to her on the bed, fearlessly taking her hand into his own. He couldn't understand why, but he felt as if she _**needed**_ him right then.

"Thank you," she spoke sincerely with a shaky breath, her body humming at the contact with his. It felt warm and right against her skin, like their hands were made to interlock.

Kendall stared at their fingers, intertwining perfectly, as he rubbed soft circles on the back of her hand with his thumb. He smiled warmly, his breath catching in his throat as she moved slightly so that her shoulder met his. They both knew they would still be shaking if they hadn't had each other to lean on.

Kendall never felt so physically and emotionally pulled to someone, let alone a stranger. He shook his head softly at the thought. 'Stranger' wasn't right; it implied no connection and there _**definitely **_was one. He thought about how if the nurse was not there they would still be behind the solitude of the curtains.

If they were, he would tell Sage _**anything**_ and ask her _**everything**_. His heart stopped the moment he touched her hand, and it still ached blissfully for more. He fought the urge to take her into his arms and feel her everywhere…imagining his heart would explode if he did such a thing, but at least it would be a sweet death. '_Or maybe that was wrong_,' he thought. Maybe she would make him feel more alive than he has ever felt before. His thoughts were disturbed as the nurse spoke.

"How did you say you hurt yourself again?" she asked as she began wrapping his lifeline's wrist.

"I…I forgot to tie my shoes and tripped…and then I fell on it," Sage responded nervously. She squeezed Kendall's hand as she spoke, and he returned the gesture. He thought she may have been in pain, but something else seemed wrong.

He lifted their clasped hands onto his lap and placed his free hand underneath them so that her small hand was fully enveloped in both of his. Kendall hoped to give her reassurance with whatever problem she seemed to be having. He smiled when she unconsciously leaned into him further, her grip relaxing slightly.

"Well, be careful…You're all ready to go now," the nurse said as she stepped back to grab Sage's chart and sign it like she had Kendall's.

"She'll be fine. Her shoes are all tied," Kendall said, placing a chipper smile on his face and standing up from the bed, still holding onto her with one hand as he wagged a finger at her black sneakers.

"Alright, here you go. Have a good night," the nurse spoke quickly without sincere emotion, handing Sage her discharge papers before walking away.

Sage squeezed the papers as she surveyed the bandage. Her wrist already felt ten times better, but she wasn't so sure that it was the nurse's doing. It was most likely the charming boy holding her hand. _'This must be what getting high feels like,'_ she thought.

Both Kendall and Sage stuffed their papers into their pockets before speaking.

"So, my lovely first date, where to?" Kendall asked excitedly, turning to stand in front of Sage and putting the smile back on his face that seemed to be reserved only for her. His eyes held a special shine when looking into hers. They showed pure joy and adoration without any effort. In fact, everything seemed effortless between them. Everything just happened perfectly. There were no choices.

"We could see a movie I guess," Sage suggested, unsure. She had never been on a date before or even hung out with friends. She had no clue what _"normal"_ teenagers did.

"Whatever you want," Kendall responded softly and sincerely.

He pulled their intertwined hands gently towards himself so that she got up from the bed. They stood still for a moment, only mere inches from one another; both enjoying the close proximity. Kendall took a bold step forward, placing his hand on her waist. He may have seemed confident to an outsider, but Sage knew better.

They both shuddered with delight at the contact; their heads instinctively inching closer to one another. Only a few words had been spoken between them, but even speaking seemed unnecessary when they were near each other. They were in their own world again. It was like a powerful, intoxicating drug. They had only known this drug for a short time, but they were hooked at the first taste.

With a shaky breath, Kendall moved his hand from her waist upward to cup her cheek. The contact burned so much that it made his muscles ache. He was sure he must be a masochist because of the overwhelming love he felt for that sensation…for her.

Sage spoke quietly, taking the words out of his mouth.

"This isn't going to be a normal night, is it?" she asked, already knowing the answer. She leaned her entire body against his so they could feel the burning all over. It was so wrong and unconventional. She knew nothing about the boy holding her other than his age and favorite color, but she couldn't feel an ounce of apprehension when they touched.

"Nope," Kendall breathed out slowly and simply as he closed the distance between them, their lips connecting in one swift motion as if they were made to go together.

The shaking and burning they were both experiencing intensified tenfold. The feeling continued as their bodies melded together, and then it quickly calmed down to a tingling in their limbs. But, even as the kiss went on, the tugging remained strong in their chests. Their hearts were calling to each other, and they were doing what they could to answer.

Unlocking their hands, Sage moved hers up to rest on the back of Kendall's neck, using him to support her weight and lean into his soft lips even more. Kendall placed his hand on her lower back, tugging to get her even closer to him. It was impossible, but he couldn't fight the overwhelming need to try. Their lips danced together playfully, passionately, and happily; connecting like two of the most perfectly fitted puzzle pieces. No matter how you moved them, they matched up.

Both Kendall and Sage slowed their movements simultaneously until the kiss was over. They took deep breaths, their foreheads lying against one another's. Their hands stayed where they were, neither one of them willing to let go. Both of them struggled to find words. It felt like electricity was coursing through their veins, and it never decreased its voltage. Its power was constant and reoccurring. When they touched, their nerves jumped and sparked, and their hearts permanently picked up speed and beat irregularly in rhythm.

They knew as soon as their lips met that life was going to change. It was as if they felt the earth shift and knew it would never go back. And, at this moment in each others arms, they were grateful.

"So, the movies, huh?" Kendall finally whispered with a small chuckle. "That sounds pretty normal," he leaned back far enough to look into her eyes with a playful smile.

"Nothing about this has been normal," Sage laughed back, "So, let's stick to what we know," she whispered, returning his smile while still trying to bring her breathing back to its regular pace. Kendall finally took one step back, their hands instinctively falling to find one another's.

"Abnormal it is," he agreed, grinning as they walked away from the curtain area.

"I want to show you this place I know of…" Sage told him as they held hands, walking swiftly through the crowded hospital and out the exit doors.

The warm night air blew against them gently as Kendall lead her silently to his car. He opened the passenger door and guided her to her seat. Standing for a moment with their hands locked, Kendall took a deep breath before letting go and shutting the door. He practically sprinted to the driver's side, feeling like he was away from her for too long already. He felt crazy and irrational, but he had no doubt in his mind that he was going to succumb to any outlandish thing that his body ordered him to do around Sage.

Jumping in, he started the car quickly and shifted it into gear before finding her hand once again. She took it gratefully, giving it a gentle squeeze and smiled up at him.

"Where to?" he asked her with a grin.

"Head north, to the edge of town," Sage directed using her free hand to point. "I'll guide you along the way."

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**A/N: What did you think? THINGS ARE GONNA GET _DARK_ SOON (I'm not sure if it's obvious or not but there's A LOT more going on with Sage than just shyness...it will be more apparent soon... She's gonna need a Knight in shining armor... well that was cheesy ;) ) It's a bit fluffy to start with, but hopefully you found it interesting. Plus, there is SO much more to come. Also, I promise to always do my best to update once a week or more. In fact, the second chapter will be up in 24 hours :) I know, when I get into a story, I get excited for updates and HATE waiting. So, I don't want to make all of you agitated if I can help it ;)**

**Please REVIEW and tell me what you think about this. I'm a firm believer in "you get what you give." So, I will always try to review the things I read because I hope for the same in return (maybe karma will work for me lol). GET READY FOR A NICE, LONG, INTENSE STORY. I have big plans and I'm excited to have you along for the ride.**

**Even if you don't feel like reviewing, please ALERT if you are interested in more so I know :) THANK YOU!  
**


	2. Big Time Spot

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Here's Chapter 2 in honor of tonight's fantastic BTR Season 2 Premiere! Not much to say because I said quite a bit in my first A/N ;D I hope you enjoy, and tell me what you think/if you like it. **

**A SPECIAL THANKS! to my reviewers: **_**surfergal23, creative425, and rattle-my-KAGE**_**. Surfergal23 and creative425 have some great BTR stories of their own so be sure to CHECK THEM OUT :D**

**I should also mention that this story would not be possible without my real life twin sister/best friend **_**rattle-my-KAGE**_** and the beautiful young woman who is like our triplet, Stacey. They are my everything! :D They are my 'think tank' ;)**

_**-waterwicca**_

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_CHAPTER 2: BIG TIME SPOT _

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It was a ten minute drive through town until they reached their destination.

"Just park along here," Sage instructed softly. Kendall pulled the car to the side of the road and cut the engine.

Trying to stay calm, he climbed out of the car and raced to the other side to open her door so that they could be close again. It felt like a sin _**not**_ to touch her. His hand tingled when it wasn't wrapped up in her own.

Sage tried to wait patiently in the car as he walked around to her, but she was surprised she didn't haul off and hit the dashboard because of the aching loss she felt in her hand. It was like getting a cramp in your leg…You couldn't just _**not **_move.

Being around Kendall made her confused. She felt so out of control in her own body. It scared and thrilled her at the same time, and she could not even imagine a reason to fight her newly found instincts that propelled her towards him.

"So, where are we?" Kendall asked as both of their bodies relaxed when his hand met hers again. He shut her door and looked around. Both sides of the road seemed to be filled with nothing other than trees.

"This way," she answered smiling, leading him across the road and through a clearing in the trees several yards wide. He followed her with a smile of his own, enjoying the expression on her beautiful face that revealed she had a plan. He imagined it looked a lot like his own when he was cooking up a scheme.

"Whoa," he whispered quietly as they stopped walking.

They stood at the edge of the trees. In front of them lay dozens of yards of soft, green grass. Beyond the large field there was a small lake that the moon hit just right so that they could see the ripples that the gentle night breeze created across the water's surface.

"This place is amazing. How did you know it was here?" he asked his date with a smile, turning to look down at her.

"My mother used to bring me to feed the ducks. It was supposed to be a park or something, but it never happened. So, now it's just a little piece of paradise hidden in the trees," Sage finished with a twinkle in her eyes, but not before a flash of pain swept across her face when she mentioned her mother.

"Thanks for sharing it with me," Kendall responded, his grin widening as he placed a hand on Sage's waist. "I bet you bring all the boys here," he added playfully, poking her ribs gently and teasing her.

"Actually, you're the only one," she rolled her eyes and smiled. "I don't think anyone else knows that this place exists," she added.

"So…this is _**our**_ spot," Kendall stated simply, looking into her bright eyes and gesturing between them.

"I guess it is," Sage answered with a small nod while her own smile widened.

They walked forward, hand in hand, until they reached the lake. Sitting in the grass simultaneously, they both turned to face one another.

Kendall studied her features in the moonlight. Everything about her seemed delicate and perfect, yet so unique that he's sure he has never seen anything as beautiful as her. Every detail made his heart jump. Her green eyes sparkled like the sun hitting the trees and her long, blonde hair flowed down until it barely reached the middle of her back. It was straight but seemed to have a full volume and a natural movement all its own. The color was lighter than his with natural highlights of darker blonde and gold that shined when she made even the smallest of movements. She had a little scar running in a diagonal along the right side of her collar bone. He longed to reach up and trace it with his finger, but he kept himself at bay.

While they sat in a comfortable silence and Kendall studied her, Sage studied him. His dark blonde hair was shaggy enough to just fall over his expressive eyebrows, and it seemed he always had a permanent grin on his lips. Sage smiled, remembering how those lips felt against her own.

"Do you want to swim?" she spoke without thinking, breaking their trance.

Kendall leaned back with a smile, trademark dimples gracing his features, and pressed his palms into the grass beneath him. Sage felt nervous for a moment; embarrassed at speaking without being spoken to. It wasn't something she was used to, but one look into Kendall's eyes gave her confidence, and she hardly let the grin fade from her face before widening it.

"We don't have suits," Kendall stated like he didn't really care about their lack of proper attire at all.

Sage climbed off of the ground and started to unzip her hoodie.

"Our clothes will dry," she told him giggling as she threw her jacket and cell phone to the ground and kicked off her shoes while moving toward the lake, leaving her in only her black tank top and jeans.

Kendall laughed with her, jumping off of the ground quickly and copying her actions with his hockey jersey, shoes, and phone, before running after her wearing only his jeans.

"Plus," she spoke at the edge of the water, turning to face him with the carefree smile of a five year old that faltered into a grin for just a moment when she realized he was shirtless, "we're not being normal, remember?"

"Nowhere near it!" Kendall yelled out in agreement before grabbing her around the waist and dragging her into the water with him.

Sage and Kendall came up laughing, water splashing around them as they continued their swim. They held hands and floated silently under the moonlight, just enjoying each others company and the solitude the surrounding forest gave the pair. Kendall cursed under his breath when his phone rang loudly from where he left it laying in the grass, cutting through the blissful silence all too quickly.

"That's probably my mom," he groaned apologetically, frowning when he was forced to move away from Sage. Both of their bodies instantly grew cold from separation, even in the warm lake.

Swimming to the edge, Kendall lifted himself out of the water while Sage followed after him silently. They stopped at their piles of previously abandoned items. Kendall bent to pick up his phone, simultaneously and blindly reaching a hand behind him to grab for Sage, who eagerly and automatically accepted it. They stood close to each other so that their bodies where once again touching.

Before answering the call, Kendall shook his wet hair wildly, sending drops of water everywhere and causing Sage to giggle softly. He laughed with her before turning so that his front was against her fully. He then lifted his index finger and placed it gently against her curved lips, giving her a huge smile of his own as he finally answered his mother's call.

"Hey, Mom…Everything's fine…Hockey was great. They have a nice rink in town," Kendall spoke into his phone while brushing Sage's damp hair away from her eyes. He was obviously choosing to hide his impromptu hospital visit from his mother. He would worry about it later when she got the hospital bill.

Sage could faintly hear Mrs. Knight's voice as she spoke to her son. She closed her eyes, leaning into Kendall's touch, enjoying the calmness that spread over her. His mother's voice sounded kind and warm…like her mother's had been.

"I'm hanging out with some guys I met there," Kendall lied with a smile down towards Sage. Her eyes opened wide and she grinned back at him with a playful twinkle in her green irises. "I might spend the night with them…Alright…I love you too, Mom," he said with a sincere smile of a young boy, which only made Sage's heart pick up speed.

Kendall ended the call as he threw his phone to the ground and instantly placed both of his hands on Sage's waist.

"Now that my mom won't be expecting me anytime soon, we can stay here as long as we want," he smirked, leaning down to kiss the girl in his arms for the second time that night like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Their lips met in a slow and perfect dance, making both of their hearts heat up. It was soft and loving. They pulled back only when they needed air and smiled at each other before silently taking a seat on the grass.

"Do you need to call anyone?" Kendall questioned innocently, an absent minded smile gracing his lips as he studied their interlocking fingers.

"No," Sage answered a little too quickly, her grip tightening slightly in his hand. She took a small breath before continuing slowly, "No one's waiting for me at home."

Sage smiled softly, almost sadly, before lying fully back onto the grass. Keeping their hands together, Kendall did the same. Both teenagers turned their heads to face each other at the same time after they had studied the moon for several moments.

Sage's breathing faltered as she admired Kendall's toned, bare chest and the way the water slid off his pale skin in small rivers. Kendall stroked the back of Sage's hand softly as he studied her damp hair and the way it sprawled over her shoulders and onto the grass beneath her perfectly. The water sparkled in the moonlight as it dripped down her porcelain arms.

He already knew the moment he spoke to her in the hospital that he wanted her…_**needed**_ to have her, feel her, hold her… and she seemed to be feeling the same way. It felt as if they shared one mind and body: always connected in a way that was difficult to explain because of its novelty.

"Tell me all your secrets, Sage Henderson," Kendall whispered suddenly with a calm, but serious expression, bringing their hands up to his lips and delivering a chaste kiss to her wrist.

"What do you want to know, Kendall Knight?" she asked in a whisper, matching his tone.

"Anything…" he responded with a now full blown smile, excited she was going to indulge him. He turned on his side, leaning on his elbow as Sage did the same.

"The first thing I guess you should know is that - ," Sage started softly, picking at the grass beneath her fingers before continuing, "I'm not normal."

"I think we've already established that," Kendall replied, chuckling and remembering the evening's events, starting with their first kiss in the hospital.

"I mean," she began, smiling and rolling her eyes before explaining, "I've lived here all my life, and I don't have any friends. My family life isn't…ideal…and I stay out of most social situations. So, this," she paused to grab his hand with her newly found confidence, that she still couldn't believe was real, and slid forward so they lay only inches apart, "is completely new for me."

Kendall sighed softly and sadly. He leaned forward, placing a tender kiss against her shoulder, another on her neck, one against her cheek, and a final one against her soft lips.

"No matter what's happened in the past, I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere unless you tell me to," he told her sincerely, "and even then I'll fight you on it," he added, a smirk returning to his face, causing her to smile again.

"You're pretty smooth, Romeo," Sage told him playfully, feeling the tension leave her body at his words. She knew, for reasons unknown even to herself, that she could trust him and that he spoke truthfully.

"I think it's just you. I'm actually more of the loner type, but you make me feel…" Kendall paused, trying to search for the right word. "You make me feel happy," he finished, squeezing her hand tightly in his own. Normally, he would have been embarrassed at his words, but Sage made him feel secure…like he could be himself. It was a powerful feeling he hadn't even realized he was missing out on until it was consuming him.

Sage leaned forward instantly and embraced him tightly, burying her head in the crook of his neck, trying to show him she felt the same. They lay there for a while, focusing on each others warmth and breathing and enjoying the sensation of their hearts beating so close to one another's.

"Tell me about your family," Kendall begged her softly, pulling away to run his hand down her smooth arm and then stopped to rest it snugly in hers.

Sage sighed and laid her head back against the grass, staring at the night sky before beginning. Kendall kept himself up on his elbow so that he could watch her.

"My mom died over three years ago…She committed suicide…" she whispered quietly, trying to fight back tears and the feelings of abandonment.

Kendall, unable to find the right words to console her, dropped fully to the ground to lay his head against hers. Seeing her unhappy caused his own eyes to sting with tears, making him realize just how connected their bodies seemed to be.

"My dad was never in the picture. So, when my mom died, my stepfather, Elliot, adopted me and now I live with him. He's a cop here in town. We don't always get along, but it gives me somewhere to live," Sage finished with a shrug, keeping her comments about Elliot short.

Kendall didn't push any further, delighted that he had gotten her to open up as much as she did.

"Your turn," she said with a smile returning to her lips. Kendall smirked, leaning away so he could see her face again.

"Well, my dad died a long time ago. He had cancer…So, for as long as I can remember it's always been my mom, my little sister, Katie, and me. My mom works as a secretary. It's not great money. So, we move around a lot if she can get paid better in other places. We started in Minnesota, but we've stayed here in North Dakota for the past few years. We moved here, to Ramsey, last week," Kendall explained his back story to her, trying not to leave anything out.

"It must suck to have to keep moving. You never get to keep your home," Sage responded sadly.

"It's not too bad. You get used to it. We make a new home wherever it is we end up, and it's made Katie and me really close. We just do what Mom says we have to do," Kendall replied not seeming to mind at all.

"So, you're a momma's boy," Sage teased playfully leaning towards him.

"She's a good mom," Kendall told her laughing but sincere.

"Good…" Sage replied softly, as Kendall laid back to rest fully on the grass. She wrapped her arm around him, laying her head on his bare chest.

"Now that we've got the family stuff out of the way," Kendall chuckled softly, "what are your hobbies? What does Sage Henderson do with her free time?" he asked, watching an airplane pass above them, and playing absentmindedly with her damp hair.

"I listen to a lot of music…and I write," Sage answered, tracing an invisible pattern on his smoothly defined abs.

"What do you write?" Kendall asked, shutting his eyes, enjoying the feeling of her fingers on his skin.

"Mostly songs," she whispered, sending shivers up his spine as her breath blew across his chest.

"Really? I write songs too…well, I try at least. I do play guitar though," Kendall replied modestly.

"I'm sure you're great. You seem like the musical type," Sage smiled, reaching across Kendall's stomach and taking his hand in her own. "You should teach me sometime. I only play piano."

"I'd love to!" he said with excitement. "And you can show me the piano," he added, pushing her hair aside to run his hand up and down her shoulder.

Sage closed her eyes at his touch and nodded against his chest with a soft smile.

"Are you tired?" Kendall asked her quietly, his own eyes now shut, finding the girl's embrace and the sound of crickets chirping in the distance soothing.

"No," she answered softly, knowing it was a lie, and that Kendall knew it too.

"I can take you home," he offered, trailing his fingers up and down her side, but still not making a move to get up from where they rested in the grass.

"No…let's stay here…in our spot," Sage mumbled sweetly, wrapping her arm around his torso securely before almost falling asleep.

Kendall smiled and squeezed her tightly, speaking into the motionless night air before drifting off into a peaceful sleep with her in his arms.

"Our spot…"

* * *

**A/N**: **Another chapter down and SO MANY more to go! :D I really hope you guys are ready for a ride. I'll tell you right now, I don't like writing bullshit or filler stuff. Everything I include in my stories will always serve a purpose to the plot/theme. So, I hope that if you like this story, you'll be satisfied with each new chapter in some way, shape, or form. ALSO, if you're missing the other boys, don't worry, I am too :( HOWEVER, they will be mentioned soon and come in later. I absolutely guarantee it! I'm actually really ansty because I've already written some scenes with them for the future and also when they become a HUGE part of the story and you guys have to wait until it actually happens. Hopefully it will be worth the wait ;)**

**OH! and if you're getting jumpy and anxiously awaiting for the ANGST and DRAMA... don't worry. Some things will be revealed to the readers in the next chapter called: "BIG TIME HELL"... Remember: YOU GOTTA SET 'EM UP TO KNOCK 'EM DOWN ;) I think of this story more as a novel, not just a quick thing to get through.**

**Please REVIEW :) ANONYMOUS reviews are enabled, so don't be shy :D**


	3. Big Time Hell

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Here's Chapter 3! :D I hope all of you like it. Please, let me know what you think in a review :)**

**Also, a big THANK YOU to those of you who have alerted/favorited. It really makes me feel good :) Thank you to my latest reviewers: **_child who is cool, 4missairgoddess4, earthSHATTERINGlove, im-drowning-in-your-eyes, and BURNmeUPwithYOURlove_**... and a small shout-out to my lovely sister, formerly **_**Heffron-Drive-Lover**_**, now going by **_**rattle-my-KAGE**_** for supporting me and my story as well as the pairing of KENDALL and SAGE- "KAGE"... I love when pairing names form almost real words ;D**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush.**

**IMPORTANT NOTE: In this story, I have named Mrs. Knight **_**"Karen"**_** :)... and there is strong LANGUAGE in this chapter.**

_**-waterwicca**_

* * *

_CHAPTER 3: BIG TIME HELL_

* * *

It was a dream.

It had to be…because it felt too good to be real. His body had never felt more relaxed or as weightless as it did in this moment.

Kendall kept his eyes shut, his arms still wrapped around the girl he held close. He could tell that the sun had risen. The warmth of it spread across his face, adding extra heat to the sensations Sage already caused to every inch of skin she touched on his bare chest.

The grass was soft beneath them, and the birds sang cliché tunes in the surrounding forest. Everything was perfect, and he feared that if he moved an inch the sweet fantasy would break into a million pieces. He wanted to stay forever, but he knew sunrise meant that he needed to be home soon.

"Good morning," Sage whispered with a smile against his chest, only moving her hand to glide slowly up and down his side, enjoying the way it made her finger tips tingle.

"It is," Kendall agreed with a smirk, keeping his eyes closed and still hugging her tightly against him. "How did you know I was awake?" he added, mimicking her actions with his hand on her upper arm.

"Your breathing changed," she answered simply, her own breath ghosting across his abs.

It was several minutes before Sage sighed and pulled away to look up at him, being sure to keep her body against his so they wouldn't lose all contact.

"You have to go home, don't you?" she asked, a slight sadness touching her voice. She knew his mom was expecting him.

"Yeah," Kendall exhaled heavily, reaching up to touch her cheek softly. "I'll go home and check in, but then I'm free for the rest of the day. Do you want to have lunch later?"

"I'd love to," Sage answered with a wide smile, leaning up to kiss him softly.

Even the shortest kisses sent shivers through her body. Sage and Kendall reluctantly parted, lifted themselves off of the ground, and gathered their belongings. Kendall threw his shirt over his head, and she shrugged into her hoodie.

"This was…" she started as they stepped toward each other and held hands, unable to find the right words to continue.

"Amazing," Kendall finished for her as he wrapped his arms around Sage tightly and placed a kiss to the top of her head. She nodded calmly, leaning into his embrace.

They stood still, leaning against each other for a few moments.

"Let's go," Kendall whined with a big, over dramatic pout as he started leading Sage to his car with his head hung low. If he didn't get going then he wasn't going to move at all.

"We'll see each other soon," she assured him with a soft laugh as he wrapped his arm around her while finishing their stroll to the car.

It was a short drive before they where sitting in front of Sage's small, white house. The ride was too quick for both of them. They had only known each other for the night, but this would be their first time separated, and they weren't sure what kind of toll it would take on them.

Before she climbed out of the car, they embraced quietly, each taking one another in as much as they could. Kendall ran his hands through her soft hair. Sage tried to memorize the way her cheek fit perfectly into the crook of his neck, his pulse seeming to beat in a synchronized rhythm with her own.

"I'll see you in a few hours," Kendall whispered, almost as if he was trying to reassure himself.

"Can't wait," Sage whispered back, her breath tickling his neck before they each reluctantly pulled away.

After kissing him tenderly, Sage stepped out of the car, her hand lingering for a moment before forcing herself to shut the door. Even in the warm, summer air she felt a cold chill wash over her at his absence. She waved with a soft smile as she backed up toward her house and watched him drive away at a snail's pace, finding it harder to breath when he was far enough so that he couldn't even see her in his rear-view mirror.

Gripping the wheel tightly, Kendall made the drive home. He parked the car in the driveway, stopping to stare for a moment at the vacant seat beside him before getting out. He felt lonely and his body ached without Sage near him. It was like finally being complete and then having a chunk of your body ripped away.

He walked into his home, shoving his trembling hands deep into the pockets of his jeans while trying to fight the tingling under his skin that now grew uncomfortable and irritating.

"Good morning, Sweetie," his mother greeted him cheerfully as he entered the kitchen. "How was your night? Did you have fun?"

"I had a _**great**_ time," Kendall responded with sincere enthusiasm and a smirk at the memories of him and Sage. If he thought about it enough, he could almost feel her in his arms again, but it wasn't nearly as amazing or satisfying as the real thing.

"I'm glad you're making friends, Kendall," Karen Knight spoke with a bright smile, turning to put a plate of eggs and bacon in front of him on the counter.

"Yup," he replied simply, choosing not to elaborate; especially since 'friend' did not even begin to describe the girl he had spent his night with.

"Hey, Bro," ten-year-old Katie said with a grin as she entered the kitchen and jumped up to sit on the stool beside her brother.

"Mornin', Baby Sister," Kendall replied, finally taking one of his hands from his pockets. He reached up and messed with Katie's hair until she swatted him away, and then he picked up a fork to eat his breakfast. He tried to focus on his food, but he found himself thinking about Sage constantly. He ate slowly, struggling to stay calm, but his leg bounced up and down rapidly because of the tension he felt in his muscles.

"I have to head out to work in a little bit. Can you please drive Katie to day camp around noon?" Kendall's mother asked as she rinsed off the last of the dishes in the sink.

"Sure, Mom," he responded with a smile in her direction, shoving the eggs around his plate and still shaking his leg beneath the counter furiously. He knew his mother couldn't see the movement from where she stood, but he could sense Katie watching him curiously out of the corner of his eye.

"Thank you, Sweetie," Karen replied, coming around the counter to plant a quick kiss on her son's cheek.

"I'm going out today. I figured I should check out the town some more. I'll be back later tonight," Kendall informed her, trying to cover all of his bases so he could spend the day with Sage. He wanted to tell his mom about her as soon as he got home, but he wasn't sure how to explain things. Kendall didn't want his mom to think he was crazy, but he felt so strongly for Sage, and he had only met her the night before.

"Okay…Stay safe, and keep your phone on," Karen directed, walking around Kendall to kiss her daughter before leaving the room to get ready for work.

"Alright, now that she's gone, spill it! What's up with you?" Katie asked, turning on her stool to face her brother. She leaned into him with anticipation.

"What are you talking about?" Kendall questioned defensively, keeping his eyes on his plate. He unconsciously swayed away from her, attempting to regain his personal space.

"You're acting weird. You're fidgeting, and you're…_**giddy**_. What's with the goofy smile?" Katie asked, a confused look coming across her face as she assessed him further.

Kendall rolled his eyes. Sometimes it was annoying that his sister was so aggravatingly perceptive for her age. He hadn't even realized that he was smiling.

"It's nothing. Can't I just be in a good mood?" he stood up quickly, walking with hurried steps to put his plate into the sink, and then shoved his hands back into his pockets once again.

"No…Are you on drugs?" Katie questioned skeptically, crossing her tiny arms in front of her chest and glaring when her brother shook his head.

"I met someone…_**special**_," Kendall finally admitted nervously, turning to lean his back against the sink.

"Why didn't you just say that?" Katie sighed heavily. She hopped down from her stool and walked towards Kendall to put her own plate into the sink beside his.

"Because I only met her last night, and I want to wait to tell Mom at the right time," he explained, pivoting to look down at his sister with pleading eyes. He needed her to keep his secret.

"Whatever. Teenagers are so weird," she mumbled, turning to leave the room, "I'm going to play online poker."

"Don't talk to strangers," Kendall told her with a chuckle, "and don't use real money!" he added, yelling out to her as she ascended the stairs.

"Yeah, yeah," she called back with a dismissive wave of her hand before disappearing off into her room.

Kendall sighed gently, using his body weight to push himself away from the counter and move forward to the steps to go up to his own bedroom. He wanted to shower and change before once again seeing the girl that made his entire body ache. A lazy smile decorated his face as he climbed the stairs, wondering what Sage was doing at that exact moment.

* * *

Sage entered her house with her arms wrapped tightly around herself after Kendall disappeared down the road. She ran her hands up and down her shoulders, trying to push away the chill and extreme sense of loss she felt at Kendall's departure.

She walked through her silent and empty house quickly. The pure nothingness that surrounded her gloomy home only served to remind her of Kendall's absence. She shook her head wildly from side to side as she ascended the stairs and entered the bathroom attached to her room. She tried to shake all thoughts from her mind. Sage had only known Kendall for a few hours, but her body didn't seem to care about the small time span.

After peeling away her clothing, she stepped into the shower, turning the water as hot as she could stand, hoping to warm her body and stop the uncontrollable shivers. Quickly realizing that it wouldn't work, she finished up her shower and stood in front of the mirror. It was covered in a thick layer of condensation just as it always was after she showered. Usually, she was grateful for the barrier because she did not like looking at her reflection. However, without another thought, Sage reached up and swiped her hand in a circular motion across the glass and revealed her image.

She was both pleased and surprised to find she didn't look as lifeless as she usually did. Her eyes looked like there was a soul behind them, and her skin took on a normal hue; differing from her typical sickly pale complexion. Sage imagined Kendall standing beside the girl in the mirror. It looked good… It looked right. The thought made her smile, but the facial expression seemed foreign to her.

After sighing heavily, she turned away from the mirror to grab the hairdryer and dry her long hair blindly. She was cautious and tried to only use her good hand. Her wrist had felt fine the entire night, but now it was sore again. Somehow Sage knew there would be no pain if Kendall was really next to her and still holding her close.

After throwing on a robe, she wandered downstairs and into the kitchen, glancing at the clock as if she could will it to go faster so that she could see Kendall again. Sage reached a shaking hand into the fridge, grabbing a bottle of water. She struggled to twist off the cap then took a sip and placed it onto the counter, still unable to calm the feelings running throughout her body. Taking deep breaths, she positioned both hands flat on the countertop and thought about Kendall. With some effort, she could almost hear his voice, which dulled the throbbing in her heart slightly. A soft smile graced her lips at the thought of the blonde boy, but it quickly dissipated as reality crashed around her like the ceiling caving in from above.

"Who's the kid?"

Sage suddenly stopped breathing all together, her heart pounding rapidly in her chest. She turned to see her stepfather, Elliot, leaning in the doorway with a menacing look on his face. He had short, dark brown hair with cold eyes to match. He wore the khaki pants of his police uniform and a white wife-beater. Sage hadn't heard him come home, and had silently prayed he wouldn't, but he must have spotted both her and Kendall when he had dropped her off earlier.

"No one," Sage answered quietly but quickly, trying not to meet his gaze. It hurt her to refer to Kendall in that way because he felt like _**everything**_ to her, but she didn't want Elliot to know anything about him. It would only lead to trouble. She moved to pass him and leave the kitchen, but he placed his arm in front of her, stretching across the doorway and effectively blocking her path.

Sage jumped, startled at his speed. She shut her eyes tightly, taking a breath before turning to look up at him. He stood a few inches taller than Kendall and was a young-looking 32-year-old. Many would assume he was averagely sweet and innocent at first glance, but Sage knew better.

"What were you doing in _**No One's**_ car?" Elliot asked; his arm tense and rigid. His eyes and posture scared her enough to keep her glued to the spot in which she stood.

"He just gave me a ride home," Sage explained with quivering breaths, hoping it would be enough and that she could end the conversation there.

"From where?" he pressed on with a glare, seeming to inch closer to her, although she was fairly certain he hadn't moved. She should have known she wouldn't be able to stop him from questioning her further… He _**always**_ got the last word.

"The hospital…" Sage whispered almost too quietly to hear, but she knew immediately that he had.

Elliot suddenly lurched forward like a spring; all coiled and tense, then abruptly jumping into action when it was released. Sage found herself pinned against the wall before she could blink.

"What the _**fuck**_ were you doing at the hospital?" he screamed so loud that it made her ears ring. She couldn't move away. He had his hand firmly against her shoulder, pushing her into the wall with as much force as he could muster up. Her robe had slid to the side enough so that his rough hand made contact with her skin, sending different shivers, ones of fear, down her spine.

"I had to get my wrist checked out," Sage answered quietly, looking down to stare at the floor. He was so close to her that she could only see the dirty tiled floor through a small sliver of space between them. She tried to recoil even further into the wall at the realization, but there was nowhere for her to go.

"Oh, well in that case - " Elliot started with a sarcastic chuckle and finished his sentence with a harsh backhand to Sage's face, instantly bringing tears to her eyes.

Before she could say anything else, Elliot grabbed her roughly by her injured wrist, jerked her forward, and then shoved her back into the wall with enough power to make her head spin. He had her pinned in front of him again as he spoke.

"You're such a melodramatic bitch! It's just a sprain!" he yelled, latching onto her tender wrist and squeezing until it caused a searing pain to shoot up her arm. She thought back to the night before. She hadn't _**fallen**_ and hurt her wrist…Elliot had _**pushed**_ her down and even added a few swift kicks to her ribs without remorse. She couldn't even remember specifically why he had done it… He stopped needing a reason years ago.

"Do you want to know what _**real**_ pain is?" he asked in a harsh whisper, still holding her arm, as he reached up and grabbed her chin roughly, forcing her to look at him. His calloused hand burned her skin as if it were sandpaper working over its surface.

Sage couldn't find her words. So, she shook her head back and forth rapidly with wide eyes as the tears she fought to hold back betrayed her and flowed down her face.

Elliot just laughed.

"Then no more hospitals… and keep your pretty, little mouth _**shut**_," he told her calmly and coldly, emphasizing each word by getting closer to her until he whispered the last word into her ear, making her fight the overwhelming desire to vomit.

Elliot finally pushed away from her after he thought he had made himself clear and turned to leave the kitchen. Sage stayed against the wall, unable to move. Even her shaky knees refused to buckle, and she pressed her tense shoulders into the fading yellow wallpaper.

"I'm going to sleep for awhile, and then I'm heading back to work later," he continued with a toothy smile, "Be quiet or I'll beat the shit out of you," he added before disappearing from view.

She listened carefully as he stomped up the steps and waited to resume breathing until his bedroom door slammed shut. Sage slid to the ground, tightening her robe around herself while letting silent tears continue to fall. She attempted to calm down; finding that taking deep, shaky breaths and thinking about Kendall made her heart rate decrease.

This was her everyday life. Elliot had always been abusive to her mother. So, in retrospect, Sage couldn't blame her all that much for killing herself. Most days were really hard, and all the times in between made her feel sick… She became so used to it that it was disturbing. For her, it was like learning how to walk or talk. You just accepted it because it was a part of your daily routine.

He had hit her before, but the day after her mother's funeral was the first time Elliot had beaten Sage senseless, and he has never let up since. On that first day, he had made it crystal clear that he was in control, and he made all of the rules. He _**owns**_ her. She is his property, and she has no say in it. She could never tell the truth or run because Elliot was a highly respected police officer in Ramsey, and he had the town convinced she was a compulsive liar and a trouble maker.

They saw Elliot as a kind man who was burdened with a disturbed, antisocial child after his wife's death. Their neighbors pitied _**him. **_The one time she had tried to make an escape, her neighbors immediately called Elliot when they saw her walking the streets at night with a large duffel bag. They thought they were helping her. She hadn't even been out of the house for fifteen minutes when one of Elliot's co-workers pulled up in a squad car and brought her to the station where her stepfather waited with a well-practiced mask of concern. She was trapped in this town and in this life, and there was no way out.

He didn't know it, but the moment Kendall drove away Sage stepped into her own personal hell… and she was counting the minutes until he would arrive to take her back to heaven.

* * *

**A/N: So, now you all know more about Sage. I know it may seem a bit cliche, but I have A LOT planned beyond this. It will by no means be an easy road, and everything isn't as cut and dry as it seems... I can't give too much away, but I hope you'll stick with me ;)**

**Let me know what you think in a REVIEW... even if it's just to say you liked it, or not lol :)  
**


	4. Big Time Summer School

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Here's Chapter 4! :D I hope all of you like it. Please, let me know what you think in a review :)**

**A big THANK YOU to those of you who have reviewed. It really puts a smile on my face :D... Also, go read surfergal23 's _"The Way We Were"_.. its an awesome/dramatic KendallxOC story. CHECK IT OUT :D:)  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot  
**

**IMPORTANT NOTE: I've started a MATURE one-shot series for KOGAN called "For the Lovers of Kogan"... Check it out if you're so inclined :D  
**

**_-waterwicca_  
**

* * *

_CHAPTER 4: BIG TIME SUMMER SCHOOL_

* * *

It had been four hours since Elliot had walked out of the kitchen, leaving Sage sitting on the floor. That's exactly where she stayed. She had cried silently for awhile until she calmed down, then she just remained still. Sage knew that if she made any sound Elliot would jump at the opportunity to punish her.

Sage's body only sprung into action the moment she heard her stepfather leave and start his car. He had passed the doorway of the kitchen and didn't even spare her a glance, but she knew she was better off without it. Elliot could hardly ever look at her without hitting her.

After running upstairs to her room, Sage dressed quickly in dark jeans, a green t-shirt with a blue pattern on the front, and the first pair of sneakers she could find. She took some time to cover the light bruise forming on her cheek from the earlier assault. She could hardly feel the pain anymore, but she wouldn't be able to lie to Kendall's face if he saw the mark.

Sage winced when she brought the foundation sponge to her face, using her injured hand. Her dominant wrist throbbed with a new pain after Elliot had agitated it earlier in the morning. Pushing the feeling aside, Sage continued applying the makeup until she could pass for a normal teenage girl. She covered any evidence of the beating with a well-practiced hand.

She had always found it best to try to get up and dust herself off after each encounter with Elliot because she new for a fact that it would just happen again and again. She was convinced that she would lose her last strand of sanity if she dwelled on each hit because, no matter how much she tried to rationalize the abuse, it would never make sense to her.

It didn't take long after her mother's death to learn to stop asking questions and just be glad to still be alive. When Elliot had first started victimizing her, she considered suicide as a possible escape, but she felt like too much of a hypocrite to go through with it because she was still so angry at her mother for doing it.

Hearing someone coming up the porch, she ran down the stairs and to the front door with hopes of seeing Kendall. Grabbing the handle with a wide smile, she flung the door open. Her heart dropped all the way to the basement beneath her feet when she saw Elliot standing across the threshold.

"Happy to see me?" he asked with a menacing smirk as he pushed harshly past her and entered the house. "I forgot my phone," he added as he disappeared up the stairs.

Sage froze, still standing with the door open. Before she could even take a calming breath, Kendall was pulling up in front of the house and hopping out of the car with a brilliant smile as they locked eyes across the lawn.

"Shit…" Sage whispered under her breath as Kendall moved quickly toward her.

Each step he took in her direction made the front of her body warm and hum with excitement, but her entire back was tense and cold; knowing Elliot was somewhere behind her.

"Hi! I missed you…" Kendall spoke when he finally made it up to the porch in front of her, sweeping her into his arms and squeezing her tightly against him. He was unable to hide his exhilaration at being able to feel her again.

"I missed you too…" Sage whispered into his neck, her entire body relaxing, forgetting Elliot for a moment. Her hands found warmth in the back of his hair and the nape of his neck.

"Who's this?" Elliot suddenly appeared in the doorway, moving to stand directly beside his stepdaughter.

Sage broke away from Kendall abruptly, looking tense, while Kendall grinned sheepishly. She stole a glance in Elliot's direction before casting her eyes to the ground, her usual stance around the man. Elliot wore a fake, toothy smile but his eyes remained cold.

"Hello. You must be Elliot. I'm Kendall Knight," Kendall spoke confidently, putting on a cordial grin similar to the one he had used on the nurse the night before. He held his hand out for Elliot to shake.

Elliot stared at the boy's hand for a moment, his eyes darting back and forth between it and the girl beside him, before he finally reached his own hand out. Sage watched as he shook Kendall's hand firmly, knowing that he wasn't using as much force as he wanted to. Elliot had become a master at pretending. The community loved him because he never gave them a reason not to. He was the perfect man. The only person he never held back on was Sage. Elliot let go of Kendall's hand and rested his own on Sage's shoulder, squeezing it tightly in a vice grip.

She tensed immediately, but brought her eyes up to focus on Kendall, standing in front of her, to try to remain calm. She silently hoped she didn't look as scared as she felt. She never wanted Elliot to be near him, let alone speak with him. The fear rose in her throat like bile… a fear not for herself, but for Kendall.

He had no idea about the snake hiding in the grass beneath his feet.

Kendall waited for Elliot to speak, watching Sage while he shoved his hands into his pockets like he had done earlier in the morning. He wanted to reach out and take Sage's hand, but he knew it would be a bad idea with Elliot there.

"You're the new family in town, right?" Elliot asked as if he already knew the answer.

"Yeah…" Kendall responded uneasily, seeming to be at a loss for words.

"It's my job to know these things… I try to keep my eyes everywhere," Elliot told him, his smile falling to a grin while his grip tightened on Sage's shoulder, unknown to Kendall.

"Oh…" Kendall spoke with an uncomfortable smile.

"Well, I guess we better get going, and you have to go back to work…don't you?" Sage suddenly interjected nervously, wanting them separated as soon as possible.

"So, you two are going out?" Elliot asked, ignoring Sage as he tended to do. She knew never to speak directly to him unless spoken to. Both his smile and hand tightened impossibly harder.

"Yeah, we're having lunch. That's okay, right?" Kendall asked with a small smirk and a raised brow.

He felt confused, but he didn't want to let his face show it. The conversation felt awkward… like he was missing something. Also, he couldn't help but notice that Sage seemed upset. His body ached to wrap around hers, knowing it would make everything better.

"Sure…Just take care of her, or I'll come after you," Elliot warned, only widening his smile and laughing as if he spoke in jest.

He reached forward with his free arm and delivered a small, playful punch to Kendall's shoulder. The hit seemed too hard to Sage, but Kendall laughed along uneasily anyway.

"Have a great day, Sweetie. I won't be home until late," Elliot explained, speaking to her like he cared for her as his child even though they both knew it was a lie.

Sage held her breath as he suddenly leaned down and kissed her temple, letting his lips linger for a second too long. He threw a glare in Kendall's direction so quick he would have missed it if he wasn't staring. The look made Kendall jump, but he brushed it off, assuming Elliot was being overprotective.

Elliot took a step forward so that he stood outside between the two teenagers. He looked down at Sage, who instantly felt as cold as her stepfather's eyes when Kendall was blocked completely from her view. She had to remind herself that he was _**right there**_ because her fear-driven vision could only sense Elliot.

"Be good…" he whispered a warning, causing Sage to shudder. He reached up with a rough hand, pushing a strand of hair out of her face before shooting her a smile that wasn't warm at all. She couldn't even say it was cold… it was **_ice_**… ice that made Sage's body freeze on contact and had her wondering why she could not see her breath in a cloud of fog between them.

Before she could even manage to blink, Elliot turned on his heels and walked past Kendall without a word, getting into his squad car and leaving Sage petrified where she stood, her face still painfully cold where he had touched her.

She was more afraid than she had ever been. Kendall's presence ignited something in Elliot she had never seen before. Sage _**belonged**_ to him, and he didn't seem to be reacting well to any kind of competition or interference. It frightened her to think of what the future may bring… of what she brought into Kendall's life.

"What's wrong?" Kendall spoke softly, moving directly in front of Sage and causing him to come back into focus. He reached up to touch her face where Elliot had only moments ago, erasing any traces of her stepfather and replacing them with a feeling of pure warmth that was only Kendall.

Sage's demeanor suddenly changed. Her smile returned, and her eyes came to life, causing Kendall to relax.

"Nothing…I'm glad you're here," she whispered, quickly embracing him and savoring every second as Elliot drifted far from her mind like a terrible memory. Kendall held her close, kissing her softly on the lips before pulling back only far enough to look at her.

"Elliot seems…nice," he smiled uneasily.

"Yeah…he's…" Sage responded nervously, leaving the statement open, unable to find the right words. "So, where are we going?" she asked with a grin, choosing to change the subject.

"Well," Kendall started with his own smirk, "I packed lunch. I can't just take you to a diner or someplace like that…It would be _**way**_ too normal," he chuckled and she nodded in agreement, waiting for him to continue, "So, we're going to school," he finished proudly.

"It's July…" Sage laughed, tilting her head in confusion.

"The building doesn't just _**magically**_ appear in September. It's still there even though no one's using it," Kendall laughed as he took her hand and lead her to his car.

"Okay…Now I can show you around before the semester starts. This way you won't look like such a _**new**_ kid," Sage joked, shoving him playfully before getting into the car.

It only took several minutes to reach Ramsey High School. Kendall parked his car in the lot in front of the large main building. Both he and Sage got out, meeting to stand together behind the car.

"Where to?" Kendall asked, eyeing his unfamiliar surroundings as he threw a brown messenger bag over his shoulders and took Sage's hand into his own.

The parking lot was empty for the most part. Only around a dozen cars were scattered across the pavement. A baseball team practiced on a nearby field, the crack of the bat and ball connecting and cutting through the air every few seconds.

"Let's take a tour," Sage replied with a smile, pulling him toward the main entrance. It didn't take them long to slow down to a comfortable stroll. Kendall wrapped an arm around Sage's shoulders as she moved her own to circle his waist.

"This is it," she stated simply with a smirk as they entered the building.

They stood in a long, wide hallway lined with offices that had glass windows instead of closed off plaster walls. When the hall ended, it split off in two directions with most of the walls covered in maroon colored lockers.

"What exactly are you expecting to see?" Sage asked as they walked down the hall.

"I don't have a clue," Kendall replied with a shrug and a grin. "I've been to several schools because of how often we move. Each one's got something special. They all have quirks that only the insiders know about. You're an 'insider', so teach me all you know," Kendall requested, chuckling as he squeezed her against him.

"You make it sound like a secret society," Sage giggled, shaking her head.

"Good idea…We'll make our own secret society: just you and me. Now, if Mom asks me if I'm socializing and joining clubs, I can say yes without lying," Kendall laughed and winked down at the girl in his arms.

"Clever," she admitted with a smile.

"Mom's always telling me to get involved in every school I go to. She worries too much about my 'adjustment'," Kendall confided, using air quotes to emphasize the last word.

"You seem fine to me," Sage laughed, looking up at him as they continued toward the lockers.

"I bet Elliot is always bugging you too, huh?" Kendall asked as he looked innocently at the various posters that lined the walls between the lockers.

"He doesn't really take an interest in my schooling," Sage responded quietly before stopping in her tracks. "Come this way. I'll show you the gym," she finished with a smile as she lead him through a set of doors at the end of the hall and down a short flight of steps.

"It's kind of spooky with no one around," Kendall smirked as they stepped into the large gym.

The room was massive and mostly empty. It seemed the school used it as a basketball court because of the paint that decorated the freshly waxed wooden floor. The only light in the room came from the windows that were situated high up on the walls.

"Do you like Phys. Ed?" Kendall asked casually as they walked the length of the room, both kicking their sneakers against the floor occasionally, enjoying the way the squeaking echoed through the empty space around them.

"I'm coordinated enough to pass the class," Sage answered with a wide smile, "and it usually provides some quiet time without lecturing or tests."

"What's your favorite sport?" he questioned.

"I don't really have one… but I'm gonna have to say hockey because it's part of the reason we met," she responded, turning with a soft smile and wrapping her arms around Kendall.

"Good answer," he spoke quietly, moving his hands to her waist and leaning down to kiss her gently before continuing. "You don't even know anything about hockey, do you?" he smiled, raising a quizzical eyebrow.

"When you get the puck in the net, it's called a touchdown," Sage stated, keeping her face still.

Kendall's eyes widened with his smile, and then Sage broke into one of her own.

"I'm kidding… but I really don't know too much," she admitted with a laugh as their hands interlocked, and they continued walking up the length of the gym.

"Then I can teach you. We can go to the rink and -" Kendall started speaking with excitement.

"Oh, you mean that place that landed you in the hospital?" Sage interjected with a smirk, teasing him.

"I only got hurt because I challenged a few guys to a friendly game that turned not so friendly," Kendall replied with a shrug, "It tends to happen in contact sports. Plus, we met as a result. So, I think it was worth the small hit to the head," he smiled brilliantly down at her as they walked, and he tapped a finger against his temple.

"Maybe you should try dodging the other players rather than aiming for a head on collision," she suggested playfully.

"Please, I'm _**great**_ at dodging," Kendall told her with a smile and a scoff; mocking offense.

"Really?" she asked, raising her brow.

Kendall nodded proudly.

Sage let go of his hand, shaking her own out gently and ignoring the feeling of loss. She took a few steps away and turned to face him as he threw his bag carelessly to the ground.

"Dodge me," she stated with a smile, which he returned, before running straight for him.

Instead of moving, Kendall opened his arms and lunged forward, wrapping them around her waist and pulling her into him with a laugh. Sage found herself up in the air, only his strength keeping her feet off of the ground. So, she wrapped her legs around him.

"Never," he whispered as they inched their heads closer to one another to meet in a soft, passionate kiss.

Their hearts picked up in a faster tempo while they held each other tightly, and their lips fit perfectly together. Their tongues met one another's, only increasing the heat between them.

Kendall walked to the nearest wall, holding Sage up against it with her legs still wrapped around him. His hands wandered up and down her sides while she grabbed the back of his neck, making both of them tremble. They only pulled away when they needed air.

Kendall and Sage breathed heavily, their foreheads resting against each others as Kendall used his hips as leverage to keep Sage around him and against the wall.

"I like contact sports," Sage finally spoke between breaths, smiling as Kendall laughed softly.

"I thought I loved them before… Now there's a whole new appeal," Kendall grinned, panting from their kiss, as he finally stepped back, letting Sage's feet meet the ground. He still kept his hands on her waist, not even being able to imagine letting go. Sage and Kendall stood quietly for a few moments, holding each other and enjoying the feeling. With her head against his chest, Sage spoke.

"Shall we continue the tour?" she asked with a smile, pulling away and leaning her head on the wall behind her to look at Kendall.

"Why not? So far, it's the best tour _**ever**_," he smirked, causing them both to shiver while thinking about their most recent lip lock.

"Very true," Sage nodded in agreement while Kendall took a small step back, pulling her forward with him.

He finally turned away from Sage and picked up the discarded bag, being sure to keep one arm around her body when they left the gym. They walked down a long hall and, when they reached the end, Sage moved to one of the many doors.

"What's this?" Kendall asked as they both stepped forward with their free hands cupped against the glass window to peek inside the dark room.

"It's the music room," Sage explained while turning the handle. It was locked.

"Don't worry… We can go to my house after lunch. There's a piano that the original owners left when they moved, and I really want to hear you play," Kendall smiled, kissing the top of her head sweetly before continuing. "Unless, of course, you want to break in…" he suggested, his smile turning into a mischievous smirk.

"I don't think so. You shouldn't have a permanent record before you even start the semester, 'Clyde'," Sage joked, nudging his ribs while they walked down the next hall.

"If I'm Clyde, that makes you my Bonnie," Kendall played along, smirking down at Sage as he moved in front of her so he was walking backwards slowly with his hands in both of hers.

"All right, my partner in crime, what classes are you taking in September?" Sage laughed as Kendall dodged a garbage can just quick enough so he didn't send himself to the floor.

"Told you I was good at dodging," he laughed and then resumed walking backwards in front of her. "Anyway… I figured I'd take whatever you did. I don't have a preference other than spending time with my girlfriend," Kendall smiled as they stopped walking, and he moved his hands to her waist.

"I'm your girlfriend?" Sage asked, looking up into his eyes. When the term first left his mouth, she had felt ecstatic that they were on the same page. Quickly regaining her composure, she had planted a smirk worthy of Kendall's signature one onto her face.

Kendall froze at her question, worried that he said the wrong thing. It seemed like he had no filter with Sage. However, he completely relaxed when he studied Sage's playful expression.

"Well, if you don't want to be my girlfriend, I guess I could just look around for someone else…" he grinned, making a show of scanning his green eyes across the empty hall.

"That won't be necessary, _**Boyfriend**_," Sage laughed, pulling him forward to deliver a quick kiss to his lips.

"I think we've completely lost it," Kendall sighed with a soft smile as he looked longingly at the girl in his arms.

"Completely," Sage agreed quietly with a grin. "Unless you usually pick up random people in the hospital, I'm pretty sure - ".

"That this is insane," Kendall finished for her, only smiling like he didn't care about how abnormal their relationship was, and neither did Sage.

The two teenagers' heart rates picked up as they inched closer, pulled together like magnets. Their lips came together and worked through a slow, sensual, choreographed dance that they seemed to already have memorized. Their hands pulled at one another while their tongues met softly.

Kendall squeezed her waist and pulled her close, holding onto her like she might disappear, until her body was completely against his own. Sage placed her own hands on his firm upper arms, feeling them tense beneath the heat their bodies created as he used his muscles to hold her impossibly harder against him.

The pair slowly separated.

"We keep doing that," Kendall stated between breaths with a grin.

"Are you complaining?" Sage asked playfully, still wrapped in his arms.

"Absolutely not," his grin transformed into a full smile, while he reached up to move a piece of blonde hair away from Sage's emerald eyes.

"Good," she smiled sweetly, giving his arms a gentle squeeze before stepping away and taking his hand into her own where it always seemed to belong.

"Lunch?" Kendall asked with a tilt of his head.

"Where should we eat?" Sage questioned.

"Where do you usually have lunch?" he countered.

"This way," she smiled, pulling his hand and leading him through the hall.

They stopped at a large, open doorway that held only a staircase. There was one flight up, a landing, then another set that lead to the second floor.

"I told you I didn't have any friends," she shrugged as they moved up the stairs, "and crowds aren't my thing. So, this is my private cafeteria," Sage explained, gesturing nervously with a wave of her hand as they stopped on the center landing.

"Thanks for sharing another one of your special spots with me," Kendall spoke with a genuine smile, caressing the back of her hand with his thumb.

"Now it's _**our**_ private cafeteria," she smirked, while turning to sit on the floor with her back against the brick wall.

"I haven't even known you for 24 hours, and we already have two special places that are all our own," Kendall commented with a smile as he sat directly beside her so their shoulders were touching. Kendall always did his best to make sure he had contact with her at all times.

"Definitely abnormal," Sage chuckled.

Kendall pulled his bag over his head and off of his shoulder and opened it. He handed her a bottle of water and a sandwich. Both of them ate in a comfortable silence, seeming to be deep in thought even after they finished their food.

They pondered what the last several hours had brought them. The time together had made their lives collide; binding them together so that it was difficult to imagine what had come before. Whether they were close or far apart, they only thought about one another. Their bodies and minds screamed out simultaneously for each other. The call was so loud that it was almost deafening and unbearable when they couldn't get immediate satisfaction.

Kendall turned to Sage with a serious expression, ready to explain how he felt. He reached over to take her hand in his own, staring down at it as he spoke. He seemed to be memorizing the way it looked and felt to be intertwined together.

"I never gave much thought about destiny or fate… but when I saw you in the hospital last night I just knew…" Kendall paused to look Sage in the eyes, trying to convey all the emotions he felt, "…I knew it was meant to be," he reached up to her face with a small, genuine smile. "My body…my heart…my _**everything**_ called out for you the second I heard your voice," he admitted all that he had been thinking about her.

As he waits for Sage to speak, Kendall stops everything. He stops breathing. He doesn't blink, and he's sure that his heart does not beat even once. He watches her intently and questioningly, feeling like if he couldn't be with her his life would end.

Sage only waited a split second before reaching for his other hand so both of hers were in his… They were always a perfect fit.

"Like soul mates," Sage whispered with a shaky breath.

She studied their hands just as he had moments before, and then looked up at him with a sweet smile and eyes that shimmered even in the dim lighting.

Kendall made her truly happy; something she thought she would never experience. She was sure that the only person in her life, although unwanted, would be Elliot. Her existence was never what she wanted it to be, and she had grown accustomed to the idea of living without joy… until Kendall came along.

Sage finally spoke.

"Before the last 24 hours, I thought I knew what my life was and how it was going to be… except, now, I'm not sure of anything… but, I do know one thing without a doubt…" Sage paused, taking a deep breath and moving closer to him.

"What is it?" he spoke with expectant eyes and quick breaths.

"It's crazy," Sage warned with a shake of her head before looking him in the eyes again.

"What isn't lately?" Kendall asked rhetorically. He squeezed her hand for reassurance.

He waited relatively patiently for her to continue, feeling like he already knew in his heart what she would say, but still anticipated it like a child did Christmas morning.

Sage leaned forward, connecting their lips in a delicate kiss that Kendall returned gently until she leaned back.

"I love you," she spoke with a relieved smile, glad she was able to speak the words she hadn't said since her mother died years ago. Sage was pleased to find that it came easier for her than she thought it would be.

It seemed natural to love Kendall Knight.

He reached up to touch the side of her face. His hands could never seem to get enough of her. His smile was wide and ecstatic. He felt anxious and relaxed at the same time, but even the most confusing feelings felt right around Sage.

"I love you too," Kendall spoke with as much sincerity as Sage had.

Without waiting another moment, they propelled themselves forward, connecting their lips. Sage's tongue instantly found his as she moved to lean on her knees. It only took a second before she threw her leg over him so that she was straddling his lap.

Kendall pulled her against him while their tongues playfully battled for dominance, the kiss turning more feverish than ever before. Sage's left hand found his upper arm, pushing up the sleeve of his shirt to make skin contact with his strong bicep. Her other hand clutched the back of his neck, tugging on his hair gently, only making him hold her tighter.

He had one hand on Sage's hip while the other pressed into her lower back. He touched the hot, exposed skin between her jeans and shirt, pushing underneath the fabric slightly so that his whole hand burned. Both of them moved their hips instinctively against one another as they tried to deepen the kiss even more, only pulling away when they finally gave into their lungs' demands for oxygen.

Both teenagers stayed still, trying to make their breathing return to normal while continuing to clutch one another tightly. They lay their foreheads against each other's, waiting for their minds to clear.

Being together was like tunnel vision… Only the two of them mattered, and the rest was just background noise.

"Life is going to get weird," Sage smiled, finally speaking into the silence.

"It's already weird," Kendall chuckled while he rubbed his hand slowly up and down her back, beneath her shirt.

"We don't even know each other that well," Sage rationalized. However, she still smiled, seeming to be unfazed by any logic that said they shouldn't be together as they were in that moment.

"We'll learn," Kendall reassured her with a kiss to the exposed area just below her neck.

Both of them shivered in delight and pressed harder against the other.

"Any other concerns or arguments?" Kendall asked as he continued moving his hand along her back while she glided her own up and down the length of his arm.

"I really can't think of any that matter," she whispered with a smile as she delivered her own kiss, pressing her soft lips against his neck.

"Good. Me either," Kendall told her with a smirk as she relaxed fully against him.

She buried her head into his shoulder, and he wrapped both arms around her. They embraced lovingly, unable to think or even care about the rest of the world beyond the surrounding walls.

* * *

**A/N: What did you think? I would really love some REVIEWS even if you just say you like it :).. or hated it.. to each his own lol... If you don't want to take the time to review, please ALERT just so I know that you are interested in more...  
**

**I'm currently working on a couple SLASH stories, and I understand that this community has a HUGE slash following... I got a crazy amount of reception for "For the Lovers of Kogan"..and it really made my whole weekend... I'm a major fan of these boys myself, and they are so damn writeable that i had to do a KendallxOC story :)... I'm really trying to make it different from the majority of them and I PROMISE that James, Carlos, and Logan are going to play a huge and important role in this story... I really do love writing them and I'm excited to share the scenes that I have planned for them. :D**

**Please review... oh! and who's excited for the new episode tomorrow night? makes me wanna write a Jagan one-shot... ;D... and i'm so jazzed about the album drop tomorrow... What's your favorite song? (mine are Oh yeah and Big Night)**

**ANONYMOUS Reviews are enabled. So, don't be shy :D  
**


	5. Big Time Questions

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Here's Chapter 5! :D I hope all of you like it. Please, let me know what you think in a review :)**

**Thank you for all of the reviews. I really appreciate every single one of them  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot  
**

**IMPORTANT NOTE: I've started a MATURE one-shot series for KOGAN called "For the Lovers of Kogan"... Check it out if you're so inclined :D**

**YAY! In this chapter, we finally hear about James, Logan, and Carlos! :D (I'm so excited for what I have planned for them ;)  
**

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

****_CHAPTER 5: BIG TIME QUESTIONS_

* * *

Later in the afternoon, after finishing their tour, Kendall brought Sage to his house. As they walked across the threshold, hand in hand, she studied her surroundings.

The small, two-story house was bright and warm with the sun flooding through its numerous windows. It was already lighter and friendlier than her own house, which seemed to always be dark and sterile.

They had only moved in recently, but the Knight house already felt like a home. Family photos and various hockey trophies decorated the walls and shelves, making it seem like the family had lived there their whole lives.

"Here's the piano," Kendall spoke with a smile as he lead her into the family room and toward a shiny, black piano that sat against the back wall.

Sage immediately sat down and ran her hands lightly across the keys without actually pressing down. Kendall sat beside her, making sure to lean into her body.

"What should I play?" Sage asked with a smile, turning to look at Kendall who had already been staring at her.

"Whatever you want," he told her with a shrug while turning to watch her hands intently as they took their starting positions.

Sage began the melody slowly, moving her fingers across the keys and allowing the music to flood the room. Kendall watched her carefully with a wide smile, trying to study everything about her. He found it beautiful when she played the piano. Her hands appeared more delicate than ever before. Her emerald eyes seemed to be watching the keys, yet nothing at all, and a permanent soft smile graced her lips. He placed his hand on her lower back as the song came to an end.

"That was amazing. What was it?" he asked, the sweet, melodic song still ringing in his ears.

"Something I wrote, but I haven't figured out what it's about yet," Sage explained with a laugh.

"Teach me how to play something," Kendall pleaded with a charming smile.

"Alright…First you have to get a feel for the keys," Sage instructed with a smirk as she shifted across the bench to sit in Kendall's lap.

"I'm liking this lesson so far, but I don't think I'll be able to concentrate," Kendall threw her a smirk of his own while he wrapped his arms around her front, his hands interlocked against her stomach.

"Pay attention," Sage scolded him with a playful smile. She took his hands in her own and brought them to the piano so that his rested on top of hers.

"Oh… I'm focused," Kendall took a deep breath, and then laid his chin against her shoulder while she pressed her back fully against his chest.

Both Sage and Kendall relaxed as they began playing a simple tune: Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. She guided his hands through the melody until it ended.

"Now try it yourself," Sage requested, slipping her hands out from underneath his and resting them against his thighs. Kendall took another deep breath, exhaling against Sage's neck and making her skin tingle.

After regaining his composure, Kendall played through the short tune by himself, executing it perfectly.

"Are you sure you've never played before?" Sage asked with a smile as his arms wrapped around her again, and she laid her own hands against his.

"I'm sure," he chuckled while squeezing her tightly against him, "I just find it hard to forget anything you do," he continued, planting a kiss to her neck. "I could probably play most of the other song you wrote."

"Please! You were staring at me the whole time," Sage smirked while spinning in his lap so that she sat sideways with her arms around his neck.

"True," Kendall smirked and shrugged slightly, unable to feel ashamed about staring at Sage. The two of them inched towards one another, enjoying their close proximity.

"I hope it's this fun when you teach me how to play the guitar," Sage spoke only centimeters away from his face, her breath tickling his lips.

"I can promise you it will be," Kendall smirked as they finally closed the distance between them. Their lips met in a soft kiss that ended all too quickly when the doorbell rang.

"You should get that," Sage smiled against his lips as she moved to get off of his lap.

"They'll go away," Kendall insisted with a grin while he grabbed her hips to keep her still. The doorbell rang again before he could recapture her lips.

Kendall sighed heavily.

"Coming!" he called out while standing both Sage and himself up, "I'll be right back," he spoke softly, giving her a quick kiss before heading for the front door to open it. Sage stayed out of sight.

"Hello. My name is Erika Glickman. I live down the road, and I just wanted to welcome your family to the neighborhood!" a middle age, dark haired woman spoke cheerfully on the other side of the threshold.

"That's very nice of you. I'm Kendall Knight," he replied with a bright, cordial smile as he reached forward to gently shake the woman's hand, "My mom is at work right now, but I'll be sure to tell her you stopped by," he continued quickly, already moving towards the handle of the door. All he could think about was getting back to Sage.

"Alright, Dear," Erika Glickman smiled while taking a step back before suddenly remembering something, "Oh! I almost forgot. Here's a small house warming treat. Enjoy!" she held out her a plate of fresh chocolate chip cookies.

"Thank you very much. Have a good night!" Kendall called out with a wave after taking the plate and watching Mrs. Glickman walk away.

"She's gone!" he called out in a sing-song voice after shutting the door.

He walked back to where he had left Sage, but she wasn't there.

"Sage?" Kendall yelled, looking around the room.

"Up here!" her voice rang through the foyer.

Kendall smirked and walked to stand at the bottom of the staircase. Sage sat on the top step with her chin resting on her hand.

"I gave you a tour of the _**entire **_school, and I haven't even seen the second floor of your house," she spoke with a smile, looking down at him.

"Alright then," Kendall laughed and started climbing up the steps, "Let me be _**your**_ guide… and look! We even offer complementary cookies on our tour," he grinned as he reached the top and stood in front of Sage. Kendall took a cookie from the plate and tossed it to her. She giggled as she caught it between her hands and stood up while taking a bite.

"Not bad," she commented and smirked. Sage took a step back so Kendall could finish climbing up the last step.

"It's one of the perks of moving to a new place: house warming goodies!" he said excitedly as he took a bite out of a cookie and moved down the hall with Sage by his side.

Kendall's free hand immediately found Sage's before he spoke.

"Back there is my mom's room and Katie's room," he explained, waving behind him with the cookie plate at two closed doors to the right of the stairs.

"I'm assuming the door with the 'Keep Out' sign is Katie's?" Sage laughed, studying the large red text.

"You assume right," Kendall nodded and laughed, "She may be ten, but she's like some older, _**diabolical**_ genius," he explained with playful, wide eyes.

"Duly noted," Sage giggled while Kendall pulled her to the left of the staircase and to the end of the relatively empty hall. There was only one door on their right.

"And this is my room," Kendall declared as he opened the door. He and Sage entered his bedroom, which had a short hallway before it opened up. He put the plate down on his dresser while Sage looked around.

The room was a nice size. The wall directly in front of them had a large window and a desk beside it. On the wall to the left, there was a dresser and mirror with an acoustic guitar sitting in the corner near the desk. The third wall, on the right of the room, had a queen sized bed with a dark blue comforter and white sheets, and there was a nightstand on each side. The final wall behind them contained his closet and a private bathroom.

Various pictures and posters decorated the walls. It was an average teenage boys room; it looked lived in.

Sage couldn't help but think how it was nothing like her own room. Her personal space in her house stayed completely _**impersonal**_. Her room remained simple with muted colors and white walls, and there were no items on display.

It was like an asylum without the padded walls. Elliot never allowed her to bring anything in to decorate her room. He didn't even relent after her mother died.

After he threw everything associated with her mother's memory in the garbage, Sage had dug through the trash to rescue an important photo. It was of her mother holding her as an infant on the day of her birth. Sage was sleeping in the smiling woman's arms.

Sage had taken the picture to her barren room and placed it on her nightstand, thinking it would fend off nightmares about her mother's lifeless body. When Elliot saw it, he tossed the memento into the fireplace and then proceeded to beat her harder than he ever had before that time. He whispered to her while she bled on the floor.

_"Your mother doesn't exist anymore… forget she ever did… because I have… It's just you and me."  
_

After shaking her head to clear it of all the thoughts about Elliot, Sage walked further into the room while Kendall sat on his bed and watched her with a smirk as she observed the rest of her surroundings.

"Is that you?" she asked with a smile, turning to point at a frame hanging on the wall beside his dresser.

It was a large picture of four young boys huddling close together on the ground and smiling for the camera. They were all dressed warmly and the richly colored leaves of autumn lay in a pile beneath them. Sage's finger landed on the blonde child positioned second in the line of boys.

Kendall jumped off of the bed with a grin and moved to stand beside her with his arm around her waist as they looked over the photograph.

"Yup! Aren't I adorable?" Kendall joked with a cheeky smile as he squeezed the girl he held close.

"Who are the others?" Sage questioned, leaning into Kendall's embrace.

"They were my best friends when I lived in Minnesota. This one…" he began by pointing to the boy on the far left who had short raven colored hair and dark eyes. He wore a small, happy grin just like young Kendall. "This is Logan Mitchell. He was the sensible brainiac of the group. He tried to be the voice of reason when we ended up in crazy situations, but you could always tell he secretly loved the chaos. He was a great friend… loyal no matter what."

Kendall stopped, smiling softly, before moving his finger to the boy on the other side of him. This one had an adorable, perfect smile and soft brown hair. His hazel eyes looked right into the camera.

"That's James Diamond. He was born for Hollywood. He did it all: singing, dancing, and acting. James was made to perform, and he'd let you know it every chance he got. He was full of passion. I only started getting interested in music because of him," Kendall explained with a small laugh.

He picked up his finger and put it on the final and fourth boy with a wide smile, brown eyes, and short dark hair.

"This is Carlos Garcia. He was our crazy, hilarious dare devil. Logan tried his best to keep him out of trouble, James egged him on, and I would always be in the middle depending on my mood and how outlandish the stunt was," Kendall chuckled, shaking his head from side to side, "Carlos would try anything twice."

"Don't you mean _**once**_?" Sage interjected with a smirk, turning her head to look up at him.

"No, Carlos lives by his own rules," Kendall laughed while looking at the photo once more. Sage watched him as his smile softened into a small grin. His green eyes glazed over as he ran through memories of his friends.

"You miss them a lot, don't you?" Sage inquired, leaning her head against his chest and wrapping both arms around his torso while they both looked at the picture.

"Yeah, I do. They were my best friends. I haven't seen them since I was Katie's age and we had to leave Minnesota. I grew up with them, but then my dad died. Mom struggled to pay the bills with only her income. We ended up moving in with a relative, trying to stay in the town we loved… It was only a few years though before my mom found a better job here in North Dakota. That's when we really started moving around here every couple of years," Kendall explained, laying his own head on top of Sage's, feeling less gloomy at the contact. She always heated him up; she even smelled warm. It invaded his senses, making every muscle relax.

"Maybe you'll see them again someday. I don't think that they were part of your life for no reason," Sage reassured him with a soft smile and she leaned up to kiss him gently on the cheek. She let her lips linger for a moment before taking a step back.

"You're right," Kendall nodded, his wide smile returning. He felt real optimism. Even if he weren't with them, he knew he loved his best friends, and he already started thinking about making a trip back to Minnesota even if he had to wait until after senior year.

"So, what kind of reckless things would your ten-year-old self and your friends do?" Sage asked in excitement, almost as if she could feed off of his happy, fun childhood to make her own memories seem less dark.

"Well, one time, Carlos wanted to jump off of James' second story balcony and into the pool," Kendall laughed.

"And how did that end up?" Sage asked with a giggle.

"Logan told him the trajectory was all wrong and he wouldn't make the landing. James wanted him to do it, but warned him he may have permanent blemishes from scars if he needed stitches," Kendall explained.

"And you?" Sage crossed her arms with a smirk, raising an eyebrow.

"I told him to go for it because I knew that the splash would be epic," Kendall smiled brightly. "So, I covered Logan's eyes so he wouldn't hyperventilate while Carlos climbed to the edge with James cheering him on. Carlos took a big leap and landed dead center in the pool. Even Logan ended up cheering because it was so awesome. He didn't think he would make it, but Carlos defies most logic," Kendall laughed along with Sage as he moved to stand in front of the large window. "I think the jump was even higher than this, and the pool was a few feet further out than where the roof ends," he pointed out the window absentmindedly. Just beneath it, there was a stretch of roof that didn't have much of a slant and was about three yards deep.

"You have a nice view," Sage commented as they observed the world outside. You could see the tops of a few trees that were scattered across the yard and the top of the wooden fence at the end of the property. Beyond that, there were only more trees and the clear blue sky. You couldn't even see any of the neighbors' houses.

"Yeah, I got lucky. The last place we were in, there wasn't a single window in my room," Kendall frowned, then took Sage's hand and opened the window. "Let's get a better look," he smiled as he waved his hand, "Ladies first."

"What a gentleman," Sage smirked as she swung one leg over the windowsill, then the other. She stood on the roof while Kendall climbed out behind her, their hands still intertwined.

After gaining his footing, Kendall lowered himself to the roof, pulling Sage with him. They lay down together, both on their backs with their shoulders touching. The slight incline of the roof angled the two just enough so that they had a view of not only the sky overhead, but also the horizon above the trees. From the sun's weakening strength, they could tell the evening would settle upon them in only a couple of hours.

"Now that you're my girlfriend, we should get to know each other better," Kendall smiled, turning his head to look at Sage.

"Shouldn't it have been the other way around?" she joked about their unusual beginnings.

"Whatever," he sighed and nudged her playfully with their clasped hands, "You love how crazy we are."

"I do," Sage nodded slowly, leaning in to gently kiss Kendall. Her lips lingered near his for a moment as she spoke. "We could ask each other questions," she suggested.

"Good idea! Let's start with something basic…" Kendall thought for a moment, his smile still on his face from when they had kissed. "When is your birthday?"

"May 27th. You?" Sage asked while they both continued smiling at each other, unable to wash away the playfulness that always seemed to come over them.

"March 19th… Now it's your turn to ask something," Kendall told her, waiting in interest as she thought of a question.

"What's your favorite school subject?" she asked.

"That one's easy… gym," he answered happily.

"I'm not sure gym counts as a school subject," Sage laughed, teasing him.

"You get a grade in it, don't you?" he acted defensive but was smiling brilliantly anyway as she nodded. "Well, then it counts."

"Fair enough," she laughed as she sat up.

Sage pivoted her body so she was almost perpendicular with Kendall and laid her head on his stomach, being sure to keep their hands locked together. He seemed to be enjoying the new position, smiling down at her as he placed his free hand beneath his head and put their clasped hands over her stomach.

"Least favorite?" Sage questioned once they settled in.

"Definitely math. I can never wrap my head around all the equations and formulas," he spoke, furrowing his brow. "What about you?"

"My least favorite is probably science. I don't like working with strangers in lab…and my favorite is actually math," Sage answered with a smirk.

"Now that we're in school together, we can be lab partners," Kendall smiled back with optimism.

"And I can help you with math," Sage offered and Kendall agreed.

"Good. Now let's think about something more fun than school," he instructed, pronouncing the last word with disgust before continuing. "Would you ever want to be famous?"

"Oh, you're getting creative," Sage commented, smirking before stopping to think. "I love writing songs, but I don't ever see myself leaving this town. I feel like I'm trapped here… " she spoke softly, casting her eyes back towards the horizon.

Sage didn't say it, but she not only felt like she was trapped, she _**knew**_ it. Elliot had power over the entire town, and he would always make sure she stayed as long as possible. She was his slave. He had become her master the moment he signed the adoption papers and married her mother.

"You can do and be whatever you want, Sage…" Kendall reassured her sweetly, bringing his hand to her cheek and making her face him again, "… and I'll promise you right now: we'll help make each other's dreams come true," he finished with a warm smile, causing her to give him one of her own.

"Because we love each other," Sage added as she brought up their intertwined hands and place her lips against his wrist.

"Absolutely," Kendall agreed, squeezing her hand tighter, and enjoying the way his skin burned where she had kissed him.

"Would _**you**_ want to be famous?" Sage asked, directing their conversation back to the original question.

"I really like music, but I spend a lot of my time on hockey. I've never thought too much about being famous. Although, I don't think I'd complain if I was," he finished with a grin.

"Maybe, someday, we'll be famous together," Sage offered with her own smirk.

"Hollywood's 'it' couple," Kendall played along as they both laughed.

It was nice to dream, but both of them highly doubted that Hollywood's 'next big thing' was going to come out of Ramsey, North Dakota.

"Next question…If money wasn't an issue, what would you buy?" Kendall asked.

"I would give my mother a proper tombstone… When she died, we could only afford a small plaque with her name on it. It should have at least said something like 'loving mother'… something for a memory so that she's not just a name," Sage explained quietly, frowning but able to keep her tears at bay. "What about you?" she asked, bringing her lips up into a smile while looking at Kendall; something she could never fail to do.

"I'd want to buy a house for my family… It could be anywhere my mom wants. That way, we wouldn't have to keep moving. It's rough on her… She never has a life of her own," Kendall finished sadly with a soft shrug, before continuing suddenly with a smile. "It also doesn't hurt that I'd have as much money as I needed to buy Katie off when she wants to rat me out for something, or if I have to pay her to help me."

"Doesn't she just help you out because you're her brother?" Sage laughed.

"There's always a catch with Katie… It's like I said: she's diabolical," they both laughed. When they finally sobered, Sage asked another question.

"What's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done?" she questioned.

"Well, this one time, I asked out a girl I had only known for a few minutes in a hospital. Then we spent the night together in the woods," Kendall smirked, a spark igniting behind his jade eyes. "And you?"

"I said yes," she smiled up at him. Kendall reached forward to touch her face gently, brushing a stray piece of hair away. They both warmed at the contact.

"What's your greatest fear?" he asked softly while they both seemed to be studying each other quietly. Neither had ever given much thought about the cliché of the eyes being the windows to the soul, but now they found it hard to disprove. They stared intently into one another like there was nothing to hide or prove. They could see each other inside and out, and instead of feeling self conscious, they felt completely free.

"Right now, I'm scared of losing you," Sage admitted sadly.

"That would _**never **_happen… Why would it?" Kendall reassured her with a small smile as his fingers continued to dance over her features.

"I don't know… but we always fear irrational things, right?" she shrugged, leaning into his touch.

"I guess so," he admitted, "because I'm afraid of losing you too. This feels so good," he stopped to squeeze her hand in his own, "and the pessimist in me keeps wondering when it's all going to get ripped away."

"If something happens, we'll just have to deal with it," Sage told him; her mind thinking back to Elliot. He would undoubtedly pose a threat to their relationship. However, unlike with everything else, Sage was determined not to let him ruin Kendall and her. In this moment, she didn't care if Elliot literally ripped her head off. She wasn't giving Kendall up, and she would take whatever Elliot dealt her, without protest, if it meant he would leave him alone.

"Your turn to ask something," Kendall nudged her playfully, bringing her back to their conversation.

"Okay… How would you describe me in ten words or less?" she asked with a smirk that showed interest and mischief.

"That's easy," Kendall waved his hand through the air before facing her with a sincere smile. "You are beautiful… smart… sarcastic, which I _**love**_… You're a bit mysterious… talented… and alluring."

"Alluring?" Sage chuckled at his choice of words.

"I'm serious! Whether you're near me or not, I feel completely drawn to you… like my body needs you," he responded honestly, staring at her intently.

"That's why I love holding your hand," Sage agreed with the same stare. "It's perfect. It makes everything warmer and peaceful."

Kendall smiled again while bringing their hands to his lips. He kissed her wrist just as she had done for him earlier… They always seemed to be tit-for-tat. They were equals. They both wanted and needed each other just the same.

"Now you describe me," Kendall requested with excitement. Sage grinned while continuing to look up at him from her pace on his abdomen.

"Alright. You are… brave… sexy…" Sage paused as he gave her his trademark smirk and raised a brow. "Don't even question it because you're doing it right now," she added. Kendall's smirk widened to a smile as he gestured for her to continue. "You're also confident… witty… unpredictable… and irresistible."

"Why thank you," Kendall joked.

"Okay, I'm asking another question before your ego explodes," Sage bantered back. "If you had one wish, what would it be?" She watched as Kendall thought, casting his eyes toward the fading sun before settling back on hers with a frown.

"I would wish that my dad beat his cancer," he spoke softly, drinking in the natural comfort Sage provided in order to keep the tears from falling. "It's so hard on my mom, and I miss him all the time. Katie was too young to remember him, but it doesn't mean she's any better off. It's like she's never had a father when I know how great he was. All I can do is tell her my favorite stories about him."

"I'm sure she appreciates them," Sage told him quietly, her own tears forming when she saw his pain. "You're molding wonderful memories just for her. I bet your dad would be so proud of you for being a good role model and keeping him special to her," she finished with a wide smile when she found one forming on Kendall's features at her words.

"Thank you… You always seem to know what I need to hear," Kendall grinned. "What would you wish for?"

"My answer's not going to be any happier," she warned him with a sideways glance, but he just shrugged and motioned for her to continue, "I wish my mother had never met Elliot." Sage is being honest and almost regrets it. She spoke without really thinking… knowing that the truth about Elliot is the only thing she is keeping from Kendall.

"Why?" he asked from above her.

"He made her unhappy," she admitted, keeping her answer simple; unlike her life with Elliot. He had abused her mom well before he had ever laid a hand on Sage. "I truly believe that, if it were just me and her, she wouldn't have gotten sad enough to slit her wrists," she explained, a single tear escaping her eye.

"Do you miss her a lot?" Kendall asked gently, unsure of how Sage felt about her mother's departure.

"Sometimes… Mostly I've accepted that she's gone and that it was her choice. Sometimes I think she was a coward who left me behind, and other times I don't blame her as much. It's complicated I guess," Sage shrugged sadly.

"That's completely understandable. At least I had a chance to say goodbye… but you didn't, did you?" Kendall asked warily. At this point, silent tears fell down both of their faces. The pain was shared between them, making each other's burden a little less heavy.

"No, I didn't. One day she was around, and the next she just wasn't," Sage shook her head, thinking a moment before continuing. "That's actually the only reason I believe she still loved me when she left… If she was too afraid to say goodbye, then she must have known she was leaving something behind," Sage finished with a soft smile of optimism.

Both Kendall and her looked at one another while they broke out into matching grins. They simultaneously reached forward, brushing the tears off of each other's skin.

"Next question," Sage sighed and chuckled once they had both relaxed again. Kendall's devious smirk returned to his features before speaking.

"Who was your first love and first kiss?" he asked playfully, already pulling her closer.

"I think you know," Sage teased; leaning up towards him until she was only centimeters from his smile.

"Enlighten me," Kendall spoke right before their lips connected softly.

"I love you," Sage told him as they broke apart for a moment, their foreheads and upper bodies still pressed together.

"I love you too," he responded, pecking her lips quickly, still finding it hard to catch his breath.

"I never get tired of hearing that," Sage added with a smile as her lips grazed against his jaw.

"Or saying it," Kendall agreed. He planted a feather light kiss to her shoulder, making a trail with his lips up her neck until they met hers once again.

The kiss was sweet and slow. Not needy, but filled with the passion and the love they expressed. It erased any traces of sadness within them. It was just the two of them in their own world, simply enjoying the feeling of being against one another and the complete contentment it brought them.

The sound of car doors slamming could be heard down below, breaking Sage and Kendall apart. His mother and Katie had arrived.

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**Next Chapter: We see some fun family interaction with Katie and Karen... I really enjoy writing them. Especially Katie and Kendall because they have the cutest big bro/baby sis relationship... After that, it's gonna start getting DARK.  
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**And we finally heard about the boys! and YES, they will be reunited... but how? It may not be how you think... Leave me your thoughts in a review :)**


	6. Big Time Family

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Here's Chapter 6! :D I hope all of you like it. Please, let me know what you think in a REVIEW :)**

**Thank you to all of those who have reviewed. I really appreciate every single one of them, which is why I respond to all the ones I can :D  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot  
**

**_-waterwicca_**

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_CHAPTER 6: BIG TIME FAMILY_

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"Mom and Katie are home," Kendall stated simply, amazing himself when he didn't panic. He did, technically, have a girl in his room. "Are you ready to meet the family?" he asked with a laugh as they climbed to their feet and through his window.

"Sure," Sage shrugged, unsure of how to feel. She was surprisingly comfortable when she felt nervousness and excitement buzz through her. It was better than the usual fear that struck her at the thought of strangers and meeting new people.

"Wait," Kendall spoke suddenly as they were about to step out of his room and into the hall. He held her in place by tugging gently on their clasped hands. "What should I tell my mom? You're my girlfriend, and I love you, but how do I explain that to her with out making her think I've lost it?" Kendall panicked, losing his cool.

Sage smiled for a moment, thinking he looked cute even when he was flustered. She reached a hand to his face and ran her fingers over it gently, relaxing him instantly.

"Calm down. It's okay. We'll just say I'm a friend you made yesterday around town. We both know how we feel, but we also know it's not normal. So, I'm not going to feel offended if you want to ease your mom into this," Sage reassured him with a soothing voice.

"God, you're so awesome," Kendall spoke with a smirk, leaning down to kiss her.

"And you're easily distracted," she laughed, pushing him away softly after kissing him once. "We have to get downstairs."

"Kendall, are you home?" he heard his mother's voice float up the stairs from the kitchen as he and Sage descended hand in hand. When they reached the bottom, they smiled at each other quickly as Kendall glanced around. After he realized his mother couldn't see them yet, he stole a quick kiss. Sage stifled a giggle.

"I'm here! And I brought… a friend," Kendall called out with a slight hesitation and a frown that only disappeared when Sage reassured him with a smile. They could hear Karen walking towards them through the small hallway. Sage glanced down quickly at their interlocked hands, suddenly realizing they were still together.

"Kendall," she whispered so he would turn to look at her. When she had his attention, she darted her eyes downward at their hands so he would get the hint. They squeezed together one last time before their hands slowly unlocked, causing them both to drop their smiles at the loss. Kendall grinned when he got an idea. He stepped just an inch closer to her side so their arms brushed. It was the best they could do without really touching.

"Who's this?" Karen asked cheerfully as she finally came to stand in front of the two teenagers. Katie appeared suddenly next to her before Sage spoke.

"Hi, I'm Sage Henderson," Sage told her with a smile as she extended a hand and Karen shook it. She was naturally warm like Kendall. "And you must be Katie," she continued, looking down at the brown haired girl. Katie just rolled her eyes and walked past her into the living room.

"Katie!" both Karen and Kendall yelled at the same time.

"Sorry, she's not usually - " Karen tried to correct her daughter's rude attitude before Kendall interrupted her.

"Yes, she is," he interjected with an exasperated grin directed down at Sage.

"It's fine, really," Sage smiled and waved her hand through the air, "She's just being a ten-year-old girl." Karen smiled genuinely at Sage's understanding, then seemed to suddenly remember something.

"Oh, I have to finish getting the groceries out of the car before they melt in the heat," she said with her ever present smile as she spun quickly on her heel.

"Kendall, help your mom," Sage told him sweetly as she pushed him in the direction Karen had gone. He raised a brow and stood his ground so she couldn't budge him.

"What are you up to?" he smirked and folded his arms against his chest.

"I'm going to try and get on Katie's good side," she explained with a grin and a stance to match his own.

"There is no _**good**_ side," Kendall joked.

"Shut up," she laughed. "She's your sister. So, I have to at least make her talk to me."

"If you insist," Kendall sighed and unfolded his arms to rest them around her waist. "But just remember: I warned you," he leaned forward to peck her lips quickly then took a few steps back toward the kitchen and out the back door to help his mother. Sage shook her head with a smile.

Stepping into the living room, she saw Katie sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table shuffling a deck of cards.

"Hey," Sage spoke softly, leaning against the door frame. She worked hard to make her exterior calm. Luckily, she'd had a lot of practice and it wasn't too hard to do for a young girl. She wouldn't admit it, but she really wanted Katie and Karen to accept her. Everything was perfect with Kendall, and she needed a good relationship with his family too.

"So, you're the girl that had my brother _**spazzing**_ this morning?" Katie spoke without looking up from the cards.

"Well, I sure hope it wasn't someone else," Sage chuckled as she took a few steps closer to Katie. "You play cards?" she asked, trying to make conversation.

"No, I just like looking at them," Katie replied sarcastically. Sage smiled and relaxed. She could handle sarcasm. Katie wouldn't be so bad. It's like dealing with a younger and more hostile Kendall.

"How are you at math?" Sage questioned with a smirk as she sat on the carpet opposite of Katie at the small table.

"I know enough to get by in school," Katie seemed uninterested. She shrugged her shoulders, still not looking at Sage once.

"If I were to teach you about probability, then you could _**dominate**_ in black jack," Sage kept her smirk. She knew that she had gotten through to the girl when big, brown eyes finally looked directly into her green ones.

"Really?" Katie seemed excited as she graced Sage with a toothy smile. A mix of child like innocence played with mischief in her eyes.

"Yup, but I'll only do it if you promise not to use real money when you play," Sage smiled, looking at her with narrowed eyes. Katie groaned, remembering Kendall's earlier comment, but reached her hand forward regardless.

"Deal," they shook hands over the coffee table and then both lifted themselves off of the ground.

Sage and Katie stood in front of each other. Sage had to look down at her because of her height, but Katie seemed to have a dominating presence even when she was outweighed.

"You're not so bad," Katie commented with a warm smile, "but you sound like my brother," she added playfully.

"Is that a bad thing?" Sage asked with a laugh.

"I haven't decided yet," Katie admitted as she laughed along. Any tension between the two seemed to be non-existent when Kendall entered the room.

"How's it going ladies?" he asked with a nervous smile, his eyes darting between the two girls. He was worried about Katie's tendency to leave a less than desirable first impression. Karen came to stand beside him as Sage answered.

"Great," she told him with a shrug of her shoulders and a wide smile.

"I like her," Katie reassured him. She took Sage's hand into her own, "We're going to my room," she spoke as she pulled Sage past Kendall and Karen and onto the stairs.

"What are you doing?" Karen yelled up after them.

"Sage is going to help me with math," Katie called out with out looking down as she continued up the steps.

"Oh, that's wonderful!" Karen exclaimed with her own smile.

Kendall and Sage locked eyes right before she left his sight. They shared a knowing smirk. He was happy that she and Katie seemed to be hitting it off, and he also knew his sister too well to believe they were just going to study math.

"Kendall," his mother spoke, but he hadn't heard her. He still stood at the bottom of the staircase with his eyes cast upward, where Sage had gone, with a soft smile on his lips. He finally turned away when his mother called him louder.

"What's wrong with you?" Karen chuckled and shook her head as she started to straighten out the living room, putting away the cards that Katie left on the table.

"Nothing at all," Kendall smiled cheerfully, still standing in the same spot. Karen studied him as he slowly brought his eyes back to the top of the stairs.

"When did you meet her?" she asked, staring at him in her peripheral vision while busying herself with cleaning.

"Last night," he answered simply without looking away as he shoved his hands into his pockets.

"I thought you were with hockey friends… " Karen spoke skeptically.

"I was!" Kendall's eyes got wide, realizing his mistake. He turned to face his mother and quickly recovered. "I met her before that, and we spent all of today together."

"She seems nice, Sweetie," his mother patted his arm softly before straitening out the coats that hung near the front door. "Katie likes her… and Katie doesn't like most people," she admitted, causing them both to laugh softly.

Karen finished what she was doing and turned to look at her son. He seemed to have no clue that she was in the foyer with him. Kendall wore a small smile, and one foot was rested on the bottom step. He looked as if he were ready to run up the stairs.

"She's more than a friend, isn't she?" Karen asked quietly. Her arms folded in front of her chest in a stance that told Kendall he was a terrible liar, but she was still smiling warmly.

Kendall stiffens before relaxing quickly and turning his head towards his mother. He should have known he couldn't fool her. Kendall only nodded and smiled sheepishly as a response to her question. He climbed the stairs without a word, and she didn't stop him. He thought it was for the best since he couldn't figure out the right words to describe his relationship with Sage to his mother.

As he approached Katie's door, he stopped in his tracks. The door was actually open; as if visitors were welcome for the first time in… well, forever. He could hear laughter flooding through the hall. The girls were giggling like they had been life long friends. He's not sure he's ever heard Katie _giggle_, or sound so young and innocent. It made his heart skip a beat and caused a smile to creep onto his face as he stood in the doorway with his arms crossed.

"Oh, good! Neither of you are dead. So, it must be going well," he joked.

Sage and Katie looked up, from their position at the desk, with wide smiles.

"Sage is cool," Katie declared with a smirk at the blonde girl.

"Yeah… she's pretty great," Kendall agreed as he walked to stand beside Sage and placed his hand on her shoulder. They looked at one another intently.

"Could you two please take it downstairs if you're gonna fall all over each other," Katie rolled her eyes dramatically and twirled her pencil between her fingers.

"Be nice, Kit Kat," Sage warned her playfully with a shove to her shoulder.

"Kit Kat?" Kendall raised an eyebrow at the name.

"Yeah, it's Sage's nickname for me because my middle name is Katherine, _**Kendork**_," she teased. Kendall rolled his eyes.

"I left you two alone for like five minutes, and you are giggling and have nicknames," he declared in disbelief. Sage and Katie merely shrugged. "Must be a girl thing," Kendall mumbled.

"Alright, let's leave Katie alone for a bit. She's got work to do," Sage hopped to her feet and guided Kendall to the door. "Just work on those problems, and we can go over them later."

"When can you show me how to beat the dealer? Right now, all I'm seeing is numbers," Katie complained.

"The numbers are _**everything**_. You have to take it one step at a time," Sage laughed as Kendall took her hand.

"Fine," Katie sighed and swiveled in her chair.

"So, Katie approves of you because you are turning her into a card shark?" Kendall asked with a joking smile as they moved down the hall and toward the stairs.

"It's harmless," Sage insisted. "I'm basically teaching her advanced ratios and fractions without her realizing it," she assured him as they reached the bottom of the steps. "Plus, I already told her she wasn't allowed to play for money."

"I told her the same thing this morning," he laughed and pulled her close. "We're always on the same page," he spoke quietly.

Sage and Kendall brushed their lips together in a light swift motion, tempting fate and each other. Karen could appear at any moment.

"We have to get ourselves under control," Sage suggested, but she made no effort to move away.

"I agree," Kendall spoke, only leaning into her body more.

"Maybe we should start by taking a step back, or at least start breathing our own air," Sage whispered, her lips still lingering near his own as they both grinned.

"On the count of three," he suggested, knowing neither of them wanted to make the first move. Sage nodded slowly.

"One," Kendall started, his grip on her hips tightening.

"Two," Sage continued.

"Sage!" Karen called from the kitchen suddenly, and the two of them jumped apart. Their trance was officially broken.

"Three…" Sage whispered at Kendall with a laugh just as Karen came into view.

"Sage, would you like to stay for dinner?" Karen asked, wiping a towel against her hands.

"I'd love to… but only if you let me help," Sage insisted with a warm smile.

"That would be nice," Karen smiled back as she turned to the kitchen and Sage followed. Kendall made a move to walk with Sage, but she stopped him. When his mother was out of earshot, she spoke.

"It's probably better if you stay in the living room," she declared with a stern stare that was betrayed by a smirk.

"Why?" Kendall pouted and took a step closer to her.

"That's why!" Sage whispered, laughing quietly as she took a step back. "When we get too close, it's _**painfully**_ obvious something is going on. Even Katie could see it," she explained, fighting to keep a small space between them.

"You're right," Kendall nodded, a look of determination crossing his features. "We'll just keep our distance until we learn to keep ourselves in check around my family."

"Agreed," Sage smiled with the same determined look. They stared at each other for a moment before Sage suddenly leaned forward. Before he knew what was happening, she grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him in for a quick kiss. Almost as quickly as it began, Sage ended it by taking multiple steps back. She wore a guilty smile as she continued moving backwards, heading for the kitchen.

"Tease!" Kendall joked in a whisper after he regained his senses. Sage stuck her tongue out at him.

"You love it!" she whispered back with a wide smirk. He shot her a look that said he clearly couldn't argue. They both waved goodbye as she entered the kitchen.

Sage disappeared from view and Kendall forced himself into the living room with dragging feet. He sat on the sofa and stared straight ahead at the black screen of the television as if it would distract him from the fact that Sage and his mother were alone in a room without him. He decided it may work better if he turned the television _on_.

Kendall grabbed the remote with a sigh and quickly flipped to one of the sports channels. They were showing a rerun of a hockey game he'd already seen. So, he didn't even get excited when two of the players started fighting in the middle of the ice. The distraction wasn't working at all, and it only got harder when he could hear laughter in the kitchen.

Kendall immediately perked up. Laughing was a good sign. It meant that they were bonding, and if his mother liked Sage then she wouldn't disapprove when Kendall finally admitted she was his girlfriend. It didn't even matter that they may be laughing over some embarrassing story of his childhood. He would even grab his old baby book if it meant they would get along. No action seemed necessary, though, because he heard more soft laughter and voices from his mother and Sage.

He almost fell off of the couch when the crowd cheered on the television. Kendall had been deep in thought and wasn't paying attention. Somehow he managed to move most of the top half his body so it was leaning over the side of the furniture. He realized he had been trying, unsuccessfully, to peer down the hall and into the kitchen. After catching himself, right before hitting the floor, he heard Katie come down stairs.

"What are you doing?" his little sister asked with her arms crossed.

Kendall looked up from his position. His head was near the hard wood floor and he had one hand against it to hold himself up. His lower half was still thrown across the seat.

"I-I dropped something," he stuttered, trying to recover. He still didn't move from the awkward position as Katie continued.

"Oh really? What did you drop?" she spoke with a knowing smirk. Kendall had to think for a second. Earring? Contact? His ears weren't pierced and he had 20/20 vision.

"The remote," he replied uncertainly, almost as if it were a question.

"It's right next to you," Katie laughed as she walked around and picked it up from its spot next to Kendall on the couch. She sat beside him and started flipping through the channels.

"Whatever," Kendall sighed and pushed himself back into his seat before changing the subject. "Hey, I was watching that!" Katie continued looking through the channels, leaving the hockey game he didn't really care about behind.

"No you weren't. You were watching the floor," Katie told him in a know-it-all tone.

"Brat," Kendall joked, poking her ribcage.

"Jerk," she shot back with a wide smile as they fell into their usual banter. "Where's Sage?" she suddenly asked, looking around the room. "Did she realize how big of a loser you are and run?" she smiled and threw the remote down between them after finding nothing worth watching.

"Please, I'm amazing," Kendall rolled his eyes playfully and nudged Katie's legs with the toe of his sneaker. Katie smiled softly at him.

"You're totally head over heals aren't you?" she asked.

"So!" Kendall replied defensively while putting one leg on the couch, thinking Katie was trying to pick on him.

"It's good!" Katie reassured him with a sincere smile that let Kendall know she was being serious. "Sage is really cool, and you're dorkishly happy. I haven't seen you like this since I was about four and we were still in Minnesota with your friends Carlos, James, and Logan."

"You remember that?" Kendall asked in disbelief.

"Yeah, one of my earliest memories is the four of you having the time of your lives during a pillow fight in the living room. You broke a lamp, and Mom only let me have pancakes the next morning… The rest of you had to eat oatmeal," she answered with a giggle.

"You're right," Kendall admitted with a laugh. "I almost forgot about that…"

"I'm glad you found someone that makes you feel like you did before. I may be young, but I know Minnesota was home to you," Katie added softly.

"Sometimes I forget how mature you are, Baby Sister," Kendall spoke with a proud smile. Katie just rolled her eyes and smiled slightly at the compliment. More laughter came from the kitchen and Kendall immediately tensed up. His eyes and upper body started heading toward the hall again. He had forgotten Sage was in there with his mom.

"You have to calm down. You look nervous, and you're _**never**_ nervous," Katie said as she tugged his arm so that he wouldn't go over the side like earlier.

"I really _**need**_ this to work out," Kendall replied warily with a gesture towards the kitchen.

"It's going fine… and if something _**does**_ happen, then you'll just fix it like you always do," Katie responded nonchalantly as she picked the remote back up and started searching through the channels once again.

"You're right," Kendall decided with a smirk while watching the TV with his sister. He was confident that, no matter what, everything would be alright in the end because he would make sure he still had Sage.

* * *

Sage and Karen spoke casually in the kitchen as they prepared dinner. They mostly settled into small talk about general things and Kendall's childhood. Sage was finding it easy to get along with Kendall's mother just as it had been with Katie. She was sweet and Katie was sarcastic. It was a perfect mix of Sage's own temperament when she was allowed to be herself… In other words, when she was with Kendall and nowhere near Elliot.

"So, what do you do for a living, Mrs. Knight?" Sage asked as she sliced tomatoes and Kendall's mother shredded carrots.

"Please, Sweetie, call me Karen," she told her with a smile before answering. "I work as a secretary, which is also know as a slave," she joked and both of them laughed.

"I hope you at least like it a little," Sage spoke while piling some of the vegetable into a salad bowl.

"It's hard work, but I do like being in control and organized. It's what I'm good at I guess. Sometimes it's nice to have someone rely on me. Kendall's getting older and Katie's… well, she's Katie," Karen kept her smile as she shrugged and started tearing apart a head of lettuce.

"They need you more than you think," Sage reassured her with a smirk. "Don't tell him I told you, but Kendall totally admires you."

"Really?" Karen asked in shock with a wide smile.

"Of course! He said to me, 'she's a good mom.' That's a lot coming from a teenage boy," Sage joked while checking on the chicken in the oven.

"It's still really nice to hear," Karen spoke absent-mindedly with a soft smile. "It feels good to be reassured that I am doing something right. I feel bad for moving them around so much," she frowned.

"They seem to handle it well. They're both really strong," Sage assured her with a hand on her shoulder. Karen reminded her of her own mother. She was soft and sweet. Unlike her own mom, however, Karen had no reason to change. It made Sage happy to remind Karen she was doing the best she could as a mother.

"What about your parents? What do they do?" Karen asked with a full smile as she redirected the conversation.

"Well, my mom used to teach piano," Sage answered uneasily while she busied her hands by wiping down the counter.

"She doesn't anymore?" Karen inquired while pulling the chicken from the oven.

"No, she… she's dead," Sage answered quietly, seeing no reason to not be truthful. "She wasn't in a good place for the last couple of years and she took her own life."

"Sage, I'm so sorry to hear that," Karen frowned. Sage looked at her, but didn't stop cleaning the counter top. "You live with your father then?"

"Stepfather," Sage corrected her, struggling not to look angry or scared when thinking about him. "His name is Elliot. He's a police officer here in town."

"That's good… You must feel really safe at home," Karen continued smiling as she started putting together the remaining food for dinner.

"Yeah…" Sage only nodded, knowing home was the least safe place to be.

"I just have to set the table, and we'll be ready to eat," Karen told her as she left the room with the chicken and then came back quickly. "Could you please just toss the salad while I organize the dining room?"

"Of course," she assured her with a smile before Karen left again.

Unknown to her, Kendall had entered the kitchen and stood behind Sage. He just leaned against the fridge and watched her intently. Kendall had stayed with Katie as long as he could until she finally told him to go see Sage because she was tired of his fidgeting.

He moved forward with a smirk and stood behind her, wrapping his arms around her slim waist. She instantly leaned back into his touch and stopped what she was doing.

"I didn't even scare you a little, did I?" Kendall asked in a soft, playful tone as he kissed her neck and rested his chin on her shoulder.

"Nope. I knew you were there," she told him as she brought some of her attention back to tossing the salad.

"How?" Kendall whispered, squeezing her tightly against his chest as he watched her work from over her shoulder.

"I can always just feel you," she responded, taking one hand away to bring it down and rest on his arm.

They stood like that even after Sage was finished with the salad. Her back was fully pressed against his front and they held each other close. It was always uncomplicated and relaxing with one another, and, even though she had been there all evening, Kendall still felt like he missed her.

"I missed you," Sage spoke quietly, echoing his thoughts, as she closed her eyes and leaned her head back against his shoulder. He held her tighter and brushed his cheek against hers, closing his own eyes.

Karen came back into the room, but they didn't notice. She watched the two teenagers as they held one another like their life depended on it. They both wore soft smiles and Karen couldn't help but form one of her own. Her son looked completely at peace.

"Are we all set?" she spoke after giving them a few more seconds to enjoy themselves.

Both Kendall and Sage turned to look at her, still locked in their embrace. He couldn't explain his lack of shock. Maybe it was Sage's body close to his own that made him so calm, or maybe it was the sincere smile that his mother was throwing him. Kendall had always thought that he would rip his arms away like they were on fire if his mom saw him holding a girl, but this was Sage. He could never imagine tearing away from her. She must have felt the same as him, as usual, because she stayed completely relaxed in his arms.

"Sure, Mom," Kendall told her with a smile as he reluctantly and slowly pulled his arms away from Sage. Drawing it out made the irritation that came from being separated a little less dull.

* * *

Hours later, Kendall and Sage were in his car on the way to her house. The entire evening went well. Sage even found dinner fun; it was like they were a family. They all fell into an easy conversation and Karen seemed ecstatic that Sage could get Katie to talk about her day. Usually, the young girl would only give short, uninterested replies. They all played cards after dinner until it was time for Katie to go to bed and Karen suggested Kendall take Sage home.

"Today went really great!" Kendall exclaimed excitedly as he pulled the car onto her road. "They _**loved**_ you."

"I'm glad," Sage laughed at his excitement. "What were you expecting? For them to burn me at the stake?" she joked.

"Don't make fun…" Kendall smirked and pushed her shoulder. "I didn't know what to expect. I've never brought a girl home to my family," he explained as they pulled in front of her empty house. "Elliot's not home?"

"No, he works a lot of hours. He spends most nights at the station," Sage told him happily as they got out of the car and walked hand in hand to her front door.

"I don't like leaving you," Kendall spoke sadly as he pulled her close. She hugged him tightly.

"I know… but I'll see you tomorrow. You can start giving me guitar lessons and I'll show you some more piano," Sage reassured him. Kendall nodded and brought his lips down to kiss her forehead with his hand in her hair.

"I'll call you before I leave in the morning," he told her.

"You don't have my number," Sage laughed at the realization along with Kendall.

"I don't know my girlfriends number… This week keeps getting more and more weird," he shook his head as he took his cell phone from his pocket and Sage did the same, passing them to one another. They exchanged numbers quickly. "I guess I better head back so my mom doesn't send out a search party," Kendall joked, holding Sage against him once again.

"I'll see you later," she said while they leaned into one another. Their lips met in a soft kiss. Kendall pulled away reluctantly and squeezed her once before walking down the porch steps. He turned back to look at her when he reached his car.

"Dream about me!" he called out with a wide smile.

"If you're lucky!" she shot back with a smirk. They locked eyes for a few moments before both turned away slowly. Sage entered the dark, quiet house and he drove away to go back home.

* * *

Several hours later, it was well past midnight and Sage still couldn't sleep after the long and eventful day. Usually she slept almost peacefully on the nights Elliot didn't come home. However, even _his_ absence couldn't trump the absence of Kendall. The night before, she had slept the best she had since her mother's death. She and Kendall held each other close like they were the only two in the world, and now she was alone and cold despite warm summer air. Sage tried, unsuccessfully, to force herself asleep. She tossed and turned and wrapped her arms around herself, but nothing felt like the comfort and safety Kendall provided. She needed to at least hear his voice if she couldn't feel his body against hers.

"Should I call him?" Sage whispered to herself, turning her head on the pillow to look at her nightstand. Her cell phone lay beside her alarm clock. It was almost 3a.m. She felt guilty, thinking she may wake him up, but her hands moved on their own accord as she reached for the phone. Before she could even flip it open, it was ringing.

"_Ur Boyfriend_," the caller ID read. Sage smiled at the name Kendall must have put in her contacts when he punched in his number. She answered the call.

"Hello, Boyfriend. We better make this quick. I was just about to call Kendall," Sage spoke playfully, throwing herself down to lay on her back and stare at the ceiling.

"Oh, really? Tell me about this Kendall guy… " Kendall responded on the other end. She could just _hear_ his smirk.

"Well, he's really hot," she smiled, "but I'm having trouble sleeping because he's not here," she finished sadly.

"Me too," Kendall sighed heavily. "I miss you. I've just been rolling around trying to sleep, but nothing's working. So, I figured I'd call to hear your voice," he told her in a tone that she could hear a small smile in.

"I'm glad you did. Hearing you makes me feel better. Is it working for you?" she asked quietly, already feeling calm enough to sleep. She shut her eyes as she listened to Kendall.

"Yeah… really well," he told her in a soft voice similar to her own. She could tell he was almost gone.

"I'll see you soon… I love you," she spoke with a soft smile, her eyes still closed.

"I love you too," Kendall responded before they both peacefully drifted off to sleep.

* * *

**A/N: Yay! fluffy... BUT NOT FOR LONG! ;D Next Chapter: "BIG TIME REALITY CHECK" ;D**

**If you care and haven't checked it out yet, I also write SLASH one-shots: "For the Lovers of Kogan" and I've also posted my first installment of "For the Lovers of Jagan" :D**

**I get A LOT of good reception for those, while people are more quiet about this story... I think it's the nature of the fandom lol.. but please REVIEW or at least ALERT to let me know if you like this, or hate it (to each his own :D)**

**ANONYMOUS reviews are ENABLED. So, don't be shy! I won't bite ;D  
**


	7. Big Time Reality Check

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Here's Chapter 7! :D I hope all of you like it. Please, let me know what you think in a REVIEW :)**

**Thank you to all of those who have reviewed. I really appreciate every single one of them :D  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot**

**IMPORTANT: a few new, random characters are introduced in this chapter, but DON'T WORRY! They are just passersby :) I like to limit my OC's because this IS a Big Time Rush story (I'm so excited to get to the part when the boys come into this story :D)  
**

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 7: BIG TIME REALITY CHECK  
_

* * *

"Are you sure that you wanna be here? You could just stay at my house until I'm done. You might get bored…" Kendall warned Sage as they entered the building of the local ice rink.

"No, I want to see you play. How can watching you running around and exerting yourself get boring?" Sage joked as they stood in the lobby area. There weren't any people around yet, and Sage was grateful for the quiet as Kendall took her into his arms.

"You're right," he sighed and pecked her lips. "So, you'll be okay by yourself?" he asked in concern, but kept his smirk and raised a brow.

"I'll be fine. I'm just gonna sit in the bleachers and watch. You'll be able to see me the whole time," she reassured him by moving her hands up and down his back.

She wanted nothing more than to ask him to stay by her side, but she knew it was unrealistic. Kendall couldn't be around her every second. Even though she had grown accustom to dealing with being alone and isolated, it was difficult for Sage to maintain her comfort with it once she had experienced the way Kendall made her feel. When he was with her, she felt safe and relaxed. Being out in public made her remember her life before him.

It had now been three weeks since they met. The pair spent all of their time together when they weren't asleep. If they could be together at night, they would be. Sleep was always restless because they were alone. Their days consisted of mainly talking, music, movies, and family breakfast and dinners at Kendall's house. They hadn't gone out much at all. So, Sage tried to stay calm as other people started entering the building.

They were there today because Kendall had been in contact with the high school's hockey coach throughout the last week. With his previous record at other schools, there was no question as to why Coach Benson had already guaranteed Kendall a spot on the team. He had invited him here for a practice game with the rest of the team to see how they worked together before training for the season started.

"I should go," Kendall sighed as he took a reluctant step back, "The other guys are starting to flood in. I gotta make a good impression," he smiled wide and threw a friendly wave over Sage's shoulder at a few teammates that walked in. He recognized a couple of them from when he had been playing a game there the day he and Sage had met.

"Go change, and do some male bonding," Sage kissed him softly and smiled up at him. "Also, try not to end up in the hospital like last time."

"Hey! That hospital was _**very**_ good to me," Kendall bantered back, pulling her close for one last kiss.

"Contrary to what _**we've**_ been through, hospitals are usually where _**bad**_ things happen. So, let's not press our luck," Sage patted his cheek in jest before blowing him a kiss and walking toward the bleachers. Kendall chuckled and moved to the locker room with his duffle bag slung over his arm.

As Kendall entered the room, he could already hear a few of his future teammates talking as they changed. Kendall stayed out of sight when he heard the topic of their conversation.

"Hey guys! Guess who I saw heading for the stands right before I came in? Sage Henderson. I don't know why she decided to grace us with her presence, but I'm glad she did. She was looking hot… in her usual freakish sort of way," one guy spoke, causing peals of laughter throughout the room.

Kendall finally stepped into sight, deciding to remain calm even though he really wanted to hit the guy for talking that way about Sage. He glared at the tall brunette as he placed his bag down on the bench. The back of his jersey read 'Glickman'.

"Hey, Kendall Knight, right?" Glickman spoke to him first, causing the others in the room to look at him while he lifted his shirt over his head, "I'm Caleb Glickman. You were talking to Sage Henderson in the lobby, weren't you?"

"Yeah," Kendall replied simply, deciding that, if he didn't have anything nice to say, then he wasn't going to say anything at all. Caleb had obviously never learned this lesson because he continued with a smirk that Kendall wanted to punch right off of his face.

"I wouldn't even bother with that girl, man. She's pretty nice to look at, but, the one time I hit on her, she completely spazzed out on me," he laughed with his friends while Kendall finished getting changed. He tried his best to keep his mouth shut while Caleb kept talking, "I think someone needs to _**loosen her up**_," he said suggestively with a wiggle of his eyebrows while his friends egged him on.

Kendall slammed his locker shut harshly, effectively silencing the room. He took a deep breath and decided that, despite the anger boiling inside, he wasn't going to beat the shit out of Caleb. The guy probably didn't know any better, and he knew both Sage and his mother wouldn't appreciate him getting into a fist fight on the first day with his new team. Instead of flipping out, he spoke sternly as he gathered a few supplies from his bag.

"She's my girlfriend," his voice cut through the silent tension in the room. Everyone then turned to look at Caleb, including Kendall.

"Oh! Uh-uh… I'm sure she's…" Caleb blushed and stammered lamely as he busied himself with his own belongings. Kendall smirked, satisfied that he had at least embarrassed the boy.

"Don't pay any attention to Caleb. His favorite past time is listening to himself talk," a boy with short, light brown hair spoke as he sat down beside Kendall, who was lacing up his skates quietly. The guy gave him a soft, almost shy, smile that reminded him of Logan's demeanor when they were kids. Kendall couldn't help but smile back. "I'm Dustin Sanders," the boy added, reaching out his hand.

"Kendall Knight," Kendall said as he shook his hand.

"So, Sage is your girlfriend?" Dustin asked politely and Kendall nodded. "I thought you just moved here?" he chuckled. Kendall laughed along and shrugged.

"It just kinda happened. It's hard to explain…" Kendall spoke, getting a faraway look in his eyes as he thought about Sage while finishing up the laces on his skates.

"That's cool," Dustin assured him while checking to see if his own skates were secure. "I can tell by your smile that she must be great. I worked with her once in Biology. She was pretty quiet and skittish, but she was really nice to me, and we aced our project," he smiled as he ran a hand through his hair thoughtfully, "Everyone at school likes to get down on her because she doesn't talk to anyone. They all treat her like an outcast, but we don't really know her… I try not to judge," Dustin shrugged nonchalantly. Kendall liked his attitude. Unlike most of the others in the locker room, he was calm and generally friendly.

"She really is special," Kendall told him proudly as he leaned back casually on the bench, "I'm not sure how she is in school yet, but I'm guessing I see a whole different side of her. The girl you're describing sounds like a stranger," he added, shaking his head in disbelief.

"Maybe she's only herself with you… Maybe you're her exception," Dustin punched him on the arm playfully. The reminder of him being special to Sage made Kendall's heard skip a beat. He was already missing her.

"Are you seeing anyone?" Kendall asked in a friendly tone. He kept his fidgeting hands busy by tapping out a silent beat against the bench beneath him. He's spent the last few weeks trying to figure out how to make his body adjust comfortably when he wasn't with Sage. Nothing ever worked fully, but distracting himself and engaging in idle conversation with others seemed to help.

"Yup!" Dustin said excitedly. "Her name's Erin. She's everything to me. We grew up together, but she moved recently. Thankfully she only lives a few hours away. So, we can still see each other every weekend," he finished with a softer smile before suddenly reaching down to fish something out of his skate, "I always keep her picture on me when I play. It's my good luck charm," Dustin held out a small photo of him and a bubbly brunette embracing happily.

"She's cute," Kendall nodded sincerely. He made a mental note to get a picture of Sage to keep with him at all times. Maybe he wouldn't fidget so much if he could see her whenever he needed to. Dustin seemed happy enough with the arrangement of just visiting with Erin every weekend… but, then again, Dustin seemed normal.

"Alright boys! Time to hit the ice!" Coach Benson entered, causing the majority of the team to look up and cheer, "I'm sure all of you have already met Kendall. He's our newest recruit, and he's done some great stuff at his previous schools. So, let's make him feel welcome!" he yelled, getting the team pumped as Kendall gave a small wave to the rest of the guys. The team gathered, preparing to go out onto the ice.

"Good luck," Dustin whispered with a friendly smile, and they exited the locker room.

* * *

Sage sat far up against the wall, at the top of the bleachers as she watched the boys pile onto the ice. She smiled when she immediately spotted Kendall in the crowd. Sage had been tense since walking away from him in the lobby, but now it was like he had never left. Kendall smiled and waved up at her. She waved back right before he had to look away when his coach started giving orders. Other people started climbing onto the once empty bleachers, and Sage's uneasiness returned.

Pushing herself further against the wall, Sage tucked her legs beneath her body and clasped her hands tightly together on her lap. She tried to focus on Kendall gliding across the ice to take her mind off of the other bodies that sat a few feet away.

Ever since Elliot had started abusing her on a daily basis, it was hard for Sage to be around other people. Every time someone would brush past her, or touch her by accident, she had the instinct to scream and flinch away. So, she found it easier not to talk and stay away from everyone as much as she could. It was like dealing with post traumatic stress disorder, but there was nothing 'post' about it. That's why Kendall and his family were so special to her… When she was with them, any trace of fear left her body. Being back out in public reminded her of the real life she lived day to day only a few weeks before. It reminded her of a life without Kendall, and it made her sick to her stomach.

The few people who came onto the bleachers to watch the practice game all seemed to be fellow students of Ramsey High School. They were most likely the girlfriends and friends of the members of the team. Sage cringed when one girl in particular came into view.

Samantha Carson checked her perfectly curled brown hair in a small compact mirror as she lead two of her friends to the front row. They stopped and sat slightly to the left of Sage, all the way down at the bottom. She remained quiet at the top as the girls began to gossip. The team had split into two groups and was just starting a match. Kendall was playing center for his team. All eyes were on him as the coach blew the whistle.

"Hey, look! There's the new guy!" Samantha said in interest as her two friends looked on.

Kendall currently had the puck and moved across the ice as if he were flying. He looked like a professional. He weaved in between and around the opposing players, like they weren't even an issue, before he passed the puck off swiftly to his teammate who scored an easy goal. Kendall bumped fists with his teammate as they celebrated. Sage couldn't help but smile down at her boyfriend when he took the time to look up at her while he skated back to his position at the center of the ice. He threw her his best smile before focusing back on the game.

"He's pretty good! I heard from my brother that he may have a shot at being captain," Samantha's raven-haired friend spoke.

"He's hot," the red head to her left added with a devilish smile.

"He's mine," Samantha interjected with a smirk as she watched Kendall move skillfully along the ice once again.

Sage couldn't help the harsh intake of breath she experienced. She felt anger and jealousy pump through her veins. It was something she had never felt before. She was usually indifferent about anything that had to do with her peers. It wasn't hard not to feel protective and jealous over someone when you had _**no one,**_ but now she had Kendall, and she wasn't going to let him slip through her fingers.

Feeling determined, Sage moved her feet to the floor, ready the give Samantha a piece of her mind. Her shoes squeaked against the metal bleachers, and Samantha turned around to look at her. In that moment, any confidence Sage thought she had been feeling was wiped away like it had never existed at all. Samantha was looking _**right at her**_ with a malicious glare that could only remind her of Elliot. Now that she was under scrutiny, Sage suddenly remembered why she preferred to be invisible. She stayed in her seat when Samantha spoke to her.

"What are you doing here, Henderson? I didn't think you ever left the house," she spoke with a toothy smirk as her friends cackled on.

Sage froze. She was being spoken to, which she almost forgot was on a list of her worst fears. She thought about leaving, but Kendall was out there laughing on the ice with a teammate as he assisted in scoring another goal. Sage watched him for a moment to get the feeling in her body back.

After regaining her composure, she took a quick look at Samantha and her friends. They were still glaring at her, waiting for her to do something. Sage held her breath and threw her hood over her head for a false sense of security before standing and moving all the way down in the bleachers until there was a good twelve yards between herself and the others.

"Freak…" Samantha muttered loud enough for her to hear before she and her friends started talking to each other quietly. They were probably talking about her, but Sage didn't care as long as they weren't talking _**to**_ her.

Unfortunately, the whole exchange didn't seem to go unnoticed by Kendall. When she looked up, Sage saw him skating along the ice and not paying attention to the game. He was looking up at her with a confused frown. Obviously, he hadn't heard anything that was said because of the plexi glass that separated them, but he saw her get up and move. Sage reassured him with a soft smile and a slight wave. He smiled back, and she felt secure enough to slide the hood off of her head.

It was over an hour before Coach Benson told the guys they were finished. Right in the end, Kendall had scored the final goal after checking another player with the name "Glickman" on his jersey. Sage smirked because Kendall looked fully satisfied with himself as the team flooded back into the locker room to change again.

Sage waited as patiently as possible in the seat she had taken earlier. She had her hands shoved deep into her pockets as she anxiously waited for Kendall to emerge. The longing she always felt wasn't too bad when he was still in her line of sight, but when Kendall was gone she got antsy. She sighed in relief when he finally came out of the locker room and made a beeline directly for her.

Kendall smiled and quickened his pace, eager to have his girlfriend in his arms again. He threw his bags down on the ground, where the bleachers began, before continuing forward. Sage was already standing near the wall as he approached. Kendall was only a few yards away when he found his path suddenly blocked.

"Hi! It's Kendall, right? I'm Samantha Carson," the brunette girl stood in front of him with a hand on her hip and two girls at her sides.

"Hey, nice to meet you," Kendall smiled down at her politely before quickly trying to move past her. Samantha stopped him with a pushy hand on his chest. She smirked at him, causing Kendall to inwardly groan. She was trying to flirt with him, and, from the looks of her, she was probably used to having everything go her way. He was going to have to burst her bubble.

"You looked great out there," she continued speaking despite the fact that he hardly looked at her once. Kendall sighed heavily.

"Listen," he started by taking her hand and unceremoniously removing it from his body, "thank you for the compliment, but I really have to get going." Kendall moved past her without another word. As he closed the distance between him and Sage, he could feel the brunette glaring daggers into his back.

"Never mind, girls. He can't be that great if he's talking to _**her**_," Samantha spoke to her sidekicks with a snarl while Kendall immediately took Sage's hands into his own. She leaned into his touch when Samantha continued speaking. "Kendall, you're new around here. So, it's only fair to warn you: If you hang out with losers," she stopped to shoot Sage a nasty look that had Kendall instantly fuming, "then you won't really have a good reputation," Samantha finished with her arms crossed in front of her over exposed chest.

Kendall looked at Sage. She seemed completely distressed at the brunette bitch's words. He squeezed her hands tightly so she would look at him. He gave her a quick wink before he turned to Samantha with a full blown, almost friendly smile.

"Fuck you," he said it simply and sweetly, causing Samantha to gasp at his boldness.

Sage couldn't help but laugh at her horrified look and Kendall's expression of complete joy. It was only another second before Kendall pulled her close and kissed her passionately. Their lips separated in an instant so their tongues could meet in a playful battle for dominance that Kendall would always win. Sage smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck to deepen the lip lock while Kendall ran his hands along her lower back. They could hear Samantha and her friends' storm off in a huff as the kiss slowed. When they finally parted, Sage still kept her arms around him.

"School's gonna be way better with you around," she joked between breaths.

"Bet on it… Come skate with me!" Kendall exclaimed with excitement, causing Sage to laugh.

"I don't have skates," she shook her head from side to side, a smile still on her face.

"I packed Mom's old pair," Kendall responded with a satisfied grin as he broke away from Sage to run over to his abandoned bag. He dug out two pairs of skates and sat down on the bleachers, motioning for Sage to sit beside him.

"You planned this," Sage stated and chuckled lightly as she took the skates from him and started to put them on while he did the same.

"Hey, I'm an organized guy: 'Always be prepared' and all that jazz," Kendall joked, standing up in his skates and holding a hand out for his girlfriend, who took it instantly and followed him onto the ice. The pair made their way to the center of the rink hand in hand.

"You know, Kendall Knight, you looked pretty sexy out here playing today…" Sage smirked playfully and gave his hand a flirtatious squeeze.

"Oh, really?" Kendall bantered back with a brilliant smile and a raised brow as he skillfully circled twice around her with his hands glued to her waist.

"Thanks for sticking up for me back there," the girl's smile turned soft and sincere, referring to Samantha, as she wrapped her arms around Kendall's neck while he slid them backwards across the ice.

"I'm always going to look out for you," Kendall kissed her forehead before continuing, "…but I had no idea you were such a social deviant," he teased, running his hands along her back.

"But I'm _**your**_ social deviant," Sage leaned up to kiss his cheek, making him smile.

"Even the guys in the locker room had something to say about you being here…" Kendall couldn't fight off the scowl that appeared on his face.

"Do I want to know?" Sage sighed and bit her lip at his reaction.

"I took care of it…" Kendall assured her with a nonchalant shrug and the reappearance of his smile.

"My hero," Sage laughed and rolled her eyes.

"Damn straight," the boy chuckled and kissed her lips gently, lingering for a moment, and then pulled back.

"So, now that you've seen what everyone in town thinks of me… Why would you still love me?" Sage whispered her last words. She had never questioned their feelings for each other before, but being back in the real world made her remember who she was.

She didn't sound sad, but Kendall felt almost sick at the complete disbelief that was in her voice and laced onto her usually serene features. It was as if she couldn't wrap her head around the idea of him loving her unconditionally when it felt like the simplest thing in the world to him. Sometimes, Kendall tried to figure out the whole crazy three weeks in his head, but even his own mind couldn't make sense of itself.

Loving Sage just came about with no real provocation… like breathing or blinking: It just _**happened**_… and he wasn't going to question the feeling because he _**needed**_ it.

"First of all, please don't put yourself down like that. It makes me sad…" Kendall asked of her with a serious frown and begging eyes to make his point clear. Her gentle smile let him know that she heard him loud and clear, and he continued with a playful smirk, "… and, second of all, I have _**lots**_ of reasons to love you."

"Such as…?" Sage asked with a grin as she turned in Kendall's arms to press her back into his chest while he continued guiding them smoothly along the ice in the empty rink. Kendall smiled as he spoke, loving when they got into these types of conversations… conversations that meant something… meant the world to him.

"When you smile, I can't help but smile too. So, we're never bored…" Kendall whispered into her ear and laced their hands together at her waist, "… I can sit with you in complete silence and feel like nothing needs to be said… I love you because you can read my mind. You always know what I'm thinking with just one look… Why do you love me?" he asked, turning the question back on her as they always did for each other. They would always remain equals.

Sage could hear the flirtation in his voice before she turned once again to look him in the eye.

"Because you're strong. You make me feel safe and free… Your confidence is contagious… When I touch you, I feel like anything is possible; even making Samantha Carson go away," she finished with a small laugh that he returned.

"I like this too," he gestured between their two bodies, "I like that we can play and be serious. We're smiling and flirting one second, and then we turn serious and I can be completely honest with you. There's no reason to be afraid…" Kendall smiled fondly at her, brushing a strand of blonde hair from her face.

Sage's heart flinched at his truthful words. She felt completely guilty because everything was perfect except for her honesty with him. It always came down to one thing… the one thing that dominated her life and thoughts three weeks earlier. Elliot was _**always**_ the problem…

Sage leaned into his warm caress and decided that she would tell him everything when the time was right. She wanted to wait for the perfect moment, and now was not it. Kendall was looking at her with complete adoration and contentment, and she knew, despite her thoughts about her stepfather, her features were mirroring his own. Kendall always made everything better. He could make a meteor plummeting towards Earth seem like the best thing that's ever happened.

As the couple met in a loving kiss, Sage promised herself she'd tell him…

_When the time is right…_

* * *

"You're late!" Katie sighed heavily as she climbed into the backseat of Kendall's car.

"Sorry…" Sage and Kendall apologized nervously as they drove away from Katie's day camp.

"We got a little caught up…" Sage offered with a small grin in Kendall's direction as they laced their hands together between their seats.

"So, what's the deal with you two?" Katie asked abruptly and curiously, sitting forward in her spot to be closer to the couple.

"What do you mean?" the blonde girl asked with a quick glance at the brunette.

"Are you two dating or what?" Katie questioned further, eager to get an answer. Sage had spent every day at the Knight house for the three weeks they've known her, and she fit in perfectly, but Kendall and Sage would never flat out admit anything. It was starting to drive the youngest Knight insane. Katie preferred to know everything that was happening around her. It was the only way to keep the upper hand.

"Yeah, she's my girlfriend. Is that okay?" Kendall responded defensively, keeping his eyes on the road.

"Fine by me!" Katie smiled and shrugged her shoulders as she at back in her seat, satisfied with getting a definitive answer.

"Good, because I love her," Kendall added sweetly, leaning to the side to kiss Sage when he reached a stop sign.

"I'm gonna get a cavity if you two don't knock it off," Katie whined halfheartedly, crossing her thin arms over her chest.

"I love you too," Sage spoke to her boyfriend, ignoring Katie's protest.

"Don't tell Mom!" Kendall suddenly interjected, turning to look at his little sister with wide eyes before driving forward.

"It's not like she doesn't already know. You guys are so obvious," Katie laughed to her self.

"Are not!" Sage defended but still smiled.

"Are so… You're _**always**_ touching. It's like you share the same personal space," the young girl insisted, gesturing to their clasped hands.

"Whatever…" Kendall stuck his tongue out at her when he stopped at a traffic light.

"How was camp today?" Sage asked, changing the subject.

"It was alright… This kid kept trying to pick a fight with me…" Katie answered with an indifferent shrug.

"He probably likes you," Sage told her with a big smile.

"You think so?" Katie seemed interested.

"I don't wanna hear this!" Kendall exclaimed and reached forward to blast the radio as loud as it would go. Sage immediately turned it back down.

"Oh shush… Is he cute?" Sage continued, ignoring Kendall's protest about hearing his sister talk about boys.

"I don't know! I'm ten! He only lost his cooties last year…" Katie insisted, throwing her hands up in exasperation.

"Fine…" Sage sighed dramatically and slumped into her seat with a smirk, knowing the small brunette would speak eventually.

"Well, he's not ugly…" the girl mumbled.

"I knew it!" Sage laughed and turned around in her seat with excitement.

"Stop encouraging her!" Kendall swatted his girlfriend playfully, laughing along as they pulled into the driveway.

Kendall may complain in jest, but he secretly loved that Katie had found a sister in Sage; giving her someone to talk to and trust that wasn't his mother. The three of them entered his house with warm greetings from Karen. Soon, they would sit down for dinner all together and spend the mild, August evening lounging around. His mother would read, Katie would play her video games, and Sage and Kendall would work on their instrument lessons with each other. In the past weeks, they had settled into their new home and welcomed Sage with open arms every day. They were becoming a real family unit…

* * *

Late in the night, Kendall and Sage followed their usual routine. He drove her home at the same time every night, but this time was different from all the others. Elliot's car was in the driveway… Sage's stepfather came outside as the two teenagers climbed out of the car and stepped onto the lawn.

"You're late… You missed dinner…" Elliot spoke with tight words at Sage when he stood beside them. They had no plans for dinner. They never did. Sage knew something bad was going to happen…

"I'm sorry. I lost track of time…" Kendall watched as the girl made an excuse. Her eyes lost their spark, and her voice lost every ounce of its power. Kendall felt uneasy to say the least.

"It was my fault…" Kendall jumped in to take the blame even though Sage had never mentioned even needing to be home, "… It won't happen again."

"I bet…" Elliot responded smugly, looking to his stepdaughter with a glare before turning to Kendall with a fake smile, "… Why don't you head home now? Your mother's probably waiting, right?" Elliot insisted with a raised brow, his muscular arms crossing in front of his large body.

"Well, probably, but-" Kendall started but Elliot had cut him off.

"Okay. Sage will call you whenever she can," Elliot spoke sternly and turned to walk toward the house but paused when he realized Sage wasn't following him like he had expected her to, "You coming, Sweetie?" Elliot used the term of endearment and laced it with enough venom to make Kendall's heart sink with a feeling he couldn't understand.

"Y-Yeah… Bye Kendall…" Sage gave her boyfriend a small smile and a short wave but he knew her well enough to realize something wasn't right. Her shoulders were tense and her eyes were moving from his to the ground in rapid movements. Sage was hiding, but Kendall was having trouble figuring out why because she had never done it before. Why would she be fake with him?

"Bye. I love you…" Kendall smiled sweetly despite his anxiousness, hoping to raise her spirits. He could see the real her shine through the moment she heard him speak. She gave him a genuine smile, making his own body relax.

"I love you too-"

"_**Sage**_!" Elliot's voice cut through their connection as he called from the bottom of the porch steps.

Sage was gone again… Her eyes were down. Her smile faded almost instantly, and her shoulders were tense and rigid. She waved at Kendall once before stepping back a few times and turning away completely.

Kendall hesitated for a moment, watching Sage move toward Elliot, and then jumped into his car. He eased away from the curb slowly, feeling more reluctant than ever to leave. He drove down the road at a snail's pace, still feeling uneasy. Something was wrong, and he was struggling to figure it out.

Without thinking, Kendall moved his eyes to the review mirror even though he was sure there was nothing to see. However, he could see Elliot with his hand firmly planted on Sage's arm. She looked uncomfortable but wasn't really pulling away as Elliot spoke to her.

Kendall panicked… He didn't like the sudden feeling in his chest.

"He's just talking to her… Maybe he's just scolding her for being late…" Kendall spoke aloud to himself as he tore his eyes away and back toward the road. He gripped the steering wheel tightly and drove forward for a few more minutes, "… Mind your own business…"

Kendall stopped at an intersection and stared at the black asphalt that lay before him. The light was green, but he wasn't moving. His chest was tight and he couldn't shake it…

Something's wrong…

_Something's wrong…_

_**Something's wrong…**_

"Fuck it… Sage _**is**_ my business," Kendall gave in to the feeling with a fierce determination and did an illegal turn through the empty intersection, heading back to Sage's house.

When he arrived, Elliot and Sage weren't on the lawn anymore. He jumped out of the car. As he approached the house, he could hear yelling… and then a crash. Kendall sprinted across the grass. When he reached the bottom of the stairs, the front door flew open.

Sage was standing there breathing heavily. Her shirt sleeve was torn and a nasty red mark marred her face.

She and Kendall stared at each other. Shock… Fear… Anger… They all ran through him so fast. Sage looked scared and broken. He just wanted to put her back together, but it felt like his feet were glued to the ground beneath him. His mind was racing, yet not working at all. He was trying to process everything… _What's happening?_

Sage finally spoke, her panic and surprise evident as she whispered.

"_Kendall…_"

* * *

**A/N: Sorry for the cliffhanger! :D This is JUST THE BEGINNING... There's so much more to go! :)**

**In the next chapter: See the first confrontation between Kendall and Elliot...**

**ANONYMOUS REVIEWS ARE ENABLED :D Please Review and let me know how you liked this :)**

**In the meantime, if you're into SLASH, check out my other stories: "For the Lovers of Kogan" and "For the Lovers of Jagan" for some fun :D  
**


	8. Big Time Truth

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Here's Chapter 8! :D I hope all of you like it. Please, let me know what you think in a REVIEW :)**

**Thank you to all of those who have reviewed. I really appreciate every single one of them :D  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot**

**IMPORTANT: Please go read the amazing **_surfergal23_** 's A Turn for the Worse for an AWESOME and angsty Kendall/OC. :)**

**And, if your into fun/dramatic/awesome CarlosXOC stories check out harvestmoonrox :)  
**

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 8: BIG TIME TRUTH  
_

* * *

"Kendall…" Sage whispered sadly.

Elliot suddenly appeared behind her. He paid no attention to the teenager on his lawn and grabbed his stepdaughter by the back of her hair, yanking her to the floor with a single brutal tug. Sage's body crashed down at Elliot's feet. The brunette man looked up to watch Kendall angrily run up the steps.

"Oh, look! We have company!" Elliot smiled with a frightening cheerfulness as he lifted Sage off of the ground. He secured her forearms tight enough to leave bruises and held her hostage against him. "Hold it right there, Lover Boy!" he spat a warning as he squeezed and jostled Sage, causing her to scream. Kendall froze in the doorway.

"Let her go! What the fuck are you doing?" Kendall yelled angrily, forcing himself to keep a distance while Elliot still had Sage.

"I should ask you the same thing! You moved into town and messed everything up! You made Sage lose sight of what's important: her _**family**_…" Elliot scowled at Kendall and shook Sage.

"Give her to me!" Kendall wasn't begging. He was ordering. He was fuming and inching closer to the pair with his arms outstretched. Elliot rolled his eyes at the boy and leaned in to whisper to Sage menacingly, knowing Kendall could hear him loud and clear.

"I'm gonna give you a little reprieve tonight… I'm tired of looking at you… Unless you _**want**_ Kendall to stay, and we can show him what family-time is like…?" Elliot smirked sinfully.

"No!" Sage found her voice with wide eyes, only making Elliot chuckle darkly.

"That's what I thought…" Elliot growled and pushed her toward her boyfriend roughly.

She stumbled, but Kendall caught her and immediately tugged her body into his protectively, glaring at Elliot. He wanted to kill him, but he couldn't let Sage go… he never wanted to again…

"Have a good night!" Elliot waved dramatically and laughed as he sauntered off into the kitchen like he had done nothing wrong. Kendall turned his attention to the girl in his arms, forgetting about the lunatic in the other room.

"Are you hurt?" Kendall had to ask even though he already knew the answer. Sage was completely tense, breathing hard, and digging her nails into his arm.

"Kendall…let's go," she suddenly sprang to life, pulling him frantically toward the door. Kendall let her take him outside, but he was confused by her actions.

"We have to call the police," the boy insisted as they fumbled down the steps. Sage still hadn't really looked at him.

"He _**is**_ the police…" Sage's voice remained monotone as they reached the car. She finally turned to meet his stare. "We just have to leave before he changes his mind… We're lucky he let us go. He could have hurt you," she finished sadly, tears slipping from her eyes and falling over her quickly bruising cheek.

"He _**did**_ hurt _**you**_!" Kendall raised his voice in frustration. She didn't seem to care that the son of a bitch who was supposed to be her father figure had hit her without a second thought.

"It doesn't matter…" Sage mumbled and shook her head.

"It matters to me!" he fought to hold back his tears. He was so sad and angry, and it was all happening so fast.

"Kendall…" Sage took a few calming breaths and placed both of her hands onto his chest, rubbing them up and down soothingly for both her comfort and his, "…if you love me, you'll get into that car, and we'll leave right now," she begged him softly.

He finally let himself cry as he pulled her toward him with an angry, depressed gesture and kissed her solidly on the forehead while running her blonde hair through his fingers.

"I'm taking you home, and you're never coming back here," he ground out between his teeth as he opened the passenger door for her. He slammed it shut louder than necessary and ran to the driver's side. Sage spoke when he started the car.

"We'll talk about it when we get there…" she tried to dismiss his resolution. She knew that she would have to go back to Elliot eventually.

"Sage…" Kendall looked at her with worried exasperation.

"Kendall, please… I'm okay now that you're here. It could have been a lot worse…" she trailed off sadly, seeming to get lost in her own mind.

"What do you need?" Kendall would do anything to make her pain go away. He reached out and grazed his fingertips over the bruise on her face in disbelief, not convinced that this could all really be happening.

"Just hold my hand," she cried and whispered like a broken girl.

He took her hand securely into his own, where it belonged, and held it the whole ride home.

* * *

Kendall and Sage hadn't said a single word to each other during the drive or as they moved stealthily up the staircase and into his room. Katie was fast asleep, but the light from Karen's bedroom flooded from the bottom of the door, creating a harsh, bright line across the dark floor of the hallway. The two teenagers shuffled into Kendall's room. They looked at each other for a moment. Just as Sage was about to break the silence there was knock at the door. The blonde girl stared at her boyfriend with wide eyes and then snapped into action, shutting herself inside of his closet.

"Come in," Kendall called out just above a whisper. His body had gone completely rigid, and his eyes were locked on his closet door.

"Did you get Sage home okay?" Karen walked in with a warm smile.

"Y-yeah," his voice cracked slightly at the lie. Sage was _**not**_ okay.

"What's wrong?" Karen immediately sensed the change in her son's attitude. He had lost his cheery demeanor, "…You seem upset. Were you crying? Did you and Sage have a fight?"

"Absolutely not!" Kendall raised his voice. He was agitated and defensive. He still wanted to beat the shit out of Elliot until the man's heart stopped beating… and he just wanted to hold Sage. Kendall's body wasn't just aching and tingling like usual. It was burning like hell. It was as if there was poison running a marathon through his veins. It was so debilitating… he felt utterly helpless and out of control.

"Okay…" his mother responded uneasily at his tone.

"Sorry, Mom," he recovered with a false smile that physically hurt his face. "I'm…I'm just tired…"

"Alright…" Karen was still hesitant but decided to drop the subject, "I'll let you go to bed then. Sweet dreams!"

Kendall only managed to respond with a slight nod before his mother made her exit. He knew that he would most likely have nightmares, and he'd be lucky if he didn't dream at all.

Even after Karen left, he stood completely still, waiting to hear her door shut at the other end of the hall. As soon as he heard the gentle click of the knob, he rushed over to his closet and ripped the door open.

Kendall's heart broke even more than he thought possible at the sight he was met with. He thought it had completely shattered the second Sage had hit the floor by Elliot's hand, but now she was standing there half cloaked in darkness. She was finally crying with strangled breaths and hot tears running down her abused face. She let out a shaky sob and bit her lip before running and launching herself into Kendall's arms. She jumped to wrap her legs around his waist and buried her head into his neck. Sage had never _**needed**_ him more.

Kendall backed up and sat on his bed with her wrapped in his embrace. He let her cry, his own tears falling as he rubbed her back soothingly. He used his arms to pull them against the headboard so that Sage sat fully in his lap with her hands clutching onto him. Kendall finally let his muscles relax against the bed. This was as good as it was going to get for the time being. He had Sage captured tightly in his arms… She was safe… for now….

"I'm so sorry," Sage pulled away to look at him. Her tears had slowed down along with her breathing and heart rate, but her fingers were still digging into his shirt.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Kendall assured her, shaking his head from left to right as he reached up to wipe the tears from her face. He took extra care around her injured cheek. Sage sighed heavily and kissed his wrist when it brushed near her lips. She sat back a little further, her hands finally unclenching as they rested smoothly against his sides.

"I got you involved. I was so fucking stupid to think that I could keep you and him separate. I should have pushed you away, but I was selfish, and now you're in danger… I took your hand and lead you straight into hell…" Sage insisted sadly, angry with herself for hurting the only one she loves.

"You didn't have a choice, Sage… No matter what you did, I wouldn't have given up on you… You know I'm stubborn," Kendall finished with a small smile that he was elated to see Sage return.

Kendall studied her face for several moments, taking in every feature as if he had never seen her before… as if he would never see her again… He moved his fingers down her jaw, brushing against her perfectly shaped lips, and then brought them just below her glassy dark green eyes before reaching up to push her blonde hair behind her ear. He leaned forward to place a gentle, loving kiss to the bruise on her face, giving her assurance of his comfort and acceptance.

"_**Please**_, Sage… Tell me everything…" he begged as he took her hands into his own and she settled back between his legs.

"I don't really know where to begin… I've never explained it to anyone before…" she looked away, diverting her vision to the sheets below them.

"Just start from the beginning… Does Elli- does _**he**_ do this often? When he's drunk or high or something?" Kendall inquired with earnest, hoping there was some form of explanation even if it was a weak one.

"No, he was just being Elliot… and, yes, he hits me almost every time I see him…" Sage found it was becoming easier to speak the truth than she thought it would be. Kendall was radiating warmth and support, giving her the courage she had lacked in the past three weeks. She was regretting not telling him from the beginning; sad that it had come to this; sitting weak and broken in the middle of the night in his bed. She never wanted him to witness what she had to endure, but now he was in it fully, and, if she was being honest with herself, she felt happy that she was no longer alone.

"He's always like that?" Kendall asked in anger and disbelief, hating the man more and more by the second and internally wishing him dead.

"It all started when my mother met him years ago. He was the perfect gentleman, the perfect cop, the perfect provider. He was just so _**perfect**_. But it's all a lie. Elliot puts on a brilliant show for the outside world, but his mask comes off as soon as he steps through the threshold. At first, he never hit me. He abused my mom everyday though. That's why she was so depressed, but then she found a way out…"

Sage trailed off to take a deep breath, and Kendall encouraged her with a gentle squeeze to her hands.

"After she killed herself, it was just me and him. So, he needed a new punching bag. He didn't even wait too long after her funeral before he was pretending that she had never even existed."

"He hits you for no reason?" Kendall asked quietly, already knowing the answer.

"He hits me because he _**can**_. There's nothing I can do about it. I've just learned to deal with it. I do my best to minimize injuries by doing everything he says, and I try to stay out of his way. Luckily, his job only has him home about two days a week…" she tried to look at the bright side, knowing that this was all new to Kendall. She had taken years to get used to it.

Kendall groaned in frustration and anger, his hatred for Elliot becoming almost stronger than anything he's ever felt.

"Haven't you ever tried to get help?" he questioned in confusion, wondering how no one in this town could have never noticed Elliot's awful actions.

"I did…once. It didn't go too well…" she sighed and rolled her eyes in exasperation, "… Elliot has a way of manipulating and twisting every little thing in the world until it suits his needs. He can make the whole town believe whatever he wants them to. The kids at the rink today think I'm a freak because of my past. They know that my mom committed suicide… and they know I'm different. They think I'm crazy…" Sage trailed off nervously.

"Why the hell would they think that?" Kendall asked angrily, struggling to keep his voice down and wishing he had hit Caleb Glickman in the locker room when he had the chance.

"When Elliot first started hitting me, I went to the counselor in my freshman year. I told her everything and showed her the bruises on my body… I thought that she believed me. She told me that everything was going to be okay and then she left the room. The next thing I knew, Elliot was there with an ambulance. It turned out, the counselor had called him and he immediately spun an elaborate story of my 'suicidal tendencies' and how I would 'throw myself down the stairs' for attention. He had everyone believing that I had become unstable after my mother's death…" Sage shuddered as she remembered the day clearly.

"What happened next?" Kendall needed to hear it despite the fact that he knew he wasn't going to like it.

"I had a breakdown in front of the entire school because no one would believe me. I kept screaming the truth, but no one was listening. They had to drag me out of the building and sedate me. Elliot had me involuntarily committed for suicide watch and a mental assessment… I struggled and struggled, and after 72 hours in the psych ward, I learned to keep my mouth shut and to just stop fighting… I couldn't stand being locked up…" she finished with a small cringe at the memory of the sterile room, barred windows, and locked doors.

"This is all so fucked up," Kendall muttered angrily, running his hands over his face in disbelief.

"I understand…" Sage whispered.

"What?" Kendall asked confused, taking a hold of her hands once again.

"I understand if you want to break up with me… This is too much for you to deal with, Kendall…" she insisted, her tears falling silently.

"Let _**me**_ decide what I can and can't handle. So far, you haven't said anything to scare me off… I only want to keep you closer than ever," Kendall smiled softly, assuring her with gentle kisses to her hands.

"I love you, Kendall Knight," Sage smiled fully for the first time that evening and returned to her previous position in his lap to hug him tightly.

"I love you too… _No matter what_," Kendall whispered into her ear, allowing his hands to roam along her body. Sage suddenly flinched when he touched her left side. She tried to relax again in the hope that he hadn't noticed, but Kendall would be more observant than ever from now on… "What is it? Are you hurt?"

He pulled her away by her upper arms. Sage nodded slowly and hissed in pain as she lifted the fabric of her shirt up to her chest. Her torso was covered with a ghastly dark bruise.

"Oh my god…" Kendall fought back the urge to cry again. He had seen and received so many injuries in hockey. He knew what kind of force was needed for such marks, and he was distressed to think of his girl experiencing it. Elliot hadn't just hit her. He _**beat**_ her.

"He kicked me…" she mumbled weakly, still feeling ashamed of everything that had happened.

"Come on," Kendall collected himself and pulled both of them off of the bed and into his bathroom.

He flipped the light switch, causing both of them to squint as the fluorescent bulb illuminated the room. They had been sitting only in the moonlight before then. Kendall grabbed Sage silently by the hips and lifted her up to sit on the counter. He kissed her softly.

"Stay here. I'm going to get you some ice," he kissed her one last time, pausing in the doorway to take in the sight of her before he left as if he thought she would disappear the second he was gone. He thought the separation was bad before, but it was a million times worse now that he had something to actually worry about.

Kendall ran downstairs as quietly as he could, grabbed an ice pack from the freezer, and then hurried back up to happily see Sage right where he had left her. He approached with the ice and gave her a 'hello' kiss. Kendall lifted the hem of her shirt, with Sage's assistance, and held it up with one hand and pressed the ice against her skin with the other.

"Here…" Sage spoke softly and pulled away to lift the torn shirt fully over her head and threw it onto the floor.

Kendall forced himself not to stare at her for too long. She wore a black bra that complimented the bruising on her skin. In the bright lighting, he could see several small scars along different parts of her arms and torso. He knew that they were most likely caused by Elliot, but even with all of the evidence of abuse marring her skin, she was still the most perfect, beautiful thing he had ever seen.

"I bet this isn't how you imagined the first time seeing me topless," Sage joked half heartedly with a sly smile.

"Shut up…" Kendall murmured with a grin as he used his free hand to hold one of hers. "You do look pretty hot though…" he added with a confident smirk.

"Take yours off… Fair is fair…" she smiled playfully and wrapped her fingers in the fabric of his shirt before lifting it over his head. Now they stood equal, just the way they preferred it. Sage's eyes shamelessly took in the sight of his defined muscles.

"You're staring," Kendall teased with a playful poke to the side of her torso that wasn't injured.

"So are you," she insisted with a light laugh. He chuckled back and stepped forward to stand between her legs. He embraced her delicately as she placed a soft kiss to his heart.

The pair were always intimate like this, but it was the first time with the lesser amount of clothing. Sexual tension constantly flowed between them, but they never felt pressured to do anything. They knew it would happen when the time was right. For now, they would just enjoy their quiet moment together.

Kendall went rigid in Sage's arms as a sudden, terrible thought hit him.

"What's wrong?" she asked with concern, pulling away and reaching up to brush the bangs away from his eyes.

"Has Elliot… Has he - " Kendall paused to take a deep breath, his grip on Sage tightening as he bit his lip. "Has he ever…" the blonde boy shivered in fear at his unfinished thought. Had Elliot raped her? Kendall couldn't stand the idea of that sick bastard stealing Sage's innocence. They hadn't made it there yet, but they knew it was inevitable… Their first time was meant for each other…

Sage took a moment to watch Kendall's nervous expression as he looked down at their connected bodies. She sucked in a breath when she realized what he was trying to ask.

"No… No, he hasn't done that… He just likes to control me," Sage tried to explain her stepfather's odd, possessive behavior that even she had never come to fully understand. Kendall sighed in relief and pulled her back into him, kissing the top of her head.

"Are you ready to go to sleep? It's been a long day…" he suggested, biting back a frown at the memories of the evening.

"Absolutely," she sighed against his chest. He pulled her off of the counter, leaving the ice pack in the sink as they moved back into his room.

"Here. You can sleep in this…" Kendall pulled one of his old hockey jerseys out of his dresser and handed it to her, "…I don't have pants that will fit you…" he bit his lip as he trailed off nervously.

"I don't mind if you don't," Sage laughed and kissed his cheek.

"Yeah, I _**totally**_ object," Kendall rolled his eyes with sarcasm dripping from every word. He stepped into the privacy of the bathroom to change while Sage pulled the jersey over her head and kicked off her shoes. She slid out of her jeans and left them on the floor. She sat down on Kendall's bed just as he reappeared. He had left off his shirt and only wore a pair of sweat pants. He smiled as he plopped down onto the bed and dragged her down with him. She instantly leaned into his embrace as he pulled the covers up and over them.

The couple snuggled together perfectly with legs intertwined and arms around one another. Sage rested her head over his heart and traced circles along his abdomen. They were in a similar position to the one they engaged in on the first night they met and laid together by the lake at 'their spot'.

"What will we do in the morning?" Sage asked with her eyes shut, wondering how they would deal with Karen and Katie.

"We'll sneak you out of here through the window, and you'll show up to breakfast like you always do. Mom shouldn't suspect anything because you're here everyday anyway. You just have to come back in the window at night after you supposedly 'leave'…" Kendall explained like he had already thought it all through.

"Kendall, I don't think - " Sage opened her eyes to protest his plan. It didn't seem safe for the Knight family for her to be there.

"No arguing… You're safe here, where you belong, with _**me**_. I'm not letting you out of my sight," Kendall declared with a strong determination that Sage couldn't fight.

"He'll come to take me back eventually…" Sage sighed softly and lay back down against his chest where everything felt better.

"We'll deal with it when it happens… _**together**_," Kendall kissed her head and ran his fingers through her hair. "Just promise me: no more secrets…"

"I promise," Sage agreed immediately.

The pain in her body felt like nothing when compared with the relief she experienced after having full disclosure with Kendall. She hugged him tightly in her thin arms, never able to get enough. He returned the gesture with just as much longing.

"Thank you," she whispered into his smooth skin.

"What for?" he questioned quietly, his hands roaming up and down her shoulder.

"For loving me…" Sage spoke softly and kissed his chest as Kendall smiled.

"It's the easiest thing in the world."

* * *

The next morning, Sage dressed in one of Kendall's old sweatshirts, having thrown out her other torn shirt. It was smaller and basic black, making it seem like it could be her own. She climbed down the roof carefully, with Kendall's assistance, as she used the small shed against the house to make her way to the ground. She waited a few minutes before stepping up to the front door and knocking loudly, swinging it open without a response, just as they expected her to.

"Good morning, Sage!" she could immediately hear Katie and Karen call out to her from the kitchen. Sage plastered a smile on her face and entered the room.

"Hey, everyone!" she spoke cheerfully, throwing Kendall a knowing smile to where he sat beside his sister at the counter. Sage moved behind the pair, playfully ruffling Katie's brown locks along the way. Kendall jumped out of his seat and took her hand into his own, giving it a gentle squeeze before walking over to grab a plate from the cabinet.

"Sage, sweetie, what happened to your face?" Karen asked with a motherly concern when she took in the girl's appearance. Normally, Sage would have covered up the mark, but she didn't have any of her supplies.

"Oh… I was clumsy, and I fell," she explained quickly.

Suddenly a crash echoed throughout the room.

Kendall had let the plate he was holding slip between his fingers when his body went stiff. He couldn't stand to hear her lie about her bruise. It scared him how real Sage was able to make the excuse sound. He remembered he had easily believed that she 'tripped' the day they met, and that was the reason for her being in the hospital. Now he knew it was a lie… It was always Elliot…

Sage frowned and rushed to help pick up the pieces of the shattered plate before Karen could worry too much.

"Are you alright, Kendall?" his mother asked sweetly, grabbing a broom and dust pan from the nearby closet.

"I- I'm fine… I guess we're both just clumsy…" he trailed off sadly, looking into Sage's emerald eyes.

They both knelt on the floor as he reached forward to gather the larger pieces of the broken dish. He froze for a moment when he saw Sage had pulled her sleeves up. The bruises on her forearms had gotten darker over night. He could clearly see Elliot's hand prints where he had held her firmly the day before.

Kendall reached out and slowly brushed his fingertips against the marks in a depressed amazement. When he had woken up this morning, he hoped it was all just a nightmare, but one look at Sage and he knew the truth. She glanced down at her arm and widened her eyes. She quickly tugged her sleeves down to her knuckles and made a tight fist.

"Breakfast is ready," Karen's bright voice cut into the tension, and Sage and Kendall went back to pretending that nothing was wrong.

The small pseudo-family ate breakfast, as they always did, with idle and cheery conversation. Nothing seemed different to Karen, but the observant Katie knew something was off.

"What's wrong with you two?" the young brunette asked the couple once her mother had made her exit. Kendall and Sage had seemed tense the entire meal, even though they did their best to conceal it. They sat pressed together and unashamedly held hands on top of the table in front of Karen, who didn't seem to mind, but it was definitely out of the ordinary for the pair.

"Nothing's wrong," Sage insisted with a smile and a dismissive wave of her hand. Katie looked unconvinced.

"Baby sister," the anticipated lie was physically hurting Kendall, but he kept his composure, "everything is fine. I promise."

Katie sighed heavily, shaking her head as she stood up from the table. She was going to drop the subject for now, but she was determined to find out the truth.

"I feel so bad about lying to them…" Sage whispered, holding back her tears while Kendall rubbed her back.

"It's what's best right now… Everything will be okay…" he assured her, leaning forward to kiss her lovingly. They took comfort in one another's embrace.

Sage and Kendall knew they needed each other to get past the sorrow… but they also knew that they weren't even close to half way there.

* * *

**AND THEY AREN'T! ;D Trust me, this story is FAR from over :) I've got so much more angst planned it's not even funny. Elliot's too crazy to stop...Plus, we haven't seen the awesome introduction of the boys yet (how do you guys think they'll make their appearance?)  
**

**And THANK YOU guys for reviewing! Especially my NEW REVIEWERS (*waves excitedly*) I love when new people and ANONYMOUS reviewers crawl out of the woodwork to say hello! The reviews seriously made my week EPIC ;)**

**PLEASE REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this :) ANONYMOUS reviews are enabled... So, if your just browsing here or checking in every once in a while, SAY HELLO :D**

**IMPORTANT!: IF you haven't alerted this, and just come on to search for it every once in a while it will be rated MATURE next week, so adjust your searches accordingly ;)  
**


	9. Big Time First Time

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Here's Chapter 9! :D I hope all of you like it. Please, let me know what you think in a REVIEW :)**

**WARNING:  This story is now _MATURE_. There are very graphic and sexual themes :) It's obvious when it begins so scroll down to the bottom if you don't like reading it.  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot**

**Song Suggestion: For Kendall/Sage's first love scene I HIGHLY recommend "Tonight I Love You" by The Latency. There's a link (on my profile)  
**

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 9: BIG TIME FIRST TIME_

* * *

"Ring!" Kendall glared at the large speaker above his locker and begged it to signal the end of the day.

He had ducked out of study hall early, when the teacher's back was turned, so he could make sure he was right where Sage needed him at the end of class. They had most classes together, but he took a free period as his last class while his girlfriend took Advanced Calculus, and there was no way in hell Kendall was getting into that.

He now stood in the empty corridor right beside Sage's classroom. He could see her all the way in the back row, diligently working on her assignment with no one in the desks around her. Kendall smiled as he watched her bite the end of her pen in concentration before grinning and jotting something down furiously, her blonde hair falling over her freshly healed face…

It had been a whole month since he had taken her away from Elliot… A whole month of healing and smiles, but also an underlying apprehension and fear. The pair felt terrible about lying to Katie and Karen, but it seemed absolutely necessary for everyone's safety and sanity. If Karen found out the truth, she may want Kendall to stay away from his girlfriend, and Sage wouldn't argue with that even if Kendall begged because she respected Mrs. Knight too much.

Elliot had been keeping his distance. He didn't contact or search for her once within the entire 30 days. He was lying low, most likely because there was a new pawn in his game now that Kendall was involved. Elliot knew that he had to step back and let things cool off for a while.

After their first night together in Kendall's room, they woke up the next morning and drove to Sage's house when they knew Elliot would be gone. She needed to get some of her things. As Kendall stood in the Henderson house for the first time, he felt uncomfortable to say the least. He hadn't liked how lifeless it seemed. Her room especially got to him. It was bare and cold and so unlike Sage in every way imaginable. The atmosphere made him want to get her out of there as soon as possible.

Kendall had cleared out a drawer and closet space for her, and the couple quickly and gratefully settled into _**their**_ room. It was easier than they thought for Sage to secretly live with the Knights. Luckily, Karen was the type of mother to respect privacy, especially since Kendall had never given her anything to worry about before. He was the perfect son: responsible, kind, and a good role model for Katie. His mother always knocked and left his laundry outside of his door if Kendall hadn't taken care of it himself, which usually wasn't a problem.

With the addition of her clothes, Sage and Kendall had been washing their own laundry in the past weeks. Days where they would go grocery shopping or spend hours in the local Laundromat just singing and goofing around were their favorite. Simple things such as these made them feel like they had been together forever; part of a working machine… part of a family. It made their future seem ideal with dreams of a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a dog named Skip. It seemed crazy to be this way at the young age of sixteen, but their circumstances were unique, and if you found a love so strong, would you deny it?

All of it made Kendall feel absolutely domestic, and he'd never thought he would enjoy it. He liked being needed and loved… He liked experiencing life's simple joys with Sage by his side. It didn't matter if they were eating dinner or doing homework, as long as they were together, smiling, and safe.

The past month with Kendall had made Sage feel almost _**normal**_. It was almost like everything was right in the world… like everything she had gone through with Elliot was a nightmare or some sort of twisted cosmic test that she had passed, and now she got to live with her reward. For four weeks, she has gotten to live with the guy she loves. Just the daily pleasures, such as brushing their teeth side by side or kissing each other goodnight, are enough to make her heart flutter. She has never felt more content and happy…

However, there are certain times when Kendall and Sage will look at each other and engage in a silent conversation; unspoken words of reassurance, hope, and comfort. This usually occurs after what they consider a trigger: something that reminds them of Elliot. A police siren or someone with a similar appearance that can make Sage shake in fear… It reminds them of what lurks in the shadows threatening to take their joy away. It's in these moments that the loving couple let the anxiety and fear creep in…

They've been living a perfect, happy life for a month; just enough time to make them comfortable, but not enough to make them feel secure in what they have. What if it all gets taken away? These moments of doubt and fear leave them wondering when it's all going to come crashing down.

The bell finally rang and Kendall waited anxiously next to the door as the hall flooded with hyper teenagers. Sage always stayed back, until everyone was out of the room, so she wouldn't risk being stuck in the crowd. She finally stepped nervously out of the room, relaxing and smiling as soon as she saw Kendall.

"Hey," he spoke softly as she became the only person in the world. They leaned in for a gentle kiss before mutually pulling away. Sage adjusted her bag on her shoulder so that he could wrap his arm around her back and pull her into him as they walked.

"How did you do on your Algebra test?" she asked with hopeful eyes, knowing he had gotten it back earlier that afternoon. She was praying that some of her tutoring had gotten through to him.

"Ugh!" Kendall only groaned playfully as a response.

"It can't be that bad…" she chuckled while he reached into his pocket. He pulled out a folded up packet and proceeded to flatten it out to show her a grade of 58 written in red ink. "Oh…" Sage sighed and bit her lip while Kendall shot her a smirk and an I-told-you-so look. "Well, you were damn close to a 'D' that time," she offered encouragingly.

"_**Yeah**_," he laughed at her optimism as they moved through the main corridor of the school. "Who gives a test in the first two weeks of school anyway?" he asked in annoyance.

"It's to 'assess your knowledge'… At least that's what the syllabus says…" Sage laughed lightly.

"I'll give them something to _**assess**_…" he grinned menacingly and started to crush the failed test against his stomach with his free hand.

"Stop it!" Sage raised her voice, but couldn't stop laughing at his annoyance. "We'll go over it later," she assured him with a kiss to the cheek as she took the test from him and threw it into her bag.

"Okay, my little genius," Kendall whispered playfully and leaned down to kiss her temple as they walked. "I swear, you remind me so much of the guys," he added after a few moments of thinking about the only friends he had ever had.

"How so?" she asked curiously, obviously humored. They had spent a lot of time reminiscing about Minnesota and she was always interested in hearing Kendall talk about his friends. He would always get a smile on his face like no other.

"You're a smarty pants like Logan, musically gifted and good looking like James, and you're crazy like Carlos," he explained proudly.

"Hey, we're _**both**_ nuts," she interjected happily.

"Agreed," Kendall sighed dramatically as they neared the exit. He was sure to weave them carefully through the many bodies of rambunctious teenagers and several faculty members.

In the past few weeks, Kendall had not only learned about Elliot, but he had also fully experienced what their peers thought of Sage and why. She is completely terrified of the crowds of students; all of them being strangers and possible threats in her abused mind. If anyone got near her, she flinched, and if someone actually touched her… Well, let's just say it was a good thing that Kendall was always close by to pull her away before anyone saw the tears fall from her eyes… Despite all of this, he was thrilled to find that he could make her relax. He made her feel safe as long as he was by her side, which is the exact place he always wanted to be anyway.

They go through the normal school routine, no different from all of Kendall's other schools, but this one is better… Neither of them are alone. They have each other. High school is usually exhausting. It is full of fake smiles and anxiety about classes, friends, and life in general. Kendall and Sage were lucky to have one another; their relationship being one of the few truly genuine things within the brick building. No matter what happened, no matter what terrible math test Kendall endured or who Sage walked by, it was all okay once they reunited.

Their relationship hadn't gone unnoticed by the students. After his hockey game with the team a month before, Kendall's name and rumors of his skill spread over the teenagers of the small town like wild fire on a dry patch of land. So, when this potentially popular boy walked in on his first day of school with Sage Henderson, the town outcast, on his arm, they could have sworn they heard a collective gasp followed by the occasional snicker. But, as their first week ended, so did the extra attention.

In fact, most students avoided them altogether. It was the way that the couple looked at each other with complete love and contentment. It was difficult for peers to connect with them because they were so deeply wrapped up in each other. It was an odd site that had mixed results. When Sage and Kendall walked through the halls with their arms around one another, whispering soft words with brilliant smiles at inside jokes, it brought out jealously in some and complete awe in most. Some people wanted it, some didn't understand it, and others seemed to be uncomfortable witnessing it; as if every interaction between the two of them was an intimate exchange that people felt they were intruding upon.

Kendall hadn't even attempted to make any friends besides his hockey team and a few random kids that he only saw in class. All of his time was spent with Sage or counting the seconds until he would see her again. Also, the blonde boy felt a slight jolt of resentment for every student around him, knowing that Sage had been there not too long ago begging for help and everyone just sat back, watched her life spiral out of control, passed judgment, and labeled her as the crazy 'freak'.

Sage and Kendall finally left the congested school and stepped out onto the sidewalk. They walked as if they shared one body as they moved toward the center of town to head home. They weren't driving to school because Kendall had gotten his car privileges taken away for a few weeks when Karen finally got his hospital bill in the mail.

It was a beautiful afternoon. The sun was just a bit lower in the sky, and a cool breeze blew between all of the small shops and local stores, signaling the approaching autumn season. Small children and families filled the streets and sidewalks, creating a picturesque scene that seemed like it belonged on a post card. It was _too_ surreal to be real. There's always a story behind every picture. Everyone has their dark secrets…

Kendall and Sage fell into a comfortable silence as they moved through town, Kendall taking his job of protecting her very seriously. He kept her close to him and toward the road so that no one passing by could touch her. They were both smiling softly, but they knew that they weren't going to fully relax until they were home.

The couple walked in a familiar position, which they had developed in their time together, that made both of them feel more comfortable in public. His arm was wrapped around her shoulders with her head leaning into his chest. Her arm was laced around his waist and her other hand was raised up to constantly hold his.

"So, what do you want for dinner tonight? Mom said it was your turn-" Kendall froze because Sage had stopped walking, forcing him to stay where he was. "Sage, what's wrong?"

She was staring straight ahead with a look that he had only ever seen when -

"No…" Kendall sighed sadly, letting it slowly build to anger as he turned his gaze to where his girlfriend was looking. About ten yards ahead, Elliot was climbing out of his squad car and heading right for them.

"Kendall, we should leave…" Sage begged in a soft whisper as she kept her eyes glued to her stepfather.

"Okay, let's-"

"Hey, sweetie!" Elliot yelled loudly with a fake smile, making a big show of greeting them and a few other bystanders that littered the sidewalks. He closed the distance between them with long strides before the two could even make a move. "Are you having fun with your _**boyfriend**_?" he asked with a now menacing smile as he stood right in front of the couple.

Kendall immediately stepped forward so that he was blocking Sage, who was gripping his arm for dear life as if she thought he would disappear. She kept herself slightly to the side so that she could see Elliot. Sage was afraid for herself, but she feared for Kendall's safety even more. She knew what Elliot was capable of...

"Are you doing good, Sage? You're looking _**healthy**_," Elliot chuckled darkly, obviously wanting to change the situation, his hands already clenched at his sides.

"What do you want?" Kendall asked with a tight jaw, growing impatient with the man's mind games.

When Elliot responded, he spoke directly to Sage, ignoring the blonde boy's existence and glaring right at his stepdaughter as if he could break her with his eyes.

"I've let you have your fun and games, playing house with your boy toy… I think I've been rather lenient. It's time for you to cut the teenage bitch bullshit and come home," Elliot growled, keeping his voice low and a small smile on his face for the benefit of others around them. He was treating Sage like a petulant teenager; like she was the one in the wrong. He thought and hoped that Kendall was nothing more than an insignificant phase.

Kendall wanted to hit him and scream in his face, but control was key. If Elliot kept it, then he needed to also. There were dozens of innocent people around them, and Elliot was dangerous. He fought not to look at the gun holstered at the man's waist.

"She _**is**_ home," Kendall assured him with a determined glare and stance.

"I don't think I was talking to you, Knight," Elliot addressed him directly for one of the first times. He spoke in a completely menacing tone, his forced smile fading all together. He is showing him even more hatred than he gives his stepdaughter. Kendall is a threat… a threat to the life he's been building.

"Just back off, Elliot. Leave her the fuck alone. It's over. You can't have her back. Sage is staying where she belongs and where she is loved," Kendall kept his voice as calm as he could manage, taking one of Sage's trembling hands into his own.

"I love her… I'm the _**only**_ one who does," Elliot folded his arms across his wide chest.

"You sure have a fucked up way of showing it," Kendall laughed bitterly, biting the inside of his cheek and fighting the urge to punch him.

"You don't know the first thing about me, kid. Just ask your _**girlfriend**_," he brought his attention back to the frightened blonde who was watching him with apprehension. "She'll tell you that I'm just _**full **_of surprises… I'm pretty good at getting what I want," he smirked sinfully at his stepdaughter, causing her to suck in a harsh breath.

"Well, then you better get used to failure, asshole…" Kendall spat with hatred before turning to the girl in his arms and softening his demeanor instantly. "…Come on, Sage. It's alright. I've got you. We're leaving…" he whispered to her sweetly, kissing her forehead much to the displeasure of Elliot. The man just gave them a twisted smile as he allowed Kendall to walk the two of them away.

"I'll see you around, Sage. _**Count on it**_…" he whispered just loud enough for the couple to hear. He watched as their shoulders tensed at his words before Kendall lead Sage out of his sight.

* * *

__Sage and Kendall tried to pretend that everything was okay, but they were unusually quiet and jumpy at dinner. Karen seemed to be unaware, or she was letting them believe that she was, and Katie was getting more and more suspicious with each passing day ever since breakfast a month before.

The couple kept waiting for a knock at the door or the telephone to ring. Something, _anything_, that would ruin what they have. They clung to each other even more than usual, worried that they wouldn't see each other again. Elliot's vague threats rang in their ears repeatedly.

They didn't follow their usual routine of music lessons and homework. Instead, they sat on the sofa cuddled together and watched a movie that they didn't even pay attention to. They only focused on each other's soft breaths. Sage savored every brush of Kendall's fingertips through her hair and over her shoulders while Kendall tried to memorize every inch of her. He studied the way her chest rose and fell with every breath and the way her face looked completely devoid of bruises. His hands roamed over her freshly healed ribs, hoping the ritual they formed would keep luck on their side and the injuries away…

Every night before bed, Kendall would kiss her bruised ribs, then her bruised cheek, and then her lips; giving her comfort, healing, and acceptance. It was a silent promise to always be there. He is always going to help her no matter how bad it gets… He's never going to leave, and he'll always kiss all the tears away.

At night, after Sage climbed into his window, they brushed their teeth in complete silence. They wore their usual clothes. She had taken to sleeping in only her underwear and one of Kendall's shirts while Kendall only wore sweatpants, wanting to feel her against him as much as possible.

As they lay in bed, he rested on is back with Sage in his arms. He held her tighter than normal, rubbing constant circles into her side with a strong hand. It was a full moon that night and the room was brightly illuminated in a blue hue, allowing them to see each other clearly.

Kendall spoke first, breaking the silence. They would always be honest with each other just as they promised one another a month ago.

"I'm scared," he whispered and frowned as he squeezed Sage's forearm.

"Me too," she sighed heavily and placed a gentle kiss to his shoulder.

"I don't want you to leave… You _**can't**_ leave," he begged with a weak determination, unsure if he would really be able to keep everything under his control. Sage raised herself up and moved so that she was face to face with him.

"Even if I have to go back, it will be okay… I can handle it," she tried to stay optimistic, unable to fully break down; unwilling to give up now that she had something to hold onto.

"You shouldn't have to!" Kendall whispered hoarsely, struggling to keep his anger and volume to a minimum because Katie and Karen were fast asleep just down the hall.

"The worse he can do is hit me… Been there, done that," Sage joked softly, happy to see Kendall roll his eyes and give her a small smile.

They had grown comfortable with openly talking about Sage's abuse. Over the past month, she had shared all of her stories with him. Every punch and kick that Elliot had ever delivered to her was revisited with Kendall. It served as a form of therapy. They would lay in bed at night, and she would show him her scars and tell him the story behind it. He would kiss the blemish, pushing the horrific memory away…

"I don't know what I'd do without you here. I like having you in my bed…" to anyone else, it would have sounded like Kendall was flirting, but he spoke with complete sincerity as he rubbed his girlfriend's shoulder while biting his bottom lip with worry. He needed her with him. He needed to be able to see her and to take care of her.

"I like it too… It's the only place we can be completely alone. No one else can see us… We don't have to pretend…" Sage smiled slightly and ran a hand through his shaggy hair.

"What if Elliot makes good on his promise? What if this is our last night together?" Kendall whispered as he leaned into her touch and placed his own hand on her hip while he turned on his side to face her, and she inched closer.

"Then we have to make it count…"

Sage and Kendall mutually leaned in for a slow kiss. Their lips pressed together softly until their desperation grew. Kendall ran his tongue along Sage's bottom lip, and she immediately let him in with a soft moan. His tongue battled with hers playfully and slid along the roof of her mouth while his hand roamed up and down her bare thigh. He let his fingers graze and grope the pale, warm skin; always stopping just as he reached underneath the fabric of her shirt that fell a quarter of the way up her thigh.

"Keep going…" Sage panted as they pulled apart for air, and she grasped the hair at the nape of his neck tightly.

"You're sure?" Kendall smirked and raised an eyebrow as he continued massaging her leg.

"Absolutely," she smiled gently and moved forward to capture his lips again, their tongues instantly meeting this time.

It's now… Now is when they will finally come together. They've waited for the perfect time without pressuring each other, and they can feel it… This is it…

Kendall kissed her deeply as he ran his hand higher than before. His fingers slipped under the light fabric and grazed her hip before pushing lightly to make her lay on her back. He scooted as close as he could get without being on top of her as they continued their kiss. The blonde boy kept moving his hand all along her thighs, never breaking contact once. He brought his fingers to the inside of her slightly parted legs, brushing them along her skin just beneath the hem of her underwear before pulling away only to repeat the process.

"_**Kendall**_," Sage whimpered and pulled her mouth away, and he started to kiss along her jaw.

"Tell me what you want, baby…" Kendall whispered huskily and playfully as he nipped and sucked along her neck. Sage smiled softly at his lips' caresses against her sensitive skin.

"Touch me…" she whispered and bit down on her bottom lip.

Kendall immediately complied and brought his hand up to touch her center, eliciting a stifled moan from his lover. He rubbed her roughly with a confident hand. There was no hesitation, and they're completely open with each other. There's no fear because they know the _**real**_ things they should be afraid of, and making love is not one of them.

He picked up his speed, swallowing all of Sage's moans with his lips as he worked her through her underwear. He could feel how much she wanted him because of the thin, damp fabric.

"You're so fucking wet for me…" Kendall groaned, unable to hold himself back in any way.

"_Mhm_…" Sage hummed softly and wiggled her hips slightly as Kendall added more pressure, rubbing her most sensitive skin roughly with the fabric creating extra friction.

Kendall loved all the stifled sounds she made just because of his hands, thinking of how much fun it could be if they were alone in the house and able to be loud, but this was perfect no matter what. It was the right time. He kissed along her neck, licking at her collar bone and tasting every inch of her warm skin. He stopped at her pulse point and bit down gently; sucking until a nice bruise had formed, eliciting an encouraging whimper and a buck of the hips from Sage. Kendall pulled back to lap his tongue soothingly against the abused flesh. Now she had a mark that she actually wanted. It was physical evidence that she belonged to him and that he would always belong to her.

Desperate for more, Kendall pulled his hand away from Sage's center, causing her to sigh at the loss. He kissed her gently and locked his green eyes onto hers as he ran his hand higher up under her shirt, grazing her firm abdomen and letting his fingertips brush lightly against her bare breasts before pulling the clothing over her head.

The sight of her almost fully naked made Kendall harder than he thought possible, hungrily attaching his lips to her own as he massaged one of her breasts in his hand. She leaned into his touch, and they both began breathing hard. Kendall abandoned her chest and slid his hand downward once again. This time, he slipped his fingers beneath her cotton panties and stroked her directly.

"_**Oh god,**__ Kendall_…" Sage whispered harshly and thrust into his touch. His fingers slid between her slick folds to rub her clit as he watched her writhe beside him.

Sage's mind fogged over with lust, but she was focused enough to feel Kendall's arousal pressing firmly into her thigh. His throbbing member was not restricted much through the loose fabric of his sweat pants, and she could almost feel him fully, making her body hotter. Sage bit her lip with a devilish smirk as she shifted her leg up and down to deliberately grind into his cock. Kendall jerked hungrily into the sudden motion, returning her smirk after he regained his focus. They both loved how crazy they could make each other…

"Take 'em off," Sage spoke seductively as he continued to move in shallow thrusts against her thigh and rubbed her core rapidly.

Kendall smiled and pecked her lips once before pulling his hand away to tug down her underwear, slipping them slowly down her smooth legs before tossing them to the floor. He kicked the blankets out of the way, knowing they would only obstruct the view of his girl. Sage grinned as she leaned into him and they kissed with fervor. Her tongue pressed against his as she let her own hands roam his body. She slid her palm down and over his defined abs, dipping her fingers into the deep v-shape of his hip bones before gripping at the waistline of his pants. With his help, they pulled them down and away, leaving them both completely naked.

Sage and Kendall took in the sight of each other unashamedly, only able to think: _**finally**_. They never even realized how bad they had wanted this. They were only ever concerned with taking their time and had never worried about it; knowing they would be together when the time was right. Now, they wouldn't be shy. They'd be animalistic and instinctual like they had done it all before… At least, as if they were meant to.

Sage reached forward and wrapped her small hand around his fully erect dick. Kendall growled almost instantly and thrust into her fist. He kissed her deeply and happily as she stroked him from base to tip, smearing the pre-cum at his head with her thumb.

"I need you inside of me," Sage panted against his mouth and gave an extra slow and firm stroke to his aching cock.

"Get on your back," Kendall groaned and struggled to keep his mind focused. Sage could always make him lose control with her lips and hands.

His girlfriend rested back against the mattress and spread her legs apart, inviting Kendall with every shimmer in her eyes and each rise and fall of her exposed chest. He smiled warmly and sat up to kneel between her thighs. He smoothed his hands up and down the heated skin and bit the inside of his cheek in apprehension.

"I don't wanna hurt you…" he admitted, fighting back a frown. Sage sighed and smiled sadly, her heart only beating faster at his love and concern.

"Come here," she whispered and held her arms out for him. He grinned slightly and brought his upper body down so that he was fully parallel to her, using his forearms to hold himself up. His arousal rubbed against her entrance in the new position, making them both gasp, but Kendall was still hesitant to enter her. He didn't want to hurt Sage in any way; not after everything she had been through…

Everything about her appeared sweet, delicate, and fragile. Elliot seemed to acknowledge and prey on that, reminding her of it with every bruise… but, with Kendall, she felt above humanity. She felt safe… She felt immortal. Nothing could go wrong.

"You're never going to hurt me. We're invincible together… So, treat me like I'm unbreakable," Sage assured him with full confidence, letting him know there was nothing to worry about.

Kendall smiled and leaned forward to kiss her sweetly. He slid his hand down over her breast, grazing a nipple before continuing down her abdomen. His palm moved smoothly over her skin to rest on her thigh. He squeezed it gently and lifted it up to feel her wrapped around him. He pulled his mouth away to look down where they met and positioned himself at her virgin entrance.

"I love you, Sage…" he whispered with complete sincerity that made both of their breaths hitch. She reached up to lace her fingers into his hair and brace herself.

"I love you too," she smiled warmly and pulled him down for another slow kiss.

Kendall cautiously pressed forward into his lover's tight, slick heat. He was only about halfway in when he hesitated. He knew Sage was uncomfortable. He could feel her body tense beneath him, but she rubbed a hand up and down his back and tugged his hair with gentle encouragement as their tongues moved together in a slow rhythm. It was all the reassurance Kendall needed. He knew Sage, and he knew she wanted him just as he wanted her…

Kendall pressed forward with enthusiasm, accepting the fact that he would hurt her, but he knew it would all be okay. He entered Sage fully, and she hissed slightly, digging her nails into his biceps at the intrusion and sharp pain… but pain from Kendall wasn't really pain at all; not when he was whispering soothing words into her ear and placing gentle kisses everywhere he could reach.

"You can move…" she whispered after the sting began to subside and lifted her hips off of the bed, giving them both some much needed friction.

Kendall pulled almost all the way out, and then slammed his cock back in with a moderate force. Sage let out a tight lipped moan and Kendall bit his tongue to stifle a loud groan. His member was surrounded by complete heat and constriction. It was like the way they feel when they simply hold each other, only it was amplified a million times. The sensations ran through their entire bodies. They had never thought it could get any better…

"_**Shit**_… We're gonna be doing this a lot, aren't we?" Sage giggled breathlessly as she met him in every vigorous thrust, both of them bucking hungrily into each other.

"_**Fuck**_, I hope so," Kendall chuckled quietly and bent to kiss her neck.

They knew this would happen from the second that they met in the hospital. In that first moment they touched, the electricity shot through every nerve in their body, and they became addicted to the sweet pain and the complete rush. Since the first time they slept in each other's arms by the lake, they knew it was what they wanted every night.

It was a full moon tonight, just as it had been that night almost two months ago… They've come full circle, and they would make the revolution over and over; repeating the soft words of love, the gentle caresses, and the searing kisses that would always result in them uniting as one…

Sage whimpered as Kendall picked up his speed, pounding his cock into her tight heat over and over, causing them both to shiver at every thrust. They were both nearing the edge. Kendall's thrusts became erratic, and Sage wrapped her legs around his waist and clawed at his back, both of them knowing and loving that he would have light scratch marks in the morning.

"You're so fuckin' beautiful… I love you…" Kendall gasped out between breaths as he buried his face into her neck, planting an occasional wet kiss to her pale skin.

"_Ngh_… I love you too…" Sage shut her eyes tightly and pulled him closer to her. Their upper bodies were fully connected while their lower halves writhed furiously.

The heat kept building until it reached its peak. Kendall thrust into her slow and hard. Sage felt the warmth pool in her stomach, and an overwhelming sensation washed over her. She bit down onto Kendall's shoulder to stifle her scream as she came hard, her walls constricting around Kendall repeatedly. Kendall growled and took her hand into his own as he pressed his mouth into her hair in an attempt to be quiet as he came deep inside of Sage.

Their hips rocked together slowly as they rode out their intense orgasms. Kendall rolled to the side to collapse onto the bed, but brought Sage with him, unwilling to pull out of her warm core just yet. She lay on top of him, her legs straddling his waist as she pressed her forehead into his chest.

"Are you good?" Kendall asked with an airy smile, his body still rising and falling harshly from exhaustion. She looked up at him and returned his smile.

"Oh, I'm definitely good…" she whispered and laughed lightly, both of them feeling euphoric from their release.

Kendall grinned and kissed the beautiful blonde in his arms before reluctantly tearing himself away. He grabbed her hips with gentle hands and pulled her up and off of him, both of them sighing at the loss, but reminding themselves that they would be together like that many more times. Sage lay beside Kendall with one leg still around him, and he pulled the blanket off of the floor and covered them up, fighting off the chill of their rapidly cooling bodies. Kendall cuddled against her, kissing her hair lightly as they both drifted toward a peaceful slumber.

"Sweet dreams…"

* * *

It wasn't even morning when Sage and Kendall jolted awake. It was still a good two hours before sunrise, but the doorbell was ringing repeatedly. Kendall sat up in bed quickly and pulled Sage tightly against him. They stared at each other, their earlier joy now replaced by fear as a loud knock sounded downstairs from the front door and blue and red lights danced across the room from outside.

"Police! Open up!"

* * *

**A/N: Did you guys like it? I really like how it came out, and if you REVIEW and let me know what you thought, there's a lot more where this came from ;D**

**I recommend listening to that song I suggested at the top and rereading the sex scene. I think it fits it very well :)**

**Until next week: Check out my other slash stories if you are into that or take a look at **_surfergal23_** 's A Turn for the Worse for an angsty Kendall/OC. It keeps getting better and better! :D**

**Please REVIEW! Anonymous reviews are enabled (Hi, Anonymous reviewer- "fangirl" :D!)**


	10. Big Time Return

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Here's Chapter 10! :D I hope all of you like it. Please, let me know what you think in a REVIEW :)**

**WARNING:  This story is now _MATURE_.  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot.**

**Song Suggestion: For Kendall/Sage's first love scene in the last chapter, I HIGHLY recommend "Tonight I Love You" by The Latency. Here's a link (on my profile)  
**

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 10: BIG TIME RETURN_

* * *

Kendall and Sage sat in bed completely naked and frozen as the doorbell continued to ring repeatedly and the police struck the door loudly.

"Stay here," Kendall instructed his girlfriend with what they both knew was false confidence and control. They were both frightened beyond belief, but the strong boy forced himself to stay calm for Sage.

He kissed her lips once and then her forehead, petting her hair in a lame attempt to soothe their trembling bodies before he jumped out of bed. Kendall grabbed his pants from the floor and pulled them on as he took a random shirt from his drawer and threw it over his head. When he turned back around, Sage was exactly where he had left her with her knees pulled up to her chest and the sheets draped lightly over her bare body.

Kendall's breath caught in his throat at the sight. She looked so beautifully broken in the soft glow of the moonlight… and he _**never**_ wanted to see her like that again.

"I love you," he whispered sadly as he stopped before leaving her line of sight and entering the hallway. Sage seemed to just realize where she was when she heard his voice. She had been looking at him but hadn't really been seeing him. Her mind had drifted toward the nightmares she had tried to abandon weeks ago.

Sage smiled weakly when she truly looked at him, and was about to speak, but they both grew tense as all sounds of the front door ceased. With one final look at his girlfriend, Kendall ran out into the hallway and stopped just before reaching the top of the stairs. He peered down and could see Katie and his mother at the threshold speaking with a police officer that, at least, wasn't Elliot. For a moment, Kendall held on to the hope that they may not have been there to take away his love. Maybe they were just investigating a -

"I'm Officer Scott Taylor. We're looking for a runaway, and we have reason to believe that Sage Henderson is here," the cop spoke politely but sternly, destroying all of Kendall's high hopes.

"What are you talking about? She's here every day, but she doesn't _**live**_ here. It's the middle of the night," Karen sounded utterly confused, refusing to believe what the officer had to say. Kendall stayed in the shadows upstairs as they continued.

"Mrs. Knight, please, just send Sage out. My partner, Elliot, wants his daughter back. They had a misunderstanding, and she left home," Officer Taylor spoke with sympathy… sympathy for Elliot.

"I don't - " Karen started, but her son interjected.

"You can't fucking have her!" Kendall yelled as he rushed down the stairs.

Maybe he should have stayed hidden and waited it out, but he couldn't control himself anymore… not when the cop downstairs was speaking as if Elliot was the victim and threatening to ruin everything. Kendall had been holding himself together for a month, but it was only because he had Sage. Now, this guy was trying to take her away from him, and Kendall snapped.

He couldn't let him have her… not after they just made love. They're supposed to wake up to the bright sunlight, in each other's arms with lazy smiles and gentle caresses. It's not supposed to be before sunrise with police officers at their door.

"Kendall!" Karen yelled at her son while Katie watched him in shock. He ignored both of them completely, keeping his angry eyes on Scott Taylor.

"Listen, son, Sage needs to go home…" the man spoke gently with what he probably believed to be empathy.

"That is _**not**_ her home, and I won't let you take her back there!" Kendall was screaming now, forcing himself to stay at the bottom of the staircase and keep at least a yard of distance between his body and the door.

"What's going on?" young Katie asked loudly.

"Kendall, you need to start explaining-" his mother's features had gone fiercely stern.

"Wait, _**you're **_Kendall?" Scott Taylor asked and received a nod. "Officer Henderson asked me to inform you that, if you go anywhere near his house again, he'll be forced to file a restraining order against you. Now, just send Sage out, and you all can go back to sleep…"

Kendall was absolutely livid. This guy was starting to sound exasperated as if _**they**_ were inconveniencing _**him.**_

"You son of a bitch!" the boy was mere seconds from lunging at the man.

"Kendall..."

Everyone on the main floor froze, and Kendall immediately relaxed as he turned to look up at Sage. She was fully dressed now in jeans, sneakers, and a tank top, but she had also put on one of Kendall's plaid shirts and left it unbuttoned just to have something of his. She looked sad and a bit frightened, but, worst of all, she looked completely resigned to their defeat.

"I'm coming, Scott," the blonde girl spoke to the man she had known as long as Elliot had been in her life. He was always a kind man; too much for his own good. Scott was nothing but loyal. Too bad he had aligned himself with a disguised devil.

"Sage, you can't go," Kendall begged with hot tears burning his eyes as she descended the stairs stoically and stood beside him.

"It's okay, Kendall. I _**have**_ to go. It's what's best for everyone," she cried silently and pulled him into an embrace.

"…Everyone but you…" Kendall mumbled into her hair before kissing it gently. He ran his hands up and down her back and sides as if he could fight away the inevitable injuries.

"Come on, Sage…" Officer Taylor coaxed softly.

"Bite me," Kendall growled and glared at him before turning back to his girlfriend lovingly. He kissed her with everything he had, tears streaming down both of their faces.

"I love you too," she smirked half-heartedly and said what she didn't have a chance to in his room minutes ago. He smiled sadly and pecked her lips once again before she pulled herself away from him.

"I'm so sorry, Karen," Sage apologized to the confused woman sincerely for everything that was being left unspoken. She knew Kendall would tell her the whole story after she was gone.

Sage walked past a silent Karen and smiled once at Katie as she moved to stand next to Scott.

"Are you alright, honey?" he asked with a softer voice than he had used the whole night. She was his partner's daughter, and, on the force, they were all family. They looked out for one another.

Sage left the question unanswered, and turned herself off when Scott touched her arm in what was supposed to be a comforting gesture. Before Kendall could run up and punch Office Taylor for touching her, knowing she hated it, Sage shrugged shyly out of his grasp and turned away without a word, moving to the squad car on the street. She kept her head down once she realized that all of the Knight's neighbors were out on their lawns watching the spectacle. She climbed into the back of the car with one final look at Kendall.

"Have a good night," Officer Taylor waved solemnly, and Kendall didn't even have the strength to yell at him. He simply stared at the blonde girl in the police car until his view was cut off when his mother shut the door in front of him.

"Kendall, you need to tell me what the hell you were thinking!" Karen screamed and Katie watched on in fear. Sometimes it was fun, but she generally hated seeing her brother get in trouble, especially if it had to do with Sage.

"M-Mom…" Kendall's voice broke along with the last of his control. Before, he had let the anger work through him, but, now, it was helpless despair. He cried relentlessly, and Karen grew immediately concerned at his broken appearance. She didn't hesitate to pull her trembling son into her arms.

"What's happening, Sweetie?" she asked gently, her own tears forming at the heart breaking sobs Kendall was giving her.

"He-He hits her, Mom… Elliot beats her, and I d-don't know w-what to do anymore…" he cried into his mother's small frame.

She soothed him with soft words and hands that only a mother could provide to her son. Kendall thought he had everything under control. At least, that's what he told himself. Now, everything was falling apart. Sage was on her way to Elliot, and he couldn't be there for her. What is he supposed to do next? He couldn't do this alone anymore. He needs his mom…

* * *

Sage walked with Officer Taylor up to the house she had hoped to never see again. None of her neighbors even batted a lash at the flashing lights in her front yard. They all assumed Sage was trouble, and this wasn't to be unexpected. They climbed up the porch steps and the door immediately flew open. Elliot stood there with a sickening smile. Sage's hands ached and she found herself instinctively reaching to her side for Kendall, but, as she only touched air, she remembered he wasn't there anymore. He had been there for her every second of every day for the last month. What would she do without him?"

"Thank you so much, Scott…" Elliot hugged her tightly against his cold, hard body and it made Sage want to scream. "Don't do that to me again, Sweetie. I know it's been rough since your mom died, but we have to look out for each other," Elliot pulled away to gaze down at her with fake tears that had her crying for a whole different reason.

She forgot how _**convincing**_ he could be. Officer Taylor was watching their exchange with a small smile, acting like he was witnessing some epic, emotional family reunion. Scott had no idea that he had just escorted a sixteen-year-old girl back into the hands of her abuser.

After his partner had left, Elliot guided Sage inside silently and shut the door with absolute control instead of slamming it. She walked a few feet into the hallway before turning around cautiously. Elliot was standing with his arms crossed, glaring at her with a sadistic smirk. She waited for him to scream or lunge at her, but he just watched her squirm nervously for a few moments before breaking the silence.

"I'm gonna play a little give and take with your fuckin' boyfriend because your dumb ass got him involved," he spoke clearly and never lost his smirk as he advanced on her in an agonizingly slow pace. "He knows the truth about me, and I don't need him causing any trouble… but I get something too. You're not off the hook."

Elliot only stood a foot in front of her, staring down at her shaking body. She refused to make eye contact and stared at the floor as he continued sternly, his voice going more and more cold by the second.

"You're still _**my**_ family, but I won't go to jail for you or anyone else. You better keep Mr. Knight from riding my ass, because, if something goes wrong, I'll _**end it all**_," he warned her with venom in each word, especially the phrase 'Mr. Knight'.

Elliot had never really said Kendall's name. He treated him as if he were an animal or stranger. He wishes that he didn't exist, but he _**does**_, and Elliot needs to find a way to control him like the rest of the town. If he has to let Sage see him, then that's what he is going to do… He needs to hold onto the life he's been building. He's got too many plans, and he can't deal with interference…

He's going to treat Kendall like a minor detour rather than the road block he really is. Elliot is underestimating Kendall and Sage's relationship… but, right now, they're underestimating him too. If he has to be patient, then that's what he is going to be. He believes this will all blow over soon… There's no way the Knight family is going to keep a damaged teenage girl around…

"I don't have time to control every aspect of your pathetic life, but you _**will**_ be here when I am…" Elliot instructed harshly, unfolding his arms and making Sage stiffen, "…If I come home from work just _**once**_, and you're not here… Do I really have to explain it?" He finally lashed out and grabbed his step daughter.

He latched onto her shoulders hard enough to leave bruises and make her cry out in pain. She instinctively tried to shrink out of his grasp, but his hold wasn't relenting. He threw her roughly against the wall, sending her small body to the ground after the harsh impact.

"Are you listening, _**Sage?**_ Are you fuckin' using that little brain of yours? This is my _**last**_ warning!" He screamed loudly, and all traces of his smirk completely dissolved into a murderous scowl.

Elliot kicked her ribs, holding nothing back. He had missed seeing her hurt beneath him…

"Got it?" he asked, bending forward to get close to her tear stained face.

"Y-Yes…" Sage mumbled weakly, her breaths coming in brutal gasps after the air had been knocked out of her. She didn't even have time to recover a steady heart rate before Elliot's foot met her ribs again.

"I can't hear you!" he laughed menacingly as he struck her once again.

Sage whimpered in response, unable to form any intelligible words.

"Speak up, _**brave**_ girl!" he laughed as she attempted to move away, but he only pushed her down to the cold floor with his boot against her lower back. He watched her squirm beneath him before lying completely still.

"Yes… I understand…" Sage breathed harshly, but gave up any resistance she felt and spoke with clear words.

It would take time to get used to Elliot again after her month of vacation, but she would do it if it meant keeping herself and Kendall alive. She would endure anything for Kendall…

* * *

Kendall had told his mother _**everything**_. He explained every detail about how he and Sage met in the hospital, all the way up to the police coming to take her away. He even told her the truth about them sleeping together for the first time only hours earlier. He didn't want anymore secrets. If he was going to have full disclosure with Sage, he needed to include his mom too. He hated lying to her in the first place, but he had thought it was for the best.

Katie listened intently, remaining quiet the entire time Kendall was crying and telling the story of the past several weeks. She grimaced at the descriptions of Sage's injuries and the night Kendall had found out the truth. Katie and Karen had never met Elliot, and they never wanted to. Karen listened to her distressed son in silence until he was finished, still shaking in fear and anger. She hadn't given much of a response or reaction other than her own sad tears.

Mrs. Knight excused herself to get ready for work and instructed her children to dress for school, which was approaching quickly with the rising sun after spending a lot of time sharing the truth. Kendall was left confused and anxious. His mother hadn't yelled at him or said much of anything before she left for her bedroom with Katie in tow.

Kendall figured he should give her some time to think. It had been a stressful night for her in more ways than one. The police were at their door in the early hours of the morning looking for his runaway girlfriend, who had been hiding there for a month, and who Kendall had just given his virginity to only several yards down the hall from his mother's room, and, now, Sage had been returned to an abusive father… Karen definitely needed a minute…

Kendall had dressed for school quickly; not wanting to be in his room for too long. It felt wrong in there, and he hated it. Sage was supposed to be there beside him, smiling as they brushed their teeth and changed out of their night clothes before sending her out the window to go to the front door and show up for breakfast. Now, he was alone in the deafening silence, which was obliterated when the doorbell rang.

"Shit…" Kendall cursed under his breath. The doorbell had offered no good visitors, and he was sure this time would be no different. What else could go wrong?

Kendall ran out of his room and down the steps to find his mother opening the front door and Katie watching quietly from the couch.

"Good morning, Karen…" their nosy neighbor, Erika Glickman, was at the door with a brilliant and cheery smile; too cheery for seven in the morning.

"Hello, Erika. What can I do for you?" his mother spoke with her usual, cordial grace despite not liking the busybody very much.

"I wanted to ask you the same thing! I couldn't help but witness what went on last night. I'm so sorry about that. I should have warned you about Sage Henderson," Mrs. Glickman frowned and spoke apologetically, ignoring Kendall's presence behind his mother. The boy stood there with a tired and angry scowl and his arms crossed.

"Warned me?" Karen questioned in confusion… She was about to get a firsthand view of Elliot's power over the small town of Ramsey. Kendall had warned her of the brainwashing, but you had to see it to believe it.

"I should have told you about her. That girl is nothing but a menace. Her dear mother slit her wrists, and Sage just went off the deep end. We were all sympathetic at first, but three years has been quite enough time for her to control herself," Erika explained haughtily like Sage was the scum of the earth.

"Really?" Karen asked simply, not displaying any emotion and making Kendall nervous. Was she buying into this?

"Yes, it's terrible. If Kendall is having trouble making the right friends, my boy, Caleb, would be glad to show him around…" Erika went on, referring to the same Caleb from the first day in the locker room on Kendall's hockey team.

"Your son's a douche," Kendall interjected coldly, keeping his arms tightly folded in front of him. Erika looked at him for a moment, and then pity decorated her features. She turned to Karen like her son didn't exist.

"I know you would have never let that slut be around your son if you knew about her," Erika added, making Kendall's eyes widen in anger, but she only kept going. "I'm sure he's a very nice boy, but the Henderson girl is _**not**_ a good influence. I've heard she sleeps around to support a nasty drug habit that she's developed. She's not right in the head. Elliot is an absolute saint for dealing with her- "

"Listen, lady-!" Kendall screamed and stepped forward, fully prepared to hit the woman, despite the consequences, but his mother placed herself between them.

"Kendall, don't interrupt our conversation. It's rude," Karen scolded him. He scoffed at her, but his anger faded when he caught something in her eyes. She had the distinct, Knight family I-have-a-plan look. She turned to an astonished Erika with an overly sweet smile.

"Erika, I appreciate your _**false**_ concern, but I'd appreciate it even more if you kept your nosy face out of our business. You have no clue what you're talking about, and you certainly don't know Sage," his mother spoke with complete serenity, but her features showed a fierce fire within. "I don't want you to _**ever**_ come back to my home unless it's to apologize to Sage," she began shutting the door, "Oh!" she called out, causing an angry and humiliated Erika to look up at her, "… have a wonderful fucking day!" Karen finished by slamming the door in their rude neighbor's face. The house was silent until Katie spoke up from the living room.

"Way to go, Mom!" she cheered with the first smile they had seen from her since Officer Taylor showed up. Karen gave her daughter a short grin back.

"Thanks, Mom…" Kendall whispered with a small smile of appreciation. He finally knew how his mother felt. He had her support, and that's all he could ask for.

"It was my pleasure, honey. That gossiping witch has no idea what's really happening. Sage is a part of this family, because I would certainly not call Elliot a father… We love her, and we take care of our own," Karen insisted warmly but sternly, still glancing angrily in the direction Mrs. Glickman had gone.

"You're so fucking cool," Katie approved happily.

"Watch your language!" Karen scolded her young daughter with a halfhearted frown.

"You said it first," the tiny brunette mumbled grumpily and sank into the couch.

"I'm an adult," Karen informed her like it wasn't obvious and crossed her arms over her chest.

"… and she's an angry mama… You don't mess with an angry mama…" Kendall added with a gentle smile. He pulled his mother into a strong hug, more excited than ever to have such a beautiful and bold woman to look after him.

* * *

Kendall waited anxiously outside of the high school on the main sidewalk, looking from left to right every other second. The bell for first period had rung twenty minutes earlier, but he wasn't giving up. He would wait for her all day if he had to…

He wanted to go find Sage, even if it meant going to her house, but his mother made him promise not to do it. Karen had told him it was okay for Sage to be at their home whenever she could, even through the night, as long as Kendall's door stayed open. However, she wouldn't let her son go anywhere near the Henderson's house after Officer Taylor's threat of a restraining order.

Kendall's neck started to hurt, but he kept looking from side to side, mentally willing Sage to show up. Even though she was late, he had to believe she would come to school. She new that's where he'd be, and Elliot would be stupid to cause suspicion and not let her go.

"Sage," Kendall breathed her name shakily as she finally rounded the corner.

The blonde girl approached him, her pace substantially slower than normal. She was favoring one side of her body and limping so slightly that, if you weren't looking carefully, you would have missed it. Kendall sprinted to close the gap between them. Once he was right in front of her, he could tell she was wearing makeup, and he knew she had bruises without even being able to see them. Tears flowed from both of their eyes as they stared at one another. He wanted to hold her, but he thought he would hurt her battered body more.

"Kendall…" she cried and whispered his name, taking the initiative by launching herself into his strong arms.

He didn't hesitate to hold her once he felt Sage against him. She winced as his body slid against her ribs, but she only squeezed him tighter and ignored the pain because she needed Kendall so much more than relief.

"It's going to be alright, baby. Everything is going to be okay…" Kendall reassured her sweetly, both of them crying freely.

He didn't know if it was a false promise or not, but Kendall was going to do anything humanly possible to keep it.

* * *

**A/N: Dramatic, right? :D Can't I ever let people be happy? NOT YET ;D... Elliot's got plans... You'll have to wait and see to find out what they are...  
**

**Please REVIEW! Anonymous reviews are enabled (Hi to all of my AWESOME reviewers, both anonymous and named. I seriously LOVE all of you :D!)**


	11. Big Time Christmas Eve

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Here's Chapter 11! :D Sorry it's a few hours later than usual! :( I fell a bit behind today… PLEASE REVIEW :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot.**

**Song Suggestion: In this chapter… Kendall will be singing "Your Guardian Angel" by the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus (link on my profile)**

**This chapter is dedicated to the wonderful MichelleyWelly88 who reviewed EVERYTHING of mine… I'm talking each chapter of Past the Sorrow as well as For the Lovers of Jagan/Kogan. You're seriously amazing! That's like twenty reviews :D I don't know if you saw, but I responded to each one of them :D :D :D Thank you :) I'd also like to thank ANYONE, anonymous or otherwise, who have reviewed… especially my lovely, consistent reviewers. I love you guys :D**

_**-waterwicca**_

* * *

****_CHAPTER 11: BIG TIME CHRISTMAS EVE  
_

* * *

More than three months later, Kendall woke up with a slight chill and instantly reached out beside him for the body heat of Sage with his eyes still refusing to open. When his outstretched arm only met his mattress, he blinked rapidly and looked around, swallowing his panic down his suddenly tight throat.

His bedroom was brightly lit with the morning sunlight reflecting off of the foot of snow on the ground beyond his window, and his clock told him it was time to get up. Before he could call out to Sage, his body relaxed when he heard movement from his bathroom and noticed the door was slightly ajar. He jumped off of his bed with a smile and swung the door open the rest of the way, knowing she would have shut the door securely if he wasn't allowed in.

Sage stood in front of the sink with her lower half fully dressed in boots and jeans, but only wore a purple bra on top. Kendall noticed how closely her new bruises matched the color of her underwear, thinking that somehow everything was so right about her even when it was all terribly wrong. Her latest injuries were still pretty fresh, only having been dealt two days before during one of the times she was forced to be at the Henderson house when Elliot wasn't working. Sage's torso was still wrapped from when Kendall helped patch her up the night before after they showered… together.

Now that Sage practically lived with the Knight family, and Karen knew about her son and his girlfriend's intimacy, she insisted that their bedroom door stay open at all times. However, Sage and Kendall found plenty of time to sneak around whenever and wherever they could.

Kendall watched Sage smile at him sheepishly. It was covering her chest, but she seemed to be struggling to get the bra straps onto her arms; wincing every time her sore shoulders resisted the awkward movement. She had just been rethinking her strategy when Kendall walked in.

"Why didn't you come get me?" Kendall sighed softly, giving her a gentle smile as he stepped forward confidently to help her like he had many times before. "Arms straight down…"

Sage rolled her eyes with a melodic laugh as she did what she was told. Despite the brutal pain he knew she was in, Kendall always loved that she faced it with a smile. It was a completely genuine gesture. It had taken awhile for Kendall to learn that she meant it and wasn't just being brave, and he decided that if she could remain happy then so could he. They always did their best to not let Elliot change them. They kept their normalcy of jokes and smiles.

"I was trying to let you rest for five more minutes," Sage grinned weakly as her boyfriend slid the straps slowly up her smooth arms and shrugged.

"You know I can't sleep without you there anyway…" he kissed her softly once he was done, "… but promise you'll ask for help next time, especially if you're stuck on the _**undressing**_ part," he smirked at her playfully, pulling her into a deeper kiss.

Sage leaned into him fully; running her hands along his exposed back as his avoided her abdomen and rested in her hair and against her hip. Kendall swept his tongue across her lips and Sage found her control, stepping back just before she let them get carried away.

"You should get dressed. We have to go downstairs in a few minutes," she kissed him once more, forcing herself to keep her eyes off of his half naked body and biting her lip. Kendall seemed to be doing the same.

"Okay… just a little while longer…" he whispered softly as he sat on the toilet seat cover and pulled her into his lap, "… I wish you didn't have to go…"

From the moment he woke up, Kendall knew it was Friday just as much as he knew he was on planet Earth. Tuesday and Friday mornings were always solemn occasions for him and Sage because Elliot demanded that she be home when he was, and her stepfather did not work on Wednesdays and Saturdays. It wasn't the perfect situation, but they were making the best of what they had been given.

"Are we gonna keep having this conversation over and over?" Sage joked lightly, leaning in to rest her forehead in the crook of his neck.

"Just on Tuesday and Friday mornings because, no matter how many times we go through this, I will _**never**_ be okay with you going to your house… to be around _**him**_," Kendall always avoided saying Elliot's name when he could. The anger was too much to control if he let it consume him.

"Good morning, lovebirds!" Katie entered the room cheerfully and hopped up to sit on the counter, swinging her legs back and forth to hit against the wood below every few seconds.

"Yes, Katie, come right on in," Kendall laughed sarcastically, placing a random kiss onto Sage's shoulder.

"Hey, your door was wide open," his little sister defended herself boldly, curiously examining random objects near the sink.

"Only because Mom makes us keep it that way," Kendall insisted with a tone that clearly showed that Katie was already aware of that fact.

"Whatev-" Katie stopped when Karen suddenly appeared in the bathroom doorway.

All four stared at each other in silence, the younger three waiting for her reaction with apprehension. Sage and Kendall were half naked and wrapped around one another while Katie watched with a slight smirk, waiting for her mother to explode at the two teens.

"I'm not even going to ask… It's a holiday! Come eat breakfast!" Karen exclaimed excitedly with a brilliant smile as she turned and left the room, and the kids shook their heads in disbelief. Nothing could ever kill Mrs. Knight's mood on a holiday.

Kendall had almost forgotten that it was Christmas Eve. He had only remembered it was a Friday, which meant he wouldn't wake up to Sage the next morning. Elliot had taken off of work on Christmas day. It was the first time he would spend the holiday not working since she met him years ago, but she wasn't surprised at the change. Her stepfather had been doing everything more deliberately since Kendall came to town. They wouldn't be able to spend their first Christmas together, but they tried to remain focused on the positive, something Sage was slowly teaching Kendall, and they were happy that they would be able to bring in the New Year in each other's arms several days later.

After they got dressed, Sage and Kendall went downstairs for breakfast. They sat in what had become their usual spots; Sage between Kendall and Katie. Even on the mornings that she couldn't be there, no one ever sat on her stool. They only ate in silence…

Sage took her seat and noticed two painkillers resting beside her glass of orange juice. She locked eyes with Karen and shared a thankful smile as she took them into her hand and studied the small pills.

Karen had learned to read the blonde girl's body language, and she had seen the injuries with her own eyes the morning before. This time, Elliot had shoved her into the wall repeatedly when she hadn't cooked dinner, even though he never asked her to. Now, Sage knew to have it ready every night she was home… Instead of just letting her live and beating her for whatever internal reasons he had, he had been finding new ways to demand things from her and make Sage's life harder. She thought her stepfather was confusing before, but now he was completely unpredictable.

"Hey," Kendall whispered gently, and placed his hand into his girlfriend's own on the surface of the counter between them. He had noticed her faraway look as she stared at the painkillers in her palm.

She smiled back happily and gave his hand a squeeze as they leaned in for a kiss.

"Ah-ah! Not at the table," Karen interrupted them with a sideways glance as she wiped down the counter.

"We're at the kitchen counter," Kendall whined playfully.

"Not while I'm eating," Katie added as she bit a piece of toast.

"Thanks, Katie," Kendall stuck his tongue out at his sister, and Sage gave her a half-hearted glare paired with a smirk.

"Anytime, Big Brother," she smiled cheekily and reached out to sneak a sip of her mother's coffee.

"Katie," Karen spoke with her back turned, causing her daughter to nearly drop the mug, "… remember to feed Blackjack before we head out for the day."

At the mention of his name, a three-year-old black Labrador sauntered into the room with his tail constantly wagging. He was the newest addition to their little family. The four of them had gone together to pick him out at the local animal shelter. As soon as Katie and Sage stopped at the cage numbered 21, and saw the perpetually happy dog with the joy of a puppy, the young brunette knew it was the one she wanted and exactly what to name him.

"Come on, boy," Katie smiled giddily and rubbed his belly before dutifully gathering his food and pouring it into the dog's large bowl. He licked her once before diving into his meal like he hadn't eaten the night before, sending little bits of kibble scattering across the kitchen floor. "You're sure he'll be alright by himself?" Katie turned to her big brother and Sage for reassurance.

The whole family was spending the day outside of the house together, and Blackjack would be left home alone for a long time.

"He'll be fine, Kit-Kat," Sage assured her confidently, using the nick-name only she was allowed to, "He's a big boy. He'll find something to keep him occupied."

"Yeah, hopefully it's not eating my shoes," Karen joked as she bent down to scratch the dog's ear.

* * *

An hour later, the group of four found themselves at Sage and Kendall's 'spot'. They had gone back whenever they could, enjoying the isolation from the rest of the town, especially after a long day at school or a full Saturday with Elliot. They decided to bring Katie and Karen and share it with them once the small lake had frozen over so they could all skate together.

It wasn't long before Kendall found himself paired off with his little sister, chuckling lightly as he helped her keep her balance. Katie was a bit rusty on her skates from a lack of practice, but Kendall had moved like a professional since pee-wee hockey with James, Logan, and Carlos. As he held her small hands in his own with her body facing his, they looked over to Sage and Karen skating side by side on the other side of the ice.

"So, she really can't stay tonight… even though tomorrow's Christmas?" Katie frowned and bit her lip sadly. Sage had become a sister to her in the recent months. She lived with them most of the time, and Katie didn't like a member of their small family not spending the holiday at home. Kendall sighed and shook his head, turning it to look down at her.

"No, Baby Sister, she can't…" he spoke solemnly and fought not to scowl. "Sage doesn't have a choice. Elliot will be home tomorrow," Kendall added bitterly.

Katie knew the details. She had seen the bruises and blood with her own innocent eyes. She had learned to develop a hatred that no ten-year-old girl should have to have for a man she's never even laid eyes on.

"Was Dad ever like that?" Katie asked suddenly, sounding younger than she usually acted.

Kendall skidded to a stop, making Katie halt with him. The freezing air seemed to get colder as the wind blew and soaked through all of their layers. He tightened his gloved fingers around his sister's.

"What?" it was all he could stutter out, waiting for Katie to clarify.

"Is Elliot - … Is that what all dads are like?" Katie cautiously questioned further, hoping not to upset her brother. She hadn't ever really experienced a father, and Elliot was her only model. Kevin Knight died when she was barely two.

"No, Katie… not at all," Kendall insisted sternly and definitively. He needed her to know that Elliot was nothing like most fathers. "Never think that, Baby Sister. Dad was an amazing man… He was smart and brave, just like Mom. If he were here, he'd know what to do about Elliot…" Kendall took another glance at Sage across the ice. He always fought to stay strong for her, but sometimes he felt like it was never enough.

* * *

"What will you do tomorrow… for Christmas?" Karen asked Sage as they skated over to the edge of the ice. They sat on a few large rocks that would normally be inaccessible unless you swam to them when the lake wasn't frozen solid.

"Uh… Stay out of Elliot's way, I guess… You know, like all the other days," Sage smiled softly and shrugged before stiffening.

Karen studied the way the girl's back straightened, knowing that her bruised shoulders would hurt if she slouched. She admired how Sage just always dealt with it. She put on a brave face even as she returned to their house in the morning with new bruises after Elliot had gone back to work. Karen always felt motherly and wanted to take care of her, but Kendall insisted that he be the one to do it. Katie and Karen would watch in silent awe as Kendall kissed his girlfriend's forehead sweetly, mumbling soft whispers of love as he cleaned her split lip or pressed ice to her abused body.

"I hope you know that if it gets too bad there tomorrow, or _**ever**_, you can home to us even if it's just temporary…" Karen spoke, softly rubbing the blonde's arm.

"I can't-"

"Even if the police have to come get you again, I don't mind as long as you feel safe for awhile… I wouldn't be embarrassed, if that's what you think…" Karen assured her quickly and sincerely.

"Really? I felt so bad that night…" Sage bit her lip sadly, thinking back to when Officer Taylor took her away from the Knight's. She had been so nervous to face Karen again when Kendall brought her home from school the next day, but the beautiful woman just gathered her into her loving arms and told her she was glad to have her back.

"You and Kendall were doing the best you could under circumstances that no one should be given. I just wish you would have told me," Karen kept her warm smile as she tugged up the collar of her jacket to ward off the cold.

"I'm sorry… We just thought it would be better to hide it. I didn't want to worry you or make you stressed," Sage admitted sheepishly, knowing that was what she had caused anyway.

"Sage, I'm a mother. I'm _**always**_ stressed," Mrs. Knight laughed. "My ten-year-old daughter gambles online, and my son carries the weight of the world on his shoulders when, sometimes, I wish he'd just be a kid again… _**but**_, honestly, we've never been that normal of a family," Karen rolled her eyes with a chuckle and a dismissive shrug. Sage laughed and shook her head, making Karen watch her with a questioning look.

"Sorry, it's just, _**abnormal**_ is kinda the theme of our relationship," Sage responded, both females looking over to Kendall and Katie. They were at the opposite edge of the ice, picking up snow and pelting each other with it.

"That's probably why you fit in so well," Karen added softly, watching her children laugh.

"So, you're okay with Kendall and me?" Sage asked hesitantly, knowing fully well that Karen was aware of their intimacy, but she also knew that they were both responsible.

"If I wasn't, you'd know it," Karen smirked and brought her eyes back to look at Sage. "…He loves you so much. It's written in everything he does: the way he looks at you like you're the only one in the room, the way he whispers and smiles… It's how Kevin and I used to look at each other…" Karen trailed off sadly, thinking about her deceased husband, before putting a smile back onto her face, "…When us Knight's love, we do it with everything we've got. If Kendall has found love like that, then I'm _**never**_ going to rip it away from him," she assured Sage sternly.

"I feel the same way for him; like we need each other to breathe…" Sage snuck a longing glance at Kendall before turning to Karen. "_**Thank you**_… for letting me love him… for letting me stay at your home… for letting me be part of your family," Sage took Karen's hand, squeezing it in a gesture of understanding.

"I couldn't ever split you two up… You've got more than enough battling against you. You guys need some support -"

"Sage!" Kendall suddenly skated and stopped in front of them, dragging Katie along. "Why'd you stop? Does your back hurt?" Kendall rushed to her side in concern, causing Karen to smile fondly at his loving nature.

"I'm fine, Kendall," Sage stood up and took his hands, hugging him close to her body. "I would have told you if something was wrong."

They both knew it was the truth, but constant reassurance helped them cope with their inconsistent lives.

* * *

Several hours later, after eating dinner at an uncrowded local diner, the Knight's and Sage were headed home. They still had a small amount of time before she had to go to her house, but they would take whatever they could get.

On the drive home, they all marveled at how the Christmas lights decorated and lit up the whole block in bright, multicolored hues dancing across the thick snow on the ground and covering the bare tree branches in the sky. They passed the neighbor's mechanical, waving Santa Claus right before they pulled into the driveway. The Knight house had been fully decorated by Kendall, Sage, and Katie one weekend while Karen was working. Lights covered the entire trim of the roof and the random bushes in the front yard… It was so illuminated…

That was part of the reason they didn't notice the extra flickering glow coming from the backyard…

All four of them hopped out of the car and rushed to get into the warm house. Karen immediately started a fire, and Kendall and Sage turned the Christmas tree on, casting a soft light throughout the living room. Katie wandered off in search of her new favorite companion, Blackjack, who had yet to make an appearance.

"Mom!" Katie yelled. Something in her voice was off, making Karen, Sage, and Kendall all run into the kitchen where she stood staring at the back door. "I-It was open like that, a-and outside there's- " They all stopped to look where the frightened girl was pointing.

The backdoor was open just a crack and a strong glow came in through the frosted window panes. They all jumped into action at nearly the same time when they finally took in the faint smell… It was smoke… Something was on fire…

"Katie!"

The little girl ran for the door, despite the other three calling to her. She flung it open wildly, sprinting to the backyard with the others close behind. The young girl screamed horrifically at the sight they were met with.

A small mound lay in the middle of the snow-covered lawn. Deep red blood pooled beneath it, coating the white snow with an angry, red hue so dark that it almost seemed black. Blackjack's collar rested carefully and deliberately on the white snow just beyond the red. His body had been set on fire. The red and orange flames were a harsh and brutal contrast to the happy, multicolored lights in the surrounding areas. It hurt to look…

"Shit!" Kendall yelled before taking control, running over to a spare shovel leaning against the house and piling snow over the body to smother the flames. Katie was crying hysterically.

"Come on, Kit-Kat… Ssh, we're going inside," Sage cried and gathered her into her arms as Karen kept an eye on her son near the fire, shooting Sage a thankful look.

Sage ran inside and slammed the door behind her with Katie wrapped around her body. She couldn't let the little girl witness something so tragic to her young eyes. Sage has been there… and you can't be the same if you have no one to help you… She wouldn't let Katie become what she had been before Kendall….

* * *

"So, you definitely can't stay tonight?" Katie snuggled under her covers, her tears only recently ceasing as Sage tucked her in.

Sage was sad and touched, more than the ten-year-old's heart could ever grasp, at the love and concern Katie was showing her despite all of the trouble and pain she brought into the young girl's life.

"No, Sweetie, I'm sorry. I can't… but I'll stick around while Kendall sings to you, okay?" Sage offered, trying for enthusiasm but failing miserably. Katie nodded and gave her a hug before turning over to settle beside Sage in her bed.

Kendall sat with his guitar at Katie's desk, having promised to help her sleep after the traumatic evening ended in the burying of their mutilated family dog. There was no doubt in anyone's mind that Elliot did it… He wouldn't let anyone have any happiness…

"You ready, Baby Sister?" Kendall asked with fake cheer, his heart hurting at the girl's loss as well as Sage's obvious guilt… He was more concerned with her going home to the monster after what he had done.

Katie nodded again slowly with her eyes closed. Kendall smiled lovingly at Sage before nodding slightly in acknowledgement as his mother came to lean in the doorway as he began to sing:

_**When I see your smile  
Tears roll down my face I can't replace  
And now that I'm strong I have figured out  
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul  
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one**_

Kendall had written and composed the song with Sage in mind and with her assistance. They did everything together, and she had an amazing talent for words and sound. Even though she knew it by heart, Sage listened and watched Kendall intently as he sang and strummed the guitar. She had cried the first time he sang it fully for her, and there were tears in her eyes again. She was pretty sure that his singing would _**always **_get to her…

When Kendall sang, his voice was raw and open, yet controlled and honest… a voice that he only ever used on her in the dead of night whether they were connected together as one or contemplating their lives while wrapped tightly around each other.

_**I will never let you fall (let you fall)  
I'll stand up with you forever  
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)  
Even if saving you sends me to heaven**_

After today, Kendall was surer than ever that he would do whatever it took to protect and save Sage. If it took time, then that's what he would deal with. If it took pain, then he would gladly accept it. Kendall had to be in control. He had to be a strong leader for Katie and his mother… He would only ever admit to Sage that he was scared out of his mind. She would be the only one to see his tears, just as he saw hers.

_**It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.  
Seasons are changing  
And waves are crashing  
And stars are falling all for us  
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter  
I can show you I'll be the one**_

It had to be okay, because they were together and alive, and that's all that mattered. They would have to deal with the rest as it was thrown at them. When everything is unpredictable, all you can rely on is each other.

'_**Cause you're my, you're my, my true love, my whole heart  
Please don't throw that away  
'Cause I'm here for you  
Please don't walk away and  
Please tell me you'll stay whoa, stay whoa**_

He knew Sage would want to leave… to stay away for awhile. Kendall could always read the guilt on her face, but he knew that she wouldn't go. He'd never let her, and she couldn't do it. They _**needed**_ each other… to breathe… to live… to love… to be happy…

_**Use me as you will  
Pull my strings just for a thrill  
And I know I'll be okay  
Though my skies are turning gray**_

They'd make it through anything together. Katie and Karen were fully supportive and loving. That was really the only necessity: Family… Family made everything okay. Sage had learned that the hard way. After years of torture, she found people to love and who would love her back without any exceptions. Kendall changed and saved her life… and he would protect it with his own, just as she would lay down and die for him…

_**I will never let you fall  
I'll stand up with you forever  
I'll be there for you through it all  
Even if saving you sends me to heaven**_

The song ended, and Katie was fast asleep as the room fell silent. Karen smiled proudly at her talented son as he walked quietly over to Sage and kissed her gently before they all left the room. Karen knew Sage would be leaving any minute and pulled her into her arms as she stood in the hallway.

"I love you, Sweetheart," Karen whispered with teary eyes as she smoothed the girl's blonde hair. Sage immediately cried, and Kendall sucked in a shaky breath as he watched the exchange.

Karen needed Sage to know that it wasn't her fault. Elliot is not her problem. He acts on his own accord. She was proud of how Sage handled herself earlier with Blackjack and thought about Katie before anything else, even though Sage should have dissolved into a torn up mess at the sight of her stepfather's wordless, brutal threat.

"Thank you… I love you too," Sage whispered as Karen smiled at her warmly in only a way a mother could and brushed her tears from her cheeks.

Karen nodded gratefully and turned to make her way to her bedroom, leaving Kendall and Sage alone.

Kendall immediately reached out for his girlfriend's hand and walked her downstairs silently. They didn't always need words… They stood near the front door, knowing that Sage was going to walk out of it any moment, and he wouldn't see her again until Sunday. He hugged her tightly, crying as he always did, like it could be their last goodbye.

"Just… Please… Stay 'til Christmas?" Kendall begged softly, kissing her shoulder gently before looking over at the clock. It was ten minutes before midnight.

Sage agreed silently and smiled softly as she led them into the living room. They sat on the floor close to the fireplace with Sage fully wrapped around Kendall in his lap. The clock seemed to tick loudly, reminding them of their limited time. Elliot would be home in less than an hour from the night shift he worked.

Kendall hummed his song softly into Sage's ear as he rocked her back and forth gently, both of their hands roaming soothingly along their arms and backs. They always did anything they could to mentally and physically enjoy their last minutes together before Sage left on Tuesday and Friday nights.

Eventually, no matter how hard they prayed, the clock struck midnight and Kendall pulled Sage back for a meaningful kiss, their lips leaning into every small caress.

"Merry Christmas…"

* * *

**A/N: I'm SORRY! I had to do it! … I really loved Blackjack. I have a dog of my own, and I couldn't look her in the eye while I was writing :(**

**But, did you like it anyway? Please REVIEW! :D They make me sooooo happy :)**

**IMPORTANT!: If you guys enjoy this, you HAVE to go read the wonderful Surfergal23 's new Kendall/OC story called "Hooked" :D :D :D This girl is an amazing writer :) She has many amazing stories. CHECK OUT this new one and give her some of your lovely feedback :)**

**Please REVIEW :D (I'll see you all next week!)**


	12. Big Time Roadblock

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Here's Chapter 12! :D More Smut and plenty more drama. PLEASE REVIEW :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot.**

**IMPORTANT: I'd like to mention that I have included sex scenes in this story (two now, including this chapter… plus plenty more to come ;D) and I only feel right in pointing out that I do NOT make my characters wear condoms. First, assume Sage is on birth control (I do lol) because she's NOT getting pregnant. I can guarantee you that. Second, and most importantly, remember that this is FICTION (not real). I chose to make them have sex this way for personal reasons that I feel add to the intensity of the story, but in REAL life I don't condone this stuff. PLEASE practice safe sex (birth control, condoms, abstinence) I control the outcome of this story because I'm the writer, but we don't have that luxury in the real world. We have to make careful and safe decisions…**

**Well, sorry for the serious public service announcement lmao, but I felt it was only right to point it out so you don't think this is a good thing to be doing :) Now, on with the fun and drama…**

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 12: BIG TIME ROADBLOCK_

* * *

"Not that I'm complaining, but what are we doing out here… and where is _**here**_? This place wasn't on the tour," Kendall smiled playfully, referring to their first date, as his girlfriend lead him outside with her hand securely in his own.

They moved through a narrow gap, about two yards wide, outside of the school during their lunch break. The couple found themselves in a small area located between two of the larger buildings that composed the school campus. They were surrounded by four brick walls with no windows and a few large, metal cubes that served as the heating and cooling systems for Ramsey High School. The constant hum of the powerful machines provided a low background noise. Condensation and clouds of fog rolled off of the heated metal as it met with the chilled winter air.

"This is where the stoners usually hang out," Sage explained quickly as she stopped walking when they reached the center of the enclosed space, "but they're all in the bathrooms now because it's too cold." She was smiling as she wrapped her arms around her boyfriend's neck.

"So, we're out here freezing because we're even crazier than the potheads?" Kendall smirked down at her, raising a curious brow as he wondered what she was up to.

"Yes, _**but**_ I also wanted to give you your Valentine's Day present, and I figured it would be better out here than in our stairwell," Sage explained further, referring to where they usually spent lunch time, still remaining vague and having fun teasing Kendall with their usual banter.

This year, Valentine's Day fell on a Wednesday, which meant that Sage could not spend it with Kendall. It was Elliot's day off, so she was home this morning and was expected back immediately after the school day was over. This was the only time they had together.

"Oooh, presents! Is it gloves? It's kinda chilly," the blonde boy joked, blowing a thick cloud of air in front of him dramatically as if to prove his point. The area they were in was actually a tolerable temperature because of the machines and the fact that it hadn't snowed in two weeks. The pavement beneath their feet was clear of any snow or ice.

"Nope, but it _**will**_ make you warmer…" Sage's voice dropped to an alluring whisper, sending shivers up Kendall's spine and across his shoulders, all the way down to his fingertips.

Sage stepped forward to close the narrow gap between them and pushed her body flush against his. She placed a hand into his soft hair while the other wrapped around to rest on his lower back. Leaning up slightly, she pressed a slow kiss to his bare neck just below his jaw. Her lips lingered over his strong pulse for a bit longer than necessary, and her tongue darted out to lap at the skin lightly before pulling away and looking up into Kendall's green eyes. They had already grown darker with lust, and he was running his hands beneath her top to touch the smooth skin of her back and abdomen, savoring the feeling of every warm inch.

"So far, best present ever…" he trailed off with a grin, waiting in anticipation for what would come next.

"Good. It's gonna get better…" Sage assured him with a sly smile as she bit the corner of her lower lip suggestively.

"How can it possibly- "

Kendall stopped to suck in a harsh breath when he realized what his lover had planned. Sage grabbed his hand at her waist and guided him downward, stopping at her bare thigh. He figured out the reasoning behind the odd choice of a skirt in the cold February weather when she slid his hand underneath it to rest on her smooth, exposed ass…

"Better?" she whispered heavily as he immediately started kneading the soft skin beneath his palm.

Kendall only gave a short nod as an answer before pulling her roughly into his arms and kissing her hungrily. His tongue instantly found hers in a gesture that came to them as naturally as breathing over their months together. He brought his free hand up to latch onto her long blonde hair as he stepped forward until her body collided gently with the brick wall, sandwiching her between the building and Kendall's exploring limbs.

As she moaned into the kiss and let herself melt into Kendall's caresses, Sage felt him slide his hand away from her ass and along her thigh before parting her legs with prying fingers. He rubbed her roughly, her core already slick with arousal just from her boyfriend's kisses.

"How naughty… and convenient," Kendall purred in her ear as he plunged a finger into her tight heat and licked at the skin along her neck, breathing her scent in deeply.

"Kendall…" Sage moaned his name as she shut her eyes, pressing her head into the cold brick behind her as her lover nipped gently at her jugular, just light enough to avoid bruising since she'd have to see Elliot later.

His speed picked up when Sage writhed against his hand, and Kendall added a second finger, pumping them in and out rapidly. He watched her chest heave up and down, and small clouds of fog passed her warm lips as she panted wildly. Soon, Kendall didn't even have to move his hand much. He watched in lustful awe as his girlfriend practically fucked herself on his fingers, letting him feel what she could offer as her tight walls convulsed around him. Kendall was already painfully hard and groaned into Sage's hair at the thought of being inside of her. He brought his hand down to palm his stiff cock through his jeans, seeking some type of relief.

Sage opened her eyes at his soft sounds and looked down between them. She smirked and placed her hand over his and pressed harder on his bulge, stopping her own movements against his fingers. Kendall moaned at the added pressure and leaned forward to kiss his girl enthusiastically. As she swatted his hand away completely and cupped his erection firmly, Sage maneuvered their bodies so that they switched positions. She had Kendall against the wall, both of the boy's hands now gripping her waist.

Both of their bodies were fully heated, oblivious to the freezing weather as adrenaline and lust coursed through their veins. There was an extra spark of warmth in each place they touched one another. Sage shrugged out of her jacket, letting it fall to her feet before grabbing Kendall's and slipping it off of his shoulders with his eager assistance. She threw it with hers to the ground between them and slid down to kneel on the fabric.

Kendall smirked at his girlfriend and bit his lip in anticipation. She smiled up at him as she hurried to work open his jeans, eager to taste him. It was always one of their favorite things despite the countless times they'd had sex: exploring each other. Sage pulled his boxers and pants down to his thighs, watching his erect cock appear from behind the constricting fabric. Kendall sighed heavily as the cold air hit his heated flesh, but he didn't even have the time to take a second breath before Sage had a delicate hand wrapped around his base. She gripped him firmly, locking her dark green eyes onto his as she leaned forward to run her tongue along his slit in a slow and heavy movement, gathering up his intoxicating pre-cum and moaning at the taste.

Growling from low in his throat, Kendall laced his fingers into her blonde hair and let her set the pace as she put the head of his dick into her wet mouth and sucked hard. Sage pulled back and licked a straight line from his balls to the tip of his throbbing cock before pumping her hand up and down rapidly, loving the way his hips bucked toward her involuntarily with short gasps of breath passing his lips. She took his member into her mouth again, taking him deeper this time. Hollowing her cheeks, Sage leaned forward until she had his dick halfway down her throat and then pulled back teasingly only to surge forward and take his impressive length in with a loud moan that vibrated through his entire groin.

"_**Fuck**_, baby… Get up here," Kendall commanded softly, tugging her hair with gentle pulls until she rose to her feet. If he had let her continue, he would have cum, and he wanted to be inside of her…

Kendall pulled her into his arms and kissed her with everything he had, both of them softly whimpering against each other. He ran his hands down to her thighs and grabbed the hem of her tight skirt, ripping it up roughly until the fabric bunched at her torso. Latching his hands onto her ass, he lifted her up to wrap her slim legs around his waist and turned around to press her forcefully into the brick wall. He groaned and grinded up into her, his erection rubbing her slick folds and teasing her clit with each pass.

"You want it?" Kendall asked huskily, kissing along every inch of her jaw and neck as one hand gripped her thigh and the other kneaded her breast, using his hips to hold her up against the wall.

"_**Mhm**_…" Sage whimpered and leaned into his mouth while trying to pull her head back to allow him more access.

"Tell me, Sage. Tell me what you want," he demanded teasingly, pulling his mouth away from her skin and slowing down his shallow thrusts. She looked him deep in the eyes with a rapidly growing smirk as both of her hands intertwined behind his neck.

"Fuck me, Kendall…" she begged with a sharp wiggle of her hips against his dick.

Kendall smiled breathlessly and kissed her roughly as he groped her ass and raised her up to settle her body back down onto his cock. Sage was immediately filled, sighing pleasurably at the sensation as Kendall rocked their bodies together slowly. As soon as he was sure she was ready, he pulled out almost all of the way before thrusting back in forcefully, making them both cry out and wildly grip onto one another as Kendall fucked her hard.

He kept a hand behind her head as he repeatedly pressed her into the wall, neither one of them bothering to stifle their moans as he slid in and out of her. Being loud is one of their favorite parts of being together when they have sex outside of the house; where they don't need to be stealthy. Kendall loves hearing Sage moan his name, and Sage shivers every time he groans or growls into her ear as he buries himself deep inside of her. His cock throbbed with his oncoming release, and he could tell that his lover was close as her walls convulsed tightly around him and her breathing hitched.

"Oh my god…" Sage cried and bucked wildly into his erratically moving hips, both of them still amazed at how every time together feels just as hot and just as special as their first night.

Kendall pressed his head into her neck with a shout as she bit down onto his strong shoulder, both of them climaxing simultaneously. Sage moaned into his skin as she felt Kendall's hot cum flood into her shaking body, and he continued thrusting in and out slowly, stretching out the intensity of their orgasms.

As both of them breathed heavily, Kendall let Sage's legs fall to the ground, but left his arms around her waist; keeping them attached at the hip. Sage peppered kisses all over his cooling skin as he reached down to his jacket with one hand, pulling a box from one of the pockets with a sly smile.

"Close your eyes," he instructed playfully, turning to look at her as she lay her head back against the bricks and struggled to catch her breath.

"They're already closed," she giggled lazily and squeezed his upper arm blindly as she rested her eyes and took in the feeling of Kendall still inside of her.

"Then keep 'em that way," he chuckled giddily, kissing her cheek before opening the small blue box and taking out the small prize inside and throwing the container to the ground. He held her Valentine's Day gift in front of her face.

"Open."

Sage opened her eyes with a brilliant smile. Kendall dangled a silver necklace in front of her. It was a pendant crafted in a heart shape with a scripted "S" and "K" intertwined in the center.

"You like it?" he asked happily, already knowing the answer, and leaning in to kiss her sweetly.

Sage smiled against his lips and placed her hand lovingly along his cheek. She pulled back and examined the silver trinket that symbolized their love between her fingers with shining eyes.

"It's perfect."

* * *

Later that night, Sage lay in her room silently. She had slept for a while, but woke up after a few hours because she felt on edge and anxious.

She had spent the whole evening with him, and Elliot hadn't hit her once. They ate dinner in an uncomfortable silence before Sage washed the dishes while he watched television. Her shoulders had been tense the entire time, waiting for the man to snap at her for something because he _**always**_ found a reason to hit her. However, as the evening ended and he drifted off to his bedroom without a word, Sage shook the cold feeling away and counted herself lucky. Maybe Elliot was in a good mood. Maybe he was sick. Maybe he actually felt bad about keeping Sage away from Kendall on Valentine's Day… She wouldn't put money on that last one. Elliot would probably jump in front of a bus before feeling sympathy for his stepdaughter.

As she lay in bed, staring out into the moonlit sky, Sage was exited not to have to show Kendall any new bruises when she arrived at the Knight's for breakfast in a few hours. Her mind wandered to Kendall with a blissful smile, and she reached up to fondly squeeze the new pendant around her neck. With the way it fell over her chest, the silver heart landed right on top of a small scar Elliot had given her when he had pushed her down on the first night he had ever beaten her. The glass she was holding had shattered beneath her, cutting an inch size slice into her skin. Now, it was almost as if the scripted silver initials of the necklace could replace the horrific memory like Kendall had replaced many of the others with gentle caresses and soft words.

Sage couldn't get Kendall off of her restless mind and, as always, thoughts of the boy inspired her. She instantly had lyrics for a new song running through her head. She reached over to the nightstand for the notebook she always kept for random song ideas, but it wasn't where it was supposed to be. She had left it downstairs on the coffee table when she got home from school.

Usually, she would have gathered all of her stuff after Elliot injured her and limped off to her room with it, but, tonight, Elliot's lack of violence had thrown her off of the terrible routine she had been forced to formulate. However, the alternative would have been worse… It could always be worse…

Sage threw the covers off of her warm body, her skin instantly hitting the chilled air of the dark Henderson house. She only wore a tank top and a pair of shorts, but didn't bother putting on anything else and hoped to hurry downstairs and back up to her room without an incident. She stepped through the hallway quietly, but quickly, knowing that Elliot would be up before sunrise to head to the police station.

She made it successfully down the stairs and to her school bag. After taking out her notebook, she tossed the bag and let it hang over the railing before climbing back up the steps as she flipped through the pages absentmindedly.

She reached the top of the staircase, turned, and stopped just centimeters before her face collided with Elliot's wide chest. He was wearing his full uniform, but the shirt was unbuttoned to show a white undershirt beneath it. Sage isn't sure that she's ever seen him wear the police uniform perfectly. He always stood out in some way… Elliot was breathing hard. Her whole body tensed, waiting for a hit… She had just nearly ran into him, and he's struck her for less many times before.

She forced her eyes upward, watching his Adam's apple move shakily as he swallowed harshly. Sage looked at his jaw. It was stiff, and he was grinding his teeth almost audibly. Elliot's eyes were completely glued to her, and Sage's heart felt heavy as it seemed to drop to the floor in fear. Her stepfather wasn't looking at her like he usually did…

Elliot's eyes were always so cold, emotionless, and blank, but now there was something there… She couldn't figure it out. It was like there was something dancing behind them, burning her skin just from the stare…

It's _**anger**_.

She thought she had seen it in him so many times before, but, now that she's truly faced with it, nothing in the past can compare to the pure and raw fear it ignited within her.

"What is that?" Elliot ground each word out between his teeth, and his body was as rigid as steel while he watched her. His tone made all of the air leave Sage's lungs.

"It's m-my notebook. I lef-"

"Not that!" he screamed angrily in her face as he ripped the book from her hands in one swift motion. As the papers crumpled beneath his large hand, Elliot threw it against the wall beside them.

Sage cowered and suddenly felt nervous. Usually, she could tell what was coming, but, deep in her gut, she could feel that this was all different. She didn't know what to do with her shaking hands. She rubbed them against her thighs before grabbing the fabric of her shorts, needing something to help ground her. The electricity was heavy in the air, and she couldn't help but feel as if she would be struck by lightening any second…

"What… is… _**that**_?" her stepfather repeated himself with deep breaths and short syllables as he backed her into the wall with a finger jabbing sharply against her sternum. By the time she was pressed into the wall, his finger was pinning her there, pushing hard on the silver pendant; so hard that it's digging into her skin with a burning sensation. Elliot must have never noticed the necklace throughout the evening because she had kept her jacket on, but now she was more exposed.

"It-It's a gift fr-from -" she stopped short, unsure of what to say. The letters are an obvious giveaway, but Sage had always done her best not to mention Kendall in the past six months.

"From Kendall? From Kendall fucking Knight?" Elliot finished for her, his anger rising with each word. Sage closed her eyes and could feel his hot breath ghosting over her cheeks. The added air had her realizing that she was crying as she nodded weakly in confirmation.

"Y-yes…"

"Damn it! This kid won't take a fuckin' hint! Why won't he back off?" her stepfather growled as he asked his rhetorical question. He usually spoke straight to her, but, when Sage opened her eyes, it seemed as if he wasn't even seeing her. "Why is he still around?"

She was about to try and formulate an answer before she realized he wasn't really looking for one. Elliot grabbed her hair with a frustrated groan and pulled her forward roughly before slamming her back so hard that her vision blurred for a moment. As she was regaining focus, Elliot latched onto Sage's pendant and ripped it from her neck with one swift yank, leaving her feeling bare. He still had a fist pulling her hair, but he didn't seem to notice. Elliot was studying the necklace in the palm of his hand before looking up with a snap of his neck as if he realized the answer to his own question.

"He's ruining everything, and _**you're**_ letting him!" Elliot wasn't making any sense, but before Sage could ask any questions of her own, the back of her stepfather's hand connected with her face, instantly splitting her lip and making her taste the all too familiar coppery warmth of blood.

Elliot grabbed her wildly by the neck with harsh breaths, lacking his usual control, and shoved her roughly across the hallway. Sage stumbled in the short distance and hardly had time to catch herself against the opposite wall with her hand. She immediately felt a shooting pain in her wrist, knowing it was sprained again.

"I'm so tired of this shit!" Elliot screamed randomly again and launched himself at her. He pulled her sharply by the arm to face him and stepped back to slap her again on the uninjured side of her face, making her cheek throb as more tears fell from her wide eyes.

"It's like nothing I do works!"

Her stepfather yelled and looked around the house in disbelief, not really talking to her. He latched his large hands onto Sage's shaking shoulders and shoved her to the side blindly, not realizing their location until it was too late.

Sage couldn't gain her footing this time because there was nothing beneath her. Elliot had pushed her down the stairs. Her body tumbled harshly against the hard, cold wood. Her sprained wrist suddenly wasn't an issue when she felt and heard a sickening snap as her forearm momentarily lodged in between two bars of the railing on her descent.

She had made it to the floor faster than she thought she would, and she only noticed she was there because the sounds of her body connecting with the steps ceased. They were now replaced with a constant thud behind her eyes, echoing in her ears as if she was listening to her own blood pumping rapidly through her veins. Sage's body was sore as she moaned and turned on her side. She could tell from experience that her only serious injuries were her arm, which was definitely broken, and her head. She couldn't be sure, but she thought the warmth on her forehead meant she was bleeding.

As her vision blurred in and out of focus, she reached up a weak hand and ran it above her eyebrow. When she pulled it back, her fingertips were covered in blood. It was bright red and felt sticky on her skin. The copper was all she could smell. Sage thought her skin may have even been more pale than usual, but it was difficult to tell with the pounding in her ears and the dim lighting of the house.

She had almost forgotten about Elliot with all of the panic and confusion rising in her chest, but then he stepped into her limited line of sight and crouched down.

"Sage, listen to me… I'm taking you to the hospital… Wait here, and don't move. I'll be right back," his voice was steady and calm, but still lacked emotion. Elliot hadn't approved of her going to the hospital in over a year. The last time was when she needed stitches because he had thrown a plate at her, but even back then, he yelled at her like it was her fault the entire ride there. Now, his voice seemed to be aiming for soothing, but Sage would always find it frightening no matter what he did…

She watched Elliot stand up and leave through the front door, keeping it open. Sage could hear his squad car start before he drove away. She couldn't understand what he was doing, but she believed him when he said he was taking her to the hospital. He wouldn't leave her to die…

As she waited for her stepfather to return, Sage dragged herself to the steps and sat up with a groan, her arm still cradled to her chest while her head felt heavy. She was panting in sharp gasps, starting to believe she may have cracked a rib or two during her fall. She used her good hand to reach for her bag on the railing and dug out her cell phone. This was serious, and she had to call Kendall like she promised she would if it got bad.

Sage fumbled with the phone for a few moments in her shaking hand, struggling to flip it open. After succeeding, she hit the 'send' button to redial the last number, which is always Kendall's. Her boyfriend answered within two rings.

"What's wrong?" Kendall sounded immediately panicked and alert. He probably had been sleeping as restless as she did when she wasn't with him.

"K-Kendall, he's… uh… taking me to the h-hospital…" Sage found her words hard to form. She hissed as she touched her temple again, making her skin sting, and she pulled her hand back with more blood.

"Baby, what happened?" he sounded angry, but there was an edge to his voice that made Sage believe he was going to cry. She already was, just by listening to his love and concern. She hated upsetting him.

"He pushed me down the stairs… I'm bl-bleeding from my h-head…"

"Don't fall asleep, okay? If it's bad, you can't sleep. _**Please**_, Sage…" as Kendall begged, she could hear him running around and getting clothes from his dresser with a desperate tone. She figured she must have sounded as tired as she felt.

"Alright, I - Elliot's coming… I love you…" Sage heard his car still running as he came up the porch steps.

"I'll meet you at the hospital. I love you too."

Sage shut her phone and shoved it back into the bag before Elliot could see. When she looked up at him, it still seemed as if her stepfather was calm and concentrating.

"Give me your arm," he commands simply, and Sage does so without hesitating. It's something she's learned over the years.

She moved slowly and watched Elliot stretch out her arm. He held a small needle that glimmered in the dim moonlight. Sage tensed.

"What are you-"

"Shut up, and stop wiggling," he sounded exasperated with her, "You're gonna feel out of it, but the pain will go away."

Sage held her body rigid and squeezed her eyes shut as the needle pinched her skin. He was injecting something into her veins. It was mere seconds before Sage felt a harsh burn coursing through her, making her adrenaline pump wildly and her head feel lighter. It felt like a rush, but her body went limp and her muscles relaxed. The pain _**was**_ gone. Her broken arm and head had stopped throbbing, and her breathing became shallow. Sage wanted to panic, but her body wouldn't let her. Her heart wanted to race as it usually did around Elliot, but her body was sluggish. She was screaming and crying on the inside, but, on the outside, she was drowsy, calm, and completely out of control.

"I want you to listen to me _**very**_ carefully," Elliot's voice was there but sounded distant. Sage blinked rapidly and groaned as he grabbed her chin and forced her to look at him. "Sage, listen! When we get to the hospital, if you can talk at all, you're going to back up whatever story I tell them, got it?" he spoke clearly and sternly, knowing she would never argue. Sage swallowed a few times before speaking.

"Y-yeah…"

* * *

Kendall paced the waiting room of the E.R. nervously with Katie and Karen sitting next to the path he was wearing into the floor. He had been waiting for over twenty minutes for any information on Sage, and he was giving the nurses exactly five more minutes before he freaked out. As the last seconds ticked away, Kendall ran to the main desk.

"_**Please**_, I need to see Sage Henderson. I have to know how she is. She had a head-"

"Are you family?" the nurse at the desk interrupted him quickly. Kendall shook his head.

"No, I _**told**_ you. I'm her boyfriend."

"I can't give out medical information just because you date her," the woman insisted, seeming annoyed by the boy's presence.

"You don't understand. I'm her - … She's my _**everything**_," Kendall couldn't seem to form the right words around his tight throat and rapidly beating heart. Usually, he could remain calm, but he felt as if he was going to crawl out of his skin.

"Excuse me?"

He turned to see a new nurse walking up from the back rooms and smiling at him.

"Are you Kendall Knight? Sage has been asking to see you…" the young woman spoke softly, a sympathy in her eyes that Kendall couldn't understand.

"Yes! Please take me to her!" Kendall begged as he waved his mother and Katie over to follow them.

The Knights were lead into a small examination room where Sage lay reclined in a hospital bed. She was hooked up to an I.V. and had a cast on her left arm. A bandage covered her temple and her skin was too pale.

"Holy shit… Sage, honey, I'm here," Kendall let his tears fall as he ran to her side. He immediately took her good hand into his own and kissed her face repeatedly. Sage smiled slightly and squeezed his hand, but only groaned when she tried to form words.

"What's wrong with her?" Katie asked from where she stood in Karen's arms against the wall.

"I don't know, Sweetie," Karen frowned and patted her hair as they watched Kendall whisper sweetly into Sage's ear while caressing the uninjured parts of her body.

They all turned to the open doorway when the doctor came in with Elliot right beside him. Kendall glared, and his jaw tightened. The only reason he didn't run at the man was because he refused to let Sage's hand go.

"Who are you? Are you family?" the doctor looked at the three new visitors.

"They can stay," Elliot insisted with a sickening smile at the doctor before any of the Knight family could speak. The doctor shrugged and went on with his assessment.

"Well, Mr. Henderson. Your daughter's arm should heal in a few weeks, and her head injuries aren't too serious. As for the heroin, the effects - "

"Heroin?" Kendall yelled, taking a step in Elliot's direction in the small room.

"It's a nasty habit…" the doctor shook his head solemnly.

With one look at the smug Elliot, Kendall knew what he had done.

"You son of a bitch!" Before anyone could react, Kendall felt all of his pent up anger boil over as he launched himself at Elliot. He punched him square in the jaw with all of his strength, sending the man stumbling backwards into the wall. Before Kendall could hit him a second time, hospital security restrained him with his arms behind his back. They had all been hovering around the room ever since one of Ramsey's _**finest**_ brought his daughter into the Emergency Room.

Kendall struggled against their hold and screamed wildly.

"Let go of me!" he thrashed against them as two men pulled him towards the door.

"Just escort him out guys. He's not in his right mind. I've seen him do drugs with my daughter," Elliot explained calmly, rubbing his quickly bruising jaw with his hand. It only made Kendall yell louder as Sage whimpered softly in her bed, unable to move much, but aware that something was happening.

"You should be ashamed of yourself. You won't get away with this forever," Karen hissed as she moved past Elliot with Katie. The man seemed to ignore her completely and instead focused his attention on the small brunette girl.

"Hey, sorry about your brother. It's Katie, right? You got any pets, Katie?" he asked snidely, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

Karen scoffed at the brutal man, fearing her daughter would burst into tears at the reference to their murdered dog, Blackjack, but the little girl only looked as pissed as Kendall had been. It seemed as if the ten-year-old was going to lunge at Elliot too. Karen simply pulled her away without another word and they followed Security out of the building.

Kendall was fighting against the numerous guards with anger and disbelief. He yelled to anyone who would listen that Elliot was a monster, but, as he was escorted out of the building, he finally understood a part of Sage he hadn't even realized he failed to grasp.

He always _**thought**_ he knew… thought he understood Sage's thought process in giving in to Elliot, but he didn't truly know until now…

He now knew how it felt to scream the truth at the top of your lungs and have no one hear you. As he was being dragged from the hospital, yelling, crying, and letting every emotion take full control of his body, he couldn't help but think that they might have committed him to the Psychiatric Ward if they weren't so intent on escorting him _**out**_ of the building. It all made him feel absolutely broken and hopeless. At least he had Sage to hold onto…

Hospital security took him outside the property line before heading back inside. Katie and Karen watch as Kendall groans and kicks a bench in frustration before he fixes his eyes on the door a dozen yards away. Elliot is coming towards them.

"Mom, take Katie to the car," Kendall instructed calmly, keeping his eyes glued to Elliot as he approached.

"Kendall - "

"I promise I won't do anything stupid…" he insisted with a half smile, trying to reassure Karen. He needed to have a few words with Elliot, but he couldn't have his baby sister near the man.

Karen nodded slowly before taking Katie's hand and leading her away towards the parking lot.

"You are so fucked up! What the hell is wrong with you? How could you do that to her?" Kendall asked loudly, making his hands into tight fists at his sides when Elliot stopped in front of him.

Kendall wouldn't know the details until later, but, with help from Sage, they'd know that Elliot left her alone while he went out to get heroin and inject her with it as a cover story for the Emergency Room. He claimed her dealer had beaten her up when she couldn't make a payment.

"I can do whatever the fuck I want with Sage. She's mi- … she's my daughter," Elliot insisted sternly, fumbling over his choice of words as he crossed his arms over his chest. He was usually so calm and calculated, but the entire night had thrown him for a loop. Kendall could make him feel out of control like no one else.

"You're sick," Kendall spat and shook his head.

"Maybe, but there's nothing you can do about it," Elliot shrugged before reaching into his pocket. "Here…"

Kendall watched as the man revealed Sage's silver necklace. Elliot studied it for a moment before chucking it harshly at Kendall's chest, watching it fall to the ground.

"Take this back. If I see it again, I'll strangle her with it." Elliot wasn't smirking like Kendall had always seen him do while he threatened them. This time, he looked dead serious and completely shut down except for a glaring hatred in his eyes for the blonde boy. It had Kendall trembling because he could no longer read the crazy man. Elliot had always been relatively unpredictable, but now it was as if Kendall was completely blind when it came to him.

Things are changing… Elliot's escalating, but what's the final goal? What is he leading up to? Why is he like this?

Kendall wordlessly picked up the pendant and held it tightly as Elliot walked back toward the hospital. The man took one look back and studied Kendall as the boy stared intently at the silver heart in his palm…

Sage is in love with Kendall Knight, and that's a problem. Elliot was very wrong… Kendall isn't a detour. He's definitely a roadblock; a glaring, inconvenient roadblock with bright flashing lights, dozens of orange cones, and a three-car police blockade.

There are no back roads. The only way of getting around it is barreling right through it. Elliot needs to reassess his plans…

* * *

**A/N: So, now you're getting more clues as to what type of person Elliot really is and the things he may have planned. You're getting a creepy vibe from him, right? You should be… Got any guesses? Please REVIEW ;D**

**Please REVIEW :D (I'll see you all next week for even MORE drama!)**

**Anonymous reviews are enabled so everyone can say hi! I love hearing from you guys :D**


	13. Big Time Birthday Bash

**A/N: Here's Chapter 13! :D A lot going on in this one…PLEASE REVIEW :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot.**

**IMPORTANT: Sage sings a song in this chapter that I say she wrote. It is called "6 Months" by Hey Monday (I don't own it ;) She plays it on the piano although the song is actually on the guitar. Use your imagination lol… The link is on my profile. Listen and enjoy :D**

**Also, go read Surfergal23 's Kendall/OC story called "Hooked".** **It's fantastic :)  
**

**This chapter is dedicated to the brilliant Surfergal23 because she shares her real birthday will Kendall's fictional one here lol :D Happy real and fake birthday! ;)**

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 13: BIG TIME BIRTHDAY BASH_

* * *

"Will you be my left hand?"

"Of course."

Kendall smiled brilliantly as he kissed Sage's smooth cheek and sat beside her at the piano in the living room, taking her injured hand and setting it comfortably into his lap with his fingers brushing delicately over the small amount of exposed flesh on her palm beyond the cast around her wrist. Elliot had only managed to fracture her arm when he sent her down the stairs over a month ago, and the cast would be off in two more days, but Sage insisted on playing for Kendall at this moment even if he had to help.

Sage shot Kendall a warm and adoring smile while she absentmindedly fiddled with the silver pendant hanging from her neck. It was the same heart with their initials that Kendall had given her on Valentine's Day. They knew Elliot never wanted to see it again, so Kendall held onto it, and Sage wore it every second that she was home with the Knights.

With one last kiss, the two lovers turned their attention back to the piano. Sage had set up a few pages of sheet music that she had written to help teach Kendall over the months, but he mostly came by it naturally and played by ear. He was a quick learner, just as Sage had been when her mother taught her at an early age. Kendall was made for music…

As they began playing together, he quickly recognized the tune as the same one Sage had played over half a year ago the first time she had ever stepped foot into his house and sat at the piano. She hadn't had lyrics for the song then, but she was ready now. Kendall was the most amazing inspiration she's ever had.

_**You're the direction I follow to get home  
When I feel like I can't go on you tell me to go  
And it's like I can't feel a thing without you around  
And don't mind me if I get weak in the knees  
Cause you have that effect on me  
You do  
**_

Sage's voice rang loud, confident, and clear, making Kendall glad he was sitting down. Every little thing she did blew him away, and her singing was no exception. Kendall, Katie, and Karen were the only ones to ever hear her voice like this, with her never having a reason to showcase her talent until they came along. Even if her legal address is her house with Elliot, her real home would always be with Kendall. He keeps her strong and gives her a reason to stay optimistic with every blow her stepfather delivers to her fragile body. When she's with him, Sage does her best to shut down, making it easier to block out the pain. Getting sad and angry would only make it worse. The Knight house, and the people in it, is her safe haven. It's where she can be human. She can talk, cry, laugh, and love…

_**Everything you say  
Every time we kiss I can't think straight  
But I'm okay  
And I can't think of anybody else  
Who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you  
**_

Sage can handle the beatings and the bruises. The real difficulty comes when she and Kendall have to separate on the days Elliot is home. He usually only had two days off a week, but, ever since Valentine's Day, he had decided on taking one more day off so that Sage was forced to spend the whole weekend with him. It was two straight days full of emotional and physical aches for her and Kendall that had nothing to do with being hit. Their separation was rough because they lived and breathed for each other. It was difficult to eat, sleep, and focus without one another, especially for Kendall.

He would spend every second fearing for his girlfriend's safety. Over the dreaded two day period, he sometimes used a hockey game or homework as a distraction, but nothing ever worked. He remained agitated and restless until he could see his lover again on Monday morning. Kendall and Sage were probably the only ones in town who looked forward to Mondays. They smile ecstatically at school while the rest of the students move around half asleep. The pair hadn't rested at all for two days, but the mere presence of one another was enough to keep them awake for a week.

_**Months going strong now and no goodbye  
Unconditional  
Unoriginal  
Always by my side  
Meant to be together  
Meant for no one but each other  
You love me  
I love you harder so…  
**_

It took a couple of months after the truth came out about Elliot for Sage to allow herself to believe that Kendall would always be around and that she wouldn't scare him off. It was an indescribable feeling to have someone see you at your absolute worst and only love you more for it. Sage had to leave him twice a week, but it was never a real goodbye. It was always a loving kiss and "I'll see you soon"… No one else was ever as constant and stable as Kendall in her chaotic life. The only other person she used to allow herself to count on was her mother, but even she chose to leave by way of death… but, Sage could feel it: Kendall was different. He truly loved her as she loved him, and he would never push her away. Sage and Kendall are in love forever. Nothing, not even Elliot, can take away the miracle they've found.

_**So please give me a hand  
So please give me a lesson on how to steal  
Steal a heart  
As fast as you stole mine  
As you stole mine**_

Kendall could make her feel… A small smile and a brush of their hands could have her heart racing in less than a second. They gave each other a natural high that was okay to be addicted to. Kendall gave her love that she had never known before. No one ever loved her like he did: completely and unconditionally with every tear, bruise, and smile. Each negative piece was sealed away with a kiss.

_**Oh and everything you say  
Every time we kiss I can't think straight  
But I'm okay  
And I can't think of anybody else  
Who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you**_

_**So please give me a hand  
So please just take my hand**_

Sage and Kendall stroked the last few keys of the sweet melody before silence fell over the room. As she turned to her boyfriend, Sage leaned in to kiss his neck softly, trailing her lips up slowly to meet his in a gentle caress.

"Happy Birthday, Kendall."

The day was Thursday, March 19th. He was now seventeen. Sage spoke against his lips with a smile before deepening the kiss. She climbed into his lap, with her cast settled between them, and his tongue met hers. As she pulled at his hair and moaned against him, Sage pulled back to look at him with a small smirk that he raised a brow at, wondering what she was up to.

"You know, if you leave after dinner, you can get there when the party starts," she told him hopefully with an overly enthusiastic smile.

"Sage..." Kendall whined and pressed his head into her chest in exasperation.

"Kendall…" she teasingly whined back, mocking his childish tone with a giggle.

This had been a conversation the pair had been having all week. The hockey team was throwing a party later in the evening to kick off Spring Break and celebrate their recent successes. Mostly, they were looking for any excuse to get trashed. Kendall saw no need to go, but Sage had been pushing the issue for days, thinking it would be good for him. He always spent all of his time with her and no one else.

"You should go. They're your teammates… They're your friends," Sage offered happily, settling down fully into the boy's lap with her good arm wrapped loosely around his neck.

"They aren't my friends," he corrected her quickly with a half-hearted glare.

"What about Dustin?" she shot back rapidly, already seeing his resolve crumbling bit by bit.

"He's not an ass…" Kendall admitted with a small shrug. Truthfully, he liked Dustin, but he never hung out with him or the rest of his team outside of school or practice.

"See! That's the start to any good acquaintanceship," Sage laughed lightly, poking him in the chest playfully as she bounced on his thighs.

"Why are you so bent on me going?" Kendall sighed and gave up the banter with a serious tone. Sage bit her lip before answering quietly.

"I feel like I'm holding you back. You'd be partying and have _**tons**_ of friends if you hadn't met me… We'll be Seniors next year, and I feel like I kinda wrecked you in this town…" she admitted sadly, still convinced that she had altered Kendall in some way. She didn't regret their relationship, but she wanted to do her best to make sure that he was living the full life he deserved.

"_**You**_ made this town worthwhile," Kendall assured her with a confident and gentle smile that always let her know he was being serious. She smiled back as their lips met once again.

Kendall kissed her deeply, running his tongue along hers skillfully and gliding his hands beneath her shirt to rest on her heated lower back. His lips slid along her jaw before settling onto her jugular, nipping and suckling softly, enjoying the taste of her pale skin. Sage gripped his hair tightly as she rocked against him and spoke with a smirk.

"So… that sorta means you owe me…"

Kendall groaned into her neck and knew that he wasn't going to win.

* * *

A few hours later, Kendall found himself at the very party he was avoiding. It felt wrong not being with Sage, especially on one of the nights they were supposed to be together, but she convinced him to give it a chance. It also helped that she promised him sexual favors if he just shut up and left… He didn't need much more convincing after his girlfriend had spoken to him with roaming hands and lips.

On the drive over, Kendall even talked himself into believing this might be a good experience for him, but, almost as soon as he arrived, he remembered why he never fit in with his peers in Ramsey, North Dakota… They were all too normal; too innocent, foolish, and ignorant to the real, dark, cruel world that they were a part of. Kendall has seen the darkness, and you can't pretend that is doesn't exist once you've been in the thick of it. In all honesty, he was a little jealous of the other teens, especially the young, blissful couples. He and Sage deserved that…

Kendall parked his car on the edge of the large and secluded property. The party location was on the outskirts of town on an abandoned plot of land. There was an old, condemned house that had never been torn down, and the teenagers of Ramsey declared it their official party house. The grass outside was already littered with garbage, random blue and red plastic cups contrasting with the green grass sprouting with the approaching spring season. Candles and lanterns illuminated the interior of the shabby gray house while the exterior was bright with the headlights of dozens of cars parked crookedly around the grass and dirt driveway set back almost a hundred yards from the main road and hidden in the surrounding forest.

As he moved through the crowd, receiving random greetings from his peers and teammates, Kendall could only think of Sage. He missed her, and his hands itched without her body against them. He made it up the porch and over the wide open threshold before his phone vibrated in his pocket.

_"Stop thinking about me and have fun!"_ Sage texted him. Kendall rolled his eyes and replied back quickly.

_"Fine! But I don't have to like it. I already see Caleb and Samantha glaring at me… You owe me big time. You're lucky I love you ;D"_

Kendall saw no need in lying. She could always tell anyway. It only took less than a minute for her to reply.

_"The luckiest… I love you too :)"_

Kendall smiled softly, wishing he could kiss Sage, as he slipped his phone back into his jeans, keeping his agitated hands tucked deep in his pockets. He surveyed the open room around him. It seemed as if, with all of the exposed beams and broken drywall, the first floor used to be many smaller rooms but was now one, big, dirty space. The stairs were blocked by piles of wood, everyone agreeing that partying on the second floor of a condemned house would be a bad idea. Caleb Glickman, Samantha Carson, and all of their minions stood near a blazing fireplace guzzling alcohol like they needed it to survive. Kendall snickered to himself. With Caleb's bitch of a mother and Samantha's generally shitty attitude, maybe they did _**need**_ it… Maybe all of these teens around him coped with life in different ways: alcohol, drugs, sex… Kendall was grateful that he had -

"You're missing Sage, aren't you?" Dustin suddenly appeared beside him with a friendly smirk, wordlessly handing Kendall a water bottle, knowing that, like himself, the boy preferred not to partake in the more dangerous aspects of partying.

"Thanks…" Kendall smiled and took the cold bottle into his fidgeting hands, "… How did you know?" He asked curiously. Dustin seemed to be a naturally calm and perceptive guy, but Kendall didn't think he was being that obvious.

"You got that same goofy look on your face you always have when we're on the ice and you look up at her in the stands," he laughed and swept the brown hair away from his eyes as he took a sip from his own water bottle. Kendall laughed and shrugged, only amused that he wasn't as good at hiding it as he thought. There are worse things to be bad at…

"I just hate spending time away from her," he admitted sheepishly, tossing the bottle back and forth between his restless hands, trying to occupy his mind with something else other than the beautiful blonde girl.

"You act like you see her all the time. It's not like she lives with you," Dustin joked, punching his arm playfully.

"Yeah…" Kendall laughed nervously and shook his head. Everyone knew that he and Sage were unnaturally close, but no one knew of their unconventional living arrangements.

"Just try to have fun, Man," Dustin shook his shoulders to amp him up, echoing Sage's earlier words. Before Kendall had time to even consider letting loose, Caleb and Samantha were sauntering over, the sea of party goers parting for them as if they were gods and not two bitter, drunk, promiscuous teenagers.

"Hey, Knight. I'm surprised you showed. You've never partied with us before," Caleb sneered with a tight smile as he slung an unfriendly arm over Kendall's shoulders.

"Well, Caleb, there's a first time for everything," he told him between clenched teeth and a forced smile, slipping away from him.

Ever since their first day on the team together, Kendall and Caleb hated each other. Kendall wanted to hit him for the boy's comments about Sage and his generally cocky attitude, and Caleb despised Kendall's skill. Before Kendall moved to town, he was king, but now he had competition. Their relationship hadn't gotten any better over time, especially after Karen told Mrs. Glickman off after the first night he and Sage made love all those months ago. The daily interactions between the two had boiled down to fake comments and sarcasm. They remain civil and tolerate each other for the sake of their only common goal: winning. The team needed both of its best players.

"You want a beer, Buddy?" Caleb laughed at the term dripping with venom as he shoved a red cup in Kendall's face.

"I'm good. Thanks," he responded quickly, finally opening his water and taking a drink. Caleb rolled his eyes and muttered something about 'goody-two-shoes' as he drank the contents of the cup himself.

"So, Kendall, where's your girlfriend? Did you finally cut her loose?" Samantha spoke up with a sinful smile as she all but threw herself into his arms. Kendall cleared his throat in annoyance and took a glance at Dustin, who stood beside him seeming amused at the girl's forcefulness despite Kendall's obvious lack of interest. Caleb was busy drinking his third beer.

"Hello, Samantha, you're looking desperate as usual," Kendall smiled happily and stepped away from her clinging hands, her touch instantly making his skin feel dirty… He just wanted to get home now. "Sage is home, and we're still very much in love. Thanks for asking," he added snappily, keeping a tight smirk on his features.

The dark haired girl scowled and shot him a nasty glare before finding entertainment in Caleb, who she apparently considered second best, but would settle for every time Kendall turned down her advances. He watched the disturbing couple make out in a drunken mess, and then groaned and turned to Dustin.

"Well, this was a failed experiment. I'm gonna get out of here and see Sage," Kendall waved quickly and turned to head outside.

"Have fun!" Dustin chuckled at the blonde and waved back.

"Now, _**that**_ I can handle," Kendall smirked, walking backwards as he spoke until he made it to the porch. This party was just not where he was supposed to be. He belonged with Sage and his family. They were probably all watching reality television and eating popcorn in the living room right now, and nothing seemed as appealing to Kendall as cuddling next to Sage on the sofa until it was time to go to bed together.

Kendall made it down the several crooked steps before stopping in his tracks. The blaring music coming from the numerous parked cars was suddenly drowned out by police sirens. He could see two squad cars approaching the property from about a quarter of a mile away. They were driving recklessly down the dirt path, the blue and red lights flashing angrily through the night sky.

"It's the cops! Every man for himself!"

He heard Caleb yell loudly, sending all of the teens into a frenzy. All of the party goers rushed out of the house and into the cars and surrounding woods, most of them drunk or high and unwilling to get caught.

"See you later, Kendall!" Dustin moved by him at a slower pace, but still flowed with the crowd rushing to leave. It wasn't even a full minute before all the music and voices were gone. Only the sirens remained.

Kendall should have left like everyone else, but something inside him had him staying where he was. He was literally the only person standing still as the squad cars screeched to a stop. Two officers emerged from the first car. Kendall didn't recognize either one of them, but his blood ran cold as the other cops exited the second car. It was none other than Elliot Henderson walking slightly in front of his partner Scott Taylor, the same man who had come to take Sage away in the middle of the night.

"Keep moving," Elliot spoke to one of the last random teens rushing by them. He grabbed the beer from the boy's hand and pushed him away as he kept his dark eyes on Kendall the whole time. He looked entirely too happy to see the blonde.

This was the first time Kendall had seen Sage's stepfather since the hospital after Valentine's Day, and he couldn't seem to make himself look away. He was glued to the ground with an odd mixture of fear, anger, and adrenaline as Elliot and the other three officers approached him.

"What do we have here?" one of the unknown men questioned playfully, nudging his bald partner with his elbow as they both looked over to Elliot, who seemed to be having a silent conversation with Scott, both of them wearing matching smirks in the quiet exchange.

"Looks like a golden opportunity to me," Elliot smiled wickedly as he stood in front of Kendall, his three friends staying back for now.

"What do you want, Elliot?" Kendall asked angrily, crossing his arms over his chest, all of the fear being replaced by the pure hatred he felt for the man.

"What I _**want**_, Kendall Knight, is to teach you a valuable lesson. You've caused nothing but trouble for my family since you moved to town, and I don't think it's fair that you've gone unpunished. What do you guys think?" Elliot asked his friends cheekily, barely looking over his shoulder at the trio.

"We've got your back, Ell," one of the strangers responded confidently, tilting his chin in his direction. Elliot narrowed his dark eyes further, glaring at Kendall with a sadistic smile as he nodded at his friends in thanks.

This wasn't the Elliot, who was unhinged and edgy, that Kendall had seen at the hospital. This was the Elliot Henderson that everyone else saw: full of pretense and acting with every breath he took. It was all for show, and the man deserved an Oscar. Kendall wanted to laugh at how ridiculous it was; how every person in the small town fell for it so hard despite the demon running their community in disguise as a god…

Beyond Elliot, Scott Taylor looked fiercely loyal and determined, like he was Robin to Elliot's Batman. Officer Taylor summed up every one of Ramsey's views of loyalty and honor towards Elliot. He was the man's best friend and partner. They spent almost every hour of their time together, risking their lives for each other on the job. If Scott didn't see the truth, why would anyone else?

Kendall watched the smaller glaring man over Elliot's shoulder with interest. Scott looked about thirty years old, like Elliot, but had maintained a certain boyish innocence and charm. It's what let Kendall know that a piece of the man remained real and untainted. Elliot had done a good job molding him. He must lie and act with him all the time because Scott doesn't look broken after his time with Elliot like Sage does. He seems like a warrior who looks up to the beloved Elliot. As Officer Taylor decorated his serene features with an evil smile to match his partners', Kendall silently prayed for the sanity of the man, and his family, that he would find a new role model.

"So, this is how it's gonna play out…" Elliot walked dangerously close to Kendall, peering down at the rigid blonde who was still keeping his face emotionless, "… We came to break up this out of control party and found you completely _**intoxicated**_ and belligerent," he paused and chuckled as he took the confiscated cup in his hand and tossed the contents onto Kendall's clothes. Before Kendall could open his mouth or move, Elliot had him by the collar of his jacket. "You were resisting us… It's four respected cops' words against a troubled teen boy's… I suggest you absorb what I'm telling you into your thick skull and say you got mugged. I don't think you want more trouble…" Elliot's final words to Kendall were laced with double meaning, as most of his actions were in the public eye. Kendall knew he was subliminally threatening Sage if Kendall ratted him out, and the boy stood his ground, gladly willing to take a hit for the girl he loved.

Kendall didn't even have time to register the movement before Elliot's fist connected with his face for the first time, instantly splitting his lip. Kendall stumbled from the blow, recovering quickly and lunging for Elliot only to be knocked to the ground by another punch. This time it was from Scott… Kendall was lying in the grass as he was repeatedly kicked in the ribs, the blows alternating between each of his sides. Elliot was on his left and Scott stood to his right. Kendall coughed and sucked air into his empty lungs harshly as he curled in on himself instinctively, able to tell from his hockey career that he definitely had a few busted ribs. Elliot and Scott were giving him a second in order to watch him writhe on the cold ground.

The other two nameless officers stood off in the distance, leaning against their car in amusement, mostly there for support and to present a united front. These guys think they're sticking up for the Hendersons. They don't know any better, and believe Kendall is the typical bad boy that has wrecked Sage even more since he came to town. To everyone who doesn't know him, Kendall is that teenage punk who ruins everyone's innocent and impressionable daughters with drugs and reckless behavior. They think that, by allowing Kendall to get beaten up, they are protecting Sage, perhaps even saving her, but they're only making it worse by falling for Elliot's perfectly crafted tricks.

All of these police officers are abusing their power over Kendall, but they have no idea of the nuclear proportions Elliot's taking it to. Kendall only realizes he's laughing when Scott speaks to him.

"Why the hell are you laughing?" he sneers as Elliot watches on in interest when he kicks Kendall harshly until he's lying on his back.

"I feel sorry for you," Kendall admitted with a breathless smile, hissing as the cold air entered his bruised body. He pitied these men who had no clue about Elliot. They followed him like lap dogs when he couldn't care less about anyone but himself.

"For us? This guy _**is**_ nuts," Scott shook his head in disbelief while looking at Elliot, obviously having heard many false stories from Officer Henderson. Kendall only laughed harder at Scott's words. He thought Kendall was a lunatic, but his precious partner was the epitome of crazy.

"How ironic," Kendall chuckled aloud and attempted to lift himself up only to be kicked back down by Elliot and then Scott as the other two men laughed at the display.

Kendall took every strike happily. The pain isn't a big deal to him. If Elliot thinks this will make him want to leave Sage alone, he's dead wrong… He loves her even more. In a sick and twisted way, Kendall liked feeling it; feeling the pain that only Sage had gone through, now knowing what she had to endure. Even though he knew it was illogical, he felt as if he took every hit _**for **_Sage so that she wouldn't experience it herself. The pain doesn't matter to him. It feels right to be connected to her in yet another way. Any darkness will always be worth the light she brings to him…

"I think we're good here…" Elliot speaks coldly, gesturing for Scott to back away, leaving a good distance between Elliot and Kendall and the other three men by the cars.

Kendall lay flat on the grass, struggling to catch his breath as Elliot leaned over him. The tall brunette smirked before suddenly stomping down on Kendall's outstretched arm with crushing force. The boy could feel his wrist crack beneath the weight as he screamed in agony, the air rushing sharply through his lungs.

"Be careful, Kendall… I'm _**always**_ around, and I'm losing my patience with you. Just ask Sage what happens when I lose my temper," he whispered quietly as he crouched down beside the groaning blonde.

"Fuck you," Kendall muttered and pushed Elliot weakly with his good hand. The man only chuckled darkly, stumbling a bit before regaining his balance.

"Have a good night, Kendall…" he smiled sarcastically and stood to step over the boy's bruised body and toward his squad car before turning around suddenly.

Kendall glared at him as he sat up slowly, watching the red and blue lights flash around the man's imposing frame. Elliot spoke with confidence, displaying his knowledge about everything and everyone.

"Happy fuckin' Birthday."

* * *

Sage rushed with Katie and Karen down the too familiar corridors of Ramsey General Hospital toward Kendall's room. He had called them after he drove himself to the hospital, assuring Sage that everything was fine and it wasn't that bad. She wasn't going to believe it until she saw it.

Elliot got to him… Elliot _**hit**_ him. Her stepfather was _**never**_ abusive towards anyone else other than her. It's a pain she had grown accustomed to and one that she never wanted Kendall to experience.

Sage entered his room with tears in her eyes, but sighed in relief. He was sitting there with a genuine smile on his face despite his bloody lip, wrapped torso, and the cast on his lower arm.

"Hey, Baby, I'm okay. Don't cry…" Kendall frowned and held his uninjured arm out to her. She let out a shaky breath and rushed toward him, climbing onto the bed carefully to lay beside him with her arm wrapped loosely around his injured ribs. He kissed the top of her head sweetly and smoothed her blonde hair as her silent tears fell onto his neck. This time, he was the one with the bruised face and broken body, but, somehow, he was still the one comforting her… He was always so strong for her…

"I was so scared," Sage admitted as she calmed down and pulled away to smile softly at him, her fingers grazing the nasty bruise on his face with a depressed fascination.

"I told you I was okay on the phone," Kendall laughed weakly, kissing her forehead firmly.

"I know… It's just -"

"I get it," Kendall stopped her with a soothing hug, knowing the fear she felt. It was the same feeling that coursed through him the night she called and told him Elliot was taking her to the hospital. It's a paralyzing fear that makes your heart stop and your mind race with thoughts of your own death in a matter of seconds, knowing one of them wouldn't ever survive without the other.

"Look, we match," Kendall smiled and broke the tension by raising his cast to rest right beside hers and over his torso. "Do you think they'll let me play hockey?"

"Your ass is gonna be warming the bench," she giggled and kissed his cheek, letting her lips linger against his smooth skin before pulling back with a half-hearted smirk. If Kendall wanted to be optimistic and happy, then that was what Sage would let him be.

* * *

"He's out like a light," Sage told Karen as she entered the dimly lit kitchen and sat beside her at the counter.

The pain medication the doctors prescribed Kendall had him asleep in minutes, and Sage tucked him in before putting a restless Katie to bed. She and Karen sat sipping tea to calm their nerves. Karen had taken everything surprisingly well, keeping her beautiful smile in the face of everything negative thrown at her. Now, Sage knew where Kendall got his bold determination and optimism.

When their cups were empty, Sage washed them in the sink as Karen flipped through a large stack of mail.

"Wow, I don't believe it…" she sighed as she scanned a letter.

"What's wrong?" Sage turned quickly, not sure she could handle anymore bad news. What she did receive, however, would be subject to debate…

"My Great Aunt Margaret passed away… We lived with her in Minnesota for a few years after Kevin died and we had to sell our own home before moving around a lot… She left us the house," Karen shook her head in disbelief, "I guess I better get in contact with the lawyer so they can start getting ready to sell it. This way we - "

"Maybe you should take it," Sage interjected with racing thoughts. She blinked rapidly and braced her hands on the countertop beside Karen.

"Excuse me?" Karen looked around the room with a wary smile as if Sage was playing a trick on her. The blonde girl licked her lips and shook her head before looking the woman right in the eyes.

"You should move back to Minnesota… It's getting too dangerous here."

"Sage, we won't leave you -"

"_**Please**_, Karen, just give it some real thought. It might be what's best for your family. Kendall got hurt. Elliot can't touch him in Minnesota…" Sage blinked away her tears. The idea of separating from Kendall was enough to make her entire body ache, but Kendall had been sacrificing so much for her… She feels so selfish… It's time to be selfless… "Don't tell Kendall until you know what your final decision is."

"Why?" Karen whispered in shock, her mind over flowing with all the possibilities; everything that came with deciding to leave or choosing to stay… What's best?

"Because he'll talk you out of it," Sage smiled breathlessly, thinking of Kendall's brilliant way with words. He'd be a great politician if he wasn't so into hockey and music. "Just consider it, okay? If you decide to take the house, then bring it up. If you choose to stay, then we'll just pretend we never had this conversation," Sage assured her, trying to make her feel comfortable with the amount of sudden pressure on her shoulders.

"O-Okay…" the woman nodded weakly, glancing back at the letter in her hands.

"Goodnight, Karen," Sage whispered gently, hugging her and kissing her auburn hair, letting Karen silently know that she wouldn't hate her if she decided to leave.

Sage would accept whatever Karen decided was best, whether it be staying or going. As she entered their bedroom and looked at Kendall's injured body lying motionless on the bed, Sage didn't even know which decision to hope for…

She climbed into bed beside him and laid her head against his chest. She felt his breathing falter for a second as he hugged her tightly to his body and kissed the top of her head.

"I love you," he whispered happily, settling back into his pillow with his hand resting securely on her hip.

"I love you too," she whispered back and placed her lips on the tight skin of his chest.

Sage fell asleep counting every precious beat of his heart.

* * *

**A/N: There are BIG TIME changes coming ;D… I'm sensing a cute trio of boys in our future… What do you think will happen?**

**Please REVIEW :D I need your opinion: I update every Saturday, and this year that means updating on Christmas. I have NO problem with this lol I just want to see if you guys would actually be here to read and if I should wait until Sunday. I already know what the chapter is gonna be about, and it's MAJOR :D Definitely important. So, let me know what you guys want… Mostly I'm concerned with my anonymous people (fangirl, Wendy, addicted…and others who haven't reviewed) that just check in and don't have this on alert :)**

**Anonymous reviews are enabled so everyone can say hi! I love hearing from you guys. It always makes me smile no matter what :D Just click on the little blue button down there and type away :)  
**


	14. Big Time Changes

**A/N: Here's Chapter 14! :D This chapter is very dialogue driven. I like how it turned out :) and the next one is gonna be, I think, epic ;D…PLEASE REVIEW :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot.**

**Suggestion: Take a look at Surfergal23 's Kendall/OC story called "Hooked".** **It's absolutely amazing. We both update on Saturday nights… Which means CHRISTMAS :D… Trust me when I say, both her story and my story are going to have interesting updates on the holiday ;D**

**THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, for all of the reviews, alerts, favorites and to those of you who come on every week to read. You all make the hard work worth it, and keep me inspired :D**

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 14: BIG TIME CHANGES_

* * *

It's been four weeks.

That's two weeks of high anxiety, one week of acceptance, and one week of finally moving on and nearly forgetting the conversation with Karen.

Sage had waited with heightened anticipation, which she had to hide from Kendall, for so long before nearly giving up on the idea of the Knights moving to Minnesota. Karen hadn't said a single word to her about it since the evening of Kendall's horrific seventeenth birthday, and she was sure that it meant Mrs. Knight had made her decision. They weren't moving, and Sage couldn't decide if she should have been content within the last week, or if she should be more afraid than ever…

It was a Thursday morning when all of Sage's new found expectations were shattered; making her realize that, with either choice Karen made, she would be a tragic mix of frightened and relieved…

"Why won't you let me sign your cast?" Katie whined to her brother for the hundredth time in the last few weeks and only received a dismissive chuckle in response.

"I'm not letting you anywhere near me with a permanent marker, Katie. When Sage had her cast, you wrote that I was a loser," Kendall glared halfheartedly at his little sister as Sage giggled beside him.

"I remember the good old days when you were more gullible," Katie mumbled dejectedly as she ate a spoonful of her sugary cereal.

"Kendall, you should let her deface it now. It's coming off in three days anyway," Sage suggested, sipping her orange juice with a smirk at her boyfriend, knowing a playful scowl was coming her way for siding with Katie.

"Where's Mom? I need someone sane to back me up," Kendall joked, spinning around in his stool at the kitchen counter with a piece of bacon in his hand as he scanned the room for Karen.

"She's on the phone. Just give in, Sweetie… Katie always wins," Sage insisted, winking at the little brunette on the other side of Kendall's body.

"Not today she doesn't," he declared sticking his tongue out at his sibling before abruptly putting it back into his mouth when he saw her hold up a black pen. "Put it down, Katie!"

"Hold still, Big Bro…" she laughed wickedly, lunging for his cast-covered forearm.

Kendall cried out dramatically in protest as Sage draped one arm over his shoulder and the other around his waist from behind to keep him in place. This is the position Karen found the three of them in when she entered the room with a serious expression. Kendall was squirming halfheartedly in Sage's grasp with a smile on his face while Katie was practically in his lap, trying to write on his moving arm. She hated to ruin the family moment…

"Is everyone done eating?" she asked, forcing her usual cheery demeanor onto her face and trying to ignore her oncoming tears and headache. The phone call she had just finished would change all of their lives…

"No, I'm still _**starving**_ because the girls are ganging up on me…" Kendall laughed and ruffled Katie's hair, knowing it would annoy her, and laced his good hand with one of Sage's on top of the counter as the trio broke apart. Karen smiled softly when her son kissed her daughter's cheek with a slight shove, and Katie bumped fists with Sage behind the boy's back. They were all so happy together…

"Listen, guys, there's something I have to tell you…" Karen started nervously, making herself busy by taking Katie's bowl and placing it in the sink with her glass.

"What is it, Mom?" Kendall was immediately concerned by her expression. He and Katie shared wary glances, and he squeezed Sage's hand a bit harder.

"About a month ago, I got a letter in the mail…" Karen started, and Sage sucked in a harsh breath, biting her lip and locking eyes with the woman for just a moment as she continued, "… My Great Aunt Margaret died, and she, uh… she left us the house in Minnesota…"

"And…?" Katie coaxed nervously, her brother staring wide-eyed and holding his breath beside her.

"We're moving at the end of next month. I've talked to your school, and they've agreed to let you take your exams early," Karen explained gently, watching Kendall's face cautiously. She had a job all set up in Minnesota as long as she could start by the end of May. Kendall wouldn't even get to finish his school year here. They wouldn't be around for Sage's birthday…

"Are you kidding?" Kendall yelled, standing up from his seat abruptly and holding Sage's hand so tightly that his knuckles were turning white. She squeezed back with just as much energy, while Kendall looked like he was going to kill someone.

"I think she's serious…" Katie whispered sadly beside him, her eyes not leaving her mother's conflicted expression.

"We can't leave! What about -" Kendall stopped suddenly when he turned to face his girlfriend. She was staring at the counter with glazed eyes and wouldn't move an inch, letting him drag her arm through the air as he gestured wildly with their connected hands.

Kendall's voice grew soft and stern, and he blinked rapidly as he held his breath.

"Why don't you look surprised?" he spoke every word clearly, easily reading her emotions. She wasn't in shock. She was nervous and scared in the same way she was when they walked down the crowded halls in school.

"Kendall…" her word only came out as a strangled whisper when she looked up at him.

"No, do _**not**_ say my name like that…" he begged angrily. The last time he heard it pass her lips in that tone was the night he found out the vicious truth about Elliot, and their lives changed forever… "What's going on?"

"It was my idea… I told Karen to take the house…" Sage admitted, sounding sure of herself but also as if she were going to break at any moment.

"I don't understand," he took his hand from Sage's in frustration, despite the physical and emotional pain the action brought on.

"Come on, Katie. Let's talk upstairs," Karen guided her young daughter out of the room with one last look at the mounting tension between the two teenagers in the kitchen.

Kendall paced to the other side of the silent room as Sage slowly slid off of her stool. He crossed his arms in front of his chest, trying to keep himself calm, but his entire body felt like it was on fire with rage and confusion. He had moved around a lot in the last seven years and had never found anything worth staying for; but, now, he's happy and whole for the first time since his childhood in Minnesota with James, Carlos, and Logan.

They've built a life in Ramsey with Sage, and it's not perfect, but it's _**theirs**_. Now, it's all falling apart…

"What the hell is happening here?" he asked as calmly as he could, failing to hide an angered growl in the process. "Remember what I told you that night?" he continued as she remained silent, referring to the evening several months ago when he first took Sage away from the abusive Elliot. "I said that you wouldn't be able to change my feelings or push me away no matter what you did…"

"That's not what I'm trying to do," Sage answered weakly, shaking her head as she approached him. Kendall couldn't understand the logical thinking behind her decision. He thought she was trying to push him away after his birthday beating, but, in actuality, she was trying to do the exact opposite. She was trying to hold onto him…

"Then enlighten me, Sage! What the fuck are you thinking? Why would you send me away? We can't live without each other!" Kendall screamed it like the fact that it was. He could understand his mother wanting them to leave, but Sage was supposed to be the one he could always count on to agree with him. It was as if they were the same person, but now they were conflicting for the first time.

"That's exactly why I want you to move… I wouldn't be able to go on living if something happened -" Sage started, fighting back her own tears and raising her voice to a normal level.

"I told you I was fine!" Kendall exclaimed, throwing his arms in the air before settling them back at his sides. Sage glared, surprising him, and took two long strides to close the distance between them.

"This…" she paused to grab his cast tightly in her hand, "… is _**not**_ fine. Elliot and Scott beating the shit out of you and fracturing your ribs- " Sage stopped again to jab a finger into his freshly healed side to make her point clear, "- is not _**fine**_! We have to do this Kendall… I have to let you go. We've been playing with our lives recklessly from the start. We have to listen to our brains for once -"

"My brain is telling me that this is a terrible, ridiculous idea!" Kendall insisted, pushing past her as he raised his voice at his girlfriend for the first time in their entire relationship. Sage was relieved to find that it didn't scare her, but only made her want to gather him into her arms and never let go. Kendall was acting out of frustration and shock. "I can't protect you if I'm six hours away…" he added weakly with a vigorous shake of his head, still not giving in. He braced his hand on the countertop and bent down at his waist, trying to catch his breath while it felt like all of the air was being sucked out of the room and the walls were going to fall in on them both.

"You've been protecting me ever since you came to town. Let me take care of you…" Sage approached his shaking form slowly, reaching out to place a hand on his trembling shoulders.

"All you're doing is hurting me!" Kendall yelled wildly and shrugged away from her touch… He knew that he would give in to logic and reasoning if she calmed him down. After all these months of stress, he needed this… He needed to scream and cry like the child he wished he could be, and Sage knew it. She sighed and crossed her arms as he moved to the opposite counter, keeping a distance between them. She realized that she couldn't coddle him. She and Kendall always told each other the truth and left nothing out. So, the truth is what she was going to give him, whether he was prepared to hear it or not.

"Did you know that, after the night he put you into the hospital, all Elliot did was brag about it? He fuckin' _**loved**_ it, Kendall. He wants to do it again, probably more than he wants to hit me…" Sage told him bitterly, not liking that he didn't think his life was as important as hers.

"I can handle Elliot -"

"No one can handle Elliot. All you can do is survive through what he dishes out. I've done it for years, and he cares about me in his own way. What he _**doesn't **_care about is you or your family. Elliot has no boundaries!" Sage screamed angrily while Kendall stood there with a scowl, refusing to meet her gaze. "He sent you to the Emergency Room. He broke into this house, murdered Blackjack in cold blood and set him on fire for us to find right before Christmas! What's keeping him from moving on to Karen and Katie?" Sage drove straight to her main point, watching as Kendall's eyes finally snapped to hers from where he leaned against the counter.

"Stop -"

"I'm not gonna stop because the truth scares you, Kendall… It scares me too, but one of us has to acknowledge it. This is what's best in the long run," she explained with a softer voice and sad eyes, inching closer to his body cautiously.

"I have no future without you!" Kendall ran a hand through his hair, tugging it a little as he stared at the ground.

"This is _**for**_ our future. I'm legally free of Elliot the day I turn eighteen. He won't be able to force me back there anymore, but what then? We'll live in the same town as him?" Sage questioned him, knowing he never thought that far ahead, and, truthfully, she hadn't either until the letter arrived in the mail.

They had always tried to focus on making it through each new day as it came because they never knew what stress Elliot would bring to their lives next. Now, they could have control. Kendall rolled his eyes as she fought him with logic. He didn't want to give in...

"You have to move while you can, and I'll be there in a year. Go, be happy, and wait for me… This is our opportunity for safety _**now**_. A house in the place you love with Logan, James, and Carlos is just sitting there waiting for you," Sage continued softly, finally standing right in front of him.

"I don't want you making these sacrifices for me…" Kendall pleaded in a whisper, still shaking his head and refusing to look up at her, but his hand was practically screaming for him to reach out and touch her just once.

"This isn't just for you, Kendall. Katie is the sister I've never had, and Karen is the mother I've always needed… I can't risk them… _**We**_ can't risk our _**family**_," Sage let her tears fall and raised her hand to cautiously caress his cheek, noticing he looked like he was ready to run or cry any second.

"I'm not leaving you," he insisted angrily, sharpening his features and bringing his body into an upright position as if trying to dare her to fight him on it. Kendall didn't intimidate her…

"You have no choice… Karen and I are choosing for you. You're too caught up in our relationship and not thinking -"

"How is leaving you here, unprotected, okay at all?" Kendall asked loudly, desperate for an answer that would solve this. He just wanted to start the whole morning over again and stay in bed with Sage. She shook her head vigorously and stood straight up to look him right in the eyes.

"None of this is _**okay**_, Kendall! It never has been, and it never will be. It's just deciding what's best between two shitty options. If you stay, four of us could get hurt. If you go, it leaves only one," Kendall started to protest her statement, but she kept going, "I'm not asking you to give me up for them. I _**need**_ you… I'm just asking you to wait for me," she whispered hoarsely, wiping a tear from her eye.

At any other time it would have killed him to see her cry because of him, but Kendall couldn't take her into his arms and tell her everything was going to be alright, because they both knew for a fact that it wouldn't be. Kendall had heard the small phrase several times in his short life: "We're moving." It had never carried as much weight as it did now since they left Minnesota when he was ten years old. Leaving James, Logan, and Carlos behind was almost as hard as losing his dad. They were his family; the ones he could go to with anything, and then he was alone again for so long. It may not have been obvious to anyone else but her, but, when he found Sage, he was just as broken and lost as she had been. Whether it was fate or coincidence that brought the two teenagers together, they were finally happy; Kendall for the first time in a long while and Sage for one of the first times ever. Now, after he found something that gave his life meaning and purpose again, it was being taken away.

"Fuck!" he screamed as everything boiled over in his mind and in his heart. Kendall grabbed a plate from the sink and threw it across the room with all of the strength he had left, sending ceramic shards crashing to the ground after the initial impact with the wall.

Sage jumped at his sudden outburst, but she had been expecting him to snap. Kendall always kept everything under control and used optimism to keep life bearable, but, sometimes, he had to lose it. He had to give in… He sobbed once, choking on the air as it invaded his lungs, and tears fell from his squinting eyes. He squeezed the edge of the sink tightly and slammed his cast onto the counter, now mad he had ever gotten it. Everything, including his emotions, was out of control. She tried to touch his back, but he shrugged her away. He didn't want to go down without a fight. Kendall Knight does not give up…

"I have to think of a way out of this. We can't leave…" he insisted, almost trying to reassure himself. Sage took a shaky breath and closed her eyes for a calming moment before touching him despite his body language.

"All we're doing is going around in circles, and you're not getting any more calm about this," she pressed her body against his stiff side and kissed his cheek gently, letting her lips linger as she felt him relax just a little bit, but not fully. She brushed his hair between her fingers and whispered as she watched his blank stare into the sink, "I love you… I'm leaving so you can calm down."

She left no time for him to argue. Sage sounded absolutely sure of herself as she turned around without another word. Kendall heard the front door shut and tightened his grip on the edge of the sink. He almost laughed in disbelief at how confident and secure she'd become. He felt a strong sense of pride for her, but new tears formed at the thought of her losing her spirit if he wouldn't be around anymore. As he breathed deeply, Kendall wanted to run after her and take her into his arms, but he also wanted to yell and scream.

Kendall's tears fall slowly; at the same pace his world seems to be crumbling around him. He needs to do what he does best: find a solution and formulate a plan.

"Katie…" his sister's name falls from his lips in a whisper. That little girl loves Sage, and she's always had his back. She could help.

Kendall rushed out of the kitchen, wiping the tears from his eyes and stepping over the shattered plate on the ground. He climbed the stairs two at a time and rushed in a straight path for his sister's room. Just as he stopped in front of the door, Karen came through it and out into the hallway.

"I can't even talk to you right now…" Kendall glared and tried to move past her. He had always had a close relationship with his mom, but it felt like she had betrayed him.

"I'm sorry, Kend -"

"If you were that sorry, you'd change your mind… _**Please**_ change your mind," his anger was replaced with a rapid depression as he begged her.

"I won't, Sweetheart. We're moving in a month, and that's my final decision," Karen admitted sadly, but firmly.

"I can't believe you're really doing this!" his anger was back; his emotions fluctuating faster than before, trying to keep up with his own mind, "I thought you loved Sage and -"

"Don't you _**dare**_ imply that I don't care about that girl! I know you're upset right now, but don't tell me how I feel. I love Sage like she's one of my own. She's part of this family, Kendall. She practically lives here full time, and it's not because I just tolerate it. I _**want**_ her here… I was going to sell that house in Minnesota until Sage asked me not to. I thought she was crazy, and that's why it took me four weeks to come to a decision…" Karen tried to get him to understand.

"You never even talked to me about it…" Kendall defended weakly, unable to meet her eyes. It felt like everyone was against him and the world had spun upside down.

"I know you're a young man now, but I'm still your mother, and that means I have to do what's best for you even if you don't agree…" Karen explained gently, rubbing his shoulder while she cried silently.

"Whatever…" Kendall whispered angrily, shrugging away from her desperately. He turned to Katie's door and opened it without knocking, slamming it shut behind him.

The young brunette was sitting at the top of her bed with her legs folded beneath her and a pillow in her lap. It seemed as if she had been crying; her eyes rimmed with red and tear tracks on her cheeks, but she gave him a gentle smile as he rushed to jump onto her bed with a newly found enthusiasm. Katie would always help him…

"Do you have any plans yet? We're gonna need something good because Sage is confused, and Mom seems sure - " he stopped short when Katie shook her head slowly.

"Sage isn't confused… and we're moving back to Minnesota," she spoke clearly, knowing she was delivering bad news. The last bit of hope died in her brother's green eyes.

"Not you too!" Kendall groaned and slammed his fist into the bed beneath him. "You're really giving in?"

"If Mom and Sage think it's a good idea, then maybe it's what's best for all of us…" Katie offered solemnly. She had heard Kendall and Sage yelling downstairs, and knew he wasn't convinced yet.

"You're all crazy," Kendall whispered, playing with the hem of his shirt as a new batch of tears threatened to spill over. He was losing the battle… His fight was fading…

"And you're acting like an asshole," Katie's voice was confident and slightly annoyed as she folder her arms over her chest.

"Language," Kendall quietly scolded without even looking at her.

"Attitude," she shot right back, reprimanding him for his wild behavior.

Sometimes Kendall forgets how wise his little sister is. He likes to pretend she's just an eleven-year-old girl, but he knows better.

"Sage is trying to do something selfless and brave -" Katie started, but a gloomy Kendall interjected.

"It's stupid and dangerous."

"And so was you getting involved with her in the first place, but you _**did**_… and have you ever regretted it?" she asked, already knowing the answer.

"Not once…"

"So, let her do this for us. This was her idea, Kendall. Sage isn't stupid… Although, sometimes I think twice because she loves an idiot like you," she smirked slightly, hoping to see it returned. Katie then gave him a full smile when he finally looked at her normally with gentle eyes.

"Thanks, Katie…" he grinned at her and pulled the little girl into a hug. He could argue with Sage and his mother about it all until he was blue in the face, but he needed the small but wise Katie to bring him to his senses. He could have handled himself better, but he meant everything he had said. Now, he just knew that the decision had been made, and Sage needed his support.

With one final kiss to her cheek, Kendall left Katie's room in a hurry. He had to go to Sage and hold her… It always made everything better; never cured but relieved all of the heart wrenching symptoms of pain. Kendall knew exactly where to find her, knowing she would have never gone home.

* * *

It was only a five minute drive to the local cemetery. The gentle winds of the spring season rustled the trees, and the sun cast a soft, gold light across the large field of grass and tombstones. They had come here together many times before, and Kendall knew where Sage would be beyond the black iron gates.

He parked at the edge of the road and entered the deserted property of the cemetery. No one else was there other than Sage. She was sitting in the grass with her knees held to her chest around fifty yards away. It seemed as if she was studying the ground beneath her, but Kendall knew better. That exact spot was where her mother was buried. As he stepped up behind the blonde girl, a small bronze plaque came into view, jutting up about an inch from the long grass. It read: _**Julia Henderson**_.

Sage didn't move at all as Kendall took a seat right beside her with their upper arms touching. She had no idea what to say, or if he was still angry. The wind blew and gentle chimes rang from somewhere in the distance, but there were no sounds of birds or wildlife. It seemed none occupied the land of the cemetery… The whole place had an eerie presence, but Sage and Kendall always found it peaceful; the perfect place to reflect on what you have and what you've lost.

"I messed up with your daughter today, Julia…" Kendall spoke solemnly, sighing heavily as Sage smiled wordlessly and took his hand into her own. She brought it up to rest on her raised knees and kissed it softly.

Sage had told him to refer to her mother by her first name. "Mrs. _**Henderson**_" just reminded her of the horrible link to Elliot. Sage hated her own last name, but Kendall always told her it would be okay because she'd be "Sage Knight" soon enough… They had done that often; talked about their future. It's what keeps them going on all of the hard days. You have to hold on to hope… Kendall had just forgotten that for a little while, but he remembered now; remembered that, in the end, enduring the hard things would be worth it if they could be happy.

Sage studied the small plaque with her mother's name on it, sighing gently at the thought of her remains resting beneath her feet. She tried to remember how different her life would be if her mom hadn't killed herself: she would have never met Kendall like she did… Every experience, good or bad, leads to new opportunities. Hopefully, this opportunity for the Knights to leave will lead to all of them having full and wonderful lives with Sage included. Their happiness is her happiness…

"I shouldn't have yelled at you," Kendall admitted sternly, feeling like an idiot. He _**never**_ raised his voice at her, especially knowing what she goes through, but both of them were secretly happy that she had handled it so well. The two teens had both been sure that she would have broken down under the pressure and stress, but she stayed strong. Kendall had never loved her more…

"I should have told you about all of this a month ago. We both messed up," Sage insisted sadly, turning to climb into his lap until she was straddling his waist with her arms wrapped securely around his neck. She pressed her cheek against his, enjoying and breathing in the comfort he always provided.

"This was our first fight," Kendall stated simply, squeezing her against him and kissing her temple.

"I'd say we did pretty good… Neither one of us are dead," she joked softly with a smirk, leaning into his lips before hugging him tightly again. Sage finally let herself fully cry. "You understand that this is not what I want, right? I don't _**want**_ you to leave me, but -" Kendall silenced her with a soothing kiss.

"I don't... I won't ever like it, but I get it…" he insisted quietly, pressing his lips to hers once more before groaning in frustration. "This is too much shit for teenagers to be dealing with… We shouldn't have to be making these decisions," he complained playfully, but they both knew the seriousness of the situation.

"What did you expect? We're not, nor will we ever be, normal," Sage laughed lightly, glad that they were both smiling again. They could make it through anything if they still had each other…

"Why can't we be getting sloppy drunk, starting a food fight in the cafeteria, falling asleep in class… _**anything**_ normal kids do?" he questioned with a raised brow as he rubbed her lower back with his uninjured hand.

"We could have sex in the supply closet…" Sage offered giddily.

"That sounds good," Kendall admitted breathlessly, taking the time to hug her again.

A silence fell over the pair again, both of them getting lost in thought. Kendall broke through the quiet atmosphere first.

"One month isn't long enough to say goodbye…"

"We've _**never**_ said goodbye," Sage spoke with a gentle smile. It was meant to be optimistic, as if this weren't really 'goodbye' either. It was only ever a gentle kiss goodnight and promises of seeing each other soon, but Kendall knew this was all different.

"Not yet…"

* * *

**A/N: How was it? The next chapter is called "Big Time Goodbye"… and it's gonna be full of angst, tears, and smut (I think that's a pretty winning combo ;D) It will be up Saturday night as usual (Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays :)  
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**ALSO! (This is exciting… the BOYS are showing up in Chapter 16 and will remain a VITAL part of the story from there on out! :D I have so many plans for them, and I've been dying to get to this part :D Get ready for more angst, more drama, and a lot of laughs (because these guys are amazing) I'm so excited to write them and I hope you're looking forward to it (I know quite a few of you are :)**

**Anonymous REVIEWS are enabled so everyone can say hi! I love hearing from you guys. It always makes me smile no matter what :D Just click on the little blue button down there and type away :)**

**Did you know that there are over 150 of you (at least) reading this every week? If just a QUARTER of you reviewed, that would be an amazing amount of reviews… and I might possibly tear up… What do you say we try it out :D **


	15. Big Time Goodbye

**A/N: HAPPY HOLIDAY(S) EVERYONE… My Christmas day was awesome… I wrote this lol ;D… PLEASE REVIEW :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot.**

**Suggestion: **

**Go read Surfergal23 's Kendall/OC story called "Hooked".** **  
**

***Also, gleechild 's "Big Time Demise" is an angsty and unique story with a fantastic plot that I didn't even know I was craving until I read it. Check it out :)… and all of the others on my favorites list if you're looking for something good ;)**

**IMPORTANT::: I'd like to dedicate this chapter to all of YOU (my readers and/or reviewers) You are what makes writing this worth it, and, when I started this, I just DREAMED about making it to this point in the story, and here we are :D Thank you all so much :) I hope you enjoy this special, long chapter. There's so much more to come… **

******song link for this chapter on my profile :).. It's "Lullaby" by Chase Coy (I don't own it ;)  
**

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 15: BIG TIME GOODBYE_

* * *

The bell rang, signaling the end of Kendall Knight's final day at Ramsey High School. The students piled out of the building and onto the yellow buses, the older Juniors and Seniors bypassing them to move into the large parking lot. Kendall walked with Sage tightly glued to his side as the sun beat down on them and a soft breeze blew against the bodies of the pair and their peers. The air was pleasantly warm with summer approaching, and the birds sang random tunes loudly in the surrounding trees while the students around them laughed and talked happily. They still had a week left of the school year and were excited about the long vacation coming their way. Both their moods and the beautiful weather seemed to mock Sage and Kendall's depression.

The Knight family was leaving for Minnesota soon after the sun set, and this was Sage and Kendall's final afternoon together for a long time. They planned on seeing each other when Kendall was able to make the six hour drive back to Ramsey, but it wouldn't be often, and it certainly wouldn't be daily like they had grown accustomed to. Even when Sage had to go home to Elliot, they knew they would see each other in a day or two and could be wrapped up in one another's arms like they were meant to be. Now, they had taken control of their own fate, but they would suffer the consequences; emotional and physical.

"Hey, Kendall!" Dustin ran through the student population in the parking lot, dodging a few slowly moving cars as he approached the blonde boy and his girlfriend in the middle of the pavement.

Kendall instinctively pulled Sage into his body and stepped slightly forward so that he was just barely in front of her with a warm smile. He knew Dustin didn't pose a threat, but he had always been on edge; knowing how Sage felt about crowds and people too close to her. Now, his body just moved on its own accord, no matter who was approaching his girlfriend, if they were not part of their family. It made Kendall's heart ache to know that Sage would have to endure high school and its people without him from now until her eighteenth birthday in a little over a year.

"So, I guess the frown you're sportin' means you passed all your exams…" Dustin deciphered solemnly, offering a small, friendly wave at Sage before focusing his attention back on his unusually quiet friend. As he nodded, Kendall's grip on Sage tightened.

Kendall had been not-so-secretly hoping he would fail his final tests in an attempt to lengthen his stay in Ramsey, but Sage scolded him when he tried not to focus on her tutoring. She begged him to do his best, and, as usual, he couldn't deny her. He knew it was a fruitless attempt anyway. He would never disappoint his mother and flunk on purpose. After some thinking and discussion with the logical Sage, he realized that it would probably only result in him repeating his Junior year in Minnesota while James, Carlos, and Logan got to be Seniors without him.

"Sorry, Man, but you didn't really think you could duck outta here without saying goodbye, did you?" Dustin asked, punching his arm in jest with a light laugh, which Kendall returned easily. The pair had gotten relatively close as teammates throughout the year even though they never spent much time together outside of hockey and school, and Dustin was one of the few people he didn't hate in this town.

"It wasn't you I was dodging. I was hoping to avoid-"

"Yo, Knight!" The words were taken right out of Kendall's mouth. Caleb was walking towards the trio with Samantha on his arm and a few of their followers moving close behind them.

Kendall rolled his eyes in exasperation, and Sage stiffened beside him. She was comfortable being around Dustin because she knew Kendall trusted him, and she even worked with the boy a year before on a class project she couldn't get out of. He had been kind to her and did little things to let her know she didn't have to be afraid around him, like not asking her to talk when she didn't absolutely have to and respecting her obviously cherished personal space. Caleb and Samantha, on the other hand, always sent chills up her spine. They were simply unkind people; unfortunately, not an oddity in Ramsey.

"What do you want now, Caleb?" the blonde boy asked in an aggravated tone, knowing that whatever the vicious duo had in mind wouldn't be fun for anyone but them. He had no patience to be civil with them today.

"Can't I just see you off, _**Pal**_?" Caleb laughed at his own use of the term and knew that they were never, nor would they ever be, friends. The dark haired jock was ecstatic that Kendall was moving away, leaving him to have the spot light on their hockey team all to himself once again. Soon, it would be like the blonde teen had never come to town at all. The only traces of his presence would be a depressed and lonely Sage, which everyone was used to seeing and ignoring anyway.

"I'd rather you didn't," Kendall countered quickly, not amused by the boy's antics.

"Don't be so rude," the teen snickered as Samantha and their friends followed suit.

"Yeah, Kendall, we're sad to see you go…" the brunette girl finally chimed in, frowning at him dramatically.

Nothing coming from these two could ever be genuine.

"I can't believe you actually managed to run him out of town, Sage. I mean, I know you're damaged and all, but you're making the poor guy leave the _**state**_," Samantha chastized her coldly, keeping a smirk on her features and tossing her hair behind her shoulder as she kept her dark eyes glued to the silent girl just behind Kendall's arm, which she held tightly. "I guess your freakish ways fucked him up, and now he has no choice but to leave. You didn't even let him make it a whole year here," the cold girl shook her head disapprovingly with Caleb mimicking her actions at her side while they both glared at Sage, who couldn't hide enough behind her boyfriend.

Kendall felt Sage shiver and sigh into his upper arm and struggled to remain calm. Samantha was upsetting her, and Kendall wanted nothing more than to put an end to it. Dustin, who usually remained neutral, even seemed to grimace at the girl's words; knowing they held an extra sting on today of all days. Dustin had experience with his own girlfriend moving away, and they maintained a strong long distance relationship for years now. This gave Kendall and Sage hope for their future, and it gave Kendall someone to talk to about how to handle it, even if Dustin didn't know the exact tragic circumstances behind the move.

"I'm standing right here, Sam," Kendall growled at her, hating the fact that she spoke so nastily to his girlfriend. He pulled Sage impossibly closer, stealing a glance at her with a warm smile, before bringing back his scowl and facing the pair once again. Both Samantha and Caleb were smiling wickedly, not seeming to have the desire to back down.

"Not for long," Samantha added swiftly, keeping her eyes glued to Sage and reminding her that things would go back to normal without Kendall around. Sage would be the target of Samantha's verbal assaults just as she had always been. She was okay with being called a freak; having grown used to it, but Sage didn't like hearing about her responsibility in Kendall's moving even if Samantha had no idea what she was talking about. Sage and her dangerous life had a major, lasting impact on Kendall, and it was a fact that she was the only reason the Knights had to leave town. There were so many circumstances behind it, but, at the core of it all, it was her fault.

"But don't worry, Kendall…" Caleb interjected smoothly when he saw Kendall ready to yell at Samantha, "… We'll take care of her. Sage and I could be really close friends," he continued despite Kendall's glare and looked directly at the blonde girl behind him. Her frightened eyes only seemed to compel him to continue, "You'd like that wouldn't you, Sage? You wanna be _**friends**_?" the boy quirked his eyebrow suggestively, Samantha glancing at him in shock as if to show that this clearly wasn't part of their plan. Sage gasped beside him, and that was enough for Kendall to lose his last ounce of control.

Kendall lunged forward and delivered a swift right hook to Caleb's smug face, the boy not even registering the sudden pain before he bent over with a shout and covered his eye. One hit wasn't nearly enough for Kendall. The pent up rage he'd accumulated for the last several months was reaching its peak, and Caleb was the only person practically asking for it to be taken out on him. The whole crowd surrounding the group looked on with wide eyes of awe as Kendall hardly took a second to breathe before he stepped fully away from Sage to grab Caleb's shoulders and raise a knee up to knock all of the air out of the boy's lungs with a harsh blow to his abdomen. Just as the brunette jock looked up, Kendall swung at the uninjured side of his face. A sickening crack could be heard as the blonde effectively broke his opponent's nose. Caleb hadn't even had a chance to retaliate at all. Kendall's movements were quick and skilled. The popular boy had no idea the new kid could fight like this. Kendall had never cracked under Caleb's verbal assault before; always remaining the "better man", but, now, Caleb was in absolute shock and pain with every new strike the blonde delivered to his large body.

He had no idea about what this day meant for Kendall. Caleb, with his usual routine of idiotic words, had waltzed right into the lion's den with fresh, bloody meat in his arms.

After two pushes, Caleb's body hit the pavement with a dull thud. He tried to raise his arms up to defend himself against the fury of Kendall, but the blonde moved too fast. The dark haired boy could barely blink before Kendall was straddling him and taking swings at his face as he tried to shield himself with his hands. Sage took a deep breath and knew she had to do something. It was going too far.

"Kendall, stop it! He was just being an asshole!" she yelled clearly, causing the entire group of students around them to gasp collectively and turn to face the girl. Most of her peers had never heard her speak a single word, let alone scream boldly in a crowd. Sage ignored them completely and kept her focus on her boyfriend. He had stopped the instant she spoke and turned to look at her pleading eyes. Kendall sighed heavily and pushed up off of Caleb's abused body with a harsh shove to the boy's chest. He brought his legs to stand on one side of the bleeding brunette and looked down at him.

"Don't touch her, Caleb, or I'll touch _**you**_," Kendall warned him darkly, emphasizing his last word with a harsh shove of his sneaker against the boy's arm.

Apparently Caleb hadn't learned his lesson yet, despite his broken nose, bleeding lip, swollen eye, and throbbing abdomen. He groaned and chuckled as he pulled himself up to lean on his elbow and wipe the blood from his face with the back of his hand. The whole crowd watched in hushed anticipation. Samantha had stepped back to stand beside her friends after the first punch was thrown. Dustin stayed relatively close to Kendall with Sage a few feet behind him.

"I'd like to see you try all the way in Minneso- " Kendall stopped his words with a brutal kick to his ribs. Caleb could never shut his mouth. He had been taken down harshly by the blonde and hadn't even gotten a swing in himself; his words always being his strong point to hide behind despite his muscular build. Now, Kendall was lit up with a whole new round of fire in his eyes as he swung his leg back to kick the brunette again.

"Dustin-" Sage whispered the boy's name, effectively getting his surprised attention. He stared at her with wide eyes, having never heard her speak to him all year. She stood there begging him with her shining green eyes to do something to stop Kendall. He gave her a reassuring grin and a slight nod of his head after he regained his composure.

"Come on, Buddy. I think you got 'em good enough…" Dustin chuckled as Kendall shook his head to signal he was nowhere near done, "Well, too bad. Sage thinks it's time to go," Dustin continued happily, coolly grabbing the blonde around the waist with both arms and dragging him back towards Sage and the parked cars in the lot. Kendall flailed wildly, trying to break free so he could keep assaulting Caleb, but Dustin wasn't letting him go.

"You're lucky you're leaving, Knight!" Caleb shouted from his position on the ground as his friends crowded around him once Kendall was out of striking distance. Kendall finally relaxed and laughed smugly at Caleb, finding it amusing that the boy was suddenly so sure he could win in a fight against Kendall now that his beating was over and the blonde was moving far away. Kendall held up his middle finger to the bleeding, brunette jock as he allowed Dustin to drag him towards his car.

"Are you okay?" Kendall turned to Sage with gentle eyes, surveying her body with his hands as if she were the one in a fight once he turned away from the crowd.

"I'm fine, Idiot," Sage countered quickly, smirking while shaking her head. She hadn't wanted Kendall to get in trouble, but, truthfully, she was glad to see Caleb get what he had coming to him. They both knew that Kendall wouldn't get any punishment for assaulting Caleb because the stubborn hockey player wasn't the type to admit when he'd been beat, and he'd certainly been taken down effortlessly by Kendall.

"Thanks, Dustin," the blonde boy turned to his friend beside him, patting his shoulder softly.

"No problem. Sage asked for my help, and who am I to deny a lady in distress?" he assured him smoothly with a wave of his hand and a friendly smile at the girl in Kendall's embrace. "Although, it might be a good thing that you're leaving town. I don't wanna end up in jail for defending your ass," the brunette chuckled, teasing Kendall with a poke in the ribs.

"Yeah, yeah…" the blonde laughed shortly, growing silent and glancing at Sage at the mention of him moving. They kept trying to forget, but they couldn't ignore it.

"You guys will be okay. You obviously love each other. That's all you need, and the rest will fall into place."

Dustin spoke his words of wisdom, having his own experience in a long distance relationship with his girlfriend, Erin. Kendall had seen a picture of her that the boy always kept with him on the first day in the locker room with Dustin, and the couple had been going strong ever since. Even with their own odd circumstances, the relationship between Dustin and Erin gave Kendall and Sage hope.

"And don't worry about Caleb or Samantha. I'll keep an eye on Sage myself," Dustin said with a sincere smile, crossing his arms over his chest as he glared in the direction of their peers. Caleb was still wiping the blood from his face while Samantha was yelling at him.

"Thank you… _**Really**_," Kendall seemed to have a silent conversation with his only friend in Ramsey. It was an unspoken promise to keep things safe for the abandoned Sage and Kendall giving his eternal gratitude in return. He was glad that he had found a saint in a town full of sinners. Sage would need all the allies she could get with Katie, Karen, and Kendall leaving. Without them, she would return to what she considered normal; moving through the halls in frightened silence and hoping that no one would touch or approach her while wishing for the same at the place she was forced to call home.

* * *

Cardboard boxes were piled high in the Knight house; soon to be available for rent or lease. The walls were abnormally bare, lacking any personal touches by Karen or family photos. Everything on the main floor had been packed away securely in labeled boxes that would be loaded into a moving van later on in the afternoon. There was only last minute packing left to be done in the bedrooms on the second floor.

Kendall stood in his room, looking at all of the boxes that held his things, written on with black marker to signify what was inside. All of them were taped shut except for one that sat on his bed labeled "Kendall: Personal".

This smaller, special box held important memories for him. Inside of the four cardboard walls, there were various hockey medals, pages of sheet music and lyrics, and dozens of pictures of him and Sage with Katie and Karen mixed in. They had documented quite a bit in their months together: photos of them at the piano, playing guitar, skating at the rink and on the lake, as well as numerous other perfect moments they would relive constantly.

With a gentle smile, Kendall picked up the last item to be placed inside. It was the picture of him and the boys that Sage had spotted the first time she entered his room, both of them not realizing at the time that it would become _**their **_room. Sage had cleared all of her belongings out a few days prior and brought them back to her house, where she would have to remain by herself for a year.

Kendall studied the old frame fondly. The only positive thing out of the move that he would experience right away was being able to see his best friends again. He hadn't spoken to them in several years, but he had heard from his mother, who was in contact with the Garcias, that James, Carlos, and Logan were excited for their reunion. Unfortunately, the three boys had finished their Junior year two weeks before Ramsey would, and left for hockey camp. It would be three weeks before he could see them. Kendall shrugged it off. What was three more weeks after seven years?

"Kendall, Katie and Sage are just about finished in her room. Are you all set?" Karen entered the bedroom cautiously. She had been careful of being around Kendall for the last month, afraid that he was still upset with her. He had told her it was alright and that he understood, but she couldn't help but feel guilty for his sadness.

"As ready as I'll ever be, I guess…" Kendall sighed with one last look at the picture in his hands before placing it in the box and sealing it shut with packing tape. He moved silently as he worked, lost in thought once again. It was something he'd been doing a lot lately in his moments without Sage… He'd have to get used to being alone…

"Let me take that for you, Sweetie," Karen offered with a bright, but forced, smile as she held her hands out for the box.

"It's alright, Mom. I got it," Kendall shrugged, oblivious to Karen's mood as he tried to step past her with the box in his strong arms.

"Are you sure? I could just -" she reached out for the box with rapid speech, trying her best to be helpful.

"Mom, can we talk?" Kendall groaned and pulled the box away, setting it aside on the floor, while the others were still piled on the other side of the room.

Karen sighed and nodded, the air filling with tension as she and her son sat next to each other on his bed frame, the mattress already having been taken downstairs for the movers.

"Listen, I'm only gonna tell you this once: I'm not mad at you… I was before, but I was just angry. I love you, Mom, and I know you're doing the best you can," he whispered, taking his mother's hand into his own as they fought back tears. Maybe he should have had this conversation with her days ago, but he needed her to know that, no matter what, they were a family, and they would stick together. They would need each other during this difficult time. Kendall would always need his mom…

"Thank you, Kendall," Karen smiled softly, "I love you too."

"Good… So, no more worrying, okay?" Kendall raised a brow at his mother, as if he were the parental figure in the equation. Karen laughed lightly, with all of the stress gone from her tone when she spoke.

"Alright, I'll try, but no promises… What happened to your hand?" She suddenly asserted her mother status and held his limb up in front of her face.

Kendall grimaced. He had already forgotten about the slightly scraped knuckles he'd acquired from the blows to Caleb's face.

"Nothing," he assured her coolly, but she could see past the lie.

"Should I be concerned?" she stood up with him and crossed her arms over her chest with a defeated sigh.

"Nope," he chuckled and kissed her cheek before grabbing the discarded box and carrying it out of the room.

Kendall descended the stairs and found Katie and Sage piling the last of the little girl's boxes with the ones stacked high in the living room. Sage and the brunette were giggling with Katie's arms slung around the blonde's shoulders and her legs around her waist from behind. They were walking around and surveying the room now filled with cardboard. Kendall set his box down near the door and watched them with a content smile for a few moments, realizing it would be one of the last few times he would see the two friends interact for awhile…

"Hey, ladies… Can I steal Sage now?" he smirked as they swung around at the sound of his voice. They both grinned, and Sage let Katie drop to her feet.

"You two have fun. Be good. We'll see you at nine in front of Sage's house," Karen appeared beside Kendall, rubbing his shoulder soothingly before moving to the kitchen.

Both Sage and Kendall nodded silently as the boy took the girl into his arms. The Knight's would take Sage home on their final night together, knowing that Elliot wouldn't do anything since they were leaving for good. However, it wasn't time to say goodbye yet. First, Kendall and Sage had to go on their last date. They both agreed that there would be no place better than where they had their first one all those months ago.

* * *

The weather had changed from sunny to something that felt more accurate for the day. Dark storm clouds rolled in from the southwest and thunder boomed just outside of town. The air was thick with moisture, and the birds had silenced in the trees, signaling the approaching weather shift. Kendall and Sage lay on the hood of his car in their spot, the automobile rumbling slightly beneath them as the vehicle ran. The radio played loudly from the inside, the beat of the song just detectable beyond the closed windows and the distant thunder. They were parked on the grass right next to the lake with Sage's head resting on Kendall's chest and her body perpendicular to his own. They both stared up at the fast moving clouds.

"You don't have to protect me from everything, you know…" Sage smirked slightly as she picked up Kendall's hand and studied the light abrasions and bruising on his knuckles from the beating he delivered to Caleb. She was trying to make the mood light with a smile, but Kendall frowned, looking at her for a moment before turning back up to the sky instead of bantering with her as they usually would.

"That's the problem…" he whispered, not even having to look her way as he intertwined his fingers with hers and squeezed their connected hands against her chest, "… I _**can't **_protect you from everything… At least, not from what matters most…" he vaguely mentioned Elliot; the constant rain on their metaphorical parade. Although, today, it felt more like a funeral procession. Kendall was still sick at the fact that he wouldn't be there to patch Sage up after her stepfather broke her. He couldn't kiss away the bruises and the tears anymore.

Sage's expression soon mimicked Kendall's, a sigh passing her lips before they turned down into a frown. She twisted her neck on his torso to face his upturned head. As she studied his features, she could see his jaw was tense and that he was grinding his teeth, his chest rising heavily before sinking down sharply. She reached her free hand up to lace it through his soft hair, caressing his scalp before settling her fingers down onto his cheek and titling his head downward to look her in the eye.

"I won't need any protecting in a year… It will all be worth it…" she assured him sweetly, refusing to succumb to the doubt and depression invading her thoughts. Kendall would never leave if he saw her break. She was sure she could make it without him for awhile. She needed to for the sake of their future.

Kendall only nodded, gratefully returning her smile as he bent forward to kiss her lightly and then settled back down onto the hood of the car, both of their focuses going back to the darkening sky. The vicious gray clouds were almost directly over their heads now, thunder booming in the sky and lightning cracking across the pale blue in an angry manila colored line from within the clouds. A gentle breeze blew in, and, before it was even over, it developed into a heavy gust of wind, tousling the teenagers' hair wildly before settling down into an eerily calm scene.

"It's going to rain any second," Sage commented randomly, her emerald eyes darting around to take in the blue and charcoal sky.

"I hope it pours," Kendall declared with a determined, yet sullen, expression at the air above.

It only took mere seconds for Kendall to get his wish. The sky opened up with a crack of thunder that shook their bones and a steady fall of rain, pounding hard against the metal of the car and coating their bodies. The sun was now completely out of view and only the solid, dark gray remained in the sky, lighting up with random patches of lightning. It rained harder than they had ever seen before, going from not even a drizzle to a torrential downpour in no time. Their clothes were soaked clean through, and neither one of them had moved an inch, just letting it happen passively.

Sage finally turned to look up at Kendall at the exact moment he tore his blinking eyes away from the lightning and the rain creating ripples and splashes on the surface of the lake. They connected silently, and both surged forward with hungry movements; instantly colliding their lips together. As his tongue met hers, Sage whimpered into Kendall's open mouth, the sound being drowned out by rolling thunder above. Even though he couldn't hear it, Kendall felt the need in her and his own desire striking through his body harshly and rapidly like the lightning cutting through the sky over their heads. Kendall pulled her roughly toward him, their lips not disconnecting once as she moved to straddle him while he sat up and scooted forward toward the front bumper. Sage's hands tangled in his hair, tugging gently as he used the slick metal beneath them to easily propel himself off the hood of the car to stand in the quickly dampening grass. Cupping her ass fully in his hands, Kendall moved around the vehicle with his girlfriend's legs wrapped securely around his waist. She writhed against him in slow motions, both of them building the friction between their bodies.

When he reached the back door, Kendall fumbled for it blindly before tearing himself away from Sage's exploring mouth. He slammed her against the side of the trunk with his hips, evicting a beautiful cry from her throat as she placed random kisses along his jaw and neck while he pulled the door open with one swift yank of the handle. He lifted his lover back into his strong arms, her limbs never leaving his neck and waist as he lowered them through the opening. Kendall laid her gently onto the backseat, crawling over her to straddle her thin hips before leaning back to slam the door shut behind him. After the sudden storm hit, the radio signal was lost, and now the only thing coming through the sound system was a constant drone of static, pulsing buzzes filling the silent car along with their heavy breathing and the rain pounding against the metal of the automobile loudly with the force of the downpour.

Kendall hovered above Sage, gripping the hem of her black cotton dress in his fingers at her thighs. The fabric was thick and wet in his hands as he peeled it up her body, having been soaked through by their time in the rain. He studied every new inch of skin revealed as he lifted the clothing up over her hips, past her slim torso and full breasts, before reaching her neck. Sage raised her upper body so that he could pull her dress off the rest of the way, it taking a moment for her arms to come through the fabric because it had long sleeves. She had chosen to wear it after Elliot had given her nasty marks on her forearms by grabbing her roughly, and they were too much to cover up. Kendall grimaced and growled when he took in the sight of the fading bruises along her torso; Elliot's favorite destination for his fists because it was the easiest place to hide the abuse. He had seen them earlier in the morning, but, each time Kendall surveyed her unjustifiable injuries, it filled him with a whole new wave of sadness and anger.

He bent forward to kiss the abused skin of her abdomen soothingly after throwing her dress into the front seat, leaving her in only a black bra and matching underwear. Sage sighed with a small smile at his gentle touches, the memories of every hit that caused the bruises in question now seeming completely insignificant. She would miss this physical effect he had on her; the ability to make her calm and happy with a single look or touch. She had gotten so used to feeling good after years of torture, but, now, Sage would have to return to her old ways of just barely getting by on hope for the future.

She was filled with a sudden hunger for Kendall and latched a hand onto the back of his neck, his damp hair slippery beneath her palm. Sage pulled him up for a loving kiss, their tongues moving slow in a dance that they've easily memorized, cherishing every step and knowing it was one of their last for awhile. She backed away as he licked and sucked down her jaw, biting lightly at her neck, both of them not caring if he gave her a bruise that Elliot could see since he was leaving anyway. They both wanted whatever they needed and could get in their final time together. Sage grabbed his black t-shirt and lifted it over his head, the movements being stalled slightly by the soaked fabric sticking to his pale skin. The heat coming from the vents in the front seat drifted into the back, creating shivers all along their damp bodies. Their lips immediately met again after she tossed the dark, wet shirt aside.

Both Sage and Kendall had worn black, as if they were subconsciously mourning the day…

Kendall pulled her flush against him, reaching beneath her back to unclasp her bra with a practiced hand. He rushed to pull the clothing away and toss it to the floor, pressing down into her bare chest just as soon as he could and relishing the warmth that radiated off of their bodies. Sage bucked up into his form, their hips meeting with a delicious friction as her legs weaved around his. He groaned and ground down into her furiously, his erection straining in his jeans as he rubbed against her core that was covered by her underwear. They both moaned, and the tension in the car was building.

"I need you…" Sage whispered into his ear, making him nod vigorously in agreement as he leaned back.

Kendall worked open his jeans, fumbling with the zipper and pulling his belt free of the loops. He paused for a moment to look down at his lover. Sage was watching him with dark eyes, her exposed chest rising and falling rapidly with her blonde hair spread out over the seat beneath her. He smirked playfully, taking his time to enjoy the perfect view as he slipped his fingers beneath the hem of her underwear. Kendall bent forward, delivering a gentle kiss to her lower abdomen in a slow and sensual movement before suddenly tearing her remaining clothing down to her knees. She gasped and laughed lightly, her hips lifting instinctively to seek out his touch. Kendall pulled her underwear completely off of her legs, leaving her fully naked beneath him after she kicked off her shoes. He licked his lips with shaky breaths as he rushed to rid himself of his pants. The drenched denim stuck to his flushed skin slightly, but he forced it down to his ankles along with his boxers, not bothering to take the clothing off completely in the confined space.

He kneeled in front of her with his erection throbbing in his hand, pre-cum leaking from the tip as he stroked it slowly, studying Sage as she watched him with a wicked smile. Keeping her eyes darting between his and the hand pumping his cock, she slipped her fingers down her body gingerly, teasing herself and Kendall with the show. Sage finally reached her destination and rubbed her slick center with drawn out movements, her own breath hitching in her throat as Kendall's did when she passed over her clit. They were getting lost in the movements of each other, their eyes never leaving their hands as they both matched the other's pace. Just before Sage could slip a finger inside of her wet core, Kendall growled and dove forward.

As he kissed along her neck, Sage giggled lightly, knowing that he was done teasing. Now that they were pressed against each other, their hands found their rightful positions on one another. Hers replaced his, and his took over her previous work. The angle was awkward with his mouth at her pulse point, but neither one could make themselves care. Kendall's erection pressed against her stomach as she pumped it thoroughly between them while he nipped at her skin and palmed her folds with a firm hand.

"Are you ready?" Kendall panted and pulled away just enough to look at the beautiful girl beneath him that he was allowed to call all his.

Both of them knew that the question wasn't a simple one. It was asking more than her ability to move forward in their love making. Are they ready for this to be their last time? Are they ready to say goodbye? Can she let him go in a few hours?

"Yes…" Sage whispered shakily, swallowing away the dryness in her throat. Her body still throbbed with need, as it always did around Kendall, but her brain started fogging over with the thoughts of him being gone. They should give each other everything they had right now and nothing less. This was their last time together before the immediate future became uncertain…

Kendall kissed his girlfriend gently, pecking her lips multiple times, struggling to stop himself on several occasions only to find himself locked against her again. He settled for keeping his face hovering barely an inch above hers, their eyes staying glued to one another as he positioned himself at her entrance. His member teased her gently, eliciting a few small whimpers from Sage that made his heart beat wildly in his chest. She lifted up slightly to coax him forward, needing him more and more by the second. With one last kiss, Kendall complied and slid in quickly, instantly groaning at the slick heat surrounding him, never being able to comprehend how she could feel so good around him.

As he thrust in and out at a calm pace to draw the moment out, the only sounds heard in the car with the continuously pouring rain on the roof were the static coming through the radio and the soft moans and deep breaths of Kendall and Sage. However, the relative silence suddenly dissipated when the rain let up just enough to allow a radio signal to come through. A song, "Lullaby" by Chase Coy, was just starting to play as the reception cleared up, the melodic song floating from the speakers.

_**You can rest easy tonight**_

_**Everything is gonna be alright**_

_**I promise**_

_**Go to sleep and dream of me tonight**_

_**Everything may not be perfect**_

_**But at least we tried**_

Kendall raised himself up with his hands on either side of Sage's head to gain more leverage as his speed increased. He pushed his cock in and out of her at a rapid pace, Sage moaning loudly at every thrust of his hips and at the feeling of him filling her perfectly as if they were made to go together. Kendall groaned as she constricted around him tightly, knowing she was working him over extra on purpose; her nails raking across his back and leaving harsh red scratches to remember her by. Kendall prayed that they wouldn't heal until he could be reunited with her….

Sage cried out. Both of their movements were becoming erratic as the heat built up between them to a fiery level. She pulsed around him constantly, her wet core squeezing his throbbing member like new every time he thrust back in. Kendall pulled almost all the way out and then slammed forward, after taking a breath, to start pounding into her roughly, knowing that's how they both preferred it; hard, harsh, and hot. Kendall loved treating her like she was made of the most durable material and not fragile glass that could be easily shattered.

_**So tonight**_

_**Sweet dreams and sleep tight**_

_**I've been trying so hard**_

_**Can't get you out of my mind**_

_**And if this is how it has to be**_

_**Just promise you won't forget me**_

_**And I'll leave you with this lullaby **_

_**Tonight**_

They had been trying their best to prolong it, but neither of them could hold off their approaching release. Kendall moaned into her shoulder, licking and sucking her damp, pale skin as Sage keened below him, bucking her hips up to meet his with every sharp snap forward. Her legs shook as she squeezed them around her boyfriend tightly and gripped her hands into the skin of his lower back. Kendall tilted his head down and pressed his lips onto the silver pendant with their initials intertwined in a heart around her neck. He loved seeing her wear it. It was meant to be right above her heart at all times, but, in a couple hours, Kendall would have to leave for good, and Elliot could never see the jewelry, or Sage would be in trouble. He'd have to take it with him…

With one last thrust forward, Kendall came with a deep groan, buried inside of Sage as she reached her climax with him, both of them tearing up at the thought of it being over. He filled her to the brim with his release, his lover sighing at the feeling of him in her, trying to memorize every part. Sage let her tears fall, Kendall's jade eyes meeting hers in an intense, depressed gaze. He was crying too, their tears leaking down their cheeks and pooling together with the slickness of their bodies and the rainwater still surrounding them and dripping from their hair.

"More?" Kendall asked quietly, already knowing the answer. His cock was still hard inside of her as she nodded with a strangled whimper. He pulled her into a passionate kiss. This couldn't be over yet…

_**I know that this hurts you**_

_**It hurts me too**_

_**I wish there was something I could do**_

_**To make it easier for you**_

_**Sometimes it's tough**_

_**Too soon to call it love, but I wanted to**_

_**Yeah, I wanted to**_

_**But it's too late now to say**_

_**All the wonderful things that I thought of you**_

Kendall kept his lover against him as he sat up and leaned back in the seat. Sage straddled his lap, his erection still deep inside of her as she writhed against him. Both of them were sensitive after their first release, but it only added to the intensity between them; a slight pain mixing with immense pleasure. Slipping his hands down her smooth body and onto her hips, Kendall watched as Sage lifted herself up until only the tip of his cock remained inside of her slick core with her hands braced on his shoulders. Suddenly, Sage propelled her body back down with a swift force that had both of their heads spinning. He was suddenly, and harshly, surrounded by her heat again after being exposed to the cooler air for a minute, adding to the shockwave of pleasure that shot up his spine.

The rain had picked back up after the latest verse of the song filtered through the radio, and the car had been deprived of music once again. The static was back as the signal was lost, leaving the only the sounds of the water splashing on the roof and the loud moans coming from the two lovers. They moved quickly, hastily groping at each other as if they would never be able to get enough. Kendall helped Sage lift her small body with his hands gripping tightly at her thighs, both of them working together as Kendall thrust up into her with sharp snaps of his lower half raising off of the seat beneath them. Both teens were still crying silently as their lips moved together sloppily; no finesse or care in their actions, both of them taking what they so desperately needed and wanted to give.

Sage fucked herself on her boyfriend's member a few more times before her core was pulsing with her approaching orgasm, knowing that, by the way Kendall was growling her name repeatedly, he was close too. She buried her face into his neck as he did the same, both of them breathing in each other's scent, hoping to memorize it in order to recall it when they were forced to separate later. The blonde girl writhed in Kendall's lap, swiveling her hips in slow circles as their orgasms hit too quickly, draining the last of their energy and tears. Kendall held her close as she slumped against him, both of their lower halves moving into one another lightly as they milked their releases for all they were worth. Sage snuggled into his embrace, keeping him inside of her as she fell limp in his lap.

Kendall rubbed his hands up and down her back soothingly. Playing with her hair as he smiled softly to himself, he remembered the song that had been playing and hadn't finished with the interruption of the storm to the radio connection. He leaned into her ear, kissing her neck lightly before finishing the last verse of the song for Sage with his smooth, calm voice; devoid of any traces of tears after he regained his composure.

_**So tonight**_

_**Sweet dreams and sleep tight**_

_**I've been trying so hard**_

_**Can't get you out of my mind**_

_**And if this is how it has to be**_

_**Just promise you won't forget me**_

_**And I'll leave you with this lullaby**_

_**Tonight**_

Sage smiled, instinctively hugging him tighter with her arms around his neck. She pulled away, and Kendall reached a hand up to grab her neck and deliver a firm kiss to her forehead and then another to her lips.

"Tell me it's all gonna be okay…" she whispered, darting her eyes back and forth to each of his and swallowing around the lump in her throat. Sage had remained so strong while Kendall had been the one to put up a resistance to the move, but, now, she could feel the doubt and desperation. The loneliness was creeping in, making her vision blurry and her heart ache in their last moments together. Kendall shook his head gently with a sigh, brushing the damp, blonde hair away from her eyes.

"I can't lie to you… I don't know what's going to happen, but I do know that I love you, and you love me… We'll be together forever in just over one year. It's only 372 days," Kendall assured her with a warm smile, his usual optimism shining through. Sage's seventeenth birthday would be in seven days, and then it would be a whole year until she turned eighteen and could walk away from Elliot legally and for good. "That's only…" he trailed off, trying to do the math in his head before giving up and looking to his intelligent girlfriend for the answer with a smirk.

"8,928 hours or 535,680 minutes," Sage declared happily, the numbers seeming small in the long run.

"Totally manageable… We've been through worse," Kendall commented with a shrug, keeping his hands moving up and down her bare torso, enjoying the heat beneath his palms.

"We can handle it," Sage agreed in a whisper, hugging her boyfriend once again to convince both him and herself that they could, in fact, make it through this no matter how bad it seemed.

* * *

This was it.

The moving van had been sent away to head off to Minnesota, the actual destination remaining unknown to Sage after she begged Kendall to keep it that way; not telling her the town they lived in. Elliot kept up his hard work of bombarding her mind with vague threats, and she wanted nothing to do with him once she was out in a year. If her stepfather wanted to know where Kendall was, and Sage knew, Elliot would do _**anything**_ to rip it out of her. The less she knew the better. Their only communication would be through phone calls from Kendall's new, unlisted number at their house in Minnesota to Sage's house in Ramsey, North Dakota. They had scheduled specific times to talk, and Kendall was already planning when he could make various trips back over the summer. Even if he could only stay for a day, the six hour drive would be well worth it. He had even written down the numbers for various payphones around town and school if calling her at home became too risky.

These were all the little precautions that they took drastic measures to follow through with. Now that they were setting up for their future, which was looking promising, they weren't going to let anything get in their way. They had to be prepared for everything that would come at them… Maybe they were being too cautious, but, with everything finally within their grasp, they couldn't have anything ruining it…

Sage, Kendall, Karen and Katie stood on the edge of the Henderson's lawn near the street. The sun had set an hour ago, and the only illumination around them was provided by the headlights of Karen and Kendall's cars. Katie and Mrs. Knight would drive together while Kendall followed them to Minnesota. It was time for their final goodbyes, and, of course, Elliot had taken some time off of work to be there for the "show." He was positively beaming at their sad faces from his position on the porch several yards away. Elliot had been waiting for this moment ever since the first time he saw Kendall drop Sage off at home, knowing that her making personal connections would only bring him stress and trouble.

"We'll all be here to get you the day you turn eighteen, and he won't be able to say a fucking word about it…" Karen smiled sweetly at Sage, taking her into her motherly embrace as the woman glared darkly at Elliot, who only smirked back with an infuriatingly calm wave. "If you need us, just call… Don't be scared. Stay brave, Sage," Karen whispered, kissing the blonde girl's forehead, both of the females having tears in their eyes.

"Thank you, Karen… for everything…" she sighed shakily, hugging the only woman she could call a mother tightly for the last time before they left.

"Thank you for making Kendall happy," Karen responded quickly with a brilliant smile. After one last kiss to Sage's cheek, she whispered her goodbye and walked away to stand by the car. Kendall watched on with his little sister's hand in his own. Katie had spent some time crying, but she was a tough girl, gaining her strength from her mother, and had recovered fast, easily looking towards a bright future rather than the bleak present.

"Get over here, Kit Kat," Sage chuckled, bending down slightly with her arms outstretched to gather the young brunette in a tight hug.

Katie giggled as Sage swung her around once and placed her back on the ground. The girl was about to speak, but her eyes kept traveling warily to Elliot standing on the porch with his arms crossed, his body illuminated slightly from behind with the soft glow of the lights on inside of the Henderson's house.

"Just pretend he doesn't exist… That's what I do," Sage told her lightly, keeping the smile on her face and staying brave for Katie, who chuckled a little at the statement. Sage could tell that Elliot wasn't able to hear what was being said, with thunder still rolling outside of town and the ample distance between them, after he hadn't lunged out to hit her when she spoke poorly of him.

"These are for you," Katie grinned widely, biting the corner of her lip as she fished two items from her pockets.

She took Sage's hand in her own and began knotting a threaded bracelet around her wrist. It was black with a thin strand of green worked in. As soon as it was securely tied on, Katie was wrapping a second one right next to it. This one was also black but with an accent of pink.

"They're friendship bracelets from me and Kendall," Katie explained excitedly, holding out her own arm to show the matching set on the brunette's wrist to Sage. The little girl tilted her head towards her brother, who stretched his arm forward slightly, hiding the view from Elliot, so Sage could see that he had two just like them knotted on his arm. They each represented the special girls in his life…

"I love them, Katie," Sage studied her wrist thoughtfully, praying that Elliot wouldn't rip them off of her the moment she got into the house. She figured that she had a pretty good chance of keeping them if he only saw Katie wearing them and hadn't picked up on Kendall's discreet display. "Now, I'll be checking in, so don't slack on your math, or your poker skills will suffer…"

Sage stopped with a smirk as she bent down to whisper playfully in Katie's ear loud enough for Kendall to hear.

"…and help your brother so he doesn't fail high school…" she grinned at her boyfriend, who stuck his tongue out at her as Katie laughed.

"Last time I saw him, Logan was a _**genius**_, thank you very much… I doubt his IQ plummeted since then. He'll help me, Smarty Pants," Kendall joked lightly, still standing behind his sister, prolonging the inevitable goodbye. Sage apparently had the same thoughts, because she kept the conversation going, doing her best to forget the real reason they were all there.

"Speaking of which, from what I've heard of these boys, you're gonna have to keep an eye on Kendall so he doesn't end up in jail or something," Sage continued cheekily, her and Katie smirking deviously at one another as they spoke about Kendall as if he wasn't there.

He was finding it all amusing. He would miss Sage and Katie's discussions…

"Don't let James cut his hair, and don't let Carlos lead him into any bone-breaking stunts. Your brother has met his quota for this year," Sage raised a brow at her boyfriend, whose smile had softened at the mention of his recently healed arm that had been broken by Elliot's attack. "In fact, just listen to Logan. He's the only one of the bunch who seems to have any common sense," Sage added, settling back into her banter with Katie, using the knowledge she had accumulated about the boys from Kendall. She had learned a lot in their months together and felt like she knew them. James, Carlos, and Logan were always Kendall's only true best friends, and, now, he was getting them back. Sage was glad he could have that… It would make the transition a bit easier…

"They were my age back then. They could be totally different now," Katie commented thoughtfully, biting the inside of her cheek and hoping, for her brother's sake, that the boys of his childhood would still be who he loved when they got to Minnesota.

"I imagine they're completely the same… You can't change who you are on the inside. I'm sure you'll be just as wise and cunning when you're seventeen," Sage smirked at the brunette and smoothed her hair down lovingly.

"You promise?" the young girl laughed brightly.

"I promise… I love you, Katie… Be good for Kendall and your mom. Don't do anything illegal," Sage smiled warmly, bending to kiss the top of the girl's head. Katie nodded immediately, wrapping her arms around the taller girl's waist.

"I love you too."

With one last quick hug, Katie squeezed Sage's hands and then backed away sadly, wiping the tears from her eyes as she walked over to stand beside her mother. Kendall and Sage locked themselves in an intense stare, neither one making a move for a second as the reality of the situation was hitting them. Sage blinked back her tears, and Kendall immediately responded.

"Come here, Baby…" he held his arms open, letting her run into them quickly before closing them tightly around her body.

With one last look at a scowling Elliot, Kendall blocked his presence out completely and focused on his soul mate…

"Remember, we're trading 372 days for our forever. It will be worth it," he assured her with soft murmurs in her ear as his hands smoothed through her hair and down her back. Sage pulled away with a beautiful smile that Kendall easily returned with a warm heart.

"Absolutely… No more bruises or tears, and we'll spend every night together," she added giddily, her head falling forward for a moment to kiss his collarbone delicately.

"Even Tuesdays and Fridays," he smirked down at her, referring back to the conversations they would have in their early months together when they had to get used to Sage returning home two nights a week. The next year would be much harder than those days, but they could make it. Sage had done it before Kendall came to town, and, as much as it killed her, she could do it again if it meant getting a good result.

Kendall took his girlfriend's face between his hands and brought her toward him for a searing kiss, taking in each second as if it could be their last. Sage let her tongue meet his without any thought of Elliot watching. She didn't care if he was pissed. She didn't care if he was going to hit her a few extra times. She didn't care about how much he would yell later. She needed this…

She whimpered slightly into Kendall's mouth and gripped his shirt beneath her hands as she felt the moment ending, tears once again trailing down both of their cheeks. The blonde boy pulled away with a heavy, shaky sigh, smiling at her sadly as he wiped away the tracks streaming down her face. She was gripping him tightly, trying to keep her features calm even though she wanted to scream. He could tell what Sage was feeling with just a single glance, because he knew he must have looked similar. They were both one step from breaking, only their hope keeping all their pieces intact.

"I love you, Sage, and it's gonna last forever…" he whispered sweetly, his breathing becoming labored as his heart clenched and the pit in his stomach shook violently.

"I love you too, Kendall… I'm going to be okay… I don't want you to worry about me all the time, alright?" she asked warily, knowing that her lover may try his best, but Kendall would never stop thinking about her, just like he would be on her mind all the time.

They would be holding onto their memories for 372 days… for 8,928 hours…for 535,680 minutes…

With a final, loving kiss, Kendall reluctantly pulled himself away from Sage, both of them biting back a sob at the loss of contact. She nodded at him reassuringly, offering him the best smile she could muster under the circumstances through her tears.

"Goodbye… For now…" Kendall frowned and swallowed hard, backing away slowly, his body already on fire while thinking of his loss.

"For now…" Sage repeated, taking her own step back so Kendall wouldn't feel like he was the only one moving away unwillingly. They were a team. They had to do this together. They had to suffer together to get to the better parts of life.

After one last whisper of his love, Kendall pulled open his car door roughly, slamming it shut in agitation behind him. He stared straight ahead with tears stinging and clouding his vision as Karen pulled forward. They drove down the street, Kendall glancing repeatedly at his rearview mirror the entire way. He could see Sage standing on her law, and Elliot had moved to stand right beside her. The man was looking in his direction as the cars made there way out of town. Kendall felt an eerie sense of déjà vu, the scene similar to the one he had viewed all those months ago on the night he found out the truth about Elliot hitting her. He felt as if he was going to be sick, knowing that there's a large chance that it's all going to happen again like that night, only, this time, he won't be there to save her.

Every rotation of Kendall's tires brings him farther away from Sage. He figured Karen must be taking pity on his shattered heart, because she was driving at nearly 10 mph below the speed limit in front of him. With each passing second, his body throbs more. His muscles grew tight and sore. His left leg bounced up and down rapidly in frustration. He gripped the steering wheel so firmly that his hand ached, but the sensation was a welcomed distraction from the pain in his chest. Kendall was fighting off the urge to scream as he cried silently, keeping his eyes on the road half of the time and fixed on the figure of Sage growing smaller in his mirror with the other half.

He knows Sage was right when she said this was the best choice, but acceptance doesn't make it any less difficult. Actually, the fact that they _**chose**_ this makes it a bit harder; knowing he chose this pain. They're taking a big risk for the biggest reward. Throughout all of this, Katie and Karen will stay safe, and Sage will ideally remain relatively healthy. Her being injured has become a reality both of them have accepted reluctantly. It will just be 372 days, and then Sage can live with him where she belongs. Even if she doesn't know Minnesota, home is wherever the Knights are…

As Kendall finally disappeared from view, Sage closed her eyes, trying to calm herself at the remembrance of Elliot standing right beside her. She was alone with him now, with no where to run… She and Kendall thought they had finally taken control of Elliot's game when they made the decision to make the move to Minnesota. Little did they know, he was still holding the dice and hadn't even taken the first roll…

* * *

**A/N: Sad and ominous anyone? Yeah, Elliot's got major plans… Stay tuned to see what's next (there's a lot more to go for this story ;) I like to think of this, in my imagination, as the end of "Season 1". Lol. Next week, we'll see the "Season Two" opener with Chapter 16…and JAMES, CARLOS, and LOGAN will make their debut! :D I know a lot of you are excited for that, and I'm so fuckin' jazzed for it myself :D**

**They're gonna remain a HUGE part of this story from here on out. They'll have their own plot lines and backstories to tell (their own sorrow ;) *claps giddily***

**PLEASE Review. As always, anonymous reviews are enabled, so, if you're just someone who doesn't have an account and checks in every week, say hi and let me know what you thought of this chapter :)… Happy Holidays everyone. Your support has been fantastic this year… See you on Jan. 1st 2011 :D *****the update will come either in the middle of the day or a little later than usual at night due to my personal life, but it WILL be here. Don't worry :)********  
**


	16. Big Time Turn For The Worse

**A/N: HERE'S WHAT I LIKE TO CALL "Season 2"… THE BOYS ARE HERE! ;D**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush or Pop-Tarts, but I do own Sage and Elliot.**

**Suggestion: **

***Go read Surfergal23 's Kendall/OC story called "Hooked" and her new one "Bittersweet"- both great in their own right :)  
**

**Thank you! Thank you! Thank you to every single one of you that is reading this. I have such a great passion for this story, and I love to see that other people enjoy reading it :)**

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 16: BIG TIME TURN FOR THE WORSE _

* * *

"Wake up, Logan!"

James Diamond stood beneath Logan Mitchell's second-story bedroom window, yelling loudly up to his raven haired friend. It was nearly noon, and the smart boy was never a morning person when he didn't get much sleep. They had just gotten back from a three week hockey camp late the night before, and now they were overly excited to be reunited with their childhood friend, Kendall Knight. James sighed heavily when he received no response, brushing his perfectly groomed brown hair away from his hazel eyes as he turned to his other best friend for help.

"Guess what day it is?" Carlos Garcia screamed happily up at the window with a brilliant smile that contrasted brightly against his naturally olive toned skin. He didn't hesitate to grab a clump of dirt from the ground in front of him. The soil beneath the expertly planted flowers in front of the Mitchell's house was thick and dark in his hands. Some of the substance slipped sloppily between his fingers, landing all over the meticulously manicured lawn. Mrs. Mitchell hired numerous people to keep her house looking like it belonged on the cover of a home improvement magazine, and Carlos always managed to foil her efforts in a matter of seconds. Just as the dirt launched from the short boy's hand and smacked against the window with a dull thud, Logan appeared to open it wide with a halfhearted scowl and a raised brow as he leaned over the edge for a better view.

"Is it the day I finally get my **_normal_** best friend back and you two start to calm down?" his chocolate eyes shimmered with a light of hope, but a smirk remained on his face; letting his pseudo-brothers know he was joking. As usual, the bubbly Latino and pretty brunette played along without missing a beat.

"Yes," James started, answering the first part of Logan's question right before Carlos interjected to finish.

"…and no," he added simply like it was an easy answer. Carlos and James would always be rambunctious and crazy, especially when they were around each other; feeding off of one another's high energy. Logan glared down at his friends, resting his forearms against the windowsill as he cast his eyes upward to survey the damage.

"Ugh! I just washed this window…" he whined, shaking his head in disapproval down at the boys on his lawn. He was used to their antics, and took it upon himself to keep them in line. He sighed heavily, figuring dirt on his window was probably the least damage Carlos could have done, and counted himself lucky. "Why didn't you just ring the doorbell?" Logan wondered, already slumping his shoulders and knowing that he would regret asking. His friends were never predictable, but, sometimes, the logic in the smart boy's mind made him ask the obvious questions anyway.

"When have we ever been conventional?" James scoffed playfully at his dark haired friend, swaying his head from side to side in mock frustration while not even bothering to offer a real answer to Logan's valid inquiry. Really, Carlos and the pretty boy just tried the first fun thing that came to their minds. They never declined an opportunity for a good time.

"I'm disappointed in you, Logan…" Carlos shook his head in the same rhythm as James while the tall brunette patted his shoulder dramatically in comfort as they frowned up at their genius of a friend.

"Well, I guess I'll just eat breakfast by myself since you're so upset with me…" Logan yawned loudly, stretching his arms above his head as he grinned down at his two best friends, knowing the pair would never deny food, especially Carlos, who's three main food groups were sugar, dinosaur shaped chicken, and corn dogs. He and James shared a look, having a silent conversation with their eyes.

"Do you have Pop-Tarts?" James asked for the both of them warily, fighting off his bright smile as the trio's banter was coming to an end. Logan nodded in affirmation, clasping his hands in front of his face as his upper body rested on the windowsill once again.

"We love you," Carlos shot him his adorable smile that could probably make a serial killer regret his ways and a monk break his vow of silence just to tell him how cute he was. Carlos could get anything he wanted with his childlike attitude and expressions; all displaying the high level of innocence he possessed even at the age of seventeen. Although he's seen the darker parts of life with his own eyes, he always kept his secure optimism and hope as weapons against even the most evil displays of mankind.

Logan predictably smirked down at his friend with a disbelieving chuckle, not able to understand how, after over twelve years of friendship, he could still fall for the charms of Carlos and the pretty boy, who was giving him the most brilliant smile he had ever seen. James was like Carlos in the fact that he could use his appearance to his advantage. However, while Carlos had a childlike appeal of uncontrollable excitement, the taller boy more often than not used his birthright of sex appeal and dazzling charm. His terribly handsome looks, along with the self-centered attitude that came with them, were inherited from his free spirited father. Luckily, while James often let this side of himself take center stage, he was also evened out with the drive and devotion passed down from his mother. She was a successful, powerful woman who paved her own way in life. James, like his father, was a dreamer; wanting to become a famous star in Hollywood. With his determination, neither Carlos nor Logan doubted it would happen. Even though he could be an arrogant pain at times, James' redeeming qualities were his fierce loyalty and love for his "brothers". They would always come first; before his dream and even before his parents. He had learned not to count on them after their divorce several years earlier. It tore their family apart and had his mother and father focusing on renewing their own lives while James' needs fell into the background. He loved his parents, but he would only let himself rely on his best friends. Logan and Carlos would always be there, and, hopefully, just as he was in childhood, Kendall would be too.

All three boys were counting on Kendall coming in and finishing the last part of their deconstructed square that was left broken when he moved away seven years ago. They all kept hope when he left, having been like brothers for years. They made it through all of the good and terrible times together; times that change who you are and shape who you'll become. These four were destined to stay together as a family even if circumstances out of their control divided them for awhile. Seven years seemed insignificant when compared to the rest of their lifetime.

"You know where the spare key is… or you could always climb through the window if you're still feeling **_unconventional_**," Logan grinned at his friends, using air quotes on his last word and chastising them for their behavior with his preferred tool of sarcasm. He rolled his eyes, not even waiting for a response as he disappeared into his room to change his clothes for the day.

"Wanna use the ladder to get up there?" Carlos asked his partner in crime excitedly, turning to James while jumping in place and pointing to the large ladder leaning against the shed on the side of the Mitchell's beautiful home. The Latino was always up for dangerous stunts, never letting logic or the laws of physics get him down. He frowned when James shook his head and crossed his arms over his sculpted chest that was covered by a designer T-shirt.

"Not gonna happen, Carlitos. The last time you had me climbing something, I almost wrecked my most prized possession," James scolded him, dramatically waving his hands in front of his perfect face.

Just five days before, at camp, Carlos had talked James into ascending a large tree with him. They were only halfway up the trunk when the shorter boy distracted James with his fascination for a bird's nest, and he plummeted towards the ground. The pretty boy had scraped his hands and knees slightly, but thanked every higher power his limited mind could think of that his face had survived the fall.

Carlos rolled his eyes, groaning as he walked in front of James to jump up onto the porch. He went over the railing from the side of the foundation, still a little bummed that he wouldn't be climbing the ladder to the second floor window.

"Whatever, I'm sure you'd find a way to rock a black eye," Carlos assured him, and James smiled instantly, choosing to walk around and use the short flight of stairs to get up on the porch beside the Latino.

"You're so right! I don't know why I worry about these things," the tall brunette chuckled, waving a hand through the air in a less than modest way. Carlos just ignored him with a grin and a hop in his step, having grown accustomed to the boy's attitude and knowing he was harmless.

He strolled over to the iron bench situated in front of the large bay window, lifting up the furniture with his ample muscles that had developed from years of hockey. He grabbed the shiny key from beneath the front leg of the bench and tossed it to James, who caught it with ease.

"Honey, we're home!" James exclaimed cheekily after opening the front door. He and Carlos stood in the entryway with their arms spread wide and bright smiles as they watched a now fully dressed Logan come down the stairs nonchalantly without even looking their way. He didn't have to study his friends to speak knowledgeably.

"Carlos, don't track dirt in the house or it's no Pop-Tarts for you," Logan wagged his finger through the air as he passed in front of his friends to move into the kitchen. James stuck his tongue out at the Latino before racing towards the room in his perfectly clean sneakers while Carlos had to stay back and shuffle his feet against the mat.

He was consistently sloppy and haphazard with his clothing and cleanliness. If he spilled something, it was always Logan who told him to go change or he'd go through the rest of the day with a large stain of an odd color on his shirt. At times, it was as if James was his twin brother and Logan was his mother and father put together. Carlos had a good relationship with both of his happily married parents, but he had the independence of an only child even though he actually had three older siblings. His parents considered Carlos a "happy mistake." He was conceived unexpectedly just after the Garcia's last child was sent off to college in a night of celebration between his loving parents. The young boy was always a handful for the older couple, and he easily fell into the habit of spending much of his time with James, Kendall, and Logan as soon as he was able. You would very rarely find Carlos in his own house. He preferred the company of the boys he called his brothers over solitude and silence, always craving excitement and adventure.

As soon as Carlos was sure that all of the dirt was scraped off of his shoes, he ran after the other two boys, skidding to a stop in the kitchen with the linoleum squeaking beneath him and a dirty look from Logan, who was instantly surveying the floor below him for scuff marks. Carlos grinned in apology as he pulled himself up onto a stool beside James at the pristine marble countertop in the center of the room. The handsome brunette bit into his breakfast, watching as his short friend pouted and turned the empty Pop-Tart box over, shaking it dramatically. James smirked and split his pastry in half, offering the larger piece to a silently celebrating Carlos. He bounced in his seat and nibbled on the sweet breakfast treat as Logan sat across from them, choosing an apple from the fruit basket over the sugary food.

"I hope he remembers us…" James was the first to break the silence, biting his bottom lip thoughtfully, referring to Kendall, as he brushed the crumbs off of his hands.

"My mom told me that Mama Knight said he always kept a picture of us, and he's really excited for our reunion," Carlos declared happily, sneaking a sip of the orange juice Logan had gotten for himself.

Mrs. Garcia and Mrs. Knight had been in contact with each other as Karen prepared for the move to Sherwood, and this was the only news the boys had received about their old friend. They had almost skipped out on camp so that they could see him right away, but they had already paid for the three weeks, and their parents refused to let them stay.

"Do you think he's changed? We haven't seen him in so long…" James thought aloud once again, his insecurities that he always tries so hard to hide showing with two of the people he trusts most in the world.

The Kendall Knight these boys knew was strong, brave, and popular. He's the one who had brought the four of them together on the first day of kindergarten. In their minds, he could have altered vastly without them. They believe Kendall was meant for greatness in any form and most likely had tons of friends by now due to his natural charm and presence. Little did they know, in Ramsey and most of the places Kendall lived, he had lost his knack for making friends and keeping them. He had stopped trying the second that he left James, Carlos, and Logan behind. He only wanted them.

These three boys were lucky to have kept each other, but they still wanted Kendall… They still needed him. He was their unofficial leader, and the three of them had gone through their teenage years without his guidance. They stayed in their tight knit group, but having Kendall back would make them feel completely whole again, like nothing had ever fully been right since he left.

"People don't change all that much, James. I think we all stay pretty much the same on the inside," Logan answered truthfully, standing up to grab the garbage from the counter and toss it in the trash can. He took his glass of orange juice from Carlos' hands and placed it in the dishwasher, not liking to leave anything piling up in the sink.

"Logie's right!" Carlos agreed wholeheartedly, turning to face James on his left. "You're still pretty and talented. Logan's still smart and skittish, and I'm still awesomely adorable!" he finished giddily, smiling through the last bite of his Pop-Tart before suddenly choking on it. He coughed harshly while Logan rolled his eyes and struck him twice on the back until he could breath normally again.

"Yeah, you're also still a safety hazard to yourself and others," Logan chuckled as Carlos gave him a thumbs-up when he was feeling better and James laughed along, standing and pulling the Latino with him. "Let's head out before someone gets hurt or you break something valuable."

Logan waved his friends forward, gesturing for them to move to the front door as he gave the kitchen a final once-over. He made sure that the stools were in their rightful places under the center counter and the marble was dry beneath his hands. Logan always kept the house in the condition that his mother preferred it: absolutely perfect. Ever since his father left when he was a child, the boy's mother worked hard to give him everything he needed, but not always what he wanted. The successful defense lawyer represented many big companies in America; her important work often taking her to the major cities of the country. Laura Mitchell found herself in New York City many days out of the year and didn't have much personal time to spend with her son. Luckily, Logan found strong relationships with James, Carlos, and Kendall when he was little; giving him something to hold onto after his father left abruptly and his mother struggled to make everything picture perfect for what remained of their broken family. The brunette got his tendency to over compensate and worry too much from her, but his friends helped him to relax when he needed it and provided him with a healthy balance that he would be lost without. That's how he knew that having Kendall in their lives again could only improve what they had. Logan could never have too many supportive people in his life. In fact, he desperately needed more whether he admitted it or not. As soon as he was old enough, Laura left him home alone when she would leave on business trips, and Logan learned quickly to fend for himself and prove to his mother that he was capable. He tried to stay in control of every part of his life when, in actuality, he was probably more lost than the rest of those around him.

With one last scan of the foyer, Logan led his friends outside and locked the door securely behind them. Carlos hopped down the steps two at a time, never taking the easy way out of anything, including the Mitchell's deck. James laughed and ran after the shorter boy while Logan smiled at the two of them and quickened his pace to a speedy walk to keep up with the rambunctious pair. The group made their way down the familiar street, waving to their friendly neighbors on the five minute trip to the Knight's new home that they could remember vividly from their last years all together as children. After he left, James, Carlos, and Logan would still visit Kendall's Great-great Aunt Margaret in the home as she aged more and more. The boys were even there for her funeral when she had passed away, most of the town having loved the sweet woman who lived there her whole life. Now, the Knight family was back, adding a new level of excitement and a loud buzz throughout the neighborhood at the change coming to their small town. Most of the older residents remembered Karen and her children, as well as the late Kevin Knight. The family was welcomed back with open arms.

Logan, James, and Carlos had been chatting wildly about all of their exciting possible summer plans with Kendall but fell silent as they reached their destination. The home looked almost exactly like it had three weeks earlier when the boys left for camp and it was still vacant. The only difference was the two cars in the driveway and the multiple new plants in the front of the house. Karen had also placed a wind chime at the corner of the garage. The melodic music rang through the air when a gentle breeze blew in, and it was the only sound around as they stopped in front of the door, suddenly feeling nervous and anxious.

"Are you guys ready?" Logan asked his friends standing on either side of him. James nodded enthusiastically and Carlos bounced up and down as he lunged for the doorbell, ringing it three times in a row with rapid pushes.

All of the boys lit up when Karen answered the door.

"Mama Knight!" the trio all screamed at once, almost laughing in their excitement. Carlos immediately stepped forward for a hug, wrapping the woman he thought of as a second mother in his arms and squeezing her tight.

"Oh my god, Boys! Look at you!" Karen laughed, pulling Carlos back to survey his grown body and petting his hair affectionately. "You've all grown up so handsome!"

"I know!" James giggled excitedly, loving the compliment and instantly taking his turn to hug the small woman as he didn't even bother with modesty. Karen was lifted completely off of the ground in the pretty boy's strong arms while he swayed her gently from side to side. She was still smiling brilliantly when he placed her back down.

"How are you?" Logan asked politely, being the last one to embrace her. She kissed his cheek and spent extra time squeezing the dark haired boy against her, knowing his lack of motherly affection must be getting to him a bit.

Logan melted into her with a sigh, enjoying the warmth that Mama Knight always gave him. He felt protected and cared for with her. He loved his own mother, but she wasn't around enough for him to get anything of substance from her. He could take Karen's affection without having to give anything in return, and he almost forgot how nice it was to feel like he would be taken care of. In their younger years, Karen was always a soothing figure for them. She was the one who had given James his highly valued lucky comb. She was the first one by Carlos' side when he got injured in their antics. She was the woman Logan let himself cry around, not wanting to upset his own stressed mother with his problems.

"I'm… okay. How are all of you? How's school?" Karen asked excitedly, appearing to shy away from the subject of herself, but the boys didn't seem to notice at first.

"Logan's keeping us afloat," James laughed, patting his smart friend on the shoulder as Carlos nodded in agreement. "Where's Kendall? Can you tell him we're here?" he continued happily, all three boys peering over the woman's shoulder and into the quiet house.

"Oh, boys…. Um, I don't think Kendall wants visitors right now… It was a rough move for him," Karen's smile fell as she vaguely explained her son's situation. James, Carlos, and Logan were instantly concerned, all of their brows creasing.

"Is he alright?" Carlos frowned, the sour expression looking absolutely wrong on his usually cheery face.

"He's, uh- Why don't you guys come back tomorrow… give him another day to adjust?" Karen offered optimistically, her hand gripping the doorknob tightly as she fought to smile at the innocent trio in front of her.

Even though Kendall had already had three weeks to "adjust", the boys instantly agreed.

"Okay, we'll be back tomorrow, I guess…" Logan mumbled, still confused by the whole situation. The boys had heard nothing but good things about Kendall coming back to town, and now they were being turned away by Karen at his door. With one look at James and Carlos, he knew they were as determined as he was to get to the bottom of this, but they would leave for now since it seemed to be what Mama Knight wanted.

"I'll see you tomorrow, boys. Hopefully things will be better by then," Karen remained vague, watching the group back away from the door sadly. It was as if she desperately wanted them to stay, and she didn't want them to wait to see her son, but she did it anyway. James, Logan, and Carlos nodded solemnly, waving gently as she shut the front door.

Karen leaned against the solid wood surface once she clicked the lock into place with a loud groan. She pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed as she moved forward to ascend the stairs. She hated seeing the looks of depression on the ignorant boys' faces. They had no idea what was happening to Kendall, and she wanted them to, but it wasn't her place to tell them. As she walked through the hallway, Karen came to a stop at her daughter's room. Katie was sitting at her desk and playing solitaire with a deck of cards. The young brunette gathered the cards into a pile as she finished the game.

"Who was that?" she asked her mother, turning in her chair to face the woman at her door. The little girl wasn't donning her usual smile of mischief. She looked tired.

"It was the boys. They-"

"Did Kendall see them?" Katie questioned, her eyes sparking for just a second with a glimmer of hope and her posture stiffening in her chair. Her shoulders instantly slumped when Karen shook her head slowly.

"No, I didn't think he'd want to. He hardly talks to us. I'm not sure he'd be ready for the three of them, even though I think it would be good for him to be reunited with the guys," Karen sighed softly, watching Katie nod in understanding before turning her back to her and continuing with another game of solitaire. "I'll make sandwiches for lunch if you want…" Karen offered just before she walked away.

"Not hungry," Katie mumbled, laying the cards on top of her desk with a practiced hand but not seeming to really be paying attention to them.

"Okay…" Karen gave up the conversation, just as she had been doing for the last week, and walked away from her daughter's room. She moved to the end of the hall. Kendall's bedroom door was slightly ajar, and she pushed it open slowly.

Kendall sat on the center of his bed. He wore sweatpants, a white T-shirt, and a permanent frown. Her son had his legs folded beneath him and was completely still except for his fidgeting hands. One of them was wrapped in thick gauze around the knuckles and the other held a small object she couldn't see. Kendall hadn't moved from this position for several hours. Karen had only heard him go to the bathroom and do absolutely nothing else for the past week. He wouldn't even eat unless she left food in his room and reminded him. Kendall had shut himself off. After a new development with Sage, the whole Knight family was suffering…

"I turned them away," Karen spoke suddenly, breaking the silence, knowing he must have known it was the boys at the door. It was only a few weeks ago that he had been so thrilled about their upcoming reunion.

"Thanks," Kendall answered shortly, his voice completely devoid of any emotion as he didn't even look up at his mother. His mind was nearly blank when it came to the reality around him; his focus completely on his hands.

"I don't want to do it again…" she warned him, attempting to sound stern, but it only came out as exhausted and sad.

Kendall had lost interest in what could barely be considered a conversation and didn't even acknowledge her presence any further. Karen breathed deeply through her nose, trying to calm herself down before she whispered a goodbye and shut his door harshly in frustration.

Her son didn't even blink.

Kendall's personality had been altered entirely in his weeks in Minnesota without Sage. He had been prepared to miss her, knowing it would be difficult, but he was completely unprepared for what had happened only days after the move. They had plans to stay in touch, and they fell through, but that was, surprisingly, the least of his worries.

Elliot destroyed all of the hope he had left…

* * *

_**3 weeks earlier…**_

* * *

_Kendall stood in the center of his new room, which had actually been his old room at one time, before glancing at the empty four walls with a heavy sigh. It was the same house where they had stayed their last few years in Minnesota before finances and a job opportunity for Karen forced them into North Dakota. It held so many memories, both good and bad, but Kendall wanted more. He had no experiences with Sage here. Now, this was _**his **_room, not _**their **_room._

_He hadn't unpacked much in the last two days, still inwardly opposing the move and resisting it every chance he got. Kendall huffed out one last breath before finally grabbing his box of personal items from the floor by his window. His clothes were already in the closet and dresser, but he hadn't touched the last box that would truly finalize his room and would make it impossible for him to turn his mind backwards._

_After cutting the tape along the seams, Kendall threw the scissors onto his desk and ripped the cardboard open. He walked around, finding places for his random belongings, leaving the pictures in the box for safe keeping until he could find the right place for them. He smiled softly as he picked up the framed image of James, Carlos, Logan, and himself when they were young. One of the best parts of Minnesota was that they would be here with him in three weeks. Kendall wanted their reunion almost as much as he wanted Sage…_

_The thought of his girlfriend had Kendall frowning and gritting his teeth in worry as he fished her necklace from his pocket where he had been keeping it close. Sage had handed it over to him for one last time in the car after they made love, knowing she couldn't have it with Elliot around. They promised each other that she would wear it everyday once they were together again._

_Now, it would only be 370 days until their reunion, but something was wrong. Kendall could feel it in his heart thudding in his chest, just like that night so many months ago when he had known she was in trouble. He and Sage hadn't spoken a single word to each other since their final goodbye. It wasn't supposed to be this way. They had designated times for phone calls, and Sage had missed every single one along with the dozens of extra times he tried to get in contact with her. It had only been two days, but, with Elliot's past behavior, that was more than enough time for Kendall to feel like the world was ending._

_Just as he hung the sliver heart on his bed post, where he would be able to see it when he couldn't sleep at night, Karen walked by his room with a laundry basket. She had just barely disappeared when Kendall spoke._

_"Mom… please?" he begged her softly, knowing she heard him when she retraced her steps so that she stood in his doorway. This was a conversation he'd been having with her continuously ever since Sage hadn't answered his first call._

_"Kendall…" Karen sighed in exhaustion, a sure sign that her resolve was crumbling._

_"Something's wrong in Ramsey. I can feel it. Just let me go and check in, and, if everything's like we left it, I'll come back right away… I just need to see… I need to see Sage so I can be sure…" he broke off in a whisper, his tears of panic threatening to escape his green eyes. He didn't even know what he expected to see in Ramsey that would make him feel better. The odds favored him finding Sage with fresh bruises, which was enough to make him sick, but he couldn't fight the voice inside of his head telling him that something else was going on. He prayed for the best, whatever that may be…_

_"You have to call every two hours so I know you're alive on the way there _**and**_ back," Karen gave in to her son's instincts. It was very rare that he was ever wrong, and, if she was being honest with herself and following her motherly intuition, Karen had a wary feeling about Sage's lack of communication as well._

_"Thank you!" Kendall smiled widely for the one of the first times since the move back to Minnesota. He gathered his mother up in a tight embrace, squeezing her quickly before stepping back and grabbing his keys. "I promise… I'm probably worrying for nothing anyway, right?" he laughed weakly as Karen offered him half of a smile._

_"Right…"_

* * *

_Kendall__ had made the six hour drive in record time; knocking it down to five and a half hours with a lead foot and determination propelling him forward. His anxiety was bubbling over, his breathing becoming sharper as he drove through town. School was out for the day, children and teenagers littered the sidewalks at the center of Ramsey, the population getting more sparse by the second as he reached the edge of town where the Henderson's house was. The whole town seemed exactly the same, giving Kendall an eerie feeling even though he couldn't imagine how it should have looked after only 48 hours. It was as if, since his whole world turned upside down in that time, he had just expected the rest would tumble along with it, but everyone was still smiling and unaware of what was really going on with one of their best police officers._

_"'To serve and protect', my ass…" Kendall scoffed, driving down the final road to his destination while anger was taking over his anxiety. Anytime he thought of Elliot made him fill with rage; his fists clenching against the steering wheel as his leg bounced rapidly. However, every feeling left Kendall's body completely when he saw the monster in his driveway leaning underneath the hood of his squad car. Elliot wasn't supposed to be home now… It's not part of the schedule he'd been following for months… What changed?_

_Kendall was numb as he parked the car, forcing his mind not to jump to conclusions even though the bad feelings were taking over every fiber of his being. His skin crawled when Elliot looked up after Kendall slammed his door shut. The man instantly had an infuriating smirk on his face, glancing at the blonde with dark, brown eyes before turning back to his work under the hood of his car._

_"Why are you here?" Kendall growled, crossing his arms over his chest as he kept his eyes glued to the man in front of him._

_"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" Elliot chuckled darkly, shooting him a short glare before going back to what he was doing. It seemed as though he was checking the oil, the substance covering his fingers and a rag in one of his hands. _

_"Where is she, Elliot?" Kendall asked sternly, not having any patience for the man's mind games. He went for a question that he hoped would have a more direct answer. However, he forgot who he was dealing with. Nothing was ever easy with Sage's stepfather. _

_"Sage is in foster care," Elliot explained simply, shrugging and hiding his smile at the blonde boy's shock. Kendall's blood ran cold and his eyes immediately stung as he fought to take air into his lungs._

_"Tell me that you're fucking lying, you son of a bitch!" he yelled wildly, his hands balling into fists at his sides as he struggled not to lunge at the brunette. Elliot ignored his outburst and continued to remain aggravatingly calm._

_"I'm not, Knight. You fucked her up too bad," the man explained unsympathetically, placing all of the blame on Kendall. "She was _**inconsolable **_after you left her… It was worse than dealing with her when you were still around. I was tired of her, so I sent her away," Elliot waved his hand, gesturing in a random direction without care before bending at the waist to tinker underneath the hood of the car once again. He wouldn't even give Kendall the time of day, and he didn't seem care about Sage at all. The blonde felt as if he was going to be sick as the reality of the situation was dawning on him and weighing his aching body down._

_"Why couldn't you just let Sage come with me?" he asked is a hoarse whisper as he leaned one hand on the car beside him, feeling as though he couldn't keep himself standing otherwise. He didn't know where she was… _

_"Then you'd win," Elliot shrugged, slamming the hood shut with a harsh force that made Kendall shudder; thinking of that power being used on Sage, but now he didn't have to worry about that, right?_

_But there was so much more to fret over…_

_"This isn't a game. This is a girl's life!" Kendall screamed, taking one step closer to Elliot, freezing when the brunette snapped his attention to him, finally looking completely at him with a ferocious anger and animosity._

_"Yeah, a life that _**I**_ control. Maybe if she was a little more compliant, I could have kept Sage's annoying ass around," Elliot rolled his eyes in frustration, acting as if his stepdaughter was the problem when the only one with the real issue was himself._

_Kendall__ growled, finally losing his control as he took one large stride towards the police officer, but stopped suddenly when Elliot placed a strong hand on the top of the gun at his belt._

_"Back off, Kendall… Just walk away, or I'll kill you right now and no one will blame me," Elliot smirked as he got the boy's full and frightened attention. "As far as this town is concerned, you're a police bashing, drug dealing, social outcast that's been harassing my family and is _**lucky**_ to be alive," he spoke between clenched teeth, seeming to fight back his own need to launch at Kendall. The blonde finally took a few small steps backwards, his hands still balled at this sides._

_"You can't keep me away from her. You may have given Sage up, but I'm not going to _**ever**_ stop-"_

_"Looking for her?" Elliot finished for him with a sadistic chuckle. "It's gonna be a long and fruitless search my friend. I put her in a secure place for troubled youth. They don't go handing out information about their kids to seventeen-year-old delinquents… I made sure of that," the brunette winked wickedly, loving the pure rage rolling off of the desperate boy in front of him. _

_"Fuck you. I'm going to find her if it's the last thing I ever do," Kendall declared loudly, growling one last time at Elliot before stalking off to his car._

_"Have a wonderful life, Kendall Knight… It was just _**amazing**_ getting to know you," Elliot called out sarcastically, still smirking at the blonde disgustingly and waving casually as he watched the boy get in his vehicle._

_If Kendall had been looking, he would have noticed Elliot's confidence falter for just a second as the man glanced at the house behind him… Maybe things would have turned out different if the man hadn't successfully damaged Kendall's mind and affected his intuition. Normally the boy could feel Sage... and she wasn't as far away as he thought…_

_Kendall__ rushed to drive away, not wanting to let Elliot be around when he finally broke. He couldn't decide if he was going to cry and scream until his throat was permanently damaged or if he was going to strangle Elliot until the man turned blue and he landed himself in jail. Either way, he had to get out of there. He needed a plan. He wasn't going to give up. He _**couldn't**_ give up, or the last of his will to live might disappear along with his hope. _

* * *

Kendall stayed eerily determined for two weeks. His mother and Katie watched on sadly as he crumbled piece by piece right in front of their eyes. It was fourteen days straight of phone calls around the country, searching for any information he could get on Sage. He wouldn't stop no matter how much Karen told him he wouldn't be able to find her because of her secure placement by Elliot. He ignored his mother completely and kept going. He was on the internet and the telephone all night and day, hardly sleeping at all unless it claimed him without his consent.

After phone call two-hundred and forty-seven and one more quote of "I'm sorry, Sir, but we can't give out that kind of information," Kendall finally lost it. He threw the phone across his bedroom along with most of his belongings. He kicked randomly, lashing out on anything within his reach. Climbing towards his peak, Kendall had punched his fist into the mirror on his wall, shattering the glass into hundreds of slivers that clattered to the ground. He had sliced his knuckles open, the blood flowing freely down his wrist as he sobbed. Kendall had fallen to the ground, screaming into his bloody hand until his lungs gave out.

Now, one week later, he sat in his room in a near catatonic state. Depression couldn't even describe it. The imaginary poison that had been inside of him the night he first learned about Elliot abusing Sage was back in his veins. It coursed through him with a whole new vengeance. It won't stop flowing through him. Nothing will slow it down. Nothing will ease the pain. He doesn't have Sage to gather up into his arms and whisper sweet nothings to. She was always his salvation, just as he was hers. Kendall couldn't imagine living without her, and, within these last three weeks, what he had been doing would definitely not be called "living". His life was reduced to moving only when he had to; the rest of his time being filled with the overwhelming sensation of pain and worry. He was plagued with a constant headache as flashbacks and nightmares assaulted him all at once.

He could remember every good and bad time with Sage like he was experiencing it all over again. The problem was that these thoughts and images were all he had to hold onto. There was no more hope left inside of him. Even though he had fought it at first, it died completely the second he learned his soul mate was placed into foster care. She was finally away from Elliot, but her new situation couldn't have been that much better. What if it was worse? There were always terrible stories about foster care, and, no matter where she was, Sage would be surrounded by strangers. She **_hated _**strangers. She couldn't trust easily after surviving through years of Elliot's abuse. She couldn't stand being touched, and Kendall wasn't there to tell her everything would be okay and kiss away her tears. The worse part is that Sage would never know where Kendall is. Their plan to keep it from her as an effort to hide his location from Elliot had backfired in a terrible way that they never imagined. They had taken all of the necessary precautions to ensure their bright and happy futures, and all of their planning had come back to bite them in the ass. If Sage didn't know his location, then she would have no clue how to find him when she was pushed out of the foster care system at age eighteen. She would be left to fend for herself with no where to go. Sage was supposed to be with him for the rest of their lives. They were only supposed to be separated for a year. Now, they may never see each other again…

It's all Kendall can think about as he traps himself inside of his own mind. He's always focused on the positive, but he can't do it anymore. Kendall Knight has given up…

He sat on his bed after his mother slammed his door shut. He faintly registered her mentioning that the boys had been there and that she sent them away. Kendall loved James, Carlos, and Logan unconditionally ever since they first met, but he didn't have room inside of his head to worry about them now. He could hardly talk to his mother or Katie. He was lost and had no idea how to find his way out of the darkness he found himself submerged in or even if he wanted to be out of it… Kendall looked down at his hands. One of them was bandaged after he had punched the mirror a week ago, the blood seeping through the gauze in random places. The glass from the broken mirror still littered his floor along with many other items. His bedroom looked like a tornado had ripped through it. The furniture was askew and his clothing lay everywhere. The only things left untouched were the pictures of Sage as well as the cherished frame of the image of Logan, James, Carlos, and himself. In his uninjured hand, Kendall held his most prized possession. He grasped the silver pendant tightly in his palm, before opening it wide enough to see the jewelry shine in the soft sunlight entering the window through his curtains. As he traced the intertwined "S" and "K" with the tip of his index finger, Kendall spoke with a voice that was ragged and hoarse from screaming and crying.

"I miss you…"

* * *

**A/N: If you believed everything Elliot said… Come on! I taught you better than that ;D**

**Did you like the boys? I really liked the change in tone they brought to the story/next part of this :) Don't worry! We'll have a reunion with James, Carlos, Logan, and Kendall in the next chapter… It's gonna be good ;D (at least I think so lol) And you got a glimpse into the lives of the three boys, but there is so much more to tell and learn with them ;D**

**PLEASE Review. As always, anonymous reviews are enabled, so come say hello and let me know how you liked the shift in the story :D (I personally love what the boys bring to the table)**


	17. Big Time Party Crasher

**A/N: about an hour later than I wanted it to be, but this is one of my FAVORITE chapters. I've had some of the dialogue planned since August ;D :D :D**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot.**

**Suggestion: **

***Go read ****Surfergal23 ****'s Kendall/OC story called ****"Hooked"**** and her new one "****Bittersweet****"- both are great :)  
**

**Thank you! Thank you! Thank you**** to every single one of you that is reading this. I have such a great passion for this story, and I love to see that other people enjoy reading it :)**

_**-waterwicca**_

* * *

_CHAPTER 17: BIG TIME PARTY CRASHER_

* * *

It had been four full days since James, Carlos, and Logan first tried to see Kendall. The three of them were more persistent than the blonde could ever remember them being. They came to the Knight's door every day at various times, only to be turned away by Karen. She had said she wouldn't make excuses for Kendall, but, with one look at his pale face and dark eyes, Mrs. Knight rejected the boys' presence again and again. Although, she never missed an opportunity to encourage them to come back; hoping that her son would change his mind eventually if his best friends didn't give up on him.

Kendall still sat in his room where he had remained now for nearly two full weeks. He's been frustratingly silent the whole time, curling in on himself and his thoughts. The only signs of life he gives his mother are the slow breaths he takes in and small, occasional words of acknowledgement he utters when asked a direct question. With Sage's absence and a nearly unbreakable promise of never seeing her again, something has broken inside of Kendall. He couldn't care like he used to. Being strong, confident, and optimistic took effort and life that he simply couldn't possess anymore. All of his energy, physical and mental, was ripped out of him the second he let himself believe that finding Sage was a lost cause. He had stayed unbearably strong for several days before he started deteriorating faster than he himself could have imagined. If he wanted to even bother with the gesture, Kendall would have laughed bitterly at realizing that he should have seen his own downfall coming. Kendall Knight was supposed to be on top of his and everyone else's problems. He should have recognized the symptoms of a breakdown that he was usually so prepared to handle, but this was different. This was _**his**_ breakdown. He couldn't help himself when he didn't even have the power to speak more than a few words at a time or control his own body. Nothing made sense anymore or held the same worth it used to.

It was nighttime as his eyes darted around his dark bedroom nervously. Kendall shook his leg in agitation, his fingers gripping at the hem of his shirt while his exhausted body fought off sleep. He had been rejecting the much needed relaxation for several days with only his thoughts to keep him awake as his eyes snapped open and shut rapidly. After taking a deep breath, Kendall sat up from his reclined position on his bed to plant his feet firmly on the ground with two dull thuds. He sucked in air harshly through his nose before exhaling slowly multiple times in a row, creating a steady rhythm and the only sound in the small room that seemed to shrink more and more with every passing second. If he took even a single moment to focus on it, slumber called to him from the back of his brain; loudly chanting as if to lull him into unconsciousness, but Kendall wouldn't allow it. With sleep, comes the unbearable nightmares, none of which are worth the few minutes of fitful rest he'd get.

They're all the same. Sage is always begging him to save her. Her heavenly voice cries out brokenly, the sound making every bone in his body feel as if it were about to shatter while he watches her in horror. She's constantly being beaten in the nightmare. Sometimes it's random strangers Kendall has never seen but imagines them to be people surrounding her in foster care, but, most of the time, it's Elliot who is beating the love of his life into a bloody mess. If he's asleep long enough, the images always accumulate to the same thing: his beautiful lover is bleeding so much that dark red pools sickeningly beneath her lifeless form. Her emerald eyes stare at him widely, unmoving after her last breath, yet her screams still ring shrilly in echoes around him as he approaches her. The worst part is always right before he wakes up. Kendall can't even touch her cold body. He just wants to hold her pale hand. He wants to feel her one last time, but he can never reach her. It's like something is holding him back. Just as he feels like ending his own life and laying down as close as he can get to her, Kendall jolts awake with rigid muscles and labored breaths, and he's instantly angry that he let himself drift off.

As Kendall throws his head into his hands with a groan, he fights off the urge to scream. Sage's cries fill his mind almost as easily as the real memories he shared with her. In the last two weeks, the negative feelings he's been bombarded with have leveled out any of the positive emotions left inside of him, rendering him angry and overall numb; practically emotionless on the outside but constantly sobbing and yelling in guilt on the inside. He can't help but feel like leaving her is entirely his fault. He repeatedly wonders what he could have done differently; always running through scenarios in his mind and finding the results easy to think of now that it's all over and done with, all of the decisions having been made for him. They say hindsight is 20/20…

Kendall jumped up and began pacing his room right after he found his eyes shutting involuntarily. He couldn't handle another nightmare like all the others. He was desperate to do anything to avoid the dreams. He needed to get out. He needed to breathe and move. His body ached relentlessly after the permanent separation from Sage and his overwhelming exhaustion only added to the helplessness he was feeling. Kendall had to do something to take control of himself. He walked across his bedroom, dodging random debris that littered the floor after he broke down several days prior. Stepping over clothing, shattered glass, and his overturned chair at his desk, Kendall made his way to the dresser containing the rest of his clothes. He stripped off his sweatpants and quickly replaced them with the first pair of jeans he could find before pulling a random t-shirt over his shaggy hair. Without even bothering to find his wallet or keys, Kendall grabbed the only thing that mattered. He placed Sage's necklace safely into his pocket, patting the denim of his jeans a few times to neurotically check that it was still there as he climbed up onto his desk.

He didn't have a short expanse of roof outside of his window like he had in Ramsey, but a trellis with overgrown vines was positioned only a foot to the right of the opening. Since Karen and Katie were sleeping, he was careful to be as silent as possible, finding it not to be much of a problem since most of his movements were slow and deliberate anyway as he climbed down the shaky wooden structure. As his feet hit the thick grass beneath his bedroom window, Kendall took one moment to look up at the house before walking around it quietly and making his way onto the road. The only light came from the streetlamps located every dozen yards along the block. All of the homes were relatively dark and motionless, many of Sherwood's residents slumbering peacefully in their beds. Kendall shoved his hands deep into his pockets, not even finding it in himself to be jealous as he walked along aimlessly on the pavement.

A dog barked in the distance, making it the only sound Kendall could hear as he took in the sights around him. He hadn't really had time to explore the old neighborhood since the move back to Minnesota. Before he knew it, he was passing Logan's house. It looked almost exactly as he remembered it from when he was ten years old, but the flowers planted in the soil at the front around the deck were a different color from when he was younger. There were no lights on in the windows, not even in the room that he assumed was still Logan's. Kendall hesitated for a moment longer than he thought he would, almost feeling the need to approach the Mitchell's house before shaking his head firmly and turning on his heels. He wasn't prepared to see his friends again. At first, he had been excited for their reunion, but now he didn't think he could handle it. He didn't want to be expected to smile or laugh or feel when he could hardly speak to his mom or sister. Kendall felt like a failure, and didn't want the boys he considered his brothers to see him like that. He remembered always being strong for them, holding them together through all of the hard times they faced as children, but, in the recent weeks, he lost who he was and who he wanted to be.

It was a five minute walk, with no conscious decision making as to which direction he would go, before Kendall found himself passing the Garcia's house. The small home looked similar to his memories of it, but there were no more toys littering the front lawn, and, with one look into the backyard, he could see that Carlos' swing set and slide were no longer standing and the grass was overgrown. As he squinted with tired eyes, Kendall could still see their old tree house silhouetted against the moonlight. He almost smiled at the memories of the four of them spending Sunday afternoons in there with juice boxes and comic books to occupy their wild attention spans before it was time for dinner, but his forming smile faded faster than it had even started when horrific, bloody images of Sage coated his mind as if to remind him of his lack of sleep and the nightmares that awaited him. Kendall picked up his pace as he rushed away from Carlos' house, hurrying to move along the street to wherever his feet would take him.

Attempting to completely clear his mind of everything, Kendall focused only on the cement beneath his sneakers with his eyes cast downward. The warm air of summer blew lightly against his face, the change in atmosphere doing his restless body some good. The new surroundings and space kept his muscles moving so that he didn't have time to consider sleep. He only had to think about putting one foot in front of the other, the action itself almost requiring no thought at all, much to Kendall's relief. He didn't know how long he had been walking before he started to hear more noises cutting through the silent neighborhood. He looked up and saw a large patch of woods to his left, only having vague memories of the forest from his childhood there. The group of four boys rarely spent time within the trees, having played more often at each other's houses or the playground. There was a soft orange glow coming from deep within the woods paired with the dull sound of music. Not really caring where he ended up, Kendall didn't put much thought into it as he walked in the direction of the lights and sounds.

About a half of a mile deep into the forest, Kendall came upon a party. There was a bonfire at the center of a circle of cars and dozens of teenagers. Many of them were drunk or on their way there, red plastic cups in nearly every hand. A few small groups were playing beer pong on clumsily set up card tables while random couples were engaging in sloppy hookups within the cars and the shadows of the surrounding trees, giving them a false sense of privacy. The whole atmosphere was wild and dirty, every person there relinquishing control and melting their stress away with various methods of coping. The last time Kendall had been in this situation, he had been above all of the casual drinking because he had something better in his life that would always make everything okay. Any pain he had was bearable when he had Sage to gather in his arms. She was the perfect therapy for him, but he couldn't have her now.

He needed new medication.

* * *

"We're heading out, Dad!" James called to his father as he turned the television off and stood up from the couch with Logan and Carlos on either side of him.

The trio had spent the evening at James' apartment where he lived almost full time with his dad, only staying with his mother every other weekend after he turned thirteen. His divorced parents had shared custody of their only son for the first several years after their split, but, once James was old enough, they let him make his own choices as to where he wanted to live; knowing that they would see their son more than enough because they both lived so close to one another. Christopher Diamond rented a condo in Sherwood, while his ex-wife had a house near the edge of town.

"You guys have fun! I want details in the morning. If you come back home with any girls, just put a sock on the door," Chris walked into the main room of the condo wearing only a pair of overly ripped jeans with a wide smile and a beer in his hand as he nudged his son's shoulder playfully. James laughed and nodded, bumping fists with his father as Carlos giggled beside them. Logan rolled his eyes and bit his tongue, never appreciating Christopher Diamond's lack of maturity even around his only son that he was supposed to be responsible for most of the time.

Logan never really liked spending time around James' place, not feeling safe around Chris' nonchalant parenting style, and becoming more stressed as they aged, feeling as if it was his job to keep James out of harm's way with no one else to look out for him. He also didn't have an excuse to not hang out at the Diamond's since his mother was still away on business and couldn't make up a lie that she said he wasn't allowed to go. Truthfully, Logan was permitted to do almost anything he wanted, Laura Mitchell fully trusting her responsible son with his own upbringing most of the time while she was busy with work. However, the fretful brunette often used his repetitively absent mother as an excuse for his worrisome ways.

"This is gonna be awesome. It's our first time around everyone as seniors. We're gonna run the school!" Carlos giggled excitedly, almost tripping over his own feet as he danced wildly towards the door with James in tow with his own hop in his step.

The group was on their way to a party being held in the woods by the recently graduated teens. It was the first one of the old students' final summer before college. The boys were expected to make an appearance, but they wouldn't necessarily be missed if they never showed. However, James was pulling his friends along on his ride to the top of the hierarchy, being the master of mingling and socializing with his peers. The pretty boy was all about making impressions and a popular name for himself and his best friends. Most thought James was independent, but a small fact only known to those surrounding him constantly was that the aspiring star hated being alone.

"We're not really seniors until September," Logan reminded them smartly, effectively ending the pair's celebration. "Also, I don't think Ms. Cohen would approve of us going to a party in the middle of the night where there will most likely be alcohol and-"

"Logan, you worry too much, man! Besides, Sandy's not in charge here. I am. James' mom tends to suck the fun and life out of _**everything**_. Right, Son?" Chris chuckled and winked at James, who easily laughed along with a vigorous nod.

Sandra Cohen, formerly Mrs. Sandra Diamond, was so different from Chris that they contrasted more harshly than night and day or fire and ice. While Mr. Diamond was a free spirited dreamer, Sandra was a strict, well focused real estate agent. It was easy to see why the wild James would want to live with his father. He felt that he was understood more around Chris, and the man supported his son's big Hollywood hopes; having numerous unrealized pipedreams of his own. When he was around his dad, James could get away with almost anything short of murdering someone, while his mother would always keep a close eye on him. She worries about his lofty ideas and attitudes, wishing with all of her heart that James would be more realistic or at least have a Plan B to fall back on if he couldn't make it in Los Angeles. James, though, didn't want to hear any possibilities of failure pass her lips; their conversations usually infuriating him to the point of storming out even on his weekends at her place.

As Logan watched the group laugh beside him at the expense of James' hardworking mother, he was suddenly glad that he didn't have a father in the picture at all if his parents weren't going to be happily married like the Garcia's or like Kendall's parents used to be before Mr. Knight's death. At least Logan wasn't forced to hear opinions on his father from others who hated him. With just his mom around occasionally, he was allowed the luxury of formulating his own views on her and his nonexistent father. Whether the thoughts were good or bad, they were his and his alone with no one else grooming him to think otherwise. Logan actually enjoyed spending time with Sandra when he would occasionally see her on her weekend with James. The woman reminded him of his own mother, except she was always around and actually making an effort to fit herself into James' life. James thought it was a nuisance, but Logan couldn't help but feel a bit jealous and infuriated at him for not being thankful for what he had.

As usual, Logan decided to stay out of it as he walked towards the door, knowing he wouldn't be able to talk his way out of going to the party.

"Let's go if we're going," he sighed heavily and held the front door open, waving his hand dramatically to usher James and Carlos through.

"Cheer up, Logie! It's a party, not a funeral… See ya around, Chris!" Carlos pushed his friend playfully before turning back to say goodbye to James' dad. Logan couldn't stop himself from rolling his eyes a second time. Mr. Diamond had always insisted the boys call him by his first name, and the respectful boy hated it. Logan wouldn't have minded so much if it was a gradual change as they got older, actually feeling as though James' dad was offering them a level of respect and maturity as he saw them as men, but Christopher had none of this in mind. He had them calling him "Chris" since they were six years old.

"Goodnight, Mr. Diamond," Logan smirked as he turned to follow Carlos out the door, knowing that the man would instantly correct his choice of name.

"I told you to call me 'Chris'. You're making me feel old," Christopher called out, leaning against the doorframe as he watched Carlos and Logan walk down the hall of the main building. The smart boy merely waved to let him know he heard him, chuckling lightly and fighting the urge to remind him that he was a 37-year-old man.

Chris ran a hand through his unkempt, dark hair while turning to his son with a smirk.

"Have a great night, James. Don't do anything I wouldn't do," he laughed heartily, knowing that there was a long list of "do's" and a minuscule column of "don'ts" when it came to his way of life. He slapped his son on the shoulder softly as the boy passed by him, running his small, black lucky comb through his hair expertly.

"Alright, Dad, I love you! See you when I see you!" James gave his father a quick hug, squeezing the loved man tightly in his toned arms and smiling as he felt him embrace him equally as tight.

The two men of the Diamond family didn't show too much affection towards one another beyond talking about parties and girls, but, when these moments happened, both of them appreciated it. Chris may not be the best role model, but he loved his only son with all of his big heart. It was just too bad that the boy hung on the older man's every word no matter how inappropriate his advice was. James wanted to be just like his dad ever since he was young, and only Logan seemed to realize that is wasn't a good thing. Mr. Diamond lived pay check to pay check and had a lazy attitude about life and relationships. James had witnessed his own father bring home one night stands on numerous occasions throughout his teenage years.

"Wait up, guys!" James yelled and ran after Logan and Carlos, who were already halfway down the stairs. He descended two steps at a time, all three boys running with overabundant energy until they stepped outside of the building.

They all laughed and talked easily about the party and random topics as they walked through the streets of Sherwood, until a silence fell over them and forced them to talk about the most overwhelmingly important subject on their minds.

"So, Logan, what do you think we should do tomorrow?" Carlos turned to the smart boy for answers, James following suit immediately.

They all knew he was talking about Kendall. The boys had been trying to see him every day since they came back from camp, but, no matter what they said or did, Mama Knight turned them away at the door, saying that Kendall isn't awake or wasn't in the mood to see anyone because of the "rough move". However, Kendall's three best friends refused to give up. After only two days of being polite, they had resorted to begging Karen to let them in until he woke up or to just let them see him for a minute. Logan, Carlos, and James were convinced that they could make him better like he always did for them and they would always do for each other.

"Well, we're onto Plan F. We've tried everything. The only thing left is to sit outside the house until he comes out. I mean, he can't stay in there forever, right?" Logan offered with only a bit of hope, seeming to doubt his own logic.

"He's been refusing to see us for five days straight. There's no telling what he will or won't do… Kendall used to be so predictable," James trailed off sadly, feeling helpless. Kendall had needed them when his father died, but, other than that, the blonde had always remained extremely strong. The boys could fully count on him to have fun or go to him for support in a hard time. He was so easily dependable and confident. He was their leader with all the plans, and, now, the trio was still missing the essential piece to their group. Logan had the brains out of the three of them, but he wasn't anywhere near as good at planning and scheming as Kendall used to be. It was like trying to get a machine to work with no power source. It felt next to impossible, but they weren't giving up.

"We could set the house on fire, and then he'd _**have**_ to come out!" Carlos offered giddily, being playful despite the tension surrounding them. He always managed to offer the best distractions.

"Let's leave the thinking to Logan, Carlitos," James laughed lightly, shoving the shorter boy's arm before running towards their final destination.

Carlos yelped and held his arm dramatically with a pout as he ran after him with a hidden smile. Logan chuckled at his friends' antics and sped up to stay near them as they all entered the woods. The trees were dense from where they entered only a quarter of a mile away from the complex where James' dad lived. They knew there was a path on the other side of the circle that the forest created at the center of town, but cutting through was quicker, and they had the light of a distant bonfire and the stars above to guide their way. The trio made it to the small clearing in a matter of minutes.

Carlos and Logan attached themselves at the hip while they dutifully followed James to do what the pretty boy referred to as their "rounds". James required them to meet and greet the important people at the party. Even though they had been their peers all throughout high school, the pretty boy used every gathering as a chance to perfect his mingling skills and prepare for his future in Hollywood. Just as he was greeting the recently graduated quarterback of their school's successful football team with Logan and Carlos behind him, they were interrupted by a commotion.

"Come on, hit me! I'll kick your ass!" an obviously drunk guy was yelling on the other side of the bonfire. James quirked a brow at his two friends, who shrugged and started walking around the loose circle formed by the parked cars and the fire at the center.

"Diamond, get the new kid away from me!" Michael Donovan yelled over to James as soon as he spotted him. Michael had just graduated from Sherwood High School a month before with a full scholarship to play hockey in college. He was the team's revered captain and had groomed James during his whole junior year to take his position once he was a senior. The "new kid" was shoving him roughly with a red cup in his free hand, and he seemed to be wobbling even when he attempted to stand still. The scene of someone picking a fight with the post popular senior around was normally enough to catch James attention and having him moving in a matter of seconds to come to the boy's aid like he was expected to, but this was different…

The kid shoving Michael was none other than Kendall Knight.

Logan, James, and Carlos were all frozen in shock. They had been fighting to see him for most of the week, and now he was just standing right in front of them. The three of them hadn't seen him in seven years, but there was no mistaking who it was. Kendall still looked essentially the same to them. His dark blonde hair and sharp features were similar, and, even though his voice had changed with puberty, it still held a distinct sound that had their hearts beating harshly in fond recognition. The boy's presence was almost exactly as it had been all those years ago, except he was scowling and his recognizable, bright green eyes were clouded over and distant. Perhaps the most disturbing feature of Kendall at this time was his plastered state. He was completely drunk, and it instantly scared the boys. They hadn't known him in his teenage years, but Kendall never seemed like the type to get drunk and party. Even James, who loved these types of occasions, very rarely drank to the point of sloppy speech and body movements.

With one more hard push against Michael's chest by Kendall, James and the other two boys blinked out of their stupor and jumped into action.

"Sorry, Mikey. We'll take care of him…" James grinned apologetically at the popular graduate, not letting his charm take over like it usually would. He was too concerned with Kendall's attitude and safety as he grabbed the delirious boy's arm. He was lucky that Michael didn't beat him to a pulp. The muscular redhead was known for his brute force on the ice, but he looked at Kendall as if the boy was insane. He didn't want to make any trouble with someone who had no clue what they were doing.

"Just get him out of here, James. I don't even know where he came from… Who invited the new kid?" Michael yelled to anyone who was listening and received no response except for Kendall.

"Hey, I was here before you! I was here a l-lifetime ago…" the boy slurred, gripping his drink tightly in his hand, "… but everything's a little different, like the ground's farther away," Kendall giggled softly, his eyes darting to the dirt and grass below him as he referred to his growth spurt, which James also noticed now that he was standing right beside him. Kendall had gotten almost as tall as he had.

Just as he raised the cup to his lips for the hundredth time that night, Logan stepped in front of him and swiped it out of his hand smoothly.

"I need that…" Kendall mumbled weakly, letting James pull him away from the group that was starting to surround them.

"I think you've had enough…" Logan tossed the cup to the ground, watching the amber contents pool onto the dirt beneath them before he turned to follow the others. James was on one side of Kendall while Carlos had taken a firm grasp on his other arm. Logan moved so that he was right behind them, apprehensively watching his friend's feet move slowly with the other two boys' guidance.

"What's going on with you, Kendall?" Carlos whispered warily, unsure if the drunk boy had even heard him.

Kendall hummed slightly before turning to him. His eyes squinted dramatically as he studied the shorter boy's face and then glanced at the grip he had on his arm. Even in his intoxicated state, Kendall smiled and recognized his friends. He had been avoiding them for what felt like an eternity, and, now that they were right beside him, he couldn't even remember the reason why he didn't want to see them. He leaned into Carlos' hold on him as he spoke.

"Carlos, you look exactly the same, except you have all your teeth!" Kendall chuckled lightly, pulling his arm away from James with a little resistance. He reached his hand up and shoved his fingers towards Carlos' mouth, missing by a mile and poking his cheeks instead before giving up. Carlos just let him do whatever he wanted with an easygoing smile at his loopy friend. "You look so innocent. Don't lose that, okay?" he asked urgently, suddenly seeming distressed.

"Okay, Buddy…" Carlos reassured him softly, still smiling as he and James guided the blonde through the forest with Logan in tow.

"Promise! Promise me right now that you'll never let the darkest parts of life swallow you whole, 'cause it sucks," Kendall began laughing again, unable to keep his composure serious despite his underlying genuine concern for his friend. "It sucks so fuckin' bad…"

"I promise- "

"Hey, where's your helmet?" Kendall changed his train of thought suddenly, eyeing the top of the Latino's head suspiciously as if it offended him.

"I stopped wearing it all the time when I turned sixteen," Carlos explained immediately, taking Kendall's altered state well compared to James and Logan, who had been staying silent with furrowed brows. Carlos was just happy to be engaging with him in some way. He found it easy, even if Kendall was drunk.

Carlos smiled fondly at the mention of his helmet. He had worn the hockey equipment all the time when he was younger. Even if he was sleeping or showering, he kept the black headgear with him. His father had recognized his reckless behavior at an early age, it being amplified almost as soon as he started playing peewee hockey with Kendall, Logan, and James. He received his first helmet from his dad on his sixth birthday and received upgrades when he needed them as he grew. It made Carlos feel invincible and had his parents feeling slightly better about him running around on his own performing stunts whenever he could. There was no jump too high or hill too steep for him to tackle. When he turned sixteen and his father called him a "young man", Carlos decided to leave the helmet behind every once in a while and push away his dependence on it. It was his way of forcing himself to be more responsible. The plan wasn't always foolproof, especially after he got a concussion while sliding on his mattress down his staircase without the helmet, but he was working on becoming a grown up slowly but surely.

"Well, gear up, Carlos! There's some real shitty shit going down…" Kendall slurred, smiling giddily at his words despite their negative connotation. In the back of his altered mind, he couldn't help but wish he had something to protect him like Carlos' helmet.

"What are you talking about?" James spoke to Kendall for the first time, a frown lacing his usually flawless features as he turned to him in confusion. Kendall wasn't making much sense due to the alcohol, and this was a hell of a way for the four of them to be reunited.

"James!" Kendall screamed excitedly, as if this was the first time he noticed the pretty boy holding onto his other arm. "You would have loved her so much, James… She sings just like you. She's an _**angel**_… but I lost her… and I can't find her," Kendall rambled on, looking around the surrounding forest as if he was going to see Sage there if he searched hard enough. He shrugged out of James' and Carlos' grasp. The boys were only more confused, not knowing who "she" was.

"Alright, Kendall… We're going to get you home to sleep this off. You'll feel better in the morning," Logan stepped in, soothingly rubbing a hand along his distressed friend's shoulder and taking over in guiding him through the trees. Before they even took one step, Kendall pushed him roughly and studied the brunette's frightened appearance. The blonde frowned and started to tear up, blinking and shaking his head.

"I'm never gonna feel better. I need her! I need her so bad. Everything hurts…" Kendall trailed off sadly as Logan cautiously approached him for the second time, making his movements slower as he reached for Kendall's arm again. His eyes darted nervously to James and Carlos, who looked just as helpless as he felt while their friend continued speaking with a more cheerful demeanor. "Fix it, Dr. Logan! You still wanna be a doctor, don't you?"

Logan sighed in exasperation, already growing tired from Kendall's mood swings. He couldn't make any sense of it, and the smart boy thrived on reason. This was completely new territory for him. Kendall was rash and erratic, and all Logan could remember him being was the level headed person he looked up to for support in tough times. After taking a calming breath, he turned to speak to Kendall softly as the boy allowed them to move forward once again. They had almost made it to the road now.

"Yes, I do, but I don't think-"

"That's great… It's nice to have ambitions. _**We**_ had ambitions… I always told her that I'd give her anything she ever wanted… I couldn't even keep him away from her!" Kendall yelled again, groaning and pouting, but not tearing himself away from Logan this time. Carlos raised a brow as he fell into step beside him and Kendall. James came to the other side of the pair, instantly taking the upper arm of the shaky blonde in support.

Just as silence fell over them, and Kendall seemed to get lost inside of his own head, James sighed heavily and looked past him to glance at Logan and Carlos. He was trying to figure out what was going on and spoke as if Kendall wasn't listening.

"It sounds like some bitch did a real number on him…" he chuckled darkly, not liking how broken his friend appeared, but, from his speech, he could tell it had to do with a girl. He smiled weakly to his two sober friends, trying to relieve the thick tension surrounding the group. The whole situation had caught him off guard and made him uncomfortable, and, more importantly, unconfident. James believed that he would be looked at for answers, especially when it comes to social situations, just like the guys on the hockey team go to him for everything. He feels as though he has to play the leading role in the popular drama that is high school, but James doesn't have to pretend with his best friends.

Kendall apparently didn't like his choice of words and lunged at James, only to be pulled back bravely by the smaller Logan. As soon as the brunette pulled him forward, Kendall seemed to forget about his anger, now finding the ground beneath him more interesting. James smiled thankfully at Logan, happy he was going to take the driver's seat in this situation. He almost wanted to laugh at how scared and pressured he felt for those few moments, forgetting that he had his brothers to lean back on. It's this odd mix of the real and fake parts of his life that will usually get him into trouble. It's a difficult balancing act that he struggles to maintain.

"So, you had a girlfriend in North Dakota, Kendall?" Carlos chimed in gently, smiling easily at the blonde when he looked up at the question. Kendall bit his bottom lip in thought as the four of them started moving through the streets, not too far from the Knight's house.

"Have…had…will have… won't ever have again… It's all blurring together," Kendall shrugged helplessly, seeming to grow tired of having outbursts. His anger was quickly being replaced by depression.

As they stepped up onto the sidewalk, Kendall let the boy's guide him; feeling ecstatic to have someone to lean on. He doesn't have to stand on his own two unstable legs anymore…

"I loved her so much, and I let her slip right through my fingers," Kendall continued speaking absentmindedly. He held his hand up, stretching it wide and examining it closely. He tripped over a crack in the cement, but James caught him quickly. Kendall hardly seemed to notice the movement at all. "Her hand fit so perfectly in mine, like a lock and key…" he mumbled, flexing and clenching his hand in fascination as he kept it in front of his face as if it were the most interesting thing in the world. "…Now, it's just my hand… It's pointless… Could you lop it off, Dr. Logan? I have no use for it…" he giggled and waved his limb in front of the brunette's face once he pulled himself out of his trance.

Logan ignored him as the four of them finally reached Kendall's house. The lights were off and the whole block was silent except for Kendall's laughter. James and Carlos kept him standing while Logan stepped forward to ring the doorbell.

"Your mom is gonna be epically pissed," Carlos sucked in a harsh breath while looking at his friend, worried about Karen's fiery attitude. She was a warm and loving mother, but, when she was angry, you were in trouble.

Kendall shushed him with a dismissive wave of his hand, not really caring what his mother would think. He was having enough trouble organizing his own thoughts with the abundant amount of liquor running through his body. Everyone except Kendall tensed up as the lock on the door clicked and Karen pulled it open.

"Oh my god, Kendall! What happened?" She was instantly studying her son for injuries, her eyes helplessly darting to the staircase behind her, where only moments before she was sure her son had been sleeping in his room where he always was.

"We found him at a party in the woods. He's really drunk," James explained gently, feeling slightly bad for ratting out his friend, but this was way beyond covering for a small mistake. Something was definitely wrong with Kendall. Karen opened the door wide, letting the three boys guide her intoxicated son into the house before shutting it behind them.

"Kendall, Sage wouldn't want you to be doing this…" she sighed sadly, so much pity and despair in her eyes that it weighed even the virtually peppy Carlos down with a full frown.

"Stop talking about her like she's dead! I'd know if she was… I'd feel it…" Kendall yelled wildly at his mother before turning away completely and stumbling towards the stairs. "…I'd feel it…" he added again in a whisper as his knees hit the second step, his drunken body unable to make the trek.

Karen wiped tears from her eyes, studying Kendall as he groaned and clawed blindly and weakly at the carpet covering the staircase. She couldn't think of anything to say to Kendall and was relieved when Logan stepped in. He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"Mama Knight, is it okay if we stay the night to watch him?" Logan asked softly, watching as James and Carlos struggled to lift the writhing blonde to his feet.

"Yes. I think that's a good idea. He needs his friends…" she answered in a whisper, nodding. "Just come get me if you need anything," Karen added quickly before disappearing into the kitchen. She couldn't stand the sight of Kendall absolutely broken, destroying himself even more than he already had been, and her presence only seemed to insight his anger more. She walked away, hoping that James, Carlos, and Logan could help him when she couldn't anymore.

After successfully getting Kendall into a standing position, Carlos stood in front of him, walking backwards up the stairs as James guided them forward step by step. Logan watched them like a hawk the whole way up, expecting Kendall to take a tumble down at any moment. When they finally reached his room, Logan moved in front of them to open the door with a gasp. Kendall had grown accustom to how it looked, not really paying attention in the first place, but the scene was a shock to the others. His bedroom was still trashed after he broke down and destroyed it. They thought Carlos' room was messy, but this was deliberate; another clue as to how troubled Kendall had become.

"Is that glass?" Logan asked nervously, seeing the shards on the floor sparkle in the dim moonlight as James and Carlos directed their drunk friend towards his bed.

"Mhm… Me and the mirror had a fight, but don't worry. I totally kicked its ass," Kendall laughed as he plopped down onto his mattress, tilting his head to the side so that he could breathe. James raised a perfectly groomed brow and glared at the blonde, who was hardly looking in their direction.

"Yeah, well, your fucked up hand says otherwise," he spoke coldly, disappointed in the violent behavior that ended in his friend hurting himself. Kendall's knuckles where no longer bandaged but he still had scabs running along his pale skin from where the punch to the mirror cut him up.

Kendall let out a bitter laugh and looked at his recently healed hand. The deep red lines looked nasty and painful against his skin that was constantly stretched when he moved his fingers.

"I never even felt it…" he shrugged indifferently and laid his head back down onto his pillow.

"Why did you do it?" Carlos asked curiously, unsure whether he was going to like the answer or not, or even if he would get a clear one at all.

"I didn't like what I saw… It's better when I can't see…" his words slurred more than ever, as he started to drift off to sleep. His body was completely limp and sprawled across his bed at an awkward angle, but he was making no effort to move.

The room was completely silent as the boys watched their broken friend in awe. They all took a seat on the cluttered floor of the bedroom, being careful to avoid the shattered glass. The trio ended up sitting side by side along the wall where they could see Kendall's face. They all sighed at once, slouching their shoulders in unison and relieving the tension they hadn't realized had built up.

"What the hell is going on with him?" James asked rhetorically, knowing the only one who had the answers they were searching for was Kendall.

"He looks terrible. We gotta help him," Carlos added optimistically, both boys looking to Logan for approval and a calming word.

"He obviously had a tough time in North Dakota. We'll stay here and talk to him in the morning… Kendall needs us. We're still his best friends. We always were… Life just took him away from us for a little bit," Logan reassured them quietly, whispering soothingly and patting the Latino's knee beside him. He made it sound so simple, but they all knew it wouldn't even be close to easy to help their friend. The first step would have to be finding out what happened before he moved back, but it would have to wait until the sun came up.

"I hope you're right…" Kendall mumbled, startling the three boys slightly when his voice cut through the silence. "I hope it's only for a little bit…"

As James, Carlos, and Logan watched their friend closely, they could see a tear run down from the corner of his closed eyes. Kendall's mind was mixing all of his experiences together with the effects of the alcohol. He was thinking about Sage, but listening to pieces of his friends' conversation, letting it all gather into the storm that was his drunken mind.

Kendall had been rejecting Logan, James, and Carlos for nearly a week; not wanting to see them in his depressed state. Now that they are here, he won't be able to get rid of him no matter what he tells his mother. Karen had been turning them away for days, knowing it's what Kendall wanted. No matter what the destroyed boy wants, his brothers are going to give him what he needs.

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**A/N: Did you like their reunion? Of course I don't do anything normally ;D I really enjoyed writing drunk!Kendall. He's this fascinating mix of depressed, angry, and tragic that had me laughing and getting sad :)**

**Big discussions happening next chapter, but it's still not going to be so easy ;)**

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought. This was one of my personal favorite chapters to write.**


	18. Big Time Best Friends

**A/N: Not much to say other than: ENJOY :D We finally see a sober Kendall interacting with James, Carlos, and Logan**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot.**

**Suggestion: **

***Check out the awesome Surfergal23 's Kendall/OC story called "Hooked" and her new one "Bittersweet"**

***and a NEW one: xxStoryofUsxx 's vivid/angsty/interesting "Skins: BTR" … very gritty and different - an entertaining read :)**

**_-waterwicca_**

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_CHAPTER 18: BIG TIME BEST FRIENDS_

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**_Twelve years ago..._**

* * *

_Dozens of parents and children gathered outside of Sherwood Elementary School for the first day of the school year. Most of the returning students ran right inside the large one-story brick building with smiles and excitement plastered all over their small features, but many of the new kindergarteners still stood outside of the structure with their family around them; either the young children or the stressed parents wearing nervous smiles or shedding tears of joy or fear. The young James Diamond looked up at both of his parents as they towered above him happily, his father exuding positive energy while his mother donned a graceful smirk at her little boy._

_"Remember, James, us Diamonds rule whatever school we're in. You're gonna do great, so don't be nervous. Just look for the cool kids and stick with them. Don't hang out with the losers. This is the first day that you start building your reputation," Christopher seemed to have rehearsed his speech a thousand times, keeping a bright smile, but didn't look into his son's hazel eyes as he brushed the boy's brown hair with careful fingers to style it perfectly._

_He couldn't see that James was holding his breath and only blinking his wide eyes every so often when they became too dry to tolerate. He was listening to his father's words with intensity, trying to memorize every syllable and make Christopher's way of life his own. Mr. Diamond always seemed carefree and distracted by the better things around him, but, mostly, he appeared happy and collected. James wanted that. He wanted desperately to be comfortable in his own skin._

_"O-Okay, Dad…" the young brunette felt hesitant inside of his heart, but did his best to betray his internal feelings with his outward appearance by grinning confidently up at his father when he finally looked him in the eyes._

_Chris turned towards his wife, who had been silently watching the entire exchange with her arms crossed and lips snapped tightly shut._

_"I'll be waiting by the car. I have to meet Mitch in ten minutes for band practice," he told Sandra absentmindedly, glancing down at his watch before looking at his son one more time. "Love you, Kiddo," he punched James' shoulder lightly with a wink and headed off to the car without another word. _

_Sandra sighed heavily, watching her husband strut away with a glare. She shook off her building annoyance at the man's nonchalant attitude and crouched down to be at the same level as her small boy. Smiling sweetly and taking in his appearance, she offered him a gentle pat on his upper arm._

_"How you doing, Honey? You're a little scared, huh?" she asked, already knowing the answer._

_James stood in front of her with rigid posture. His baby teeth were biting his bottom lip harshly, and his tiny hands were clutching the straps of his new backpack tightly at the top of his bony shoulders. He nodded reluctantly, his head moving up and down shakily._

_"What if no one likes me? What if I don't make the right friends?" James asked sadly, his eyes darting nervously to his father. Chris was standing several yards away and leaning against the family van parked along the street. The tall man was checking his watch impatiently, his gaze going from his wrist before moving up to take in his surroundings with bored, hunched shoulders._

_"Listen to me, Jamie…" Sandra brought his attention back to her with warm, gentle fingers prying at his jaw until his head was turned away from his father, "…There are no **wrong** friends. In fact, chances are that the kid who looks like the biggest weirdo will be the best person to have as your friend. A new part of your life is starting, Baby Boy. It's supposed to be an adventure. Have fun, and just be yourself, not what everyone else expects you to be, and everything will be okay."_

_James visibly relaxed, his teeth detaching from his pink lip and a small smile creeping onto his face while his hazel eyes sparkled just as they were meant to._

_"You promise?" he asked warily, not seeming to want to be too happy before he was absolutely sure everything would turn out for the best._

_"Cross my heart," Sandra assured him by making the matching gesture over her chest. Her son's face instantly lit up fully as he stepped forward with a wide smile and wrapped a thin arm around her neck. She immediately returned the hug, running a gentle hand up and down his back until he stepped away._

_"I love you, Mommy."_

_"I love you too… Now, get in there and have a good first day. I'll be here to pick you up later," she kissed James' soft cheek and ruffled his meticulously styled hair a bit, earning a delighted giggle from the now carefree boy before he turned and ran into the school._

_Just as James disappeared into the building, five-year-old Carlos Garcia pulled up to the property in the back of his father's squad car. The vehicle screeched to a stop, Eduardo Garcia's purposely aggressive driving causing his son to giggle loudly in the backseat as he held onto his seatbelt tightly and pressed his feet against the metal cage separating him and his father. One of the best parts about having a police officer for a dad was always experiencing the man's job in any way. Fake criminal pursuits were among his favorite pastimes. Although Eduardo would never tell his fretful wife about their father-son activities, he loved seeing his son's face and imagination light up brightly every time he'd show him what he did for a living._

_Carlos kept a wide smile on his face as he unbuckled and swung his door open, using his legs to push it all the way out before taking a step forward. The young boy placed one foot on the ground, and then the other, attempted to move his body forward, and smacked face first into the pavement. He had been dazed, but caught himself with his hands and a gust of air passing his lips; having plenty of experience taking spills to the ground. He sat on his bottom and looked up at his father as he leaned over the empty passenger seat of the car and peered out of the open window with an amused smile, biting back a chuckle._

_"Tie your shoe, Son."_

_One of Carlos' sneakers had been left untied. The boy grinned sheepishly from his spot on the sidewalk and stuck his thumb in the air to give his father some acknowledgement before he reached for his shoelace. He tied it with careful movements, seeming to calculate each step and loop as if it were rocket science; having just learned recently and still getting the hang of tying his shoes without help. Once he was done, Carlos looked up at Eduardo proudly and hopped to his feet, brushing off the knees of his pants with quick hands._

_"Okay, I think I'm good now…" he declared happily, his brown eyes scanning the length of his tiny body for any other possible hazards. Eduardo nodded in approval, holding out is hand so that Carlos could slap his palm against his own with enthusiasm._

_"Have a good day at school, and try your best to behave…" Mr. Garcia fought off a smirk, attempting to looking stern, but, truthfully, he loved his son's playfulness._

_Eduardo and Adriana Garcia's second youngest had just moved out, and the older couple had deemed themselves finished with having children, but, unexpectedly, little Carlos was conceived and their lives were renewed. Eduardo was always young at heart and having another child only invigorated his high spirits and positive attitude with his beautiful, warm wife at his side and a son to mold and shape into a young man. Luckily, Carlos grew up to be energetic and independent, as well as responsible enough to trust alone. He was a wonderful, fun, and innocent boy that was very rarely disobedient, but that didn't mean trouble couldn't find him; more often than not blindsiding the boy after a bad series of poor decisions._

_"Alright," Carlos rolled his eyes playfully with a vigorous nod before waving at his chuckling father and backing up a few steps and running for the school with limitless energy._

_After being ushered in the right direction, Carlos made his way into the kindergarten classroom. He was happily greeted by his young teacher, Miss Dawson, and told to settle in and pick a cubby for his belongings. Skipping over to the storage area, Carlos shoved his bag into a random cubby carelessly, quickly growing bored with trying to make it fit and leaving it hanging halfway out of the box. The little brunette pivoted swiftly on his heels and surveyed the large room around him._

_Miss Dawson remained by the door, greeting the new students as they trickled in from saying goodbye to their parents. A few girls were admiring each other's outfits, and another two boys were near him in the storage area already chatting softly. Carlos' found his full attention drifting to a small raven-haired boy sitting by himself at the opposite end of the room. The boy was wearing a dark blue sweater with a lighter blue collared shirt beneath it, and his hair was combed carefully into place, his whole appearance coming off as clean and well planned. He was sitting on a rainbow colored cushion, his back resting against a small bookshelf with his short legs folded beneath him and a thin book positioned delicately in his lap._

_Carlos approached him slowly, curiously studying the other boy's movements. The quiet, pale boy closed the book he had and placed it carefully on the shelf behind him before scanning the other titles and picking out a new one and settling back into a comfortable position. The Latino tilted his head in confusion as he watched the boy open the new book from the back. It had large pictures on the pages with single sentences written boldly at the bottom. The boy read the last page for a few moments and then flipped it over to start from the beginning._

_"Why do you do that?"_

_The quiet boy jumped when Carlos spoke, startled at the sudden appearance and voice of someone new. His chocolate eyes scanned him cautiously, taking in the boy's sloppy appearance. Carlos wore a long-sleeved orange shirt with a cartoon character on the front that he didn't recognize and bright green sneakers. One of his sleeves were pushed up to his elbow and the other was left pulled down, giving him an off balance look, but the asymmetry matched the boy's constantly shifting posture as he rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet and wouldn't stand still._

_"W-What?"_

_"I don't really read a lot yet, but I think you're supposed to start from the other end," Carlos offered innocently, talking slowly, almost as if he was prepared to be corrected._

_"You are!" the dark-haired boy assured him quickly, seeing the growing embarrassment on the Latino's face. "I just read the last page first so I know what happens," he shrugged and spoke softly, closing the book and clutching it tightly between his thin fingers._

_"Doesn't that ruin the ending?" Carlos asked again, still absolutely confused at the action. The boy nodded simply._

_"I don't like surprises."_

_"Oh…" Carlos looked at the small boy as if he grew another head before shrugging off his bewilderment and easily smiling as he collapsed heavily to the ground in front of the boy and held out his hand. "I'm Carlos Garcia."_

_He waited patiently as the other boy hesitated for a moment, studying Carlos' hand with shifting eyes before finally letting himself smile crookedly. He took the outstretched hand into his own and let Carlos control the firm handshake. His weak arm wobbled wildly in the happy boy's eager grasp._

_"Logan Mitchell."_

_"Alright, everyone! We'll be getting started very soon. You'll need to get into groups of four…" Miss Dawson spoke at the center of the room and held up the desired number of fingers for all of the students to see, "… and we'll get to know each other."_

_"Cool!" Carlos was immediately excited for a new task. He turned away from the teacher and focused on his new friend. "How much more do we need, Logan?" he asked eagerly, leaning in to watch the pale boy for an answer._

_"Two," Logan held up his fingers hesitantly, still a little taken aback by the Latino's energy that seemed to roll off of him in waves. He was used to being quiet and by himself, but this boy loved interaction._

_"Mhm…" Carlos leaned onto his hands and surveyed the room behind him with his head titled all the way back so he viewed everything upside down. After giving his eyes a moment to adjust, he saw what he had been looking for. "How about that kid?" he wondered aloud, sitting up quickly and pivoting on his bottom so that he could point Logan in the right direction._

_A delicate boy with shiny brown hair was hanging up his jacket on the opposite side of the room. He was taking his time to smooth out the wrinkles with slightly tan hands after he placed it on the hook. Carlos eyes lit up as he looked to the dark-haired boy for support._

_"He's alone right now. Let's go be his friend!" he jumped up to his feet so fast that Logan got a little dizzy while his eyes tried to register the movement._

_"You make it sound so easy," Logan seemed skeptical of his new companion's sanity, but smiled anyway._

_"Well, it's not **hard**," Carlos giggled like the pale boy just told a good joke and pulled Logan up by the arm, dragging him through the room. "Hey, I'm Carlos. This is Logan. Do you wanna be friends?"_

_Logan found himself in front of the new brunette faster than he thought possible after being tugged along. Carlos was overly excited, and the raven-haired boy blushed slightly at being associated with the outburst. The unnamed boy looked startled, but was smiling after his shoulders suddenly relaxed. He gave the pair a friendly wave._

_"Sure! I'm James Diamond," he declared happily, remembering that his mother told him to have fun and befriend the abnormal kids, and the two that stood in front of him seemed different and special compared to the others in the room. Something about this meeting seemed important._

_Ten minutes later, the newly formed trio was sitting at a table with one empty chair. Miss Dawson was instructing the class to ask questions about each other so they can get to know their classmates. Just as she finished explaining the exercise, the door opened and a frazzled looking woman with auburn hair came in with an uneasy smile and a hesitant wave at the students. She held the hand of a small blonde boy, who seemed not to notice his mother's distress or all of the attention on them. He took everything with ease. His free hand was stuffed inside of his pocket, and his green eyes roamed the room randomly. A permanent grin decorated his features, and Carlos instantly liked his attitude._

_"Sorry. We had a rough morning," the new woman apologized to Miss Dawson for their tardiness._

_"That's perfectly fine. Does anyone have room for one more in their group?" Miss Dawson asked the class, scanning the room and landing on a frantically waving hand._

_"We do!" Carlos yelled excitedly._

_As the Latino took charge, Logan shrunk down into his seat when everyone started to look at them, but James handled the extra attention easily and waved giddily beside Carlos. The blonde boy hugged his mother and strolled over to their table after Miss Dawson took his bag from him. He sat down smoothly in the free chair next to Logan as the room filled with chatter._

_"Hi! I'm Kendall Knight. Sorry I'm late. My mom gets sick a lot. She's having a baby," he spoke simply, not sounding too affected by the news or his late start to kindergarten. Karen was nearly two months pregnant with the Knight's second child, and Kevin Knight was forced to head off to work early in the morning and leave her to bring Kendall to school by herself._

_"No problem. I'm James. This is Carlos and Logan," James pointed to each of his companions with effortless gestures, exuding confidence. Carlos waved happily while Logan offered a small nod, only making eye contact with the blonde once._

_"What are we doing?" Kendall looked around the room, watching as the other groups talked among themselves while Miss Dawson organized something in the reading area and glanced back at the students every so often._

_"We're asking questions and learning about each other," Logan declared knowledgably, finding it easy to say the things he knew as he started letting himself get more comfortable with his new surroundings and the people around him._

_"That's so boring! We should do something together!" Kendall suggested excitedly, his green eyes glimmering with mischief._

_"I don't think-"_

_"What should we do?" Carlos interrupted Logan's insecurities as he and James leaned across the table on the edge of their seats to watch as Kendall scanned the area. His eyes landed on a closed door, and his smirk widened sharply._

_"Let's check that out," he pointed to a door in the nook that held the cubbies._

_"I'm in!" James declared gleefully._

_"Let's do it!" Carlos merrily agreed._

_"We're not allowed in there!" Logan exclaimed wildly as if they just suggested they murder someone. He looked frightened beyond belief._

_"Who said?" Kendall questioned, grinning at the skittish boy._

_"Well, no one, but-"_

_"Stop freaking out, Logie. We're just gonna have some fun," he assured his new friend softly as he inched away from the table with his eyes glued to the teacher and James and Carlos in tow._

_"My name's Logan," he corrected Kendall in a harsh whisper, pronouncing his name carefully, thinking he must have misunderstood the first time it was said. He nervously watched Kendall fully rise from his seat._

_"I know. Haven't you ever had a nickname?"_

_"No," Logan admitted quietly as he suddenly found himself following the stealthy trio across the room and towards the door despite his reservations. He was moving and trailing his new friends without really thinking about anything, which was something he's not sure he had ever done before._

_"Now you do. It means we're friends," Kendall whispered and took the opportunity to smile back at the pale boy as he grabbed his arm and pulled him along so that all four of them moved as one unit._

_The group easily slipped through the mystery door when Miss Dawson was distracted and found themselves in a small supply closet. The room was brightly lit and stocked with various items. Logan hung back, pressing his stiff shoulders into the solid door behind him and still not believing that he was in there without permission. The other three boys seemed not to have a care in the world as they studied the shelves, shifting objects around with their small hands and looking for something that sparked their interest._

_"Oooh, paint!" Carlos was the first to find something he deemed fun and brought four small containers into his hands._

_He tossed one to Kendall, another to James, and a third at Logan, who fumbled to catch it with shaking limbs. They all studied the contents, Kendall being the first one to unscrew the lid of the paint in his palm. He dipped three of his fingers into the purple substance, smearing it around curiously. Carlos cheerfully followed his lead, dumping an overly abundant amount of yellow onto his hands before carelessly throwing the container aside._

_"What do we paint on?" Kendall inquired, raising a dark eyebrow and grinning at his new friend._

_Carlos smiled back at him and raised his arm upward to swipe his fingers across Kendall's face, creating four bright yellow streaks across the boy's skin. Kendall glared, but kept his natural smile, as he retaliated by smearing purple across the Latino's forehead. Logan and James watched on in silence as the two paint-covered boys shared a knowing look before speaking in unison._

_"Paint war!"_

_All hell seemed to break loose in the small closet as Kendall and Carlos giggled, smearing and throwing paint in random directions. James shrieked when he was caught in the crossfire, watching new colors sink into his shirt. He opened the green paint in his hand and joined the waging battle with giddy laughter, and Logan found himself watching all three of his new companions acting like lunatics. He held his breath when six eyes were suddenly on him, everyone frozen in mid-attack when they realized he wasn't joining in. Logan gripped the blue paint tightly in his hands, one step away from unscrewing the cap, but his brain kept telling him that this was lunacy. However, he felt himself wanting to join in on the fun, finding the smiles of the other boys contagious._

_"I gotta get new friends," he mumbled with a roll of his eyes and a shrug of his shoulders, finally giving in and opening his paint with a crooked smile. He never thought his first friends would be this fun, or get him in as much trouble as they did._

_It had only taken two minutes for Miss Dawson to open the door and another five for them to find themselves in the principal's office on their first day of school. Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan sat in a row of four chairs with plastic bags covering the seats waiting for their parents to bring them a change of clothes. The only other people in the room were a few secretaries that were all busy with answering phone calls and filing papers, leaving the four paint-covered boys to ponder their actions in silence._

_"This is gonna wreck my chances of getting into medical school…" Logan sighed sadly; slouching down in his seat, the plastic rustling beneath him and making him cringe at the sound._

_"What's medical school?" James wondered, leaning forward in his chair to look at the boy who sat all the way down on the other end of the row._

_"It's a special school for future doctors like my dad," he explained logically._

_"I hate doctors," Carlos declared, shivering at the thought of getting shots and all of his trips to the hospital when he got himself into physical trouble with his poorly thought out antics._

_"I'm going to be a great one… I hope…"_

_Even at five years old, Logan had big dreams of following in Patrick Mitchell's footsteps. His father was a successful surgeon, teaching his son what he could about the medical field at a young age as soon as he had shown an interest. In his short life, Logan had found no one else more deserving of his worship than his brilliant father. Even in kindergarten, the smart boy was already planning for his future goals._

_"Don't worry. I'm sure you'll be awesome even though you got caught having a paint war," Kendall seemed to easily read the small boy's agitation and patted him on the shoulder from his position next to him. Logan smiled in thanks, and the boys fell silent once again._

_Kendall rubbed at the paint on his fingers while James tapped a beat against his thighs. Carlos kicked his legs back and forth through the air, his feet not quite reaching the ground as he sat on the chair. As the minutes ticked on, Logan was the one to break the silence again._

_"I've never been in trouble before," he stated in bewilderment, not sure if he should be scared of his parents' reactions or just confused as to how it had taken so long because of how much fun it ended up being._

_"Never-ever?" Carlos asked in disbelief, making it sound as if someone just told him Santa Clause wasn't real. Logan shook his head._

_"My dad says there's a first time for everything," Kendall shrugged but seemed proud when he mentioned his father and recalled a lesson the man had instilled in him._

_Logan watched as Carlos and James started to wipe excess paint on the wall of the office behind them, growing bored of Kendall and Logan's conversation. Carlos appeared to be having a blast drawing random shapes and figures on the white wall, while James looked more concerned with getting the colors off of his clothing. With one glance at Kendall, he could see that the blonde was finding it all very amusing._

_"I don't think this is gonna be the last time," Logan knew that there was much more trouble to come in his future with these three boys at his side, but he found himself smiling anyway._

* * *

When Kendall woke up, the first thing he felt was anger. He was absolutely livid that he allowed himself to fall asleep when he jolted awake from his usual nightmares with a choked gasp as he shot up in his bed. However, a new sensation took over instantly when he felt the overwhelming throbbing in his skull. He held his head in his hands, feeling another part of his body ache more than his heart for once. He wasn't sure if he should be grateful for the new pain or not. He groaned and tried to clear his sore throat, but found the action difficult, only causing him to cough and wheeze harder.

Logan was instantly at his side, delivering soft pats to his back.

"Drink this and take these," he held a glass of water in front of his face along with two aspirin, watching as Kendall took the medication and sipped the liquid slowly before stopping after a few moments. "You feel better?"

Kendall had no idea how to respond to such a loaded question, so he settled for a short roll of his tense shoulders. Logan eased away from him after placing the glass of water on his nightstand, settling at the foot of the bed while Kendall remained positioned at the top. The blonde looked to his left, taking in the sight of James and Carlos sitting against the wall and staring at him cautiously from a few feet away. He could tell that they were all trying to appear calm, but it was obvious that they were tense.

Carlos was ripping a slice of toast into little pieces, the crumbs falling onto the tray of breakfast that Karen had brought them earlier, and he wasn't even eating a bite. Kendall didn't need to have seen the Latino in the last seven years to know that his lack of appetite was uncharacteristic of him. James sat beside him, picking at the hem of his expensive jeans, fraying the normally perfectly styled fabric. Logan rested in front of Kendall with bags under his eyes and an expression that he could actually find typical.

Logan Mitchell looks extremely worried.

Kendall could remember almost everything from the night before with surprising clarity. He could recall not having full control of his body or mouth, and, right now, his conscience and excruciating headache were telling him to never touch alcohol again. With the situation he's put himself in, physically and emotionally, he's going to gladly comply. Talking used to be so easy for Carlos, Kendall, Logan, and James. You couldn't stop them after they met in kindergarten, but, now, it was awkward and heavy in the room. No one knew what to say. Kendall obviously had a lot on his shoulders. Where do they start?

"Who's Sage?"

Logan and Carlos instantly glared at James when he broke the silence in his usual way. He never possessed much tact, but he always meant well. His face was only showing innocence and confusion as he spoke, thinking back to the girl Karen had mentioned when they pulled Kendall into the house the night before. James almost seemed embarrassed when Carlos and Logan scowled in his direction, as if he hadn't realized that he voiced his thoughts aloud.

Kendall paid no attention to his friends' exchange, his eyes instantly going wide with panic at James' question, not because of the inquiry itself, but because of what it had him thinking as he looked over to his bedpost. The beloved necklace wasn't there. He suddenly rushed into action, burying his hands into his pockets to grab the jewelry and squeeze it tightly in his palm. Kendall had immediately regretted taking it with him the night before, worried that he could have lost it in his drunken haze.

The other three boys watched on in bewilderment at his abrupt movements before their friend settled back down and studied the silver in his hand. He cleared his throat a few times. His words had come easily the previous night, his lips loose with alcohol, but they ache in his dry throat now.

"She's, uh… Sh-She's everything to me…"

Carlos and James squinted in order to focus on the object he held, noticing how infatuated Kendall seemed with it. Logan had a clear view from his position on the bed as he watched the distraught boy trace the silver meticulously with his thumb while appearing to get lost inside of his head. Logan took it upon himself to take the lead and coax the blonde back into the conversation gently.

"Sage is your girlfriend in North Dakota? She's who you were talking about last night?" he asked softly, his tone nearly a whisper, not wanting to startle his friend or add to the headache he was already suffering from.

"Yeah…" Kendall sighed, a faint breath of air being the only sound in the room as they all waited for more.

"Can you tell us about her? What happened? What's wrong?" Carlos sounded as if he were going to tear up, having been through a lot of stress in the last week. He wanted everything to go back to the way it was when they were ten years old or at least have Kendall behaving like his old, cheerful self. It hurt them all to see him distressed.

Even after seven years of separation, they just know. They know that their best friend isn't a naturally depressed and self-destructive person. Kendall Knight is strong. What broke him down?

"It's a really long story…" Kendall whispered a warning, sounding exhausted despite having just slept fully for the first time in weeks.

"Just start from the beginning," Logan suggested sensitively. Kendall looked up into his friend's brown eyes and could see the boy trying to control the begging of his stare. He looked desperate, and, with one glance in their direction, the blonde could easily see that James and Carlos looked the same.

Kendall knows that it is time to give in and stop hiding. He may not have Sage anymore, but he didn't want to lose James, Logan, and Carlos too as a result.

He nodded sluggishly and could see the three boys in his room lean forward just a fraction of an inch closer to him as he started his tale.

"I met Sage Henderson in July of last year. I had just moved to Ramsey, and we both ended up in the Emergency Room. I took a spill on the ice, and she… hurt… her wrist," Kendall let the memories cloud his mind for a moment, thinking back to the real reason she was in the hospital when he saw her the first time and how he hadn't known it then. He wasn't ready to discuss Elliot just yet…

Standing up, he crawled out of his bed, holding himself up on his stiff legs. His abused body was rejecting the movements, and the clothes he slept in felt uncomfortable against his skin as walked to collect a box from the top of his desk and brought it back over to the bed. He took his seat again, the boys watching with silent intensity as he placed the box in front of Logan. James and Carlos pushed away from the wall and inched over to the bed. They sat right beside it, examining Logan as he took in the contents of the package.

It was Kendall's box of memorabilia, full of pictures of Sage and himself. Logan took one into his hands carefully as if it were made of glass, studying it with a brilliant smile. The blonde boy looked like his normal, content self with Sage wrapped in his arms. Her back was pressed against Kendall's chest as the boy squeezed her tightly with a delighted expression. She looked so right in his embrace that it seemed as though she would fall to the ground without his physical support. When Logan passed the photograph to James and Carlos, their expression mirrored his own. The Kendall they knew and loved was in that picture.

"She's hot," James commented with a smirk at his newly reacquired friend. Logan's eyes immediately widened, and Carlos elbowed him harshly.

"Yeah, she is," Kendall saved him from Logan's wrath just as he was about to open his mouth to scold him.

James smiled sheepishly as he locked onto his friend's green eyes, letting him know he meant no harm, and Kendall nodded slightly in understanding, easily remembering how James has always been when it came to the fairer sex. He would never want the pretty boy to change. Kendall loved Carlos, Logan, and James no matter what flaws they may have, just like he knew they would do for him. Their attendance at this moment was irrefutable evidence of that.

"Keep going," Carlos pleaded, seeming eager to know more about the girl now that he had a face to put with the name. Kendall finally made eye contact with each of them as he spoke, hanging the pendant at its secure resting place around the bedpost before beginning again.

"Sage and I felt an instant connection when we met. I kissed her only minutes after meeting her, and, on our first official date the next day, I told her I loved her…"

"Did she say it back?" Carlos asked excitedly, becoming fully enthralled with the story. His hands rested against the mattress in front of his face as he tried to lean impossibly closer to Kendall.

"She actually said it first," Kendall gave the three of them his first genuine smile of the morning at the thought of his and Sage's confessions of love in the high school on that summer day all those months ago.

"That's crazy!" James exclaimed randomly, shaking his head with an apprehensive chuckle and leaning back on his hands. Before Kendall could respond, Logan stepped in.

"James…" he hissed his name in a warning, wanting the brunette to shut his mouth.

They all knew, Carlos and Logan even more than Kendall, that James was never one for believing in love. After his parents' divorce, it became even more apparent that the jaded boy was in love with dating and hooking up but not with the idea of love itself, especially true love or love at first sight. Companionship made sense to him, but long-term relationships outside of the ones he created with Carlos, Kendall, and Logan seemed absolutely ridiculous.

"Logan, Mr. Logical, how can you tell me that love at first sight exists? It's completely absurd," James declared, waving his hand through the air dismissively as if no one could convince him otherwise.

"Emotions aren't supposed to be scientific, James. They don't always make sense," Logan explained softly. The boy may have been driven by logical thought and explanations for every action and reaction, but he was a romantic at heart. His friends taught him to think outside of the box with their constant, rambunctious, and unpredictable behavior in their years together, making him used to the idea of things happening without justification.

"Shush! You guys are ruining the romantic vibe," Carlos complained, having wanted to literally clap at the idea of Kendall being truly in love like he hoped he could be someday.

"He's right though…" Kendall spoke again, breaking into their argument. "We **_are_** crazy. We both knew it then, and admitted it to each other, but we didn't care. All that mattered was that we agreed to be insane together. Why should we deny our love, no matter how irrational it seems, if we both feel equally as strong? It made no sense, and that's part of what made it so special. It made us a good team…It's what made us soul mates…" He explained as though he had been thinking about it from the moment they met, and James fell into a deep silence, only able to watch Kendall in amazement. He couldn't think of a single argument to counter the clarification. At that moment, it didn't matter to him that he didn't believe in true love. All that mattered was Kendall's belief in it and the need he felt to support his brother.

"It sounds wonderful… but what went wrong?" Logan asked, desperate for more information, knowing that there must have been way more to the story.

"It was three weeks of us being inseparable until I found out the whole truth… I still can't believe that I couldn't see it… I should have known…" Kendall trailed off with a frustrated frown as he thought about Elliot; the man who destroyed everything he laid his hands on.

"What didn't you know?" James questioned apprehensively, almost certain that they were going to dislike the answer.

"Her stepfather, Elliot…" Kendall paused, glancing quickly at Logan before taking a deep breath. The smart boy caught the stare and bit his lip in confusion, waiting for the rest, "… He- the bastard was beating the shit out of her on a regular basis." Kendall really didn't want to say it, knowing his friend's past, but he didn't want to hide anything from them anymore.

The whole room grew tense and silent, and all eyes were on Logan. He was holding a picture of Sage that he had gathered from the box in front of them as Kendall spoke. He studied the blonde girl with a frown, taking in her image with a whole new mindset. It was a sad sense of sympathy for a girl he didn't even know personally; sympathy for having someone you were supposed to count on destroy that trust with their fists.

His father wasn't always absent. Patrick Mitchell had been a loving dad to Logan and a supportive, wonderful husband to his wife, Laura Mitchell, for the first seven years of his son's life. However, everything changed when he fell into a dark world of substance abuse. His addiction lost him his job at the hospital, his revered position in town, as well as his family. Patrick became violent and angry as the drugs took over his life. Before finally running off to be by himself, choosing the need to feed his addiction over his family, he had raised a hand to his wife and son on numerous occasions.

The boys hadn't spoken in depth about Logan's father for many years, and were now uncertain of how he would deal with news and discussion of an abusive father figure. He used to cry, feeling abandoned by the man he looked up to most, but, with the support of his friends, Logan had moved on with his life; choosing to focus on school and success. He thought more about what he could gain rather than what he had lost.

"Keep going…" Logan offered Kendall a small smile of encouragement and an gentle nod of his head for reassurance as he glanced down at the picture of Sage one more time before placing it carefully back into the box.

"Her mom killed herself years ago, most likely because of Elliot's behavior, and Sage was left with only that monster to take care of her. By the time I came into her life, Elliot was controlling every aspect of it with intimidation and violence. He hit her for no reason other than knowing he could. She always had so many bruises…" Kendall swallowed harshly, feeling as though he would be sick at the thought of his girlfriend battered and injured.

"No one tried to stop him?" James' voice rose with anger. Seeing the innocent girl that Kendall loved in the picture laying on the bed made his blood boil as he thought about her being hurt.

Kendall sighed heavily, this time glancing at Carlos and knowing that he wasn't going to like this next part.

"Elliot had the whole town under his control, and made them think Sage had drug and emotional problems. He made them think she hurt herself, and they believed every word he said. They believed him because they had no reason not to. He's a hero in their eyes. Elliot is a cop-"

He stopped when a harsh gasp rushed past the Latino's lips. Carlos always admired police officers, idolizing his own father for his job. He believed strongly in their ability to serve and protect citizens. They were meant to keep people safe, not to harm others. He had such a positive experience with law enforcement, and it made his heart physically ache to know there were bad cops out running around and abusing their power.

"I'm assuming he didn't approve of your relationship with Sage…" Logan offered gloomily, attempting to break the tension that clouded over Carlos and turn their attention off of him; having known what it felt like only moments ago.

Kendall chuckled humorously.

"That's a nice way of putting it. Elliot hates me, and he hates that Sage loves me. I don't think he wants her to have anything good in her life. He even found a way to ruin the first night we made love-"

"You two had sex?" Logan questioned loudly, wincing apologetically when he saw Kendall shudder and clutch his head, his fading headache reigniting with the outburst.

"Finally, I'm not the only non-virgin around here," James nodded in approval, smiling up at Kendall, who rolled his eyes playfully, almost forgetting he was supposed to not be happy. His friends were making him feel normal again; making him feel more like himself. Carlos let out a light giggle, but Logan was still frowning and staring at Kendall with concern.

"Don't worry, Logie. I wouldn't have done it if I wasn't absolutely sure. I wanna marry her someday."

Logan visibly relaxed at the further explanation. He was still a virgin, feeling completely unprepared in his own life to take that emotional, intimate step with someone. He had given James a stern death glare and lecture when he found out the boy had lost his virginity, not sure if he really understood the weight of it. He was pretty sure that James still misunderstood now, but he was a young man who could make his own decisions. He was far beyond his friends' advice.

Things were different with the boy in front of him. Logan could tell with a single look that Kendall understood what making love meant. He knew that Kendall was telling the truth. He and Sage were supposed to last forever.

"It wasn't like we took each other lightly. We practically lived together. Mom let her stay with us on all of the days Elliot wouldn't miss her because of his fulltime job. We slept in the same bed, woke up next to each other, went to school together…" Kendall reminisced with a lazy smile.

"Whoa, wait… Your mom let you and Sage share a bed?" Logan seemed amused now, his head turning to look at Kendall's shut door as if Karen would appear. He hadn't remembered the woman being so liberal, making him more and more aware that this was a situation none of them had ever encountered before. Even James seemed shocked at the reveal, having had his own conquests spend the night at his father's place, but never actually **_live_** with him. Carlos' eyes were wide open along with his mouth.

The blonde laughed lightly and bobbed his head up and down at all of their expressions.

"Yeah, there were rules, of course, but I refused to let her out of my sight if I didn't have to. I always tried to protect her… tried to save her from Elliot when I could… We thought the best thing would be for me to move back here when we got the opportunity so that she could come here and stay for good when she was eighteen, and he couldn't keep her anymore, but we were wrong. It was the wrong choice. Everything's messed up…" Kendall whispered weakly, wiping a tear that had escaped from his downcast eyes.

"Why are you so sad, Kendall? Is it because she's still there with Elliot?" Carlos asked in a childlike voice, bringing them all back to the main topic. They needed to know what was wrong with their depressed friend so they could help him.

"It's because she's **_not_**… She's in foster care."

His three, loyal friends shot him instantly confused stares, and he knew he had to explain. It was going to be a long day, but, somehow, he felt it would be worth it.

Kendall started over from the beginning. He told them everything; every little detail that was drawn vividly in his memory; every secret that only he and Sage knew. They listened and offered their comments and opinions that always seemed to make him smile and feel more comfortable with talking after not feeling able to accomplish that small feat for weeks.

Telling his story doesn't fix things, or even make them better, but it makes everything seem a little less dark and dreary. He's not so alone in his misery anymore. Kendall feels a little bit lighter…

* * *

Sage has never felt so physically, emotionally, and mentally weighed down.

It's been a full month without Kendall, and the last thirty days have been the worst of her life. Everything changed so fast that she felt like the ground had literally crumbled away beneath her feet. Sage thought she knew what hell was. She thought losing her mother was hell. She thought getting hit by her stepfather was hell. She thought Kendall moving away was hell, but, right now, she knows what hell truly is after several hard lessons. Hell is being locked away with no connection to the outside world. Hell is being forced into an emotional numbness so that you don't lose the last of your sanity that you're desperately holding on to. Hell is feeling bloody, beaten, and violated. Hell is having every bit of freedom ripped away from you.

Hell is being trapped with Elliot Henderson.

* * *

**A/N: What did you think of that ending? Ominous, right? DON'T KILL ME! You'll get an explanation next Saturday, and you'll see what Sage has been going through all this time. It's not what Kendall thinks… Also, don't go thinking Kendall's all fine and dandy yet... We'll still got some things to explore, but at least the boys are here now :)  
**

**Thank you all so much for your continuing support :D I respond to all signed reviews, but I'd like to give a shout out all my lovely anonymous people right now: THANK YOU :D (so much love)**

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought. As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :)**


	19. Big Time Imprisonment

**A/N: We got a big time reveal this chapter ;D**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot.**

**Suggestions: ** **You should check out **_Surfergal23_**'s beautiful and angsty, story "Hooked" and her new one "Bittersweet"- both are great :) **

**SUPER WARNING!: A lot of intense stuff in this chapter. It's graphic and depressing, and just… not good… but, hopefully, with what I've written so far, you sorta saw this coming (at least subconsciously) … RATED M for a reason :)**

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 19: BIG TIME IMPRISONMENT_

* * *

_**One month ago…**_

* * *

Sage watched as Kendall, Katie, and Karen drove away, fighting back her tears so that she wouldn't seem so weak in front of Elliot. Her stepfather walked down the steps of the porch slowly, coming to stand solidly by her side, where she never felt he belonged. His presence was immediately suffocating and only reminded her of what she had lost; of what was moving farther and farther away by the second.

The new life she had worked so hard to create with Kendall was driving into the distance. Now, she's left with what she had before; herself and Elliot. She was reverting back to her existence before Kendall, where she just barely made it through each day like it was her last. At least she had her experiences to hold onto. All of her clearest memories of laughing, smiling, and talking without fear of punishment were with the Knight family. When the two cars are completely out of sight, she has to remind herself that it's not gone. She didn't lose her life with Kendall. She just had to put it on pause. She's absolutely sure that she can deal with the pain of separation if it means a full and happy future down the road. She knows they made the right choice…

"Go inside, and get some sleep. I'm taking you to school in the morning…"

Sage snapped her head towards Elliot so fast that her neck hurt, but he was already strolling into the house with his back turned to her, leaving the door wide open and expecting her to follow. He never drove her anywhere before. She would just walk everywhere and brave the weather, but now he was taking her to school?

Shaking her head from left to right vigorously, Sage tried to clear the puzzle that was constructing itself inside her brain. She figured it must merely be him working harder to control her after the disaster he considered Kendall to be. He had seen the boy as a nuisance and damaging to his hold over his stepdaughter. She expected things to get rough after Kendall left, no matter how much she insisted she'd be able to handle it, but she never knew exactly how turbulent things would become.

Sage sluggishly entered the house, keeping her head down and avoiding Elliot until she made it to her room without an incident. The four walls were bare and pale, the whole area seeming unlived in and cold compared to the room she had been so grateful to share with Kendall. She picked up her school bag, her only real personal and private possession, and slipped out a stack of photographs hidden between the pages of her algebra textbook. They were all of her and the Knights smiling in their special family moments; Katie's birthday, one of her and Kendall after a big hockey game he won almost singlehandedly, her and Karen attempting to make a pie for Thanksgiving. These were the things she deserved. She deserved a normal life, and Kendall made her see that it was attainable.

The wait would be worth it. It had to be…

* * *

In the morning, Sage got ready for school and followed her usual routine, except Elliot was there and throwing off the entire atmosphere. He moved around the house, doing odd jobs and going about his business with a serene expression. As he sipped his coffee and Sage came down the stairs, he never even looked at her once. The only time he addressed his stepdaughter was when he ordered her to get into the car.

After a silent drive, Elliot stopped in the parking lot. Many of the students were already inside of the building, with only a few remaining around them. The cement was still wet from the night's rain, and it looked as if the sky may open up on her once again, but Sage would have swum across the Atlantic Ocean if it meant getting out of the car. Just as she reached for the door handle at the passenger seat, the lock clicked securely and the game began.

"So, here's the plan…" Elliot spoke firmly, trailing off until he was sure he had the blonde's attention. His voice was surprisingly pleasant, only serving to make her more nauseous; already having been sick to her stomach with their close proximity.

Sage immediately responded with fear, yet still knew she had to follow orders and do what he expected her to. She turned her body to face him, pressing her back harshly against the door, attempting to get as far away as she possibly could in the tight space that felt like it was shrinking by the second.

"I'm here so we can drop you out of school," he explained frankly, shrugging his shoulders with a sheepish grin, as if he knew he was breaking bad news.

"What?" Sage could only whisper, the air leaving the squad car entirely. Elliot sighed heavily, but he didn't seem angry with her at all. It was as if his personality had shifted from cold and brutal to warm and caring, which, according to Sage, didn't suit the fiend at all.

"Things are changing, Sage, and the transition is gonna be a lot easier for you if you just do what I say. Got it?"

Elliot's last words were punctuated with a fierce grasp around her small wrist. He held her still, squeezing the pale skin beneath his fingers tightly. He kept a smug smile on his face, his brown eyes darting back and forth between her frightened green ones. Sage knew this look. She's seen it a thousand times before. It was the one you couldn't argue with; the one that left you with no choice.

"G-Got it…"

As she followed close behind her quiet stepfather, the pair entered the school, and Sage found herself instantly regretting her lack of friends. She was panicking on the inside, still absolutely uncertain as to what exactly Elliot was up to. Whatever it was, she was confident that it couldn't have been anything good. Shooting desperate glances at passing students, her isolation became all the more real. She mourned her lack of social skills, wishing that she had learned to stop choking on her fear and suck it up because it was only hurting her now. No one cared what she was doing or where she was going or that her heart was about to literally beat its way out of her chest. She was officially trapped.

"Is there anyone here that will miss you?" Elliot sounded almost bored as he spoke, assuming, somewhat correctly, that his abused stepdaughter wasn't a social butterfly.

Sage hesitated as she thought about anyone that may be able to help her; someone who would know something was wrong, but no one really knew her here except Dustin. He was her only hope, but she couldn't expect much from the innocent boy. She had only spoken several words to him in the past year, and that was only with Kendall around to make her agitation subside when it overtook her in large crowds of virtual strangers, but maybe, if she didn't talk to the boy at all and never showed up for class, he'd have to know something was wrong. He could tell Kendall.

Elliot startled her out of her racing thoughts with his two, large hands resting on her shoulders. He bent down slightly in front of her so that he could be at Sage's level and bring her back to a damaging reality. She was being silent, and he knew she was thinking about being dishonest with him.

"If you lie to me now, you'll only pay for it later," he explained softly, seeming upset to have to scold her. He caressed the top of her arms in what she had to assume was his attempt at a comforting gesture. It only made her more uneasy, because this man wasn't supposed to ever be considerate of her feelings.

Sage nodded shakily, answering his initial question with fear driving her muscles in the movement. She never realized just how good Elliot had gotten at controlling her. It was almost as if she had absolutely no choice anymore. With Kendall gone, and no hope of seeing him in the next few hours, it was even easier to fall back into her old habits of doing anything to survive. It was less complicated if she blindly followed orders. This way, she wouldn't have to worry about the punishment.

"Who?" He asked quietly, lowering one hand and visibly relaxing now that she was giving in.

"D-Dustin Sanders," Sage responded timidly, the words feeling wrong in her mouth.

Her eyes found their way past Elliot, landing on the shaggy-haired brunette down the hall. He stood at his locker, shuffling a few books around and organizing for the day. She almost wanted to cry at the sight, internally scolding herself for not lying. Dustin was her last chance at letting Kendall know that something was amiss, and she blew it.

"Good girl," Elliot sounded as if he was actually happy and proud of her honesty. "Go say goodbye, and tell him you're leaving to get help with your emotional and drug problems."

Sage suddenly inhaled and tore her gaze away from the boy down the hall, looking right up at Elliot. They both knew she didn't have any issues with emotions or drugs that weren't his fault, but he wanted her to lie. Her heart rate increased, wondering if Elliot was, in fact, sending her away. He wasn't letting her know anything, just giving her strict instructions.

"I'll be watching you the whole time. If you do or say the wrong thing, I'm gonna take it out on your friend."

His voice was still menacingly low, and he didn't even wait for a response; knowing that she would comply. He pushed Sage gently forward with a cold hand on her lower back, and her legs reluctantly carried her to where Dustin stood. When she stopped beside him, with Elliot standing right across the hall, checking his phone as if he was busying himself with something important, Sage could see a picture of him and his girlfriend, Erin, tucked in the slots of the metal and instantly missed Kendall more than ever. Dustin and his girl had survived over a year in a long-distance relationship, but Sage was failing on day one.

"Hey, Sage! Do you want me to walk you to class? I know I'm no Kendall, but I'm tall, human, and generally friendly," Dustin turned to her with an engaging smile, easily falling into a comfortable dialogue. He knew that she must be lonely after Kendall left the day before, and he wanted to do the best he could to help her like he had told his friend he would. Sage smiled softly at his attempt to make her comfortable, wishing it would work.

"I'm not staying…"

"So, you wanna ditch class? We have finals…" Dustin looked down at her in confusion, still smiling.

"I'm, uh, dropping out," Sage was almost pleased with how sure she sounded of the decision Dustin mostly likely thought was her own. She gestured to Elliot across the hall, who was still pretending to be occupied with his phone. She knew that Dustin, along with everyone else, would know that he was her stepfather.

"Why?" Dustin was shocked. Sage had never missed a day of school in her whole high school career, no matter how hateful the other students were to her.

"Elliot's sending me away to get help with my problems," she replied smoothly, following her given orders like a soldier.

Sage knew the lie was believable. Every single one of her peers, Dustin included, thought she had issues since her mother's suicide and a very public breakdown during her freshman year when the beatings had been in their early stages. She never denied any of their assumptions, choosing to stay silenced by fear as she fumbled through her days with jumpy behavior. No one other than Kendall knew that her physical abuse was what caused her overwhelming anxiety around people she had no reason to trust.

Dustin raised a dark eyebrow at her declaration, like he couldn't believe what she was saying. However, he decided not to push. He was wary of Sage coming up to him at all, thinking that, in order to look out for her, he was just going to have to watch her from a distance, and he didn't want to smother her with too many questions. This was the most she's ever spoken to him at once. So, he asked the most important thing he could think of.

"Does Kendall know?"

Sage's eyes immediately darted to Elliot in her peripheral vision so fast that the movement couldn't even be registered as anything other than her usual nerves in the school. She knew what she had to do, and spoke with strong confidence.

"Yes."

Elliot was listening, and telling the truth would only provoke him. He appeared calm on the outside, but Sage knew from experience that he was always ready to pounce. Whatever he was planning couldn't be good, and she vehemently refused to get Dustin or Kendall involved.

"Okay…" Dustin said hesitantly, seeming as if he didn't know what to say, which was odd for him. He was caught off guard, not unlike Sage. "Good luck with everything. I hope you're… happy…" he spoke the word awkwardly, as if he knew she wasn't content at all. "I would have kept my promise if you stayed around," he assured her solemnly, reminding Sage of the assurance he had given Kendall, before he left, of keeping an eye on her.

"I know… Thank you…"

Sage couldn't stop herself from wrapping her arms around him in a tight hug. Dustin felt tense at first, shocked at the contact, but then embraced her back delicately. It's the only human contact she's had in years other than Katie, Karen, Kendall, and Elliot, but Dustin is a truly kind person, and she's feeling the rarity of that now more than ever before. As she squeezed her arms around the brunette, she also hoped that her uncharacteristic behavior would raise a red flag for the boy, but she could tell that he couldn't see it. She's always been odd to him. She's never let him think anything else.

Dustin is able to notice how frightened she is, but it's no different to him or anyone else. Sage was always jittery and painfully quiet without Kendall. Dustin believes, with what he knows, that getting help might be a good thing for Sage. He knows that she's a "freak" in their peers' eyes, and, while he's never judged her for it, he also knows that she's not normal. Sage does need help, but not the kind they think. She needs Kendall. She needs love. She needs a family. She needs to get away from Elliot.

After signing a few papers and receiving dozens of pitiful stares from the school staff in the main office, Elliot took Sage to clean out her locker. He let her keep her notebooks, but just dumped all of her books in the trash, along with the photos of Kendall decorating the space. It all went by in a blur as Elliot drove her home. She just kept waiting for an explanation; something to let her know what was happening around her, but her stepfather hadn't spoken a single word to her since they left the high school. When they parked in the driveway, Elliot got out of the car and moved toward the house, expecting her to follow him once again.

Her legs feel like they are made of lead as she walks to the porch. She thinks about running away, her eyes scanning the quiet street and roaming the large gaps between her and the neighbors' isolated houses for the perfect exit, but she knows she'll regret it. That's rule number one with Elliot: Do what you're told, or pay the consequences.

Sage shuffled through the foyer and toward the kitchen, searching for her stepfather and some answers. She never usually addressed him directly; only speaking when spoken to, but she figured she didn't have much left to lose and she had to get her first hit of the day over with anyway.

"Elliot…" she called out gently, finding him in the kitchen. His back was turned to her. He had removed his button-down shirt, leaving him in a white wife-beater and dark wash jeans. It was the first time she truly noticed the difference in his attire. She hadn't seen him without his uniform in so long.

"What?"

His voiced wasn't menacing or cold, like she had expected, but was almost pleasant with a hint of curiosity. He donned a chipper smile as he spun on his heels to face her and brace his hands on the counter behind him as he leaned back casually, completely relaxed and not as intimidating as she was used to. However, this new behavior was practically worse than the anger because it was ten times more frightening. He was being odd and unpredictable. He wasn't being the Elliot she knew.

"A-Are you s-sending me away?" she struggled to breath correctly, unsure of the outcome she wanted. All she knew was that his strange demeanor was throwing her off.

"No, of course not! You're staying here, where you belong…" he explained happily, like he thought she was being silly.

Elliot stalked towards her, moving across the room smoothly as he came to stop right in front of her. Her feet felt like they were glued to where she stood in the doorway, and her mouth was dry as her breath struggled to inflate her lungs. Panic was setting in and paralyzing her from head to toe. Her stepfather towered above her, resting his forearm on the doorjamb beside her head so that his body was nearly touching hers as his eyes burned her pale skin.

"Why did you take me out of school?" she asked, her voice still as small as the space between them.

"Don't worry about that. You're a smart girl. You'll be fine," Elliot waved his hand as if he was sure she was concerned with her education.

His nonchalance was frustrating Sage more than she ever thought she was capable of. The dominant feeling was usually fear around Elliot, but now it was different. She couldn't stand him dodging her questions. She couldn't take his vague answers and eerie smiles.

"What the fuck is going on?"

Almost as soon as the words left her mouth, she regretted it. Her eyes snapped shut, and her posture went rigid, bracing herself for the impact of Elliot's fist, but it never came. When she willed herself to look up, wanting the overwhelming silence to break apart, she could see that her stepfather was merely grinning down at her like she had just done something adorable.

"Sage, Sweetie, when I said that you were staying here, I meant **_staying _**here. You're not leaving this house… ever," his last word was a soft whisper as he reached up to run his fingers along her cheek in a delicate manner, seeming concerned about breaking her.

The look in his eyes was different than anything he has ever given her. It was affectionate, and it filled Sage with enough anxiety to stop standing still and run to be anywhere else. She hardly took two steps towards the door before Elliot grabbed her from behind. His arms were around her small waist, holding her tightly by the center as her limbs thrashed wildly with her feet off of the ground.

"Ssh…" his breath was hot against her ear as he murmured tenderly, "… Don't make this harder. Calm down." His tone remained relaxed even as Sage kicked his shins and elbowed his torso.

"Get off! Don't touch me! Please, stop…" her voice cracked sharply as her breathing hitched in her sore throat and tears ran freely down her face.

"It will all be better when you wake up. I promise…"

Sage's cries were muffled with a rag over her face, and, with only a few deep inhales of the sweet-smelling chemical, her body instantly relaxed. Her vision blurred and sleep was approaching. As she slips into unconsciousness from the chloroform, it occurs to her that this is not his usual method. It fills her heart with dread, but the confusion is even more prominent.

Elliot hadn't hit her once today…

* * *

When Sage woke up, she couldn't tell how long it had been, but she had been brought to her room. However, it didn't seem like the same bedroom as she had before. It took mere seconds to see one of the biggest differences. She crawled off of her bed lethargically, moving across the room. There were heavy, iron bars over both of her windows, which were sealed shut. She gripped the cold metal and tugged with an exhausted whine. They were bolted securely.

She tried to stay calm as she spun around to observe the rest of her surroundings. There was literally nothing within the four walls except for furniture; a bed, nightstand, a dresser with her clothes, and a new desk. There wasn't even a phone anymore. When she ran for the door, it was locked with a new deadbolt from the outside. She pulled on it repeatedly, irrationally hoping it would budge, but, just like the windows, it did not. She couldn't hear any movement from the rest of the house, and, with fear settling in and taking over, she had to keep her body moving. She had to feel like she was doing something.

Sage opened the door to her bathroom, unsure of what she was supposed to see, but she didn't enjoy the outcome. Of all the new changes, these were the worst of all. There were tons of medical supplies in the cabinets and littering the shelves.

Elliot wasn't going to let her leave, and he was preparing for her to get hurt over and over again…

Crawling back onto her bed, Sage couldn't even let herself cry as she sat down at the top of the mattress. She had no idea how to feel other than smothered and trapped. Only a few minutes after she drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms tightly around them, the new lock on her door clicked open, and her stepfather strolled in and shut the door behind him.

"Good. You're up! Sorry I had to knock you out. You were being quite the handful, and I couldn't have you interrupting my home improvements," Elliot smiled brightly and gestured around the room, "You like?"

Sage remained speechless at his bizarre behavior, only able to breathe hard and blink slowly. Elliot didn't seem to mind, and continued to talk animatedly.

"I went through your bag and saw your notebook, so I figured you'd like the setup," he explained excitedly, looking over to her new desk. It was simple and dark brown with a matching chair. The only items on it were a stack of notebooks and a jar of pens. It was as if he thought he was giving her a special present; as if he was being good to her.

At the mention of her bag, Sage's heart leapt up into her throat. It was the only personal thing she had left because it was mobile. Elliot never let her decorate her room or even keep physical memories of her mother, Julia. She thought of the pictures she had of Kendall and her family in that bag, and was worried that her stepfather would punish her for having them, but he chose to not even mention their existence. She couldn't see her bag anywhere, and was fully confident that her treasured memorabilia of Kendall was long gone.

Elliot seemed to notice her misery and sighed softly. He walked over to her bed and sat down right next to her. As he spoke, he reached out to touch her arm soothingly.

"We need to keep you isolated for now. It's better this way…"

Sage can't help but cry and scream on the inside, still stunned on the exterior. This is **_not_** better than so many things, but what sickened her the most was that he grouped them together. They weren't "Sage" and "Elliot". They were a "we". It was as if he thought they made this decision together; as if they were a duo, a team, or a family. They've never been any of those things, only the "abuser" and "the abused" and nothing more. Things are changing…

"Why are you doing this?" Sage's words sounded wrong in her own ears, nothing seeming right anymore.

"Because I love you," he said it so simply, like it was obvious to her. "I've always loved you… and now I can show you how much…"

His tone softened as he leaned towards her, pulling out a pocket knife from his jeans. Sage's eyes widened as the blade shimmered in the dim lighting of the room, the small glimmer seeming to hypnotize and blind her. Her instincts kicked in, and she pressed so hard into the headboard that her shoulders ached. She had never seen it until now, but Elliot wanted more. He wanted **_her_**.

"No. No. No…"

"Relax… I don't want to use it. Please don't make me…" Elliot seemed sincere in his pleading, but still slithered on top of her; manhandling her stiff body to lie beneath him.

The blade was pressed across her chest, just below her throat. She was fully crying now, her body totally frozen below the imposing man and his weapon. Sage whimpered helplessly when he pulled her shirt over her head and used the knife to cut the bra off of her body. She struggled to keep still, but managed to wiggle her arms up to cover her bare torso with a sob and a shake of her head. Elliot merely looked on, admiring her with adoration. The moment he touched the button of her jeans is when she got her grip on reality.

"Don't!"

Sage cried loudly and moved instinctively, trying to work her way out of his grasp, and the blade served its purpose. She received a four inch gash right above her heart, the blood running down her exposed body and onto the sheets below. The pain immobilized her once again, lying dejectedly back onto the mattress as Elliot pushed more of his weight onto her. Her stepfather resumed his work on her jeans, wrestling with the fabric to work it down her legs with one hand.

"Stop moving, or you're going to get hurt," he chastised her softly, as if he was teaching her a very important lesson; one she'd have to learn to hold on to.

As he removes the rest of the clothing from her body, it's as if Sage isn't even there anymore. She's trapped inside of her numb mind, and she can't believe she never saw the signs before. They were always there; in the way Elliot touched her like he owned her, the way he watched and controlled her every move, and especially in the way he talked about Kendall as if he took her from him. She never saw it, but it's here now. It's happening when it's too late to do anything about it. Sage can't breathe easily, can't think clearly, and can hardly even blink her watery eyes, but, no matter how hard she prays, she can still feel. She feels Elliot's hands, his breath, and his hard body suffocating her.

When Elliot shoves his pants down to his knees, she snaps her head to the side. She refuses to look at him, as if she could will him away with her mind or pretend he's part of her fucked up imagination; hoping that, maybe, she's asleep and only having a nightmare, but she knows it's not. The feeling of his erect member brushing against her thigh, and the sick feeling in her stomach that comes along with it, is too real to be imaginary.

Elliot reached over, keeping the knife firmly against her chest with the blood from her cut coating his skin, and opened the drawer of her nightstand right in her line of vision. He pulled out a condom. Those are a new addition to the room as well, and Sage doesn't even know what to think anymore when she sees that there are **_so_** many…

"I love you… It's always been you and no one else…" he whispered sweetly, revealing his true feelings in a moment of what he considered pure honesty.

Her stepfather looked as if he was going to cry at the emotion. This is a big moment for him. This is the most important thing that he's ever done. It's what he's been waiting for so patiently.

Elliot pressed his cold lips against her unwilling ones, forcing a kiss out of her before trailing his revolting mouth down her jaw and onto her throat. He reached his free hand down to pry her legs wide open. He could sense her need to panic, and pressed the knife more harshly into her chest. Sage stiffened and grabbed the sheets beneath her as she cried unashamedly.

She's chanting the word "no" over and over in her head and can't even tell whether it's actually coming out of her mouth or not. Either way, it's not stopping Elliot.

"Tell me you love me…" he ordered sternly, pausing at her entrance. She can feel his revolting erection pressing against her, and it only solidifies her response.

She shakes her head. Elliot could take her body, but this was the one thing she would refuse him with her life. She would never love him. Sage belonged to Kendall.

"Say it…" he tried again, softer this time, pressing his throbbing length into her just slightly.

She's not sure if it was supposed to be a threat or an incentive. Either way, he wasn't getting what he wanted. She only shook her head again and sealed her lips shut.

"You'll learn… You'll give in eventually… You have to…"

Elliot actually gave up the quest for her words. He always gets what he wants, but it was as if he didn't want a declaration of love unless she meant it. He'd break her down like he always did. She would have to give in sometime. He was all she had left. He made sure of that.

When he enters her, the first thing Sage registers is the pain; emotional and physical. It's intrusive, searing, devastating, debilitating… but, after a few choked sobs, she focuses on moving past it like always. She has to ignore it and treat it as just another punch or kick. It's happening, and it's not stopping. The only way to survive is to be someplace else…

_Kendall_

It's all she can think of. It makes everything a little more blissfully dull. She tries to run away to a place where she can be with her soul mate; her lover; the boy who constructs her whole world and has nothing to do with this nightmare. She loves the way Kendall makes her heart beat a bit faster when he touches her. His hands are warm, not cold. She loves how she can tell Kendall anything, and he'll understand. He is her equal, not an authoritative monster. She loves that Kendall's voice can relax and excite her at once. He is an angel, not the devil in a clever disguise.

Sage loves Kendall, but he can't save her now.

* * *

She didn't wake up until the afternoon of the next day, and she could only vaguely remember Elliot finally leaving her the night before. It was late and he had been resting next to her stiff body before he had crept away, as if not to wake her, but she wasn't asleep anyway. Her heart wouldn't stop racing until he locked the door, which she now found to be a heavenly barrier between them. She could remember lying awake for hours even after he left her alone, wrapping the sheets tightly around her sore and bare body as she cried herself into a fitful sleep.

Sage had nothing but nightmares. They all featured her real life terror, Elliot. She could hear Kendall in the background, surrounding her with his voice, but she could never see him. It was as if he was always two steps out of her reach, making everything seem a tad more hopeless by the time she woke up.

She entered the bathroom, not even bothering to close the door behind her; having lost any sense of privacy she felt she still possessed. After turning on the shower, she sat down in the tub and let the hot water run over her randomly. Dried blood from the significant laceration on her chest loosened from her skin and contaminated the water pooling below her. She stared vacantly at the crimson color, silently thinking that she would have to get used to it. With nothing else to do that seemed more important, she scrubbed her body until the water ran cold.

Sage climbed out of the tub an hour later, picking random clothes from her dresser to put on her naked frame. Anything that covered her would make her feel a little more secure. She pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, but cried at the sight of something she had nearly forgotten about.

In the back of her bottom drawer, there was a black hoodie that belonged to Kendall. She remembered him giving it to her one chilly day on the walk home from school. As she took the fabric into her hands and breathed in its scent, she was grateful that there was no way Elliot could have known it belonged to her boyfriend and had missed it in his search and reorganization of her room. The simple piece of clothing was like a water fountain in the desert. It was rare, and she knew it could secretly comfort her in her new prison.

When she heard Elliot coming up the stairs with heavy feet, Sage's eyes widened and her lungs stopped working. She had no idea what to do with herself. She looked at the bed, but wanted to avoid it at all costs, worried that her in that position would only give her stepfather ideas. So, she rushed to the corner of the room and sat on the floor, throwing the hood over her damp hair for a false sense of isolation.

Elliot walked into the room, securing the door behind him with the key that he now kept on a chain around his neck; so close to his icy heart. He strolled over to the bed and plopped down onto it like he owned the place, because, really, he did. He owned everything.

"Guess who just paid us a visit, Sweetie?" he questioned giddily, seeming to be entirely amused by something.

Sage wasn't taking the bait. She didn't look up, only finding the hardwood flooring interesting and not caring about a word that came out of Elliot's mouth.

"Kendall." He said smugly, knowing it would elicit an interesting reaction.

"No…" her voice was only a whisper, finding it hard to speak past the permanent lump in her throat. Her eyes grew wide and wet with tears as she looked up at the brunette, thinking of all the terrible things that would occur if Kendall and Elliot interacted.

"Don't worry. I didn't kill the little prick," Elliot rolled his eyes, chuckling at the idea and the fear on her face. Sage used the wall to help her rise to her feet, still leaning on it for support once she stood on her weak legs.

"W-What did y-you-"

"I told him you were in foster care; a special place for 'troubled youth'…" he paused to make air quotes with a grin, "… the dumbass believed me! You should have seen the fucker's face. He's crushed. You two really fucked each other up, didn't you?"

He was amused. The old Elliot was shining through. He was eerily sweet with Sage before, but Kendall's presence agitated him back into his old, harsh ways. He was brutal with his words and his hands.

Sage cried instantly at the thought of Kendall. She knows that he won't be able to find her, and she knows that he'll look and make himself crazy. He'll be devastated, and she won't be able to help him. She doesn't even know if she'll ever make it out of Elliot's grasp.

"What is your problem?" Elliot raised an eyebrow at her from his reclined position on the bed, looking as if he was truly puzzled by her behavior.

She tilted her head down, refusing to make eye contact as the tears flowed and hit the floor beneath her feet. Her blonde hair covered her pale face, obscuring it from his view.

"It's about him again, isn't it?" Elliot's voice rose along with his body. He jumped from the bed suddenly and took two long strides to stand right in her personal space, which was no longer a right, but a luxury that she's been repeatedly denied. "Why is it always about him?" Elliot screamed directly into her face, looking for a straight answer. His hands were pinned on either side of her head, trapping her between his strong arms.

"I love Kendall," she explained softly, secure of her response, but cautious of his reaction.

Elliot finally did something she could understand and hit her cruelly across the face, splitting her lip on impact. Her head snapped to the side, giving her ear the perfect place to absorb his loud words. He's still a time bomb no matter how hard he tries.

"Don't say his name ever again, okay?" he's stiff and pressed against her, pulling her head up by her chin so that he can see her face.

Sage nodded, agreeing to keep her thoughts to herself while she waited anxiously for Elliot to take a step back. However, he only melted into her unwilling body more when he saw her tears. He brushed his thumb a long her split lip with a frown.

"I'm sorry."

Elliot sounded truly remorseful, and he's never apologized before, but it seemed to pour from his mouth so easily. It was genuine. He said it like it was the simplest thing in the world, like he had never beaten her maliciously before. He cupped her face between both of his large hands. Sage tried to pull away with a whimper, but his grip was too tight.

"You need to forget about him, Love. He's not good enough. Look at you. He's only causing you pain…" he explained gently, treating Kendall as if he were her terrible ex. Elliot was jealous of Kendall.

It's all wrong. It's the opposite of what her stepfather says. Elliot's the one who is hurting her; abusing her, but she can't speak. She can only cry, knowing that, even if she could find the right words, they wouldn't make a difference anyway. Elliot's got her right where he wants her.

* * *

_**Present day…**_

* * *

It's late in the evening. The sun is setting, and the shadows of the bars on the windows are long and heavy across the floor. Sage is sitting beneath them. She can't open them, but they irrationally give her a small taste of the outside world she's not a part of anymore. She understands that it's foolish to feel comfort in something as irrelevant as a closed window, but there isn't much that makes sense anymore anyway.

It has been a month since Kendall moved away, and he hasn't come back after that second day as far as she knew. It breaks her heart to know he's driving himself insane looking for her in all the wrong places. She knows how lost she is without him, and she just prays that James, Logan, and Carlos will help him with the feelings of guilt and solitude. She may be trapped, but Kendall's not, and she doesn't want him to be.

Elliot has raped her nearly every day and calls it "making love". He makes an effort not to hit her because it would ruin the illusion of them as a "couple." She belongs to him in every way possible now, and he doesn't let her forget it. She's tried to fight, but she only gets hurt. The knife makes a constant reappearance; a tangible threat along with all of the unspoken ones he imposes on her with simple glares.

Sage looked down at her forearm, where there is a recent cut a couple of inches across. It was made the night before. She keeps trying to teach herself how to remain calm, and get use to the rape, but sometimes she can't control herself. If she loses her composure and makes Elliot angry, the blade forces its way across her skin as a reminder of her enslavement; of her inability to fight back.

She's thought about suicide; about taking her mother's method of escape. Every day that she continues living, it feels like she is giving Elliot what he wants. It makes her nauseous to feel like she is indulging him, but the emotion is worth it if she wasn't hurting Kendall. She's convinced that she would be able to sense it if Kendall stopped breathing. He's still out there, and he's trying to find her. She can't leave; can't die. No matter what Elliot did to her, Kendall would always be more important. He was **_everything_** to her, and she would go through anything for him.

This was the biggest test of her life, and she was determined to survive and wait for a positive outcome. She just didn't know how long it would take for things to get better.

* * *

Kendall, Logan, Carlos, and James had spent the whole day talking in his room. As the sun began to set, they prepared to leave with promises of seeing him the next day.

"You'll be okay tonight, right?" Logan asked warily, all of them stopping by Kendall's door. They couldn't be sure that Kendall wouldn't do something reckless again; having been drunk and belligerent the night before.

"Y-Yeah…" Kendall tried to sound sure, but he knew the nights were always the hardest. They bring the nightmares, the darkness, and the acute sense of loneliness.

"**_But_**…" James interjected, drawing out the word and knowing there was more. Before he could protest, even Carlos was staring Kendall down with his arms crossed and begging him to tell the truth.

"I always miss her. **_Always_**. We need each other. I didn't just save Sage. She saved me…" Kendall admitted sadly, shoving his hands into his pockets and sitting ungracefully onto his bed while the three boys watched with concern. "I wasn't right after I moved away from here seven years ago. You guys were my family, and I lost you. I never realized how alone I was until I found her," Kendall spoke the words he had only ever told Sage. He always let his mom think he was fine with their nomadic life, and he stayed strong for Katie, but he had become a loner almost the same day he moved out of Sherwood, MN.

"But you got us back!" Carlos insisted giddily, acting as if Kendall won the lottery. He probably did.

"And you'll get Sage back too. If I remember correctly, Kendall Knight always gets what he wants," James added playfully, yet honestly. He always admired the blonde for his ability to succeed.

Kendall smirked and sighed with a shrug. He almost remembered how it felt to have control of things. He wanted that back so badly, but it seemed like an unattainable goal. As he bit his bottom lip, Logan could tell that he was getting depressed again.

"It will all work out… She couldn't have walked into your life for no reason," Logan assured him confidently with a pat to his shoulder. The brunette normally let logic guide him, but this was pure intuition. He could feel that Sage was supposed to be with Kendall, and that Kendall was meant to have Sage. Things would get better. They had to…

"She said the same thing about you guys," Kendall said with a grin, thinking back to the day Sage had first entered his room and saw the picture of him and the boys as children.

"She sounds smart," Logan smirked; silently wishing Sage was around, thinking she would be a great ally to have with the chaotic lunatics, Carlos and James, surrounding him. It seemed as if she would fit nicely into their dynamic, especially if it would lift their miserable friend's spirits.

"She's like your brain-twin," Kendall chuckled in confirmation, and all three guys brightened at his expression, but it wasn't everything they were hoping for.

Kendall is still struggling with the ability to truly laugh. His body stays stiff, and his eyes aren't always focused. He seems reluctant to believe their optimistic words. He has shared and opened up, but he's not fixed. They can still see the distance inside of him; the reluctance to show true emotion. He's being honest with his words, but the walls are still up on his feelings. He's only halfway there.

As Kendall smiles at his three best friends when they leave his room, it's a real smile, but something's off about it; like he's not all there. His body his here with them, but the majority of his heart is elsewhere. It's drowning in pain and guilt. He's always in two places at once. He's trying to be better, but he's not fighting hard enough. James, Carlos, and Logan can see that he's letting the pain have him.

They have a lot of work to do.

* * *

**A/N: PLEASE don't hate me. Hate Elliot. You guys saw this coming, right? Maybe? If you reread "Big Time Roadblock", Elliot was practically bashing you over the head with "jealous boyfriend" vibes. I'd just like to reiterate that this story is PLANNED. I'm not just pulling this out of nowhere. It's been intended the entire time. If you go back and look at every piece of Elliot's dialogue, his intentions are hidden in there between the lines :)**

**ALSO!: Don't think this is all there is to Elliot… This guy isn't just black and white. There's a lot going on in that fucked up head of his ;P Just wait and see…**

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this intensely depressing chapter. Did you at least like the plot twist/ how I handled writing the rape? (you know, as much as you CAN like something as terrible as this) As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :)**


	20. Big Time Breakthrough

**A/N: This is an important chapter. There's a shift in Kendall. I think it's one of my favorites so far :) **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot.**

**Suggestions: ****You should check out **_Surfergal23_**'s beautiful and angsty story Hooked.  
**

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 20: BIG TIME BREAKTHROUGH_

* * *

"Eat your breakfast, Carlos."

It never ceased to amaze Adriana Garcia when her son would turn down food. The only thing that would overpower his insatiable appetite was his passion for art. Carlos sat at the kitchen table with a full meal of bacon, eggs, pancakes, and chocolate milk in front of him, and he treated it as if it were made of plastic and not sending delicious aromas up towards his downturned face. His full attention was on the sketchpad beside him as he drew without looking up at his mother. Throughout his childhood, the many people who truly didn't understand Carlos had thought he suffered from Attention Deficit Disorder, but he actually chose not to listen to his teachers in favor of doodling and sketching, which he found much more interesting. As his class would continue with their work, the little brunette would focus on and draw what he saw in his imagination, which usually consisted of monsters and superheroes.

Today, at the age of seventeen, Carlos has surpassed the doodling stage and has developed a highly skilled ability for drawing. As he sat at the table, he illustrated in four carefully framed windows on a page of his thick sketchbook. The first rectangular frame had been quickly filled with a stylized portrayal of himself, James, and Logan; all of them standing together as if they were posing for a portrait with gentle smiles. The second window held the single figure of a sullen looking Kendall, while the third had all four friends lined up together with their arms slung around each other's shoulders like he imagined they should look. All of the drawings were composed of dark lines and sharp shapes and shades with a black felt tip pen. He moved with a well-practiced hand; working rapidly but never making a single mistake. It only took a matter of minutes for him to move onto the fourth frame. The illustration was of the four boys again. Logan was on the left with Kendall beside him, and the figure of Carlos stood all the way to the right with James by his side at the center of the frame. There was an empty space in the middle of the group, and, just as Carlos brought his pen down to fill in the gap, his mother plucked it from his hands.

"Ma!" he whined and snapped his head up to look at his mother as if he just noticed she was in the room.

"You can keep drawing if you eat your breakfast too," Adriana insisted warmly, placing the pen on top of the paper beside her son as she pointed to his plate.

"Food!" Carlos exclaimed joyfully, wiggling in his seat as he dove right for a sip of his chocolate milk.

"You also have to have a piece of fruit," she reminded him with a grin, seeing his pout immediately form.

Carlos frowned heavily and slumped his shoulders as he scanned the bowl of various fruits at the center of the table. None of them looked appealing until he got a sudden idea. His eyes brightened as he reached for a banana and peeled it open. He placed the ripe fruit on top of his pancakes and then doused the entire thing in maple syrup. Adriana watched him and bit back a chuckle at his problem solving. She sighed heavily and turned away to wash the dishes as Carlos ate a large bite of food.

"Good job, Honey."

He only made it about halfway through his stack of pancakes before he found the pen in his hand once again, with his fork twisted, yet forgotten, in his other hand. Carlos continued right where he left off, starting with a thick, curved line right below Kendall's chin and to his left that swept its way around to almost touch the figure of James on the other side. He sketched the figure quickly, only having his memory to help him with the shapes, but it seemed perfect in his eyes. Now, in the last frame, Sage stood in the middle of the four boys with Kendall's arm wrapped protectively around her waist, and the blonde boy wore a charming smile; one of complete contentment that they hadn't been able to witness yet, but Carlos was determined to see.

"Good morning, Eddie."

Carlos heard his mother's voice ring out, signaling the entrance of his father. Eduardo walked into the room dressed in his full police uniform and moved swiftly over to kiss his wife lovingly, his lips lingering on hers slightly longer than necessary as he touched her soft, brown hair. Carlos rolled his eyes and turned back to his meal, picking up a piece of bacon as he smiled. He adored how much his parents were still in love after so many years together. They had happily made it through raising three daughters: Gabriella, Alicia, and Isabelle. Right after Gabriella moved out, Carlos was conceived, but that didn't deter his parents in the least bit. Eduardo was thrilled to finally have a son, and Adriana was practically born to be a mother. So, they took their newest responsibility seriously, remaining a strong team in the upbringing of the rambunctious boy. They were the perfect role models for Carlos, and he knew that, someday, he wanted a love like theirs; a love like Kendall and Sage had.

"Hey, Dad, have you looked into what I asked you about?" Carlos pivoted in his seat, watching his father pour himself a cup of coffee before leaning on the counter to face his son.

"I'm working on it, Carlos. I have to call in a few favors. It's hard to get this kind of information without a warrant…" Eduardo explained tenderly, not wanting to upset the brunette.

Carlos had asked his father to use his connections as a police officer to look for Sage. It was the only thing he could think of that could possibly help Kendall, but he hadn't told him what he was doing. He wouldn't be able to stand it if he built up his hopes only to tear him down when Eduardo found nothing significant. Carlos wasn't going to say anything unless his plan worked out to their advantage.

"I know…" the boy sighed gloomily before brightening his demeanor and staring directly at the man he looked up to, "…but you're doing your best, right?"

"I am, but, remember: no promises…" Eduardo warned him, not wanting to raise his son's spirits too high. He knew that finding information on Sage was a long shot when he had no solid ground to stand on during the search.

"Right," Carlos agreed quickly, going back to his sketch and finishing up the last bit of shading on Sage's figure. He couldn't stop himself from smiling at how seamlessly she fit into the center of their group, and he wished every day that she could be around.

"How has Kendall been lately?" Adriana asked as she dried the last of the dishes and came to sit at the table across from her son, who bit the inside of his cheek as he thought of how to answer the inquiry.

It has been nearly a month since Kendall finally talked to them in his room. The group of four saw each other every day, but the blonde very rarely agreed to leave the house. They spent a large portion of their time in Kendall's room, talking or watching movies; doing anything to keep him going. However, the boy remained distant from them even when he stood right beside them or looked one of them right in the eyes. While the old Kendall did everything with a full passion for life, this new, damaged Kendall could only manage half of everything; a half of a smile, a half of a laugh, a half of his usual effort. The boys were doing their best to get him to open up, but they didn't want to push him. Karen had told them it was a miracle that he was talking at all. The progress would be slow, but James, Logan, and Carlos were not giving up.

"He's the same. He agreed to come play hockey at the rink with us today," Carlos answered, trying to hold down his excitement as he polished off the rest of his breakfast; letting everything swirl together with the syrup until he could hardly tell what was what anymore. "Logan and James should be here any second."

Carlos jumped up from his chair, taking his sticky plate over to the sink and rinsing it with steaming water, and his mother appeared by his side to dry it. He silently thanked her with a smile and a kiss to her tan cheek. He skipped over to the table with limitless energy and glanced down at his finished drawing one last time. His fingers traced the edges of the last frame, wishing that the scene would come true; wishing that Sage could be with Kendall. Carlos flipped the sketch book closed, gathering it and his pen and placing them in the drawer of one of the cabinets where it would be safe. Even though he seldom cleaned up after himself without being told, Carlos always took care of his drawings; treating them as if they were made of glass. Even the smallest doodle was important to him. They were all memories or hopes for the future.

As Eduardo read the newspaper, sipping his coffee after turning each page, he watched in amusement as his lively boy all but leapt across the kitchen to stand in front of the closet door. He swung it open and buried his upper body inside, sorting through the crowded shelves. He pushed past boxes of his sisters' childhood belongings that they left behind. Adriana held onto them as her recently born grandchildren grew up, wanting to pass on their mothers' belongings to them when they reached the appropriate age. Carlos may have been an uncle, but he treated his nieces and nephews as if they were his cousins; the oldest only being five years younger than himself.

"Got ya!" Carlos exclaimed victoriously when his fingers brushed over the smooth, black surface of his helmet that had gotten pushed back to the rear of the closet.

"I haven't seen that in a while," Eduardo commented in surprise, raising an eyebrow at his son.

Carlos held his lucky hockey helmet; the one he had given up wearing daily only a little over a year ago. He used it as a security blanket for so long, but had tucked it away as he got older. It wasn't the same one that he used when he played a game. This one was always special. It made anything seem possible.

"I just feel like I'm gonna need the luck today," Carlos shrugged, seeming to be thinking hard as he stared at the shiny surface of the headgear before situating it in place on his skull. He left the straps dangling, the helmet remaining unfastened as he tapped it twice with a wide grin, only just now realizing how much he missed it.

"Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. Garcia!"

James and Logan suddenly appeared outside of the door connected to the kitchen that lead to the side of the house. They stood behind the mesh screen, huddled underneath one umbrella as the sky poured a steady rain down to the earth. James held the umbrella securely in his hand while Logan struggled to stay underneath it as the pretty boy kept trying to favor himself to cover his carefully groomed hair. The pair subconsciously swayed from side to side as if engaging in an invisible game of tug of war. It didn't even seem like they realized that they were doing it. The boys all fed off of each other's actions, reacting instinctively after many years of practice and experience with each of their attitudes and personalities.

"Are you ready to go, Carlos?" Logan asked, jingling his keys between his fingers.

"Yup! I'll see you later! Love you!" Carlos grabbed his bag from beside the door, running out to meet James and Logan with a final wave at his chuckling parents.

The trio made it to the car quickly, Carlos running right through the rain and into the back seat of the silver Toyota Camry. Logan groaned when James jumped into the passenger seat and took the umbrella with him, settling into the car and watching the rain as if it were public enemy number one. It left his friend outside without shelter, but James didn't seem to notice as he buckled his seatbelt. Logan just shook his head, used to him not thinking the small things through, and ran around to get into the driver's seat and make the short drive to Kendall's house.

While all three of the boys had their driver's licenses, Logan was the only one with a car. Laura Mitchell had a high paying job as a corporate lawyer and gave her son the material items she thought he deserved, perhaps overcompensating for her lack of time at home. It often seemed as if Logan lived in his large house all by himself, but he usually had James and Carlos spend the night when they could. Also, Logan didn't like to just receive things from his mother. The responsible boy wanted to earn them. So, he aced all of his classes and did everything he could around the house to keep it looking as perfect as Laura wanted it. He directed the cleaning staff and the landscapers that came monthly and took care of everything in between with a careful eye. Even without an actual job, Logan always kept busy.

James and Carlos had never gotten vehicles of their own because they hadn't saved up the money they needed. Sandra wouldn't give James anything he didn't deserve, and Christopher hardly had the expenses to keep up with the bills and his son's weekly allowance, which James often spent on hair care products or clothes. He was never good at saving money; always claiming that, when he was a superstar, he wouldn't have to worry about being poor. For the meantime, he was happy to share his father's car, only begging for it when needed it for his dates. As for the Garcia's, they had put their three oldest children through college and had no extra money to buy their son a car after being in a great deal of debt from student loans.

The future Hollywood star and the energized Latino had tried to get jobs all throughout high school, but they never panned out. James said he was too pretty for "slave labor", which is what he called being a waiter at the local Italian restaurant. He had never really worked in the first place. All he did was flirt to get larger tips and then got fired for messing up nearly every order. At least, that's what his boss officially said. The real reason behind the charming boy's dismissal was because the owner found him in the supply closet with his hand up his daughter's skirt. James never set foot in the restaurant again in fear of losing his genitals after the older, angry man's threats of castration.

Unlike his friend, Carlos had actually tried his hardest when he got a job at the supermarket stocking shelves, but he was fired after only three days of work when he set the bakery on fire during his lunch break while attempting to make himself cookies.

"Hello, Boys! Kendall's still upstairs," Karen greeted them sweetly, already holding the door open the second Logan pulled into the driveway.

"Kendall, let's go!" James shouted impatiently, leaning against the banister of the stairs with his arms crossed.

"I'll be down in a minute!"

James relaxed his stance. He had put on a stern face, ready for a fight from the blonde. It was rare for them to get him out of the house without an argument, but he sounded fine at the moment. It didn't seem as if he was going to back out. Logan stood right beyond the entrance of the front door, shaking the rainwater out of his dark hair and glaring at the umbrella James tossed nonchalantly from one hand to the other. Carlos swiped his sleeve over the top of his helmet to dry it off slightly and then strolled into the living room.

"What's up, Katie?" he plopped down onto the couch beside the small brunette girl.

"Nothing much…. Watching cartoons," she shrugged lightly, smirking at the way his eyes lit up.

"Sweet! How's summer camp going?" he continued, making conversation.

He and the other boys always made a point to talk to Katie when they could after they realized Kendall had stopped. They had always remembered him being extremely close with his family, but not lately. He only ever really spoke to James, Logan, and Carlos. Karen told Katie to give him some space after he had learned about Sage, but now there were mountains between them. Kendall was slowly being repaired by the boys, but the Knight family was broken. Their dynamic was off kilter. Kendall could attempt to open up around the guys, but he didn't even try around his mother and sister. His friends are separate from Sage. They weren't part of his old life, but Katie and Karen were different. They were a part of the family that he had with her, and he feels like he shouldn't get to experience that without her being there. He won't let himself be happy, and, in turn, he's making the people that he loves suffer. Kendall just can't see it yet.

"Pretty good. We played soccer, and I gave the goalie a black eye," Katie declared proudly, spinning in her seat to engage with Carlos, the cartoons on the television forgotten.

"That's so…" he paused to make sure Mrs. Knight was out of earshot, "… awesome! Did you win?"

"Of course!" Katie insisted giddily, bumping her fist against Carlos' outstretched one.

The room went silent as Kendall rushed down the stairs. Carlos smiled at Katie and then stood up to stand in the foyer with James and Logan. The blonde boy had his hockey gear slung over his shoulder and a grey beanie on his head. His jeans and shirt looked clean, which wasn't always the case when the boys spent the day in his room.

"Do you want breakfast, Sweetie?" Karen suddenly appeared from the kitchen, with a hopeful gleam in her eyes as she watched her son head for the door.

"Not hungry. I'll be back later," Kendall mumbled, keeping his head down as he walked right through the threshold and out into the rain.

It was as if being out of his room and on the main floor of his house suffocated Kendall. He couldn't be around his family because it was only a reminder of what was missing. He hasn't sat down for a meal with them since North Dakota, and he won't let himself do it again. Eating together, as a family, was something they used to do with Sage; something so small that he cherished about their strong relationship, and he couldn't seem to do it without her beside him. It felt wrong. It was just easier to run away and not look at his mother and sister. He was too worried that he'd transfer his pain over to them. Kendall thinks he's protecting them, but it only hurts worse when he's so cold.

Logan, James, and Carlos smiled apologetically at a frowning Karen and Katie, feeling as if they needed to cover for their friend's behavior. It was still weird for them to be around the Knight family. They used to be such a close group, especially Kendall and Katie. He absolutely adored his baby sister, but now he didn't even glance at her before he left the house. The boys looked at each other, silently communicating their desire to fix this, before they followed after Kendall. It had been a month of being with him again, but he wasn't getting better. He was just remaining where he was. They were determined to repair their friend, but they couldn't do much until he admitted something was wrong. They talked about Sage fully on that first day, but he rarely brought her up again unless he was recalling a memory.

Kendall was stuck in the past and ignoring the unavoidable present.

* * *

"Are you sure you don't wanna do something else? You don't seem into this…" Logan commented thoughtfully, watching Kendall gloomily skate around the ice.

He had been playing with them at the empty rink for nearly an hour, but hadn't spoken much at all. They engaged in a few friendly games with no excessive gear on, and also shot the puck around on the ice. Kendall was the one that had gotten them all into hockey at a young age, but now it seemed as though he hated the sport. He skated around them stoically, not seeming to be paying much attention.

"Maybe you need to get fired up," James suggested playfully, resting his chin on the end of his hockey stick as he watched the blonde move in front of him. "Oh, get angry! Pretend I'm that Caleb guy," James encouraged him cheerfully, remembering the way Kendall had gotten irritated when he told them about Caleb Glickman and Samantha Carson back in North Dakota.

"I thought you liked your face," Kendall spoke plainly, but sounded curious, acting as if James really did ask him to punch him. He just furrowed his brow and skated away from the trio, who watched on inquisitively as Kendall slowly took a lap around the ice.

"See? He just needed to get out of the house. He's already improving! He's being funny… Wait, that **_was_** a joke, right?" James asked nervously, his smile turning into a frightened frown as he looked over to his two sane friends with wide eyes.

"I don't know. He looked scary," Carlos admitted, whispering spookily as if he was telling a ghost story. It was mostly to keep James freaked out, but he still didn't like the lack of emotion Kendall had showed. They couldn't tell what he was thinking at all.

"Just keep trying," Logan suggested, pulling Carlos away with him to the other side of the ice as Kendall came towards James.

"But what if he hurts me- Hey, Kendall!" James recovered easily, his voice just slightly higher than he intended as the blonde smirked at him.

Kendall chose to ignore his tone as the four of them continued running drills. After several minutes, Carlos ended up in the goal, practicing blocking the puck as the others shot it at him with full force. He was doing pretty well, until James finally got one past him. The pretty boy cheered loudly, proud to have scored a goal past the team's best goalie. James smiled over at Kendall and wrapped an arm around the boy's shoulder.

"And, now, as the most gorgeous and awesome captain ever, this is the part where I turn and wave to the female fans in the crowd. Maybe I'd even blow one a kiss if I still have enough energy to get laid after the game, which I **_always_** do…" James explained cheerfully, his eyes scanning the empty stands around them as if they were filled with their cheering fans; continually loving that he was the captain of the varsity team and one of the most popular seniors in the school.

Kendall seemed instantly lost as his eyes traveled around the vacant space. His mind drifted off to Sage, back to the ice rink in North Dakota where she watched him play. He wanted her to be in the stands cheering him on, her green eyes always giving him extra strength no matter how exhausted he got. She was his support, and now it was gone. Kendall squinted at the bleachers, trying his hardest to imagine the blonde girl sitting there with her hood over her hair and a smile on her face as he moved across the ice.

"Are you taking notes? If you're gonna be my co-captain, you're gonna have to pay attention," James scolded in jest, bringing the daydreaming boy back to reality. All of them assumed Kendall would resume his rightful place on their team.

"I don't think I'm playing hockey when school starts," Kendall admitted, sounding as if he could fall asleep from the wear on his heart.

"Why not?" Logan and Carlos rushed to stand by James and Kendall when they heard the way the conversation had gone.

Logan had always tried to remain calm, but the news actually made him upset and crumbled the fake exterior. He used to think hockey was dangerous, but it was fun with his friends. He was looking forward to Kendall's leadership. Logan loved James, but the boy tended to worry more about himself rather than strategy, and he couldn't focus on too many things at once. Kendall would be a perfect asset to the team, and, more importantly, it would give him another reason to stay involved with them.

"I don't know… I don't really feel like it, I guess," he shrugged, ignoring the distraught looks on the others' faces.

"Well, are you going to join choir with me then?" James asked hopefully, his eyes darting briefly to Logan and Carlos as they all crossed their fingers. Kendall had admitted his musical background that he had with Sage, but never discussed it fully.

"No, James. I told you already: I'm not singing anymore," Kendall sighed, exasperated by their effort. He absolutely refused to do anything musical without Sage, feeling as if it would be some sort of betrayal to his girlfriend. It was irrational, and she would never want him to give up singing, but it seemed like he would seek out any excuse to remain miserable.

"You gotta do **_something_**," Carlos insisted, whining slightly.

"I am doing something. I'm going to school," Kendall rolled his eyes, acting as if they were being ridiculous, but he knew they had a valid point. He wanted to avoid the real issue, so he just kept his face expressionless.

"You're allowed to be happy, Kendall," Logan added softly, hitting the nail right on the head.

"I-" Kendall started, turning to them with short breaths and studying their hopeful faces for a minute, before backing out again, "Whatever. Let's just play."

"What's wrong?" Carlos asked, not moving an inch. He seemed to be begging Kendall to say what was on his mind.

"Nothing."

"It seems like something," James maintained his stance and wasn't backing down this time. They were presenting a united front.

"Can we play, please?" Kendall requested impatiently, gesturing to the ice beneath their feet.

"No," Logan answered simply, refusing to give up. He was usually the first to shy away from the serious topics if Kendall looked uncomfortable, but his tone was different now. He sounded determined. He sounded like a leader, making the blonde feel proud and smile fondly at the three boys.

Kendall has told them everything about the past but nothing about the present. He hasn't said how he's dealing, or, rather, not dealing, with it all. He's compartmentalizing and going through his days with a brave face. Kendall's not lost in depression anymore, but this isn't much better. He's acting and pretending like the highest paid star in Hollywood, staying in character no matter what; no matter how loud he want he wants to scream, no matter how often he wants to cry, no matter how much he wants to crawl away and settle into the darkness that constantly creeps around the edges of his mind. He focuses on the present, otherwise the weight of the past will crush every bone in his body.

"Have you guys ever been in love?"

The honest, straightforward question catches James, Carlos, and Logan off guard, but still causes them to smile. Kendall never starts the conversation, but he is finally opening the door just a little bit and they all can't wait to jump over the threshold.

"Nope," James answered easily, shrugging his shoulders simply while Logan shook his head beside him.

"I have!" Carlos shouted cheerfully, raising his hand in the air and causing Kendall to look at him cautiously, like he didn't really believe it.

"No, he just **_thinks_** he has. Carlos falls in love too easily," Logan interjected quickly, making his excited friend pout.

"Yeah, he even fell for the pizza guy when he gave him extra breadsticks," James added, snickering and shoving Carlos playfully.

"Hey! That guy would have been perfect for me, except for, you know, the penis," Carlos mumbled as he reached the end of the sentence as if he just realized he claimed to love a male.

"So, I'm going to take that as a collective 'no'…" Kendall declared, his green eyes scanning his odd friends with a smirk tugging at his lips. It fell as he breathed out a puff of air between his lips and fiddled with the hockey stick in his hands, "… but I was… I **_am_** in love… and I don't know what I'm supposed to do without it. I don't know what's right or wrong. I have no plans or strategies. I'm just here without her, and I hate it. It sounds so stupid when I try to describe how I feel because it's almost too much to put into words," Kendall trailed off sadly, feeling like he couldn't make any sense to them or to himself.

"We get it, Kendall," Logan assured him gently with the boys agreeing silently by his side. "It's like us. We've been separated for years, but we know that we'd die for each other, right?" he paused while the blonde nodded vigorously, having no doubt about his love for his brothers, "And we can't even name the moment that made us feel this way. It's not logical. It just happened. It just is…"

"Yes… Thank you…" Kendall exhaled heavily as if he'd been holding the air in his lungs.

Kendall was relieved that they understood; that they could truly understand his love for Sage, but, almost as soon as he let the relief flood his heavy heart, the guilt blew in and trampled all over it. Being content felt wrong when he felt so sure that Sage was unhappy. No matter what her new circumstances were in foster care, he knew she'd be scared around strangers, and he knew that she would be anxious about not being able to find him. It was almost as if being pleased would mean being physically ill. He couldn't let himself feel it. It felt wrong to be happy, but it was starting to weigh him down. It was becoming too much, but he was going to keep up the fight.

"What-"

"Can we play now? I don't feel like talking anymore," Kendall inquired, interrupting Carlos' question, and didn't wait for an answer. He bit his bottom lip and slid across the ice to get the puck from its place in the net.

"O-Okay," James muttered sadly, turning to look at Logan and Carlos with a sigh.

They were finally making progress, but then it was ripped out from underneath them before they could even grab it with both hands. They had made it to the middle of what seemed like an important conversation, but then Kendall stepped out. They couldn't even tell what triggered his shift in tone, but it felt as if they got to the top of the hill, only to be shoved back down. However, they remained determined. With every step forward, Kendall took two steps back, but they were going to take what they could get. It was going to take time and patience to reach a breakthrough. It had to happen on Kendall's terms.

* * *

_"Tell me more about this plan of yours," Sage smirked sinfully as she climbed on top of Kendall in their bed to straddle his thighs and press her chest to his. It was winter vacation, and Katie and Karen had gone to the young girl's dentist appointment, leaving Kendall and Sage home alone. _

_"Which one? I have so many brilliant thoughts. It's hard to keep track," Kendall grinned playfully, pressing his forefinger to his chin as if he was thinking. Sage giggled, the beautiful sound better than any song he's ever heard, as she leaned down to kiss his forehead. _

_"I wanna hear the one about our future," she clarified gleefully, nuzzling into his neck as her hands found their way beneath his shirt to rub up and down his abdomen and sides. _

_"Oh, I love that one! It's my favorite," he agreed slyly, shivering when her lips pressed right below his ear. _

_He let his hands roam along her thighs before finally landing shamelessly on her ass. Sage hummed her consent softly against his collarbone, pressing her body down harder into his lap while they started rocking together. Kendall sighed and smiled softly as she pulled away to lock her emerald eyes onto his jade colored ones. They kept moving instinctively against one another as Kendall spoke, the friction doing wonderful things to their rising body temperatures. _

_"We're going to be together forever. It's just gonna be me, you, and our family. We're going to get far away from here…"_

_"From Elliot?" Sage added hopefully._

_"Mhm. So far that he won't even remember who we are. We get to be happy and safe and as normal as our crazy selves can manage," Kendall explained their dream of the future just as he had done dozens of times. They laughed gently, their bodies still grinding together, the speed picking up just slightly. _

_"Can we go to Minnesota? Can I meet James, Carlos, and Logan?" Sage asked thoughtfully, smiling as she sat up to press her hands to his firm chest, already knowing the answer. _

_"Of course, we can do whatever we want. We're free, and there's nothing for you to be scared of anymore," Kendall kept going with their fantasy, adding to it as he saw fit, "There will be no more bruises, scars, or tears," he whispered with a sorrowful smile as his fingers and eyes grazed over the dark spots marring her beautiful, pale arms from where Elliot had grabbed her. _

_"Sounds perfect," Sage commented blissfully, her eyes slipping shut as Kendall's hands found their way beneath the bottom of her tank top to pull the clothing over her head. _

_"It will be…" Kendall assured her in a hushed tone, his vision locking onto the dark bruises over her ribs from where Elliot would strike or kick her. He had gotten so used to seeing them, and they both prayed for the day that they would finally fade for good. "I'll make sure of it," he added with determination, his eyes shooting up to her stunning face._

_They smiled at one another before diving together like magnets, their lips meeting perfectly in a searing kiss. They had done this often; talk about their future together and their hopes and dreams. They thought about the day when they could be a normal couple, but they were never really normal, were they? They are sixteen and willing to send themselves to the grave for their love; a love born out of insane instincts and taking blind risks. It was a leap of faith, and they didn't know if they were going to sink or swim. Right now, they were floating peacefully. _

_It seemed like mere seconds before they were both naked, their heated bodies pressed tightly together beneath their sheets. Sage whispered his name as he hovered above her, his hand caressing her slick center. She shuddered and clutched onto his back with a deliciously brutal force, letting him feel just how much she needed to be connected to him. Neither one of them were ever truly willing to let go. Kendall kissed her neck, nipping at her pulse point a few times to earn a series of delighted whimpers, before he grabbed onto his aching erection and guided it towards its destination. She surrounded his member like a tight glove, both of them instantly tensing and relaxing simultaneously at the intimate position that they never grew tired of. Each time was like the first._

_"I love you, Kendall…"_

His eyes shot open and air seeped quickly into his lungs like he couldn't breathe quickly enough, but, as soon as he saw his surroundings, his eyes snapped shut as if he could get back into the dream if he tried hard enough. However, he knew it wasn't just a dream. It was a vivid memory. He was back in North Dakota with Sage in their bedroom, but, now, he knew that he was awake. Here, hell surrounded him in the dark room. He wanted to run. He was tired of wallowing in it. Kendall had been escaping the house physically for weeks with Carlos, James, and Logan but never mentally. He needs to get away; go to a place where it's about being happy. This is his moment of weakness because, for once, it wasn't a nightmare. It wasn't the torture he subconsciously implemented upon himself. It was a reprieve.

Kendall stayed in his memory, squeezing his eyes shut to make the imagery easier to compose as he reached into his sweatpants. He wrapped a hand around his aching cock and pumped slowly, letting his mind wander to the image of Sage's legs opening for him; focusing on the way her skin felt against his own and how her inner walls convulsed tightly around his member when he was seated fully inside of her. It was the feeling of being absolutely complete, like he found his other half. They were alone in those moments and all that mattered was each other. All of the fears were forgotten.

And that is just what Kendall did. He forgot about everything negative as he jacked off and focused on the pure pleasure; something he hadn't let himself feel since North Dakota. His hand slid up and down his shaft, gathering the pre-cum at the tip to ease the slide back down. He thrust into his fist furiously, trying his best to pretend that Sage was on top of him. As he continued his movements, successfully staying in his fantasy of pure touching and feeling, he could feel his groin tingle and his lower muscles constrict.

The second Kendall cums is the second he loses the last of his defenses.

His orgasm had hardly wracked through him before the overpowering guilt took over. His eyes cracked open like he had been shot as his release coated his fist, and his pleasure was nearly forgotten. Everything he'd been holding up with his broad shoulders had collapsed on top of him in that minute. He can't hide anymore. He stopped being in the present and let his memories and imagination have him. Kendall gave up the battle, and, in that single moment, he lost the war. The resistance was over. He had no strength left. The fight was gone and all he had was the ability to keep breathing and the support of his friends that he so desperately needed.

With tears running down his face, Kendall jumped up from his bed and ran into the bathroom. He turned the water on as hot as he could stand it and fell into the bottom of the tub, scrubbing his hands furiously with the bar of soap on the shelf. He was doing his best to choke back the sobs, but they were shaking his entire body as he let the water pour over him. It soaked his clothes and skin almost instantly, the small room filling with steam as he huddled into a tiny ball at the bottom of the tub. He had never felt more alone and vulnerable than he did in that moment, and he was tired of it. He was done with being unhappy, because he couldn't see the rest of his life going this way. He couldn't spend another night like this. Kendall needed help, and he was ready to accept it.

It is fifteen minutes and a single text message later when Kendall finds himself crawling through the window and climbing down the side of the house so he can make his way to Logan's. He dressed in fresh, dry clothes even though it was still raining. Just before he disappeared into the night, Kendall caught a glimpse of his alarm clock and had to stop himself from sobbing again. 12:00 was written in harsh red lines.

The date was officially July 13th. It was Kendall and Sage's one year anniversary.

It's been exactly one year since they met and became each other's whole lives... and now it's over. He's walking down a barren street through a torrential downpour at midnight all alone and completely numb from the inside out. She's gone, and he can't find her. How do you go on living without hope when you had true love and lost it?

The boys can be his hope. They can give him life. They **_want_** to be there, and Kendall's ready to accept that. He can't let himself live this life anymore, or he'll end up killing himself, and he refuses to leave this world if Sage is still somewhere in it, even if he doesn't know exactly where. James, Carlos, and Logan can help him. They can be his family, and he's just angry at himself for not realizing it sooner.

Do you know how **_hard_** it actually is to keep lifelong friends? So many people come and go. There are petty fights and egos all throughout your school years and the rest of your life. The simple fact that these four boys have stuck around each other is proof of their connection. They've had fights in the past, both verbal and physical, but somehow always got over the black eyes and hurt feelings, knowing it's all worth the support and love. Love is the one thing we all need and would be insane to turn away. If Logan, James, and Carlos can help Kendall, he won't push them away anymore. Deep down, he knows he needs them just as much as he needs Sage. He would have never found his soul mate if he had ignored his gut feeling in the hospital a year ago, and, right now, his gut is telling him to give in and lean on them.

When Kendall reached Logan's house, James and Carlos were waiting with the smart brunette at the door. Logan had called them the second after he received Kendall's text telling him that he was coming over, all of them knowing this was important. Kendall shuffled up the sidewalk, soaked to the bone from the rain, but he hardly seemed to notice the weather at all. Without a word, Logan guided him inside and led him up to the bedroom with Carlos and James in tow.

Kendall sat on the bed where Logan placed him while James grabbed an extra blanket to drape over the blonde's trembling shoulders. Carlos settled beside him and rubbed his back.

"You're not okay, are you?" he whispered through the silence, all of them watching as Kendall cried relentlessly. He hadn't even done this after he got drunk. He had spoken to them and cried slightly, but not this way. He was sobbing like he couldn't breathe.

"N-No. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, and I don't want to feel like this... I feel so fuckin' guilty… I shouldn't have left her, and now she's gone, and I might as well be. I don't wanna feel dead anymore. I want to be me again... I n-need you guys," Kendall admitted through cries of emotional pain, his body feeling lighter yet somehow heavier at the declaration. He knew this was the first step, but he also knew that it wasn't an easy fix. He's been here before.

* * *

_**Nine years ago…**_

* * *

_Kendall had just buried his father. Kevin Knight was officially gone, and that left his son on his own. He was the man of the family now, and he felt utterly unprepared, but he couldn't let anyone, especially Katie and Karen, know. The amount of responsibility he was putting on himself was monumental. _

_He sat in the corner of the dining room as a bunch of strangers and familiar faces filled his house for the wake. His mother smiled bravely as she greeted and chatted with the guests while the small form of his baby sister slept in her arms with her head on the woman's shoulder. Two-year-old Katie would never really know her father, and that alone was enough to make little Kendall feel as if the world would end. Kevin was a wonderful man and role model, and Kendall had to be that for his little sister. He just didn't know how to do it successfully when he felt like a failure. He could hardly talk to the people who looked at him with pity, and he wouldn't let himself cry, which only earned a few odd stares from the guests that carried various casseroles through the door. _

_The whole gathering seemed like a party. Some people were laughing, some were crying, but the general atmosphere was one of remembrance and cheer. All of these people, including Kendall, had time to prepare for Kevin's death as the cancer rapidly tore through his body, but no amount of time felt like enough, and Kendall certainly did not feel like celebrating. He just wanted to go to his room. He wanted his friends. _

_Kendall stood up from his chair, his tiny dress shoes hitting the hardwood floor with a small squeak, and floated anonymously through the crowd, no one really seeing him as he ascended the stairs. His eyes met those of James, Carlos, and Logan where they stood with their parents by the fireplace, having a silent conversation right before he disappeared up to the second floor._

_The three boys wordlessly followed their grieving friend up to his room, shutting the door behind them. Kendall lay on his bed silently, tears finally escaping his tough exterior as the boys climbed in next to him. They all huddled together on the mattress and let Kendall cry until he felt better, knowing that, really, it would never actually be okay, but they would help him move on. Just being there is what best friends do. No questions are asked, no judgments made. It's just blind, unconditional love and support. _

_As the young Kendall cried for the loss of his father; cried for the uncertainty of his family's future, he felt just a little bit better knowing he wasn't alone. He had his brothers, and he always would._

* * *

At the age of seventeen, the boys found themselves in a position similar to the one they were in all those years ago. Logan, Kendall, Carlos, and James snuggled up together on the smart boy's bed just as they did with Kendall on the day of his father's funeral; just as they did on the night James' parents announced their divorce; just as they did the night Logan's violent father left for good. It was more difficult to fit on the mattress now that they were young adults, but they made it work with legs and arms tangled together, all of them squeezing each other simply to remind the others that they were there.

No matter what happens in the world outside of their group, they have to remember that they have each other. When they are in each other's presence, they are allowed to be weak. They are allowed to need each other so much that it hurts. They are allowed to feel pain, but they are also allowed to be happy.

Kendall's learning that again.

* * *

**A/N: Did you like it? I personally got a little emotional during the dream because WE know what's happening to Sage NOW but Kendall doesn't :( In the next chapter, we'll see more of the Knight family dynamic, which is still broken, but not for long ;D**

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :)**


	21. Big Time Whirlwind

**A/N: Nothing much to say other than ENJOY! (also enjoy the new BTR tonight ;D) **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. I've paraphrased a statistic from the website: ask men . com**

**Suggestion: ****You should check out **_Surfergal23_**'s amazing story Hooked.  
**

**Also, there is a fantastic new author on here, so-complicated. They just started a new Kendall/OC story that, "Something to Sleep to". It's going to be amazing and so much more than you're expecting. Check it out and give her a friendly welcome to the fandom :)**

**On with the story! :D Please, enjoy and review :) **

*****and the lyric in here belongs to Heffron Drive (Kendall Schmidt and Dustin Belt). It's from their song "Quiet Please" (it's AMAZING) :D  
**

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 21: BIG TIME WHIRLWIND_

* * *

Carlos descended the stairs quickly, taking two at a time until he reached the bottom with his sneakers catching slightly in the narrow rug on the hardwood floor that lead to the main entrance of the Garcia's home. He steadied himself by holding onto the railing and then ran for the door with a newly reenergized hop in his step. The brunette wanted to catch his father before he left to continue his shift after a lunch break, which he took at home in order to spend the short time with his wife, Adriana. He would be working late into the night at Sherwood Police Department and patrolling the streets.

"Dad!"

Eduardo Garcia stopped right before sliding the key into the ignition of his squad car, watching his son with a smirk as the boy slid his way across the front yard on the damp blades of uncut grass. A thunderstorm had blown through earlier in the morning, and the lawn was still moist even though the sun was rising higher and higher in the sky.

"What do ya need, Son?" Eduardo grinned cheerfully, making the wrinkles around his eyes deeper as Carlos stopped with a skid and placed his hands on the roof of the car, not seeming to care how many different directions his body was being pulled into with the wild, rapid motions.

"I … uh… w-wanted to-" the younger Garcia raised one finger into the air, signaling that he needed a minute while he caught his breath; having been panicked ever since he heard the car door slam while he had been cleaning his cluttered room. "I wanted to ask you about Sage," he clarified breathily, his shoulders slumping with an overly hopeful look that made his father cringe.

Eduardo had been avoiding this conversation for as long as he could. It was now the middle of August, and he had successfully dodged his son's questions for several weeks. He didn't want to disappoint the perpetually joyful boy with his news, or lack thereof, but he had to stop evading Carlos. Mr. Garcia sighed heavily and reached between the driver's and passenger's seats to grab a manila colored folder that he had hidden there for safekeeping. He opened the door slowly and climbed out of the car to stand in front of his son.

"Is that it? Did you find something?" Carlos asked excitedly, looking as if he was going to snatch the file from his father's strong hands. He felt like he had been waiting for ages to hear about any information Eduardo could dig up on Kendall's girlfriend.

"I got some info, but there wasn't anything about where she is now. There were just a few interesting things about her file…" Eduardo paused, watching his son's optimistic smile slip into an uncharacteristic frown, "… and I know you might not want to hear this, but the stuff I got on her only makes me think that it's probably best that she was sent away to get help…"

Carlos' eyes darted up to meet those of his father, shock clearly evident on the boy's features.

"Why would you say that? Sage doesn't need help. She needs Kendall… She needs to be here with us," Carlos insisted, trying his best to remain calm as he folded his tan arms over his broad chest, where his heart beat wildly beneath. He had no clue that his reaction would be so strong when it came to defending Sage, but it felt completely fitting for him to protect the girl. It was like she was already a part of their family. If she was important to Kendall, then she would be just as important to them.

"Carlos, I don't know if Kendall was being completely honest with you…" Eduardo claimed gently, biting the inside of his cheek as he patted his son's shoulder softly.

"You're wrong," the boy declared easily, knowing that Kendall's word was unquestionable.

"Just look at the file," Eduardo kept his voice calm, trying to soothe the rising nerves of his youngest child as he handed the folder over to him.

Carlos rolled his brown eyes dramatically, growling low in his throat out of frustration as he swiped it from his dad's grasp. He realized that there was nothing written on paper that would change his mind about Kendall and Sage, but he also understood that Eduardo didn't comprehend everything the way he did. As a result of curiosity, and in an effort to please his pleading father, he opened the file and scanned its contents while the older man explained it further.

"Sage Henderson started acting out after her mother's suicide several years ago. There's a whole bunch of reports about her drug use and unstable behavior. She was involuntarily committed for a psych evaluation after a public breakdown, and was on suicide watch at the age of fourteen," Eduardo paused, waiting for a reaction from Carlos, but the boy just kept his focus on the papers in front of him and wouldn't look up at his father as his jaw tensed. "There had been other drug rumors in the past, but, just earlier this year, she was admitted to the hospital after being beaten by her dealer. She went in high on heroin and flat out refused to give the name of her assailant."

Everything Kendall had told them was in the folder that Carlos held in his shaking hands. It was all true, but everything was distorted. The evidence of Sage's horrific abuse burned the Latino's eyes as he scanned the pictures they had on file. They appeared to have been taken at the hospital. The skin along her ribs was badly bruised. Her face was still covered in blood from a wound on her head, and there was a cast on her arm. Carlos knew the real reason why Sage had been severely injured on Valentine's Day, but Eduardo's version of the story was constructed with a limited understanding, which everyone seemed to share. Elliot was always left out of the equation or painted as the loving father figure, when, in reality, he was the source of every problem in the savagely beaten girl's life.

As he flipped to the second page in the folder, Carlos had to struggle to keep his emotions in check. There was no picture, so he still couldn't put a face on the monster, but the name at the top of the paper was enough to make him see red. He glanced up at his father, trying to read the words for himself, and hoping that Eduardo would explain the gist of the information he knew would lead to nothing but more anger.

"Officer Elliot Henderson is the only reason Sage stayed out of the legal system. She got herself into a lot of trouble, but Elliot always dug her out. He did his best to stop investigations into her drug problems and keep her safe. In fact, the only report that he is a part of has him listed as the victim," Eduardo explained sadly, knowing that his words were hurting his son, but he had to tell him everything he knew so that the air was clear between them. He stepped forward and flipped the page as he spoke, "Kendall Knight was put into the system for assaulting a police officer, but the investigation was dropped and no charges were filed after Officer Henderson insisted on it."

Carlos bit his tongue, not being able to think of anything to say that wouldn't come out as a scream. None of this was new to him. Kendall had explained it all, but this was just an example of how misleading Elliot was. Carlos and Eduardo were more alike than most fathers and sons, but, right now, it felt like they were on different planets. He had never been angry at his dad before, but now Carlos just wanted to yell at him for not understanding. He felt like he was the only one who could see what was right in front of them.

"Was there anything else on Kendall?" Carlos wanted to get as much as he could from the file while he had it in his hands so that he could tell his friend all of the information he knew, and what was available to the public. It was laughable at how much he and Sage were painted as delinquents. He clenched his teeth as he waited for the answer.

"He was treated for a few serious injuries in March after he was beaten and mugged late in the evening."

That's what the neatly written report claimed. Carlos read it with his own eyes, and it only made him even more livid.

"He wasn't mugged! Elliot and his honorable fellow officers pounded him into the pavement!" Carlos yelled bitterly, reaching his breaking point as he threw the folder onto the muddy ground.

"That's a very serious accusation, Carlos," Eduardo scolded his son lightly, shaking his head in disbelief.

"And so is child abuse, but no one was listening!" Carlos insisted, his wrath still in full effect as he ran his hands through his hair with a heavy sigh. He hadn't mentioned the cruel treatment Sage had been receiving from her stepfather before, but it just came out now. It was physically hurtful to hear someone defend Elliot, but Eduardo appeared to be unaffected by Carlos' harsh words, thinking they were only stemming from his growing anger.

"There is no evidence of abuse, Son. Sage is a troubled girl, and Elliot is an upstanding citizen. He's received multiple commendations for his work at the Ramsey Police Department. He seems like a good man to me, and he kept Sage and adopted her after her mother's death even though he had no legal obligation to her at the time," the eldest Garcia's face softened, knowing that it wasn't what Carlos wanted to hear, but he didn't want him slandering a respectable man of the law.

"I can't even begin to tell you how wrong you are," Carlos growled and chuckled darkly, moving his head from side to side. "Whatever. She's gone anyway, right? You couldn't find anything about where he sent her?" the boy asked with a rigid stance, folding his arms in front of his chest once again. He already knew the answer, but nothing could make his heart sink any lower than it was.

Eduardo nodded slowly, bending down to pick the file up off of the ground. He wiped the dirt from the cover and turned to the last page.

"The latest information on Sage says that she dropped out of Ramsey High School in May. Both she and Elliot were present at the time, and that's where the trail ends. He probably put her into a private institution where they helped place her with a nice foster family," Eduardo attempted to assure his son, patting his tense shoulder soothingly. "It sounds like she was in a lot of trouble, and she needed some help that Elliot and Kendall couldn't give her. Her stepfather probably did the right thing by sending her away. Sage and Kendall only seemed to put each other in danger. Separating them was for the best-"

"It is **_not_** for the best!" Carlos declared, throwing his hands into the air. "Kendall and Sage love each other. He needs her like you need Mom."

"He's only seventeen," Eduardo insisted, keeping his voice steady. He knew that his son was upset, but he couldn't ever understand the real reason why. He didn't know what the boys and the Knight family knew.

"So were you," Carlos countered him quickly, smirking smugly. Eduardo and Adriana had been high school sweethearts, starting nearly the first day of freshman year. They had declared that it was love at first sight, and Carlos believed in that type of connection at an early age. That's why it was so easy to accept Sage and Kendall as the perfect couple. If Kendall said it was love, then that was good enough for Carlos.

"We don't know Sage, and you haven't seen Kendall in years. You don't know what he's become."

Eduardo couldn't understand the friendship between the four boys; how indestructible and resilient it was to time and anything else that threatened to tear it apart. He seemed sad to have to hurt his son, but Eduardo thought he was speaking the truth. He had every reason to believe what the file in his hands told him. It was evidence in black and white, but Carlos had learned recently that the world was not that simple. Elliot, and others like him, distorted reality and twisted it to suit their needs. Officer Henderson had quickly discovered ways to use the law to his advantage. He played his game perfectly; so perfectly that a wonderful man like Eduardo Garcia could believe that Elliot was as good as he was. It sickened Carlos to see his father standing up for a man that wasn't worth the dirt beneath their feet, but he couldn't make him see the facts after being presented with the type of information Eduardo made his living on. To him, these files were all he needed. The evidence spoke for itself. It saved lives and locked up criminals. Carlos couldn't explain that, this time, the system was letting them all down.

"I know who he is, and I trust him. Kendall is not lying about Sage," Carlos spoke calmly, but his fierce frustration laced every word as he spun around and stormed off.

He no longer looked like the young boy Eduardo and Adriana had raised. He looked like a young adult more than he ever had before. He was angry, but seemed strong and sure. It was the first time he had openly argued with his father, but Eduardo almost felt proud of his only boy. Carlos, who usually avoided conflict and focused on the fun in life, was standing up for his friends, and loyalty was an admirable trait to possess. He knew he was upset, but Eduardo was sure that it would all work out. Carlos was tough, and he was old enough to make his own decisions. Eduardo just hoped that he was wrong about Kendall, and that the blonde wouldn't end up hurting his friends with what seemed to be a streak of rash behavior.

Elliot had succeeded in tainting Kendall's image, but that was the least of Carlos' problems. Right now, he couldn't care less about what his father thought of Kendall. He was too concerned with having to break the bad news to his best friend. Carlos had seen his father as their last chance to find Sage, and, not only did it not pan out like he wanted it to, but the results only served to help him identify with the frustration Kendall had shown. It felt like he could talk and talk, but no one would listen. Elliot is good at what he does.

As Carlos walked to Kendall's house, where he was supposed to meet the guys, the weather shifted to reflect his mood. A light breeze blew, but then the air grew still at ground level. High above him, clouds rolled in at a rapid pace, darkening the blue sky slightly until a greenish shade took over. The Latino sped up, quickly making the short walk with his head down and his hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans.

When he reached the Knight house, he paused near the front door and heard laughter from the backyard before he lifted his arm to knock. With a permanent scowl on his face, Carlos took a deep breath and strolled along the side of the house towards the noise. He stopped at the sight before him, staying hidden in the shadow of the home beside him. He wasn't surprised that James, Logan, and Kendall were outside. The blonde often avoided being inside with Katie and Karen as much as he could. The family was still tense and cold around one another, but Kendall was healing. He was actually laughing.

"Read another one," Kendall's voice rang out brightly between fits of laughter from where he sat on top of the fence surrounding the backyard.

He had a large oak tree behind him to press his shoulders into so that he wouldn't fall, and his feet rested against the horizontal support beam of the wood. His long arms stretched out as he reached to the right to catch a ball that Logan threw, nearly sending him off of the fence, but he didn't seem to mind or notice. Logan sat on the ground a few yards away from him with his legs folded beneath his body. They both smiled and tossed the green ball back and forth, glancing occasionally at James, who was situated in a lawn chair at a picnic table on the patio with his ankles crossed on the tabletop and a magazine in his hands.

"Why do you want to hear more? This stuff is ridiculous," Logan giggled, despite his words, and leaned all the way back until his shoulders touched the ground when Kendall threw a fastball. He caught it with a heavy breath and then tossed it back to his friend at the top of the fence.

"Logie, you only think it's stupid because you're a virgin," James insisted teasingly, smirking as his eyes left the men's magazine in his lap and met those of the brunette on the ground.

"Whatever. Where do you even get these magazines, anyway?" Logan asked, chuckling as he tried to keep his focus on Kendall, who was grinning and faking him out by threatening to throw the ball twice before actually releasing it into the air.

"My dad leaves them on the coffee table," James responded with a nonchalant shrug, leaning further back in his chair so that the legs rose slightly off of the ground.

"Yeah, because that's exactly the type of thing you should leave out to entertain company," the smart boy replied sarcastically, rolling his eyes and gesturing to the magazine, which had a picture of a tan and scantily clad woman on the cover.

"I find it entertaining," Kendall commented randomly, smirking at Logan when he received a disapproving glare.

"What a coincidence. Me too! It's two against one, Logan. So, just listen and absorb the knowledge I'm offering you. This way, you'll be prepared when you finally decide to forget about your chastity," James teased him with a fake look of authority, which Logan chose to ignore while the tallest boy began reading from the article they had been perusing for the last few minutes as they waited for Carlos. "It says here that 'premature ejaculation can thwart a man's sex life. In a recent survey, nearly one third of all 18 to 29-year-old men say climaxing too early is a problem'… What a bunch of losers! Only inexperienced, nerdy virgins would bust before even getting to the best parts," James declared arrogantly, snickering as he turned the page of the magazine.

Kendall rolled his eyes at his friend's attitude and shared a knowing look with Logan as the brunette threw the ball up to him and addressed James. Carlos grinned softly, loving how healthy Kendall appeared compared to only a month earlier. He was engaging openly and smiling without seeming to be in emotional pain. Although he was relatively quiet, the Latino suspected it was only because a conversation between Logan and James could be as entertaining as any movie they've ever seen. Sometimes it was a comedy, and sometimes it was a drama, but, usually, it was a mixture of both.

"Premature ejaculation is not a laughing matter, James. It's in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. It's a serious issue that people suffer from," Logan insisted sternly, taking on his role as future-doctor and already sounding sympathetic to an invisible patient. The pretty boy just gave him a smug smile and raised a sharp eyebrow at him.

"Oh, did I hit a soft spot?"

"Shove it, Diamond! It's not like you're perfect in every way," Logan seemed sure of himself as he turned his attention back to Kendall. He was ready to keep tossing the ball back and forth, but James wasn't going to let the conversation go.

"I've never gotten any complaints," James spoke without a single trace of humbleness.

"How would you know? You don't even stick around long enough to learn their last name, let alone what they'd rate your performance," Logan was snide as he commented on his friend's promiscuous behavior, but James' personality always stayed as bright as his smile.

"Doesn't matter. I already have the answer. I'm **_always_** a ten."

Before Logan could respond with another comeback, Carlos decided it was time to step in and stop hiding in the shadows. He was hoping that his own mood, which had been dampened by his discussion with his father, would liven up with the high energy surrounding him and the boys. He walked quickly across the lawn and sat down between Logan and James on the moist ground.

"What are you guys up to?" he asked, praying that he sounded more cheerful than he felt as he pretended to have no idea what they were discussing.

"Hopefully something else now that you're here," Logan sighed in exasperation, smiling thankfully at him before turning to catch the ball thrown by Kendall, who slumped his shoulders and softened his smirk.

"James was just teasing Logan," Kendall explained to Carlos shortly and then turned to Logan. "We know you're perfectly capable of satisfying your partner, Logie," Kendall spoke diplomatically, coming in between the rising tension with an easygoing smile of encouragement. His friend opened his mouth to thank him, but was cut off by James.

"You can't satisfy what doesn't exist," he declared in a sing-song voice, not even looking up from the magazine in his hands.

Carlos ducked right before Logan chucked the ball at James with all of his strength and then wore a smug expression as he watched him let out an unmanly squeal. He fell from his chair when the ball connected forcibly with his chest, and his ass hit the patio beneath him with a satisfying thud. Carlos giggled and watched James jump to his feet hastily, wiping the nonexistent dirt from his outfit almost as soon as he was upright.

"Nice!" Kendall announced his approval with a chuckle as he hopped off of the fence with a high amount of energy.

"Okay, I've completed my literature quota for the day. Let's go to the mall," James' tone was jovial as he walked the short distance to stand in front of Logan.

James held out his hand to help the boy off of the ground, offering a silent apology, admitting he deserved the rough treatment for pushing his buttons too hard. Logan shot him a lopsided grin and let James pull him up, just as silently accepting the expression of regret. They easily bumped shoulders, and all ill feelings were forgotten. It was just the nature of their bickering relationship. Arguments were both started and finished easily.

"Aw, how bromantic!" Kendall commented in an overly dreamy voice, turning to Carlos for more backup in the banter.

The Latino only managed to smile weakly from his position on the grass, causing all eyes to land on him.

"Are you alright, Carlitos? You seem too quiet…" Kendall wondered for them all. The three teens were looking at the youngest boy with curiosity and apprehension. It wasn't often that Carlos was silent. They had a better chance of Logan failing an algebra test.

"Yeah, um… actually, I have to tell-"

Carlos fumbled over his words nervously and was literally saved by the bell or, in this case, the siren. The drone of the town's alarm suddenly filled the still air, and the sky was darkening more and more by the second. The sound was shrill, but the boys were able to hear each other clearly over the noise.

"Shit!" Kendall yelled angrily.

It was a tornado warning, but he wasn't too concerned with the probable disaster. He was more worried about what it meant. They were going to have to spend an indefinite amount of time in the Knight's basement with Katie and Karen. Kendall had been avoiding them like the plague ever since his depression started. Things were still awkward among them. They used to be so close, but not anymore. Kendall drove them all apart, and now he didn't want to face what he had created.

"Logan, please tell me there is some statistical bullshit you can feed my mom that will let her think it's safer for me to stay out here?" Kendall asked hopefully, already dragging his feet in the direction of the backdoor.

"Get in the house, Kendall," Logan instructed him sternly, pushing the stubborn blonde with James and Carlos close behind them. They all knew about Kendall's shattered relationship with his family, and they all wanted it fixed as soon as possible, but they wouldn't push their friend after just recently getting him to put down his walls for them.

"Hurry! If the wind starts to pick up, I'm never gonna get my hair back into place," James' panicky voice drove them forward, along with his large hands on their shoulders, as they slid through the back entrance of the Knight house, where Karen stood anxiously waving her arms over the sound of the warning siren.

Being in Tornado Alley, the reoccurring tornado warnings were nothing new to the people of the central U.S. It was part of living in the area. They had plenty of insurance and were well briefed in safety during the dangerous storms. Kendall, James, Carlos, Logan, and Karen all filed into the basement, where Katie already sat with a first aid kit and a battery-powered radio. All of the necessities were taken care of, and, once they were settled down, all that there was left to do was wait. This was the hardest part for Kendall.

It wasn't long before he found himself huddled in the corner with his knees raised to his chest. He was doing his best to stay silent as the world continued moving around him. The whole group of six sat close together in the part of the basement where there were no windows, and the dark room was dimly lit by a few battery-powered lanterns situated on the shelves and an old wobbly table along one of the walls, which Katie and Carlos sat on top of. The pair was playing a game of poker with James, who had pulled over a heavy cardboard box to use as a chair. Logan was triple-checking the first aid kit and fiddling with the radio every now and then, listening to the emergency weather broadcast to keep everyone updated on the tornado, which was relatively weak at the moment and barely making contact with the ground, but its path remained unpredictable. Karen was in the opposite corner of the basement, either consciously or subconsciously choosing to sit as far away from her son as possible, while she read a random novel she had found on the shelves to occupy her time.

"Katie wins again," Carlos sighed, feigning frustration with a grin as the brunette girl pulled the mound of peanuts, or "poker chips", to her growing pile on the table beneath her.

"You're too good," James whined dramatically, trying to sneak a peanut from Carlos' batch and receiving a rough slap to his hand. He stuck his tongue out at the Latino, causing Katie to giggle at the interaction.

"Sage taught me probability," the girl declared proudly, smirking and shifting her legs into a more comfortable position as Carlos gathered the cards and shuffled to prepare for another hand.

Kendall's heart instantly sunk into his stomach. He had only ever talked about Sage with the guys. He liked to pretend that Katie and Karen never knew her. This way, they wouldn't be able to be negatively affected by the turn of events their lives had taken like he had been. Kendall just wanted to be broken and damaged by himself. He wanted to carry all of his family's burdens alone.

"Really?" Logan perked up at the mention of mathematics and turned to Katie with a friendly smile of curiosity. He leaned against the table with his arms folded. "What else did she-"

"Can we **_not_**, please?" Kendall begged, sounding annoyed. He glared at the group, who all frowned. His friends' eyes stayed on him for a few moments, as if asking him to reconsider, but Katie immediately started to move her peanuts around with her fingertips and bit her bottom lip.

The overwhelming silence was back now. Inside of the basement, the air was so thick and still that you could almost choke on it, while a tornado rustled the trees and kicked up dirt a few miles away. This group couldn't care less about the natural disaster, knowing that the radio reported its weakening strength. The real storm was brewing in the room with them.

"Those bracelets are cool," Carlos commented randomly, pointing to Katie's tiny wrist and attempting to change the subject.

"Oh, god…" Kendall groaned and thumped his head against the wall behind him. He knew they were talking about the friendship bracelets that Katie, Sage, and Kendall all wore since the day they left North Dakota. He squeezed his eyes shut before opening them and focusing on the two bands around his own wrist. His fingers danced over them thoughtfully as he thought about who they represented.

Katie and Sage were the two most important girls in his life. Kendall had kept all of the memories of his girlfriend close to his heart and held onto them tightly even in her absence, but he had let his relationship with the other girl fall into the background. He was avoiding Katie on purpose. Being around her and his mother felt wrong and irresponsible. If he spent time with her, he'd be a terrible big brother. It would be like letting her play with an electrical toy that had a short circuit. Kendall knew he was damaged and acting differently than he normally would. James, Carlos, and Logan could handle it. They were his equals, but he had to take care of his family. They needed him to be stronger. He felt like this was a necessary sacrifice until he was fully repaired, which didn't even seem plausible unless Sage came waltzing through the front door.

"I made them earlier in the year. Sage, Kendall, and I all wear matching ones," Katie explained softly, darting her eyes to her brother in the corner.

She expected him to oppose the conversation, but he wasn't stopping her. It was useless. No matter what, everything leads back to Sage.

"That's cool. They look good on you," James insisted sweetly, trying to make the little girl's frown disappear with his charm. It worked, and Katie was smiling again, but it was only a little one as she picked at the thread around her wrist absentmindedly.

"You miss her a lot, huh?" Carlos assumed sadly, his shoulders slumping as he placed the shuffled cards to the side.

The poker game didn't seem entertaining anymore. He could see the turmoil all over the little girl's face. It wasn't until now that he fully realized what Katie had been through. His focus was on Kendall for the last few months, but the pictures of Sage's beaten body were in his mind now. Katie looked up to the girl, and she had to watch her get hurt over and over again. The youngest Knight was undoubtedly traumatized, but her brother refused to talk to her about it.

"Yeah, all the time," she admitted weakly, smiling gratefully at Carlos for the open discussion. "She's like my sister."

"Do you guys think we could change the subject?" Kendall's voice cut through the room like a knife. All eyes were on him. He didn't sound angry. He looked to be on the verge of tears.

"I think we should talk about Sage," Karen declared sternly, tossing her book to the ground and sliding over to the nearest wall so she could see her son more clearly. He didn't look amused.

"Mom, please don't-"

"No, Kendall. You can't keep avoiding this… You can't keep avoiding us," Karen insisted firmly, sharing a look with Katie to let her know it was time for a discussion. The young girl put a brave face on, the one that made her look older than anyone else in the room, and stood in a united front with her mother.

Kendall shook his head and stared at his friends for support, but James, Carlos, and Logan weren't helping. The whole group was looking at him expectantly.

"Thanks for the help, guys," he rolled his eyes and spoke sarcastically.

"We are helping, Kendall," Logan kept his voice soft, but strict. He wasn't going to let Kendall back out of this conversation again.

"Then why does it feel like you're trapping me?" Kendall asked, chuckling bitterly and stretching his legs out in front of him. His body felt tense and sore.

"Because you're scared. Your mom is trying so hard to help you, and you just don't care. They need you, Kendall, and, if you stop caring about the people who love you, you'll turn into someone like my dad."

Logan's speech silenced the room once again. He never spoke about his father if he could help it. The man had let him down on more than one occasion. Patrick abused his son and wife, and then chose drugs over the family he used to care for so dearly. He made all the wrong decisions, and Logan wasn't about to watch his best friend take the same destructive path. Unlike him, Kendall had a family. Logan was forced to sit at home alone while his workaholic mother spent all of her time out of town, treating her son like he didn't exist most of the time. He didn't agree with Kendall's actions, and he was tired of sitting back and watching it happen.

"What do you want me to say?" Kendall asked, sighing in exasperation and running a hand through his hair.

"Just say anything. It's better than silence," Karen seemed exhausted, but relieved that Kendall was done fighting. "You think you're the only one suffering. Katie lost her sister. I lost my daughter, and we don't know if we'll get her back," the eldest Knight was in tears, making Kendall and Katie form some of their own. The boys watched on quietly, hoping this would lead to the healing of the family that used to be so strong.

"I feel like you guys count on me, but I'm not doing anything worthy of praise. You can't be around me. You're tough, and I'm not anymore. It feels like I'm going to hurt you just by being around you," Kendall admitted weakly, wiping the tears from his eyes before they could fall.

"You're so selfish!" Katie yelled wildly, hopping off of the table and throwing her hands into the air out of frustration.

Kendall was shocked at the outburst, but he didn't feel like he was capable of arguing.

"You're doing this for yourself. Don't use me and Mom as an excuse. You dodge us every day because of your own pain. You don't want to be reminded of our family. Sage is gone, but we're still here! You're **_choosing_** to shut us out," Katie's anger was fading as she walked to stand in front of her brother.

Kendall was staring at her in amazement. It was all true, but he just couldn't see it until his little sister was screaming at him. He had thought he was being selfless, but he was wrong. He was doing more harm than good, and he was instantly regretting his poorly constructed decisions.

"You taught me that we have to face life head on. It's what Dad taught you," Katie added gently, wrapping her arms around her torso as she continued to cry.

"I'm s-sorry… I'm so fuckin' sorry," Kendall mumbled and jumped off of the ground and lifted his baby sister into the air. Karen rose at the same time, walking across the room with a stifled sob.

He felt like he let Katie down, and now he was going to do anything to make it up to her and his mother. Kendall was supposed to stand in as the man of his family when his father died, but he had failed miserably. Before they had even started moving around at an early age, Kendall and Katie were strongly bonded together. They relied on one another when they had no one else that understood their lives, and he had just given up. He thought Katie was resilient enough to handle this, but he forgets sometimes that she's only a young girl because of how mature she can be. Katie will always need her big brother.

"I'm gonna be here. I'm gonna be better. I promise," Kendall whispered shakily, holding his sister tightly in his squeezing arms as he kissed her hair. Karen moved in front of him with a teary, relieved smile. "I promise," he repeated to his mother with a short nod.

The Knight family huddled together for a group hug, connecting intensely for the first time since North Dakota. They couldn't help but notice that they were absent one member. James, Carlos, and Logan were in the room, but Sage was still missing from the equation. They would have to figure things out, but they would do it together. They're no good apart.

"This is awesome," Carlos was suddenly wrapping his arms around the trio, adding another person to their huddle with a breathy laugh.

He always fed off of the emotions of those around him, and, right now, he felt relieved and calm, despite the tornado threatening them from the outside. The wind howled and the trees rustled relentlessly, but no one seemed to care. In fact, the weather appeared to be calming down as the seconds passed.

Logan abandoned the radio, which was announcing the end of the storm that had ended up not directly hitting their neighborhood after all, and chuckled as he joined the group hug. Everyone was teary-eyed and smiling. They embraced each other cheerfully; glad that the last divider between them was falling. It was going to take time, but, with everyone pitching in, the Knights could be okay again. They could be happy.

"James, are you getting in on this?" Carlos asked joyfully, jumping with his arms around the group. James was still sitting on the box he used as a chair and playing with the end of his shirt.

"I can't," he bit his bottom lip with a shake of his head. Those that were engaging in the embrace frowned and broke apart to stare at the brunette curiously.

James looked agitated. He pushed out a heavy breath between his lips and stood up abruptly.

"You know, I said that I understood, but I don't. I don't get this shit at all," he laughed sarcastically and threw a hand into his hair, not seeming to care that it was being ruffled. "Love is stupid. Look at what it's doing to all of you. You're happy now, but it never lasts! It ruined your life. It comes and goes. You can't rely on it. It only lets you down," he trailed off weakly, breathing unsteadily as he paced the short length of the room.

James always knew love existed, but he never liked it. It ruined his family and made his parents resent each other to the point of brutal hatred. All love brought him was nasty arguments over custody and little things that never mattered in the first place. He put on a brave smile, but he loathed his parents' volatile relationship. They were so in love, and then they turned on each other. He didn't want his friends to go through that kind of pain. That's why he usually preferred to only engage in relationships with no commitment. It was easier not to get hurt if you focused on the pleasure in life rather than the heartache.

"Why would you even try it if it causes this much pain?"

"Because the outcome is supposed to be worth it," Carlos declared simply, easily believing in a powerful love like his parents'.

"It all seems so stupid, but I'll be here when you guys crash and burn," James rolled his eyes dismissively, still fidgeting with his fingers nervously as he tried to lighten the mood. No one was buying it, but he wasn't going to continue the conversation anymore. James was the master at recovering from a meltdown. "Can we go upstairs now? The warning's over, and I need to see a mirror," James gestured to the radio, which was giving the all clear, and patted the top of his disheveled hair. He was acting too nonchalant, obviously covering his annoyance.

Kendall, Logan, and Carlos stared at each other anxiously, all of them shrugging at once in a silent agreement to drop the subject for now. James had a lot of relationship issues that he would never admit to. The Knight family had been repaired. Climbing that mountain was enough for one day.

"Hey, Mom, could you make lunch, and we can all stay here today?" Kendall asked hopefully, smiling to himself as he made an effort at being open with his family. They may get hurt, but everyone does. They would deal with it all together.

"I'd love that. I got dinosaur-shaped chicken!" Karen responded brightly, ushering them all upstairs after James, who ran like he was on fire.

They all settled into the kitchen after Carlos and James called their parents to let them know everything was fine. The tornado had only reached an F1 on the Fujita Scale. A few roofs on the edge of Sherwood had been damaged, but there was nothing too severe.

Kendall sat on a stool at the center of the room, leaning on the island with Katie in his lap as they engaged in a thumb war. Logan laughed beside them while Carlos seated himself on top of the counter with James resting against the wall in front of them. Karen shuffled pans into the oven and set the timer.

"Listen, since we're all in a sharing mood, I have something I need to tell you," Carlos admitted, biting at his thumb nervously as his eyes met Kendall's.

"What is it?" Logan asked him, getting anxious at the worried look on his friend's face.

"I asked my dad to see what he could find on Sage," he paused and wanted to cry all over again at the hopeful looks Katie, Karen, and Kendall were giving him. "There wasn't anything new; just a bunch of infuriating stuff about how great Elliot is and how you and Sage are delinquents," he mumbled sadly, keeping it vague. If the details made him angry, he couldn't imagine how upset Kendall would get.

"Yeah, we were real bad-asses," Kendall scoffed and bit the inside of his cheek.

"There were, uh, pictures of her in the h-hospital," Carlos stuttered as the Knights tensed, having specific memories and not needing the physical images to understand what he was feeling. Logan and James looked disgusted and upset at the thought of the innocent girl, which they saw in the pictures Kendall had, bloodied and beaten. "Was it always that bad?"

"There were good days… and there were terrible days," Kendall admitted gloomily, but the group was happy to see him staying present in the conversation. His arms wrapped tighter around Katie, who squeezed him back with as much force as she could muster. "There really wasn't anything else in the file?"

"No, nothing we didn't know. The official trail that my dad could access ended with her dropping out of school, but you already knew that from when you called that Dustin guy," Carlos offered lamely, shrugging helplessly. He wished he could have brought better news.

"So, everything's okay," James declared suddenly, trying to brighten the mood, "I mean, it's not **_really_** okay, but it's the same. We can deal with that."

"James is right. What's nine more months? She'll be released from foster care in May, and we'll be able to find her then. She could be anywhere right now, but we'll make sure she knows where we are when the time comes. There's always the internet," Logan added cheerfully, his excitement rising at the prospect of meeting Sage.

"And I get into enough trouble to end up on the news! We'll make it impossible for her **_not_** to find us," Carlos giggled happily with agreement all around.

With this amount of support, Kendall felt like a good future was possible. He felt confident that Sage was in a better place as long as she wasn't with her stepfather, because there was nothing worse than Elliot. She would be scared and alone, but Sage was strong, and she could handle foster care. She had made it through years without Kendall, and she could take a few more months. With her looking for him, and all of his family looking for her, they would be reunited. He was sure of it.

They just had to wait.

* * *

**_"... We will make it 'til tomorrow and past the sorrow…"_**

The words felt like a lie, or a shaky promise at best, as Sage wrote them in her notebook with a delicate hand, but she knew it was what Kendall would say. His voice running through her memories was the only thing keeping her sane. He gave her something to make every day with Elliot bearable, and she wasn't about to give it up now that she was in the thick of hell. It certainly couldn't get any worse. Sage had no clue what she was doing. She had no plans other than to wait it out until something changed. Right now, if felt like she was serving a life sentence.

The deadbolt on the door clicked in a sickeningly familiar way, making Sage tense up and grip her pen tightly. She had been sitting at her desk writing lyrics for the last several hours; having nothing else to do with her time, but she wouldn't actually sing or make any noise if she could help it. She missed her piano. She missed the guitar. She missed Kendall.

"What are you doing?" Elliot asked in a friendly tone as he shut and locked the door behind him. He sauntered across the room and sat on the edge of her bed nonchalantly, like his curious behavior was normal. Sage didn't have to look at him to know he was wearing a calm smile.

"Writing," she answered quickly and shortly, keeping everything as vague possible. She may have had no control over her body anymore, but Sage was happy to be able to choose her words, and she always decided to keep her conversations with Elliot to a minimum. Sometimes it worked out, and sometimes it didn't.

"What are you writing?" Elliot inquired further, still sounding amused at her frigidness towards him. He clasped his hands together and rested them over his legs as he leaned forward on the bed with his stepdaughter's back turned to him.

"Words."

"How poetic," he chuckled darkly at her stiff posture and monotone responses.

Elliot climbed off of the bed and shortened the distance between them, stopping just behind Sage with his cold hand on her shoulder. She jumped slightly, but recovered quickly by adjusting the way she sat in her seat. No matter how many times he had been on top of her, Elliot always made her nervous. It was as if, for a split second, she believed she could run from him, but then the feeling was gone and replaced by one of submission out of pure fear.

"Are you hungry?"

"No."

The real answer was that she was always hungry. Elliot only fed her once a day when he stopped home from work or entered her room for other activities. He did it on purpose; feeding her just enough to keep her standing, but little enough so that she remained weak. It made her responses slower, and she put up less of a fight. Sage was pretty sure that she'd feel just as helpless even if she ate three times a day. Elliot transformed her into nothing.

"You should eat something," he insisted with a squeeze to the back of her neck, feeling her cold, pale skin tingle beneath his palm.

"Okay," she gave in easily, going along with everything he said. There was really no choice.

"Why are you doing that? Can't you just talk to me?" Elliot whined softly, sighing as he shuffled over to stand beside her and forced her to look up at him.

He was acting as if she was being rude to him; as if she was hurting his feelings. The thought would have normally made Sage want to laugh, but she knew how serious he was. She knew that the feelings Elliot had for her and the illusions he held about their relationship were the real deal. He was insane, and she was stuck with him.

"What do you want me to say?"

"Just tell me what you're thinking," Elliot offered cheerfully, leaning the back of his thighs against her desk and crossing his arms over his chest as he stared down at her for the answer. He seemed genuinely interested in what Sage had to say, and he desperately wanted them to engage like a normal couple would.

"Trust me, you don't want to know what I'm thinking," Sage insisted firmly, looking up at his brown eyes in a display of defiance, like she knew he was practically reading her mind at that moment. Elliot's jaw grinded as his teeth clenched. His friendly smile settled into a threatening smirk.

"Try me."

Sage swallowed hard, silently cursing herself for walking right into the trap. She was still learning Elliot's tricks and attitudes, but, even after she was sure that she had it down to a science, he always outwitted her. He had all the power, and now she was forced to follow his lead. It didn't matter much, though. The outcome was always painfully the same when he stepped foot into her room for long periods of time.

Her eyes darted to the bed at the thought of their days and nights together. Sage avoided that piece of furniture at all costs. It was the place of her rape and torment. It wasn't where she could sleep, not that she actually found much rest anyway. The nightmares that plagued her only served to repeat the actual tortures of her waking hours. If she wanted to lie down, she preferred the bathtub or even a space on the floor. She wouldn't even touch the sheets or pillows. They were all tainted by Elliot, and just being near the fabric made her skin crawl and her thoughts turn dark. No matter how hard she tried, Sage had memorized every sickening second of the time Elliot spent touching her.

"I hate being here. I don't like you, and I never will," Sage stated it simply, like she was talking to a child, because Elliot never seemed to hear her when she cried and begged for mercy or freedom.

"Shut up…" Elliot snarled a warning, obviously not enjoying her answer, and stepped closer to her so that their legs were touching.

Sage should have bit her tongue the second that he grabbed her wrist, but she was tired of being quiet. She'd pay for it later, but it felt good to watch Elliot squirm for a change. She knew her permanent hatred towards him was his biggest fear. Elliot had made it clear that he wanted the love Kendall had unknowingly stolen from him.

"You won't hurt me," Sage announced smugly, crying and yelling on the inside at the way he was glaring at her hungrily and tightening his grasp on her. "You love me, right?" she smirked, and used his feelings against him, and that was the last straw for her stepfather.

Elliot growled and struck her hard across her face before grabbing her by the hair and lifting her small body off of the chair she was seated in. He threw her onto the bed like a ragdoll, not requiring much strength to move her. He laughed as her tears fell and her tough exterior cracked easily. As she bit her bleeding lip, Elliot climbed on top of her so that his hard body straddled her shaking one on the mattress she hated so much. The beatings had never stopped. He just added rape to the torturous mix. He preferred using his whole body to own her. His hands were wrapped securely around her throat, adding pressure as he spoke with an arrogant grin.

"You know I love you, but I hope you also remember what I can do. I won't kill you, but I'll make you beg me to."

He continued to laugh as she wiggled beneath him, his hands grabbing at her clothing to remove it. Their argument was like foreplay to him. Elliot loved asserting his power almost as much as he loved watching Sage submit to it. She cried silently and went limp right after he took the familiar blade out of his pocket and drew it across her thin abdomen just hard enough to leave a scratch. This one wouldn't scar, but she had a few others that did. The blade always did its job. It either kept her still from the start, or it dug into her skin when she thrashed around to remind her of her dangerous position. Her body was permanently marked with evidence of her time with Elliot, which seemed like it was never going to end, but there was nothing Sage could do about it other than survive.

She just had to wait.

* * *

**A/N: What do you think? I don't have much to say other than: stay tuned ;D  
**

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :)**


	22. Big Time Senior Year

**A/N: This chapter came out even longer than I thought it would be, and I'm really happy with it :D **

**and THANK YOU **_harvestmoonrox_** for the name of a character in this chapter that is associated with Carlos (you'll see who it is :)  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**Suggestions: ****Look at **_Surfergal23_**'s lovely story Hooked.  
**

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 22: BIG TIME SENIOR YEAR_

* * *

It was finally September. The school year was starting, and the boys were officially seniors. It was their last year of freedom before college, and Kendall couldn't wait for it to start. The sooner it began, the sooner it would come to an end, where, hopefully, Sage would be. May seemed too far away, but he actually felt like it was emotionally possible with his friends by his side.

Kendall moved through his bedroom quickly, finding walking around much easier ever since it had been cleaned. After his breakdown in June, it had been a disaster area; with shards of the broken mirror and clothing littering the floor next to other various items he had tossed around in a fit of rage. His friends had helped him straighten the place up and make it feel more like home. All of the mementos of his time in North Dakota were taken out of their box and placed throughout the room. The sheet music and song lyrics were tucked away securely in the drawers of his desk, where he wouldn't have to look at them unless he wanted to, and the pictures were framed. The Knights had done it as a family with Logan, James, and Carlos only hours after the tornado warning weeks before, everyone's spirits running high since the tension between Katie, Karen, and Kendall was resolved. All of the best pictures were in a large frame above Kendall's bed, and others were scattered in areas around the house with the rest of the family photos.

After throwing a green t-shirt over his head, Kendall brushed his hair messily with his fingers and slipped into his matching sneakers. Smiling at himself in a newly purchased mirror that hung on the wall, he actually felt energized and positive about starting his day. However, he never got much sleep, but he was becoming used to the lack of rest. With practice, his body felt normal with only four or five hours of slumber a night. The nightmares were too much to keep him unconscious for long, and, even as they managed to fade and become less consistent, he still never felt calm when he stayed in his room at night. Kendall only felt completely peaceful when the sun rose and he knew he could see James, Carlos, and Logan soon.

Kendall had to do one more thing before he could join his family for breakfast and begin his first day of school. It was how he started all of his days. He paced over to his nightstand and slipped his cell phone into his back pocket, and then two, more important, items into his other pocket.

Every morning, after getting dressed, Kendall took Sage's necklace from his bedpost and wrapped it in a copy of his favorite picture. It's a beautiful image of the couple together, taken well before Karen even knew about Sage staying in her son's bedroom. They hadn't even made love for the first time, but all of the emotion they have for each other is there. It's in their faces as Kendall wraps his arms around his girlfriend from behind while they both smile, and he shows her a few chords on his guitar. Katie had snapped the photo when they weren't even looking, both teens being completely caught up in each other's presence. It was a perfect and innocent moment between the two lovers before everything blew up in their faces.

Now, it's just a memory that Kendall hopes he'll relive one day. As time goes on, he becomes more certain of their reunion. It's inevitable, and it's going to take time and effort, but he's willing to do whatever it takes.

Kendall took the photo and necklace and fit them snugly into his pocket with a fond smile at all the thoughts they brought when he felt them like a weight in his jeans. It anchors him down, but it's not in a way he thought it would. He was sure it would have been a negative feeling, but remembering Sage and keeping her with him helps in the best way possible. It keeps his body and hope alive, and, when he gets home at the end of the day, he will return the picture to the top drawer of his nightstand and the necklace back on the bedpost after a simple kiss is pressed onto the silver jewelry. It's a ritual; something that is deeply rooted in his veins and makes starting his morning and ending his evening just a little bit better. Every time he performed the ceremony, he realized that he was one more day closer to Sage's eighteenth birthday, which was one more day closer to their reunion, even if the details were still ambiguous to them all.

After grabbing his relatively empty backpack and car keys from their spot by his door, Kendall scanned his room one more time with a content sigh and patted the pocket of his jeans once for reassurance. He strolled downstairs, where Karen and Katie were chatting over breakfast with bright smiles on their faces. It was a beautiful morning, and Kendall was grateful that he could see that and accept that he was allowed to appreciate it with his family. His little sister, his mother, and his brothers meant everything to him right now.

"Good morning," he declared cheerfully and threw himself into the stool beside Katie, who glared halfheartedly when his body jostled her enough to threaten the cleanliness of her shirt as the glass of orange juice in her hand swayed dangerously. His bag slid to the ground unceremoniously, and he tossed his keys onto the counter in front of him.

"You're in an overly peppy mood for…" Katie trailed off, glancing at the clock on the microwave for a moment, "… 6:45AM…. It's kinda creepy," she insisted with a grin, secretly thrilled that her brother's mood had shifted so drastically after he became determined to stop shutting his family out.

"Would you rather have me moping again? 'Cause I might be able to whip up a pout after I finish my toast," Kendall played along with his little sister's attitude, both of them falling easily into their usual banter.

He smiled in thanks at his mother as she appeared in front of him with a warm plate of food and a mug of coffee, knowing he had gotten into the habit of drinking it in the morning because of his new, restless sleeping patterns. They were all grateful that it was his only lingering side effect of his brutal depression and sudden separation from Sage. If two or three hours of lost sleep were the worst of his problems, Kendall counted himself lucky.

"Don't even think about it, please," Karen begged with a light tone, but her shifting eyes betrayed her playful smile as they caught Kendall's in a meaningful stare. He nodded subtly at her, making her relax instantly with his reassuring features.

His mother had been worried, even after the tornado warning, but he worked hard to constantly prove his changing attitude and keep his vow of being better. Kendall meant every word he said in the basement, and he never broke a promise. He knew it was better for the whole family when they were relying on each other. That's what they were there for.

"So, what are everyone's plans for the day? I know Katie's gotta dominate a whole new school, but what are you up to, Mom?" Kendall asked conversationally, taking a genuine interest in his mother's happiness.

Karen had been working at her new job as a personal secretary for an advertising agency located several miles outside of town for a few months now, but her son had only recently remembered to ask. He felt guilty about every day he lost with his mother and sister after the move to Minnesota, and he had every intention of making it up to them by staying determined to remain upbeat; by acting the way he used to be and being the person he was before he was blindsided by Elliot.

"Nothing much. My boss is taking on a few new clients, so business is booming. When the boss is in a good mood, I'm in a good mood," Karen smiled appreciatively at his question and kissed the top of his head as she rounded the counter to throw away an empty egg carton. "Me and a few of the girls in our office building are planning on getting together this weekend for lunch. Do you think you could watch Katie on Saturday?"

"No problem," Kendall agreed quickly, chuckling as his sister groaned beside him.

"You do realize that I'm more responsible than Kendork and all of his friends combined, right?" Katie whined, ripping a piece of bacon into little bits on her plate with a dramatic scowl.

Kendall just rolled his eyes at the little girl's jab and sipped his coffee carefully, the steam coming off the surface in waves. He bit his bottom lip when the bitter taste hit his tongue and stared curiously at the counter in front of him, his expression becoming delighted once he spotted the sugar and coffee creamer. He poured copious amounts of each into the mug and swirled the contents together until the liquid turned a milky brown as he let his mother respond to Katie.

"I know that, Sweetie, but you're also only eleven. You can't stay home by yourself until you're a teenager," Karen reminded her in a stern, yet cheery voice, knowing that they've had this conversation many times before.

"Whatever," Katie relented and ate a bite of eggs as she turned to her brother, "Are you nervous for today, Mr. Mature?" she questioned sarcastically, but still fishing for a honest answer, while she put her fork down to turn her full focus onto Kendall, who suddenly felt all eyes on him. Even Karen had stopped where she stood in front of the sink, eating an apple slowly with a curious expression.

They had never asked before, but they all knew high school would be different for Kendall after everything he had been through in the last year. His experiences always varied, due to them moving so much, but this time was unlike all the others. He didn't have Sage, but he did have his best friends back.

"Yeah, I guess I'm a little edgy, but it's just another school, right? Everything should be fine because I've got the guys with me. It's just gonna be really weird not seeing Sage between all of my classes…" Kendall admitted softly, biting at a piece of toast before abandoning his half-eaten food all together. "I still wish she could be here. I want her to be able to walk down the halls with me and have no one give her nasty looks. Nobody here would know anything about her. She could just be new like me. I'm used to us being a team… but it doesn't matter. I'm sure she's okay wherever she is. An Elliot-free life is better than the alternative." Kendall planted his full smile back on.

Honesty with Katie and Karen was the hardest part of his new attitude. Sometimes, it was just easier to be miserable alone, but the outcome wasn't good for any of the people he loved, and, with practice, talking about Sage in everyday conversation was getting more comfortable to do. In times like these though, he couldn't help but feel her absence weigh heavily on his heart. Kendall was surrounded by his mother and sister and ready to go see his brothers in only a few minutes, but all he wanted was to complete the picture. Sage's presence was missing from the empty seat beside him. Her voice was missing from their morning conversation. Her hand was missing from his open and waiting palm on the countertop.

"Shouldn't I be asking you the same question? Middle school is a big deal," Kendall shifted the attention onto the brunette beside him with a softer smile, silently congratulating himself for staying present and focused on the people in front of him. It did no one any good when he slipped into his own dark thoughts.

"I'm pretty excited, actually. I made a lot of new friends at summer camp, so I won't be alone there. That's already a huge difference from all of our other schools," Katie shrugged nonchalantly as she slid out of her seat and rinsed her plate off in the sink. She gave it to Karen, who took it with her free hand and placed it into the dishwasher, her apple still in her grasp.

Kendall couldn't help but feel relaxed at his sister's declaration and positive point of view. It made him realize that, despite their troubles and turbulent life, the Knight family belonged in Sherwood, Minnesota. It's where they started and where they returned to in the end. Karen was making friends at her job and pleased with her work, and Katie was opening up to people her own age, which was uncommon before. With all of their moving around, the Knight siblings never attempted to make and keep friends, but Sage changed them, and Minnesota was different. This time, the move was permanent. Sherwood was home.

"If anyone gives you any problems, just text me," Kendall instructed her firmly, his eyes letting her know he wasn't messing around.

He remembered all too well how terrible middle school could be, especially if you were the new kid. Plus, there would be teenagers around her now that the oldest students would be in eighth grade. The place could be like a war zone, with raging hormones and ugly words as deadly weapons.

"You know what? Text me during lunch even if you're having the greatest day of your entire, little life," Kendall added quickly, too many worries running through his mind as he finished his coffee and scraped the rest of his food into the garbage.

"This whole over-protective-big-brother vibe is going to get real old real fast. What are you gonna do when I start dating?" Katie wondered, crossing her arms over her chest with a smirk as she raised an eyebrow at her brother, who came to stand beside her after putting his plate and cup in the dishwasher. Karen watched her children's exchange in amusement, choosing to stay quiet as Kendall took the role of father figure for the little girl.

"Oh, you know, the usual: break his legs," Kendall smiled smugly, reaching over to ruffle her hair. Katie giggled, sounding innocent and young, as she dodged her brother's hand and ran for the counter.

"No dating until you're fifteen," Karen added once the pair settled down, making sure her daughter looked her in the eyes long enough to know she meant it.

"Fine," Katie laughed like she thought the idea of dating any sooner was absurd and hopped back up onto the stool she had sat at before. This time, she brought a few notebooks over with her and looked over the stack, seeming to be taking inventory as she thought about what she'd need for the first day of school.

"And no dating guys like James…**_ever_**…" Kendall insisted eagerly, adding an important amendment to his mother's rules with a nervous grin.

"Not a problem," the young brunette declared with a roll of her eyes.

James may be one of his best friends, but Kendall had seen enough of his behavior to know that he was nowhere near boyfriend material for anyone, especially nice girls like his sister. Just the thought of a teenaged, innocent Katie falling for someone that was only interested in getting into her pants made Kendall want to punch something. He silently thanked the heavens that she was still a few years away from worrying about boys.

"Well, now that that's settled, I have to go be a senior," Kendall declared dramatically, pointing his finger into the air as he skipped over to swipe his bag off of the floor and gather his keys into his hand.

"Be good," Karen walked over to kiss his cheek and give him a quick hug.

"I'm always good…Well, I'm **_mostly_** always good," Kendall claimed after a little bit of thought about his actions in the earlier weeks of the summer.

"Let's try to make it a permanent thing," his mother chuckled lightly and rubbed his shoulder before turning to pour a cup of coffee and sit next to Katie. The two of them didn't have to leave for a little while longer.

"I'll do my best. Love you!" Kendall yelled and waved behind him as he moved through the foyer and out the front door.

It was a fast drive to Carlos' house, where he was picking up him and Logan. The pair was standing together at the end of the driveway, talking and laughing easily as Kendall stopped beside them. It may have been a "school night", but that didn't stop Logan from sleeping at the Garcia's home. When Laura Mitchell was out of town on business, which was way too often and for extended periods of time, the brunette preferred to not stay at his house alone.

With descriptions from James and Carlos, and from the boy himself, Kendall learned pretty quickly that Logan hated being home in his large, silent house without any family around. He has more options now, and he's spent a few nights with Kendall over the course of the summer, but he had grown use to only choosing between James and Carlos. Christopher Diamond was never exactly Logan's favorite person, and James only acted more obnoxiously ignorant when his father was around to encourage bad behavior. When Logan was there, he felt like all of his warning words fell on deaf ears. It was like there were two teenagers instead of one. Once he grew up, and he couldn't be with the Knights after they moved away, the Garcia's were always Logan's best option.

Adriana and Eduardo Garcia were consistently honest. Their smiles and words were genuine, and they were admirable parents. When they asked questions, they really cared about the answers Logan gave them, which was something he didn't get at his own home. He wasn't just an obligation to them. He was Carlos' best friend; one of his brothers. He mattered.

"Bye, Dad!" Carlos shouted with a smile, waving to his father, who stood in the front door of their home. The two of them had easily patched things up after the tornado warning weeks before, with Kendall insisting Carlos hurry home to smooth things over. The boy's anger had dissolved rapidly, knowing that his frustration wasn't really with his father. Eduardo still didn't know or understand the truth, but Carlos wasn't going to fault him for it.

Kendall laughed when he heard an undignified shriek filter through his open windows. Carlos shoved Logan aside right before he could put his hand on the passenger door, causing the brunette to tumble backwards and hit his butt on the pavement.

"Shotgun!" Carlos declared happily, slipping into the seat beside Kendall with a carefree smile.

"And now I'm in pain. The school year has officially begun," Logan murmured with a glare in Carlos' direction as he climbed into the back after dusting himself off. He was all too aware of the short boy's rash behavior, but at least he always meant well. "I texted James to make sure he was on schedule. He tends to run on his own time when everyone else is waiting for him," Logan commented nonchalantly from the backseat, sliding over to rest behind Kendall and buckle up.

"So, does that mean I should slow down and stop for bagels?" Kendall grinned into the rearview mirror and eased up on the gas pedal as they moved slowly away from the Garcia's house. They were quickly approaching James' condo.

"No, surprisingly he said that he was up and waiting. I think he's actually excited for school," Logan chuckled and shook his head in disbelief.

"I don't think it has anything to do with class," Carlos giggled in excitement as they pulled up to the Diamonds' building.

James loved everything that came with being a senior, or, at least, he enjoyed all of the perks he imagined he would have. He dreamed of the status and power that came with being on top of the high school hierarchy. Social status meant the world to James. He worked hard to build a reputation, and now he was determined to enjoy it for his final year as a student. He had made a name for himself in Sherwood, but he'd be leaving once they graduated. James had big Hollywood dreams, and he was going to do whatever it took to make it, but, once he was in California, he'd be at the bottom of the social ladder again.

"Does **_she_** go to our school?"

Kendall put the car into park and sat dumbfounded as the trio watched James walk out the main door of his condo with a blonde girl on his arm. She was obviously enhanced physically with plastic surgery and hair extensions. Her makeup was heavy and smudged, and her clothes were slightly askew as James kissed her cheek and smiled while she walked away.

"I'm pretty sure I'd remember her if she was in our class," Carlos whispered in awe, sticking his head out of the window a few inches to watch the girl strut down the street until she disappeared from view. Logan mumbled something that sounded like an insult, and Kendall laughed at the boys' reactions.

"Who's the girl?" he asked, turning in his seat to see James climb into the back beside Logan.

"Just someone I met at a party last night, which you all so rudely declined my invitation to," James declared snippily, humor lacing his attempted serious tone as he threw his backpack between his feet and lightly punched Carlos in the shoulder. The Latino was usually his partner in crime, but he had been forced to fly solo the night before when Carlos insisted he actually get some sleep before school.

"I love how you think partying on a Sunday night is normal behavior," Kendall replied wittily, looking into his mirrors as he pulled onto the street and started the drive to school.

"It may not be normal, but it's pretty awesome," James insisted with a bright smile, fastening his seatbelt and slouching down to get comfortable while he let the morning sun warm his tan skin. "Oh, and Candy works at the local bar and said she wouldn't card us if we went," he declared happily, seeming excited at the prospect of easy alcohol. He didn't really pay attention to the fact that the other boys didn't drink much, especially after Kendall's incident a few months earlier.

"How generous," Logan responded sarcastically, shooting a disapproving look in James' direction, which was either not noticed or completely ignored.

"Her name was **_not _**Candy," Carlos giggled, pivoting in his seat to get a better look at his friend. He couldn't believe that anyone sane would give their daughter a name like that.

"Okay, so maybe I can't remember her actual name, but that's not important. I'm sure it ended in a 'Y' or an 'I'. It's not like we played twenty questions. Getting to know her wasn't really the goal, if you know what I mean…" James smiled smugly, winking at the boy in the front seat, who gave him a thumbs-up. Logan scoffed from beside him.

Before Kendall could make a comment on his promiscuous habits, the radio silenced him. "Lullaby" by Chase Coy was playing softly through the speakers. He hadn't even been paying attention to the sounds, but, as soon as the song started, his heart hammered in his chest and his mind drifted to Sage. That was the last song he heard with her.

Kendall reached over and frantically turned the knobs on the radio, causing static to fill the air, then a heavy metal song, then a commercial for a fast food restaurant, before he finally hit the power button and silenced the car altogether. The boys stared at him and each other curiously. Carlos was the first one to work up the courage to speak.

"You got something against the stereo, Kendall?" he questioned, nervously smiling as he leaned against the door on his side of the car. His eyes darted to James and Logan, who both had the same expression of wonder.

"No, it's just, uh… That song has a lot of memories attached to it," Kendall replied tensely, keeping his tone as light as possible while he watched the road in front of him. He didn't have to look at the guys to know that they weren't going to drop the subject.

"What kind of memories?" James inquired curiously, leaning forward to close the distance between him and Kendall with his hands on the back of Carlos' seat.

Kendall sighed heavily, flicking his blinker on distractedly as he gathered his thoughts and turned onto the street that would bring them another block closer to the high school. Bringing up Sage was usually depressing when it was about them saying goodbye, but he actually found himself smiling when he thought about their time together on that final night. The boys always relaxed him enough to discuss anything, no matter how difficult it was to handle. Right now, Kendall felt cheerful when he spoke.

"On the night I left North Dakota, this song was playing while Sage and I had sex in the backseat… twice," he could feel himself blush lightly, but Kendall kept smiling as the car slowed down and he approached a stop sign.

"Nice!" James and Carlos approved giddily.

"Gross!" Logan jumped out of his seat, slipping out of his seatbelt as he struggled to hover above the upholstery. He started to crawl into James' lap as his friend chuckled and didn't put much effort into pushing him away. He was too busy waving his hands in front of his face to make sure Logan didn't ruin his hair with his flailing limbs. Carlos laughed happily at the scene, loving it when the smart boy lost his composure.

"Hey, stay buckled while I'm driving!" Kendall scolded Logan, but he was laughing as he watched the boys in the reviewer mirror, keeping his foot on the brake and the car stopped at the intersection. Logan failed in staying off of the seat fully, and James finally managed to shove him away with his foot so that he was back on his own side of the car.

"Stop having sex in the backseat!" Logan replied irritably, his voice increasing an octave as he huffed out a harsh breath and gave up his quest to get away. He settled back down and fastened his seatbelt with a few incoherent words passing his lips.

"I can already tell that this is gonna be an interesting day," Kendall snickered while he pulled into the high school parking lot and searched for an open spot. He was absolutely positive that life would never be dull with these three by his side.

* * *

The school seemed like all of the others Kendall had been to, but his emotions and experiences were different enough to affect how he saw everything. He felt awkward right from the start. Sherwood High was normal; with normal students and normal teachers. That's never how it seemed in Ramsey, where he was the "freak's boyfriend". He wasn't just another face in the crowd. It wasn't even like this before he had met Sage. In freshman and sophomore year, he was still always the new kid, but, now, he was technically the old kid.

Everyone in town knew each other from childhood, which Kendall had been a huge part of. The class has always been the same, with additions here and there, but, as he moved through the brightly lit hallways, all of the students are strangers to him. He didn't know any of their aged faces, but the names were familiar; having remembered a lot about certain students from when they were in elementary school together. He thought it was crazy how he couldn't recognize anyone else from their looks alone, but he had immediately identified Carlos, Logan, and James the first time he had seen them after seven years. If anything, it was another piece of strong evidence that they were always meant to be best friends and brothers.

It's what made Kendall comfortable as he moved through the halls. Even when he was walking by himself, he wasn't really alone.

He and James had just gotten out of their U.S. History II class, and were now at their lockers. Kendall was fiddling with the padlock on his, fumbling to put in the combination that he had received in homeroom an hour before. He smiled at his own success when the lock clicked open, and he tossed his History textbook inside the empty space. James chatted up a random brunette girl with a sweet laugh while Kendall slipped photographs into the metal grooves on his locker. They were of everyone important in his life: Sage, Katie, Karen, James, Carlos, and Logan.

He seemed to know exactly how to place each one so that they were all visible in the small surface area of his locker door, having had a lot of practice with pictures and memories over the summer. It was all he focused on. During the months before school, he lived in a bubble with his family and friends. It was a time for him to heal, but, now, it was time for him to resume his life and obligations. No matter how much he felt like it had, the world didn't stop spinning, and getting through the days without Sage in school would be just a little bit easier with a nice view of her in between each of his classes.

"So, would you want to go see a movie this weekend?" the pretty girl asked James with a hopeful smile.

Kendall watched the pair with interest. James leaned towards the brunette girl with his posture relaxed and his right shoulder resting against his closed locker door. His facial expression was soft and gentle as he looked at the girl in front of him, who was clutching her books tightly against her chest. He wasn't putting on an arrogant act or touching her arm to make her think he was interested in sex, which he had explained to Kendall was the way to court a prospective hookup, but he looked interested in an entirely different way. James appeared as though he enjoyed talking to her with a normal, average expression of undivided attention.

"I'm sorry. I can't. My schedule is really packed, but I'll let you know if anything changes, okay?" James let her down easy, shifting towards her slightly at the end of his sentence and staring right into her eyes so that she didn't feel blown off.

"A-Alright, I'll see you around," her voice grew soft and delicate with her eyes darting to the floor as she bit her lip, before she planted a bright smile on her face and waved at him.

James nodded with a small grin, watching her walk away until she disappeared into the crowd of students. He then started to hum a random tune with a content expression as he twirled the dial on his locker and swung the door open. He placed his textbook onto the top shelf and checked his hair in a mirror on the inside. The reflective glass almost covered the entire area of his door, the appearance-conscious boy having selected the biggest one that would fit in the small space.

"Why did you do that?" Kendall asked with an amused smirk, raising an eyebrow as James stopped looking in the mirror and started to take various Cuda-brand hair care and hygiene products out of his backpack and storing them in the larger part of his locker.

"My hair is important to me," James replied with a dumbfounded look, thinking it was obvious to Kendall.

"No, not that!" Kendall rolled his eyes and gestured to the boy's shiny mirror. "I'm talking about **_that_**," his hand lifted in the direction the girl had gone. "Why did you turn her down? You've gone out with a lot of other people that had a lot less to offer. She seemed nice," Kendall frowned, titling his head as he thought back to the pair's interactions. James had appeared interested in her, but then he just rejected her without batting a lash.

"That's why I can't go out with her. She's a nice girl. I like nice girls, and I don't date people that I actually like," James explained matter-of-factly, toying with a few of the items in his locker so that the cans and bottles were aligned perfectly.

"That's completely illogical," Kendall declared in shock, shaking his head as he rested his bag in the bottom of his open locker to check that he had a notebook and pen for his next class.

"You sound like Logan," James chuckled, looking over to his friend with a smirk.

"Maybe you should listen to him more," Kendall commented thoughtfully, but James didn't seem to take him seriously. The brunette rolled his eyes and went back to organizing his supplies, which didn't contain anything that looked like it would be useful in a school setting. Kendall pondered the boy for a moment and then asked what he had been wondering for weeks. "Have you ever tried having a real relationship with a girl?"

In all of the years he had known James, even in childhood, the boy spent all of his time flirting with females or hanging out with his friends. He only put genuine emotional effort in with Logan, Carlos, and Kendall. All of the rest of the people that entered his life were there for fun. He treated them like they were expendable, because he just expected them to leave. The only connections he thought would last were the ones with his brothers, and he was right about the boys, but he wouldn't even give love a chance. He kept his exchanges with girls short and entertaining.

"No, why would I?" James chuckled, seeming as if he thought Kendall was trying to be funny.

"Because it's great. Being in love can make you feel whole," the blonde admitted firmly, fully believing in the power of finding the person that was made just for you.

"Yeah, because it worked out **_so_** well for you," James retorted bitterly, giving Kendall a look that clearly showed his disapproval and turning to check his supplies one last time.

"It did," Kendall insisted, his voice getting higher as he tried to move enough in front of the brunette so that he could have his full attention, but James only gazed at him occasionally. "I'm completely happy with Sage. It's not like we're broken up. We're just separated," Kendall explained with a shrug, his tone softening into one of slight sadness, but he kept a thread of optimism.

"How do you know that she's not screwing her hot foster brother or something?" James speculated with a haughty smile, throwing his bag over his shoulder.

It was just like James to make the jump from talking about relationships and love to focusing on sex. There was no separation for the pretty boy. Love and romance beyond getting laid didn't exist for him, and he rejected any chance at it. Kendall's reappearance forced him to look at girls from a different perspective, but even now he crosses boundaries.

"You know, if you were anyone else, you'd be on the floor bleeding right now…" Kendall sighed, resigned to the fact that he wouldn't get anywhere with the conversation. He couldn't ignore the twinge of anger that pulled at his heart when James made such an offensive comment about his girlfriend. He forcefully shut his locker door to vent his frustration, knowing that taking it out on his ignorant brother would not be appropriate.

"I'll try to remember that," James declared nervously, jumping a few inches away when the locker slammed, but he relaxed when Kendall still kept his calm composure.

"Wait, do you mean that you'll remember so you can do better next time, or you'll remember that you can get away with it?" he wondered, trying to read James' constantly shifting personality. One moment he was sweet and loving, and the next moment he was an egotistical jerk, but, either way, the boys loved him.

"I don't really know," he answered uncertainly, seeming to actually be thinking about the question.

No one besides Logan had ever called him out on his inappropriate banter, and he had learned to ignore him a long time ago. He really had no clue what he meant, and he wasn't really sure how he was supposed to feel. He knew that his remark about Sage was insensitive, but he still couldn't stop himself from saying it. James had gone through life getting away with everything. He was spoiled and unstructured in his father's lazy presence, and ended up moving through life with very little guidance. James thought he had everything figured out, but Kendall's return had him questioning everything and realizing that he didn't really know anything at all.

"Can we just drop this now? We've got a few more minutes before the next class. Come with me to the choir room. I gotta pick up some sheet music," James' tone shifted from confusing to chipper in record time as he shut his locker and started to walk away quickly, expecting Kendall to follow.

"Fine. I'll just pretend that we never had this conversation, because you're getting all defensive," Kendall rushed to catch up to him with a knowing smile as they moved closer to their destination.

"I am not defensive!" James cried out loudly, sounding like the definition of the term, with his brow creasing in frustration.

"Okay…" Kendall grinned smugly, knowing he had hit a soft spot when he discussed love.

"I think I preferred you when you refused to talk this much," James joked lightly, swinging open the door to the empty choir room and ushering Kendall inside.

One of the first things Kendall learned about James, once they were reacquainted, was that he became rude and insensitive when he felt cornered or uncomfortable because of his views, which he knows aren't the ones that the majority holds. However, the boy's most admirable traits were his confidence and passion, even if they don't always work out in his favor, because he has the same conviction and fervor when it comes to his loved ones. The boys will always be put before anyone else in his life.

Kendall rolled his eyes and dropped the conversation as he paced through the large room while James went over to the filing cabinets on the wall to search for what he needed to practice for the afternoon's class. Kendall smiled fondly when he saw the hefty, black piano in the corner. Before he even realized what he was doing, his fingers grazed the shiny surface and pressed a key, sending a clear note echoing throughout the room. Kendall's daze broke when the sound reached his ears, and he jumped and pulled his hand back like he had been burned.

"I still can't believe you won't play. I know you want to. I can see it in your eyes," James smiled genuinely, his usual arrogant smirk long forgotten after seeing his friend's face.

Kendall had told them about his musical hobbies. He had composed and sung songs with Sage for most of the time he had known her, but now he pretended like it never happened. He kept that piece of himself locked away.

"I do, I guess, but I just can't. It's a part of my past that I'd rather not keep right now. I even packed my guitar away in my closet. I don't even look at the thing, and I used to play it every day," Kendall laughed in disbelief, plopping down onto the piano bench with his back to the instrument. James sat down beside him but faced the keys. He played a short tune with one hand. It sounded like part of a classical piece Sage had played for Kendall once, and the noise had his eyes stinging before he blinked away the emotion.

"It's so unfair. I never even got to see you hold it, let alone play something. It's like I'm the only one who loves music around here. Singing is a talent, and you're just choosing to ignore it," James admitted sadly, seeming disappointed in Kendall. The talented boy may have had a great desire to be a superstar, but music was always what started it. It was a true passion of his. He loved singing and playing instruments. It was the only thing he considered himself good at besides flirting and courting girls.

"You wanna know something? I only started the guitar lessons after moving away from here so that I could remember you guys more. I actually tried to do well in school for Logan. I got into a bit of trouble trying to act like Carlos, and I picked up the guitar so I could feel connected to you," Kendall confessed with a grin, slouching forward and tilting his head to the side to meet the James' eyes.

"Aw! That's terribly sweet, Kenny," he chastised him playfully, nudging their shoulders together in a silent thanks and confirmation of their strong friendship.

"Shut up…" the Kendall mumbled, shoving him right back with only a little force, causing James to laugh cheerfully.

Kendall preferred James like this; real and unfiltered. They were in a room together with no one around but the two of them, and he knew that it would be even better if Carlos and Logan were there too. James was different in their group. He thought it was his only safe place, the only time he could confess his fears and feelings without the chance of being judged. They had spent the entire summer together as a foursome, but, now that they were pairing off for classes, Kendall could see how much their personalities varied depending on the environment. James lived for his image and reputation, but that didn't matter as much when he was just with his friends.

"Sage played really well?" James inquired carefully, always being cautious when he brought Kendall's girlfriend into the conversation. He never knew what kind of reaction it would get. The boys still feared that Kendall would break apart if he thought about her too much, but he was getting stronger every day.

"She's amazing. Her mother was a piano teacher… Music is in her blood," Kendall bit the inside of his cheek, thinking about Sage's loss of her mother to suicide.

"So, how am I supposed to know if you're any good at playing or singing? You could be some American Idol reject," James joked with another nudge to Kendall's shoulder, having seen the boy's expression grow dark.

"I guess you'll never find out… Maybe when Sage is home, but not any sooner," Kendall insisted sternly, moving his head from side to side firmly.

"Why? If you love it so much, why can't you play with me or join choir?" James wondered, sounding as if he was begging Kendall to open up and do this with him. He would love to have someone to share his talent and passions with.

"Because it was something I got really into because of her. We were a team. Sometimes it seems like it would be a betrayal, but, to be honest, I'm scared of how it will make me feel. Right now, even the idea of playing without her is depressing," Kendall slouched down, leaning his elbows on his knees, but kept his eyes to the side to focus on James. The brunette was giving him a gentle look of concern and compassion. He pivoted on the piano bench, so that he could sit directly next to Kendall, and slung his arm around the sullen boy's shoulders.

"I'm gonna get you to sing for me one day… and I always get what I want," James declared gently, his tone betraying his attempted attitude of superiority. He sounded sure of himself, but also like he was hoping it would be true.

"Yeah, we'll see."

Kendall didn't believe James at all, but he did have to admit that he was good at getting his way. Maybe he would be able to pick up his guitar or play the piano and sing again sometime in the future, but it seemed like a distant possibility. However, anything could happen with the boys back in his life.

* * *

A little while later, Kendall found himself moving towards the art room at the other end of the school. He had been required to take a creative elective, and, since he had refused music, he was forced to enter an art class. The only good part was that he had it with Carlos, who was currently standing outside of the room talking to a girl with auburn hair and a peppy posture. She smiled and laughed, moving every time Carlos did, which was a lot because of his high energy, but she seemed to love every second of it. They were both speaking animatedly, but their words couldn't be heard.

Kendall smirked, hanging back in the hallway and leaning against the wall to watch his friend without interrupting. Carlos claimed to love girls just as much as James, but his entire approach to the situation was different. He was all about honesty. His smiles and intentions were real and innocent. He was talking to this girl because he appeared to have an actual interest in everything she said. He nodded his head and then waved cheerfully after she gave him a short hug. When the auburn-haired girl made her exit, Kendall strolled up to Carlos.

"Who was that?" he questioned slyly, leaning into the Latino's personal space with excitement.

"Roselynn Morris," Carlos answered dreamily, clutching his backpack in his hand tightly as it slid against the dirty floor when he spun to look at Kendall.

"You like her… Did you ask her out?" Kendall punched the boy's arm in celebration, thinking he already knew the answer.

"What? No, we're just friends. Rosie wouldn't like me like that anyway. She's her and I'm just me," Carlos shrugged in resolved disappointment, keeping his voice happy as he lifted his bag off of the floor and onto his shoulder.

Kendall couldn't help but notice the use of a nickname and the boy's frown, clear signs that Carlos wanted to be more than friends.

"You need to steal some of James' confidence, because he could certainly be knocked down a peg, and you gotta be boosted up a notch," Kendall commented with a sigh as they entered the empty art room well before the class was supposed to start.

"I have confidence!" Carlos insisted quickly, not seeming sure in the declaration. "But I'm also not stupid. Roselynn is a cheerleader," he added plainly, sitting down at a table in the center of the room. He made the statement like it explained everything.

"And you're a hockey star," Kendall maintained his firm stance, settling down into the chair beside his best friend.

"I'm not as good as you or the guys," Carlos insisted weakly, his voice tired as he threw his bag onto the table and started to shuffle through his belongings, which were even more random than James'. Carlos packed the weirdest things, including a lunch that only contained two cups of pudding and a bag of jelly beans.

"I haven't even officially joined the team yet, and you're still putting yourself behind me. Have more faith in yourself, Carlos," Kendall begged him, trying to keep the conversation light with a smile.

After his initial statement of giving up hockey, Kendall had changed his mind and decided to play with his friends, who had pleaded on their hands and knees for him to join. Hockey was something that was always theirs from an early age. It didn't start with Sage, so Kendall decided that he would be able to handle it without a problem.

"It's not as easy as you make it sound," Carlos rolled his eyes.

"Maybe not, but it is now my number one goal to get you a date with Roselynn," Kendall declared loudly, smacking his hand against the tabletop with a dull thud and a determined expression.

"I thought your number one goal was getting Sage back?" Carlos questioned with skepticism, eyeing his overly energetic friend cautiously, thinking that their roles were supposed to be reversed.

"It is, but this is just as important," Kendall's face softened as he wrapped one arm around his friend to pull him in for a quick, sideways hug.

He was being completely honest. Sage meant the world to him, but his best friends were a part of that world. They all needed each other just as much as he needed them, even if they weren't able to see it yet. Carlos always seemed so carefree when they were all together, but he lost his ability to be effortlessly happy when he was around girls that he liked. James had gotten him many dates, but it was different when Carlos had to do it on his own. He forgot how great he was.

"Thanks," the brunette murmured quietly, returning the hug easily with a new hope in his eyes.

"Nah…It's my job," Kendall shrugged off the gratitude with a wave of his hand as he looked around the room.

The four walls were crowded with art supplies and pieces by the students. Some were fantastic and professional looking, but others were what Kendall suspected would be his quality of work when he got started. He remembered Carlos' love of art when they were younger. The boy would draw everywhere he went, and recreate everything he saw on paper. He had a brilliant imagination, and his talent seemed to only have increased over the years. From where he sat, Kendall could get a decent view of the last page of Carlos' sketchbook, which he had pulled from his bag and flipped open on the table. He appeared to be checking how much paper he had left, but one of his drawings was visible.

It depicted a superhero of the boy's own creation standing on top of a tall building, looking over the city with a careful eye. The wind blew the man's cape, which was drawn with heavy, smooth lines. The composition was dark and full, creating an interesting scene.

"Wow, Carlos! You got really good!" Kendall declared happily, leaning to the side so that he could see the drawing better.

"Thanks!" this gratitude was easier for him to express. He was proud of his work and he showed it with a brilliant smile as he kicked his legs beneath the table with a cheerful energy.

"Can I see your sketchbook?" Kendall asked excitedly, already reaching for it.

"No, I don't think so," Carlos was suddenly nervous, pulling the book away from Kendall's hand.

"What? All of the sudden you're the shy artist? Give me that," Kendall complained and smirked as he snatched the book of drawings from Carlos' hand and stood up from the table.

"Kendall! You're gonna get upset!" he whined loudly, jumping up.

The blonde held the sketchbook high in the air, using his significant height to his advantage. Carlos tried to reach, but was unsuccessful in every attempt. He kept grumbling about something to do with being short and losing to James all the time, which only made Kendall laugh harder before he calmed down.

"Come on, I promise that I'll like them. You're a great artist," Kendall insisted gently, thinking the problem was with Carlos' self-confidence again. He kept the book closed and handed it back, letting the boy make his own decision.

"It's not that, but thank you again…" Carlos stammered a bit and blushed lightly, "… It's just that… There are probably some drawings in here that will make you sad," he admitted slowly, sitting back down in his seat and gesturing for Kendall to do the same.

"Why?" Kendall positioned himself next to Carlos, their shoulders touching as he leaned in to get a better view of the sketches in the book that rested in between them.

Carlos slipped his thumb beneath the cover, hesitating for a moment. He bit his bottom lip harshly and took a deep breath.

"There are drawings of Sage."

"I wanna see!" Kendall felt a whole new wave of excitement, giving Carlos a smile instead of the frown the boy had been sure would appear.

"You're sure? Because, if you start getting agitated, then Logan is gonna have my ass when I see him in chemistry and-"

"Carlos!" Kendall chuckled at the boy's face and his sudden inability to breathe. "Just show me, please…"

Carlos smiled apologetically for his rant and relaxed his posture. He took one more cautious glance at Kendall, who only encouraged him with a nod, and opened to the first sketch. It was similar to the drawing he had been working on a month and a half ago during breakfast, before Kendall's breakthrough. It was a large portrait of Sage and the boys all together. It looked perfect, and made him want to hug his friend.

"I love it," Kendall whispered as Carlos flipped the pages in the book. They were all filled with various drawings of the boys and Sage that he had been composing in the last few months.

"I'm glad," Carlos nodded happily, his eyes still watching Kendall's face for any signs of sadness, but there were none.

"Do you think I could have this one?" Kendall asked hopefully, turning back to the first page with the five of them huddled together. "If I can't have a photo of all of us together in my locker, then this is the next best thing… It might even be better…" he smiled fondly at the drawing and then up at Carlos, who was already agreeing and carefully tearing out the sketch.

It was times like these that had Kendall feeling better than ever. The boys cared about him, and they cared about Sage, and that made the wait to see her again a little more tolerable.

* * *

Kendall had seen the boys all throughout the rest of his day. They had lunch together, and then they all went to gym before the remainder of their afternoon. American Literature was his last class of the day, and he had it with Logan. As he climbed up the stairs and entered the hallway that lead to his class, Kendall stopped short when he saw Logan. Right before he could call out to him, another student stepped up to the brunette. With the large crowd, Kendall was out of sight, but he could hear their conversation.

"It's only the first day. What do you want, Reese?" Logan rolled his eyes, aggravated by the boy's presence, but he cowered back into the wall behind him as the redhead towered above him.

Kendall remembered the guy from their childhood as soon as he heard Logan say his first name. It was Reese Hudson. The boy was always causing trouble for everyone around him. He was a big talker, but was the first one to run home to his mom when he started a fight that he couldn't finish. He played peewee hockey with the boys, and, from the appearance of his build and jersey, he was still on the team with them now. Kendall didn't like the look Reese was giving his friend, but he waited for the boy to answer the question.

"Here's a present for you, Mitchell. I already got Algebra homework, and, since you're in Calculus, I figured this wouldn't be a problem for you to do. I want it done tomorrow before homeroom. Are we clear?" Reese smirked as he pressed a familiar packet into Logan's chest roughly, making the brunette reach up and grab it. Kendall had received the difficult assignment only minutes before in his own Algebra class, but he certainly wasn't going to pawn it off on his best friend and teammate. Logan blinked rapidly and swallowed harshly before nodding.

"Y-Yeah, I'll d-do it. No problem," Logan mumbled out of fear and gripped the paper in his hands tighter, looking as if he was silently praying that Reese would step out of his personal space. He was trapped against the wall.

"What's up, Logie?" Kendall planted on a confident smile and stepped up to the pair once he had enough of Reese. His friend jumped and then relaxed when he saw Kendall by his side. They shared a glance; the one that Kendall always used to convey that everything would be okay. He was there to stick up for his brother.

"K-Kendall, I, uh, heard you were back in town," Reese's arrogance suddenly disappeared in Kendall's presence. He kept a grin on his face, but he was staring down the redhead with a fierce fire in his eyes, which had the boy understandably frightened.

"And who are you?" Kendall wondered in a friendly tone, not meeting Logan's confused and nervous stare. He was pretty sure that Kendall knew what was going on.

"Reese Hudson. I was in peewee hockey with you when we were kids," Reese explained slowly, trying to get him to remember.

"Were you not that good? I don't really remember you at all," Kendall feigned puzzlement with a fake cordial tone to his voice.

Reese looked insulted and uncomfortable at the same time. He had just been intimidating Logan easily, as he had done for most of their time in high school, but he knew when he met his match in the blonde. Even as kids, no one wanted to mess with Kendall Knight.

"I-"

"Logan and I have to get to class now," Kendall declared cheerfully, throwing his arm around his silent friend as he interrupted Reese. Class really didn't start for another several minutes, but it didn't matter. "Don't forget your assignment," Kendall plucked it from Logan's grasp and shoved it into Reese's startled body with an eerie smile. "You might wanna get started on it right away. It looks a little tough for a student of your… mental capacity… to do **_by himself_**," he ended the conversation there, not waiting for any more responses as he guided Logan away from the dumfounded jock, who just scowled and stormed away.

Logan stayed quiet and let Kendall drag him down the hall to a bench in a small alcove by the water fountain. He expected to be yelled at for giving in to bullying, but Kendall smiled at him and started up a conversation with a playful attitude in his voice.

"Since we're discussing math, I need your help in a totally please-tutor-me sorta way, and not in the do-it-for-me-or-I'll-beat-the-shit-out-of-you sense," his eyes turned wide and he pouted playfully, looking at his intelligent friend for assistance.

"Thanks," Logan sighed with a grateful smile and folded one of his legs beneath him on the bench.

"Does your gratitude mean you'll help me?" Kendall laughed at the boy's look of astonishment and his lack of an actual answer.

"Oh, of course!" Logan rolled his eyes at himself for his behavior and shook his head to clear it. "I'm just a little surprised. I've always been doing Reese's assignments for him. Nothing has ever gotten him to leave me alone, and you just waltz up with that infuriating smirk of yours, and he runs off with his tail between his legs," he seemed amused at the idea and looked down the hall in the direction from where they came, almost as if he was hoping to see the pathetic look on Reese's face again.

"You've never told James and Carlos?" Kendall asked, getting angry at his other friends for not helping Logan, but knowing it wasn't their fault if he didn't ask for help.

"No, I didn't want to bother them," Logan shrugged helplessly, seeming fine with the idea of suffering for the sake of not inconveniencing his friends.

"Why not? They bother you…" Kendall teased playfully, "… and it still doesn't make much sense to me. How could you let someone like Reese Hudson walk all over you, yet you can always win an argument against James? He's a bigger douche than that guy if he really tries," he was confused as to how such a strong person like Logan could give in to intimidation so easily.

"It's just less painful for everyone if I do the homework for him. No one gets hurt, and it's not like I don't have the time or the ability," Logan answered quickly, like he had been thinking about it for years.

"That's not the point. You shouldn't have to do anything you don't wanna do. You're better than that," Kendall insisted sternly, scolding Logan for not thinking more highly of himself.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, but I'm still pretty much the scared kid you remember from elementary school. I'm just different with you guys. It's more comfortable for me when we're all together. I know you, and you know me," Logan explained weakly, seeming uncomfortable with the conversation, like he really didn't understand all of the reasons for his behavior.

"You should let other people know you too," Kendall declared softly, his posture slackening as he turned to look at his friend with a gentle smile.

It only took a couple months for Kendall to realize how different Logan could be depending on the situation. He fed off of the social setting he was in. He let everyone else subconsciously guide his actions and reactions. When they first reunited, Logan seemed like a strong leader; stronger than Kendall ever was. He kept their group together during the rough times, even after surviving through an abusive childhood with his father and a neglectful mother, who found herself out of town more often than not. However, once things settled down, Kendall could see that Logan needed him. He was always looking out for Carlos and James; being pulled between the pair's crazy antics, so Kendall's return was welcomed with open arms. The blonde always understood and took care of his friends.

Sometimes, after having all of the control, Logan just wanted to be a kid. He just wanted to be protected and loved. He may have been the most mature of them all, but Kendall could tell he was like a scared child on the inside. It made him want to embrace Logan every chance he got and tell him the words that he deserved to hear.

"Everything's gonna be okay," Kendall whispered with a smile, ruffling Logan's hair and wiping the frown that had been forming off of the brunette's face.

"Yeah, it will be now…" Logan agreed with a nod, enjoying his calm and protective presence. "So, you still have issues with math? It wasn't ever really your friend when we were kids," he smiled and knocked Kendall's ribs with his elbow, trying to shift the focus away from his own problems.

"I can pass by myself, but I want to do as well as I can… Sage helped me in Ramsey, and it feels like I'll be letting her down if I don't do everything I can to be better," Kendall admitted with a shrug, explaining himself easily and smiling at the memories of all of his evenings sitting at home with his girlfriend and studying. Even the most boring activities were important to them as long as they were together.

"Well, in that case, I'm determined to get you an 'A'…." Logan declared stubbornly, even though Kendall looked at him like he was crazy for the high hope.

"Let's just take it one test at a time. We can't ask for miracles," Kendall chuckled lightly. "Come on, class is starting soon," he stood up and waited for Logan to follow him as they started weaving between students in the hall to get to their classroom.

"Have you been okay today? You're doing alright?" Logan asked randomly, keeping his eyes on his shoes and then darting them nervously to Kendall on his left.

"I just saved **_your_** ass, and you're asking me if I'm okay? You're a weird one, Logie... Don't worry about me. If there's a problem, I'll tell you guys right away," Kendall nudged Logan's shoulder as they walked, reassuring his worried stance with a confident grin. "And you're gonna do the same, right?" he raised an eyebrow, hopeful that nothing like what had been happening with Reese would occur anymore now that he was there to watch over him, but he needed Logan to work with him.

The boy nodded easily and smiled back at his friend.

"Right."

* * *

After making it through a boring Literature class, Kendall and Logan walked back to his car, where they ran right into James and Carlos. The greeted each other happily and fell into easy conversation as a whole group. The day had been weird for Kendall. He could see how each of his friends differed when they were in a setting that separated them from the foursome; Logan reverted back to being dangerously submissive, Carlos lost his much deserved confidence, and James had trouble keeping his real and dramatized feelings in check, often becoming insensitive.

The entire first day of school was a learning experience for Kendall, and the main lesson had nothing to do with books and teachers and was something he had already figured out pretty quickly over his turbulent summer.

The four of them were better off when they were together. They were a team on and off of the ice, and their relationships defined and molded them into who they were meant to be. Kendall was going to make sure that, no matter what happened in their senior year of high school, they would remain a family. Now that he was back, it was going to be his job to keep them together. He leaned on them when he needed the support the most, and he was going to dedicate his life to returning the favor.

"Hey!" Carlos whined as Logan pushed him away from the car, just as he had done to him earlier in the morning. Normally, he wouldn't care where he sat, but this time was different for Logan

"You two can sit in the adult film set," he proclaimed sternly, gesturing James and Carlos towards the backseat and remembering Kendall's earlier shared memory, "I'm riding in the front."

James laughed and shoved a pouting Carlos into the car before taking his own seat. Kendall smirked at his friends and climbed into the driver's seat and started the car.

"Can we go get food?" Carlos asked randomly, playing with the buttons on his side of the backseat and raising and lowering the window at sporadic intervals as he held his stomach with his free hand.

"You ate like three times today," James laughed incredulously.

"I could eat," Logan shrugged and looked to Kendall for approval as he backed out of his parking space.

"Yes, Carlos, we can go get food, because I'm in a great mood. I'll even buy," Kendall smiled gleefully, catching the Latino's excited eyes in the rearview mirror.

"You just dug your own wallet's grave," Logan commented with a dramatically gloomy expression, teasing Kendall for the offer as Carlos cheered in the backseat.

"It's just school. What made you so happy?" James asked as he fixed his hair with his lucky comb and tipped toward the center of his seat to see in Kendall's mirror. Carlos leaned away so that the pretty boy had extra room, and Logan pressed his body into the passenger door. Neither one of them wanted to deal with James' wrath if he couldn't see his reflection before they got out of the car and stepped into public.

"Just you guys," Kendall replied effortlessly, smiling at all of his friends.

Logan, Carlos, and James looked as if they were all going to let out a collective "aw", but they recovered quickly after a moment of silence.

"We love you too, Kendall!" Carlos shouted enthusiastically, making all four of them laugh.

"I'm pretty awesome, aren't I?" James smirked, only partially meaning his statement as he settled into his seat with a content sigh. He may like to put on an act of nonchalance, but James was quietly praying that Kendall would make it through his first day.

"So, do you think that you can get through eight more months of this?" Logan bit his bottom lip, fighting off a hopeful smile. They all knew he wanted Sage with them, but they also knew it was going to take time.

Kendall smirked, turning into Sherwood Diner and pulling the car into an empty parking space. He turned in his seat to look each of his brothers right in the eye.

"With you guys around, it's totally possible."

* * *

**A/N: You know how I like to create perfection and then burst it into little pieces? Yeah, there will be more of that soon lol. This was a intro to let us know what the guys are like and how their relationships differ, and it sets up some future drama ;) I think it was one of my favorite chapters so far because it has a HAPPY tone :D These boys make me smile :)  
**

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I know there are almost two hundred of you checking this out every week. Even if you just look at the site every once in awhile and read, then click the little review button and say 'hello' :D I LOVE LOVE LOVE hearing from new readers/reviewers (thank you very much LIV3xLAUGHxL0V3 for reviewing every chapter :)**


	23. Big Time Honesty

**A/N: Another longer chapter. I hope you guys don't mind. I really love how it came out :D **

**(a big thank you to IM-not-BRIGHT-but-I-like-TOAST for reviewing every chapter yesterday.. and lol at your username. love it :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**As usual: ****Go read **_Surfergal23_**'s angsty story Hooked.  
**

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 23: BIG TIME HONESTY_

* * *

Logan stepped out of the chilled, early-October air and into the heated entry of Sherwood Market. The grocery store was almost completely empty in the front, having reached a lull in the late hours of the afternoon on a Saturday. Only one of the four cash registers was busy, and it wasn't Kendall's. He had gotten a job at the market to occupy his time almost as soon as school started, thinking it would be good for him to do something else when he didn't have hockey practice, and he could now help his mother financially while they were still settling into their permanent home.

The brunette sighed and pulled out his cellphone, typing out a quick message to his absent friend and scanning the unoccupied registers as he waited for a response.

_"Where are you? –L"_

The boys were all supposed to meet Kendall towards the end of his shift, but it was still a little early, so he wasn't outside yet, and Logan had no desire to search the entire store for the new employee.

_"In the snack aisle with our crazy friends. HELP! –K"_

Logan rolled his eyes with a smile when he read Kendall's distressed message. He didn't even bother to text him back, sure that he was going to get an earful once he united with the group. Moving past the short line of people waiting at the first register, he walked towards the back of the building until he was beyond the freezer section and into the canned foods before he finally reached his destination.

James and Carlos were talking animatedly behind Kendall. The blonde seemed to be doing his best to ignore them while he repeatedly checked his phone, slipping it in and out of his red apron to glance at the screen anxiously. He busied himself by pulling bags of chips out of a cart and depositing them onto the shelf, and it appeared that their Latino friend had snagged one of the snacks for himself. The boy was crunching loudly with James begging Kendall for something beside him. They were too far away for Logan to hear what was being said, but he interrupted the conversation when he was close enough.

"What's the problem?" his question was mainly directed at Kendall, who looked eternally grateful for his sudden presence, but, before he could speak, the other two boys answered for him.

"We're trying to get Kendall to go to the dance tonight!" Carlos responded enthusiastically, offering the opened bag of chips to Logan while he still chewed on his own bite of the snack. The dark-haired boy wrinkled his face in disgust and declined with a short shake of his head. Carlos took the rejection with a nonchalant shrug and shoved his hand back into the bag to fish out the rest of the crumbs.

"And you too!" James chimed in with a bright smile, looking like he thought he was delivering Logan the news that he won the lottery. The brunette didn't feel the excitement one bit and, by the look on Kendall's face, his friend agreed wholeheartedly.

"Oh, I suddenly remembered that I have somewhere important to be…" Logan grinned nervously, backing up from the group and turning on his heels only to find Carlos suddenly blocking his path.

"Why are you so persistent?" Kendall whined, slouching his shoulders as he watched Logan give up his escape plan with a roll of his eyes. He crossed his arms and leaned back against the shelf of cookies behind him, sharing a knowing look with the blonde.

"You only play hockey and hang out with us. You do nothing else fun or social. This dance will be good for you," James suggested hopefully, keeping all of his attention on Kendall, who looked less than amused.

"This is fun," Kendall insisted grumpily, abandoning his usually rigid work ethic and tossing bags of chips onto the shelf haphazardly.

"That's **_work_**," James declared matter-of-factly, pointing to the groceries behind Kendall with a sour expression at the thought of doing any type of labor.

"Please, just go with us. Logan, make him go with us!" Carlos jumped in and begged his smart friend, gesturing to all three of them.

"Whoa! When did I say that **_I _**was going?" he scoffed at the two pleading boys and shook his head in disbelief.

"You didn't have to. It's all in your eyes," Carlos giggled and waved his fingers in the brunette's face.

Logan raised a dark eyebrow and tightened his arms across his chest. He glared daggers at Carlos, narrowing his eyes so much that the shorter boy was sure he felt the temperature rise in their general vicinity. Taking two steps back and crumpling the empty chip bag between his hands, Carlos swallowed thickly and gazed sideways at James.

"Take over…" he walked over to stand beside James so that they were a united team of two against the other pair, who were both only showing annoyance, but neither of them could ever be that frustrated with their friends for too long.

"Logan, stop glaring at Carlos, and, Kendall, stop being a stick in the mud. We get enough of that from our resident genius," the pretty boy jabbed his thumb in the direction of Logan, who immediately stopped scowling at Carlos and, instead, looked at James with a pout.

"I am not a stick in the mud! I just have other plans tonight," he insisted, uncrossing his arms and shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans with shifting eyes.

"What could possibly be better than going to the dance with us?" Carlos asked with a smirk, already knowing that there was no good excuse.

"Pretty much anything other than death," Kendall mumbled, cracking a smile when he saw that Logan thought he was amusing.

"There's this new documentary about space exploration on tonight," Logan offered lamely, biting his bottom lip when James and Carlos didn't look convinced.

"Oh, really? That sounds awesome," Kendall exclaimed with too much enthusiasm, throwing his arm over the intelligent boy's shoulders. "So, I can't go. I'm gonna watch TV with Logan," he declared happily, giving a fake apologetic shrug to his other two friends.

"I didn't know you were interested in that stuff…" James and Carlos grinned at each other and folded their arms at the same time, fully aware that Kendall was about to lose the fight.

"Yeah, I totally love space… explosions," Kendall sucked in a short breath and gave them a cheesy smile like he thought they were ridiculous, but his eyes widened when he spotted Logan hanging his head in defeat and shame, making him aware that he messed up.

"Just come with us this **_one_** time, and, if you guys don't like it, then we'll never bother you about it again," James promised, showing sincerity with his softening smile and a gentle punch to Kendall's arm.

Logan huffed out a heavy breath and turned to rest his elbow against the shelf behind him, looking at his blonde friend. They had a silent conversation with lingering stares and small shrugs.

Neither boy's idea of fun was a school dance. Logan would have preferred a quiet night with his buddies, and Kendall's favorite activities had nothing to do with school or overwhelming social settings. After missing Sage for so long, he got better at being with his friends and family, but spending time around normal teenagers was stressful when he felt like there was so much weight on his heart that he could never express to strangers. Even the most basic questions asked about his life during idle small talk were an ordeal to answer because they all lead back to Sage. He refused to freak out or break down in public. His theory was that it was inevitable, and he didn't want to test it by putting himself in an emotionally dangerous situation, but his best friends wanted him to be with them.

Logan was aware of all of Kendall's reservations, but, with a slight nod, he knew that he was giving in and Logan wasn't going to let him do it alone.

"You swear that this is only a one-time thing if we hate it?" Logan asked for clarification warily, his posture relaxing when they both turned to Carlos and James.

"We promise!" Carlos jumped in the spot where he stood; slapping his hand against the boy's beside him in excitement, both of them already rejoicing even though they hadn't received a final response yet.

Kendall couldn't stop himself from smiling at his friends' eagerness. Carlos looked like he just got a new puppy, and James seemed absolutely pleased with himself for his part in getting their friends to go with them. Logan bumped his shoulder against Kendall's, signaling for him to give them a proper answer when the other two boys celebrated amongst themselves, but waited for confirmation with hopeful smiles. Kendall threw his hands in the air, chuckling as he addressed the enthused pair.

"Fine, we'll go."

* * *

"Raise your hand if you're having second thoughts," Kendall suggested anxiously, his voice carrying loudly in the front of Logan's car. The brunette only laughed lightly and climbed out of the driver's seat, slamming the door securely behind him and watching Kendall groan and follow suit on the other side of the car when his halfhearted protests were ignored.

The parking lot was packed, and there were lights flashing from within the gymnasium, coloring the sidewalks closest to the doors and windows with a dim array of yellows and pinks. The dance was in full swing, and it had no purpose other than to usher in the fall season with the latest fundraising opportunity for the school's various sports teams, one of which was Kendall's own; only giving James and Carlos more of an advantage when they had tried to convince him and Logan that they had made the best choice in deciding to attend. Although, no one was really foolish enough to believe that any of their intentions were charitable. They were purely looking for fun.

Nervously smoothing the creases out of his dark blue dress shirt, Kendall waited for Logan to come around and stand by his side. The shorter boy had selected a white shirt with a black vest, and both teens opted for jeans and sneakers, figuring that a school dance was more casual than formal and not really caring if they were wrong.

"I thought you were never gonna show!"

Carlos appeared from the gym doors with an ecstatic smile, and James was right behind him, wearing a relieved expression, when they spotted Kendall and Logan lingering by the car. The boys jogged the short distance to the parking lot, only a road's width of pavement separating it from the main part of the school. Logan and Kendall shared a gentle smile in each other's gratitude for the company, knowing the night of festivities would surely be torture without one another. Partying was James and Carlos' element, and was rarely favored by the others, but, together, they assumed it couldn't be all that bad.

"Stop worrying. We're here… for now…" Logan sighed and shifted were he stood, shoving his hands into his back pockets and rocking on his heels.

He had to make sure that they knew his and Kendall's presence was only temporary if everything became too much for either one of them. Carlos and James had attended almost every dance that the school held once their junior year had started, but, somehow, the smart boy of their group always managed to talk or excuse his way out of it. With Kendall's return, Logan was fair game to the pleading of James and Carlos, and they knew and took advantage of it. With a cautious glance at the music and teenager-filled gym, Logan silently thought that his two rambunctious friends were lucky that he loved them, or someone might get hit tonight.

"Nice shirt, Carlitos," Kendall chuckled, observing the boy's clothing, which geared more towards the typical female.

"Real men wear pink, Kendall!" Carlos defended himself from the lighthearted teasing, pouting dramatically as he rolled the sleeves of his shirt almost completely up to his elbows.

"Or, in this case, men who put their red sweatpants in the wash with their white shirt wear pink," Logan commented snidely, smirking at the humored boy beside him.

"No one told me to separate them!" Carlos shouted theatrically, stamping his foot against the cement below them and glaring at Logan like they've had this conversation several times before.

"Chill, Carlos. You look almost as good as me," James assured him in the most modest way he could, throwing a casual arm over the Latino's shoulders while he straightened his lavender tie and silky, black shirt.

"Where are your dates? Are you guys gonna need a ride home?" Logan asked slowly, looking around for the girls he assumed would be attached the boys' hips and hoping that their friends wouldn't need him for transportation later. With any luck, James and Carlos would have borrowed their parents' cars. If they had no obligations, he and Kendall could sneak out whenever they saw fit.

"Nope, my date, Veronica, drove us and Anna here. Normally, I'd insist that I be the driver, but Veronica is 'progressive' or some shit, and it gave me one more excuse to have her outside of my condo at the end of the night. That's another step closer to my bed," James grinned smugly, elbowing Carlos, who laughed along with him.

"Do all of your dates end in sex?" Kendall inquired, sounding exasperated at the ridiculous thought of James never going out with a girl unless fooling around was involved, but he already knew what the answer would be before it even left the popular boy's mouth.

"Only the good ones," he winked suggestively, earning a groan from Logan and a little shove from Carlos. Kendall only rolled his eyes, slightly disturbed by the fact that James probably meant what he said.

"So, your date's name is Anna, huh?" Kendall directed the conversation towards Carlos, who looked like he was abruptly filled with nerves by his friend's analytical stare. It was like Kendall's green eyes could always glare so severely that he saw right into his mind.

Kendall had been working hard to keep his promise of helping Carlos gain the confidence to ask out his longtime crush, Roselynn Morris. It had been over a month since school started, and the amount of progress they had made was minimal. He flirted with Roselynn daily, but, even with Kendall's persistence, the brunette couldn't work up the courage to ask her on a date.

"Yes, it is. James set me and her up, and she's really sweet," Carlos gave Kendall a meaningful glare, silently telling him to drop it, before he plastered a wide smile on his face and grabbed James by the arm. "The girls will be out of the bathroom any second. We gotta head back inside. We'll see you there, and will the two of you **_please_** try to have fun?" his smile turned anxious as he and the tallest boy started to back away.

Carlos pointed at Kendall and Logan, who both looked as if they were already about to bolt after glancing at the gym once again. They gave in and nodded slowly, assuring the two of them with a flippant wave of their hands.

"Yeah, you guys can't leave until I give Kendall my surprise," James declared excitedly, starting to take over and drag away Carlos, who was suddenly just as confused as the others.

"Surprise? What? James, get the fuck back here!" Kendall shouted dramatically, watching his two hyper friends stroll away from him and Logan.

The blonde's frustrated words fell on deaf ears. James swayed his hand through the air dismissively, giving only a small sign that he had even heard Kendall say anything. Carlos wiggled out of his grasp to face the others as he walked backwards to the gym. He shrugged apologetically before lifting his finger towards his temple and spinning it in a circle to signify that he thought James was nuts. Carlos obviously had no idea what their friend was up to.

"Do you know anything about this?" Kendall asked Logan hopefully, yet darkly, thinking that he would clue him in.

Logan rolled his eyes with an airy chuckle and started walking towards the main entrance of the building, expecting Kendall to follow. The taller boy immediately fell in line beside him.

"I know tons about a lot of things, but I know next to nothing about James' thought process," Logan admitted with a defeated sigh.

The pair moved through the open doors and stepped up to a small table, where a younger member of the student council sat with a metal box, typing away on her phone without seeming to notice the loud, obnoxious music blaring around her. The boys tossed ten dollars each into the box after reading the display that told them about the entrance fee in front of the table, not even getting a casual glance from the girl as she texted with one hand and flipped the sturdy cashbox open and shut with the other. Kendall couldn't have cared less about the rude greeting. He kept his anxious attention on Logan as they stepped further into the gym.

"Just promise me that you'll have my back when this **_surprise_** comes from our hairspray-damaged friend," Kendall muttered into Logan's ear over the blasting music, which had just shifted to a song with an upbeat tempo.

"No problem…." Logan nodded in agreement, appearing to survey their surroundings while Kendall did the same. "You get the snacks. I'll get drinks, and we'll meet back in the safe zone in five," he held up the matching number of fingers for emphasis before tilting his head towards an empty table closest to the open doors that they had entered from.

On the ride over, they had both agreed that they were only making an appearance to appease James and Carlos. They planned on enjoying the refreshments and music and keeping each other company until they could slip out of there without their rowdy friends noticing them. They had absolutely no intentions of enjoying themselves, undoubtedly sure that this was not their idea of fun.

With an approving nod of his head at Logan, Kendall turned and walked slowly through the crowd of grinding and flailing teenagers, thinking that there should really be more teachers watching so that no one got pregnant on the dance floor. There were way too many couples only a step or two from losing their clothes, James and his date being one of the pairs on display. The slick boy had his hands firmly planted on the ass of a redheaded, promiscuous girl. Kendall only made the assumption about her sexual tendencies because of her ridiculously short dress, which was so revealing that he felt like looking at her for more than a second would be considered cheating on Sage.

Kendall shuddered and tore his eyes away from the sight of his best friend practically sliding into third base, stepping all the way through the mob of his classmates and finally making it to the snack table. He blew out an exhausted breath, counting down the minutes in his head until he would be able to get back to the table with Logan, as he gathered random cookies and brownies onto a paper plate, picking what he thought his friend would enjoy most before spinning quickly on his heels.

As he slithered back through the heated bodies of the adolescents around him, Kendall frowned and spotted Carlos and his date a few yards away. The bubbly boy had transformed into a subdued version of James, which was not the Latino's personality at all. He and Anna had pressed their bodies extremely close together. The dark-haired girl was wearing entirely too much makeup, and Kendall was surprised that her hands were only squeezing Carlos' hips suggestively. She looked like she wanted much more to happen, but her companion appeared to be keeping her at somewhat of a respectable distance, which wasn't all that modest in the first place, and trying to talk to her with his winning, adorable smile.

When Kendall saw that she was hardly paying attention to Carlos' words, only focusing on the firm muscles of his hockey-toned body, he knew for sure that she and James' date, Veronica, were not from their school. All of the girls at Sherwood High loved Carlos for his personality, no matter how much he refused to see it, and this girl looked at him like he only wanted to get into her pants. Kendall knew better than to believe that assumption. Carlos was still a virgin, and he had no plans of losing his innocence to a random, uninhibited girl at a school dance.

"What took you so long?" Logan was already sitting and sipping a cup of punch when Kendall dropped down into the seat beside him. He pushed a full cup towards him, and Kendall accepted it with a grateful smile and placed the plate of snacks between them.

"Just watching people lose their virginities on the dance floor," Kendall joked with a concerned gaze into the crowd a couple yards in front of them.

"Seriously, I thought that a school function would be a bit more…. moderated…" Logan shook his head and bit into a sugar cookie, humming when he tasted the sweet flavor. "So, will you actually watch that documentary with me when we go back to my house?" he smiled hopefully, watching Kendall with a little swivel of his shoulders, as if the peppy movement could convince him that astronomy was fun.

"Is that punch spiked?" Kendall deadpanned, moving his eyes down the juice in Logan's hand and then back up to the boy's begging expression.

"Come on, I know it's lame to you, but I'll even let you put on a horror movie afterwards if you watch it without complaining," Logan offered enthusiastically, knowing too well that he freaked out during scary movies, but he was also aware that this was how their relationship worked. It was always a give and take bond between Logan and Kendall. One constantly helped the other when they needed it. They made sacrifices, and even the smallest ones, such as movie choices, mattered.

"So, you won't be able to complain during my movie either?" Kendall inquired, looking for clarification on their terms as he raised an eyebrow at his jittery friend.

"Can I cover my eyes at the gory parts?" the brunette argued further, leaning forward with one elbow on the table right as Kendall did the same. They stared at each other with a mock intensity of two battling lawyers before Kendall blinked and donned a smile.

"Deal," they both laughed as they shook hands, sealing their agreement with the binding gesture.

Before one of them could speak again, James suddenly appeared beside their empty table, but he wasn't alone. He had his hand placed casually on the lower half of a brunette girl's back. At first, Kendall assumed it was his date, but then he remembered James' girl-of-the-day had red hair and a skimpy outfit. This one had soft, brown hair that fell a little below her shoulders. Her makeup was light, and she wore a lilac colored dress that accentuated her body but didn't reveal enough to be considered inappropriate. Kendall was about to congratulate his friend on ditching the tramp and getting a date that seemed sweet enough to actually see more than once. She and the boy beside her looked like a cute couple, but then James shattered every thought he had.

"Kendall, I want you to meet your date for tonight. This is Ashley," James smiled excitedly, not seeing the second that Kendall's breath caught in this throat and his eyes widened in astonishment and anger.

"Hey," the brunette girl spoke softly, waving her hand through the air in one, swift motion, almost as if she could feel the awkward tension.

Logan looked extremely confused and scared, staring back and forth between a shell-shocked Kendall and an oblivious and energized James. The blonde boy couldn't even speak as James took the initiative to guide Ashley to the seat beside Kendall, leaving her on his right and Logan on his left; making an extremely uncomfortable, trapped feeling settle in the stunned boy's chest.

With a bright smile and a wink from James, the overly eager boy walked back onto the dance floor, disappearing into the crowd without a care in the world. Kendall was too surprised from everything that just happened in the last thirty seconds to even chase after him. All he was aware of was that an innocent bystander, Ashley, was left beside him, and he didn't want to be rude to her. Even if he wanted to tell James how much of a lunatic he was, that conversation would have to wait because he couldn't just storm away from the girl who thought he was her date without an explanation.

It had been quiet for nearly a full minute as Kendall tried to think things through and calm himself down. He seemed to be lost in his own head, staring down at the yellow tablecloth with shifting eyes and leaning more towards his friend so that he was as far away from his "date" as possible, but Logan and Ashley were all too aware of the immediate situation. The dark-haired boy cleared his throat uneasily, and the new brunette tapped her fingers against her legs to the beat of the music that blared through the speakers without moving her brown eyes in either boy's direction.

"So…" Logan started loudly, making both of the table's other occupants snap their heads to face him and the sudden sound. He swallowed and smiled nervously. "I'm gonna, uh, go to the… bathroom…" he declared timidly, sliding his chair back and rising from his seat.

Logan's announcement seemed to finally get Kendall to break out of his trance. His eyes widened again, and he was abruptly desperate for him to stay, but it came out as an annoyed plea. Somehow, he already knew that he lost the battle. Kendall couldn't really blame Logan for wanting to get out of there, because he wanted nothing more for himself, but that didn't stop him from lifting slightly off of his chair and turning fully away from a confused Ashley to grab his friend's wrist.

"You promised!" he hissed as softly as he could manage, tightening his jaw and narrowing his eyes at Logan.

"That was before I became the third wheel on your extremely awkward non-date!" the fleeing boy took one step into Kendall's space and bent down, so Ashley couldn't see his face, as he whispered to him with an anxious frustration.

Logan shared an intense stare with Kendall, silently telling him that he wasn't going to stick around, before he straightened himself up with a cordial smile towards the girl staring at them skeptically. She had been most likely struggling to hear their hushed whispers over the thumping of the bass against the gymnasium walls, and neither boy could fault her for it. They probably looked more than a little nuts.

"Very nice to meet you, Ashley," he declared animatedly, nodding a little in her direction and ignoring her confused expression. They had actually never formally met, but that wasn't the most important thought on anyone's mind.

"Likewise…" her response sounded more like a question, unsure of how she should react to the boys' odd disagreement. She had no idea what was really going on. She didn't know the weight of this situation for Kendall.

Logan took another step away from his agitated friend, pivoting on his heels to walk away with one last apologetic smile at the boy. However, Kendall didn't want any apologies. Right before Logan was out of his reach, he latched onto the back of the boy's vest with a vice grip, pulling him back down so he could hear him.

"I'm gonna bury you right next to James," he whispered fiercely, knowing that both of them didn't believe a word he said. He was being dramatic, but his anger was justified.

Logan shrugged him off and speedily strolled off into the distance, staying on the edge of the crowd until he was out of sight and leaving Kendall alone with Ashley.

The pair sat in absolute silence, the only noises coming from the music and the other various occupants of the large room. The girl bit her bottom lip and kept her eyes off of Kendall, seeming to be more concerned with the crowd of teenagers in front of them. Her hands played with the hem of her dress, while Kendall blinked slowly and stared at his hands. He bent forward so his forearm rested against the table, and brought his free hand down to lay on the front of his jeans. It was positioned right over his pocket, where a coveted picture and Sage's necklace were placed snugly inside. It made him calm down enough to work up the courage to speak. He had to think of the nicest way possible to let the unknowing girl down. They were not on a date, and they would never be going on one. It was that simple for Kendall, but he knew he couldn't be impolite.

"Listen-"

"I feel really guilty," Ashley spoke over him, not appearing to have heard his shaky voice start a sentence. Now that Kendall looked at her, she seemed nervous and upset. He hadn't noticed before, too concerned with his own issues. Nodding for her to continue, Kendall brought both of his hands to the top of the table and clasped them together tightly. "I have no interest in dating you," Ashley continued, turning the corners of her lips up in an uncomfortable smile, thinking she was breaking terrible news.

"Oh, thank god!" Kendall exclaimed loudly, relaxing his posture and letting himself laugh in relief. When he saw Ashley's head tilt to the side and a frown form, he quickly back tracked with wide eyes and his hands lifted up, "I mean, no offense or anything. You seem great, but I have a girlfriend that I love very much," Kendall admitted without shame, finding it easier than he thought to bring up Sage in conversation.

He had been so sure that even the mention of her existence would send him into a downward spiral if the boys weren't around, but he was still smiling gently at an astonished Ashley. She widened her brown eyes and looked around the gym uneasily, as if she was expecting a jealous girlfriend to show up and put her in her place.

"Really? 'Cause James said-"

"James is an insensitive asshole," Kendall interjected angrily, rolling his eyes with tight lips and still itching to have a few words with his best friend.

"Okay…" Ashley laughed lightly, seeming to relax as the truth came out between them. She crossed one of her legs over the other, fixing the hem of her dress to be sure she was covered as Kendall spoke.

"Wait a second. Why are you here if you don't want to be?" Kendall forgot about James for a moment and kept his focus on Ashley, who puzzled him. He had no idea why she would agree to be his date if she had no interest in him.

"That's where the guilt comes in," she chuckled faintly, shifting in her seat to gear up for her explanation. Kendall looked amused, forgetting about the crowd and stress around him. "I have a boyfriend…"

"That's good. At least we have something in common. If not, this date would be a total wash," Kendall joked, sipping the cup of punch in front of him with a smirk. Ashley laughed and shook her head from side to side. "So, what's the story there, with the boyfriend?" Kendall asked conversationally, pushing the plate of snacks in her direction.

"His name is Josh. We've been together for three years. That's him with the black tie," she picked up a chunk of brownie, gesturing to an area in front of them before taking a bite.

Josh stood in a group of five guys. They all gathered together at the corner of the gym closest to her and Kendall. It hadn't been noticeable before, but the dark-haired teen kept grinning at his friends and then turning back to watching his girlfriend with an analyzing stare. Ashley sighed and smiled at her new friend's obvious confusion.

"We had an argument about spending more time together. I thought he loved his football buddies more than me," she explained with a small shrug, dusting her hands off with a napkin when she finished the brownie.

"Well, what do you think now?" Kendall wondered, noticing that she spoke in the past tense.

"I'm pretty sure I was being melodramatic, but he gave it back to me just as good with all this crap about hanging out with my girlfriends too much, and, now, we're just in a battle of wills. It's all about who cracks and apologizes first," her expression turned into one of dark humor, and she crossed her arms over her chest with a smirk.

All of her attention was directly focused onto her boyfriend. Josh glared, grinded his jaw, and then made a show of starting up a lively conversation with his rowdy friends. Ashley blew out a heavy breath and took a taste of the punch Logan had left behind, her narrowed eyes never leaving her boyfriend. Kendall snickered and shook his head, thinking that it was amusing to see how much the two teenagers acted like an older married couple.

"You're both incredibly stupid," he declared with a tilt of his head, watching Ashley turn back to him with a sheepish smile.

"I never said we were bright… can we stop talking about me?" she asked hopefully, turning in her chair so that more of her back was to Josh.

"If you insist," Kendall replied good-naturedly, gesturing for her start a new topic.

"Let's talk about you."

"Ugh, let's not…" he pleaded halfheartedly, groaning at the idea of even thinking about his insane life story. The past year alone was enough to fill a thick book.

"Come on, what's your deal? Who's your girlfriend?" Ashley raised a slim eyebrow, wanting to hear someone else's tale, thinking it was ironic that they both had significant others but ended up with each other at the dance.

"Her name is Sage," Kendall brightened up at the thought of his soul mate, silently thankful that the memories came with a calm expression this time. They were usually linked with so much heartache.

"Aw, look at you getting all smiley when you say her name," Ashley giggled, pointing to his face teasingly, "Why isn't she here with you?"

"It's a complicated long distance thing, but there shouldn't be any more problems once we graduate," he explained shortly, keeping the story simple, but he was surprised to find that it didn't hurt him to say it.

Bringing up Sage to Ashley felt so relieving. He could talk about her like they were an average teenaged couple. Ashley was ignorant about everything in his life. She had no clue about Sage and Kendall's angst-filled past and present. When he's with James, Carlos, Logan, or his mother and sister, they knew the truth. They could see the pain inside of Kendall because he couldn't hide from them, but Ashley is a friendly stranger. This was the first time he'd talked about Sage in casual conversation without allowing any baggage to weigh him down. He realized just how far he had progressed in the last few months. He had become healthier, and just passed a surprise test with flying colors. Being without Sage everyday felt unbearable, but, as time moved on, the necessary delay in their reunion seemed manageable.

With a pat to his pocket at all of the positive thoughts bouncing in his mind, Kendall smirked conspiratorially at Ashley, who had been listening to him speak with interest, but now she looked nervous at his expression. He brushed the tips of his fingers against the outline of Sage's necklace in his jeans one last time and then jumped up from his seat.

"What are you doing?" Ashley asked, tilting up to see him towering above her.

"I may not be with my girlfriend now, but that's out of my control. You and Josh still have each other, and yet here you are, sitting in the same room and playing mind games…You guys love each other, right?" Kendall raised his eyebrows, not waiting for an answer as he took Ashley gently by the arm and lifted her out of her chair.

"Yeah, so…."

"We've both got to stop avoiding what's important. I have to go talk to James, who is seriously in trouble right now…" Kendall growled at the thoughts of his friend, but softened when he put his focus back on Ashley, "… and you have to go make up with Josh," he explained matter-of-factly tugging her around the table and in the direction of her boyfriend.

"Whoa, I'm not talking to him first! I'll lose!" she whined nervously, but didn't really put up much of a fight, letting Kendall guide her.

"That doesn't matter. I'll speak for you," Kendall assured her with a smile, stopping when they finally reached a confused Josh.

"Hey, I'm Kendall," he offered cheerfully, not even fazed by the dirty look he was receiving from the boy.

"Yeah, I know who you are. You're my girlfriend's date," Josh snarled, gripping his cup tightly in his large palm.

"Right, it's crazy, isn't it?" Kendall chuckled awkwardly, releasing Ashley's arm once he had pushed her a little into her boyfriend's space. It was enough so that he watched Josh fight against his desire to reach out and place his hand on her back as they both looked at Kendall and avoided each other. "Listen, both of you have to stop with the petty crap. You two have been together for years. Ashley loves you, and you love Ashley. It's supposed to be simple. Don't let the little stuff ruin it," Kendall begged them with a gentle smile, waving his hand between the pair with a stern stare.

They seemed to relent a bit, their posture relaxing as they slowly looked in one other's direction. Kendall grinned triumphantly, nodding his head slowly at the progress. He knew it was only a matter of minutes before they would be fully reunited. If he couldn't have that with Sage yet, he wanted to do his best to make sure no other perfect couples suffered from the pain of unfair separation.

"Have a good night…" Kendall spoke happily, receiving grateful smiles from Ashley and Josh, before their full attention was back on one another.

Feeling relaxed, Kendall turned around and walked through the gym, abruptly remembering the intense task at hand. Ashley had been a great girl to talk to, but that didn't let James off the hook. He completely infuriated Kendall and insulted the memory of Sage. It was as if he wasn't thinking at all. Seeing the pretty boy across the room ruined his calm demeanor and reignited his anger.

As he stalked forward, Kendall suddenly realized that Logan hadn't really abandoned him at all. He was talking severely at James, who looked absolutely confused with Carlos wearing a similar expression at his side. Logan looked almost as annoyed as Kendall was, but Carlos' face looked disappointed at his tallest friend the more they spoke. Kendall met Logan's eyes across the room, and, after a nod of understanding, he lead the other two through the exit doors. Kendall had donned a happy, cordial face earlier, but his expression morphed as soon as he followed them. He crossed the threshold and it was just the four of them outside of the school.

"Hey, Buddy! Are you having fun?" James sounded excited, his smile was bright and wide.

Carlos appeared frightened by the unavoidable fight, and Logan was exhausted. He gave a short glance to Kendall as the boy moved toward them, signaling that James wasn't understanding the problem, but Kendall just ignored him and made a beeline right for his smiling friend.

"Are you fuckin' out of your mind?"

Kendall shoved James' shoulders without hesitation, causing the startled boy to gasp and stumble backwards shakily. The boy's faded smile and shock was enough to bring Kendall to his senses. He didn't want to hit him. James wasn't Caleb Glickman. He was his best friend. The blonde spun in a slow circle, groaning in frustration and running a hand through his hair. His attention turned back to James, who didn't look angry. He was confused. It seemed like he was going to apologize, but then he realized he didn't have any idea what to apologize for.

"What the hell?" he breathed heavily, glancing up at Kendall nervously while he adjusted his tie with a trembling hand.

"You really don't even know, do you? That's the saddest part of this messed up shit," Kendall sighed and ran his tongue along the roof of his mouth, fighting for more words.

The fact that James was so broken hurt him, but he was still reeling from his sudden date set up by his friend. He didn't know whether to let the depression or anger win. Either way, he felt like he was going to cry. The fury was winning over the sadness as Kendall continued his rant.

"I have a girlfriend!" he said it sarcastically, knowing that this wasn't news to James, but the boy was pretending like Sage never existed.

Kendall thought that, if he had considered her, James wouldn't have done this, but he was still wrong. James was a bigger enigma than he assumed. He didn't function like anyone else in his entire life. Kendall hadn't seen him in years, and things used to be so simple when they were kids. James still had similar tendencies, but it was startling to see what he became and how he considered his actions.

"I wanted you to loosen up and have a little fun, and…." James trailed off weakly, his anxious smile fading altogether as he licked his lips. His shoulders slumped and his heavy sigh was almost visible in the cold, night air, "… a-and Sage… Sage isn't here… She's gone."

James seemed truly apologetic when he spoke, but not for what he had done. He was sorry that Kendall couldn't have Sage. He thought he was trying to get through to Kendall so the boy would see his reasoning, but he didn't connect all of the dots. Kendall hadn't known until this moment that James didn't realize that having to wait for Sage didn't matter to him as long as they were eventually together again.

James' declaration sounded like he was giving up, and, with his words, Kendall let the anger completely consume him. He grabbed the sullen boy by the collar and rammed his body roughly into the brick wall of the school beside them. Kendall had him pinned down, James squirming in frustration, but Logan stepped in, tired of being a bystander, and snaked his arm between the pair. He eased Kendall back, and the blonde felt Carlos' hand squeeze his shoulder for reassurance. Even though he had lost it for a second, Kendall knew he wasn't going to actually hit James. It wasn't in him to harm the boy. He took a few steps back, leaving James slumped against the wall in shock as Kendall spoke.

"You don't get it, James. I don't think you can fathom the idea that, if Sage…" he paused, thinking of one of his many nightmares, "… If she n-never comes back into my life, I would d-die alone," the words practically choked off his air supply, usually only staying in his mind but now finding a reason to pass his lips.

"It's just a date to the dance, Kendall. You're taking this way too seriously," James chuckled nervously, still dismissive of his friend's irritation.

"**_You're_** not taking it seriously **_enough_**! You put me in a terrible situation with a nice girl and completely disrespected my relationship with Sage…" Kendall insisted, rage covering every inch of his body. All three boys watched it unfold as he zoned in on James. "Is this how you're going to be when she's around here? Because I'm not gonna have it. She's had more than enough douche bags in her life."

James looked immediately offended and physically ill at the reference to Elliot, disgusted by the fact that Kendall even linked the monster to him in any way. He blinked rapidly at the outburst, and Logan sucked in a harsh breath beside Kendall. Inching forward, Carlos decided to be the one to step in with a soothing voice. James looked too hurt and confused to respond.

"Take it easy, Kendall. He was just trying to help, even though it wasn't-" Carlos couldn't even finish his sentence. He was cut off before he could admit that what James did was a mistake.

"Don't fuckin' defend him! He messed with your life too! You're in there with some sleazy college chick he set you up with, when you should have asked Roselynn," Kendall spat irately, getting frustrated with Carlos before he turned his anger back on James. "I bet you don't even have a clue that Carlos has a crush on her. You only ever think of yourself. You're a terrible influence on him."

With those words, James wiped any trace of regret off of his face and replaced it with his own wrath. He pushed off of the wall and straightened his posture, talking one menacing step towards Kendall and using the miniscule height difference to his advantage, but Kendall didn't seem intimidated even as James screamed at him.

"Fuck you! You only got here five months ago! Don't pretend to even think you know what Carlos and I have or what we are to each other," he growled heatedly, swallowing harshly and digging his heels into the pavement so that he didn't lunge for Kendall.

James couldn't stand to hear that he was capable of hurting his best friend, and his words were true. He and Carlos had a special bond and understanding, but James couldn't read minds. The Latino encouraged his behavior since day one, and, unknown to Logan and Kendall, Carlos actually asked James to get him a date for the dance after he lied and said he wasn't interested in anyone special. James let him hide from working up his confidence and asking Roselynn out. He was the perfect excuse because he never expected Carlos to not be honest with him.

Giving a cynical laugh, James crossed his arms over his chest and glared at Kendall as he regained his composure and thought of a more calculating response. As he spoke, Carlos looked distressed, biting his lip to the point of irritation, and Logan seemed nervous for all of them. His eyes darted around the area, as if he thought something would magically happen to repair the damage that the hidden, metaphorical bomb just inflicted on all of them.

"Oh, wait. I forgot that Kendall Knight always knows best. Maybe we should follow his lead, guys," James was smiling like a lunatic as he looked over to Logan and Carlos, but he wasn't searching for any actual confirmation. "Yeah, let's all fall madly in love, get fucked over by fate, and tumble into a deep, angry depression. We can have suicidal thoughts and destroy our friends and family instead of having fun and living our lives. That sounds **_so_** much better!" he ranted wildly, throwing his arms into the air with a shout.

"James…" Logan scolded him softly for his caustic words, but the taller boy didn't even blink in his direction. He was too busy catching his breath and keeping himself out of Kendall's personal space.

"No, Logan, he's right!" Kendall interjected, laughing just as dramatically and bitterly as James had. "I should just waltz my ass back in there and fuck my problems away with Ashley, who has a **_boyfriend_**, you idiot!" he directed his concentration back onto James with a snarl.

James appeared shocked by the declaration, obviously having no idea about Ashley's significant other, not that she wanted him to know anyway, but he almost seemed disappointed in his choice of a date for Kendall.

However, the shock wore off almost as soon as it came, and James fell back into the frustration and anger, making his heart bang against his ribcage. He had forgotten how easily Kendall read people. James thought he had his life figured out, but then the blonde strolled back into it and read him like a book; picking out all of the dirty details and secrets hidden between the lines. It was petrifying to truly be seen. He knew that Carlos and Logan could see him too, but, with time and carefully planned evasive maneuvers by him, they learned to let James get away with his inappropriate comments and gestures, knowing that they were born out of fear and insecurity.

Kendall wouldn't let him hide anymore. That insight had James suddenly short of breath and wanting to cry or fight and go down swinging because, either way, he was on a one-way road to the truth, and the thought of the destination was even more daunting than the bumpy ride there.

"Alright, we're leaving," Logan interjected, seeing the screaming match only building between the pair, and knew it was causing a scene. The chaperones were appearing by the doors to the gym at the sound of a fight, and he couldn't help but think of how ridiculous it was that there were teenagers almost procreating on the dance floor, but they didn't get concerned until a group of boys were yelling outside. "Everyone in the car."

Logan's voice sounded authoritative. He was finally taking charge. Logan had to wear so many hats around his friends, and their roles only kept shifting with Kendall back in the loop. Right now, they needed him to be a leader. He was the only one who looked like he knew what he was doing. When Logan put on this voice, the boys had no choice but to follow his command. You couldn't argue with him.

Carlos edged away, heading for the parking lot in slow steps. He paused when he noticed James and Kendall were just staring at each other, as if they were waiting to see who would blink first.

"Now!"

Logan walked firmly in between the pair of feuding teens, breaking their trance as he dug his keys out of his pocket. He glanced over his shoulder, making sure that Kendall and James were following, and smiled warmly at Carlos, who seemed grateful for the small gesture. Opening the driver's door, Logan nodded for the Latino to get into the back so that the other two wouldn't have to sit next to each other. Neither one of them stopped scowling until they had to climb into the car.

James and Carlos were abandoning their dates without an explanation, but there was way more on the line than a few hurt feelings. Their unbreakable group of four was cracking at the foundation, and it wouldn't survive without immediate repair.

* * *

"Why do we have all of our important talks in bedrooms?" Carlos wondered innocently, speaking his thoughts aloud and referring to the first discussion in Kendall's room after he got drunk and the night of Sage and Kendall's anniversary when the boy stumbled into Logan's bedroom crying.

"Would you rather take this to the basement?" Logan asked with a small smirk at the innocent boy, bringing up the intense conversation they all had with the Knight family over the summer.

"No, I'm comfy…" Carlos grinned and explained himself nonchalantly, settling into the pillows on top of Logan's full-sized mattress with his back against the headboard.

He and Logan knew that they were about to be the mediators of Kendall and James' fight. The angry pair had stopped glaring on the ride there, and they were avoiding each other at all costs now. They stood awkwardly at the center of the room, not noticing as Logan shut the door behind them, grateful, for once, that his mother was out of town and he was home alone.

"Sit, please," he instructed softly, watching as Kendall complied immediately.

The blonde's movements were sluggish, but he made it to the bed and plopped down. He folded one leg beneath him so that he was sideways and able to see Carlos clearly. James hesitated, biting the inside of his cheek, before he finally stepped sideways and positioned himself in the chair at Logan's desk. He wheeled it over to the wall beside the bed and in front of Kendall. Logan sat on top of the clean desk, all of his papers and books having been tucked neatly away on shelves and in drawers.

"You guys have to work this out," Carlos demanded, his voice low and strained as he brought a pillow into his lap and played with the edges of the fabric absentmindedly.

"Everything will be fine after James apologizes," Kendall said sternly, leaning his hands back on the mattress beneath him and roaming his gaze over the boy in the chair in front of him.

"I'm not going to be sorry for trying to help you," James insisted firmly, shaking his head as he looked right into Kendall's eyes, truly believing that he was doing what was best.

"How does you forcing me to cheat on my girlfriend help me?" Kendall yelled in disbelief, raising his voice once again.

"I just thought you deserved to have a good time!" James shouted in frustration, his anger fading fast and being replaced by misery. He thought he was doing a good deed, and it all blew up in his face. "I know you like dating and relationships, and Ashley seemed nice enough. She turned me down, so I figured she'd be perfect for you," he was calming down and talking hopefully, his tone verging on apologetic as he tried to explain his reasoning.

"It's like he only listens to half of what I say," Kendall chuckled darkly, looking to Carlos and Logan for support and hoping that he wasn't the only one seeing how crazy James was sounding. "I don't **_like_** dating. I'm in a relationship with Sage, and **_only_ **Sage. My happiness has nothing to do with random girls. I'm not **_you_**," he had started softly, but his bitterness crept in as his eyes bore into the confusing brunette. He knew that he took pride in being a ladies' man, but he wasn't sure if James knew that others weren't the same as him.

James flinched a little at the scathing words, shifting in his seat as if someone jabbed a needle into his stomach.

"Let's stick to the main issue," Logan suggested, receiving an approving nod from Carlos.

"The main issue is that Kendall hates me," James declared simply, making it sound like it was a fact.

He knew how much Kendall wanted to hurt him right now, and James had never witnessed a fight like this end in friendship. His parents argued to the point of throwing things at each other during his whole childhood, and those brawls only ever resulted in hate and resentment. He hurt Kendall, and this seemed like his punishment.

"I don't hate you at all!" Kendall yelled suddenly, thinking that the statement was absurd. He was more shocked than angry now. Seeing the resignation on his best friend's face hurt more than anything. "If I hated you, I wouldn't be sitting here. I would have punched you across the face and left your ass at school. I love you, James," he insisted honestly, looking right at the boy as he said it.

James recovered quickly with a blink of his eyes, but, inside, his heart stopped at the declaration. He never hears that he's loved, and, from one of his brothers, it means everything to him. He needed to be reminded that people counted on him and looked up to him. He wasn't alone and only fending for himself, even if his parents made him feel like it. It got confusing every once in a while, and the lines blurred between the real James and the James that theatrically strolled around town and school; the James that only cared about girls and entertainment. That was all a show, and he forgot about that sometimes; forgot that he didn't need a character to live with Kendall, Carlos, and Logan.

Kendall was too worked up and emotional to notice James' epiphany and kept talking. His words weren't so angry anymore, but they were still laced with bitterness.

"But you don't get the concept of 'love', do you?" he shook his head, his posture slackening in acceptance.

He knew it all along, but he forgot that James wasn't like Carlos or Logan. Carlos had the perfect role models for a loving relationship with Eduardo and Adriana Garcia, and Logan may not have had the best parents for most of his life, but they were in love once, and having such supportive friends and family around him made him realize the power of relationships. The people in your life are what matter the most, and James only had Logan and Carlos for the last several years. His network of support was too small. Kendall thought he needed the boys, but they needed him too.

"I don't. I already told you that in the summer," James exclaimed in a whine, getting tired of talking about the only social aspect of life that eluded him. "Giving your whole heart to someone, and trusting them not to shatter it, makes no sense. We're too vulnerable for that…"

"Yeah, we are…" Kendall nodded with a gentle smile, knowing just how much love can hurt you but also how much it completes you, "… but that's the point. You have to jump off a cliff and expect them to catch you, and it's scary as hell. Deciding to listen to my heart instead of my head and loving Sage was one of the most terrifying things I've ever done, but it's about trust," he explained slowly, keeping his smile the entire time to show James that, despite the fearful words, the outcome was worth it. Kendall was proof of that.

Love destroyed him and fixed him. It drove everything.

"Do you trust me, James?" he asked, leaning forward with interest and watching as Carlos and Logan did the same.

"Yes, of course I do," the brunette answered easily, like any other option was absurd.

"And you trust Logan and Carlos?" Kendall went further, receiving a vigorous nod as a response, the others still not sure where he was going with this. "Then that's it. You love us and we love you. It's so simple," he declared happily, his tone staying soft.

James almost looked as if he was going to agree, but he wiped away the tears forming in his eyes, feeling on display and vulnerable. He was used to being the center of attention, but it was always for something under his control. Now, he was being looked at carefully and genuinely. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan actually cared about him.

"It's not that easy. It's different with you guys. You've **_always_** been here. You're family. It's not even an option… but actually **_choosing_** a girl to keep in my life-"

James shook his head, not wanting to finish the sentence. Commitment was frightening to him. In his experiences, the people you willingly let in always let you down. His parents were fine for so many years, but then the problems started rolling in and they couldn't deal with it and turned on each other. It was easier for him to keep all of the control. He makes his relationships with females only about himself and gratification. He keeps it simple. Simplicity is the farthest he can get from utter destruction and complication.

What James doesn't realize, is that he's already so close to accepting love. He puts his all into his family of brothers, but he can't see himself doing that with an outsider. He's never learned or tried to do it, and he doesn't want to bother.

"I know. I'm not asking you to fall in love or find a girlfriend, James," Kendall relented cautiously, seeing the boy's racing thoughts and fears play in his eyes. "I just want you to know that we're here, and I want you to know that I'm not like you. I have Sage, and she's all I want. Can you understand that for me? Can you respect that?"

Kendall had a feeling that there wouldn't be anymore problems, but he needed confirmation from James. He wanted nothing more than for his resistant friend to believe in the idea of love, but it wasn't going to happen right now. James was so far from giving in, but he was right on the line of acceptance. Even if he agreed, he would still do what he's been doing. Kendall knew it. Logan and Carlos knew it too, but now things would be out in the open. James was on a path of self-destruction, but he had to agree not to pull any of them along for the ride, and, in return, they'll agree to pick him up when he falls. It's what best friends do.

"Yeah, I can do that. I'm so sorry about Ashley… I wasn't really thinking it through, I guess," James admitted sheepishly, grinding his jaw out of annoyance at himself.

He hadn't noticed that he was thinking about himself and not Kendall. He thought about what he would want in that situation and not about what would be best for his friend. Kendall was right when he said he wasn't like him, and James was starting to realize that too. None of the guys were like him, but that's also what made them a perfect team. They were all different and brought unusual characteristics to the table. When they were all put together, they made one indestructible unit.

"Thanks for apologizing," Kendall smirked, all of the tension easing out of the room, "I shouldn't have shoved you, but I'm not gonna let you keep getting away with murder. It may work for Chris," he paused, watching Carlos smile and Logan roll his eyes at the mention of James' less-than-responsible father, "but it's not gonna fly with us. We don't think your one-night stands are cool. We can't make you stop, but you can't keep thinking that it's normal-"

"Or healthy," Logan interjected sternly. James raised his eyebrows in surprise at the boy's sudden addition. He wasn't frustrated anymore and, instead, painted on his usual teasing expression when he addressed Logan.

"You wanna talk about healthy? What should we call your passive aggressive sarcasm?" James inquired, folding his arms over his toned chest and looking expectantly at the boy on the desk.

"What? I'm not passive aggressive," Logan laughed weakly, swinging his legs through the empty space beneath the furniture. Suddenly, all of the attention was on him.

"You hide too much, Logie. Kendall told us about Reese Hudson bullying you…." Carlos explained sadly, tossing the pillow he was holding to the floor. "You didn't let us in… We could have helped…"

Both James and Carlos appeared instantly depressed at the mention of Logan's tormentor. From the moment that Kendall told them about what had been happening under their noses, they felt like they had failed their best friend. Logan always took care of them, but they wanted to watch out for him too. They had been taking Logan's intense, emotional strength for granted, but the skittish boy wouldn't always let them in easily either.

All four of them were quickly learning that there was no more hiding behind each other's faults and flaws. With Kendall back, every single one of them was vulnerable and on display, and they had to give in or get out, but none of them were about to turn their backs.

"It wasn't about you guys. I can handle myself…" Logan maintained feebly, his slumping shoulders saying all that he didn't. He was relieved when Kendall got Reese to back off because, in reality, he never stood up for himself. He only ever worried about the other guys' problems.

"So, you handle yourself by doing the kid's homework for three years?" Kendall chuckled breathlessly, knowing that even Logan thought that it was illogical.

"You're better than that, Logan," Carlos claimed proudly, smiling at the boy.

"That's the problem! You guys think I'm better than all of you. It's really not true, and it's a lot of fuckin' pressure to put on me! I'm just little Logan. I'm insecure, scared, and weak. I'm only strong when I'm with you…"

Kendall had heard the truth a few weeks before in school, but Carlos and James looked shocked at the outburst. Logan kept the emphasis off of himself intentionally. He always chose to focus on everyone else's problems instead, but, with Kendall added to the mix again, he couldn't conceal himself anymore. He pulled all of the insecurities and secrets in the group out from where they had been safely hidden behind jokes and banter.

"You don't have to be strong for us all the time, Logie. If anything, we're here so you can be weak… Right here, with us," Kendall paused to gesture to all four of them, "is where we can be whoever we want to be. There are no judgments. James doesn't understand me and Sage, but he agreed to respect it… If you get scared, even if you want to talk about your dad," he paused again to watch Logan's reaction carefully. As usual, the boy looked away at the mention of Patrick Mitchell. Logan was always relatively open with the boys, but that's one thing he avoided like the plague. Kendall, Carlos, and James silently agreed that it would be a conversation for another time, when Logan was ready. "We'll be here, so lay it on us." He finished cheerfully, opening his arms wide as if welcoming a battle. Carlos and James smiled, and, luckily, Logan laughed.

"I'll keep that in mind," Logan declared genuinely, relaxing as he leaned back on top of the desk to rest his head against the wall. "Well, I think there's only one thing left to do before we can bring this stressful, impromptu meeting to an end..." he trailed off with a hesitant grin, receiving a nod from James and Kendall.

"What's that? Are we getting pizza? 'Cause we kinda ran out of the dance before I could eat anything," Carlos announced, rubbing the fabric of his pink shirt over his stomach.

"No, Carlitos, we need to talk about your problems too," Kendall explained further, watching as the boy pouted.

"I don't have problems! I'm fine. I'm always fine…" he professed giddily, sliding down the bed so that he was closer to Kendall and the others, not really understanding the weight of the situation. He preferred to pretend that the world was made of puppies and rainbows.

"That's what I'm talking about. You always act like you're okay, but you can't be good all the time. You never do anything for yourself," Kendall insisted. Carlos rolled his eyes when he noticed James and Logan agreeing with Kendall.

Carlos tried to avoid rocking the boat whenever he could, in fear of causing waves. He was easygoing to a fault, somehow managing to damage himself in the long run. Giving in to everything with a smile is the best way to get trampled on. He relied on the others to take care of him, and, as a result, he lost confidence in himself.

"Did you want to go to the dance with Roselynn Morris?" James redirected the conversation when he saw his friend floundering for words, giving them one thing to focus on: Carlos' lack of the ability to ask for what he wants. He always surrendered all of his power when it came to James. He let him control their social lives without a negative word.

"I never said that…" Carlos whined, not wanting to make James think he did something wrong.

"You shouldn't have had to," James relented, giving his best friend a silent apology with a soft smile and taking the blame. That was already an improvement. It was rare for the popular boy to admit he was wrong. "I'm gonna help you ask her out on Monday," he declared with a smirk, his mind seeming to wander as he thought about all of the possible ways he could get his friend and the sweet cheerleader together.

"But, if I start seeing her, I won't be able to go on double dates with you or be your wingman anymore," Carlos reminded him solemnly. He had thought about having a girlfriend like Roselynn so many times before, but his considerations always went back to James. He was sure that the boy would be upset if Carlos didn't party with him anymore.

"That doesn't matter! If Kendall wants to be a one-girl kind of guy, then you can too. I love him no matter what, and the same goes for you and Logan… who won't date at all, by the way…" James sounded determined in his answer, receiving a thrilled smile from Kendall when he showed that he had learned his lesson. There was still hope for James.

Logan caught onto James' little jab at the end of his speech and frowned dramatically.

"I have way more important things to do than worry about girls," he insisted as the others smirked at him, knowing that his own fears were the only thing keeping him from approaching girls.

"Like what? Curing cancer? Solving world hunger? Finishing your science homework?" Kendall goaded him lightly, stretching his legs across the bottom of the bed.

"No, keeping you lunatics from killing each other…" Logan rolled his eyes with an easy laugh and jumped off of the desk. James and Kendall just shook their heads and shared a knowing look of understanding and acceptance. Things were out in the open now, and they were starting fresh, knowing who each of them were and where they stood; keeping a mutual respect for one another's decisions.

"Pizza time?" Carlos asked excitedly, rising up to his knees on the bed with a hopeful look in Logan's direction.

"Pizza time!" James answered for Logan, happily running over to wait for his friend to climb off of the mattress and run downstairs with him to get the menu.

Carlos scrambled over Kendall's legs with abandon, making the blonde groan and laugh at the pain on his shins. Logan helped him up and they followed the rowdy pair downstairs. All four of them laughed easily, each of their problems were now exposed because of their willingness to keep themselves together.

Kendall loved it when everything was so simple. Unlike Sage, the boys were right in front of him, and the solutions were only a conversation away. He still had no idea where his girlfriend was right now, but he hoped that happiness would come just as easy when they were reunited.

* * *

**A/N: We got some fun and family drama coming in the next chapter ;D Oh, and I've said it many chapters ago, but I'll repeat it now. There WILL be Hollywood, Gustavo, Kelly, etc. in this. :D We're just working our way up to it ;) The show's storyline will be similar when we get there, but with many changes because they are 18, not 16, and they've been through different things (obviously lol) but, Yup! "Big Time Rush" will exist, and I'm really excited for the plans I've got ;D **

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I LOVE new people :D Say hi. I don't bite ;) **


	24. Big Time Pity Party

**A/N: A fun and angsty chapter: D (with WAY more future angst to come)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**Check out: **_Surfergal23_**'s fantastic story Hooked.  
**

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 24: BIG TIME PITY PARTY_

* * *

"This is a terrible idea," Logan sighed, shaking his head sluggishly and keeping his eyes glued to his artistic friend.

"You already said that… four times… Just hand me the black," Carlos called out cheerfully, shrugging off Logan's skepticism.

"He's almost finished. Why are you bitchin' about it now?" James giggled and stepped in front of Logan to grab the spray-paint when the boy ignored the Latino's request with crossed arms. Moving forward and lifting his hand up, James passed the can to Carlos, who was currently standing on a series of crates to reach the top of his large canvas, which wasn't actually made for painting.

"I'm bitching _**because**_ he's almost done. We can't take this back!" Logan gestured to the large, almost completed mural in front of them, where Carlos was adding the final touches with the black paint can in his dirtied hands.

James tossed him a tattered rag to clean up the large smears on his skin, working as the artist's assistant with enthusiasm. Carlos shook the can vigorously in his hand until the ball bearing inside made the desired clinking sound and he knew the paint would come out smoother. The illustrator put half of his concentration into the conversation behind him, but the other half was focused entirely on his art. He had a look of confidence and maturity as he surveyed his work, seeming to ponder what else was needed in the space and trying to make the components the best he could. When Carlos worked on his art, he became a calmer person. The boy's energy was turned inward and refocused to pour into his imagery. It was amazing to watch him create all of his pieces, even if they were on a brick wall.

"That's kinda the point, Logan. This is supposed to be permanent," Kendall smiled reassuringly, taking the stressed boy by the shoulders and guiding him to the wall on the opposite side of Carlos and James to sit down on the cold pavement beneath them.

"Yeah, it'll be permanent alright…. Permanently all over my permanent frickin' record," Logan mumbled, letting his friend shove him gently into a sitting position.

"Come on, you gotta admit, this is pretty awesome," Kendall smirked, sinking down next to the scowling teen and gesturing up to the wall in front of them.

Logan stayed quiet because, if he had to speak, he probably would confess that he liked it. Carlos always had a remarkable talent for illustration and composition.

It was the Friday right after Thanksgiving, and the school was closed for a long weekend, but the boys still found themselves there in the middle of the day. The wind blew swiftly through the alley they sat in, curving around the dumpsters and random metal containers that held some of the janitors' supplies. The end of autumn was approaching with frigid air, but there was still nearly a full month before winter actually arrived. The boys' were dressed in warmer clothes, but nothing too heavy. They were all born and raised in the area and had grown accustomed to the harsher weather. It didn't bother them much that it was cold enough to see their breath clouding in front of their faces.

Logan complained about the situation at hand, but he had known they were going to do this for the last few days. It had been mainly James and Carlos' idea, but Kendall fell right into line, which forced Logan to follow along behind them with a pout.

They were tagging the school. James liked to call it "making their mark", the ambitious brunette always hoping to be remembered for something. They were seniors now, and, as the year progressed, they all craved the opportunity to make more and more memories with one another. Even though Logan protested the act, he was mostly doing it because it was just how they worked. Carlos and James often started some sort of adventure, Kendall either agreed or rejected it, and Logan fought the ridiculous idea almost the whole way through. It was their routine, and, even though it was stressful to the most logical individual of the group, he secretly loved their dynamic.

"They're just gonna wash it off or cover it up," Logan insisted halfheartedly, most of the fight dying as his eyes scanned the image in front of him with his bottom lip caught between his teeth and a fascinated expression.

Carlos had been painting for almost two hours, which was rather quick for the young artist. The mural he had created was wonderfully done. A depiction of the four boys decorated the brick wall of the high school. It was somewhat hidden from public view, not being on the front of the building, but Logan had originally suggested the space when they were sure that it getting erased before the following Monday would be inevitable, and no one would ever see it. The composition was full and dynamic, and the size of the painting was nearly the actual width of the boys' when they stood side by side in reality. On the wall, they were all in their hockey jerseys. Carlos wore his helmet, just as he did while he painted the mural, and Logan carried his. The James and Kendall in the painting both held their hockey sticks, and the whole quartet looked as if they could walk right off of the bricks and onto the pavement the actual boys stood on.

The image was stylized. While it depicted them well, it was still in a unique style that was all Carlos' own. It closely resembled a drawing from a comic book. The lines were dramatic and heavy, and he filled in the spaces with all of the appropriate colors, which he had stocked up on long ago with the rest of his art supplies. He sprayed the paint over the surface of the wall like he didn't even need to think about what he was doing, but Logan knew better. He recognized the look of concentration well, having plastered it upon his own face most of the time, and he admired the expression on Carlos' face, where it hardly ever ended up unless he was working on his art.

"It doesn't really matter if they get rid of it in a week or so. We'll know it was here. We'll always be right here whether people see it or not," Carlos spoke sentimentally, a small smile gracing his features as he ran his hand over an area of the mural that was dry. His index finger brushed thoughtfully over his jersey in the painting.

"It's like carving our name into a tree…" James commented, his own expression calm as he smiled at the permanent picture of the four of them on the wall of their school. Kendall nodded slowly beside Logan, who seemed to be the only one thinking of the future and not the past.

"Why couldn't we just do that?" the brunette's voice rose to a higher octave, looking around their immediate area for a tree, as if he thought that the boys believed there were none on the property to use instead.

"This is way cooler," Kendall claimed with another smirk, tilting his head to the side and looking right at Logan, seeming to think that the gesture would convince his skittish friend.

"This is also illegal," Logan reminded them with a smug grin, raising his eyebrows with a strict tone that was laced with amusement. He was mostly arguing for the sake of keeping the banter going and no longer cared much about the actual debate. The criminal deed was already done anyway.

"Come on, Logie," Carlos chirped happily, pausing to hop off of the crates, and began to gather his supplies with James' help, "I can't do any real time for graffiti. You taught me that," he sounded like he thought Logan was being silly and ignored the boy's grimace as he continued picking up random cans and putting them in the cardboard box James held.

Kendall stood up with a chuckle and offered his hand out to Logan, who accepted it with a frustrated groan and rose to his feet. James and Carlos were in their own little world. The shorter boy wiped more paint from his hands, while their appearance-conscious friend slowly swayed away from Carlos, hoping that no damaging colors would get on his carefully selected clothes.

"Why didn't I just tell him that _**all**_ crimes are punishable by the death penalty? It would have been so much easier… I blame myself, really," Logan spoke to the sky, not actually caring if anyone was listening, but Kendall laughed beside him.

"Everything's fine. It's over and done with, and it's perfect. We can leave now, and you can de-bunch your panties," Kendall teased him lightly, knocking his shoulder into the shorter boy's. Logan didn't look amused at his comment, but he did grin when he thought of something they hadn't.

"Well, what are you geniuses gonna say when we get called to Principal Andron's office because it's a painting of _**us**_?" the brunette put his palms out in front of him and circled them within the group slowly to emphasize his point.

"We got it covered," James chimed in, winking smugly as he shifted the box of supplies in his arms so that it settled more comfortably on his abdomen.

"Yeah. Carlitos, show him what we practiced," Kendall smiled and tugged his gray beanie down to rest securely over his cold ears. He then shoved his hands into his back pockets as he rocked on his heels and watched their helmet-wearing friend with excitement in his eyes.

"Okay!"

Carlos giggled enthusiastically, wiggling his shoulders up and down in delight as he moved his eyes to focus on a random point above his head. He bit his lip and then suddenly donned an expression of pure innocence and confusion. His mouth turned down in a subtle pout while his eyebrows knitted together.

"I don't have a _**clue**_ as to who would do something like this, Principal Andron, but I'm sure they didn't mean any harm. They probably just wanted to memorialize the hockey team. We _**have **_done great things for the school's reputation lately…" Carlos' dramatic face changed into one of joy as his attention landed back on his friends, "… See? I'm totally convincing!"

Logan rolled his eyes and couldn't stop the chuckle that passed his lips. If he wasn't feeling so argumentative, he'd probably admit that the Latino was pretty compelling.

"Who taught you the word 'memorialize'?" Logan's posture slouched, but he kept a smile as he bypassed James altogether to stare knowingly at Kendall, who waved sheepishly as an admission to the deed. "Principal Andron isn't going to believe you. He calls you 'The Mischief Maker'…" the responsible teen insisted haughtily.

James hummed in disagreement, shaking his head vigorously, while he repositioned the box again. He stepped right up to Carlos, holding the cardboard with only one arm and throwing the other over his buddy's shoulders. Pulling the shorter brunette into his body with a dramatic seriousness, James spoke directly to Logan.

"But he also has the eyes of a newborn puppy," he reminded him in an eager whisper, wearing a humorous face of determination as he waved his fingers in front of Carlos' head.

Logan huffed out another heavy breath, wrapping his forearms over his chest and pressing them tightly against his body to fight off the wind that started to pick up. Looking towards Kendall for back up, hoping that someone else would think the pair was being ridiculous, the blonde only gave him a nod of his head and an enthusiastic gesture towards Carlos, who was wearing the best expression of innocence that he could manage.

"Alright, you're adorable. Can we go somewhere warm now? This conversation is obviously getting me nowhere," Logan declared loudly, taking the initiative to lead them out of the alley.

"Okay, new topic of discussion: tonight's party!" James cried out, cheering at the end of his sentence with Carlos copying his actions by his side.

"What party?" Logan wondered, watching the sidewalk moving beneath his feet as Kendall fell into step on his left, and James and Carlos moved to his right. It didn't surprise him much that James was excited for a celebration, but he didn't like were this idea was going at all; not on a day like this one.

Today was November 26th, Logan's eighteenth birthday, and he didn't want any fuss whatsoever.

"The one we're throwing tonight," Carlos clarified, smirking with his eyes darting to Logan. He waved his hand at their whole group.

"You guys think that _**I'm**_ going to be involved with having a party?" Logan asked, fighting to keep his voice level until he got more information and knowing that he never agreed to this. So far, he'd rather go back to arguing about graffiti.

"Well, Bestest Friend, 'we' usually means _**all**_ of us," Kendall insisted in an overly sweet voice, trying to beg him not to fight it, and Logan almost looked as if he was going to comply.

All four of them moved completely off of school grounds at the back of the property. None of them had driven, thinking that seeing a single car in the lot would make people suspicious. They had walked the whole way, despite the chilly weather, and now they slipped through a narrow path in the woods so that they could head back to the Mitchells' home, where they had all stayed over the night before.

Logan's mother was away on another trip for work, proclaiming that she wouldn't be able to come back until the day after her son's birthday and her case for a lawsuit on a major beverage company was resolved. Logan hadn't even gotten the information on who the client actually was, Laura always keeping her conversations brief over the phone even though she never saw him much at all. She spent more of the year out of state than she did at home. Logan was left alone over Thanksgiving and was forced, but welcomed with open arms, into the Knights' house for the holiday. Knowing that their best friend was all by himself, the boys suggested a sleepover at his house after Thanksgiving dinner.

"When did you guys even have time to plan this?" Logan wondered, dodging a tree root sticking out in front of his feet as he tried to lock his skeptical eyes on each of his friends'. He didn't bother with denying his future involvement with the party. With Kendall already on the bandwagon, he was almost absolutely sure that he'd end up agreeing too.

"We let you, the birthday boy, sleep in this morning, and, when Carlos was on his third attempt at making pancakes, I brought up the idea of throwing a party," James explained simply, even the oddest of tales coming out like an average checklist when he told them. He always managed to hit the major points and leave out all of the details that would spare Logan some confusion.

"But I told you that I don't _**like**_ to celebrate my birthday…" Logan suddenly felt small, thinking he may be forced into something that he was unable to fight against.

"We know, Logie, and we promise that none of the spotlight will be on you. Your birthday just happened to coincide with the perfect day for a party. No one there will even know about it other than us," Kendall assured him with a gentle smile and a quick nod of his head. Logan instantly relaxed, knowing that, out of all of them, Kendall would never lie to him.

"So, we're just gonna whip up a party out of nowhere?" Logan inquired cynically, looking directly at James as they reached a larger clearing in the woods and the wind stopped blowing so harshly.

"I'm James Diamond. All I need is my amazing brain, and a party will practically just appear right in front of our eyes…. That, and I also have a house and a few people helping us out," the tall brunette added the last part rapidly, smirking as he quickened his pace with a hop in his step, forcing the others to follow after the suddenly peppy teen.

"You live in a condo… Where are you-?"

Logan's millionth question of the day was stopped abruptly when James made it to the sidewalk at the edge of the forest and strengthened his smug expression. Keeping the box under one arm, he dug into his pocket with his free hand and slipped out a key chain. He jingled it happily in Logan's annoyed face, and then twirled it around on one finger.

"He got the keys to one of his mom's houses," Carlos answered for his friend, leaning into Logan as if he was telling a secret, but his whisper was basically a squeal of delight.

"It's in the new development she's been assigned. It's large, furnished, and, best of all, it's remote," Kendall added enthusiastically.

Logan grimaced, entirely positive that James' mother, Sandra, wouldn't approve of this plan at all. However, like Logan, she had very little control over her son. He only spent every other weekend with her, and, when he was there, he disagreed with nearly everything she said simply for the sake of arguing. James was easygoing to a fault but never with his mother. It was obvious to everyone, including the recently arrived Kendall, that he often disrespected her authority, and, even now, James was using her successful real estate career to his advantage.

"And you're absolutely sure that we won't get caught?" Logan questioned further, clenching his lower lip between his teeth and watching them all for guidance. He normally would have fought harder, but it was his birthday, and, deep down, he knew it couldn't hurt him to have a little fun for once. He was officially an adult, and the days left of his childhood felt like they were sprinting away.

"Whoa! Wait just a minute," James' mouth fell open, only shutting to settle into a satisfied grin as he halted his movements on the sidewalk again. "Are you actually going along with this? No, 'You guys are idiots', 'You're gonna get me in trouble', or my personal favorite, 'I gotta get new friends'?" James mocked the smart boy's characteristic, exasperated tone with a glance of caution at Kendall and Carlos, who both appeared doubtful as well. All eyes turned to Logan.

"It's senior year, right? And you dumbasses are always telling me that we only live once…" Logan rambled, seeming to be thinking with a faraway look before settling back onto his waiting friends' stares with one corner of his lips turned up into a lopsided smile, "So, let's make it count."

"Yes!" the three ecstatic boys cheered and shoved Logan excitedly, causing the boy to chuckle as he dodged them and ran across the deserted street towards his house.

"I promise I won't let you down, Logan. I got everything covered. Everything's gonna be awesome," James vowed confidently, looking as if he really wanted the boy's approval.

Logan responded with a small shift of his eyes, wanting to see it before he believed it. He knew that James meant what he said, but he also knew that none of them could tell what the night would bring. They were all pretty certain that it would be eventful and entertaining, but, with this group, nothing is ever guaranteed to go as planned.

* * *

"Wow, there are a few more people here than I expected," James admitted sheepishly, trying to seem unfazed by the packed rooms around them.

The four boys had united and put the impromptu party together all afternoon. They used their honed teamwork skills to their advantage; each boy filling in the gaps where the others couldn't. Carlos handled the music, James took care of the advertising and contacting the right people to get alcohol, Logan kept them all on track and organized so it wouldn't turn into a disaster, and Kendall stood as the unofficial leader when he was sure things were going to spiral out of control, especially when the tallest member of their team would freak out. It was a joint effort, but James was the one who had the most invested in it. His best friends were mostly along for the ride and support.

To the socially-conscious adolescent, this party was one of his first introductions as a top senior at their school. Logan, Kendall, and Carlos couldn't care less about the hierarchy that James insisted was in existence, but they knew it was important to their friend, and that was good enough for them to help him make one of his dreams come true. James wanted to be noticed. He wanted to be loved and admired for who he was by as many people as he could suck in. In his eyes, this party was the start of a long life of celebration and appearances, all of which mattered dearly to him. Even when his brothers were sure he was over reacting, they knew he believed in social status above all things. For a guy so resistant to relationships, he seemed to value what everyone around him thought more than anything.

"Just a few, huh?" Kendall rolled his eyes, surveying the crowd with a mixture of shock and amusement.

There were dozens and dozens of people, containing both their peers and "friends of friends". The recently built home was large, but it felt suffocating with the overwhelming amount of bodies crammed inside. A few of the people were outside on the deck overlooking the vast backyard, but the majority stayed inside because of the icy pre-winter, night air.

"You have got to be kidding me! This shit is like the perfect storm, James. The tension is going to build and build until we experience a literal hell in here!" Logan was on his eighth breakdown of the evening, watching the teenagers around him with terrified eyes.

The group was acting rowdy and promiscuous like they had at last month's dance only, this time, there was alcohol added to the mix. Random people grinded against one another, moving to the beat of the music pumping through the home's impressive sound system, and the entire building was filled with the added noise of laughing and yelling partygoers; all emotions being fueled by the consumption of booze, which Logan was sure would only end in disaster. When the usual parties were held in the woods at the edge of Sherwood, no one had to worry about blame, but the boys were directly responsible for this get together, and James insisted that's what made it better. They would make a name for themselves among their classmates, and James wanted this gathering to be special and memorable. So far, the location had won over the crowd, but, if you asked Logan, he'd say that it was more dangerous than the alternative of a bonfire in the forest.

"Calm down, Logie. It hasn't even been thirty minutes yet. You're gonna give yourself an ulcer," Carlos spoke soothingly, patting his worried friend's back reassuringly and giving his shoulder a squeeze until Logan removed his own hand from where it fisted his hair too tightly. He took a calming breath.

"Okay, you're right. I'm overreacting- Holy crap, more people!" Logan whined loudly, having the perfect viewpoint from where they all stood in the dining room to see the foyer.

About ten more kids piled through the front door, each of them holding cases of beer in their hands and entering the larger cluster of people flooding the main living area. Not only did they bring more alcohol, which instantly had Logan worried, but they also brought more energy. The males and females entered the house like they owned the place, cheering loudly and stepping to the center of the disorderly teens.

"Should we get rid of them?" Carlos asked, his voice rising over the music as the song changed to one with a coarser rhythm. He glanced between Kendall and James, thinking that Logan wouldn't know what to say.

"I'll get 'em to leave," Logan declared unexpectedly, choosing his frustration over fear, which only surprised his friends momentarily. They had grown accustomed to his shifting moods. Depending on the situation, he was either frightened to the point of running to Kendall for help, or he was annoyed enough to take control and raise his voice.

Logan stepped forward with an expression of fierce determination.

"Whoa!" James yelled, grabbing onto the angry boy's arm and spinning him around. "First of all, you're gonna get hurt," he insisted, giving his small friend a direct look until he saw Logan relent, admitting he was right. Most of the new additions to the party were pretty intimidating. "Second of all, the biggest party foul ever is killing the buzz, and you showing happy people the door is only going to upset the crowd," James added, pulling Logan towards him and gesturing dramatically to the teens around them. Kendall and Carlos appeared to agree with their party planning friend, but Logan didn't want to give in so easily.

"The _**crowd**_ is composed of _**guests**_, who can also easily be kicked out. This isn't a show, James. We have to stay in control!" he pounded out his last words quickly and firmly, treating it like an order.

"We are totally in control. It's just a few extra bodies. We can deal," James maintained, waving a dismissive hand through the air. Logan relaxed, despite his throbbing head.

"I'm gonna regret this…" Logan moaned and rubbed his temples, feeling as if he couldn't argue anymore, and decided to let James take the lead from then on.

"Calm down, Man. James is right," Kendall hugged Logan against him briefly, pausing when he realized the rarity of his words. He shook his head and shifted his concentration back onto the anxious boy, "You worry too much. Everything is going to be fine," he reassured him in only a way he could, with a confident smile and posture, and Logan reluctantly nodded.

"Great!" Carlos chimed in enthusiastically, his overly excited voice causing his three friends to stare at him suspiciously. He grinned and softened his stance, "So, if we're good here, can I go be with my girlfriend?" Carlos begged hopefully.

Roselynn Morris, the boy's longtime crush, had quickly transformed into his first girlfriend when the guys made good on their promise to help him gain the confidence to ask her out. They had been friends for most of high school, and Roselynn easily accepted the transition into dating when the boys literally shoved Carlos in front of her and held him still with his arms behind his back until he spit out the words he had been practicing the entire weekend after the dance. He was accepted with a brilliant smile and a hug. They had kept their relationship simple and monogamous, going on casual dates when school didn't get in the way, which Roselynn always made sure of. The first new thing Carlos learned about her was how ambitious the girl was. She focused on her classwork and participation with the high school's extracurricular activities, cheerleading and student council being her main areas of focus.

Carlos waved at her from across the room, where she stood with a few of the members of her squad. They chatted and swayed occasionally to the music. When Roselynn caught her boyfriend's attention, she broke away from her conversation to smile gleefully at him and return the wave with enthusiasm.

"Go be with your girl, Carlitos. James and I are gonna check out a few things in the kitchen. Logan, you just keep… scowling… Yeah, you got that covered," Kendall chuckled, looking over to the irritated boy. He was completely still, standing with his arms crossed and his eyes glaring daggers into anyone and everyone that threatened to take their fun too far.

* * *

Nearly an hour later, the party was in full swing. Carlos had disappeared with Roselynn, Logan wandered through the crowd with watchful glares, and Kendall and James found themselves in and out of the kitchen restocking snacks and supplies several times.

James flirted with a few girls, chatted with a couple of jocks, and then stepped into the kitchen with an empty bowl. The room was mostly vacant, but there were a few stray people. Kendall was talking to a tipsy girl in the corner, smiling gently as he guided her to the nearest bathroom. She opened the door and closed it with a giggle, and both Kendall and James had no doubt she was going to be losing her happy demeanor in a second when the alcohol in her system forced out her dinner.

"Did you get her number?" James joked, smirking and wiggling his eyebrows as he placed the bowl on the countertop and Kendall approached.

"Very mature," the blonde rolled his eyes and jumped on top of the island in the center of the room next to where James was leaning his lower back against the sink.

"You should consider becoming my wingman," James suggested, almost sounding serious, as he stepped forward, ripped a bag of chips open, and dumped them into the bowl.

"Why would I do something stupid like that?" Kendall laughed, stealing a chip to snack on.

"Come on, girls love the brooding guy, and you've definitely got this angsty vibe going. I need a new partner. Logan never ever dates, and Carlos is tied down- "

"I'm tied down too," Kendall reminded the rambling boy quickly, shooting him a warning stare, which was well received.

With one tilt of James' head and a deepening of his smirk, Kendall knew that he was just messing around. The often inappropriate boy had really altered his behavior when it came to his friends after what had happened over a month ago at the dance. He tried to improve himself in general by paying more attention to Logan and Carlos' needs, but no one could ask for miracles. What mattered the most was that he wanted to be good to them. He respected Kendall now, and understood his love with Sage, even if he was sure that he would never experience anything like it for himself. He knew how important keeping Sage in mind was to his best friend, so he made it important to him too.

"Duh, but Sage isn't gonna be around for a while, and I would just need you to _**look**_ available and fragile to bring 'em in. I bet Sage wouldn't mind it if you helped out a friend," James laughed at the ridiculous sound of his own banter, knowing how absurd it was.

Kendall smiled, loving how he could be normal around James, and even bring up Sage, without thinking the boy would get upset or inappropriately crude. He also enjoyed the fact that James changed the way he spoke about her. At the dance, he had acted like she may never come back or thought that she didn't matter if she wasn't right in front of them, but, now, he spoke about Sage like her return to Kendall was inevitable.

"Yeah, I'm sure it's gonna be her lifelong goal to help you get into the female populations' pants," Kendall muttered, smiling widely at his sly friend as he hopped off of the counter and stood in front of him. "So, is this party everything you need it to be?" he shifted the focus of the conversation, knowing that James would prefer to talk about him, but also wondering about the real reasons behind the brunette's desperation for this party.

"It's good so far. Everyone's enjoying themselves…" James shrugged, not too interested in the depth of the question, as he kicked a few garbage bags that had started to pile up on the floor so that they weren't in anyone's direct path.

"Are _**you **_having fun?" Kendall asked, his tone staying light, but his eyes were searching for a more honest answer.

"That doesn't matter as long as everyone else is. This is one of my final moments here, and I want to be remembered," James admitted, biting the inside of his cheek and looking up at Kendall.

All four of them knew that, without a doubt, James planned on moving to Los Angeles after graduation. His time for making a name for himself in his small town of Sherwood was running out. Here, he knew that success was very likely, but everything about California was still such a mystery to him. If he had to admit it, he'd say he was afraid, but James doesn't have to say anything. He can keep doing what he does best and pretend that he's got it all figured out.

"Don't worry. No one could ever forget James Diamond once they've met him," Kendall declared cheerfully. He wanted to brighten his friend's currently withdrawn mood, but he also reassured him of achievement in an unknown future. He spoke the truth, and sometimes James, no matter how much he claimed to love himself, needed to hear it.

"Thanks, Kend-" James' peppy demeanor was back, but his words were stopped when the sound of smashing glass was heard, followed by some cheering of the crowd outside of the kitchen. "Ugh, I gotta go see what they broke," he whined and pouted dramatically, shoving the bowl of chips into Kendall's hands. Grabbing a broom from the closet, he headed off into the direction of the noise.

Kendall smirked, admiring the boy's ability to bounce back quickly and refocus himself on the task at hand, but he still remained concerned with James' tendency to dodge important conversations. He wanted to live a full life so badly, but he left himself out of so many of the good parts of it.

* * *

Carlos' hand found its way into Roselynn's auburn hair, feeling the soft texture on his rough skin with a smile. His lips met hers, and the heat grew between them.

The new couple rested upstairs on a bed in one of the numerous rooms. None of the partiers were allowed on the second floor or the basement, but Carlos figured that, since he was one of the hosts and had helped make the rules, he was allowed to bend them a little bit. He and Roselynn had snuck up through one of the more remote staircases, wanting to get away from the packed, loud rooms. They chatted for a while, and it wasn't long before they found themselves involved in more. An occasion like this, one of complete privacy, had never presented itself before in their short relationship, and both of them were getting swept away quickly.

Roselynn sighed into her boyfriend's mouth gently when he squeezed her hip from his position beside her on the bed. Leaning even more into each other, she parted her lips when Carlos pressed his tongue forward to caress her own tentatively, not sure how the action would be received. The teenagers had made out before, but never in a bed, and Carlos wanted to give Roselynn every opportunity to pause or do something to let him know she was uncomfortable, but she only ever reciprocated each of his movements and relaxed against his touch. When Carlos slid his palm beneath her shirt to rest firmly on the tan skin of her lower back, Roselynn finally spoke up, but not in a way the boy would suspect.

"Do you want to sleep with me?" she asked the question suddenly, pulling back from their kiss to look at him with her breathing evening out and her hazel eyes darting curiously back and forth between his wide, brown ones.

"W-What? No!" Carlos sounded defensive and nervous. He hadn't anticipated being asked something like that, and he wasn't even sure if he knew the answer inside of his own head. Sure, he had fantasized about sex with his beautiful girlfriend, but he never let himself believe he could act on it.

"Calm down, Car. It's not a trick question," Roselynn giggled at his panic and soothed him with a soft rub to his strong shoulder. He relaxed with a hesitant grin, staring cautiously at his girlfriend. If he knew anything right now, he knew that she was almost as intelligent as Logan, and, if he was about to be messed with, he wouldn't really be able to see it coming because Roselynn had a wonderful way with words.

"Um… yes…." Carlos changed his answer, pulling his face back a bit farther to watch for the girl's reaction carefully.

"Listen, you're a really sweet guy, and-" Roselynn began eagerly, but her boyfriend cut her off before she had hardly begun, misreading the full intention of her words.

"Are you breaking up with me? That _**was**_ a trick question, wasn't it? Shit… Can I change my answer again?" Carlos freaked out, sitting up on the bed to hold his hands in the air in a symbol of surrender, begging her with his puppy-dog eyes to reconsider. He thought he had done something wrong, and he silently cursed himself for walking into the trap.

"No, shut up!" Roselynn laughed again, always amused by the boy's genuine energy, but she didn't want to see him get worked up. "I wasn't about to break up with you. At least, not yet…" her smiling ceased as she sat up and looked over to him with her own nervous expression.

"I don't understand," Carlos declared softly, scrunching his face in general confusion, but he stopped panicking.

The room fell completely silent as Roselynn thought and Carlos waited. In all of the years he had known her, Carlos had never seen her nervous. She was usually a confident, independent female with a lot of passion, not the girl who sat on a bed with her boyfriend at a loss for words. He had always thought that, if they found themselves in this situation, she would be the one to take the lead to tell him what was right and wrong. While she fidgeted with her fingers in her lap, Roselynn spoke delicately.

"Okay, this is difficult to explain, but I'm going to try my hardest, because you deserve to understand. You deserve the best of everything, Carlos," She grinned at the innocent boy, enjoying that he always looked at her with honest interest. He listened when she spoke, and he was never rude or disrespectful in any way. He was any easy guy to trust.

"Alright, but you're sure that you're okay? You seem kinda drunk…" Carlos smirked, reaching a hand up to touch the back of it to her face, as if the gesture alone would determine if she was sick or intoxicated. In actuality, both of them had only had one beer all night.

Roselynn chuckled at his teasing, something she found herself doing a lot, and swatted his hand away playfully. Even in the tensest moments of life, Carlos had a way of making the people around him comfortable.

"I promise. I'm completely sober," Roselynn raised her palm in the air and swore to it with a smirk.

"Then lay it on me," Carlos gave her a brilliant smile and relaxed with his arms holding his body up as he leaned back to watch Roselynn. The previous tension was easily forgotten, and now his usual, vibrant presence shined through and put them both at ease.

"I want us to have sex," she said it quickly, but strictly, sounding like there was no doubt in her mind.

"So far, I'm intrigued," Carlos teased, winking and sitting forward again. She grinned and shook her head, reaching out to take his hand into her own.

"I've never had many boyfriends. I don't date much, and I'm very serious about college and my future. I sorta have a plan for it all, and I need you to help me with one of my goals," Roselynn continued slowly, making sure Carlos was following her.

It wasn't really a surprise to him that Roselynn had a plan. Unlike him, she was the type to have objectives and checklists every day. She was ambitious and a natural at taking control. She was a cheerleader and involved deeply in all aspects of her social and school life. Carlos believed she was destined for great things; things beyond Sherwood, Minnesota and the small town existence it gave her.

"Which is…?" Carlos wanted clarification on which of the many goals she needed his assistance with. He'd help her in a heartbeat.

"I want to lose my virginity before I leave for college in New York, and I want it to be with someone that I trust and respect," Roselynn explained further, still watching the brunette with caution. Carlos seemed shocked by the offer.

"This is a lot, and it's-"

"Sudden. I know," she finished for him, looking apologetic. "We aren't in love, but we have a strong bond," she added tenderly, squeezing his hand.

Carlos couldn't argue with her. Their relationship was friendly right from the start. It wasn't built on passion and love, and they were both okay with that. They dated because it was fun and they generally enjoyed each other's company. They weren't Kendall and Sage. Carlos and Roselynn were an average teenaged couple, and they certainly weren't looking for undying love and commitment.

"So, why did it sound like you were gonna break up with me?" Carlos was interested in her request, but the entire conversation still confused him.

"That's part of the plan… I want you to have my virginity, but I don't want to take any relationships with me to college. I want to start my own life as a young adult in New York… Do you understand? I don't want to hurt you…" Roselynn leaned forward even further, tightening her grip on Carlos' hand. She looked as if she would be sick if she had upset him, but he was still smiling, actually seeming amused by her worried appearance.

"No, I get it. You've obviously thought a lot about it. You're a strong girl, Rosie, and I totally respect that you have goals for your life… It's actually pretty hot," he smirked and tugged on her fingers gently, eliciting a cute giggle that made his heart beat a little more calmly after the intense conversation. He didn't find himself so concerned with the idea of sex. He was more agitated by the look of fear on her face. He never wanted her to think that he would hate her.

"So, you're not mad that I want this, but I don't want us?" Roselynn bit her bottom lip, taking comfort in Carlos' grip on her hand.

"We're really good friends, and you're my first real girlfriend. No matter what happens, I think you're the perfect person to have my first time with. It can be our last present to each other… and I think it will thoroughly beat the flowers I got you for our one month anniversary," he ended on a joking note, always able to make any uncomfortable feelings disappear, and they both laughed cheerfully.

"We're actually gonna do this?" Roselynn asked, sobering up from the laughter and shifting into an expression of shock.

Carlos nodded and smiled as he pulled her small body into his and laid them down on the mattress like they had been before. He hugged her tightly and kissed her hair, pulling back only when he felt her relax.

"Mmhm… and I'll be your ex-boyfriend by sunrise," he smiled, making a small joke even in their odd situation, but they both seemed content with their decision.

Their first times weren't going to be a part of an epic love story, but rather a union of two friends who cared about each other. Roselynn will move on and have the wonderful life she's worked so hard on creating, and Carlos will watch it all with a look of admiration and joy. He wanted to see her succeed ever since he knew how important it was to her. She was meant to have a fantastic life, and Carlos knew that he wasn't a part of that. He didn't even know what he wanted for himself yet, but he knew that being with Roselynn like this was the right decision. It would always be an incredible memory.

"You make everything so simple," she laughed lightly, seeming to have a high regard for his ability to do so.

"Someone's gotta balance all of your OCD tendencies," Carlos teased her, tickling her ribs with the tips of his fingers and tugging her body even closer to him.

"I am not obsessive-compulsive!" she whined halfheartedly, giggling into his neck.

"Dude, you have a plan to lose your virginity before college to your boyfriend, who you also plan to dump once the deed is done… Face it, you're the 'psycho chick'," he scoffed at her with mock terror and chuckled when she rolled her eyes and pressed her forehead into his firm chest.

"And you're a charmer, Mr. Garcia," she sighed and threw one of her legs over his, both of them slowly moving towards intimacy.

"We'll still be friends, right? Can I come to your wedding when you marry some brilliant, rich CEO?" Carlos smirked, rubbing her back and staring at the ceieling as he contemplated the future.

"You'll be the first one on the guest list… Now, are you going to get on top of me, or what?" she joked, taking over the playful tone and feeding off of Carlos' energy. She leaned up and pecked his lips, watching him with a sinful look when he pulled back.

"Will you still respect me in the morning?" he asked, running his hands beneath her to pull Roselynn on top of him instead with a caress to her thighs. He kissed her forehead reassuringly, and she shivered above him with a grateful smile.

"I'll not only respect you, but I'll remember you forever."

* * *

Kendall and Logan sat on the staircase watching the party below. The blonde sat with his back against the wall, and the other boy pressed his shoulders into the railing about halfway down the stairs. As far as they knew, no one had broken the rules and went beyond the makeshift barriers they placed at the bottom of all the staircases. The party's energy stayed high, but everything seemed normal enough, and even Logan started to relax a little bit when Kendall gave him a cup full of punch and pulled him away from the congested first floor.

"So, Birthday Boy, how did your first day of being eighteen feel?" Kendall asked, sipping his water bottle and moving his eyes away from the party to glance at the grandfather clock near the main door to see that it was past midnight. He had opted to forgo any type of alcohol after the disaster he had back in June when he was first reunited with his best friends. Being drunk was not something he wanted ever again. Kendall preferred to keep a level head.

The last party he had been sober at was the one on his own birthday in Ramsey. It was wild, and the location was a condemned house with broken walls and an unkempt lawn. This place was different. It was a large home of suburbia. It was a huge building, the first completely done in a recently constructed development. Deep into the woods, the new area of homes was dug out on the land and was recessed enough so that no one could see it lit up from the main road. It was furnished; staged to encourage potential buyers that their dreams of fancy furniture in every room could come true, even though most of the rooms seemed to have no purpose. Kendall thought that it was so enormous that it could have been made for two families instead of one.

"It was like all the others," Logan shrugged, slouching into the railing a little further and turning to look up at Kendall, who was across from him and one step higher with his legs stretched out.

"I thought it would be special," Kendall commented, raising an eyebrow at the boy and twisting the cap back onto his water.

"It's just another day of the year, Kendall," Logan insisted, seeming exhausted by the topic.

"Shouldn't you be excited? You've got college and med school…" Kendall tried to brighten his friend up with what he thought interested him, but his words only deflated the boy more.

"I don't know…" Logan mumbled, swirling his cup absentmindedly before placing it on the step below him and folding his hands in his lap. "I'm not even sure I want that. I'm starting to think that I've set myself up with these ideas because it's just always been the plan, but it doesn't really feel like _**my**_ life anymore. You coming back home made me realize that I don't think I actually want to leave this place. I don't want us to be separated. I like having a family…" Logan admitted, saddening at the idea of his lack of blood related relatives in his life. Moving off to school would weaken the connections with the family he had worked so hard to form with his best friends.

"You should do what you want," Kendall declared, sure of his opinion. He tossed the water bottle back and forth between his hands, trying to appear nonchalant while watching Logan like a hawk.

"What if I'm not sure what that is?" Logan looked up at him like a lost child, most of his sarcasm and frustration escaping him when he felt vulnerable and confused.

"You don't need all the answers, Logie. Trust me, a lot of them just come with time," Kendall assured him sweetly, leaning down to pat the boy's leg twice in comfort.

"Since when are you the smart one?" the brunette smirked, making Kendall happy that his sullen look had dissipated.

"Don't worry, my little genius. You're still the brain. I've just got the experience," the blonde laughed, tilting his head with a cocky grin, even though he wasn't sure that he was so thrilled with everything that he had gone through. "Time and friends heal all… It's just the way it works," Kendall smiled, thinking that his brothers are what made the worst experiences bearable. They were there when he lost his father, and they were there when he lost Sage to reassure him when he felt like she was going to be gone forever.

"That's sage advice," Logan grinned at his own joke, choosing his words carefully and watching his friend's reaction.

"Yeah…Yeah, it is," Kendall couldn't help the faraway smile that found its way onto his face, thinking that Sage would definitely have said that if she were around.

"So, let's not talk about me anymore… Are you doing alright?"

Kendall knew what Logan was asking, even if it was a loaded question. It was just a little over half of a year since he had seen Sage, and putting it into those terms made it a bit more depressing than usual. To Kendall, two days used to seem unmanageable when Elliot forced her home on the weekends, but this longer time period blew his mind sometimes. His body still ached without her by his side, but, with his best friends near him, it transformed into an annoying buzz in his bones; keeping him grounded with the feeling of missing something without feeling debilitated and depressed.

"I'm actually okay. I could be a lot worse, but things could also get a lot better. If Sage was here with us, everything would be perfect," Kendall spoke softly, smiling as he patted his hand against his front pocket. Logan watched, knowing that the necklace was in there and what it meant to his friend, but he couldn't stop his mouth from moving on instinct.

"Perfection is statistically improbable," his lips clamped shut as soon as he said it, immediately offering an apologetic smile, often battling his instinct to use logic to fight fantasy.

"Thank you, Logan," Kendall chuckled sarcastically, only showing that he forgave him with a sideways glance and a grin.

"Sorry," the brunette hissed, cursing himself and picking up his punch to stop himself from talking anymore.

"Fuck, there you guys are!" James appeared at the bottom of the stairs with a scowl. "Are you two having fun? Oh, good!" he didn't wait for an actual response, too busy with a rant instead, "Because I'm in the middle of a damn crisis!" his voice rose in pitch and he bent at his knees dramatically, almost as if he was going to let himself sit and sulk on the floor.

Logan and Kendall shared a curious look with one another and ran down the stairs, placing their drinks on a nearby table. They watched James, who searched the immediate area for their missing group member.

"Carlos, get your ass over here!" James screamed through the music, startling the Latino, who just emerged from the kitchen. He had been saying goodbye to Roselynn before she left through the backdoor.

"What's wrong?" he was immediately concerned, knowing that his partner in crime never yelled at him unless he was freaking out.

"We're having a little group meeting… I just kicked out a drug dealer and some of his friends, and he looked pissed!" James whispered, somehow still managing to yell within the area that the four of them huddled in. "I found them in the office behind the dining room and he was dealing drugs to people around him like it was nothing!" James panicked, stomping his foot on the marble floor beneath him, fearing for his personal safety and the rest of the party.

"What kind of drugs?" Logan asked the first question he thought of, wondering what they would have to handle.

"I don't fuckin' know, but they were definitely not prescribed by his doctor. I booted him and two other guys out, but not before they already passed out some party favors," James sighed angrily, looking around the house as if a solution to their problem would appear, and getting angry that so many people he didn't know made it into the house.

"So, anyone could be high and we won't know it until they do something stupid?" Carlos wondered, sharing the same lost expression as James.

"Okay, this party's officially over," Kendall declared confidently, taking charge of the quickly deteriorating situation. He pushed his way into the living room and unplugged the stereo from the wall, instantly filling the area with silence and then the sound of groans and complaints. "Everyone out! Have a safe walk home!"

He sounded like there was no room for argument, and watched the people reluctantly file out of the various doors of the house, slipping away almost as smoothly as they had flooded in earlier that evening. All of the boys watched through the windows in relief as the house started to empty and the partygoers strolled and stumbled into the surrounding woods. At James' request, no one had driven there so that extra attention wouldn't be brought to the unoccupied development, and Sherwood was small enough so that most of the teenagers walked everywhere anyway.

"What's that noise?" Carlos started to walk around the living room, kicking away various cups and bits of garbage that littered the hardwood flooring. The four of them started to glance around the house, listening closely as the sound got louder. When it became apparent that it was sirens, Carlos screamed. "It's the cops! Are we supposed to run too?" he asked, panicking as he peeked between the curtains and saw the last of their guests sprinting into the woods and two police cars' lights brightening the freshly paved road that lead into the development.

"There's no time. We'll get caught and only look guiltier," Logan insisted, struggling to keep his breathing calm as he tried to think of a plan. He and Carlos looked to James and Kendall for assistance. Both of them appeared almost as stunned as the other two. The party had gone from so great to so bad in record time.

"We gotta find the drugs before they do! We can't take the wrap for that if the dealer left the shit lying around," James yelled, making it seem like he was going to puke when he spun in a sloppy circle and scanned the ground beneath him randomly.

The sirens were getting louder. They were practically right outside.

"Do a quick sweep of the first floor for anything drug related," Kendall paused to think as everyone started searching, "As far as the alcohol goes, we're-" Kendall's orders were cut short when the front door slammed open and three officers piled in. With one look around, Kendall finished his sentence with his body frozen in shock, "- screwed."

The boys were all stopped in their tracks, each in a varying state of panic and searching. Logan held up an expensive looking vase, having been trying to search inside for drugs in a moment of stupidity, and Carlos was in the middle of tossing the throw pillows around on the couch and digging between the cushions. James had resorted to kneeling on the floor in his expensive jeans to check the litter for narcotics, and Kendall was standing in the center of it all.

"Oh, my god. What are you kids doing?" Eduardo Garcia stood at the center of the trio of cops, looking at his son and his three friends in horror. "We just arrested a known drug dealer that said he came from this house. What the hell is going on?" his voice rose, looking angry and shocked at the usually responsible group of teenagers in front of him.

"Party?" Carlos' voice sounded small as he answered nervously, making his response sound like a question, unsure of exactly how everything spiraled out of control. He threw his hands into the air in a last ditch effort at enthusiasm, but his father didn't seemed entertained.

"I'm taking you all to the station."

* * *

Luckily, despite Officer Garcia's anger, none of them were officially arrested after they told him the whole story and cooperated fully, but he was giving them his own form of punishment. He kept them detained in the main area of Sherwood Police Department so they could watch everyone enter and exit the doors, including criminals and the town's fellow officers. James, Carlos, Logan, and Kendall all sat in a line of four chairs, and each of them had their wrists handcuffed to the boy beside them. They were being forced to wait there until their parents came to get them in the middle of the night, and, even though Eduardo was at a desk in the back of the room doing paperwork, he refused to let Carlos go home without him, knowing that the lesson would be understood more if the boy had to wait for his tired and angry mother to climb out of bed and pick him up from jail.

All of the boys were silent, thinking about the entire evening. Despite having been handcuffed and escorted in the back of a squad car, Carlos seemed overly cheerful. He was still excited from the night's events; both ones that his friends knew about and the big one that he hadn't clued them in on yet. He leaned back in his chair, searching the large desk behind his back and smiling at the receptionist that he had known most of his life.

"Hey, Barbara, are these mints for everybody?" Carlos asked innocently, making himself sound like a young child as he looked hopefully at the older woman typing on her computer and pointed to a bowl of red and white mints.

"We don't usually let the convicts have them, but I can make an exception," she teased him lightly; smirking as she peered over her glasses and pushed the dish closer to him.

Barbara went back to her work, and Carlos grabbed a handful of mints, absolutely beaming with delight. He quickly unwrapped one and popped it into his mouth, all of the movements tugging on the wrists of Logan and James, but both boys were trying to ignore him. He held his palm open and turned to Logan.

"Hey, Logie, you want a mint?" he raised his hand a little higher, pushing it closer to the sulking brunette's face.

"No, I don't want a fucking mint! I'm in _**jail**_!" Logan screamed, throwing the hand that was attached to Carlos' in the air and sending the mints flying to the floor.

"All you had to do was say, 'no thanks'," Carlos pouted, slouching in his chair and only brightening back up when Logan patted his close hand apologetically.

"I've decided that I hate parties. We're never having another one," Kendall mumbled through the silence, the only other sounds in the room being soft chatter from employees and the ringing of telephones. He had yet to have a decent experience as a teenager at a party. At the first one, he got beat up by Elliot. At the second, he got trashed, and, at the third one, he was ending his night in a police station.

"I'd agree with you, but I think it would only be the depression talking," James chimed in, smiling lifelessly as he lifted one leg beneath him on the chair. He couldn't stop thinking about what everyone at school would say on Monday.

"Kendall Donald Knight, what is wrong with you!" Karen appeared through the doors with an amused, but sleepy looking, Katie by her side. His mother only wore sweatpants and a t-shirt, and her hair was up in a messy bun. It seemed like she could kill him, and, with the use of his middle name, he was sure she meant business.

"Mom, calm down. I promise that this is a huge misunderstanding. I only did a _**few **_bad things, but nothing illegal. I swear! Everything just got out of control, but me and the guys tried to be responsible," he spoke sincerely, but quickly, trying to talk her down. She visibly relaxed when Eduardo wandered over to get the cuffs off of him.

"We're going home, and that's where you're staying all weekend," Karen informed him strictly, hugging him against her when he stood. She couldn't stop herself from feeling a little proud that Kendall had been in a terrible situation and acted like his old self; not destructive or overly reckless.

"Why do you have to punish me? He's the one who messed up," Katie muttered, referring to the fact that he would be home with her for two days straight and punching her brother's arm lightly, smirking when he rubbed it and glared at her.

"I'll talk to you guys when I can," Kendall waved and shared a look with each of them as he walked away, telling his friends to be strong. He knew that their parents may not be as understanding.

"Dad, can you please take the cuffs off of us too? We're not going anywhere," Carlos complained, lifting his wrists up and rattling them, wiggling James and Logan's arms at the same time.

"Fine, but don't move from the chair," Eduardo relented when he saw his son's pout and released them from the constricting metal.

Carlos thanked him shyly, still feeling sad that he may have disappointed his father, and settled into his seat with his hands on his legs once Eduardo walked away. It was only a few more minutes before James' mother came through the door, her dark hair looking disheveled, but she was fully dressed, and her heels clicked loudly against the linoleum as she stalked over to her son.

"Hi, Ms. Cohen," Logan greeted her politely with Carlos waving sheepishly beside him.

"Wish I could say it was nice to see you boys, but the circumstances are a little bleak," Sandra grinned at them shortly and then focused on her son, who kept his head down the entire time.

James had prayed that it would be his father picking him up. Things always went worse for him when his mother was in charge. She never let him get away anything. The next morning was officially her weekend for custody, but James was still hoping that his relaxed father would come rescue him and give him a little break until sunrise.

"I'm taking you home, James, and we're going to have a long talk about responsibility and what it means to be an adult," Sandra told him sternly, keeping her tone firm but soft. She was doing her best, but James always saw her for her worst. He couldn't stop himself from thinking that she actually enjoyed the act of scolding him. He wanted to argue that he didn't mean to do anything bad, but it felt useless, and he was exhausted.

"Fine, let's go," he mumbled, not making eye contact as he lifted himself out of his chair.

"Sandy, James is coming home with me," everyone's attention turned to Chris Diamond, who almost looked as if he spent the night at his own party. He was still fully dressed, despite the late hour, and he reeked of cigarette smoke. He hurried over to his son and ex-wife, immediately staring the woman down and preparing for a fight. That's all they ever did when they were in the same room.

"Oh, no he is not! You're the biggest problem he has right now. There's no way I'm letting him go with you. You don't parent him, Christopher. He's not a puppy that you just entertain and feed. You need to actually teach him something," Sandra spat viciously, crossing her arms and turning away from James, who was quickly becoming frustrated with his feuding parents.

"I parent him just fine, Ms. _**Cohen**_," Chris smirked, hissing her last name angrily, still resenting that she went as far as to change it back after years of marriage and a son. "He is my child, and he lives with me. I'll bring him over in the morning like always. You don't get special visitation because he made a little mistake," he insisted, chuckling at the idea of Sandra getting worked up over a party and minimizing the damage James had actually done.

"There was nothing little about this! He stole the keys to a home that does not belong to him. He consumed and distributed alcohol, and a drug dealer was arrested after being there! What is so damn 'little' about that?"

Christopher and Sandra were only focused on each other. They were arguing about James, but both of them ignored him as he stepped aside with a frown and spoke to anyone who cared enough to listen.

"I'll be waiting in the car…" he muttered, running a careless hand through his styled hair and walking off angrily when he received no response or acknowledgement from either of his parents. They were deepening their verbal sparring match and didn't see a thing as he slipped by and stormed outside.

Logan and Carlos shared looks of concern and sympathy, but Logan was the first to make a move.

"Stay here, or your dad is going to get angrier with you. I'm gonna go talk to him. I'll be back in a few minutes. Don't let them think I escaped custody or something," Logan mumbled, halfheartedly attempting humor, but neither boy seemed to want to be entertained. They were too upset by seeing their friend so hurt by his parents' behavior. James was always the first to speak out of the group, but he resorted to resolved silence around Sandra and Chris.

After a nod of approval from Carlos, Logan headed outside and found James sitting on the curb between the back of his mother's car and the front of his father's van. Once he had gotten out there, James realized that he still wasn't sure who would win the argument and get to take him home.

"Great party…" Logan appeared beside him and settled next to him on the pavement. His comment was sarcastic, which James easily picked up on.

"Yeah, Happy Birthday," James added with a bitter laugh, not liking that the day turned out terribly for both of them. He absentmindedly rubbed his wrists, hoping that the cuffs hadn't messed with his flawless skin. He wouldn't meet Logan's eyes, but the shorter boy wasn't attempting to force him into anything.

"Technically, my birthday was yesterday," Logan tried to lighten the mood, but his heart wasn't fully into it, and James didn't take the bait. Both of their gazes drifted elsewhere. Logan watched a plane pass above them in the sky, and James picked at the threads of his long sleeves.

"I wish it was still yesterday. I wanna take this whole night back," James professed humorlessly, sighing heavily. He was in a dark mood, and it was rare to see, but Logan felt like he could relate.

"Bullshit. That party was epic. If anything, the cops showing up is only going to get the school to talk about you more," Logan reassured him quickly, believing the words he spoke. It may not have gone as planned, but James' reputation would definitely get a boost by Monday.

James smirked, but the expression wasn't fully there. His eyes followed a thick crack in the asphalt beneath his sneakers. It was a harsh and jagged line dividing the space between his parents' cars almost symmetrically. It slipped between his sprawled legs perfectly down the center. James was caught right in the middle of it. His hazel eyes darted back and forth to either side of the imperfection marring the smooth surface, and he felt the urge to move over and be only on one half of the divider. Sighing heavily and slumping down further against the curb, he cursed his inability to choose which way was the right way.

"Come on, you know you wanna smile," Logan coaxed him, nudging his slackened shoulders with a lopsided smirk, which ended up settling into a pitying smile. "You only feel bad now because of your parents. Things will be better in the morning…"

"They'll be worse. It's my mom's weekend. Everything's terrible over there, especially after they…" James frowned deeply and gestured behind them to the police station, "… after they do that," he finished, referring to their intense arguments.

"I know it's hard. Seeing them fight was… intense," Logan whispered the last word, his chin falling almost all the way to his chest when he closed his eyes. James caught the movement and reacted softly.

"Déjà vu?" he wondered aloud, raising up the issue of Logan's own parents and his abusive father.

"Yeah, a little bit, but pretty much any confrontation makes me think of my father," Logan admitted quietly, finally turning and meeting James' eyes with depression and understanding.

"Wow, I must really look like shit if you're going to talk about your dad," James laughed dryly, knowing that it was a rough and rare topic for Logan to discuss. He shifted his focus upward, silently pleading for his friend to keep going with the conversation. He felt a strong comfort from it, and he thought that, if he dropped the subject now, he'd lose a golden opportunity to get the dark-haired boy to open up.

Logan was always an emotional teenager, but never when it came to this. The memory of his father stayed locked in a prison of frosted glass; it was observable, but protected and kept hidden from too many prying eyes. Only Logan could really see it and share the damaging, severe details when he was ready.

His best friends know the basics, but Logan only let himself cry about it for a year after Patrick left, then it became all about being strong for his mother as well as a grieving Kendall when Mr. Knight was unfairly taken by cancer. Logan knew that he was better off without his father, but he could never say the same for Kendall. That boy had his idol stolen from him. Logan just lost his. It slipped right through his tiny, weak fingers. Both tragedies were unjust and cruel, but, in Logan's young mind, Kendall took precedent, and he kept that pattern throughout the years. Everyone's above him. Everyone's more important than Logan Mitchell. At least, that's how he saw it.

"What do you want to hear?" Logan relented, lowering a few of his walls so that James would feel like he had a partner in his sorrow.

"Anything," James answered quickly, trying not to sound too enthusiastic about it, but he was inwardly thrilled that Logan was going to share something with him. It brightened his dark mood just a single shade when he felt like he wasn't so alone.

"Every time he hit me or Mom, I wanted to _**apologize**_. I was only six the first time his fist met my face, and I assumed it was my fault…It's always our fault, isn't it?" Logan wondered bitterly, truly looking like a damaged eighteen-year-old for the first time.

Logan smiled at his rhetorical question, like he was aware that it was a silly assumption, but he knew that James understood. Even when they were old enough to know the truth behind their parents' problems, it still felt like they were the catalysts. In their eyes, they'd always be the reason for their family's demise. James' birth itself caused the irreparable rift between Chris and Sandra, and Logan would always feel like he wasn't enough; smart enough, responsible enough, lovable enough for his father to stick around and choose his son over his drug addiction.

"Kendall wants me to understand love, or even find it for myself, but that, in there…" James spoke quietly, pointing back to the building behind him, which neither of his parents had emerged from yet, "_**That**_ is the result of love. It ruins people when it doesn't work out," James swallowed down the lump in his throat and leaned back on his hands, still eyeing the crack in the ground beneath him with distaste.

"That's just your parents. There's millions like them, so, yeah, the outcome looks really fuckin' depressing, but I try to remember that, for every one of those…" Logan paused tilting his head to the station behind them, referring to James' parents, "… there is also a Sage and Kendall. The way I see it, half of the world gets to be in love and happy, and the other half lets themselves suffer… I don't know which side I'm on yet…" Logan trailed off thoughtfully, seeming to have spent much of his time pondering the idea of the love Kendall and Sage brought into his life.

"You're sickeningly optimistic, Logie," James smirked, his features soft as he turned away from the ground to stare at his friend.

"I have to be. Pessimism will only turn me into someone like my dad or Elliot… or, maybe, it will make me nothing at all. The thought of that alone makes me want to choose the risky side and give love a shot," Logan decided, shoving one of his legs beneath him to turn to James fully.

"So, that's your choice? You're gonna set yourself up for possible failure?" James wondered, looking appalled by the thought.

"I know it's not my usual style, but, yeah. That's my choice," Logan nodded, almost smiling when he seemed comfortable with the decision even though it required a risk. He was in no rush at all to find someone to be with, but he was determined to remain open to the idea if it presented itself. He wouldn't turn away a good thing, not when he needed all he could get.

"I don't even know how I'm gonna get through this weekend. Can we stop with the heavy questions?" James frowned, giving Logan a begging expression. Even though Logan just made a breakthrough, James felt like he still had centuries to go, and just the thought of it was exhausting and frightening.

"Yeah, you're young. You've got plenty of time to fuck up. No tough choices yet… This night may have sucked, but stay positive. By Monday, you'll be all bright-eyed again and chasing anything in a skirt," Logan grinned, backing down from the discussion when he saw the look of panic in his friend's eyes.

"It's nearly December. No one's wearing a skirt," James joked lightly, smirking slyly at Logan with a little bit of light back in his eyes.

"Fine, the girl with the tightest jeans, then," Logan smirked back, shoving the brunette's shoulder.

"Sounds good," James declared, rubbing his hands together for dramatic effect.

"You're so fucked up," Logan chuckled at his friend's attitude.

"Yup… I'm just glad that I'm not the only one," James responded simply, his voice returning to its natural tone of honesty.

The best thing about James, Logan, Carlos, and Kendall was that they could suffer and celebrate together. Nothing was ever too much to handle because there was always someone waiting by your side to catch you when you fell or got pushed. They could all be fucked up together. They could argue about their faults, but what mattered was the aftermath; the moment when ill feelings were forgiven and forgotten, and bonds were strengthened. They had done it so many times before, and they would continue working through it together because they were all better off that way, no matter who their parents were.

Despite what others believe, we can pick our family. These boys chose their brothers.

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**A/N: Did you like the fun? I personally loved the angst at the end, and there is TONS more of it in the next chapter... and we'll check in on SAGE :D I wonder what she and Elliot have been up to? :)**

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I LOVE new people :D Say hi. I don't bite ;) **


	25. Big Time Weekend

**A/N: Another larger chapter lmao… Sorry if it bothers you, but it's necessary now that the focus is on our FIVE main characters (Kendall, Sage, James, Carlos, and Logan :) I'm excited about all of them ;D **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**Usual Suggestion: ****Go read**_Surfergal23_**'s fantastic story Hooked.  
**

**_-waterwicca_**

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_CHAPTER 25: BIG TIME WEEKEND_

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"Good luck with Sandy today. She was really pissed last night when I got done with her at the police station," Chris looked over to his son with a gleeful chuckle, not seeming to mind that James was in a terrible mood. He just loved when he could wiggle his way under his ex-wife's skin.

"Why do you always have to fuckin' do that?" James yelled at his smiling father, having stayed silent most of the morning, but was now reaching his breaking point as their van got closer to his mother's house. "You bait her into shit, and then _**I**_ get to deal with the aftermath," he carried on, groaning in irritation and slouching in his seat, not caring or noticing that his hair rubbed against the static-inducing upholstery. "Why can't you argue with her when it's _**not**_ my weekend here?"

Chris only appeared to be amused by his son's angered rant. He wasn't concerned that he was cursing or yelling, knowing that James was allowed to do and say what he wanted when he was with him. Chris had quite the mouth of his own, and he never expected James to not follow his example. He pulled the van along the curb when they reached their destination and held his foot on the break while he looked over at the sullen brunette.

"Next time, don't get caught by the cops. That was a rookie mistake, Jay. We'll have to work on that," Chris punched his shoulder playfully, trying to earn a smile from him, but James didn't react positively.

"I'm being serious!" he screamed, unfastening his seatbelt with sharp, tense movements and looking at his father in disbelief.

This was how most of their morning had gone. Chris won the argument with Sandra about who would take him home the night before after the boy's disastrous party and detainment. The custody agreement stipulated that it was technically Chris' time with his son until 9AM on Saturday, and he wasn't going to give any leeway to Sandra. He drove James home and didn't even reprimand him for getting into trouble. They just watched television until Chris fell asleep and James slipped into bed, mentally preparing for a weekend with his agitated mother. He had been upset all morning, but Chris didn't console him. He never did.

"Relax! You're acting like your mom. Stop worrying about everything," Chris looked at his son like he had grown two heads, still keeping his infuriating, dismissive smile plastered on his face. "It's just two days. You're a big kid. You'll figure out how to survive the Witch of Sherwood, and then you'll be home again on Sunday night," he insisted, shrugging and waving his tattooed hand through the air.

"She's not so bad if _**you**_ don't talk to her," James mumbled weakly, not sure why he didn't appreciate hearing his mother being called names when he had heard it all of his life and even joined in a few times when she riled him up. Maybe it was because he was almost just as frustrated with his nonchalant father at the moment. James and Sandra rarely got along, mostly because of the boy's attitude, but he would admit that she was tolerable when she was happy; when she hadn't seen her ex-husband in a while.

"What do you want me to do? Apologize?" Chris barked out a harsh laugh at the thought and shook his head. "Not gonna happen. She overreacts! That's her stress to deal with, not mine. I signed that shit away with the divorce papers," he insisted bitterly, thinking back to his past with Sandra.

James wanted to yell more and tell his father that he was causing _**him**_ stress, not just his mother, but he kept his mouth shut. When they spoke about serious subjects, he never got anywhere far with Chris. They always ended in jokes or dismissive attitudes. They spoke like they were friends, not father and son. Chris didn't take a parental role, and James struggled to find where he stood. He wanted to be a man like his father, but sometimes he was only a little kid that needed guidance; guidance that Chris wouldn't offer. He limited his advice to women and the perks of life. He never assisted James with the darker, emotional parts. That's what Kendall, Logan, and Carlos were for.

"Thanks for all of the help, Dad. Have a great weekend," James chuckled sarcastically, grabbing his backpack from the seat behind him and pushing open the squeaky passenger door.

"James, come on. Don't be melodramatic," Chris sounded like he was relenting a little, but he still wouldn't admit he was wrong. He wanted to blame his son's worrying solely on the boy's intense personality.

Stepping out of the car fully, James' expression darkened as he wished his father would be a bit more dramatic himself. Chris was way too relaxed all the time, while Sandra was high strung around James, who fell somewhere in the middle; where they had forced him to be. Trying to get his father to openly admit that he could do better was a doomed argument from the start, and that was one thing James could sympathize with his mother about, but he'd never confess that to her. It was easier to remain her enemy in the little time he saw her. He had to live with Chris on a daily basis. It was more important for them to get along.

"I'll see you later. Love you," James replied shortly, giving his father a quick nod of his head in a silent understanding that he was fine, even if he really wasn't.

"Love you too, Kid," Chris winked, and James knew from his demeanor that, if he was close enough, his dad would have ruffled his hair for fun. The idea made James' smile a little more genuine, somehow always easily forgiving Chris' behavior, as he waved goodbye and shut the door securely.

The brunette's attention shifted away from his frustration with Chris and turned to focus entirely on the house looming in front of him, and the fierce woman it held within. Sandra was actually a very good mother, and that was James' biggest problem. She wanted to be involved in his life, but never in the way that he wished she'd be. She constantly harassed him about his performance in school and his future goals. Sandra was practical, and Chris was a dreamer, and James was tugged in both directions. He often sided with his father, which made Sandra's attitude seem bothersome rather than helpful.

James sighed, watching his breath ghost in front of him, and slung his bag over his shoulder. He dug his chilled hands into his pockets and somberly walked up the steps of the porch as he heard his father drive off. Even before he could reach the door, Sandra swung it open with a stern expression on her beautiful features. Her dark hair was clipped to the top of her head, her bangs falling slightly over the worry lines around her blue eyes. She had changed into a pink t-shirt and a pair of jeans, the outfit contrasting drastically from the one she dressed up in to get him from the station the night before. James was used to seeing his mother in heels and professional attire, but now she only wore casual clothing with a coffee mug gripped tightly in her hand. She looked exhausted, and he easily guessed that she hadn't slept since he'd seen her hours before.

"Good morning," James muttered, looking down as he slithered past her and into the warm house. He desperately wanted to avoid the "long talk" she had promised him, but he knew that he wasn't going to get out of it. Sandra never missed a chance to tell him what he'd done wrong.

"Mornin', James," she spoke calmly, stepping forward to shut the door. She turned around with a soft smile, surprising her son, and gathered him in a strong hug. She kissed the top of his head lightly while he breathed in her scent, enjoying the familiar smell of cinnamon and coffee.

Just when James thought he had dodged a bullet, thinking that Sandra may have been over compensating with affection for not getting to take him home the night before, she moved away and put her strict face back on. Grabbing his bag and placing it on the floor by the staircase, Sandra pointed into the dining room.

"Sit, please," she ordered him quietly. There wasn't much venom lacing her words, but James instantly felt defensive and pressured.

"Do I have to? I know what I did was wrong, and it's never gonna happen again. I've got to be more responsible and blah blah blah…" he groaned, slipping his jacket from his shoulders and hanging it up on the rack by the front door with a dismissive attitude.

He whipped out his cell phone, sending a quick text message to Carlos, knowing that he was going to need his friend's help if he wanted to survive the weekend.

"_SOS. If ur mom will let u, can u come over and wrk on the lit project? I need an excuse to avoid Sandra :( - J"_

Just as James expected, his mother snagged his phone away almost as soon as he sent the message and threw it into the drawer of a small table where she kept her keys. He gave her a nasty look, like she had offended him, and only received a small smirk and another gesture towards the dining room as a response. He bit his tongue, rolled his eyes, and followed the silent command without enthusiasm.

He ungracefully fell into one of the stiff, wooden chairs, which forced him to keep a straight posture. James was pretty sure that it was part of his mother's tactic so that he would have no choice but to pay attention. Sandra sat in the seat diagonally positioned from his and gently placed her coffee mug down. The only sound in the room was it connecting with the table and the furnace heating the house from the basement below them.

"Listen, James, I want to talk about yesterday-" she started softly, but James instantly cut her off.

"I get it, Ma. You're angry. I messed up. Sorry," he spoke quickly, almost as if he thought he could speed up the uncomfortable situation if his words came out rapidly and he tried to show he had learned a lesson. In actuality, he hadn't learned much of anything other than finding out that he needed to keep a better eye on his guest list in the future. No drug dealers allowed.

"I'm not angry. I'm disappointed in you, and I'm scared about your future," she responded just as fast as he had cut in, but her voice remained calm and pleading.

"Damn, you're really gonna do this, aren't you? It was a simple frickin' party that got out of control, and you're gonna make this about my life. What's with you? Why are you always trying to hold me back? Every time I want something good, you find a way to tell me it's stupid," James yelled, looking like he was about to jump from his seat as he spat harsh words at his mother. He did his best to watch his language around her, knowing it might earn him a bigger punishment, but James always pushed his limits.

"Don't put words in my mouth. I don't think your dreams are stupid. I want you to have everything you want, but you need a backup plan," she paused when James rolled his eyes and chuckled darkly. This wasn't the first time she tried to have this conversation with him.

Sandra was always an organized woman, while Chris was as sloppy as they came with his life and relationships. That was how they were right from the start. When they were young, they were a happy couple composed of a straight-laced female and a celebrity-wannabe musician that was formed on a romantic whim. They really were deeply in love, and even tolerated and admired each other's different characteristics, but things shifted drastically when James was born.

They got married and moved in together as soon as Sandra finished college. She struggled to find a job, and Chris only focused on playing random gigs with his band. With one night of forgotten birth control, James was conceived and everything changed. Maybe Sandra and Chris were "meant to be", but they certainly weren't meant to have a baby. James' birth exacerbated the differences between them, and showed the pair how much they truly differed.

Sandra spent her time focusing on being a mother and trying to pay the bills, with Chris not having a steady income, and her husband kept his attention on music and his son. They had contrasting parenting styles. Chris was loose and fun, and Sandra was strict and concerned about everything. They had a new responsibility when their son arrived, and they couldn't forgive each other's faults as easily. Chris started to resent Sandra for trying to control him and force him to focus on a practical job rather than his Hollywood dreams, and Sandra hated Chris for not stepping up. She felt like she was left all alone at home with a baby, and he felt like she wanted to take away his life. They tried to remain civil for several years, but their marriage ended shortly after James started kindergarten when Sandra served her husband with the divorce papers. Chris always blamed their demise on her because she had taken that first step towards separation.

The one positive thing about Chris was that, despite his attitude, he truly cared about his son. He was a good father in every financial and supportive way. All of his money happily went to James' needs, and he spent all the time he could with his son. However, as James entered adolescence, things shifted into more of a friendship rather than a father-son relationship. Chris let some fade into the background, and started to live vicariously through James. He wanted him to do all the things he hadn't. He let his son date and sleep with girls in their own home, as long as he was safe, and he wasn't worried about things like parties. He trusted James, and maybe that was a little too much faith to be placing in a confused boy.

"I don't want to have the same conversation over and over again. Can you just give me my punishment for last night's fiasco, and then we can both get on with our day?" James muttered, playing with his fingers on top of the dining room table and darting his eyes around the burgundy-colored room for an exit. Even though it was usually one of his favorite subjects, James had no desire to talk about Hollywood or his future career choices, not when he knew what his mother would say.

"That's not how being a parent works, James. We _**need**_ to talk. I'm worried about you. Officer Garcia told me what happened last night, and I know you had good intentions, but did you see how fast things spiraled out of control? You're not prepared for those things, and I don't think you'll be safe in Los Angles if you don't have a strong plan. You could get hurt. You need to be more responsible," Sandra insisted softly, reaching out to take one of his fidgeting hands in her own and giving it a gentle squeeze.

"You have no faith in me. The _**plan**_ is to work and live in Hollywood. I can't tell the fuckin' future beyond that. I have talent, and I work really hard. Why don't you think I can do it?" James' words were low and spiteful as he ripped his hand away and gave her a hurt and angry expression.

"Oh, Jamie, I _**know**_ you can do it," she insisted, smiling and shaking her head at the silly thought of her not believing in him, "but I'm scared of you being out there alone with the way you are now. You live…. recklessly…" Sandra stopped, seeming to grow cautious of her words. It reminded her of dealing with Chris all those years ago. James was stubborn and not open to change, and he very rarely let others into his life. She didn't want to be one of the people he kept out, and she was already dangerously close to the edge.

James stayed silent, bringing his hands back together in front of him and clasping them tightly. He felt an argument brewing within him, always defensive around his knowledgeable mother, but he couldn't find anything to say. Sandra reminded him of Logan in times like these. They fought and differed, and James felt like he would never win, but that didn't mean he would ever throw in the towel. Chris had taught him to never give up, and he kept that mantra running through his head every day, even when it got him into trouble; even when he knew that he was wrong and that he should back down.

"You're going to be eighteen very soon, and you need to act like an adult. That means making hard choices and being more careful. Right now, you're setting yourself up for failure. I'm really concerned about your… personal life," Sandra's voice wavered at the end of her sentence, seeming to read the uncomfortable jerk in James' posture.

"My personal life is _**fine**_, thank you," James crossed his arms over his chest and looked down at the table, tipping his chair back on its legs and rocking forward occasionally.

"Yeah, _**too**_ fine. You think I don't know about all of the girls? People talk, James," Sandra declared nervously, "and now I hear that you're hanging out with people that do drugs-"

"I'm not taking drugs. I promise," James insisted sternly, snapping his head up at the unspoken accusation.

He felt defensive at the allegation, but he found himself more concerned about what his mother thought, which was sobering for him. It was as if it just hit him exactly how much Sandra didn't know him. She and Chris only saw what was on the surface. They could only observe the little bits that James offered them. He forgot that only his brothers managed to see deep down beyond his carefully crafted exterior no matter how much he pushed them away.

"Okay, I believe you, but what about the girls? Bad things can happen, Jamie. Unexpected pregnancies can ruin-"

"Whoa!" James laughed nervously. He'd rather become celibate than discuss his sex life with his mother. "I'm only gonna say this once, so listen very closely. My 'personal life' is my business, but I'm also not an idiot. I've had 'the talk' with Dad. I'm safe every time. No one's having any babies," James calmed himself down and spoke slowly, giving his mother a glare that clearly said he was done discussing it.

"Good. That's really good, Honey. Just don't forget that more can happen from sex other than pregnancy and STDs. You also have to worry about your heart," Sandra reminded him, attempting to reach out and take his hand again.

"Wow, you're really in the sharing mood this morning, aren't you?" James chuckled, shaking his head while still keeping a dark look on his face.

"You've never had a girlfriend," Sandra seemed saddened by the idea of her son never bringing anyone home for her to meet.

"I've never _**wanted**_ a girlfriend, Mom. I'm keeping things casual because I'm not staying here in Sherwood. Maybe I'll date someone in Hollywood," James offered weakly, knowing neither he nor his mother believed him. He had no plans of having a stable, romantic relationship in the near future, which, truthfully, scared both of them. "Are we done? Can we _**please**_ be done?" James asked, pleading with his wide hazel eyes.

He was trying to do what he always did. James avoided serious conversations at all costs, especially when they were about him. The only chance he had at opening up would be with Kendall, Carlos, and Logan. He could trust them with his secrets and fears, even if he did try to hide them away. No matter how much she tried, Sandra would always just be his mother; a woman he couldn't understand and believed didn't understand him, and Chris would only ever serve the role of "fun father", which James knew wasn't ideal for his long-term goals. He couldn't rely on his parents, so he felt lucky to have his best friends. Without them, James believed wholeheartedly that he would have destroyed himself. He would be dead or wishing that he was, with no real connections to the world.

"We can stop talking for now, but that doesn't mean you're off the hook for this party thing. You broke all kinds of rules," Sandra sighed, fighting a smile at her son. She really did think that James getting himself into such epic amounts of trouble over a little thing like a party was amusing, especially with the way he looked now; like a sheepish little kid. He wanted to be a man, but he'd always be her adorable boy.

"Thank god…" James yelled, quietly cheering that the intense moment was over, but he kept an air of irritation on his face, knowing that the punishment was coming.

He always resented his mother for scolding him in any way because he never got treated like a child when he was home with Chris. When he spoke with his mother, she had reasonable expectations of him, but they were still ones that he was sure he'd never meet. It was easier for him to accept the fact that he'd always let her down rather than struggling to strive for something better.

"I can't control what happens after you leave here, but you're punishment with me is that you have to stay in all weekend," she told him strictly, grabbing her mug and standing while ignoring his groan of protest. James hardly ever stayed in on Saturday nights. It was something he was sure would destroy his reputation, or at least diminish his own high self-esteem.

"Fine," he responded shortly, a tone of annoyance in his voice.

"And we _**will**_ be discussing all of this some more later on after you settle in," Sandra insisted, stepping around her seated son and patting his shoulder as she disappeared into the kitchen.

"Not fine!" James yelled back instantly, jumping up from his chair. He was ready for a fight, not wanting to discuss his life anymore.

Even if he put up a resistance, James knew his mother would force him into some sort of conversation. Although, he was pretty definite that it would be one-sided, and Sandra knew it too. This was how it always was with them. They had two days of arguments and intensity, which would hopefully verge on an understanding, and then he went back to Chris' on Sunday night and erased the progress they made. Then, two weekends later, they ended up right back at the starting line. Those Saturday mornings didn't always contain arguments, but they were always filled with animosity on James' part and stressful concern on Sandra's.

Before he could reach the kitchen, the doorbell rang and startled them both. James smirked, remembering the text he had sent to his best friend. He ran for the front door and swung it open enthusiastically, wanting to giggle out of pure joy when he saw Carlos standing on the other side.

"Saved by the bell! I love you, Man!" James squealed and lifted the boy off of the ground in a bone crushing hug.

"Love you too, James," Carlos chuckled, patting the eager boy on the back so he would release his hold and let him breathe. "We gotta really work on the project, though. My mom was pissed this morning when she finally came to get me, and the only way she let me out to come here was by making me promise to show her the report when I get home. What do you know about Hamlet?" Carlos asked hopefully, stepping across the threshold and shutting the door softly behind him.

"About as much as you," James laughed, forgetting all about his mother and their drama now that his friend was here. He let himself be comfortable again.

"What are you doing?" Sandra reappeared, moving her eyes from one joyful boy to the other with a fresh cup of coffee in her grasp.

"Carlos is here to do homework," James responded quickly, keeping a content smile on his face despite the brewing tension.

"He can't be-" Sandra started sternly, stepping forward and not seeming to care about the significant height difference between her and her son, but James cut her off like he always did.

"You always say that this is my home too, right?" James grinned smugly, raising an eyebrow at his mother, knowing she'd take the bait. Sandra desperately wanted James to feel welcome even though he spent the majority of his time at the condo with Chris.

"Right, but-"

"So, now I'm not allowed to have guests in _**my**_ home?" James kept his smirk, thinking deep inside his mind that he was being a douche bag, but he didn't let it consume him. He preferred using his mother's position to his advantage. Sandra was in a gray area with her son. She tried to parent him, but she also wanted to win him over, which was difficult with Chris as her competition.

"Not when you're being punished," Sandra replied half-heartedly, eyeing Carlos with pity. The boy looked uncomfortable in the middle of the two feuding family members.

"We have a big project due Monday morning, and I'm not breaking any rules. You said that I had to stay here, and I'm here… Isn't it grand?" James asked cheekily, making Sandra rub her temple slowly with her free hand. "Come on, Carlitos," he gestured for the boy to go up the stairs, which he reluctantly did; keeping one foot on the main floor for a second longer than necessary to see if Sandra would stop him.

"Thanks, Ms. Cohen. I promise we'll work hard," Carlos smiled thankfully, knowing that she was against the idea but letting him stay anyway.

Sandra just nodded and waved the innocent boy away. She turned her attention back onto James, who was still smirking at her arrogantly.

"Just go upstairs, James. I have work to do, and apparently so do you," she gave up with a heavy sigh, moving towards the living room where she had her briefcase laid out on the coffee table. "I want to see that project when it's done!" she called out a final time, watching her son run up the stairs with his bag and hearing a giggle from Carlos, who had heard the exact same tone and words from his mother only thirty minutes before.

James made a small sound of acknowledgement and sprinted to his bedroom, not wanting to risk Sandra changing her mind by sticking around for too long. When he entered the room, Carlos was already on the bed and pulling a few books out of his backpack. He also removed a thermos, unscrewing the lid and taking a sip of the warm liquid.

"Is that coffee?" James laughed in disbelief, shutting his door behind him and plopping down onto a beanbag chair in the corner near the bed. Carlos never drank anything that would give him energy. He always had enough of it on his own.

"Yeah, if I don't drink it then I'm gonna pass out. My mom refused to get me until she was 'good and ready'," Carlos stopped to make quotation marks with his fingers in the air, and then began fastening the cap back onto the thermos, "which meant, like, seven in the morning. I sat in the station all night with Logan." Carlos finished, rolling his eyes at Adriana's form of punishment. She figured he'd learn his lesson if he stayed in jail all night, and she wasn't wrong. Carlos didn't plan on throwing or attending any parties in his immediate future.

"Logan was with you?" James asked, seeming a little shocked by the thought of their edgy friend sitting in the station until morning. He settled into his seat, but left his bag untouched, not being in the mood to start homework so early.

"His, uh… his mom never showed up…" Carlos' face fell at the same time as James', both thinking about the disappointment Logan must have felt. "My mom dropped him off at his house this morning."

"Was he okay?" James wondered sadly, knowing the answer already.

"He was… quiet… I texted him earlier to make sure, and he just said that he was tired and he'd talk later," Carlos shrugged weakly, thinking that they both wanted to do more for their friend but not knowing what they could manage while they were on lockdown.

"So, I'm not the only one with mother issues today," James smiled softly, shifting against the fabric of the chair to get more comfortable.

"Yeah, what was happening before I got here? It looked like you two were gonna melt each other with your eyes," Carlos smiled and wiggled his fingers in front of his own face for emphasis as he spoke slowly. James laughed along, relaxing at being in Carlos' presence and thinking that he was lucky to have something like that in his life after feeling so bogged down with Sandra.

"The usual. She got all up in my business and harped on my personal choices. She's disappointed in me. She doesn't understand me at all and doesn't even bother to try," James rambled confidently, sounding like he had said it a million times before.

"She _**is **_trying, James, but you keep pushing her away. She takes the time to yell at you. My mom says that means she loves you," Carlos replied effortlessly, understanding mothers like Adriana and Sandra more than James ever could. Carlos had always received guidance, support, and love from both parents, but James was forced to pick sides and pull himself in two different directions.

"All she does is nag me, and I hate being here because of it. I just want to go home most of the time," James maintained his stance firmly, pouting when he thought about being with the relaxed Chris and not getting yelled at or driven into serious conversations.

Important discussions about his emotions were James' biggest pet peeve. They made him feel defensive and put on the spot, and they were Sandra's strongest tool. Unlike Chris, she wasn't afraid to bring up pivotal issues and put them on display for her son to process. James preferred dodging anything meaningful with jokes and sarcasm, but his mother very rarely let him get away with it. Perhaps James hated being around her so much because she was always mere inches away from seeing the real, vulnerable boy hidden inside of him. She was certainly doing a good job at trying to get a peek inside.

"Give her a break, James. She's just trying to help you, and you're not gonna see her much when you go to California. You should appreciate your mom while you have her, even if it's just a couple of days every two weeks," Carlos insisted, sounding wiser than James expected him to.

"What makes you so knowledgeable all of a sudden?" James teased him lightly, attempting to direct the focus away from him, and his tactics worked.

"Well, now that you mention it, I _**did**_ have a very manly, mature experience last night," Carlos hinted smugly, only a small trace of awkwardness in his tone.

"What, jail?" James laughed, not catching onto his friend's meaning.

"No… sex…" Carlos whispered his reply, biting his bottom lip and darting his brown eyes to the brunette in front of him.

"What? You and Roselynn slept- ugh!" Carlos stopped James' loud words by jumping on top of him and placing a hand over the boy's mouth. They wrestled slightly, James squirming under his panicking friend.

"Shush! Your mom is gonna hear, and then I'm gonna die of embarrassment!" he whined in a hushed voice, shoving himself off of James once he held his hands up in surrender.

"Well, you kinda dropped a fuckin' bomb on me. How did you expect me to react? This is huge. It's awesome!" James squealed giddily, punching Carlos' shoulder in approval before sliding back into his seat. "Wait, it _**is**_ awesome, right? Are you okay?" his voice softened, his eyes looking over his brother carefully as if he could see physical signs of his emotions if he searched hard enough.

"I'm fine, I guess. It was good, but Rosie and I broke up," Carlos pressed his back onto the bedframe behind him, choosing to stay seated directly across from James on the floor.

"What the hell did you do?" James asked, sucking air between his teeth and looking at his friend with pity.

"Nothing," Carlos giggled and kicked James' ankle lightly. "She asked me to sleep with her so that her first time would be with someone she cared about and trusted, but she didn't want to have a relationship with college coming up. We just had sex as good friends," Carlos gave him the cliff notes version, not so sure that he would ever be able to explain what happened between him and Roselynn accurately. Only they understood what they felt, and they both knew that there were no hard feelings; only ones of respect and happiness.

"See, this is why I don't get with virgins. Those chicks are complicated," James frowned, trying to comprehend what Roselynn was thinking. "Are you alright? Is that what you wanted?" he looked at Carlos with concern.

He knew and appreciated the fact that Carlos was not him. His energetic, loveable friend cared about people and emotions. He even tried his best to get to know every random girl James set him up with, no matter how sleazy and dismissive the female was. Carlos loved people and wanted relationships, and he just lost his first one, along with the virginity he had been holding on to.

"I'm fine. I agreed to it willingly, but I'm just a little…lost. I didn't think that my first time would be like that. I thought it would be with a girlfriend that I'd keep, you know? I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do now," Carlos shrugged, not seeming too affected by the night before, but James knew him better than that. Carlos wanted answers, but they were ones he didn't have all figured out yet, even for himself.

"You can do whatever you want!" James smiled brilliantly, trying to also pull one out of his brother. "Do you wanna date someone else? I can help you with that, or you can just be single for a while. Either way, the guys and I are here for you," James insisted positively, nodding when they made eye contact and getting the desired smile out of Carlos.

"You don't think what I did was wrong, do you? Was it bad that I was with someone that I wasn't in love with?" he asked nervously, wringing his hands together and licking his coffee-flavored lips.

"Carlos, I am the worst guy in the world to ask that question. I'm not Kendall," James reminded him softly, almost seeming sad by the fact, "but I do know something about sex and relationships, even if none of mine are permanent, and I know you. You're Carlos Garcia. You'll bounce back quickly and figure out what you want to do, and you'll have a smile on your face the whole time. You're a great guy, so good things will just happen for you because you deserve it," James declared happily, sounding confident in his speech.

After the dance and his feud with Kendall, James really did learn to do better. He knew from that day on that Carlos needed him to change. He had spent most of high school dragging Carlos into his escapades with the female students, not ever thinking that the boy would not want what he wanted. He learned that Carlos wasn't like him, and he needed different things to be happy. Carlos wanted a wife and family for his future, which was miles away from what James had planned for his own life, but best friends supported each other and helped their dreams come true even if they didn't make any sense to them. James would still live his own life in an emotionally dangerous manner, but he reminded himself to tell Carlos that being diverse was fine. It was okay to want love and girlfriends, even if James took every chance he got to dismiss the idea for himself.

"Thanks, Buddy," Carlos looked eternally grateful, but James was just happy to see the smile back on his brother's face. Carlos always seemed wrong without his smile.

"It's what I'm here for," he waved his hand dismissively through the air before suddenly smirking wickedly. "So, how was it? Was it… good?" he asked suggestively, searching for details.

"No, James, haven't you heard? Sex is terrible," Carlos laughed sarcastically, sobering up to answer the question honestly while he played with the zipper of his jacket. "It was… fun, but I was really nervous at first. Is that weird?" he appeared embarrassed, and James instantly wanted to hug him.

The one thing Chris had done for James was give him the power of confidence and knowledge when it came to intimacy. Eduardo didn't have that type of overly friendly relationship with Carlos, so the boy had no one to turn to about these things besides his friends. Logan was inexperienced in everything but AP classes. He also avoided talking to Kendall, worried about what the thoughts would bring up about Sage for the healing boy. So, Carlos relied on James when it came to advice about females and sex, knowing that he was definitely the most experienced.

"Don't freak out, Carlitos. _**Every **_guy's first time is nerve-wracking. Kendall is the exception, not the rule. He totally won the lottery with Sage," James claimed playfully, keeping his voice intentionally light and friendly so that Carlos would be comfortable.

Kendall had explained how fast he and Sage got together, and how perfect it was, but James didn't want Carlos to think that was the way it was for everyone. They all had their awkward moments; moments where they couldn't be the suave guy in the relationship. This included James. He was no different from anyone else. He just had more experience than an average seventeen-year-old, and it wasn't even something he was always proud of.

"So, even you were anxious your first time?" Carlos wondered skeptically, not seeming convinced that he wasn't the only nervous teenager in the room.

"I was completely out of my mind!" James chuckled, thinking back to when he lost his virginity at fifteen.

It had been with a girl one year older than him, and she had been swept away with his personality after only two dates. They ended up at her house, where the deed was done. Carlos knew the basics, but James never divulged the dirty details. He was going to do it now, though, thinking that Carlos needed the comfort. James leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees to tell the story.

"I was a wreck with her. I lost it way too early, and we had to go for a second round. She was really understanding and sweet, but I felt like an idiot with her guiding me the whole way through it. Granted, I did learn a lot, but I never felt more like a kid than I did then. It was all worth it though. Our first time is gonna happen one way or another, and we just gotta put a positive spin on it. For me, it was gaining some much appreciated experience, and, for you, it's having a good memory with a nice girl who cared about your feelings," James explained humbly, slightly surprising Carlos with the display of vulnerability. Even though he sounded like his usual, confident self when he told his story, Carlos knew that James just trusted him with something big. He was sharing for the sake of making him feel better, and it worked like a charm.

"You're right," Carlos nodded happily.

"I'm James Diamond. I'm always right," the brunette picked up his backpack, sharing a knowing smile of gratefulness and thanks with his best friend as he redirected the conversation. "Let's get started on this project, but we can't move too fast. I want you to stay the night, or Mom will be able to corner me into talking about my sex life some more… and trust me when I say that this conversation would be nowhere near as fun with her," James' lips tightened, fighting back a shudder at the thought of having a serious discussion with Sandra.

Carlos laughed and reached back to grab his books off of the bed. They fell to the floor unceremoniously as he dug through them for the small booklet on Shakespeare. He stared at it with disgust, slouching against the side of the bed in defeat.

"This is gonna be so boring. I hope the guys are having a better weekend than this."

* * *

Logan never saw his mother until Sunday morning. So, he had spent the better half of his weekend alone.

Laura Mitchell didn't show up to get her son from the police station, and Mrs. Garcia took pity on the forlorn boy and brought him home. Logan told himself that it was perfectly understandable. She wasn't supposed to get back from her trip until later in the day on Saturday anyway, and it was undoubtedly difficult to rearrange flight schedules after Officer Garcia called and informed her of the trouble Logan had gotten himself into, but he couldn't fight off the feeling of loneliness and disappointment he experienced when Laura never walked through the entrance of Sherwood Police Department.

After he got home on Saturday morning, Logan texted a concerned Carlos for a little bit, but spent most of his time trying to call his mother. Laura never answered, and he hadn't fully expected her to. He was worried, but he was used to the feeling, and pushed it away almost as quickly as it came. Laura and Logan rarely talked to each other on the phone, or in person for that matter, so he didn't think it was odd for her to leave his calls unanswered. She was a busy, working woman, but, unfortunately, none of that passionate effort was placed on her son.

She finally showed up a little after midnight on Saturday. Logan had stayed up most of the day, trying to wait for her uncertain arrival, but found himself in bed when she pulled into the driveway. He sat up and curled his legs beneath him on the mattress, when he heard her ascending the stairs, and watched beneath the door for the shadow of her legs to appear on the other side. He waited for her to come in and reprimand him, but, when he saw her feet move into the sliver of light outside of his room, they just kept walking right on by. He had frowned and settled back into bed to fall into a fitful slumber, constantly thinking that she should have come right in, especially after her son had been detained by the police, but she hadn't even paused to think about it. Logan was left feeling more alone than he had in a long time.

On Sunday morning, Logan woke up to a relatively quiet house, and he thought for a moment that he had just dreamt of his mother's return. He came back to reality, though, when he heard rustling from the first floor of the house. He got up quickly, not bothering to change out of his pajama bottoms and t-shirt before descending the stairs and searching for Laura.

He found her in the kitchen, sitting at the island with papers scattered around her. Laura's brown hair was damp and loose around her shoulders, making Logan assume she had showered recently, and she was nibbling on a muffin every time she managed to pull her eyes away from the files and the laptop in front of her. She didn't even notice he was there until he spoke, his voice soft from not using it at all in the last twenty-four hours.

"Hey, M-Mom…" Logan swallowed, trying to alleviate his drying throat while thinking that no one should feel this uncomfortable around their mother. He never knew how to talk to her without thinking he would stress her out, and, in his eyes, Laura had been through quite enough in her life without having to add a troubled son to the mix.

"Hi, Baby! I didn't know you were awake. How did you sleep?" she smiled brightly but didn't move off of her stool. She let him do all the work by closing the distance between them. He enveloped her in a tight embrace, squeezing her with all of his strength.

"Good," Logan's response was quick and short, backing away as he prepared to see what she would say about the party he was involved in on Friday night. When she only turned back to her papers with a nod, his shoulders slumped and a frown quickly formed. He decided to get the conversation going himself. "Listen, Mom, about the whole being-detained-by-the-police thing…"

"Oh, Sweetie, don't worry about that. Eduardo explained everything to me over the phone when he called. I tried my best to get back quickly, but I knew you'd be alright by yourself. You're a good boy, Logan. I know you didn't mean to cause any trouble," she rubbed his arm in a sweet gesture as he leaned beside her on the counter, but it didn't make him feel any better.

Logan wanted her to scold him. He wanted her to care enough to punish him for doing something wrong. He was responsible for throwing a party that essentially ended in a drug bust, but even that wasn't enough for her to get involved. Laura trusted her son too much for his liking. He was a responsible student and child from a very early age despite the drama his father had caused, and Laura relied on his trustworthy nature. She was able to focus on her career and reorganizing her destroyed life without worrying about the stability of her son. Logan bounced back quickly, and he could take care of himself. She never realized that, despite his capability, he didn't want to be put in that position. He appreciated her unwavering trust, but it felt terrible to be dismissed, and that's all she ever did. Logan was just expected to do well, and when he didn't it was easily forgiven without a second thought.

"So, you don't think we should talk?" Logan asked casually, hiding his disappointment and moving over to the fridge to pull out a carton of eggs.

"About what?" Laura responded quickly, not looking away from the screen of her laptop once.

"Anything…" Logan mumbled into the fridge, searching for a stick of butter.

"Mhm?" his mother hummed her question, finally turning away from her work as Logan spun around with a fake smile. He lost his nerve when she looked at him with gentle brown eyes hidden slightly behind her black-rimmed reading glasses.

"Um…work? How was work?" Logan brought the discussion back to the only thing she ever wanted to talk about.

"It went well. I won the case, made lots of money for a large group of executives, and now I'm home," Laura answered cheerfully, keeping her story short with a smile at her son.

Logan nodded with a stoic expression, not seeing any wiggle room in her words to ask more questions, and placed the eggs and butter on the spotless counter. For several minutes, the entire house remained quiet. The only sound was Laura hitting the keys rapidly on her computer, occasionally reading a message on her phone while Logan made himself breakfast. He found it sadly familiar, thinking that he always made breakfast for himself when his mother was out of town, and, now that she had returned, things were no different. It was as if he was still alone.

"Oh, Logan, I forgot that there _**is**_ something I need to discuss with you," Laura's voice cut through the silence just as he slipped his scrambled eggs onto a plate and turned off the burner.

Logan spun around quickly, not able to hide the smile on his face. His mother could talk about absolutely anything and he'd be happy. He just wanted her to say something.

"What is it?" he asked giddily, walking over to grab a polished fork from the drawer with a new hop in his step. He moved towards the island and slid into the seat across from Laura.

"It's about your father…"

For once, her voice was calm and cautious, and Logan wanted to take back all of his earlier thoughts. He didn't feel like talking anymore, especially not about the man that destroyed his family over ten years ago. Patrick walked out of their lives, and, even though it was hard, Logan learned to be grateful for his absence.

"What, um, what a-about him?" Logan shifted his eggs around on his plate, losing his appetite along with his desire to speak.

"He contacted me on Friday."

Logan's fork dropped onto his plate with a shiver-inducing clatter, or maybe it was just the sudden news. Panic ran through him with the memories of his childhood. The brunette's throat tightened into a reflex to cry or shout, but he kept the feeling down in the pit of his stomach, where the need to vomit was forming. After a decade, he had given up the dream of his father returning with open arms and apologies sky high. He had no idea what to think anymore, and his brain usually had everything carefully planned out. It was practically refusing to work at all right now.

"What did Da- What did P-Patrick want from you? Are you alright?"

He couldn't make himself call the man "Dad". The doctor, turned drug addict, had lost that privilege many years ago when the abuse and neglect started. Logan had no other thought besides his mother in that situation. He always believed that Laura had received the brunt of the trauma when Patrick's personality shifted, and he wanted to take care of her now. Ever since the man of their family devastated their structure, Logan had almost turned into the parent of himself, and him mother focused her attention on work. He wanted more from her, but he still never blamed her. For years, he could see her only a single step away from cracking. Keeping her eyes on her career was probably the only thing that kept her sane.

"I'm fine. It was a little blast from the past, but I'm… okay. He actually called about you," Laura shut her laptop and licked her lips, internally preparing for the laying of another huge weight on her son's already burdened shoulders. "He wants to see you."

"No," Logan shook his head immediately, his eyebrows bunching together in anger and confusion. "Please, I don't want to, Mom…" he pushed his plate away and struggled to just stay seated. He felt the need to hide.

"Calm down, Sweetie. I'm not going to make you do anything, and he isn't either. That's why he called on Friday," Laura spoke soothingly, using an attitude of care that Logan hadn't seen in so long. "Patrick wants this to be your choice, so he waited until you were eighteen. He didn't say much, but he sounded… healthy… normal. He didn't even give me any details. All he said was that it was your decision, and then he gave me his number."

Laura stopped, eyeing a shell-shocked Logan warily as she gathered a small card from her bag next to all of the files in front of her. She didn't move from her stool as she placed the card on the counter and slid it across to her son, who grabbed it with a stiff, shaky hand.

_Patrick Mitchell_

_349-555-0241_

It was written in his mother's perfect script, and Logan thought the simple idea of Laura writing his father's name was absurd. He couldn't even wrap his head around the broken couple actually talking over the phone. He clutched the card tightly in his grasp, not sure that he'd ever be able to do what his mother had. Logan used to have so many things he wanted to say to his father. He wanted to beg him to come back. He wanted to thank him for leaving. He wanted to ask him for forgiveness for any silly thing he did that he was sure had caused him to run away. He wanted to force the man to apologize. Every thought had conflicted for years until he finally decided to stop thinking about it altogether. It was easier to forget, but now he was being forced to remember.

"It's up to you, Logan. You're a young man now. Either way, I'll support you," Laura sounded content, and Logan was frustrated with her lack of support. She gave him a small smile and then opened her laptop again.

Their discussion was over, but he was left with no answers. He never got anywhere with Laura.

He spent the rest of the day in his room, leaving his mother to work in peace while his mind clouded over with a billion thoughts. He had no idea what he would decide. He didn't know what the right choice was. Patrick didn't deserve to be welcomed back. He didn't deserve to ask for forgiveness or see his son all grown up, but Logan couldn't find it that cut and dry. The natural curiosity in him wanted to know what his father was like. He wanted to know what the man would say if they ever met face to face.

Logan waited until a little after sunset to make the call to the people he needed most; the only people he knew could make him feel safe and comfortable.

"What's up, Logie?" James' voice instantly brought a smile to his face when he heard it through the receiver, and his expression only brightened when he heard Carlos in the background.

"Logan! We finished a whole literature project by ourselves! It took two freakin' days, but I think we're gonna get a C!" Carlos' voice was excited as he leaned into the phone, sounding thrilled for their anticipated grade and hard work.

"That's awesome," Logan answered enthusiastically, taking a deep breath as he continued. "Um, are you guys good to go out, or are you on house arrest after the party?"

Carlos could apparently sense the shift in his voice because Logan heard him quickly steal the phone completely away from James.

"You want to go to Kendall's, don't you?" a soft, pitying smile was evident in his tone, and it made Logan relax; happy that his friends could read him without even seeing him. It was refreshing after a day around his oblivious mother. "Bad weekend?"

"Yeah, I just spoke with my mother about some stuff, and I need you guys…" Logan admitted sheepishly, switching his phone to the other ear.

"You sound like James. He's been itching to get us all together. You know how much his mom riles him up… I got some stuff I wanna tell you guys too. Let the meeting of the brothers commence!" Carlos cheered happily, making Logan pull the phone away from his head with a chuckle at the loud volume. "I'm technically supposed to be home, but I'll just tell Mom that I gotta work more on the project," Carlos assured him softly, sounding like he was immediately formulating a speech in his head to use on Adriana. "James is already saying goodbye to Ms. Cohen, and he's gonna kick my ass if I don't hurry up. He wants out of here really bad. We'll meet you at Kendall's, Logie!"

With a simple call, Logan's heart felt a little less burdened. He leapt off of his bed and got dressed, rushing out the door with a kiss to his busy mother's cheek.

* * *

"We need you."

James, Carlos, and Logan all stood in a line outside of Kendall's front door with playful, yet somewhat sincere, pouts on their faces. Their blonde friend stood in the foyer of his home with a surprised and pleased smile, observing his brothers casual. They were all huddled together pitifully, and he realized how much he missed them. Ever since he finally let his friends completely back into his life in June, they had hardly spent more than twenty-four hours apart.

"Wow, when I actually have a decent weekend, you guys come over here looking like you got emotionally bombed," Kendall chuckled lightly, thinking of the irony.

He had been the fragile one for so long, only receiving resistance when he wanted to help his friends with the problems he knew they had. Everyone's progress was slow, but they worked as a group, and now it was time for Kendall to return the favor. His brothers needed him, and he'd welcome them with open arms.

"Alright, who wants to go first?" Kendall wondered casually, watching as Carlos stepped through the open door.

"Is your mom or Katie home?" Carlos whispered, moving his eyes around the main floor with James and Logan standing behind him.

"Nope, they went to get dinner," Kendall assured him, raising an eyebrow while he waited for the point of the secrecy.

Carlos shrugged and walked past him, throwing himself down onto the couch in the living room.

"I lost my virginity!" he called out loudly, not making much eye contact as he grabbed some candy out of the dish on the coffee table, earning a chuckle from James as the brunette strolled past Kendall with a shake of his head and sat beside Carlos.

"Ah, conversation starters. They're never dull with you three," Logan smirked and huffed out a breath as he moved into the room to sit across from Carlos. He shared a look with the boy, who seemed nervous about his best friend's reaction, and calmed him with a soft smile and a pat to his shoulder.

Kendall laughed at the boys, happy for their company. He had a good weekend with his mother and sister, surprisingly grateful for the forced imprisonment in his home with them. They got to spend time together like they hadn't since North Dakota, and it made him feel a little lighter than he had in a while, but he still missed his brothers.

They obviously needed him and each other right now. They looked upset outside, but, as soon as Kendall closed the front door, the atmosphere shifted into one of comfort and ease. All four of them settled in for a long discussion; one that would undoubtedly be full of both angst and laughter. That was just how they worked. There were no boundaries between them anymore, and they supported one another blindly.

That's just what best friends were for.

* * *

"Ell, you're my best friend, so don't take this the wrong way, but you're acting really depressing right now," Scott Taylor chuckled lightly at his friend's expression.

He and Elliot were spending their Sunday evening in Ramsey's only local bar, sipping occasionally on a beer between conversation and burgers. They had the whole weekend off, having agreed to work on Thanksgiving, and now the two police officers were enjoying a small break. They'd have to clock back in early Monday morning.

Elliot rolled his eyes, not realizing that his thoughts had drifted off to Sage. Normally, when he was with his best friend, he could focus on Scott. They were like brothers. They were partners for years, ever since Elliot moved to Ramsey, and Scott knew everything about his friend. Well, he knew what Elliot wanted him to.

"Sorry, Scotty, I didn't mean to make you sad," Elliot pouted playfully, knocking shoulders with his partner in the dimly lit bar. He took a swig from his bottle, setting aside the rest. He was never much of a drinker. "But, seriously, stop worrying about me."

"Why shouldn't I be worried? You've been extra quiet since Sage left. You don't have Julia or your daughter now. It's like you're starting over, but you're not really doing anything. You're only 33, Elliot. That's still young. You should be dating," Scott insisted with a smirk, bumping his shoulder back against his friend's and popping a potato chip from his plate into his mouth.

"I am seeing someone," Elliot declared casually, shifting his eyes sideways with a grin, knowing what Scott's reaction would be.

"Dude, you can't keep shit like that a secret!" the slim brunette shouted, laughing as he clapped a hand on Elliot's back and then brought it up to shift the baseball cap on his head so it was out of his eyes. Elliot chuckled and pushed the rest of his food away to the edge of the bar with his beer.

"I wasn't keeping it a secret. You just never asked," Elliot shrugged, squinting to see the clock above the bottles of liquor in front of them. He was thinking about Sage. He wanted to get home to her before it got too late so she could eat dinner.

"Yeah, blame it on me," Scott shook his head in teasing disapproval. "So, what's the problem with her? You can't be mopey because she's too amazing," he added sarcastically, swiveling on his stool to completely face his best friend.

"She _**is**_ amazing," Elliot responded quickly, fighting to keep the sting out of his words. He didn't like the idea of anyone thinking badly about Sage.

He had to remind himself that Scott didn't have any idea who they were really talking about. Scott had known Sage almost as long as Elliot had, and he always cared for the girl, so he wouldn't disapprove of Elliot dating someone like her, but his significant other actually being her was a whole other story. Elliot knew no one would understand the love he had for her. He knew it right from the start, and that's why it was a secret even from the only man he considered family.

"Okay, so why are you here and not with her?" Scott wondered, his features softening when he saw the defensiveness on Elliot's face.

"Things are… tense… between us. We don't really talk. She won't open up to me, or really say much to me at all for that matter," Elliot sighed, tracing a pattern on the surface of the bar through the condensation left by his beer.

"That's because you're not honest with her," Scott answered simply, stating it like it was a fact.

"What?" Elliot's eyes darted to his friend's, feeling panic creep up. He hated talking about honesty and lying because he had to master both to survive. He had to lie to Sage and hold her back at a distance emotionally to keep her around for the last few years, and he always felt the need to tell Scott the truth, but he had to edit it. His partner was his only confidant.

"I know you. You beat around the bush all the time, or just assume that others can read your frickin' mind. This girl can't possibly see inside your head, especially with all the walls you put up. You're a strong guy, but you're way too fuckin' stubborn. You gotta _**talk**_ to her. Let her see what's inside. You're really just a big softy, Ell," Scott smirked, but he was being genuine. He wanted nothing but great things for his best friend.

Scott had watched Elliot move to town with an amazing reputation as a police officer, and he immediately admired him. He was thrilled when they became partners on the force, and Scott saw nothing but kindness and bravery from the young man. Elliot saved lives, and he took in Julia and her eleven-year-old, Sage, when they were living in a crappy apartment at the edge of town. He swept the young mother right off her feet and gave her a home and life, but it didn't end well for anyone. In Scott's eyes, Julia was troubled beyond repair, and her suicide proved him right. Elliot was left to pick up the pieces his wife left behind and care for her daughter all on his own. He gave up what little personal time he had for the two women in his life.

"Shut up. I'm a total badass," Elliot joked, trying to be offended by Scott's comment but knowing that he wasn't too far off the mark.

Deep down, he really used to be a good man; a good human being, but Sage's existence changed him. She altered everything about him and destroyed any preconceived notions he had about love and life. He remembered who he used to be, and he knew who he was now. He didn't always like himself. In fact, Elliot had gotten used to hating himself. He knew that most of what he was doing was wrong, but he had decided to take that path years ago. There was no turning back now. He convinced himself that he had to keep going until he got to his destination or when everything burst into flames, whichever came first.

"Yeah, you're a badass teddy bear," Scott teased, giving him a look that clearly said to stop denying his own feelings. "Go see her. Go talk. If things get good, then you guys can come over to me and Courtney's sometime," Scott referred to his longtime girlfriend, pushing Elliot out of his seat. "Dinner's my treat," he added, pulling out his wallet and throwing money on the counter. "Go get your girl," he smiled innocently, trying to get some confidence out of Elliot, but his friend just saw it as naïve.

Elliot hated himself for lying to Scott, and he felt like he was tarnishing him just with his presence, but he was selfish, and he wouldn't give up his best friend. He'd rather keep living two lives. He had done if for several years, and he was sure he'd be able to continue the act.

"Thanks, Scott. I'll see you tomorrow."

Elliot left quickly, anxious to get to home. He wished it was as simple as "getting his girl", but nothing was easy with him and Sage. He knew it was doomed right from the start, and that's why he fought so hard for it. He had made so many mistakes, and now he had to live with them, but he wanted Sage by his side. It's what he had always wanted.

* * *

Elliot got home and fixed her dinner quickly, gathering a sandwich and a can of soda in his arms before climbing up the steps.

Sage could hear it the moment he entered the house. She had gotten good at detecting his movements, but he never really stopped surprising her. No matter how hard she tried, she could never fully know what was going on beyond her prison door.

She sat on top of her dresser with her legs folded beneath her. She had a notebook in her lap, but she found that she couldn't write lyrics much anymore. Her mind was always too busy or too numb with nothing and everything. She and Elliot had reached a sort of standstill in the last several months. She had lost her fight, and he stopped trying to aggravate her on purpose with a smirk or nasty comment. Sometimes he raped her, but mostly he seemed uncomfortable around her. She wouldn't speak unless spoken to, and she had stopped arguing or taking sarcastic jabs. It was an easy lesson for her to learn. She got hurt worse when she annoyed him, so she stopped using her voice altogether unless prompted. Sage didn't even say anything anymore when he climbed on top of her.

With a small, sickening click, the lock on the door was turned and it swung open slowly. Elliot's brown eyes scanned the room anxiously, not settling down until he spotted Sage on her dresser. She looked at him shortly, appearing completely impassive to his movements as he put a plate and soda on her desk. She looked emotionless, and her body had stopped reacting to his presence a few months ago, but on the inside she was begging and praying for him to turn around and leave her alone again.

"I want to talk to you," Elliot crushed her hopes and slipped the key into his shirt; something he always did when he was prepared to stay in and not use it right away to secure the lock from the outside.

She placed her notebook aside without a single word, swallowing thickly as she waited for him to make a move. Their talks normally ended in violence and tears.

Elliot sat on the side of her bed across from the dresser and sighed heavily as he braced his forearms against his thighs. He ran a hand through his short, brown hair and licked his lips as he prepared to talk. Every movement made Sage sick simply because of the fact that they weren't familiar to her. Whenever Elliot did something new, she felt even more lost; thinking she'd never figure him out.

"I know you hate me, and that's never what I wanted," he sounded vulnerable, like he was waiting for her to yell at him and feared her reaction.

Elliot looked weak.

"I was _**normal**_ before I met you. I was _**good**_," he smiled bitterly, thinking back to what he used to be; to what he wished he had remained, "and now I just do crazy things. It's all because of you, and I don't think you understand that, do you?" Elliot glanced up, his eyes coming back into focus to look at Sage

The blonde girl was frozen, her feet hanging off the edge of her dresser and her hands gripping the wood tightly. She couldn't tear her attention away from him. This was the most entertaining thing she'd seen in over half of a year, and she couldn't fight back the curiosity. She wanted to know more about Elliot, and that scared her.

"No, I don't," she confirmed in a whisper, clearing her scratchy throat when the words struggled to form.

"I never expected you to. That was my fault. I should have been honest from the start, but the truth is that I don't always know what I'm doing. I'm scared all the time. I've been a wreck since the first time I ever saw you," he paused, casting his eyes towards the ceiling as he remembered the past vividly. "Your mother was working as a waitress at the diner. I had only been in town for a few weeks at the time. She took my order, and I hardly gave her a second glance, but then I saw her walk over to you. You were wearing a yellow shirt and jeans, and your hair was even blonder than it is now. You were just doing your homework while Julia was finishing her shift, and I fell in love with you."

Sage shook her head slowly, feeling all the air leave her lungs. She had never known any of this. She didn't even remember the day her mother met Elliot, and in turns out that she was there. Sage's existence alone was the start of the downward spiral she was experiencing now. She never had a choice.

Elliot continued, watching her face carefully for reactions. He looked nervous and guilty.

"I know that's stupid and insane, but I just knew that I loved you. I knew we were soul mates, and I knew that I was fucked up in the head for it. I had _**never**_ had feelings like that before. I was an average guy. I dated occasionally, had a few serious relationships, and did my job well. I just lived my life, and then you appeared and everything changed," Elliot whispered, appearing to be haunted by the memories he had tried to leave behind long ago.

Sage stared, unmoving and not blinking. She wasn't even sure her heart was beating.

"I tried to ignore it. I felt disgusting and angry. What did I do to deserve that? I saved lives for a living, and then something like that just pushed me to the ground and pummeled me. I got more violent, and I realized that it was because I was trying to hide. I was so frustrated with lying, so I gave in. I accepted the fact that I was going to hell, and I pursued Julia so I could be around you. I had to have a plan… I knew I didn't want you like that, as a child, so I was determined to wait. I kept telling myself that it would be worth it. I was just going to be with your mother because that was the closest I could get to you. I thought that, maybe, I could make you love me if I took care of you, but the anger took over all the time. Julia frustrated me because she encouraged me to treat you like a daughter. That's the fuckin' last thing I wanted. I _**hate**_ that you're my stepdaughter now. I hated signing those adoption papers, but I did it for you. I had to take care of you when Julia was gone. You couldn't go to foster care. I couldn't handle never seeing you again."

Elliot told his story with tears in his eyes, looking disturbed at reliving the past. He had come to terms with his illness long ago. He knew his feelings were wrong, and that's why he was so agitated most of the time. He had to fight them, thinking that he'd be locked away if anyone knew the truth, and sometimes that's all he wanted. For the longest time, he knew that he deserved to be behind bars or in an institution, but he took the selfish route. Instead of fighting it, he gave into it full force. Once he made his decision, he never looked back. If he did, he'd just want to kill himself. Actually having Sage in the way he'd always wanted her was his only chance at being happy. He was tired of being angry. He was tired of being violent. He just wanted to be who he was several years ago. He wanted to be the guy Scott thought he was.

Sage felt even sicker than she had the first time Elliot raped her. She could tell herself that he was disturbed before, but now she knew the truth. He wasn't just unstable. It was so much more.

From his story, she knew how much he believed that they were soul mates, and Sage was all too familiar with that feeling. She and Kendall were meant to be. If someone told them that they couldn't be together because it was wrong, they would be crushed just like Elliot. She thought that she could have easily gone insane without Kendall's love. Her stepfather had been alone for years in his internal struggle, and his feelings would never be reciprocated. This was the first time that Sage felt sympathy for her captor.

"If you love me like you say you do, why did you hit me? That's not what you do to someone you care about," Sage found her voice, feeling calm with the emotional environment. Elliot looked tired. He wasn't going to attack her if she spoke.

"I hurt you because I wanted you to have no one. I needed you to need me like I need you. I never wanted to scare you, but if you had lived a normal life, you would have had friends to turn to… to tell about me. I had you under my control, and everything was going perfect, and then Kendall Knight moved to town," Elliot smiled and rolled his eyes, and Sage thought he was about to snap, but he stayed seated and continued speaking calmly and sadly, "That family messed things up. I didn't want to do this, you know. I didn't want to lock you up at all or treat you differently until you were eighteen, but that stupid kid ruined my plans. He affected you. He cared about you, and I had to get him to leave, and then the plans changed. Now, we're here… You're locked up, and I hate myself even more than before, but it has to be like this. We can't have people in our life. They wouldn't understand what we are. It's just you and me now, and I'm gonna make you see that that's all we need."

"I don't know what you want," Sage admitted softly, feeling absolutely nothing but confusion.

"I want us to be together. I want us to kiss. I want to hold you. I want to talk about my day with you," Elliot's expression softened with a real smile, and he stood up from the bed.

The movement had Sage instinctively dropping her feet to the floor and standing steadily, readying for something to happen, but he just approached her slowly. She backed up around the dresser cautiously and pressed her shoulders into the wall. Elliot stopped in front of her, just inches from touching her.

"I'm not expecting a miracle, but what I _**want**_ is for us to be a normal couple. I don't want you to see me as your stepfather. I want to be your friend. I want to be your boyfriend. I want to be yours, and I want you to be mine," he answered gently, keeping a loving smile as he reached up to touch her cheek.

He chose to ignore the way she flinched at the contact.

"I want you to give yourself to me. I don't like having to take you or seeing you cry. It makes me sick. I want you to smile like you did for Ken-… like you did for Kendall," Elliot struggled to say the name, feeling disgusted by the thought of the young man Sage put her trust in before him.

He feels like he has big shoes to fill. He saw the way Sage and Kendall looked at each other, and was sure that it was what he would look like if Sage returned his feelings. He was jealous of Kendall. He wanted what he had so easily taken; Sage's heart.

"What am I supposed to say?" Sage asked, at a loss for words. She didn't know what the accurate response to his declaration of love was. It was so much for her to take in. Elliot was supposed to be a monster. He wasn't supposed to have feelings. Now, he just made everything harder.

"Say you'll give us a chance," Elliot pleaded, looking like a young boy just waiting to be crushed by the weight of being denied his dreams.

"I can't. That's too much to ask. You're not giving me a choice. I'm here against my will. I'm your hostage… I'm your victim, Elliot," Sage spoke slowly and softly, knowing she was delivering bad news. She'd be lying if she said she didn't feel remorseful. She was used to being hurt, not actually doing the harm herself.

"Don't say that," Elliot begged, his tears finally gathering in his eyes at the accusation. The more she spoke the truth, the more she cracked his delusions. He felt safe in the fantasy he created because he knew that, beyond it, there was only darkness for him.

"I thought you wanted me to be honest," Sage declared, a slight agitation creeping into her tone. Even with Elliot standing against her, she spoke freely. After all, it's what he asked her to do. He wants her to open up.

"It hurts," Elliot admitted, startled by the realization. He thought he was invincible, but Sage was the only one who could do him any harm. She could creep inside and make him see the truth; the truth he wants so desperately to hide. "I just want to love you. I try to show you all the time-"

"What you do to me is rape," Sage informed him sternly, thinking that she could get through to him, but his walls were building back up.

"Don't!" He yelled, making it sound more like a whine as he clutched the top of her arm and pressed her a little more firmly into the wall. He wouldn't look her in the eyes.

"Kendall will always be a better man than you. He never hurt me. He made love to me," Sage was gaining confidence as she continued despite her vulnerable position.

"You slept with that fucker?" Elliot's eyes found hers, and his tears were fading. He stared right at her in shock.

Sage stuttered, thinking that Elliot must have known that already, but he really had deluded himself into believing he had everything under control.

"Y-Yes…"

"You lost your virginity to him? He was your first?" Elliot looked like he was going to vomit as he pressed his free hand into the wall beside Sage's head and used the other to tighten his grip on her, almost as if he thought she was going to disappear.

"He was my only," she insisted softly, believing that every second Elliot raped her didn't count as sex. That privilege belonged to Kendall, and it always would.

"I waited for _**years**_, and he comes to town for a few months and steals it!" Elliot growled, not even focusing his anger on her. He seemed to be thinking more about his hate for Kendall, but Sage's next words brought him back to reality.

"I gave it to him."

Elliot lost his fragile control and pulled his hand back. Sage braced herself for the strike, but it never came. Instead, Elliot's fist made contact with the wall beside her, and then the room went silent. At first she thought it was a warning blow, something he'd done so many times before to intimidate her, but then Sage realized that he had deliberately changed his course. Elliot was holding himself up on the wall with his head right beside hers. He was breathing heavily, trying to calm down as the rage settled inside of him.

Sage let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding, and slumped against the wall, not fighting it when Elliot pressed his face towards her neck.

"I wish you would stop testing me…" he whispered into her ear. He lifted one of his hands and ran his fingers through her hair. "I said I loved you, and I meant it. Nothing you do or say is going to change that." Elliot raised his mouth up to her temple, kissing it lightly. "I'm gonna- I'll be back in the morning… Eat your dinner… I love you."

Elliot didn't look at her as he moved slowly towards the door and left without another word.

Sage slumped to the floor, not even able to cry. She thought she had known her stepfather. She spent the last six years with him, but she never really understood him until now. It was all a carefully crafted show by a monster, but now he looked human. Elliot was vulnerable. He had thoughts, emotions, and desires. Worst of all, he just showed that he had control; a control Sage didn't realize he possessed.

That made it harder to be around him. She couldn't predict what would happen. He was a diverse human being even more complicated than most. With Elliot's love and past out in the open, nothing was simple any more. He couldn't just be her tormentor because he actually cared about her. There was no more completely right or wrong. Nothing was just good or bad.

They had entered a gray area.

* * *

**A/N: So, I'll admit to all right now, that I personally LOVE Elliot. I think he's an awesome character to write, and we'll be seeing more of him soon. Like the narrative said, it's not all black and white. It's not just an easy fix or answer, and I'll be exploring that :D Get ready for more angst and drama, but keep my promise of a happy ending in the back of your mind :D **

**Next week, there will be a large focus on Logan and Sage, and their pasts :) We'll get to see more of who exactly Patrick Mitchell was, and we'll learn more of Elliot's story (what happened in the background while Sage was oblivious to his plan).**

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I LOVE new people :D Say hi. I don't bite ;) **


	26. Big Time Forgiveness

**A/N: This was a little later (like an hour lol) than I intended, but I'm REALLY happy with how it came out :D It's a setup for things to come… ;) **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**DO IT: ****Go read**_ Surfergal23_**'s lovely story Hooked. It's an angsty Kendall/OC :)  
**

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 26: BIG TIME FORGIVENESS_

* * *

"Merry Christmas," Elliot's voice was calm and composed as he stared at Sage, who was watching him cautiously just as she always did.

Officer Henderson worked most of the day during Christmas, but now it was later in the evening. He had come home and hurried to her room excitedly almost as soon as he arrived. He very rarely spent time around the house unless he was in her bedroom, much to Sage's annoyance. It had been almost a full month since Elliot bared his heart to her, and nothing really changed between them. The only difference was that Sage began speaking more. She no longer tried to hide inside of herself when he came into her personal space because there was nothing she could do. He wasn't much of a physical threat anymore. He very rarely touched her maliciously, seeming to hate the way she had come to fear him, and Elliot mostly kept his distance, but that didn't stop him from talking.

Sage quickly learned that the real Elliot was quite social. The man she used to know, her stepfather, had been silent and withdrawn, but now she realized that it was because of the real feelings he locked inside. The person in front of her was different in every way, and that scared her more than a vicious Elliot. An Elliot who was kind and attempted to be thoughtful and respectful was emotionally difficult to handle, but she constantly reminded herself of her situation. She was still his prisoner no matter what he did. His motives may have been pure, but his actions were delusional. He lived by his own code; one that Sage had to learn in order to understand him. She was still trying to grasp it, and it seemed to get farther and farther away from her all the time. Maybe Elliot would be the only one to ever comprehend what went on in his own head, but, sometimes, she thought that it all eluded him too.

"This is for you," he smiled, handing her a small box wrapped in silver paper.

Sage eyed it skeptically but still took it into her shaky hand as she shifted back a little bit more towards the end of the mattress so that she would fall off of it if she went any farther.

As soon as Elliot had entered her room that evening, he pulled her over to the dreaded piece of furniture, which she hadn't been happy about. Nothing good ever happened on the bed.

Elliot crossed his legs beneath him and leaned back onto the headboard, almost sensing that Sage wanted more space, and watched her with a slight grin as she cradled the tiny present in her hands at the foot of the bed. She took one more glance at him, keeping her face stoic, and began ripping the paper away.

When the gift was finally revealed, she couldn't even move. It was a piece of jewelry, but it wasn't that simple. It never was with Elliot. Resting snugly in the velvet box was Julia's engagement ring. Her thoughts were moving too quickly for her to grab onto a single one, but they were all of her mother.

"Why are you giving me this?" Sage whispered, her green eyes wide with panic as her breaths became shallow like she had almost forgotten how to take air into her lungs.

"Breathe, Sage. I'm not proposing," Elliot chuckled, rolling his eyes quickly at her obvious conclusion. Elliot was disturbed, but he wasn't an idiot. He knew Sage would never agree to marry him. "I just think you should have it. It's yours," he shrugged, lifting his hand through the air to point at the ring still nested in Sage's sweaty palm.

"It's Mom's," she corrected him swiftly, moving her stare up to search his brown eyes for understanding. He wasn't letting her in.

"No, it's not," Elliot shook his head slowly, keeping his focus on her. "I told you before that it has always been you, Sage. Julia was just a stop along the way," he shrugged for a second time, attempting to appear nonchalant by her judging look, but she wasn't buying it. If she had learned anything in the last seven months, it was definitely the ability to tell whether or not he was trying to keep something from her.

Sage scoffed with an exasperated smile and glared at him, thinking that she's seen this act before and was in no mood to deal with it.

"I don't want this ring," she declared sternly, raising her hand up to give the jewelry back. She didn't bother concealing her attitude from him. He never cared anymore anyway. He didn't mind what she said or did as long as she was doing it honestly. Just the thought of it twisted her stomach in knots. It was almost as if Elliot was starting to really know her, like he knew what her reaction would be to this.

"You don't have to wear it until you're ready," he offered easily, seeming to think that was her problem. An engagement ring was a big gesture whether it actually meant a proposal or not.

"I don't want anything from you, Elliot," Sage cleared up her intentions with a sharp tone, not trying to fight away the scowl she shot him. She was still studying him, feeling as though something about the entire conversation was off, which made her captor nervously move his eyes to a random spot on the wood floor beside the bed.

"Why can't you just accept a gift?" Elliot sighed, feeling off balance and agitated. Sage was staring right at him, and it made him anxious. He looked like he wanted to get up and walk out of the room so he wouldn't have to see the way her eyes analyzed him. For once, it felt like Sage had the control.

"What's wrong with you? Why would I want my dead mother's ring?" she paused, letting her mouth say whatever it wanted before she seemed to finally grasp what was happening. Her lips set into a tight line, examining the way Elliot's eyes met hers only for a moment and how his fingers wrung together tensely. "What are you hiding?" she asked suspiciously, trying to appear as strong as she could, thinking it was the only way to get an answer out of him. She wouldn't back down.

"Nothing… She was important to you," Elliot offered lamely, his voice rising a little while his gaze still refused to meet hers.

"But she wasn't to you… You never cared about her," Sage insisted, knowing that it was the truth. Even after Julia slit her wrists, Elliot didn't seem fazed all that much. He never hid the fact that he didn't have a high regard for his wife. He had beaten her for years before he touched Sage.

"You're right, I didn't," he relented slightly, agreeing with her statement quietly.

"There's something you want to say, but you're not saying it…" Sage thought aloud, growing more curious as the seconds ticked by. She found herself wanting to know the truth. She had no idea when it started, but she actually wanted to hear what Elliot had to say.

"Wow, this sharing thing is really biting me in the ass," he mumbled, attempting humor, but it was lost on Sage.

"I'm done talking. I'm not playing any more games with you," Sage spoke strictly, tossing the ring onto his lap without a second thought.

She lifted herself up confidently, using her hands to push her body off of the bed, and swung her legs around towards the edge of the mattress. Sage knew she had nowhere to go but was still determined to ignore him and sit at her desk like he wasn't even there. Before her feet could touch the ground, Elliot grabbed her wrist. She stiffened immediately, not fighting as he tried to tug her back into a sitting position on the bed. The fear was almost there, bubbling up in her throat and begging to turn into a strangled cry, but then she noticed how he touched her. It wasn't with harsh force. It was gentle despite the desperate words that left his mouth, and it was so unlike him; unlike how she wished he'd be. When Elliot was kind, he was even harder to deal with. She never knew exactly how to react.

"Wait… Just stay… Th-There's something that I n-never told y-you…" Elliot claimed nervously, stuttering over his words as he released her arm as soon as she was back in front of him, realizing he had no reason to touch her anymore.

"I thought you explained everything you had to last month…" she said, keeping her legs in front of her but pulling her upper body back in apprehension. She just felt like she needed to keep her distance. It's how she always felt around Elliot no matter how calm he was. She couldn't put trust in him.

"I left part of our past out… I didn't want you to hate me," he admitted meekly, swallowing harshly and licking his lips as his fingers came back together on his lap again.

"Trust me, you're safe," Sage rolled her eyes, keeping the rest of her expression guarded. They both knew she couldn't feel any worse about him.

"Whatever happened is done. I can't take it back, so why should we talk about it?" he wondered fearfully, quietly begging her to let it go. He was being evasive, and it aggravated Sage more than she thought it would.

"It's all you wanna do! 'Talk to me, Sage'," she whined dramatically, mocking him and throwing her hands in the air. "That's all I hear every day from your fuckin' mouth, and now, when I ask you a question, you dodge me!" she yelled in frustration, turning his own tactics back on him and angrily staring at the man who claimed to love her.

She was so sick of feeling out of the loop. She was tired of being bothered, and she wanted to be able to predict his behavior like before, when he used to just hit her. The physical violence was disturbing, although explainable, but emotions were more complex. They made everything difficult between them.

"Fine… Okay, you're right…" Elliot sighed heavily, not caring about her outburst. If she had ever done that a year ago, it would have landed her in the hospital, but Elliot was different now. He didn't mind Sage speaking her mind. He was determined to be the person he had been before, and that started with changing his attitude.

Elliot appeared to think for a moment, still looking apprehensive, before he slumped his shoulders in defeat when Sage's cold stare never ceased. He rested even further against the headboard, pulling one leg up to his chest so that he could throw his forearm on top of his knee. His story started slow, his expression emulating the one shown when he had told another tale a month before. By that look alone, Sage's stomach turned, knowing that nothing good would come from this.

"Your mother and I had a very… turbulent… relationship. Truthfully, I didn't like her, and she fell in love with me, but that was only because I made sure that she would… I took care of her and gave her everything she asked for, and the second that I put this ring on her finger was when I knew the deal was sealed."

Elliot stopped, thinking as he picked up the jewelry box and flipped it open and shut repeatedly. Sage waited for him to get to his point, none of his words actually surprising her. She had seen the way he treated her mother, and Julia had stopped expressing any love for the man way too late for her feelings to make a difference. As far as Sage knew, Julia let her dark emotions get the best of her, and she never stood up for herself, which lead to her eventual suicide; leaving Sage alone.

As she remained lifeless, simply watching Elliot and refusing to let any emotions take her over, Sage listened while he continued.

"I had you in my life for good, but I couldn't just hide the anger I carried… I took it out on her, and I felt bad, I really did…" Elliot sounded desperate for understanding, looking upset by the whole situation, but Sage gave him nothing, "… but I never stopped. I just couldn't control myself. Seeing you every day was supposed to make me relax, but it just agitated me… Time was moving too slow. I wanted to fast-forward to where you are now; a young woman… The wait, the guilt and frustration, ate away at me. It kept building and building, and everything Julia did pissed me off… I'd hit her, and then I would apologize, and she forgave me. We were in this sick cycle, one I had full control of, but then I hit her one too many times… She couldn't handle it. She wasn't strong like you are…"

Elliot paused to give her an expression that made bile rise in her throat. He was proud of her; proud of Sage for surviving him and the tests he gave her and himself. She didn't know whether or not to be pleased that she actually made it to this point. It was entirely hellish, but she was alive. She was still breathing, and that was something she wouldn't have been doing if she gave up. Elliot thought that it was just in her character, but Sage owed her strength to Kendall. He was the reason for everything she did since the day she met him in the ER, but Elliot would never know that. He could never understand the bond between Kendall and Sage, which he actually managed to improve with his brutal actions.

She still refused to give him any acknowledgement other than her eyes glaring into his own shifting ones, so Elliot continued with short breaths, stumbling over a few of his words. Sage knew that his confession was coming. She just never really expected it to be what it was.

"When you were thirteen, Julia decided she was going to leave me, but I couldn't let her take you… I worked too hard to get you only to watch her steal you away… I-I couldn't l-let you get a-away…" he looked at her pleadingly, remorse decorating his face with a small pout and glassy eyes.

"Oh my god…" Sage whispered, all of the air suddenly leaving her lungs and escaping in one big wave with a trembling sigh. Her chin hit her chest as she bent her head down, attempting to ground herself and breathe, while her hands rubbed at the thighs of her pants.

Julia died when Sage was thirteen. She committed suicide. That's what Sage thought after finding her body in the bathtub. It's what everyone thought, but they were wrong…

Elliot panicked, watching the transformation of Sage's face with wide eyes. He wanted to avoid this, but she asked him to be honest, and he couldn't deny her. He sat up, leaning forward to shorten the distance between them with a miserable countenance.

"I had to do it! She was going to separate us! I had to kill her!"

The confession, the actual words, made Sage clutch the sheets beneath her. She pivoted, planting her feet on the cold ground. She tried to keep breathing, but the air wouldn't come. She was hyperventilating.

Everything she ever thought about her deceased mother was a lie. She had experienced so many negative emotions when she was sure that Julia made the choice to leave her only daughter in this world with a monster. On the inside, and only ever on the outside to Kendall, she called her mother selfish and cruel for abandoning her for an eternal escape. She thought that Julia had decided to end her life and leave her timid daughter behind, but the young woman never had a choice. Elliot never gave anyone any leeway. He controlled everything.

Sage felt like the room was spinning as she stared at the lines in the grain of the wood beneath her. Her hands tangled into her blonde hair tightly, just trying to make everything feel more real. Suddenly, everything became too tangible. The way Elliot's large hand reached out to clasp her shoulder shocked her right into action.

She jumped up with a sob that reminded Elliot of the first night he raped her, and he felt almost as sick as she looked. It all had gotten so out of hand. He structured everything about Sage's life and his own, but now it felt like there was no organization. He couldn't predict anything anymore. He couldn't just make her give in to him no matter how much he wished she would. Sage's range of emotions, her ability to see him, scared Elliot beyond belief.

"How could you- What did you do to her?" Sage looked angry, shocking both of them. Around Elliot she usually resorted to fear, but he told her to be honest all the time, and she was tired of lying. She felt infuriated, and she wasn't going to keep holding onto her terror and not show it.

She bore her eyes right into Elliot, making him feel uncomfortable as he climbed off of the bed to stand in front of her, where she stood with an arm around her torso, seeming to be trying to hold herself together. Her other hand was balled into a fist at her side, and her legs shook beneath her.

"When she told me that she was going to leave town and take you with her, I begged her to stay. I eventually convinced her to stick around until she had a stable place to go. I told her I wouldn't fight her on it and that I'd even help her, but it was all lies… One day, while you were in school, I slipped her a few sleeping pills and put her in the tub… and then I slowly slit her wrists. It looked like a cut and dry suicide case. There was no investigation. I did it very carefully… I couldn't get caught, or you'd be left all alone…"

Elliot's eyes stung along with his chest, feeling the regret building up around his protected heart, but he pushed it down. He had gotten good at that. He was well practiced in blocking the unwanted emotions and amplifying the ones he coveted.

Sage covered her face with her hands, crouching down while still struggling to calm the nerves wracking her body. He was explaining just as she had asked, which she was regretting now, but none of it made sense. Elliot rarely did. He was insane, and she wasn't equipped with the tools or the mental stability of her own to deal with him. She just had to roll with the punches because she was trapped.

Life changed with captivity. The rules were different. Right and wrong were different. Coping required risks and unsettling behavior. Nothing was normal, and, in turn, normal reactions were considered absurd. Elliot and Sage lived entirely different lives deep inside the Hendersons' house; ones that many others would never understand.

"You're it for me, Sage. You're my only option. I couldn't let you leave me," Elliot elaborated, looking as if he was going to stretch his arm out to touch her, thinking it may console her, but he changed his mind before his hand even left his side. He didn't want to upset her even more.

He never wanted her to know any of this in the first place, but, with honesty, came the truth, no matter how much he wanted to fight it. When he decided to dive into this head first, with Sage kicking and screaming the entire way, Elliot knew that he was in for a battle. He had prepared for this, and he was sure he could handle it, but Sage made his mind and body do things that he had never done before. She was beyond anything he'd ever known. She was worth going to hell for, and he didn't have a clue why. His love for her just happened, and he would have felt stupid if he kept questioning it. He just jumped in with both feet and damned all of the consequences.

His concern turned to disbelief as he listened to Sage chuckle darkly, running a hand through her hair as she recovered from all of the emotional blows.

"I don't know why I'm even a little bit surprised. I should have seen this coming… You're a monster Elliot… You're _**nothing**_ to me," she yelled at him viciously. She was still crying an occasional tear, moisture clouding her vision, but her whole visage radiated anger and hatred, making Elliot take a step back.

His heart ached beneath his ribs at her words, the new sentiments being declared so rapidly that he wasn't expecting them, but he recovered from the hurt quickly and replaced it with his own annoyance.

"Kendall would have done something just like it. We're no diff-"

Elliot's voice was cut off almost as soon as it began when Sage slapped him across the face.

The smack echoed throughout the room, silencing both Elliot and his stepdaughter. His cheek stung, and her hand burned from the force she had used, but she would have never taken it back, and Elliot seemed more shocked than anything else.

"Don't ever compare yourself to him. Kendall is nothing like _**you**_," her tone was severe and demanding, almost sending a chill up Elliot's spine. He never saw fire like that from her until he mentioned Kendall; the boy who always crawled under his skin even when he wasn't in the same state.

"That's where you're wrong, Sage. That's the one thing your brilliant mind never seems to comprehend," Elliot smiled, sounding cynical as he continued with Sage only staring at him incredulously. "You act like he's so much better than me! The annoying fuck wasn't exactly a saint when he beat the crap out of that Glickman kid," he announced, smirking at her like he had won the argument and enjoying the shock on her face when she realized he knew more than she thought about that day. Elliot always knew everything.

"Kendall would never _**kill**_ someone," Sage insisted sternly, looking right into his brown eyes with as much hatred as she could.

"Oh, but he would," he held his stance firmly, trying to keep her eye contact so that she would know he was serious. "He would do it for you in a heartbeat, just like I did, and you know it…" Elliot's voice had softened, but the edge began to creep back. Kendall always agitated him more than Sage ever could. "He and I are so much alike, but he gets to be a god in your eyes, and I'm always the bad guy. Why can't you see that I'm just as good as him? Everything I do is for us… That's what he'd tell you, isn't it?"

Elliot coaxed her gently, watching her face fall. The anger was being replaced with torment. He stepped closer to her, lifting up his hand to caress her shoulder softly. Sage quickly shrugged him away, inhaling deeply.

"St-Stop trying to confuse m-me…" she ordered him weakly, squeezing her eyes shut at the torrent of memories and thoughts that invaded her head.

Elliot wasn't all wrong. His dialogue was twisted, but he wasn't lying. Kendall would absolutely kill for her if he needed to, and she knew it without a doubt, and the comparison to Elliot frightened her more than any physical intimidation. It threatened to damage the thick barrier she put between the two men. Kendall was supposed to literally be her knight in shining armor, and Elliot was supposed to only do things to hurt her. That's how it was designed to work, but nothing was what it once was. Kendall would never have harmed her mother like Elliot had, but even the slightest similarity he had with her stepfather disturbed her. It made Elliot seem too human for her liking. She wanted to keep Kendall high up on a pedestal, and there was no room there for her captor, but Elliot wouldn't stop trying to claw his way to the top. He was persistent, and Sage only became more helpless as the months passed.

"You know it's true, Sage…" he continued slowly, reaching out for her again. He made complete contact this time, running his hand down her pale arm. His palm brushed her fingers and then slithered back up to her elbow as he pulled himself towards her.

Sage cried, shaking her head and whining as she tried to struggle away from him, but her body wouldn't listen to her brain, which was clouded and dizzy with the events of the last several minutes. She just wanted to sleep, and she wanted Elliot gone.

"What do you want me to do?" Elliot whispered unsteadily, seeming to understand her condition, reading her mind easily. It only made her feel sicker.

"Leave me alone…" she mumbled faintly, still trying to squirm out of his delicate hold.

"Okay…" Elliot gave in, leaning down to kiss her temple before moving to walk past her. "I love you," he added calmly.

That ignited Sage once again, her new grief over Julia mixing with the frustration. She spun around and forced herself not to hit him again, knowing it would get them nowhere but also subconsciously pleased with the fact that he'd let her do it if she wanted to.

"Stop that! Stop saying you love me like it makes everything alright! You don't love me," she declared resolutely, thinking that it was the truth, but also understanding that love meant something different for him. Elliot thought they were soul mates, but Sage knew what that term really meant. She had Kendall.

"I do love you!" Elliot fought back, looking hurt at the accusation. He had done everything for his love, and hearing its existence being questioned was like punching him right in the gut. It's all he believed in, and no one, not even Sage, would ever convince him that it wasn't real.

"If you love me, you'll let me go," Sage contended, begging him with her eyes to make a move.

For just a moment, Elliot looked as though he was considering it, and hope coursed through her veins faster than her blood. She held her breath, only exhaling when the mere seconds of thought were over and he shook his head. The optimism left almost as soon as it arrived, and she inwardly kicked herself for letting it happen. Letting a single minute of good feelings take her over was a weakness. It all turned out bad in the end, and she came out more hurt than she had been before. Giving in to her unfortunate circumstances was easier. The fight was dying the more the despair set in, and all of her good memories started to dwindle away like a blissful dream that never really existed.

Katie faded. Karen faded. All that was left was Kendall. She forced herself to remember the very real way he touched her, and she stayed sane by hearing his voice whisper to her in times like these, telling her to be strong. She only continued to survive because of her soul mate, and sometimes that feeling; that feeling of epic importance, made her feel bad for Elliot. He would never have that given back to him.

"N-No… No, I can't do that. I need you here… You make me want to be better. The only reason all of this happened is because I wanted you," Elliot explained slowly, looking like he was talking more to himself, which he'd been doing a lot lately when Sage asked him the morally tough questions. "You're here now, and you're so good, Sage… You're an angel, Sweetie. You can make me good again… I can be good again… I want that so bad…" he murmured, reaching for her blindly as he shut his eyes, fighting off a headache from his own repressed memories and rage.

Sage stiffened, but didn't push him away when he held onto her forearms with a gentle grip.

"Please, Elliot…" she pleaded some more, watching him behave vulnerably and searching for an opening to get to him, but he just shook his head again and refused her request.

"I can't let you go. It would make everything worse… I dug this hole for myself, and we have to stay in it where it's safe… If I let you leave now, then seven years of work will be ruined… I can't handle that… I won't let that happen," Elliot's voice was solid but soft, reading the sadness on her face. "If I can't have you, then nothing will matter anymore, and I'm scared to see what that's like… It's better this way… It's better," he whispered his final words, his eyes slipping shut again in deep thought.

Sage bit her lip to keep from screaming, and watched with tired, watery eyes as Elliot looked at her with a content smile.

"I know how fucked up this is, but I'll make you see it differently. I'll make things good for you if you let me. I'll make you happy, Sage," he insisted, trying to get her to understand, but she wouldn't give in.

"You can't," she muttered abruptly, not even taking a second to consider his offer. She knew she could never be comfortable, let alone be happy with him.

"I'm still gonna try... It's the only option we have because you're staying… I'm s-sorry…" Elliot mumbled, rubbing her arms a couple times before pivoting around and walking to the door. "I love you… I'll leave you alone now…"

With that, he disappeared for the night, locking the door securely behind him, and Sage fell to the floor.

She drew her knees up to her chest and let herself cry. She had cried for Kendall and the Knights occasionally when she allowed herself to feel the pain, but now she had a whole new sorrow because of Elliot. Julia was murdered, and she had never gotten to know that. Every memory that lead up to her mother's death held new meaning now.

* * *

_**Over four years ago…**_

* * *

_Sage finished striking a few notes on the piano with a grin, looking over to her mother for a critique once she had completed the song. Julia smiled brilliantly at her young daughter, who had just turned thirteen, and kissed the top of her head, rubbing her back as she embraced her with one arm and adjusted the sheet music in front of them with her free hand. _

"_You're getting better every day, Honey," Julia exclaimed excitedly, giving off a positive attitude towards the girl beside her. _

"_I'm okay…" Sage mumbled modestly, looking embarrassed by the compliment once it was spoken. _

"_You're perfect… I'm so proud of you. You're the best daughter ever," Julia declared happily, going in for a second kiss and delivering it to Sage's cheek before wiping the pink lipstick off of her daughter's pale skin. _

_Sage just rolled her eyes and giggled as she shoved her mother away playfully. _

"_What's wrong with you? You're acting like a nut," she insisted with a smile, watching the blonde woman beside her out of the corner of her eye while she tapped a few keys on the piano in a random pattern. _

"_Nothing… I'm just grateful for you. I'm lucky I have you, Sage," Julia spoke calmly, reaching up to brush a stray piece of hair behind the girl's ear. _

_Sage studied her suspiciously, a small smirk decorating her features with a furrowed brow. Her mother was normally loveable with her, but she was behaving oddly. _

"_I'm lucky to have you too, Mom," she gave up her quest for the answer, knowing that she wasn't going to get anywhere with the stubborn woman, and leaned into her warmth affectionately. _

"_Listen, Sweetie, I need to talk to you about something. I want us-"_

_Julia stopped speaking, upsetting her daughter, who was looking forward to the sudden discussion because they so rarely got time to spend with each other anymore, but Elliot was home, and that always changed everything. _

"_Good morning," he chirped joyfully, smiling at Julia and Sage as he stepped through the front door and swung it shut behind him. _

_The happy expression instantly had Sage feeling ill. Elliot was hardly ever in a good mood. More often than not, he was angry and tense whenever he was home with Julia and her daughter. His young bride's simple presence seemed to ignite frustration inside of him on a daily basis, and both Sage and her mother felt the effect of that every chance he got. _

_Julia had numerous faded bruises on her body, having gotten a reprieve from Elliot in the last couple of weeks for reasons unknown to Sage, but the needy woman never had it in her to leave. She needed Elliot's support and income, and she was unfortunately in love with the youthful police officer. Julia Daniels had gotten pregnant with Sage at the tender age of sixteen after a random night with a nameless guy, and she was left with no choice but to move out on her own and raise her daughter by herself. Her intensely religious parents wanted nothing to do with her. She was their embarrassment, so she left without looking back and picked a place on the map to disappear to. She picked Ramsey completely by chance and ended up living the rest of her years there. _

_She was struggling just to make ends meet by waiting tables and teaching piano without a high school diploma, and then Elliot moved to town when she was twenty-seven and changed her life. Sometimes it was for the better and sometimes it was for the worse. He gave her money, a place to live, and a stable home within the first several months of their whirlwind relationship, making her able to leave the rundown apartment her and Sage had been staying in. It seemed like Elliot truly loved her, but, soon after they got married, he began treating her differently. They argued and he hurt her physically more times than Sage could count, but Julia always told her to go to her room and ignore them. She always wanted her to be safe. _

"_H-Hi, I didn't realize what time it was," Julia forced a cordial smile onto her face, watching cautiously as Elliot moved through the foyer and into the living room by the piano. Mrs. Henderson started to count the minutes until Elliot went back to work. She had a few shaky hours ahead of her. _

"_Sage, you have school soon, right? I don't want you to be late," Elliot grinned at her shortly, ignoring his wife's words completely as he moved past Sage and patted her shoulder once before strolling down the hall towards the kitchen. _

"_I'm leaving in a minute," she called out after him, not sure if he wanted an actual response or not but unwilling to take any chances and ruin his mood by aggravating him. She stared at her mother after Elliot was out of earshot and shared a knowing look with the frightened woman. "What did you want to talk about?"_

_Julia seemed to consider answering her for a second, but then she looked away with a nervous smile once she heard Elliot moving around in the kitchen. _

"_Don't worry about it. We can just discuss it another time…" she smiled scratching the back of her head lightly with the tips of her manicured nails before changing the subject. "When are you gonna let me hear the stuff you've been writing?" she wondered enthusiastically, turning her full attention back to her daughter. _

"_When I'm good and ready," Sage smirked, teasing her mother with a poke to the woman's ribs. _

"_Come on, Sage! You never share… I wanna hear how amazing you are," Julia pouted, swatting her daughter's hands away from her. _

"_Why do you assume that I'm any good?" Sage asked, looking as if she doubted herself and Julia's belief in her. Her mother just smiled, shaking her head slowly. _

"_Because you're my daughter. You can do no wrong."_

* * *

That was the last time Sage saw Julia alive. She left for school shortly after they hugged, and she later came home to find her mother bloody and lifeless in the second floor bathroom.

She had always thought that she had done something wrong; that maybe, if she had pushed her mother to talk instead of letting her dodge the subject, Julia wouldn't have decided to take her own life. New circumstances, however, made all of her preconceived notions shift. The last memory of Julia held a different meaning. She was going to tell Sage about her plan to leave. She was going to give her hope and a way out.

Elliot ruined all of that. He took everything away from her. Kendall, Katie, and Karen were gone. Julia was gone, and he was completely responsible for their absence. He really had done a good job at achieving his goal. He was all she had left.

Sage sat on the floor and leaned against the bed, rubbing the tears from her tired eyes. She turned and reached back, searching on top of the mattress for the abandoned ring box. She picked it up quickly and settled down again, flipping it open to examine the jewelry inside.

As much as she hated where it had come from and the intention behind its purchase, Sage wanted to keep it. She wouldn't wear it, but just having it in her hand made her feel a little calmer when she thought of her mother. After her "suicide", Elliot had gotten rid of any physical items that belonged to or reminded them of Julia. The photos were gone. Her piano was gone. Julia was gone, but Sage had this ring.

She clicked the box shut with a loud snap and stood up on trembling legs. Sage walked over and placed it on her desk, where she'd be able to see it if she felt like writing. She never did anymore, but it may serve as an inspiration, or it may at least be a comfort she didn't have before.

Sage sat down in the chair, laying her head against the chilled surface of the desk and thinking about everything she had been through. She thought things could have been so different with a slight change here or there in the timeline of her life, but, in this same train of thought that made her feel bitter, she also felt a spark of thankfulness.

Without Elliot, she would have never met Kendall or the Knight family. Maybe he still would have moved to Ramsey when he did, but Sage would have been a different person. They wouldn't have needed each other as much. Her unfortunate circumstances are what cemented their relationship into the tight, unbreakable bond that it was, and she couldn't help but feel grateful for that. In a tragic occurrence of irony, Elliot's twisted love is what made Sage find it in its true form with Kendall, and she never wanted to take that back for anything.

She couldn't decide whether it was coincidence or fate that lead to everything. She hated to think that her destiny was to be in this room right now, but she had to hold onto the idea that, if it was fate's work, then there must be something else in store for her too. Though, perhaps, it was all coincidence. Maybe a string of random events linked together somewhere down the line and placed her here. If Elliot had hurt her wrist just a day earlier or later, she would never have met Kendall in the hospital.

Whether it was coincidence or fate that brought her here, Sage knew one thing for sure. Even if it all dragged her to this moment, to this hell with Elliot, she'd do it again and again. Maybe it was her calling in life, but it was her honest decision too. She'd always choose Kendall, no matter what that meant.

She missed her mother more than ever, but she had dealt with her grief years ago. Although the details surrounding her death were altered now, Julia was still gone, and she had to work with that and hold onto the little things she had left.

Sage lost her mother. She was taken from her, and she couldn't forgive Elliot for killing her. It was inexcusable, but Elliot wasn't just a murderer. Sometimes he was good, and sometimes he was evil, but the real problem was that he was everything in between too. She wasn't sure how she was going to handle that.

* * *

"Merry Christmas, boys… I figured I'd say it one more time before bed," Karen smiled slyly at James, Kendall, Carlos, and Logan as she put a tray of hot chocolate on the coffee table in front of them.

They all sat around in the Knight's living room, dressed in their pajamas. They had officially reinstated their tradition of wearing them in the evening after they spent Christmas day with their families. The boys filed in after dinner, immediately changing their clothes and plopping down in front of the television and Christmas tree. They had started having the annual holiday sleepover ever since their first year together in kindergarten, and the quartet never stopped until they became a trio after Kendall moved away. Now, they were happily jumping back into their childhood.

"Are those real diamonds, Mama Knight?" Carlos asked excitedly, noticing the circular pendant shimmering around her neck as it caught the light when she was shifting things on the table so the tray would fit safely.

"Why, yes they are! Thank you for noticing, Carlos," Karen spoke in an overly dramatic tone, donning a brilliant smile and tilting her head towards her son, who only raised an eyebrow in defiance and grabbed a mug of cocoa. The rest of the boys looked on in confusion, sensing tension from an earlier unknown conversation between the mother and son.

"Yeah, yeah, we all saw the small fortune around your neck. I'm a dude. There's no way I'm pointing out a piece of jewelry that some douche gave you to get on your good side," Kendall declared spitefully, sipping his drink and glaring over the cup at his mother, who stayed in a good mood.

They had discussed Karen dating recently, and Kendall wasn't pleased at all by the idea. He didn't like the thought of letting a strange man into the lives of his loved ones. That hadn't worked out so well for Sage…

"Don't call David names… You're not allowed to do that until you meet him," Karen grinned, knowing that Kendall had refused her earlier offer at an introduction with a stubborn shake of his head and a few choice words.

"Not gonna happen," Kendall assured her in a sweet voice, his sarcastic expression betraying the tone. Karen merely rolled her eyes and strolled off into the kitchen to tidy up before bed.

"Who's David?" James asked first, sharing a smile with Carlos and Logan as he leaned forward to take his own drink off of the table. He cradled it in his hands and watched Kendall for an answer, but Katie chimed in before he could.

"He's Mom's kinda-sorta-sometimes-maybe boyfriend," she explained nonchalantly from her position on the floor by the tree, where she sat texting one of her friends rapidly. She didn't even look up at the guys when the conversation had started. She wasn't too affected by her mother dating; trusting Karen to make the right decision, but Kendall was going to remain obstinate.

"That was oddly specific, yet not helpful at all," Logan commented smartly, cocking his head to the side in confusion before reaching out to grab a cookie, tossing one to Carlos as the boy spoke loud enough for Karen to hear down the hall in the kitchen.

"You should make him your real-definitely-always-absolutely boyfriend… He gave you a pretty gift! He totally likes you!" Carlos yelled happily, nibbling on his cookie with a smile of gratitude towards Logan. They heard Karen thank him as she started to load the dishwasher.

"Or he just wants to get in her pants…" James muttered into his cup of hot chocolate, causing Carlos and Logan to stifle laughter, while Katie giggled, and Kendall looked offended.

"Ew!" He cried out, punching his uncouth friend on the shoulder with enough force to rock him into Logan, who just shoved him back towards Kendall. James scowled at them both, telling them to knock it off, and composed himself.

"I'm just saying. Getting something like that is a classic romantic move that almost demands intimate action," he shrugged and sounded like he knew what he was talking about.

Kendall frowned, thinking about his statement. His mind immediately drifted off towards the previous Valentine's Day when he gave Sage the necklace that now hung on the bedpost in his room. He had given it to her with love, but, before the exchange, they also had steamy sex in the alley at school…

"Mom, give that man his necklace back!" Kendall screamed angrily, not moving from the couch as he gripped his mug tighter.

"No…" Karen answered simply as she came back into view. "Time for bed, Katie," she gestured for her daughter to follow her up the stairs. Katie murmured grumpily as she sent one final text to her friend and pulled herself off of the floor, walking past Karen to the staircase. "Goodnight, guys," Karen spoke softly, moving over to the couch to deliver a kiss to the top of each boy's head and behaving motherly towards them all.

That had always been her role in their pseudo family. She was a mother figure to each of them, not just to Kendall. She was the only woman, even in most of his childhood, that James let himself rely on. Logan could cry around her and behave like a normal kid without fear of stressing Laura out, and Carlos loved the woman because of her warmth, which reminded him of Adriana when he wasn't at his own home.

"Bye, Mama Knight!" the three of them rang out simultaneously, having had much practice in getting it just right. Kendall kept his look of annoyance, but kissed and hugged Karen back with a relenting smile as she drifted off to the second floor with Katie.

"What's your problem with David? He sounds nice," Logan wondered, finishing his cookie and finally taking his cocoa off of the table, which he always preferred room temperature.

"All we know is that he has some money and gave her an expensive gift, and they met at work," Kendall maintained his stubborn stance, leaning forward to put his mug down and curl his legs further beneath him.

"Did you ask for any more information, or did you just jump down your mom's throat about it?" Carlos smirked knowingly, forgoing his hot chocolate for another cookie.

"He doesn't need to know anything else other than the fact that he's courting Mama Knight. That's more than enough to hate the guy," James offered his opinion, bumping his fist against Kendall's when it was offered with a delighted smile.

"You should give him a chance," Carlos declared cheerfully, shoving a whole cookie into his mouth. He got a disapproving look from Logan for his eating habits, but the cleanly boy still nodded his agreement at his friend's statement. "David could be an awesome guy. He could be like Superman or something," Carlos added after swallowing his snack.

"Or he could be a pig, which he most likely is. Trust me, I know about these guys. I'm one of them," James admitted nonchalantly, realizing that his adventurous love life was no secret between the four of them.

Kendall groaned beside him at the possibility of his mother dating someone like James, who reassured him with a pat to his shoulder.

"Don't worry, Dude. I'll help you get rid of him… or we have to at least check him out thoroughly and decide the best way to learn his true motives," James sounded like he was already formulating a plan, which seemed to excite Kendall.

"What if he has good motives?" Logan asked in exasperation, quickly seeing that he and Carlos were on the opposite side of the dispute. "You just don't want a new dad, do you?" he stared cautiously at Kendall, who shook his head and rolled his eyes.

"Of course that idea is freaky, but he would never really be my dad anyway. I already have one of those. Well, I _**had**_ one of those…" Kendall corrected himself quietly, gaining a depressing expression before he pushed it away. He had coped with the loss of his father long ago, and it was easier to deal with once he had accepted it with the help of his brothers. "I'm more worried about Mom and Katie. I can't just let some guy walk into their lives with promises of good things, and then watch something shitty happen that destroys them," Kendall explained softly, understanding that they all knew he was thinking about Elliot.

"You keep assuming the worst," Logan mumbled, appearing upset by the thought. He glanced down, grabbing a pillow off of the floor after putting his mug down. He played with the edges of the fabric nervously. All of the boys were instantly concerned.

"What's wrong, Logie?" Carlos asked, reaching to his side to make his anxious friend's fingers stop working the pillow into devastation. Kendall and James forgot about their plans for David and immediately turned to Logan, who sighed heavily.

"I've been thinking about calling Patrick," he admitted sheepishly, already anticipating the reactions of Kendall and James.

The day that Laura had given him his father's number on Thanksgiving weekend was the same day he told all of his friends about it. Carlos had been supportive of him making his own decision, but Kendall and James had rightful opinions of their own. They didn't want Logan to give Patrick a second chance. They were scared for their friend's physical and emotional safety. They all knew what Mr. Mitchell had done, and they also knew that Logan could be easily forgiving.

"I thought you said that you decided not to…" James spoke quietly, running a hand through his brown hair, messing up its carefully planned style.

"I did, but I don't know. It's just been on my mind. I keep wondering what he's up to, and what he's like… I wonder if he's sorry…" Logan murmured sadly, going back to playing with the pillow when Carlos didn't stop him again.

"He should be! Of course the bastard's sorry, Logan… He was a terrible person, and that means you should keep him away. He has no right to know you," Kendall held his position firmly, becoming aggravated with thoughts of the man who almost destroyed his brother's childhood.

"You're just thinking about him because you're a good person, Buddy. He's not. You don't need that," James insisted calmly, smiling over at Logan and ruffling his hair playfully, for once feeling like he was taking care of him and not the other way around. Logan grinned for the first time in several minutes, and laughed lightly at the gesture.

"I guess you're right, guys. I was just thinking about it. I'll get rid of his number later," he assured them with a nod, happy to see them instantly thrilled at the idea. He knew they were just trying to protect him, but he couldn't stop the little pang of guilt in his heart. He wasn't so sure he could actually throw out Patrick's information.

"Good. Who wants popcorn?" Kendall jumped up from the couch, thinking the matter was settled, and received three hands in the air. "James, come help me," he called out as he disappeared into the hallway. James grumbled in annoyance, but he followed anyway.

Once they were gone, Carlos studied Logan, still seeing the look of internal turmoil on his face.

"They're just trying to keep you safe, but it's your choice, Logie, no one else's," Carlos wrapped an arm around him in a sideways hug, squeezing him tightly until he got a smile from the boy.

"Thanks, Carlos," Logan leaned into him a little, accepting the hug, and then reached back down for his cocoa. Carlos started occupying himself with more cookies, and Logan began thinking.

He wanted to know Patrick, but sometimes he thought James and Kendall were right. His father had done nothing to earn an invitation back into his life, but Logan was curious. He wondered if Patrick changed. The last time he saw him, his father was high and acting rashly, and then he just walked right out of his life for good. It had taken Logan a few weeks to realize he wasn't coming back.

* * *

_**Almost eleven years ago…**_

* * *

"_Logan, I want you to come with me," Patrick Mitchell walked up to his seven-year-old son with shifting eyes and a pale complexion. _

_He was in withdrawal, but Logan was too young to know that. He was too young to know much of anything. _

_He, Kendall, Carlos, and James were enjoying a snow day in the middle of winter. They were the only ones in the neighborhood who were out in the late afternoon, messing around on the snow-covered playground at the end of Kendall and Logan's block. They were giggling and throwing balls of slush at each other when Mr. Mitchell suddenly pulled up in his car, which he ended up running into one of the trashcans at the edge of the property. _

_The boys were instantly on guard, knowing that Patrick had been losing it lately, but Logan only looked innocent and scared as his father approached them. _

"_What about Mom?" Logan asked softly, taking a small step back when Patrick finally stood in front of them, constantly wringing his hands together and looking around the playground with dull blue eyes. Laura was supposed to pick him up when it was time to go home, not Patrick, and it was still early. _

"_She doesn't care about us… She doesn't want me to do what makes me happy. That doesn't sound fun, does it, Buddy?" Patrick attempted a smile, but winced as he crouched down in front of his son, still trying to reach out for his small hand. _

_After they knew about the drugs, Laura and the Mitchells' friends wanted him to stop. He had slowly destroyed his own family with his addiction to painkillers. It all started so simply. He had injured his hand after dealing with a hallucinating patient during his shift in the ER at Sherwood's local hospital, and he started to take painkillers so he could recover quickly and work through it. Hydrocodone and OxyContin were his drugs of choice. His behavior became violent and erratic when he couldn't have the pills, and Laura and Logan felt the effects of that repeatedly. _

_Right now, Laura and Patrick had just had an intense fight, and Patrick wanted to leave, but he wouldn't go without Logan. Even when he was high or in need of a dose, Patrick could remember how much his son meant to him, but he couldn't always control his actions and decisions. The drugs made him a different person, one he couldn't run from. _

_Logan shook his head at father, showing that he understood he was upset at his mother, but he didn't move towards him anymore. _

"_B-But I don't w-wanna leav-"_

"_Shut up," Patrick groaned and grabbed Logan harshly by the wrist, losing his patience almost as quickly as it came. His moods were all over the place. "Just, please, stop talking… You're giving me a headache… I'm your father… Just do what I say…" Patrick commanded him, keeping his grip tight on the boy's thin wrist and constantly squeezing his eyes shut as if he was trying to stay focused. He couldn't stop thinking about how he could get his hands on more pills. _

"_I'm going to get my dad. Stay here. Don't let him take Logan," Kendall whispered to James and Carlos, who were both standing near the seesaw and watching everything unfold with wide eyes. They nodded to Kendall, who instantly ran off with a determined expression to make the small trek to his house._

"_Okay, D-Daddy… Sorry…" Logan mumbled, trying to please Patrick, who always seemed to be upset around him lately._

"_That's my boy… You love me, don't you, Little Man?" Patrick asked, putting a smile back on his face that only made his son give in easier. _

"_Of course!" Logan yelled, thinking that any other answer was ridiculous. He loved his father more than anything. He wanted to be just like him. _

"_Then come on," Patrick sighed, looking around the playground again as if he forgot where he put his car. It was still sitting on top of a trashcan with the engine running and the driver's door open. _

_Logan started to let his father drag him towards the vehicle, but he dug his feet into the ground when he heard Carlos and James. _

"_Logie, I don't think you should go…" Carlos yelled, rushing towards him through the thick snow with James at his side. _

"_Just wait for Kendall's dad," James begged him with worried hazel eyes, slipping to a stop only a few feet from Logan and Patrick. _

"_Ignore them, Logan," the man ordered his son sternly, trying to tug him away from the pair. _

"_They're my friends!" Logan screamed back, getting angry at Patrick for once. _

"_They're not your family. They don't matter," Patrick growled, spinning on his heels to glare down at the little boy, who was starting to frustrate him. _

"_Yes, they do!" Logan insisted loudly, his innocent face turning deadly at the implication of his best friends not being important. _

_Patrick didn't hesitate as he swung his arm back and struck Logan across the cheek, instantly silencing the child as tears built up in his eyes. He had hit him before, but Logan was confused every time it happened. He never understood why he deserved it. _

_James and Carlos were immediately angry as they lunged forward to start fighting the man despite their size, but stopped when they heard Kendall's dad._

"_What the hell are you doing, Pat?" Kevin Knight shouted, running through the snow with a scowl as Kendall sped past him. With his cancer treatments, Kevin had been losing strength, and his young son could easily outrun him._

_Kendall resisted the urge to kick Mr. Mitchell as he grabbed a crying Logan's hand snugly with his own and pulled him to James and Carlos so they could all huddle around their brother._

"_You should leave," Kevin told Patrick, coming to stand next to the ill man with his arms crossed over his chest, leaving no room for an argument, but Patrick shook his head. _

"_I'm not going without my son," he insisted, his expression turning painful when he began to look around for Logan like he lost him. He spotted the small boy holding onto his friend's and staring at him with wide eyes and a red cheek. He took one step towards him, but Kevin held up a hand to his chest to stop him from moving. _

"_You're scaring your __**son**__, but you're too fuckin' high to see it… You need to go… You need to get help," Kevin lowered his voice, taking his hand away to pull his wool cap tighter over his head. His recently deteriorating body was sensitive to the cold, but there was no way he wasn't going to come running when Kendall said they needed him. _

"_I don't need help. I'm fine," Patrick shook his head wildly, trying to convince his friend, but he still wasn't buying it. _

"_You're so far from fine that you make me wanna vomit more than the chemo," Kevin spat viciously, looking disgusted with the man. _

"_Don- Don't joke about that, Kev… It's not funny. You're trying to change my mind, but it won't- It's not gonna w-work," Patrick was suddenly depressed as he looked at the eldest Knight. _

_He and Kevin had been best friends ever since their sons met two years earlier. They spent all of their recreational time together, and it was a big blow to everyone when Kevin was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It was detected too late for comfort, and the doctors, including Patrick, were doing the best they could to manage his case, but he was rapidly getting worse. They kept up with the chemotherapy and radiation treatments, but surgery was a risky option because of the tumor placement and size. Kevin Knight was preparing to die, and everyone else had to be ready for it too. Patrick wasn't handling it well, and he used his friend's illness as an excuse to self-medicate._

"_If you're not gonna do it for me, then do it for Logan…" Kevin pleaded gently, knowing that Patrick's weak spot was his son no matter how out of control he got. _

"_I'll hurt him like I hurt- I hurt Laura…" he whispered it like it was a secret, but everyone already knew what he did, and he couldn't ever take it back. Out of misguided love and devotion, Laura didn't press charges because of his violence. She kept giving him chances to change. He used to be a practical and intelligent man, but he wouldn't listen to her when he was like this. _

"_Then just go, and don't come back until Logan's safe again… If you don't do it on your own, I'm gonna call Eddie," Kevin warned him, referring to Carlos' father, a family friend. _

_Out of the corner of his eye, Kevin could see Carlos nodding his head vigorously, wanting him to get the police involved because he was taught that they solved everything, but Kevin wanted to let Patrick decide. He wanted him to choose recovery. _

_Patrick thought hard for a minute, considering the offer. He glanced over to Logan with a pained expression, not seeming to believe that he had hit him again. Every time he struck Logan or his wife, it shocked him. It was like a nightmare that he couldn't wake up from. His son was crying, shivering with his friends, and Patrick made his decision._

"_Logan, Baby, come here…" he called out to him softly, his voice hoarse from yelling and his stomach cramping with the need for more drugs, but he pushed all those feelings aside for once. _

_Logan struggled in Kendall's grasp. The small blonde was giving Patrick a death glare with his arms wrapped securely around his brother. Even at seven years old, Kendall's stare could drop you to your knees. He was fierce, loyal, and protective, and you didn't ever want to be on the wrong end of that devotion. _

_Much to Kendall and the boys' dismay, Logan squirmed free and hurried over to his father. His body was hesitant, but he went anyway, putting trust in Patrick that he didn't deserve. _

"_Kendall's daddy is right, Buddy… I'm gonna- I have to go…" he admitted confidently, keeping his tone gentle for the boy. He struggled to stay focused, the withdrawal still messing with his head and body. _

"_Don't! You have to _**stay**_… Please, stay…" Logan cried harder, becoming panicked at the idea of his father leaving him. He scared him sometimes, but Logan loved him regardless. _

"_No, I can't be here anymore… not until I'm healthy again," Patrick insisted softly, crouching down in front of Logan again so they could be at eyelevel. _

"_But you're fine! Mr. Knight is the one who's sick, right?" he asked naively, looking up to Kevin for confirmation, but he only received a small smile of pity and support. "You're a doctor," Logan declared, seeming to think that his profession made him invincible. _

"_I'm not sick like that, Loganator," Patrick assured him using one of his nicknames, hoping to calm him down. He lifted his hand to wipe some snow from Logan's dark hair as he thought. "I'm just kind of… broken… and I gotta put myself back together again."_

"_Do it here!" Logan begged sadly, stretching his tiny hands out to grab onto the fabric of Patrick's jacket. _

"_I can't…" his father mumbled, looking apologetic as he carefully removed Logan's fingers from his clothing and stood up. "Keep your mom happy. She deserves it, okay? Be there for her," he ordered him delicately, bending forward to kiss the top of Logan's head._

"_When will you be back?" he asked innocently, hoping that it would only be a day or two._

"_Not for a while… Not until I'm better… I love you, Logan. You're a good boy. It's not your fault," he murmured serenely, kissing Logan one more time before he spun around and rushed for his car. _

"_Dad! Dad, wait! I can help you not be sick! Just stay!" _

_Logan cried, taking a few steps to go after him, but Patrick wasn't looking back, and Kevin placed a hand on his shoulder to keep him still. He rubbed the sobbing boy's neck, trying to calm him down while watching Kendall, Carlos, and James immediately run to their friend's side. They gathered him into their group, telling him that it would be alright, but he still cried loudly, trying to get Patrick's attention as he wordlessly got into his car._

"_Daddy!"_

* * *

Late into Christmas night, all of the boys were asleep except for Logan.

Kendall was cuddled up on part of the large L-shaped couch with a throw pillow tucked under his head. James had ended up on the empty length of the sofa with his hands lying over his abdomen, and Carlos was resting on the floor almost completely beneath the tree, always enjoying the multicolored lights of the season. It was 2AM, but Logan was wide awake. He sat on the carpet by the coffee table, playing with a small card between his fingers.

It was Patrick's number, and, even after he decided he wasn't going to dial it, the mere thought of contacting his father kept him awake. The curiosity alone was killing him, but he also felt something tugging at his heart. It might have been hope; hope for something different from Patrick, or hope for a second chance at having a dad.

Maybe everything would hurt him in the end, but he wanted to take that risk. He had to do it.

Logan sighed, looking at his slumbering friends one last time before quietly getting up and sneaking up the stairs. He entered Kendall's room stealthily, smiling once at the pendant hanging on the corner of the bed as he always did when he had thoughts of Kendall and Sage's imminent reunion, and then he went back to his original task. He kneeled beside the bed, searching through the bag of stuff he had brought over to spend the night.

He pulled out his cell phone and sat on the floor, holding it tightly in one hand and the card in the other. Patrick was probably sleeping, but he didn't care. The man owed him more than just an inconvenient wakeup call.

He dialed the number with shaking fingers and held the phone to his ear. It took a few rings, but a groggy voice picked up on the other end with a simple "hello". Logan swallowed the lump in his throat, clearing it and pulling his legs close to his body with nervousness.

"Hi… It's, uh- I know it's really late, but it's… I'm- It's Logan."

Logan lost his father. Patrick left him in tears, but maybe he'd be able to get him back. People changed. They weren't always virtuous or bad. Sometimes they were somewhere in between. Maybe Logan could forgive his dad, but he wasn't sure how he and his friends were going to handle that.

* * *

**A/N: Next chapter, we'll be seeing Logan and Patrick… I wonder what the aftermath of that will be, and how will his friends react? ;D**

**A super huge THANK YOU to all of those who voted for "Past the Sorrow" in the "2011 BTR Fanfic Awards" by ****ComeOnClapYourHands. I'm so thankful to say that it WON for "Best OC Story":D It's really a great honor that you guys enjoy this fic so much. It makes all of the hard work I put into it even more worth it. I hope you keep loving it :D We still got a LONG way to go :D Sit back and enjoy ;)**

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I LOVE new people :D Say hi. I don't bite ;) **


	27. Big Time Remorse

**A/N: SUPER IMPORTANT NOTE AT THE END! (about Kage, and don't worry. It's good, not bad ;) **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**DO IT: ****Go read**_ Surfergal23_**'s lovely story Hooked. It's a Kendall/OC and so much more ;D **

*******I'd also like to say a humungous HAPPY BIRTHDAY to by very very very dear friend, **_Surfergal23_**_. _****This chapter is dedicated to her for her amazing support and friendship that we've developed on here :D She's made this entire process of writing fanfic so much more fantastic than I ever imagined :) Thank you! And I hope you're day has been awesome ;)*******

**On with PTS! :D Please, enjoy and review :) **

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 27: BIG TIME REMORSE_

* * *

Logan, Kendall, Carlos, and James walked side by side down the middle of the street, only moving when they heard the slow rotation of tires approaching from behind or saw the headlights of an oncoming car in front of them. It was the third week of January, and the evening was just beginning. The sun disappeared beyond the myriad of trees on the west side of the road, and the full moon was just starting to become visible in the darkening sky. Most people were already home from work, so the neighborhood was quiet and relatively immobile except for the four teenagers strolling through it.

They had been walking at the same pace, but, as he spoke about his day, Carlos got excited and ended up hopping a few steps forward with restless legs as he spun around to walk backwards, which made each of the boys think that he was most definitely going to fall on his ass.

"So then Rosie told me that her friend thought I was cute, and now I'm thinking that I might get a date all on my own," he declared proudly, grinning as he did a small dance. He tripped over his own feet when his sneaker caught a patch of slush near the edge of the road. Letting out a squeal, he bent at the knees and effectively stopped himself from hitting the ground, earning eye rolls and laughter from his friends as he sighed in accomplishment.

Roselynn and Carlos had stayed close after the party in November and their first sexual experiences together. They were still good friends, talking easily just as they guaranteed they would. When they met in between classes, Carlos discussed random topics and possible new girls in his life, and Roselynn used him as a confidant when she had fears about her future or wanted to share her exciting plans for school. She also decided that she wanted to help her ex-boyfriend, and current best friend, get a date with someone who deserved his time.

"Maybe you won't have to have James set you up all the time now," Kendall offered cheekily, giving a sly glance to the tall matchmaker beside him as he adjusted the large gym bag on his shoulder. Both Logan and Kendall had taken their extra clothes from their lockers to wash them after a bunch of rough hockey practices throughout the week. Carlos didn't necessarily care about clean laundry, and James always brought a fresh outfit every day.

"A lot of those girls were…. questionable…" Logan said, grimacing at the thought of a few of his friend's blind dates. Carlos only chuckled and fell back in line beside Kendall after deciding that moving backwards on the road wasn't the brightest idea when he didn't have his lucky helmet, which he had left at school.

"Hey, I paired him up with some real winners… A couple of them even graduated high school," James joked, poking fun at himself. He'd been learning to do that rather than always joking at the expense of others, but he still did that from time to time too. Kendall's reappearance in his life had been altering him for the better, making him more compassionate and less defensive, but he still messed up occasionally. He was only human.

Kendall patted his back playfully, making James wince a little before recovering. There was an important game coming up, and the hockey practices the coach had been putting them through all week were brutal. Kendall, being his fantastic co-captain, had talked James, along with Logan and Carlos, into increasing their cardio a little bit each day to work on stamina. For today, that meant walking to and from school instead of driving. In the morning, they had been fine, but now they just completed a long practice full of intense drills after the school day, and all of them were feeling it in their muscles. Well, all except for Carlos, who had boundless energy and still sauntered enthusiastically beside his sluggish teammates as if he didn't just skate his heart out for two hours straight.

After frowning apologetically for the pain he caused and getting a nod of dismissal and a smile from James, Kendall turned away to look at Logan when the group reached his house. The Mitchell home was in pristine condition even after the numerous snow storms that had popped up after Christmas. The driveway didn't seem to have a drop of snow on it, and the evergreen bushes had been dug out so that they were still visible along the perimeter of the deck. The solar powered garden lights beneath them were dim, getting brighter as the sky got darker, and the inside of the house was motionless. Laura had been in town for the holidays, and then flew back out a couple of weeks later to handle business in Chicago. After that, she was scheduled to be in Seattle and New York, with only a few stops at Sherwood in between, but Logan was used to it. He was accustomed to living alone.

"I'll see you guys later. We're still having lunch at your house tomorrow, right?" Logan looked to Kendall for confirmation as he paused at the bottom of his driveway, dropping his bag to the ground so it would stop pulling on his sore arms.

"Yup, James is bringing the new 'Bio Hazard Blast' so we can play. We were gonna do it on the big screen at his place, but…" Kendall quirked an eyebrow, gesturing for James to continue.

"You know my dad likes to sleep late on Saturdays," he shrugged, shoving his hands deep into his pockets when the wind picked up, blowing the frigid air onto his face.

"And most of the other days," Logan mumbled.

Carlos elbowed him right before he could start ascending the driveway, but not for his remark about Chris, which James hadn't even heard due to his suddenly intense conversation with Kendall about the video game they'd be playing tomorrow. He stopped him because Logan was about to walk away without another word, and the two of them were supposed to be going along with the plan they had been setting up all week; the one that Logan had been dodging as much as he could.

Carlos was the only one besides Laura who knew that Logan had contacted Patrick after Christmas, and he was tired of keeping the secret to himself. He wanted him to tell James and Kendall, but Logan had been avoiding it for over three weeks. Carlos was aggravated, watching him try to run to his house like his pants were on fire when he was supposed to be coming clean. Logan was scared, and his best friend could understand that, so Carlos remained calm, but he didn't let him back down from the challenge. Although, even he himself was a little nervous about how Kendall and James would react. They never favored Patrick after he started taking drugs, and no one could blame them, but they weren't supportive of Logan contacting him ever since he got the number. They openly opposed it with sharp dialogue and harsh words about Mr. Mitchell. They rarely stopped to remember that the man used to be Logan's idol, not just his enraged father with a painkiller addiction.

"Aren't you forgetting something, Logie?" Carlos gave him an expectant expression, keeping a tight smile as he tilted his head towards their two friends.

"No, Carlitos, I have a pretty decent IQ. I remember most things… Goodnight, boys!" Logan called out dramatically, anxiously speeding up his words directed at Carlos while he picked his bag back up.

"Maybe it slipped through your enormous brain," Carlos suggested loudly, smiling as his brown eyes narrowed. He tugged Logan close, securing him in a sideways hug so that he couldn't escape, making it seem more like a death grip as he used his free hand to pat the top of his hair for bitter emphasis.

"What are you guys up to?" Kendall crossed his arms, sharing a stare and smirk with James after they had observed the other pair. He thought it was funny, but that made Logan swallow thickly, knowing that none of them were going to be laughing.

"Nothing, Carlos is just being weird. It's what he does…" he insisted, chuckling nervously and squeezing the Latino close to him, which only resulted in a tighter grip in return, making him wince.

"This is kinda fun. I'm usually on the other side of this crap," James grinned at Kendall, amused by Carlos and Logan's obvious oddities.

Logan frowned a little bit, thinking that he didn't want to ruin their mood. They had a good day, a good practice, and they were hoping for a good weekend…

"Logan called his dad," Carlos spoke for him, causing Logan to squeak and look at him in horror. He smiled apologetically, only getting a heavy sigh and slumped shoulders as a response from his startled friend, but they both knew that it needed to be done.

"I hope you told him to fuck off," Kendall snickered, watching as James bumped into him in a form of agreement with laughter of his own. They didn't see the real weight of the situation.

"Um… no… I'm having b-breakfast with him t-tomorrow morning," Logan announced unsteadily, curving the corners of his lips up into a weak smile of fake enthusiasm, still leaning into the sideways embrace Carlos was giving him and gladly accepting the support.

"No you are not!" James almost choked on the air that was meant for his lungs, shaking his head sternly and raising his voice at Logan, who was instantly infuriated. James was the only one who could ever fire him up with a few short words. Kendall was usually the voice of reason, often more knowledgeable about certain things, and Carlos never argued in the first place, but James and Logan would occasionally go at each other's throats.

"Yeah, I am…" Logan assured him snidely, stepping away from Carlos completely with a glare at James and Kendall, who were both in agreement and giving him determined looks. "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you sooner, but it's happening, and you're not gonna talk me out of it or stop me from going," he added confidently.

"Watch us!" James yelled, turning to Kendall and pleading for help with his eyes. The blonde was more than happy to comply.

For once, he and James were a united front. Neither one of them wanted Patrick back in their brother's life. They were convinced that nothing good could possibly come out of it, and Logan was too nice to see it. They weren't going to stand back and watch someone take advantage of him, but they didn't realize that they hadn't thought things all the way through. Logan was intelligent, and he chose to do this on his own, but they couldn't see that. They were too worried and jaded from the past. For Kendall, he saw the possibility of becoming like Elliot inside every man, especially ones like Patrick, who had made so many mistakes. For James, he was just starting to feel like he was getting comfortable in his life and relying on his friends, which also meant taking care of them fiercely. In this case, James was behaving too selfishly. He was still having trouble getting into the minds of others. He couldn't see why Logan would want to talk to Patrick ever again.

Kendall took a deep breath, trying to reassure James with a small nod, and then dropped his own heavy bag onto the end of the driveway and took a step towards Logan.

"Logie, your dad is, for the lack of a better term, an asshole," he bit his bottom lip, appearing truly sorry for breaking the news and fighting his friend, but he felt like it was unavoidable. It was his job to take care of them. He was supposed to be the leader, but Logan didn't want to be led right now. "You shouldn't even talk to him, let alone actually invite him here…"

"You don't even know him… You don't know who he used to be. He's not just a monster, Kendall. My father is _**not**_ Elliot Henderson," Logan proclaimed in frustration, knowing exactly why the boy was so stubbornly fighting against this. His past with Sage was intense, but Logan and Patrick weren't a part of that. Their circumstances were different, but Kendall wanted to lump them together in a solitary category of "bad", and the world just didn't work in black and white terms like that.

"I- I know…" Kendall admitted slowly, almost seeming like he wasn't entirely sure if it was the truth and flinching at the mention of the man who ruined his lover's life. He shook the weight off of his shoulders and continued, trying to focus on Logan. "Just listen- "

"No, _**you**_ listen for once," he interjected firmly, moving a few inches towards Kendall. "You keep telling me that you want me to stick up for myself and choose things for my own benefit, and now you want me to follow whatever you say. You can't have it both ways!" he yelled, slightly startling Kendall with the uncharacteristic outburst, and the lack of falsehood it held.

Logan softened, taking a calming breath and feeling embarrassed about freaking out. He always tried to keep a level head, but they were grating his last nerve. They wouldn't look at it through his eyes, so he tried a different, quieter approach.

"If you could do anything to talk to your dad again, wouldn't you do it?" he begged for Kendall to understand with saddened eyes, asking the question sincerely with no malice in his voice.

Kendall's expression darkened at the inquiry. Instead of actually considering it, he only focused on the nasty comparison of his wonderful father to someone like Patrick.

"Don't do that… That's not fair. My dad wasn't a douche bag. He took care of his family as long as he could. He didn't leave on purpose," he explained shakily, giving a warning stare to Logan, who just continued anyway, not willing to let Kendall control him anymore.

"But you got to say goodbye. I never- I didn't get that… I never got to see him like he used to be when I was younger. He was high and violent on that last day, and I want- I have to see what happened to him. I want him to see what happened to me…" Logan whispered, licking his lips and breathing heavily as if he almost forgot to inhale. Carlos had remained quiet, giving Logan a chance to fend for himself, but he still lifted a hand to rub the shivering boy's back in comfort, making them both feel a little less alone in this. No one ever wanted to contend with James and Kendall.

"You're fine! You're perfect, and he doesn't deserve to fuckin' see that. Let the bastard think you died without him. You don't need him, Logan," James chimed in, becoming even more agitated as the discussion continued.

He knew that Kendall was down for the count because of the relenting glimmer in the boy's green eyes and the way his posture relaxed at Logan's explanation, but James wasn't going to back off. He was too worried; worried for the outcome of Patrick's arrival. The man had ruined Logan's life once, and James refused to let the overly pleasing boy walk into a trap. Even if Patrick ended up having the best intentions, he rejected the idea of a happy conclusion. He wanted to stop this before it started.

"I do need him, James. Why can't you see that? There are things that only he can give me…" Logan mumbled, swaying his head from side to side. He needed answers to the questions that formulated when he was a young boy, ones he kept all throughout adolescence and Laura would only ever glaze over. He was so used to knowing everything, but Patrick felt like a mystery plaguing him for eleven years.

"We're just trying to protect you," James assured him calmly, crossing his arms over his chest and looking uncomfortable with upsetting Logan, but Kendall nodded beside him; still agreeing with trying to stop the reunion.

Logan just glared again, becoming angry for reasons they couldn't understand until now.

"Contrary to popular belief, I don't need your protection 24/7… I'm older than all of you. I can make my own fuckin' decision. I'm a big boy," he spat viciously, feeling small from their assumptions. Usually he liked being taken care of.

He liked being able to rely on his friends, but this was one of the few downsides. There was no trust in him, and he already lacked so much of it in himself to begin with. He really didn't need anyone to add to his low confidence level and push it down even further.

"You shouldn't have done this alone…" Kendall sighed, running a hand through his hair as James picked at his nails beside him to avoid eye contact.

Before Logan could speak, Carlos jumped in for him, not wanting to sit back anymore. His friend needed support, and he wasn't going to get it from their more hardheaded brothers.

"He had to, Kendall. This was Logan's choice, and we have to be there for him… We're a family, but Patrick is his dad, and both of you didn't even try to help. You just bashed him and got Logan to agree with you. Basically, you forced him into lying to you, and he almost didn't even call because of what you said," Carlos defended Logan softly but strictly, giving him another soothing pat to his back. He was happy to see a weak smile of gratitude from the boy.

Both Kendall and James looked ashamed, bringing their heads down to stare at the asphalt beneath their sneakers. They hadn't realized that they were influencing Logan so much. They thought the four of them were on the same page, as they always seemed to be, but things were different this time, and they didn't see it. That simple fact made their hearts ache. They were always supposed to be able to see it…

Feeling upset and frustrated, James regressed into his older self. He did what he tended to do and acted defensively, responding with anger and harsh words that would attempt to turn the blame onto someone else. He never knew why he did it, and he always remembered after the fact that it was disgusting and self-destructive, but he went through with it anyway.

Almost as soon as he donned a regretful expression, it was replaced with one of spite, still refusing to accept that he made a mistake and only making things worse.

"He should have listened to us. It would have saved him a lot of pain…" he sneered at Carlos, making the innocent brunette take a step back in astonishment before realizing what his brother was doing, and then he just got aggravated as James turned to Logan. "You're wasting your time and energy fighting me and Kendall. We're some of the few people that truly love you, and, instead of siding with us, you're trying to defend Patrick… You're going to open up your secure life and have breakfast with a man that doesn't even care about you. He didn't want you, Logan!"

His entire speech was met with stunned silence. Logan had tears forming in his eyes, and he wanted to let himself cry or fight back like he usually did with James, but he was too frightened of what might happen if he did. Kendall's mouth hung open in disbelief, not sure how everything got so out of control in what seemed like mere seconds, and Carlos was breathing heavily and looked as if he wanted to burn James with the sheer power of his glare.

As soon as Logan sucked air into his mouth in a wheezing sound and spun on his heels, James came back to reality. He watched his best friend pick up his previously abandoned gym bag and stalk angrily towards his house. It took a few moments for James to realize what was happening. He could only examine the boy's retreating form in horror, adrenaline from grief and agony pressing painfully on his ribcage.

"You really fucked up this time, James…" Carlos groaned, biting his tongue so he wouldn't say anything else he'd regret later as he rushed after Logan.

Kendall was still frozen, unsure about how to handle the meltdown when he was watching it from the outside. He'd never seen Logan so furious, and he had yet to witness James taking it that far. There were hints when the dance ordeal happened and he made insensitive comments about Sage, but that had stopped completely, and he knew that James never meant those things that slipped past his lips. Staring at the astounded brunette beside him, Kendall almost felt as bad for him as he did for Logan. He looked lost and damaged.

"Logie, wait, please!" James was suddenly running after Logan with unshed tears pooling in his eyes as the boy climbed up the steps of his porch.

Unlike Logan, James didn't bother staying on the paved paths. He cut diagonally right through the snow with Kendall on his tail after he had dropped his bag carelessly onto the street. They jumped up onto the landing just as Logan started to put the key in the lock of the front door with Carlos whispering softly to him.

"Logan, say something back to me! Hit me! Hurt me!" James pleaded miserably, his usually smooth voice cracking and making all of them cringe at the new sound, but Logan didn't turn around. He kept fumbling with the key in the door because of his trembling hands. "It's how we work… I say something stupid, then you yell at me because I'm an idiot…" he kept going, desperation creeping in with every word, "…It's how we work…" he repeated slowly, trying to convince himself that everything would be okay. "It's what we do…" he added, trying to edge towards Logan's side so that the boy could see him, but he wouldn't turn around.

He just kept fighting more and more with his key, unable to make it go into the lock and wanting to just chuck it to the ground and scream, but he stayed calm on the outside. He was too upset with James to do anything else.

"James, maybe you should back off…" Kendall suggested quietly, lifting his hand up to the boy's shoulder to keep him from moving any closer. He could see Logan's confliction all over his sullen face, which was turned down and facing the house as he finally stopped trying to force the key into the lock and started to shut his eyes.

"No! You don't understand," James whined, shrugging Kendall off of him and wiping a fallen tear from his cheek. "Only Logan understands how this works… We never walk away angry…" he explained weakly, biting the inside of his cheek as he ducked his head to try to make Logan see again.

However, Logan stood his ground, listening but unwilling to turn towards him. James always did this. He took their arguing a step too far, and then Logan would constantly forgive him easily when he probably shouldn't have. He let James walk all over him and take his tolerance for granted, and he was tired of it all because it never failed to leave him hurting. However, Logan was still a little compassionate because he could tell from sound alone that James was hurting too.

"I never know when to stop… I- I'm not a good person… I'm so sorry… so fuckin' sorry. You're too important to lose. You guys are all I have," James reached up, resting his hand on the back of Logan's neck, eliciting cautious stares from Carlos and Kendall, but he didn't stop, and he wasn't pushed away.

"You have tons of friends…" Logan muttered, only a bit of venom in his tone as he finally unlocked the front door, but he wouldn't step inside yet. He gave James a slight reprieve and pivoted to meet his intense gaze with one of his own. The pain on both of their faces was palpable, making Kendall and Carlos feel it almost just as much.

"They aren't my friends! They're people, just people I see around sometimes; people who like me for stupid reasons that don't really fuckin' mean anything…" James insisted genuinely, speaking quickly as he thought of all of his random peers whose opinions he used to care about. This moment was making him see how insignificant that desire for acceptance and popularity was, "… but you guys like me _**because**_ I'm stupid. You're the only ones who see me; who get me. You're the only ones that matter…"

For just a second, it looked like Logan was going to crash and hug his crying friend, but he didn't. He remained impassive, unwilling to let James get away with it so simply this time. He needed to learn a lesson that even Logan was avoiding. They made things too easy for each other in the past. Maintaining the same vicious pattern wasn't good for either one of them.

"Then start acting like it…" Logan told James firmly, looking him right in the eyes before dragging his bag inside with him. He left the door open, and James was about to rush through it with Kendall behind him, but Carlos jumped into the opening and blocked their path with outstretched arms.

"Okay, we're done here for tonight. I'm going inside with Logan… Kendall, take care of James," Carlos ordered them calmly, sounding more mature than any of them in the last several minutes.

Kendall nodded, still shocked at the entire exchange and grateful for Carlos uncharacteristically taking over. The boy was becoming a young adult, and, despite his youthful antics, he was responsible and protective of his family. He wasn't going to let them fall apart. Their foursome was too important to all of them.

Kendall tried to take James' arm into a gentle hold, but the brunette whimpered and pulled away to wipe another tear from his eye irritably.

"I don't need help," he declared, his shuddering voice betraying his words.

"Yes, Jamie, you do," Carlos claimed peacefully, taking his hands off of the doorjamb and squeezing one of the taller boy's arms with a pitiful smile and a short nod at Kendall, signaling him for assistance. The blonde returned the gesture queasily and stepped towards James again.

"I wanna talk to Logan," the boy moaned, burying his face into his hands and breathing deeply, already knowing that he wouldn't be able to.

"No, he's got a stressful morning tomorrow… You've said enough. Just leave him alone and let him rest a little bit. It's best if you don't come in…" Carlos kept a firm stance, voicing his instructions delicately but leaving no room for discussion. He took a step backwards into the house, where he could hear Logan beyond the kitchen in the laundry room. He was letting out his frustration and making himself useful by slamming the washing machine and starting a load of dirty clothes. "We'll see you guys tomorrow," Carlos walked into the Mitchells' house and started to shut the door solemnly.

"But-" James tried to move forward, but Kendall stopped him.

"It'll be alright, James. Carlos will take care of him. We… We messed up… We gotta let Logan do this on his own," he tugged the reluctant brunette to the edge of the porch with a pathetic wave at Carlos, who finally clicked the door shut and disappeared with Logan.

It all ended up horribly wrong, but Kendall and James learned their lesson. They knew that they handled things badly, but they couldn't take it back. They had to give Logan space and just be there for him. They wanted to protect him, but they had to support him too. James couldn't keep looking at things from his limited point of view, and Kendall had to relinquish some control no matter how much it scared him.

Both of the stubborn boys let their own baggage interfere with something important to their best friend. James relied heavily on his family with the boys, and he was selfish when it came to them. He didn't let Sandra or Chris in fully. His mother tried hard, but it was up to him as to whether he put his walls down or not, and, so far, they were still reinforced with steel. His father talked to him about everything, but there was no real parenting going on. James loved Chris, but he wasn't stupid. He knew that he wasn't doing everything a father should, so he learned not to count on him too much. Kendall, Carlos and Logan were the only ones he shared everything with, and sometimes he forgot how scary that could get. They protected him, and he wanted to protect them just as much, but his way of dealing with things was damaged and twisted. He had to reteach himself to handle serious problems since he had only been focusing on life's fun opportunities until recently. Kendall changed everything. It was for the better, but there were still bumps along the way.

Even the young man himself wasn't immune to the alterations happening in their lives. Kendall didn't look at the Logan and Patrick situation like he should have. He let his own ideas cloud his judgment and ultimately hurt his friend, which was something he never wanted to accomplish even if his heart was in the right place. The last couple of years had messed with his head, and it wasn't just all about Patrick. It was also his mother's new boyfriend, David Morgan, and his experiences with Elliot. Sage's stepfather, who wasn't even a part of their lives since he had told Kendall he sent Sage away, still managed to make him feel the effect of his existence. It made him immediately doubt any man's intentions. David was supposedly a nice guy, but Kendall insisted that he must have secrets or ulterior motives. Although, deep down, he knew that was stupid, and this argument with Logan only proved that. He couldn't keep hurting other people because of Elliot, and harming Logan was probably the worst thing he could have done. Kendall was willing to accept the fact that him meeting Patrick was out of his hands, and it never should have been in them in the first place.

"Come on, James, we'll see him tomorrow. He's just pissed. He'll forgive us," Kendall assured him as he pulled the boy towards the street to go home.

"I wanna be there when he's done with Patrick. We need to be there in case something goes wrong. He's gonna need us if he gets hurt…" James announced, starting to lose the vibration in his voice as he calmed down with Kendall by his side and tried to reassess everything.

"I'll talk to Carlos later and see if he knows where they'll be, but we're not gonna interrupt them. Logan's gotta do this, but we'll see him after. I promise," Kendall nodded, keeping a close eye on James as he picked up his bag off of the street, glad that no cars had ever passed by to drive over it. Although, he was sure that it would have been the least of his problems.

James agreed quietly, deciding that letting the meeting happen was for the best. He had to learn to let go and trust Logan. He prayed that everything would turn out alright, but, if it didn't, he would be ready to comfort Logan with his brothers' help and not a single "I told you so" in sight.

* * *

Logan stood outside of Sherwood Diner the next morning, almost having gotten no sleep the night before. Carlos stayed with him the entire time, talking when he wanted to and staying silent through a few movies when he didn't. He missed James and Kendall, but he knew that he'd see them after his reunion with Patrick. They hadn't called or texted, but Carlos assured him that it was only because he told them to give him space. He saw how upset they were, feeling it just as much inside of himself, but he knew that space was good. He had to get through meeting his father, and then he could go back to the boys. He was well aware that they were anxious, but he wanted to let the two hotheads squirm a bit for once. Honestly, he had already forgiven them.

When he felt his phone buzz, Logan pulled it out of his pocket with frozen fingers. He had been standing in the cold for way too long.

"_Ur stil outside aren't ya? ;) -C"_

Logan chuckled at Carlos' text, thinking that the boy knew him too well, and nodded as he sent back a reply with a smile.

"_I'm going in any second… I swear… -L"_

He took a deep breath and eyed the diner's entrance from where he stood a few yards away near a bus stop. Carlos had driven him in his car, taking Logan's vehicle back to his house to wait awhile before he could pick him up again. This way, Logan didn't have to drive with jumbled nerves, and it also gave him no chance to wimp out and escape easily. The idea was all his, but now he sort of wished he'd kept his mouth shut. He knew Patrick was inside. He couldn't see him, but he was almost sure he could feel him, and that was enough to send a bunch of endorphins through his system that told him to run away in fear. It wasn't even a fear of Patrick himself. It was a fear of seeing him again. What was he like? Did he look different? Would he even recognize Logan?

"_Love ya… ur gonna be fine. I'll see u soon :) –C"_

A simple text message from his friend, whose intelligence was greatly underestimated, was enough to make Logan smile again and swallow the fear down. No matter what happened with his father, he'd still have Carlos, Kendall, and James.

With that in mind, Logan slipped his phone back into the pocket of his jeans and stared at the two glass doors of the diner. He squeezed his eyes shut, getting his body to stop shaking, and walked slowly towards the building. Gripping the handle of the door tightly, he pulled it open, fighting against the wintry wind pushing against it and stepping into the warm atmosphere of the diner. There weren't many customers. Most of the usual breakfast crowd had already filed out, and it was too early for the lunch rush. A family of four sat at the table closest to him opposite of the coatrack, a couple sat in a booth a few tables behind them, and an elderly man nibbled on a muffin at the counter while talking to one of the waitresses about his grandchildren.

The only other customer in the entire place was a man at the farthest booth in the corner, and Logan knew it was him with only a single look across the main area of the diner. He was sure that something would be drastically different, but the basics of Patrick were the same, and looking at him simply sipping a small mug of coffee made Logan feel like he was seven years old again.

* * *

_**Nearly eleven years ago…**_

* * *

"_You're gonna be such a great big brother, Logan!" Carlos yelled happily, clapping his little hands together in excitement while the small genius blushed at the compliment and shrugged. _

_Logan shifted on the couch in his living room, where he rested with a throw pillow beside Kendall, and Carlos and James sat on the floor playing with the chess set Logan had gotten for Christmas a few months earlier. They didn't understand the game, but Carlos appreciated that the pieces had names like action figures. After Logan told them which four were called "knights", Kendall had scooped them up so the other two boys couldn't make them fight in the pretend war occurring on the checkered board. James was knocking two bishops together, while Carlos clashed the ivory-colored king into the shiny black one, but the game was forgotten entirely after Logan announced that his mother was pregnant._

_Laura was only two months along, but she was secure enough about the healthy pregnancy to tell her son to expect another member of their family. She seemed edgy when she had said it, internally thinking of an argument she and Patrick had endured earlier in the week after her doctor's appointment, but she kept a bright smile when Logan asked if he could tell his friends. The little boy was excited beyond belief, and Laura didn't want to put her own stress on her enthusiastic son. She just didn't know how the next several months were going to play out with Patrick's drug habit getting worse and worse. _

"_I hope so… What if I do something wrong? I've never been around a baby before," Logan muttered nervously, holding out the bag of graham crackers his mother had given him so that Carlos, Kendall, and James could all grab one. They were careful as they bit into them, avoiding crumbs if they could so Laura wouldn't have to clean up after them too much. _

"_Nuh-uh! You hang out near Katie all the time since she was born," James reminded him, stretching his growing legs out in front of him as he took a second bite of his snack. _

"_Yeah, and baby sisters are great. You just gotta be careful with them. Besides, you never get into trouble, Logie. My dad says that makes you a good role model," Kendall declared cheerfully, saying his last two words cautiously, thinking if it was the term Kevin had used and smiling when he decided that he was correct and received a nod from Logan. "It's not so hard to deal with babies. Mom even lets me hold Katie sometimes whenever I promise to sit really still on the couch like this," he continued, showing the boys what he meant by straightening his posture and holding the graham cracker between his teeth and keeping his body completely immobile and stable in his seat on the sofa. When he was satisfied with his demonstration, he started snacking on the cracker again. _

"_Wait, what if it's not a girl? What if it's a boy?" Carlos wondered, folding his legs beneath him and cradling his lucky helmet in his lap where he knew he couldn't lose it._

_He got three shrugs as a response, none of them really caring about the gender of the newest baby. _

"_Either way, I think they're gonna be best friends with Katie just like all of us are with each other," Logan grinned, high-fiving James when the boy put his hand out with a giggle._

_The quartet stopped laughing, having just started to engage in a friendly group wrestling match after a simple slap to James' palm, when Laura stepped into the room with her hands resting on her hips. _

"_What are you boys up to?" she asked, fighting back a smirk at their startled faces._

"_Nothing, Mrs. Mitchell," James, Kendall, and Carlos smiled fearfully while Logan rolled his eyes and leapt up to run to his mother. _

"_We were just playing, Mommy," he assured her sweetly, wrapping his thin arms around her waist and pressing his forehead into her belly as if he could try to talk to the growing baby inside, which wasn't even making its presence visually known yet. "I told them that you were pregnant. We all wanna know if it's gonna be a boy or girl…" he smiled up at her, hoping she'd give him the answer. _

"_Sorry, guys, we're not going to know for a little while longer… Kendall's mom just called and said she'd be here in a minute to pick you guys up. Don't forget your backpacks," Laura informed them, bending down to kiss the top of her son's head as he finished up the piece of graham cracker he held. He hugged her one more time, and then started to clean up the chess pieces as the boys slung their bags over their shoulders. _

_A car honked outside, letting them know it was time to go. _

"_Bye, Logan! We'll see you tomorrow at school!" Kendall yelled, strolling casually towards the door while he and Logan laughed at their other two friends, who were engaging in a minor slap fight after James tapped the top of Carlos' helmet. When Karen hit the horn outside again, Carlos stopped with a smile. _

"_Last one to Mama Knight is a loser!" he cried out, grinning mischievously at James as he shoved past him. _

"_Bye, Kendall," Logan sighed, shaking his head in amusement as he shut the door when the blonde calmly walked out after crazy duo. _

_Laura had disappeared into the kitchen to work on preparing dinner while Logan continued cleaning up the living room from his play date, not having to be told to keep the house neat. He put all the pillows into their rightful places on the couch, dusting any crumbs that got onto the furniture into the plastic bag the crackers had been in. Just as he put the chess board and pieces into their box and slipped it into the draw under the coffee table, he heard his father barge through the door. _

_Patrick strode right past Logan, not even looking at his son as he headed right for the kitchen. Logan frowned, having grown accustomed to his father's shifting moods. He used to be a consistently happy man, but the last year had brought a lot of changes, ones he wouldn't understand until he was older. Right now, Logan wanted to cry. Patrick was in a bad mood this time. _

_He crept through the foyer and down the hall, staying hidden in the shadows as he eavesdropped on the middle of a conversation between his parents. Logan felt a little guilty for doing something sneaky, but he felt like he deserved to know something. He was a little kid, but he wasn't stupid. He knew something was wrong with his dad._

"_They're fuckin' putting me under goddamn investigation! The stupid board said that I was acting oddly and 'exhibiting unstable behavior'. Fuck them. This is such bullshit," Patrick ranted angrily, not even actually looking at his wife as she avoided eye contact with him and continued chopping a pile of carrots. _

_The young Logan couldn't help but think that "odd" and "unstable" were exactly the right words to describe his father, and he was pretty sure that his mom agreed with him, but he didn't know what made Patrick act like he did. He just remembered that, now, he only ever cracked a smile when he had a small bottle of pills in his hand, but Logan didn't have any idea what they were for. _

"_Can you believe that, Laura? If I lose my job, I swear to god that I'm gonna punch every board member in the entire fucking hospital," Patrick growled, finally turning to his wife with a tapping foot and one hand gripping the edge of the counter tightly. _

"_You have to stop taking those drugs, Pat. It changes you. They were bound to see it…" she told him softly, looking at him with tired and pleading eyes while she placed the knife down and wiped her hands on a rag. She faced him, only a few steps between the pair. _

"_Did you tell them about the painkillers?" Patrick formulated it as a question, but it sounded more like an accusation. He inched closer to her, raising his voice and making Logan slither back a little farther into the shadows as he continued to watch the scene unfold. _

"_No, of course I didn't!" Laura looked offended at the suggestion, thinking to all of the times in the last several months that she had covered for him; listening to promises of better things. She was starting to see that his hopes of recovery were lies. He was just getting worse. _

"_It doesn't matter if you told them or someone else. Either way, you're always trying to mess me up! You're supposed to love me for better or worse, but you look at me like I disgust you… " Patrick seemed emotional, casting his bloodshot eyes down to the linoleum beneath their feet, and Logan wasn't sure if he was upset with himself or his wife, but then Patrick looked back up with a new fire in his stare. "You don't want me to take the pills, but I _**need **_them, Laura. Why can't you see that?" he finished sadly, gripping the end of his shirt as if he was trying to stay in his own body. Logan swallowed thickly, thinking he could see tears fall down Patrick's usually stoic face. _

"_They're making you sick, Baby," Laura bit her bottom lip, her own expression softening as she reached out to try to hold one of her husband's hands, but he jumped back like she had electrocuted him._

"_No, they make me better! I'm only sick when I can't have them… I need them to function… You don't know anything," Patrick's mood swung again, going back to being vicious as he sneered at Laura. He shoved a pale hand into his pocket and pulled out a bottle of pills, which made Logan suck in a harsh breath as he watched his father pop the cap off of the unmarked container. _

_Laura gasped, feeling anger of her own when she saw the drugs and witnessed the look of hatred on Patrick's face. She was tired of being too forgiving. _

"_I know that they turn you into an asshole," she declared in aggravation, stepping forward and snatching the bottle from an unsuspecting Patrick. _

_She hurried to the sink, attempting to dump the entire contents of the bottle into the disposal. Patrick stood frozen until he realized what was happening. He listened to the pills hit the bottom of the sink and actually whined in protest, looking frightened by the thought of not having them before scowling and running towards her. _

"_Don't!" he grabbed Laura by the waist, tossing her backwards with strength Logan didn't know that he possessed. _

_He watched in horror as his mother collided with the island behind her, causing her torso to hit the top of it with a sickening thud before she slipped to the ground with a groan. Logan wanted to run towards her, but his own fear rooted him in place against the wall of the hallway, which his fingers were helplessly trying to clutch into. He only breathed again when he saw that Laura's eyes were open and she was sitting up with a cold stare at Patrick's back while he gathered the drugs from the sink and popped them back into the bottle with frantic movements like he was trying to save a patient. _

_He turned around, searching the area for Laura before seeming to remember that she was below him. He looked down, startled by the fact that she was on the floor, and Logan thought he could see an apology forming on his father's chapped lips, but it died when Laura glared at Patrick angrily. He returned the look, grinding his teeth and clutching the container in his sweaty palm. _

"_Stop trying to change me… I'm fine… Just st-stop…" he bit his bottom lip, surveying the woman he was supposed to love before he stormed off through the back door connected to the kitchen. _

_Once he heard his father's car start, Logan ran forward and let the tears fall from his eyes. He knelt next to Laura, who was looking ill and moaned when she lifted herself off of the floor. _

"_Get your jacket, Sweetie. Mommy's gotta go to the hospital," she mumbled, attempting a smile for Logan's benefit as she caressed his cheek and held her stomach with her other hand. _

_She probably should have called for an ambulance, but her pain was manageable, and she didn't want a spectacle on her front lawn. If that happened, everyone would know what Patrick had done. She wanted to keep her family's secrets, and claim that she took a nasty fall. No matter how terrible he had become, Patrick was the love of her life, and she wouldn't watch him go to jail. She didn't know how she could ever handle that. Laura wasn't strong enough to do what was right. _

* * *

Logan stood in the entryway of the diner, studying the man that literally demolished his family. With a single illogical movement, Patrick had caused Laura to miscarry and took away his baby brother or sister, setting them all on a path that lead them here: Logan afraid to talk to his own father, who had been gone for eleven years, and Laura was emotionally distant and scared to parent her only child. She was worried that she'd ruin him, and Logan knew it. That's why he never pushed her. She was traumatized just as much as he had been, if not more. Laura lost everything she had worked so hard to build. They were a perfect family and it all spiraled out of her control after a simple accident Patrick had while working at the hospital. It only took one hallucinating, violent patient to push Patrick into a series of events that lead to the darkest moments of their lives.

He only had a few vivid memories of his father, but Logan could already tell that Patrick was different now, and from all of the medical studies he's read, he knew for a fact that his father was clean. His skin was a healthy hue, his body was calm, and even from a distance he could tell that his blue eyes were clear as he studied the table in front of him and scratched the back of his neck nervously. Logan almost smiled. He did that too, and now he knew that he got the habit from his dad. There were so many things to learn.

Walking closer, Logan stuffed his hands into his pockets, feeling for his phone like a lifeline. He kept telling himself that, if things went bad, his friends were just a call away. He was only a few tables from Patrick now, and he could see that the man's hair had started to go gray in some areas, and it was thinner than it had been in the past. It wasn't too extreme, but he still looked older than his age, and Logan was sure it was because of the drugs, which made him nervous. It took a long battle with narcotics to have those effects. He pushed away any fear he had, reminding himself that he was the one with the control here. Patrick had talked to him a few times on the phone over the last three weeks, setting a date and time and learning a little bit about each other. They had conversed long enough for Logan to understand that this was Patrick reaching out to him, and that the intentions he held were only coming from good places; something that Kendall and James couldn't grasp.

"Patrick Mitchell?" his voice seemed wrong to his own ears, thinking that he should of sounded like the little boy in his memories but abruptly remembering that he was a young man now. Everything was different. He was mature and clever. He could handle Patrick now. There wasn't any reason to be afraid.

Patrick's head shot up quickly, making Logan flinch slightly before settling back into a comfortable stance in front of the table.

"Logan? Wow, you look… You look perfect… Really, really good," he almost appeared relieved. Logan could physically see the deep breath he took in and let out, which only caused him to do the exact same. Step one, the initial moment of seeing each other, was over, and that allowed him to feel a little lighter.

Patrick hesitated, seeming like he might climb out of the booth to hug his son before shifting back into his seat and watching Logan move his weight from one foot to the other. As he watched his father clear his throat and gesture quickly to the empty space across from him, Logan actually smirked a little bit, thinking that he also got his menial social skills from Patrick. He slipped into the booth, and didn't order anything when the waitress abruptly appeared beside him, turning her away with a pleasant "no thank you" and a kind smile. After that, there were no more interruptions. It was just Logan Mitchell sitting in front of his long-lost father. They both stared at each other, unsure of what to say.

Logan couldn't get over how normal Patrick looked. He had the appearance of just another man at the diner, but he knew that he was a lot more than that. Patrick is his father, his tormentor, and so much beyond what he can even name. His dad used to be his entire world. He was the reason for his prospective career choice of medicine… He was the reason for so many things, and Logan had started to realize that the second he saw him sitting and sipping coffee. The man had been gone for over a decade, but his effect was felt every day.

"So… is there anything that you want to say? Can you, uh, tell me who you are?" Logan broke the silence timidly, having a myriad of questions but unsure of how to ask a single one. They all felt odd, like he shouldn't have to actually verbalize them, but the sad part was that he really did. They didn't know each other anymore. Patrick was a grown man with a freshly darkened history, and Logan was no longer the little boy who idolized everything he did with a smile.

"Right, that sounds really weird," Patrick chuckled uneasily, giving voice to Logan's internal thoughts, which elicited a small smile from the brunette as he waited for his father to continue. "I'm, uh- I live in North Carolina now, but I've only been there for the past five years. After I left here, I was kinda pissed off at the world, and I didn't get the help I was supposed to… I fucked up really bad. Everything got worse before it got better," he paused, taking a blue packet of sugar into his hands and fiddling with it between his fingers as a tiny distraction, seeming as if he despised his own story but also like he had told it many times before.

Logan thought the hatred was justified. How could anyone be proud of the things he did?

"I stayed on the drugs, all kinds of them, for a long time. Every time I tried to quit, I got sucked back into it. Things were just easier with them. There was less stress, less responsibility, less of anything emotionally substantial. It took me a long time to realize that I wanted to have reality back… I wanted to come back to be with you guys, but, even when I was high, I knew that I couldn't show up unless I was clean… I tried rehab, but I just barely made it through the program. I knew I wasn't really better, and I went right back to scoring pills on the streets. I officially lost my medical license about a year after I left here, and I used that as an excuse to wallow in my misery," Patrick laughed darkly, shaking his head in disgust with himself. It made Logan more comfortable to see that Patrick knew what he was talking about. At least he acknowledged that his behavior was insane.

"How long have you been clean?" Logan asked cautiously, not sure what kind of response he was looking for. He picked up a small container of coffee creamer, using it to distract his anxious hands by tossing it slowly from one to the other.

"Five years last month," Patrick gave a genuine smile, proud of his progress and sure of his continued success. "When I got better, when I got secure in my sobriety, I wanted to move back home, but I didn't… I felt like I'd ruin things, like I didn't deserve it…" he admitted quietly, tossing the sugar packet onto the table beside his coffee cup and looking up at Logan, who didn't seem pleased by the information. He was kind of hoping that Patrick had only recently recovered from his addiction.

"So, you were being selfish? You should have come back for me, and for Mom…Unless, you didn't really want to…" he spoke in a hushed tone, looking up with frustration plastered on his innocent features.

"No, I wanted to be here more than anything. It's what I thought about every day I was in rehab, but what I wanted didn't matter. It had to be about what was best for you and Laura, and she didn't want me here," Patrick informed him carefully, unsure of Logan and his mother's relationship.

"She didn't?" Logan's voice softened, the anger dissipating into confusion.

"I called her when I was in the program getting clean for good, trying to make amends. We made… peace... as much as we could. I said I was sorry for all of the messed up things I did, and she got to tell me what she really thought about me," Patrick grinned, affectionately thinking of his fiery ex-wife and proud of the fact that she gave him everything he had coming to him. "We also agreed that I shouldn't come back to Sherwood. We both thought it was for the best, but I called her again in November on your birthday for a second chance. That way, this was _**your**_ choice… Laura didn't try to stop me, and I don't think she really wanted to. She knows you're a young man… This was your decision… I just hope I don't let you down," he ended awkwardly, offering a half of a smile as he swirled the coffee in his mug and set it back down.

Logan was as calm as he thought he was ever going to be. He didn't feel pressured. Actually, he felt a little happier knowing Patrick's story. He had always filled in the gaps with his imagination, and he wanted to know the truth. Now that he had it, it didn't seem so scary anymore. It was over and done with. There was no going back, only going forward.

"We'll see…" Logan spoke confidently, not wanting to let Patrick think he was so easily back into his life. He had to keep his guard up a little longer. "What do you do in North Carolina now that you aren't a doctor anymore?"

Patrick smiled again, tracing the edge of the saucer beneath his cup with a finger as the conversation continued smoothly.

"I have a wife, Denise… She owns a restaurant. I help around there, doing whatever I can… It's not easy getting any other job because of my past…" Patrick confessed, his lips turning down in a grimace as he raised his cup to his mouth.

"You were convicted of something…" Logan declared with certainty, having no doubt about the statement. He raised an eyebrow, as if he was going to catch his father in a lie, but Patrick quirked a shoulder and bit the inside of his cheek.

"Yeah, a few assaults and drug possessions… You're still really smart, like your mother," he smirked fondly, happy to see his son with a bright mind.

"Like you…" Logan corrected him quickly. Laura was intelligent, but he always thought that he was more like Patrick than anything.

"I'm not so smart, Buddy," his father assured him soberly, picking up the sugar packet again to play with it.

"So, you're remarried?" Logan redirected the conversation, finding that he was in full control of the whole exchange, which made him pleasantly comfortable.

He felt a power inside of himself, like, if he wanted to, he could walk out of there without a word. It was exhilarating, and it made seeing Patrick less frightening. He was just a broken man, not someone who could hurt him anymore.

"Do you have any kids?" he asked further, not waiting for an answer to the first question before bringing out the second.

He knew that his parents had divorced long ago, and that Laura kept the last name she had taken before Logan was born, but he wasn't sure of how he should react to the idea of Patrick having a new family. The thought of his father moving on offended him a little, thinking that the man should remain miserable, but the other half of his heart felt slightly proud of Patrick for surviving through everything he did and coming out of it in a good place. It was almost inspiring.

"Oh, no, it's just you," Patrick widened his eyes and shook his head, appearing startled by the thought of having any more children. "Denise is a recovering alcoholic. We, uh… We decided that it wouldn't be right to raise any kids. It wouldn't be fair to them… It wasn't fair to you… I'm sorry about all of that, Logan… I really am… " he cleared his throat at the tension that immediately settled between them.

Logan's mouth settled into a tiny frown, not sure of how he was supposed to respond and actually confused by the lack of hatred he felt. Maybe Patrick expected him to be in a bad place because of what happened, but he survived too. He found ways to move on, and it wasn't in his character to hold a grudge. Patrick would most likely never be a father figure to him again, but that didn't mean he was an enemy. He could still be a friendly face.

"I know… and I can't really say that it's okay, but, you know… Let's just… move on," Logan suggested cordially, earning a sigh of relief and a look of admiration from Patrick. The older man nodded, smiling at his son like he just saved the world.

"How have you been? What's school like? This sounds dumb every time I even think of it, but I don't really know you at all," Patrick sounded sorry again, looking to his son for guidance, and, for once, Logan knew what to do.

He smiled and shrugged, taking the higher road. He didn't need to bring up why Patrick didn't know him. They both knew everything now. It was history.

"I do well in my classes, and I'm on the hockey team with Kendall, James, and Carlos," he explained happily, feeling a tad of joy wash over him when he got to mention his brothers.

"They're still your friends?" Patrick grinned, seeming pleased with the idea.

"They're still my family," Logan responded quickly, feeling the need to tweak the wording.

He could still remember a high Patrick insisting that the boys didn't matter. Logan wanted him to know that he was wrong and that they are everything. They are more important than Patrick ever could have been or ever will be. That's why Logan already forgave Kendall and James for the confrontation yesterday, but they didn't need to know that yet. He wanted to let the two stubborn boys sweat so they wouldn't try something stupid like that again. He was sure that they learned their lesson as soon as he stormed inside without saying goodbye, all of them knowing that they never ended things on a sour note, but he really wanted to drive his point home.

Logan smiled at the thoughts, missing his best friends already.

"Are you gonna head off to college in the fall?" Patrick wondered, relaxing as the waitress appeared to freshen his cup of coffee. He thanked her right away before bringing his full attention back to his son.

"That's the plan…" Logan announced enthusiastically, not able to hide the slight uncertainty in his tone.

"Is it _**your**_ plan?" Patrick asked, grinning like he already knew the answer.

"Yes… Well, it _**was**_. I'm supposed to be a doctor like you are, uh…were," he fixed his statement at the end, giving his father an apologetic look that was easily waved away.

"How do you know what you're 'supposed' to be? What do you _**want**_ to be?" Patrick leaned forward, placing his forearms on the tabletop.

"I don't really know anymore. I thought I did, but some things happened that made me reevaluate everything, and I just don't know… I feel like I'm supposed to be here with the guys. That's absolutely the only thing I'm sure of. I think we're supposed to stick together," Logan's eyes drifted to the window beside him, thoughtfully watching a car drive down the street beside the diner.

"Then that's what you should do. Trust me, being a doctor is great and rewarding, but it doesn't really mean much with no one to share it with. Med school can be intense… You need to be positive about why you're there. You need to be happy going in, or it'll just make you more miserable," Patrick offered helpfully, making Logan feel grateful. He considered it for a few moments while his father watched his face shift with a smile. "I know that I'm not exactly the guy to be handing out advice, but I've got plenty of life experience… You should do whatever makes you feel good, even if it's not what you ever expected it to be. Follow your heart _**and**_ your head. Both help. Don't rely on just one of them, or it'll mess you up," he grinned sadly, wishing that he had gotten the advice himself years ago before he made too many mistakes to be repaired. His brain had always told him to go for the drugs, but, as a doctor, it also said he was being insane and that he was ill, and his heart yelled at him to stop harming his family.

"Thanks… Patrick… I'll keep that in mind," Logan smiled thankfully at his father, stumbling slightly when he used his name, but Patrick didn't seem to mind at all. They both knew that things couldn't go back to the way they were. Right now, Patrick wasn't his father anymore, not in the sense that counted, but he was a friend.

"Anytime, Logan… "

* * *

It was another hour before Logan texted Carlos and told him to come get him. He and Patrick had talked until it was close to lunch time. There was no pressure. They were just getting to know each other, and it put Logan in a positive mood. Even though it was painful, not having his father in his life and meeting him again now felt right. It felt like things were meant to work out that way in order to make them both stronger in the end. After Patrick left for the airport with plans for future telephone conversations, only walking out the door when his son insisted that he had a ride back home, Logan sat in the diner until his phone buzzed, letting him know that Carlos was outside waiting for him.

Logan smiled, feeling good as he strolled out of the diner and onto the sidewalk. He looked down to zip his jacket when the wind howled and then froze when he raised his head back up.

Carlos was playing with the keys to Logan's car, twirling them around his finger with a grin as he leaned against the silver vehicle, and James and Kendall stood side by side near him with pitiful expressions directed at Logan. When Carlos spotted him, he straightened up, appearing instantly concerned and wondering how everything with Patrick went. Carlos only seemed to breathe again when Logan donned a lopsided smirk and quickly moved towards them.

He got to James first, who was staring at him like he thought that he might get hit, and he probably believed that he deserved such an action.

"You're a fuckin' jerk," Logan mumbled into James' shoulder, wrapping his arms around the tall boy and squeezing until it hurt.

"I know," James whispered thickly, relaxing when Logan didn't sound angry, and hugged him back with all of his strength. "I'm sorry…" he added, still feeling like it wasn't enough.

"I know…" Logan smiled when he pulled back, teasing him a little bit, but letting him know he was forgiven. He looked over to Kendall next, who didn't even wait for Logan to come to him. He scooped the smaller boy up in a tight embrace as soon as he was done with James.

"We were really, really, really, really wrong, Logie… We shouldn't have done that to you…" Kendall admitted genuinely, patting Logan's back before reluctantly stepping away to let the brunette breathe when he started to struggle in the enthusiastic hug with muffled laughter. "Are you okay? Was Patrick an ass? Or, I mean, was he nice? Because either way-" he started rambling, trying to figure out how to be supportive without sounding overprotective.

"Kendall, calm down. Everything's fine. It was good. We're gonna talk again soon on the phone. He was… friendly…" Logan bit his lip, not sure if he was describing the exchange accurately. "He just wanted to get to know me. He doesn't want to steal my money, destroy my life, or kill my first born. He's just a remorseful man. It was all pretty harmless," he shrugged, still in a good mood, making all three of his friends smile in relief.

"I'm so freakin' glad we're all brothers again. This was the most exhausting sixteen hours and thirty-four minutes of my life! Being the responsible one is hard," Carlos chimed in with a pout and a yawn, tossing Logan the keys to his car and giggling lightly when he barely managed to catch them.

"I promise you, Carlitos, we'll go back to normal. I'll be the responsible leader. You can be the loveable goof. James will only be a dick occasionally, and Logan can bravely put up with us all," Kendall smirked, climbing into the passenger's seat as James hopped in the back with Carlos while Logan walked around to the driver's door with a bright smile.

He was still unsure about what his future held, but he knew without a doubt that it would be with his brothers. Wherever he ended up, he needed them by his side. Even if they all argued and pushed each other away, all four of them would always gladly come back together like magnets.

* * *

**A/N: Next chapter… We merge with the BTR universe! Gustavo Rocque comes to town and our boys are changed forever! :D (So fuckin' excited for this next step ;D)**

*******IMPORTANT: I will be posting a story on Tuesday called "For the Lovers of Kage"… It will be a series of smutty/fluffy/fun one-shots for Kendall/Sage. If you like them, you'll LOVE this :D The first one will be based off of "Big Time Beach Party", and I'm really eager to share it with you all! It's gonna be goooooood :D :D :D PLEASE, please author alert me or keep an eye out so I can get your thoughts on it :)*******

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I LOVE new people :D Say hi. I don't bite ;) **


	28. Big Time Transformations

**A/N: Hello! Did you all enjoy "For the Lovers of Kage"? Let's check in on the world of PTS ;D (it's going through some changes right now :D) **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**DO IT: ****Go read**_ Surfergal23_**'s lovely story Hooked. It's a Kendall/OC and so much more ;D  
**

**On with PTS! :D Please, enjoy and review :) **

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 28: BIG TIME TRANSFORMATIONS_

* * *

Kendall adjusted his gray beanie; tugging it down over his ears and blowing into his palms before realigning his hands just right on his hockey stick and making a smooth pass to Carlos. The talented goalie stopped it easily, only several yards away on the icy surface of the pond where the boys had been practicing in the winter for their whole lives. Kendall had recently been reintroduced to the memorable sight once it was cold enough for the water to freeze over in a thick layer, making it perfect for skating. The location was exactly as he remembered it, only the trees were larger and the area felt a bit smaller.

It was a Sunday, and the team had just completed two more successful games in the last month; remaining undefeated for the season. James, Kendall, Carlos, and Logan all got the weekend off to relax, but the hockey-enthusiasts couldn't stop practicing even when the coach gave them a reprieve. The boys slept in on Saturday, but met on their favorite pond the next afternoon. They didn't overexert themselves, but they did run through a few drills to keep the familiarity of the game in their bones.

"Logan is cheating!" James whined from the other side of the frozen water, attempting to stamp his foot but failing because of the slick ice beneath his skates.

"James is lying!" Logan called back with a wave of his hand.

The feuding pair had recently tossed aside their sticks in favor of racing across the ice, trying to beat one another again and again. James had a natural strength when he played, out maneuvering most players no matter how skilled, and he obviously had the longest legs of the four of them, but Logan was easily the fastest. He had an innate ability to fly on his skates, his body moving nearly as rapidly as his extraordinary mind, and he had now beaten James twice in a row.

"Don't be a sore loser, Jamie!" Carlos cupped his glove-clad hands around his mouth and yelled loudly, his voice carrying through the dense woods surrounding them as the only sound in the area. Most of the birds had fled south and the animals were tucked away now that it was the middle of February.

"Let him win once, Logan, or you're never gonna get him to stop fuckin' with you!" Kendall added with laughter when the pale brunette shook his head vigorously and accepted the challenge when James gestured for him to go back to the starting line they had made with two large rocks. Both of them were too stubborn for their own good. "I can't wait to see which one of 'em gives in first," he continued, lowering his tone so only Carlos could hear him.

"My money's on James, but only after he tires Logan out and beats him once, and then he can say he left a winner," the Latino rolled his eyes, and Kendall couldn't see any room for argument.

That was exactly how it went every time. He could never figure out why Logan and James seemed to be gluttons for punishment, but there was always going to be one loser and one winner. It was a good thing that they learned to take turns, or one of them would have killed the other by now. Logan tended to let James dominate anything physical or social, while the genius of their group was granted victory when it came to the mental aspects of their lives; often getting asked for help when it came to homework or even when they were working out strategies for their latest game.

Carlos slid the puck back to Kendall lazily, not having his heart in the game as he usually would, and his observant leader noticed immediately.

"What's on your mind, Carlitos?" he asked with a friendly grin, not bothering to even send the puck anywhere. Instead, he waited for the thoughtful boy to answer while he shifted it on the ice from side to side.

"Have you thought about school much?" he wondered, biting the corner of his chapped lips and leaning his chin on the top of his hockey stick after unsnapping the straps of his helmet and letting them dangle by his jaw.

"Uh, yeah, we're there almost every day," Kendall chuckled, nodding for the boy to get ready before passing the puck swiftly, almost too quickly for Carlos to stop it, but his reflexes were some of the best and he hardly batted a lash as he slammed his stick to the ice just in time. He didn't even seem to care about the movement, still staring at Kendall with a sudden roll of his eyes.

"No, not **_high_** school… I'm talking about after that… What about college? My parents brought it up yesterday, and I had no idea what the hell I was supposed to say," he frowned down at the puck before gliding it across the glassy surface beneath their feet with unenthusiastic strength.

"Well, what do you wanna do? What are you interested in?" Kendall inquired attentively, ignoring the rubber disk by his skates entirely when he saw the look of puzzlement on his friend's face.

"I love my art, but it's just what I've always done. It's just a hobby," Carlos sighed, shrugging sadly and leaning on his stick again. Everyone in their class was making plans for the future, but he had no idea what his held. He was usually okay with that, rolling with the punches as they were delivered, but the pressure was getting to him. Carlos hated plans and strict schedules, but now he felt like he needed something at least loosely organized.

"It's not a hobby. It's a **_talent_**, and you're really good," Kendall insisted sternly, setting his face into an expression his friend couldn't fight against. "If you love it, then you should go with it… Maybe you could take classes at the community college in the fall," he suggested optimistically, donning a smile at the thought while watching Carlos grin at him, which he wasn't sure he liked.

"Okay, I'll do that… but only if you come with me… for your **_music_**," the brunette raised his eyebrows in a challenge, growing giddy inside when the idea struck him.

From an early age, the boys all had dreams. Logan was going to be a doctor. James was destined to be a star. Kendall was going to play hockey for the Minnesota Wild, and Carlos had crazy ambitions that shifted from year to year. Things changed with time. Logan and James had stayed on the same track, but Carlos and Kendall's lives weren't as consistent.

Mr. Knight died and sent his son into a life of constant movement. The only thing he held onto was the people he loved, and the rest fell into the background. Hockey became an escape, not necessarily a career, and his passion for music flared up when he started to move around as a young boy. It was something he could do by himself, and then he shared it with Sage and they both became cemented into his existence. They just went hand in hand. Sage was his inspiration and partner, but now he had neither of those. He was stuck in limbo without her, and that left his future uncertain. He had no idea what he wanted to do after high school. All he knew was that he needed Sage in order to do it.

Carlos, on the other hand, felt like he had too many options. He loved hockey, and even thought about pursuing it further than the school team, but it never seemed like the thing to do. There was never a plan that felt right to him. Sometimes they were too frightening. Sometimes they were unobtainable, and sometimes they just didn't work out. The only thing he had now was his art and his brothers, and he wanted to hold onto both and worry about the rest of his life later. He was going to wait for a great opportunity to come to him with a ceaselessly hopeful spirit.

"I- I'm not sure I could do that…" Kendall didn't think he'd be capable of exploring music without Sage, who was supposed to be back in his life by the time college would start, but nothing was certain.

He hadn't sang or played his guitar since their separation, losing the passion for it without his girlfriend. After a few months, he thought his friends were done bringing up the subject, but apparently they never dropped anything.

"Come on, Kendall. Please, do this with me… When Sage comes home, she's gonna be pissed if you're just working as a cashier… Plus, I'm not gonna take classes unless you go too," Carlos insisted with a smile, knowing he'd win and thrilled that he might be able to get his best friend back into something he said he loved so much.

Kendall thought for a moment, unable to find an argument to use against the persistent boy. The only plans he had made involved making a life with Sage, and keeping his job at the grocery store. He sighed heavily and looked aggravated about being cornered, like he was going to skate up and slap Carlos for suddenly having the mental capacity to outwit him.

"Fine, I'll do it…" Kendall sounded exasperated before he grinned at his friend and glided over to him so they stood side by side. Carlos did a little dance on his skates, celebrating by spinning in a circle.

"Yes! This is gonna be so cool. I'm finally gonna get to hear you sing! When you make an album, can I design the cover?" he asked excitedly, instantly relived now that he had something to look forward to and a little weight was off of his shoulders.

"I'd never let anyone else do it," Kendall agreed happily, clapping his hand down on his friend's shoulder.

"Truce! Fuckin' truce! If I had a white flag, I'd wave it like nobody's business…" James cried out from the other side of the ice, holding his side and breathing heavily with Logan right behind him. The pale boy was nodding as both of them collapsed onto a couple of large rocks at the edge of the pond. Their faces were red and the air puffed out from their mouths in heavy clouds every time they exhaled. The duo's racing had officially come to an end.

"What are we gonna do without them?" Kendall muttered gloomily, thinking about the two members of their foursome no longer staying in Sherwood when graduation arrived. "I can't imagine us not being together… I just got you back," he took a deep breath to calm his suddenly jumpy nerves, already rattled from an intense separation and unsure if he'd be able to handle another one.

James, Kendall, Carlos, and Logan all depended on each other. It wasn't even a preference, but practically a necessity like food, shelter, and water.

"I know, but we still have time," Carlos reminded him brightly as they both watched their two exhausted friends start talking as they calmed down.

"It never seems like enough… James is leaving at the end of June…" Kendall's demeanor saddened even further, thinking about the loss of the big-dreaming brunette.

James had turned eighteen at the end of January, and, ever since that day, not a morning went by without him singing in the car on the way to school. His plans were always to go to Hollywood as soon as possible, but now they weren't just talk. They were becoming a reality. He had some money stashed aside, and he was just going to hop on a bus to California after he got his diploma. James would do whatever he had to in order to make it in Los Angeles, even if that meant living far away from his brothers. He had to do it, and they understood that, but it didn't make the loss any easier.

"Listen, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but…" Carlos interrupted Kendall's thoughts, making the blonde snap his head over to stare at him with curiosity and a nod for him to continue. "Don't tell James I said anything, or you'll hurt his pride," he warned, pointing at his friend with as much of a strict countenance as he could muster, which probably wouldn't have even intimidated a kitten. Kendall just rolled his eyes and waved his hand in a circular motion so the boy would get on with it. "He told me, and this is a direct quote, 'I'm not going until Sage comes home and settles in. Hollywood can wait an extra couple of months for me', and then he started talking about audition songs and I lost interest in the conversation," Carlos admitted, speaking with air quotes before shrugging at the rest.

Kendall smiled fondly, a little shocked as he looked over towards James. He was still sitting with Logan, and they were laughing about something the two of them couldn't hear from across the ice. He felt the urge to go hug the wannabe superstar for his support, even if he wasn't going to admit it. It was the oddest thing about James; never owning up to something nice he did. For a guy who always seemed so full of himself, he was pretty humble when it came right down to it.

"James Diamond… always full of surprises," Kendall laughed softly, shaking his head in disbelief while silently indulging in images of his whole family together; of Sage being where she belonged. "Now, what are we gonna do about Logan?" he glanced sideways at Carlos when he refocused his thoughts, thinking about their other friend's plans for the future.

Logan had always declared that he was going to be a doctor, and he certainly had the brain for it, but, lately, he had been expressing stress when it came to the whole idea. He was reevaluating his life since Kendall and Patrick made their way back into it. His father gave him confidence and support he didn't know he lacked, offering knowledgeable advice without any pressure as they grew to be friends, and Kendall made him see what was important. Family meant everything to Logan because he had so little of it. As their senior year progressed, he had trouble even visualizing leaving his brothers. He couldn't live a life without them. It was February, and he had been accepted into every school he applied to, but he hadn't settled on a single one. Logan was indecisive because none of the answers appeared to be within his grasp. Planning for the future did him no good now that he wasn't sure of what he wanted anymore.

"What can we do? He's gonna go to school no matter what he says. He's Logan… That means that he'll come up with a brilliant solution to all of our problems and still have time to cure cancer before we graduate," Carlos chuckled, kicking the toe of his skate into the ice.

"You're probably right… I just hope he does what's best for him and not all of us, no matter how much I love getting my way," Kendall smirked, moving backwards to gather the puck once again so he and Carlos could go back to their drills.

All four of them felt the weight of the uncertain future on their shoulders. Carlos just started formulating plans, Logan was unsure of the ones he always had, James sacrificed the original timeline of his for his friends, and Kendall just wanted Sage. That was the only plan he had, and, deep down, that was the only plan that mattered to any of them. They needed her to come into their lives, and the rest would just fall into place. Everything would change if they got Sage back.

* * *

"Kendall, you have to go! If you don't, then I might have to kill you… I'm not afraid to do it either. A murder conviction would look awesome on my E! True Hollywood Story," James crossed his arms, glaring at his obstinate friend with fiery hazel eyes.

"James, take a breather," Logan mumbled, pushing the brunette aside when he wouldn't let Kendall gather the carts from the parking lot and do his job. "Kendall, he's right… Not about the murdering part, but, you know, the 'you have to go' part," he agreed warily, bending back a little like he expected the boy with all of the attention on him to jump, but Kendall just sighed and smiled tiredly; finding that repeating himself was exhausting.

"For the last time, I will **_not_** go to L.A. with some assy music producer so he can **_attempt_** to make me famous," he cut his hands through the air, signally that he was done with the conversation; getting three groans from each of his friends.

Their previous night had set them on a course for an epic change in their lives, but Kendall was resistant and couldn't see it quite yet.

Gustavo Rocque, a has-been music producer that was popular in the previous decade, had strutted into town looking for the nation's next greatest star that he could manage in California. The big problem: the guy was a douche bag, and Kendall never responded well to their kind. James dragged them all to the American Idol-style audition after seeing the news report of the sudden time and place and then begging Logan to drive them there through the icy streets. They had made it just in time, and James' nonexistent nerves were unexpectedly blazing like a forest fire. Carlos and Logan bought him time and auditioned just for laughs after Gustavo's diligent assistant, Kelly Wainwright, insisted that they tryout. Carlos found it all hilarious, while Logan was terrified of the temperamental producer, who wasn't amused by their antics at all.

James was another story altogether. After a quick pep talk from Kendall, he had finally entered the room. He got on the stage while his friends snuck in to watch, excited to see their brother's dreams come true faster than they ever thought possible, but then the intimidating producer freaked out the usually confident boy with a nasty glare. His voice cracked for just a moment, and Gustavo lost it; telling James that he had no talent. So, in turn, Kendall lost it too. He yelled at the egotistical man, mockingly singing one of the hothead's greatest hits from the 90's, and even resorting to minor violence and getting them all booted by security and escorted to Kendall's house. A frazzled looking Karen opened the door to see a depressed James, a nervous Kendall, a smiling Carlos, and a frowning Logan.

Surprisingly, the adventure didn't end there. Gustavo and Kelly soon arrived at the Knights' home to look for the talent they wanted, but it wasn't James. It was Kendall, who hadn't really auditioned in the first place. Gustavo enjoyed his "fire" and relatable "anger issues", but Kendall refused their offer as quickly as he could. Katie and Karen had stared at him like he lost his mind; knowing what a career in music would mean to him, but they didn't argue.

His brothers, on the other hand, were taking a different direction. They wanted to change his mind before Gustavo left town for good and the chance was lost. The producer was only giving him until the time of his flight to decide, even though the man was desperate to recruit him. Kendall could read through his angry, loud barriers easily. Sherwood had been his last stop in a nation-wide search for talent, and he would be left with nothing if the blonde wouldn't agree to go, which he was doing with every bone in his body.

"Just give it a shot, Kendall! This is an awesome opportunity. You gotta go for it! Isn't this your dream?" Carlos wondered excitedly, gathering a cart for Kendall and rolling it back and forth with an overabundant amount of energy.

"I think you all know that this isn't exactly how my hopes for a music career are supposed to go down," he glared at each one of their suddenly frowning faces, referring to the lack of Sage. "Besides, I don't want to go to Hollywood with that jerk. I want to stay here with you jerks," he grinned, lightening the mood with a little shove to Logan's shoulder as he dragged another cart and pushed it into the growing stack in front of Sherwood Market.

"He wants you, Dude. You can't turn something like that down… Do you know how hard it is to make it in California? This is your way in! Plus, if you go, then we could live together… and I wouldn't be alone… You're just getting a head start," James bit his lip, trying to make Kendall see how good this could be.

Gustavo may have rejected James, which was difficult to deal with, but he already taught himself how to handle crappy auditions. He could get over it, but he'd always regret not pushing Kendall as hard as he could to make Kendall come with him. James had been right all those months ago when he had promised the blonde that he'd get him to sing for him. It wasn't under the most ideal or normal circumstances, but he did it, and James could see the pure gift his friend had for music. It made him excited for all of the possibilities; for all of the doors that could open for Kendall, who deserved some greatness for himself.

"He's got a point. Turning this guy down would be a stupid mistake," Logan agreed, and Kendall had no idea where the boy's sudden need to encourage rash behavior had come from. He seemed way too excited for something like this.

"What about the plans we just made for school? I was looking forward to that, and I'm not gonna abandon you," Kendall eyed Carlos sympathetically, truly hating the idea of separation. He could hardly even think of saying goodbye to James and Logan after the summer, so leaving them all in just a matter of days was pretty much out of the question.

"School can wait," Logan interjected before the Latino could speak, making all eyes widen and land on him.

That statement was the farthest from any of his other mantras: "detention is for the future fast-food workers of America", and their personal favorite, "homework always comes before video games".

"Someone check to see if he has a fever," Kendall quirked a brow, leaning on the handle of the cart he was moving. He and Carlos watched as James tried to lay his hand on the boy's forehead, which earned him a slap on the wrist.

"Stop- Kendall, I'm not kidding around! I'm being perfectly serious," Logan explained calmly, putting on a professional expression; crossing his arms and placing his lips in a thin line.

"You sound nutty to me," Kendall shrugged, disregarding his friend's attempt at determination.

"Stop trying to change the subject," he countered quickly, making the blonde grimace and continue pushing the cart forward when he had been caught doing exactly what Logan accused. "I'm taking this as seriously as James takes his hair," he continued with a smirk, getting looks from the other three that clearly said they couldn't argue with a declaration like that. James often made his grooming a top priority even above girls. "School will always be there if you want to go. This thing with Gustavo isn't like that. It's statistically unlikely that this opportunity will ever rise again… You have **_one_** chance, and you should take it," Logan finished hopefully, softening as his speech continued. He himself was getting slightly depressed at the image of Kendall leaving, but he wanted the best for him, and this was undoubtedly it.

Kendall faltered for a moment, his grip tightening on the shopping cart before slamming it into the others in the row and turning around to gather another one that had stopped dangerously close to hitting a parked car.

"As usual, Logie's right, and don't use me as an excuse to hide in Sherwood," Carlos grinned, sending a stern glare towards his quiet friend as he effortlessly followed the boy up and down the lot; hovering around him like a bumble bee with Logan and James right by his side. "You're so good, Man! You could blow them all away out there!" he added happily, already imagining watching Kendall on stage singing like he did for Gustavo, only it would probably be with less angry enthusiasm and more smiling.

When Kendall still only shrugged modestly and brushed them off to bring the carts back towards the storefront, James decided that he'd give it another try; attempting to heighten the boy's nonexistent enthusiasm. He was being way too stubborn to see the benefits of the new situation.

"Oh, and we could collaborate if you go! I'd get to ride on your coattails because, really, I'm kind of responsible for all of this," he smirked like he knew that he was verging on being an ass, but he was also trying to get Kendall to laugh a little and stop brooding, and it almost worked.

"Remind me to thank you for that later," he replied, seeming snarky but keeping a playful glint in his green eyes.

"You will be, as soon as we've got a bunch of fans screaming our names… and that includes Sage," James increased his argument.

That got Kendall's attention.

He stopped in his tracks, not caring that they were in the middle of the parking lot and an anxious customer honked his horn and cursed at the four roadblocks before zooming around them.

"Got him!" James delivered a rambunctious stage whisper to Carlos and Logan before adding to his point. "She'll need to find you on her own when she turns eighteen in May, and I can't think of a better flashing neon sign than being all over the news for getting **_famous_**!" he sang the last word, repeatedly and dramatically pointing to Kendall with both hands; getting some approving nods from Logan and Carlos, who also pointed at him with enthusiasm and cheesy smiles.

Kendall rolled his eyes, licking his lips before biting the bottom one in an attempt not to smile. He moved forward with the cart slightly, the wheels squeaking as he tried to think of a way to argue, but he came up empty. There was nothing he could say. The idea of Hollywood was starting to sound fantastic, but there were still too many major downsides for him to give in.

"She'd want you to do it," Carlos insisted, only slightly fearing the reaction it would get from Kendall. They always talked about Sage openly, discussing what would happen when he got her back, but they had never used her as an incentive before.

The three boys watched in apprehension as Kendall appeared to get lost in thought. They could never fully guess what would come from that face of concentration.

They assumed that Kendall may have gotten mad, but he couldn't deny the fact that Sage would think it was a good idea. The couple had always talked about musical dreams, and encouraged their talents. She'd think Kendall was an idiot if he passed up this chance of a lifetime, but he was still hesitant. He couldn't just pick up and leave Minnesota. He couldn't be alone without his brothers after he had just gotten them back. Sage would definitely want him to go. He knew that for a fact, but he also knew what was important; family and brotherhood meant just as much as Sage did. Kendall needed them all, wanting the whole package after a turbulent year, and now he was starting to figure out how to accomplish that.

That's why he was sure that his next brilliant idea would be his best yet.

"So, you guys are saying that you'd do this if you were in my shoes? You'd go?" he smirked, the wheels turning in his head as he looked at Carlos and Logan with a newly reenergized attitude. James watched them nod in confusion, eyeing the blonde cautiously, being able to see the scheme before it even played out.

"Duh! I'm not a complete idiot," Carlos giggled innocently, not knowing what Kendall was up to.

"Yeah, you can't pass something like this up," Logan repeated his point with a nod, also unaware of the plan.

James' mouth opened with a wide smile, almost reading Kendall's mind right before the boy spoke with a cunning tone.

"Okay, then let's give Gustavo Rocque a real challenge, shall we? Raise your hand if you wanna be a part of the world's greatest boy band."

The argumentative music producer had met his match with Kendall Knight. The man was responsible for several successful boy bands in the 90's, but he was abandoning that idea and looking for a solo artist. However, if anyone could change his mind, it would be the intelligent schemer. With Kendall's impending rejection, Gustavo was looking at failure and a ticket to the unemployment line from his boss for not finding the "next big thing". That was a decent enough bargaining chip for the desperate creator to agree to anything, even producing a boy band in 2010. It was irrational and risky, but it would be worth it.

How everything worked out would be up to the boys. It would be tough, but they were always ready for a challenge. They lived life like a unified team, and this was just their next big game.

* * *

James had already said his goodbyes to Christopher after packing his bags for Hollywood. He'd be leaving in a day, but he still needed a few things from his room at Sandra's house. He wanted to give his mother a farewell too, but he was dreading it; knowing that she'd do her best to talk him out of leaving. It's what Sandra always did; made him see the reality of things, and she tended to burst his happily crafted bubble.

"James, please, just think about this…" she pleaded from the doorway, watching him roam around his room for anything he'd miss if he forgot to pack it.

"I did… I thought about it hard, considered my options, and decided to do the thing that wasn't fuckin' stupid… I'm going to L.A…. This is my chance, and I'm taking it," his voice was sarcastic and simple, not looking up at his mother once while he rummaged through the drawers of his nightstand.

"I don't think it's a good idea…" Sandra insisted, crossing her arms with a stern tone and shaking her head even though James couldn't see her.

"It doesn't matter what **_you_** think. Dad says it's a great opportunity, and I'm eighteen now… You really have no choice in the matter," he reminded her crudely, smirking when he realized that he was right. Sandra couldn't stop him this time and it felt good not to beg. He had control.

"I'm your mother," her voice rose, hating the idea that she had to remind him of what that meant. The day she gave birth to him and the way she cared for him for nearly two decades after gave her a natural right to have an opinion, but James always refused to see that if it didn't parallel his own.

"I know," he sounded exhausted by the fact and rolled his eyes after slamming the drawer shut.

"Just listen to me, Honey…" Sandra shifted tactics, comprehending that she'd get nowhere if she stayed on the same strict path. "You should finish high school first. You need a diploma in case- "

"In case what?" James spun around abruptly, the pain on his face trying to hide behind the anger. "In case I fail? In case I suck at life and spend the rest of my days in front of a grill or behind a cash register? Thank you so much for the vote of confidence," he grinned maliciously, bowing dramatically in false gratitude before pacing over to his desk.

"I'm not saying I don't believe in you. I'm trying to tell you that I'm scared… I'm scared for you…" Sandra softened, gnawing at her lip in uneasiness and remaining unresponsive to his outburst.

"There's nothing to be worried about… I need to do this, Mom… Kendall's taking a big chance, and I'm doing it with him and the guys. I won't be alone. I'll be with family," he worked up a small smile at the idea, pausing for a moment as he shifted through a stack of song books.

James had been unbelievably frightened about moving to Hollywood on his own. He was used to having a wonderful support system from his friends, which only strengthened beyond belief when Kendall came back to town. They were all brothers again, having been through so many trials in the last few months, and he had trouble even thinking about leaving that. The alarming thought is what made him decide to stay longer than planned after graduation. He couldn't live without them, and they needed him too.

Most importantly, he was dying to meet Sage.

The girl had altered all of their lives without even knowing them or being around. The effect of her and Kendall's epic love was felt every day without fail. At first, James was resistant to the idea of its existence, but then he could see it; see it in the way Kendall's eyes lit up at her name or in the way her memory could make everything better or worse in a single moment. She was everything to his brother, so, as a result of that bond, she would mean everything to James, Carlos, and Logan too. They counted on her presence almost as much as Kendall did. They needed her to fill the last gap in their group.

"You'll be all the way in California," the sound of his mother wiped the smile off of his face, and he continued to sort through the papers at the desk.

"It's really not that different from how much I see you now," James explained tiredly, glancing over to her. He suddenly felt a little guilty at her hurt expression. "I didn't mean it like that… Sorry…" he mumbled looking back down when he couldn't handle the care she was showing as she waved the comment away dismissively. She was used to his attitude. Sandra accepted her son for who he was.

"It's not just about me seeing you… I'm worried about your future. What happens if things don't end up the way you want them to? You'll be a high school dropout…" she coaxed him slowly, trying to get him to think things through more thoroughly.

"Would it make you feel better if I said that I'm planning to finish school while I'm there?" James brightened, knowing that he'd surprise her.

"You are?" the reaction was immediate, and the disbelief had him smiling as he shrugged and threw a few of the booklets into the small suitcase on the bed.

"It was Logan's idea… The first question he asked Gustavo was if our 'academic needs' would be cared for," he chuckled at his friend's personality, using a slightly mocking tone when he imitated him.

"I always liked him the best," Sandra announced with a grin, standing up straight in the doorway and uncrossing her arms to slip her hands into her back pockets as she watched James continue to sort through his things with a grunt at her words. "What are you expecting to happen out there? What will you do if you guys don't get picked up?"

"I'll go solo… Either way, I'm staying in California. I was gonna go after the summer any way. It's just a little earlier now… It's no biggie," he shrugged again, not paying much attention to her as he started to move clothes around in his closet.

"It's a huge biggie! You're taking a risky step, and I don't think you're considering everything… You're not a kid anymore. You have to act like an adult," Sandra fought not to shout, keeping her tone to a minimum so she wouldn't agitate him and have to see him walk away.

"Dad said you'd use that line. He said that it used to be your favorite for him," James spat viciously, glaring over at her before turning back to the closet.

"He had the same problem you do," she agreed immediately, crossing her arms once again while remaining by the door.

"Stop trying to shove me into the same category as him. I'm not Dad!" he yelled suddenly, catching her off-guard with the plea.

"I thought you idolized Chris?" Sandra furrowed her brow, tilting her head in confusion. She had been absolutely sure that she understood the father and son pair, but maybe she had been missing something.

"I- I do… I did… sometimes… but things are different now. My priorities are different," James informed her, attempting to push away the sudden emotions taking him over with a weak resistance.

"Why?" instead of jumping to conclusions, Sandra only muttered a single syllable. She very rarely gave her son the entire spotlight in their arguments, but she could see that he was doing something different. He was being honest.

"Kendall came back to town, and it just started a lot of changes… I'm still me, just trying to be a better version, I guess… but I'm holding on to my dreams. Now, I get to do it with people that I love… That makes it all worth it… It's worth picking up my life in a few days and leaving because I won't be doing it alone," James' smile came back at the thought of his friends, and he tossed a few of his favorite shirts in the suitcase while silently reminding himself to iron out the wrinkles later.

"I thought you didn't care about that?" Sandra wondered, thinking back to all the times he had yelled about moving away without a care in the world with nothing but his belongings and high hopes.

"I didn't before, but things changed… I'm not going to be alone for the rest of my life just because of my musical goals… I need the guys too… There are things more important than me," he whispered, pausing near the bed. He had seen so much in the last several months, and that affected him. He started to realize that his dreams weren't the biggest part of his life.

"Maybe I shouldn't be so worried about you… You're different… I can see it," Sandra sounded pleasantly surprised, scanning her eyes over him like she could read the alterations with a look. He really amazed her sometimes. James always shut her out when it came to his personal life, but he couldn't hide it all now. The differences were too great.

"Then I should probably try to improve on my acting skills," he grinned slyly, zipping up his bag and sitting at the edge of the bed to finally give her his full attention.

"You're pretty determined, huh?" she smiled fondly, an expression that made him flinch; not having seen it too often. They usually spent all of their time at odds.

"What was your first clue?" he responded immediately, forgetting to drop his attitude for a moment. His mother laughed lightly when he widened his eyes. James smiled sheepishly and softened as he continued. "I don't want to be like Dad, okay? I want to have a good life… I want everything that I can get. I don't want to have these brilliant dreams and then watch them slip through my fingers… I don't want to have a crappy job and hate the world… I don't want to have an ex-wife who despises me for perfectly valid reasons… Everyone thinks that he's my role model, even Dad, but he just showed me what **_not_** to do," James stopped to pat the mattress beside him.

Sandra was hesitant, but walked over, feeling awkward in the room that her son very rarely allowed her in. That's why she had been hovering in the doorway respecting his space. She sat next to him as he continued.

"I learned quite a few things from Dad's mistakes… First, I have to take life seriously. Second, I should take my loved ones seriously because you never know when they could decide that you're not worth the trouble anymore," he paused, taking a breath as he thought about Sandra and Chris. He also remembered the way he almost lost Logan because of his stupid mouth. Luckily, he had been granted leniency, and he'd never forget any of that. He'd always remember the feeling of almost losing his brother because of his own problems. "Third, I have to take my dreams seriously. I gotta live life with an outward smile and a carefree expression… Truthfully, I probably worry more than Logan does, but none of the guys have to know that," James grinned, running a hand through his hair.

Sandra sat there in silence, unsure of what to say. James fascinated her. She thought he was this immature kid, but he was so much wiser than anyone really gave him credit for. He put on a good show of childishness, but that was part of his cover; one that he kept up to stay strong.

"You're gonna be just fine, aren't you?" she asked with a smile.

"That's the plan… and the backup plan… and the backup for the backup plan… See? I got it figured out, Mom," he smirked warmly.

"I'm really proud of you," Sandra announced happily, rubbing his arm a few times as he sat there in shock. She never said that to him before because he had never earned it. This time, James wasn't even trying.

"You are? I- I thought that you'd be d-disappointed because I'm going to L.A., and I'm not staying to- "

"No… None of that matters… **_You_** know what matters… You know a lot more than I ever gave you credit for… I'm sorry," her smile turned into a frown when she realized that she hadn't noticed his changes until now. She wished she could have seen it before, but, even if she tried with all her might, she wouldn't have been able to. James only lets people see what he wants them to.

"Don't be… It's not your fault. You're a really great mom… I was just a tough case," he grinned at her, blinking away a few tears while waving a hand through the air. "Better late than never, right?" he asked with laughter, thinking that it took them way too long to have a conversation like this. He should have been more open from the beginning, but he also wasn't so sure he would have been strong enough for that without taking the lengthy way around.

He pulled Sandra into a hug, squeezing her tightly and memorizing the way she smelled and felt against him; becoming sad at the idea of leaving his mother for one of the first times in many years.

"I'm gonna call you every weekend… I promise…" he whispered, embracing her just a little tighter before letting her go.

"We don't even talk that much now," she looked at him like he was being silly, not really believing what he was saying when his emotions were running high.

"It'll be another thing I'm changing… I think my awesome mom would fall under the category of taking my loved ones seriously," he smiled, getting up after kissing her cheek to fix himself in the mirror. He wiped away any tears that spilled and messed with his hair until it was as close to perfect as he could get it.

"I love you, Jamie," she sighed, standing and moving over to stop beside him.

"Love you too," he smiled brilliantly at her through the mirror, pausing his actions to look right at her. They connected eyes, and then his smile fell into a dramatic look of terror. "I don't have to be serious all the time, right? That'd be kind of exhausting."

Sandra chuckled and rubbed his back.

"No, you're always gonna be a goof… No one, not even you, can change that."

She smiled as he nodded, but she just kept hoping that he wouldn't forget that in Hollywood. He was just starting to get his head on straight, but he could get swept up in the rush and lights that he had always fantasized about. He was already gliding on thin ice, and it could crack any second even if he has the best intentions. Right now, he was skating cautiously.

* * *

"You're sure this is what you want, Carlos? I know you tend to… jump into things headfirst," Eduardo grinned at his son, who was standing at the top of the stairs with a suitcase.

"Dad, I didn't know it before, but I want this more than anything… **_ever_**," Carlos yelled excitedly before shoving the luggage down the steps, watching it tumble into the foyer as his father moved aside.

When Carlos had sprinted home a few days ago screaming about becoming a boy band, Adriana and Eduardo hadn't taken him seriously. They thought it was just another one of his daily escapades that he'd forget about by the next morning, but then he gave them a business card and explained the whole story of Gustavo Rocque. Suddenly, their son's wild antics were taking him to the west coast.

They could have held him back if they wanted to. He was seventeen, and legally their responsibility, but they wished the best for him. Carlos was always a free spirit, but sometimes that translated into a lost soul. He didn't have any major plans for his future, which was a different experience for the Garcia's. Their older daughters all had ambitions for families of their own, but Carlos was unusual. He carved his own path, and they could tell from the eager look in his eyes that this was what he wanted.

It may have sounded insane, being a high school senior on the hockey team one moment and then jetting off to Hollywood for a music career in the next, but, after some thought, it wasn't really out of the box for Carlos. Eduardo and Adriana had grown accustomed to his whims, and tried to indulge them if they weren't harmful. Going to California would give him a job and goals. It could also possibly serve as an entryway into exploring more of his art, which his parents always supported even when he insisted it wasn't a big deal. He was an imaginative kid, and jumping at a chance to be an artist in any way wasn't that large of a stretch. It was difficult to accept that their son was leaving, especially since they were sure that he would have been at home indefinitely while attending community college, but they were happy for him. They just wanted to make sure he was happy too.

"I swear, Dad. This is gonna be one of the coolest experiences in the whole world. It's the chance of a lifetime, **_and _**I get to do it with my best friends! This is way better than anything I could think of," Carlos cheered, tossing a second suitcase down the steps before hopping down them himself.

"Carlos, are you almost done packing?" Adriana called out loudly, walking into the room while drying a cup with an already damp towel. She nearly tripped over the luggage, but Eduardo caught her before she really made a move towards the ground. "I guess that's my answer," she sighed, kicking one of the bags aside while playfully glaring at her son.

"Sorry…" he smiled awkwardly, attempting to move the other bag with his foot without making a show of it, like he could pretend he didn't create a fire hazard. "I bet it's gonna be nice not having anyone messing up the house when I'm gone," he offered optimistically, give the suitcase one final push towards the door.

"No, I'm gonna miss that too," Adriana admitted with a sad grin, pulling Carlos into a hug. "Why do you have to leave so soon? Four days wasn't enough time to say goodbye," she pouted, holding her youngest child tighter and making him cough.

"Adriana, let the boy breathe… We can't go damaging his pipes. He's gonna need those now," Eduardo laughed, tugging Carlos out of his wife's grip and ignoring the fact that their son had hardly ever sung before. Although, that was his way of life; Carlos never required prerequisites before trying anything.

"You better behave yourself out there," Adriana warned him after letting go, poking him lightly in the chest. Kelly Wainwright, Gustavo's assistant, would have temporary guardianship over Carlos and Kendall until they turned eighteen; neither family seeing the need to uproot entirely to stay in California when their sons were so close to adulthood. Kendall only had about a month left, and Carlos would be eighteen in April.

"I know it's going to be exciting, but try not to forget about school. We want you to have your diploma even if you never use it," Eduardo reminded him sternly, only letting himself grin slightly at his smiling son so he would be taken seriously. They always promised to let Carlos find his own path as long as he made it through school.

"Like Logan would ever let me drop out… Everything's going to be fine. I'll be on my best behavior," he giggled, finding his parents' stress amusing. They really didn't have anything to worry about. Carlos may have gotten himself into some sticky situations, but he was a responsible person. There wasn't a bad bone in his body.

"Good, because, if you **_do_** get into any serious trouble, we're putting your ass on a bus right back here," Adriana informed him as she narrowed her eyes dangerously; making both Eduardo and Carlos shiver at the strong woman's expression before she smiled and strolled off to the kitchen.

"I'm kinda worried about your safety. Maybe you should come to L.A. with me," Carlos smirked at his father, punching the man's shoulder in jest before Eduardo pulled him into a hug.

"I'll be fine… You gotta do this on your own, just stay safe, alright?" He kissed the side of his son's head, patting his back firmly before pulling away.

It was a big step for Carlos, but it was also an opportunity for amazing growth. No one knew what Hollywood had in store, and they were all anxiously awaiting the outcome on the edges of their seats. However, Carlos always remained optimistic despite even the most stressful of circumstances. He held the people around him together with his resistance to darkness. He smiled up at his father, being the perfect example of a vibrant light in the world.

"I promise. Everything's gonna be okay… I can feel it."

* * *

Logan would have never thought he'd find himself packing to head off to Los Angeles to be in a band with his best friends, but that was exactly what he was doing four days after Gustavo came to Sherwood looking for the next big music sensation.

Doing this wasn't part of his plan. In fact, it would hinder all of the other ones he had made for his future, but he was alright with that. He kept feeling like something was off, and now he knew what it was. Logan couldn't physically go away to college. He couldn't be away from Kendall, Carlos, and James. Maybe it was unhealthy, but it was an equal relationship. They all wanted to be together. They worked better that way; as a whole unit and standing side by side, not spread out across the country. Medical school could wait. It would always be there if he wanted it. Right now, he was allowed to be a little crazy.

This opportunity to become a band was probably the most insane thing he had ever agreed to since meeting the boys in kindergarten, but, as he threw his clothes into suitcases, he smiled without a care in the world. It may have been nuts, but it was also the best decision ever. He could feel it. Beyond all logic, Logan could tell in his heart that this would lead to good things.

"Whoa, I'm glad that I was here to witness this: My son, Logan Mitchell, is going to Hollywood to be in a boy band… That sounds like some sort of hallucination," Laura laughed lightly, still staring at Logan in disbelief while he stood at the couch in the living room and sorted through his clothes.

"I know. I wasn't really expecting it to happen either, but, you know, I got the chance, and I'm taking it…" he shrugged uncomfortably, not sure of what to say. He could hardly rationalize the behavior to himself, and trying to explain it to his distant mother was a feat all on its own.

"It just doesn't seem like you. I thought you'd be finalizing college plans and taking trips around the country to check out campuses, not hopping on a plane to California to be a singer," Laura grinned, bending forward when her laptop chimed and signaled that she had a message.

"A lot has changed for me in the past several months…" Logan informed her, speaking whether she was actually listening or not.

He almost hated the fact that she was carefree about all of this. She didn't appear to mind at all, just looking amused and nonchalant when he announced his departure after she came home from a trip the day before he was scheduled to leave. Laura had offered to help him pack, but he declined, and she went right to work on her laptop. The only small difference that occurred was that she brought the computer into the living room so she could watch him from the recliner while he tossed his clothes into sorted piles.

"Patrick thought the idea was cool… He said it sounded like an adventure worth taking," Logan grinned at the thought of his father while he folded a t-shirt, enjoying the friendly relationship they had formed through phone conversations in the last month. They spoke nearly every other night.

"You've been talking to him a lot, huh?" Laura bit her lip, tearing her eyes away from her laptop to look at her son's back when he mentioned her ex-husband.

"It's not like my other parent takes an interest," Logan muttered, thinking she wasn't listening as usual. He hadn't lost all of his passive aggressive tendencies; still unable to hold himself back from verbalizing even if it was on deaf ears.

Logan was pushing pairs of socks into the empty gaps of his suitcase and stiffened when he heard Laura's laptop click shut, panicking when he realized that she must have heard him. She was more fascinated by his packing and plans that he had thought, and her eyes were abnormally on him when she spoke.

"I take an interest in you," Laura frowned, trying to defend herself weakly. She placed her computer on the table beside her, and Logan knew he was trapped. She had all of her focus on him like he had always wanted, but now he was wishing that she'd take it back.

"Um, yeah, of course you do… sometimes…"

_"Shut up, Logan! Roll over! Play dead, you idiot!"_

He clenched his teeth and internally berated himself for letting the words past his lips without a filter. He was normally so good at putting on a happy face, but that talent was failing him now.

"I- I don't… You think that I don't care about you?" Laura sounded wounded, but there was a tone to her voice that also made it seem less like a question and more like a realization.

"You could be more… proactive… I guess…" he mumbled nervously, clutching a pair of jeans in his tight fists as he finally turned to look at her and say what he'd always kept inside.

Suddenly, Logan was getting brave. Where that came from, he'd never truly understand, but maybe it was the fact that he was ready to be happy. The idea of going to Hollywood with his brothers relaxed him more than he thought possible. It should have made him want to crawl into a hole out of anxiety, but he found himself freer than ever.

"I never wanted to crowd you… You're a good kid… I trust you," Laura smiled faintly, sitting up and leaning forward in the chair. She was trying to make him believe that she intended the best, which she always did, but the message got lost in the shuffle.

"But that trust leaves me with nothing to lean on… Sometimes, I wish… I wish you'd just yell at me," he sighed in exasperation, finding no words more suitable but knowing that it came out weird.

"I would never…"

Laura thought back to Patrick. She couldn't ever emulate any kind of that behavior even in the simplest forms. She used to have a fire of her own, but that died when her unborn baby did, and it was buried six feet under when Patrick left without a word and never came back.

"I know… I just- Forget I said anything," Logan's voice grew chipper after exhaling and smiling, trying to dodge anymore of the discussion.

"I can't really forget about my only son thinking that I don't love him," Laura insisted with a humorless chuckle, leaning her arms against her knees as she ran a hand through her hair.

"What? No! I never said that! I know you love me, Mom, I just wish you had been around to show it more often… but you're busy, and you work really hard, and I'm proud of you for that…" Logan assured her, dropping the jeans into the suitcase without folding them while he turned to her quickly.

"That's not an excuse… I can't believe that I didn't see this," Laura moaned, shaking her head incredulously. "I thought… I thought I was helping you by backing off. I thought that you could take care of yourself better than I could care for you… You're so strong, and I didn't want to ruin that," she explained sorrowfully, her eyes forming tears when she looked back up at Logan.

"You think I'm strong?" he sounded astonished by the idea, never having heard anything like that from her.

"Yes, you've made it through so much, and you're still such a good young man… A lot of others in your situation would have ended up in a bad place. But you? You're admirable… You're my role model," Laura smiled softly, picking at her nails as she folded a leg beneath her body.

"Are you nuts?" Logan laughed shortly, widening his eyes at his mother.

"No, and I know it's all messed up, and it's not how things should be, but I was different after your father fell into his addiction… So much happened in so little time, and I cracked… I couldn't cope like I should have been able to, so I just crossed my fingers and waited it out until it was too late to see how stupid I was being…" Laura paused, staring at the ground before looking up at her son. "Patrick's hands made me miscarry, but I shouldn't have let him be around me a lot sooner than that… I put myself in danger. I risked **_you_** for my own selfish needs…"

She had a perfect life, the perfect love, and the perfect family. Laura was so satisfied, and then it was all trashed. The rug was ripped out from beneath her feet when the man she relied on changed so drastically. Patrick was the person who vowed to protect and care for her, but he was the one who destroyed everything too.

"I just thought that I should take a step back before I wrecked you too," she whispered meekly, taking in a deep and shaky breath. Logan knitted his brow, studying her like it was the first time he ever saw his mother.

"You could never hurt me, Mom… It's not in you…" he smiled gently, walking towards her and laying a hand on the fragile woman's shoulder.

"I didn't- I don't really trust myself to make the right decisions for you…. Take Patrick for instance… When he called on your birthday and talked about seeing you, I wanted to curse him out and damn him to hell, but I shut my mouth, and now look at you two. You guys are friends, and you're **_happier_**… He's good for you, and I almost stopped you from having that."

"But you didn't… You making that choice to back away is what helped me. Having to do it on my own is what made it good. It's what made me walk in there strong," Logan kept his smile, nodding for more reassurance when she stared up at him with disbelief in her eyes.

He didn't say it, but her choices, and her lack of them, had also helped with the guys and his issues with them. Logan could stand up for himself now. He could have some control over his own life.

"So, you're saying that I helped you now, but let you down all the times before when I **_thought _**that I was helping you?" she inquired, sulking when she already knew the answer.

"Yes…?" Logan grimaced, not sure if it was the right response. "I think we both royally messed up this parent/child thing," he declared in frustration and defeat.

"It's my fault, okay?" Laura gave him a small grin, watching him stroll over to the couch and fall down heavily onto it. She stood to walk over and place herself beside him after moving a suitcase to the floor.

"I'm only agreeing to that if you let me take some of the blame," Logan's head rolled over to face her after she settled on his left. This wasn't all on her shoulders. He should have said something a lot sooner. She couldn't read his mind, and he had been putting on an excellent show for years.

"We should start over," Laura announced suddenly, sitting up straight and swinging her legs around to look at him.

"Okay…" he was confused but waited anxiously to see where she was headed.

"How should we do this? Do you want me to forbid you from going to L.A.?" she asked excitedly, seeming to think she was onto something that resembled being a mom.

"Not really," Logan laughed, thinking she had gone a little crazy. "I think we're kind of past the parenting thing with me being eighteen and all," he reminded her apologetically.

"So, I fucked up my chances?" she frowned heavily, slumping her shoulders like a child.

Logan couldn't help but chuckle at her confusion and behavior. He felt more relaxed than he ever had around her. There wasn't a file or electronic device in sight. It was just him and his mother for once.

"No, we just sort of glazed over that step… Let's just go to the next one," he offered cheerfully.

"You're gonna have to tell me what that is," Laura smiled sheepishly, tucking her dark hair behind her ear.

Logan found that his mother was actually pretty funny, and he loved talking to her. She was somewhat hopelessly lost, yet logical like him.

"How about we just take an interest in each other? Show that we care? We should talk more…" Logan explained calmly, sounding happy at the idea. Laura smiled, agreeing with a strong nod.

"How about every Monday at 9pm California time, no matter where we are in the world, we'll talk on the phone and catch up?" she proposed smartly, appearing to already be thinking about clearing her schedule for the following Monday evening.

The fact that she was a planner, even in emotional circumstances, made Logan smile. They had more similarities than they had even noticed, and it made him warm and content. It was a good feeling after always being so tense around Laura.

"That's perfect," Logan agreed immediately. "If you're ever in L.A., you should visit."

Laura nodded enthusiastically.

"And, if you need a lawyer to deal with any bastards in Hollywood, you know who to call," she smirked, and they both laughed. Logan jumped forward and pulled her into a tight hug.

"Love you, Mommy," he whispered sweetly, sounding like he was seven years old again. It made Laura sniffle and blink back tears with a small smile.

"Love you too, Sweetie."

Logan moving away was surprisingly the best way to get Laura closer to him. They were both on the same page now. Even though his childhood was rough, his friends got him through it, and now he can't argue with the results no matter how turbulent the path was. He was a little more confident and self-reliant, but he also had a whole network to rely on whenever he felt down.

Now that he was on good terms with his family in Minnesota, he could comfortably start his own in California with his brothers. They'll be by themselves out there, but there would be people who loved them in Sherwood if they ever got overwhelmed.

* * *

"I can't believe that my baby is already moving out," Karen struggled not to cry for the seventh time, and Kendall tried not to roll his eyes for the sixth.

It had been a pattern with them the whole day. He'd move a full suitcase to the door, and then his mother would start to wave her hands in front of her stinging eyes like she was going to stop breathing if Kendall didn't rush up to hug her. However, secretly, he memorized each and every one of the embraces. He'd miss seeing her every day. They had always been together his whole life. They made it through Kevin's death and stayed strong through so many stressful moves across Minnesota and North Dakota. Now, Kendall was making a move of his own.

"Mom, calm down. They invented the telephone for a reason… I'll even have Katie show you how to use the webcam," he smiled, rubbing his mother's back before forcing himself away. She nodded sadly, keeping a brave face while she wiped a tear away. "David, come save me from your girlfriend!" Kendall yelled up the stairs, laughing when Karen tried to slap the back of his head.

David Morgan was helping Kendall prepare for his trip, and he spent a lot of his time at the house lately. He was officially introduced to the family after Logan and Patrick had made Kendall open his eyes. He was being stubborn when Karen needed his support, which he was offering as much as he could now.

"She's **_your_** mother. I think that trumps a few dates… You handle her," David smirked as he strolled down the steps, teasing Karen with a pitiful frown before leaning in to kiss her quickly.

Kendall may have started to accept David, actually finding himself getting along with the humorous man, but he still had an adversity with displays of affection between the older couple. However, he covertly smiled every time they stole a kiss. It let him know how much they cared for each other. He could trust David with his mother, and that was more important than ever right now because he was leaving her and Katie behind.

"Kendall, put your bags in the car. We gotta be at the airport in an hour," Karen called out, disappearing into the kitchen when the phone rang.

"Her mood swings are pretty crazy," David chuckled, seeing how fast her tears disappeared and her mom-mode kicked it with an authoritative tone.

"You get used to them," Kendall assured him with a laugh, picking up a suitcase and flinging the door open with David behind him holding another bag. They rushed to the car, not bothering to put on jackets despite the chilly weather, and then slipped back inside.

"The office just called. They need me to come in to file some paperwork that has to be rushed out," Karen reentered the room with a depressed look. She was supposed to see Kendall off before he got on his flight.

"Don't worry, Kare, I'll go do it… I told you there'd be perks from being coworkers," he smiled, getting a quick embrace of thanks while Kendall watched them fondly. He stepped into the living room, where he had a smaller duffel bag that he'd keep with him at all times.

Karen hurried off to the kitchen to call the office back and tell them that David would be coming in, while the helpful brunette started to shrug into his jacket.

"Katie, I'm heading off to work for a little while. I'll pick up dinner for you and your mom on the way home. What do you want?" he shouted up the stairs, wiggling his hands into his gloves as he waited for an answer from the girl, who was sitting in her room.

"Friday is ice cream night!" she yelled back, making Kendall bite his lip to stop from laughing.

"O-Okay…" David spoke loud enough for her to hear, getting a giggle that drifted down the stairs. "Wait, is she lying to me again?" he asked Kendall, walking over to stand near him in the living room. Katie had been giving the man mischievous trouble since he started spending most days at the Knight house. She found it fun to mess with him because he had no idea what he was getting himself into, and David was too innocent for his own good.

"You're getting better already… That's impressive," Kendall smirked, unzipping his bag to check the contents for the hundredth time. He could still remember when David did absolutely everything Katie told him to, but that had worn off pretty quickly when Karen caught wind of the manipulation.

"What the hell am I supposed to do without you around to tell me if I'm being duped?" David whined, sighing as he buttoned the top of his jacket.

He and Kendall had become friends rather quickly, their personalities meshing nicely as long as the blonde was in a good mood. In fact, right from the start, Kendall had wished the man was more of a douche bag. It would have been a lot easier to pretend to hate him and keep up the opposition, but David gave him nothing to worry about. He was a genuinely good person, and those were rare lately, so Kendall wouldn't tell his mom to pass anyone like that up.

"Don't worry, she's just putting you through an initiation," he assured his mother's boyfriend with a shake of his head.

"Am I doing alright?" David wondered nervously, widening his eyes when he thought about handling Katie by himself.

"Yeah, just bring home pepperoni pizza and chocolate ice cream for **_later_**, and you'll pass with flying colors," Kendall chuckled, digging around his bag.

He loved that his sister was testing the new man in their lives. He needed to be carefully monitored after what they had experienced with Elliot, and Katie's attitude made him feel a little more comfortable about leaving her alone. She may have been newly twelve, but she acted mature beyond her years. She was probably more cunning than Kendall.

"Thanks for the help, Kendall… Have a good flight, and good luck with everything in Hollywood. Don't do anything too crazy. Karen's already told me that she is fully prepared to fly out there if anything goes wrong," David warned him cleverly.

"I'll keep that in mind…. Take care of them, okay?" Kendall asked cautiously.

"I promise. Everything will be fine here," David nodded, squeezing the boy's shoulder with a smile before heading out the door.

Kendall felt bad about leaving the two girls in his life after he already misplaced the third, but that was one of his biggest incentives for doing this.

Becoming famous would make it possible for Sage to find him in a heartbeat once she was let out of foster care at the end of May. It was such a longshot, but it was worth it because of everything he got as a result. Kendall got to hold onto his brothers for longer than he thought he'd be able to, and he got a chance to explore his love for music. Sage would have wanted him to go for it if she were there. When they all stood in the parking lot of Sherwood Market, he could practically hear her voice along with the gears turning in his head. She would have told him to take a risk and be abnormal.

What's more abnormal than taking just two minutes to decide to move to Hollywood and become a boy band with his best friends?

Sage would love it.

He hoped that doing all of this would lead to setting up a new and pleasant life for himself, Sage, and his brothers once they could all be together. Being in California as a group of five was a dream he had never had, but now he held onto it so tightly that his fingers ached.

Kendall took an envelope out of his bag and slipped his thumb inside of the tucked fold, where the cherished necklace and photo of Sage were safely placed. He usually kept them in this pocket, but he had put the items in a bag for the flight.

"You're not gone yet? I was already scoping out your room so I could turn it into an office for when I start taking over the world," Katie grinned from the doorway, making Kendall jump at the sudden sound.

"Don't touch my stuff, Kid. I might be coming back," he teased her, trying to ruffle her hair when she moved by him only to be shoved away with a laugh.

"You're not coming back. You're gonna stay there and be famous. Trust me, I know these things," she sighed and plopped down onto the couch, but she didn't bother turning on the television.

"Yeah, you do, baby sister… I don't know how, but you do," he relented, running his thumb over the silver pendant one more time before stuffing it back into a secure place in the bag; zipping it shut tightly and sitting beside Katie. "You're going to be okay, right? I mean, we've never been separated, and I don't- "

"Kendall, stop worrying. You're gonna give yourself wrinkles. Just go and have fun. I'm good here… Mom's good here. I've got friends at school, and David makes Mom happy… We finally have a life and a permanent home… So, go get your own," she nudged his shoulder playfully.

"I'm gonna miss you like you wouldn't believe," he sighed, leaning in to kiss the top of her head.

"Don't get all mushy with me," Katie groaned, trying to stay calm even though her big brother was moving away.

"He's allowed to get mushy… We all are," Karen reappeared from the kitchen, walking over to sit on the coffee table in front of her children. "I know we've always been together, but this is good for you, Kendall. You're music is good for you," she smiled, happy to see him go back to singing after avoiding it for so long. It was the only step of the healing process he dodged. It was the only thing he kept locked inside, and now he was going to start letting it out.

"Do you think… Do you think Sage will find me there?" Kendall asked quietly, settling farther back into the couch when the familiar ache started to creep up his spine.

He had tried to get used to it, but his body would still physically hurt when he thought about his distance from Sage. It was like he couldn't fully function without her. He was doing extremely well, but he'd never be perfect unless she was beside him.

"Of course she will. She's as stubborn as you are… She'll make her way back no matter what," Karen assured him, becoming emotional when she thought about the girl she considered a daughter. All of the Knights had missed her since leaving North Dakota. She was a part of their family, and it was never easy to lose someone like that. They just kept hoping that they'd get her back.

"And me and Mom will be here if she finds us first. We'll be a family again soon, even if you're in California. We've been through worse than a little distance problem," Katie softened, smiling at her worried brother until she got an equal gesture in return.

It was true. They had been through so many trials. They've been hurt, experienced loss in multiple ways, and then built themselves back up despite it all. The Knight family was a strong clan, always overcoming the obstacles shoved in their way. Kendall had made it through his childhood. He'd be eighteen very soon, and he would then officially enter the newest phase of his life. As an adult, he'd be gearing up to start a family of his own choosing.

The last time Kendall had left Sherwood at the age of ten, he had to leave his friends behind. This time, he was going to take his brothers with him. They were starting a whole new journey together, one that all of them hoped would lead to Sage; the only missing piece.

* * *

**A/N: Next chapter… We'll check on Sage… We're getting close to what I like to call the finale of "season two" and the premiere of "season three" of PTS… Let's see how it all plays out ;D**

*******IMPORTANT: If you haven't already, please check out my new story "For the Lovers of Kage"- a series of one-shots featuring Kendall/Sage (I got lots of fun stuff planned ;) If you have ideas, please review and tell me :)**

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I LOVE new people :D Say hi. I don't bite ;) **


	29. Big Time Hope

**A/N: A big chapter this week! (important too ;D)  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**Suggestion: ****Go read**_ Surfergal23_**'s fantastic story Hooked. It's a Kendall/OC and so angst galore :D  
**

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 29: BIG TIME HOPE_

* * *

"You dogs are exhausting! Why can't you do just _**one **_thing right?" Gustavo yelled, his volume threatening to burst the windows of the recording studio at Rocque Records as the four boys cringed simultaneously; turning their bodies away from the loud producer when he used his favorite nickname on them.

The dramatic man had taken to calling them "dogs" ever since they started their musical training camp after first moving to L.A. and he had settled into the role of "master". He wasn't the very best person to work for or with. It was intense, and it seemed like the teenagers weren't going to be able to make it as a group. Yes, James and Kendall could sing extremely well, but Logan and Carlos lacked in that department, and they all had issues with choreographed dancing. It was much harder than any of them had expected to prepare so quickly. They only had mere days to impress Gustavo's boss, Arthur Griffin, enough to let them stay and record demos in hopes of getting picked up for a whole album later on.

Despite any struggles, they succeeded like they always did. After arguing a bit with Gustavo, who was stuck in the 90's, the boy's settled on a band name that suited them.

From now on, they'd be known as Big Time Rush.

It was the perfect moniker for the four hockey-loving brothers from Minnesota. It exemplified all of their goals; taking risks and reaching for the sky together. They did everything with big time energy and big time passion. Learning how to sing and dance as a single unit was challenging, but it was fun, and they'd be able to handle it. If the whirlwind of the last few weeks had taught them anything, it was that they were better as a team; a family.

"I don't even remember why he's yelling this time…" Logan commented thoughtfully as the band sat on the back of a couch in the lounge area of Rocque Records, leaning in with perfect unison to peer past the doorway at Gustavo in the control room.

The portly, expensive tracksuit-wearing man was pitching a fit while fiddling with a few of the buttons on the panel in front of him and listening to their most recent recording through a pair of headphones. The boys were pretty sure that they were improving, but their producer wasn't seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It wasn't really his forte. He preferred to freak out now and ask questions later… or never ask questions at all. He expected full control, but the four boys never gave it all to him. They refused to be "pop machines". They wanted to have an input in their music, and that frazzled Gustavo, who was used to getting his way. He was arrogant on the surface, but there was more underneath that they were starting to discover.

"I think Carlos missed his cue… for the third time… and then I sang in the wrong key because he was distracting me… By the way, what the hell were you doing in there?" James only looked frustrated for a second, growing curious and amused when he turned to his helmet-sporting friend with a grin.

"I thought I saw a mouse! If I caught it, then we'd have a family pet!" he explained excitedly, shrugging with a smile when James rolled his eyes.

"Don't invest in any pets yet, Carlitos. We might not be here that long. Gustavo seems pretty peeved right now… He's always so angry. It probably does wonders for his blood pressure," Logan chimed in sarcastically, watching their boss kick the chair beside him while his assistant, the sweet and sane Kelly Wainwright, tried to calm him down and text on her phone at the same time to organize a meeting for the next day. She didn't appear too invested in making Gustavo ease up, having seen many of his tantrums before. Like a child, he usually tired himself out.

"He's not really angry. He's just… intensely loud," Kendall offered optimistically, twisting in his spot on the back of the couch so that he gracefully fell to rest in a proper sitting position on the furniture. Logan raised an eyebrow skeptically, crossing his arms and leaning back slightly as he glanced back at Gustavo, who was now ripping up a bunch of papers theatrically; most likely destroying the song they had been running through.

"Logie, he's all talk… He's like an annoyed kitten; all soft on the outside, but he also really likes to growl and scratch things…" Carlos had been giving an overly bright explanation, but he suddenly had to dodge a flying pair of headphones by falling backwards and landing next to Kendall on the couch, "… and throw things," his smile turned to a sheepish one, when Logan shifted his look of disbelief onto him.

"So, rather than the term 'angry', let's go with 'rabid'," the clever boy declared frightfully, staring into the studio with wide eyes when Gustavo started to throw the bits of paper all around the room.

"I'm siding with Logan on this," James professed with a groan, running a hand through his hair before realizing that he was actually touching the carefully groomed locks. He yelped and ripped his hand away. "That man is stressing me out! That's not good for my sanity or my skin…" he whined pitifully, kicking the back of the sofa with a pout. He was tired of being scrutinized, and Gustavo always seemed to be hitting him the hardest with his words. The boy's enthusiasm often irritated the easily aggravated man.

"Stress can make your hair fall out," Logan agreed in a factual tone, causing another screech to fly past James' lips.

"Fix it!" he shouted, shoving Kendall lightly in the direction of the tantrum being held.

"We are really tired, Kendall. We've been here all day! Can you see if we can go home or take a nap, please?" Carlos yawned, begging their leader with puppy dog eyes and taking a softer approach than James.

"Fine," Kendall sighed, giving each of his friends a smile before cautiously walking towards the control room. Logan, James, and Carlos scurried after him; all of them attempting to hide behind the blonde at the same time while peeking out occasionally. "Hey, Gustavo," he called out cheerfully, putting on a happy face despite the irate producer's scowl.

The burly man didn't intimidate him. He never did. Kendall was the one to stand up to him right from the beginning, and he wouldn't back down unless it was necessary. Gustavo put on a good show of violence and anger, but it was all histrionics. He just had trouble admitting when he was wrong and handing out praise. He ruled with a strong hand, but he meant well. It was easy to see it in the way he'd eventually relent and from the fact that the boys were still in Hollywood. If Gustavo didn't see any hope or talent in them, then he wouldn't have kept them around. He needed Big Time Rush to get him back to the top of his career, and the guys needed him to get started. It was a mutual relationship, no matter what the producer arrogantly preached daily.

"What? Are you gonna stroll back in here and destroy my eardrums some more?" Gustavo threw his hands in the air, falling back into his chair in a huff. Kelly smiled nervously at the boys when they appeared in the doorway, ignoring her phone in favor of handing her boss two tablets of aspirin and a bottle of water.

"Actually, we were wondering if, maybe, we could get a break? We've been working really hard the whole day, and Carlos is about to crash. I don't think- "

Gustavo cut Kendall off by holding up a palm in his direction, wiping the glare from his features and donning a look of false sympathy.

"You want a break?" he smirked, rising out of his chair after taking the pills and shooing Kelly to the side.

All four band members nodded their heads slowly, fearing the man's reaction, and Kelly could practically see what was coming next from a mile away. The dark-skinned woman bit her glossed lip and took an extra step away from her boss as she gripped her clipboard tightly against her chest.

"I'll give you dogs a break! You know what? Why don't I just send you home for the night?" Gustavo asked gleefully, clapping his hands together.

"Really?" Carlos wondered happily, grabbing onto Kendall's shoulder and stepping out fully from behind the boy.

"Oh, sure, and since the fearless Kendall spoke up for you all now, maybe he should be the one to speak up at _**5 A.M.**_ tomorrow morning so you can get here by six for three hours of harmonies!" Gustavo's tone shifted faster than they expected, still getting used to the somewhat bipolar man, and caused them all to jump at the noise before they frowned and realized what he said. "Have a great night!" he added enthusiastically, storming past them and into his office.

"Just get here by eight, guys. Gustavo doesn't even wake up until seven anyway. I'm sure everything will be better in the morning, or, at least, we'll just start from the beginning." Kelly smiled optimistically, knowing that her boss wasn't going to be cured by sunrise but also wanting to reassure the teenagers in front of her.

They needed someone to give them a good attitude every once in a while. Plus, she was technically the temporary guardian of Kendall and Carlos for about another month, and she'd feel bad for letting them get verbally trampled.

"Thanks, Kelly!" the boys ran off with excited waves, finding new energy now that they were being released from their torment.

"I think that went well," Carlos spoke happily, climbing into the limo behind the other boys.

"It was one of our better days… He didn't even try to fire any of us this time!" Logan agreed brightly, glad to be out of the building and in the fresh air; feeling it flow through the windows and the sunroof above them.

They had been riding in the limo since their first day in California, and they were more than excited for the celebrity treatment, but they learned pretty quickly that it was more out of convenience than anything. They needed transportation to and from Rocque Records daily, and a limo was the company's best option until Kendall and Logan were able to have their cars shipped from Minnesota. It was going to take at least another week, but none of the boys were complaining.

It wasn't a long ride to the Palm Woods, the home for the "future famous."

The large property was an apartment complex that housed much of Hollywood's young and upcoming talent. That meant it was the boys' new home. It was lavish for the most part, especially from the outside, with a fantastic pool where all of the actors, models, and musicians hung out. There were also full gym facilities, which made James happy. A vending machine and smoothie stand filled the lobby and the poolside, which excited Carlos to no end. It had its own school system that worked around their diverse schedules, which had Logan pleased with the idea of being on track for graduation even if it meant they would be a little behind their classmates in Minnesota. The Palm Woods also gave them all a chance to live together, which was everything to Kendall.

The boys stepped into the lobby, walking in a straight line through the spacious double doors and waving to a few new friendly faces. The youthful, fun antics that always seemed to follow the foursome had given them instant attention with the kids in their new home, making them quite popular with the crowd, but what really got everyone's attention was their refusal to let Hollywood get to them. They came in as best friends, and they remained that way no matter what.

However, the rambunctious crew wasn't loved by everyone. One of the few exceptions was Mr. Bitters, the hotel's manager with a name to match his attitude. He was greedy and wore an almost constant scowl that always made its way onto his face without fail when the "hockey-heads" moved through his lobby. He watched them from behind his desk, peering over his glasses while polishing his nameplate as they sauntered by with friendly waves and smiles; only giving them a grunt in acknowledgement and almost seeming disappointed that they weren't doing anything he could yell at them for.

"Logan, what are you doing?" James laughed, watching the smaller boy slow his pace down so that he fell behind his three friends.

"I'm worried about running into Camille… I don't want any _**incidents**_ like this morning…" he whispered lowly, his eyes darting around the nearly vacant lobby in search of the brunette girl.

Camille Wyatt was the Palm Woods' resident method actress. Her personality was bubbly and warm in general, but it swung so fast depending on what role she was auditioning for. She put everything into her character; ranging from the jilted lover to the wicked teenage witch casting spells on her undeserving peers. The unfortunate part, according to Logan, was that she took an interest in the shy boy almost as soon as they arrived in Hollywood and settled in a few weeks ago. She didn't let go or give up when she was passionate about something, and that meant continually pursuing Logan every chance she got with a fervor that would put the flirty James to shame.

"I'm pretty sure that her kissing you is not an 'incident'," the lady-lover chuckled but didn't blow Logan's cover even though they didn't see the actress around. "She's cool, pretty, and she likes you. I'm not seeing a problem here," James insisted with a confused grin.

"The problem is that she sneak-attacked me with her lips! She never even asked if I had a girlfriend," Logan exclaimed anxiously, still ducking behind his laughing friends.

"You don't have a girlfriend," Kendall reminded him, secretly liking the pairing of his friend with Camille. She was just the right amount of crazy to get him out of his shell.

"You're totally missing the point," Logan whined, shoving the blonde lightly with a grunt.

"I got your back, Logan. I'll hide you whenever- Oh, look, the Jennifers!" Carlos lost his train of thought, spotting a trio of pretty girls sitting in their usual chairs by the pool through the open doors of the lobby; making Logan grab the hem of his shirt to keep him from running in case Camille suddenly popped up like she tended to do.

The Jennifers were three girls with the same name that could all sing, dance, and act. They were talented, but also very stuck-up. There was a blonde leader, and two brunette sidekicks; one with long hair and tan skin, while the other was darker with curly hair. James, Carlos, and Logan had taken an interest in them on day one, but they were immediately turned down because of their lack of fame. The girls only stuck by each other, and even then they fought amongst themselves. So far, the guys hadn't seen anyone meet their impossibly high standards, but that didn't stop the loveable Carlos from trying daily only to be met with raised hands and turned-up noses.

"Yay, the elevator! Getting through the lobby is always a production with you three," Kendall complained playfully, smashing the button until the doors opened. They all piled in and rode up to the second floor, walking the few yards to their place.

Apartment 2J was every teen's dream, but it hadn't started out that way. At first, the apartment was ugly and dirty with stains that no one wanted to name, but then their boss, Arthur Griffin, was looking to please the lead investor of his company with a promotional add for their new line of products ranging from fun electronic toys to playground equipment. The boys had wanted the planned film set for themselves, thinking it would make an awesome place to live, and, after some scheming on their part, they had it built in their own apartment. The remodel was fantastic, and they even got to keep it because of Gustavo, who showed a rare act of kindness in giving them a "treat" for being "good dogs". That was one of the first times the boys were sure he had a soft spot for them.

"What's for dinner?" Carlos asked loudly, running straight across the apartment and jumping through the air to land on their large orange couch.

"Whatever's leftover from yesterday," Kendall answered first, swinging the door shut behind them while watching James follow Carlos, who just shrugged happily at the idea of food.

"We should probably start eating something healthier than fast or frozen food… It's been a few weeks. Maybe we could try cooking an actual meal," Logan suggested, sounding positively parental as he fought not to smirk at the immediately groaning boys on the couch. Kendall stepped into the open kitchen area after Logan.

"That's a good idea, Logie… I'll call my mom for tips, and we'll work something out tomorrow night," the blonde announced in an overly cheerful tone, making Logan turn towards him with suspicion.

"Okay…" he said, expecting opposition from Kendall too but receiving nothing other than approval. He shook away the feeling and opened the fridge. "So, for tonight, it's dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets and tater tots."

Logan took the food out of the fridge and tossed it all onto a tray, shoving it into the oven while Kendall grabbed four sodas; tossing two of them to James and Carlos in the sitting area while remaining behind the counter with Logan in the kitchen.

This had been a new routine of theirs since living on their own. They had to learn how to fend for themselves. It wasn't as hard because they were a group, but it was definitely different without parents, especially for Carlos and Kendall, who both relied on theirs for care. James never had a problem supporting himself, and Logan was forced into it because of Laura's job. Despite the changes, they handled it well, but they were still adjusting to life outside of Minnesota and a new career that all happened extremely fast. The only thing they could do was take it in stride.

Logan hummed a tune they had been working on for hours in the studio as he began organizing a few things on the counter while he waited for the food to be heated. He actually enjoyed being a domestic. It was something he had done in Sherwood when Laura was busy with work, and doing it now made him feel a little calmer about his new surroundings. It was a small sense of normalcy. Los Angeles was so different from anything he had ever experienced, but he was managing it well because he was experiencing it with his best friends.

He sighed, seeing a pile of dishes in the sink; thinking that it was only going to get bigger after dinner if he didn't take care of some of them now. He reached for a bowl they had eaten popcorn out of the night before, but it was suddenly ripped from his hands.

"I got that, Logan…" Kendall was by the boy's side, appearing like Camille or a magician; with quiet steps and a brilliant smile. He swung open the dishwasher and put the bowl in, reaching for another dish when he was done. He had been watching Logan the whole time he worked nonchalantly, just waiting for an opportunity to take the job off of his hands.

"Why are you being all helpful?" Logan wondered skeptically, stepping back to let Kendall through to pick up a glass from the sink and put it in the top rack of the dishwasher. He walked backward until his butt met the counter, hopping up onto it to survey his odd friend. Kendall was always helpful and hardworking, but something about this was different.

"Because I can… I'm not Carlos. I can handle the dishes without breaking them," he chuckled, ignoring the way he was sure Logan was looking at him with quick and nervous movements as he kept his focus on the sink.

"Hey!" Carlos yelled from the couch, sounding wounded at the comment he overheard and earning a laugh from James beside him before both boys forgot about it altogether and brought their attention back to the wrestling match occurring on the flat screen TV.

"I know," Logan continued, disregarding Carlos' shout, "but why do you _**want**_ to?"

"Stop asking weird questions," Kendall rolled his eyes as if he thought Logan was the one losing his mind, loading the last cup into the dishwasher and kicking it shut.

"Stop doing weird things," the brunette countered easily, smirking when he saw Kendall grit his teeth and give up the dodging. "What's the problem?"

"I want you to be happy here… You came just because I wanted you to, right?" Kendall sounded embarrassed and shameful, not very proud of his leadership qualities at the moment.

He was sure that he had caused his friend to drop his plans and come out to L.A. just by suggesting the idea. Logan always went along with what he came up with as long as James and Carlos were on board too, but Kendall didn't want that to happen in this situation. He loved having all of his best friends around, but he wouldn't like it if one of them wasn't happy.

"Don't flatter yourself, Kendall. I'm here because I chose to be here," Logan's face scrunched up in confusion, not understanding the boy's thought process. He knew why he came to Hollywood, but he hadn't realized that he may have neglected to explain it to the others.

"You swear? 'Cause everything happened really fast, and you're supposed to be in pre-med or some shit, not a fourth of a boy band in- "

Logan grabbed his shoulders, cutting Kendall's rant off and leaving the boy panting from the effort and stress that had been building. He could see Carlos and James enjoying themselves, but Logan was harder to read in a new setting. He could put on a pretty brave face if he needed to.

"Wow, you've been thinking more than I usually do, haven't you?" the boy laughed at his worried friend, who could see how calm Logan was; making him calm himself down instantly.

"Yeah, and how are you not asleep all the time? My head is killing me," Kendall groaned, rubbing his temple and taking a deep breath. He had been holding in this particular fear for several days, fretting about Logan's goals and career that he may have had a hand in ruining.

"Stop stressing out about me… There's plenty more you have to deal with."

His eyes said "Sage", but Logan's mouth didn't say anymore because he knew Kendall got the message when he gave him a small smile and a nod of acknowledgment.

"I promise that I'm here under my own free will… This is where I want to be… College and medical school used to be my dream, but I figured out that it's not what I need right now. I need you guys," Logan added for reassurance, patting Kendall's shoulder twice so that he knew he was serious. "Sure, California is nerve-wracking, but I think we're doing really well… We're working, not getting into trouble… I'd call that success," he grinned, getting a satisfying laugh from Kendall, who was at ease the second he could see the sincerity in Logan's eyes.

"Uh, guys? This whole mushy discussion is really touching, but me and Carlos are starving over here!" James shouted from the couch, pointing to the Latino beside him, who was rubbing his stomach with a pout. The timer on the oven rang, making them both jump off of the couch and sprint to the table like children; shoving each other the whole way while trying not to spill the soda in their hands.

"It's like he can tell the future… We should buy lottery tickets," Logan joked, gesturing for Kendall to grab the napkins and plates while he took the food out of the oven.

"We're not gonna need to win the lottery. We'll be rich when we become famous," James declared, doing a small dance in his seat while Kendall put a plate in front of him and Logan placed the tray at the center of the table before taking a seat beside his helpful friend.

"We should have a band meeting," Kendall announced, sipping his soda and avoiding going in for any food until Carlos and James were done digging into it; not willing to risk a limb.

"Now? I'm eating," Carlos whined through bits of chicken.

"Yet you're still talking," Logan smirked, watching the hungry boy relent with a shrug and gesture for them to continue.

"It's not a test, Carlos. I just want to check in and make sure everyone is doing okay so I don't embarrass myself with another rant like I just did with Logan," Kendall rolled his eyes at his own worry, finally gathering a handful of tater tots for himself.

"But that was funny… I really wouldn't mind seeing it again. It's kinda awesome when _**you're **_the one that loses his cool," James spoke in a slightly smug tone, glancing up at a glaring Kendall and swiftly dodging the foot he knew was coming towards his leg under the table.

"Kendall's right… We gotta keep each other sane because there's no one else here for us to rely on. We're on our own now," Logan added happily, biting into a piece of chicken with a stern gaze directed at the rambunctious duo across the table, who both nodded.

"It's like we're officially a family," Carlos stated with excitement.

"And a band… That's just fuckin' mind-blowing," James shook his head with an airy smile, still in disbelief about where he was. "I thought I'd be here in a few months alone. Without you guys, I'd be living in some shithole and struggling for jobs. I wouldn't have anything…" he trailed off sadly, thinking of all the terrible possibilities he had resigned to experiencing years ago when he was dead set on moving after finishing high school to pursue his dreams.

"But look at you now, Jamie!" Carlos took over enthusiastically, seeing his friend's mind drift and wanting to bring him back to the happiness that was their current circumstances. "We've got an awesome apartment, an awesome job, and a freakin' swirly slide in the living room!" he pointed to it as he spoke. It was large and yellow, extending up to the second floor where his and Logan's bedroom was. It was one of his favorite things that they got out of the "treat" from Gustavo.

The boys laughed at his exhilaration, which never died no matter how many times he traveled on the playground equipment.

"So, I'm guessing that you're fine, Carlos?" Kendall chuckled, almost sure that he didn't even have to ask. Carlos was always up for anything, and being a band in L.A. was no exception.

"I'm good… I miss my parents, but it's not so bad here. I always stayed at one of your houses most of the time anyway. I'm like a…. a…" he looked to Logan for the right word.

"Nomad?"

Carlos snapped his fingers before picking up another tater tot and popping it into his mouth.

"An epic nomad! No walls keep me in… Nothing scares me," he deepened his voice, taking on an announcer-like quality while his imagination roamed. He'd definitely be sketching comic book characters later.

"Except the dark," Kendall chimed in, taking a lighthearted jab at the boy across from him.

"That's only sometimes! Tell him, Logan…" Carlos complained, grumbling and frowning as he looked for assistance from his roommate.

"It's true," Logan immediately nodded, thinking that he and his new roomie had to stick together, which meant keeping little secrets about snoring or nightlights.

He and Logan shared the bedroom on the upper floor, while James and Kendall each had their own rooms connected to the main living area. James needed his own space for his abundant wardrobe and hairstyling products, and none of the boys really wanted to test their limits and see what rooming with the intense boy would be like. Logan and Carlos fell together like two peas in a pod when it came to rooming. One was highly organized, and the other was sloppy beyond belief. It created the perfect balance that neither of them minded. It also wasn't too far of a stretch to room together because of how often Carlos spent the night at Logan's house to keep him company when Laura was always out of town. They both thrived on the companionship at night; Carlos because of the dark and Logan because of his occasional bouts of insomnia when his stress levels would run too high.

Kendall got a room to himself because he was hoping for a roommate soon. They all wanted Sage to be the fifth member of the Big Time Rush family in California, and they were trying to wait patiently for it to happen.

"Since we're all turning this into an episode of Oprah, I gotta ask… How are you doing, Kendall?" James grinned warmly at the blonde, knowing that he often put too much of the focus on everyone other than himself after they helped him get over his depression. He was always trying to pay them back for that even though he already did by just being there.

"I'm alright… It's kind of weird singing without my guitar though… I always thought I'd be playing it if I ever pursued music," Kendall shrugged, taking another sip of his drink after biting into a chicken nugget.

"Well, maybe Gustavo would let you if he knew you played," Logan spoke in a tone that clearly begged his friend to tell their boss about his instrumental talent. He even played the piano because of Sage, but he refused to do either now.

"No, let Gustavo do whatever he wants with us. Plus, I don't wanna intrude or anything. We work as a group… I'm not taking any extra spotlight," Kendall insisted, shaking his head for emphasis.

"Why not? I try it all the time," James flashed his white smile, waving his hands in front of his face as if he were presenting it to the world.

"We know, James. We know…" Kendall laughed at his friend before sobering. "Seriously, as far as Gustavo is concerned, I have no musical background whatsoever, and we're keeping it that way," he declared sternly, giving each of them a look so they wouldn't push the issue anymore.

"Can _**we**_ hear you play?" Carlos asked hopefully. He stopped shoveling food into his mouth as he waited for an answer. All of them leaned in. Kendall was completely open with them, but his music was one thing he never gave.

"Nope," he replied simply with a smile, getting three sighs as they continued eating.

He had thought about sharing his talent so many times, especially now that they were around music all day, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He had sung for James, but playing and composing were different. That was for and with Sage. When she was back with him, then he'd do it again. They'd do it together.

"That's probably the best part of this, though," James spoke quietly, looking away from his food at the sudden eyes on him while he elaborated. "This is gonna make it so easy for Sage to find us," he smiled so much that it hurt, having invested a lot of his emotions in seeing Kendall and his girlfriend back together, and meeting the girl in general. With the amount of time Kendall spent telling them about her, it felt like they already knew her, but their curiosity still grew as the days passed.

"I'm pretty sure I don't even have to say how much I think about that," Kendall grinned, feeling his heart beat erratically in his chest as he abandoned his food altogether.

The thought of reuniting with his soul mate always made his body ache to the point of pain, but the discomfort was manageable because of the hope he had now; the hope his brothers gave him. They built him up when he was at his lowest point while asking for nothing in return, and that meant everything to him. It made things okay when they seemed like they never would be again.

"It's gonna be so cool to have her here. I've never had a little sister before!" Carlos bounced on his chair in excitement, having no doubt about Sage's arrival even though they couldn't be sure of anything.

According to the boys, she was in foster care and would only be able to come to them at the end of May when she turned eighteen. The wait was excruciating, but they were confident in the idea of her uniting with them when she was released from the system. They all just hoped that her year of experience in foster families wouldn't hurt her any more than she already was. She didn't deserve that.

"She's gonna love you, Carlos," Kendall agreed with a laugh at his animated friend, already imagining spending time with them as a group of five. Thinking that the fantasy was inevitable made his own excitement jump to new heights as his hand shook while it wrapped tightly around his can of soda so he had something to hold onto.

"And it should be super easy to get her here. With the track we're on now, our fame will rise if all goes well with the band, and we'll be all over the internet. As soon as Sage types in 'Kendall Knight', bam! There we'll be," Logan smiled, his own childlike enthusiasm shining through. "When our popularity increases, we'll get more interviews, and we could even reach out to our fans for help if we need it."

James giggled, making all eyes land on him in confusion.

"Sorry, it's just… We're gonna have _**fans**_," he cheered silently, all of his dreams getting closer and closer to coming true. Being adored and famous was his biggest goal in life, and he was on the path that would lead him there. The best part of it all was that he wasn't traveling it alone.

"Yes, James. That's usually part of being famous," Logan rolled his eyes.

"I know!" the boy squealed joyfully before calming himself down.

Kendall sat back and watched his friends continue with random conversation, teasing each other and munching on fatty food with their amazing apartment as a backdrop. The image was so surreal, and he'd never trade it in for anything. He'd only add to it. He wished Sage was beside him at the table where she belonged, but he had waited for so many months, and he was sure that he'd be able to handle a few more.

They had been through so much, and they deserved a happy ending. They earned it with blood and tears.

* * *

Late into the night, after watching a few terribly casted movies made for TV with his bandmates, Kendall finally wandered off to his bedroom. It was slightly bigger than what he had at home, about the same size as the one he occupied in Ramsey, and that simple fact made him miss Sage a little bit more. The layout was different, but it even had a private bathroom attached to it just like the one in North Dakota. Whenever he walked by the door or past the bed, he could practically see her there; jotting lyrics down in a notebook or brushing her teeth in front of the mirror like he used to witness on those blissful days and nights they got to spend together.

The room was fully prepared for the arrival of his girlfriend. He exhibited an optimistic effort as soon as he moved in. The walls were decorated with pictures of Karen, Katie, the boys, and Sage, and half of the closet was empty; his clothes and guitar all shoved to one side. Half of the drawers in the dresser were left unused, and one of the nightstands had no clutter on or in it other than a small lamp on top of it. All of those spaces were for Sage.

Remaining painfully positive was difficult sometimes, especially in the quiet moments he had to think right before falling asleep. He tried so hard not to think of the negative; not to wonder about Sage's foster care arrangements or how she was being treated. He had seen her bruised and beaten, but he was there for her every time. He didn't want to think about the possibility of it happening even out of Elliot's grasp. There were other bad people in the world, and Kendall wanted to protect Sage from them all. The nightmares of her broken, afraid, and scarred still came occasionally, almost as if his mind was warning him, but he pushed the imagery away; refusing to focus on the negative like he had been at first. It almost destroyed him and his family, and he couldn't go back to that. So, he kept his expectations high and a smile on his face because he denied the idea that things could ever get worse.

He didn't know the truth yet, but his subconscious and the constant pit in his stomach kept telling him that something was wrong. However, almost as fast as the cautionary feeling came, he shoved it aside until he could forget it; figuring that it was his overactive imagination and pessimism trying to mess with him.

Kendall settled onto one side of the queen-sized bed, leaving a whole half for Sage with a smile. His eyes landed on the silver pendant hanging safely on the bedpost while he laid a hand on the cool sheets beside him, drifting off against his soft pillows with images of the necklace being back around his beloved's neck where it belonged.

The nightmares never came as he slept. The sweet dreams of reuniting with Sage persisted instead, pushing out the dark dread and replacing it with hopeful light that would get him through the next few months.

* * *

"Come on, Sage… You can do this… It's just a fuckin' bed…"

Sage stared at the offensive furniture with revulsion in her emerald eyes. She had been trying to sit on her bed for the last thirty minutes, but she couldn't manage to even get close to it. Elliot hadn't raped her in months, but that didn't erase the memories or the feelings that came with the pure image of the mattress covered in freshly washed white sheets and a black quilt. Her stepfather, and also her wannabe boyfriend, did her laundry regularly, and that included the bedding, but it didn't matter if it was clean. It would never be spotless. She knew of all the unseen things that dwelled upon it. There was blood staining the mattress in numerous spots beneath the crisp blankets; hidden evidence of what she had gone through in the beginning of her captivity.

Just being near it made her head throb and her eyes sting with unshed tears. Her heart beat in an erratic rhythm so harshly that she could almost hear it more clearly than the sound of her deep and shaky breaths, but she was extremely determined to overcome the irrational fear. This wasn't something she deserved to deal with. Sage shouldn't be afraid of bedroom furniture, but Elliot brought tons of lovely surprises into her life.

She took another step forward, making her shins touch the edge of the mattress and send a chill up her spine from the soft contact on her bare skin. It felt more like an electric fence caressing her legs. She swallowed down the scream that built up in her throat, forcing it into a quiet whimper before she started to hold her breath altogether while lifting one knee on to the bed and clamping her eyes shut; thinking that she'd be able to handle the experiment better if she didn't have to look at the source of most of her nightmares.

The whole world seemed to fall silent so that she could only hear here her blood pumping rapidly through her veins as she crawled to the center of the dreaded mattress, the farthest she had ever gotten since she had first convinced herself to try over a month ago. Sage let the air out of her lungs, feeling it escape through her tightly clenched teeth. She felt as if her body was so stiff that it would hardly sink into the bedding because she refused to relax, but she experienced a short moment of delight when she started to fold her legs beneath her. It was almost definite that her face looked pained, sensing harm that wasn't really there while slowly dropping her trembling hands onto the mattress at her sides.

The second Sage opened her eyes was the second that she put back up all of the defenses she had been attempting to push down.

She wasn't strong enough to do this. She didn't feel strong enough to do anything anymore.

Seeing the bedding beneath her body made her think of that first night; the first time Elliot raped her and the first time he scarred her. He was different now. She didn't doubt that, but it didn't make anything better. In fact, Elliot altering his personality made everything harder. It made her sicker. Just because life had changed so fast, didn't mean that her feelings or memories changed. She could feel him hovering over her, pressing down onto her… into her. The cold blade of the knife she hadn't seen in over a dozen weeks appeared in her mind as if it was pushing into the skin of her chest right at this moment. Her fingers gripped the sheets below while her stomach burned with hatred and terror as she relived the minutes that sent her life into a tailspin, but this time was a little different. This time she could run, but she could never get far.

Sage leapt off of the bed, glad that Elliot wasn't actually on top of her like how she could feel him in her hallucination. She could practically hear him whispering for her to calm down as his large hands roamed her body, and she felt the bile rise in her throat. Keeping it down for a second longer, she rushed into the bathroom and leaned over the toilet to do her best to expel all of the bad feelings in her gut and chest. Even after she vomited, she really didn't feel any better. The panic was still making her whole spine tingle and shudder, wracking her frail body with a sob as she flushed the toilet and stomped her foot in frustration. She had made it onto the bed this time, but she couldn't even be a little happy about it anymore. There was nothing good about any of this.

Willing herself to calm down with deep breaths, Sage kept her eyes on the slowly steadying rise and fall of her chest as she moved towards the sink. She washed her mouth out, swishing cold water back and forth and then leaning against the counter. After hesitating for a second, she decided to bite the bullet and look at her reflection in the mirror above the faucet; something she had been avoiding almost as much as the bed.

Sage didn't know if she should be surprised or not about her reaction. If someone had noticed such a drastic change in themselves so suddenly, the normal response would probably be astonishment or fear, but she remained emotionless. If anything, she managed an ounce of pity for herself; struggling to think of what lead to this. What did she do that deserved this outcome?

Her reflection was a smaller version of her former self. She already had fair skin, but she was sure that she was even more pale than usual. There were dark circles under her eyes, ones that she was sure were a permanent feature of hers now because of her lack of rest, and she was noticeably thinner. Elliot only fed her one meal a day. She wasn't sure if it was because he was trying to still keep her weak, or if it was just because of his work schedule. She settled on the idea that it was a mixture of both. No matter what she once believed, Sage could see that her stepfather truly cared about her in his own twisted and delusional way. That was one thing she could put money on. Elliot loved her, and there was no way to argue about it now. There was no way to change his mind. His entire life centered around Sage, and she was locked into that position indefinitely.

Taking a step away from the counter, she took the clip that had been holding her hair up and threw it into a drawer. She ran a hand through her blonde locks. They had grown a few inches, but she usually kept them trimmed when she thought about it; trying to preserve what she was when Kendall was still around but still knowing deep down that it was an impossibility. She'd never be the same again, but she couldn't stop herself from trying.

Sage disheveled her hair a bit until it hung around the edges of her face, a practice she had picked up in order to feel a little more hidden. Having her tresses conceal her even in the slightest ways made her less watched, a feeling she got even when she was alone. It was just her hair. It was such a stupid thing that wasn't supposed to matter, but it did.

The devil was in the details.

When she was alone in her silent room, her mind would buzz with memories and thoughts and doubts and fears. So, if something insignificant like her hair made her feel a little more steady, then she was going to use it. She'd take any form of security right now.

With a small smile that she forgot she could form, Sage shocked herself with her reflection; fleeting twinkles of happiness coating her exhausted features when she remembered one of the best parts of her figure. It was the two bracelets on her wrist. She raised her right hand, watching the strange form in the mirror do the same with her smile quickly fading. The two bracelets, both black with a mix of pink and green, fell further up and down her arm now that she had lost a bit of weight. They nearly reached the bottom of her thumb when she shook her hand out, and they slipped almost to the middle of her forearm when she raised it. The string that Katie had composed each band of was fraying with time and wear after the excess amount of showers Sage took, but she was glad to see that they were still strongly knotted around her pasty skin and didn't seem to being falling off anytime soon.

The presence of the cherished bracelets instantly made her miss the only other jewelry she ever wore.

Sage strode backwards another step, studying the mirror and physically aching at the absence of the pendant around her neck. Her thin fingers reached up to her neck, tracing the pattern of a small heart and an "S" and "K" that was supposed to be there. The only thing that put her at peace was knowing that Kendall still held onto it for her. Somewhere out there, her beloved boyfriend was keeping the precious accessory safe in his grasp.

Her fingers trailed sideways, gliding over a pink scar that extended from her collarbone to below her jugular. It was made on the first night that Elliot raped her, given to her for struggling against him too much. There had been another small one from years ago that used to be there, but now its appearance was barely noticeable beyond the large fading one above it. She couldn't help but notice that it cut right through where the pendant should have been resting near her heart, and that fact alone had her wiping tears from her eyes.

Sage continued with her examination, curiosity getting the best of her and also feeling slightly deserving of punishment for not making it through the bed experiment. She could see another scar on her right thigh that was just visible below the hem of her shorts, and she knew where another substantial one was without even looking, but she did it anyway. Lifting up the bottom of her tank top, she immediately viewed the scar dragging two inches across her left hip. They were all lessons in submission. The searing, abrupt pain of each cut was enough to make her quickly learn to stop thrashing against her captor's hold. For the sake of her sanity, she thought it was easier to give in.

With the observance of her marred skin, Sage suddenly felt more exposed than even her hair could remedy. A chill wracked her fragile body, and she walked away from the mirror as quickly as her legs could manage. The scars would never leave her body. They would be there no matter what happened. If Elliot died, they'd stay there. If she was back in Kendall's arms, they'd still remain. If she gave up and chose death for herself, she'd be buried with the disfigurements.

She reentered her room, hurrying towards her dresser to trade her shorts in for sweatpants. Sage also gathered the only thing that could make her feel remotely warm and alive. She dug out Kendall's black hoodie, not even bothering to unzip it before she decided to throw it over her head; in a rush to get the fabric against her frigid skin. She grinned at the scent of it, knowing that it was highly unlikely that it still resembled Kendall but also recreating it almost perfectly with her imagination when she had doubts.

Feeling a little cozier, she walked across the room, stopping at her desk. There was a large stack of notebooks piled beside the box containing her mother's ring. She had started to write songs again in the last few weeks, feeling like her inspiration came back after learning the truth about Julia, or maybe it was boredom. It was probably a combination of the two. Everything about her bedroom and Elliot had started to become routine, which was always sad to think of. She was finally settling into all of it. Her room became her own small home and hell all wrapped into one.

Not having the desire to write, Sage took her chair and slowly dragged it to the window with her weak muscles. She positioned it closely and then climbed into it, folding her legs beneath her and throwing the hood of Kendall's sweatshirt over her head. Her hands rose up to clench around the bars over the windows, clinging tightly as she pressed her forehead against the cold metal tiredly to look outside.

The sun had set over an hour ago, and there was nothing much to see. There never was. Her closest neighbors weren't very close at all, having many yards of space between each of the homes. The backyard was small, and there were only trees beyond that. It had been snowing for most of the evening, and the ground was covered in a thick blanket of white. The light pollution from the neighborhood was casting a dull orange glow against the clean frost, making the snow seem almost peach in color as the lights reflected towards the night sky.

Outside used to be an escape. It was where she ran to get away from Elliot, but things like her and Kendall's "spot" by the lake hidden in the woods were becoming distant memories; retreating so far that it was hard to decipher whether they were actual recollections or just hallucinations or dreams existing to make her daily life a little more bearable. Right now, she knew that it was all real. The experiences were still locked safely in her head and heart, and simple things like Kendall's hoodie enveloping her body reminded her of that all the time, but even that was a fleeting feeling. It was mostly just a brief comfort.

Hope was gone. That was absolutely a thing of the past and a luxury she no longer partook in. It hurt too much, and she was tired of the pain.

When she looked beyond the window now, it wasn't so much of an escape anymore. It was more like torture to see a blue sky during the day or snow falling on the ground at night and know that she didn't live in it. It was like a fairytale that one wishes they could be a part of but also accepts that they could never really have. It used to seem like she could have that with Kendall, but that aspiration was as remote as the idea of hope for her.

The world outside wasn't the one that was inside of the Hendersons' house. The simple fact that there was a blizzard occurring at the moment was enough to prove her point and make her frown. When this whole ordeal had started, it was the end of May; the end of spring and start of summer. Now, it was February. Spring was approaching all over again. She had been here so long.

As Sage listened to Elliot's footsteps come up the stairs and the lock click behind her on the door, she didn't even flinch. That was one positive of the last several weeks. The fear towards Elliot subsided. It was replaced with indifference and an anger she didn't know she could possess. Ever since she learned that he was a murderer too, she looked at him differently. At first, it was with a whole new apprehension, but then it progressed into a miniscule sense of safety. Elliot was a killer, but he'd never kill her. If he caused her death, that would be the last thing he ever did. He'd much rather take his own life than steal hers. He just didn't realize that he already had.

Elliot stepped into the room silently, shutting the door softly behind him. He was wearing a long-sleeved blue thermal shirt with "Ramsey PD" written across the front and dark wash jeans with black boots. He strode over and placed a plate with a sandwich and chips on the desk, but Sage saw none of this, and she didn't care. She wouldn't even look at him as he sighed, breathing air into his cold hands, most likely feeling the effects after just shoveling part of the driveway enough to get his car out if there was an emergency and he was called in.

"You watchin' the snow?" he asked, aiming for cheerfulness but sounding almost pitiful. He knew what her response would be.

She gave him nothing.

Sage continued to sit in the chair with her legs now curled against her chest and her chin resting on the top of her knees. He couldn't even see her face because of the blonde hair and hood obstructing his view. Elliot shoved his hands into the back pockets of his pants, rocking forward and back on his feet as he bit his lip nervously. He weighed his options, deciding whether to give up or keep at it.

Silence was a constant thing from her for the last few weeks. He had gotten used to it, but he wasn't happy with it. However, he didn't push her forcefully into anything anymore. They could both remember when she used to ignore him as much as possible so many months ago, back at the beginning; back when he wouldn't let her get away with it and delivered a few cruel words and cruel hits with cruel hands, but that was all different now.

Elliot changed, so their relationship changed too. It was something neither one of them knew how to really cope with. They were hovering over a line that no one was willing to cross, but they were definitely on opposite sides. He was repeatedly trying to get her to saying anything to him, while she was challenging his patience with her own stubborn attitude. Sage knew that she had somewhat of a shield when it came to the man now, and not even Elliot could penetrate it sometimes. She could use that to her advantage, but she hadn't figured that out yet. Just like her stepfather, her mind wasn't what it used to be. There was so much and still not enough inside of it. It wouldn't work the same because she wasn't the same anymore.

After being met with the predicted silence, Elliot sighed and chose to keep pressing on. He hated her muteness more than the loathing rolling off of her in waves. Yes, Sage was definitely alone, but he felt that too. Scott Taylor was his best friend, but the naïve man didn't truly know him. Sage was the only one with all of the information. She was all the real Elliot had.

"It's a pretty bad storm this time…"

He got nothing again. Sage was still staring out the window, her body relaxed and motionless other than her breathing and blinking. Elliot thought for a moment, inching towards her but staying to the side because he didn't want to startle her by approaching from behind.

"I might need to leave earlier or later for work…"

There was still no response. Sage didn't care whether he stayed or left. It really didn't matter anymore.

"I'm not sure yet…"

He kept trying to add to his statements, giving her the opportunity to say absolutely anything or acknowledge him in some way, but Sage never jumped at the chance. She refused to look at him, mentally challenging herself to stay completely still until he decided to leave. The bed was a difficult feat, one she could not accomplish, but this was another story. She was starting to get some control over Elliot even if she couldn't do what mattered most. She couldn't get him to let her go.

Elliot sighed again, huffing out an exasperated breath. For a moment, she almost smiled when she thought she had won this round, but then he was suddenly in her peripheral vision. She stopped herself from rolling her eyes at his persistence, thinking that giving him even such a small gesture wasn't worth her depleting energy. He pivoted his body around casually, pressing his shoulders into the wall beside the window before sinking to the floor. His head lay against the side of the metal cage that was now at his level when he turned lazily to look up at her. Sage kept her eyes off of him, not having to gaze at him to know that he was studying her. She could just feel him now. Nine times out of ten, his vision was locked onto her face, searching for something she could never understand, which was actually understanding in itself. Elliot craved to know her almost as much as she craved he would stop existing.

"You've totally mastered the silent treatment," he smirked wearily, almost finding her entertaining. She never stopped surprising him, and that was another reason to love her.

Sage didn't stop the roll of her eyes this time, practically hearing his smile before she finally turned to look at him with a glare. She was too tired of his talking, thinking that he might go away sooner if she just gave in. Giving in always worked with Elliot. It was the best way to get results.

"What do you want?" she whispered, almost surprised at the sound of her own voice; raspy with nonuse except for the occasional word to herself when she needed a pep talk to try to get on the bed. She peered down at him, slightly pleased with their positioning.

Elliot was sitting on the floor beside her, but, more importantly, he was also beneath her. He didn't appear to notice or care at all.

"For you to talk, I guess…" he sounded stunned by her words, not having heard any of them in a month.

"I d-don't know what you want me to say…" Sage cleared her throat, coughing lightly into her knee as her head turned completely sideways so that her cheek rested on her legs rather than her chin. "How am I supposed to respond to you? To any of this?" her voice rose with anxiety and frustration, her grip on her lower half tightening before she extended one leg to the floor and leaned back in the chair. "Nothing's normal here…" she complained softly, almost whining at the idea. Elliot was the only one she could talk to, and she was starting to think that not speaking at all would lead to insanity quicker than giving it a shot. She needed to let things out because having them sealed deep inside was starting to hurt.

"We're not normal…" he shrugged a shoulder, almost feeling a little upset by the fact, and Sage was immediately wounded from his words.

They were very true, but they also echoed the one's Kendall used to say too much for her liking.

"… and you're supposed to just say whatever you want. There are no rules," Elliot offered her a warm and awkward smile, knowing how odd the phrasing was given their circumstances. It was a lie, but she knew what he meant. He wanted her to be comfortable, but she wasn't very sure that it was a possibility, and she hated that he could make her calm down a little bit just from his mood and tone. She was supposed to dread his presence, but that wasn't always the case anymore, and that scared her. How could someone be so predictable without her actually knowing them?

Maybe she knew him better than she thought.

"That's not true… There are limits…" she argued, swinging her dangling leg nervously while fidgeting with her fingers over her stomach before shoving them into the pockets of the hoodie.

"Like what? What have I made you do… lately?" he added the last part carefully, a frown tugging at his lips when he thought about their past. He'd never be proud of it, but, unfortunately, he'd also never take it back. He'd do it all the same, except he thought that he'd tell the truth a lot sooner.

"It's not like that… I mean, wh-what about K-Kendall? He's off limits, isn't he? And Mom… She's a 'no-no' too, right?" she had started cautiously, fearing a physical or verbal attack, but her strength grew with her attitude as she went. The simple thoughts of the people she lost because of him were enough to throw her timid nature out the door and ignite the passionate one she had pushed aside.

"Sage, I'm not saying that we can't talk about… them… but I'm not sure it's a good idea…" he swallowed tensely, dodging her attempt to discuss the wrongs he had done. He wanted to put that behind them, but it always came back. It never went away. Elliot was starting to see that. Changing wasn't as easy as making a conscious decision to do so. His past was always going to haunt him, and he was always going to run.

"What if it's what I want? You said that you'd do anything for me… I want to talk about Kendall," Sage declared angrily, spinning abruptly in her chair so that both of her legs hung off the side and she faced Elliot, who flinched at the fast movement and her abrasive tone.

She didn't even know exactly what she wanted to say about her boyfriend, but she knew that it was the one topic that could rile him up. She liked having a little control over Elliot. He almost seemed smaller when she had the upper hand, but she had to be careful. He'd never let her keep it. Any feeling of dominance she had was always temporary.

"What should we discuss? How amazing and perfect he was? He's gone, Sage. It's over… It's done… Move on…" he groaned, rubbing a temple with his hand.

"What ar- "

Elliot was saved from more questioning when his cell phone buzzed at his waist, making him grab at it immediately so he wouldn't have to look at Sage. She was watching him move around with a glare; a drastic difference from when he first walked into the room and couldn't even get a nod of acknowledgment. He lifted himself off of the floor, towering over the girl in the chair once more as he observed the brightly lit screen. It was a text message from Scott. He was needed at the station.

"I gotta go. I'll be back later," he called out cheerfully, still trying to change the subject. He didn't even attempt to kiss her forehead like he usually would. He headed straight for the door.

However, he didn't get very far. Before he could even get the key out from underneath his shirt, the plate that he had brought Sage dinner on crashed into bits after smashing against the lower half of the wall beside him. Elliot spun around in astonishment, not having heard her move, but one look at his fuming stepdaughter told him that she had thrown the dish to stop him. It hadn't gotten much distance even after she had stood up and moved towards him, her arms lacking much strength, but its statement was clear. She didn't want him to leave.

"We're not done… What did you mean by 'gone'? _**You**_ sent him away! He came looking for me!" Sage yelled, her voice raising higher and higher in volume and making her throat burn from the effort.

"He's not looking anymore!" Elliot shouted back, throwing his hands into the air out of exhaustion. He didn't seem angry. He was never angry anymore. He almost appeared nervous, like he didn't want her to hear what he was going to say.

"What are you talking about?" she stepped closer to him, leaving almost no space between their bodies, and she didn't mind the new proximity. She didn't care that he stood nearly a foot taller than her.

"Forget it… Please, just- I'm going to work. We'll talk later," he erased the emotions from his features, struggling to put on a stern face that he never really used anymore while he headed for the door. It had lost its effect because Sage knew that his malice was gone. He was no longer vicious with her. Neither one of them had realized when the pretenses all fell away completely, but it was dissolved, and that would change things.

"No!" she grabbed his arm, forcing him to turn fully towards her, but it was mostly his choice to respond when she tugged him. Her strength wasn't enough to actually manipulate his body. "I want to talk about Kendall now! What did you do?" she asked furiously, striking his chest once with the palm of her hand and fearing the worst. Sage was finding breathing a difficult task again as she thought of everything that could have happened between Elliot and Kendall while she was trapped in her room.

There would be no way for her to really know if Kendall was dead or hurt. There was no television, radio, or connection to the real world. She thought she would have felt it if he was truly gone, but all of her senses betrayed her lately. She didn't even trust herself anymore.

"What did you do?" she repeated hysterically, tears escaping her tired eyes as she continually hit Elliot, who remained unaffected despite her using all of the brutal strength her small muscles could manage. He only looked sympathetic at her outburst, seeming to understand her attempt to ignite him. She was pushing him to the edge, aiming to see if he'd fall over and fight back.

"Stop trying to trigger me… It's not gonna work. Just calm down," Elliot whispered, holding her wrists carefully until she stopped struggling. Sage scowled up at him, ripping her hands away and taking a stride backwards to cross her arms. "I didn't do anything to him. He's perfectly fine… He's over you, and you should get over him too. It's not healthy to hold onto something like that…"

Elliot wanted to help, appearing compassionate, but Sage just scoffed at him for his hypocritical statement. His own unwillingness to let go is what got her into this whole situation.

"You're wrong. Kendall Knight loves me, and I love him," she held a firm stance, staying stubborn and not backing down at all while looking straight into his strained brown eyes.

"You keep arguing, but it doesn't change anything… He's moved on," Elliot insisted quietly, thinking about something she couldn't figure out.

"I'm not listening to you," she shook her head vigorously, glancing down at the ground with her eyes squeezed shut.

Sage was sure that he was trying to mess with her. He always managed to do it, but she refused to let it happen this time. She believed with her whole heart that he was lying, and him attempting to convince her otherwise was exhausting. Even laying in the feared bed was sounding much more appealing than continuing to listen to him manipulate her.

"You don't have to listen… I'll show you…" Elliot delivered new look determination, causing her to roll her eyes. She wouldn't buy what he was selling.

He pulled the key out from underneath his shirt, stepping towards the door with the chain around his neck tugging slightly as he undid the lock. Sage stayed right where she was, learning a long time ago not to get jumpy when the door was open. In the earlier stages of her imprisonment, such actions had earned her a violent punishment, but now it was turning out to be something different.

Elliot shocked her by swinging the door open and not walking out of it quickly like usual. He walked back, grabbing her securely by the upper arm; worried about her getting away from him if he was too lenient. Sage instantly entered panic-mode as he dragged her through the doorway that she never dared to even near.

Being in the hallway that she hadn't seen in over nine months felt wrong. The new air and space almost seemed suffocating rather than freeing. She couldn't fight the fear that she'd get in trouble for being out there even if Elliot was the one leading her. As they approached her stepfather's room with her feet dragging slightly, Sage suddenly just wanted to go back to her small prison. She had no idea what he had in store for her. Did he want a change of scenery? Was he going to "show her" by raping her again?

"Elliot, stop…. Please… I don't want- " Sage was nearly choking on her own air, her voice soft and strained with the previous anger totally absent as she started to beg, but he cut her off.

"Ssh… I'm not doing anything. There's something you need to see…" he sounded completely calm, almost a little sad as he pulled her into his room.

She had never really seen it before, not ever having received permission to enter in all her years with Elliot. The bed was large with dark blue sheets and a nightstand on either side of it. The walls were the same off-white color as hers, and the floors were hardwood too. He also had a desk, but his was a little bigger and it wasn't pushed against the wall. Instead, it faced his bed. There was a closed laptop at the center and two small filing cabinets behind it.

"What are w-we doing h-here?" Sage swallowed the lump in her throat, biting down on her lower lip as her eyes glued right to the bed. It was terrible how her mind went right to it. She found herself wishing that she wasn't so messed up.

"Come on," he coaxed her gently, thankfully guiding her in the opposite direction of the bed.

They stopped behind the desk, Elliot keeping one hand on her arm while rummaging through a drawer to shuffle a few papers around. She didn't pay much attention, her gaze scanning the room instead with rattled nerves.

"I've, uh, been having someone keep an eye on Kendall…" he muttered awkwardly, causing her body to stiffen and jolt towards him. She said nothing as he slipped a piece of paper out of a file and placed a picture down in front of her.

It was a gray scale photo of Kendall taken from a distance. He was exactly how she remembered him, wearing a t-shirt, jeans, and a pair of his favorite Vans as he strolled down a busy sidewalk with his phone against his ear and a beautiful smile on his face. The time stamp at the bottom of the photo said the date was only a week ago, but the background certainly looked nothing like how she imagined winter in Minnesota. He wasn't dressed for the cold, and there were sunglasses over his eyes.

"He's in Hollywood… He was supposed to stay around for you, right? Well, he's not. He's living out there now on his own starting some music career… He gave up on you," Elliot sounded regretful as he spoke, knowing that Sage must have felt abandoned and betrayed. He was truly sorry, and didn't want to see her sad, but he also thought she should know the truth. If Kendall was moving on with his life, then so should she.

Sage pulled out of his grasp completely and slowly, not meeting much resistance as he let her go to allow her to turn towards the picture with her back facing Elliot. Her fingertips brushed over the photo as she ignored his words without a second thought. She knew he probably believed what he was saying, but she also knew Kendall better than anything else in the world. It was undeniable that he was in California, but that didn't upset her. In fact, it made a ghost of a smile appear on her face. She wished she was with him to ask all of the curious questions roaming through her mind. She missed talking to him every day; talking to someone that made her feel comfortable and warm. She didn't doubt Kendall's love towards her like Elliot seemed to. The destined pair never had doubts, and she wasn't going to start to think negatively now, but her stepfather didn't need to know that.

As she stayed silent and pensive for dramatic effect, Sage did her best to memorize every inch of the photograph. After seeing Kendall right in front of her, he suddenly wasn't a memory or a fantasy anymore. He was so fucking real.

Kendall was displayed in black, white, and every shade of gray in between.

Having him in her view, even if it was just a piece of paper, made the world stop spinning. The air left her lungs. She couldn't feel Elliot breathing down her neck anymore. It was just her and Kendall for a moment, but then her stepfather's hand was placed on her lower back and her blood started pumping rapidly once again. The feeling in her gut was almost like the constant panic she experienced, but this was different. It made her extra jumpy. It was so rare…

It was hope.

She could practically feel change showering over them.

"He wasn't meant for you, Sage… He has friends and family… You're alone like me. It's just us. We can be there for each other… It's all we need, and the rest will fall into place," Elliot whispered, circling his arm around her waist in what he assumed was a comforting embrace, but Sage just kept her mind on Kendall. She didn't even care that Elliot was touching her anymore. That didn't matter.

Kendall mattered.

Their future mattered.

She could remember that now.

Sage needed a plan, and Elliot's next words would give her one.

"I love you," he mumbled, kissing the top of her head and inching even closer to her side so that his free hand was making its way around her too.

Elliot was looking for trust, and she needed to work on giving it to him. That was the only device that would make everything change. She couldn't keep going like she was now. She had to give something, anything, a shot. If he trusted her, then the doors might open figuratively and literally. He already took her out of her room once now. Maybe there would be more of that if she just provided him with a little of what he always wanted. Elliot was a lot weaker than anyone gave him credit for…

"You're right… I love you too."

Sage's words were strained, keeping her head down as she instantly accepted the comfort Elliot was trying to give her. She spun in his arms and hugged him back, but her face remained sideways with her eyes resting on the picture of Kendall as she spoke the phrase only reserved for him. It made the lie a little easier; pretending that she was talking to her real soul mate.

Coping and continuing to straddle this fine line was going to prove difficult, but, right now, it was working like a charm.

Elliot's body shuddered as he embraced her tightly, not even noticing that the words weren't really for him. He was blindsided and instantly elated at her declaration, truly seeing this as a turning point for them. He believed that Kendall had messed up and silently thanked the boy for giving up on the best girl in the world because he thought it gave him a real chance with Sage now. Elliot couldn't see the deception occurring. He was too in love.

Sage put a little more effort into the hug, giving the image of Kendall one last glance before turning away completely; giving everything she could to the ruse by burying her face into his chest and working up tears. It wasn't hard to do because crying was so easy now, but she felt a little bit of happiness too this time.

Hope was a funny thing. You had to have a dash of bravery to keep it. You had to be willing to accept the idea of being let down, but she was prepared to take that risk now. Kendall's picture gave her reassurance she hadn't realized she had let go.

Elliot was smiling. Finally feeling some reciprocation was all he could ever ask for. He waited so many years for something like this; something that would make going to hell later on worth the ride.

He thought this was the moment that she was giving in, but he was wrong.

This was the moment that Sage took over.

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**A/N: We're getting so close to the "season two finale" of PTS, which will be Ch. 31 :) I know there was a bit of positivity in this chapter, but, trust me, it's a little messed up before it gets better ;D (It's kind of what I do ;)... And the "season three premiere" will be Ch. 32 :D  
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*******Also, here's a reminder about my new series for Kendall/Sage: "For the Lovers of Kage"… Go read and enjoy if you haven't yet :)**

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled, so you can still review even if you don't have an account :D Come say hi! :)... another thing really quick: I've been hearing about site ERRORS that won't let people post sometimes. So, if I ever disappear, I'm not gone forever. I'm just fighting to put up the chapter lol :D  
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	30. Big Time Trust

**A/N: We're getting close to a reunion… ;D **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**Also: Go read**_ Surfergal23_**'s fantastic story Hooked. It's a Kendall/OC :)**

**_-waterwicca_**

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_CHAPTER 30: BIG TIME TRUST_

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49 hours, 21 minutes, and 17 seconds.

That's how long it had been since Sage saw Elliot, and now a state of panic began to set in. She didn't think she even had the ability to conjure up such a feeling for the man, but a lot of unconventional things had been happening to her in the last several months. She couldn't really find it in herself to be surprised. She only focused on the fear.

Where was Elliot?

He had left over two days ago in his normal routine. After putting her securely back into her room with a kiss to the top of her head, he walked out the door and locked it behind him to start his shift exactly fifteen minutes before midnight at the station. He was supposed to have stopped by after dinnertime before sunset the next evening, having made more opportunities to come back to the house whenever possible now that things were different between him and Sage.

She wanted him around nowadays. At least, that's what she let him think. However, she was starting to doubt her own feelings and resolve about their situation.

It had been almost six weeks since she saw the picture of Kendall when Elliot took her out of her room for the first time in nearly ten months. So much had changed since that day for the Hendersons. The amount of time alone brought about alterations. It was like they were both learning to be new people; one voluntarily and one against her will. Elliot wanted these modifications from the start, while Sage was forced to move forward or stay stuck. Neither choice was easy.

At first, choosing to give in a little bit and see where things went seemed to be the best choice for a chance at freedom, but it almost messed with her head more than the rape in the last few weeks. The emotions and actions were all different, making it more difficult to cope than she had thought. The problem really reared its ugly head in times like these; the times when she _**needed**_ Elliot… and occasionally wanted him.

Sage constantly remembered that her life changed with captivity, but this was pushing it to another level. It was almost a year; a whole year with just her stepfather. There were no fellow prisoners, no visitors, and no time in the "yard" until very recently. Since the end of February when Elliot pulled her from her bedroom, he had been letting her out a lot more. Whenever he was home, he'd allow her to come downstairs with him until he had to leave again. After a few trial days, in which she intentionally behaved herself, she was actually permitted to move around freely as long as she stayed close enough for him to see her. Tricking Elliot wasn't very hard. All she had to do was give him a genuine smile and speak to him like a human being. He just wanted love. He was easy.

Tricking herself was the challenging part.

Playing nice with her stepfather and "loving" him was all supposed to be an act for her, but there was no script. There were no guidelines. Sage had to make it up as she went, and that's where the gray area deepened so much that she could nearly drown in it if she didn't tread cautiously.

First, she needed him to survive. Elliot was the one who fed her and talked to her. In these circumstances, the basics of life were what made her overly grateful. They were everything because she had nothing. He kept her breathing even when she wished that she wasn't sometimes, and, whether he knew it or not, his attention to her is what gave her the will to go on at the roughest moments. When Elliot looked at her with complete adoration and contentment, Sage could see Kendall in that type of stare. Half of that fact was terrifying, detecting eerie similarities between the night and day figures of Kendall Knight and Elliot Henderson, but the other half, the part that kept her determined, recalled the man behind those eyes. She had to force herself to remember the person Elliot used to be, not just the one he had become.

Second, and possibly the most unsettling new truth in the gray area, Sage and her stepfather were nearly friends now. They had discussions, ones in which she no longer felt fear or malice. They spoke normally, like he wasn't an abuser or a murderer. She had to push those details of the past away or they'd consume her. She had to forget about her mother and continuously think that Julia had slit her own wrists. It wasn't too far of a stretch for her mind lately. It's what she had always believed, so she just had to forget the truth and move on. There was a lot of moving on being done…

The Elliot she knew in the last weeks of her life didn't truly seem capable of murder. He was literally a different person. When he had declared it, she thought he was just talking; trying to mess with her head in an effort to gain the upper hand, but his intentions were real, and he was merely waiting for her to take her own step towards him. The reality that he had changed so easily, that sudden and heavy swing, should have been evidence of his unrelenting instability, but she never focused on that. She couldn't afford to. Reigniting her poignant fear would only spoil her plans. She couldn't feel anything negative. It would be too big of a risk because it always took her over. Terror and depression were incapacitating, and they'd send her back to the place where hope didn't exist. She refused to go there. Being numb, smiling, and talking were easier than feeling like your insides were being torn to shreds until only remnants of your former self were left.

Sage paced near her locked door, glancing nervously between it and the barred windows. Both offered no escape and no change. The sun had set hours before, signaling the second full day of Elliot's disappearance, but there was nothing she could do except wait. Her body felt hot and uncomfortable even though she only wore an oversized purple shirt and her underwear. It was April; the start of spring but not into it enough for it to always be pleasantly warm outside. Before he had left two days ago, Elliot had turned the heat up in the house so Sage would be more comfortable when a few off-season flurries still fell from the sky, but, only a couple days later, the weather was feeling true to the month and it was unpleasant in the enclosed walls of her room with the furnace working in the basement. Her hunger wasn't helping her comfort level either.

She had gotten used to eating more than once after Elliot started spending extra time at home. She made her own meals and felt slightly healthier as some of her strength started to return, but the process was slow, and now she felt like she did before. Sage was literally starving, and it would lead to her death if her stepfather didn't return. She could last a while, still having water from the sink in the bathroom, but it wouldn't be enjoyable.

What if Elliot died on the job?

At first glance, that would sound like a good thing. The villain would be dead, but, in this case, Sage's caretaker would also be gone. Everyone thought Officer Henderson lived alone, so she couldn't even imagine how long it might take for anyone to come into the house for her to call out to. She wouldn't be able to make it until then without food. She needed Elliot, or she'd never get to Kendall, and the absurdity of that statement never flew over her head. She could still remember the time when she kept them as separate as possible; living two completely different lives. Now, they were irrevocably mixed. One couldn't exist without the other.

If Elliot was never in her life, then she wouldn't have become the person Kendall fell in love with, and, if Kendall never came to town, she'd probably be an even more hollow shell than she was now. Everything mattered. It all happened for a reason. She couldn't figure each of them out yet, but she knew that there would absolutely be consequences for all of this, and she always feared what they'd be.

Death and destruction were on the top of the list.

Life and love were on the lower end; less plausible but still the preferred outcome.

Sage sighed, swallowing thickly as she rubbed her temples; feeling a headache pounding against her skull. The pain was almost welcomed when it would overpower the empty feeling in her gut. She stopped pacing by the door, her legs getting weaker with the neurotic action, and walked across the room towards the windows instead; falling to the floor and laying the side of her head against the metal bars so that she could see both the starry sky and her door while resting her weary body. She had tried to sleep earlier, but that task still wasn't easy. She couldn't touch the bed, and the floor and tub seemed especially uncomfortable after being granted access to the couch in the last several weeks. Plus, her mind was on Elliot constantly, and it refused to shut down enough to nap.

She'd be lying if she said she wasn't lonely without him.

Elliot was all she knew, and he was there every single day now. He kept her alive… They kept each other human.

As she took her focus completely off of the door, tired of staring at the unmoving wood that kept frustrating her, Sage turned her green eyes onto the night sky. It was clear and bright, a glaring contrast to what it had been when these new feelings started; when the plan was initiated. She didn't even know of anything else beyond getting Elliot's trust. It was the only thing that mattered. Escape couldn't come before it. There'd be no way for that to happen without failure and injury. She had to wait.

Just wait.

It was the beginning of April now. March had come and gone, which she couldn't have been more thrilled about. The entire month made her think of Kendall more than usual. His birthday had arrived, and he was officially eighteen. It reminded her of their original strategy when he moved. When she was eighteen too, everything was supposed to be easy. She wouldn't have had stay with Elliot anymore, but that was all destroyed now. She was supposed to live with Kendall. She was supposed to have a normal family. She was supposed to have made it through all the trials of her adolescence and receive the prize of happiness for surviving.

Nothing was what it was supposed to be.

Kendall wasn't even where he should have been, but that was the one unusual thing that Sage wasn't upset about at all. In fact, the thought of him in Hollywood always made her smile because she knew it was for his music. He was talented beyond belief, and it had her feeling ecstatic that he hadn't given that up. She had no idea who he was with or what his daily life was like, but she was sure she'd get the answers later because she could actually see a "later" for them now.

Dreaming about the future again came with the hope she mustered up at the image of Kendall that Elliot provided her with the chance to see. She didn't have details, but she had a location; a town, and that was more than she ever had before. She only ever knew that he was several hours away in Minnesota. They had kept the exact place a secret for safety reasons, and it basically backfired royally, but Elliot, of all people, helped the couple.

His own paranoia and hiring a private investigator to keep an eye on Kendall's movements only strengthened the teenagers' bond. It gave Sage the idea for the new changes in her attitude, which would hopefully lead to her freedom and reunion with Kendall.

Elliot ruined his own game, but he wouldn't be the only one suffering in the end.

Sage jumped, startled into action when she heard the front door slam open. Her eyes widened when she heard the heavy and rushed footsteps on the stairs, able to identify them from the sound alone. She'd know it anywhere, and it would always stay with her. Elliot was finally home. She pulled herself off of the floor, using the bars on the windows to help support her weak arms until she was standing, and then hurried over to the door just as she heard her stepfather on the other side turning the lock with small curses every time his shaking hands would hinder him from doing it fast.

It scared her how much she wanted to see him.

Her legs shifted, almost squirming in place out of anxiousness while she waited. It felt like a decade, but it was probably only mere seconds before the door swung open and Elliot gathered her into his arms.

"I'm sorry… I'm sorry… sorry…" he mumbled, panting heavily while squeezing her against him. He smiled into her hair as he felt her put an effort into hugging him back. Gestures like that continued to surprise him no matter how many times she did them. "Missed you," he added for good measure, both of them already knowing it by the way he refused to let her go.

"Missed you too," Sage whispered into his neck, ignoring the tremor of shock and fear by the factuality of her statement.

She pushed the feeling down with all of the others she fought in the last few weeks, hiding them safely somewhere in the back of her head and heart.

"Where were you?" Sage pulled away, sounding exhausted and sad. Her eyes immediately fell beside her when she realized that he had trouble tugging away from her quickly. His left arm was in a sling that he was struggling with. "What the hell happened?"

The goal was to seem worried about his well-being and sympathetic towards him, and she was successful.

If only she could have made it a complete charade…

The feelings were too real. She was so convincing because it was genuine concern on her features, and that's probably why Elliot always believed her so easily. It wasn't a lie, but she wished it was. She didn't want to be this way. She never asked for it. She didn't deserve it, but it was shoved onto her like a heavy burden weighing her shoulders down, and she had to learn how to manage and manipulate it so she wouldn't be crushed before reaching her destination: Kendall.

Sage didn't want to be broken when she saw him again, but that idea was looking unpromising.

"I got shot," Elliot answered quickly, already shaking his head when Sage's snapped her gaze off of his arm and up to his face. "It's not a big deal… God, you're probably starving," he frowned again, using his good hand to cup the side of her neck. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead, trying to make the worry lines go away. "I'm sorry," he repeated softly, not liking how tired or pale she looked. "I got here as quick as I could."

"Getting shot _**is**_ a big deal, Elliot," Sage insisted sternly, ignoring the rest of his words of concern about her.

She had been thinking about herself for the last two days, but all of her attention was suddenly on him. He was something new to put her mind on. That was always the beauty of him lately. Elliot gave her something to do other than cry or rightfully sulk. It made her feel a little more productive in this small world where she had nothing.

"It's one of the perks of the job," Elliot smirked at her tone, secretly loving it when she got a little feisty with him. He liked hearing what she had to say and hated when she kept to herself. "Come on, let's get you something to eat. You look like you're about to pass out," he kept his mood light, rubbing her upper arm with a soft smile before turning away and slowly moving down the hall to the stairs.

"So do you," she commented smartly, eyeing the way his left shoulder slumped lower than the other as she followed behind him. She was just trying to argue. He didn't really look that ill.

"I slept most of the day, thanks," Elliot grinned, stopping at the doorway to his room and fiddling with his sling until he was able to tug it off with a small groan of discomfort.

"I'm pretty sure you're supposed to keep that on," Sage sighed, crossing her arms over her chest and leaning against the wall with a slightly amused expression as he held his wrist against his abdomen and tossed the sling into the bedroom carelessly.

"Yeah, and we all know that I'm the guy who _**always**_ follows the rules… It's like you don't even know me anymore," Elliot frowned playfully before rolling his eyes and pointing to the stairs. "Go down and make something to eat. Stop worrying about me."

Sage shook her head, sending him a disapproving glare as she strolled by. She made her way down the steps slowly, the new movements feeling foreign to her distressed body even after only two days of not doing it. When she reached the bottom, Elliot was only halfway down himself; seeming to be trying to adjust his injured arm by testing its limits and daringly rotating it back and forth out of curiosity. Before Sage turned to go to the kitchen, she spotted something that she had never seen before in captivity.

The front door was wide open.

Elliot had left it that way in his panic to get to her after rushing home from the hospital.

She could run and see how far she got. Her stepfather wasn't even looking at her in that second. His focus was on his arm as he raised the sleeve of his t-shirt to observe the bandage while steadily descending the stairs.

Sage blinked, took two steps forward, and shut the door without a second thought. She turned the lock on both the handle and the deadbolt.

Today was just not the day.

When would the time be right?

Would it ever feel right?

Just being near the open door made her uncomfortable, like her own body didn't want her to go near the space. She could almost feel her muscles pulling her away from it, and they all relaxed when the door was shut and securely locked. She was once again surrounded by the walls she knew; the ones that surprisingly made her more comfortable than the world beyond the threshold. She didn't know what was out there for her, and she wasn't always sure that she wanted to know.

What would the effects of her escape be for everyone?

Sage kept her emotions at bay, refusing to acknowledge any of them as she nonchalantly moved to the kitchen. She slid the thermostat to a more appropriate temperature, hoping to cool off the house, and then went to the fridge to pull out a box of left over pizza, smiling happily at the sight of food after thinking for several hours she might never get it again.

"Are you hungry?" she called out calmly, not raising her voice. She knew Elliot was near her. He always was when he let her downstairs.

"No, they fed me a five star meal at the hospital," he smiled cheekily, settling into a chair at the small table in the corner. Sage chuckled before cringing at the thought of hospital food and turning to him with a raised brow to give him another chance as she waved the pizza box at him. "I'm good," he assured her, making his smile warm at the care she was showing him.

She shrugged and tossed the box onto the counter, moving around the dimly lit kitchen to gather a plate and a bottle of water while keeping an eye on Elliot. He had a plastic bag with him, and he shuffled through it with a stubborn look on his face; tossing medical supplies onto the table like they offended him. The look made Sage smile fondly. It reminded her of when Kendall was displeased with anything.

And there it was; another link to her boyfriend, or was Elliot her boyfriend now?

She had declared her love for him a month and a half earlier, but it didn't cure everything or make it easier, even Elliot knew that. It was a stepping stone towards the future, but their ideas of what that consisted of differed immensely. Yes, they both included love, but not in the way it was now. One of them wasn't going to be happy with the conclusion of this journey.

Sage wanted out.

Elliot just wanted Sage.

"How did you get shot?" she wondered, placing a slice of pizza onto the plate and into the microwave. She had never known Elliot to get hurt in all of their years together. He was very careful when he was working.

"Scott and me were called to a robbery in progress last night at a gas station just outside of town. It was just one guy holding the place up, but he must have been stoned out of his mind 'cause he wasn't listening to anything we were saying," Elliot explained casually, stealing a glance at Sage and giving her a smile before continuing to inspect the things in the bag on the table. "We got him to leave the convenience store cashier alone and step outside. Scott ordered him to put his gun down, and the guy did. So, we approached to cuff him, but then Scott got distracted by a speeding car that went through the area. It was most likely the guy's getaway vehicle, but who really gives a shit?" he rolled his eyes and then began reading the label on a prescription bottle as he continued. "That little incident gave the guy enough time to pick up his gun again and take a shot at Scotty, but I saw it coming and pushed him down."

Elliot finished calmly, appearing unaffected by the hole in his shoulder, but Sage nearly dropped the plate she pulled out of the microwave when he spoke.

"Wait, you took the bullet for Scott?" she bit her lip and tilted her head, never having viewed Elliot as a hero before. Sure, he had done many heroic deeds in the eyes of their community, but never ones that so directly risked his life for another.

It made her wonder what kind of man he was before she came into his life; before she essentially ruined him.

"Yeah, that damn kid acts like a rookie sometimes," Elliot chuckled, not really seeing the weight of the situation as he threw the bottle of prescription pain meds back into the bag; unwilling to take anything that might mess with his head even if it would help with the discomfort. Sage couldn't stop her own laughter. Scott Taylor was only a bit younger than Elliot, both still in their very early thirties, but Elliot never stopped seeing him as a little brother with a touch of rambunctious attitude.

"I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm a little surprised that you'd step in front of a firing gun for him," Sage admitted, not fearful of speaking the truth to Elliot anymore. The worst had already happened. There wasn't much he could do to her that he hadn't already, but, really, she knew he'd never lay a hand on her without permission again. At least, this new Elliot wouldn't.

"Of course I did. Scotty's my best friend," he replied easily, looking at her as she sat down in front of him like she was absurd for thinking there was any other option.

Sage grinned, biting into her pizza while giving him an odd expression right back, which he only shrugged in response to. Elliot winced at the movement, feeling it pull at the new wound.

"Has anyone ever told you that you need to think things through a little more?" she continued to smirk, taking a few more bites of her food as she watched him rub the area she assumed was injured; right near the edge of his arm and above his collarbone.

"I may have heard that once or twice," he admitted with a sheepish smile, peeking beneath the neckline of his shirt at the bandage.

"Are you bleeding through the bandage?" Sage asked, already knowing the answer. She had been hurt and bled enough to know that look of discomfort when you see the red seep into the clean white.

"No…" he answered immediately, before glancing up at her unconvinced expression, "… Maybe," he added with a groan scratching the brunette hair at the nape of his neck and leaning back into his chair.

"Let me help," Sage smiled taking the last bite of her pizza before pushing the plate aside and wiping off her hands. She gestured for him to lift his shirt, sliding her chair forward so that her legs were between his.

She was still only wearing underwear and a baggy shirt, but that didn't make her uncomfortable. Actually, it worked to her advantage when she remained calm and collected around him even in a small amount of clothes. She felt a little justice when she could punish him like this. These clothes allowed him to see most of her scars. She knew that upset Elliot. It was evidence of the force he constantly wished he didn't have to use. He was ashamed of himself. She could see it laced in the way he looked at her or took caution when touching her, and that was a start. At least he had a bit of humanity in him. He had remorse.

Elliot also had a kindness that she never knew existed beyond him trying to get what he wanted. During their conversations in the last few weeks, she saw his general sense of humor shine through, and it was easier to see why a nice person like Scott would be friends with him. He was charming without even trying to be, and he was easy to get along with when he wasn't being a liar.

"I really am sorry that I wasn't here for so long… Were you scared?" Elliot murmured, relaxing back into his chair with a guilty appearance after getting his shirt off and tossing it onto the table.

He had spent the entire day at the hospital, getting tests and X-rays to be sure he wouldn't have any fatal bleeding or lasting nerve damage. Most of it was just insufferable waiting in a hospital bed for hours and hours only to hear that he got lucky. He wasn't allowed to leave until the busy doctors cleared him with release papers. He wanted to just bolt after getting stitched up, but Scott was by his side the whole time, so he couldn't run out. He was trapped, thinking and worrying about the love of his life starving away in the prison he locked her up in.

"I was a little freaked out, but I'm good now," Sage smiled warmly, thinking about the person he was and not the man he used to be. It was easier to separate them. It made the fear trickle into the background when they were so close like this.

She grabbed the red and white bandage on his left shoulder, pulling the tape around it slowly so she wouldn't irritate the already pink skin. When she peeled all the gauze away, she was thankful that the wound wasn't as bad as she imagined. The bullet had been small and sailed clean through. The damage was minimal, and there was only a little bit of bleeding near one of the edges; most likely from him moving his arm around carelessly when he should have kept it in the sling.

Sage reached behind her for the garbage can, dragging it beside them and tossing the old bandage into it before taking the bottle of water she hadn't ended up drinking and unscrewing the cap. She dabbed the liquid onto a few napkins and cleaned the area around the stiches carefully, smirking when Elliot flinched.

"Don't be a baby," she teased, dabbing near the wound again.

"For your information, I'm not in pain. It's just cold," he defended himself with a grimace, jerking slightly again when the damp towel met his skin. She did it delicately with concentration written on her face. "You're pretty good at that," he commented casually with a smile, jerking a little again when her hand suddenly froze in place; letting a few drops of water trickle down his chest.

"I, uh, had a lot of p-practice," she stammered, forcing her muscles to move again after the initial thoughts of her own pain and scars flooded through her mind. She continued dabbing near the wound to make sure it was cleaned thoroughly.

"I'm sorry," Elliot stated instantly, feeling like an idiot for bringing it up and the devil for ever doing it in the first place.

Just like Sage, he'd never get over everything he had done.

"Why did you become a cop?" Sage asked, shaking her head at the apology and trying to settle into a conversation so they could both move on. Also, the question had been on her mind lately. There must be something more to Elliot than what she could see. He chose to be on the force before he ever met Julia or Sage. It was something that had nothing to do with her, and that in itself was refreshing.

"I wanted to help people," Elliot offered matter-of-factly, relaxing against his chair while still being mindful of the exit would on his upper back.

Sage almost rolled her eyes at his answer but then widened them and looked up at Elliot with anxiety when she realized what she had done. Her stepfather only chuckled softly, shaking his head before tilting it down to watch her fingers work carefully around his bullet wound.

"I know… It sounds ironic, right?" He offered easily, knowing that he hadn't displayed many behaviors that showed helpfulness in the last year. He was a destroyer, but that's not all he was.

No one is just one thing. We're all an intricate web.

"You can say it… You can say whatever you want to me… Just be honest, even if it hurts… I deserve it," Elliot mumbled, staring at her for a moment with an expression of pain before turning it into a small smile as she thought about what to say.

"There's more to it than that, right? More than just helping people?" Sage wondered, moving on quickly from the moment of apprehension. She was starting to learn how to get over that, or at least how to push it down enough to ignore its existence. The fear and anxiety would never really leave.

"Yeah, I guess, but that's probably the biggest part of it…" Elliot shrugged with his unharmed shoulder, keeping the other one still while Sage started to open a clean bandage to place on it. "I saw a lot of bad things growing up, and I think I just wanted to try to never be like that…" he trailed off thoughtfully, almost as if he realized his own failure. He had been on a good track, but then he got derailed when he saw Sage for the first time. She literally changed his life without even trying. Her existence altered absolutely everything.

"Was it your parents?" Sage asked innocently, her voice sounding small as she tried to figure out the reason for Elliot being the way he was. Part of her hoped that the Hendersons were violent people to their son, because this would all be a little more understandable, but the other part of her was mentally crossing her fingers that he hadn't been through anything like she had.

Sage wouldn't even wish her life on her worst enemy.

"What about them?" Elliot didn't seem to catch her meaning, looking up at her in confusion as she nervously smoothed the bandage over his shoulder.

"Were they the 'bad things'?" she clarified slowly, finally putting her own eyes on him after making sure the wound was covered correctly.

"Oh, no," Elliot breathed a heavy breath and laughed at the idea. "They were probably the only good things. My mom and dad were really in love, really successful, and really happy… They were perfect…" he sighed, inspecting her work on his shoulder before giving her a smile of thanks. "Everything was great until they died when I was six."

"What happened to them?" Sage was immediately frowning, thinking of a little boy suddenly without anyone to care for him. She felt sympathy, even if that kid in her head was Elliot. She wasn't a monster. She couldn't turn it all off, and she couldn't stop herself from feeling it.

"They were pretty wealthy. My father owned a lot of successful businesses along the east coast… My parents dream was to build their own house from the ground up, with every detail picked out by them personally. So, they did it. All the planning started after my birth and the project was completed fully when I was six… I think I was at a friend's house for a sleepover or something when it happened… My parents were settling into the house and making sure everything was perfect. They slept there over night for the first time, and I guess there was some faulty wiring because the whole place caught fire… They died in their sleep… I think the reports said the fire happened too quickly for them to even notice it before it was too late…" Elliot finished sadly, looking down at his lap in thought.

"I'm sorry," Sage whispered weakly, knowing that there really weren't any right words to say when someone lost a parent, let alone both of them at once. Her mother was stolen from her, and she had to remind herself that it was by Elliot's hand, but she ignored that for now. It was in the past, and it wouldn't help her get to the future.

"It's not your fault," Elliot smiled at her affectionately, lifting his hand up to brush the blonde hair away from her eyes. "Actually, the only positive thing that came out of all of it was that the people responsible paid. They paid right out of their pockets… The contracting company that installed the faulty wiring and caused the death of my parents settled out of court for a large sum… Let's just say that I had _**a lot**_ of money waiting for me when I turned eighteen, and I still have it all. Actually, it's even more now after saving up and investing some," he grinned. "I technically don't even have to have a job. I never did."

"Then why this?" Sage furrowed her brow, gesturing to his shoulder and the medical supplies on the table that his risky occupation lead him to dealing with. She was also staring at the modest space around them. The house that Elliot purchased in Ramsey was less than average and not even in the better part of town. He didn't live in luxury at all.

"Just because I have a shitload of money doesn't mean I need to spend it. I'm keeping it until there's something I really have to have, and, as far as the job goes, I told you already. I do it for the principle of it; to do something good… After my parents were gone, I didn't have any surviving family that could care for me, and I was placed into foster care. I spent my entire childhood in the system," Elliot sat forward in his chair, pivoting around and tilting his head towards his back casually so Sage could see if the exit wound was bleeding through the bandage too.

She looked quickly and shook her head, sitting up straighter in her own chair and anxious for him to continue with his story. She had never heard any of this before, and she found it fascinating. Something breaking up their usual routine was a welcomed change. He smirked at her eagerness and raised his arm back up to his bare abdomen; simulating the position the sling would put him in by resting his elbow on the table while he continued speaking.

"Foster care was a rough place. You had to stick up for yourself and stay grounded, but still try to be invisible and remain unattached. There's no love allowed in a place like that, or you'll just get yourself hurt. All the people you meet in that world will hate you, use you, or leave you… Leaving was always the worst when you let yourself get invested, so you learn pretty quickly to avoid that type of thing… It was violent too. I got knocked around sometimes, but there were a lot of kids who got it worse. It made me determined to have a life that meant something. I really do just want to help people," Elliot finished with a small quirk of his lips, almost as if he wished there was more to it, but there wasn't.

Elliot being a police officer wasn't something he was forced into or even had to do for money. It was something he pursued with a passion because of his past. Foster care and the death of his parents probably affected him more than he could even see. All love left him, and that's why he was pursuing it so hard now; going after something he wants, not something that was given and taken away on a whim. He was forming a life of his own creation; making choices all on his own without answering to anyone else. With the desire and plans to get Sage, he was trying to have love that he wanted; a relationship and connection that he wished for so much until it fell into his lap with a simple glance at a young girl in a diner. He wasn't forced into anything or pushed and pulled in and out of temporary relationships. This was all his choice, and the control and emotion was something he craved after growing up in a world that gave him none.

"Well, I'm sure Scott's grateful for your career choice," Sage grinned, choosing to point out a positive rather focusing on the fact that he's probably caused more pain in his lifetime than any good deed could fix.

"I sure as fuck hope so. That dumbass forced me into two weeks of mandatory medical leave," Elliot groaned, upset by the idea of not doing what he enjoyed for so long, but then he remembered what that meant, and Sage seemed to realize it too.

"That means you'll be home every day for a while?" she asked cautiously, unsure as to whether she was supposed to actually be feeling the small delight in her gut. She had been so lonely for the last two days, and any company was probably better than none for her sanity. It was better than being in the silence of her room.

"Yup," Elliot replied cheerfully, standing up to throw the rest of the garbage away and take her plate to the sink for her. He turned around when he heard Sage yawn softly, watching her stretch her arms over the tabletop with a smile. "You tired?"

"A little," she nodded, lying. She was exhausted. She always was. "I didn't get much sleep today," she smiled up at him.

"Aw, did you miss me?" he messed with her hair playfully as he came to stand beside her. She stiffened, not because of his proximity but because of the truth in his joke. She really did miss this; talking to him and being out of her bedroom. "Let's go to bed. We both need the rest," he murmured quietly, patting her arm twice before turning towards the doorway and leaving his shirt behind without waiting for Sage; knowing she'd follow.

They silently walked upstairs, passing Elliot's door in their usual routine so that he could lock her in her own room safely. Sage watched him slip the key from his pocket. It was usually around his neck, but he had probably moved the chain for safekeeping when he was at the hospital. Elliot slid the bronze-colored metal into the door, and then she grabbed his wrist before she even knew why.

"What's wrong?" he asked immediately, feeling the urgency pouring off of her as her thin fingers curled above his hand and held on tightly and her eyes watched the floor.

"I… Could I m-maybe stay w-with you tonight?"

It didn't take much effort to sound nervous because she completely was, but the idea was also practiced in the mere seconds after she latched onto his arm. It was as if her body knew this was an opportunity before her mind confirmed it, and then they both worked together to formulate a sudden plan. It was all about gaining Elliot's trust.

She had started that by declaring her love and pushing away the need to hate him, but she had to move forward because she wasn't getting anywhere leaving everything where it was. The only plan she had was to just try; try anything that would work or anything that seemed like it would lean the odds in her favor in the end. Making a proposal like this and seeing the way his face lit up with shock and emotion told her that this was one of those rare moments that had the possibility to really change things. The outcome was a mystery, but so was everything else. She was flying blind, and she just had to take risks.

"In my room? With me?" he tried to clarify, dumbfounded by the abrupt idea. It was only something that ever happened in his dreams. It never really came true, but here it was; standing right in front of him nodding with a small smile. "Um, o-okay," he mumbled, slipping the key out of the lock and back around his neck. Sage noticed he had used his injured shoulder the whole time. It wasn't bothering him at all.

Elliot was never physically weak, and that would be a problem. He overpowered her in every way possible, but she could still try to gain the emotional upper hand. After all of their months together here, something told Sage that emotions played a bigger role with Elliot than she ever thought. There was always so much more hiding behind the brutal violence and sadistic words. Somewhere in there, that weak little boy that lost his parents and searched for love was standing and waiting to be met. She needed to get to him.

As he moved back down the hall, Sage followed Elliot to his room and stepped inside. She hadn't been in there since the first time, and her eyes immediately went to the desk; stupidly hoping that the picture of Kendall would somehow be out in her line of sight. Of course, it wasn't, and her spirit faltered slightly at the image of the bed she knew she'd have to get into without a fight.

She could really use the power Kendall always seemed to give her right now. Nothing compared to it. Nothing truly compared to him.

Sage stood awkwardly, flinching a little when she heard Elliot close the door behind her and lock it from the inside. It wasn't with a key, and it was probably just a reflex or precaution on her stepfather's part. It was a simple lock on the handle that she could turn right now if she wanted to, but that didn't stop the wave of panic from making her feel like she was supposed to yell, cry, or throw up. She had never been trapped in such a small place that wasn't her own bedroom. She knew those four walls of hell very well, but Elliot's room was relatively new to her, and it made her uncomfortable to be boxed in.

The large bed in front of her wasn't helping matters any.

Elliot kicked off his shoes and socks, choosing to leave his pants on so he wouldn't freak her out. He wasn't stupid. He knew that she was afraid of him. He knew what he had done in the past and the affect that it would have, but he wanted her to be comfortable now. If she was going to make an effort, then he was going to make it as easy as possible, but he didn't realize her deep issue with the bed.

It wasn't hers, but, as it turns out, that didn't matter at all. It still made the bile rise into her throat and her spine itch with the need to curl in on herself and cry and hide until the world stopped spinning. She inched forward, grinding her teeth and taking deep breaths while she watched Elliot shift a few pillows around. He sat on the half closest to the door so she would be between him and the windows. She didn't know if that was his usual spot or if it was so she didn't have a direct line to the exit. Either way, she didn't really care at the moment. The bed was a bed no matter which side she was on, and she couldn't even think about trying to run when she felt this dizzy and her legs felt so immobile.

"You can lay down, Sweetie," Elliot whispered calmly, trying to give her a small smile when he saw her hesitation. He moved the covers aside and patted the mattress beside him. He remained in a sitting position with his injured arm on his lap, hoping that she'd feel more comfortable if he didn't lie down yet.

Sage took a calming breath and cleared her mind completely, attempting to tell herself that she could do this. She could get in the bed if that's what was best. She needed to do it for herself and for Kendall, or she may never get out. If she didn't do this for Elliot, he'd know that her heart wasn't in what she said about loving him, and she didn't even want to think about what the repercussions would be if he knew what was really going on inside of her head. The doubt would probably kill him, and that idea made her feel sympathy towards him again.

Elliot wanted her to return his feelings more than anything, and she gave him that falsely. She was using it against him. It was cruel, but a lot of things were. There was no right thing to do.

She closed her eyes and climbed into the bed beside Elliot, settling her head against the pillows while facing him without missing a beat. She had to do it fast or she'd scream. When she felt the sheets and fabric on her body, she had to swallow everything down; the fear, the pain, the memories. It all disappeared until she was eerily numb and staring blankly at Elliot as he slowly stretched out next to her.

They watched each other for a silent moment, both thinking something needed to be said or that something was supposed to happen. He studied her like he expected her to be in pain, and she really was, but he couldn't see it because of the impressive mask of indifference she was giving him. She was better at all of this than she was giving herself credit for, or maybe Elliot was just an easy target; more vulnerable than anyone imagined.

"Do I have to worry about you?" he spoke so softly that she probably wouldn't have heard him if they weren't lying completely still, but his voice made her jump to focus on him. Elliot's brown eyes darted towards the door across the room and then back down at her. "Will you stay?" he added, shifting on his pillows so that his head was fully facing her with an expression of sheer innocence and fragility.

It was in that moment that Sage knew what her next move would be, and it would stay with her forever.

"I'm staying."

It seemed like those words meant a lot more to Elliot than she even knew. To him, it sounded like confirmation that she was there on her own free will. She wanted to be in the house with him. She wanted to be beside him. She wanted to be his.

Him believing that was a good thing. Sage felt his weight settle with relaxation and a wide smile, and she knew that she was getting him right into the position she wanted him in; one that was comfortable and off-guard.

Sage made sure the numbness was settled into her chest before she moved at all, needing to be confident that she was prepared for this next part. She scooted closer to him, being careful by his shoulder as she reached her hand up to the back of his head. Elliot was about to protest and question what she was doing, but all words were cut off when she pulled him into a kiss.

Gearing up and making the choice to sleep with Elliot willingly wasn't something that she ever pictured herself doing.

Now, she compared it to the dreadful scenario of being forced to choose between saving only one of two of your close family members in peril. It was something you had to do to survive and make the best outcome for the most people. It wasn't easy, and no choice would ever fully be right. No choice would ever be fully understandable.

After everything Sage had seen, been through, and felt, this choice was the only one that seemed right at the moment. It was the only one that felt progressive, like it might actually get her somewhere. It was necessary because, right now, she couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. She had made it out of her room, but she was still trapped.

This would build trust, and trust would lead to the way out.

Elliot kissed her back once he realized what was happening, gasping against her lips when she wasn't pulling away or stiffening beneath his hands in fear. It was startling and exhilarating to have the love of his life willingly be intimate after so many years of turmoil. This was the moment that he wanted everything to lead up to. It made all of his harmful work seem like it had a purpose; like it lead to this beautiful first real kiss.

It was what all of his dreams were made of.

It was what composed all of Sage's nightmares.

She moaned for affect when his tongue traced her lower lip, feeling disgusted and small when she felt it in her own mouth, but she ignored it and continued forward without emotion. Her actions were instinctual and fast; trying to get this over with as quick as humanly possible while still giving him the experience of "love making".

When his free hand slid across her back and pulled her closer, she didn't protest even though every part of her body was crying and shouting for her to struggle. There was also a part that told her to stay completely still and take what he was giving her; almost imagining the long forgotten knife against her pale skin as he drew crimson blood that flowed onto the sheets below, but there was no weapon. She was doing this freely, and that was probably the most difficult part of it all. She didn't want this, but she had to act like she did.

Sage just hoped that she was as good of a liar as Elliot had been in their first years together.

She let his tongue roll around hers while she focused on the next step; keeping everything as strategic as possible. If she treated it like a game, maybe she wouldn't really feel it. She avoided his shoulder and climbed on top of him, straddling his waist with her legs bracketing his hips. To work him up further, Sage thrust downward only to realize that she didn't need to push him at all. Just their kissing had him aroused and ready, and the feeling of his bulge against the skin of her thigh made her jump with the need to cry, but she recovered quickly; using the way her body lurched forward as an excuse to buck right back against his erection so he wouldn't think anything of the movement. Even though there were a billion doubts and fears going through her mind right now, Elliot didn't need to know that. This needed to be perfect for him.

She pulled her mouth away from his to breathe, not because she was struggling from the kiss but because the panic was constricting her lungs. To hide it, she buried her face in the crook of his neck while he trailed his lips against her cheek and gripped gently at her sides when she kept moving her body.

"Sage…" he whispered airily, clutching the fabric of her shirt in his hands out of the need for more. She was driving him crazy, and his mind was running rapidly. This was happening quicker than he ever imagined, but, then again, it had been nearly a year of work, and he wasn't going to question a miracle.

"Do you have a condom?" Sage mumbled into his neck, still attempting to propel this forward as fast as possible. If she were still on birth-control pills like before she could be halfway to the end, but she wasn't going to be upset about that. The one thing Elliot would never get was her without boundaries. That luxury would always belong to Kendall.

The thought of her boyfriend made Sage smile and her heartbeat slow down to a pace that wouldn't make her pass out. In the past, he could make her calm down with a single touch or look, and that was still true now. She used the image of him in Hollywood to keep her grounded between reality and fantasy. A mixture of both was the most effective. Staying in total fantasy would take her away from her task, but living in complete reality would drive her crazy. Keeping all of her focus on Elliot would undoubtedly make her lose her grip.

"Nightstand."

She almost missed her stepfather's answer while thinking about Kendall, but she caught it before he could notice her hesitance. Sage pulled away, reaching over to the nightstand closest to them; knowing that's where the condoms would be. That's where Elliot kept them in her room.

After grabbing one in her shaky hand, she leaned back up and made quick work of his belt and fly. Elliot was breathing heavily, his abs expanding and contracting below her while he reached out to touch her arms. He needed to hold onto something before it all disappeared like Sage kept wishing it would.

When she took his erect member into her hand, her mind completely shut down and pushed away anything that told her to stop. She couldn't turn back now. She had to keep running forward or she'd fall completely. Tearing the condom open with her teeth and tossing the package aside, she rolled it onto Elliot quickly and ignored the groan he let out and the way his hips bucked because of her touch. She moved back up his body, resting one hand on his good shoulder while reaching between them to move aside her underwear. There was no reason that she needed to be completely naked. That was too much intimacy. She wouldn't give him that.

Elliot helped her onto him with a grunt, watching the way she sank down until her hips were flush against his own.

When he entered her, it hurt because she wasn't ready.

She'd never be ready.

Sage whined in pain but clenched her teeth and sealed her lips to pass it off as a moan of approval, which Elliot obviously took. The fabric of her shirt covered the view of their connection, but his hands still snaked beneath it so they rested on the bare skin of her thighs as she started to shift forward and back, up and down. She increased her speed once she got her bearings, leaning forward to hide her face in his neck again. She knew that, as this continued, she'd probably be frowning, and he couldn't see that.

Elliot felt himself approaching ecstasy quickly; totally swept up in the emotions of this moment. He had so many, while Sage had none. He had been waiting his entire life for this second where everything felt like it could be okay. Having Sage was it for him. It was everything. With her willingly having sex with him, he had reached the point that so many people hope for; the point of near perfect happiness.

Perfection was rare, and Elliot was no exception to the rule. This wasn't nearly as good as it seemed, but he didn't notice. Unlike Sage, he was slipping completely into the fantasy.

She continued working him with her body bucking back and forth, trying to ignore her own discomfort to bring him to his release. At this point, Elliot's happiness was all that mattered. It's the only thing that might get her somewhere. As he got closer, she remembered that it was supposed to be mutual; gripping his good arm tighter and forcing herself to make small noises that she hoped sounded like she was enjoying herself.

When Elliot came, she was grateful for their position and his shoulder. She was in control for the most part and got to decide how quickly to fake her own orgasm and roll away from him. Sage kissed him again, hating the gesture even more than the first time. She had shared a loving kiss with Kendall so many times after they made love. It was supposed to be a pleasurable action of mutual affection, but now it was contaminated. Kissing was yet another thing Elliot spoiled for her.

"I love you," she murmured with closed eyes, not because she was tired but because she didn't want to see Elliot. If she saw the way he was looking at her, then she wouldn't be able to pretend she was saying the words to Kendall.

"I love you too, Sage," Elliot whispered back immediately, pressing another kiss into her forehead with a content and sleepy smile.

She tried to force herself into slumber, knowing it would be a long night if she didn't. There was no way Elliot would even attempt to sleep himself if she wasn't out like a light first, not when she wasn't locked in her room. His arm wrapped around hers for safekeeping, and she was sure that he was looking for more reassurance; being more insecure than anyone thought. Sage plastered a grin on her face, still keeping her eyes shut, and rolled onto her side so that she hugged his arm with both of hers and rested her head on the pillows so it wasn't touching his injured shoulder.

She settled into the bed when she felt him finally do the same, trying to ignore the way the mattress caressed her like knives. She didn't want to be there, preferring the floor over the furniture that made her feel like dying, but she had to stay. Just like the sex, it was another bullet to bite.

Sage had to be just as good of an actor as Elliot was. She needed to be a pro, and she needed to do it fast. That meant shutting down until there was nothing but the sound of her breathing and her heart thumping in her chest as she fell into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

The next morning, Sage jumped out of the bed as soon as Elliot was awake and moving around the room. He was gathering clothes; still shirtless with only his undone pants on his legs.

"Hey, you're awake," he smiled instantly when he saw her climbing off of the mattress. He didn't seem to notice the way she glared at the sheets before finally looking at him with her own smile.

It scared her how real it felt on her face.

"Do you wanna go shower, and then we'll have breakfast?" he wondered happily, a cheery tone lacing his voice no matter what he said. Last night's plan had definitely won him over a little bit. He had been in a good mood for weeks, but this didn't even compare to that now.

Sage could only nod, and she was locked up in her room thirty seconds later while Elliot took a shower of his own. She walked quickly to the bathroom and stepped into the tub, almost feeling filthier than the first time she was raped. This was different than back then. As she scrubbed at her body rapidly, she could feel the guilt tainting her entire form. Telling Elliot "no" when he wanted her always made her feel a little better even when he took her anyway, but now she had initiated the sex and gave it to him willingly. It may not have been out of love, but she still did it, and she'd have to deal with the repercussions. There would be so many, but disgust was the most prominent right now. She hated herself for doing it, and she hated having to do it in the first place; wondering why she was forced into this situation. She started to think she must have been a serial killer in a past life and this was her punishment because merely thinking that fate sent her here made her mad at the world.

It was easier to stay numb, and that's exactly what she was when she looked at the mirror.

Her appearance was much healthier compared to what it had been before the change in her attitude. She was eating more and getting out of her room, and her body showed the positive affects it had. She looked less fragile. However, she still felt small and powerless even after what she had done the night before. Taking control had given her some clout, but it didn't make her the ruler. She hadn't won yet, but at least Elliot was starting to trust her more. He had let her spend the entire night out of her room, and that was definitely progress.

Sage got dressed quickly, taking a moment to push back tears when she saw Kendall's hoodie in her bottom drawer. She took in its scent once before burying it in the back. She didn't want to see it, and she didn't want to wear it. She couldn't have the cherished fabric touch her body. She was tainted now.

Once they were both done getting ready, Elliot and Sage wandered down to the kitchen for breakfast. He had eggs and toast waiting for her at the table, and she shifted right into her pleasant-mode; the one where the world was bright and sunny and she wasn't a prisoner. It was the one that made Elliot feel the safest, so she practiced it a lot.

After a smile of thanks, they ate in silence. Neither was sure if they were supposed to discuss the night before, and Sage thought Elliot would definitely bring it up, but the topic shifted to one she was sure he was going to avoid. Apparently, their intimacy had brought up his insecurities of the past.

"Do you miss Kendall?" his voice was low, and when she looked at him in shock she could see that he wasn't angry. He appeared nervous about her answer, like he already knew it, and she couldn't lie. For the most part, she didn't do that anymore with Elliot.

Sage hesitated, gripping her glass of orange juice as she searched for the right way to phrase her answer. It couldn't be the total truth, because that would definitely make her stepfather angry. There was no way that he wanted to hear her confess her undying love for the boy who he considered his competition.

Elliot jumped back in, seeing the way her expression was shifting as she thought. He didn't want her to think that he was trying to corner her.

"I wouldn't really blame you if you did. Honestly, I liked the guy," he chuckled nervously, knowing his declaration sounded insane and smiling a little wider when Sage scoffed and raised a brow at him. "It's true! I respected that kid… I tried everything to make him go away. I tormented his family, I beat the shit out of him, turned the town against him, and he still stayed… He stayed for you until he couldn't anymore…"

Elliot spoke with nothing but respect, an odd contrast to his usual disgust for the boy, and it made Sage's face light up in pride. Kendall really was strong. He was perfect for her. Now that she knew the real Elliot, it made sense for him to like her boyfriend. Kendall treated her like Elliot had always wanted to; with care and passion coming from a lover and not a father-figure.

"Yeah, I miss him a lot sometimes… but he's in the past. He's moved on, and I have to do the same," she smiled warmly, feeding Elliot what he wanted to hear. After he was sure that Kendall moved to Hollywood in an effort to move beyond Sage, he had believed it wholeheartedly. He truly thought that there was no one else out there for her now, but she knew better.

Kendall may have been a part of her past, but he was also a big piece of the future.

She just didn't know exactly how that would all happen yet.

The smile she was giving Elliot felt genuine on her face. Being numb to it was working for now, but she wasn't sure how long she'd be able to keep it up. The numbness was paired with smiles and conversation so much that, eventually, they would become the norm; not the game. She couldn't even see it happening, but being near Elliot comfortably was beginning to shift from an act to her life.

Sage was determined to make it through this even stronger than when she started, but the process was a long mystery.

When she got out, would she still be the same person Kendall fell in love with?

* * *

**A/N: REVIEW PLEASE! Next chapter is the "season two finale" of PTS! :D We're getting super close to a reunion, and I hope you're excited to see how it all plays out :D Also, remember, that this story is still only a little more than half over ;)  
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**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled, so you can still review even if you don't have an account :D Come say hi! :)... another thing really quick: I've been hearing about site ERRORS that won't let people post sometimes. So, if I ever disappear, I'm not gone forever. I'm just fighting to put up the chapter lol :D  
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	31. Big Time Escape

**A/N: .. Yes, the title of the chapter means exactly what you think it means :D and it's a longer one… for good reason… ;)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**Shoutout: ****Go read**_ Surfergal23_**'s fantastic story Hooked. It's a Kendall/OC :)**

**_-waterwicca_**

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_CHAPTER 31: BIG TIME ESCAPE_

* * *

What were normal teenagers supposed to do in the middle of May?

There were always exciting graduation parties, summer plans, college choices, and the magical evening that should be prom, but Sage had none of that. She had a stepfather-turned-pretend-boyfriend and absolutely nothing else to call her own. She was alone and isolated from the world, but that didn't stop her from fantasizing.

Her birthday was approaching rapidly, which meant she'd be eighteen. That was supposed to be a big moment in her life. She was supposed to be with Kendall forever starting that very day. She was supposed to be free from Elliot. She was supposed to be happy.

So many things were _**supposed**_ to happen, but they were all high hopes; crafted from fictional and wild imaginings of a young girl in love. This, being in a small prison with only one reformed monster to call her companion, was the reality she had to deal with. Keeping a brave face helped. It slowed the process of her heart growing numb too because, on the outside, that's all she was. She was nothing, and she couldn't afford to try to be someone. It would hurt too much, and there were already overwhelming amounts of pain constantly rattling her bones; pain from a lover misplaced and pain from a lover gained without true yearning but, instead, with an arsenal of fake expressions on her behalf.

The real problem, the real agony, was when she pleased Elliot so effortlessly that she lost who she was. She used to hate the man with every cell in her body, but things had changed. She almost considered them friends, and that would be more than enough for her to cope with, but she had to add sex to the mix. It was part of the fantasy Elliot needed her to create for him. Full trust wouldn't come without it. He couldn't trust someone who looked at him with apprehension and fear, so she pushed such feelings away with most of the other negative emotions in her heart. They all had to be buried because she couldn't just do things halfway. He'd notice that. Elliot may have unlocked his vulnerable side along with her door, but that didn't mean he was an idiot. However, that did mean the once unbreakable young man had a soft spot.

Sage was his power and his weakness. She controlled everything even when it seemed as though she had no authority. Just like Kendall, she made Elliot's world spin 'round; so much influence for a girl that felt like she didn't even have the strength to stand on her own two legs sometimes. Keeping up the charade was so hard lately that it was just easier on her unstable spirit to believe in the lie; believe that she was here on her own free will. Of course, she knew that it wasn't true, but telling herself that it was a fact made her body calm down in the certain times she the need to cry and give up completely.

Now was one of those times.

It had been another several weeks since declaring her false love for Elliot and nothing had changed other than the relationship between them. The sexual encounters were probably the most difficult to stomach. They never happened unless she initiated them, but she knew when it was necessary. She could feel the tension between them when Elliot was testing her; testing the limits to see if their first real time wasn't a fluke. It was almost adorable how lost he was without her dictating everything, but he took over in the bedroom once she started things. That was rough for her; having the man who raped her repeatedly hovering above her again and expecting to see her reciprocating his own feelings. Every day became like this; the pair treating one another like lovers and family members so much that Sage nearly forgot what she was supposed to actually feel. Therefore, she settled on feeling nothing.

She sat on the floor in her room, her back pressed against the door and her eyes glued to the space between the bars on the windows; watching the sky mold pinks and oranges together as the sun prepared to set. When her stepfather was around, it was easier to fill her mind with thoughts that wouldn't haunt her for hours on end. When she was alone like this, it got almost suffocating.

Sage picked at the hem of her shorts, observing the small scar on her thigh with a scowl as she continued her attempt to tug the fabric low enough to cover it only to watch the clothing spring back up when she moved her leg an inch. She tried not to think about where the scar came from, but that proved as difficult as distracting herself. The scars never went away. Even if she couldn't see them, they were there, and they burned with a phantom ache almost every night; as if her skin was reliving the evenings of her numerous tortures without her mind's consent.

With Elliot at work, and not due home for another hour, Sage sighed heavily and lifted herself off of the ground. She headed for the bathroom, nearly hugging the wall and her dresser on the trek. She was still avoiding the bed. Yes, she was forced to share one with Elliot at night, but that didn't mean anything to her. The Sage with him in that bed would never be the girl she really was; scared of stupid furniture meant for comfort and sleeping after experiencing too many traumatic nights beneath her stepfather and his knife nearly a year ago. When she saw the mattress, fear still crept up her spine and bile rose in her throat, but she had her avoidance of it almost down to a science. With a wide-eyed glare at the bedding, she inched along the edge of her room slowly; her body always leaning subconsciously in the other direction until she made it into the bathroom.

Over the last year, the small room with a shower/tub combo, sink, and medical supplies in the cabinets had become somewhat of a sanctuary. She spent hours curled up and attempting sleep in the bathtub or sitting on the tiny floor mat below the sink as she wrote in one of her notebooks. It wasn't much to be happy about, but there was no bed, and that was all she could ask for at the moment. Through the doorway that led to her room, she could still see the top of her mattress as she rested her palms against the cool marble counter. Sage shook her head, swallowing the anxiety and looking for the nearest solution. The door didn't have a lock, but it certainly provided a decent barrier from the fearful view. She slammed it shut and calmed down considerably when her enclosed space became even smaller.

A long time ago, she had yearned for open spaces and fresh air beyond her prison, but now the thought of being free was a little frightening in itself. The stuffy atmosphere and minimal walking room was all she knew, and the idea of changing that, changing the routine her body had grown accustomed to, was almost as scary as never getting out at all.

Sage sighed for a second time, feeling the boredom trying to break down the carefully crafted walls around her mind and heart. When she got antsy, she got depressed, and she wasn't in the mood for that. She was tired in general; tired of not sleeping soundly, tired of being sad on the inside, and tired of starting to believe that there was nothing left for her to do.

While thinking about Kendall, the only image that could ever seem to soothe her, Sage immediately relaxed and began roaming the small bathroom with no intention other than to kill time. She thought about going back out to get a notebook, the desire to write making her fingers twitch, but she dismissed the notion. She had been composing more songs lately, or at least scribbling random lyrics and notes purely from her mind without access to a piano or guitar, but the effort and stress of opening the door and walking past the bed outweighed her craving to pen anything. Staying in the bathroom for a while felt like her best option at remaining impassive. She always pretended with Elliot, but, occasionally, she wanted to pretend with herself too; pretend she wasn't held captive here and that she may just be a normal girl.

She found herself opening the drawers and cabinets even though she already memorized everything that was in there during her lengthy amounts of time in the tiled room. She bypassed all of the medical supplies, frowning as she attempted to imagine she never had to use them and that they were just there for emergencies. In reality, she had utilized them often in the early months of her captivity when Elliot hurt her with the blade or his hands. Antibiotic ointment and rolls of gauze and bandages littered the medicine cabinet and the lower shelves on the walls, so she turned her attention to the bottom drawers below the sink.

Her old makeup was still where she kept it, various cosmetics and applicators stuffed to the brim of the lower compartments beneath the faucet. She was never one for wearing too much makeup by choice, but the substances had once been a part of her daily life with Kendall when they had to go to school. If she didn't cover the bruises, then suspicion and speculation would rise; giving her attention that she desperately avoided.

Sage picked up a bottle of pale foundation, sitting with her legs crossed and her back against the cabinet doors as she rifled through her old supplies. The thick cream had once concealed every piece of evidence of Elliot's abuse, and she had gotten so good at expertly applying it until even Kendall had trouble seeing where the marks had been. She bit her lip, thinking for a moment as she eyed a faded scar on her forearm. It wasn't nearly as evident as the one on her chest or thigh, but it was still there since the night Elliot had made it. The skin was mostly healed and blended well, making her think that she must not have struggled too much when it was made.

Deciding that it would be too easy to cover up, Sage chose to address the darker one on her thigh; looking for more of a challenge to soak up time before Elliot was due to arrive home and save her from her boredom, which was just about the only thing he did that improved the stability of her sanity. She twisted the cap off of the bottle and hummed a soft tune that ran through her mind as she dug a small sponge out of the drawer beside her. After pressing a bit of the skin-colored cream onto it, she smoothed the applicator over the dark line on her leg. She had to apply it thickly, continuing to hum as she worked. It was probably five long minutes before she realized that it was never going to be concealed.

Sage didn't even know she was crying until the tears dripped down onto the canvas that she had made of her leg and the song caught in her throat with her breath.

The makeup had always worked in the past, but it was purely cosmetic; superficial and decorative. The sickening line in her skin blended in with the rest of the color of her thigh, but it was still raised, and she could still feel it burning the more she stared at it with malice. Sage bit her lip again, this time pressing harder as she forced herself to stop crying. There was no use in doing it if it didn't get her anywhere, which being depressed certainly hadn't. She had to stay strong.

Taking deep breaths until her eyes stopped stinging and she could no longer hear her heartbeat in her head, Sage pushed away the sorrow as quick as it came; completely shutting down before going back to nonchalance as she tilted her head and swallowed the lump in her throat. She tossed the foundation into the drawer, deeming it a lost cause, and set her sights on other things.

With a strong desire to keep her mind and hands busy so that she could avoid another breakdown, she started to gather a few supplies. She crawled to the wall closest to the door and plugged in an old curling iron that was buried beneath the eye shadow, mascara, and a handheld mirror. While it heated up, she pressed her shoulders back into the counter and began applying a thin swipe of black eyeliner to both of her eyes; using the small mirror to see what she was doing. Looking into the tiny frame allowed her to breathe a little easier compared to when she was met with her entire reflection above the sink. As she ditched the eyeliner and started to apply a bit of mascara to her top lashes, Sage let herself smile softly and tried to pretend that she was getting ready to go to prom with Kendall. Neither one of them were ever into school functions after the dirty looks they, or rather Sage, would get during the day, but she just knew for a fact that her boyfriend would force her to go to her prom with his adorable smirk and reassuring hands caressing circles into her hips.

She finished her eyes with a tint of dark green shadow, her smile never leaving her face as she resumed the song she had been humming and chose to completely ignore the scar on her thigh. If she avoided making eye contact with the spot and just kept it in her peripheral vision, then it was almost as if it didn't exist. She chucked the mirror and makeup back into the drawer and picked up the curling iron off of the floor, holding her palm above it to make sure it was warm. She hadn't ever used the thing much, but there was still about twenty minutes before Elliot was due to come home for the evening, and messing around with her hair seemed like a better use of her time compared to staring out the window or avoiding her bed.

Sage put loose curls into the ends of her long blonde hair, blindly doing it by holding strands in front of her chest. With no product and the naturally straight texture of her locks, the curls weren't holding well, but she didn't mind at all; merely doing as much as she could before combing them out so that her tresses had just a bit more texture and volume than they normally would. When she was done, she ripped the cord of the iron from the wall and placed the tool on the counter to cool off just in time to hear the front door shut with a satisfying thud.

She leapt off of the floor with a relieved sigh, not even bothering to take in her full appearance before hurrying back into her room. The urgency in her step ceased when she opened the bathroom door and saw the bed, causing her to slow down and avoid it carefully until she stood anxiously by her locked door; listening to Elliot slip the key in with a smooth and practiced motion.

"Hi," she spoke immediately, letting him wrap her in a hug after the door swung open.

"Hey," Elliot grinned giddily, kissing the top of her head before taking her hand in his and leading her downstairs.

It was almost as if he wanted her to be down there with him as much as she wanted to be out of her room. Actually, it was a fact. Neither of them wanted to be alone if they didn't have to be.

Sage wordlessly followed him with a smile gracing her lips as she descended the stairs, feeling slightly better now that her prison extended down into the main floor. She was happy to see that the door was shut securely, not even liking the feeling of anxiety that brewed in her gut when she got close. It was as if she was sure the wooden rectangle could hurt her if it was approached without caution. So, like the bed, she avoided it if she could. It felt like playing with fire; like she knew it would make Elliot's new attitude shift if she let her desire for escape show on her features. She was too frightened on the inside to see what that shift would mean. She almost enjoyed her time with this new man; the one who took care of her, and she didn't want to agitate the new and precarious balance that was developing.

After they reached the foyer, Elliot let go of Sage's hand and continued to watch her with a smile when he saw her eyes light up at the new bag on the coffee table in the living room. She strolled over to it, peeking into the white plastic with a curious expression.

"Movies?" she grinned and raised a slim brow at him, straightening her posture and shoving her hands into the back pockets of her shorts.

"Yeah, I figured you'd enjoy them… You haven't seen any of them, have you?" Elliot asked nervously, seeming as if he didn't want to disappoint her. Sage rolled her eyes and peered into the bag again.

"If they were released within the last year, no, I haven't," she answered casually, not realizing the accusation in her words until they were already out of her mouth. She looked up at her stepfather, whose lips had turned down into a frown while his eyes were glued to the floor. "Sorry," she murmured, sounding embarrassed by the declaration.

She shouldn't have been the one apologizing, but she did it anyway. Nothing made much sense anymore.

Familiarity breeds complacency, and Sage was getting dangerously close to reaching that point. Things were easy and comfortable with Elliot now that she truly knew him and was relaxed around him. If she just gave up the last bit of resistance in her heart, then she could almost be at complete peace, but that wouldn't be real. It would be a false sense of satisfaction and calmness. She had to keep reminding herself of that, especially in times like these; when Elliot would look at her with absolute innocence, care, and understanding.

"It's not your fault," he shook his head immediately, almost appearing saddened by her apology. After a quiet moment, his expression brightened again, and his smile was back. It looked so effortless on his face. "I ordered Chinese food on the way home. It should be here any minute," he changed the subject, reaching into his pocket to fish out his wallet.

"Not very healthy," Sage teased him lightly, smirking and calming down when he did. They fed off of each other's moods like two parts to one whole. Elliot rolled his eyes and moved into the room with her, settling down on the chair in front of where she was standing.

"Yeah, well, I got shot last month. I can live a little," he complained playfully, pausing his work on his wallet so he could pat his shoulder for good measure. It had healed quickly and completely, and he never even took his pain medication. Elliot was physically strong.

He glanced back up at her with a wide smile, his eyes roaming her face.

"You look pretty," his smile softened, admiring her for a moment as his hands cradled his wallet in his lap. Sage faltered, her mouth opening and closing before she could think of how to respond. Compliments from Elliot never ceased to fluster her because she wasn't sure how she was supposed to feel.

When he spoke like that, he sounded similar to Kendall; honesty and care in each syllable no matter how simple the phrase.

"Thanks…" she mumbled and shrugged out of modesty. She almost forgot that she even messed around with the makeup. "I was bored," she offered in explanation, licking her lips with a calming breath.

"Hence, the movies," Elliot grinned, pointing to the bag like he could read the restlessness on her. "You didn't feel like writing?" he asked after a second of thought, glancing up at her with concern as he finally started to flip open his wallet. They had bonded enough for him to know about her passion for music. It was something that was always there since he met her and Julia, but he had never addressed it until recently; until he wanted her to be at home with him.

"It's hard to do it just on paper," Sage rationalized quietly, knowing that there were more reasons as to why she chose not to write. The bed and the enclosing space of her room were two of the biggest.

"Actually, that reminds me of something I wanted to talk to you about," Elliot's smile was back full force before it weakened with a sigh and a glance at the clock once he had searched through his wallet, "but first, could you do me a favor?"

Sage stiffened, thinking that it couldn't be anything good, but reminded herself to breathe and smile as she nodded.

"I'm a little low on cash for the takeout. Could you go up to the safe in my room and get some while I try to figure out the DVD player?" he wondered nonchalantly, not detecting her discomfort and already eyeing the electronics below the television like a puzzle.

The house had never really been a place for entertainment, and he got rid of the cable and phone line as soon as he started letting Sage downstairs. It was easier for her not to be able to see any news reports or things connecting to the outside world. He wanted her to just rely on their own little one like he did. Ordering food or bringing some premade things home were also commonplace. He disposed of any sharp silverware in the kitchen, essentially making the house a safe zone. It was difficult to tell if it was more for Sage's benefit or for his own.

"You want me to do it?" she sounded astonished, not ever believing that Elliot would give her any power so easily, but, then again, it seemed to arrive in waves once she broke down the first barrier. She shouldn't have been so surprised, but she was. She always was.

"Sure," he raised and lowered his shoulders as if he thought it was no big deal. "It's your money too," he added with a smile and a tilt of his head, appearing as though he was amused by her shock. "The code is 0527," he gave her the crucial information like it was nothing, and she couldn't stop herself from rolling her eyes when she realized the combination to the safe was her birthday.

Without another word, Sage left him to set up the DVD player while she went upstairs. She still had trouble fathoming how lenient he seemed lately. His millions had been a secret, or at least an undisclosed fact, for years, and now he was sharing the money with her like they never had any issues. The safe in his bedroom was something that he always kept private, but that privacy was apparently fading for both of them.

Elliot trusted her wholeheartedly now.

That would be his biggest mistake.

After years of planning and hard work, he'd lose everything because he gave in fully to the emotions. He was weak like every other human on the planet. His soft spot was just harder to unearth, but Sage had managed to find it. It was easy for her. She herself was the weakness, and she had to figure out the best way to exploit that. As of now, she hadn't gotten far; only deeper into the seemingly endless sea of gray she had taken a dive into the night she slept with him willingly.

When she reached the top of the steps, Sage suddenly felt cold and shaky as she was faced with approaching Elliot's room. She had never been in there alone before, and now he was sending her there like it wasn't out of the ordinary. Normally, whenever she was in the room, the focus was always on Elliot's actions and reactions or trying to force herself to fall asleep and forget that she was in a bed. When she inched through the doorway, she was instantly jumpy, but there was also a tingle of anticipation deep down. This was a new opportunity. Was there a possibility that she could find something that would lead to her freedom?

Sage was starting to wake up; the numbness fading as curiosity flowed through her system. She took a trembling breath, forcing herself to focus on her original task first. If she took too long, Elliot would be up to look for her, and suspicion was the last thing she wanted him to have.

She hurried over to the safe behind the desk, kneeling on the hardwood floor and using the heavy cube to lower herself down. She entered the four digits onto the keypad with unsteady fingers and then pulled the small door open. Inside there were random papers. They appeared to be birth certificates and social security cards. Her eyes moved to land on the large stack of money. It was probably a couple thousand dollars in cash, the bills varying between twenties and hundreds. Elliot may have said it belonged to her too, but she still felt awkward even looking at it. She quickly snatched two twenties, feeling the anxiety creeping up her spine and the curiosity dwindling as the need to get out of the room grew. Sage held the money tightly in a sweaty palm, moving to shut the door, but then something in the back of the safe caught her eye.

It was a file labeled "Knight".

Her breath felt like it stopped filling her lungs, and her fingers itched with the need to reach out and take it. She bit her tongue and gripped the money even tighter as she slid her hand back into the safe while her mind ran a million miles a minute. She wondered what the file would contain, thinking back to when she had seen the picture of Kendall in California. That was all she had; a gray scale photograph with no real location. Maybe there would be more information about his exact address. It could revive her; give her more of the hope that had been deteriorating in the last month.

Sage felt the tips of her fingers brush against the manila folder. She tried to shimmy it from its wedged position at the back of the safe, but her attempts were foiled before she made any progress.

"Sage?" Elliot's voice drifted up the stairs and through the hallway, and she could tell just from the sound that he had placed his feet on the bottom step.

"Coming," she called out immediately, mumbling and cursing at herself for not moving faster as she clicked the safe door shut and stood up to hurry out of the room. "Sorry, I kept messing up the frickin' buttons," she giggled lightly when she started to descend the steps, staring at Elliot with an effortless smile; easily covering her previous thoughts.

On the inside, all she could see was that folder. She wanted to get back into the room alone.

"Thanks, I got the DVD player plugged in. Did you know they color-code that shit? A lot easier than I thought," he replied in a happy mood, taking the money from her hand with a kiss to her lips. "Go pick out what you wanna watch."

Sage nodded, keeping the smile on her face the entire time, not even flinching inwardly when he kissed her. She was too busy seeing the folder and the name "Knight" in her eyes. When she came back into focus, realizing that Elliot had gestured her towards the living room and noticing that her feet had already started moving on instinct, she saw that he had unbuttoned the top half of his uniform; revealing the white t-shirt beneath and giving him a more casual appearance, but his belt and gun were still at his waist. She knew why.

Not wanting to cause any anxiety for her stepfather, Sage entered the living room without protest and placed herself on the couch after popping in a random movie; not caring at all what they were going to watch. She turned the volume up loud when she heard the doorbell ring, having grown accustomed to doing it in the last several weeks. When he ordered food for them, Elliot always kept his gun on him. She wasn't sure if it was intentional, but she had her suspicions.

Outsiders anywhere near Sage or the house made him jittery, so she stayed out of sight and ignored the fact that there was someone at the door. It was another trust related issue. Giving him only positive encounters and reassurances had gotten her privileges before, and she wanted to see what boundaries she could continue to stretch. She kept the television loud enough so that she couldn't hear the delivery guy speaking to Elliot at the door. The man was part of the outside world, and she refused to be teased with it.

She knew hearing a stranger's voice might make her call out for help, and she could already imagine Elliot with nothing to lose putting a bullet in the poor boy's head and running off with her. Without this life Sage was giving him, he would have little reason to remain civil to the world. He would most likely hate everyone if he didn't have love, and that was something Sage could almost identify with. If she never had Kendall, she was sure that she'd be a different person; maybe one who didn't care about escape at all.

It was only a few seconds before Elliot had retrieved the food and relocked the front door for good measure, settling down beside Sage on the couch and handing her a container of sweet and sour chicken; knowing it was one of her favorites. She accepted it with a smile, fully returning to her bright and serene disposition when he could see her face again. No matter what was going on in her head, she had to keep up the act. Staying all in was her only way out.

"So, what did you want to talk about?" Sage asked, bringing up his earlier hint and attempting to sound uninterested as she bit into a piece of chicken and leaned back against the arm of the couch with her legs folded beneath her. Her eyes almost went to the foundation-covered scar on her leg, but she directed them to Elliot instead. She had enough to mull over at the moment.

"Oh, right, I almost forgot," her stepfather grinned in excitement, moving so that he sat exactly opposite of her in a mirroring position.

She noticed he had taken his over shirt and gun off, most likely tucking the weapon securely away in the closet. The actual location was never known to her because he never let her out of his sight long enough to observe the deeper parts of her surroundings.

"You're probably getting stir-crazy with nothing to do around here while I'm gone, and I'm sorry about that. I know that you're music is important to you, so I was thinking about getting you a piano," Elliot finished with a triumphant smile as he watched her face light up, her green eyes sparkling with her passion for the instrument. She hadn't played for nearly a whole year now.

"Really?" Sage bit the side of her lip, trying to push away the happy gesture of a smile she was offering him. It felt too real on her face, and that made her disappointed in herself.

It was so easy to get lost in any form of kindness during her captivity. She had experienced so much of it with Kendall in their glorious, life changing time together, but that was a single year in the many that composed her life. It was almost like a fantasy, and the several long years she spent with Elliot were the reality she had to live in. She forced herself to keep remembering that it could change, that she had the power to alter her life, but she was still weak too. She had always been weak before Kendall. He was the one who gave her strength. So, right now, with barely any of that strength left to call her own, humanity from Elliot felt like water in the desert. It was such a treat after all the days she spent crying and cowering beneath him, and that too, in its own twisted way, gave her a bit of strength. She just had to figure out how to fully utilize it.

"Yeah, I know you miss the other one… I shouldn't have gotten rid of it in the first place, but I figured it would be easier without anything of hers around," he had started happily, but his face fell with his eyes.

They both knew the "her" he mentioned was Julia, Sage's mother; the woman he killed for her. The weight of her name was almost literally an enormous elephant in the room. Sage and Elliot talked about most things, even Kendall if she left out a few details and honest feelings, but she never tried to broach this subject. It was too painful, and there was nothing she could do about her mother's death. It was over and done with. Her boyfriend was still alive, and that was something to look forward to. Looking forward was the most important thing she could do.

As the room fell silent except for the beginning advertisements on the DVD in the player, which neither of them had actually looked at yet, Elliot decided to redirect the conversation to where he had previously meant for it to lead.

"Anyway, you can pick out whatever you want when it's time," his cheerfulness was back, searching through the takeout bags until he dug out an egg roll.

"What does that mean?" Sage raised her brow, swallowing down a piece of chicken with a suddenly tight throat.

She wasn't sure that this conversation was going in a direction she liked. It felt as if change was about to come her way, and she didn't know how much more of that she'd be able to handle. She could barely grasp the idea of waking up one more day on the floor of her bedroom or in the arms of the man she never wanted to see again.

"That's the other thing we need to talk about," Elliot grinned from ear to ear, picking at the food in his hands and occasionally taking a bite. "I've been saving all of my money from work and from the settlement years ago when I got out of foster care, and I think it's time to use it… I want us to move away from here and go someplace where no one knows us," he finished softly, almost seeming to drift off into his own thoughts with a content expression.

Sage stayed completely silent, unmoving as her eyes fought not to widen. She had to remain calm. An outburst would mean telling him the truth, and Elliot couldn't have that. She refused to give it to him.

"I was thinking Connecticut or Maine; somewhere in New England. I spent a lot of time up there with foster families growing up… It's beautiful. You'd love it… Maybe it'll even inspire your music," he offered optimistically, his face never faltering because he couldn't see the panic starting to build behind her eyes.

"You're serious?" she wondered aloud, her vision narrowing slightly to gaze directly at him. She had heard his lofty thoughts before, but these weren't just thoughts. They were plans.

"Of course! Think about it, Sweetie. You'll be eighteen really soon, and you can do whatever you want. If we leave, you won't have to hide in the house anymore," he explained excitedly, settling farther back into the couch in relaxation.

He spoke as if being there was Sage's choice, not something that she was forced into. He really had become delusional, so, in theory, the plan was working. It was obvious that he trusted her fully now, but Sage could only think of his new ideas about moving. She couldn't leave. If they start fresh, she might get lost in the delusion too because it was so easy to let herself be numb to anything but breathing. As she considered Elliot's belief that she was there by choice, she started to see the possibility that it was true. Her fears were holding her back from doing anything else. She wanted to just get up and run now more than any moment before, but she also wanted to stay alive.

Despite the panic clawing away at her insides, she remained seated, but placed her food on the coffee table; losing her appetite rather quickly at the new turn of events. She had to stay collected, think, and keep up the charade for Elliot. She never knew she was so skilled at multitasking.

"What do you think?" Elliot asked with a wide smile, doing a little shrug with his shoulders out of pure enthusiasm.

"I think it's a great idea… Starting over sounds perfect," she offered immediately, grinning at him with fabricated excitement. He couldn't tell the difference anymore. He just nodded in eager agreement, taking another bite of his egg roll now that he had gotten a decent reaction from her. She gave him exactly what he was looking for. She had become a good liar, but problems arose when she wasn't sure who she was fooling anymore.

"It'll just be me and you, Sage… I can tell people you're my girlfriend… Maybe you could even teach piano like your mom did. We won't really need the money 'cause we'll be all set from the amount I have saved, so you can do whatever you want, and I'll be able to be home all the time with you…"

Elliot had undoubtedly been dreaming about this for years, but it sounded like one of Sage's nightmares. This whole scenario didn't include Kendall, and that wasn't good enough for her. She deserved something good.

"I'll leave the force, and we'll just be happy… They'll be nothing to worry about," he spoke cheerfully, pivoting in his seat so that he was beside her, and she did the same without hesitation. She had learned pretty quickly to do what he expected her to do. Elliot wrapped an arm around her shoulders and tugged her gently against him.

"Uh, when do we go?" she picked at her food, resisting the strong urge to pull away from his embrace. She didn't want to be touched. She'd rather be locked in her room right now. She needed to think.

"I have to square a few things away with my job and look into housing so we'll be ready to just pick up and move, but I'm thinking next month; a little after your birthday… What do you want anyway?" he changed the subject to gifts casually, not detecting any of the fear suffocating her chest.

What she wanted was to see Kendall and to wake up from this fucking endless nightmare. She's been playing house with her rapist and tormentor, and she had never felt weaker. She almost gave in completely without even noticing it. Just like he always promised, Elliot broke her. Sage thought that she'd keep fighting until she died, but he had wormed his way into her head and gave her a sense of security that never really existed. He loved her, yes, but he wasn't Kendall. He wasn't safe and warm like her real boyfriend. He wasn't innately good like the young man waiting for her in California. Elliot was damaged, and maybe that's why she felt sympathy for him. She was shattered too, and misery loves company, but she had a chance he didn't. She had a chance at something better, and she needed to take it. It's what was best for both of them.

No more complacency.

No more fear.

Just action and plans.

Just Kendall.

"Surprise me, I guess," Sage shrugged and smiled at Elliot before leaning into his side reassuringly.

"I'll think of something," he grinned and reached for the remote to start the movie, not noticing the gears turning in his stepdaughter's head.

Sage needed to make a move, but she would only have one shot. If Elliot started to doubt her, nothing good would come from it. Pretending to keep her attention on the screen while occasionally remembering to eat something, she thought about the next step. It needed to be big but carefully crafted. Even though she wasn't sure of the exact nature of it, she knew that it would be another painful bullet to bite just like sleeping with Elliot was. She needed to do something progressive; something that got her further than where she sat now. She needed to figure out what would get her anywhere but here.

As she felt a headache developing from the speed of the images blurring through her mind, Sage froze on one thought that gave her hope; the safe… the file…Elliot's room.

She needed to get back in there alone, but she'd have to wait for the right opportunity, and she knew the chance was going to be rare if it even happened at all. It would be worth it, though.

It had to be.

* * *

It was almost a full week of anxiety before the opportunity finally presented itself.

Elliot choosing to leave her alone in the house while he worked on his car in the driveway was an absolute fluke, and painfully ironic given that it was what he had been doing the day Kendall had come to see her a year earlier. That was one of the days that changed everything for the young couple, and, hopefully, this would be another one.

Sage was surprised when her stepfather announced that he was stepping outside for a few minutes, but she knew better than to look a priceless gift horse in the mouth. She kissed him goodbye from her seat at the kitchen table, where she had been eating an apple and sipping on water to attempt to calm her body down by giving herself something to do. At that moment, she didn't even care that she had to press her lips against his. That was a small price to pay compared to the possible reward.

As she watched him leave, she couldn't stop the smile and the shake of her head. Elliot was dangerously close to becoming sloppy. The side door was in full view of the driveway, as was the front one, so she couldn't attempt an escape without being noticed, but the fact that he left her alone in the house was enough to both shock and astonish her. He was so comfortable now. It was written all over the way he relaxed around her and settled into her misleadingly intimate touches when she purposefully cuddled with him on the couch or leaned in for a hug without him initiating it first, but she couldn't walk into a trap. Elliot was calmer, but he wasn't senseless. He had spent years keeping control over everything around him, and she wouldn't lose everything in a moment of stupidity. He still eyed her cautiously sometimes when he thought she wasn't paying attention, like he was sure that she'd disappear into thin air if he didn't watch her.

Sage wished she knew some magic tricks. A vanishing act would be a fantastic start.

She'd have to settle for actual effort. There was no easy way out. Every option would have consequences, both predictable and hidden deep beneath the surface.

After she was sure that he was outside for good and that she had a few minutes to herself, Sage dropped her apple into the trash and hurried through the house with light footsteps. She paused at the main door, halting right before she passed it. Elliot had left it open; only the thinner screened door separating her and the porch. From her standing position in the foyer just beyond the line of sunlight from the opening, she could see her stepfather under the hood of his car fiddling with mechanics she'd never comprehend. She was just glad that it was something he knew. If he just sent if off to the repair shop without a second thought, he might have never stepped outside.

Taking a final glance at him, being certain that he wasn't going to turn around any second, Sage darted up the stairs as quietly as she could with adrenaline pumping through her veins along with fretfulness. She had been following Elliot's guidelines for a while now, and she was going to break the trust that she built with him. The possibly catastrophic effects of that alone had her almost reconsidering it, feeling like a small girl in pain again before she realized that she had the control. She could avoid the pain if she got out.

Sage opened his door slowly, making sure it wouldn't squeak even though she knew for a fact that she had never heard it make such a noise before. As soon as it was fully open, she took a deep breath and tried her best to focus. She needed to stay clear and not let the last twelve months of her life drive her actions and instincts, which were all screaming at her to run back downstairs and behave out of self-preservation, but the need for Kendall was stronger. It brought her feet to the safe behind the desk that she had gotten used to staring at in the middle of the nights that Elliot had her in his bed.

She entered the combination quickly, never faltering in her movements once she was absolutely confident in them but also remembering to make as little noise as possible. Every time she took air into her lungs, it sounded too loud. She was positive Elliot could hear it, but she reminded herself that it was paranoia and terror. Her mind wasn't what it used to be.

Pulling the safe door open just as carefully as the door to the room, she peered inside and sent quiet gratitude to whoever was listening when she saw that the folder was still there. A lot changed in a week at the Henderson home, and she had prepared herself for the possibility of the file on Kendall disappearing as Elliot started to gear up for the "big move". She bypassed the large stack of cash, trying not to let her forearm hit it so her presence wouldn't be noticed as she slipped the folder out with a precision she was sure that she'd lack, but, before she knew it, the object was in her hands.

She clutched it to her chest, staring down and swallowing hard when she read the word "Knight" on the tab like it solved the entire world's problems. Sage remembered the time restraint, thinking of Elliot just down the stairs and beyond the porch, and tore the file open with vigor. She smiled but forced herself not to stare longingly at the photo of Kendall right at the front of the stack of papers. There were other pictures sprinkled in, taken from far away just like the first, but she could tell from the date at the bottom that they were older, and they were obviously captured in Minnesota if the snow in the background was any indication. She directed all of her attention to the pages of printed emails between the pictures, ignoring the need to snoop through all of them and only focusing on the latest. The top of the paper was dated the same as the photo of her boyfriend in California, and that immediately piqued her interest.

"_Moved permanently as far as I can tell… Palm Woods Apartments: 2J. He's not coming anywhere near Ramsey."_

The message the investigator left was simple and unsigned except for an email address, but it was more than enough to make tears spring to her eyes. She had a building and a room number. She knew exactly where Kendall was.

"Now what?" Sage whispered the words out loud, rolling her eyes when her own voice startled her before trying to think again and deciding that she needed to search Elliot's room some more. It was the only place in the house that she didn't have full access to, and she was almost certain that the file was his only secret, but that didn't mean it was the only thing that could help her.

She felt the hope reignite inside of her, but the dots weren't all connecting yet. She still needed something else that she wasn't sure of. It was a complete game of chance, but she wanted to play until she reached the end.

Sage took one last longing stare at the image of Kendall before returning it to the file and shoving the folder back into the safe exactly like she found it. After shutting it securely, she stood up and glanced around the room with a worried expression. She wasn't sure where to start, so she opened the top drawer of Elliot's desk. There was nothing special, just pens and random paperclips scattered over empty manila folders. She searched through the second drawer, finding something that caught her attention but didn't shock her all that much considering her stepfather's profession.

In the lower compartment of the desk, there were old medals awarded to him for bravery and excellence, but piled beneath those was also a pair of handcuffs; most likely an old set that Elliot no longer carried. They were tarnished and even a little dusty from sitting untouched for so long. She bit her lip out of frustration; feeling like something was brewing in her skull but unable to fully grasp it. She shut the drawer quietly, still feeling as though any small sound would ruin everything and literally make her heart stop.

Even though she felt like she was pushing her luck, knowing that the minutes were ticking by, Sage redirected her focus with a new enthusiasm, sensing something stirring within her; something like determination. With a quick look at the door, she rushed over to the bed and knelt beside it at the nightstand she never saw the inside of. The other one had the condoms in it, and she was absolutely sure she wouldn't be able to stomach the sight of them right now. It would set back any positive emotional progress she had made.

She leaned away from the mattress at her eyelevel, pushing down the urge to back away from it. The need to advance overpowered her desire to run from the bedding. She pretended that it didn't exist, like it was a figment of her imagination, as she pulled the drawer of the nightstand open. It was filled with junk papers, old bills, and nothing of importance. Right before she felt fully deflated, her digging fingers hit something solid near the bottom of the drawer. She extracted the object from beneath the papers slowly and quietly, settling back onto her heels once it was in her hands.

It was a rectangular wooden box, shiny on the outside and painted in a dark stain. It looked innocent enough, but its contents were much more sinister. She slipped her fingernail into the opening and pulled the two halves apart carefully, revealing the prize inside. It was a knife.

It was _**the**_ knife.

Sage whined in fear and dropped the box to the floor like it burned her palms. The sound was sudden and it felt like it pounded against her eardrums almost as loud as her heart beat. She hadn't seen the blade in months, but the image of it was bringing her back to when everything was out of her control; when her and Elliot's relationship was the farthest from consensual as it could get. The sound of the box clattering to the floor was still echoing throughout the room in her own mind, and she was expecting Elliot to come running into the house as she sat there with short gasps of air passing her lips. She just waited and waited before she realized that the rest of the world was still quiet. The birds were still chirping, and her stepfather wasn't rushing up the stairs after her. She was okay for now.

Eyeing the knife with extreme caution and anxiety, Sage reached forward to take it into her hands; slipping it out of the velvet it rested on inside of the box. The silver of the blade shined brightly when it caught the sunlight peeking through the blinds as she twisted it curiously. Her grip was tight, almost as if she believed it could slice her all on its own as she studied it.

She swore that she could see her blood covering it completely, but she knew that no one else ever would. It had been cleaned thoroughly, removing any trace of the physical anguish and submission it caused.

Sage examined the weapon used to force her compliance long ago, and she got an idea. A loose plan was forming along with a smile as she twisted the handle of the knife in her palm slowly, still growing accustomed to wielding its power and not being on its damaging end. This changed everything, and she knew what she had to do to cement the revolution. It was risky, but so was everything else.

With Kendall on her mind and settled securely in her heart, Sage felt like she just might be able to do what was necessary to escape.

* * *

She only waited until the next afternoon to initiate the new and full plan she had formulated. She was tired of waiting, and just wanted it to end; whatever that meant.

Sage stood in her bedroom with the door open. Elliot was home with her. After he had worked a night shift into the early hours of the day, he had come home and they had both been downstairs watching another movie that she couldn't seem to pay attention to. Actually, she was curious as to how her stepfather hadn't noticed something was different. She could practically feel herself buzzing with nerves when she sat still, and the change floating in the air waiting to be utilized felt heavy, but he remained oblivious, and that's exactly how she needed him.

She had left to go to her room over five minutes ago, claiming that she had a random idea for a song and that she needed to get a notebook to jot it down. Elliot merely chuckled at her, kissing her cheek before telling her to hurry back while he kept her spot on the couch warm. It would get cold and stay that way indefinitely. The thought of it made her own skin grow chilly before she forced the slight guilt away. Elliot was getting what he deserved, but that didn't make delivering it to him any easier. She wasn't heartless like he had been long ago. Hurting someone wasn't simple or cut and dry like she wished it was.

"Sage?"

Elliot called her just like she knew he would after she hadn't reappeared for a while. It had been too long for his comfort, and that was part of the plan. Sage didn't answer him, and, just as she predicted, she heard the sound of his footsteps carry through the hallway as he ascended the staircase.

"Honey, what are you doing?" his voice held a light and amused tone when he came to stand in her open doorway, leaning his shoulder against it as he studied her. That demeanor was about to shatter.

Sage's back was to him as she stood near her desk, and she was rubbing a sweaty palm on the fabric of her jeans. What was worrying her was the object she had in her other palm. She steadied herself for the most important part of her reckless plan. This could be the end.

"I have to ask you something," she spoke much more confidently than she felt, her vocals not reflecting the quivering she felt in her stomach.

"What is it?" Elliot wondered calmly, raising a brow at her behavior.

Sage prayed silently for the best outcome as she turned around slowly, showing Elliot that she had his knife pressed firmly against her wrist.

"If I needed you to save my life, would you do it?" she asked gravely, her expression looking tired and just done. She was done with the games and done with settling. She wanted what she deserved, and that was true freedom.

"Y-Yes! What the fuck are you doing?" Elliot's words came out small and weak, his breaths suddenly becoming labored out of shock while his posture stiffened and he inched forward with an urgency he hadn't used in several months. "Put that down," he ordered softly, looking like he was about to cry while he took a full step towards her.

"No! Don't come any closer, or I'll slit my wrist…" Sage assured him sternly, pressing the knife he had wielded long ago to her own skin. It stung on her forearm, but she didn't let up at all.

This had to be it. She had gone over it a thousand times all night while she lay in her captor's strong arms. She couldn't go after him with the knife. Elliot would win. He'd always win if it was her versus him. Now, if it's Elliot versus himself, then that's another story entirely. Just like she was forced into making impossible decisions, she was going to push him into one now.

Sage just hoped that he was still as predictable as he had become. She really knew him now, and she's betting everything on her near certainty, but there was still a chance that it wouldn't work out. She had Kendall's address, so she was leaving tonight.

She wanted to be alive, but she'd settle for death if it was the only way. No matter what, she was escaping now. She couldn't stay anymore. It had already been too long…

"Sage, stop being crazy. Put the knife down… You're gonna hurt yourself," Elliot begged sadly, not moving after she ordered him to stop. His hands were raised in surrender, but his eyes still attempted to instruct her movements. She wasn't going to let it happen. She was finished with following his lead.

"I won't get hurt if you do what I say… Lock yourself in the cuffs," Sage commanded softly, her throat feeling dry as she heard death knocking on the door.

She stepped aside to reveal a pair of handcuffs dangling from the bars on the window; one cuff placed securely at the base and the other waiting for her stepfather's wrist. She had stolen them the day before, hiding them and the knife in her room. By the time Elliot returned from the driveway, she had made it back to the kitchen table, appearing as though never moved at all. On the outside, she had looked exactly like he had left her just minutes earlier, but she was completely altered on the inside.

"I'm not doing that, and you're going to be fine too… Just calm down, Sweetie, and we'll figure this out," Elliot approached her with another cautious step, and Sage was instantly shaking her head vigorously.

She cried out when the blade slid across her forearm without hesitation, creating a deep and long cut that pooled blood down her fingertips and onto the floor. She stayed focused, refusing to give into the pain burning her skin and trying to blur her vision. She had been through much worse, and this was by her own hand. It hurt, but she had control. She was ready for it.

"Fuck, stop doing that. You're gonna- " Elliot hovered for a second, fighting whether or not he should run for her or stay put. He had killed Julia with cuts to her wrists. He knew the places that would bring death in mere moments, and Sage was too close for comfort with the positioning of the blade on her arm. She had missed a crucial vein the first cut by only centimeters, and he really panicked when he saw her readjust the knife right above a hot spot.

"I'm going to die if you don't lock yourself in the cuffs, Elliot… Do it if you love me," Sage pressed further, hitting him right where it hurt the most. He blinked and swallowed the lump in his throat, watching her back up even further so he'd have a straight path to the window. He remained still, knowing it would all be over if he did what she was asking. "Dammit, I'm not kidding! Do it!" she screamed, pressing the blade into the dangerous lower part of her arm with a strength she had prayed that she wouldn't have to use.

"Wait!" Elliot's voice cracked, his whole body stiffening as he watched her prepare to take her own life. He couldn't do it. He couldn't kill her. "God, what the hell is happening?" he murmured mostly to himself, not comprehending how everything turned upside down in such a short amount of time. One minute, he was holding the girl he loved with all of his heart in his arms and believing that she loved him back, and then the next minute she was threatening to kill herself unless he gave up. Listening to her right now would be the only selfless thing he ever did.

Elliot stumbled over to the window, his legs feeling unsteady as he moved across the room and sat down on the floor. Sage watched him like a hawk, still pushing the knife into her skin as a silent incentive for him to not make a sudden movement. He stayed slow and careful, holding the cold metal of the open cuff to his wrist and locking his brown eyes onto her green ones; asking for reconsideration but only receiving a shake of her head as a response. With his own turmoil and regret threatening to break him completely, Elliot secured his wrist in the cuffs and bit his tongue; feeling like everything he fought against for the last eight years crashed on him at once.

This was the lowest moment in his life, and he never planned it. He never wanted to be bad, but he was, and he couldn't take back the things he did. They were unforgiveable even to himself. He tried to ignore them, and it worked if he had Sage by his side, but she wasn't anymore, and that made the tears fall without resistance.

As she watched him submit to her completely, Sage took a deep breath and her eyes widened in shock. She did it, and she was alive, but she refused to celebrate. She had to run.

She tossed the knife across the room, watching it crash against the door, and cradled her bleeding arm to her chest with a gasp. She was definitely feeling the pain now, and the blood was more than she thought it would be. Ignoring Elliot for a moment, Sage inched around the bed; her body still instinctively rejecting it as she hurried into the bathroom where she had supplies waiting. She had set them up just in case, and she was happy that she had thought it through. After turning the faucet on, she shoved her arm underneath the warm water and waited for the dark red to turn into a faded pink. Her limb was shaking with pure adrenaline as she tried to hold it still.

The cut was deeper than she had thought it would be, but she wasn't too surprised. Her conviction about choosing to die or get out was strong, and she had gotten herself good in the moment that she thought she might fail at staying alive. The bleeding wasn't stopping entirely, but she didn't care. Sage reached for a towel and patted her arm dry, using her torso to aid her as she grabbed the butterfly bandages she laid out earlier. She put several on, only taking the time to make sure the gash was sealed enough to slow the bleeding down before wrapping it quickly in gauze and taping the edges down with trembling fingers.

"Sage, please…" Elliot yelled loudly, making her jump and try to calm her frazzled nerves as she reentered her bedroom. Her stepfather was still right where she left him; a broken and crying mess on the floor beneath the window he was shackled to. "Let me go…"

"No," she whispered so low that it was unlikely he heard her, but he seemed to get the message and groaned while tugging on the handcuffs futilely; almost regretting his choice to give in but still unable to stop himself from sighing in relief when he saw the bandage on her arm and accepted the fact that she wasn't going to die. Now he had to deal with the reality of her leaving after having her with him for a whole year.

Before Elliot could open his mouth again, Sage left like she was on a mission and returned soon enough for him not to freak out at her absence. She came back with the entire stack of cash from the safe and frantically moved around her room, kneeling to grab a bag beneath the bed that she had packed in thirty seconds flat the day before when Elliot was outside. She avoided touching the mattress with any part of her body as she pulled out the small duffel that only contained a few changes of clothes; moving as fast as her muscles would allow in a frenzy. She threw the money inside before hurrying over to her desk and gathering up her notebooks, slipping them into the bag and zipping it shut.

Elliot listened to the sickening and final thud it made as it connected with the floor.

"I'm leaving this here."

He perked up at Sage's voice, focusing on her through his tears to see her holding the box with Julia's engagement ring inside; the one he bought with his real love in mind and hoped that Sage would wear one day. He watched her open the small box and peek inside, running her finger over the last item of her mother's that existed. She'd miss seeing it, but she knew she couldn't keep it. The bad memories it carried outweighed the good by tons.

"Where are you going?" Elliot choked out between labored breaths, feeling his wrist ache with the amount of force he used to tug on it with no wiggle room.

"You know where I'm going," Sage murmured sadly, dropping the ring on to the desk and pausing to look at him with pity.

"No… no… no…" Elliot shook his head and cried, knowing that she was talking about Kendall as soon as she gave him that expression of longing. "He doesn't love you anymore," he reminded her weakly, not able to understand her chasing after a boy who left. He couldn't understand that Kendall's love went even farther than his own did for Sage. It didn't come with restrictions or violent ends. It just was. It was effortless.

"Then he'll tell me himself, but he's going to say it to my face because I'm going to see him," Sage held her stance with tired eyes, wishing she didn't care about the man in front of her at all, but she was human, and, unfortunately, Elliot was too.

She felt guilt and empathy towards him because she felt her own capability to be okay hiding inside of her, but Elliot was different. He had done so much, and his actions could never be reversed.

"The way you feel about me is how I feel about Kendall. You can't change that… You never could. It's just not possible…" Sage explained gloomily, her humanity not allowing her to turn coldly away from Elliot without a second glance. She took a step towards him, but still kept her distance now that she was relatively free with her injured arm nestled against her chest in a lame attempt to keep it elevated.

"You're making a mistake," Elliot insisted stubbornly, groaning as he hung his head so his chin hit his chest.

"I've made a lot of mistakes with you, and there will probably be a lot more that I can't even see yet, but this is not one of them," she spoke with confidence, sighing at the exhaustion that tried to claim her body with a sense of calm at the idea of not being a prisoner anymore. "I can't stay here with you… You're sick, Elliot."

"Stop… Stop saying that…" he cried in response to her calm declaration, squeezing his eyes shut and jerking his wrist wildly. "I don't want to be sick…" he wavered for a moment, blinking slowly before crying again and refusing to look up at her. He was like a little boy; lost, dejected, and, most importantly, absolutely destroyed and vulnerable. "I'm s-sorry… I don't want to hurt anyone. I'm- This wasn't supposed to be me… This isn't me… I'm good… I'm good… I'm good," he chanted to himself, his posture making Sage believe that he nearly forgot she was in the room as his past haunted him more than she ever could.

"Maybe you can be… after I go…" Sage mumbled, breaking him from his trance. She couldn't really fully understand the next part of her plan; the part that didn't include calling the police.

She knew that Elliot could get out of the handcuffs eventually. She didn't doubt he'd break his own fingers doing it, but it would give her enough time to get on a bus to California and leave him behind. The physical pain would mean nothing to him. It was the emotional pain that would scar them both. She should call the police. She knew it was the normal and sane thing to do, but she was neither normal nor fully sane anymore. Elliot had gotten to her, and she, in her weakness, felt a little responsible for him.

Her presence in his life alone is what led him down a path of destruction, and she had no control over that, but she couldn't help but experience a sense of guilt for ruining a man that had been set up for greatness. He had overcome the odds of his childhood and the loss of his parents, entered a profession that dedicated his life to helping others, and then tossed it all away for a love at first sight that was destined to fail from the start. It was all quite tragic, and Sage knew tragedy when she saw it. She lived it.

Also, if she was being completely honest with herself, choosing to leave the authorities out of it and run straight to Kendall was a choice made out of a sense of selfishness she so rarely got to experience. There was most definitely a dash of stupidity in there too, but she just wanted Kendall. She believed wholeheartedly that he had the ability to make everything better like he had done for her before. She didn't want an investigation. The idea of a media blitz over rape, kidnapping, and insanity made her head spin and her heart pump wildly. She didn't want to share her story with the world when she wasn't quite sure she understood it herself. She just wanted to hide; hide deeply in her boyfriend's arms and forget everything.

Getting most of what she wants is plausible, but forgetting is never easy. It's impossible. She's got the scars to prove it.

"Please stay… I need you… I'll behave… I'll give you whatever you want!" Elliot pleaded helplessly, tugging now and again on the handcuffs with no progress as his legs squirmed beneath him. It was almost as if he knew something like this was coming; as if he was expecting his own inevitable downfall even more than Sage had been. When things seem too good to be true, they usually are. "Things were so good… What went wrong? What's happening?" he voiced his thoughts aloud, sounding delusional and distant when he whispered the words to himself repeatedly. He had been ecstatic for the last several weeks, literally living in a fantasy, and it was just ripped out from underneath him. His mind was on the verge of completely cracking.

He rattled the cuffs loudly, crying even harder as his anxiety rose, but, for once, Sage's remained at a manageable level compared to his own. Elliot looked as if the world was crumbling around him, and, for him, it really was. Sage was his whole life, and she was slipping away as the seconds ticked by. In his depressed state, he was a little shocked that she hadn't run out of the door yet.

"I'm going now, and there's no way to stop it. It's over, Elliot… Don't follow me, or I'll call the police… Move away to the east coast like you wanted to… Be someone else… I'm giving you a second chance while I'm taking my own. Don't fuckin' blow it, and don't make me regret it, or we'll all suffer…" Sage did some begging of her own, denying the outcome she knew was inevitable.

Not matter what, she would completely regret it, and they would all absolutely suffer.

"It's over," she repeated strictly, making sure he heard her. The only way he was going to realize she meant it was if she put it in terms he could grasp. Essentially, she was breaking up with him, and that was probably even worse for him than never getting her at all. "I can't give you what you need…"

She knew the difference between the two now. Elliot didn't just simply want her. He literally needed her in order to be a normal human being. She was one of his basic survival necessities. She was his food, his water, his air, and his shelter, but she had to rip it all away, and she'd be lying if she said that she felt no remorse whatsoever. No matter who they were, Sage would never feel right destroying someone else for any reason, even if it was for her own gain. That was where she and Elliot differed the most, but both paths of life had consequences.

"You already gave it to me," he insisted obstinately, lifting his head to look right into her eyes.

"It was a lie… It wasn't real," Sage reminded him, biting her lip at the glare he gave her; one that made her feel like she had just been untruthful.

"It was very real."

Elliot's response was instant, and it was enough to confuse her for a second. Were some of her actions real? She shook her head, refusing to dwell just yet. Whatever it was, it's over, and she's moving on, but it was going to stick with her forever.

She took a few steps back, glancing around her room for what she hoped would be the last time as she lifted the small duffel bag off of the floor and slung it over the shoulder of her uninjured arm. She bent down at her dresser and gathered the most important thing she had; Kendall's hoodie. She could wear it now, and she hoped it would help her get through the anxiety of the trip to L.A. Elliot watched her every move, not making a single one of his own as he sat there motionless. He seemed to be accepting the fact that she was going. She wasn't just leaving. He lost her permanently, and he'd never be able to force her back. It truly was over, but things with Elliot had a way of being eternal, and she'd have to remember that.

"Goodbye, Elliot… Please, listen to what I told you…" Sage felt her own tears sting her eyes as she tried to appeal to the last bit of humanity in him, but she refused to let them fall. She could no longer control Elliot. His decisions were all his own, and now they couldn't be connected to her anymore.

As she backed through her doorway, she thought she heard a mumbled "I love you," but Elliot remained silent other than that; looking frail and absent. She knew he was thinking, thinking about actually attempting to do what she asked, and she honestly believed he'd try. When she said she was going, Elliot begged her to stay, but there were no threats. He gave up, and she won. Sage reminded herself to push away any concern for him, but it wasn't easy to just start a new life, even after leaving one that was basically hell on earth. It was a nightmare, but it was still hers. It was the way she existed for a year, and she couldn't erase it.

When she made it to the front door, Sage could still hear Elliot's cries in her head; listening internally as they mixed with her own until there was a storm of endless sorrow inside of her mind. It nearly suffocated her before she rubbed her temple and tried to forget and focus on the task at hand. Stepping out of the door she hadn't exited in over a year should have been exhilarating, but all she felt was fear; fear of the unknown and of the world she didn't feel like she was a part of anymore. The only thing she really had outside was Kendall, and she hoped that it was enough to keep her afloat because looking out into the dimly lit sky made her feel like she could very possibly drown. She wished leaving was as simple as it was in her imagination, but nothing was simple anymore. It never really was, and learning that fact; the idea that nothing is effortless, had transformed her. She just wanted to control the changes and make them prompt, but that wasn't possible either because of its lack of ease.

No change is solid and fast. It's a gradual build like grains of sand piling up to form a mound. It can be hindered or assisted by the slightest influence of wind or rain. Sage had been through so much that altered her, and she was expecting to just be able to go back to the way she was before all of it, but it had been a year. She was different even if she didn't want to admit it, and that alteration wouldn't go away or fade as soon as she stepped through the door.

Time could very possibly heal all, but the wait was always excruciating.

* * *

"Why did you have the waitress put that in a container if you were just gonna eat it five minutes later in the car?" Kendall wondered with a smirk, staring at Carlos in the seat beside him as the boy bit into several potato skins at once after gathering them from the styrofoam box in his lap.

The boys of Big Time Rush had just finished dinner at a local restaurant, probably the twentieth they had tried since moving to L.A. three months ago. It was one of Carlos' favorite new hobbies in California; trying all the new food. In Sherwood, they went to the same places over and over again until they had them memorized. The Latino's eyes lit up at every new menu they came across in Hollywood, never failing to make his best friends laugh at his enormous appetite.

They were currently on their way back to the Palm Woods, with James driving Logan's car, which had been shipped out along with Kendall's a few weeks after the move. The worrywart sat in the passenger's seat while Kendall and Carlos had climbed into the back.

"I didn't want it before. I want it _**now**_. It's called leftovers. There's no time limit!" Carlos defended himself with a silly attitude, bantering back easily at his friend's. He leaned forward, stopping only when his seatbelt forced him to as he held the container out for James, who took his eyes off of the road for a moment to reach back for a bite of the cold food. He popped it into his mouth with a smile and a glance in the rearview mirror.

"When did you become the takeout police? I say we order pizza for later when we get home just so we can watch Kendall squirm some more," James smirked as he chewed, chuckling when he saw his friend hold up his middle finger in the mirror.

"Ten and two, James! Ten and freakin' two!" Logan screamed suddenly, criticizing James' driving habits and making the brunette flinch and glare over at him, but he didn't even budge at the outburst.

"Keep yelling like that, Logie, and you're gonna _**cause **_an accident, not prevent one," James reminded him haughtily, keeping his full focus on the road, which was nearly deserted at the late hour. It was almost completely dark except for the streetlights and the signs of the various businesses they passed on the way to the Palm Woods.

"Why is James driving my car? Why never yours?" Logan groaned, obviously accepting the fact that there was no way to argue with the stubborn boy as he turned in his seat slightly to stare back at Kendall.

"Because this is more fun," the blonde replied with a grin and a shrug, sneaking a potato skin covered in cheese from the container in the boy's lap beside him before his hands were swatted away playfully. "Besides, Carlos drives mine all the time… I'd say that's a bigger risk," he argued lightly, grinning over at his suddenly scoffing friend as he swallowed his food.

"What, a risk at catching my awesome?" Carlos asked proudly, puffing out his chest and offering more of his food to Kendall despite their disagreement. "I'm an amazing driver, right, James?"

The driving teen hesitated, using the excuse of a red light to think as he eased down on the break and watched a few people stroll through the crosswalk.

"Uh… You're… bold?" he offered with an awkward smile, not turning around to look at Carlos and ignoring the snickers Kendall and Logan let out.

"See? That's a positive adjective if I've ever heard one," Carlos exclaimed cheerfully, settling back in his seat and offering Kendall another bite of his food; shrugging and stuffing more into his mouth when the boy declined with a small wave of his hand.

"Kudos for knowing how to correctly use the word 'adjective' in a sentence," Logan smiled, nodding his approval as he laid against the headrest of his seat and held one of his hands out of the window enough to feel the warm California air fly through his fingers.

"I do my homework," Carlos spoke defensively, stuffing the now empty container into a plastic bag he had kept on one of his arms. He'd never hear the end of it if he left garbage in Logan's car.

"It's true. He even does the whole assignment most of the time," Kendall agreed easily, patting Carlos' shoulder when the boy smiled in triumph.

The school at the Palm Woods was easier on them than normal high school had been, but that didn't mean much when they added schoolwork to their schedule of recording and dance practices with Gustavo and Kelly. Griffin had accepted their demos recently, which meant they were definitely in Los Angeles on a semi-permanent basis while they made an entire album. They were still in the learning stages, not even having had much public performance experience, but they were still proud of their progress. A few months ago, they were four hockey players in Minnesota with some loose plans for the future that would mean separation. Now they had each other and new dreams to accomplish as a family.

James was getting better at working with others. The fact that it was with his family made the transition from "solo artist" to "pop group" easier. Logan and Carlos' singing was improving beyond anyone's wildest dreams, and Kendall was taking it all in stride; working hard when he had to and staying levelheaded for the sake of his friends. He made it his responsibility to keep them together in the crazy atmosphere that was Hollywood. He loved the music, but family would always be more important. It was the first priority right along with Sage.

"We should stop talking about homework. It's the weekend. That's gotta be against some religion, right?" James inquired with a serious curiosity, his ignorance and childlike attitude shining through his usually cool demeanor as they continued down the road to the Palm Woods.

"It's officially against mine," Kendall agreed with a halfhearted playfulness to his tone, slouching in his seat and attempting relaxation, but that wasn't very possible in last few days.

He had been a wreck when they weren't working over the past week. The official date marking a full year since he had seen Sage had come and gone, making him agitated and more sullen than he would have usually been. He argued with Gustavo a whole lot more, which led to a loud rehearsal full of screaming matches and glares of defiance, but that was common for the leader and the producer, so the older man didn't notice it. However, Kendall couldn't hide from his brothers. They knew from the moment he woke up in the morning with Sage's necklace in his hand rather than his pocket that something was wrong. Luckily, he had made it through the day in one piece with their help and optimism. Looking at it positively, they pointed out that the one year mark meant Sage's birthday was only about a week away, and that meant their reunion would be soon.

"Kendall's right, there's plenty of other stuff we should be doing besides homework," Logan agreed, watching the boy's eyes glaze over in thought as the lights of the streetlamps streaked across his face while James sped down the road. Every eye in the car turned to Logan at his declaration, not used to hearing him speak about schooling with such disdain. It was definitely amusing, and the smart boy was just glad to see that it put a smile on his friend's face.

"Like what?" Kendall straightened up in his seat and eyed Logan with curiosity.

"Like preparing for Sage's arrival… Duh! It's like I'm the only one paying attention around here," Carlos spoke up for him, smiling slyly at all three boys with sarcasm dripping from his words as he brought up the topic they were all really thinking about.

"So eloquently put, Carlitos," James sighed dramatically, grinning as he finally pulled into the Palm Woods' parking lot and slid the car into a spot seamlessly; earning a pat on the back from Logan, which was met with a roll of his hazel eyes. He had his license for quite a while, but Logan was never going to stop worrying, and it was way easier to accept that rather than arguing every chance he got.

"It's part of my charm," Carlos shrugged with a cute smile, unbuckling his seatbelt and popping the door open while the others did the same. They all gathered to head towards the building. "Seriously, though? Everything's ready, right? Do we have a toothbrush for her? Does she like chocolate or vanilla pudding? 'Cause I'm pretty sure that we only have- "

"Carlos, take a deep breath," Kendall stopped the boy's crazy rant by grabbing his shoulders and making their eyes meet. "I know I don't say this a lot about Sage, but, really, everything's going to be fine."

Kendall couldn't prevent the serene smile that came to his face with his words. Normally, he'd be the one that needed reassurance, but he had felt better the closer her birthday got. He could feel it. He knew they'd be back together soon, and he couldn't see what could ever be bad about that. He didn't know about the darkness she had waded her way through without him.

"I just want her to be happy here," Carlos admitted sheepishly, not liking that he'd been so easily caught worrying. He tried to be the one that never worried, but that wasn't as easy as it seemed; not when he had so much to care about.

"She's gonna be happy here no matter what. In case you haven't heard, we're kind of awesome," James declared in a sing-song voice, tossing the car keys to Logan right before they all entered the lobby.

"James is right… Well, you know, as right as James can be… Things are going to be great when Sage gets here. I have no doubt, and, remember, I'm a genius," Logan agreed with enthusiasm, tilting his head to the side in a rare display of cockiness.

All of the boys were so positive and excited about Sage's arrival. They didn't know what it would truly bring. It wasn't going to be easy, so it's a good thing nothing in their lives ever was. They were well equipped to deal with anything that was thrown their way.

"Hockey-heads! I need to discuss a little issue with a report about fireworks being let off in Palm Woods Park last night," Mr. Bitters, the manager with a scrooge-like disposition called over to the quartet as they strolled by and headed for the elevators. The entire bands' eyes widened, looking to each other and knowing that they were most likely responsible. Logan shook his head, James shrugged, Kendall scanned them all curiously, and Carlos avoided any real connection as his gaze wandered to the carpet beneath them and he whistled a tune.

"Carlos!" the three innocent teens exclaimed in a harsh whisper, still warily keeping an eye on Bitters, who was crossing his arms and glaring in their direction.

"Sorry! I was hanging out with a few people, and it seemed like fun! Kendall, save me, please?" Carlos turned to him with puppy-dog eyes and clasped hands, sporting a full pout that Kendall could never stay mad at. His rambunctious friend doing something like lighting fireworks in a private park really shouldn't have surprised him. He's done worse.

"Why does it have to be me?" Kendall whined, already resigned to the fact that he was going to have to be the one to talk Bitters down. If they kept getting into trouble, then they'd run the risk of being evicted. Thankfully, they had stayed moderately behaved in the last month, so, with a little smooth-talking, he'd probably get his friend completely off the hook.

"Because James isn't quick enough, I panic under pressure, and Carlos experiences diarrhea of the mouth whenever Bitters accuses him of anything," Logan explained easily, gesturing between them before politely waving at the manger behind the front desk and only receiving a scowl in return.

"And you're our fearless leader. Go get 'em, tiger!" James punched Kendall's shoulder lightly, and the remaining boys waited for his decision.

Kendall sighed and shook his head.

"You owe me big time for sitting through this lecture," he pointed at Carlos, who nodded eagerly and resisted the urge to hug his friend.

Logan, Carlos, and James waved to Kendall right before he disappeared into Bitters' office with his shoulders already slumped and a yawn escaping his lips.

"I'm gonna have to make him breakfast in bed or something," Carlos announced thoughtfully as they approached the elevator and hopped in, punching the number two button with enthusiasm.

"He said you owe him, Carlos, but I don't think he meant food poisoning," James quipped with a smirk, getting an attempted swat at his hair, which he dodged easily because of his height advantage. They continued taking physical jabs at each other, giggling as they made their way to the apartment with Logan in the lead. He had his keys out, but halted in front of the door when his phone rang. He read a new text message with a small smile, not noticing that he had stopped in his tracks until a distracted Carlos and James bumped into him.

"Whoa, you got glue on your shoes, Logie?" Carlos laughed, steadying himself after swaying backwards from the contact. Logan continued to ignore them once he straightened himself and turned his focus back to the phone in his hands.

"Who ya texting?" James grinned like he already knew the answer, sharing a look with Carlos before counting silently by holding up three fingers. When they were all lowered, Carlos reached for the boy's keys; making him think he was reaching for his cell enough for Logan to pull his hands to his other side, and that put him right in the prime position for James to snatch the phone away from him instead.

"Hey!" Logan complained, remaining unfazed when Carlos actually took his keys and opened the door for him. He kept his eyes on James, who was holding him back from reclaiming his phone with a large palm on the boy's sternum as he used the other to look through Logan's messages.

"Let's see what we have here… 'Maybe we should hang out tomorrow after my audition- Cam'… Aw! You and Camille are totally an item!" James read the teen's most recent text aloud and squealed in delight at the idea of the Palm Woods' zaniest actress and his brainy friend getting together, making Logan resist the urge to make fun of the boys' more girly tendencies. He found it ironic that James took so much interest in his love life when he didn't even care enough about his own to move it beyond random hookups and one-night stands.

After three months in Hollywood, James' player tendencies only got worse. There were literally dozens and dozens of girls at his disposal, deepening his dating pool and making it easier to see people casually rather than having real relationships. The only relationship with a female that was positive in his life at the moment was with his mother, Sandra. They stayed in touch just like he promised, and they were probably closer than ever before. Logan could say the same about his own mother, Laura, as well as his once-estranged father, Patrick. With the big move, all of the boys placed new emphasis on their families back home and spent some time each week making the effort to call and chat about their lives now that they were living ones of their own.

"We are not an item! Camille and I are just… hanging around each other lately. We're just friends," Logan insisted, stepping into the apartment and blushing at the thought of him calling Camille Wyatt his girlfriend. He did like her, but he'd never seriously dated anyone before. He shut the door behind him and strolled over to the kitchen counter while Carlos hopped onto the stool beside the one James had taken.

"Yeah, friends who wanna get in each other's pants," James snickered, not resisting when Logan pulled his phone out of his grasp. The boy's lips curled in disgust at the accusation, and he shut his phone off for the night. He couldn't possibly text Camille after James wrecked the absolutely pure and innocent thoughts he was having about seeing her the next day.

"Unlike certain people, I would actually like to get to know someone before anything intimate happens," Logan argued, raising a criticizing brow at his overly sexual friend, who merely rolled his eyes and picked at his fingernails.

"I think you should go out on a date with her, Logan. She's really nice and funny. I like all of her costumes," Carlos giggled, picking out one of Camille's more eccentric qualities. Her being a method actress meant diving into any role she was auditioning for with her heart and soul, and that usually required the right outfits. Sometimes she was an astronaut and other times she was a witch. Logan preferred it when she was just Camille.

"Go for it, man. She's sweet, and she really likes you. When we hang out, it's 'Logan this' and 'Logan that'," James mocked Camille in a high-pitched voice, making Logan blush even harder. It was actually kind of flattering to know that Camille hung out with James and talked about Logan rather than the popular boy by her side. James often commanded a lot of attention without much effort, and he and Camille had become rather close friends over their similar passionate attitudes, but somehow her admiration stayed on Logan. That was enough to make him smile in embarrassment at his friend's declaration and shrug with modesty.

"You're gonna ask her out aren't you?" Carlos knew the look on his roomie's face. It was bashfulness but also acceptance.

"Maybe…" Logan admitted quietly, getting a little squirmy under the gaze of his two goofy, smiling friends and returning back to his calm and stern attitude. "But I'm gonna do it when I'm good and ready. No pushing, or I'll sick Kendall on your asses," he warned, only halfway teasing because, really, Kendall would back him up when it came to dating.

He truly believed that it was something that should be effortless; that you'd just know when something was right, and he'd fight for Logan's chance at that even if it meant putting the overexcited Carlos and James in a timeout for being too involved. Logan sighed in relief when his two hyper friends settled down, thinking that Kendall really must have been a superhero in another life.

"You're such a buzz kill," James yawned dramatically, acting as if Logan bored him but still giving his brother a little grin to let him know he wouldn't push too many buttons. Carlos nodded beside him, reading James' true meaning without a problem. The pair worked in an eerily psychic way sometimes.

"Whatever," Logan waved them off with a smile, turning suddenly when he heard a knock at the door. He walked over casually, thinking Kendall was back from his unfortunate meeting with Bitters and Carlos locked the door when he had opened it earlier. "You can't rush love, my friends," he announced with a tilt of his head, getting a dark chuckle from James.

"You don't even wanna touch the subject of sex, and all of a sudden little Logie is talking about love," James grinned at his puzzling friend, only slightly envious that he could somehow see a potential for something beyond physical connections without ever going out on more than a few real dates. James had been out plenty of times, and he never once felt the spark of anything but lust. He was starting to believe that the existence of love wasn't in the cards for him.

"I know it's a hard subject for you to grasp, James, but, as Kendall can attest, it's a real thing," Logan joked, reaching for the door handle calmly and expecting to reveal the friend he had just mentioned, but there was so much more.

They'd know her anywhere; having spent every day talking about her and seeing her pictures on the walls, but they weren't expecting her for at least another week.

Sage Henderson was standing right in front of them.

Logan, Carlos, and James all froze; Logan with his hand on the door and the other two with their mouths hanging open at the counter.

"D-Does, uh, Kendall Knight live here?" Sage cleared her throat by swallowing harshly, her entire body feeling wrong and on edge in the open hallway and under the stare of three unknown males. She tugged on the sleeves of her boyfriend's black hoodie, wanting to feel more hidden than even the fabric over her hair could allow her to be. It was impossible, but she refused to stop trying. Nothing felt right, and she had to do something to stop her skin from crawling.

The boys were still astonished at her presence, all of them internally faltering when they heard her voice. It was real. Sage was really there.

Carlos was pretty sure that he spoke for all of them when he broke the silence.

"Holy crap."

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**A/N: Alrighty… So, what did you think of the "season two" finale of PTS? :D I'm pretty darn happy with it lol :) Let me know your thoughts! So much angst coming up now that we've got a reunion, and, my FAVORITE part, Sage gets to really meet and bond with James, Carlos, and Logan :D**

**I'd like to say HI! To: some people/fans that I came across on tumblr after chrinstinainwonderland informed me that I have some lovely peeps over there :D So, a lovely and grateful hello to: buddhabob (aka Mellie), kenshley (aka Ashley), and shelbos (aka Shelby). There are probably others (click the review and tell me if you want me to check it out :) but these are the people I ran across last weekend while I was anxiously awaiting the site issues to end, and looking back on their pages TOTALLY brightened my day: seeing freak outs over Elliot, curses at Elliot, swooning over Kendall, and actual pictures of people reading PTS… Just THANK YOU! I love putting some names to fans, and I wish you guys would review your enthusiasm here, because I love it like crazy :D **

**Okay, so PLEASE REVIEW! :D Please REVIEW and help me celebrate two "seasons" of this fic :D I know that I get about 200 visitors for every chapter (which never fails to flatter me to no end, and just makes me extremely happy that people enjoy the story like I do :D), and it would be probably one of the most amazing things I ever experienced if I could get most of those people to review this chapter :) even if you don't have an account and just check the site every week, just click the little blue review button and type whatever you want! Say hi, make me smile, and make me swoon over the fantastic supporters I have for this fic :) **


	32. Big Time Hindsight

**A/N: This came out long... HAPPY "SEASON THREE PREMIERE"! :D (get your tissues ready lol) This is basically the length of TWO chapters… I should have split it, but I didn't feel like being cruel to you all, whom I love so dearly :D**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**Story suggestion: ****Go check out**_ Surfergal23_**'s wonderful Hooked. It's a Kendall/OC and fully of lovely and romantic angst ;D  
**

**_-waterwicca_**

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_CHAPTER 32: BIG TIME HINDSIGHT_

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Sage stood in the hallway outside of 2J, looking into the apartment past the brunette boy who opened the door. Her eyes had trouble focusing on him because she wasn't sure she wanted to. He was a couple of inches taller than her, and usually that wouldn't have mattered much, but absolutely everything had significance now, even stupid things like kind-looking guys with a slight height advantage. It made her breath catch in her throat and her heart pump a little faster than normal. Panic was definitely a key emotion for her. It was all she was feeling since the second she left Elliot shackled in her room and stepped outside. She was supposed to be happy and relieved in that moment, but she was altered, and a whole new batch of problems that she hadn't even realized existed popped up from unexpected places.

After another boy spoke from within the apartment, muttering a "holy crap", everything fell silent again. Sage literally felt like their eyes were burning her skin, making it hotter and tingle in a painful way that had her wishing she was invisible or at least less conscious of every little thing; like the way the boy at the door was only a foot and a half away from her or how the other two inside had their eyes locked onto her as if she was a homing beacon guiding them right to where she stood shaking with nerves. She knew something was wrong. Sure, she was terribly afraid of being touched or spoken to back at school in Ramsey, but this was different. This wasn't just consuming. It was almost paralyzing. Her brain screamed for her to move, but her body was refusing, and the internal conflict made her head spin with the effort to find some sort of balance when she wasn't even sure what "stable" meant anymore.

"S-Sorry, I must have the wrong p-place…" she stuttered, not fully aware if her expression was giving away her inner turmoil. She could hear her own blood pumping around her eardrums, and it felt like every word out of her mouth tasted wrong as it passed her lips. They didn't even sound right. Her voice wasn't the one she remembered having. She wasn't the person she remembered being.

Sage felt a little better when she turned away from the three teens' stares, attempting to put them out of mind once they were out of sight. She pivoted on her heals, her old black sneakers feeling slippery against the thin carpet of the building's cheaply decorated hallway as she adjusted the small duffel that she carried on her suddenly weak shoulder. She started to think back to the email with Kendall's address in it, knowing for a fact that she memorized the precious information and cursing the billionth curveball fate threw her when he didn't open the door. Honestly, she wasn't expecting strangers, and now her entire body felt jittery and off.

All of this happened in less than a few seconds, and her feet hadn't actually made a full move to step away before Logan came back to his senses.

"No!" he freaked out, his voice rising in pitch as he panicked. They had all been shocked into a rare silence for the group, but he couldn't watch the most precious thing in his brother's world walk away just because his racing brain was trying to short-circuit his body. His hand instantly grabbed her shoulder, and Sage stiffened as soon as the contact was made.

Her own reaction surprised even her. It was the first time she was actually touched by someone other than Elliot in the last year, and the fear immediately ran through her; stinging her chest like she had been struck violently with her stepfather's fist. She cowered spasmodically, shrinking down so her knees bent and threatened to buckle as her torso tried to twist away from the connection without actually breaking it. Disconnecting would mean a sense of fighting back, and that wasn't something she ever taught herself to do when faced with a threat of violence. Yes, she had taken control with Elliot, but only after the physical threat had diminished enough to make her brave. All of that bravery was gone now; dispersing into the newly suffocating and open air as soon as she escaped. The fear of being hurt was back, and she returned to her old way of thinking; only intensified after her new experiences. Giving in was better. It would get it over with quicker, and she could move on.

No longer jerking away from Logan's hand, she accepted the contact with a shuddering breath and turned her head around to look at him with wide eyes that hardly met their intended target. Everything felt wrong, or maybe everything was exactly how it should have been and she was the wrong one. As she started to realize that nothing painful was happening, she finally glanced into his brown eyes; ones that revealed he couldn't hurt a fly with the amount of compassion they radiated. Even after seeing this, the fear was still surrounding her heart in a stranglehold no matter how much she willed it to pass.

Yeah, she was definitely broken.

Logan could see it.

He ripped his hand away like he had been scorched when he saw her face. Even for an authentic genius, it was a little difficult to decipher. The biggest emotions were easy to see; fear and anxiety coating her expression and posture, but there was something deeper too. It was more than he could learn from a single stare, and that was frustrating. He normally knew everything. Shrugging off the feeling of helplessness, Logan cursed himself for touching her in the first place; thinking of everything Kendall had said she went through with her stepfather.

He didn't even know the half of it.

"You have the right place! Kendall lives here… Come in… Please?" Logan begged softly, keeping his voice low even though he wasn't completely sure why. He could just tell she needed it, a soothing tone with no urgency, and his suspicions were confirmed when she relaxed slightly; her shoulders releasing the tension somewhat as she kept his stare for more than a half of a second.

"He does?" Sage whispered, clearing her throat when the sound came out lower than intended, but Logan still heard as he kept his entire focus fixated on her. She stepped towards the door cautiously; complying with his pleading as he gestured inside with a short wave of his hand and didn't even attempt to reach for her again.

Her voice still held fear and questioning, and her body moved extremely slowly and shakily. She thought that Kendall actually being there would be too good to be true, and she wasn't entirely sure that she wanted to go into the apartment; behind closed doors with a trio of boys she didn't know, but, then again, she figured that they couldn't possibly do anything worse than what she had already gone through. Also, if they knew anything about Kendall, the terror would be worth it.

"Yeah, he's just out… He'll be here any minute, though," Logan reassured her quickly while shutting the door, stumbling over the speed of his words like he couldn't say the right thing fast enough. He kept thinking that she was going to disappear if he wasn't careful.

"Oh, my god!" James exclaimed, leaping with Carlos out of their stools like they were electrocuted as soon as Logan clicked the door shut. It was as if they were finally broken out of their trance, which was rightfully entered because of the shock they experienced, once they saw Sage in their home. She was the girl that they wanted to know every day for almost a year; the girl who composed their brother's entire existence, and she was standing only a few yards away.

"We've been dying to meet you," Carlos looked ecstatic right along with James.

Unlike Logan, they couldn't see the oddness in Sage's stance or behavior.

The lively pair closed some of the distance between her and them, stepping around the kitchen counter while Logan led her further into the apartment with the movement of his own body. He was careful not to step too much into her personal space as he reached out for her bag. Sage jerked faintly but let him take it on the lower end of the strap, where it was the furthest from her body. He smiled thankfully, keeping it quick and turning to the dining table. It was covered in random crinkled papers and art supplies; the remnants of Carlos' earlier activities of painting while the high maintenance James took nearly two hours to get ready for their outing to dinner. The Latino mouthed an apology to Logan when the boy glared before shifting a few things around so Sage's bag would rest securely on the edge. When he turned back around, Carlos' attention was already fully back on the girl in front of them.

"You know who I am?" Sage asked, becoming more frightened. She knew that she shouldn't have been jumping to conclusions, but the terror rose when it felt like they knew more than she did. Her mind raced with illogical scenarios of getting sent back to Elliot, like she got caught running away even though she had every right to.

"Of course, you're Sage!" James nodded, his hands wide as he waved them in her direction. His smile was even bigger than when he found out that they were all coming to Los Angeles.

Sage got lost in her thoughts again, wondering what her name really meant anymore. She used to just be "Sage Henderson", the quiet outcast. Then she was "Sage Henderson", an appreciative half of "Kendall and Sage", and then she was forced into being "Sage Henderson", the nonconsensual lover of Elliot. All she wanted was to be back with Kendall, but, merely being in this apartment, was giving her the feeling that it wasn't going to be as easy as she thought. She at least needed it to be possible, but her heart was thudding in her chest and her mouth was dry.

For just a moment, she wished that she was in Ramsey again and locked up in her small room where she knew everything. She knew nothing now.

"And you're Kendall's friends…" she trailed off awkwardly, gazing around at the boys.

With the tremors she was experiencing in her spine and her past experiences with people, she was at a total disadvantage socially. They were all smiling, and she wasn't sure how to do that anymore. Sage tugged at her sleeve, ignoring the way her left forearm stung from the cut she had made the night before. The bandage felt rough on her skin, and the fabric of Kendall's black hoodie wasn't helping, but she refused to take it off even in the warm California air. She had put it on the second she stepped out of the house in North Dakota when she felt like it was all too much to handle at once. She felt like everything- the neighbors, the birds, even the trees and fading sun- were watching her when, in fact, the entire road was silent and unmoving. There were no people and very few animals, but the world outside was surreal and transformed in her mind, which had also been altered. Nothing was what it once was.

"We're his _**best**_ friends," James added proudly, keeping his smile at her bright and sincere. "I'm James. That's Carlos, and the other guy is our doorman, Logan," he teased, pointing to each of them. Logan glared at him for the light jab but kept most of his attention on Sage as he moved over to stand in line beside Carlos.

She studied them for a minute before grinning. The expression was small, but it was genuinely there.

"You're the kids from the picture," she remembered back to the first time she was in Kendall's room in Ramsey, seeing the photo of him and his friends clearly in her memory. She was a bit more comfortable now that the people in front of her weren't strangers. Actually, she felt like she knew them almost as well as she knew the Knights through stories Kendall had told her of their childhood together. "Kendall always talked about you… He found you guys again…" she muttered distantly, her grin still strong as she thought of her boyfriend accomplishing one of his dreams when he reunited with them.

"More like we found him. He was a wreck when he moved back to Sherwood and you were sent away to foster care," James explained sadly, shaking his head with a grimace but returned to his smile easily when he remembered that it was the past. Sage's happiness, however, faltered.

She blinked at the statement. It was the first time she heard the actual name of the town he went to in Minnesota, a piece of information she hadn't ever been given out of safety. The idea of knowing his location, and that it might've made her stronger with Elliot sooner, caused bile to rise in her throat. Envisioning Kendall as a wreck without her didn't help her sudden sickness either.

"Foster care… Right…" she mumbled, remembering the lie Elliot told long ago to make Kendall leave him alone.

The idea of foster care was sounding lovely to Sage compared to reality. She glanced down to the hardwood flooring, trying to count the lines in the surface to give her mind something to do as it fought to drift off into memories she didn't want. Attempting to breathe normally, she played nervously with her fingers while struggling to hear what the boys were saying. It was almost as if she was underwater.

"We thought we'd have to wait a little longer for your birthday to happen, so we're really happy you're here already!" Carlos declared, beaming with obvious excitement. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

In his characteristically innocent way, he made move to step forward and hug Sage. She didn't even see him do it, her eyes having been on the floor before fully taking in the modern and bright apartment around her; not sure if she liked how large and tall the area was. She was used to suffocating and uncertain about how to deal with the change.

Before Carlos even got one full step towards her, Logan grabbed the back of his purple sweater tightly so that he froze immediately between his confusing friend and James. Carlos settled back into place, turning with a saddened and curious expression. Logan only furrowed his brow and shook his head, not entirely sure himself why he knew physical contact was a bad idea. He just didn't want her to be more overwhelmed than she visibly was already. James frowned too, catching Logan's eyes, which only seemed to have a lot going on behind them. He was familiar enough with that look to know that they should go along with what Logan says, so he placed a comforting hand on Carlos' shoulder to keep him by his side.

"Is, uh… I-Is Kendall coming back soon?" Sage asked softly, bringing her focus back to the group in front of her with difficulty. She felt a little wobbly and dizzy from all the new space around her, which was both enclosed and too open at the same time. Her body didn't even know what it wanted, so she hugged her arms against her torso with a hopeful expression. She believed that Kendall could make the feelings go away. He was supposed to be able to fix anything.

"Shit, Kendall! He's gonna freak out!" Carlos jumped with a wide smile.

They had nearly forgotten about their blonde friend in the midst of all the shock. None of them had really known what to do. They had imagined meeting Sage for a long time, but it was different when she was actually there in front of them. She was really real, not just a memory or a name that made Kendall both laugh and cry.

Carlos ran forward, and Sage instinctively shut her eyes and tensed every muscle in her body as she moved aside; nearly running into the table before reminding herself to breathe as the tan boy rushed past her without making any contact at all. She knew in her head that Carlos was harmless, having heard he was the most loveable out of the young boys in Kendall's stories, but her body reacted on its own. Even bubbly teenaged boys with eyes of a puppy, that lacked both bark and bite, seemed like a threat.

He flung the door open, leaving it that way as he sprinted to the left and down the hall towards the elevator she had ridden up earlier after passing through the lobby with no manager in sight behind the empty desk, which she had been grateful for at the time. So far, the only person she had to talk to was a young woman at the bus station and now Kendall's friends.

"Are you okay?" Logan brought her attention back to him and James, and he asked the question like he could really feel the weight of it.

Sage looked up, licking her lips while letting her restless legs take her towards the orange couch on the far side of the apartment, but she stopped before actually getting there; finding herself almost adjacent to the two boys near her.

"I will be…" she whispered, trying to assure herself now that she was faced with the possibility of seeing Kendall in a matter of seconds.

Logan nodded, appearing to understand what she meant without actually knowing much of anything for once, and James was silent. His own, nearly permanent, smile was gone. It was as if he just noticed Sage's true demeanor past his initial surprise. Even he could see that something was wrong. She wasn't the happy girl in the pictures.

"Kendall, fuck- Oh, my god! Hurry up! I can't even- Come on! There's a surprise for you in the apartment."

They all shook out of their melancholy daze when they heard Carlos' excited and flustered voice down the hall after the ding of the elevator, having timed the excursion perfectly to be met with Kendall's face when the doors opened. James smiled at his friend's eagerness and Logan grinned, looking over towards Sage to watch her reaction. Her eyes were shiny and completely glued to the open door, and her fingers were curled into fists. He wouldn't have been surprised if her fingernails were breaking the skin of her palm at the punishing force she was using.

"Carlos, dude, I just got a lecture from Bitters because your dumb ass hasn't heard of fire safety. I got us off the hook, but I don't think I'm in the mood for one of your surprises… They usually hurt… or scar…" Kendall responded with disdain, his frown almost visible in all of their minds at his tone.

Sage sighed at the sound of her boyfriend's voice, the airy exhale loud and shuddering as it blew past her lips. Her body tensed even more than it had before, coiling inward and ready to spring out. James and Logan examined her with smiles of contentment, knowing what this next moment would mean for her and Kendall.

"This one is awesome, I swear… You're gonna want to kiss me… or someone else…" Carlos' voice got closer to them, coming off as giddy in the beginning but turning sly by the end.

"Ew, now I know you're fuckin' nuts. I'm not kissing you or anyone else," Kendall chuckled at his friend's declaration, their distance diminishing.

"Really?" Carlos smirked, appearing first in the doorway and tugging his friend by the arm. "Not even her?" he pointed right at Sage standing in the middle of the apartment. Kendall had been looking at him skeptically, but then he rolled his eyes and actually focused on where Carlos' were fixated.

Kendall completely froze and, for just a moment, the earth stopped revolving around the sun.

She was here.

Sage was home.

Before his mind could fathom anything else, his body propelled him forward, as she did the same with a matching sigh of relief, and he latched onto her like his life depended on it. It probably did. Kendall swept her up into his arms, tears stinging his eyes when he finally felt her against him. It was almost as if he hadn't known for sure whether or not it was a cruel dream before their bodies connected like they were always meant to be.

Sage jumped to wrap her legs around his waist with her arms embracing his neck, wanting to feel as close to him as she could; wanting to erase every other bad sensation ripping through her veins and get back to the ones that used to compose her entirely. From the second he entered her life after a chance meeting in the hospital, Kendall was her reason for everything; the reason she breathed, the reason she smiled, the reason she kept going on, and the reason she survived Elliot.

Over the year they were apart, they learned to deal with the physical agony of separation and pushed it back until it became a dull sting in their hearts and limbs. After their eyes met in apartment 2J, the stinging became an intense burning that screamed to be soothed like it had the first night they crossed paths. It was annihilating every other sense in their body; needing to be extinguished even more than the first time they made love. The estrangement made the longing stronger. It cemented their bond beyond imagination, making it impossibly sturdier, but that didn't mean it wouldn't be tested.

They embraced each other past the point of cutting off their air supply, breathing seeming unimportant at the time, and tears fell silently from both of their eyes. As the emotions became too much for Kendall, he fell slowly to the ground into a sitting position, Sage still wrapped tightly around him and nestling in his lap; loving the way they locked together even better in actuality than in her memories. They sat on the apartment floor like one being instead of two individuals. It was the way they preferred it.

After several minutes, they pulled apart slightly to look at each other with love and awe. A year was long enough for them to almost believe that one another didn't exist anymore, that their connection had never been established. Kendall had come into and departed from her life in an emotional whirlwind, leaving her in an even more precarious position when she had started her time with Elliot. They were both sent backward, but they had to endure it in order to push forward again with new lessons learned. The problem would come when they had to reunite their two distinct lives into a cohesive one together after having been waiting, but still surviving without each other, in two entirely different worlds.

Kendall reached up and gently brushed a tear off of Sage's cheek with a small smile and a twinkle in his eyes. She returned the gesture, her own smile decorating her now calm features.

"I love you," he stated simply, like it was the truest thing ever said; a statement he'd been dying to utter for too long. He breathed deeply, trembling as he cupped her face between his hands.

"I love you too," she responded with a sigh and shaking fingers, running a hand through his hair before leaning in to meet his lips. The action was so well practiced, but it still felt new; with more intensity added to it from their lengthy split and heartache.

They kissed in a frenzy.

It was deep, passionate, and loving.

It was their cure.

All the pain they experienced within the last year melted away. Kendall, moving through his days with pretense like he didn't have a soul mate somewhere on the planet he craved for every minute of every hour, now felt as though he was complete again. Sage, holding onto every memory of her love's voice and touch to get through her constant mental and physical horrors, was temporarily peaceful.

They were back in their own realm, their heaven; the one they cherished all those months ago and yearned for until now. Each of them tried to imagine it when they were apart, sometimes in their fitful sleep when they were lucky enough to fend off the nightmares and other times when listening to or penning a song that would remind them of each other, but they could never recreate it so it was just right.

They needed each other to get there.

Sage's lips caressed Kendall's, her tongue immediately submitting to his as a passionate and satisfied warmth spread through them both while they engaged in something that made their hearts ache and experience relief at the same time. In this one moment of bliss, Sage was okay. She felt like she hadn't in too long of a time. It wasn't just hope. It was real this time. It was good, happy, and calm. It was nowhere close to Elliot.

Then they disconnected briefly, and she opened her eyes.

She took in the new and strange place around her beyond Kendall's shoulder and remembered exactly why it was so bizarre, thinking of how massively her time with her stepfather changed her. Simple things like rooms made her feel uneasy, and the peaceful place Kendall had taken her to in her head was beginning to retreat.

She held him tighter out of frustration when she could almost physically sense it fleeting from her mind even while she was in her lover's arms. She couldn't quite catch it and get it back to where it belonged between them. Her skin started to crawl around her neck and back; feeling the sensation creep towards the front where she was pressed against Kendall like it was trying to put a wall between them. Her body wouldn't listen to her, but she was still fighting with her heart; knowing that this was the man she loved but not fully able to keep the anxiety at bay.

What was wrong with her?

Sage cried a little harder, tears dropping onto the oblivious Kendall's neck as she buried her face into it and squeezed with both her arms and legs. He easily embraced her with more fervor in return, his palms dragging across her lower back and shoulder blades.

"Are you real?" she muttered unsteadily, only joking slightly as she fastened her fingers into his hair.

"Are you?" he countered easily with a chuckle, his breathing calming down and his heart rate returning to normal as he pulled his face away enough to stare into her eyes again. "Come on, I'll show you our room," he brightened, sweeping a long piece of hair away from her cheek. His smile grew when he got to call the bedroom theirs, but he didn't notice the way Sage swallowed thickly. She had only known her small prison of a room for a long time. It was difficult to wrap her head around the privilege of sharing one with Kendall again along with the fact that he had been waiting for her like that. It had been so long. He had been living a life of his own choosing, and she was suffering through what was laid out for her.

He forced himself away, not enjoying the chill of their disconnection but allowing it so that they could get off of the floor. He attempted to keep at least one arm around her waist as he rose to his feet and wiped at his tears, smiling over to his brothers once he remembered that they were watching. Sage kept her head down and her fingers clasped onto Kendall like he just might decide to leave if he could see what was happening behind her eyes. She knew he would never do it, but the fear wouldn't stop until she let it pass and run its course.

James, Carlos, and Logan were all in a line by the counter again after the Latino had shut the door behind him. Logan was grinning at the two, his hands resting in the front pockets of his khakis as he studied their reunion fondly; earlier traces of concern temporarily forgotten. Carlos was positively ecstatic, biting his bottom lip in an attempt not to cheer. James had one of his palms resting on the countertop, and his face was almost indecipherable but still had a small smile of approval; one he didn't even realize was there.

"We'll, uh, be back, I guess," Kendall laughed lightly, finding his words and actions surreal. Only minutes before, he was returning from dinner with his friends and talking about Sage's approaching birthday, but now she was here in front of him. His mood was soaring high, and he was almost sure nothing could make him crash. Sage knew better.

She clung to Kendall as the boys nodded at them and he turned to pick up her duffel bag from the table, realizing that it hadn't been there before.

"Is this all you have?" he still kept his smile, never fading in the least as he gripped the strap in his free hand and used the other to caress Sage's upper arm. She only nodded, feeling all of the phrases and explanations on her tongue as to why she actually had so little belongings but swallowing them down with her anxiety. "Don't worry, we'll get you more stuff," he reassured her, thinking of his own reasons why she was here early with only a small bag. He knew it couldn't be anything good, but he was still hoping for the best. His optimism wouldn't fade now that it had been cemented into his heart with the help of his brothers.

Kendall slid his palm down her arm, not noticing the slight bump of the bandage beneath the fabric of the hoodie, and interlaced their fingers with a content sigh. Sage felt herself relax at the familiar gesture, knowing that it only belonged to her and Kendall. She and Elliot very rarely held hands, so her mind hadn't tainted that loving contact. She let a smile appear on her own features again, happy to find something that didn't make her skin tingle in an unpleasant way. He kissed her temple and led her toward a hallway beneath the balcony at the top of the room.

Logan, Carlos, and James watched them go; leaving the trio in silence and astonishment. Carlos and Logan were the first to break away from the now empty spot on the floor, turning to look at James because of his oddly soundless behavior. Other than Carlos, he would usually be the first one to crack a joke or say something about what just happened, but he was absolutely quiet as he blinked. The action seemed to be pushing away tears.

"Y-You guys felt that, right?" he mumbled, finally spinning to glance at his friends; his hazel eyes still occasionally darting towards the hallway.

James had witnessed it for the first time, true love in its most pure and unbreakable form, and it struck him in the torso like a ton of bricks. For him, it was like seeing a unicorn. He was almost positive that something like that couldn't exist, even if he did give Kendall the benefit of the doubt, and then it was just there; like magic. He had heard stories, and his friends kept insisting that it was possible, but actually seeing love like that shocked him to the core. He never wanted it for himself, always thinking that it wasn't worth the effort and risk to his career and feelings, but he could almost see the appeal. Having someone to call yours and have them claim you back without question sounded like it could be a good idea, but he was too stubborn to admit it as a possibility for himself. He'd keep that amazing emotion focused on his brothers and new sister instead, disregarding the small pang of want in his chest.

"Duh, the earth practically fuckin' moved… It was awesome!" Carlos exclaimed loudly, gesturing wildly to where Kendall and Sage had stood; letting a bit of his pent up excitement leak out.

"It really was," James murmured in agreement, still sounding far away and keeping his eyes forward.

"What's your problem? You look weird…" Carlos commented thoughtfully, grinning up at his friend with a curious expression.

"It's real, man… Like, they love each other, and Sage is here and not just in our heads, and it's just… Whoa…" James explained with a wide smile, finally leaving his stupor as his words failed him.

"Right? It makes me all happy!" Carlos giggled and rushed towards the living area, hopping onto the orange couch like there was a trampoline beneath his feet.

James rolled his eyes but kept a grin on his face, following the boy and settling down gracefully beside him. They both gazed at Logan, expecting him to be part of the conversation, or at least move, but he was just standing where they left him. His arms were crossed and his demeanor had shifted into a solemn one, staring at the hallway that Kendall and Sage disappeared down.

"What up with the angst-face, Loges?" James smirked.

"I don't like it. That's the look he gets when he's about to tell me I can't jump into the pool from the roof," Carlos teased lightly, sharing a humorous stare with James before they both turned back to Logan. They sobered up immediately when they noticed he hadn't budged at all.

"Something's wrong… She's not okay… I could see it in her eyes," Logan spoke quietly, ending his trance to stare at his friends with a frown.

"What does that mean?" James scoffed, thinking the boy sounded ridiculous.

"Sage is hurt and scared, and I'm not sure it's just because she missed Kendall," the gloomy brunette explained further, still thinking hard as he turned completely towards the two teens on the couch.

"Foster care isn't always a piece of cake, Logie," Carlos reminded him softly, still keeping a smile on his lips despite some horror stories he had heard from his father due to his profession. "She'll be alright… She has Kendall now," he offered optimistically, reanimating himself with a wider smile.

"… and us!" James added happily, opening his arms and waving his hands along with Carlos as if they were presenting a prize. Logan broke out of his depressed attitude at the sight of his silly brothers, cracking a lopsided smirk as he moved towards them.

"Now I'm really worried."

* * *

"Are Karen and Katie here?" Sage asked, missing the two females with an aching heart. She possibly missed Karen, the mother she never really had in her adolescent years, more now that she knew the truth about Julia's death. She didn't like physical contact anymore, but she could have definitely accepted a hug from the warm woman.

"N-No… No! I'm gonna have to call them," Kendall appeared to suddenly remember their absence from Los Angeles, his mind still reeling from Sage's arrival. "They're going to flip out," he insisted with a brilliant smile, already imagining his mother and sister squealing over his girlfriend's reappearance.

Kendall shut the bedroom door behind them, not detecting the way Sage flinched at the now enclosed space. Before, she couldn't handle the open area of the apartment and now this was no better. Nothing was right. She kept her eyes on Kendall, willing herself not to blink and lose reality as he placed her bag on the bed. That wasn't helping her either. The bed kept flickering in and out of focus, shifting and changing to Elliot's or her own. She thought her aversion to the furniture was just in her home under those circumstances, but it apparently wasn't over. The numbness she had in Elliot's room with him at night was gone the second he handcuffed himself to her window, and now she had no defenses against the fear. Her false confidence melted away, only leaving her with anxiety and swimming thoughts in her head.

"So, it's just you guys?" she asked shakily, trying her best to keep her voice normal as she inched around the perimeter of the room towards the empty desk and far away from the bed where Kendall was standing. The only thing she found comforting about the area was its resemblance to her room in Ramsey. There was a connecting bathroom and a desk, but it also had a few differences. There was a closet and no windows at all. She wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing yet.

Kendall turned around to answer her question, looking towards his side and expecting her to be there. He experienced a moment of panic before noticing her leaning against the desk with her hands gripping the edge. He didn't even give any thought to her not coming towards the bed, merely walking with hurried steps until he was in front of her again.

"Yup, it's all a really long story, but me and the guys started a boy band when this producer came to Sherwood, and blah, blah, blah… I don't want to talk about that… I want to talk about you… and us..." he murmured sweetly, taking in her appearance again with adoration. His happiness was making him almost delirious. He couldn't see the way Sage's brain was working in overdrive as he leaned into her body. She pressed further into the desk a little bit, but didn't try to get away.

Sage could only think about the conversation that was coming up. She knew that he'd want to know everything, and she wanted to lie to him, but they had a code of "no secrets" ever since he found out that Elliot beat her on a daily basis. Things were so different and messed up now, but she couldn't let that change her and Kendall. Her pain was always his, and his was hers. They shared it. However, she still wished she could be a martyr and hold onto this for him; not wanting to crush his bliss, but that wasn't how they worked.

One doesn't save the other. They save each other.

"I have something that belongs to you," Kendall smirked, keeping his legs intertwined with her own as she wiggled back to sit on the desk and he reached into his pocket.

He pulled out her silver necklace, tossing the picture he kept with it aside, and Sage's breath caught in her throat before exhaling loudly with a smile. The weaved "S" and "K" shimmered in the dim room, catching the rays coming from the two dull spotlights above their heads. The jewelry was something she constantly missed, feeling empty without it but better when she thought of Kendall keeping it safe. Her heart warmed when she realized that he kept it in his pocket even though he had no clue she'd be there at that moment.

"Here," he breathed unsteadily, keeping his smile as he used shaking fingers to undo the clasp on the back, which was something he hadn't done since the last time they were together too long ago.

Sage tilted her head down, bending forward as his arms wrapped around her neck to fasten the necklace in place. He watched it hang perfectly as she flung her hair out from underneath the chain and over the front of her shoulders to make sure she was covered as much as possible. She felt a little better now; more whole.

"How did you get here? Did you run away when you found out where I was?" Kendall asked, still keeping up conversation without realizing she hadn't said much at all.

Sage was shocked by the accuracy of his guess but realized he couldn't have possibly known the truth.

"Yeah," she answered with a sad smile, feeling only a little bad because it wasn't exactly a lie.

"Don't worry, your birthday's really soon. I won't let them take you back," Kendall assured her calmly, reading her sadness but unaware of the real reasons behind it. His voice was strained as he continued. "You're staying for good… I'm not ever gonna let you leave my sight. A year was too long… I missed you so much," he cried, leaning in to hug her and bury his face in her neck as she dug hers into his chest and struggled to breathe normally. She could feel relief radiating off of him, and it was nearly contagious, but her mind stayed on what she had experienced in their time apart. "I looked everywhere for you…" he muttered into her skin, only pulling away to kiss the side of her head before pressing back into her neck and taking in her scent with every trembling inhale.

She couldn't help but think how tragic their lives had become. He was so close to her when she first disappeared, just mere yards away as he stood outside of her house with Elliot. He didn't ever have to look far, but that didn't mean it was easy to find her. She was locked behind much more than doors and barred windows.

"K-Kendall?" she mumbled weakly, trying to calm herself enough to speak; knowing nothing would be easy once she did.

"What is it, baby?" Kendall responded calmly, kissing her neck and rubbing his hands up and down her back, which was making it harder for Sage to think about destroying his mood.

"I need to tell you something that's going to upset you…" she admitted, her voice staying timid as she fought tears and clenched her hands tightly around his waist.

"You're here. I'm never gonna be sad again," Kendall laughed, pulling away to look at her with worship.

He brushed the hair away from her neck, glancing at the necklace with a small smile that faltered when he noticed something else too. He began to really see her now that the shadows were casting just right against her skin. The first scar Elliot had given her with the knife was visible, a pink line that dragged beneath the heart-shaped pendant. Kendall knew every single inch of her body, and he knew within a second that the blemish wasn't there before.

His world was starting to crumble; a harsh burn of worry and anguish building in his stomach.

"What happened?" his voice was dark and wary, like the one he had used whenever he insisted that she explain how she got her latest injuries after spending a day with Elliot and then showed up for breakfast at the Knights' home.

He already began an attempt at getting the hoodie off of her, not waiting for an answer as his hands worked without thinking. He unzipped the front, holding his breath because he knew for a fact that he wasn't going to like her response. With raging eyes, he started to imagine some sick bastard messing with her in foster care and no one around to keep her safe; no one to turn to after he left her alone. He only noticed the way Sage's body stiffened slightly as he pulled the zipper downwards until the two halves fell open to reveal a dark green tank top. She kept reminding herself over and over again with shut eyes that it wasn't what her pumping heart was telling her.

"_Kendall, not Elliot… Kendall, not Elliot… Kendall, not Elliot…"_

Intimate touches used to be common between them, warm and calming. They shared their personal spaces on a daily basis. They did everything together, including showering and dressing. They had no boundaries. Kendall still felt like that, and Sage wanted to also, but things couldn't be like they used to.

With the help of his brothers, Kendall got to a place where he was himself again, if not better, but Sage was different. She was set back and altered drastically. After her time with Elliot, she was damaged enough so that she questioned her own chance at repair when she felt a sickening twist of fear and disgust in her stomach at the sensation of Kendall's fingers on her body removing a piece of clothing. She knew that he wasn't doing anything sexual, but apparently her brain didn't care. All of her basic instincts were telling her to get away and cry, but she refused them and settled on staying completely still.

Sage opened her frightened eyes when Kendall shoved the clothing completely off of her shoulders, letting it hang at her elbows. She calmed down minutely when she could physically see the boy she loved, but her guilt at being broken didn't go away.

"What… happened?" he repeated the question more slowly and clearly, almost growling when he saw just how long the scar was. He realized that the skin looked healed, letting him know that it was done long ago, but he needed to hear her tell him. He needed the truth to ease the pain that started to wrack his body.

He searched her frame worriedly, still waiting for an answer but trying not to push, but then his face fell. As she shifted sideways, the fabric moved a little down her left arm to reveal the top of the white bandage wrapped around it.

"Sage…" her name was a whisper on his lips, making his eyes sting as he brought them back up to her. She kept her focus right on him, murmuring words she knew would send him reeling.

"I wasn't in foster care…"

"What... What are you talking about?" Kendall's head shook, his entire skeleton practically trembling as his heart raced with unanswered questions. Sage licked her lips, struggling with how to explain things.

"The night you left, Elliot didn't say much to me… He, uh, sent me to bed, and then took me to school the next morning so I could drop out. I saw Dustin and said goodbye. I felt like something was off with Elliot. He wasn't acting right… He was quiet and calm, and I didn't like the way he looked; like he knew more than I did… I wanted to tell Dustin to call you, but Elliot was right there listening, and I d-didn't think it would be my last chance to do s-something…" her voice broke, tears spilled, and Kendall continued to shake.

"Last chance?" he mumbled, clutching tightly to her thighs and trying to breathe normally.

"El-Elliot took me home, and I yelled for him to tell me what was going on… He didn't e-even flinch or get m-mad," Sage explained unevenly, her voice rising with how crazy she was sure everything sounded as she remembered the way she felt in that moment a year ago; terror and shock running through her faster than she thought possible. "He's d-different than we thought, Kendall… He was hiding so m-much…" she cried gently, her composure remaining as steady as possible while tears streamed down her face.

Kendall wiped them away, ignoring his own as he struggled to stay standing.

"What did he do?" his voice echoed in his own ears, sounding all wrong and distant in the quiet room. There was no noise other than their hearts beating and erratic breathing.

"He, um, he said that I wasn't ever going to leave the house… I tried to run, but he grabbed me and drugged m-me… Chloroform probably… I woke up later, and everything was different," she stopped, squeezing her eyes shut at the memories of the early parts of her captivity; when she had no control and only pain.

She detached her emotions from the words and continued, staring at Kendall, who was waiting anxiously with a grim expression and still clinging to her like it was the only thing keeping him there.

"I was locked in my room… There were metal bars on my windows and medical supplies in the bathroom… He came in and said that he l-loved me," she choked on the phrase, remembering what it meant coming from him at the time and what it meant now. Elliot had changed more than she could fathom.

"He- " Kendall tried to fill in the gap himself, but he was nearly hyperventilating as he leaned into her. He knew the truth before she said it, but he was denying it until he got confirmation. Sage was nodding, still crying silently as she grabbed onto his arms.

"He h-had a knife to make me stop f-fighting… and he… he r-raped me," she finally admitted, feeling her entire body shake with the effort it took to say what she did. She could feel Kendall's anger and panic before he even showed it.

"Fuck!" he groaned and disconnected their bodies, suddenly unable to breathe or think at all.

He tried to calm down, but nothing worked. The walls were closing in, pressing down on his frame along with the guilt, rage, and depression. The level of fury he felt was higher than he'd ever experienced; higher than when he first saw Elliot manhandling Sage and higher than when he hit the monster for putting her in the hospital. The amount of sorrow it mixed with even went beyond what he felt when his father died. He had time to say goodbye to Kevin all those years ago, but this upset with Sage was sudden. It was ice water being doused over his head, rinsing away the optimism and contentment he had been holding onto for months.

Kendall stepped backwards before spinning on his heels, blindly finding the door and flinging it open before hurrying into the main area of the apartment with a growl. His breathing increased with the new air as he stalked towards the kitchen. He could feel Sage following behind him, and it only made him more livid. Now he could feel her just fine, but he couldn't do it when it mattered the most a year ago. He choked on his every inhale and trembled on every exhale as he marched towards the main door. He was caught in between crying and screaming, so he settled for the one that would vent his rage.

"I'm going to kill him!" Kendall punched the wall, plaster crumbling beneath his knuckles as it caved in from the force he used. It stung like a bitch, and he was bleeding, but he didn't seem to care. The physical pain was a relief compared to the emotions burning his chest.

The boys jumped up from where they had been talking and relaxing on the couch, immediately alarmed at their friend's outburst and sudden shift in mood. They watched with concern as Kendall paced forward, passing Sage, who was hanging back with quiet tears while he shook out his hand.

James, Logan, and Carlos didn't like the look on their brother's face. It reminded them of the destructive boy he used to be when they first got him back; the one who acted without really thinking and disregarded his own safety. That wasn't the real Kendall. It was who he became when the world was too much for him to handle after trying to keep everything in working order with all of his might. He wasn't fully at rock bottom yet, but they could see a glimpse of it.

They all silently vowed to protect him from himself. Sage was there now, and they couldn't let him go back to how he was before.

Kendall was the sweetest and kindest young man anyone ever met, but, when he was angry, it was another story entirely. He only got that way over the people he loved. Sometimes, it was a useful and good asset for him to possess; keeping him fighting to move him and his family forward like when he got Gustavo to allow all of them to come to California instead of just himself, but, other times, it was nothing but bad. This was one of those times.

Sage was visibly shaking, her tears slowing down as pure terror started to take over. Her mind was fighting to stay in reality.

Kendall continued breathing heavily, his face flushed as he stalked between the table and the kitchen counter like a disheartened and pissed off tiger in a small cage.

"I'm going to get on the first flight to North fuckin' Dakota and slit his throat!" he screamed, his voice growing gritty from the effort.

"Kendall, just breathe…" Sage tried to intervene like she normally would have, probably being one of the only people in the world who could calm him down with a look or touch, but only half of her was really there. She held out her hands like she might try to stop him, but then pulled them back after realizing she couldn't. Her plea fell on deaf ears, and Kendall was too far gone to notice anything.

He groaned and grabbed the table from underneath its top, flipping it over with all of his amped up strength. The numerous scrap papers and art supplies resting on it flew wildly into the air, scattering randomly as the furniture crashed onto its side with a resounding thud.

"Hey- " James tried to move forward when they all realized Kendall was completely out of control but stepped back with wide eyes when the boy's fury was focused towards him and the other guys.

"You made me believe that everything was alright… It's not!" he screamed at his friends, pointing at them before moaning and clutching at his hair. "We thought everything was going to be okay…" he lowered his tone into a gloomy one, whimpering as he kicked one of the chairs so that it clattered against the overturned table.

Sage jumped, not crying at all now. Her eyes snapped shut and she took a slow pace backwards away from her boyfriend.

"K-Kendall…" Carlos tried to speak to him but was ignored. His enraged friend just ran a hand through his hair after releasing it and stepped forward only to step back again like his body didn't know what it wanted.

"Dude, you're- " James gave it another shot, but he was cut off when Kendall kicked the chair again while his frustration increased because he couldn't think.

"You're fuckin' scaring Sage!" Logan shouted angrily, shocking all of the boys with the uncharacteristic eruption and finally getting Kendall's attention.

"Shut up! You have no idea what you're talking about. I _**never**_ scare- " Kendall stopped his dark rant when he actually looked at his girlfriend, "… Sage…" his voice lowered into a whisper at the end, the depression overtaking the anger.

Her teeth were gnawing at her bottom lip, and her eyes were clenched shut as she pictured Elliot on a rampage.

"It's okay…" she insisted blandly, keeping her eyelids pressed together; trying to convince herself that she spoke the truth.

She knew that she was with Kendall, but the fast movements and violence had her heart pumping erratically. Memories were flooding in; being pressed down and stripped of her will, consent, and freedom. It changed her more than the beatings ever had. She learned how to handle those with occasional breaks and chances to breathe when Elliot wasn't home, but the mental torture was constant over the last year; stemming from both her stepfather and herself.

In the beginning, when Elliot would finally let up on the physical part of their relationship, she would still be trapped in her room with a lock on the door and bars on the windows. It was like an asylum or prison, but she didn't deserve to be there. She wasn't an insane criminal. She was a victim, and that controlled every part of her being for over 365 days.

Now that she was out, her mind and responses were different. Strangers' actions and stares were exaggerated, and she became more paranoid than ever before. Everything had her thinking of Elliot and pushing her towards a flashback or hallucination with nothing to keep her afloat. That mental state alone increased her panic. Now there were things happening inside of her head, her only safe place, against her wishes.

Sage opened her eyes to see that Kendall had calmed down enough to stop moving, but he didn't make an attempt to go towards her. They locked gazes, and he was shocked and pained by the pure fear she was hiding behind the dark green of her irises. It was a look she had never given him before. It was always reserved for Elliot or unfamiliar people. She and Kendall had always had an abnormally instantaneous connection and craving for contact, and now it seemed as if she could break like fragile glass if he touched her.

That feeling and her stare gave Kendall a terrible sensation in his gut. It was the first time that he could really see the difference in her, and he knew she went through an altering hell without him.

"I'm fine," she muttered to him, looking over to the boys for good measure, but Kendall shook his head firmly. He knew when she was lying.

"What happened there? Was it just once? How often did he…" he trailed off, hardly able to stomach the words when he already started to formulate an answer in his head. With his stressed heart, he truly believed that she wouldn't be this way if it had just been a onetime thing.

"Don't…" she begged him not to push, still wishing she didn't have to crush him. Her chin fell down to hit her chest as she hugged her arms to her body. She was only comforted slightly by the impression of the pendant beneath her jaw.

"Please, I need to know," Kendall pressed on softly, still keeping his distance as he grinded his teeth and felt a fresh wave of anger boiling up. "How often?"

The boys watched on in confusion as Sage considered the question. They weren't aware of exactly what the pair was talking about, but they wanted the answer too. They were waiting for it with baited breath, and they didn't even know why. They were invested in Sage after all of the months of waiting.

"At the beginning, whenever h-he felt like i-it…" she admitted, her voice sounding small, but all of them heard loud and clear.

The boys knew that it couldn't have meant anything good. Kendall huffed and pivoted on his heels, taking large strides forward with purpose now. He headed for the kitchen, aiming his focus right on the phone to call the police; knowing that Sage was walking evidence. Elliot had finally messed up.

"No, Kendall, stop!" Sage sprang into action, unraveling her arms from her torso so that she could grab at the back of his shirt; clutching the blue fabric with strength that she didn't know she had left. Kendall turned back around, nearly running into her but stepping away slightly as her fingers slipped off of his shirt.

"Elliot raped you! He got away with a lot of fuckin' shit, and he's not adding this to his list. He needs to be in jail…"

He remembered that she had said she ran away, but he was outraged and shocked by her stopping him from calling the authorities. His jade-colored eyes studied her face like he could see the answer to the new riddle, but all he could detect was confusion and sadness. He couldn't understand, and Sage wasn't sure he ever would.

Kendall only ever saw Elliot in black and white. She experienced the gray.

"What's going on?" Carlos wondered, breaking the couple out of their trance as they looked over to the three boys.

Logan stood with an expression of unadulterated alarm and grief, watching them pensively. James appeared angry; his normally clean and happy features hard and twisted into a scowl, and Carlos looked innocent and young. His eyes were shiny with unshed tears; feeling the pain of his friends.

"Sage wasn't in foster care like we thought… Elliot kept her. He locked her up in the house…" Kendall explained miserably, and they all knew the rest from the earlier conversation and screaming. As they connected all of the dots, they became horrified.

"This whole time?" Logan asked warily, his heart dropping into his stomach.

"Until last night…" Sage confessed precariously, unsure of the next reaction.

"We're calling the cops," James declared firmly, reaching into his pocket to pull out his cell phone. Sage stiffened straightaway, but Carlos grabbed his wrist before she even had to say anything.

"Sage doesn't want us to…" he reminded him softly, sharing a look with his friend to tell him to back down. James tugged his arm free with a ragged sigh, dropping it to his side as he took a breath.

"This is all fucked up… Elliot should be behind bars or dead… Dead sounds awesome," he grinned darkly, getting an encouraging nod from Kendall.

James wasn't fully sarcastic, actually imagining killing someone he didn't even know. The idea of people hurting women bothered him. Yes, he technically used the female population for his own needs, but never without their consent. He always went out of his way to make sure that his dates had no wild notions about the truth of their temporary relationship. He spent time with girls who had the same intentions as he did; fun and more fun. He tried not to hurt feelings, and that was why he always avoided taking out girls he was actually interested in. James didn't like or appreciate mind games.

"Not reporting him is a mistake," he insisted confidently, glancing back down at Carlos.

"And it's hers to make," he replied immediately, sounding just as sure of himself in an uncharacteristic display of conviction; knowing that James had walked into trouble before by making decisions for other people in moments of love and stupidity. Getting Kendall a date for the school dance and trying to force Logan into ignoring his father were only his recent mishaps.

Sage looked to Carlos and the others in surprise. Kendall was usually the only one supporting her like that, and now she had three more people who were all staring at her with compassion. They cared, and that was enough to make her relax a little bit.

"But- " James tried to argue only to be interrupted by Logan.

"No, Carlos is right. She just got her freedom, and this is her _**choice**_… We can't take that away," he shook his head, pleading for Kendall and James to understand.

"I don't- Why wouldn't you want him punished?" Kendall turned to Sage with a serious expression, all anger replaced with confusion and dread.

"I told him I wouldn't say anything if he left me alone…" she offered feebly.

She knew that it was crazy because absolutely everything was nuts, and Kendall's question was a loaded one. She was puzzled and unsure of her own answer, finding it all difficult to explain. Elliot was being punished by her permanent absence and betrayal, but that wasn't easy to describe to someone who wasn't in the thick of it like she and him were.

"I just want it to be over…" she admitted, feeling her control breaking down again. "Everything was supposed to be okay when I got here, but it's bad… I don't feel right, Kendall," she started to cry again, and he did too; both of their tears streaming down their cheeks as her breathing grew erratic. "I thought it w-would stop…" she paused, her head spinning as her tongue struggled to work through the panic, "… but the fear is almost worse than before… I can't control it… Everything makes me want to scream and hide… I'm- I don't know what to do… I don't know anything," she sobbed, her head falling down again as she struggled to stay focused. "I couldn't breathe on the entire trip here unless I reminded myself to… Nothing's how I pictured it… K-Kendall… I'm s-sorry," she cried harder, thinking about everything that didn't go right.

Getting to her boyfriend was supposed to be easy after having the address and escaping Elliot, but she couldn't even be granted that. When she left the house in Ramsey, everything felt off. As she walked through the crowded bus terminal after a near jog down the barren streets, she felt like crying or sitting down right in the middle of the station until everything stopped revolving and threatening to suffocate her. She thanked the heavens when her bus to Los Angeles wasn't congested, not being able to cope with the idea of being touched; like she wasn't allowed to be or couldn't handle it if she was. She kept expecting the worst. Sage wasn't in the cocoon of her prison anymore, and that was supposed to be a good thing, but her body didn't feel it.

"Don't apologize… Don't ever- I'm the one who should be sorry," Kendall let his own tears fall, feeling the weight of everything push him down.

His knees buckled and they hit the floor with a firm bump. He reached his arms out to pull Sage towards him. She didn't resist, letting him press his head into her torso and his hands on her hips.

"I should've felt you… I could've stopped it…" he mumbled, crying harder into her body when she dipped her fingers into his hair and looked down at the top of his head with compassion.

Elliot played his game so perfectly. Kendall had been on her front lawn looking for her a year ago, and she was right up in her room, but he didn't sense her like he was sure he should have. He wanted to save her, but the damage was already done. His mind kept rolling over that day he drove to Ramsey, trying to think of all the things he could have done differently. He could have fought Elliot more after the man's declaration of Sage's departure. He could have rushed into the house in a disbelieving fury, but he did none of those things. It was easy to look back with remorse now that he knew everything; knowing the mistakes he made.

"I'm supposed to protect you… I'm supposed to save you," he whispered into her shirt, gripping her tightly and shuddering against the sense of relaxation her fingers were trying to give him; feeling like he didn't deserve to feel better.

Sage knew more than he did, thinking that he really did save her in the only way he could have during her time with Elliot. His existence and memory kept her alive and driven in the moments where she was an inch from giving up.

She thought back to the song he wrote for her, "Your Guardian Angel," and smiled as she realized that it was exactly what he was, but he didn't remember that now. He didn't feel like an angel. He felt like he failed at being her soul mate and savior. Kendall Knight wasn't used to failure. It was usually never an option, but that was taken out of his control, and they couldn't rewind.

The past happened, and it couldn't be changed.

"You- There wasn't anything you could have done… You came for me when you thought something was wrong, and Elliot lied. He messed with your head and pressed all the right buttons to keep you where he wanted…" Sage reassured him, keeping one of her hands at the back of his neck while the other wandered down to rub his shoulder as her voice became more distant. "He's good at that…" it was strained, but she knew it was the truth. Elliot had manipulated her perfectly, but she was guilty of it too. She felt just as responsible for the outcome of all of this as Elliot was. She played her own part in everything.

Kendall finally relaxed, his tears slowing down as his breathing returned to normal once he accepted her touch. Her own anxiety diminished too, taking solace in the quiet moment between them; savoring it and knowing that ones like them might be rare for a while. Kendall pulled away, squeezing her sides and rubbing his thumbs into the fabric of her shirt as his eyes took in the sight of her.

"You're bleeding," he spoke tiredly, all alarm gone from his voice as he glanced at her bandaged arm; the white now turning red towards the center. He was sickeningly used to her being injured, but he still didn't like that he had to see it again. He thought things would be different, but it was more of the same with added intensity. He'd learn to deal with it all, though, because their happiness was worth it.

"You are too," Sage grinned a little, tilting her chin towards the hand he used to punch the wall. The skin was scraped on the knuckles, small drops of blood pooling at the surface. Kendall almost chuckled at her dark humor, blinking away the last of his tears as he climbed to his feet; feeling slightly blessed at the small glimpse he had just gotten at the old Sage, who used smiles and a light attitude to heal both him and herself.

He stood up, using his good hand to wipe at his jeans while keeping the other anchored on Sage. He looked over to his friends, seeing that Logan and the others had stepped forward once they actually saw her arm; really taking in the sight of the bandage for the first time among all of the chaos.

Kendall turned his attention back onto Sage, sighing and holding her arm delicately.

"You know the drill," he kissed her cheek tenderly, playing a little with her hair before reluctantly letting her go.

Sage nodded and walked around the counter to sit on one of the stools, just like she used to do when she'd come home to him with injures in Ramsey. Staying calm and collected, Kendall retrieved the first aid kit from the kitchen cabinet while James, Carlos, and Logan all hung back; only inching forward occasionally when it felt appropriate. They all wanted to support the couple without overwhelming Sage. They just needed to be there.

Kendall stood in front of her after putting the kit on the counter and dragged the trashcan over to rest bedside him. Sage held her arm out, and he didn't like the fact that she was refusing to make eye contact with him. He knew from experience that it meant he wasn't going to like what came next. Pushing away the nagging feeling in his chest, he unwrapped her arm carefully only to gasp at the reveal of her wound.

It was a cut over three inches long, running diagonally from her wrist and upward towards her torso. The skin around it was bloodstained, and the butterfly bandages she had placed on the gash weren't doing their job. Two of them had disconnected completely from the moisture of the blood, which wasn't gushing but didn't appear to want to just stop on its own after she had been moving around a lot.

Kendall's eyes were wide, and his mouth dropped open. His gaze darted up to Sage, who looked upset but didn't pull her arm away. She knew she had cut deeply, but not that deep; surprising herself right along with her boyfriend.

"Logan," he called out quickly, grateful that the boy hurried over instantly with Carlos and James behind him.

"James, get Kendall some ice for his hand," Logan ordered calmly, entering doctor-mode swiftly as he approached them.

Kendall held Sage's arm out for Logan, who automatically knew to only look and not touch. James started to gather ice in a plastic bag while Carlos brought a damp paper towel over, placing it against his friend's battered hand and wiping away the small amount of blood that covered his knuckles. Kendall gave him a small and appreciative smile, letting the boy clean him up without complaint before turning his focus back onto Logan. He was assessing the cut with narrowed eyes, keeping his hands in his pockets so he wouldn't be tempted to reach out and make contact.

"It's deep… What did it? Was it clean?" he asked routinely, glancing up at Sage and watching her bite the inside of her cheek.

"Yeah, he cleaned it every time he used it… It was a pocket knife…" she answered softly, keeping her eyes on Logan before tearing them away.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and appeared flustered by the vague mention of Elliot. James dropped the ice on the bottom of the freezer, and Carlos breathed through his nose heavily; scowling while he finished cleaning Kendall's hand. The blonde struggled to stay still, his fingers tightening at Sage's elbow in an attempt to remain grounded.

"Okay, um…" Logan tried to focus again, shaking his head to clear it. "You need stitches. We have to go to the hospital… I'll drive so Ken- "

"No hospitals," Sage interjected, looking right up at Kendall with fear; telling him without words that she couldn't do it as she pulled her arm free of his hold.

"Can you do it?" Kendall turned to Logan, pleading with him as James came over and silently handed him a bag of ice. He accepted it quickly, placing it on his knuckles while continuing to beg Logan with a frown.

He knew he could trust Logan more than any stranger with Sage, even if that stranger had a PhD. The boy had taken many emergency aid courses as a recreation, soaking up information from those and his time volunteering at the hospital with an eager mind. His face was always buried in medical books, preparing for the future he thought was definitely his before going down the path that he did with his friends in Los Angeles with an open mind; keeping his future as a doctor still plausible in his thoughts. Logan may not have been qualified, but that didn't matter to Kendall. Technicalities didn't matter at all anymore. He was overwhelmed and just needed help in a way that Sage could handle, and his friend could offer that.

"I'd prefer not to…" Logan admitted uneasily, slouching under the stare of his best friend.

Kendall tilted his head to the side, wordlessly asking for Logan to give him a second alone with Sage. The boy stepped backwards, while James and Carlos did the same on the other side of the counter; all pretending not to listen even though they could hear clearly, and the only thing they wanted to focus on was Kendall and Sage.

"Are you sure you don't want to go?" Kendall asked her sympathetically, knowing her hate for hospitals, but also realizing that it ran deeper now.

"I- I can't leave here and be out… _**there**_…" she explained shakily, biting her lip when she felt like an idiot for having the fear in the first place.

"Alright," Kendall relented immediately, giving her a warm smile but not attempting to reach up and touch her face like he wanted to, "but he's going to have to touch you…" he added quietly, grimacing when her face twisted in apprehension.

Sage glanced over towards Logan, who was keeping his eyes focused on his shoes and his arms crossed.

"Do you trust him?" she inquired nervously, staring right at Kendall with faith.

"With my life," he nodded once, responding without a second thought and grinning sincerely to show her that she shouldn't be afraid. He knew the gesture was probably useless, but he felt the need to give it to her anyway.

"Then I'll be okay…" Sage tried to smile, the expression coming out weak but still making Kendall relax.

"Please, Logie?" he asked again, turning to him with a small frown. Logan sighed heavily.

"I don't like this. I've only ever practiced on dummies or pigs feet for a cut like that," he paused when James and Carlos cringed. Kendall was still staring at Sage like she was the only one in the room. "I'm not really supposed to do it…" he trailed off with another sigh, just knowing that he was going to end up stitching Sage's wound anyway because it was Kendall's idea, and he had trouble denying his stubborn friend anything, especially something important like this.

"You did it for Carlos in junior year that time he fell when we were camping," James offered with a hopeful smile. The injury Carlos had gotten wasn't much at all compared to Sage's, but he knew his friend could do it.

Logan glared at him like he wasn't helping, but he really was.

James was helping Sage, and he himself wasn't even sure why he was so passionate about her all of a sudden. He had always taken her existence for granted, but now she was actually by him, and he could see the panic and love mixing in Kendall's eyes. His brothers' pain was his pain. They all shared it, and Sage, merely being who she was to Kendall, had fallen into the role of their sister before any of them could really see it. James didn't know how to label it yet, and he wouldn't be able to for a while. His limited emotional capacity when it came to women would have normally stopped him from accepting her into his heart. His brain wasn't making the connection, but the ache in his chest at the harm coating her entire soul certainly was. Sage needed help and protection, and the four boys were all banding together to do it, and, for once, James didn't even ask what was in it for him. It was just the right thing to do. Sage belonged with them, and she deserved to be happy with Kendall.

"Sage has to be sure that it's what she wants… If it gets infected, then we _**have**_ to go to the hospital," Logan stared at all of them, stopping on Sage with a slight apology for the ultimatum, but he was standing his ground.

"You have what you need to do it?" she asked, silently accepting his terms.

"The internet is a wonderful invention," he smirked, shrugging his shoulders once in defeat; still in disbelief that he was going to sew her up. "Kendall, can you wash her arm off under the faucet? Make sure the towel is clean when you dry it, and try not to rub against the actual wound!" Logan shouted orders as he rushed off up the stairs to his room to get an emergency suture and surgical kit, grateful that he always over prepared for possible disasters; a tendency he'd gotten from an early age after joining peewee hockey with the boys.

Logan was back by the time Kendall had Sage cleaned up and dried off. The wound had stopped bleeding and was free of debris because of her nicely done patchwork the night before, but its size and depth would definitely remain a problem if he didn't take care of it. Logan sat down on the stool beside Sage, placing his suture kit on the countertop between them after kicking the garbage can even further over so he'd have it at his disposal. Kendall stood near his girlfriend, watching every movement like a hawk, and James and Carlos stayed put on the other side of the counter.

After opening the kit, Logan slipped on a pair of rubber gloves and took out the supplies. He had a few packs of gauze, rubbing alcohol, and a prepackaged needle and thread that were hermetically sealed. The needle was small, thin, and curved with a silk thread attached to the end. He unscrewed the rubbing alcohol and started to gather a bit of gauze into his hand.

"You just have this stuff lying around?" Sage grinned slightly with a curious expression, observing everything she'd only ever seen in a hospital.

"I'd be stupid not to," Logan grinned back, glancing over at Carlos before turning his attention back to the gauze.

"I'm accident prone," Carlos explained with a sheepish smile, tapping his lucky helmet that he had left on the counter when they arrived home earlier.

"Good to know I'm not the only injury-magnet," Sage smiled good-naturedly, making Carlos beam at her.

Her expression changed drastically when Logan's fingers circled slowly around her wrist, causing her to jump and clamp her mouth shut. He hadn't even made full contact when she shuddered and froze, trying to pull away while her shaky muscles fought against her instincts to remain still. Her conflicting emotions and body made her dizzy.

"Sorry! Sorry…" Logan spoke quickly, feeling stupid for not thinking again as he started to enter a clinical state of mind when he went to assess the cut further.

Both apologies were for Sage, but they were also directed at Kendall when he saw his friend instinctively reach out for the girl's back to reassure her as he always would only to pull away when he thought twice about the possibly alarming contact. His face read pure agony, one that would probably hurt more than the needle passing through Sage's arm.

"It's okay…" she mumbled while taking deep breaths to calm down, looking up at Logan to remind herself of who she was really with.

She saw his eyes dart behind her, so she turned her head quickly and smiled as soon as she saw Kendall. She could detect the look on his face that Logan saw, and the guilt burned her entire abdomen. She hated that expression on him; hated causing such pain after he only ever gave her joy. Her eyes stung with another round of tears, and she couldn't ever remember crying so much even when she was in the beginning stages with Elliot. The emotional turmoil was most likely worse now than it ever was back then.

"Hold my hand?" she asked hopefully, raising her palm into the air towards Kendall. He let out a trembling breath that shook her spine as the air passed through his best attempt at a smile.

"Always," he answered easily, interlocking their fingers tightly and remembering when he used to memorize the way it felt about two years ago.

It was a familiar sensation now, one that warmed him and eased the nerves jumping in his body for just a moment; a moment when that blissful calm came back. He cherished the feeling before it dissipated, leaning in to kiss the side of her head firmly and letting his lips stay as he took in her scent. It was both for her benefit and his own, the familiarity of it all making his anger and frustration dwindle. Sage relaxed too, liking how the way he felt pressed against her in that second was purely Kendall and in no way Elliot. It was a lucky moment to experience.

Elliot and Kendall were so different physically, but it seemed as if her body kept trying to make her forget that; attempting to tarnish the last good things she had left with irrational anxiety.

"I don't have anything to numb the pain… It's going to hurt…" Logan told her miserably. He only had some topical anesthetic cream that he couldn't put on the open wound without the risk of irritation. He'd prefer it if she had a lidocaine injection, but he wasn't able to keep something like that in his trusty quantity of supplies.

"I'm sure it can't be worse than when- " Sage stopped her train of thought when Kendall tightened his hand in hers, and she could practically feel his eyes, as well as the boys', on the scar near her heart where it was visible above the tank top and contrasted with her overly pale skin. "I'll handle it," she said dimly, not looking forward to the pain but also thinking that it was the least of her worries.

Logan accepted her answer, taking her hand slowly into his own gloved one. She stiffened a little more but didn't fight him as he swabbed a little rubbing alcohol around the gash on her arm, tossing the gauze into the trash bin beside him once he was done.

"I swear you don't need to be scared of me. Ask the guys…" Logan started in earnest but now he was grinning and leaning just a fraction of an inch closer to her and speaking in a loud whisper. "I'm kind of a wimp…"

Carlos giggled, and it was infectious as always. Sage cracked a smile; almost forgetting that his hand was closed around her wrist to keep her steady. Logan's own nerves were leveling out now that she was relaxing a bit, and he brought her arm forward and into his lap so he could see what he was doing more easily. He gingerly rested the back of her hand on his thigh, looking up instantly to make sure that the close proximity was okay. Sage gave him a small nod of reassurance, directing her smile at him until he felt calm enough to proceed. She wasn't sure why she was okay with him touching her, but she guessed that the rubber gloves, and no actual skin-on-skin connection, were helping.

He ripped open the sealed needle and thread, running a fresh amount of alcohol over it for good measure before pressing the curved needle into the first layer of her skin closest to him around the laceration. The pain was there, but it was distant along the injured nerves of her irritated skin, and Sage squeezed Kendall's hand for comfort. Her eyes were shut, focusing on feelings alone as she assessed any possible threat, but Logan was gentle and tranquil. He wasn't dangerous.

"You're good at this," she commented softly, opening her eyes to watch the thread pass through in a swift yet slow movement.

Logan shrugged a shoulder out of modesty, giving her a smile as he dug the needle into the opposite side of the cut.

"You wanted to be a doctor, right?" she asked thoughtfully, thinking back to the stories Kendall had told her long ago.

"Y-Yeah," Logan continued to smile despite the fact that he knew he was causing her pain with the way the needle cut back through her skin.

"But now you're here…" Sage grinned, glancing around the apartment while Logan nodded.

"Now I'm here," he said it happily, having made peace with his risky decision to put off college for a chance at stardom with his family. "Sometimes plans are just plans… Reality is different…" he declared confidently, knowing that the unforeseen circumstances he and his brothers went through together are what made him come to his conclusion.

"A lot different," Sage agreed while looking down to watch the needle curve towards the wound to dig inward and pop back through the other side, dragging the dark silk thread with it.

Kendall smiled as he watched Logan and Sage get along easily. He sort of always thought they'd be kindred spirits; great confidants that would come together effortlessly if given the chance, and he was grateful beyond belief for it. That connection made Sage feel less alone and more comfortable, and it didn't hurt that it made him feel the same way. Kendall wanted to hug Logan for being amazing and always pulling through when they needed him the most, but he just gripped Sage's hand tighter because he knew that, if he let go, he'd lose his composure completely. He needed Sage's touch to keep him grounded, or there would be more overturned furniture in his future.

"Why did he do that to you?" James asked suddenly, breaking the silence that had settled over the group. Kendall, Sage, and Logan looked over to him; seeing that he stood behind the sink with crossed arms and that Carlos sat on the counter next to him with one leg tucked beneath him and his helmet on his lap.

James appeared agitated, still upset by everything that he learned, and Kendall was a little happy by his friend's anger; wishing he could feed into it himself but letting the need to be there for his girlfriend win after throwing his tantrum.

"Sorry, you don't have to answer that…" James backpedaled with wide eyes after he realized that he spoke out loud, giving Sage an apologetic expression.

"James makes a habit out of speaking before thinking," Logan informed her with a grin, glaring sideways at his friend before resuming his work on her arm when James didn't even make an attempt to disagree.

Sage shook her head. She wanted to explain things, even though it was difficult to bring up. This was Kendall's family, and she couldn't deny the support that they were offering her when she needed it more than ever. They were expecting answers, and it would feel wrong not to give them. James may have come off aggravated, but she could read his demeanor and see that it was similar to Kendall's; exuding safety and concern.

"He would use the knife to, uh, make me stay st-still…"

Logan stopped what he was doing, pausing mid-tug on the thread as the room fell silent again, but he pursed his lips and continued after taking a calming breath. They all knew what she had to "stay still" for.

"But I did this myself," Sage added quietly, glancing down at the gash on her forearm to see that Logan was nearly halfway done. She hadn't been noticing the discomfort much; the thoughts in her head way too loud to notice physical pain.

Kendall was immediately terrified at her statement, thinking that she had made a habit out of cutting herself. He couldn't believe that she'd do that after how Julia died, which he didn't know the truth about yet. Sage was choosing to hold on to that information for now. Kendall had enough on his mind for one night.

"Why, Sage?" Kendall fought more tears, surprised that he had any left.

"I didn't want to do it," she assured him hastily, realizing what he must have thought. "I just… It was the only way out… I told Elliot that I'd kill myself if he didn't lock his wrist onto the bars of my window… I had to mean it, or he wouldn't have believed me… I had to be willing to die," she explained distantly, growing sad at the thought of ever having to make that decision again. It was one of the hardest choices she was ever faced with.

"Why does he care whether you die or not?" Carlos asked innocently, piping up after remaining silent for a long time and soaking everything in. He couldn't imagine why a man like her stepfather would shy away from death after everything else he had done to her.

"Um, Elliot is in love with m-me…" she told them lamely, still hating how it sounded out loud. "In his own really, really fucked up way, he cares about me more than himself… So, I used that against him…" Sage shrugged her unoccupied arm slightly, no explanation feeling sufficient for what she had been through for a whole year. There was just so much to say without her really knowing how.

"He doesn't love you… He can't, not when he hurts you like he does," Kendall insisted crossly, struggling again to keep his emotions at bay as he imagined all the ways he could torture Elliot.

"He knew that," Sage agreed with a frown, glancing up at her boyfriend and knowing her words weren't going to be easy for him to hear, "and that's why he stopped… Elliot hasn't hit me or raped me in a long time… After a while, we just talked. Well, he talked, and I was forced to listen. I resisted him until I realized that giving in might get me somewhere… One day in February, Elliot and I had an argument, and he finally took me out of my room… He pulled me into his and showed me a file on you," Sage paused, only noticing that her eyes had stopped focusing when she pulled out of the memory to stare up at Kendall after blinking a few times. "He had someone watching you; keeping an eye on you to make sure you didn't come back to Ramsey… He told me that you moved on, came here for a new life and stopped loving me- "

"I would never do that," Kendall declared with a ragged exhale, fuming at the thought of ever giving up on her.

"I know," Sage smiled sweetly at him, caressing the back of his hand with her thumb as she continued her story, "but he didn't." Her lips curled into a grin. "I saw a picture of you in the file he had, and that kept me going for a while. It gave me hope. I just kept thinking about being with you again."

Kendall gave her a smile, leaning down cautiously for a kiss and waiting for her to close the distance between them. He ignored the way his body ached at the fact that they never hesitated before and just enjoyed it when she pressed a chaste kiss to his lips. Sage thought for a moment, trying to remember what else she should say. Nothing felt adequate enough to match up with her experiences, but she needed to give him something. She glanced back down at Logan's working hands as she said the next part, not wanting to see Kendall's eyes.

"So, I told Elliot that I loved him t-too… He believed me and started letting me out of my room when he was home… It eventually gave me the chance to get the knife…" Sage stopped there, not willing do dive into the final part of her escape; possibly one of the more emotional things she had been through with Elliot. It was too hard to put into words right now. She didn't even understand it fully yet.

"You totally conned the bastard," James looked pleased with her, his hands lowering to grip the edge of the sink as he leaned forward with a smile and Carlos rolled his eyes beside him.

"Yeah, it wasn't easy, but I guess it got the job done… I'm here, and he's there…" Sage started smiling but ended distantly, her gaze falling downward to watch Logan start on the final stitches in her arm. She was keeping the story a lot simpler than it really was.

"What makes you think he won't come here?" Kendall wondered faintly, almost sounding as if he was talking to himself before Sage realized it was directed at her. She stared at Kendall nervously, already knowing he wouldn't like the answer.

"Because I told him not to…"

Kendall was truly starting to believe that he'd never understand what Sage had gone through in her year without him. He hated being lost; not knowing what was really going on in her head without asking. They were always connected and bonded to a point where they were easy to read at just a single glance, but that was gone now. Elliot destroyed it. Now it felt like they had to start all over again, only this staring point was set back even further than it had been when they first met. They had so much more to overcome than they originally thought. Things were out of their control for so long, and now this life was tossed into their laps after someone mangled it into a bloody mess.

It wasn't fair, but neither one of them were going to give up. They had come too far together already. They refused to throw away their chance at a happy ending.

* * *

"You're afraid of the bed, aren't you?" Kendall asked with a solemn expression, standing in the middle of their bedroom as he watched her stare at the furniture with a look of sheer distress. Sage swallowed, snapping her head towards him and playing with the pendant on her neck nervously.

"Is it that obvious?" she smiled uneasily, crossing her arms over her chest and feeling free enough to take a calming step back now that he was aware of her fear.

"I know you, Sage. You're easy to read now that I know what I'm seeing," he explained, his head tipping downward with the weight of everything. "Just tell me what you need… Don't hide, okay?" he offered her a warm grin, holding his hand out and letting her choose whether or not she wanted to experience the contact.

"Okay… I guess I… I feel stupid," she admitted with a heavy sigh, glaring at the bed with enough hatred to make Kendall chuckle as she slipped her hand into his own and leaned against him so that she could feel the heat of his body through the fabric of the jersey she wore.

After Logan had finished stitching her up and wrapping her arm in a clean bandage, giving her instructions about how to care for it and telling her he wanted to see it the next afternoon, everyone headed off to bed. It was late into the night after everything settled down, and Kendall had avoided calling Karen and Katie. They were sleeping peacefully in Minnesota with little worries on their minds, and he wanted to give them one more night of that bliss. He'd think about it in the morning with a fresh mind. Luckily, he and the guys weren't due back at the studio until the day after tomorrow, so he had time to think of a good lie to tell Gustavo and Kelly so he could stay home with Sage as long as she needed him.

He only wanted to worry about her for the time being, and that was enough stress to deal with for a whole lifetime. Things between them when they were alone were always easy compared to when they each dealt with the rest of the world, but Kendall felt that change too. The love was still there, never fading in the least, but he had to be more careful with his actions; not getting too close without her consent so she wouldn't be startled. She even dressed in the bathroom instead of beside him like they normally would have. She was wearing one of his hockey jerseys from Sherwood and a pair of shorts she had brought with her, and he wore sweatpants and a t-shirt. He would have usually not bothered with a shirt, but he did it for her comfort, knowing that a large amount of skin may put negative thoughts in her head.

Kendall didn't even know all the details yet, but he was preparing for absolutely anything and everything.

"Don't feel stupid. You're allowed to be upset after… all of that…" he muttered, not able to find the right way to put what she had gone through with Elliot and unsure if he even wanted to say the words ever again. "How about we sleep on the floor? That should be good, right?" he put his smile back on his face, letting optimism shine through once he had figured out a solution. He didn't hesitate to detach from her reluctantly and rip the sheets off of the mattress.

"Kendall, I'm not making you sleep on the floor," Sage complained softly, picking at the hem of her shirt while he shook out the lighter blanket and laid it over the carpet between the bed and the desk. He smirked at her, tossing two pillows onto the floor.

"I love how you argue with me like you can change my mind… I missed that…" he sighed, taking a moment to just stare at her and appreciate the fact that she was there despite everything they had gone through.

"You're still a charmer... and I missed that…" she grinned, rolling her eyes in defeat before looking at the makeshift bed on the floor, which Kendall had tossed a quilt at the bottom of. "If I hear you bitching about your back in the morning, then you're gonna get an earful of 'I told you so'," she warned him playfully, happy that they could settle into their familiar banter.

It was easy once they started, but then Kendall sat on the floor with a teasing huff, and Sage's mood shifted; nerves buzzing and head swimming at the idea of lying down beside someone that wasn't Elliot in a room that she hardly knew.

"What's wrong?" Kendall asked immediately, studying the way her shoulders tensed and her eyes widened slightly as they looked around the room.

"Uh…" Sage wasn't avoiding him. She was trying to figure out a solution; something to make the fear die down, knowing it wouldn't fully go away no matter what. "Does the door have a lock on it? Can we lock it?" she ranted a little, her voice shaking as she struggled to stay calm enough to remain in reality and not her memories.

Kendall hopped up instantly, not hesitating to ease past her and click the lock on the door knob.

It made her feel a bit better, but she didn't know if it was because she felt like no one could get in or if it was because it was harder for her to get out; simulating the prison she had actually grown comfortable with back in North Dakota.

"Better?" he asked, panting as his own panic tried to settle in.

He didn't like the look of distress on her face. He knew what she needed. She needed more. Thinking for a moment while Sage just stared at him and the door, Kendall grinned when he got an idea. He turned to his left and grabbed the sides of his dresser that rested against the wall in front of the bed, dragging it across the carpet with ease; using the muscles he'd gained from hockey and dance practice over the year. He stopped when it was directly blocking the door, spinning back towards Sage with a satisfied smile and a deep breath.

"Better," she smiled with gratitude, feeling her spine grow less stiff when she felt like she was almost trapped. It shouldn't have been a good feeling, but it was familiar, and that's what she was craving; things she knew and had already coped with. Being closed in was a major one.

Kendall nodded, reaching back towards the door and leaning over the dresser to turn the light above their heads off; leaving only a small glow coming from an outlet in the adjoining bathroom.

"Is the dark alright?" he asked cautiously, keeping his hand on the switch in case it wasn't.

"Yeah," she spoke quietly, not really fearing the blackened room but not sure if she liked that she couldn't see Kendall anymore until her eyes adjusted.

"I'm here," he whispered like he knew exactly what she was thinking. "Hold out your hand," he instructed gently, stepping forward with confidence. He had known the room for a few months and was sure he could maneuver until his sight grew accustomed to the new lighting. He found her hand with his own in only a few seconds, clasping it slowly enough for her to get used to the contact. "I'll lay on the side closest to the bed," he mumbled, happy when he could see the outline of her body as time ticked on.

"Thank you," she whispered back with a smile that he could hardly see, letting him pull her down onto the floor so that her body rested exactly parallel to his.

They kept holding hands, staring at the ceiling in silence for several minutes; both unsure of what to say and not really wanting to say much at all. The entire year, and even this night, had been rough, but they were together, and that was enough to be grateful for. Kendall squeezed her hand, turning his head on the pillow to stare at the girl he loved through the darkness. His eyes were fully adjusted now, and he could see almost everything; his memory filling in any gaps the heavy shadows stole from him.

"Can I hold you?" he asked, trying not to sound desperate but pretty sure that he failed. He had dreamt of sleeping with her in his arms every night for an eternity, and he wasn't sure what her answer would be, but he didn't think it would hurt to ask.

Sage stiffened, doubtful of the situation. The only person who held her recently was Elliot, and she didn't want to remember that, but this was Kendall. He shouldn't be able to do anything wrong, and she anxiously wanted to feel him around her like she used to as she fell asleep.

"I- Uh, yes…" it came out as more of a question rather than an answer, making Sage bite her tongue and curse herself for her sudden lack of acting skills. She fooled Elliot because he was weak, but Kendall always saw right through her.

"Are you lying?" he inquired skeptically, hating that he had to ask. He never had to before, having always just known the meaning behind her words.

"I don't know," she confessed despondently, choking down her sadness before turning to look at him again. "Just try it… I want you to…"

Kendall relented, letting down his wall of apprehension and rolling on his side slowly. He kept his movements spaced out, not wanting to do anything too fast to surprise her. Sage turned too, being careful not to move her bandaged arm around too much; fearing that Logan would say she had to go to the hospital if she irritated the needlework he had done. She smiled when she saw Kendall's face in front of her, halfway expecting it to be Elliot and finding relief when it was the boy she loved instead.

"Hi," he murmured with a grin.

"Hi," she uttered back with a smile, blinking slowly as she kept her eyes on his face.

He let her relax completely before attempting to scoot closer, shifting his body towards hers and placing a hand on her hip. Sage gasped, jolting at the touch as memories pushed into the forefront of her mind. She settled almost as soon as she had jumped, not even giving Kendall a chance to rip his palm off of her before she was looking right at him again.

"You okay?" he asked uncertainly, quirking a brow and praying that he could keep trying.

"Go ahead," she spoke weakly, her resolve obviously fading as her eyes moved downward and then up again in jerky movements as she studied the minimal space between them.

"Promise you'll say when you want me to stop," he begged, not waiting for the confirmation he knew she'd give as he leaned in a little bit more; sliding his hand up and around her waist so that it was pressed flat against her lower back.

Her breathing became almost nonexistent while she constantly reminded herself that it was Kendall, loving and adorable Kendall, touching her. It wasn't Elliot. She kept her teeth clenched and her eyes open, but it didn't matter much because the images in front of her started to melt away and reshape into ones that were only in her mind; ones of Elliot's room and of his face when he was above her. Kendall slipped his hand a bit further, nearly pressing his chest to hers.

"Stop," she cried out, her voice strained with panic. She relaxed immediately, feeling Kendall freeze as soon as the request left her mouth just like she knew he would. "I'm sorry," she added, letting a tear fall onto the pillow beneath her head when her boyfriend's touch still sent shivers of alarm up her spine, but she wasn't going to tell him to move. She didn't want him to go. She'd rather suffer through the pain than not feel him at all. She didn't care what her body was saying. Her heart needed him.

"No apologizing," he reminded her sweetly, keeping his hand perfectly still on her back; unwilling to push the limit. He took a lot of risks, but testing Sage's comfort and sanity wasn't going to be one of them. "Go to sleep," he whispered, shutting his eyes to set an example even though he wasn't sure if slumber was actually possible with the speed at which his brain was working over everything that had happened that evening, but he needed to do what was best for Sage. She needed rest.

"I love you," she declared tenderly, trying not to let the guilt override anything good she felt as she lifted her own hand up to rest on his side. Her fingers slipped beneath the hem of his shirt, tickling his skin slightly and making him shiver. She memorized the way it felt, ignoring her sudden panic long enough to cherish it before pulling her fingers back over the fabric and resting them comfortably on his ribs. Kendall smiled, knowing and appreciating that she was trying for them.

"I love you too… So much…" he assured her, pressing his hand delicately into the small of her back so carefully that a normal person might have not detected it, but he knew her overactive body would.

As he listened for her breathing to turn shallow and for Sage to fall asleep, Kendall fought not to scowl. He kept thinking how unfair life had been to them. They had gone through so many trials, their relationship unlikely from the very start, but they had made it together only to be tested again with something of this magnitude. Their reunion should have been love-filled and emotional in a relieving way, not adding to the burdens they both carried. He should be holding her tightly against him, making love to her like it was their last day on earth, but none of that was happening. Instead, they had to keep one another at a distance out of a fear that shouldn't have had to exist.

Kendall decided in that moment, feeling Sage's warm body beneath his hand, that he'd fight tooth and nail to get them to where they deserved to be. He'd do anything to make Sage healthy again; give her everything she needed, even if it pained them with its necessity. The littlest things mattered now, and he was going to make it his job to pay attention to them all.

* * *

It felt like sleep had hardly claimed him when Kendall blinked awake the next morning with a headache, rolling to his side to feel for Sage only to find her space empty. He sat up immediately, panicked until he saw that the dresser was still in front of the door. It was almost as if he was convinced that last night had been a dream and a nightmare combined, one he still wouldn't take back after knowing the outcome because Sage was with him again. The bright California sun mocked him as it slipped through the cracks around his door, making him rub at his temples as he searched around the room for Sage.

His eyes scanned the bed before remembering that the idea of her being on it was a stupid one, and then he turned his attention onto the bathroom door. It was slightly ajar, just like she usually left it for him in their mornings together in North Dakota. Kendall smiled fondly as he lifted himself off of the floor. He made sure not to touch the bed, feeling as if he'd be contaminated for Sage if he made contact with it, and then strolled over to the bathroom.

"Do you feel any better?" he asked casually, attempting to ignore the weight of his question as he pushed the door the rest of the way open so he could peer inside.

As soon as he saw Sage, he knew the idea had been idiotic.

She was wearing a towel, having showered earlier when she awoke from a quick, dreamless, and tense sleep. It was as if her body woke her up right before the nightmares were undoubtedly about to creep in. She stood in front of the mirror, running a comb through her hair with a calm expression. The bathroom in Ramsey had become her safe place; somewhere that Elliot very rarely went and she could call her own without any bad memories linked directly to it. She had left the door open out of habit, never having cared about it with Elliot because she was never in that room unless he wasn't home.

Kendall's sudden appearance had her dropping the comb and yelping softly, clutching onto the sink out of pure fear that was refusing to die without a fight. His eyes widened, unsure of what to do other than stay completely frozen, and his gaze traveled downward when something caught his attention. It was another scar, just noticeable on her thigh below the hem of the towel wrapped around her body. It made his stomach churn; now having visual evidence of Elliot near a part of Sage that only she and Kendall had shared

"S-Sorry," he groaned and stuttered, quickly retreating and shutting the door behind him while trying not to slam it in a fit of rage after seeing the way Sage stared at him like a stranger; behaving more vulnerably than on the day he first met her.

He had said there should be no apologies, but he couldn't stop himself this time. The only thing he felt was remorse.

He was sorry that she was scared.

He was sorry that she was hurting.

He was sorry that he couldn't stop it.

* * *

James glared at his alarm clock as the numbers on it changed every minute. He had gotten almost no sleep the entire night, watching the room and the light shift around him through his windows as the moon carved its path in the sky and the sun rose up in its place. He couldn't turn his brain off long enough to rest, continually thinking about his brother and Sage unquestionably suffering across the hall.

When the numbers changed one more time, the alarm buzzed annoyingly, and he silenced it with a harsh slap to the top; making the room quiet again. It was time for his usual morning routine of hair care and outfit selection, but he couldn't feel the desire to bother at all. He climbed out of bed with a permanent frown, remembering to put on a black wife beater and sweatpants before making his way out of the room. He passed the mirror on his journey to the exit, staring at his abnormally disheveled brown hair and the dark circles under his eyes before shrugging indifferently. Something like his appearance didn't seem to matter so much after the night they all had.

He opened the door, strolling down the hall at a slow speed as he passed Sage and Kendall's door and internally hoped that they'd emerge from it hand in hand with loving smiles on their faces, but he knew that it wasn't going to happen.

Nothing was going according to their optimistic plans.

James entered the main area of the apartment, the smell of bacon immediately hitting him along with the sight of Logan moving around the kitchen and fixing breakfast with an unreadable expression on his face. He stood over the stove and offered a sad smile to James when he saw him come in before moving a pan full of eggs around by the handle. Carlos was sitting on the couch, staring at the television. His favorite weekend morning cartoons were playing, but he didn't even have the sound on. His eyes were unfocused on the antics of the colorful characters as his fingers fidgeted in his lap. James smiled at him, waving slightly and getting a similar weak gesture in return.

Carlos sighed, turning the TV off and lifting himself from the couch, still wearing his pajamas like James. Logan was the only one who was fully dressed, but that didn't mean he had felt good when he woke up. In fact, he entered a routine of dressing and making breakfast just to help him relax; focusing on small tasks to ignore the overall depression they felt.

"I'll get them," Carlos broke the silence, strolling past James while he wordlessly helped Logan carry plates of food to the table.

Plastering a painful smile onto his face, Carlos approached the closed bedroom door and knocked softly. His almost knocked again after getting no response, but then he heard something behind the wood. Kendall was dragging the dresser out of the way.

"Hey, Carlos," he smiled at his friend wearily, holding up most of his weight with his hand on the doorknob.

"Logie made breakfast," Carlos told him happily, knowing that they could both see that it was forced.

"Okay, we'll be right there," Kendall assured him softly, smiling once more before clicking the door shut again.

Carlos sighed, slowly going back to the table with James and Logan and only perking up a little bit when he heard Sage and Kendall leave the room to join them. The couple was oddly quiet, unsettling the boys as they sat around the table. However, whether they knew it or not, Sage leaned into Kendall's side and he pressed back slightly; both gravitating to each other like magnets without letting the pull fully suck them in. It made the rest of the group smile.

The chance at recovery was there, but it was buried underneath so much destruction.

They sat around the table together as a family of five for the first time, all affected from the new changes in their own ways. Logan was studying them all with roaming eyes as he slowly sipped on a glass of orange juice. James picked at a slice of bacon, a greasy food he'd usually reject, and his posture was slouched rather than poised. Carlos shuffled his syrup-coated meal around on the plate, his normally ravenous appetite nowhere in sight. Sage bit into a piece of toast slowly, trying to decipher anyone's movements before they were actually made while she was still getting used to the new space and people around her. Kendall kept his attention on Sage no matter what anyone else did, his eyes only leaving her to glance down at his fork when he stabbed into his food randomly.

The family was quiet. They were sad. They were angry. They were tired. They were worried about the future, but, on the bright side, they were together.

After a year of waiting, growing, and suffering, the five teenagers were united, and they were better off than they had been a day before even if they couldn't see it yet. Nothing had gone as planned, and everything was fucked up beyond belief, but they had the chance to be the team that they were meant to be now. Sage needed them, but they needed her too. Carlos, James, and Logan needed her the second they saw how much she composed Kendall's life, and they accepted her into their tightly knit group before they even knew her. Things may have been heartbreaking and difficult to deal with, but they'd never change their minds, and circumstances could improve with time and effort.

Sage was damaged, tortured, and entirely abnormal.

She fit in perfectly.

* * *

**A/N: So… much… angst :D (I love it, really :) Did you? I hope you didn't think that everything would be super happy :( If you did, sorry to crush you lol XD  
**

**Oh! Please look at my new profile pic of a 3D rendering of the "S and K" pendant on Kendall's bedpost that my sister made for fun :) (a huge TY to her, rattle-my-KAGE. She did an amazing job :D)**

**And thank you to all of my new reviewers that popped up with last week's finale! I hope to see you around again for this chapter. Tell me anything you want :D Say hi, cry, cheer, boo XD PLEASE REVIEW :)**


	33. Big Time Confessions

**A/N: Another long chapter XD But I really love it lol The only thing that sucks is how wrecked my hands are after typing it all :P**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**Usual shoutout: ****Go check out**_ Surfergal23_**'s wonderful Hooked. It's a Kendall/OC and much much more :D  
**

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 33: BIG TIME CONFESSIONS_

* * *

_Sage's eyes snapped open, feeling like she hadn't really slept at all. She tried hard to take a nap for Kendall, who was constantly worried about her lack of rest, but the nightmares always scared her. The possibility of having one was enough to put her body on alert, making it nearly impossible to slumber longer than an hour at a time. Her body was weary and weak due to exhaustion, but she learned how to deal with it. She never got much sleep in Ramsey either, so she was disgustingly used to the toll it took on her system. _

_She sat up on the floor groggily and pushed the blankets of their makeshift bed to her feet; feeling warm and uncomfortable in her jeans. Her body felt wrong, like the anxiety of being touched was creeping closer and closer to her, but there were no triggers in sight; no strangers, no knives, no hands reaching for her. Sage sighed, shaking her head slightly to clear it before looking at the clock. It was exactly noon. _

"_How'd you sleep?" Kendall's voice was smooth and tranquil, working its magic on all of her nerves as soon as he stepped out of the bathroom. His pants hung low on his waist, his feet and torso bare as he used a towel to dry his hair after taking a shower. Small rivulets of water slid along the curves of his collarbone and down his delicately sculpted chest; only getting more defined since the last time she saw him from both hockey and intense dance routines at work. _

"_The same as always," Sage shrugged with a sad smile, rising up to stand and get closer to her boyfriend. _

_Normally, his half naked form and close proximity would have her glancing away nervously with guilty thoughts of being unable to touch him, but that feeling was gone. She found it odd. Before she fell asleep, he hadn't even been able to hold her against him, but now her palms were pressing firmly onto the planes of his stomach until they rested on his lower back in an intimate embrace. _

"_I still feel good, though," she assured him, shutting her eyes and letting the uncharacteristic warmth have her; no longer letting the confusion run her mind. _

"_Good," Kendall grinned, sounding relieved as he huffed out a deep breath and returned the hug. _

_The towel was draped around his neck, filling Sage's senses with a cool and fresh scent as she pressed her face in the space below his chin; nuzzling the moist skin softly with an elated smile. Where this bravery and calmness came from, she'd never know, and she didn't want to question it and run the risk of it disappearing as soon as it had arrived. _

"_I love you," he mumbled into her hair, making it seem as if it was their first union since he left North Dakota. He squeezed her tighter, making her tank top feel a little damp where his bare torso pushed fully into hers. _

"_Love you too," Sage countered quietly, reluctantly pulling away to stare up at him with more happiness than he had seen on her since she came back to him. It was fading fast. _

_She couldn't figure out where the fear had gone, feeling almost as if it had dispersed into the air while she slept. She was sure that it would come back, but it still wasn't there. The fact that her anxiety wasn't present made her anxious in a whole other way, and the accompanying fact that she couldn't just enjoy it caused her to feel even more crazy than usual. _

"_I think- "_

_Sage was cut off from expressing her concerns to Kendall when there was a loud thump at the door. The second it hit her eardrums was the second the old and familiar terror came back. She felt her boyfriend's grip stay firm and confident on her as she pulled away to look at the closed door to their bedroom. The dresser was still pushed against it, a ritual Kendall had initiated every night for her comfort, and the loud bang from the other side had jostled it slightly. Before Sage could open her mouth, the noise happened again in a sickening and loud series of three. Each one rumbled the dresser violently along with every vertebra in her spine._

"_What the fuck is that?" she asked with wide eyes, darting them to Kendall before gluing them back onto the door, which wasn't shaking anymore. Actually, it was oddly quiet. _

"_What's what?" Kendall was staring at her like she had grown an extra head, his chin tilting down towards his chest and his eyes narrowing with an awkward smile and raised brows. _

"_Someone's at the door…" Sage whispered, the words barely registering in her own mind as she struggled to look back up at Kendall. _

"_Relax, babe… You're hearing things. It's okay…" he comforted her sweetly, keeping the gentle smile on his face that paralleled the way his hands were caressing her sides as he placed a consoling kiss on her temple. Her eyes slipped shut, and, for just a moment, everything was okay again. "You need more sleep," he added, pecking her lips before squeezing her a bit more in his arms. "Rest a little longer while I go check on the guys. Gotta make sure Carlos didn't break anything in my absence, right?" he attempted to make her laugh with a small dance of his shoulders, smiling proudly when she sighed and let out a light chuckle. _

_Sage nodded, blinking a few times to clear her vision when she was sure that everything she saw and heard must have been a sham created by her stressed imagination. She hugged Kendall one last time before letting him detangle his arms from hers and back away. He didn't bother putting on a shirt, opting to push the dresser out of the way instead when he got to it. His hands curved around the top of the wooden furniture, steadying himself before bending slightly and pushing it along the wall towards the bathroom. _

_That's when the noises started again. _

_Kendall didn't even flinch as the loud rumbles came from the other side of the door, rattling it on its hinges, and he just kept moving the dresser forward with no real expression. Sage's own was one of pure horror, her eyes already stinging and her throat closing out of unease. _

"_K-Kendall?" _

_He gave her no answer. The only response she got was several more earsplitting blows from behind the door. It was like Kendall didn't even hear her, and, with all of the noise, she almost couldn't hear herself. He finished with the dresser and breathed in satisfaction with a smile while Sage continued standing completely frozen, finding her own process of inhaling and exhaling labored. Kendall simply moved for the door, placing a confident hand on the knob. _

"_Wait!" Sage's cry fell on deaf ears again. She watched her soul mate swing the door open nonchalantly to reveal her ex-lover, and part-time rapist, on the other side. _

_Elliot stood across the hallway, leaning casually against with his arms crossed and a smirk on his face. He wore the same jeans and t-shirt he had on the day she left him, but his face was different. It was strong; unbroken and unaffected by the heart-stopping fear and sadness displayed on her features. He didn't move as she took in his presence, resting on the wall behind him like a cold statue and only blinking occasionally; letting her know that he was really there in the flesh. _

_She couldn't move._

_She couldn't think._

_She couldn't speak._

_Kendall walked right through the open doorway, strolling past Elliot without a care in the world and disappearing from her line of vision. He was gone, unable to save her because she couldn't reach him in any way. They were in separate realms._

_Elliot walked forward assertively, not bothering to shut the door behind him, and sauntered until he stopped right in front of her. Still unable to move, Sage just watched as his hands rose up to cup her cheeks in a firm hold. The contact burned, making her body struggle internally; feeling like she might puke if she was able to do anything. _

"_Y-You're supposed be g-gone… I left you…" she whispered weakly, finding her voice with almost no strength in her rigid body. Elliot just smiled down at her, his smirk gone and replaced with a warm and humorous demeanor. _

"_I'm always here, Sage," he shook his head as if she should have known better. "I'm right there…" his murmured quietly, his voice soft on the outside but so loud in her skull as he pressed the tip of his finger onto the skin above her heart, "… and right there…" he concluded, lifting the finger up to graze the center of her forehead. _

_Sage tried to run, calling upon every ounce of strength she could muster only to feel defeated when she only moved her arms. She pulled her upper body from Elliot, hearing a familiar metallic sound when she struggled to get away from him. She looked down, gasping when she saw a pair of handcuffs locking them together. She wouldn't ever be sure, but she could have sworn they were the same pair she used against him in her escape. _

_They were linked, and she couldn't break the connection no matter how hard she tugged. _

_Something else alarmed her too. The bandage around her left arm was gone, the cut Logan had stitched for her nowhere in sight. The skin was perfectly smooth and unmarred, like her flirtation with suicide never existed._

"_Wanna have a reunion of our own, Sweetie?" Elliot's smirk was back, erasing her confusion and replacing it with the fear once again. _

_Suddenly, they were on the bed. She couldn't remember moving to it, but she was there. If the sickening way the mattress pushed into her bare shoulders didn't tell her that, then the way her body tried to jolt and reject the sensation definitely did. Elliot was hovering above her, just the way he used to when their "relationship" started. His frame was heavy against her own, almost weighing her down more than the panic. _

_The room was flickering before her eyes, which were trying to land anywhere but on Elliot's face as his breath ghosted too closely to her lips. The bathroom door was unexpectedly beside her head, not in front of her. The windows were to her left and covered in dark bars instead of not existing at all, and the door to the hallway was on the right rather than the wall at her feet. She was seeing her room in Ramsey, and then it kept changing back to the one she was blessed enough to share with Kendall in Los Angeles. It shifted back and forth so fast that her head spun as she tried to focus, only to remember where her body was instead of what the walls surrounding her looked like. _

_She had never been on Kendall's bed before, even though it should have been theirs to share, but it felt so real beneath her. The fabric made her skin crawl; all of the undertones the piece of bedroom furniture held only adding to her all-consuming nausea now that Elliot was actually on top of her while she was forced onto it. _

"_I'm mad at you, Sage," he declared abruptly, bringing her attention fully onto him as his face pulled slightly away from her own; giving her a bit of breathing room. She wished she could have been grateful for it, but the air didn't feel like it changed at all. _

_She was still suffocating. _

"_You hurt yourself… You hurt me…" he stared at her with interest, scanning her body with enough conviction to make her own eyes turn down out of curiosity. _

_What she saw only made everything worse._

_Elliot held the old pocket knife, blade out and glimmering enough to blind her, in the hand not attached to her own by the cuffs. She hadn't felt the cut, but her wrist was bleeding; the incision in the exact location she had sliced herself several nights before. Her blood decorated the tip of the knife, which Elliot twirled skillfully between his fingers. _

"_What are you- Kendall!" she started to question her tormentor, but their surroundings shifted again and stayed on her and Kendall's room; showing the blonde boy strolling into it from the hallway. _

_He didn't acknowledge her presence. They were in two completely different dimensions, and she couldn't break through to where he was no matter how loud she screamed. Elliot was the only person who seemed to notice her. _

"_Don't cry, Sage. It's okay… Kendall's fine… It's just me and you here," he assured her kindly, his voice dropping to a low and calm tone. It was his normal one, the one he used when they just talked and he was no longer only a monster. _

_Sage shook her head violently, still calling out to her boyfriend and getting no response as her throat stung from the effort. Elliot lowered his body even further against hers, almost all of her frame buried beneath his with nowhere to go and nothing to do but wait. _

"_I h-hate you," she hissed lamely, not feeling powerful at all as Elliot kissed her cheek and continued to press the cold blade against her chest. He appeared unfazed by her announcement. _

"_You can keep pushing me, but I'll never go away," he insisted with a gentle smile, like he knew he was breaking bad news and that he actually cared that it hurt her. _

_She tried to shut her eyes, but she had no control. They stayed right on Elliot. _

"_Every time your heart feels like it's gonna beat out of your chest, that's me."_

_The knife was gone and his fingers brushed across her collar bone. She was sure he could feel her pulse speeding up. _

"_Every time a tear slips down your cheek, that's me."_

_He kissed right below her left eye and then trailed his fingertips against the wet skin. _

"_Every time you feel that terror creep up your spine, paralyzing every inch of you, that's me."_

_She only whined when he grabbed both of her hands and forced them above her head, keeping them in place with only one of his own. _

"_Always with you… always together… You can't take it back…"_

_Sage braced herself for what she knew was coming, finally clenching her eyes shut so all she could see was darkness. They snapped back open when she didn't feel Elliot moving, staring down in shock as every inch of her skin stung and burned. She was bleeding from a gash on her chest, the one on her arm, another on her abdomen, and she could feel the warmth of blood soaking into the thigh of her jeans. _

_Every scar Elliot gave her, no matter how small, was reopened. They had closed long ago, but now they were fresh. They never really healed. They were never really gone. _

"_No… No… No…" she kept chanting it, the air catching her lungs so much that it felt like there were hands around her neck. _

"**Sage, please, wake up… Please!"**

_It was Kendall's voice, and it sounded like he was crying, but Sage could see him walking behind Elliot. He had moved over to the closet beside the bathroom, looking for a clean shirt. His lips weren't moving. He slipped on a blue t-shirt and started to make his way out of the room once again. _

"_Kendall, h-help me…" she whimpered, tearing her attention away from the door to stare at the ceiling blankly as she felt Elliot's hand working at the button on her jeans. His fingers seared her skin as they slipped beneath the hem of her tank top, taking what he thought was his without hesitation. _

"_Just give in, Sage… It's easier that way… Pretend like you used to… You're good at it… We'll be happy… No more worrying… No more fear… I'll protect you…"_

_Elliot's voice was filling her head with too many phrases, her skull throbbing as her heart pounded. She was struggling beneath him, but she wasn't really sure that she was moving at all. Everything felt wrong and surreal. The air was stale and heavy on her. His hands felt like they were everywhere at once instead of just near her abdomen and around her wrists. _

_Everything was pulsing; the lights, the sounds, the touches. It all fluctuated in and out of focus. _

"_I don't want you… G-Get off of me, Elliot… Please…" she tried to sound strong and powerful like she used to be near the end of her time in Ramsey, but she wasn't even fooling herself anymore. _

_Sage was weak. She was human. She was affected by everything. Her past stuck to her like a tick, slowly drawing the life out of her. _

_Elliot began tugging her jeans off of her hips, the fabric grating against her like sandpaper as she shut her eyes again. If she was going to relive it, she refused to watch. _

"**Open your eyes, Sage."**

_Kendall was back, but she didn't do what he asked. She refused to be teased. She was already suffering, and she couldn't see the boy she loved while Elliot slithered his palm up her abs towards her chest. _

"**Wake up!"**

Her eyes snapped open when she felt a warm and familiar sensation on her bleeding arm, which wasn't really bleeding at all. The bandage was on, just as it should be, and it was Kendall's gentle touch near her hand, not Elliot's. Air filled her lungs as she panted, struggling to breathe as everything came back into focus; the four walls around her becoming crisp and clear enough to show her that what she had been seeing earlier wasn't real.

She was on the floor, not the bed. The door was shut with the dresser securely in front of it, not open and unattended. Kendall was wearing a red flannel shirt, his hair dry instead of damp, and his eyes were watching her in fear, not staring right through her.

"Breathe, you're alright," he whispered, kneeling next to her and cautiously sweeping the hair away from her face and letting his fingers linger along her jaw. His other hand was caressing soft circles into her arm just below where the bandage was.

As soon as she realized that it had been a nightmare, Sage sat up quickly and slid both hands into Kendall's. She gripped them tightly, her nails digging into his skin. He wasn't complaining. They both needed the proof that they were really there, even if it was painful.

"Kendall," she uttered his name, letting a relieved sigh escape her lips as she blinked slowly and tried to decelerate her heartbeat.

"Yeah," he whispered, letting out a sigh of his own and tugging her hands slightly; feeling like he couldn't get enough of the touch.

"Thanks for waking me up," she smiled sheepishly, swallowing to try to get rid of the dryness in her throat.

"Thanks for the heart attack," he grinned, breathing hard right along with her as his thumbs smoothed across the backs of her hands. "They're getting worse… the nightmares…" he added sadly, his expression falling as they calmed down.

It had been several days now, and, after the first night of short sleep, the dreams started for Sage. They were intense and vivid, always managing to find their way into her head no matter what she thought about before falling asleep. Kendall holding her arm or hand helped a little, but it wasn't a cure. Elliot was in her permanently, and even Kendall could see it now. The details were vague to him, but he could read her easily; taking in every one of her words when she described the nightmares.

"What did you do to make yours stop?" she wondered forlornly, biting her lip as she shifted so she sat directly in front of him.

Kendall had told her about the nightmares that plagued him routinely when they were first separated, his own horrors visiting him nightly while he was depressed in Sherwood. He explained them to her while they lay beside each other at night, finding common ground in their individual torments that always linked back to one another.

"When you start getting more comfortable, they'll start to go away," he reassured her, thinking back to how he relaxed at night when life got a little better for him. It was James, Logan, and Carlos that helped him through it.

"When do you think that'll be?" Sage tilted her head, relaxing her shoulders in defeat like she knew the answer wouldn't solve everything.

"I wish I knew," he sighed again, leaning in to kiss her lips chastely so he wouldn't make her anxious. "Come on, I wish you could rest a little more, but Mom and Katie should be here really soon," he changed the topic, sensing her misery, and reminded her of something she could actually look forward to.

One her first full day in California, Sage and Kendall called Katie and Karen with the news of her return. The conversation was full of tears and smiles, relief felt on both ends when they heard her voice and she heard theirs. It was mostly a happy conversation, the first one with Katie, but then the second one was surrounded by the pain that seemed to follow Sage around. She and Kendall told Karen the truth, giving her the basics of what really happened in the year she was gone. They gave her the quick version, allowing her to know just enough to understand that things were bad, but they kept the real story from Katie.

Kendall and Sage insisted that the innocent girl remain in the dark about the reality of Sage's past. She had already known too much about Elliot's violence when they were all in Ramsey, and they both refused to let her in on any more of the excruciating truth.

Right now, as far as Katie knew, Sage was in a pleasant foster home but ran off early when she got the chance. It was a story that the crafty girl may not buy, but they weren't going to change it.

Sage climbed off of the floor with Kendall's assistance, gathering the extra blankets and tossing them into the closet. They were going to give Karen and Katie the bedroom during their stay, which would be a couple days. They had to work around job and school schedules, so it took a while for them to book a flight, but they both wanted to come out to L.A. as soon as possible. Sage glanced at Kendall with fright when she heard him moving the dresser away from the door. She didn't let her fear show too much, not alerting him when she was sure that Elliot would be behind the door after the nightmare.

"You ready?" Kendall asked, opening the door to reveal that everything was normal. Sage took a palliative breath and forced a smile as she struggled to stay in the present and not her dream.

"Y-Yeah, just, uh, let me brush my teeth… and my hair," she spoke with a grimace, making Kendall chuckle as she patted the top of her disheveled locks. He hadn't even noticed her appearance, just happy that she was awake despite being the one that had insisted she nap in the first place. She was always exhausted, and he wanted her to gear up for Katie and Karen's stay. He knew she would refuse to sleep for all of those days, not wanting to alert Katie with her often loud nightly terrors.

Kendall nodded, waiting for her to disappear into the bathroom before leaving the room and walking down the hall. His gaze was cast downward, his hands buried in his pockets.

"Is she okay?" James' voice broke him out of his trance.

He and Carlos were sitting on the couch in front of the television. There were game controllers in their hands, but they were held limply and nearly forgotten along with the video game on the screen as they stared at Kendall with concern. They knew about Sage's nightmares. They could hear them.

"She's alright. She's getting a little better at coming out of them," Kendall offered optimistically, not actually sounding as glad as he was trying to. He stood beside the couch, keeping his hands in his pockets and resisting the urge to go check on his girlfriend. It had hardly been a minute, and he was already worried. He hated when she was out of his sight, and he didn't know how to deal with it.

"How are you?" Carlos asked, startling Kendall. He could only blink and dart his eyes around the brightly lit room. It was nearly the afternoon, and the sun was blazing beyond the window on the their view of the pool below.

He really didn't know how he was. "Bad" seemed like the right word to use. He was stressed. He was tired. He was occasionally depressed, but, on the brighter side, he wasn't alone. He chose to focus on that when his mind forced him to rest his head beside Sage's and give up trying to make everything work to just watch her until a miracle brewed overnight; waiting for something to occur without trying so hard that he might break. It wasn't going to happen, but it didn't stop him from holding onto the fruitless idea just to keep him afloat.

Kendall had only been sleeping as much as his girlfriend managed, if not less, and he hadn't left the apartment once in the several days she had been there. After their weekend off, the boys went to the studio like normal; reluctantly filing out the door as they left their friends alone. Kendall called Gustavo and Kelly to say he caught a virus and was really sick, a lie that he had told easily while holding Sage with one hand and pressing the phone to his ear with the other. Sage didn't know Gustavo at all, but even she flinched when his loud voice bellowed at her boyfriend through the receiver, and they could both tell he wasn't happy with one of his band's members out of commission. It would put him at a major disadvantage.

The days for the others were short at the studio. They could only record parts of tracks and run through a few pieces of choreography a day without their fourth voice and body. The small time spent at work actually made the guys more comfortable. Logan, Carlos, and James were all constantly antsy to get back home to Sage and Kendall. They spent most of their time in the apartment, only rarely making appearances around the rest of the Palm Woods at the gym or pool when they weren't in class. The Palm Woods school was on the property, and the schedule wasn't very strict due to all the various students working around their careers, but Kendall had been missing class altogether. He refused to even walk out of the apartment door.

He had been keeping up with his studies, trying to stay on somewhat of a track to graduate high school even if it was a lot later than they had all normally planned when they were in Minnesota, and the boys brought his assignments home to him. Miss Collins, their instructor, was under the impression that he was ill, and she was willing to work with him through his friends for a while. Being absent from school could be dealt with, but Kendall couldn't do it forever.

Everything was starting to pile up. His homework was disregarded, only doing it when Sage reminded him, and Gustavo constantly called him to see if he was better. They were expecting the wild and stressed man to bust the door down one of these days, and they were hoping to avoid him knowing the real reason Kendall was home. They didn't want to have to explain Sage's story to him, not when she wasn't even comfortable enough to sleep.

"I'm fine. You guys need to stop worrying about me," Kendall attempted a teasing smile as he shrugged off the concern James and Carlos were showing.

He couldn't let them see that he was terribly close to cracking under everything, the weight he was putting on himself to protect Sage being the heaviest.

"Good morning… or afternoon," Sage appeared from the bedroom looking less tired than he expected, grinning at James and Carlos while waving at the suddenly cheerful boys. Their mood changed abruptly when she came into the room. It switched from being troubled over Kendall to being characteristically peppy for the girl who needed normalcy.

"Happy Birthday!" they chimed giddily, tossing the game controllers aside and earning a groan from Kendall as they rushed past him and into the kitchen, taking caution to not move too fast when they passed the easily startled Sage.

"I thought we weren't going to bring it up," she sighed, her smile only fading slightly. She couldn't make it disappear around Carlos and James. They were too innocent. They weren't a threat. Luckily, it had only taken her a few days to realize that. They couldn't touch her or stand too close without being careful, but they were all developing a good and trust-building relationship with her.

"No, you said you didn't want to celebrate it, not that we couldn't talk about it," Carlos beamed, doing a small dance when he realized that he outsmarted someone almost as intelligent as Logan.

"Touché," Sage gave him credit, smirking at Kendall when he moved to stand beside her so that they both stood at one side of the counter with the boys on the other.

"We aren't supposed to make a fuss, but we still got you something," Carlos continued, picking a white box up off of the countertop where they had left it earlier.

"Oh, god…" Sage blushed lightly, looking down and not particularly enjoying the extra attention. She hated when people went out of their way for her.

"Don't freak out! It's nothing huge… Logan wouldn't let us do anything drastic," James pouted, rolling his eyes when thinking about his cautious friend, who was already down in the lobby waiting for Mrs. Knight and Katie.

Both he and Sage were never enthusiastic about celebrating birthdays. After Julia died, Sage didn't celebrate a single one, and that didn't change when she met Kendall because he always just missed her birthday; arriving in town after her sixteenth and leaving right before her seventeenth. Logan, on the other hand, often chose not to do too much to mark the occasion, and he was especially adverse to it after their failed attempt at a party last November that had ended with them all in the police station. If Sage didn't want to do anything for her birthday, then Logan could understand that, and he fought for her to have it her way.

"I got you a cupcake! Kendall said you liked vanilla," Carlos exclaimed, popping open the box and pulling out a single yellow and green cupcake with a small candle on top.

"… and I found the candle!" James interjected with a winning smile, reaching into a drawer and digging out a pack of matches.

"Okay, I can deal with that," Sage grinned, leaning onto the counter as James struck a match and lit the candle, tossing the stick in the wet sink once the flame ignited on the wick.

"Make a wish," Kendall murmured beside her, linking their hands together between them.

Sage shut her eyes, bent forward, and blew the candle out.

"_I wish I could erase my past with Elliot."_

The wish remained unspoken and unfulfilled. She knew it wouldn't come true, and that's why she said it anyway. You don't wish for something unless it's impossible.

"Thank you… Here, Carlos," Sage kept smiling, tearing the wrapper from the cupcake and tossing the candle aside before ripping the pastry in half and offering a piece to the constantly hungry boy. She knew he'd do just about anything for sugar. She didn't even bother holding out the other half for James, having spent enough time with him to know that he shied away from sweets as long as extreme temptation wasn't there.

"Love you!" Carlos cheered, shifting from one foot to the other as his started to lick at the icing from the top of the cake in his grasp.

Sage giggled, knowing that he truly meant his declaration. The boys had accepted her with warm hearts and open arms, something she always felt bad about. She couldn't run into those arms. Her anxiety wouldn't let her do it, even when faced with a loveable and beautiful soul like Carlos. She prayed for the day that she could hug him and be normal, but she settled on just making him smile for now.

* * *

"So, then my agent told me about this awesome role I get to audition for. It's a new drama, and I'm trying out for the troublemaking daughter of a respected district attorney in New York City named Samuel Colt," Camille declared dramatically, like she was pitching the show herself.

It made Logan laugh; loving her genuine enthusiasm for each and every role she had the chance at getting. She dove right into them all without hesitation, putting her entire heart and body in all of them. So far, she hadn't landed any important jobs; just a few here and there to keep her afloat in the year and a half she had been at the Palm Woods. Logan had no clue why she didn't get more attention. Sure, she had alarmed him with her zany attitude at first, but, once you got to really know her, Camille Wyatt was a sweet and funny girl; falling into a bright demeanor without even trying.

"I'm not sure about the troublemaking part, but maybe I could help you out with the whole child-of-a-lawyer thing," he grinned, leaning forward right as she did. He watched the long and shiny waves of her brown hair fall over her shoulders and contrast with her pale skin beautifully. Camille was very engaging. After some time, she had given him a confidence he normally didn't possess around the opposite sex.

The fact that she intimidated him and still somehow managed to make him feel comfortable both scared and flattered him. In Big Time Rush's first several weeks at the Palm Woods, she pursued him relentlessly, flirting and taking every chance she got to try her romantic "roles" out on him with a sudden kiss or dramatic pounce before she started to cool off and take a normal approach. They slowly began building a genuine friendship that was based on fun with a mix of flirtation, which Logan had never realized he was good at.

After seeing him in action with Camille, grinning and making witty comments with a slightly awkward edge that was purely Logan, James had proclaimed that the boy was a natural. Logan wasn't quite sure yet if someone like James calling him proficient at flirting was a good thing or not. He wanted a possible relationship, not a one night stand.

"Oh, your dad's a lawyer?" Camille asked with interest, bringing him out of his thoughts. He had been looking at the rest of the lobby around them without realizing it, searching for Katie and Karen after glancing at the clock.

"No, my mom is," Logan brought his full focus back to the girl across the table, giving her a gentle smile. "My dad runs a restaurant with his wife in North Carolina," he said it clearly, hoping that there was no more room for her to ask questions about his father.

Now, after having patched some things up before his departure, he was comfortable with speaking about Laura, but Patrick was another story. He was starting to feel love towards his father again, and their relationship was flourishing from simple conversations over the phone every week, but that wasn't an easy talk to have with Camille. It's one he wasn't too keen on having yet because of how good things were between them.

The idea that he wanted to actually share his story with her one day, even if it wasn't soon, startled him. He wanted a future with Camille.

"That's cool," she declared simply, still keeping a happy expression on her face. She seemed to sense his attitude towards the conversation and steered them out of it with ease, something he was eternally grateful for. "I missed seeing you around, Logan," she added, her demeanor faltering slightly into a sad one.

They hadn't spent time together outside of the occasional discussion in the classroom lately. The boys always stayed in the apartment with Sage, who no one but them knew about. They were keeping her their secret until things settled down.

"I missed you too, Cam," he insisted quickly, getting flustered when he saw her unhappiness. The look didn't suit her. He was glad that she had found him while he was waiting for the Knights so that they had at least a tiny amount of time together. "We've just been really busy at the studio…" he offered lamely, his large brain failing him when he needed it the most to try to come up with a better excuse.

"I understand, but I don't think I've seen any of you around much. James is usually _**always**_ picking up girls by the pool, Carlos has barely tried to hit on the Jennifer's in days, and I'm pretty sure I haven't seen Kendall at all… Is he still sick?" she wondered with concern, something that poked at the guilt already in Logan's gut for lying in the first place.

They couldn't keep pretending everything was normal when it wasn't. Something had to change.

"A little, but he's getting a bit better. Maybe he'll be back in school next week," Logan forced a smile, nearly choking on the lie along with the false promise. He could only hope that things might get better by then.

"Good, just make sure you don't catch what he has. It sounds terrible," Camille frowned, her concern for her new friends shining through enough to make Logan relax at the warmness of her personality.

"We'll all be fine. Don't worry- " he paused when he saw Karen and Katie enter the lobby with suitcases rolling behind them. His anxiety was back, mixing with his thankfulness at seeing them to create a conflicting sensation in his heart. "I gotta go. Kendall's family is here, but tell me how the audition went tomorrow in class. Break a leg!" he jumped up from the table, patting her on the back before hurrying across the lobby.

"Logan!" Katie called out when she spotted him, uncharacteristically dropping her tough girl routine to hug the boy she considered her brother after not seeing him or the others in person for over three months.

"Hey, Kates," he squeezed her tightly, lifting her small body off the ground in an affectionate embrace as he smiled at Karen over her shoulder. "Did you swindle any wanna-be stars on the plane ride over here?" he joked, setting her back down and watching her roll her eyes before darting them around the lobby to take everything in. The place was very different from Minnesota.

"Hi, Mama Knight," Logan took a hug from her too, settling into her motherly warmth and realizing that he had missed it more than he thought. He and the guys were on their own lately, and that meant a lot more pressure with a lot less guidance. She tugged him closely to her, seeming to sense everything; thinking about the phone conversations she had with Kendall and Sage earlier in the week and what all of them must have been going through.

"Where's Sage?" Katie asked excitedly, still looking around the area as if the girl would appear. She was sure that she and Kendall would be there to greet them.

"Uh, she's upstairs in the apartment with the rest of the guys. Come on!" Logan plastered on an overly cheerful expression and turned before he could read the preteen's confusion. He already felt guilty enough after lying to Camille.

Karen and Katie followed him onto the elevator, riding it up to the second floor before strolling quickly down the hall. They stopped in front of the door, and Logan tried the handle only to remember that it was locked when nothing happened. He was getting used the fact that it was always locked now. It made them all feel safer after Sage was sure she didn't want to call the police and report Elliot.

"Having a little trouble with the door, Logan? I thought you were the genius," Katie smirked, teasing him as he smiled awkwardly and reached into his pocket for the key.

He didn't respond, not wanting to explain the reason behind the locked door. Katie just brought her attention elsewhere, but Karen was staring right at him with sympathy. She could always read the boys like a book. It's what made her a fantastic mother; naturally involved and caring without being overbearing. She knew when to back off.

"We're home!" Logan called out once he shoved the door open, immediately spotting everyone else in the kitchen.

Before anyone said anything else, Katie rushed past him and left her bag behind. She launched right into Sage's open arms, something the blonde girl had been preparing herself for. She knew how contact with other people made her feel, but she had hoped it would be different with Katie. Luckily, it was like the first time she saw Kendall again; no reservations and only pure joy. Both of them were crying, Kendall watching with tears of his own as they hugged. It reminded him of when things used to be somewhat normal in Ramsey. That seemed so long ago.

"How are you, Kit Kat?" Sage mumbled into her hair, calling her by the nickname only she could use as she pulled away from the girl she thought of as her only sister.

"Don't ask stupid questions. I'm fine… How are you?" Katie smiled, wiping her tears away and staring right into Sage's green eyes with her big brown ones.

"I'm- Things are good," Sage responded, faltering slightly when she almost lied. If she had said she was good, then it would have been false, and they all knew it, but things in general were alright. They were ten times better than they had been for her.

"Hey, baby sister!" Kendall scooped her up sideways, making her laugh and flail before she could question Sage further. He kissed the top of her head, watching with apprehension as she embraced him quickly only to put her focus right back on Sage while everyone else in the room waited for something to happen. It was tense, knowing that they were all lying to Katie when she was probably the only one who could normally outsmart all of them singlehandedly.

"How's school? Makin' friends and enemies?" Sage smirked easily, falling back into their old banter so Katie couldn't read the way her shoulders tensed before she forced them not to.

"She behaves herself… mostly…" Karen grinned, coming to everyone's rescue and breaking the tension as she hurried forward to hug Sage. They held on tightly, both speaking volumes with no real sound.

"So, now that the mush-fest is over, are you guys gonna show me L.A.? I bet you love it, Sage. It's probably way better than foster care, and it beats Elliot by a mile," Katie attempted humor, thinking that Sage hadn't even seen her brutal stepfather for over a year. She had no way of knowing that he was all she saw in that time.

Sage flinched at the sound of Elliot's name, Kendall audibly gasping in an almost painful way before she could even make a noise. Carlos stepped in with a smile, loudly hopping beside Katie to distract her from the way her brother's face twisted in agony or the way Sage's fell to an almost unreadable expression.

"It's awesome, Katie! There's tons of fun stuff to do, but Sage can't go right now because…" Carlos' eyes widened, realizing that he hadn't thought of an excuse as to why she couldn't leave.

"… because she promised that she'd help me pick out an outfit for my date tonight!" James chimed in loudly, "… and it might take a while… or it could be really quick… You know how picky I am," he grinned, speaking too fast and high to be considered normal.

"You're all still freaky, aren't you?" Katie sighed, crossing her arms and shaking her head.

"Yup," Logan, James, and Carlos all answered at once with small smiles.

"Just go out and enjoy yourself while I catch up with your mom. We'll have dinner together later," Sage recovered, ignoring the way her stomach burned because of the shame she experienced from deceiving the innocent girl.

"Fine," Katie tilted her chin up, not fully satisfied with what was happening. Everything was off, and it was so easy to see that she felt like her family was insulting her. "You're okay, right?" the question was directed at Sage, who appeared startled by it; thinking that they had already covered how she was doing. She should have known that Katie would push.

"Of course I am…" she smiled, nodding once.

"She's perfect," Kendall added defensively, moving close to his girlfriend. His arm rose slightly, almost as if he was going to put it around her shoulders, but then he thought twice and dropped it back down. His hands found their way into his pockets, which only made Katie more suspicious. Sage and Kendall were always all over each other, and now she hadn't seen them touch once.

"What happened to your arm?" Katie pressed on, staring at all of the teenagers like she was challenging them while Karen bit her lip nervously behind her daughter.

Sage glanced down at the bandage, thinking of what to say. The stitches were almost ready to come out, and she was grateful that she hadn't gotten an infection. Logan did a very good job patching her up, but she couldn't exactly explain that to Katie.

"It was my fault," Carlos jumped in again, fully equipped with an excuse this time. "I left my hockey skates in the hallway and made Sage trip," he put on an ashamed demeanor, which wasn't very hard considering how much guilt he was feeling.

"It was an accident. Hardly a scratch," Sage added quickly, smiling gratefully at Carlos, who acknowledged her with a small nod of his head.

"Let's go, kid. We'll stop giving Sage the third degree and do something fun! Kendall and the guys will be right behind us!" Carlos got into the game of pretending things were okay and guided Katie to the door with a firm hand on her shoulder, doing an internal cheer when he received no resistance.

With a few goodbyes, the pair left everyone else behind with Carlos keeping his speed up so Katie would be forced to stay with him. They reached the elevator, Carlos jabbing the button for the doors to open while refusing to meet Katie's glare.

"All of you are lying to me, and I wanna know why!" she hissed, making him shiver with the amount of intimidation she was using. He tripped onto the elevator, his legs feeling wobbly while he tried to think of what to say. He should've brought Logan with them right away instead of hurrying off.

"Uh… We're not l-lying. Why would you say something crazy like that?" he chuckled uncomfortably, pushing the button to get them to the lobby.

"Oh, please! You guys were acting nuts in there. I could cut the awkward with a knife," Katie scoffed, still glaring as she followed Carlos into the lobby and out to the pool. They sat at one of the tables, and Carlos took his lucky helmet off of his head, placing it down in front of him and tapping it nervously.

"Maybe… just _**maybe**_... there is other stuff going on, but it's not anything you need to worry about," he insisted, waving a hand in the air, but it was a gesture that she didn't find convincing at all.

"Well, guess what? You telling me not to worry is worrying me even more!" she whispered harshly, trying not to cause a scene at the crowded pool, which had lost its charm for Katie the second she knew everyone was being secretive. "I don't appreciate you guys treating me like a kid," she mumbled stubbornly, leaning back in her seat without taking her eyes off of Carlos.

"I know," he sighed heavily, offering her an apologetic smile, "but it's not my call… Just, please, trust me when I say that everything is okay. Things are just a little rough for Sage right now. It'll take time for her to really settle in… and would you stop acting like being a kid is so terrible?" he grinned after his slight admission, unwilling to keep up the full charade after Katie had seen right through it, and changed his tone to a lighter one.

"Well, it's not that great," Katie rolled her eyes. "Everyone keeps trying to shelter me and talk to me like I'm stupid."

"You're far from stupid, Katie, but we're just looking out for you. Besides, you should enjoy childhood while you still have it. Getting older is scary and dramatic," Carlos gave her a lopsided smirk, thinking back to everything that the last year had offered him and his friends. "That's why I still find plenty of time to do crazy things. It keeps me young," he puffed out his chest, seeming proud of himself for his tactics.

"You're eighteen," Katie stated like she thought his concern with his age was ridiculous, but he didn't see it that way.

"Don't remind me! I'm freakin' ancient! I can vote now. People are gonna start thinking I'm supposed to be responsible or some shit," Carlos exclaimed, looking frightened by the thought of the world pressuring him to change his simple ways. "Don't tell your mom I cursed in front of you," he added pleadingly, remembering what he just said with pitiful yet humorous fear in his eyes. He was happy to see Katie falling into it, releasing the tension she had in favor of having fun with him. She couldn't even nod before they were interrupted.

"You cursed in front of her?" Logan appeared beside the table, his arms crossed and staring at Carlos in disapproval.

"It was only a little one!" Carlos whined, not realizing that Katie was about to cover for him. The brunette girl laughed and sat back to watch him squirm.

"You should know better. She's been here for ten minutes, and you're already corrupting her," Logan scolded his friend, shaking his head with continuing displeasure.

"Leave him alone, Logie. He didn't mean any harm. Plus, I've heard Katie say worse things when the stock market plummets," James chimed in to defend his buddy with a smile and a hand on Logan's shoulder until the boy relented.

"You're all dorks," Katie stood up with a smirk. "Now, how are you going to entertain me so I don't ask any more questions about Sage?"

Logan squeaked in an unmanly way, glaring at Carlos again along with James when they thought he had let something slip.

"She's smart, and occasionally evil, but I didn't really tell her anything, I swear!" he insisted, jumping out of his own seat and swiping his helmet into his hands.

"Well…" James took a moment to collect himself, having feared Kendall's undoubtedly wrathful response if they told Katie the truth. "We're gonna wait for your brother to come down, but, after that, we can do whatever you want."

"Oh, we could pull pranks on our crabby hotel manager, Mr. Bitters!" Carlos yelled, "Or we can take you to the beach, or maybe sightseeing," he rattled off animatedly, thinking of all the possibilities.

"Let's go with one of the last two options. I don't really feel like being kicked out of our apartment for pissing off Bitters," Logan reminded them, sounding tired; like they had been through it many times before.

Katie let them continue the conversation like they normally would, trying to push away her concern and confusion. She didn't even ask why James wasn't upstairs with Sage and choosing outfits for his date, knowing that was a lie too. With the boys' reluctance to spit out the truth, when she could usually pull it out of them so easily, she knew it was probably best not to push too hard. It was frustrating, and she hated being out of the loop when she normally had eyes everywhere, but, for once, Katie let it go.

* * *

"How are you really?" Karen asked with a sigh, settling beside Sage on the couch once Katie, Carlos, James, and Logan had all made their exits.

"I'm tired and just… tired… I'm not really sure what I am," Sage admitted, struggling to answer while reaching out for Kendall's hand as he moved next to her and sat down. He accepted it eagerly, enjoying when she initiated contact, knowing that it meant it was okay to touch her.

"I can't believe that Elliot did that, and that it went on for so long," Karen fought away her tears, taking a moment to study Sage as she brushed the hair off of her shoulder; looking as if she might be able to learn and understand everything with a single glance. "I know we're not staying long, but if you guys need anything, I don't want you to hesitate to call. I don't care what time it is or what it's for," she added, feeling slightly uncomfortable and useless knowing that she'd be leaving them in two days and going halfway across the country.

"We know, Mom, thank you," Kendall smiled, looking just as tired as Sage said she felt while he grasped his girlfriend's hand in both of his; cradling it carefully like it just might break if he wasn't as cautious as possible.

"I already transferred some money into Kendall's account for you both, so you don't have to worry about- "

"Karen, you shouldn't have done that," Sage started, appearing upset by inconveniencing her in any way.

"How much money?" Kendall groaned, already knowing that he and Sage wouldn't win the dispute.

"Enough," Karen responded evasively, making Kendall shake his head and think it was probably more than she should have offered.

"We can't take your money," he insisted, Sage nodding eagerly beside him.

"I don't want any arguments. I saved it for an emergency, and this definitely counts as one... This is just me supporting you. I'm a mom. It's in the job description," Karen set her face in a firm stare, the one she gave them when she wasn't going to give them any wiggle room.

"Thank you… I don't like it, but… thank you," Sage smiled, giving up the battle before turning to Kendall. "You should go be with Katie now. Karen's doing her job being all motherly. It's time for you to get brotherly," she gave him a stern look as her grin faded, knowing that he was going to argue this just like he argued with his mom.

"Are you sure? What if something happens and you need me? I don't think leaving you is a good idea," Kendall seemed almost as anxious as she felt, already shaking his head despite the fact that they had this discussion earlier too.

"Everything's fine, Honey. I'll be here, and Sage is going to be okay for a few hours without you," she smirked lightheartedly, thinking that this was just his normal reluctance. It was much more. She had no idea that Kendall hadn't left the apartment at all since Sage's arrival.

"But- "

"Go, Kendall. I'll see you later," Sage stood up, pulling him with her before hugging him as much as she could manage; both of her hands in his and her face pressed against his collarbone. "I love you," she mumbled into his shirt, squeezing his hands tightly before stepping back.

"I love you too… Promise to call if something's wrong?" he asked, staring right at her to make sure she was telling the truth as he detangled one of his hands from hers to check if his phone was securely in his pocket.

"I promise," Sage nodded once, smiling reassuringly and stepping aside to let him pass.

"I'll be back as soon as I can," he claimed, still fidgeting slightly as he headed for the door and constantly looked back at her like he was sure that she'd be gone each time he glanced over his shoulder.

"No rushing!" Karen called out right before he left, earning a noncommittal slew of inaudible words in response. "Is he always like that?" she wondered with a smirk at Sage, watching as she sat back down on the couch and folded her legs beneath her.

"Only a hundred percent of the time," Sage smirked back, her fingers drifting up to the pendant on her neck to twirl it comfortingly. As soon as Kendall was gone, she put on a brave face, but she couldn't stop the fear in her mind from trying to convince her that he'd never come back. After the last time he left, they didn't see each other for a year. "It's good for him to get out, though," she added, still spinning the charm as she forced a smile onto her face.

"What about you? Have you left the apartment at all?" Karen looked like she already knew the answer.

"Not yet," Sage whispered her response, wishing that she could walk out into the hallway with no problems, but the simple idea of it made her stop and grip her necklace hard enough to imprint the design on her palm.

"I know you're scared, but you should try it. You're free now, Sage. You can do anything you want. Don't limit yourself because of Elliot," Karen reminded her warmly, reaching a hand out to pat her knee.

Sage nodded, but, on the inside, she knew it wasn't so simple. Her fear wasn't a conscious decision, and it ran way deeper than she wanted Karen or Katie to know. Only Kendall and the guys understood what was really happening with her, but even that wasn't fully addressed yet.

"Do you mind if we don't talk about Elliot for now? I'm kind of… bogged down… with the topic. It was all I thought about for a year… What have you been up to in Minnesota? Are you happy with that new job offer you had there?" Sage changed the tone quickly, trying her best to steer clear of herself and thinking that it might make things easier.

It did the trick. After a moment of consideration, almost seeming like she wasn't going to let Sage out of the conversation, Karen brightened her smile and threw an arm over the back of the couch.

"I love it there. Actually, the new job got me a boyfriend," she grinned embarrassedly, blushing a little and surprising Sage.

"You have a boyfriend?" she smiled genuinely, sitting up straighter.

"Yeah, his name is David Morgan. I met him at work, and we bonded really fast," Karen still seemed shy about it, but she was glad to be talking to Sage like this. They were always fast friends, falling into easy conversations about things that they never quite touched with Kendall and Katie in the same way.

"I bet Kendall gave the poor guy hell," Sage giggled, finding the idea of her lover getting wound up over the man dating his mother funny. She wasn't worried about David like Kendall had been. She trusted Karen to make safe decisions, and she could tell by the way the woman's face lit up that her new boyfriend was making her happy.

"Tons," Karen confirmed her suspicions, laughing along with her, "but David stuck around. That's how I knew he was a keeper," she winked, twisting one of her legs beneath her so she was fully in front of Sage.

This instant reconnection with Karen, a comfort despite every other thing that had gone wrong in her life, made Sage think about the loss of Julia. Her own mother was stolen away from her, and she figured now that Karen must have been delivered to her as a gift; something for all of her troubles. She wanted to cherish moments like these, ones full of warmth and calmness, instead of dwelling on the fact that Julia was gone forever. Her mother wouldn't want her to be unhappy or ruin second chances; something that Julia firmly believed in even though it got her into trouble sometimes.

With thoughts about Julia, and the way Karen was so open with her right now, Sage almost wanted to spill the secret about the truth behind her mother's death, it being an unfortunate murder rather than suicide, but she held onto it and kept her lips shut with a soft smile. There was plenty on everyone's plates right now. She had already coped with the loss of her mother, and there would be time for sharing it with the others in the future because she actually had one now, no matter how bleak it tended to look. There were opportunities for her, even if she couldn't really see them yet.

She'd take everything one step at a time because, if she tried to sprint up the steep hill to complete normalcy, she'd surely end up tumbling back to the bottom with weak limbs and more bumps and bruises than she already had.

"So, tell me more about David."

* * *

Later, after a long day outside and avoiding the people who were supposed to believe he was sick, Kendall finally got Katie and Karen to turn in for the night. Karen was reluctant to take Kendall and Sage's room, thinking that Sage deserved to sleep in a nice bed, and she was right, but her son assured her quickly that them staying on the couch was the best everyone. Both he and Sage would rather have their loved ones sleeping peacefully in the bed they never used than making them sleep on the couch while they sat on the floor of the room wide awake.

James, Carlos, and Logan were out of the apartment for the later part of the evening; having made their exit after a family dinner prepared by Mrs. Knight to give the reunited foursome some time together and Sage a little extra room to breathe.

The entire space was silent as Kendall clicked the door shut after tucking Katie in just like he used to, kissing his baby sister's forehead before making sure that all the blankets were wrapped snugly around her. He walked down the hallway into the main area of the apartment, spotting Sage immediately. She was standing with her back to him, taking slow breaths and staring at the countertop beneath her hands in the new quiet of their home. They hadn't had any time alone since he hesitantly left earlier in afternoon, so he smiled as soon as he saw her. He approached her casually, slinking his arms around her waist.

"_**Ngh**_…" Sage whined and her knees buckled from the sudden sense of attack she felt, shrinking away only to freeze before she actually made progress.

Kendall's eyes widened, internally beating the shit out of himself for not thinking his actions through in a moment of stupidity while remaining as composed as he could on the outside.

"It's me, Sage! It's Kendall," he almost yelled his words to get her attention before he remembered to keep his voice down for Katie's sake. He lowered it to a murmur as inched around towards her side, pushing his hip into the counter so he could try to see her face.

Sage was breathing heavily with her eyes clamped shut and her hands braced on the cool marble in front of her with her back arched and tense.

"Look at me, baby," Kendall pleaded softly, his fingers reaching towards her before he realized that touching her would probably make it worse. He pulled them back, choking down his own sadness.

Sage needed him right now, but he had always needed her too.

She was there for him in a time when he had no one to truly confide in. He and his family were moving a lot, leaving him with no close friends for years. He had no trust or care for anyone other than his mother and sister, always putting their needs and happiness before his own, but then Sage came in and just gave him his own happiness merely from her existence and astounding mutual love. It had been so easy and calming when they were around each other. Even with her life under Elliot's roof, they hardly stressed out one another. They were the only ones in their lives that gave them complete peace; a freedom combined with a conflicting sense of being tied down that somehow worked beautifully.

Their love was insane and puzzling, but all true forms of the emotion were. The only thing that mattered was their equal desire for it; logic be damned.

Now, Kendall had so many good things in his life; his brothers, his mother and sister, his new career doing something he was always passionate about, but he knew that none of it mattered without Sage.

He needed to keep moving forward. He needed to be whole, but, right now, there was an empty space in his body as he gazed at his soul mate. Kendall could feel so much distance between him and Sage, more than just a year of time. He was determined to fight to get what they had back, even if it hurt him in the process. He was willing to do anything to make them better, to make Sage better.

As the abrupt haze began to clear, Sage felt Kendall's presence, just like she always could, and she opened her eyes. She wasn't in Ramsey. She was in L.A. with her boyfriend, not Elliot. She was safe, but she wasn't necessarily okay.

That would take longer.

"I'm so sorry…" Kendall practically whimpered in anguish beside her, still lingering with his hands close to her only to pull them back right before contact was made.

"I thought we agreed that there'd be no apologizing," she reminded him with a sigh, struggling to breathe normally as she shifted her weight on her feet and continued to keep her body up by using the countertop to steady herself. She tilted her head to the side to watch Kendall as he spoke, something that she found helpful when she tried to focus on reality. She was fighting to stay in the present multiple times a day.

"… but I'm _**really**_ sorry," Kendall argued, staring at her with care like she might drop to the ground if he wasn't there to catch her.

"Me too," Sage agreed immediately, feeling like an idiot for being scared in the first place. She could remember the first day she had spent with the Knights when she and Kendall were both sixteen. He had done the exact same thing when she was in the kitchen, coming up from behind to plant a kiss on her neck and embrace her warmly while she helped Karen with dinner. She hadn't even flinched then, but, this time, she nearly passed out.

"Now we're both apologizing… We suck at this," Kendall complained with a slight drop of his shoulders.

"How about we just agree to be remorseful together?" Sage attempted a sly smile, but it was bittersweet. She was exhausted, he was exhausted, and they both knew it wasn't really a joking matter, but they couldn't just fold in on themselves. They had to keep some semblance of normalcy and attempt to create a good mood.

"Sure, why not? We do everything together anyway," Kendall shrugged and smirked, but that only lasted a second too as he dragged his fingertips bravely down her arm and locked his hand into hers. It was a form of contact that she always seemed comfortable with as long as she was expecting it and, as he anticipated, she squeezed back tightly without hesitation.

"Can I kiss you?" Sage inquired softly, biting her lower lip. Her full playfulness was still not there.

Everything felt slow between them in this moment of serenity amongst every other second that added stress into their lives. This was a rare and good time, one in which they only focused on each other. Sometimes, right along with Sage, Kendall wanted to just hide in their room and rest on the floor with their arms intertwined like nothing existed but them. A moment like this gave him that tranquility and security without actually having to make the effort.

It was almost silly how fast their tones swung from one end of the spectrum to the other. Only seconds before, Sage was on the verge of a break down because he touched her, but now they were placid and holding hands like they'd never let go.

"Why are you asking?" Kendall wondered with a chuckle, making Sage give him an actual smile before she settled down somberly.

"I feel bad that you always ask me everything… I feel bad that you can't just touch me whenever you want to… like you should be able to…" she confessed miserably, her gaze falling down to study how their fingers laced together at her side.

"You're not just mine to have. I don't own you," Kendall teased her lightly, but his expression showed that he understood what she was saying.

"I miss when you did…" she spoke in a whisper, slithering her body against his in a rare act of courage so that they were fully pressed together. She placed a soft kiss onto his jugular.

She missed him making love to her; missed what it meant for them and the contentment it used to offer. It was a way for her to feel owned, protected, and cared for all at once. Now, when she thought about it, she got more anxiety than when she considered being around strangers.

Kendall's breath wavered as he tried to push away the arousal he got from her connotation. He missed her so much. He missed their bodies connecting and uniting without tension. For some, sex was stressful or made the doers self-conscious, but, for Kendall and Sage, it had always made sense. It was an effortless and blissful act, like nearly everything else they did, but that had changed. Elliot set them back farther than where they had even originally begun.

"The answer to your question is a big time yes," he grinned into her hair, still attempting to keep himself at bay. He couldn't let his sexual instincts take over. There were way more important things to deal with than his hormones.

"Now I feel like I shouldn't kiss you. I might catch your lame humor," she joked lightly at his play on words, referring to his band's name, but they both knew that they were talking to avoid the kiss.

She missed his body as much as he missed hers, and she didn't want to get swept away in the temporary feelings of comfort when she knew for a fact that she'd have to end things before they really started.

"You still love me," Kendall insisted, pulling away to look down at her with a smile of pure adoration. The joking manner was dying down as he kept staring into her eyes.

The dark, emerald green was the same. There was a pain behind them that never seemed to fade, but their history was hidden inside too. Elliot was in her head, but Kendall kept her heart.

His hand rose slowly and cautiously, landing gracefully to caress her cheek. He couldn't stop himself from noticing how pale she still looked. She hadn't been outside since she escaped Elliot and traveled by bus to Los Angeles, and she stayed inside the apartment ever since she set foot in it. Kendall's thumb brushed across her bottom lip delicately before he settled it at her jaw. He wanted the kiss but still paused.

"And you still love me?" Sage asked vulnerably.

She had originally meant for it to be rhetorical, with a smile on her face, but it came out sounding entirely small and fragile. She had her doubts in the past about why Kendall would love her, and all of those were gone with his easy reassurances, but they were slithering their way back in now. She felt different and thought that, maybe, Kendall could see it as much as she could feel it. She feared that she may not be who he was in love with anymore.

She should have known better.

"I always will, Sage," he smiled, sighing and taking in the way her warmth mixed with his own at their torsos. "We're adding that to the rule book along with no apologizing; no doubting how we feel about each other… It's the only thing that will never ever change," he smiled even wider, just waiting for her to mirror his expression so he would know that she understood.

Sage instantly felt better, loving that Kendall had that effect on her, and nodded slowly. She closed the distance between them at a snail's pace, meeting Kendall in a tender kiss. Their lips moved expertly like they always had, diving into place as soon as one of them moved so that they were nearly always sealed together as closely as possible. His tongue tentatively darted forward, tasting her bottom lip before pulling away in a form of a test. Sage moaned almost inaudibly, her hands clutching at the back of his shirt as she let him do it again; pushing his tongue slightly further this time so that it swept against her own.

They were both getting lost in it, feeling the natural heat build between them, but it was mixed with tension and remorse because they knew it couldn't last. Sage already felt the anxiety inching its way up her spine along with the overwhelming sadness pushing on her chest. She wanted Kendall to be able to just grab her and pull her into him like he deserved to, but that couldn't happen yet. She wasn't ready, and he wouldn't make himself do it either after knowing what Elliot put her through. They slowed the lip lock down, but still had trouble disengaging fully despite their fears.

"I'm telling you, Carlos, the Jennifer's saying 'later' and holding their hands up to your face does not actually mean that they really want to see you later… Back me up on this, James," Logan and the boys came through the door in the middle of a conversation, breaking the kissing couple apart, but the two didn't stop holding each other.

"I think he's right, Carlitos," James gave his helmet-wearing friend an apologetic slap to his back as Logan pulled his key out of the lock.

"They're just playing hard to get," Carlos concluded, not accepting the idea that he had no chance with the three beautiful, talented, and bitchy Jennifers. "Whoa, uh, did we interrupt something?" he was the first to notice the two teenagers clutching each other tightly in the kitchen. James and Logan looked at them with curiosity, the taller boy's face showing satisfaction and approval while the shorter one's seemed to echo the truth; radiating silent concern and sorrow.

"No, we're glad you're home," Kendall answered without difficulty, slowly disconnecting with an agreeable Sage so that only their hands were linked.

They were happy that their friends came home when they did. Kendall wasn't ready to see the epic amount of guilt on his girlfriend's face when she had to tell him to stop their loving moment out of fright, and she wasn't sure she'd be able to handle the combination of disappointment and determination that Kendall's expression would exude.

They couldn't have broken themselves apart without extra pain. It was easier when someone did it for them.

"Who are the Jennifers?" Sage asked conversationally, stepping aside with Kendall as James entered the kitchen to search the fridge for a snack.

"Carlos' latest fascination," he explained with a roll of his eyes and a smirk at the love stricken boy sitting at the table.

"Otherwise known as the girls he'll never get," Kendall whispered loudly in her hear, making her bite her tongue so she wouldn't laugh.

"Your words don't hurt me, Knight. I'll show you one day when I marry all three of them," Carlos declared smugly, folding his arms and leaning back in his chair so that only two of the legs were touching the ground. "Sage, get over here so I can tell you about my future wives. Don't let your boyfriend mess with your head," he complained dramatically, waving her towards the table. She smiled and settled on the opposite side to listen to Carlos' description of the Jennifers, who she found both intriguing and annoying, while Kendall, James, and Logan all added their little comments between pauses in his extravagant explanation.

The boys, along with the way Kendall held her hand on top of the table, had a way of calming her down and making her feel at home. Other than avoiding physical contact, they tended to treat her normally, which she was infinitely grateful for.

Sage had been living with a twisted man, whom some would call a demon, and she was now graced with the presence of three new and very real angels in her life. It was things like them that made her feel a renewed sense of hope. She couldn't possibly stay tortured and broken when she had so many people working together to build her back up. It would take time, but she wanted it more than anything.

* * *

Katie and Karen's two-day stay went by quickly, which was a good thing for Sage and Kendall. They loved the two females immensely, but their company caused a shift in their already unsettling routine. Neither one of them had slept at all during the visit, both reclining on the couch through the night and talking softly like the world hadn't brutally tortured them. They discussed music, even writing a few songs together in the way they used to. Kendall finally took out his guitar, without any of the guys noticing, and Sage shared her notebooks that were filled to the brim with musical notes and lyrics composed during her time with Elliot.

The days were easy enough to handle, having more people around to keep them lively and alert, but the nights were difficult and tiring as the hours ticked by. However, having each other's company in the insomnia made it better, and not sleeping meant no nightmares for Sage. She was almost too frightened to even think about rest, not bothering to even try under Kendall's watchful gaze because of her fear of informing Katie about the deeper truth behind their separation when she was sure that the girl would ask questions about why she was screaming in the night.

It wasn't too hard of a transition for Kendall, going from sleeping every night after a long rehearsal to barely slumbering at all. He had refused sleep before in Sherwood to fend off his own terrors. Doing it again was crazy, but, despite everything, it was still easier for him to do now because he was with Sage. He was doing it to help her, not to hurt himself.

Kendall had just brought his visiting family's luggage down to the lobby with the help of the guys, the bags being slightly heavier after Katie had bought numerous souvenirs. His friends headed off to the studio, still covering for him with a fake sickness, and he rode the elevator back up to the apartment to get Karen and Katie. The main door was still open from when he originally shimmied through it with the suitcases, and the voices inside had him instinctively stopping in the hallway before stepping into view.

"Are you absolutely sure that you don't want to call the police about Elliot? It seems wrong to just let him off the hook…" Karen's voice floated through the open door, sounding as if she were in the kitchen area as the familiar sound of the fridge shutting echoed in his ears.

Kendall almost stepped forward in that moment, not liking the sudden feeling of protectiveness that told him to rescue Sage from the stressful question. They had been over the police issue before with the same result every time, and he knew her answer wouldn't change, but something in him made him stay hidden in the hall. It was something stronger than the need to help her, which he already knew was overdramatic, and it had him curiously leaning in to hear his girlfriend's response as he pressed his back into the wall.

"He's not off the hook. Elliot's suffering, and he doesn't need to be in jail to do it," Sage explained softly, her voice most likely inaudible to anyone who wasn't in tune with it like Kendall was at a distance. "After what we… went through… I wanted him to have a second chance too… He- There's more to him than anyone knows… He can be good, Karen… I know he can, as long as he starts over," she spoke further, sounding like she was struggling for the words and taking breaths between each sentence as if she were trying to think of how to express her thoughts.

Her response troubled Kendall. He didn't like the attachment she was showing towards Elliot. She should hate him like he did, not offer him a second chance.

"Sweetie, he ruined every chance he had," Karen argued gently. Kendall peeked into the room, watching his mother reach out to rub Sage's arm soothingly as he internally agreed with the wise woman.

"B-But this was d-different… It was m-me who made him the way he was," Sage insisted weakly, her tone wavering as she stared at the ground. Kendall pulled back into the hallway, unsure about whether or not he could stay hidden if he physically saw her pain.

"You can't do that, Sage. You can't blame yourself," Karen shook her head, squeezing the girl's arm lightly. Sage only sighed.

The conversation wasn't going how she thought it would. Karen was trying to help, which Sage was grateful for, but she didn't understand everything that had happened. Sage hadn't revealed some of the finer details that made up her experience. She knew that the rape wasn't her fault, accepting the truth that Elliot's choices were all his own, but, after meeting Kendall, she honestly believed in fate as well as people making their own decisions.

Elliot lost it and set himself on a horrific path by using terrible responses to something fate dealt him; seeing Sage and Julia Daniels randomly in a diner after moving to town. Sage had guilt from so many aspects of her year with Elliot. Her choice to play along with his game of love and devotion plagued her daily, but there was also a nagging sensation occasionally when she thought about her stepfather. She actually hoped that he was somewhere in New England living an entirely different life like she had told him to.

She just wanted him gone and his mind completely off of her. If he was arrested, then there would be an investigation, which would more than likely involve a big trial because of his respected profession, and that wasn't good for her or Elliot. Sage thought that a clean break would be best for both of their sanities.

She couldn't see that she may have been taking the fear-controlled easy way out.

"I know, b-but there's other things about Elliot that no one- "

Sage was cut off when Katie entered the room, making Kendall silently curse when he realized how invested he was in hearing what she would say. He shouldn't be sneaking around. He should just ask her questions, and she'd definitely give him answers, but he was too afraid to force her into anything.

"Is Kendork back yet?" Katie asked, strolling from the bedroom with a pout. She loved Los Angeles. The hustle and life surrounding the area felt like it was made for her, and she was upset about leaving so soon, but Sage was back in her brother's life, so she couldn't make herself completely depressed.

"Don't call your brother names," Karen scolded her halfheartedly, still glancing from her and back to Sage in obvious frustration. She didn't want the conversation to end.

"Fine," Katie sighed before frowning genuinely, crossing her arms as she looked around the apartment; paying close attention to the large windows that filtered in the fading California sun.

"Don't be sad. Come give me a hug, Kit Kat," Sage smiled, waving her fingers at the girl until she walked into her embrace. She lifted the small brunette up into the air with the strength she had been gaining back, memorizing the way she felt.

Hugging Katie was different than any other contact she had experienced in a while. There was some anxiety here and there, her skin itching and crawling occasionally, but there was no real sense of threat. She was tiny and innocent, just a sweet girl, and that was exactly why Sage refused to tell her the truth. She couldn't ruin what Katie still had of her childhood when she knew how it felt for it to be ripped away.

"My ears were ringing. You were talking about me, weren't you, Bite Size?" Kendall made his entrance, not entirely concealing his eavesdropping but not revealing it either as he waltzed in with a smirk at his sister.

"He called me names!" Katie tattled with a grin, only slightly dodging her brother when he attempted to mess with her hair.

"You're both still horrible to each other," Sage laughed at their antics.

"It's how we work," Kendall shrugged, dropping a kiss to the top of his sister's head after receiving a light slap to the ribs from her.

"Katie, why don't you and Sage double-check to make sure we didn't forget to pack anything from the bedroom?" Karen glanced at her son before smiling cordially at her daughter.

"Why don't you just say, 'Katie, please run off to the bedroom with Sage so I can talk to Kendall without you around?' It's much less annoying," Katie rolled her eyes, ignoring her mother's glare as she followed orders without complaining any further. Sage gave Karen a sympathetic smile, titling her head with a look of longing at Kendall before disappearing with the young girl down the hallway.

"What's up, Mom?" Kendall asked, sounding tired after the others left; his mind numbing almost completely as it drifted back to the earlier conversation Sage had been having with Karen.

"We didn't get much of a chance to talk alone while I was here, and I wanted to see how you were doing with everything… and don't say 'fine' or 'okay' because I already know it's a lie," Karen warned him semi-dangerously, watching him hop onto a stool at the kitchen counter.

"I'm dealing, I guess. Things are hard, but they could be worse… I wasn't raped and held prisoner for the past year of my life, so that's a plus right there," he smiled darkly, raising one end of his open flannel shirt to play with the frayed hem.

"Kendall, don't say things like that… You're making it all about Sage and- "

"And I'm not supposed to?" Kendall cut Karen off, glaring at her angrily for the assumption. It _**was**_ all about Sage in his mind and he didn't want to be told to think otherwise. He didn't know anything else right now.

"Of course you are, Sweetie, but you need to think about yourself too. You're different… distant from everything. The stress is getting to you, and I don't want you to crack like before," she bit her lip, losing her composure with a shudder at the memory of a drunk Kendall being escorted home by his friends before calming herself down with a deep inhale of air.

Kendall merely tore his eyes away from her, thinking that she hit the nail right on the head. He was most definitely going to crack sooner or later. He was just hoping for later, wanting to be of use to Sage for as long as possible. He didn't realize that him not being in full control of himself would hurt her too.

"Do you want to rethink coming back to Minnesota for a while? Maybe you could clear your head, and Sage might feel better if she was at home," Karen suggested lamely, practically reading the answer from his mind before he even said it. They had discussed him and Sage going to Minnesota over the phone before, and he always said no.

"This is our home now… Sage and I are gonna get through this together, and I can't abandon the guys and the band… Just go to Minnesota and be happy, okay? Be normal and disgusting with David, keep Katie out of juvy," he stopped to grin at his mother, feeling his nerves float away when he was sure of what he was saying, "and just live your life in Sherwood… I came out here with the guys for a fresh start, and Sage is a part of that… We'll be fine," he ended, using one of the words she had told him not to, which alerted her immediately, but his nonchalant yet sincere expression told her not to press further. Kendall had his mind set on staying, and there was no way to change it.

"As long as you're sure…" Karen sighed and forced a warm smile onto her face. "Be careful, though, okay? Remember to think things through, and don't act… rashly…"

Kendall only nodded, unable to really make a promise. Everything was instinctual with Sage, and all of his actions were for her. They were very rarely hasty, but it just might be the false sense of control that would wreck him in the end. Trying to stay on top of everything would only shove him to rock bottom unless he let someone see his struggle.

* * *

Katie and Karen boarded their plane and Kendall his mask back on, trying desperately to forget the very real doubts and fears his mother unknowingly put in his head. As he and Sage got ready for bed, he was oddly quiet. He didn't even notice it, but Sage did right away. He thought he was good at hiding, but he couldn't even fool the one person he intended to hide from. She studied him intently, watching him move in and out of the bathroom to change into a pair of sweatpants and an old t-shirt without a single word or glance towards where she sat on the floor. It should have disturbed her more than it did, but she only found herself inquisitive about the change in his behavior. It was almost refreshing to not be able to read someone too easily; to be unable to crawl into someone else's thoughts like she had done to Elliot. After how she used him, it felt invasive and too powerful for her liking. She just wanted to be normal, not all-knowing.

"Do you think we could keep the door open tonight?" she broke the silence right before Kendall made a move to push the dresser like usual.

She didn't know where it came from, but she felt the need for a bit of change. It was almost like she was glad that she had the choice whether to be shut in or not. She didn't know what the result would be, more or less anxiety, but she wanted to try something different. It made her a little more comfortable when Kendall nodded and sat down beside her, the open doorway near their feet not bothering her as much as she thought it might. For now, it felt okay.

"What do you want to ask me, Kendall?" she wondered, turning to him with nothing but compassion in her eyes. He had been tense all night, and she could tell he was avoiding something. She started to take guesses when he only bit his lip nervously in response. "Did you want to try holding me again? I can't promise anything, but I really want to if you- "

"Tell me about Elliot."

Kendall's voice was loud and clear for the first time in a few hours, the sound even shocking him. He looked like he surprised himself with the request, which wasn't in the form of a question at all. He felt a little bad about it, but he didn't take it back. He needed to know more. It was like he was almost blind. They were supposed to know everything about each other, but there was still this barrier between them. Its existence was causing him extreme anxiety, and he wanted answers, but he wasn't sure he was going to like them. Actually, from all the little hints he had been picking up, he was nearly positive that he'd hate it.

"What, uh… What do you want to know?" Sage leaned back, resting her head on the pillow and motioning for Kendall to do the same while she tried to relax.

"I heard you telling my mom that you thought he could be good, and that you thought it was your fault that he was so bad to begin with… I don't understand that," Kendall fought not to put the frustration he was feeling into his tone. He didn't think he succeeded but was happy to see that it hadn't affected Sage either way.

"Okay…" she started slowly, trying to focus on where to start. "You know we fell in love super quick, right? It was weird and unexplainable, but also very real," she spoke clearly, her eyes becoming distant as she continued to struggle with how to explain things. Kendall nodded, urging her to go on while he held his breath. "Well, it was like that for Elliot… He said that he fell in love with me when he first saw me eight years ago, and that was what started everything."

"That's… disturbing," Kendall settled on the least harsh word he could think of, his anger biting at his insides with the need to pummel Elliot.

"It is, but he was different before that, Kendall… He was good and just… normal… I could relate to how something like feeling that love could change him, not that it was an excuse, but it's weird to actually understand him a little, you know?" Sage continued quickly, finding her words easily no matter how jumbled they sounded in her head. "I even saw him change… At the beginning, when I gave him an attitude or said things that pissed him off, I got punished for it," she paused when Kendall flinched, thinking about the physical torment she must have went through. She thought he was going to say something, but his lips stayed sealed. "But that got really old really fast. He didn't even seem to like it himself. He wanted us to have a genuine relationship, so I started giving him one."

"What does that mean?" Kendall asked, his gaze darting right to hers in a panic. He already knew the answer before it left her mouth. He just wished it wasn't real, but he wanted the truth, and he was going to get it.

"I k-kissed him, and l-let him sleep with me… I had sex with h-him so he'd trust me," she was crying instantly, her body hit hard with her own words as she doubled over and curled in on herself. "I hated it… I'm so sorry… I'm sorry…"

She was apologizing again, and all Kendall wanted to do was apologize for making her do it. He didn't care about her sleeping with Elliot as much as he thought he should have. After everything they had been through, it felt like just another thing to deal with; something added to their list. It almost made him laugh as he reached for her hand, thinking of how she truly fucked over Elliot. She was a survivor, and way stronger than he felt right now. She had experienced a lot without him, and he was struggling to keep up enough to help her; attempting to be one step ahead while he was really always one behind.

"No apologizing, remember?" he whispered, kissing her cheek as she slowly uncurled her body. "I get why you did it, but it really isn't helping the whole me not-killing-Elliot thing," he admitted with a small grin, using humor to cover up his own need to cry. There were no guidelines for how to deal with these things. He was constantly unsure of what to do, and that wasn't something he was used to.

"He'll stay away, okay? I really believe he will," Sage wiped at her tears with her free hand, squeezing his with the other in what she hoped was reassurance. "I don't want the police involved because I don't want to see him… I just want him to be gone," she mumbled, capturing him in a hug that surprised them both. She never made this much body contact when they were lying down together.

"Alright, then no cops… We're not even gonna talk about it anymore. I promise… I won't make you do anything that you're scared of," he assured her softly, embracing her loosely enough so that she could back out at any time. "Go to sleep now. You're exhausted… I'll be here if you have a nightmare," he kissed her head, pulling away so she could rest on her pillow.

"You're not mad?" she wondered apprehensively, feeling like she wasn't getting the whole story.

"I'm never mad at you," he countered quickly, smiling as he rubbed her arm. "Sleep, Sage. You can question me about my feelings later," he added, sensing her uncertainty. His innocent touch and lack of rest for several days had her eyes slipping shut and her head swimming as she drifted off slowly.

Kendall gave her a few minutes, making sure she was fully asleep, before he sat up and hurried for the door as quietly as he could. He felt the familiar sensation of suffocation trying to claim him, but it dissipated when he entered the hallway. He had just lied to her, not about being mad, but when he said they could talk about his feelings. He didn't even know what the hell they were, and he wasn't too excited about the idea of stressing her out with his confusion.

He couldn't go too far in case Sage needed him, so he pressed his shoulders into the wall beside the door and slid down into a sitting position. His brain was running at a fast pace, yet it was giving him no real answers. Sage had gone through so much more than he even thought. It wasn't just her body that Elliot messed with. It was her head and heart too. Those weren't easily healed, and he didn't even know where to start. The pressure was making him feel like he could get as sick as he told Gustavo he was.

Kendall's eyes stung and he only realized that he was crying when the teardrops fell onto the arms he had wrapped around his abdomen. It was all getting to him, the feelings of not being strong enough starting to invade every part of him. He needed to help Sage, but he couldn't even manage to not end up crying in the middle of the night in the hallway after what she just told him.

"Kendall, what's wrong?"

James' voice broke him out of his trance, making him rapidly wipe at the relentless tears as his friend approached him carefully. He was coming back from the main area of the apartment, holding a water bottle and dressed in pajama bottoms and a black shirt. James kneeled beside him when Kendall wouldn't fully look up.

"What happened?" he inquired gently, frowning when he saw the moisture on the boy's face.

"It's just everything. Nothing's right anymore," he groaned, keeping his volume low due to Sage sleeping only a few feet away. "She's not okay… I'm not okay either, but I don't want her to see it… Do you think she sees it?" he asked insecurely, glancing up at James with wide eyes while his shifted to sit beside him.

"Um, she has the sense of sight, so I'm pretty sure she knows, Kendall," James cringed like he was breaking bad news, placing his water bottle down and turning his full attention to his friend.

"What am I supposed to do to make this better? I usually have answers or plans, but now I've got jack shit," Kendall whined, stretching his legs out in front of him in defeat. His walls were completely down. This wasn't Sage he was talking to. It was his brother, and James wasn't fragile. "Maybe I should take her back to Minnesota. Mom thought it would be a good idea for us to go… I told her that she was wrong, but now I'm starting to think Sage needs more than me," he admitted glumly, not enjoying that he was no longer Sage's cure for everything. "She might be more comfortable there."

James looked around the hall with a disbelieving smile, like he thought Kendall was playing a joke on him with the sudden display of self-doubt. James may have been full of himself, but Kendall was the one in their group who was always sure that things would turn out for the best in the end. Now he was talking like he was giving up.

"First, Sage is comfortable wherever you are. Second, both of you belong here with _**us**_… Me and the guys would hate it if you left with her. She just got here… Don't worry about being alone. You and Sage have all of us too… We're a family, and we'll get through this together just like everything else," James insisted confidently, bumping his shoulder against Kendall's to make him look at his smile.

"I don't want to put pressure on you guys to help us… It's too much to handle," Kendall complained, shaking his head at the brunette.

"Too bad. We're doing it anyway. No arguments," James responded easily, keeping the smile on his face and leaving no room for Kendall to fight him.

"You're- You… I feel like hitting you and thanking you at the same time," Kendall sighed, giving him a weary smile when he felt some relief. He was less alone than he thought.

Distributing the weight of their burdens among five people made it a little easier for everyone to carry their share.

"I'd prefer the thanks," James smirked, leaning his head back against the wall and lazily rolling it to face Kendall.

"Thanks," he grinned, nodding once and feeling grateful. James had hardly said much, but he reminded him of the truth, and sometimes Kendall needed a good kick in the ass. Otherwise, he'd wallow in his misery until it ate him alive.

"It's gonna be really uncool, and entirely unmanly, but I'm going to hug you now," James warned him before wrapping him in a tight embrace, patting his shoulder a few times.

"Stop being an asshole," Kendall chuckled lightly, hugging him back despite his words of caution.

"But it's the biggest part of my charm!" James cried dramatically, pulling away to look at him with mock astonishment. His face settled back into place after a moment, smiling a bit as he leaned back against the wall with a huff.

"Aren't you tired? What are you doing up?" Kendall asked, suddenly realizing what time it was and that it wasn't a normal thing to be awake so late.

"I was getting a drink?" James made it sound like a question, his voice getting higher as he searched for the water bottle he had abandoned minutes earlier. He grabbed it with fumbling hands and waved it at Kendall, who just quirked an eyebrow at him like he knew he wasn't being completely honest. "Okay, so that's a lie," he admitted with a sheepish smile. "I may or may not get up two or nine times a night to walk by your door and make sure you and Sage are alright," he explained quickly, waving his hand like it was no big deal.

"You are such a sap, Diamond!" Kendall whispered loudly, still trying to stay quiet as he struggled not to laugh or feel too honored. It warmed his heart to know that James cared like he did.

"Yeah, well, don't spread your revelation around, or I might just have to kick your ass," James joked, tossing the water bottle from one hand to the other.

"I'd like to see you try," Kendall played back, both of them growing silent once they calmed down again.

Kendall actually started to feel like he could sleep, but James was still curious about something.

"Why do you two sleep on the floor?" he inquired abruptly, appearing to even startle himself by actually saying his question aloud when Kendall jerked out of his comfortable position on the wall. He was surprised, blinking a few times before turning somber.

"She, uh, doesn't l-like beds anymore. They s-scare her after… you know…" he trailed off awkwardly, not enjoying the tingle of disgust and hatred that crept across his skin when he thought about Elliot and how he damaged his lover.

"Oh… but she's sleeping now… That's good, right?" James offered optimistically, momentarily saddened by the new information before brightening for his friend's benefit. Kendall nodded slowly.

"Yeah, that's good… We'll see if she stays that way," he shrugged, fighting the urge to glance back at Sage only to lose the battle. He peered into the room, leaning on one hand as he studied his girlfriend's prone form for any signs of distress. He turned back to James when he found none.

"Things will get better, Buddy. It's just gonna take time, but I'll be here during all of it," James reassured him again, not liking the stressed look his friend was sporting and happily watching it fade when he took James' words seriously.

"Thanks… again… It's going to get really weird thanking you all the time," Kendall smirked, still grateful for the help despite his banter.

"Get used to it, Kenny, because I'm amazing. I'm gonna be doing all kinds of uncharacteristically nice things in the near future," James announced proudly, seeming sure of himself.

"Like what?" Kendall asked, snickering when he could almost see the boy's brain exert itself from trying to think of an answer.

"I don't have a clue, but I'll be- " James started but stopped when Sage moaned in the room behind them. "That'd be your territory," he said softly, sad that Kendall was most likely about to deal with another nightmare. He had heard some of her yelling himself, and it hurt his heart from just listening to it through the walls. Kendall jumped off of the floor, mumbling more thanks to James before hurrying into the bedroom.

He knelt beside Sage, immediately taking her hand into his and locking their fingers together. He used his other hand to caress her arm, using his fingertips to tickle the skin slightly in slow and deliberate movements from her elbow to her wrist until her strained face started to relax.

"Don't forget to sleep, Kendall… You need it too," James was standing in the doorway, his expression tired and forlorn as he watched the troubled couple. Kendall stole a glance at him, giving him silent confirmation that he had been heard before James slipped away to his own room. He kept his door open a crack, not wanting to miss anything if his friend got upset again.

Kendall maneuvered himself into a reclining position without breaking the contact he had with Sage, feeling peaceful after his discussion with James. He knew he had sturdy support now, which would only strengthen what he could offer Sage. His friends would have his back, even if it meant holding him up when he was ready to fall. He felt stupid for not noticing it sooner with his stressed one-track mind. They had done it before, and he had been hoping that they wouldn't need to again, but he was thankful for the assistance. Kendall was strong, but he wasn't invincible.

He relaxed into his pillow, moving his head so that it nearly pressed against hers. His fingers continued to work on her arm soothingly, smiling as he saw the pain drift away from her features; the nightmare more than likely stopping before it really started this time. He kissed her temple, letting his lips linger before pulling away and shutting his eyes.

"Kendall's here, baby. I'll always be here."

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**A/N: So, what were your favorite parts? I think I really liked the Kage kitchen scene and the Kames scene at the end (which is a little bit of a setup to where the next chapter is headed :) Look forward to more drama. This was the calm before the angst storm XD**

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I LOVE new people, of which I've gotten a few in the latest chapters, and I'm very grateful for all of the feedback :) **


	34. Big Time Shelter

**A/N: I really enjoy this chapter and what it sets up :) Let me know what you guys think! :D**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. I also do not own "Beside You" by Marianas Trench… or Pop-Tarts :P **

**Suggestion : ****Go look at**_ Surfergal23_**'s awesome Kendall/OC story, Hooked.**

*******You can hear the song used in this chapter, "Beside You" by Marianas Trench, on my profile (a link to a youtube video :) Take a listen. It's BEAUTIFUL :)**

**_-waterwicca_**

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_CHAPTER 34: BIG TIME SHELTER_

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The morning sun was soft, spilling through the large windows of 2J and casting faint shadows across the floor at Sage's feet. She sat in the corner of the couch, burrowed in the orange cushions with both of Kendall's hands around one of her own; keeping a comfortable space between them while still connected as much as he thought would be tolerable for her. Carlos was beside Kendall, shoveling frosted Pop-Tarts into his mouth while James rested on the floor in front of him nibbling casually on a granola bar. The appearance-oriented boy had gotten obsessed even more over maintaining his body now that he had an actual chance at stardom, so he forwent a high calorie breakfast even though Carlos made it seem appealing with the way he was practically inhaling the pastries whole. Logan grimaced at the crumbs that flew onto the couch from his overeager friend's eating habits while he sipped at the lukewarm chamomile tea in his mug and watched him from his position on the other side of the L-shaped couch.

"That's gonna be us one day," James commented excitedly, tilting his head towards the television, which was showing the paparazzi swarming a young star, Dak Zevon, as he exited a coffee shop with his current girlfriend.

"Having our privacy invaded and plastered all over the TV?" Logan inquired sarcastically, smirking over his cup as he swirled the liquid in a circle and curled his legs beneath him.

His free arm wrapped around the lower part of his legs as he brought them up towards his chest, feeling a small chill while still wearing his thin red pajama bottoms and a t-shirt with the equation y = mx + b written across the front. James just glared playfully at his remark. He had declared that he refused to take the mathlete seriously while wearing that shirt when he saw it earlier in the morning, and James was still holding true to his promise after their small tiff. He merely nodded enthusiastically and turned back to the television. Sage smirked at the whole exchange. She had only been around for just over a week, but it was easy to see the basic dynamics within the group because of the long amounts of time they spent with her and Kendall in the apartment. A small standoff and slight banter between Logan and James was commonplace.

"I think it would be cool… Maybe a little annoying… but still cool," Carlos agreed with James, finishing up his Pop-Tarts before wiping his hands on his sweatpants. He tossed the silver wrapper onto the coffee table and reached to his side for his trusty helmet, depositing it into his lap and drumming a soft beat onto the black surface with his fingertips as they continued watching the news. The image shifted to one of President Obama and footage of the Middle East.

Sage leaned forward with vague interest, trying to absorb what she could from the screen while they rambled on about things she was sure she'd never catch up on. She wasn't ever big on politics or world issues, having quite enough to deal with at home, but she hated being completely blocked off from the rest of her surroundings when she was with Elliot. A meteor could have destroyed half of the earth in the last year and she wouldn't have known about it. In her first week of freedom, she had made a habit of watching the news in the morning as a weak attempt to feel a little more involved. As the reporter chattered on and on, the next story appeared on the screen; displaying a video of uniformed officers investigating a crime scene. Just the images of the cops had her mind reeling, racing back to her days with Elliot when he'd come up to her room still dressed from work. Sage cleared her throat, tearing her eyes off of the television while willing the trembling in her hands to go away before Kendall noticed.

Of course, he caught on immediately.

"So, how are things in the studio with Gustavo and our rise to fame going? Has he made an attempt to maim any of you yet?" Kendall asked the guys with a fake grin, his focus staying right on Sage while she smiled at him; a silent thanks for the distraction as he squeezed her shaking fingers.

"He threw his lunch at Logan the other day when he missed his cue to do a backflip during dance rehearsal," Carlos giggled, holding his palms up in surrender when Logan shot daggers at him with his brown eyes.

"To my defense, it was only because I was used to hearing Kendall sing his verse before I was supposed to go," Logan declared, sending the blonde a short look he couldn't decipher before leaning forward to put his now empty mug on the coffee table.

"Yeah, buddy, you're gonna get rusty soon… but I don't mind. You can keep being 'sick', and then Gustavo will give me all the songs you sing lead in," James teased, punching Kendall's shin from his spot on the floor and getting a halfhearted kick in return.

"That's the spirit," Logan sighed in exasperation and pushed himself off of the couch, gathering up Carlos' garbage and snatching the wrapper from James' hand too after the boy took his last bite of granola. He strolled to the kitchen and stuffed the items into the trash, not saying anything else as he gently set his mug in the sink; shifting around a few plates from the cuddling couple's breakfast. They had eaten earlier, rising even before the sun; still unable to sleep for more than a couple hours at a time without Sage waking up screaming.

Logan felt like he was being stared at and turned towards the living room, catching eyes with Sage. Kendall, James, and Carlos were all watching a dog food commercial, but she was watching Logan with a frown and her head cocked to the side. She caught his sigh and the look he had given Kendall, picking up on things that usually went unnoticed, and she didn't like seeing Logan upset; wishing she knew what it was about. The commercial changed and Logan smiled slightly, telling her to forget it with a brief lock of their eyes before he waltzed back into the sitting area.

"Kendall sings every day. I doubt he's going to get rusty," Sage stated, smiling as she spoke to James after giving Logan a small nod, which he returned quietly as gratitude for not bringing up what she observed.

There were a lot of silent conversations happening in the group, and none of them knew whether it was a good thing because they were connecting or a bad thing because there were words being left unsaid.

"You sing here?" Carlos asked in bewilderment, pivoting in his seat right along with James to stare at Kendall, who nodded and then shook his head marginally; trying to tell them not to mention anything about his usual reluctance to sing outside of the studio.

"Why wouldn't he? We have to kill time with something before the three musketeers come home," Sage smirked at the smiling boys, not noticing the way Kendall's stiff posture relaxed when he thought that it was the end of the conversation. "We write songs, he plays the guitar, and reteaches me how to play too. I'm a little out of practice," she added softly. Kendall huffed when he got a dirty look from James, who had constantly begged him to play all year.

Music was the only thing that Kendall refused to let himself have in his time without Sage. Even when he signed on for Big Time Rush, things were different. The songs were written for them, and he wasn't doing it alone; only getting involved with it in the first place because of his brothers. He put his heart into the band, but he kept a piece of it set aside for his music with Sage; holding his memories of their days spent at the piano or with a guitar in his lap inside of his head for safekeeping. Just as he promised himself, they were taken out of their sealed cage when she came back to him, but he hadn't mentioned it to any of the guys; feeling almost like he still wanted to keep the secret for some strange reason. He was subconsciously attempting to hide Sage and himself from the real world. Kendall longed to bring them back to their own intimate one; the place where everything was okay and nothing scary mattered. He hadn't succeeded, but he was too stubborn to stop trying; only pushing himself harder into the delusion that things could be fixed so easily every time Sage cried or flinched.

"Will you play that song you've been working on?" she asked him excitedly, her eyes lighting up in a rare moment of unadulterated normalcy and cheerfulness. Kendall melted a little bit, forgetting any of his worries with a gentle smile and a thumb that caressed the back of her hand.

"Now?" he wondered with a raised brow and a smirk, dramatically sighing and sinking into the couch like she was making him tired with her request.

"No, Kendall, next year," she replied with a smirk of her own, pulling him a little more towards her and dropping a kiss to his forearm as her expression softened and she let him go in hopes of him getting up to retrieve his guitar.

"I guess I could if you really want me to," he relented, returning the favor and kissing her wrist.

"Yeah, man, let's hear this song," James chimed in with slightly bitter enthusiasm, breaking his weak glare with a squeal when Carlos ruffled his hair from behind him.

"Be nice," he hissed, chuckling at his friend's histrionics.

"Yeah, James, be nice," Kendall mocked, mirroring the pouting brunette's earlier tone as he stepped over him and walked to his and Sage's room.

"Am I missing something?" Sage asked with an awkward smile, shifting back further onto the couch so that the corner hugged her tightly; something she realized helped her to feel like no one would grab her from behind.

"James is just having his first freak-out of the day. Don't worry about it," Logan grinned at her, making her relax when James snorted and ignored him. "What? Got nothing to say, Jamie?" Logan joked further, hitting the mute button on the remote.

"I'm still not acknowledging you until you put on a different shirt, nerd," he countered smugly, only making Logan smile wider as he rolled his eyes.

"He's just a little annoyed because Kendall picked his guitar back up so easily now that you're here, and James has been trying to make him do it for months," Carlos explained for his friend, shrugging like everything was normal when Sage stared at him in confusion.

Kendall never mentioned that he had stopped playing while they were separated. She ignored the questions in her head as her boyfriend strolled back into the room with a smile and his guitar, thinking that now wasn't the time to bring up their pasts again. The morning had been somewhat normal so far, and that was infrequent, so she wasn't going to ruin it. She wiped any negative emotions off of her face and watched as Kendall pulled a chair from the dining table into the living room and placed it beneath the television so Sage had a decent view of him.

The guys were studying him as he moved, calmly situating the guitar on his knee and plucking at a few strings just to hear the familiar sound while a pick was nestled between his lips. James' face was now peaceful again as he watched his friend, Carlos was smiling from ear to ear, and Logan was looking on with interest while Sage merely sat there with a grin. She always loved when he performed. She had listened to BTR's demo, and adored the guys as a group, but nothing compared to Kendall singing live to her. It never failed to make her happy.

_**When your tears are spent on your last pretense**_

_**And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense**_

_**When it's in your spine like you've walked for miles**_

_**And the only thing you want is just to be still for a while**_

Kendall sang softly, his strong voice carrying hypnotically over the sound of the guitar as he strummed it carefully; watching his fingers occasionally only to look back up at Sage after taking a breath and singing the next words. James' expression was brighter than ever, exhaling as he settled back further into the couch and let his legs slip beneath the coffee table. It was everything he had hoped it would be, repeatedly wanting to see his friend like this for a year and knowing what music would offer him; a chance to let down every wall for just a few verses with nothing else in your heart but the lyrics and tune. Kendall's shoulders were relaxed, an uncommon sight as of late, and his smile at his girlfriend was effortless.

_**And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up**_

_**And I will hide you when it gets too much**_

_**I'll be right beside you**_

_**I'll be right beside you**_

Logan didn't like it one bit. Yes, the song was wonderful, and Kendall played even better than he imagined as he sung his heart out to Sage, but the lyrics concerned him more than the usual nagging thoughts plaguing his mind. They were unsettling. Declarations of his willingness to "hide" Sage made Logan nervous about where Kendall's head was at. He already hovered around her, keeping her safe from the very air they breathed if he thought it posed a threat or if that's what she wanted. Sage seemed to appreciate the effort and the love, trying to soak in every ounce of it to stay calm. They stay locked away in the apartment every day, and, as more days pass, Logan's silent worries grow.

Kendall was shutting off parts of his life, occasionally ignoring the existence of the studio and school unless someone brought it up, and Logan couldn't really blame him. The young man had been through so much in the recent years, and it was understandable that he'd find a happy place and crawl into it with no intentions of resurfacing, but Logan knew that wasn't really Kendall. The boy he knew didn't give up like that. He plowed through obstacles instead of working around them. Kendall wasn't being completely honest with himself, avoiding important aspects of his responsibilities in favor of living a life of simplicity with a fragile Sage, but, in the long run, Kendall not being Kendall would hurt them all. It would get them nowhere. In fact, Logan was sure that it would put him and Sage further back than where they started.

_**When you're overwhelmed and you've lost your breath**_

_**And the space between the things you know is blurry nonetheless**_

_**When you try to speak but you make no sound**_

_**And the words you want are out of reach but they've never been so loud**_

Sage bit her lip, fighting off tears. She looked as if she were inhaling his words like oxygen, making them a part of her in order to be less filled with anxiety. It had only been a little more than a week, and they weren't expecting miracles, but she was already tired of nothing changing. She wanted to be able to hold Kendall at night. She wanted them to be them again. Sometimes, she wished for the simpler days when Elliot had just hit her and she could run to Kendall. Now, she was gladly with her boyfriend, but she couldn't fully escape from Elliot. He was always there.

Kendall smiled reassuringly at her as he played a series of notes, stopping his vocals for a few moments. His eyes found Carlos when he caught the boy's movement. He was squirming in his seat, his hands buried beneath his legs in a lame attempt at containing his excitement. Seeing Kendall perform was one of the cooler things he had ever witnessed. It was so different from anything they ever did in the studio. It was emotional and stripped down, and, being the loveable goof he is, Carlos was feeling the need to hug him battling with the desire not to overreact.

_**And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up**_

_**And I will hide you when it gets too much**_

_**I'll be right beside you**_

_**I'll be right beside you**_

…

_**I will stay**_

_**Nobody will break you**_

…

_**Trust in me, trust me**_

_**Don't pull away**_

_**Just trust in me, trust me**_

_**Cause I'm just trying to keep it together**_

_**Cause I could do worse and you could do better**_

Logan tried to calm down, but focusing on his breathing and the song itself wasn't helping. His concern wouldn't go away. It only got stronger and stronger with every word that passed Kendall's lips. He felt a little helpless, thinking of ways to make things better only to see that all of his options had a downside. Kendall wouldn't like any of his suggestions because they all involved change. They involved pushing Sage's limits.

Kendall couldn't keep hiding her forever. She'd get used to it and want nothing else when there was a whole world around them that she should be able to enjoy. Although their circumstances were different, Sage was like Logan in some ways. She kept herself isolated from most people, only letting a few choice confidants close to her heart. If Kendall let her get too comfortable with what she had, then Logan was sure it wouldn't be long before it was all she wanted.

His own life had been changing lately, but, sometimes, Logan regretted that he had stayed burrowed in his shell for so long. He was almost done with high school and he had never had a real girlfriend, and he only ever got close to the boys he considered his brothers; even choosing to ignore his issues with Laura until recently when he worked up the courage to address their problems. Logan had gotten his chance at change when he moved to Los Angeles, and now it was Sage's chance too, and he didn't think he could sit idly and watch her waste it away without realizing it.

_**Tears are spent on your last pretense**_

_**And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense**_

…

_**And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up**_

_**And I will hide you when it gets too much**_

_**I'll be right beside you**_

_**Nobody will break you**_

Kendall finished the song in a quiet tone, which broke when Carlos clapped.

"That was freakin' awesome! You should play it for Gustavo. Maybe he'd buy it off of you," he told Kendall with excitement, getting a roll of the boy's eyes in return.

"I'm sure he'd turn it into the next pop hit," Kendall commented dryly, moving his legs aside when Logan crossed in front of him after getting up from the couch.

"Speaking of pop hits, some of us have to go try to record a few in thirty minutes," he announced unenthusiastically, earning a look of confusion from the entire room due to his manner while he disappeared up the stairs slowly with heavy steps; his thoughts weighing him down.

"Something tells me that Mr. Grumpy Pants should've had caffeine instead of tea," Carlos joked with a chuckle, making everyone brighten again as they all forgot the odd moment. "I should go get dressed," he sighed heavily, using a grumbling James' head as leverage to help him jump over the back of the couch before running up the stairs after Logan.

"Never a dull moment around here," Kendall grinned, standing up and crossing the area to kiss Sage's forehead.

"Thank you for the song," she whispered, reaching a hand up to caress the back of his neck and get a shiver out of him; giving a small intimate feeling between them before her anxiety started to build back up. "Love you…" she murmured, reluctantly letting him go and putting her eyes back on the television instead of on his own, just knowing that it would lead them too deep for either one of them to pull away before they regretted it.

"Love you," he sighed faintly, pressing his lips to her skin one more time before hurrying to turn away and rush off to their room. He didn't even realize James was gone until he saw him standing outside of the bedroom door right where he and Kendall sat while the blonde cried several days ago.

"Quite the talent you were hiding there," he smirked, pushing himself out of his leaning position on the wall.

"I wasn't hiding it. I was keeping it to myself," Kendall smiled at his wit and rested his guitar in the corner of the closet before strolling back out to see James disappearing into his room, leaving the door open. He took that as an invitation. "You're not mad, are you?" he wondered, pushing his shoulder into the doorjamb while he watched James search through his dresser for the right clothes.

The room was almost as bright as the living area of 2J, making Kendall squint as his eyes adjusted after just being in his and Sage's dark bedroom. The four walls surrounding him now had two windows in the back, one on each side of the queen bed. The surfaces of the dresser and the desk were covered in Cuda brand hair care products, only a stray textbook scattered here or there among them. The floor was spotless except for a few stray shirts. It was just as big as the other bedroom, except James didn't have a personal bathroom. While the high maintenance teen was the obvious choice to get his own bathroom when they remodeled the apartment, it was mutually decided that Kendall would get it. The room upstairs was the only one big enough to fit both Logan and Carlos' beds, and everyone decided that Sage would be more comfortable with a bathroom at her disposal that wasn't overrun by males. James agreed easily, merely calling permanent first dibs on the public restroom connected to the kitchen because, even before she arrived, they were all planning for Sage to live there.

"I'm not mad at you," James laughed at the assumption, ripping his black wife beater off and shrugging into a tighter and more expensive purple t-shirt. "In fact, I'm going to do you a favor," he smiled slyly when his head appeared through the garment, looking away from a curious Kendall to smooth the wrinkles out of the clothing.

"Will I appreciate it, or am I going to want to kill you for it?" Kendall asked smugly, crossing his arms and thinking that James' favors could always go either way.

"Oh, you'll appreciate it," he insisted easily, turning as he searched for the perfect pair of jeans. "I want you to go to the studio today…"

"But-"

"Before you even say it, I know… You don't want Sage to be alone," James turned back around with a ball of denim in his hands, his expression now calm and serious. "That's why I'm gonna stay with her if you're okay with it."

"Really?" Kendall straightened up, his eyes searching James for any signs of jest.

"Yeah, you can just tell Gustavo that I caught whatever you had and I'll be out of commission for a while. You need to go in and practice the songs… You can't keep hiding from it. It's a part of you, and I know Sage is too, but, this way, you'll get to have both," James smiled, kicking his sweatpants down to his ankles before hopping into his dark jeans.

"Are you sure?" Kendall wondered, still astonished and a little distressed by the offer. He liked the idea of getting back to work, but he wasn't too keen on the thought of leaving Sage for a long period of time.

"I told you last week that I was going to help you guys. This is me helping," James shrugged, turning away bashfully when he was sure that Kendall was going to look at him with a grateful countenance.

"I guess, if Sage is alright with it, then we could try it out…" he answered reluctantly, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"Great, let's go ask her," James hopped up and pushed his way past a stunned Kendall. The morning was going a lot different than he had imagined. They had developed a routine recently, and things were changing, not rapidly, but enough to rock Kendall a little. He didn't necessarily like it, but he trusted James.

He followed his friend into the living room, realizing that he was already halfway there before he had snapped out of it. When he caught up, he saw James sitting on the coffee table in front of Sage as she took her focus off of the news report on the television. He kept a distance, letting James take control while he stood near the kitchen counter.

"Sage, what do you think about spending the day with me here instead of your boyfriend? You're getting tired of him, right? He's only good in small doses," James joked, his serious tone fading now that he was by Sage; trying to make light of the situation he knew might make her nervous. "I thought that maybe he should get back to the studio for a bit, but we can't leave you alone, so I can stay and keep you company... Trust me, I'm much more interesting than Kendall," he smirked at the huff he heard behind him, choosing to ignore it as he waited for Sage's answer.

"Uh, well, I guess, if Kendall is okay with it, then we could give it a shot…" she responded slowly, glancing at her boyfriend while James laughed at them both when he realized the similarities in their reactions.

"You guys are so alike it's almost disgusting," he rolled his eyes, pivoting around when Carlos slid down the swirly slide next to the table Kendall was now sitting at.

"What's disgusting?" he asked in excitement, seeming to gear up for something fun as he tapped his helmet.

"Love," James answered simply, standing up when Sage and Kendall shook their heads. "Kendall is going to the studio today," he announced proudly, moving around to bring the chair his friend had left in the living room earlier back to the table.

"He is?" Logan's voice chimed in as he appeared from the bottom of the staircase with a hopeful expression. He almost thought he was worrying for nothing all morning. Maybe all Kendall needed was a little time, and now he was going to go back to being more of himself instead of putting every bit of his energy into staying hidden with Sage.

"Yup, I'm gonna stay with Sage today instead. Just tell the boss man that I'm sick with what Kendall faked," James replied nonchalantly. Carlos looked pleased by the idea of Kendall coming with them, and Sage went back to watching the news with her boyfriend by her side; absorbing his presence for the last few minutes before he left.

Logan was worrying all over again. Kendall just tagged out for a small break, and James was helping him do it. Nothing was really changing. It was more of the same, and he had a feeling that it would only damage them further.

Even with all of this on his mind, Logan kept his mouth shut.

* * *

Sage sat behind the couch with her back pressed against it. She was situated between the furniture and the large windows, watching the view of the pool below. She could see many of the Palm Woods' residents, some younger than her and others older. Mostly, it was sort of like high school, except everyone seemed happy. The sun was bright as it shimmered on the surface of the water, and there were very few books in sight. People with instruments, scripts, and sunblock in their hands crowded the area as they lounged about or talked animatedly amongst themselves.

It was a lot different than her view of large trees and dull sky back in her prison in Ramsey. The apartment was almost like a cell too, only it was a lot bigger and she banished herself to it. She wasn't locked in by anything physical. This time it was all mental and emotional.

She smiled and exhaled heavily, not realizing she was holding her breath until James strolled into the pool area from the lobby doors. It had only been three minutes since they decided that he'd leave to get a couple of smoothies when the fridge had nothing that interested them. It was the first time Sage was alone now that Kendall was at the studio, but it didn't really count because she could still see James, and he had every intention of rushing back up to her.

As he moved over to the smoothie stand at the far side of the pool, Sage kept her attention on him rather than thinking of how she was by herself in the apartment. Usually when she was alone, she was always waiting for Elliot to get back from work. She had to remind herself that her stepfather was never going to come for her. After a week of him not showing up or contacting her even when he knew exactly where she was, Sage was almost positive of her assumption that he wouldn't chase after her. Hopefully, Elliot was utilizing the billionth chance she was giving him.

James ran into a brunette girl after he told the guy behind the counter what he wanted, smiling brightly when the young female began chatting with him. He laughed as she gestured wildly to a blue script booklet in her hands. Her long hair was tied neatly back, the tresses swaying every time she moved excitedly. James smiled even more at the girl, appearing to offer words of encouragement and interest as he patted her shoulder gently.

The boy's friendly demeanor with the pretty brunette surprised Sage. Kendall had told her that James tended to flirt as much as he breathed; always doing it without even thinking it through, but this encounter looked easygoing and normal.

James handed money to the worker behind the booth and picked up the two blended smoothies he deposited onto the counter. With a few parting words to the girl, he walked back through the lobby doors, and Sage climbed over the couch to wait. Now that she couldn't see him at all, her anxiety built up in her chest. She couldn't even make herself sit down. Instead, she hovered near the dining table awkwardly; unsure of what to do with herself in the next few minutes.

It seemed longer than it actually was before James came through the main door with his cell phone propped against his shoulder and ear as he carried two cups in his hands. Sage jumped at his voice while he talked to someone on the phone and the sound of the door swinging open. It startled her despite the fact that she was expecting it. She had gotten used to hearing the jingle of keys and the turn of the lock before someone came in, but he had left it unlocked while he ran down to the pool to get their drinks. James had promised that he'd only be five minutes, and she had even watched him most of the time, but this moment still made her nervous like everything else did. Even things that were supposed to be predictable made her skin crawl.

"Yeah, I'll talk to you again on the weekend… I love you…" James smiled and handed Sage the orange smoothie when she shook herself out of her shock and moved towards him to take it so he'd have a free hand. He kicked the door shut and ended the call.

"You got a girlfriend back home?" Sage teased lightly, nodding towards his cell phone and making conversation as she sipped her drink so she could take her mind off of her own feelings.

"What?" James laughed like she told a good joke, shaking his head. "That was my mom," he told her, leaning back to lock the door. He had gotten a random call from Sandra almost as soon as he was done talking to Camille by the pool.

"Why is it so absurd for me to think you have a special someone? You're…" Sage scrunched her face, struggling for the appropriate words.

"You can say it! I'm very attractive," he grinned, proud of himself with a puffed out chest as he swayed his hips and strutted over to the dining table.

He sat on top of it with his legs folded beneath him after Sage pulled herself up onto the kitchen counter and kicked the wood beneath her occasionally with dangling feet. He made sure to give her a respectable amount of distance, but he was also trying to create a comfortable equality between them while they spoke.

"Sure, but your head's a little big," Sage refuted playfully, making a dig at his oversized ego and smirking around her straw as she took another sip of her smoothie.

James stared at her with wide hazel eyes for a second, shocked by her taking a small jab at him, but he couldn't wipe the smile off of his face as he swirled the blue liquid in his cup around. He decided that he liked it, not used to girls ever denying his handsome appearance but somehow enjoying the fact that Sage was different. She didn't want anything from him other than company and discussion. It was a nice change of pace from his usual routine of flirting without shame and bedding the girl of the week.

"Thanks for the smoothie… I haven't had something like this in a long time," she spoke steadily, looking down at the orange drink in her hands as it dripped condensation onto her jeans.

"Elliot wasn't big on treats?" James scoffed darkly with a distant chuckle before he realized how insensitive the comment was. He wasn't used to using a filter when he was comfortable like this.

Before he left for the studio, Kendall had only given him two rules: no touching and no talking about Elliot. James already felt like he just failed miserably when his friend was counting on him.

"I'm- " he started to apologize, but Sage cut him off with a wave of her fingers.

"No, uh, we usually ate a lot of takeout… Actually, he kept meals easy and limited to plastic utensils… He threw out all of the sharp silverware when he started letting me leave my room. I think he was worried about me hurting him or myself…" she absentmindedly glanced down at her arm.

Her self-inflicted cut was healed shut now. Logan had taken the stitches out the day before. She could still practically feel the rubber gloves against her skin, which she had been grateful for. If his skin touched hers directly, she wasn't sure that she would've been able to keep from moving. The scar was long and straight, but it looked like it had a good chance at fading more than the others Elliot had given her. It figured that the mark she was almost happy to have would be the one to disappear while the others stood out to her every time she looked in the mirror.

James frowned, gripping his cup tightly. The thick plastic began to dent beneath his thumb, and Sage decided to switch gears.

"But, y-yeah, I haven't had a smoothie since the spring of last year… Kendall and I skipped out of school during lunch and spent all afternoon lounging by the lake," Sage's sad expression was gone, replaced with one of serenity as she thought back to their "spot". She missed it more than she expected, silently cursing herself for not taking the chance to walk by it before she left town. Everything was always perfect there.

"What was Kendall like in Ramsey?" James wondered with a soft smile, her words about the past sparking his interest. He had only known his best friend in childhood and then again after he had gone through so much in his teen years.

"What was he like in Sherwood?" Sage asked immediately, quirking a brow and grinning along with James; both knowing how loaded the questions were.

"You first," he insisted, using one of his hands to lean back on the tabletop while the other kept a firm grip on his drink.

"Kendall was basically a prince," Sage laughed, sighing heavily with a persistent smile at the good memories of Ramsey. "We met in the hospital when I was getting my wrist checked out after a run-in with Elliot, and he was there for a head injury he got from a rough game of hockey… He was kind and just really different from everyone else. Everybody knew me in Ramsey. They judged me because of my past and because of the things Elliot made them believe, but Kendall stuck by my side even after he saw the way people treated me… It was like he could see something that no one else could… He kept me optimistic even when I was in all kinds of pain," her smile turned dark and her skin burned with phantom bruises and violent touches, "but he was different in Sherwood, wasn't he? I can tell even though he doesn't talk about it… I think he wants to avoid stressing me out," she sighed again, feeling like a burden.

"Would it stress you out if I told you the truth? 'Cause I don't really like the idea of Kendall pummeling me after I make you cry," James joked slightly, also using his words as a precaution so she could back out of her original question if she needed to.

"I gotta find out sometime, right? Kendall can't protect me from everything no matter how hard he tries," Sage shrugged, seeming to accept her fate more than anyone else was willing to. Right now, they all wanted to save her.

"Okay, I'm gonna hold you to that when he looks at me with those angry eyes he gets," James smirked, gulping down a bit of his smoothie before starting. "Kendall was a lot different when we saw him for the first time in Sherwood. The kid was plastered and trying to pick a fight with someone at this party in the woods," he held back a laugh when Sage's eyes nearly popped out of her head. She knew that Kendall never touched alcohol. "We took him home and he told us the story about you the next morning, but sharing didn't make him better… He was wrecked, Sage… It was scary to watch him be so numb and shut down, blaming himself for everything that he was sure was happening to you in foster care," he stopped, saddened by the thoughts of the past and the fact that it used to be simpler when they truly believed she wasn't with Elliot.

Sage didn't say anything, only watching James with a gloomy expression; like she knew all of this already without ever being told. She always had a feeling that Kendall would try to self-destruct without her, because she had the same exact thoughts without him.

"He even pushed away Mama Knight and Katie. He ignored them for a while, not wanting to get involved in anything he might mess up… It was so weird seeing Kendall Knight think that he was a failure… He was always the kid who won even when he lost. He never let anything get him down, and he kept us all up around him with his never-die attitude when we were kids… and then there he was a year ago; ready to just throw in the towel," James exhaled heavily, not realizing how crazy those months had been until he was retelling the tale.

"And you guys saved him," Sage was smiling when he looked up, which surprised him a bit. He was saddened by his own words, but she seemed to just know that it turned out alright.

"He would've done the same thing for us. Hell, he's saved all of our asses too many times to count," James laughed airily, thinking of all the trouble their diverse group had gotten into. "Kendall got better after a little while. It just took time and effort. We had to keep refusing to let him turn away from us, and, eventually, he gave in… It took a few months for things to get as normal as they could… He talked about you all the time. Sometimes it made him upset, and other times it made him happier than we ever thought was possible… The only thing he didn't do, even when I begged him, was sing or play his music… He said you both wrote and played together, but he never showed that to us… It only finally came out when Gustavo showed up in town and Kendall tried to stick up for me at my audition. It turned into a crazy mess, but it got us here, so we aren't really complaining," he finished with a glance around the spacious room, closing his eyes like he could just feel California in his pores.

"That boy is an idiot sometimes," Sage laughed bitterly. "I can't believe he didn't even tell me that he stopped playing… Kendall is always trying to punish himself for the things he can't control."

"He's a martyr. It's the way he's always been. He's half honorable and half stupid," James joked, scooting forward to the edge of the table so his legs were unfolded while he swallowed more of his smoothie. "Kendall is always gonna be the leader, and he's always going to carry the weight of his world and everyone else's on his shoulders… The dumbass would jump through literal rings of fire for us… It's sweet, and I love the guy, but it's also really- "

"Terrifying," Sage finished for him, licking her lips nervously as she tucked one of her legs beneath her body and settled back down onto the counter more comfortably while cupping her drink between her hands.

"Definitely… " he agreed with a short nod, not enjoying the very plausible idea that Kendall would die for them. It gave them a sense of protection and love, but it also made them feel like they couldn't do enough to repay him; like they could never talk him out of his stubborn thought that he owed them something. If anything, they felt like they owed him.

"We should probably stop talking about Kendall. He's going to ask about our day later, and then he'll get all pissy if we say we gossiped about him," Sage redirected the focus, lightening the mood instantly when she saw James smile. "Let's get off the topic of my love life and talk about yours instead," she suggested cleverly.

"I don't have a love life. I have a sex life," James explained like he had said it many times before.

"Okay, why is that? You don't like commitment?" Sage asked, making him blink for a second to clear his head after he was sure she'd drop the subject of sex when he brought it up, but she just moved forward.

"I don't like the lies and effort everyone puts in only to be destroyed in the end… I mean, no offense, but look where you and Kendall are right now… Your love for each other put you guys through a lot of bad stuff," James used her as an example, waving his cup in her direction as if he summarized everything the couple had gone through. It seemed to work for Sage. Words were hardly able to describe the experience, so flimsy gestures got the point across just fine.

"It could be worse," she insisted with a light tone.

"How?" James inquired as he raised a perfectly groomed brow, thinking that she must have been kidding.

"We could have lost each other completely. Then we'd be all alone," Sage explained forlornly, making James grow quiet for a moment at the idea of always being by himself. He believed that it was what he wanted, what he always prepared himself for, but lately his thoughts tried to fight his instincts.

"But you two are special or some shit… You're the exception. Somehow, despite absolutely everything, you guys always come back together," James shook his head as he sipped his drink.

"You sound so shocked by the idea," Sage declared, intrigued by his attitude.

"It's kind of mind blowing. My brain was always on the next girl I could bring home with me, not on the thought of love, but then Kendall put me in my place," James let out a short laugh.

"What did he do?" Sage asked, leaning forward slightly with interest.

"Well, there was this dance… and you can't get mad at me because Kendall already forgave me… just putting that out there… Anyway, we had a dance last year and I thought it would be a good idea to get Kendall a date so he could have fun…" James spoke lowly, his voice rising an octave the more he continued.

"You didn't?" Sage giggled, making James pout playfully at her reaction. "Did he hit you?"

Sage thought that the answer was definitely going to be yes. She had recent conversations about the boys with Kendall, and he had declared that James was the most likely to get punched in the face.

"He almost did, but he stopped when Carlos and Logan tried to get him to calm down… He went on and on about you and respect and love, and it just confused the hell out of me. I guess I wasn't really taking it seriously until I almost lost him because of my stupidity. He told me that I disrespected you and your relationship… So… sorry about that… " James apologized awkwardly, clenching his teeth and shutting his eyes as he waited for her anger.

"I'm sorry he almost bruised your face. I know how much you care about it," Sage apologized right back, not missing a beat when she smiled at him as he almost fell off of the table.

"You're not mad?" he wondered in disbelief, not letting himself relax until she answered.

"You had good intentions. They were misguided, but still really good," Sage laughed easily. "I'm sure Kendall could even see it since he forgave you," she offered positively, trying to give James reassurance when he felt like he didn't deserve it.

"I can't believe you're not upset at all… I just told you that Kendall kind of went on an almost date with another girl and you're just sipping on your smoothie like I told you the sky was blue," James' voice was nearly monotone out of astonishment. It was almost as if he wanted a reaction from her. He was expecting one like his brothers would normally give him; blowing up angrily when he made a big mistake, but Sage was different. She refused to jump to conclusions because she didn't really know him yet.

"I can't be upset about nothing. I know Kendall wouldn't cheat on me," she shrugged nonchalantly, twirling the straw in her drink.

"It's that simple? It's that easy for you to trust him?" James asked in amazement, not fully grasping the amount of faith people put in each other.

"I love him, so, yeah. It's probably one of the easiest things in the world," she nodded simply, not sounding unsure at all. James just laughed.

"Love is so messed up. It makes people crazy," his words made Sage chuckle, but she sobered up at his next sentence. "It's definitely not for me… I'm just gonna stick with my general insanity and my career."

"How can you be so sure that you'll never want anything more? Your soul mate could be right around the corner," Sage offered optimistically, not getting derailed when James rolled his eyes. "What about that girl you were talking to by the pool? It seemed like you were into her."

"Camille?" he laughed harder, shaking his head vigorously. "She's just my friend, and she's _**way**_ into Logan… I have a feeling they're gonna finally date as soon as that dweeb grows a pair," he continued with a smirk.

"So, you were only actually able to talk to a girl all happily and calmly, no flirting involved, because you knew that she _**wasn't**_ a possible one night stand?" Sage looked at him like he was completely nuts.

"Uh, yeah, I guess… I don't ever go out with people I really like… When you mix emotions and sex- "

"You get intimacy," she finished for James, starting to realize what he was so afraid of.

"I was going to say that it complicates things, but we can go with what you said too," he grinned, slurping the last of his drink and sliding off of the table.

"You're an odd one, James Diamond," Sage muttered into her nearly empty cup, smiling despite her confusion as she struggled to figure him out.

"I'm taking that as a compliment," he announced pleasantly, tossing his cup into the garbage before taking hers carefully, being sure not to touch her, and putting it in too.

"I have a feeling you take most things as compliments," she sighed, leaning back as he walked in front of her before she hopped off of the counter.

"You learn so fast … Wanna watch a movie?"

Somehow, it didn't surprise Sage that James changed the subject so quickly. He was already moving to the expensive entertainment system and sorting through a stack of DVD'S. She nodded and wandered further into the kitchen to dig out a bag of popcorn and toss it in the microwave.

"Thanks for staying with me, James," she smiled sadly, bracing her hands on the sink as she spun around to look at him; saying what she wanted to say since he had suggested he remain home in the first place. "I know it probably feels like babysitting, but I really appreciate you being here."

"Hey, don't talk like that. I'm here because I want to be here… Besides, James Diamond does not _**babysit**_. He hangs out with his friends," he grinned effortlessly, making Sage relax.

She took the popcorn out of the microwave when it beeped, ripping the bag apart and leaning away from the steam.

"I'm mentally hugging you right now" James called out cheerfully, tossing a few videos onto the coffee table with a bright smile in her direction, making Sage laugh at his ability to adapt. She was worried about inconveniencing the guys when she moved in, but it appeared as though they knew exactly how to deal with everything.

"And I'm not even going to mentally push you away," Sage replied, smirking as she dumped the snack into two bowls and walked towards the living room to stand near a grinning James.

"I mentally appreciate that."

* * *

"I swear, if another one of you dogs catches something, I'm gonna give you all a one-way ticket back to Minnesota!" Gustavo yelled at Kendall, Carlos, and Logan as they rushed down the hallway of the studio to get away from their loud producer after a long day of recording and rehearsal. Unfortunately, Kelly had to be in a meeting as a representative for her boss, so she wasn't there to cushion the blows today. It was just Gustavo and the band, which was still one member short.

Logan nervously jammed the button to the elevator, attempting to will it with his mind to arrive on their floor while Carlos dramatically gripped the back of his shirt at Gustavo's tone. Kendall just strolled along the corridor with a calm smile and crossed arms. He kept insisting, especially after months of working for him, that their producer was a lot of talk and no action. They had a special connection together as employer and employees, even collaborators on some occasions, and he couldn't ever see Gustavo giving up on them despite all of his yelling.

"Oh, and if you ever get sick again, I'm going to strangle you!" Gustavo added towards Kendall before disappearing into his office, making a show out of slamming his door and calling for Kelly before embarrassingly realizing that she wasn't around.

"It was nice seeing you again too, Gustavo!" Kendall shouted happily, his tone both haughty and playful as they piled onto the elevator.

The ride down was quick, and Carlos practically sprinted to Kendall's car; enjoying the wide space and fresh air of the evening after being in the studio for six hours straight with very little breaks due to Gustavo's temper when he realized having Kendall back meant losing James. He hadn't had the full band together in over a week, and if he wasn't already balding slightly he would accuse them of making him lose his hair.

"He's gonna get super pissed when James isn't there again tomorrow," Kendall laughed as he unlocked the car and climbed into the driver's seat. Logan sat beside him while Carlos dove into the back, barely remembering to buckle before he started to fish out a sketchbook from the pocket behind Kendall's seat.

He scrambled for a pencil as his imagination pummeled him, shooting him with a bunch of images after being cooped up in the studio singing for most of the day. Carlos wanted to use his passion for art to design the cover for their album or at least a few promotional pieces for the band, but Gustavo had rejected him every chance he got. However, that didn't mean that the artistic teen was giving up. Carlos very rarely let anything get him down, and the often angry Gustavo was no exception.

"Maybe we should _**all**_ go in tomorrow," Logan suggested quietly but firmly, trying to get Kendall to jump on board.

"Where have you been, Logie? We can't all go or Sage will be home alone… You gotta get more sleep," Kendall rolled his eyes as he backed out of his parking spot and headed for the main road, chuckling darkly when he realized that he himself could have used another decade of rest. He didn't realize that Logan's mood had turned sour until the boy spoke again.

"So, what's the plan here? We're gonna be a band of three every day and switch out members each week due to mysterious illnesses? Have you even thought this through? We can't just keep doing the same thing over and over again," he ranted loudly, worrying that he wouldn't be heard if he didn't stand his ground about what had been bothering him since he woke up.

Kendall didn't respond at first, only giving his friend a nasty look before the words really sunk in; making him see that they held some truth, but he wanted to ignore the distant future. He decided that he just needed to worry about Sage minute by minute or he might become too overwhelmed when he had none of the right answers.

He scrunched up his face in disgust at the topic of conversation and decided that he had enough. Kendall leaned forward as he kept his eyes on the road, turning the volume of the radio up to the maximum level and filling the small space with deafening rock music. Logan immediately shook his head and turned it down.

"Oh, god…" Carlos groaned from the back seat, starting to understand that something was about to go down. He tossed his sketchbook aside, pressing his shoulders into the upholstery beneath them to brace himself for the building argument. Kendall and Logan probably got along easier than any other pair within their group, so, when they fought, it got intense.

Logan was already annoyed and defensive, but he came in emotionally prepared and guarded because he was taking a role with Kendall that he normally wouldn't even attempt. In their dynamic, it was usually Kendall that always persuaded a skittish Logan to do something. Now it was an aggravated and concerned Logan approaching a stubborn and protective Kendall. They were like oil and water.

"What the fuck is your problem?" Kendall hissed at Logan, glancing at him out of the corner of his eye as he switched his turn signal on and moved to a lane that would get them closer to home faster; itching to see Sage even more than earlier.

"_**I**_ don't have a problem. _**Sage**_ has the problem," Logan declared matter-of-factly, not lessening his attitude despite the anger that was rolling off of the driver in waves. Kendall slammed on the brakes suddenly; jerking them all forward and making them thank anyone who was listening that no other cars were behind them.

"Uh, Kendall, that's a green light," Carlos warned him shakily, sighing when he was completely ignored by Kendall, who talked directly to Logan.

"Are you serious right now? It's like you _**want**_ me to kick your ass," he looked around the car like he was sure that he was being messed with, never expecting phrases like these to come out of Logan's mouth.

"What I _**want**_ is for you to open your eyes! Sage isn't okay, and you can't keep sheltering her. She's not going to get any better if- " Logan's speech was cut short when a car appeared behind them, making the three boys jump when the person honked their horn. Kendall threw a hand out the window, flipping them off before checking that the light was still green and stepping heavily on the gas; grateful that his speed made the Palm Woods quickly appear in the distance.

"She just needs time, Logan, and we're giving it to her whether you like it or not," Kendall spat at his friend, trying to calm his heart rate down while pulling into the parking lot and searching for the closest spot.

"You're such an asshole! Stop trying to make me out to be the bad guy because I'm the _**only**_ one who's sane enough to tell the truth… I care about Sage, and I want her to be okay. I want her to have a normal life, but nightmares that wake her up in hysterics are not normal. Wanting to cry or run when someone other than you gets within a two foot radius of her is not normal. Staying inside for the rest of her life is not normal!" Logan yelled, losing any composure he thought he had as the conversation progressed. He really meant for it to go differently, but keeping the stress to himself was starting to make him crack.

Kendall parked the car and didn't say a single word about Logan's outburst, choosing to open the door and slam it shut instead. Carlos remained quiet, looking as sad as a lost child as he followed Logan, who was cursing under his breath while he climbed out of the car and hurried towards Kendall.

"Kendall, wait! I want to talk about this," he sounded almost apologetic, beginning to calm down after he saw his best friend literally running away from him.

They made it into the lobby right as Logan spoke and Kendall responded.

"Well, I don't!" he yelled angrily, his voice loud enough to make the occupants of the area stare at the normally happy group in astonishment.

"Maybe you should anyway," Carlos murmured as softly as he could, trying not to cause any more of a scene but cringing when Kendall's glare was directed at him. He bit his tongue, trying not to be sorry for speaking his mind but also a little remorseful that Kendall was getting upset.

"Everything's fine. I know how to deal with Sage… I've done it before…" Kendall insisted sternly, keeping his tone low and only moving through the lobby when everyone decided that they weren't worth watching anymore.

"You've only ever helped her cope, not heal, and you've certainly never dealt with her after she was raped before," Logan whispered, attempting to not sound too harsh but also knowing that he needed to say what he said.

Kendall's eyes went wide at his friend's words, almost seeming like he never wanted to hear the actual truth despite the fact that he knew it and lived it constantly in his head. He wanted to pretend that none of it was real, but now Logan was forcing him to see it.

"Stop it, Logie…" he whined faintly, sounding as if he'd been kicked and begging the boy to drop it the subject, but Logan just shook his head.

"No," he responded regretfully, only sure that Kendall heard his low volume when the blonde huffed and pivoted around to start heading for the stairs; not willing to wait for the elevator.

"Let's just hear him out, Kendall… Logan tends to be right about a lot of things…" Carlos tried to convince him as they followed him into the stairwell. Kendall bit his lip, considering them and stopping his climb for just a moment before continuing forward again with a scowl. Carlos took his silence for a reluctant agreement and nudged Logan to make him say something.

"I think we should get Sage into therapy."

Kendall froze altogether, stopping so abruptly that Carlos' face hit his back when he kept hurrying up the stairs. The boy stumbled and straightened himself out, but Kendall didn't move an inch until he climbed up the last step so he was on the landing between the first and second floor while he stared down at Logan with an infuriated expression.

"Not gonna happen," he grinded the phrase out between his teeth, spinning back around to continue moving up the next flight of stairs.

"Why not?" Logan sighed in exasperation, rushing with Carlos to keep up with their friend.

"Sage doesn't want therapy," Kendall stated decisively, not meeting their looks as he kept going forward. He thought about what he and Sage used to discuss in Ramsey; how she felt like no one believed her when she was committed involuntarily the one time she tried to tell the truth in her earlier years with Elliot.

"Is that what she said to you?" Carlos wondered innocently, cautiously keeping some distance between him and Kendall when he reached the next landing and swung the door to the hallway open.

"It's what I know. She'll learn how to get through this. She's strong…" Kendall argued, his footsteps faltering as he slowed them down along with his words.

"She's wrecked, Kendall. She has post-traumatic stress disorder! That doesn't just go away!" Logan shouted in frustration, pulling at his own hair when his friend wouldn't relent at all. Kendall stopped walking; turning around to face Logan and Carlos while he used one hand against the wall to keep himself standing.

"Shut up. She's not sick," he growled, still reminding himself that it was his brothers in front of him and not a stranger he could possibly hit.

"Sage is very sick, and you're not helping her," Logan kept disputing him, uncharacteristically refusing to back off.

Kendall swallowed the lump in his throat and rushed down the hall, digging his keys out when he reached 2J and shakily unlocking the door.

"We have to do something different than what we keep doing. She needs to get out of the apartment and be outside sometimes," Logan argued softly, watching as Kendall ceased his movements before actually opening the door. His voice lowered to a raspy whisper while his hand stayed on the doorknob.

"And what if Elliot comes for her? She can't just walk around the streets of L.A. with no protection," he insisted angrily, which made Logan shake his head.

"She's the one who let him go!" he whispered back, his forehead creasing when he fought not to yell. Kendall's jaw stiffened and he took a threatening step towards Logan only to have Carlos shimmy between them. Logan didn't even flinch. "It was her choice, Kendall. Sage knows what she got herself into… If she really believes that Elliot is out there trying to live a whole new life, then I'm going to believe that too… She can't just hide forever like she is now… Is that even what she wants to do? Have you ever asked her?" Logan inquired, appearing as if he just realized that Kendall wasn't giving Sage healthier options to choose from.

"I don't need to ask her anything. I know her. She- "

"It's been a whole year, man. Things changed… She's not like she was before… Even we can see it," Carlos interjected sadly, inching away from the dueling boys.

"Everything's fine," Kendall groaned again, finally pushing the door open and entering the apartment.

"We both know that's a lie," Logan argued further, making James stare at the trio in confusion.

He was sitting at the computer in the corner, his hair damp and his body only dressed in sweatpants and a loose t-shirt.

"Where's Sage?" Kendall asked instantly, glancing around the room for her.

"She's in the shower," James answered quickly, still straining to figure out why they all looked so tense. "We played a few rounds of Dance Dance Revolution, and I totally won," he cheered, pumping his fist into the air as he strolled towards them. It made Kendall smile for a moment before James continued. "What's going on with you guys?"

"Logan's trying to make me hate him," Kendall declared spitefully, crossing his arms when Logan exhaled noisily.

"I am not! I'm trying to make things better for Sage," he complained, sounding tired when he noticed that he wasn't getting very far.

"Sage is fine. We had fun, and everything was completely normal today," James shrugged, seeing that Kendall needed backup and offering it without hesitation.

"Did you get anywhere near her personal space or touch her at all?" Logan's face grew serious and slightly smug, already knowing the answer.

"No, she's Kendall's girlfriend," James joked lamely, attempting lightheartedness without really seeing the heavy weight of the conversation yet.

"This is serious, James," Carlos spoke first, surprising him. He looked over to his friend, feeling a bit hurt, like he got betrayed but also like he couldn't argue with him. "Logan thinks that we should all go to work tomorrow..."

"And Sage should be evaluated by a professional therapist," Logan added quietly, his eyes darting to the hallway to make sure that the girl wouldn't show up any second.

"That idea sounds like bullshit," James chuckled darkly, getting an agreeable nod from Kendall. "She doesn't even like it when we sit too close. I really doubt that she's going to want to tell her secrets and fears to a stranger all alone."

"She might… if it's what's best for her," Logan fought, still unwilling to back down.

"She won't," Kendall announced firmly.

"How can you be so sure?" Logan wondered, rubbing his hand over his face out of irritation.

"Fine, Logan. You win! Let's ask Sage and leave it up to her, shall we?" Kendall inquired rhetorically, smiling even though he found nothing funny as he hurried to their bedroom. Sage was just exiting the bathroom, fully dressed for bed in a pair of shorts and one of Kendall's old shirts; her wardrobe still limited until she did some shopping.

"Hi, how was- "

"Will you come with me, please?" Kendall kept his voice low, the words sounding rushed in his ears as he held out his hand for a shocked Sage. She expected a kiss and declarations of missing her from the usually distraught Kendall, but now he looked upset in a whole new way. He looked pissed off.

"What's wrong?" Sage asked, concern lacing her tone as she took his hand without resistance and let him guide her to the living room.

"Logan has something he wants to say to you," Kendall announced quietly, already feeling the guilt burning away in his stomach due to his friend's eyes widening fear.

Kendall's tactics were cruel, but he felt the need to teach Logan a lesson as his instincts to protect and defend Sage overwhelmed him. It was him against everyone else when it felt like the world was pressuring him, and every face started to remind him of Elliot. Everyone was a possible threat that needed to be met with power and force. Kendall was already regretting his decision to involve Sage in the argument before he even saw her reaction, but he needed Logan to witness it; needed him to see what he was dealing with and why he was so resistant to shaking things up.

"What is it, Logan?" she asked warily, sensing the heavy atmosphere in the room and knowing that she wasn't going to necessarily enjoy where it was leading them to.

"I, um… I suggested to Kendall that it might be a g-good idea for you to get th-therapy. I thought that maybe if you got an evaluation, then you could get the help- "

Logan stopped his weak rambling when Sage inhaled sharply and made a sound like she wasn't going to stay conscious unless Kendall held her up. He was already shushing her softly, petting her hair as she shook her head slowly.

"No, I c-can't… They'll lock me up, Kendall… I'm n-not okay… They'll see it, and they'll lock me away… I can't be trapped," the tears in her eyes didn't even fall; all of them being sealed in when she clenched her eyes shut so she could try to focus and stay in the present. Her mind kept wandering to the time she was committed to a psych ward for several days in her early teens because of Elliot. After the last year, she knew she'd never survive something like that again. "Please…" she mumbled, clutching onto her boyfriend's arms so hard that she was sure her nails were breaking skin, but Kendall didn't appear bothered at all. He kept kissing her cheek and trying to keep her calm.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to… Everything's okay, baby… Just breathe, alright? Go lay down. I'll be in soon… Don't close your eyes unless I'm there, or it'll get worse," he instructed steadily, directing her towards the hallway and only letting go of her when she nodded and opened her eyes. He turned to Logan after watching Sage disappear through their doorway in a slight daze. "Are you happy now?" he hissed the question lowly.

"Don't be a douche," Carlos growled, startling them all with the malice he was showing. He could see how much the display had hurt Logan, who was obviously feeling like he was to blame for her anxiety yet still conflicted because he knew that the extreme reaction was the very thing he wanted Sage to get help with.

"He wanted to give it a shot, and there it was… The discussion is over. Sage gave you her answer. She's not going to see a therapist," James chimed in to defend Kendall while the boy still appeared stunned over everything that happened. Just hours ago he had everything under control, and now nothing was even remotely close to being right. He was fighting with his brothers and he had a role in making Sage upset. He wanted it all to stop.

"Maybe she won't see a therapist yet, but we're not helping by coddling her… She's scared of everything, and that's no way for her to live her life… She knew nothing but fear for so long, and now it's practically the same thing only with a different location and different people," Logan kept arguing even though it felt like he already lost, the image of a weak and shell-shocked Sage driving him to strive for some sort of shift in their routine. She shouldn't have to spend her days like that.

"We're not changing anything… I'm going to bed and I don't want to hear a fuckin' word about this tomorrow… Just drop it, okay?" Kendall looked to Logan, appearing to be on the verge of crying. He didn't wait for a response before stalking to his room, his feet dragging on the wooden floor beneath him the entire way.

Logan didn't like this at all. They never ended arguments like that. They were always supposed to work things out. He started the discussion thinking that he could get Kendall to see his point of view, but nothing good came out of it. Nothing changed except for the amount of tension in the apartment.

* * *

"I can't sleep!" Carlos moaned into his pillow, his words muffled by the fabric to the point of suffocation before he turned his head to breathe with a loud huff.

"I'm not doing much better," Logan agreed from across their shared bedroom, lying on his back and staring at the ceiling with his hands crossed over his abdomen.

"What are we supposed to do, Logie? We can't force her into anything, but we can't just sit by while everything gets even more fucked up," Carlos sighed a second time, rolling over on to his elbow to face his roommate.

"I don't know… I talked to my dad about some stuff we could try, little things we could do to help her stretch her boundaries, but Kendall's not going to let it happen. He'd kill me first," Logan grinned sleepily, death sounding lovely compared to all the stress that was happening around him.

"Maybe we could talk him into it! We kinda ambushed him before, so we could try a softer approach… or we could always lock him in a supply closet until he agrees to listen," Carlos smiled, watching Logan crack his eyes open and shift into a sitting position on his bed with his back against the wall.

"I admire your problem-solving methods, but they sound a little extreme, and I don't think it will do much good anyway… I'm not qualified to help her even if she wanted to let me," he waved a lazy hand through the air, his brain not willing to cooperate with him; both refusing to shut down and denying all attempts to figure out a solution to their problem.

"You're the smartest guy I know. You could help her, Logan," Carlos insisted determinedly, sitting up so that he mirrored his brother's position with a pillow in his lap.

"I'm just a guy, barely an adult, that called his daddy for help… I'm not a professional…" Logan argued weakly, trying to use logic to fight his instincts.

"What if she doesn't need a professional? Maybe she just needs us to do the right thing and push her sometimes. It could wor- " Carlos stopped talking when there was a knock on the door.

Logan brightened up a bit, figuring that it was Kendall coming to apologize, but what really happened was even better in the long run. It was the person that they needed support from the most.

"Come in," both he and Carlos spoke simultaneously, gasping when Sage hesitantly opened the door and stepped inside.

"Hey," she whispered breathlessly, forcing herself to stay composed despite being in a room she'd never seen before with two males. She kept thinking about who the boys were. They weren't strangers. They were friends. "Could I talk to you guys?" she squinted through the dark room, adjusting to the new surroundings as fast as her resistant body would let her.

"Yeah, of course," Logan answered for both of them, making himself stay on his bed so he didn't startle her even more. He could only imagine how uncomfortable bedrooms made her without Kendall around.

Sage nodded, chewing her bottom lip anxiously as she looked around again. She was trying to figure out what the right thing to do with her body was. She gave up the quest for normalcy and sat on the floor beside the doorway. Carlos smiled in greeting and rolled off of his bed, landing with a dull thud as he sat against his nightstand so she wasn't below him. Logan grinned, thinking it was a good idea, and followed suit; sliding gracefully onto the carpet and folding his legs beneath him.

"I heard you guys fighting a little after you asked me about seeing a therapist," Sage admitted uneasily, thinking back to everything she had listened to earlier.

"Sage…" Carlos was about to speak up and apologize, not wanting her to worry about the foursome arguing or to think that she was to blame, but Sage shook her head and kept talking.

"I wanted to take you up on your offer," she paused for a moment to look at the confused expressions on her new friends' faces, realizing that she should have phrased herself better. She continued after taking a deep breath. "Not on the therapy, but on the help… I want things to change, but I can't do it alone or I'm just going to keep letting myself get scared… Kendall means well, but he's too afraid to admit that you made a good point," she explained softly, her voice wavering with her nerves, but she was resolved to this decision.

Kendall hadn't talked to her about the topic of treatment anymore, but that was where her own mind stayed. When he fell asleep, she hurried up to Logan and Carlos' room. If she didn't have Kendall on her side at the moment, she'd need them first.

"You were right, Logan… I haven't been doing anything to help my situation, and- " Sage sounded sad, and Logan felt his determination slipping with the look on her face, so he interrupted her. He wanted to take it all back because of her depressed demeanor, not enjoying how it made his heart clench with guilt for being the one to start all of this drama.

"I'm sorry! Now I feel like a jerk… Forget I ever said anything! I'll be sick next! In fact, I'm already sensing a sore throat coming on," he coughed dramatically, grabbing at his neck in an odd attempt to erase everything that happened in the last few hours with a couple of sentences.

Carlos looked over to him with wide eyes like he had literally witnessed his friend exploding into little bits, and Sage stared at him for a few seconds before smiling.

"Where did your backbone from earlier go? We're gonna need it when we talk Kendall into changing up the routine tomorrow," Sage lowered her smile into a grin, watching Logan blush in embarrassment.

"Welcome to the dark side!" Carlos announced happily. "Don't mind Logie. He tends to be indecisive, but he usually gets his shit together when it matters the most," he smiled brightly, not worrying about the glare his friend sent him.

"Thank you, Carlos," he recovered, clearing his throat. "So what do you want to do exactly? 'Cause we need to have a game plan so Kendall doesn't try to murder me. I kinda fell out of his good graces earlier…"

Sage nodded, thinking things through for a moment.

"I don't really know what I want other than to try different things… I don't want to stay like this…" she spoke subtly, still feeling anxious about her decision; knowing that nothing was going to be easy. "I'm sorry about earlier, by the way… I just got a little freaked out… I tried getting help before, and it sorta backfired on me," she explained, feeling ashamed of how she reacted. Kendall made excuses for her, but she didn't want it to be like that. She wanted to be able to think rationally for herself like she used to.

"What made you change your mind now?" Carlos questioned her skeptically, like he was giving her multiple opportunities to respectfully back out.

"I'm scared to see what will happen if we don't do anything… I like being here with you guys all the time, but I miss being outside and enjoying it… Sometimes, I dream about being around people and _**not**_ feeling like I might throw up or pass out… I want to be normal," she sighed, picking at the hem of her shirt with one hand and holding the pendant near her heart with the other.

"Well, I can't promise that we'll get you anywhere near normal because none of us really are," Logan smirked tiredly, "but we can try, and things can get better… I really believe they can…" his mind already started wandering with all of the possibilities; of ways to help Sage acclimate to her new environment and make her even more comfortable on her own. Maybe therapy wasn't an option, but she was open to change no matter how much it frightened her, and that made Carlos and Logan's outlook brighter than it had been only a few hours ago.

Now they just needed James and Kendall to get on board.

* * *

**A/N: Seriously, listen to that song on my profile! Marinas Trench is fantastic- they make me want to write! How did you like the chapter? :) We'll see what "change" means and how Kendall and James will react to it in the next chapter :D Expect more angst and drama lol XD **

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this chapter :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I'm always grateful for any and all feedback :) See you guys next Saturday (I'm off to get ready to enjoy the new BTR tonight lol… Everyone have a Happy Mother's Day tomorrow! :)**


	35. Big Time Progress

**A/N: More arguments and an attempt at resolution for the "family" :) Let me know what you guys think! :D**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**Reading suggestion: **_Surfergal23_**'s wonderful Kendall/OC story, Hooked.**

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 35: BIG TIME PROGRESS_

* * *

Kendall woke up with sleep still clouding his mind and his eyes heavy. It was almost as if he got hit by a truck, unwilling to move his body as he blinked slowly. The frustration, the anger, and the guilt were still settled heavily in his ribcage from the night before. He hated fighting with his brothers, and he especially despised it when it was with Logan and Carlos. Something about those two could make a world-class wrestler sorry for intimidating them. Battling with James was much easier. He usually fought back with just as much vigor and malice depending on the situation and the levels of stubbornness reached, but it was always different with Carlos and Logan. They countered Kendall's obstinate and vicious attitude with understanding words and looks of sympathy. He hated those. It was mostly because, deep down, he knew they were usually right.

Shaking his head rapidly, Kendall chose to forget reason and let the annoyance take over. If he didn't, then he'd have to deal with the depression that was constantly creeping into his skull and just waiting to be released into his veins like a deadly poison. He didn't want to feel that way. It put him on a downward spiral the last time he allowed it to consume him, and Sage needed him now. She needed him to be strong, and the only way he knew how to do that was to resist anything that threw him off-guard and focus on breathing minute by minute instead.

He refused to think about the long-term future, but he wasn't aware that Sage had been thinking about that exact topic the entire night before. For once, they were on two entirely different wavelengths; something that aggravated his subconscious more than Logan ever could.

Kendall sighed, the air filling his lungs and escaping in a heavy gust that blew the fabric of the pillowcase beneath him; the silky cloth rippling subtly before stilling with the rest of the room. He turned his head away from the unused bed next to him, expecting to find Sage slumbering where she belonged on his other side, but the pillow adjacent to his was empty and the blanket was unused and flush against the ground. Kendall was suddenly very awake.

He sat up fully, his spine protesting the quick movement. He reached a hand out to help balance himself on the bed but took it back before he made contact with the furniture. It was one of Sage's greatest phobias, and he didn't want to be tainted by it. The thought was utterly irrational, but it felt as if he would be hurting her if he touched the object of her nightmares and then handled her skin with his own. He was becoming nearly as cautious as her. In fact, it was most likely that he was going out of his way to avoid certain things even more than Sage was. Kendall was creating all of the guidelines for her without knowing it, and she was following him because she lacked the ability to think of anything better to do, but that changed several hours ago. He just didn't know it yet.

Using the nightstand to pull himself up instead, Kendall spun around as soon as he was standing and observed the bedroom. The clock told him that it was the middle of the morning. Usually, he would have woken up a lot during the night because of Sage's shifting and his overly active nerves, but, after the argument with this friends, he slept deeply; not moving an inch until his eyes opened moments ago. This out of the ordinary circumstance wasn't helping him feel calm. He could practically sense a change in the air. Sage was supposed to be beside him all the time. She never got up for the day before him. Even if she awoke earlier, she always stayed nestled next to him with one of her hands innocently intertwined with his. She normally needed him in order to go out into the rest of the apartment, feeling uncomfortable by herself, but Kendall was starting to think that perhaps he needed her a little more than she did him when it came to constant closeness.

His body was shivering, an abnormal chill tingling across his forearms as he crossed them over his chest and rubbed the material of his white t-shirt against his abdomen in a lame attempt at gaining some warmth. Nothing would work except Sage, and he knew it. Kendall swallowed, his world feeling off in ways he couldn't decipher as he stole a glance at the connecting bathroom; hoping that it would hold Sage. She wasn't there either. The light was off and the door was open just like the main one to the room. It had always remained that way after Sage admitted it made her feel a bit better when she wasn't closed in while she was sleeping, and now it caused Kendall to feel apprehensive. He didn't know why, but he was sure that he wasn't going to necessarily enjoy what was beyond the open doorway this morning. The last few minutes had been anything but routine, and it was already making him jumpy.

He moved his feet quickly, his socks scuffing against the carpet until he entered the hallway and they slid smoothly across the hardwood flooring with sloppy steps as his arms remained snugly wrapped around torso. He wanted to rush to find Sage, unsure of everything but still somehow deciding that he was certain that something was wrong. He was so sure of it merely because he couldn't see her. Kendall had quietly, yet abruptly, formed anxieties and paranoia of his own after she came back to him over a week ago.

Striding shakily into the main area of 2J, he was met with a sight far less upsetting than he had anticipated. However, it still disturbed him more than he expected it to.

Carlos, Sage, and Logan were all in the kitchen. Kendall watched his girlfriend sit beside Carlos at the counter, their stools shifted a respectable distance apart but remaining adjacent along the small eating area, while Logan was on the opposite side by the fridge waving a spatula as he finished telling a story with Carlos' help. The entire trio was laughing softly, even Sage, and that should have made Kendall happy, but it only had him feeling more uneasy as he froze where he stood and kept staring.

The scene was so carefree that it had him believing that he was hallucinating, the image slinking around him like a freaky dream. Because it was different, it didn't feel like it was his own reality, and that caused him to reach a new level of worry. His entire way of thinking was out of whack. Something like this should have relieved him, seeing Sage getting more comfortable with the guys, but, after the evening he had yesterday, he couldn't help but think that she was fraternizing with the enemy. Logan and Carlos wanted to shake up the already unstable foundation he was struggling to create beneath his and Sage's feet, and that had him wanting to fight against them with every ounce of strength he possessed, but he ignored the emotion of anger and plastered on a face of indifference as he took another stride forward; brightening when Sage finally noticed him.

She smiled happily, twisting in her seat against the wall so the front of her body was a little more towards Carlos, but she didn't move any further. She wasn't jumping off of the stool and hurrying over to his side like Kendall expected and hoped for, but he could see that she wanted to. Her body squirmed in her seat, and she fidgeted with her fingers while her eyes bore into him with an anxiety he hadn't witnessed before. Now he was just plain confused.

"What's going on?" he kept his question general, but it was mainly directed towards Sage, who had given up wriggling around and settled comfortably on the stool again. She busied her hands with the meal in front of her; one clutching tightly onto an unmoving fork and the other crinkling a napkin in her fist.

"We're having breakfast. I made pancakes. You want some?" Logan spoke up for all of them, Carlos nervously grinning at Kendall before taking a large enough bite of his food so that his mouth was too occupied to even have a chance of speaking.

Other than that, things stayed oddly normal. James could be heard blow-drying his hair in the bathroom connected to the kitchen, singing a tune softly below the loud sound of the air through the door. Sage picked at her pancakes, cutting them into small pieces with the side of her fork only to nibble on a chunk every once in a while. Carlos' almost undetectable distress was nowhere to be seen as he sipped milk through a straw and tried to wipe the syrup from his fingers with a grimace. Logan stared at Kendall, his expression pleasant and calm as he waited for an answer; not looking like he was holding a grudge from their argument and doing just what Kendall asked of him by not bringing up what he had tried to make them discuss.

Kendall wasn't buying it.

Something was off.

He tilted his head, his weary eyes squinting minutely as he examined the threesome further with his arms hugging himself tighter. It was like he stepped out of his bedroom and into a weird universe that made his head spin and heart ache because Sage still wasn't jumping up to be by his side. The longer he went without touching her, the more disconcerted he became. His focus went right back onto Logan, who was continuing to wait patiently for a response. Kendall was sure that whatever was going on had something to do with him.

"No thanks," he denied the idea of food physically and verbally, unable to have an appetite when there were much more pressing needs overtaking his body.

He disregarded every negative thought plaguing him and scurried to where Sage sat, making her his entire world once again. This had him feeling like everything was okay. It was such an easy fix, but it was never permanent.

Sage gave in as well, her own resolve breaking for a moment as he moved towards her. Her fingers stopped fidgeting when he was halfway there, and she spun to see him finish closing the distance; her arms stretching out slowly to grab at his shirt before he could even touch her first. Carlos stopped chewing, staring at the couple beside him before glancing at Logan with a frown and a small shrug before shoving the pancakes around on his plate aimlessly. Logan offered an encouraging quirk of his lips, staying positive despite the slight failure of their earlier plans with Sage. She didn't miss the mark entirely. She was supposed to try her best to resist the urge to run to Kendall whenever her heart would constrict with apprehension and dread; to deny the control that the negative reactions usually had over her. She had made it all morning while her boyfriend was asleep, and she even survived a few minutes of him standing within her sights. Logan considered it an improvement.

"Mornin'," Kendall murmured into her hair, letting his lips linger on her scalp and smiling as she pressed her forehead against his chest. He kept his hands safely on her upper arms while she listened to the steady thumps of his heart; keeping her fingers clutched around the material of his shirt until she counted ten of the beats.

"Hi," she whispered unevenly, attempting to steady her breathing as she pulled away and gave him a tense smile. Kendall frowned, but she kissed it away before he could say anything and then turned back around in her seat.

Carlos dropped his fork in shock as soon as she picked hers up and resumed eating, keeping her back to Kendall and her eyes on her plate. Logan had been turning off the burner on the stove, nearly missing the handle as he reached for the frying pan to slide the last pancake onto a platter. His focus was completely on her, staring in amazement before he remembered to act like nothing was out of the ordinary. Sage wanted to try doing things on her own just to see if she could before they told Kendall what they had been planning and that she was ready for a change.

"I'm, uh, gonna go get dressed…" Kendall said to his girlfriend, gesturing weakly to the clothes he slept in even though she wasn't looking in his direction; almost like he was wordlessly begging her to put her attention back on him. Her shoulders were tense, but her hand moved slowly in steady intervals to put a piece of food into her mouth so she could chew it just as sluggishly; treating her breakfast like it was a chore to get through rather than a delicious meal.

"Okay, I love you," she turned for a second, giving Kendall a small smile that almost made him believe things were good before spinning back around to face the countertop.

"Love you," he answered immediately, his voice coming out stronger than he thought it would despite the way he seemed to have trouble inhaling and exhaling normally. He started to move back, not fully rotating away from her quite yet as his arms found their way across his chest once again.

Logan looked as if he appeared out of nowhere, standing on the other side of the counter while slowly placing a hot mug of tea in front of Sage's plate. Kendall couldn't see it, but she stared up at Logan like he was water in the desert; knowing he had easily sensed her unease and worked quickly to give her something else to focus on. He grinned faintly, his head jerking almost unnoticeably in a gesture he hoped was encouraging before he took a bite of his own food that he had abandoned long ago; not even detecting or caring about how cold it had gotten.

Carlos moved robotically beside Sage, his fork rising to shovel pancakes into his mouth on pure reflex while his eyes stayed glued sideways to watch the girl for any signs of extreme distress. It was obvious that she was close to the point of physically hurting. She was trying so hard to only want Kendall, not to feel like she actually needed him to keep breathing regardless of the way her heart constricted painfully when she regrettably pulled herself away from him. It would be so simple to just run into his arms or hold his hand and stay unhealthily attached until he had to leave for the studio, but Logan had reminded her that the easiest path to big changes was taking baby steps along the way. She had to do what was best for her sanity and learn to be okay by herself.

She couldn't keep relying on Kendall because he would indisputably be there for her every single time, and that would ruin both of their chances at normalcy together. They deserved to be a happy, loving couple without agony and sorrow coming at them from every angle in the most unpredictable times. They needed to take back the control they had possessed so long ago.

Sage audibly sighed as Kendall continued to move away reluctantly, taking unhurried paces towards their room. Carlos sighed too, his natural sympathy making him feel gloomy for his new friend. He knew she was feeling guilty for hurting Kendall and taking the first huge move for them by herself, but that also made Carlos experience a sense of pride for her because of her ability to do it at all. He could practically feel the stress rolling off of her body in waves next to him. It almost had him wanting to reach out and hold her hand to comfort her, but he kept one palm wrapped around his fork carelessly and the other pressed firmly onto the countertop between them. Sage wasn't ready to be touched by anyone else yet, so Carlos just prayed that she could feel the way he was mentally urging her to stay calm as her boyfriend disappeared completely from view.

Kendall changed as quickly as he could, tossing random articles of clothing around until he found a pair of jeans and a dark green t-shirt that reminded him of Sage's eyes. Having the colored fabric against his chilled skin relaxed him slightly, his shoulders finally slouching as he bent over to slip his feet into a pair of black Vans. He rushed back out into the open area of the apartment, almost thinking that maybe the strain that he felt earlier might have disappeared in the short period he was gone; like he had stepped into a twilight zone when he first walked out of the bedroom in the morning and this time would be different. However, when he strolled back towards the kitchen, nothing had really changed.

"You sure you're not hungry, Kendall? Logan makes awesome pancakes," Carlos broke the silence with chipper enthusiasm, striving for some regularity when the tension felt like it was going to suffocate them all.

"I'm sure," Kendall answered simply, his attitude from the night before still evident; feeling defensive and on edge about everything Logan and Carlos did as he kept his eyes on Sage.

She smiled at him again, a warm and adoring expression while she murmured a "thank you" to Logan when he took her empty plate and dumped it in the sink. Kendall slinked past the boy, grabbing a glass from the cupboard and opening the fridge. He couldn't even find it in himself to look at Sage and smile back at her. He was definitely going to freak out if he gazed at her long enough, almost imagining the way he was about to run around to the other side of the counter and hug her to ease the anxiety in his bones. So, he focused on pouring a cup of orange juice with trembling hands before uncomfortably walking over to the empty table and sitting at it by himself.

His expression was full of irritation. He had gotten so used to moving for both himself and Sage that now he couldn't decide what the appropriate thing to do was.

Sage stayed in her seat next to Carlos, tearing at an unused napkin and ripping it into tiny scraps in order to keep her occupied from rushing over to Kendall. She could hardly look at him now, knowing that he was struggling to understand what was happening and getting more agitated by the minute. The only sound in the room was Logan washing the dishes at a snail's pace, his movements unsure as the water ran while Carlos tapped a soft beat into the counter with his fingertips. Kendall sipped on his juice, pushing away the need to yell as the cold liquid slid down his throat, focusing on swallowing rather than screaming. All four of them jumped when James opened the bathroom door nearby, fully dressed and groomed for the day even though he thought it would only consist of staying in the apartment with Sage while the others went to work and school later in the afternoon.

Logan quickly went back to scrubbing at a plate, his speed picking up when he caught James staring at them out of the corner of his eye. Carlos avoided any visual contact with his friend, realizing that James could probably read him with one look, but the boy didn't need any gazes to tell him something was wrong. Sage wasn't next to Kendall, who was sitting alone across the room inspecting them all, and Carlos wasn't watching cartoons or doing something odd.

He could have cut the thick awkward atmosphere with a knife.

"What the hell is happening here?" James wondered loudly, gesturing wildly to Sage, Carlos, and Logan while staring at Kendall like he could offer an answer.

"Thank you!" he groaned in relief, slamming his glass down on the table as he exhaled heavily; grateful that someone other than him could see that things were peculiar and frustrating.

"We just ate. There's still some left if you want any," Logan cleared his throat, aiming for nonchalance as he waved a damp hand towards the plate of pancakes on the counter behind him.

"I don't want food. I want you to answer my question," James countered sharply, shoving his hands into his back pockets and rocking on his feet as he glanced around the room again; eyes landing on Kendall with a raised brow.

"He just did, James. We had breakfast... What are you up to?" Carlos interjected, donning an upbeat countenance while trying to distract his friend and avoid the confrontation they all knew was coming.

"Why aren't you with Kendall?" James ignored him altogether and stared directly at Sage, walking past a slouching Logan as the boy dried his hands off with a towel and pressed his lower back against the sink.

Sage froze, abandoning the napkin she had been destroying when she felt all eyes on her. The most important pair belonged to her boyfriend. He sat across the room, looking dejected and jittery as he waited for her to say something. James moved to stand beside him, creating a situation similar to the one they found themselves in the night before. He and Kendall were on one side of the tension while Carlos and Logan teamed up on the other, but, this time, they had Sage with them too.

She took a deep breath, nervous about starting a conversation that she knew would be upsetting for the entire group. She had to shake Kendall's world up again, which was something he wasn't preparing himself for, and that affected his brothers as well. All five of them were connected. Their personal decisions would always shape the other's lives now that they were a family.

"I was just trying something different," she found her voice, the sound ringing clear in the spacious apartment as the quiet broke apart. She moved in her seat so she could see Kendall easily, gazing beyond Carlos and towards the dining area.

"Different?" Kendall asked for clarification, spitting the word out like it tasted revolting on his tongue.

"Yeah, I was talking to Carlos and Logan before, and we decided th- "

"You fuckin' talked to her without me? I told you to drop it, and then you went behind my back and put ideas in her head!" Kendall interrupted her, turning to glare at Logan and Carlos with a fury that even made James flinch by his side as the blonde stood up and the chair scraped loudly against floor beneath it.

For him, everything started to make sense. If they had gotten to her, he could understand why she was being odd around him. He thought that maybe she was just scared more than she usually was, even denying too much close contact with him. He didn't realize that it had all been her choice.

"Kendall, calm down," Sage pleaded softly, sliding off of her stool and maneuvering around Carlos so that she stood beside him. "I talked to them myself. After you fell asleep last night, I went up to their room… I changed my mind about wanting help…" she declared nervously, absentmindedly scratching at the fresh scar on her forearm through the long sleeve of her purple shirt.

"Are you serious?" he inquired incredulously, already shaking his head. "I thought you said seeing a therapist was a bad idea. You can't handle that. It'll scare you," he insisted firmly, unashamedly trying to talk her out of it when he felt panic crawling through his system. She had her own fears of being locked up or committed because of her irrational responses, but he had latched onto those and made them his own too. He hated the concept of therapy almost as much, if not more, than she did.

"Getting professional help isn't the plan anymore," Logan informed him, unsure of what to do with the tension in his body as he moved to lean on the opposite counter so that he could see everyone better.

"The three of us had a big discussion about it all, and we thought it would be best if we started changing some things up. Sage wants to make things different," Carlos offered further explanation helpfully, hoping that his optimistic tone would transfer to Kendall, but it didn't seem to be working. He was still pissed, grinding his teeth in his friends' direction before putting his focus back towards Sage.

"We can't do anything different. You can hardly deal with what goes on now if I'm not there," Kendall argued, looking as if the thoughts were physically hurting him as he rubbed at his temple. He had just started to get settled into their basic routine, one that made him calmer since they had it, and now things were spinning out of his control.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," Sage mumbled dryly, some of her old toughness seeping through as the sense of confrontation with Kendall started to build.

"You know what I mean," he whined halfheartedly, staring at her with a sad and exasperated look that made her soften.

"I do… I know, Kendall. I just want to start making some changes around here. I want to be healthy again, and that will start when you _**all**_ go to the studio today instead of being here with me," Sage announced, attempting to come off as resolute but failing when her voice wavered; fear almost consuming her when she imagined being in the apartment with nothing but herself and her thoughts.

"No way," James piped up irritably, crossing his arms over his chest as his head moved from side to side. "I'm not gonna leave you alone. I told Kendall that I was going to stay, and that's what I'm gonna do," he stated confidently, sounding just as powerful as Sage wished she had.

He could see how desperate Kendall was from the second he stepped out of the bathroom; how much he needed a friend to be on his side so he wasn't in this by himself. When Sage said that she wanted them all to leave her, Kendall looked like he was going to hit the floor and forget how to breathe.

"He's right," Kendall nodded quickly, glancing at James with a bit of relief showing through his dread. "You can't be by yourself. No one will be here to protect you," he reminded her, watching Sage bite at her bottom lip in worry. Rather than give in like he was sure she would, Kendall saw her turn to Carlos and Logan for assistance. That riled him up even more.

"Sage doesn't need protection," Carlos claimed easily, appearing wiser than anyone tended to give him credit for.

"Or coddling…" Logan added, regretting it almost as soon as it came out of his mouth and caused Kendall to go back to pure aggravation.

"It's called compassion, Logan. It's something I _**thought**_ you understood," he fought back, acting cruel towards his brother, who visibly recoiled at the malice in his tone. Logan only eased slightly when Carlos placed a hand on his shoulder, reminding him that he wasn't on his own, and he calmed down fully when he saw Sage staring right at him.

"Logan does understand, and stop talking to him like that," she reprimanded Kendall with disappointment. His eyes moved to the floor in shame, but he didn't say anything else.

The anger was still radiating off of him, and she was finding it difficult to fully understand why he was being so stubborn.

"They're right now, and they were right yesterday too," she continued, inching toward him slowly and hesitantly reaching out to caress the back of his hand with her thumb before clasping it tightly in her own. "You're babying me, Kendall, and I know that I've never even tried to stop it. I like hiding behind you. It feels safe, but it's not good for us, especially when you're hiding along with me… I can see it… You're shutting down… Please, don't," she whispered, her eyes becoming glassy as her teeth clenched and she looked up at him.

"What do you want from me? What am I supposed to do?" he groaned, thinking that nothing he felt was right. Everything was wrong lately.

"Stop suppressing everything and give in a little. The guys are trying to help us, so let them," Sage begged him, squeezing his fingers securely and resisting the urge to hug him and stop talking.

"They don't know anything!" Kendall shouted, stepping back so that they were no longer connected. He ran a hand through his hair, gripping it as if the action could keep him grounded. Logan and Carlos frowned, while James kept a cautious stare on Kendall. "They don't get what it's like! They don't see you. They don't know how you look when you cry every night and scream _**his**_ name, thrashing around like you're gonna d-die on m-me," he faltered, his own tears starting to blur his vision before he blinked them away and focused on the rage. "They don't see the way you resist when I lean in to kiss you… It's not even something your body really does… It's in your eyes. You're so scared all of the time unless I stop it."

Kendall was making it his job to end her pain, engaging in a one-man mission when he should have relied on their new quintet as a whole to keep them all afloat. Now he was almost drowning. He chose to concentrate on her continuous fright instead of his own constant emotional struggle. Logan, Carlos, and Sage's suggestion of change jerked his world off of its axis. He dedicated each of his movements to keeping his girlfriend from being petrified, and now they were trying to push her limits. He didn't know how much more fear he could handle seeing on her face.

"Kendall has it covered. He knows what he's doing with Sage. You're just gonna mess with everything when it's already fine," James stepped in, choosing to not look at the girl in question and placing his attention on Logan and Carlos.

James appeared more stressed than any of them thought he would be over this new conflict, the young and loving couple having a big impact on him right from the start. He didn't enjoy the idea of changing something that he wanted to be perfect. Noticing the strain that the argument was putting on Kendall and Sage in just the last few minutes, he felt the need to try to end it before it got worse. He didn't want to consider what would happen if every day was like this for them; full of turmoil and controversy.

"It's not fine at all," Carlos contended while slouching in his seat, placing his arms on his thighs as he bent forward. He frowned at James, thinking it was obvious how broken everything really was.

Neither member of the couple said anything, Kendall looking to James with a hint of thankfulness in his expression and Sage fighting to search for the words that would make her tenacious boyfriend see the light.

"Kendall is enabling Sage. If he keeps it up, then he's only going to make her sicker," Logan informed James, his own frustration shining through with a scowl.

"Fuck you!" Kendall yelled, pointing right at Logan while he forced his feet to stay planted on the ground. "Stop acting like you know everything about what I'm doing."

Logan almost backed down, not wanting to be on the receiving end of Kendall's wrath anymore, but he braced himself and decided to keep going. If Sage wasn't going to give up, then he wouldn't either.

"Okay, fine. Tell me! Tell me what you're doing. How are you feeling other than stubborn right now?" Logan wondered smugly, shaking his head with a dark grin when Kendall only opened and closed his mouth like he couldn't think. "You don't even know, do you? That's what Sage is talking about when she says it's hurting both of you. You're trying to be numb again, but we know that you aren't. There's a lot going on in your head…" he added, lessening his anger and replacing it with sympathy.

"Tell us what it is… What do you think about? You're always calm with me, but I can tell that you want to say so much," Sage took over, moving closer to Kendall without making any physical contact; unsure of whether she thought he wasn't ready or if it was just her.

"I lied…" Kendall divulged, appearing guilty before setting his lips into a thin line and blinking down at Sage.

"About what?" she asked cautiously, not accustomed to him ever keeping the truth from her.

"I'm- I am mad… I'm mad all the fuckin' time," he declared with a look of irritation. Logan, James, and Carlos weren't sure what he meant, but Sage knew right away.

She thought back to their conversation only a couple of days earlier when she admitted to Kendall that she had consensual sex with Elliot. She remembered crying and feeling the panic and shame eat her alive until he comforted her. He told her that he was okay, and then he didn't bother bringing it up the next morning even though she didn't ask him not to; almost like he was pretending that it never happened at all.

"I'm sorr- " Sage started to apologize on instinct, trying to express the remorse she felt with every beat of her heart, but Kendall shook his head vigorously.

"Don't say you're sorry because it doesn't fix anything! I'm mad that you had to go through that… I'm mad that I didn't save you… I'm mad that you couldn't save yourself without doing the things you did," Kendall ranted, his voice getting louder with every phrase. He settled down after taking a deep breath, but the intensity never left his demeanor. "I look at you and think about what he did with you, and then I feel this _**rage**_; like I need to hit someone or something because I have nothing else to do… It's done, but it keeps feeling like it's just starting over and over again… Elliot didn't just rape you. He _**had**_ you…" he seethed, breathing heavier while his heart raced with agitation.

"That wasn't her fault," Carlos argued vehemently, defending Sage when he saw her cringe away from Kendall. Logan had already been striding forward to come to her defense but paused when Carlos cut him to the chase, smiling approvingly at his friend while he rolled his shoulders to alleviate the tension building in his spine.

Since it seemed to be the thing to do, Kendall didn't say anything in response when he saw James come to his rescue once again; the room remaining divided. The brunette tilted his head in thought, beginning to realize what a large part of the issue was between all of them. Everything was open-ended. There was no closure. They all just had to deal with what was thrown at them within the last year.

"The problem is that this is no one's fault, no one but Elliot, and he's fuckin' out there doing whatever he wants while we're all here suffering," he growled, his tone scathing as he glanced at the large window across the apartment; gesturing to it as if it represented the vast space Elliot occupied.

"Don't even think about it, James. We can talk about it until we're blue in the face but it's not worth the effort. Sage made her decision about what to do with Elliot already," Logan reminded him sternly, thinking back to the first day she arrived when he had supported the same idea of choice. Sage needed to choose things on her own. It was one step closer to gaining control of her life.

"Thank you, Logan," she sighed, offering him a small smile of gratitude, which he returned with a modest one of his own.

"It's so awesome that you two are best friends now," Kendall professed sarcastically, stepping back to cross his arms over his chest and lean on the table as he glared at Logan.

"Yeah, it is," Sage fought back, surprising every occupant in the room other than Kendall.

They hadn't seen the fire she used to possess yet, so it was new to them, but Kendall almost looked nostalgic; smirking and giving in slightly when she stepped towards him. Arguing with him almost felt good, nearly normal. Sage was experiencing a sense of excitement when she realized that she wanted to face something head on rather than avoid it like everything else.

"Him, Carlos, and I seem to be the only ones willing to step out of the fantasy land where everything is fine," she continued confidently, her own annoyance making an appearance, which wiped the smirk off of Kendall's face.

"And I don't even do that too often," Carlos stated sweetly, using an enthusiastic smile in an attempt to lessen the intensity in the room. Sage and Logan smiled back, but Kendall and James didn't budge at all.

"Why is it so wrong for me to try and make things alright?" Kendall asked rowdily, pushing the back of his thighs further into the table so that it shifted slightly before he calmed himself down.

Sage frowned, her anger leaving almost as soon as it came when she saw the need in his eyes. He always did whatever he could to make her life more bearable, and he succeeded and had her feeling like a happy future was possible when they met in Ramsey, but things were different now. Everything was more emotionally taxing. They couldn't handle her abuse and dark history the way they used; with escape and shelter from the source. Elliot was gone now, but he never left her memories. He was etched into her brain and body, and coping with that was very different than healing a few bruises and general anxiety.

"Kendall, I love you, and I'm so grateful that you want to keep me safe. You're the first person that ever cared… That's your best quality, giving a shit about the people around you… You feel so much, baby, but you keep trying to turn it off to make it easier on yourself… That's only making it harder," Sage told him softly, lifting a hand when she got close enough to touch his arm.

He was almost relaxed, but then he saw the way her fingers shook right before they made contact with his skin; reminding him of the constant fear she held inside of her. It's exactly what he always wanted to avoid, the feeling of helplessness and uselessness; the nagging voice in his head that kept telling him he would never have a solution to anything they were struggling through.

"Then tell me how I'm supposed to handle all of this, Sage!" he screamed, shrugging away from her out of the fear that he might break down completely. He focused on the anger rather than the sadness. If he gave into the sorrow, then he was sure he'd be hopeless. He paced towards the couch, all eyes on him while he refused to make a visual connection with any of them.

He knew she was right. He knew that Logan and Carlos made completely valid points, but he was too scared to agree with them.

Logan waited patiently at the edge of the counter, having faith that Kendall would come around like he always did after freaking out first. Carlos remained characteristically optimistic, staying seated while he watched his friend snarl and move around jerkily in the living room. James just stared, silent and still with his eyes glued to the feuding couple; a pained expression on his face that no one could fully decipher.

"After a while, you slept with Elliot by choice. You had a _**relationship**_ with him! What am I supposed to do with that? Everything is fucked for us. We deserve to have a good life, but we keep getting punished," Kendall groaned, his face flashing mixtures of fury and agony.

He was so mad at the world, and he was finally expressing it; breaking down the walls he worked hard to put up. He couldn't keep his false happy attitude anymore. His family wanted him to just be who he was; feeling however he really felt and not being who he thought they needed him to be. Kendall had buried everything inside just to become a protector so that Sage could be vulnerable while he donned an armor of steel; attempting to live up to the Knight family name.

"I think you should be angry with me. I could have done things differently… _**I'm**_ angry with me," Sage confessed, sulking as Elliot sped through her mind and tried to take over. She blinked slowly, fighting to her eyes wide open; knowing that she'd be gone if she closed them. She stared right at Kendall to keep herself grounded as she continued. "I want us to think about this logically… Logan said that there are ways for me to get used to the anxiety and not let it control me. I can practice and get comfortable with working through it by myself…" she kept pausing, speaking slowly while watching Kendall's barriers crumble in front of her for the first time in what seemed like forever. He was starting to look like himself again. "What do you think?" she inquired carefully, chewing at her lip while waiting anxiously for Kendall to talk.

"I feel like giving up," he admitted without overthinking it, exhaling heavily.

James read his connotation incorrectly; hearing words of his own past invade his mind almost as if he was listening to Christopher and Sandra discussing their possible divorce in the dead of night when he was supposed to be sound asleep in his room. Sage knew that Kendall meant he was caving and putting down his defenses, disclosing the truth instead of insisting that he was okay, but James was sure it meant the end; the end of Kendall and Sage.

"You guys are supposed to be perfect!" he whined suddenly, making the other four look at him in astonishment. He threw his hands in the air, gazing at the wood flooring beneath him with a countenance of anguish. "I can't watch this…" he mumbled, spinning around quickly to rush towards the door.

He had just witnessed his only example of "true love", something he had never let himself believe in until recently, fracturing right in front of him. In James' life, arguments and emotions like the ones Sage and Kendall were displaying always lead to the expiration of a relationship. Nothing good like love lasted, and he didn't want to stick around to witness the destruction of something he allowed himself to hold on to. He didn't think his heart could take it, and he was starting to curse himself for allowing them to pull him into caring about things like soul mates instead of staying detached from it all and living his life with only the goals of pleasure and success that he preached to the mirror daily.

"James!" Carlos called out his friend's name, scrambling out of his seat to stop him from leaving, but he froze when Sage maneuvered in front of him; cutting off his path to the door as she moved there instead.

"I'll go…" she meant to speak clearly, but it was more of a whisper. The door was left wide open when James stepped through it without looking back and turned to walk down the hallway.

"No, you- " Kendall forgot any emotion but empathetic panic, making a move to stop her only to be interrupted by Logan.

"Let her do it… See if she can," he pleaded gently, trying his best to get Kendall to understand that she needed to test herself; needed to push her own limits in order to get out of the cage she had been trapped in. Carlos blocked Kendall, not fearing the way the taller boy glared down at him menacingly. He kept his stance strong, stepping sideways whenever Kendall made a move to get past him. Perhaps if they were on the ice he could have outflanked him, but he didn't have anything on Carlos' energy now when he felt so exhausted.

Sage walked to the door and rested her hands on the wood frame. Turning back around to glance at her boyfriend, she hesitated. She wanted to hold Kendall's hand, but she could also see Carlos raising a thumb in the air for encouragement while Logan stared intently. She smiled weakly, swallowing harshly and using her grip on the doorjamb to practically force her body into the hallway. It immediately felt weird and suffocating, all of the new sensations combining to make her have the urge to run back into the apartment and sit in the corner of her bedroom until she could breathe normally again.

She kept her eyes glued to the carpet before she remembered that she had to see if she could find James. Her head snapped up, noticing him pulling open the door to the stairs violently at the end of the hallway. Keeping a palm on the wall to help balance her resistant legs, she rushed forward; picking up speed and getting to her destination before the door even shut completely.

"Wait, James!" she shouted, her voice cracking when the air meant for her lungs lodged in her throat. The walls of the stairwell felt darker and more intimidating after the door shut behind her.

James turned around abruptly, already halfway down the staircase to the lobby and now standing with his feet on two different steps as he looked at her in astonishment; believing that he had lost it and that she couldn't really be outside of the apartment.

"What are you doing?" he murmured, his hazel eyes wide as he searched the small area around them like he thought that maybe they were still in 2J and he was hallucinating.

"You, uh, ran, and this is me chasing after you…" she joked lamely, attempting a smile only to grimace as her heart did everything it could to beat out of her chest while she tugged on the sleeves of her shirt; clenching the fabric in the tight fists her hands kept making without her consent. "You're kinda killing me here, so maybe we could go b-back," she added, looking at James before tearing her eyes away to study her surroundings like knowing every detail could possibly make the anxiety disappear.

"Are you guys breaking up?" James' voice was small, wavering when he used a hand on the railing to steady himself and glance up at her gloomily; already imagining the answer for himself.

"No!" Sage actually laughed, the prospect sounding absurd enough for her to forget where she was for a second.

"Then stop fighting," he complained, begging like a child while walking back up the steps to stand on the landing with her.

"We have to argue, James. I have to stand up for what I think is right, and Kendall does too. It's who he is… You know that…" she reminded him kindly, softening when he leaned against the wall opposite of where she was standing with a tight hold on the door handle.

"Why can't you just let him keep doing what he's been doing? Why should we shake things up? It's gonna wreck us," he insisted stubbornly, rubbing his palms on the thighs of his jeans as he bent forward enough to try and relax his tense shoulders.

"It's because I want us all to be okay. I want you guys to make the band successful and graduate from school, and I just want to figure out how I'm supposed to live my life and integrate it with yours… All of this is for a reason, James… Things will get better," she claimed confidently, feeling like it was a real possibility now that her thoughts weren't just inside of her head anymore.

"They were already okay. We had a good time yesterday. You were fine," he disputed feebly, not meeting her disapproving stare. She didn't want him to keep believing the charade of their current situation being healthy for them. She needed to show him the truth.

"Grab my arm," she instructed, doing her best to hide her reluctance as she released the door handle and walked to him on trembling legs.

"What? No!" James squealed, thinking she lost her mind. She stopped in front of him, keeping a comfortable distance while remaining reachable.

"Why not?" she asked with a raised brow and a slight grin, nearly proving her point with his refusal.

James couldn't answer, realizing what she was trying to do. She was making a statement about her mental status that he didn't want to acknowledge. Things were easy when he had spent the day with her alone because he went out of his way to respect her space and avoid being too close, knowing how much she couldn't handle contact from a male that wasn't Kendall. He couldn't figure out what he was supposed to say to her in response, so he doggedly took on her challenge. Part of him thought that maybe, if she just tried to let someone else touch her, it wouldn't be as bad as she anticipated. James wanted to think that perhaps they were all overreacting.

Sage held her wrist out to him with what looked like determination. If Kendall was there, he would have been able to perceive the fear, but James couldn't read her like her boyfriend could. He hesitatingly stretched his arm towards her, his usual poise failing him as his fingers shook terribly. She stared at his hand, watching it lessen the distance between them like a missile approaching its target. The closer he got, the more her throat constricted with the need to cry.

All of a sudden, the details that had been absolutely insignificant before mattered more than anything. James was tall, he had dark hair, and he was muscularly built. He wasn't James anymore. Her head set off alarms, forcing her to think he was a threat that her instincts detected before she could actually process it. The young and friendly boy disappeared altogether, Elliot seeping into her mind to replace him.

Only his fingertips grazed her skin, and Sage sucked in a harsh breath that made her think it would be her last. Every muscle in her body tensed and relaxed at once, not able to figure out what to do with the immense panic pounding through her veins; unable to decide if she should fight or give in and take any possible pain coming her way. She chose immobility, trying to breathe deeply like Logan had advised her to when the anxiety was too much.

"Sage…" James' voice started to enter her cloudy mind.

She opened her eyes, not even realizing that they had been clenched shut until she was staring at the brick wall in front of her with blurred vision and she fell forward to rest her palm against the rough surface.

"You good?" he asked worriedly, breathing almost as heavily as she was. She turned to where he was standing, noticing for the first time that he wasn't in front of her anymore. He was back near the door, having made a huge gap between them as soon as Sage buckled before him.

"N-No… and I don't want to be like this," she gestured to her body, which she was sure looked just as disgruntled as she felt. Her chest heaved with every inhale and exhale and her eyes stung with unshed tears while she blinked and turned to lean her back against the wall. "That's why we need to let Logan help me. That's why I want things to change… That's why I want us to go home now and get Kendall on board with the plan," she panted loudly, her body still coming down from the rush of irrational dread as she glanced up at James with a small smile; happy to see him and not Elliot.

"Ugh! You play so unfair," he groaned, fully understanding her demonstration. After feeling like he was responsible for seeing her so upset, and that it could happen again randomly, he was more than ready to let her implement some changes. "Let's go," he sighed as he grabbed the doorknob and held it wide open for her.

She passed him cautiously, her frame still recoiling away from him automatically while her heart returned to beating at a normal rhythm. As soon as she was in the hallway and walking back towards the safety of 2J with James following at a proper distance beside her, she felt like she could be calm again.

"Carlos, I swear to god I'm gonna punch you," Kendall growled from inside of the apartment as he pushed against his friend, who was blocking the doorway with his body; hands and feet outstretched to connect with the structure at four points.

"That's fine, but you're still not getting by me," the boy shook his head, his trusty helmet strapped on securely. Kendall huffed and grabbed for him only to be pulled back by Logan's arms worming their way around his waist.

"Chill out, man. You can't melt down and go all hulk on us every time you can't see her… You're gonna have to get used to it," he grumbled, struggling with a squirming Kendall as he tugged the strong boy away from Carlos. The blonde had been agitated within the first thirty seconds of Sage leaving the apartment without him, and he hadn't stopped trying to get out ever since.

"We're back," James announced awkwardly, scrunching his face in a small amount of amusement as he watched Logan battle Kendall. He put a hand on Carlos' shoulder, smiling when his friend all but collapsed as he released his death grip on the doorframe and shook out his limbs.

"Are you okay?" Kendall shoved Logan away from him, his anger vanishing when he saw Sage follow James into the apartment. His eyes scanned her for any differences, his hands hovering near her as if he was deciding whether or not to make contact. She nodded slowly, only stepping into him and interlocking their fingers when James shut and locked the door behind her.

"I'm fine," she told him, squeezing his hand and taking in her familiar surroundings with relief.

"You're shaking," Kendall argued, making her see that she was in fact shuddering beyond her control. It was mostly just her arm connected to Kendall, the one that James' fingertips had grazed moments ago.

"I- James touched me," she admitted, going with her new policy of honesty full force even though she was pretty sure that Kendall didn't like what he heard. The way his mouth dropped open and his eyebrows lifted into his bangs were the evidence she didn't even need for confirmation.

"Excuse me?" he spun around to his friend, rushing over in an attempt to throttle him, but Sage stopped him before he got far; her hold on Kendall remaining tight and refusing to break.

"I had him touch my arm to prove a point," she informed him delicately, compelling him to turn away from a fearful looking James and focus on her instead. Kendall was searching her face for understanding, wondering why she'd invite pain into her life.

"She's in really bad shape, Kendall," James told him sadly, making him instantly know what her intention had been. She was opening James' eyes. Now he was the only one left. It was four against one, and Kendall didn't even believe in his own side of the argument anymore. He probably never really did. "It might be even worse than when she got here… You need to let Logan help her… Let all of us help her…"

They all expected yelling, waiting for him to fight them like he had been for a long time, but he only thought for a moment before speaking.

"Let's talk about it," he glanced at Logan tentatively, expecting a snappy comeback or something sarcastic, but he was only met with a genuinely relieved smile. Carlos pumped his fist in the air, while James held up a finger.

"Family meeting!" he declared animatedly, strolling over to the table with Carlos. They both sat down, James on the end with Carlos positioned diagonally near him.

"What's that?" Sage inquired, finding their enthusiasm humorous.

"It's where we all cry and yell until things are solved," James explained simply, shrugging while Carlos nodded.

"Then what were we just doing?" she chuckled, thinking that the description perfectly captured the entire morning.

"The same thing, except, this time, we sit," Carlos added, wiggling in the chair for emphasis.

"It's more official," James offered, keeping the mood light.

"And usually less violent," Logan joined in, settling down beside Carlos on the side of the table closest to the kitchen.

Kendall smiled at his friends as he pulled Sage to the other end of the table, settling across from James while she situated herself in front of Logan.

"So, what's the plan that you guys concocted last night while I was asleep?" he sighed, focusing on Sage, Logan, and Carlos while he waited; his hand laced with his girlfriend's on the tabletop. He almost felt the need to yawn and go back to sleep, the day hardly starting before it exhausted him.

"You're done fighting us?" Carlos questioned skeptically, pulling his hockey helmet off of his head and laying it down on the table in front of him with his palms resting on the black surface.

"If this is what Sage really wants, I give in, okay? I'm just not sure how to be happy about it…" he trailed off, bringing his eyes to hers. "I don't like seeing you upset, and I wish- " he stopped again. He tried to gather his thoughts, staring at his lap before focusing on Sage once more. "I wanted to be enough for you…"

From the second she walked back into his life more severely damaged than ever, Kendall wanted to be able to cure her just by being there like he used to do. It had been enough for both of them in the past. In some ways, it was much easier to deal with a crazed and violent Elliot back then. She knew how to handle being hit every few days as long as it was followed by being home with Kendall. Sage almost wished that they had that again; where everything was physically taxing with Elliot and mentally comforting with Kendall. It used to be two separate things, but it was all jumbled now.

"Kendall," Sage smiled tiredly, lifting her free hand to caress his cheek for a calming moment. "You're everything… You _**always**_ were…"

He nodded in understanding, knowing that she was referring to the relationship she had developed with Elliot and that it was never as real as what she and Kendall possessed. What they had was pure and special, nearly magical in its origins. What she had with Elliot was tainted and forced through a series of events that were out of her control.

"Did you really screw him willingly?" James asked abruptly, his tone gentle despite the words he used to address Elliot. They were all catching onto Kendall and Sage's hidden meanings in their discussions, and none of them had missed the information about her sleeping with her stepfather consensually in Kendall's earlier outbursts.

Carlos kicked James' shin beneath the table for his lack of tact, causing the boy to wince and hiss at the sharp pain that stuck with him even after the Latino's foot was gone, but Sage didn't seem to notice. She was lost in thought, watching intently as Kendall's thumb traced her knuckles in a soothing gesture; most likely endeavoring to keep both her and himself at ease when the subject of their nightmares was brought up.

"So much happened with Elliot that I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to wrap my head around it… Everything was deeper with him than we thought. He was so _**human**_ after acting like a monster for years, and it gave me whiplash… I was there, but I don't even understand it all the time, you know?" she bit at the inside of her cheek, hoping that she was making sense when nothing ever seemed to when it came to Elliot.

"Stockholm syndrome," Logan commented thoughtfully, the sound nearly a whisper. Kendall tensed but didn't fight. Logan had only said what he had feared for a while now. "You cared about Elliot, didn't you?" he asked further, keeping his expression as easygoing as possible.

"Uh… y-yes… I didn't want to though," Sage answered, tilting her chin down to her chest in shame while twirling the pendant on her neck; something she found calming when she got slightly anxious. "He did everything to make me hate him, but somehow he crawled into my head and made me give a crap… I resisted for a really long time," she told them firmly, tears escaping her eyes to slide down her cheeks. "Once he told me the truth about everything with my mom and his feelings, things just got kind of normal. It became my job to decide what happened next. He gave me a lot of control and just waited as patiently as he could for me to make a move," she explained, the sentences spilling from her mouth faster than she thought them through; opening up fully without holding back.

"What's the truth about your mom?" Kendall caught on immediately, causing Sage to snap her head up and stare at him in shock.

She didn't realize she had mentioned it before it was too late. She worked hard to avoid the topic of Julia, succeeding surprisingly well due to the fact that she felt a sense of closure already; like knowing that her mother didn't choose to leave her put her at peace with her death. The initial admission from Elliot had stunned her, but that only lasted for a short time. The next reaction from her was fury coupled with comprehension and a small amount of relief. She had gotten the answers that she had wanted about Julia for so long, so she put it behind her. What was happening in the present had been much more vital than things about the past she couldn't change.

"What is it?" Kendall asked again, sucking in a shaky breath as he studied her conflicted expression.

"She didn't slit her own wrists… When she tried to take me away from him, Elliot panicked and killed her," she confessed quietly, squeezing Kendall's hand tighter.

He looked as if he was going to jump out of his chair and scream, losing the levelheadedness that he had only recently accomplished, but he remained seated. His head moved randomly from side to side while his legs shifted restlessly before he ground his teeth together.

"Of course he did," he smiled darkly, taking comfort in the way Sage gripped his hand so tightly that it nearly hurt. He couldn't find it in himself to be surprised. To him, homicide sounded like it was right up Elliot's alley.

"He murdered your mom?" Carlos inquired in astonishment, his eyebrows knitting together. "He married her…" he mumbled, thinking that the fact would be enough to make it impossible for Elliot to kill Julia; like it meant he should have loved her fully if he put a ring on her finger.

"It was always me… That's what he said… He told me that he fell in love with me at first sight when he met her. I was just a kid, only about Katie's age," Sage clarified miserably, thinking about the time Elliot had told her his story.

"He's fuckin' sick," James spat, scowling in disgust; hating the stranger even more than he thought possible now.

"I know, and I told him that, but he'd been working for years to build a life that involved me. He waited for me to be old enough to pursue, keeping me in line with abuse so I had no one else to turn to except him, but then Kendall came to town…" Sage started sadly, but then she looked amused when she glanced back at her boyfriend, "You ruffled his feathers," she smirked, and Kendall rolled his eyes.

"You were the competition," Logan deducted, staring over to Kendall incredulously. He didn't know Elliot personally, but Logan used his brain to easily put things together as Sage revealed them. She nodded in confirmation.

"When you moved to town, his entire game changed. He tried his best to get you to leave, and it worked," she frowned slightly, giving Kendall's hand another squeeze.

Sage knew that she was instrumental in the Knights' departure from North Dakota, but she never would have insisted if Elliot hadn't beaten Kendall on his birthday. He had crossed a line that should have sent up warning signals for them as soon as it happened. Elliot was very rarely violent with people other than his stepdaughter unless his job as a police officer required it. Kendall made him almost break the character he showed the public of Ramsey. Luckily for him, his colleagues were effortlessly convinced that Kendall was a danger to Sage, someone that they all cared about because of her relation to Elliot.

"I learned a lot about him in the last year," Sage continued distantly, her tears drying up as her mind wandered. "He was the only person I talked to every day, the only one who could take care of me… I initiated sex with him and told him that I loved him. That's when he started to trust me and believe that I was _**choosing**_ to stay with him… It was easy to get into his head after a while."

"But he got into yours too," Logan reminded her sternly, making her snap out of her woeful daze. "What you feel for him, the conflict inside of you, isn't your fault Sage. You have to remember that. Remind yourself every day that you survived," he told her, leaning forward on the table in earnest; wanting her to listen carefully. She had enough problems with her anxiety and fright. She didn't need guilt plaguing her too.

"Maybe I could have escaped sooner, or tried harder… I made mistakes…" Sage fought quietly, her eyes threatening to lose focus again.

"But they led you here, and that's all that counts," he informed her with certainty.

"Yeah," Carlos interjected for support, his smile attempting to brighten the room, "You're with us and Elliot is wherever he is. It doesn't matter as long as it's not near you."

"We'll focus on us, okay? Not him… We'll only discuss it if you want to," Kendall assured her sweetly, bringing his unused hand up to rest over their entwined ones as Sage nodded, "but make sure that you actually tell me if you want to talk. Don't pretend that you don't think about it. Don't ignore it," he instructed her calmly, his voice soothing and unwavering as she smiled at him.

"What a quick learner," James teased lightly, commenting on Kendall's ability to adapt to their new active style of coping. It was amazing how fast he recovered from his earlier frenzy of emotions when Sage needed him to. He had just required a push in the right direction, and now things were looking up for all of them.

"But Kendall is right… finally…" Logan took his own jab, wearing a lopsided smirk and dodging the fist that the blonde tried to strike his arm with. "Seriously, though. What he said is important to the plan," he recovered from the attempted blow, straightening back up in his chair.

"What is the plan exactly?" James queried, leaning back in his seat so that only two of the legs held his weight as he rocked.

"Logan's still working on it," Carlos told him nonchalantly, making Logan feel the need to cut in before anyone worried.

"But it's coming together," he reassured them all. "We kinda have to handle some things day by day, but, to start, we've got to be honest with each other… and I'm not just talking about telling the truth. I mean we have to actually go out of our way to speak it. We have to open up… Kendall is the perfect example of what not to do. He was a total ass to me because he amped up his defense mechanisms. He used denial and displacement to- "

"Smaller words, Logie," James interrupted the brainiac with an amused expression.

"Please…" Carlos added quickly, his head spinning as he scratched it; attempting to keep up with Logan, who had been gesturing matter-of-factly and entering what they liked to call his "smart mode".

Sage smiled while Kendall snickered.

"Oh, uh…" Logan thought, forming the appropriate words in his mind before speaking, "… Kendall insisted that nothing was wrong even though it clearly was, and he took all of his shit with Sage out on me because I was a more acceptable target."

"Not cool," James scolded Kendall playfully, still swaying back and forth on his chair as he tried to keep the blame focused on his friend rather than the role he had taken in it all. Logan continued with a grin, sensing what the brunette had been trying to do.

"And James was enabling Kendall, which only helped Kendall enable Sage," he explained further.

"Not cool," Kendall mocked James, his voice raising a few pitches.

"Can you continue, Logan?" Sage asked him nicely, biting back a laugh as she watched Kendall and James make faces at each other. It made her happy to see Kendall being himself again. Things felt like they had a chance at getting back to normal. Logan appeared to enjoy it too, smiling at his friends until they settled down so he could keep going.

"So, I'm nowhere near being a professional, and I'd never ever recommend doing this in any other situation because of how ethically flawed it is, but I want to start our own form of therapy soon. I've done all the research and compiled some useful techniques we could try out that'll help you cope with the anxiety… You have to face it all head on, though… Avoidance will ruin everything. It's going to be hard, and you'll have to test yourself constantly," Logan softened slightly, the atmosphere growing serious again.

"What does that mean?" Kendall asked, swallowing thickly with apprehension.

"It means that she's going to learn how to make physical contact with others without having a complete melt down," Logan informed him, his tone cautionary when he wasn't sure what reaction he'd get.

Sage had already agreed to the idea the night before, so she was accepting of it, but Kendall looked perturbed by the plan now. He didn't want to fight anymore though. He bit his tongue and ignored the irritation building inside of him.

"We'll deal with everything as it comes, I guess."

Logan considered the lack of yelling a win on his part, sensing the annoyance but choosing to let it slide. He expected Kendall to be a problem because of his protectiveness over Sage, but he was on board with change now, and that's all they could ask for.

"I can do it if you believe in me, Kendall… I may not want to depend on you all the time, but I still need you," Sage swore earnestly, slipping out of her seat to hug him slowly; hesitating at the large amount of contact before holding her breath and doing it anyway. She wanted it too much to let the panic have her.

"I'll be here," he smiled into her hair, keeping his hands on her hips and letting her lead them in the embrace. He placed a gentle kiss to her cheek as he pulled back, happy to see her unharmed by the hug.

"Family meeting over?" Carlos asked energetically, hopping up from his chair without even waiting for an answer. "I'm starving."

"You just ate like ten pancakes," Sage giggled at the boy, who merely shrugged in response.

"Fights make me hungry. It's tough work getting in between these two," he tilted his head to Kendall and Logan before skipping towards the fridge to rummage around.

"Sorry about being an asshole, Logie," Kendall sighed, watching the brunette stand before pulling him into a tight hug. "I was just scared," he added solemnly, squeezing the boy's shoulder as Logan patted his back.

"I know, buddy. That's why I never hit you," he smirked, shoving Kendall away playfully.

"Like you could take me," Kendall teased back, ruffling his friend's hair before faking a punch to his side. They laughed easily, no tension remaining between the once heavily feuding pair.

"See? The family meetings totally work," James whispered to Sage after biting into an apple, not caring that he spoke loud enough for everyone to hear.

She nodded happily, pleased with the idea of family. It's exactly what she needed, people who cared about her without manipulation. Something in her heart, a dark spot Elliot had branded onto it, tried to make her not trust Carlos, James, and Logan simply because they weren't Kendall, but she refused to listen. She let herself relax, making her own choice to completely accept three new people into her life. Every bit of support mattered, and being an unbreakable group of five would only make each of them stronger in the end.

* * *

"Baby sister, I love you, but it's been a really long day… Can we talk tomorrow?" Kendall slouched at his desk, his weary eyes staring at the laptop in front of him showing Katie in her room back in Sherwood.

After the eventful morning they all had, Kendall bargained with Logan to let James stay with Sage and take another sick day to let them adjust to the idea. He wasn't ready for her to be without any extra security. His mind had only recently wrapped around the plans for change, so everyone easily gave in when Kendall begged them in desperation; only agreeing to go to the studio himself once he was sure that James was going to stay home for the afternoon. As soon as they were done with work and school, the boys went back to the apartment, and Kendall stayed by Sage's side all evening; preparing for the inevitability of leaving her by herself. The last time he did that, she ended up missing from his life for a year and going through hell. The fear of something else happening made him sick to his stomach.

He had been checking his email in the bedroom, taking a small break from being with Sage while she showered, when a request for a chat from Katie popped up. Unable to just ignore his sister, he had opened it immediately but had no intentions of sticking around. The makeshift bed on the floor was calling to him, but he wasn't sure he'd get to rest like he wanted to when the webcam showed his sister glaring at him with her arms crossed; making him wonder what he managed to do to irritate her from halfway across the country.

"I heard Mom talking to David about Sage earlier… You all lied to me," she scowled, huffing as she waited for him to stammer out a reply.

Kendall immediately knew exactly what she was referring to, but he was hoping for the best and thinking that maybe Karen and David weren't discussing what he feared they were.

"It's not a big deal," he told her, sounding weaker than he meant to.

"Mom said she was raped. That's a big deal," Katie fired back, struggling to keep her volume low. He assumed his mother wasn't too far out of earshot.

"Katie…" he started to shake his head.

"No, Kendall. I'm twelve, not four. I know what that means, and I can't believe you kept something like this from me," she looked hurt, her small body slouching in the frame on the computer screen.

"I did it to protect you," he insisted lamely, knowing that there was more to it.

"You mean you did it so you'd be able to keep control. The last time you were 'protecting me', you ignored me and Mom for months," she argued, making air quotations with her fingers and remaining angry. Kendall glanced down at the desk in front of him guiltily, pulling at the drawstring on his sweatpants after sneaking a peak at the bathroom door to make sure Sage wasn't going to appear any minute. "Oh, my god! You're doing it again, aren't you? You're being an asshole over there," Katie read him like a children's book. He flinched at her words, not even bothering to reprimand her for her crude language.

"Yes, I was… sorta… maybe…"

"What happened?" his sister softened, examining how upset and tired he appeared.

"I was trying to be there for Sage, but I was probably hurting her more than I was helping… She has some serious problems, Katie… Logan's gonna try to do what he can to help her. Don't worry, he already told me how stupid I was being," he grinned slightly, happy to see her give one back.

"I always liked him the most," she declared, settling into her chair and bringing one leg up towards her chest.

"I thought you liked James the most," he teased her, laughing at the way her eyes widened.

James continuously claimed that the littlest Knight had a crush on him. Kendall had no idea if it was true or not, but, then again, he didn't put much weight on James' word. The boy was pretty adamant that every female on the earth had a thing for him.

"I do not have a crush on James!" she yelled loudly, before shifting forward and lowering her voice. "Has he been saying that I do again? I swear, if I ever hear that he said it, I'm gonna fly out there and shave his head," she uttered crossly, making Kendall chuckle.

"I'll be sure to let him know… So, how's school?" he asked awkwardly, praying that he had successfully gotten her mind off of Sage with the jokes about James and the new question.

"Over until the fall. You know that… Stop trying to change the subject," Katie shook her head in disappointment, always a bit let down by how terrible her brother was at lying to her. It's like he learned nothing from their years together. "What are we gonna do about Elliot? Mom told David that he wasn't in jail," she leaned into the screen and plastered a look on her face that clearly showed him that she wanted to meddle and scheme.

"That's how Sage wants it," Kendall proclaimed firmly, glancing behind him again to still see the bathroom door shut as the water ran in the shower.

"The bastard really must have screwed with her head. She used to be smart," she growled, fidgeting with the bracelets on her wrist in agitation.

"Easy, Katie…" he spoke softly, already sensing the familiar fury; thinking it must have been what he looked like earlier.

"No way! Elliot has to pay for what he did. Tell me you have an idea…" she pleaded, leaning impossibly closer to the computer as she readied herself for a strategy, but she only got a shake of her brother's head in return.

"Believe me, I've got a lot of ideas," he said bitterly, imagining all of the violent and vengeful things he wanted to do to Sage's stepfather before calming himself down with a deep breath, "but we're not going to do anything to Elliot. It's Sage's decision."

"This is stupid," Katie grumbled, resigning to defeat as she pouted and crossed her arms.

"I know it's hard… You and me, we like plans. We always want to solve problems, but there's no easy solution now. It's going to just take time," Kendall voiced the lesson he had learned that day, taking another longing look at the closed bathroom door.

"What am I supposed to do?" Katie looked about as helpless as he felt.

"Nothing. Sage wouldn't want you to do anything other than worry about summer camp and your friends… Promise me you won't do anything crazy. Leave it alone, okay? Trust us," he ordered her gently, waiting for confirmation with a raised brow.

"Fine, I promise… I don't like it, but I promise…" she groaned, tugging at her ponytail with slim fingers.

"I know how you feel, baby sister," he sighed, grinning at her. He jumped suddenly when he heard the water in the bathroom stop running, the noises coming from the sink and the familiar clattering of Sage's toothbrush filling the room instead. "I gotta go, Katie. I'll call you tomorrow. Just be good. I love you," his hand hovered over the laptop, waiting to shut it as he watched his sibling nod reluctantly.

"I love you too."

Kendall closed the computer, sighing deeply and running a hand over his face. The day felt like it was never going to end, and he only felt a little better when the bathroom door opened and Sage emerged. Her hair was damp, the usually light blonde now dark with moisture, and she wore an old shirt of his and a pair of shorts for bed. She smiled when she saw him, checking to make sure the main door to the bedroom was still open like she preferred it before settling down on the floor in the mound of blankets they had.

"Were you talking in here?" she wondered, staring up at Kendall while he lifted himself off of the chair and walked over to lie down beside her.

"Katie and I were chatting… She overheard Mom talking, and now she knows about Elliot," he informed her miserably, fluffing his pillow with a solid punch to vent his frustration.

"How much?" Sage mumbled, still sitting up with her legs folded; not bothering to settle into bed yet.

"Just the basics; that you weren't in foster care like we told her," he assured her quickly, knowing she would hate it if Katie knew any of the nauseatingly twisted details. "She'll be okay. She's just worried about you like I am," he grinned, reaching out to rub her tense shoulder.

"Are you ever going to stop worrying about me?" she asked jokingly, her voice slightly shaking as she tried to forget about innocent Katie being concerned with things she should never have to know. There was nothing they could do about it now.

"Not a chance," he fell backwards onto his pillow, staring up at the ceiling for a minute and expecting her to do the same, but she remained upright. Her eyes were on the floor in front of her and her hands rested limply in her lap. "What's going on in that head of yours?"

"Will you help me conquer the bed? I want to lay with you like we used to…" she spun to face him, biting her lip in anticipation while struggling not to look at the furniture she mentioned behind him. Just the sight of it had her stomach in knots and her spine tingling.

"Now?" he inquired, trying to keep the hopeful quality out of his tone. He knew that they weren't getting on the bed anytime in the near future.

After their initial embrace when they reunited, that much contact had become very rare, and it was completely nonexistent in the bedroom when they rested beside each other. Every time he tried, she would start to hyperventilate and stiffen beneath his arm, so he stopped attempting it at all. The mere idea of intimacy like that had her shaking. Deep down, there was an intense need to make love to Kendall or to at least cuddle against him as they slept, but the anxiety always won over everything else. It was going to take a while for her to get to the point where they could act like a loving couple in the bedroom again, and she and Kendall were going to have to test those limits on their own as time went on.

"Not tonight, but sometime soon… We can try, right?" she asked nervously, hating the thought that she would most likely disappoint him. There was no way that things were going to run smoothly when they started "therapy". Trial and error would be their way of life.

"I'll do whatever you need me to do," he reminded her, shuffling onto his side as she finally let her back hit the floor and her head rest on the pillow.

He lifted a blanket onto them, tucking it over her shoulder as they stared at each other in the dimly lit room. She didn't move at all when he took her hand and held it up to drop a kiss onto her wrist, his lips grazing the scar on her forearm.

"I'll miss you tomorrow… Are you sure you don't want me or James to stay again? Or maybe you could go to the studio," Kendall offered abruptly, the view he had of her abused body making his heart beat faster with unease. Sage shook her head, her slightly damp hair sticking to the pillow as she turned to look at him fully.

"I'll be alright here… Besides, Logan said to start slow, so I don't think traveling to work with you is a good idea. I almost passed out in the hallway with James today," she attempted a smile, but it didn't fool him.

Kendall frowned, holding his hand out for her to take, which she did without hesitation. With the simple contact, they both visibly relaxed more. He didn't know how he ever lived without it.

"You're really brave… I'm proud of you…"

He spoke volumes. It wasn't just about today with their argument or her choice to engage in therapy with Logan. It was everything, even making it through the ordeal with Elliot and remaining strong enough to fight for a good life instead of giving in. He couldn't imagine doing the same for himself in her situation. Not everyone could survive something like that and walk away with a positive outlook.

"Let's see how tomorrow goes, and then you can tell me how proud you are," Sage sounded as if she didn't believe she'd do well, already wishing that the earth would rotate slower so that she could have more time with Kendall before she would be alone.

"It'll still be the same… probably even a little more," he smirked, and brushed a strand of hair away from her face.

"Thank you," she whispered, shutting her eyes and leaning into where his fingers touched her skin.

"Anytime."

He nestled down into his pillow, spinning to lie on his stomach when she did. Their bodies were so close, yet they weren't touching except for their arms. The limbs were flush against each other between their heads; all skin from the elbow to the tips of their fingers connected as they drifted off to sleep. Both of them silently appealed to any god they could think of to allow them a nightmare-free slumber, hoping that this night would be the start of a new way of life; only allowing each day to be better than the next.

Moving backwards or staying stagnant weren't options anymore. The only choice they had now was to keep going forward, no matter what new obstacles waited for them, and, with their luck, there would undoubtedly be too many to count.

* * *

**A/N: So, the ending was ALMOST fully optimistic :P Everything is always bittersweet and angsty now- and I live for it lol :D But there WILL be happy moments too… We'll see more of CAMILLE next chapter :D I'm excited for the plans I have for her in this story ;)**

*******If anybody wants to know, I finally got a tumblr. My URL on there is "waterwicca" also :) (Link on my profile too :) I'll mostly be blogging about PTS and BTR, with an occasional preview or hint about the chapter throughout the week if I plan that far ahead lol ********

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this chapter :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I'm always grateful for any and all feedback :) **


	36. Big Time Therapy

**A/N: This was posted WAY later than I intended, but… moving on lol… I personally enjoyed writing this chapter :) I like Camille… and angsty therapy ;P  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**Check out: **_Surfergal23_**'s amazing Kendall/OC story, Hooked.**

********Also, there is a new, VERY amazing story starting here called, Something to Sleep to by **_so-complicated_** :) It is a Kendall/OC… maybe… YOU'LL SEE! I promise that you won't be disappointed if you go read it! :) Just trust me when I say that it will be full of surprises, angst, drama and EPICNESS ;) (Plus, the author is probably one of the most lovely ladies I've ever had the pleasure of meeting through fanfic :D)*******

**On with PTS! :D Please, enjoy and review :) **

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 36: BIG TIME THERAPY_

* * *

"You're gonna miss me, right?" James asked Sage smugly, watching her doodle in a notebook at the kitchen counter. She sat next to Kendall, trying to get as many moments as possible together before she would be all alone in only an hour. "She's gonna miss me the most," he added confidently. His features were sly and playful as he ignored Kendall's halfhearted glare.

"Yes, James. You dominate my every thought," Sage looked up with a grin, her drawings of random strings of musical notes coming to a standstill so that she could give him the attention he was seeking. Just as she expected, he wore a brilliant smile and performed a small dance as he smacked Logan in the side with a dishtowel. They just finished washing the pans that Sage and Kendall had used to cook them all breakfast.

"Finally, someone admits it!" he cheered, tossing his hands into the air along with the towel as he turned away; causing a disgruntled Logan to sigh as he picked it up off of the floor.

"Don't do that," he complained to Sage, a slight warning in his tone as he spun to face her with his hands on the edge of the wet sink. "His ego is already about to burst," he added dryly as he shook his head and wiped down the faucet.

"But it makes him happy," Sage argued with a pout, her voice light and airy as if she could convince Logan that she was right.

"While the rest of us suffer," he responded immediately, pivoting on his heels with a smirk as he gestured behind him towards the bathroom; already knowing James was in one of his moods that lead to him being goofily inconsiderate.

Carlos was standing at the small counter in the restroom. He had recently finished flossing his teeth and was now gargling mouthwash to fight off cavities after pouring syrup over every bit of his meal. The door was wide open, and James took that as an invitation to stroll in like he owned the place. He shoved the shorter boy aside carelessly, not even blinking twice before swiping his dark hair around and studying his reflection in the mirror with a satisfied yet focused expression. He had to be sure that he looked absolutely perfect after not showing up at the studio or around town for a couple of days. James usually ran his life on the thought that he could bump into his next hottest one night stand during any second of any day. With his motto of always being prepared, Logan usually called him a perverted boy scout.

Having been right in the middle of swishing the mouthwash between his teeth when he was pushed, Carlos coughed violently; choking and spitting the turquoise liquid into the bathtub as he struggled to catch his breath. He lifted himself up and hurried towards the open door with a humorously panicked expression, gripping the doorframe tightly with wide eyes and shiny lips.

"I think I swallowed some!" he yelled, lowering one of his palms to rub at his stomach before staring at Logan in fear. "Is that bad?" his voice rose even higher in volume and pitch, his hand smoothing even harder over his abdomen as if he thought the cleansing liquid was going to eat away at his insides.

Logan only rolled his eyes, not giving an answer as Carlos wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his lavender hoodie.

"The novelty of humoring him will wear off," Kendall commented on James easily, unfazed by Carlos' melt down. The boy was still clearing his throat while hurrying over to the sink in the kitchen, gently moving Logan aside so that he could rinse off his lips.

"I don't know… It's kind of entertaining," Sage admitted, placing her pen on the counter in favor of staring at James with a studious expression.

She found his need for attention and dramatics amusing because she had seen how calm and warm he could really be in their time together. When he was like this, it was almost as if she had a front row seat at a comedic play. However, sometimes she had to agree that she could see the possibility of it ending in a tragedy.

"Whatever you say," Kendall chuckled and put his focus back on the task he was trying to complete.

He had spent the majority of the morning with Sage doing nothing except hold hands, but he switched gears and redirected half of his attention to programming her phone quickly before they would have to leave. He picked one up during the lunch break Gustavo had given them yesterday so that she'd have it for emergencies while she was by herself. Using his as a comparison, he added every number he could think of to her contact list; including all of the boys, Gustavo, Kelly, Karen, Katie, and even David. Now that he was leaving her alone, there was no such thing as being overly cautious.

"No, really, Logan. Am I gonna be sick? I'm gonna get sick!" Carlos whined, stamping his foot and shrugging out of his hoodie to toss it aside onto the table because of the nice blue stain on the sleeve.

"Stop thinking it or it's going to happen, Carlitos," Logan scolded him lightly, reaching over to the cabinet above his head to grab a glass and fill it with water from the sink. "Drink this and calm down," he ordered Carlos while watching him chug the liquid, finding it funny that his friend didn't take any of his worries out on James even though it was his fault that the Latino was watching his life flash before his eyes. "If you're finished panicking, and if James is done fixing his hair for the tenth time, I'd like to discuss Sage's therapy now," he redirected the topic of conversation.

Sage nodded slowly, picking up her pen and clicking it anxiously while Kendall bit his lip and finished adjusting the settings on her new phone. He had wanted to avoid the inevitable discussion for as long as possible. If they actually started it all, then it would feel too real, but he promised Sage and his brothers that he'd do his best to cooperate.

"Let's go, James!" Carlos shouted to the boy at the mirror, only waiting a second to make sure he was going to do as he was told before strolling into the living room. Tucking the cell phone into his pocket, Kendall slipped out of his stool and took Sage's hand to follow. "Dr. Mitchell has the floor," Carlos announced theatrically and then leaned in to whisper to Logan quietly. "There's gonna be lollipops, right? All the best doctors give lollipops to the patients when they're done," he informed him giddily. Logan glared at him, tilting his head as if he was deciphering whether or not the odd boy was serious.

"Carlos, sit down," he ordered him with a sigh, pointing to the couch. Carlos grumbled and saluted without putting up a fight. He took a step on top of the coffee table, rather than choosing to walk around it, so that he could hop onto the length of the L-shaped sofa that Sage and Kendall weren't occupying. He settled close to the corner beside his blonde friend, leaving room for James on his right while Logan chose to drag one of the kitchen stools over and sit in front of them all beneath the blank television.

"Okay, so the plan I've put together is going to utilize the cognitive behavioral approach to therapy," Logan started with poise, sitting up straight on the stool with his voice taking on an educational edge. Those characteristics deflated when he saw Carlos literally scratching his head and James smiling uncomfortably, his eyes squinting as if he were trying to keep up. Kendall was biting back a smirk while he waited for further explanation and Sage studied them all.

"He means that we need to change how I react and think things through," she offered helpfully.

"Oh, okay. Why didn't you just say that?" James scoffed at Logan, smiling sideways and gesturing to him like he was being silly.

"Continue," Sage whispered loudly, giving Logan a thumbs-up when he seemed like he was going to lunge at James. She could already tell how nervous he was, and she wanted to give him as much encouragement and support as possible for taking on the task of improving her life. Logan smiled gratefully and centered his thoughts before moving on.

"As Sage said, we want to try to help her change the way she works right now. Her time with Elliot altered her body's responses and instincts, and it has all gotten a lot worse now that it's over. It's almost like she's expecting bad things to keep happening to her, like she truly believes that pain is coming her way no matter what," Logan explained further. He made sure to keep his speech slow and gentle, knowing that what he was saying couldn't have been easy to hear.

Sage nodded reluctantly and agreed with his astute assessment while Kendall became agitated, wanting to come to her defense but having nothing to argue with. Sitting back and not actively doing anything was possibly one of the most difficult things he had ever done. He didn't have the control anymore, so he was just trying to be happy that the person who possessed it was someone he trusted with his life. Logan was the perfect man for the job.

"We have to show and teach her that some of the things she fears are irrational, and, if she believes it enough, the theory says that her body will start to react appropriately with time and practice… It won't be easy by any means. Boundaries will have to be stretched and occasionally questioned for the sake of trial and error, but nothing we ever do will put her in actual danger," Logan assured her, speaking to the group as a whole before focusing specifically on Sage. "I know it'll be really hard, but try to remember that, okay? Remember that we love you and everything will be alright."

"I'll try," she nodded enthusiastically.

She did her best to ignore it, but her anxiety was beginning to build even though they were just talking about testing her. Kendall squeezed her hand and leaned into her just a fraction of an inch more, letting her choose whether or not she would close anymore of the small distance between them. Their shoulders bumped when she immediately did, making him smile before sobering when he realized that she must have desperately needed the comfort if she initiated contact so quickly.

"Good," Logan commented happily. "Now, we want you to be safe, but we don't always necessarily want you to be comfortable because- "

"Um, I'm gonna have to disagree there," Kendall interrupted. He raised his hand with a small frown.

"Sorry, we're saving questions until after the session," Logan joked lamely, hoping that Kendall would drop his newly found annoyance. He hated being on the receiving end of the boy's fire. Luckily, as of right now, he was only on a low simmer.

"I'm serious," he cautioned Logan, his face becoming stern and obstinate.

"Put your hand down, love…" Sage chimed in, patting his arm soothingly and stopping when he turned to her with a pout.

"But-"

"No," she shook her head, now taking on a firm expression that could rival his own. "When you have an IQ as high as Logan's then you can run my therapy. So far, what he's saying makes complete sense… Let him keep going," she pleaded softly, rubbing her thumb over the back of his knuckles; trying to will away his stubbornness. It seemed to work as much as it ever would. Kendall jerked his head up and down once, fidgeting in his seat but looking compliant.

"Fine. Go ahead, Logan," he gave in, glancing back up to his friend.

Logan appeared shocked by how easily Sage could talk him down. The brunette's mouth hung open in amazement. He tried to shut it and form words, but his mind was a bit muddled after having geared up for an inevitable fight that turned out to be avoidable with Sage on his side.

"She's good," James said what they were all thinking, his own amazement shining through as he stared at her approvingly. Kendall rolled his eyes with a heavy inhale and exhale while Carlos smiled in amusement. Logan cleared his throat, sneaking a peek at the clock behind him to make sure they had enough time to talk about what they needed to before heading off to the studio.

"So, let's talk about coping techniques for your anxiety. What do you feel when you panic? What do you see and do?" he asked Sage thoughtfully, already having an idea of what her answer was going to be after many hours of research and discussions with his father.

He even got in touch with a few of the ex-doctor's old contacts he had given him and asked for some information under the guise of research for school. No therapist or psychiatrist in their right mind, with a valid medical license, would help a teenager conduct therapy on a girl his own age. It went against a lot of ethical principles. At first it made Logan uneasy, but then he bit the bullet for the sake of his new family. He figured no one would ever have to know what he was doing.

"I usually forget where I am. I feel like I might die or get hurt… I lose all control of what my body does; whether it resists or gives in," she explained awkwardly, sounding ashamed of herself as she began to twirl the pendant on her neck.

"I figured…" Logan confessed sadly, giving her a small smile of comfort before speaking. "There's a technique we could try when your anxiety gets really high. It'll help you focus and work your way through everything instead of letting the feelings take you over," he added excitedly, hoping that things would work out in their favor. Sage seemed very interested, her eyes refocusing on him and begging for him to continue. "When you get overwhelmed and think you might lose it, you should spell the first word that comes to your mind. It doesn't matter what it is. Just spell it out loud, and keep doing it until you find yourself calming down and you feel the fear subsiding. We'll practice later on, but you can start yourself today if you need to so we can see how it works."

Sage was nodding, and about to voice her understanding, but then Carlos interjected animatedly.

"I want to spell what I'm thinking!" he declared without shame, appearing thrilled by the idea. Part of him thought his enthusiasm would encourage Sage and the other half was just plain energetic.

"This isn't really a game…" Logan argued weakly only to be overpowered by James

"Dude, no one wants to hear a grocery list," he teased Carlos about his love for food before donning a pompous expression. "My thoughts are way more interesting," he folded his arms over his chest and crossed his legs up on the coffee table, stretching out his long body as if he was proving a point.

"Yeah, right! All we'd hear from you is stuff about sex," Carlos bantered back, scrunching his face up and changing his voice into a mocking one. "'So then I put my D-I-C-K in her-'"

"I think we get it," Kendall clamped his hand over Carlos' mouth, somehow still managing to keep his other one locked firmly with Sage's even when he was interfering with his friends' antics.

"Are you two done?" Logan asked in exhaustion, only cracking a smile when he heard Sage's light laughter directed at the boys. He regained his train of thought easily after Carlos and James nodded sheepishly. "The theory behind the spelling, which, I repeat, is _**not**_ a game…" he glared at his friends and then brought his eyes back to Sage on the other side of the couch, "… is that, soon, some of your biggest fears will turn into simple words. These immense things in your head become nothing but a series of letters, and, while you do it, it will help keep your brain focused on something current. We want you to stay here-"

"In the now," Carlos clarified in what he thought was a helpful way, gesturing around them with an overdramatic intensity that made Sage relax and smile. Logan grinned and kept going.

"Or you could count… I'm directing this part at you too," he looked over at Kendall and pointed at the stunned boy.

"Me?" he scoffed like Logan was kidding.

"Yeah, man. You're a total hothead. You gotta breathe and count to ten or some shit," James said dryly, unfolding his arms in favor of putting them behind his head so he could recline further.

"Thank you, James," Logan spoke out like he wasn't really all that grateful for his lack of delicacy. "Anyway…" he went on, dragging out the word until James brought his attention back forward, "… If you feel upset or angry, count backwards or, even better, talk it out with us."

Sage thought she'd have to listen to some sort of argument. She squeezed Kendall's hand and braced herself for the words that never came. When she looked to her right, he was merely shaking his head up and down.

"I can do that," he admitted confidently, sounding as if he was mentally telling himself to start today if things got bad.

"Okay… Great!" Logan seemed to have been on the same track as Sage, just as surprised and happy when Kendall was so compliant. "Any questions or concerns before we leave?" he asked solemnly, spinning on the stool to take another lengthy glance at the clock. He instantly began thinking about all the work they had ahead of them, and he wasn't even too worried about the studio. His mind was completely focused on Sage's recovery and how long it was going to be before they all felt a sense of normalcy.

"Uh…" Sage started nervously, her light attitude from earlier deflating. "What am I s-supposed to do?"

"What do you mean?" Kendall wondered, shuffling around in his seat so that his body was pointed more directly at hers.

"Like, today… What am I supposed to do here?" she wondered, opening and shutting her mouth as she fought for more words, "…Without you guys?"

Her nerves and sadness were showing more than they had all morning, not even this present when she woke up clinging to Kendall's arm. It made him visibly upset; his upper body flinching before his shoulders sagged. He took her free hand and clenched them both tightly with a force so strong that he could hardly feel blood flowing beneath the skin anymore.

James began picking at his nails. His cocky demeanor faded even faster than it had arrived, trying not to look up at Sage; knowing that he might get sucked in and announce that he wanted to stay with her during the day like his instincts were telling him to. Carlos' eyes slipped shut forcefully, taking a deep breath before opening them again and reaching for his helmet that he left on the coffee table. He settled it onto his lap securely and fiddled with the straps. Logan was radiating genuine sympathy, slight panic, and then pure thought; the gears in his head turning so much that he could have sworn he heard them.

"Well, what would you normally do?" he asked calmly. He sounded as if he was keeping himself together, engaging in conversation rather than freaking out. It wasn't his usual style, but, if Sage was going to stretch out of her comfort zone, then he would too.

"When I'm alone?" she thought for a moment after Logan nodded. "Um, wait for Elliot to come home…" she confessed uncomfortably, tensing when Kendall did beside her. She could tell that he had stopped breathing, no noise emitting from him until he exhaled heavily. "Was that a bad answer? I could change it," she offered nervously, panicking at the expressions on her new friends' faces. She hated feeling like she was upsetting the others. She would have rather hidden her own discomfort for their sake because of how much they had already done for her, but that would ruin the point of change. She had hidden enough for one lifetime.

"Was it the truth?" Carlos inquired gently, breaking the silence that had enveloped the group.

"Yes," she divulged miserably, embarrassed of the way she used to rely on Elliot; the way she gave in to him.

"Then it was a good answer. Right, Logie?" he had discussed all of these things with Logan earlier, and he fully understood and appreciated the fact that support was key. So far, he was keeping up the optimism fantastically. Despite what the majority of the people around him may have thought, Carlos wasn't as dim as he appeared.

"The best," Logan agreed with a grin, feeling good when Carlos seemed a little proud of himself for his input as he settled back into the couch. "Maybe you should try doing something for _**you**_ while we're gone," he stared at Sage, struggling to think of a solution to her problem before she dived deeper into the depression.

"For me…" Sage trailed off, not fully grasping what it meant. Nothing she did in the last year had been only for her.

"I do things for myself all the time. Trust me, it's fun," James declared energetically. It made Sage smile, but she still appeared reluctant and confused.

"What did you do before we met?"

Kendall's question surprised them all. Normally, he despised talking about anything that didn't involve them being together, but he had promised to grab onto change with both hands, and he was pulling through like a true leader. Sage blinked a few times, thinking back to what felt like a different life, one that used to partly belong to her.

"I usually walked around town or wrote music… I went to school and played the piano sometimes if I could get in," she explained longingly. She missed it, the cool texture of the keys beneath her hands. Her fingers twitched slightly, and it made Kendall smile. This time she wasn't shaking because of fear, and he considered it an improvement.

"You can write music… Play my guitar… We'll work hard and have you better and coming to the studio with us in no time so you can check out the instruments there. For now, you can make due here in the apartment… You're creative. Your big brain will come up with something," he grinned, releasing one of his hands so he could rub her wrist; his fingertips dragging comfortingly over the freshly healed scar on her pale skin.

Sage bit her bottom lip and tried to smile, but her eyes weren't in it; choosing to stare out the window behind him instead before falling towards her lap.

"You can do anything you want, baby… You're not trapped anymore… You're free…" he kissed her temple soothingly, humming softly in contentment when she leaned into him and didn't allow him to pull away for a moment longer than he thought she would. He always knew how to make her relax. She just wished that she could harness some of that power inside of herself as easily as he dispensed it for her.

"What about my head? What about all of the bad thoughts? Half of the time I think someone is going to bust the door down or that it'll never open again at all," she smiled bitterly at herself, turning to stare at the main door; somehow not even controlling herself when she squinted just to be sure it was locked.

"It's okay to have the thoughts, but you have to work on not believing them. That's where the irrationality comes in, and that's what we want to stop. We have to get you to rely on logic and not your anxiety," Logan informed her smartly, his voice taking on a vibe that both calmed and impressed her. He had obviously put a lot of effort into this. Even his language seemed carefully formed, speaking in plurals, which made her feel like they really were all a team.

"Logan's a pro at logic. You should take notes on his dweebtastic ways," James smirked, efficiently lightening the mood. Logan stretched his leg out far enough so that his foot connected with the boy's calf with a dull thud, making James cringe and rub at the bruise he guessed was forming.

"As I was saying…" Logan enunciated his words carefully and glared at James before speaking to Sage again, "You need to focus on what you're doing and not think about the things that _**might**_ happen… Try not to be negative. If you're already thinking that something will definitely happen, then your body feeds off of that. Your heart will start to beat faster and you'll just be asking for a complete meltdown… Keep the control, okay?" he tried to look encouraging, like he was asking Sage but also telling her that she could do it.

"Alright, I'll do my best," she smiled uneasily, digging her fingernails into the skin of Kendall's hand. He had gotten used to it and didn't even wince anymore. The pain helped remind him that she was there.

"Promise you'll call if something is really wrong?" he asked warily, watching the way she was beginning to gear herself up for the day. She was almost as stubborn as him, and that had him worrying that she wouldn't ask for help when she needed it if she was trying to prove that she could do it alone.

"I promise," she nodded as soon as she saw the apprehension in his eyes. They always needed each other to live, but now they had to learn to live both with and without one another; striking up a balance that would allow them to lead relatively normal existences. It was hard, but they needed to do this for each other.

Kendall tugged her new cell phone out of his pocket and placed it into her hand like it was their lifeline. She gripped the device tightly, enjoying the fact that she had it but also reminding herself not to rely on it.

* * *

Sage wanted to call Kendall as soon as he left. The way he looked at her yearningly as Carlos regrettably shut the door behind them, closing off her connection to the only people she knew, had her instantly feeling tears sting her eyes. She buried her face in her knees and struggled to breathe deeply until the unsettling tingle in her spine subsided enough for her to get off of the couch without reaching for the phone.

After a few hours passed, the silence and solitude got harder rather than easier. She had checked the lock on the front door seven times and kept feeling the need to do it again. She tried to distract herself in the bedroom, sitting on the floor with Kendall's pillow in her lap as she attempted to write lyrics or read a few books he had lying around from school. The distractions worked for a while, and she felt slightly renewed after she had talked to her boyfriend when he got a small break for lunch, but then her mind lost the control she had fought to keep. Her brain hit a block and the words on the paper blurred. As soon as she reached a dead-end, it was as if she could no longer focus on anything.

She roamed the apartment with restless legs, finding herself opening the door to every room just to peek in to make sure that no one was hiding there and waiting for her to let her guard down. She even checked the closets, her paranoia only fading a bit when it told her to check under the bed in her room. She wasn't going to do that even if someone paid her to.

"_What should I do if my mind won't stop racing? :/ - S"_

Sage sent a text message to Logan with uncooperative fingers, typing it out multiple times before she actually got it right. She waited anxiously for a response while sitting at the dining table with her sneakers scuffing the floor beneath her with every unconscious swing her legs made. She needed some sort of guidance desperately, and she wasn't going to contact Kendall. It would only make him want to rush home if he knew she was having a rough time.

"_Distract yourself. TV or writing. And if you have to think, make sure it's not about Elliot. – L"_

His answer came much faster than she had expected. The sound of the phone beeping startled her into making a small yelp, which had her huffing out a breath and feeling embarrassed even though no one was there to witness it.

"_You know if you tell me not to think about something then it's ALL I'm gonna think about, right?- S" _

She typed back with a smirk. Imagining the way Logan was surely rolling his eyes and looking outdone was a good diversion from the burn of her heart clenching with worry in her chest.

"_Sorry :( I'm new at this… - L"_

She smiled and leaned one elbow on the table while using her other hand to send her response.

"_I know. Thank you, Logan :) This helped a little. I'm already feeling distracted… Being here isn't so bad - S" _

"_Good! :D I gotta go. Your BF is trying to kill me with the power of his eyes… He keeps messing up the vocals on this track we're doing because he knows I'm texting you. We'll see you soon :) – L"_

Sage read the message a few times, knowing it would be the last one for a while. It was going to be at least another hour before they came home. Fortunately, she didn't even have to wait as much as she normally would have because Gustavo had a meeting scheduled for the late afternoon, but it still felt too long. As she set the phone down on the table, the silence started to become unbearable again.

She jumped out of the chair and hurried to the living room area to engage in another distraction. She sat uneasily on the edge of the couch, scooping up the remote and turning the television on to a random channel at a low volume. Nothing could hold her interest. Her mind kept overpowering anything visual. Everything she saw reminded her of the fear, reminded her of Elliot. An old episode of "Cops" was on, which had her gasping and jamming the buttons on the remote when every officer appeared to be her stepfather. The next channel was an emergency news broadcast about a local convenience store robbery and, of course, there were police officers swarming the screen. Sage's frustration was mounting. She hit the power button and left herself in a sickening silence that was broken by a sound she wasn't prepared to hear.

Someone was knocking on the door.

Other than Katie and Karen, the boys of BTR hadn't had a single visitor in the last week and a half. Sage cursed in a hushed whisper, wondering why today of all days brought someone to their door.

She leapt off of the couch and looked around the apartment like the walls could give her an answer as to how she was supposed to respond. Another soft knock sounded and she found herself inching towards the door. Curiosity got the better of her, and she slowly closed the distance between her and the unknown visitor. Stifling the cry that wanted to escape, Sage placed her palms flat against the doorframe. She brought her eyes to the peephole and then scrunched them shut before she could see anything, ruining the point and being irrational.

"S-T-U-P-I-D," she scolded herself quietly, the letters mere mumbles as she scratched the wood beneath her hands with her nails. The knot in her stomach was coiling tighter and tighter as she struggled to keep spelling until she could focus enough to think. "S-C-A-R-E-D," she admitted faintly. Her voice was so low that the person on the other side of the door couldn't have possibly heard. At least, she hoped that they couldn't.

After a few deep and uneven breaths, Sage's eyes slipped open cautiously to be greeted with the concentrated view of a brunette girl in the hallway. She waited patiently, much longer than Sage thought she would have, and a simple smile settled on her lips like it always belonged there. Her long, dark hair was tied back and hanging delicately over one of her shoulders.

Camille Wyatt.

Sage knew her from people watching with James the day before. They both sat behind the couch against the window, with a good distance of at least three feet between them, and James started pointing out all of the Palm Woods' residents by the pool while they ate lunch. At the time, she had actually been happy that she could put faces to the names that the boys spoke daily, especially Camille's.

She was often a hot topic when they related her to Logan. Kendall and Carlos encouraged him as much as they could to ask her out, while James took the more characteristic approach of teasing him into submission; having had quite enough of Logan being too afraid to take a shot on a girl who had voiced her interest in him on more than one occasion. Logan himself only spoke about her when things were calm, often blushing and dodging the discussion when the spotlight was placed on him. He never admitted it aloud, but Sage could tell that he had a crush on Camille just by the way his smile softened with his demeanor when he'd talk about seeing her during the day.

Camille sounded like a fun and kind girl, having even gained Kendall's approval enough for her number to have ended up in the contact list of the cell phone he programmed for Sage, but right now she felt like a threat just as much as everything else on the outside of the apartment. Sage almost slid down to the floor and covered her ears until the gentle knocking stopped, but then she remembered Logan's helpful words and the whole point of her being there alone at the time.

She was supposed to be stretching her boundaries. Camille was the perfect opportunity to do so, and it was practically handed to her on a silver platter. She just had to reach out and take it, no matter how bad her hands were trembling.

Steadying herself as much as possible, and hoping that only a few seconds had passed rather than the eons that did in her fretful mind, Sage curled her fingers around the door handle and held on tightly. With a twist of her other thumb and forefinger, the lock was clicked out of place. She bit her tongue, pulled the door open, and prayed that she didn't look as unsettled as she felt.

"H-Hi…" she forced a smile as her stomach flipped uncontrollably.

"Hey," Camille greeted her nicely, but her head titled and her brow furrowed in confusion. "Who are you?" she was still smiling, and that made Sage relax enough to speak.

"I'm Sage Henderson," she felt extraordinarily nervous, but the feeling wasn't growing; just staying at about the same level instead.

She went to tug on her sleeves, cursing silently when she realized that she wasn't wearing long ones. Her t-shirt was thin and teal-colored. It was one of the new additions to her limited wardrobe that James ordered for her online with the money Karen had graciously placed into Kendall's account. She had been reluctant to use any of it, but her pseudo-mother insisted, and she only had a few items of clothing that she had stuffed in a bag from Ramsey. She gave in after only a few days of wearing Kendall's clothes and having Logan wash her other one's several times. James had convinced her that most of her new outfits should be summer clothes because of the constantly warm weather, and she had initially agreed, but she was regretting it now. She felt exposed and unable to hide.

"I'm Camille," the friendly girl replied energetically. "Are the guys around?" she asked, peering over Sage's shoulder with a strained expression; still trying to figure things out.

"N-No, they're at work," Sage explained, still working on making her voice steady.

"Yet you're here…" Camille announced curiously, seeming to be waiting for more information.

"Yeah, I sorta live here now… but no one is supposed to know that!" she added the last part quickly, her green eyes widening and her fingers clenching into fists as her arms wrapped around her torso. Her words came out faster than she anticipated, and now she was not only worrying about her anxiety getting the better of her but also about Bitters, the hotel manager, finding out that he had a new tenant that wasn't on the lease. She was starting to think she should have made a plan before taking a risk and opening the door.

"Oh, okay," Camille replied simply. She appeared fine with keeping her secret. Her face fell suddenly, but it wasn't for a reason Sage saw coming. "Wait, you live here? With _**Logan**_?" her voice raised a few octaves. Sage's upper body leaned backwards like Camille's abrupt dramatics could've toppled her over. "Logan's living with a girl? Are you two together? That's gotta be why I keep getting nowhere with him," she pouted, looking defeated and torn. Sage just blinked, unsure of how to respond to the rapid questions. She had been dealing with too much silence all day and now Camille was delivering a tremendous distraction. She was almost grateful for it, but she wasn't sure of how to handle it. "I mean, can it _**not**_ be Logan? The other guys are great, and you're very pretty. I'm sure you'd make a nice match with anyone _**but**_ Logan," Camille insisted desperately. Sage's eyes widened. She had barely spoken two sentences before the girl was flying off into a tangent and making wild assumptions. It was both overwhelming and entertaining. "I'm an idiot, I should have- "

"Camille!" Sage interrupted finally, finding her voice among the swarm of thoughts in her mind. Camille stopped and waited for her to say something that would help her. "I'm Kendall's girlfriend." That did the trick.

"That's great! In that case, it's very nice to meet you," Camille laughed at herself, the high volume and despair gone from her tone as she held her hand out.

"Likewise," Sage chuckled easily but the sound got caught in her throat when she saw Camille's hand.

She didn't want to be rude, but she was just staring at it; thinking a lot longer than the average person before hesitantly reaching out. She could see her whole arm wavering but Camille didn't appear to detect it, or she just wasn't saying anything if she did. The contact was brief, almost like Camille sensed that it was something that made Sage want to throw herself to the ground and cry, but it actually wasn't as bad as she was expecting. It was almost like hugging Katie and Karen; soft and simple with very few threatening scenarios wracking her brain. Sage figured that Camille being a female helped. Her mind didn't read her as a huge danger.

"Was there something you needed?" Sage asked politely, her hand falling away from the girl's so that she could grip the doorknob again. It helped her feel a little more balanced.

"Oh!" Camille giggled at herself, rolling her eyes at her own absentmindedness. "I came here to get a script of mine that James has. He was helping me practice for an audition earlier this month, and I almost forgot that he was making notes on some of my scenes until I ran into him a few days ago. He said he'd be here today…" she stopped, concentrating on her memories to try to figure out if she had gotten something wrong.

Sage nodded immediately, thinking that James must have spoken to her about the script before he knew that he wasn't going to be faking "sick" for Gustavo anymore. He probably forgot to tell Camille that he was going to the studio after all, but Sage couldn't blame him. It had been a stressful several days for all of them.

"He was supposed to be here today, but the schedule with Gustavo changed around a bit," Sage explained quickly, thinking that it wasn't a complete lie. It came out smooth enough for Camille not to notice.

"I'll come back later then," she said calmly, stepping away from the door.

Sage remembered what Logan told her. He cautioned her that she shouldn't always be listening to her instincts right now. As Camille readied herself to turn around, Sage felt relief at the relative stranger exiting her vicinity, so she wanted to challenge that feeling; do the opposite of what she wanted.

"They should be home pretty soon. You could stay if you want…" she offered, fighting to keep the smile on her face while her muscles burned and she rolled her shoulders.

"Are you sure? I don't want to bother you," Camille bit her lip, shoving her hands into the pockets of her capris.

"You're not bothering me at all. I wasn't doing anything anyway," Sage insisted warmly, the action coming to her easier than she had thought it would as she stepped aside and gestured for Camille to come in before shutting the door and locking it behind her. "So, you're an actress, right? James said you're really good, and I think Carlos used the word 'intense'," she smiled, busying herself by grabbing two bottles of water from the fridge and strolling over to the couch with Camille.

"They talk about me?" she wondered excitedly, taking the bottle with a smile of thanks before falling down onto the sofa. She slipped her shoes off before curling her legs beneath her and tossing the water between both of her hands as she waited for an answer and watched Sage maneuver around the coffee table to sit on the opposite side of the couch.

"Sometimes," Sage confessed with a grin. "I don't know much other than that you're Logan's Camille," she shrugged, sipping at her water to fight off the tightness in her throat. Being with another female her age was odd. The only girls she ever knew before considered her an enemy. People like Samantha Carson made it their goal to make her life hell in Ramsey. They were insignificant compared to Elliot, but they were damaging nonetheless.

"Did he say that?" Camille wondered with wide eyes and a big smile.

"What?" Sage fiddled with the cap of the water bottle and tried to remember what she had said. The words were flowing together a bit, and everything was struggling to come into focus; her earlier panic attack after Camille knocked on the door still ruling her heart and making it beat out of rhythm.

"Did Logan say that I was 'his'?" Camille clarified, making quotation marks with her fingers in the air. Sage thought for a moment.

"Um, actually, I think it might have been James who said that, but Logan didn't deny it," Sage informed her optimistically, happy to see Camille do a small dance in her seat.

"I'm totally gonna crack that boy soon," she declared triumphantly, pumping her fist that held the water bottle. "So, what's your story? I know you weren't here when the guys first got to L.A. Did you meet Kendall around town?" she asked innocently, still smiling as she made what she thought was easy conversation.

Sage wasn't sure what she was supposed to say. The truth was way too much for anyone to hear, but she didn't like to lie, especially to someone as nice as Camille. Plus, the guys seemed to trust her, and she was inevitably going to be in a relationship with Logan, so Sage decided to go with partial truths. The tale would have to be altered a little bit, but she was just glad that she didn't have to pull an entire life story out of thin air.

"Well…" she started, dragging the word out as she cleared her throat. "Kendall and I actually met two years ago in North Dakota. He had moved there with his mom and sister, and I was living in a f-foster home," she used the lie Elliot had constructed for her and twisted it to suit her own needs, silently smirking when something her stepfather had done came in handy.

"You were in foster care?" Camille looked entirely sympathetic. It made Sage frown. She didn't like that look from people. Pity only reminded her of just how much shit she went through. That's why she preferred to be invisible sometimes, but she wiped the sadness off of her face and replaced it with a carefree smile.

"Yeah, I never knew my father, and my mom died when I was younger," she explained quickly, her hand waving like she hoped that the gesture would make Camille think it wasn't a big deal.

"I'm really sorry to hear that," the brunette sighed softly, giving Sage a caring expression that warmed her erratically beating heart.

"Thanks, but it was a really long time ago… Anyway, I met Kendall and we got together pretty fast. After a year, he had to move back to Minnesota, so we were separated for a while… but we're back together now that I'm eighteen and out of the system," Sage finished calmly, immediately running back over her words in her head to commit them to memory and make sure that what she said made sense.

"That sounds so romantic. You guys found your way back to each other," Camille almost visibly swooned, her hands clasping together over the bottle between them. Sage cringed at her choice of words. Romantic didn't seem to capture her and Kendall's experience. Tragic fit the bill better.

"It took a while, but, yeah, I'm here," Sage tried to sound upbeat, rapidly thinking of something else to say when she was sure that she was failing. "I moved in about a week ago."

"How come I've never seen you around here?" Camille's question was harmless, but it had Sage feeling like she was being weighed down. Lying used to be really easy. She did it all the time when she was asked about her bruises, and occasionally with Elliot when she declared her love for the man, but now it felt wrong, and she wasn't nearly as good at it as she used to be.

"Uh," she thought for second. She knew that she had to tell part of the truth because it was painfully obvious how abnormal she was. "I'm a little agoraphobic," she said nervously, thinking back to the words she read on the internet when she had engaged in her own bit of research out of inquisitiveness.

"I'm not Logan. You're gonna need to elaborate," Camille chuckled, poking fun at herself for not having the brains of her crush.

"I have a fear of open spaces, like outside, but I'm working on it," Sage smiled optimistically, a small dash of pride shining through when she realized that inviting Camille into the apartment was a step in the right direction.

"That explains why I've hardly seen Kendall lately. He wasn't even sick, was he? I bet you were having a passionate reunion," Camille seemed to accept Sage's "disability" easily, taking everything in an admirable stride and moving on to something she apparently enjoyed; romance in any form.

"Yeah… 'Passionate' is one way of putting it," Sage laughed restlessly, squirming in her seat. Their reunion was way more dramatic than anything. It was sort of passionate, but she did wish that it was even more so. She missed the way Kendall used to hold her at night. She wanted that again badly.

"He loves you a lot. I can tell," Camille's sly voice brought her out of her thoughts. "I saw him in the lobby yesterday with Carlos and Logan, and, for once, I couldn't even keep my eyes on Logie because of the big pout your boyfriend was sportin'. I'm guessing he was bummed about leaving you," she speculated, looking as if she thought it was the sweetest thing in the world.

"He wasn't too happy this morning either… It's hard after being separated for a year," Sage admittedly faintly, finding that her fidgeting was getting worse when Kendall wasn't there to take her hand. She wrapped all of her fingers around the cool water bottle and squeezed until the plastic collapsed beneath the pressure.

"You guys didn't talk over the phone?" Camille wondered, raising a slim eyebrow in concern.

"Communication wasn't easy… The home I was living in had l-limited access to phones and c-computers," she murmured lamely. Her mind started to drift back to her restricted existence with Elliot, but Camille served as a wonderful distraction.

"I bet you weren't expecting to come live with him here, huh?" she asked, thinking about their small town life in North Dakota compared to the bustling streets of Los Angeles.

"No," Sage chuckled airily. "The plan was always to be in Minnesota."

She started to really think about how much she didn't know Hollywood or California. All Sage knew was the apartment and the guys. Sometimes she would forget that they were on the fast track to fame. She had just entered their lives and rolled with the punches, other more pressing matters plaguing her mind constantly. The thought of them continuing down their path to success and being at the studio right now made her happy, glad that their lives were no longer on pause for her.

"You and Kendall are pretty serious, aren't you?" Camille's voice broke through her haze again, making Sage briefly realize that she was asking all of the questions, but she was thankful for it, and Camille didn't seem to mind. She made talking easy.

"Very," Sage nodded vigorously. She almost overlooked the fact that a love like hers and Kendall's wasn't all that common among people their age, not remembering how unconventional it was. She wasn't used to it being questioned. Even the guys just embraced it immediately, having known many of the details before they were actually reunited. "We love each other a lot," she added for good measure, her smile softening as her nerves calmed almost completely.

"Aw! That's too frickin' cute! You light up when you talk about him" she giggled, staring at Sage with admiration. "I want that with someone," she pouted slightly, dragging a finger through the condensation that had built up on her bottle before focusing on Sage again. "That necklace is from him, isn't it? He's totally a hidden softy. He hides it behind all of those smirks and his confidence," Camille insisted with a grin.

Sage inhaled heavily at the mention of her pendant, her fingers instinctively reaching up to twirl it at her neck. Camille had noticed it, which meant she also saw the pink scar marring her skin beneath it, but she didn't say a thing about it or even look like she wanted to. Sage was thankful for the lack of prying inquiries and judgments. She was delighted to have met a general stranger that respected normal boundaries. In Ramsey, if she had a scar or injury around her peers, there would have quickly been a rumor about her attempting suicide popping up.

"So…" Camille tried to change the subject, which had Sage wanting to roll her eyes out of annoyance with herself. She had been hiding her abnormalities relatively well, but apparently she had faltered. Luckily, her new acquaintance took everything in stride. "What are you doing here? Do you go to school? Do you want to get into the music business, or maybe you act?" she probed carefully.

Sage smiled, mentally making a point to try to ask a question soon. Camille was holding up the entire conversation with ease while Sage wasn't even sure what she was thinking half of the time. It was hard to wrap her mind around the ability to engage with others. All social aspects of her life were going to take a while to readjust to.

"I write music and sing occasionally, but I've never really had a plan to do anything with it," Sage spoke with a small shake of her head. She only ever thought that she may teach piano in the future like Julia had done. She never imagined that she'd be in Los Angeles. It was all very overwhelming, and, right now, she couldn't even get out of the apartment. "I really don't have a clue what my future holds. I've sorta been flying by the seat of my pants," she laughed, twirling the bottle in her hand.

"Something will happen for you… There are opportunities all over this town. It's the land of dreams. At least, that's what I hear," Camille smiled a bit bitterly.

"You haven't caught your big break yet?" Sage wondered with a sympathetic expression, inwardly congratulating herself for asking a question of her own.

"It's tough. I've been here for almost two years. My dad and I moved in when I turned sixteen, hoping that I'd be able to land a great gig, but now I'm eighteen. He went back home to Connecticut because of a good job opportunity, and I'm still here waiting," Camille admitted sadly, her bright façade fading ever so slightly.

Sage flinched automatically at the mention of the girl's home state, thinking that it was one of the places Elliot mentioned moving to with her when he started making plans for their long life together. Swallowing thickly, Sage forced him into the back of her mind and donned a kind countenance.

"I'm sure it'll come when you least expect it. I don't know much, but, to me, you seem like you're destined for something really great. You're a very interesting girl. I bet there's a huge director out there just waiting for you to audition for their latest movie," Sage settled deeper into her seat, the tension releasing from her shoulders as the minutes passed.

"You think I'm interesting?" Camille smiled shyly, sitting up a bit straighter as she glanced down. "Most people around here think I'm just weird," she confessed sheepishly, scratching the side of her neck that her wavy hair wasn't resting on.

"Most people think I'm a freak," Sage offered happily, shrugging nonchalantly. Finding common ground with Camille made her feel good; made her feel like she fit in a little more than she ever did. Kendall was her boyfriend, loving her unconditionally, and the guys embraced her without question because of it. Camille was the first person she got to know by herself.

"You seem nice," she insisted, appearing to be thinking along the same lines as Sage; that they both might be misunderstood but they were happy to have something that they shared.

"Thanks," Sage laughed shortly, unaccustomed to compliments.

"I like you," Camille continued sincerely. "Fellow outcasts always make the best of friends," she added excitedly. Leaning forward and placing her bottle on the coffee table, she laced her fingers together in her lap. She seemed fully relaxed, something Sage thought she had already been until she witnessed her posture now. Sage nodded in agreement and crossed one of her legs over the other.

"It's why the guys have always stuck together. They're a band of misfits," she declared with a small giggle when her thoughts drifted off to all of the oddities she had seen in the last week. The group of four boys was fun to be around, never a dull moment unless she was tucked away in her room with Kendall.

"They're strange, but strange is really good around here. It was amazingly refreshing when they moved in… Did you know that Carlos put a squid in the pool on April Fool's Day?" Camille's laughter was light and giddy as she thought back to the scene she had stepped into almost two months prior, which included an angry hotel manager turning red as he screamed at the helmet-wearing teen. She personally loved the addition of Big Time Rush to the Palm Woods. They were a collection of different personalities that somehow meshed together in an admirable brotherhood that shone through with everything they did, whether it was playing or fighting or pranking.

"He told me the story, but I thought he was joking," Sage laughed along, her eyes wide at the mental image of Carlos dumping a live squid into the large pool.

"He said that he should have gotten immunity because it was technically a holiday, but that didn't stop Bitters from flipping out and billing Gustavo for the cleaning costs," Camille smiled and twisted in her seat to face the blonde girl more directly.

Sage did the same, finding conversation with Camille effortless once she forgot the rest of her problems. It wasn't as bad as she imagined it would be, unintentionally proving Logan's point that things were a lot less frightening than her mind tried to make her believe.

As they continued to chat easily, she started to see that recovery was possible.

* * *

"She's not answering her phone!" Kendall proclaimed nervously. His fingers punched at the cell phone in his hand angrily. "What if something's wrong?"

He and the other guys walked through the lobby of the Palm Woods, and his friends' legs were going way too slow for his liking. He tried to speed up, but Logan kept his pace steady and James was doing the same in front of him.

"She's fine, Kendall," Carlos insisted calmly, patting the boy's shoulder beside him. He was tired of watching him dial Sage's number and curse every time he received no answer.

"How do you know?" Kendall asked skeptically, an eyebrow rising in accusation.

"Uh…" he stuttered and looked forward to Logan, who was pushing the button at the elevator. He pressed it gently, but Kendall wanted to jam it until the little light went out.

"Here's the thing," Logan turned around, smiling awkwardly like he was already planning for an outburst.

"Oh, this is gonna be good," James grinned, crossing his arms as he glanced up at the numbers on the elevator counting down.

"Don't help," Logan hissed at him before turning back to Kendall. "After lunch, I _**may**_ have told Sage not to answer any calls unless they were from one of us," he tilted his head towards James and then Carlos. "That way she'd know it was a real emergency."

"Why?" Kendall drew the word out in one long syllable. He acted like he was speaking to a child, and he was desperately attempting to keep his anger in check while clenching his teeth in an annoyed smile. Logan sighed and stepped onto the elevator when the doors opened, pressing the button to the second floor after the others piled in.

"We have to wean you guys off of each other a little. Codependency is not a healthy thing," he answered, holding a finger in the air as if he was lecturing.

"Neither is my foot up your ass," Kendall grumbled but gave in. He anxiously stared up at the tiled ceiling as he thought about seeing Sage in a few seconds.

"You're making the right choice by not arguing, Kendall… Proud of you," Carlos declared in a singsong tone and poked his friend in the sides playfully. Kendall swatted him away, effectively starting a minor faux battle as a slap fight began.

"No fighting! God, we can't take you children anywhere… Maybe you should start counting, Kenny. Control your temper," James joked, squealing when Kendall swiped his hand against the back of his head. He instantly covered his hair, cringing and attempting to fix any of the locks that fell out of place.

"I'm sorry, Jamie. I couldn't hear what you said over the sound of your girly voice," Kendall teased. He looked smug while Carlos laughed beside him, pointing at James like he just got burned. James stiffened at first, but then he simply smiled and strolled forward out of the elevator when the doors popped open. Logan glanced sideways with a lopsided grin, amused by their antics.

"Why is he so quiet? It's freaking me out," Carlos whispered harshly, keeping his eyes on James as he leaned into Kendall.

"I'm planning Kendall's death," James claimed dispassionately, waving a hand in the air.

"Very mature," Kendall responded with a roll of his eyes.

As soon as the apartment door came into view, he forgot all about James' vague threats. He darted forward, swiping the keys right out of Logan's hand and fumbled with them in his own. They didn't want to cooperate, always trying to jump right out of his shaking palms, but he forced them to work as he slipped the right one into the lock on the door. He swung it open with the boys in tow and stopped at the sight in front of them.

Sage was sitting on the couch watching a reality show. She was laughing, which was beautiful to see, but, even better, she wasn't alone. Camille was near her and wearing a similar expression of enjoyment.

"Hey," he called out, the word escaping him with a relieved sigh. Sage's eyes snapped away from the television, spotting him immediately. She hopped up and rushed over, letting him sweep her up in a tight hug that lasted slightly longer than normal. "You didn't answer your phone," he complained sadly, wincing when Logan's palm connected with the back of his head in a form of punishment. Sage smiled apologetically, knowing that she had gone along with the small plan without Kendall's agreement. He smiled back effortlessly, finding it so easy when Sage was doing it.

"Oh, it was ringing off the hook when we were trying to talk, so I turned it on silent," Camille explained casually, smirking when she noticed the way Kendall ground his teeth.

"It's so nice to have you, Camille," he spoke sarcastically, rolling his eyes and settling his hand into one of Sage's.

"Why are you here?" Logan asked curiously before smile nervously and starting to stutter. "I m-mean, not that I'm not happy to see you, but I was j-just- "

"Logan, you should probably breathe before you pass out," Carlos interrupted with a giggle, running past his bashful friend to search for a snack in the fridge.

"Hi, Logan," Camille smiled sweetly, not acknowledging his embarrassment at all. She was used to it, and it was actually one of the things she found adorable about him. "I came to get a script of mine that James has, and I was just hanging out with Sage while I waited. You shouldn't have been keeping her all to yourself, Kendall… Very selfish…" she shook her head and sighed dramatically.

"Can you really blame me?" he argued jokingly, dropping a kiss to his girlfriend's cheek. Camille smiled affectionately and nodded.

"Come on, Cam. I'll get that script for you," James gestured for her to follow, chuckling when he watched her and Logan exchange a flirty glance before she walked down the hall with him. "I jotted down some notes on the last scene, but I didn't do much beyond that… I've been pretty busy, but we can go over it later on if you want," he offered helpfully, a little worried that he had let her down after offering his assistance long ago.

"It's fine, James. I understand. We can run through the scene whenever you get time," Camille smiled and followed him into his room, watching with amusement as he dug through his crowded desk for the thin blue booklet. "Things must have been really crazy around here with Sage's arrival," she commented thoughtfully, admiring a few of the hockey trophies and family photos on the shelves near the door.

James stiffened but did his best to cover it up. He wasn't sure of exactly what Sage had told Camille. He was assuming it wasn't the whole truth, and he didn't want to say the wrong thing and make it seem like Sage had blatantly lied to the friendly Camille. He wasn't too comfortable with lying to her either. He and the young actress had gotten close in the last few months, building a friendship on their common desire for stardom. James made singing his goal, but acting was always something that had interested him, and Camille was more than welcoming when he suggested they run through scenes together when she was preparing for an audition. It gave her experience in working with a partner and it helped James build up his knowledge for a possible future in film.

"Yeah, it's been a hell of a time, especially for Kendall," James spoke carefully, keeping his back to Camille as he moved a few more papers around on his desk.

"She seems really strong, though. I bet she'll be able to leave the apartment soon. Maybe she'll go shopping with me," Camille suggested enthusiastically, appearing thrilled about the idea.

"She might, but give it time, okay? She's got a lot going on, and she's still settling in… But you two got along well?" he wondered, grinning in triumph when he found the blue book and held it up in the air. He spun on his heels and handed it to Camille.

"We had a really good time. I promised her that I'd come back tomorrow after this audition I booked for a jewelry commercial and tell her how it went," she answered happily, thumbing through the booklet in her hands.

"That's great," James smiled and sighed, his words coming out softer than he expected.

Sage having support and company was good. She'd need everything she could get with the amount of stress she had in her life. Today went well, but things were only going to get harder. The more difficult parts of therapy were still to come.

* * *

"Carlos is going to be the one to touch you first in our little experiment because his build is the least intimidating. He's only slightly taller than you, and his skin tone is nowhere near Elliot's… It's all about the details," Logan spoke factually, his nerves jumping and making him speed up the pace of his words as he stared at an apprehensive Sage.

It had been several days since "therapy" began, but this was the first time that they were going to attempt physical contact that wasn't from Kendall. They had settled into a routine of going to work and school, leaving Sage behind, and they were all anxious to get the ball rolling on their next development. They wanted to reach the point where Sage could leave the apartment with them. Granted, there wouldn't be a magical cure that allowed her to do so in only a few short days, but they were all optimistic about progress.

"What's my job?" James asked tensely, his eyes on Sage as she leaned against the kitchen counter with all of her weight; her body feeling boneless and numb in anticipation of what they were about to try.

"Well, if this all plays out the way I think it will, then your job is to hold Kendall back," Logan told him sternly, his phrase being more directed at his blonde friend.

Kendall stood right beside Sage with his arms crossed, looking absolutely agitated and edgy. He knew that all of this was necessary, but he had laid down a few of his own rules. Being present for her therapy was one of them. Logan didn't want him to be around for this part, foreseeing his need to protect Sage from distress at all costs. He figured that Kendall would only interfere because he was what Sage really wanted when she was scared. He was the thing that calmed her irrational fears, but using him in that way was almost irrational itself. In the real world, Kendall couldn't always be there for her every second of every day. She needed to learn how to handle interaction on her own, whether it be someone brushing against her on the sidewalk or shaking her hand in greeting.

James nodded and gulped; his Adam's apple bobbing jerkily as he bit the inside of his cheek. He knew that he was the best one for the job of holding Kendall back in case things got intense, which they surely would, but he didn't like the idea of seeing his brother struggling and him being the one to cause the resistance.

"Are you sure that you want to do this today? We could wait until tomorrow if- "

"No, it won't be any better tomorrow. We might as well start now," Sage cut off Logan, understanding that he was only offering out of his own anxiousness and guilt. "I want to try this," she stated more firmly.

"O-Okay…" he murmured, wiping his sweaty palms on the thighs of his jeans. "To start, I need you to focus on me, alright? I don't even want you to think about Carlos if you can help it. Just look right at me and hear my voice… Kendall, go over there by James," Logan directed him strictly, pointing to where James stood near the entrance to the hallway.

"Why can't I stay right here?" he complained. He already knew the answer, but he still felt the need to battle Logan as much as he could before he gave in. His body was buzzing with tension for his girl.

"Sage, can you feel him even though he's not touching you, and is it making you calmer?" Logan asked matter-of-factly, the corner of his lips turned up in an exhausted smirk.

"Yes, and yes…" she admitted gloomily, really wishing that Kendall's comfort could stay with her but knowing that it defeated the purpose of this whole ordeal.

"That's why," Logan declared, jerking his head towards James again and watching a disgruntled Kendall dragging his feet on the journey to the boy.

James shifted around so that he stood in front of him and blocked his immediate path to Sage. He hoped that it was an unnecessary maneuver, but his gut was telling him that it wasn't.

"Now, as we do this, I want you to rate your fear on a scale of 1 – 10. Hopefully, we'll start to see that the number doesn't stay too high for too long," Logan stood in the middle of the lengthy distance between Kendall and Sage for good measure and motioned for Carlos to move closer to his side. "If you feel like you need to, you can still spell if that helps with the anxiety, okay?" he clarified carefully. After some discussion over the last few days, he had learned that Sage benefited from the spelling when her nerves got to be too much to handle, and he was praying that it would offer her some sort of security now.

"Y-Yeah…" she murmured shakily, rubbing the back of her neck in a useless attempt to make her muscles stop hurting.

"We're going to start now…" he warned them all, bracing himself with a deep breath that burned his lungs. "Carlos, can you walk up to her please?" he eyed his innocent friend with sympathy. The two of them had discussed this for days. The Latino knew he'd be the one in this position even before Sage agreed to it. He was the obvious choice. His demeanor was genuinely warm and friendly. Logically speaking, he posed the least amount of danger for her to perceive.

Carlos moved very slowly, just like Logan had gone over with him, and stepped up to Sage's side. There was a good six inches of space separating them, but she was already tense. Her eyes were shut before he could even exhale, and she was biting her lip so hard that Logan thought she might draw blood. Her entire frame instinctively leaned away from Carlos, but they could tell that she didn't even know she had done it. Her feet hadn't moved an inch.

"E-L-L-I-O-T," she spelled quietly, her voice almost so low that no one but Kendall could pick it up.

"Sage- "

"No talking," Logan scolded him, trying to sound forceful but ultimately failing when his face was full of turmoil.

Kendall was already pushing against James' back lightly, doing everything he could not to run over to his girlfriend. She was trying hard and so was he. Kendall huffed in annoyance but eventually nodded and let up some of the pressure he was putting on James.

"It's not Elliot, Sage… It's me," Carlos said softly, his tone wavering with every syllable as he looked to Logan for help. He wanted to step away. He hated making her feel like this.

"How bad is it?" Logan asked. Sage took longer than normal to respond, seeming to muddle through her own thoughts before she processed what Logan had said.

"Ten," she stated confidently. The word escaped in a rush as she inhaled sharply.

"Do you want to stop?" Logan inquired cautiously. From the beginning, he had told her that he'd give her multiple opportunities to slam on the brakes. This was one.

"N-No," she declined after several agonizing seconds of thought.

"You're doing really well, Sage," Logan encouraged her happily, keeping his tone soothing and soft. James was nodding even though she couldn't see him through her closed eyes, and Kendall was watching it all without blinking once. "Can you open your eyes and look at Carlos?"

She gasped at the request, the whole idea startling her. She could hardly fathom a male being near her, but actually seeing him would make it very real. Keeping her hands balled into tight fists, Sage cracked her eyes open and glanced sideways. She met Carlos' stare for just a moment, but it was so close to her face that she had to look down at her shoes.

"Good… Carlos, I want you to put your hand near her arm, but don't actually touch her yet," Logan instructed.

The new action made Sage wince as if she'd been struck. Her mind was completely racing, speeding faster than she thought possible when she could feel the heat of Carlos' body forearm like an unrelenting flame. It burned and ached, and it reminded her so much of the first time Elliot grabbed her in her bed.

"R-A-P-E."

"Logan, I can't," Carlos whimpered at her word, his eyes stinging with tears, but he didn't pull his hand back. He turned to Logan with a pleading expression, his breathing becoming almost as labored as Sage's.

"Yes, you can, buddy," James chimed in comfortingly. He thought Carlos was being incredibly brave.

"He's right, Carlos. We won't give up unless Sage wants us to, alright?" Logan told them all, taking an extra moment to lock eyes with Kendall. The boy looked like a caged animal, all of the fury building inside of him while he remained as still as his girlfriend. "Tell me what you're thinking, Sage," Logan commanded gently, glaring behind him when they were interrupted.

"I'll tell you what _**I'm**_ thinking," Kendall growled uncontrollably, finally trying to step around James when Sage let out a small sob.

"Kendall, zip it or I'm gonna have James show you the door," Logan fought in a fierce whisper, trying not to distract Sage while combating his friend. Kendall had begged him, nearly on his knees, to let him stay for this part of therapy, and he had given in out of weakness, but he wasn't going to let it happen if Kendall interfered too much. Sage wouldn't get anywhere with opposition.

"No way!" Kendall declared in a surprised outrage, like he hadn't really expected Logan to stay that hardheaded.

"Yeah, Logan… I'm not so sure that I could get in the middle of this even more…" James felt terrible watching the tears fall from Sage's eyes, knowing that he had the power to make them stop. If he let Kendall go, then they'd disappear.

"For Sage you can," it was Carlos' turn for encouragement, somehow finding his voice through the fog of guilt and pain clouding around him enough to make sure James knew this was right. James nodded slowly in agreement. Kendall huffed and struggled, but he didn't get far because of the hold his friend had on him as he spun around to keep a tight grip on his upper arm.

"Give me a number, Sage," Logan brought the focus back onto her.

"Nine," she answered unsteadily, feeling only the slightest bit less frightened than she had seconds ago.

"Okay… We're going to go farther now… Carlos is going to touch your arm. He's going to hold onto it," Logan told her, keeping his composure carefully crafted.

Sage inhaled sharply but nodded. James' hand tightened even more on Kendall, feeling the boy's entire body stiffen as if he was preparing to dart forward. Carlos hesitantly reached forward, and his fingers brushed Sage's skin. She keened at the sensation, her knees threatening to buckle, but she didn't tell him to stop. Carlos wrapped his fingers around her wrist, grabbing the back of his neck with his free hand to keep himself from cracking into a million pieces when Sage began crying relentlessly.

"Oh, god…" she sobbed and dropped to the ground.

"Let her go, Carlos!" Kendall ordered darkly, pushing violently against James, who was almost as distressed as them all. Logan looked slightly panicked, but his expression remained unruffled for the most part.

"Don't," he ordered Carlos. The boy stared at him in shock. His hold on Sage loosened even more, so much so that only the tips of his fingers touched her skin while he crouched beside her on the floor.

"Ten!" she yelled to no one in particular, rocking back and forth and keeping her eyes shut once again as tears fell down her face.

"Fuck! Get off of me, James!" Kendall struggled even harder, absolutely thrashing in James' arms as he stared at Sage. He wanted to make it stop. He didn't want her to cry anymore. She had already done it so much. "I'm warning you," he growled and elbowed him, but the boy's hold didn't let up.

"What should I do?" Carlos shouted in fear, unable to describe the way Sage was shaking beneath his hand. It was making him sick.

"I can't keep holding him, Logan!" James yelled loudly. Logan looked around at them all, feeling overwhelmed as to what he should do next.

Sage's cries were echoing in his ears, and he couldn't make his own head stop spinning.

"Shit," he groaned in anger, pulling at his hair.

Before he knew it, there was a dull thud of a fist connecting with bone. When he turned around James was holding the side of his face with one hand and Kendall's wrist with the other. Carlos gasped, letting go of Sage instinctively as he fell backwards on his ass amongst all the chaos. Kendall wiggled around in James' grasp, not fully registering the fact that he had punched him yet because of the way Sage's back was rising and falling violently as she held herself up with her arms on the floor.

Logan couldn't figure out what to do; who to stop first. Sage took over for him.

"F-A-M-I-L-Y."

The word was spelled slowly and shakily, each letter making the high volume in the room decrease until there was an unsettling silence. The only sound was everyone panting, no one's heart beating in a healthy rhythm. They all froze. Kendall stilled in James' arms, Logan stopped pacing when he realized that it was what he had been doing, and Carlos sat with his back against the kitchen counter a few feet beside Sage; having scooted over after falling down.

"What's your level now?" Logan asked her softly, his voice scratchy even though he wasn't the one doing all the yelling. Amazingly, Sage laughed a little, coughing when the lack of air in her lungs wouldn't let her finish the sound.

"Like a seven or eight… What's Kendall's?" she attempted another chuckle, trying to comprehend everything that was around her, which she was happy to realize didn't include Elliot. He had been in the forefront of her mind the entire time, but he started to fade when she heard the pandemonium occurring among her loved ones.

"I'm gonna answer for him with a ten," James moaned and rubbed his jaw. He was already thinking about how he was going to cover the bruise before he went out the next morning.

"Oh, crap! I'm sorry, James!" Kendall turned away from Sage once he understood that she was okay and stared at his brother's prized face with guilt. "I can't believe I hit you! Do you wanna hit me back?" he asked rapidly, turning the boy's head to get a good look at the red mark on his tan jawline.

"Nah, the ladies love a guy that's a little roughed up. I can totally work with a nice bruise," he joked, opening and shutting his mouth repeatedly to test out how sore he was.

"Was this good? Is this considered a success?" Carlos wondered nervously while donning an awkward smile.

Logan sighed, eyes widening before he cracked a smile of his own. He looked around the room and then decided to sit on the floor with Carlos and Sage, who had slowly started to raise herself up off of her hands and settle back into a more comfortable position. Her eyes only opened when Kendall approached carefully, lowering himself down beside her.

"I wouldn't call it a complete failure," Logan proclaimed optimistically. "I mean, we're all alive and unharmed."

James scoffed and grunted as he sat down beside him so that all five of them were lounging on the floor in the middle of the apartment. Logan started to inspect the bruise, wanting to get up and get ice for his friend but feeling so exhausted that he wasn't sure he could use his legs. The entire group looked about the same; close to sleep or tears of relief while they continued to fight for the steady intake of air. Progress was in sight, but this was still way more difficult than Logan thought it would be.

"We've still got a lot of work to do."

* * *

**A/N: Logan said it all ;) Did you guys enjoy Camille here? This was just her intro; there's more from her in the future (and it doesn't just involve Sage :)**

*******I'd just like to point out that, despite what I depict here, I encourage the practice of licensed therapy. In fact, I hope that no one in reality actually tries what these five are doing. People like Sage would ideally seek professional help. Therapy is never anything to be ashamed or scared of. :) However, this is fiction, and nothing is ever perfect :) ********

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this chapter :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I'm always grateful for any and all feedback :)… Oh, and the website has made some changes, and I can't respond to reviews unless it is through private messaging. So, if you have that disabled, that's why you haven't heard from me as a response to reviews :( but I just want to say THANK YOU to all of my reviewers/readers regardless :) **


	37. Big Time Baby Steps

**A/N: For some reason, I'm really in love with this chapter. We see some Logan/Sage, and I enjoyed writing it. Let me know what you thought of it :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**Take a look: **_Surfergal23_**'s amazing Kendall/OC story, Hooked. It's lovely and dark :)**

**And remember to give Something to Sleep to by **_so-complicated_** a look too! :) It's just starting, but it's going to be fantastic :)**

**On with PTS! :D Please, enjoy and review :) **

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 37: BIG TIME BABY STEPS_

* * *

"I hate when he makes us do this," James crossed his arms, let out a huff, and stared at a tinted image through his sunglasses of Carlos sulking in the pool.

The younger boy had his chin resting on an inflatable tube, his hands gripping it tightly as he bobbed in the water and looked back up at James, who was on one of the lounge chairs. He only wore a pair of orange swim trunks. He originally had the intention of tanning, but he couldn't enjoy the sun like he normally would have a month ago. His heart wasn't in it, even if it meant not maintaining his already flawless appearance.

"It never gets any easier," James added with a sigh, furiously scratching at an itch on his collar bone that Carlos was sure didn't exist anywhere other than in his mind because of his obvious agitation.

"It's easier on us than it is on Kendall," Carlos commented thoughtfully. Although he tried to sound helpful, his uncomfortable tone told them both that he was upset too. James tilted his head slowly, his lips in a tight line as a form of silent but reluctant agreement. His shoulders slouched, but his arms and legs remained crossed as he and Carlos both gazed up at the window to their apartment longingly.

It had been two weeks since the therapy for Sage started with Logan and the rest of them, and she had been responding very well. Her threshold was getting higher, becoming more tolerant of Carlos' close proximity every time he prepared to make planned contact with her. He was able to wrap his hand securely around her wrist for a fully thirty seconds now before she got fidgety and had difficulty coping unless she spelled or talked it out. She still had to work on the constant feeling of being trapped and victimized. Progress was slow, but all that mattered was that she was becoming more adept at dealing with her nerves instead of letting them control her. With practice, things were much easier with Carlos, who was the only person other than Kendall to touch her so far in the therapy sessions.

Sage was also handling being alone better than Logan could have hoped. She didn't protest or seem terribly upset to the point of Kendall thinking that he absolutely needed to stay anymore. They went to the studio to work with Gustavo and Kelly, and Sage remained home in the apartment. Actually getting out of it, and being around strangers, would have to be approached later. For now, she was still getting used to feeling comfortable by herself without Kendall. She was learning to form her own way of living and having relationships, which included Camille a few days a week when the boys were out. The young actress, without any provocation, made it a point to spend time with Sage. They enjoyed each other's company, quickly forming a close friendship that wasn't built on the angst that had consumed Sage's life. Camille was an innocent girl with a bright personality, but she wasn't naïve. She could tell that something else was going on with her new friend other than agoraphobia, but she never pried. Her easygoingness was one of her best qualities, and she knew that she'd understand more as time continued and Sage opened up.

Time was the most important factor lately. Sage needed time to adjust. They were trying to lengthen the amount of time she could handle having Carlos touch her. It was often guesswork when it came to determining how much time she could stay asleep without a nightmare ruining the peace, and now Logan was attempting to make any free time they had useful; trying to help everyone and not just Sage.

For the past month of her being there, the boys rarely left the apartment unless it was necessary. It was becoming unhealthy for them and Sage. They were beginning to rely on her presence just as much as she was theirs. Distance was key, and Logan was being responsible and enforcing it. Multiple times a week, he'd try to leave the apartment for recreation and forced James and Carlos to do it too. Kendall was a little harder to push, but he was willing to comply if it meant doing what was best for his family.

"It feels wrong not being up there when we know she's going to be upset," Carlos commented, speaking what they both felt aloud. James nodded solemnly and removed his sunglasses from his eyes, shifting them to the top of his head so that they nestled in his brown hair.

Sage was currently having a therapy session with Logan. During those times, the five of them were usually together; taking the tears and anguish as a team. Now it was just Sage and her "therapist" for a little while after Logan insisted it would be good for them all.

"It's like we're abandoning her," James pouted. His hazel eyes still lingered on the window to the apartment. There was nothing he could see, but he kept feeling like he'd miss something if he didn't look; like he'd be able to stop the negative feelings Sage was surely having beyond the pane of glass if he stared at it hard enough.

Carlos seemed to have a similar idea, hardly looking at James because his eyes were glued to the second floor, but he was handling it a bit better. He was the first to break the trance and stare at the water he swam in instead. He had gotten pretty good at taking everything in stride.

"We should go back up," James declared loudly. He scooted down to the edge of his lounge chair closest to the pool, planting his feet on the smooth cement beneath him while Carlos laughed lightly and rolled his eyes.

"First of all, that's the fourth time you've said that," he settled into a smirk and swam over to the side of the pool, only leaving a yard or two between him and his friend. "Second of all, you know Logie's just gonna give us the boot if we do go up there… It's only been twenty minutes…" he reminded James, frowning when the boy's eyes widened.

"That's it?" he yelled in frustration, whining and throwing his hands in the air. They fell heavily as his body went limp and he dramatically fell back onto the lounge chair so that Carlos could only see his legs from where he floated in the pool.

They had over an hour left of mandatory time that they were instructed to be out of the apartment. Kendall was supposed to be with them right now, but it was understandable that he was a little slow in his departure and saying goodbye to Sage.

"I know this is hard, but Logan said that it's best for all of us," Carlos argued weakly, desperately trying to remember that he needed to support Logan. The other two stubborn boys were a bit harder to convince some of the time.

"Logan's an ass," James grumbled while sitting back up. His sunglasses fell onto the chair behind him, but he didn't seem to notice or care. He slid his body out of his seat and closed the small distance between him and Carlos, carelessly flopping down and dipping his legs into the pool; kicking them through the water slowly.

"You don't mean that. You're just being dramatic," Carlos grinned, splashing James' dry upper body playfully.

"Maybe I am," his words gave a halfhearted agreement, but his strong nod told Carlos that he knew he was agreeing completely. "I miss her, though. It feels wrong to just desert her… like we're letting her down," he whispered, not liking the idea of disappointing one of the very few people that he truly cared about.

"I get it, man. It's like she's _**our**_ girlfriend," Carlos moped, laying his arms on the pavement at the edge of the pool and resting his head on them while looking up at James. He was smiling down at him, laughing at what he liked to call "Carlos-logic."

"Yeah," he concurred with a chuckle, understanding his friend's meaning, "but don't let Kendall hear you say that, especially if you're gonna link my name to it. I already got hit once," he joked dryly, absentmindedly lifting a hand to rub at the healed skin on his jaw.

"Wow," Carlos' eyebrows rose towards his hair line as he pulled away from the pool's side and grabbed at the inflatable tube again to lean on while watching James, who was furrowing his own brow in confusion.

"What?" his expression got more strained, hating it almost as much as Carlos did when he felt like he wasn't getting something.

"You're improving. That comment would have normally come with a whole parade of sexual jokes," Carlos smirked, thinking about all of the dirty things he'd ever heard from his sex-crazed friend. Now he handed a golden opportunity to him with the topic of them being Sage's boyfriends, and he denied it without a thought.

"Well, she's one of us now… and I may or may not love her very much," James admitted sheepishly. Love didn't mean anything sexual for him. It was never something he connected to his usual relationships with females. It meant something more important; something different. It meant family and friendship. To him, there was nothing romantic or sexual about love.

"Speaking of relationships," Carlos segued slyly, knowing that James wasn't going to last long on a really serious subject, "You haven't had a date in a while," he commented innocently, but he was hinting at something more, and James reacted in his classically defensive way.

"You haven't had a solid date since Roselynn fucked and dumped you," he snapped back, immediately regretting his words as soon as they left his mouth when he saw Carlos stop moving in the water.

"I'd get pissed, but I know you're only being a bitch because you're upset," he growled, giving James a glare of warning while he tried not to scowl.

"I'm sorry, Carlitos," James groaned and kicked his legs extra hard in the water as he gripped the edge of the pool in both of his hands so fiercely that his tan knuckles whitened. He despised himself for his lack of compassion sometimes. He was just glad it that existed at all for the special people he let into his life. "I guess I'm kind of irritated about not getting with any chicks lately. Usually, I'd have at least two a week… I'm feeling off…" his lips turned down into a frown as he swiveled his shoulders like the action could right his body and mind again.

"Why haven't you been going out? Any girl here would say yes," Carlos gestured around the area, shrugging apologetically when he realized that he used a bad example.

The pool was uninhabited except for them and a few other kids, none of which were their age. It was a Saturday, and the older teenagers of the Palm Woods were roaming the town; most likely heading to the beach because of the overly warm weather. Normally, James and Carlos would have tagged along in an instant, but they didn't have the urge for fun outside of the apartment lately. When they put distance between themselves and Sage, they could feel it like a nagging tug on their chests. They could almost understand why Kendall had been in physical pain at her absence in the beginning of his year without her. Granted, it wasn't nearly as bad with them, but it was there.

"My mind hasn't been on sex, which is weird… Oh, god! What if I'm broken?" James shrieked and placed his hands over his abdomen and chest, moving them jerkily as if he could detect something wrong.

"I'm sure you're working fine," Carlos laughed at his friend and placed his chin on the inflatable tube in front of him in deep thought. "Maybe you're evolving. You know, into someone who doesn't think about sex a million times a day," he offered optimistically. He almost sounded impressed with James.

"Don't joke about things like that!" the boy squealed, detesting the idea of changing. He liked who he was.

Well, most of the time he did.

"Besides, I'm not _**evolving**_," he spat the word out like he was sick and gave Carlos a stern glare as if to order him not to argue. "I'm just on a break… I'll be back to my brilliant and lady-killing ways in no time," he smiled suavely and looked very proud of himself, puffing out his chest as he thought of getting back in the game. "But, right now, the only lady on my mind is Sage. At least, the only _**real**_ girl on my mind is Sage. I have plenty of others in my… imagination," he wagged his eyebrows suggestively, hinting about his solo nighttime activities.

Carlos normally would have laughed or shoved him, but he wasn't even looking at James. At the mention of Sage, his eyes went back up to the window. They were locked in a mix of emotions. James could see concern, but there was sadness weaved in too.

"What's wrong, buddy?" his voice was soft as he leaned forward to rest his arms on his thighs in an attempt to get closer to Carlos.

"Do you think she hates me?" his words came out in a whisper, vulnerable and pained. He looked away from the window and back at James, who was shaking his head so hard his neck should have hurt.

"Sage would never ever hate you… No one can hate you," he started stern, but an air of playfulness crept in towards the end. "Why would you even think that?" he wondered in astonishment.

Carlos wasn't the type to worry about things too much unless they were really bothering him, and he certainly didn't go around thinking people hated him. He still needed more confidence in himself, but surely his self-esteem hadn't plummeted that low.

James bit his lip and made a mental note to keep a closer eye on his friend.

"I'm the one who hurts her. I'm the one who makes her cry," Carlos explained gloomily, thinking of every tear that slipped down her face because of his physical role in therapy.

"Elliot makes her cry, not you. You're helping her, Carlos… She knows that," James explained softly, not wiping the strict look off of his face until he saw the sad boy nod in acceptance. "You're really brave for doing it, man… I'm kinda freaked about it being my turn soon…"

Logan had been planning the upgrade for a while, noticing that Sage was getting more comfortable with Carlos lately. She was becoming accustomed to his build and presence. James would be something new, something more threatening because of his height and stronger muscular stature. He had been mentally preparing for it ever since Logan discussed it with him. He agreed immediately to help, of course, but he wasn't sure how he would handle it if Sage cried beneath his touch. He didn't think it was possible, but he had even more respect for Carlos ever since therapy started. James couldn't imagine being the one to have gone first.

"You'll be fine," Carlos took his turn reassuring his friend, happily engaging in their tit-for-tat relationship. "You're James Diamond," he announced the name like he was giving an award. "I thought that meant you could do anything…" he smirked, knowing that James was going to accept the challenge if his capability was questioned.

"It does!" James declared loudly, his characteristic bravado shining through and replacing any doubt like the flip of a switch. "I almost forgot how amazing I was," he widened his eyes and laughed at himself conceitedly like the idea was the silliest thing in the world. Carlos held back his own laughter, which wanted to bubble up for different reasons. Most thought James' cocky attitude was annoying, but Carlos had always found it amusing. It was just a part of who his friend was, and it made the warmer moments between them more important.

"Yeah, you're awesome," Carlos grinned and then splashed a bunch of water at James, effectively soaking his carefully styled brunette locks. The swimming teen shrugged and held his hands up at his sides with his palms facing the sky as if he couldn't have helped it. James sat completely still, water dripping off of his long eyelashes as he squinted.

"This means war," he declared calmly. There was a moment of silence between them, Carlos' eyes widening slightly in anticipation right before James launched out of his sitting position and grabbed him by the shoulders. The two boys submerged themselves in the pool, starting a spirited wrestling match. They swallowed chlorinated water without a care, laughing and pushing their way in and out of the water, all worries forgotten for a few sweet moments.

* * *

"Will you be okay if I leave you alone so I can talk to Logan outside for a minute?" Kendall asked apprehensively, staring at Sage while biting the inside of his cheek.

She looked up from where she sat by the computer at the desk behind the couch, studying her boyfriend like he had grown a second head. His question was ridiculous because she had spent time by herself nearly every day for two weeks. Being alone wasn't new to her now, but she still thought he was sweet for asking. She smiled at him and shook her head faintly.

"I love you!" she called out melodically, rolling her eyes and waving to him before turning her attention back to the computer to finish up an online chat she was having with Katie.

They talked as much as they could since Sage found out that she knew the truth behind her year away. She had to make sure that Katie was both behaving herself and accepting it all easier than Kendall was. The last thing she wanted was for the girl she considered her little sister to be traumatized by what had happened. She reassured the preteen whenever she had the opportunity.

Kendall sighed and smiled at her, silently loving that she had been getting her spunk back more and more each day. She was becoming who she used to be; who she deserved to be.

"You're definitely making it easier for her to part with you," Logan spoke, already heading for the door so they could talk privately in the hallway. "No one likes a clinger," he sang out teasingly as he grabbed the handle. They heard Sage giggle behind them, making Kendall huff and shove Logan into the hall.

"Shut up," he grumbled, reaching back to shut the door behind them once they stepped outside of the apartment, "… and stop listening to James' dating advice," he added dryly, knowing that Logan probably would have never used such a word if it weren't for their promiscuous friend.

Logan just gave him a lopsided grin and nodded, folding his arms and casually leaning against the wall.

"What did you want to talk about?" he inquired calmly, trying to act nonchalant when he was actually wary about the discussion in the first place. He wasn't sure what it would consist of if Kendall didn't want to have it in front of Sage.

"I wanted to, uh… apologize…" Kendall murmured nervously. Logan's defensive stance softened completely. "I'm sorry I've been hard on you, and that I'm making everything difficult… I know you're doing your best… You're doing better than me," he added with an uncomfortable laugh. "I remember when I took care of you," he smiled affectionately at Logan, who sighed and rolled his eyes.

"You still do…" he admitted, silencing Kendall. Logan may have been emerging as a leader, but he was only capable of doing it because of the things he learned from his strong friend. "Anyway, you already apologized, and I forgave you, so-"

"I keep feeling like I should say it more often. I mess up a lot," Kendall insisted, reaching a hand up to rub at the back of his neck to ease the tension that had made its home there. "All you do is help us, and I'm so grateful for you, Logie," he exhaled wearily and leaned against the wall opposite of Logan. The weight on his shoulders felt like it was trying to push him down to the ground, so he pressed them harder into the wall. "I feel like an asshole all the time, arguing with you and fighting about everything…"

"You're only fighting because you care about Sage. I knew that when this all started… I prepared myself for it," Logan waved a hand through the air in dismissal.

"But you shouldn't have had to. I didn't need to act the way I did. You've been doing so good with her, and it's making things better… I should have listened to you from the start," he declared with a short, bitter laugh.

"Duh," Logan teased, "I_** am**_ the genius," he smiled and tapped a finger against his temple.

"You're a lot more too," Kendall insisted quietly. "Thanks for stepping up when I didn't," he proclaimed his gratitude, something he was always going to have for his friends. They took care of him and Sage when he was just a moment away from failing.

"You're welcome," Logan said, not feeling like he needed to seek gratitude but accepting it anyway because of Kendall's stubbornness. "And don't worry about you and me. No one can stay mad at you, Kendall. It's part of your charm," he grinned and shook his head.

"Do you think she'll be ready for more soon?" Kendall asked suddenly, thinking about one of the reasons Logan was going to have a private session with Sage. Yes, it was so she didn't become too dependent on all of them being there, but it was also so he could work with her one-on-one and prepare her for something she and Kendall had talked about with him.

They wanted to try to use the bed again; something that Sage hadn't even been able to dabble in yet. Logan couldn't be there for it. It was something she and Kendall would have to work through on their own, but he would help in any way he could. He wanted to prepare her for what may happen to her physically and mentally when they attempted to lie on the furniture.

"Don't worry, buddy," Logan started happily as he moved towards the door, "I'll have you and your girl back in bed in no time," he winked and laughed at his own joke, making Kendall pinch the bridge of his nose.

"No, really, stop hanging out with James," he begged lightheartedly, watching Logan place his hand on the door. Kendall knew he wasn't supposed to go back in with him. He had already stayed too long. "Tell her I love her, okay?" he requested anxiously, biting at his bottom lip and shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

"You wanna write a poem for her that I should recite too?" Logan teased, trying to ease the tension his friend was feeling.

"I'm leaving now, jerk," Kendall smirked and punched the brunette's shoulder as he walked past him.

Logan laughed and studied Kendall as he reluctantly moved down the hall towards the elevators. He watched him until he was out of sight and heading to the lobby to meet up with Carlos and James. Logan stepped back into the apartment, swinging the door shut behind him without locking it.

"Your boyfriend says that he loves you as much as the sun is hot, and he wants you to have his babies," Logan called out to Sage with a smirk while strolling into the kitchen to grab a bottle of orange fruit water.

"The usual?" Sage joked back, shaking her head and trying not to miss Kendall as much as her body was telling her to as she got up from the desk with weak legs.

"Yup," Logan laughed, circling the counter to walk into the living room with Sage.

"So, what's on the agenda, Doc?" she sighed, falling down onto the couch. She immediately began twirling her pendant. Logan had quickly learned that it meant she was missing Kendall.

"If you're going to start to tackle your bed issue, then you might have a panic attack," he admitted gently, moving in front of her at the coffee table. His proximity was close, and she tensed, but she relaxed when he lowered down to the floor; putting himself beneath her so that it didn't feel like he was towering over her dangerously. "I'm not going to be there, and Kendall can probably calm you down pretty easily, but I wanted to teach you how to breathe properly."

"I don't do that now?" she laughed and curled her legs under her body so that they weren't too close to Logan.

Just being near him had her skin tingling in an unpleasant way, especially since she was wearing shorts and felt more exposed, but there was also an undercurrent of comfort too. She knew it was Logan, the boy who helped her right from day one, her friend; a part of her family now. She could mentally trust him, and her body would start to also.

"You breathe fine," he smiled. "It's just that most people don't do it correctly when they're panicking. Most of the time we bring air into our lungs high up here," he informed her, pushing his palm against his chest a little below his neck, "but it's better when we inhale it here," he slid his hand down to his stomach and pushed for emphasis. "If the air fills the lower half of your lungs, the oxygen is given to your body better, and your heart rate will slow. You'll relax easier and quicker… You wanna try?"

She took in his words and nodded immediately, not seeing the harm.

"It'll work best if you lie down," he told her cautiously, fiddling with the bottle of fruit water in his hands, which he never even opened. He knew that she wouldn't like the vulnerable position.

"O-Okay," she murmured shakily and spun her body around slowly. Her legs stretched out and her head rested on the orange cushion closest to the door. "Now what?" she wondered softly, turning her head so that her cheek touched the couch and she could see Logan clearly beside her. He looked like he wanted to reach out and instruct her by using his hands, but he knew better and kept them gripped tightly on the bottle in his lap.

"You need to breathe into your diaphragm, not your chest… Put a hand on your stomach," he waited for her to follow the order and watched as her palm smoothed over the material of her shirt; making sure the placement was correct. "Alright, this may not feel like much right now, but we're doing this so you'll know how to do it when your anxiety gets too high... Just inhale through your nose slowly, and then exhale through your mouth even slower. Don't worry about doing anything too quick, just focus on the air… You should feel your stomach rise higher than your chest…"

Sage nodded and breathed in deeply like he told her and held it for a moment, feeling her abdomen rise beneath her hand before exhaling with a long gust of air past her lips. She looked to Logan to make sure she was doing it right.

"Good. Keep going," he urged her on with a gentle smile and kept his eyes on her stomach to make sure it was rising properly as she breathed carefully. As long as she focused, it seemed to be easy for her. He just hoped she'd remember how to do it when it counted the most.

"I think I'm getting dizzy," she chuckled and stopped, looking up at the high ceiling for a second.

"Getting lightheaded is normal. It means you should take a break," Logan reassured her. He laughed lightly when she nodded only to blink in confusion when the movement made the disorientation worse. "We'll practice this a few times a day. I'll try to keep the timing regular, but we'll have to work around my studio and school schedule sometimes," he informed her casually, finally taking a sip of his water to calm his own nerves. He always felt uneasy when he was pushing her to do something new; like he was worried that it would fail and he'd let her down.

"I'm sorry for being an inconvenience," Sage mumbled, wanting to say the words for a while now. Logan choked on his water and stared at her in shock. He never wanted her to feel like that. "All I ever do is trouble you guys," she added forlornly. She felt like a burden to the once happy unit of four. They were in Hollywood, having the time of their lives pursuing stardom together, and Sage almost felt like she had interrupted it.

"You never have, and you never will," Logan declared sternly, setting the bottle down on the table once he wiped the water from his lips.

"You sound so sure," Sage frowned and rolled onto her side so that she was facing Logan, their heads closer than she would have normally been comfortable with.

"And you keep sounding like you think so little of yourself… Give yourself more credit, Sage," he pleaded kindly. "Sure, life kind of changed when you got here, but it's what we were hoping for. We wanted you with us before any of this even happened. We talked about you being in Sherwood too… You're just part of our plan," he smiled and shrugged, pivoting a little so that one of his legs stretched out towards the couch and the other stayed nestled by his body. He propped himself up with and elbow on the coffee table.

"But I don't think you were bargaining for a damaged girl," she fought feebly and spun to rest on her side completely with an arm beneath her head. Logan sighed and gave her a light smile.

"We're not just one thing… You're not just a damaged girl… I'm not just a wannabe doctor in a boy band," he stopped when she smiled, but then he softened. He was about to hit the nail on the head, and point out what he knew was bothering her; the root of all her problems. "And Elliot? Elliot wasn't just a monster," he paused only when she flinched and bit her lip, but she didn't ask him to stop. "He's a man that loved you. He hit you, hurt you, tortured you, and then he was kind and took care of you when you were at your lowest… There's no right way to respond to that… There's no logical way to deal with it, but you made it… You're here…"

Sage's eyes were distant, almost looking right through him before she blinked back into reality and scanned the limited surroundings she could from her position on the couch. Her body curled in on itself a bit, her knees moving towards her torso.

"Sometimes it feels like that's all I am… Just here," she admitted, gesturing around the apartment; the apartment that she never left and just existed in. She didn't know who she was anymore a lot of the time, especially when Kendall wasn't around to keep her grounded.

"Trust me, you're so much more," Logan stayed warm, trying not to falter and panic when he could literally see depression battling the logic behind her eyes. "You're Sage. You're my best friend, you're my sister… You're part of our family… Focus on that. Focus on who you want to be, not who you were forced to be."

"They mix together sometimes," she told him sadly, her eyes becoming distant again. Her memories of Elliot were flooding back, twisting and turning; warping to become something she wasn't sure really happened. Her whole life was surreal. She had gone through things that she never knew could occur, and her reactions weren't what she thought they would have been.

"You really cared about him, didn't you?" Logan asked, already knowing the answer.

"I did," she sighed and groaned, "and it still makes no sense to me why… Sometimes I think of the way he was before, when he hit me and brutalized me and r-raped me," she stumbled over her speech and took a second to breathe deeply like Logan had just taught her.

The dreaded word was getting easier to say, but it still surprised her when she heard it, especially when it came from her own mouth. It was something she had never thought she would encounter. Before Kendall, she had gotten used to being invisible; not wanted negatively or positively.

"I get scared of those images; the ones of me hitting the ground or being h-held down… They're what keep me here, hidden and filled with anxiety. They're the strongest thoughts I have, but there are others…"

As she thought about them, the memories flooded and filled her like ice water being dumped over her head followed by molten liquid; effectively shocking her system into confusion and immobility before she could muddle through it all.

"Keep breathing," Logan whispered a reminder. He could sense the fear of these new emotions easily. He could see that it was stronger than she believed. It held far more weight than she admitted to.

She did as he said, focusing on his voice and the way the air steadily filled her lungs as she inhaled and passed smoothly over her lips in the slow exhale. She blinked and tried to speak again. Rising up on her elbow, she stared right at Logan and tried not to be bothered by how close he felt. It was getting easier.

"Other times, I think of Elliot when he'd smile or be nice to me; when he was being _**normal**_, and I could just- " she cut herself off with a frustrated huff as she bit her lip and refocused. "He was human to me then. He was someone different, someone who wasn't the guy that hurt me… He wasn't my stepfather. He was Elliot, my f-friend," she struggled with the word because it didn't feel right. No one term ever fit Elliot.

She felt idiotic, but Logan just nodded. If she were having this discussion with Kendall, he might've had something to say; something that would have made her feel guilty without any intent to do so. However, Logan was different. He was a true listener and confidant, never jumping to conclusions and constantly searching for comprehension. She could connect to him in a way that she desperately needed right now. She needed someone that didn't make her feel anything but comfortable with what she said or felt. Her new family all offered those same feelings of care, but each gave it in different ways.

Kendall made her feel comfortable and open, but he naturally came with baggage of the past because he could see right through her and offer protection that she had trouble denying even if it was better to do so for both of their sanities. She had to reject that during her recovery. She couldn't take the simple way out or the fix would have no chance of being permanent.

James had a way of making her relax and feel on edge at the same time. He was intimidating at first. His tall stance and cocky personality came off as slightly abrasive to her with one glance. He was a classic player, and untrustworthy male, until you really dug inside. It actually wasn't as difficult as she thought it was going to be. James had a lot of walls, but they weren't made of steel. They were soft and pliable, bending and morphing with light touches and urging. He was more open and warm than the average onlooker gave him credit for, and the fact that he let Sage see that side of him made it easy for her to feel love towards the dynamic boy.

Carlos was innately loveable before birth, his parents showering him with affection even in the womb by way of soft songs and caresses. He was literally made to be caring and captivating, whether most of his peers saw it or not. He was innocent and genuine, yet could read the darker parts of life like the back of his hand if it affected the people closest to him. He had a subtle way of sacrificing himself for those select few, an act which never went unnoticed or without gratitude. That was why Sage could trust him. He was easy to be around because he honestly wanted to be there. Maybe it was obligation, but he took that upon himself out of an amazing sense of warmth in his heart. Carlos welcomed her into his life so effortlessly, with no questions or hassle, and she did the same in return. Something like that used to be difficult for her, having been let down by everyone before she met Kendall, but Carlos made it so simplistic.

"All of that is understandable," Logan insisted tenderly. "You're not crazy, Sage… You just have to move on, and you're doing really well so far," he told her happily, thinking of all her slow but steady progress.

"How do you do it?" she asked randomly, sitting up in her seat so that she could look down at Logan.

"What?" he titled his head in confusion.

"Keep going? How do you pretend that _**you're**_ okay?" she inquired further. Logan tore his eyes off of her and glanced at the carpet beneath his body, wondering how she could see him so clearly.

"Who says I'm not?" he sounded defensive, but the emotion was weak.

"You're scared, Logan. Probably almost as scared as I am, but you're so good at hiding it," she fiddled with her fingers in her lap, searching his face like it could give her answers. He sighed and let his walls down.

"It takes practice and a strong will… one I didn't think I even had before you got here," he admitted tiredly, running a hand through his dark hair.

"What changed?" she sat forward further and rested her forearms on her legs.

"I, uh… It was seeing you so terrified and fragile… I was there once a l-long time a-ago," he mumbled uneasily, using the breathing technique on his own nervous body.

"You don't have to talk about it," Sage's eyes widened, not thinking that she had zoned in that well on Logan enough to know that they had more in common that he admitted to before.

"No, I think I should," Logan's tone changed, becoming more confident. "The guys have tried with me, but I never want to burden them."

"And you can't possibly burden me any more than I already am," she smirked and nodded at his logic.

"Exactly," Logan agreed with a smile and then quieted down, thinking about the memories he always pushed away and ignored; labeling them with less significance than they really held. He had addressed them more than ever in the last year, but it probably wasn't as much as he should have. "I was a v-victim too, I guess…" the word hurt him, and that was how he knew for a fact that Sage didn't like it either. Sympathy washed over her eyes as soon as he said it. "My dad hit me a few times when I was a little kid and he got high… He was a respected doctor and a great father, but then he developed a drug problem…"

Sage didn't say that she was sorry because she knew that it wouldn't help, but Logan still knew that she was sorry for what he went through just as much as he was sorry for her circumstances. Pity was fine, but it didn't get them anywhere by itself.

"Is he in jail?"

"No," Logan laughed emotionlessly.

It wasn't because he wanted Patrick in jail, but because he and his mother had never made him accountable for his actions; just like how Sage was letting karma take care of Elliot. It had worked out for the Mitchells. Patrick grew and learned, but it didn't happen until after he destroyed pieces of himself, and Logan was discovering how to love him again and offer forgiveness. That was why he never fought Sage on seeking out Elliot for legal justice. He understood that it was a personal decision. It was something she had to choose for herself, and actually getting a choice was liberating after her experience, whether she realized it or not.

"He's in North Carolina with a new wife. They run a restaurant. He can't do much else after he lost his medical license and had a few run-ins with the law," Logan explained simply. He already came to terms with his father's past without him, and he just tried to be happy that he knew him again; that he got a second chance.

"Do you hate him?" Sage's voice was so small that he barely heard it.

"Do you hate Elliot?" he shot back immediately.

"Not as much as everyone thinks I should," she twirled her pendant again between her thumb and forefinger.

"My answer's the same," he told her calmly with a shrug. She smiled, not feeling like so much of an outcast anymore.

"I bet Kendall loves that," she grinned, nothing but sarcasm dripping from her dialogue. Logan nodded with a weary grin.

"We've fought about it before, and James joined in too, but I actually ended up reuniting with my dad anyway. We're sorta friends now, and he's responsible for me being able to help you," he spoke with a full smile, thinking of his father. Patrick turned out to be a better man than he thought; a man that was remorseful and willing to earn forgiveness rather than just ask for it.

"Thank him for me," Sage smiled and stopped messing with her necklace. Her hands dropped into her lap and one finger absentmindedly traced the scar on her thigh.

"I'll do that," Logan laughed lightly, feeling accomplished. He got Sage to open up, and he did as well. Their relationship was strengthening by the day, and it could only benefit them both.

"So," Sage's voice had him cautiously staring at her. She sounded like Kendall when he was about to talk him into something reckless, like scheming to moon the opposing team at their last big hockey game. "Since we're both kind of on similar boats, maybe, if I'm making some changes, you should too," she lifted a thin eyebrow and quirked her lips into a smirk that her boyfriend would be proud of.

"How?" Logan whined. "What are you thinking?"

"Don't freak out, Logan. It's nothing huge," she laughed and shook her head from side to side, and Logan was really starting to believe that she and Kendall were literally made to go to together. "I just think you should ask Camille out on a date," she added sweetly.

"That's a big deal!" he groaned and grabbed his water bottle. He began to furiously rip at the label.

"Not as big as you're making it out to be. Why are you so afraid of giving her a chance? She _**adores **_you. She would say yes to you in a heartbeat," Sage smiled gently, but Logan didn't look at her.

"I know," he mumbled and stopped tearing at the paper around the bottle.

"You don't like her?" Sage wondered, struggling to figure out what the problem could be.

"Of course I do!" Logan argued loudly, looking embarrassed by his volume before settling back down. "I've never really asked anyone out before, and I'm pretty sure that first date will lead to another… I've never had a real girlfriend. I don't know what to do or how to act," he admitted nervously, his cheeks flushing lightly.

"Just act like Logan. She doesn't want anyone else," Sage grinned, seeing him breaking down a bit. Camille was going to freak out on her, in the best way possible, if she had successfully gotten Logan to stop being an "idiotic boy"; Camille's words, not hers.

"Fine."

"You're gonna do it? When?" Sage leaned forward even more, not seeming to mind the close proximity anymore. Her smile was bright and full, and it made Logan roll his eyes.

"Now you choose to act like a teenage girl?" he scoffed teasingly.

"Hey! I've never had a girlfriend either, okay? We're doing this together," she folded her arms in triumph and thought about her newly acquired friend. Camille made her happy by just being a fresh and loving presence in her life, and she wanted to do anything she could to return the small favor she unknowingly gave her.

"You're lucky I'm not James. You'd be hearing a whole slew of threesome suggestions right now," he grinned and climbed off of the floor while Sage let out a good-natured laugh.

"So, when are you gonna do it? Tomorrow? _**Today**_?" she suggested giddily, following him towards the kitchen.

"I- uh, maybe next-"

"You have a week," she stated firmly, fighting off a smile as she leaned against the counter and watched him pivot on his heels before reaching the fridge across from it.

"I have a limit?" he asked with a sly grin, knowing what she was doing after a moment of thought.

"You give me some every day. I figured it was time for me to help _**you**_," she shrugged and smiled.

"Only a week…You're picking all of this shit up too fast," he grumbled without fighting her on the time and started to search the refrigerator for sandwich supplies. The guys were due back very soon, and they would most likely be arriving right on the dot with Kendall in the lead.

"I'm progressing, Logie. These are good things," she reminded him cunningly, a teasing quality to her voice. His hand stopped midair as he was reaching for the mustard when she used his nickname for the first time. It made him warm and content. She was getting more comfortable, and that meant the world to them all.

* * *

"Is it almost over?" Sage asked through clenched teeth. Her left leg was bouncing, and she squirmed in her chair relentlessly. Carlos' hand on her felt like a dull fire, trying to get her to flinch away from the pain, but she didn't want to give up. She was struggling to keep the fear in the back of her mind rather than the front.

"You still have another forty seconds until we're at a full minute," Logan informed her after checking his watch. He examined her carefully from across the table, where both he and James sat on either side of Kendall during their most recent therapy session. They were aiming for a new record before Sage couldn't handle anymore.

"Damn," she cursed at the news, shutting her eyes and tilting her head down so that her chin hit her chest and her hair covered her face.

"I thought you liked time limits?" Logan teased gently while still keeping his attention on his watch.

Kendall spun in his chair at his friend's comment, looking like he was about to lose the composure he had pasted on for the session. He had been doing well lately, becoming passive when it was necessary to the point of James not having to physically restrain him anymore, but he almost felt like tackling Logan to the ground. However, he stayed seated and silent once he heard Sage laughing softly from across the table.

"Ass," she hissed as her eyes opened to playfully glare at Logan for the joke about their earlier banter when discussing Camille.

The rest of her body remained tense, all rigidity radiating from where Carlos had a strong grip around her wrist. He was even tugging her towards his personal space slightly, just as Logan had directed him to do. He wanted to find whatever the pair was talking about funny, but he could never seem to feel anything but anguish when he had to make her uncomfortable. He bit his lip hard enough to make it painful, but he stopped when his ankle was kicked lightly under the table. His grip on Sage tightened further in a moment of alarm, but Sage didn't appear to have detected it. She wasn't audibly increasing her deep breathes or crying out like he was expecting her to. Carlos glanced up and saw James staring at him. He gave him a gentle nod and an encouraging smile, knowing that it was rough on him.

"Time's up," Logan announced suddenly. Carlos immediately let Sage go and rubbed his palm on the thigh of his jeans.

"Are you okay?" he asked her before Kendall or Logan could, eliciting a laugh from James when he saw their shocked faces.

"I think I'm good," she declared slowly, like she was waiting for a negative feeling to topple her over. "I'm only at a six or seven, and it's going down," she shook out her arm, trying to make the phantom tingling go away. It was getting easier lately. It wasn't like needles anymore. It was more of a disturbance than a pain.

"Awesome… Can I touch her now?" Kendall spoke excitedly, asking Logan for permission.

"Yeah, it's late. I guess we're done for tonight," he chuckled and braced himself when Kendall shot out of his seat beside him with enough force for him to physically feel a gust of air. The boy didn't even attempt to be calm as he rounded the table and reached out for Sage, who was smiling affectionately and standing up to meet him.

"Hi," he murmured tenderly with a soft smile. His hands found both of hers without hassle and he pressed a kiss onto her forehead.

"Hi," she said back in a whisper, slipping her eyes shut at the soft and soothing contact.

"You guys are gross," James made a gagging sound as he wandered past them and into the kitchen. Carlos had his head in the freezer and Logan was unloading the clean dishes from the dishwasher.

"And you're jealous," Kendall smirked and made a face at him. James just rolled his eyes and gave him the middle finger before snatching a bowl from Logan's hand right before the shorter boy put it in the cabinet. Carlos pulled ice-cream out of the freezer.

Kendall ignored James and began an intimate conversation with Sage near the table, mumbling quiet and loving words to each other as they entered their own little world. James saddled up beside Carlos, bumping his hip into his friend's.

"Things went better today. She was almost completely fine… I told you she didn't hate you," he insisted cheerfully, getting a shrug from Carlos.

"You thought I hated you?" Sage's voice broke through. Apparently her and Kendall's personal world wasn't as closed off to theirs as they thought.

"Why do you have to speak so loud?" Carlos groaned at James, who held up his hands in a sheepish surrender.

"Carlos," Sage sighed his name with a worried look and waved him over. Everyone's eyes were on them now, but she didn't appear to care about the usually feared attention. "Why would you think something like that?" she wondered, wracking her brain for a solution and hoping she didn't do something stupid in one of her panic attacks.

"It's nothing! Don't worry about it," he smiled fully, but he wasn't a very convincing liar. His movements were jerky as he rocked on his heels and flailed a hand in the air. Logan rolled his eyes and James brought his palm to his forehead in disappointment at his comrade's lack of skill when it came to acting.

"Explain," Kendall demanded gently, leaving no room for argument with a strong stare that Carlos always cracked under.

"It's just… I'm always the one that makes you upset. I'm the one who has to push you and make you think of Elliot," he explained nervously, scratching the top of his head and wishing that he had his lucky helmet to make him feel a little more secure. Sage took a bold step towards him, leaving Kendall's hand behind as hers hovered by her sides.

"Don't ever feel bad about that, okay? I'm so grateful that you do what you do for me," she assured him. The room seemed to spin for her but stay eerily still for the others as her palm rose upward to land on his bicep. Carlos tensed, and she did too, but she took the time to squeeze it comfortingly before exhaling loudly and pulling away. "I d-don't want to be a burden on you unless you burden me sometimes too. I want us t-to be equals," her words were strained with her stress and anxiety eating away at her chest as she came down from the usual frightening rush physical contact gave her, but they were also totally honest.

Kendall took the hand she had intentionally placed on Carlos into his own, knowing that his touch would ease away some of the discomfort and calm her down. Logan was grinning, James was staring at them with wide eyes, and Carols was still frozen but looked like he wanted to jump into action and hug her.

"So, you don't hate me?" he asked for clarification. His cautious smile of joy made her laugh and relax.

"Nope, not a bit," she shook her head and let Kendall rub her forearm in a silent form of both security and encouragement. She had done really well. It was her first time making contact with anyone on her own.

"Yay!" Carlos declared happily, his energy transforming the tense room into one filled with only smiles. He had no more worries now. Sage wouldn't lie to him, and her word was good enough for him to forget his concern ever existed.

"He's so easy to please," she chuckled and watched him start to scoop ice cream into a bowl and pile whip cream on top of it. The mound was so high that they were sure he wasn't going to sleep any time soon despite the late hour.

"It's why we love him so much," Kendall laid his cheek against the top of her head and laughed softly when Carlos beamed at his declaration and started to lick the ice cream scooper clean. "You wanna head off to bed?" he asked Sage quietly, feeling the desire to be alone with her after the long day.

"Yeah," she agreed immediately and lifted their clasped hands to kiss his knuckles in one of the few forms of affection she could manage without the anxiety pushing its way in.

"You're not having dessert?" Carlos mumbled through a mouthful of chocolate ice cream.

"We had cake like two hours ago after dinner," Sage reminded him with a grin. He merely shrugged and continued eating, shooing James' hand away when it appeared out of nowhere with a spoon to swipe at his bowl.

"Goodnight," Logan chimed in, looking both of them in the eyes and mentally wishing them luck. He knew that Kendall was determined to try the bed out tonight, and he was sure that Sage wouldn't argue against giving it a shot.

Kendall and Sage waved to everyone before walking to their room hand in hand. Kendall shut the door behind them, something that Sage had gotten better about lately. For a while, she had only wanted it open, but now she was back to being comfortable with it shut, and that didn't even have to include pushing the dresser in front of it. He only had to lock the door, and that was more for his peace of mind than hers. She never even asked him to do it.

Sage hummed the soft tune of a song she had been working on in her time alone and gathered her nightclothes, which consisted of cotton shorts and a tank top, and then headed off to the bathroom. Kendall picked out a pair of sweatpants and an old t-shirt, longing for the days when he used to sleep in much less or nothing at all with Sage, but he pushed those thoughts out of his mind. They weren't at that step yet. They both changed quickly, nearly timing it perfectly when Sage reopened the bathroom door. She stayed in there to brush her teeth, but they both preferred the open doorway so that they weren't closed off to each other for too long.

As he was tightening the drawstring on his pants, Kendall glanced at the unused bed. His look was one of consideration before he turned it rapidly into determination; one so strong that people very rarely saw it unless he was on the ice. He took a calming breath and approached the bathroom, leaning on the doorframe as he watched Sage rinse her mouth out.

"You should sit on the bed with me," he suggested, blurting out the sentence fast so that he wouldn't chicken out because of his intense need to not upset her. Sage choked slightly on the water over the sink and turned the faucet off, wiping her face with a towel as she turned to him.

"I should?" she sounded cautious, but she already knew that this was bound to happen.

"If you want to, I think we should try it… I think you're ready," he gave her a confident smile, thinking back to how she had made a big improvement only minutes ago by reaching out of her comfort zone for Carlos.

"I'll try… You'll be with me the whole time, right?" she wondered, her terrified nature shining through more than it had all day. She appeared small and fragile, causing Kendall to immediately take her hand and pull her towards him into the room.

"I'm not going anywhere," he assured her calmly and waited for her to make the first move.

They stood awkwardly at the foot of the bed while Sage stared at it. The pale green walls around her were trying to morph into a dull white color and barred windows were invading her imagination as her troubled mind attempted to make her believe she was in Ramsey; in her prison. The only thing keeping her in the present was Kendall's fingers linking with her own. Other than when she became a different person in Elliot's bed with him, she had gotten sick the last time she tried to do this, but she needed to attempt it again. She may never reach normalcy, but she wanted to be average enough to sleep on a bed with her boyfriend of two years in their home together. Doing such a thing seemed like it was decades away, so she just focused on taking a small chance.

She stepped forward and lifted one knee onto the bed. The sheets felt like gravel on her bare skin, but she clenched her teeth and continued forward. Her other knee bent and she rose up so that she was on the mattress completely. One of her hands fell forward, and then the other reluctantly followed even though it meant detangling from Kendall's loving touch. He stood behind her, hovering as close as he could without really interfering. He watched her spin around slowly, rotating until she was facing him and sitting solidly on the middle of the bed. He tried to make eye contact with her, but hers were shut tightly as she struggled to breathe. She was trying not to feel disgusted; to not think of the way she was abused on a surface just like this one. It was a full five seconds until she whimpered and gripped the blanket beneath her. Before Kendall could reach for her to soothe the jitteriness, she sat up and crawled towards him on trembling limbs. He let her stand up completely, and she held onto his arms like she was going to faint. Her head spun and her stomach fluttered uncontrollably, making her feel like she could vomit.

"Are you breathing right?" he spoke softly, thinking back to what Logan said he taught her during their afternoon alone.

"T-Trying," she stuttered out, inhaling deeply and clinging to Kendall with a vice grip. It took a few attempts, but eventually she was calming down and her lungs were filling slowly and correctly.

"You wanna give it another shot?" Kendall asked carefully, glancing back at the bed like he was sure he'd see something horrific, but it was just a bed to him. However, he still felt an irrational hatred towards it because of how it made his soul mate feel.

"Suddenly you're all for pushing me," Sage laughed airily, the sound low and strangled as she pressed her forehead into his chest while still keeping him at a distance with her hands wrapped around his wrists. Kendall hissed like he was disappointed in himself.

"Never mind, we don't have to-"

"No, don't stop now. You're doing really good," she grinned up at him, still panting slightly as her breathes evened out. She liked it when Kendall pushed her. If he did it more often, she might get to where she wanted to be sooner.

"So are you," he told her with a light chuckle at her wit. He leaned in to kiss the side of her head. "Let's sit together, okay?" he mumbled into her hair, struggling not to backtrack again when he felt her fingers tighten on his arms.

Sage nodded, worrying that she'd panic if she spoke, and let Kendall guide her towards the bed again. His hands helped her keep breathing as she observed him sitting down on the edge of the mattress. As she just stared at him, the bed started not to seem so bad. Kendall was on it, and he was unharmed.

"Come on, babe," he coaxed her softly. He could read the confusion in her eyes, and he took that as a positive sign because it wasn't pure fear.

She smiled as soon as she heard his voice. It made her feel present despite the sick feeling she got when her shin bumped into the bed as she moved forward. She spun around, doing her best to ignore the cry bubbling in her throat when the comforter touched the back of her knees. Her last memory of that happening was when Elliot prepared to crawl over her.

"You're okay," Kendall always seemed to know just when to talk and when to stay silent so she could keep going by herself.

It was an awkward position because they were side by side yet still holding both of each other's hands, but neither one of them were willing to let go this time; Sage because she needed the support to keep her sane and Kendall because he needed to give it just as much as she wished for it. She finally settled down right beside him on the bed, their hips touching as she leaned into him in a fruitless attempt to not be connected with as much of the bed beneath her.

"I'm so proud of you," he smiled and squeezed her hands, which she responded well to; sighing and letting out the breath she was holding for too long. She remained silent, and her body was rigid, so he kept talking. "This is a great start, and we'll keep taking baby steps… You wanna get back on the floor, don't you?" he knew that she was reaching her limit, watching her lips move with silent letters as she spelled words he couldn't decipher in an attempt to stay calm.

"Please," she nodded instantly with her eyes shut, begging as she continued to grip him tightly.

He liked the feeling that she needed him, because he needed her too, but he was starting to see the advantages of leveling out their intensity and codependency. Sage would have never been able to do this with him if she hadn't participated in therapy with Logan first, which made her mentally and physically capable of handling more and more each day.

As Kendall inwardly kicked himself for being stubborn for too long, he fully understood now that there wasn't just one solution, and, even if there was, his enabling ways were definitely not it. The answers to their problems were an intricate design of choices, tests, and consequences.

He rushed to brush his teeth, letting Sage breathe and lie on the floor by herself for a few minutes, but it wasn't long before he rested beside her on their makeshift bed without a word, one of her hands finding his between them. His back was to the bed, but he could see her looking right past him even in the dim shadows and low lighting from a small fixture in the bathroom. Her body remained stiff as she became distant, undoubtedly thinking about all of the bad things that happened to her on a piece of furniture just like the one behind him.

He hated it when she closed herself off, even when she didn't mean to do it.

"It's okay to talk about Elliot with me… I know you talk to Logan, but I don't want you to think that you can't with me too," he whispered, his voice gaining strength as he spoke more. He had felt like he needed to say it for a while now. They hadn't really broached the subject of her stepfather since the last time Kendall admitted he had a lot of anger about it.

"I know," Sage tore her eyes off of the bed and forgot it completely because of the way Kendall was staring at her apprehensively. "I'm just not sure that I should bring it up all the time because I know it bothers you, which bothers me, and then we go around in a circle of angst," she smiled, but she looked exhausted as her head pushed farther into her pillow and her thumb lazily stroked the back of his hand.

"I could try to _**not**_ let it bother me," he offered helpfully. His tone was optimistic but weak, knowing that it wouldn't be an attainable feat.

"That's sweet of you" she responded with a more genuine smile, so grateful for him. "Thank you for doing all of this for me," she sighed and kept the statement general, and it made him smirk.

"What am I doing?" he inquired, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear.

"You're here and still loving me after all of it," she murmured distantly, most likely thinking about her confession of sleeping with Elliot consensually to get ahead in her captivity.

"I never stopped, and nothing that happened was your fault," he said firmly, not enjoying how she let the guilt weigh her down so visibly that he could see her curl in on herself a bit.

"I know you mean well, but it might be better for everyone if you try to put some blame on me… I made stupid choices, Kendall," she huffed and gazed at him like she was breaking more bad news, but he never let it get to him. He didn't want to feel more down than he already did.

"You didn't. You made all the right ones 'cause you're here now," he argued quietly. His breathing became more labored as emotion swelled in his chest. It was relief, anger, and grief all rolled into one when he thought about the possibility that she could have never found her way back to him.

"But I fucked up along the way," Sage countered without hesitation. She knew her mistakes now, and she didn't want to ignore them. "It would probably kill both of us if I tried to count how many times that there was an opportunity for me to make a run for it," she admitted bitterly, trying not to hate herself.

"What do you mean?" Kendall flinched and his voice was small, but he didn't want her to stop. He didn't want any barriers between them, and he'd have to get used to hearing the difficult topics.

"When Elliot started letting me out of my room, I could roam the house. His eyes were on me as much as possible, but there were times when I could have tried the door. I could have just ran into the street and screamed for help…" she trailed off sadly and swallowed the lump in her throat. She was pretty sure that the one time she shut the front door herself, after Elliot got home from the hospital when he was shot, was going to haunt her for the rest of her life. She could have left, but she didn't.

"Why didn't you?" It was like Kendall was in her head. She almost forgot how easily he could do that like she could to him.

"I wish I could tell you that it was just because I was scared, but I think it was more than that," she confessed gloomily, biting at her bottom lip and meeting Kendall's eyes with a pained expression as she thought of her earlier conversation with Logan about caring for Elliot. "I think part of me felt bad for leaving him… I felt terrible even thinking about getting him sent off to jail… I didn't want that for him because I knew how hard he worked to be happy," she explained slowly. To her, it sounded stupid, but it was also the truth that she refused to hide anymore.

"I- um… Alright…" Kendall struggled to be calm. He didn't want to fight, and he actually didn't even feel the need, but he was ridiculously confused. He could see how jumbled Sage's mind had really become; how much she was altered.

"It's okay if you don't understand. I don't really get it either…" she said in hushed tones. Her eyes were stinging with tears as she continued. "Logan says that it's Stockholm syndrome, and that's the only thing that sounds right to me… Why else would I care about him? Why should I give a fuck after what he did to me?" her words became angry as the tears slipped down her cheeks. She wanted to scream at Elliot, but he was gone. She let him go.

For once, she felt rage instead of fear. It reminded her of how she had developed during her imprisonment. She started paralyzed and frightened, moved on to frustrated and agitated, and then she ended with control. She hoped this journey of healing would be the same.

"You shouldn't care, but you do, and we'll deal with that together… You'll be okay again. You'll be you, and he'll be far from your mind," Kendall reassured her as much as he could, believing his own words but also knowing how difficult the goals were.

He was happy to see Sage nod in agreement, but she didn't speak. They rested together in silence as she calmed down, the crying diminishing as Kendall wiped the moisture from her cheeks.

"Do you ever wonder about him… Where is he? What's he doing?" he asked rhetorical questions, no longer holding himself back from discussing Elliot.

"Is he being good?" Sage shot back scornfully, an angry frown tugging her mouth down as she thought of her misguided hopes for him.

It still bothered Kendall, but he wasn't so surprised anymore by Sage's willingness to believe that her stepfather had a bit of light in him. Kendall would never see it. He was all the way in the black darkness, viewing Elliot as a pure demon, but Sage was near the white light. Together, they settled in an understanding gray.

"I think about him every morning when I wake up and every night before I fall asleep," Sage spoke faintly, but he could hear every word. "He's on my mind right after you guys shut the door and disappear for a few hours at class or Rocque Records. He's in my head whenever there's a quiet moment during any conversation I'm having… He's everywhere, and he never goes away… Logan says I'm gonna have to get used to that…" she told him sadly. She looked tired, her eyes blinking in a slow rhythm.

"It'll get easier… It has to," Kendall whispered softly, raking a hand through her hair so that it fell over her shoulder and he could see her neck more clearly. Unlike others, he never saw her scar first. He always saw the necklace, and felt pure joy as it rested around her neck were it belonged instead of on his bedpost.

"I think it will… I'm happy here with all of you. It almost makes it everything worth it if this is the outcome," Sage donned a gloomy smile that Kendall returned.

Her face changed into one of concentration, and she licked her lips in slight apprehension and deep thought, causing him to furrow his brown in confusion. She took a shaky breath and scooted closer to him, curling into Kendall and laying her head on his chest. He stiffened immediately, like he was expecting her to freak out, but then it was quiet, calm, and warm as she settled in for sleep without flinching. He smiled and let out a trembling sigh of relief and astonishment when she didn't fight against him wrapping an arm around her shoulders and resting his hand on her waist, pressing her tightly onto him. She only snuggled in further and ignored the way her skin crawled. That sensation wasn't going to go away easily, but feeling Kendall surrounding her was helping. She experienced a small sense of pride for being able to handle it so well.

As Sage hugged him and he held her in the dark silence of the night, Kendall remembered how this used to make everything better. He nearly forgot how much it helped not just Sage but also himself. It gave them peace. It was what reminded him that good outcomes were possible no matter how disastrous their journey was.

It was what made everything worthwhile.

* * *

**A/N: Yay for positivity ;D We'll see more "moving on" in the next chapter for everyone :) This includes more "intimate" Kage moments :) **

*******TUMBLR: I just wanted to remind you guys that I have one now if you're interested. There are occasional previews and info on PTS, and lovely GRAPHICS with Kendall/Sage and the entire "family" of five :) My username on there is "waterwicca" as well. And this is my link - remove spaces - (also on my profile here on fanfic): **ht tp: / waterwicca .tum blr. com/ tagged /pa st_ the_ sorrow** ********

*****Also a reminder: I update EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT without fail unless there is some sort of extreme emergency (none yet, knock on wood ;) I wish I could update more, but it's impossible unless I stop sleeping and eating lol because most chapters are between 13 and 16 thousand words :)**

******Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this chapter :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I'm always grateful for any and all feedback :)**


	38. Big Time Date Night

**A/N: I really enjoyed writing this chapter (specifically the Kage lol) but I like how it all came out as a whole too :) Let me know what you think :D**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**Suggestion: **_Surfergal23_**'s Kendall/OC story, Hooked. It's beautiful and angsty, and it's almost over.  
**

**And remember to give Something to Sleep to by **_so-complicated_** a look too! :) It's at it's beginning stages, but there are SO many good plans for it (just trust me ;)**

**On with PTS! :D Please, enjoy and review :) **

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 38: BIG TIME DATE NIGHT_

* * *

"So, scene two opens with Lara finding herself trapped in…"

Camille's voice faded out of James' mind. Normally, he would have been focused on her when he was helping with a new script, especially if it was for an exciting possible movie role, but he kept finding himself getting distracted. Camille had her nose buried in the script book, so she couldn't see what had his undivided attention.

It was Logan. He was sitting on the other side of the pool with Carlos, who was talking animatedly about something that only he cared about, and Logan's eyes were glued to Camille. He was working his bottom lip into a harsh pink with all of the gnawing he was doing on it, and James was concerned that his young skin was going to get wrinkles from the way he was scrunching his eyebrows in concentration and slight apprehension.

"Did you hear what I said, James?" Camille poked his hand with a manicured nail to get his attention. He snapped back around, his eyes squinting as he adjusted to the slightly shadier surroundings of the cabana they were under.

"Huh? Yeah… Sara gets thrown in the well… or something…" he smiled uneasily and shrugged with one shoulder, not even looking at Camille long enough to see her shake her head and smile. His eyes went back to Logan. The odd boy wasn't staring at the actress anymore. Actually, it looked like he was trying to do anything but; his fingers twiddling together nervously on the table top and his head nodding at whatever Carlos was saying through a mouthful of blue smoothie.

"It's Lara, and she's trapped in a supply closet," Camille chuckled. She wasn't too surprised by James behaving abnormally. It was something she had both become used to and learned to get amused by.

"Isn't that what I said?" James mumbled, still not listening. He smirked triumphantly when he saw Logan sneak another glance at Camille and blush. It was that one look that told James all he needed to know.

Logan was undeniably crushing on Camille, which was something they all believed whether he admitted it or not, but, more importantly, James could tell that his friend wanted to act on it. He just needed a final push, and James was going to be the one to shove him with both hands. He refused to watch two people who adored each other continually ignore their feelings after five months of flirtation. It was getting a bit ridiculous.

"Come with me, Cam. I'm gonna get you a date with the man of your dreams," he grinned and grabbed her hand. She let him guide her around the pool with little resistance, only staring at him incredulously while he tugged her along.

"What does that mean? James, no offense, but your plans usually suck. I don't think- Hi, Logan!" Camille's rambling came to an end when she saw where James had led her, suddenly liking wherever this was going.

"H-Hey…" Logan answered awkwardly, nearly forgetting how to breathe when Camille appeared in his personal space. He stood up along with Carlos, who remained blissfully oblivious to what was happening as he sipped on his drink.

"Logie, I keep having this feeling that you wanna ask Camille something… Do you?" James looked like the cat that ate the canary as he gazed down at his friend, knowing that he could read his mind better than Logan could read a textbook right now. He knew romantic interest when he saw it.

"Do I what?" Logan murmured. He hadn't stopped looking at the girl in front of him once. They tended to get like that near each other lately; lost in another universe full of silence and coy smiles.

"Do you want to ask Camille something?" James repeated slower, adding an edge to his words and clenching his teeth as he dramatically tilted his head in her direction. It was as if he was telling Logan to do it before he did it for him, which wasn't ideal for the skittish teen.

In fact, Logan couldn't decide how to ask Camille out no matter how much he thought about it, and he had definitely been thinking about it continuously. Sage put it on his mind ever since she made him agree to do it. At the time, he foolishly believed that it would be somewhat easy since he and Camille were already so close, but he had forgotten who he was; a self-conscious boy who rarely went on dates unless they were set up for him. He had never actually approached a girl before this.

"I don't think so, James, but thanks for your concern," Logan chickened out, scratching the back of his neck and smiling apologetically at Camille. He could see the disappointment in her eyes, undoubtedly having known what almost happened.

James groaned and placed his hand on the girl's lower back, pushing her even closer to Logan so that she nearly bumped into him before straightening herself out. He glared at his friend, but he couldn't get any eye contact in return.

"Am I missing something here?" Carlos asked with a smile around his straw, directing his focus to James. He figured that would get him the most answers, but he was met with silence. James internally counted to three before he threw away any decent social etiquette he possessed.

"Ask her out, Logan!" he yelled too loudly, huffing and smoothing the creases in his t-shirt as he tried to compose himself.

Logan was a different story. He lacked any composure as he coughed on the air in his own lungs and choked violently. Carlos struck him on the back with heavy whacks of his palm, sucking down the last bit of his drink as he did so; acting as if this was an everyday occurrence. Camille's eyes were wide and her body was frozen, waiting in a mix of confusion and excitement. She had seen the boys' antics before, and she wasn't going to let herself get roped in until she got direct confirmation from Logan, but she'd be lying if she said that she didn't want to yelp with glee.

"I- Uh…" Logan found his words, but they were still failing him; refusing to form anything intelligible no matter how much he said the desired phrase in his head.

He glanced up at the window to 2J, wishing he was back in the safety of the apartment, but then he saw Sage and Kendall behind the reflections on the glass. They were situated on the back of the couch and giving him a thumbs-up, most likely having heard James' outburst or already watching the scenery out of boredom. Logan noticed Sage had been spending more time by the windows lately. With her interest in the outside world around her growing, he had a feeling it wouldn't be long before she made her first journey out of their home.

If she was progressing so well, Logan figured that he could too. He wouldn't have been much of a faux therapist if he didn't at least practice what he preached.

"C-Camille," he paused. Saying her name was a good start, so he silently congratulated himself for getting it out before moving forward. "Will you g-go out on a d-date… with me?" he sighed heavily and then sucked in all the air he could and held his breath.

"Yes!" Camille squealed and launched herself at him, knocking out the air he was holding in. He released it in a heavy gust as he chuckled and held her waist so she wouldn't topple them over. She felt right in his arms, and it was moments like those that made him wonder how she could have ever freaked him out so much.

"There. Was that so hard?" James rolled his eyes, shaking his head as he stalked off like his friends exhausted him. He circled the pool to gather his belongings from under the cabana, snatching up the sunglasses and cell phone he left on the table.

"Congratulations!" Carlos piped up excitedly and smiled at the new couple, who were both reluctantly and shyly stepping out of each other's grasp. "When are you guys going out?" he asked an innocent question, but it made Logan feel a whole new wave of nerves.

"Oh, um…" it felt like another challenge for him. Questions were supposed to be his comfort zone, but now this one was making him flustered. "How about t-tonight?" his voice rose at the end, giving an extra apprehensive inflection to his inquiry.

"I'd love to, Logan," Camille remained calm. Her excitement was already expressed, and now she was merely happy and content. "Thanks for asking me," she added with a soft smile, making Logan relax as she shoved his hands into his pockets.

"Thanks for accepting," his wit crept through but his heart continued to hammer in his chest as he struggled to calm down, still in disbelief that this was actually happening.

"Date night!" the two teenagers jumped slightly at Carlos' declaration. He threw his hands in the air, causing his smoothie straw to clatter around in the plastic cup.

"You have a date?" Logan quirked a brow and turned to his friend in surprise.

"No…" Carlos admitted with a frown, looking like he was attempting to solve a tough equation. "I'll figure it out," he mumbled at them while continuing to think. "James! Take me somewhere to meet girls!" he screamed loudly across the pool. It was late in the afternoon on a Friday, so the crowd around them was large, and they all had their eyes on Carlos now. He smiled sheepishly and waved at them. Having gotten used to the weird activities of Big Time Rush, especially Carlos', they all went back to what they were doing with shakes of their head or inaudible giggles.

"Let's go, Carlitos," James laughed and gestured for him to follow him into the lobby. "I'll help you plan an outfit for the club."

Carlos immediately went after him, enthusiastic about an outing to a club in Hollywood. He and James had been to a few when they first explored the Los Angeles area, but didn't go to any lately after Sage had arrived.

As they disappeared from view, Logan and Camille chuckled at the boys, but then it was just them. He smiled nervously at her, thinking about everything he needed to do before he took her out later that night.

* * *

"I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing!" Logan was panicking as he shuffled out of his and Carlos' room on the second floor balcony of the apartment. He tossed clothes over the ledge, coming in and out of view as he entered and left the bedroom repeatedly with more in his arms. "I only have sweater vests and khakis… James, why the hell do you let me dress like a nerd? What kind of friend are you?" he continued ranting irrationally while the boy in question sat at the dining table below. He flipped nonchalantly through a tabloid magazine with his legs propped up on the surface of the table, leaning his upper body to the side occasionally to dodge a knitted shirt or a pressed pair of pants as they flew down from up above.

"I knew he was going to have a meltdown, but I really didn't think it was gonna be this bad," Sage admitted with a grin up at Logan, who wasn't even looking for any answers to his list of questions. He just kept making noise as he searched his room for something to wear for his dinner date with Camille.

"Or this entertaining," Kendall added, smiling in amazement and locking eyes with Sage for a moment before redirecting his attention back up to the balcony to watch his friend throw the rest of the contents of his closet down from the second floor.

He didn't want to look at his girlfriend too long because he knew that he'd feel the need to be close to her if he did. Right now, he was sitting on a stool at the kitchen counter and doing his best to not be near her while she was engaging in physical therapy. It happened all the time lately, and he was getting better at handling it just like she was. Her progress also transferred over to them personally. At night, her advancement with their bed was slow moving, but they were able to hold each other now. He could have his arms wrapped fully around her while they slept.

Sage smiled at him gratefully and leaned into Carlos. He was sitting beside her on the couch, and their hands were clasped between them. Every moment she spent with him got easier. The physical threat lessened along with her anxiety as they practiced, so her mind's first reaction wasn't to run or cry anymore. The feeling was just a vague discomfort now, and even that faded each day.

"No, really! What am I supposed to wear?" Logan whined and reappeared, still dressed in the clothes he had spent his day in; sweats and a t-shirt because of the dance rehearsals at Rocque Records.

"Did you even take one look at the bag I put on your bed?" James quirked a groomed brow at him from over his magazine, smirking up at his friend. Logan shook his head slowly and hurried back into the bedroom.

"Thank you, James!" he called out in relief.

"Whatever," James smiled and shrugged modestly, not even in Logan's sight for a little while until he came rushing down the stairs. He was dressed cleanly and casually, wearing a white button-down shirt, dark jeans, and a pair of black Converse sneakers.

"You look nice," Sage nodded in approval, gesturing for him to spin around. He rolled his eyes but did it anyway and received a teasing whistle from Carlos, which got the shorter boy a light elbow to the ribs from Sage.

Logan smiled thankfully at her, but his nerves were obviously taking control. He fidgeted where he stood and rubbed his palms on the thighs of his jeans. It had taken him nearly three times as long as the one week limit Sage had given him to ask Camille out, but she understood. She could still remember the time when she wouldn't talk to anyone back in Ramsey, and she almost even rejected Kendall when she first met him.

She and Logan were similar, so she knew he'd be tense, but she also knew that he'd pull through. The only difficult part for Sage was keeping it from Camille during their days together having lunch or hanging around the apartment. The brunette actress wanted to go out with Logan so badly, and he was often the topic of discussion, especially if she had seen him that day, so it was hard for Sage not to break down and excitedly admit that her new friend's dream was going to come true. However, Logan begged her not to, and that was more than good enough for Sage to keep her mouth shut.

"She's right. You look good, but stop tugging on your sleeves like that. Those clothes aren't cheap, and you're gonna stretch the fabric," James complained, jumping up from the table and grabbing Logan's hands so that he would stop pulling at the shirt out of anxiousness. He stood still and let James roll the sleeves up to his elbows.

"Maybe I should cancel. I think I'm sick," Logan stated abruptly, squirming away from James when he started to mess with his hair.

"Logie, you're gonna be fine! If I survived my first real date, you will too," Carlos assured him with a winning smile, propping one of his legs up on the coffee table while keeping a firm hold on Sage's hand. He pulled on the purple tie James had put on him along with a black dress shirt, feeling stuffy and ready to get out for the night, or at least get somewhere where James couldn't see him so he could ditch the tie.

"I like Camille, but what if everything ends badly? What if things don't work out? She could decide that she hates my guts, or I could say something stupid or embarrassing," Logan theorized nervously, making a move to tug on his sleeves again until James slapped his hand away.

"I could give you a few tips for a successful night," James grinned and looked as if he was going to launch into a speech about sex.

"James, go fix your hair," Sage suggested quickly, trying to get him away from Logan; feeling more than sure that he was going to start giving advice for one night stands rather than a potentially long-term relationship.

"Oh, you got told!" Carlos teased, raising his and Sage's clasped hands and failing them wildly in James' direction.

"Wow, I thought we had something special," James pouted dramatically and feigned physical pain as he pressed his chin to his chest. Sage sighed heavily and smiled.

"Love you, James," she spoke to him sweetly, shaking her head at his histrionics.

"Love you too," he huffed out a loud breath. "Do I really need to fix my hair?" he became alarmed and started to inch his way towards the bathroom as if he was expecting the worst. Kendall snickered at the counter beside him, Logan continued to think about what he was going to say to Camille when he saw her, Carlos just giggled, and Sage was the only one to offer him reassurance.

"Nope, it's perfect like it always is," she told him with a smirk, biting back laughter when he proudly puffed out his chest and hopped onto the stool next to Kendall.

"Your girlfriend thinks I'm hot," he told him smugly, earning a playful shove that was hard enough to almost have him falling out of his seat with a yelp.

Sage almost wished she was able to push him herself, even if it was in jest, but she wasn't at that point in therapy yet. Carlos was a warm comfort to her now, as was Logan, who had taken his turn with physical contact during their talks together, but James wasn't yet required to take that step. Therefore, touching was limited to Carlos and Logan, and they were both capable of holding her hand without her needing to stop. It was something they now did whenever they could just to keep her used to it.

Sage and James had a strong friendship almost from the beginning, so both were apprehensive about physical contact. Sage had openly admitted to Logan that she could never imagine James hurting her, but she saw him as the most capable of it simply because of his build. That idea had both her and James willingly holding off on therapy because they feared that it would ruin their relationship.

"I thought we were talking about me here," Logan groaned and glared at James, merely receiving a cheesy smile as a response.

"We are. James just needed a little attention. You know how he is," Sage teased as she got up from the couch, still keeping a firm grip on Carlos' hand as they walked over to Logan and ignored James' grumble of protest. "Listen, Logan, you'll be fine tonight. You're going to have a good time, Camille's going to think you're the sweetest guy in the whole world, and you'll be happy that you went through with it, okay?" she spoke softly, seeing her friend's need for encouragement and comfort.

"I'm not sure that I can do this," Logan argued weakly and shook his head, still sounding as if he wanted to back out of everything.

"Stop doubting yourself," Sage let go of Carlos in favor of pulling Logan into a short hug. He kept his hands at his sides for most of it, only squeezing her arms with his palms near the very end in a form of thanks so that he didn't suffocate her emotionally or physically. "I made it through my first night with Kendall two years ago. I was scared, but it turned out to be the best thing I ever did," she told him gently, sneaking a glance at her boyfriend.

He looked as if he wanted to sweep her up and keep her to himself for the night. Luckily, he'd be able to do just that in a few minutes. Logan would be with Camille, and James was taking Carlos out for some fun. For the first time in a long time, they'd have an evening to themselves in the apartment.

"Fine, I guess I should go pick her up for dinner," Logan steadied himself with a calming breath and put a smile on. "If it sucks, be ready for this therapist to bitch to his patient," he grinned at Sage, making her laugh.

"It won't, but I'll listen anyway," she assured him, patting his shoulder one more time before pushing him towards the door and dodging the clothing that littered the floor.

* * *

"Is it always this crowded?" Carlos asked over the music, his throat straining with the effort as his ears adjusted to the loud volume of the club.

"Absolutely! That means it's popular, which means it's the place to be!" James shouted back, already sending flirtatious smiles at a few girls they walked by after being let in the doors. Carlos just nodded in agreement, not feeling like debating Hollywood customs with James. He didn't really feel like they belonged anywhere but with each other. Everything else was just small details.

"Do you think the others are okay?" Carlos wondered, bumping into James when he stopped near the bar.

"You're gonna freak out and worry over everything now too? I need a drink if we're doing this," James gestured to the bartender for two beers, standing even taller with broad shoulders. If they were dressed appropriately, hence the tie he put Carlos in, and James did most of the talking, they were never carded for alcohol.

"Just a soda for me," Carlos smiled politely at the guy behind the bar, who wasn't much older than them. He nodded wordlessly and filled a glass with the dark carbonated drink. "And I'm not freaking out, James," Carlos turned back to his friend, rolling his eyes at the assumption. "They're just on my mind, I guess… Logan's on his first real date with a girl he spazzes over daily. That's a huge deal for him," he paused solemnly and picked up his glass when it was placed in front of him as he thought of the constantly fretful words his roommate let out every night before he fell asleep; revealing fears of messing up a good thing. James snatched his beer quickly and threw a few bills down onto the bar.

"It's Kendall and Sage's two year anniversary," James offered, adding to the conversation while taking a swig of his beer and glancing around the busy club. The colorful lights pulsed across his face as Carlos tried to read it, but he remained neutral.

"Yeah, that's a good thing, isn't it?" he nodded and held his drink just for the sake of keeping it close to him. He had been thinking about the couple spending the evening together at home too, but James almost seemed upset about it.

"Of course it is, but it's kinda bittersweet, right? She went through a lot of fucked up shit, and in their two years 'together'," he stopped his sour rant to make air quotes with his fingers, his beer bottle sloshing around as he gestured, "they've spent more time apart than they have with each other," he finished angrily and took another sip of the cool alcohol. Carlos frowned, feeling remorseful about damaging his friend's usually impenetrable mood. It swung almost as fast as Kendall when he made a slap shot.

"Why does that matter? I thought we were moving past that with them. They're trying to be happy, and they seemed okay when we left. Things will be alright," Carlos reassured him, feeling a slight confusion at the change in their roles. It wasn't too long ago that James was easing his worries, and even Carlos had started this conversation with his own concern, but now James was looking at him and gripping the edge of the bar until his tan knuckles were whitening.

"It's just… sad… It's really sad," James mumbled but his voice traveled loud and clear to Carlos' ears even through the music blasting around them.

"Look, man. It's going to be- " Carlos started by placing a hand on James' shoulder, trying to get him to face him after having turned his head downward, but he stopped when the boy shrugged him off with a wide smile.

"We should party now! We came here to have fun, right?" James didn't wait for an answer as he donned a gleeful expression, all traces of sadness now buried deep inside where he thought they belonged.

Carlos attempted to call him back, but James just danced into the crowd and chatted up a few pretty faces along the way; completely ignoring the sound of his name. With a sigh and a slump of his shoulders, Carlos spun in the opposite direction and immediately regretted his decision. His hand that was holding the soda collided with a soft body in a flash of blonde hair and brown liquid splattering against silver sequins.

"Oh, shit! I'm sorry! Sorry! Sorry!" Carlos repeated himself with wide eyes as he placed his now empty glass on the bar and turned his focus onto the girl he crashed into. Her expensive looking top was nearly soaked because of him.

"What the hell? This is gonna be such a bitch to get out," she groaned and grabbed a few napkins, trying in vain to dab at the cola on her shirt.

"I'm so, so, so sorry! I wasn't paying attention. I tend to do that…" Carlos rambled and took a few napkins in his hand. He almost made an attempt to help her clean up until he realized that it would mean putting his fingers near her chest, and then he backed off. He made one big mistake already and didn't want to make another so quickly.

"This top is definitely done," she whined and tossed the napkins aside with a pout, pushing her hair behind her ear and looking down to further survey the damage. The roots of her tresses were dark, a stark contrast to the bright blonde she had dyed the rest with. It was crimped and barely touched her shoulders in an angular cut and parted to favor one side more than the other.

"I swear I'll take care of it! My producer can pay for the dry cleaning! He's got this thing that he calls the 'Carlos Fund' for when I mess up. I think stains are covered under that, but I can check just- " Carlos stopped his rant short when she really looked up at him for the first time. Her makeup was perfectly done; dark hues shaded over her brown eyes and a light gloss covering her thin lips that matched the slight blush on her sharp cheek bones. He thought she was beautiful beyond words, and therefore he was reduced to silence and a stupid smile.

"You have a producer?" she asked with interest, grinning softly at him and taking her attention away from the damp fabric on her torso completely.

"Y-Yeah…" Carlos stammered, internally yelling at himself not to look like a fool. "I'm in a new band, Big Time Rush. My producer is Gustavo Rocque. One of my bandmates are around here somewhere…" he told her with a more confident smile as he scanned the area for James, who must have been lost deeper into the club by now.

"I heard about him finding you guys on the news. You're from Minnesota, aren't you? I bet you're really sweet compared to a lot of the men around here, coming from a small town and all," she commented pleasantly, flashing him perfectly white teeth.

"I spilled my drink on you," Carlos reminded her playfully and pointed to her ruined top.

"It was an accident," she insisted with a dismissive wave of her hand as she stepped closer to him. She was thin and small, only reaching his height in the impressively high heels she was standing in. "What's your name?" she bit her lip, and he could have sworn she was flirting with him, which flustered him to no end.

"Carlos Garcia," he recovered as quickly as he could and held out his hand.

"Arielle Prescott," she replied with poise, saying her name like she had announced it hundreds of times. He took her smaller hand into his, noticing the contrast of her slightly tanned skin with his darker tone. Her hand was cold, and he squeezed it tighter.

"Arielle... Like the mermaid?" Carlos inquired enthusiastically, not detecting it when she flinched as she pulled her hand back to her side.

"It's spelled differently," she informed him with a tight smile, not enjoying the comparison to a children's movie.

"I love it," he continued on like he hadn't heard her. "It sorta makes you a princess," he joked giddily and watched her perk up.

"Oh, I guess it does," she giggled and looked a little more content with herself.

"Can I buy you a drink? I promise I won't dump it on you," Carlos bantered, surprising himself with how easily the words were coming out of his mouth. Maybe it was because Arielle wasn't staring at him like he was an idiot. She appeared to be hanging on his every syllable and leaning into him with interest.

"I'd like that," she smiled and took a seat at the bar with Carlos beside her. The bartender was already hovering near them after watching a drink being wasted, knowing that another order was in his future. "A martini please?" Arielle barely looked at the young man behind the bar before her dark brown eyes were back on Carlos, who was struggling not to laugh at her drink choice. Hollywood was still a trip for him sometimes. He hadn't ever really seen someone drink a martini before. In Minnesota, it was all hard liquor stolen from parents' stashes and beer wherever they could score it.

"Nothing for me," Carlos denied the bartender, thinking one accident with staining liquid was enough for the night. His record was six, and he wasn't hoping to get anywhere near that when he had the unusual company of a beautiful girl. "So, are you here alone? How long have you been in California? What do you do?" he babbled again before he could stop himself.

"Wow, you ask a lot of questions," she chuckled and tasted her drink daintily when it was placed in front of her.

"Uh, my friends say that I'm too curious for my own good. It gets me in trouble sometimes," Carlos admitted sheepishly as he dug into his wallet to pay the bartender, who was waiting with a raised brow. He tipped him graciously, knowing he was most likely going to be the one to come around and clean the mess he made in a few minutes after his current rush died down.

"Curiosity killed the cat," Arielle mumbled good-naturedly, causing Carlos to laugh as he spun in his stool to face her with a high amount of energy. She watched him from over her glass, seeming to be studying him as if she could learn everything she needed to know with just her eyes.

"Are you going to answer any of my questions, or are you just gonna stay a mysterious, secretive princess the whole night?" he smirked with growing confidence, silently thinking James would be proud. In fact, he was wondering where the hell James had danced off to, but he wasn't too concerned at the moment because Arielle was smiling at him again.

"Well, I'm here tonight with my friends, but they get distracted easily," she paused, seeming aggravated by the fact she shared, but she moved on with a full smile. "I've lived in Los Angeles my whole life, and I'm a model, or at least an aspiring one," she announced with pride, rubbing the stem of her glass with her thumb as she never faltered once over her speech. She spoke smoothly and securely, and that had Carlos enthralled.

"You're very pretty," he commented randomly, rolling his eyes and huffing at himself when he realized that he spoke out loud.

"Thanks… It tends to come with the job," she joked, her laughter low and melodic as if only he was supposed to hear it over the music, which he had gotten so used to that it hardly filled his head anymore. "But you're a musician, right? You must be really talented. I bet you'll be a star in no time," she smile a little more seductively at him, and Carlos had to remind himself to breathe.

"Hopefully. That's the plan… It was actually my two friends that got us here, though. It's a really long story," he trailed off, trying his best not to ramble like he normally would have.

"I'd love to hear it," Arielle leaned into him further, and he just stared at her.

"Are you serious?" he nearly whispered. No one ever wanted to listen to him speak for lengthy amounts of time unless it was Sage and the guys.

"I'm very rarely not serious," she informed him wittily, and that startled him a bit. So far, it seemed like they were polar opposites, but it also felt like she was interested in him.

This could quite possibly turn into one of the best nights of his young life.

* * *

"This place is nice," Camille remarked with a pleasant smile, staring at Logan from across the table. A small candle flickered between them and there was some sort of violin music filtering faintly through the speakers.

The stuffy atmosphere had Logan feeling like he couldn't catch his breath. He traced a line in the condensation on his cup of ice water as they waited in silence for their meals. He had only ever been to restaurants like this when his mother took him on the occasional business trip with her, but even Laura knew he didn't like it; often letting him stay in the hotel room to order room service. It didn't feel like it was where he belonged, but he wanted to impress Camille.

"Yeah, it got good reviews online," he told her smartly, rubbing his thumb and forefinger together until he couldn't feel the dampness from the glass on them anymore.

"Are you nervous, Logan?" she asked with a sigh, raising an eyebrow at him and leaning back in her seat so that her dark locks fell behind her shoulders and revealed the detailed neckline of the dress she wore. It was blue, Logan's favorite color, and the hem fell just above her knee. The color was perfect against her pale complexion and brunette hair.

"What? No way…. Wh-Why? Do I seem nervous?" he wondered anxiously, letting out a short squeak of apprehensive laughter as he rubbed the back of his neck.

"You're fidgeting. You kicked me like three times," she told him. Her grin was as wide as his eyes.

"Oh, fuck. I did?" he glanced at the table, almost looking underneath it to see how close his legs were to hers. She giggled at his language, knowing he tended to shy away from profanity unless he was stressed.

"No, I'm teasing you. Relax, Logan. It's just me," she reached out and took his hand on the tabletop, caressing the back of it until he flipped his arm over so he could curl their fingers together.

"I know… Why is this so weird? It shouldn't be, but it is," he groaned and ran the palm of his free hand over his face.

"Maybe it's because this is our first date… It's actually my first, first date," Camille admitted shyly, suddenly taking an interest in the prongs of the polished fork beside her own glass of water.

"You've never been asked out before? Now I feel like I should have done something more special. All I did was word vomit on you," he pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling like a failure before the date really started, but then he donned a curious expression. "Wait a second. There's no way that you've never been out with someone before. You're you! You're a beautiful actress with an outgoing attitude."

"Thanks for the compliments, but I think I mostly just intimidate people or something… I mean, I intimidated you, didn't I?" she wondered, worry marring her usually happy features.

"Eh, I get intimidated by everyone," he shrugged and grinned, realizing that they hadn't stopped holding hands. "And this is my first real date too. I've been on some doubles with James before, but you're the first girl I chased," he smirked and leaned forward. He squeezed her hand tightly, glowing when he earned a grateful smile from his dinner date.

"I'm flattered," she joked, blinking her long lashes dramatically and making him relax. "But, really, thanks for asking me out, Logan. I didn't think it was going to ever happen, but I'm so glad it did… I like spending time with you. It gets lonely in the apartment sometimes. Being with you, the guys, or Sage is way more entertaining than reading scripts by myself," Camille explained gleefully, a slightly sadder tone lacing her words enough for Logan to catch it.

"Sage loves it when you come over," he told her, inwardly cheering when he saw her light up fully.

"And I love being there. It's like having family around again," she smiled and straightened up in her chair as she fiddled around with the silverware in front of them randomly.

"Do you miss Connecticut?" Logan guessed. He frowned when she titled her head in thought.

"I think I miss the people more than the place. I love it here in Hollywood, and I would never give up my dream after spending so much of my life on it, but I wish my parents were here sometimes. I only see them on holidays now that Dad moved back for work… But I'm a big girl, right? I can make it on my own," Camille assured him with a confident nod and a fake smile.

"You definitely can, but you don't have to… Remember that, okay? We're here, and there are people other than blood relatives that can take care of you. It took me a while to learn it, but it's true," he paused, his memories of his childhood flooding through and making him feel even closer to Camille than ever. "I was kind of in the same boat as you, with no parents around. My mom is a workaholic and my dad doesn't live anywhere near me, so I learned to make my own family… It wasn't easy all the time, but I'd never trade it for anything, even though my brothers are nuts," Logan joked and kept her hand in his own, delivering small squeezes of comfort and gentle caresses with his thumb to the back of her hand as he spoke.

"We're all crazy. It's the only way to get anywhere in this town," Camille chuckled and leaned even further into the table, almost as if she were doing it to get closer to him. He found himself doing the exact same thing.

"I wish I could sit next to you," he spoke without thinking and instantly started blushing when he repeated the words over and over again in his head like he was torturing himself for his stupidity.

"I wish you could too," she responded right away, easing his nerves before they really flared up, "but the seating is kind of restricted in here," she smiled and glanced around the restaurant. He had nearly forgotten where they were. The stuffy atmosphere felt like it had come back with a vengeance to push him down. The soft elevator music made his ears tingle uncomfortably and the too quiet chatter made him feel out of place.

"I think I made a mistake," he declared suddenly. Camille jumped in her seat.

"What?" she asked in worry, thinking that she was about to get dumped before the date even begun.

"I don't think this is the place for us… Do you want to go get burgers and see a movie to make fun of the bad acting?" he gave her a lopsided grin and stared at her with mischief in his eyes.

"Yes!" Camille was relieved and excited. She giggled and followed Logan's lead, standing up as he did and reluctantly letting go of his hand so that he could toss some money onto the table for the meals that hadn't even arrived from the kitchen yet. He didn't care how expensive the date had become. He just liked seeing the way Camille was beaming with enthusiasm beside him; because of him. He was almost sure he'd give up his high IQ just for that smile.

* * *

Sage snuggled further into Kendall's side, both of them keeping their eyes on the large television mounted to the wall in front of the couch. The evening was peaceful and satisfying with nothing to worry about; no school, no Gustavo, and no therapy. It was just them for a change, and they both took advantage of it in the way they used to; with relaxation and no anxiety in sight as they communicated softly with and without words. They coexisted with hardly any effort, moving with or around one another devoid of discomfort. Having time home to themselves was a luxury they forgot used to be theirs daily in Ramsey when Karen would work and Katie went out. It provided them with no fears and took limits off of them. Anything could happen.

Kendall slumped further into the couch, one hand was wrapped up in hers on his lap while the other was placed on the side of her neck that wasn't pushing into his chest. He couldn't see her face, and he was grateful for that fact because it meant she couldn't see his. It was covered in a mix of frustration, anger at himself, and lust. He had to blame the horror movie they were watching. It started out okay, a few mysterious murders by some wronged witch and no police officers in sight unless they were dying or stupid, so Sage wasn't running into any triggers that sent her into flashbacks of Elliot. She was the picture of calm for once, and Kendall was the jumpy one.

The customary sex scene had set things in motion. It was something he felt stupid for. It wasn't like he was a virgin, really being so far from it with the active sex life he and Sage had enjoyed in their first year together, but the edited images of two bodies writhing together in false passion didn't read as fake to him. He didn't see the actors. He saw himself and Sage. He saw memories, feeling and reliving them in short flashes behind his eyes.

It made him edgy, shaking his leg in a slow and repetitive rhythm; his foot propped against the side of the coffee table to give him leverage. His hand at Sage's neck had been twirling her hair in a gesture that normally relaxed him, but now all of her tresses were brushed aside and he was pressing his thumb into the bare skin below her ear; rubbing long circles where her pulse thumped beneath his fingers.

Sage pushed into the touch, her mind racing with so many thoughts, but it wasn't a bad stream of consciousness this time. It wasn't Elliot, just purely Kendall. She knew what he was doing. She remembered the signs. It was thrilling to realize that she still knew her boyfriend like the back of her hand. She could hear him without words and see him without vision.

She smirked and held back her laughter as she leaned forward, making his hand slip from her shoulder as she reached out to turn the television off with the remote.

"What's wrong?" Kendall was immediately alarmed, her sudden movement putting him on alert as he looked for tears or signs of discomfort on her.

"Nothing," Sage grinned at him as she twisted her body. They still held hands in his lap, but her other was propped on the couch below to hold her weight. "You were getting worked up. I see no problem there," she told him boldly, chuckling at the shock on his face.

"I was not," he argued defensively. His expression was one of false disbelief, an odd smile and wide eyes controlling it.

"I know you, baby," she whispered, still keeping her grin in place as she leaned toward him. "Your leg fidgets and you become obsessed with my neck when you get like this," her tone was teasing, but there was a slightly seductive quality to it as well, which was only emphasized when she spun around fully to rest on her knees and drop a kiss onto his cheek. "You did it every time we were waiting for Karen to disappear so you could get in my pants," she pulled back with a full smile that had him sighing and shaking his head as he cracked one of his own.

"How do you know me so well?" he wondered in playful exasperation while squeezing her hand. He tugged it up towards his head and nipped the side of her palm in a lighthearted attempt at punishment for calling him out. She giggled and didn't pull away.

"It's because I love you more than anything, and I pay attention to all the little details," she told him cheekily before dropping her voice lower. "I like all of your quirks," she whispered again, inching forward to place a kiss on his shoulder. It didn't matter that her lips met the fabric of his shirt. It still felt like fire on both ends.

"You have them too," he informed her after taking a calming inhale and exhale.

"Oh, really?" she smiled and raised a slim eyebrow as she bit her tongue.

"Mhm," he murmured, cupping her face and trailing his thumb along her delicate jawline, "When you get… worked up…" he struggled for the appropriate phrase. They used to be able to say anything and everything to each other, no matter how obscene, but he had to be careful now. He shook the bad feelings away with a small jolt of his head. He didn't want to ruin this minuscule piece of normalcy they had stumbled upon. "When you get worked up," he started again with more confidence, "you lean into me every chance you get. No matter where I touch you or move, you find me… You blink slower and breathe deeper while you wait for something to happen… You wait for me even though you and I both know you're just as good at taking the lead," he smirked as she chuckled and leaned into the hand on her cheek just as he had described.

"I like when you're in control," she reminded him softly, swallowing thickly as her eyes slipped shut.

"I know," he murmured airily. They both almost expected something more to happen now like it always would have in the past when they were alone, but Kendall's hand dropped away. He didn't want to get enthralled by something he refused to act upon. Sage wasn't ready yet. Neither of them were.

She held back her whine of protest, knowing that Kendall meant well, but Sage didn't want to let this go. There were so many questions and thoughts and feelings swarming at once in her heart and head. They weren't all negative like everything else that plagued her. If they were dominated by anything right now, it was playful curiosity.

"Did you masturbate while we were separated?" she let out the first question that found her lips without hesitation.

"Whoa… Okay…" Kendall laughed incredulously before he realized that she was serious. Then he was almost happy.

This was the Sage he remembered more than anything, the one that didn't put up walls between them, but he struggled for an appropriate answer as his throat constricted. The movie they were watching felt like a distant memory, but now the feelings it brought to his body were trying to creep back in. Sage amped him up with a few simple words. It was an effect she always had on him. Their first kiss had been after only several exchanged sentences, and the rest of their relationship followed suit.

"If I suggested that we just turn the movie back on and forget about this conversation, you'd say no, right?" he guessed with a lazy grin, slightly hoping she'd give up.

"Right," she agreed right away. Her expression slipped into a serious one. "Please, answer the question…"

Kendall groaned in frustration. Thinking of touching himself and talking about it wasn't helping with his already interested libido. He tried to speak, but nothing came out. Normally, this would have been an easy question to answer with Sage, but everything was difficult now. Everything was different.

"Come on, you're a teenage boy. You can't tell me that you never- " Sage was getting closer to him, her other hand finding its way onto his thigh, but Kendall held her back with his words.

"Stop it, Sage," he begged faintly. His heart wasn't fully in it, but his head told him it was the right thing to do.

"Why?" she asked simply, like he was the one acting odd.

"I don't want to get into something we can't finish," he admitted shakily, glancing down at her hand on his leg before looking back up into her eyes with something akin to turmoil.

"We could try," she suggested hopefully as she still moved a bit closer.

"You can't even stay in the bed for more than a few minutes with me," he reminded her gloomily, regretting it when her face dropped. "I'm sorry, baby. You know I don't- "

"I know," she nodded and cut him off, not wanting to hear him be sorry for something he didn't need to apologize for. "You're right, but I still want to try to be with you," she continued hoarsely, sounding as if she was fighting back tears but keeping a brave face on. She scooted towards him and pressed a kiss onto the warm skin of his neck, feeling him shiver beneath her.

"You're gonna be disappointed," he told her slowly, not finding it in himself to fight when she climbed into his lap; straddling his thighs with her own and settling against him.

"You never disappoint me," she smirked and laced her hands behind his head, which he shook vigorously.

"I'm not talking about me… You're going to have to stop yourself… You're not ready," he told her firmly, but his voice kept betraying him and wavering with emotion.

"Help me get ready, then," she fought back weakly. Her chest pressed into his as she trailed gentle kisses along his jaw and his hands gripped her hips tightly.

In actuality, she felt like stopping already. Her chest was burning with terror and anxiety from the intimate position she put herself in, but all she wanted to do was ignore it more than ever before. Her body wasn't prepared for it because of the post-traumatic stress disorder she suffered from, but her mind kept telling her that she wanted it. She had been doing so well in therapy and progressing amazingly that she was gaining back some of the confidence she used to have with her boyfriend. However, Kendall wasn't delusional anymore. He knew that him simply being there didn't make it all okay. Even if she couldn't see it, he could tell that she wasn't ready to make love again. It was too much at once.

"Stop, honey… We gotta slow down," he mumbled delicately and gripped the top of her arms in a gentle hold before she could touch him in a way she'd regret. "You're not prepared for this."

Sage's face was still buried in his neck, and she wasn't fighting him as he slid his hands up and down her arms in a comforting gesture. She was shaking noticeably, and Kendall could feel tears drop onto skin.

"I really want to be," she cried quietly, circling her arms back around his neck to hug him tightly.

"It'll happen," he cooed soothingly as he embraced her with just as much enthusiasm, rubbing one of his palms in a slow circle on her lower back and kissing the chain of her necklace as he pushed his face into her shoulder. "It's just gonna take time…"

"We lost so much already," Sage grumbled angrily, tears still slipping down her cheeks and onto his shirt. "He took so much away from us," she added thinly. She didn't even have to say Elliot's name for Kendall to know exactly what she meant.

"Let's just talk, okay?" he suggested calmly, trying not to let his own sadness take over too much. He let it show, but he didn't want to give in to it out of the fear of them retreating back to hurting each other because of their insane need to comfort one another and forget everything else.

Sage nodded and leaned away, letting him wipe the dampness from her eyes as she relaxed. It was easier to do than it used to be, especially when Kendall was close to her. Her heart settled into a steady rhythm, and he smiled as he thought back to where all of this had started; with her inquiry about his private activities without her.

"To answer your question, yes, I touched myself plenty of times to thoughts of you while we were separated," he grinned as she rolled her eyes and laughed as the tears faded away completely.

"You're supposed to use porn, not your girlfriend," she teased him with a poke to his ribs.

"Forget porn. You're way better… You're real. I know how you feel, how you sound… I know how you taste," he whispered as they instinctively got closer. Just as he could feel her breath on his lips, Sage interrupted him with a small laugh.

"Now you're the one who needs to control themselves," she pulled away just enough to look into his eyes.

"Hey, you can't blame me! You're sitting on my lap," he reminded her, glancing down at the spot where she was seated on his thighs before staring back up at her with a grin.

"You want me to move?" she asked seriously, silently hoping that she wouldn't have to.

"Don't even think about it," he told her strictly, anchoring his hands on her hips. Nothing sexual was going to come out of it, but he had still been dreaming of this contact for a long time, and she wasn't scared of it like he thought she would be. "As long as you can handle it, I want you right here," he spoke fainter.

The fingers he had at her hips brushed beneath the fabric of her tank top, tickling the skin of her sides with little contact, but she stiffened anyway. She gasped harshly and jolted in his lap. On a normal day in their past, that wouldn't have been a bad thing, but this wasn't pleasure. It was fear. Staying calm, Kendall removed his hands and resettled them safely above the fabric of her shirt and took a cue from Logan's ways and decided to talk about it; work through it.

"What do you see when that happens? How does it feel?" he wondered, staring at her stiff body like it could give him the answers if he looked hard enough. Sage took a moment to think, and he could see her lips moving, most likely with silent letters as she spelled words to focus her thoughts back onto Kendall.

"Um, time changes… Everything changes," she furrowed her brow and struggled to describe it correctly. "If I feel threatened, it's like Elliot's here and he's going to hit me, and other times it's like he's going to… touch me," she finished delicately, unsure of how to put it.

"What was it like with him?" Kendall didn't hold back with his words, but he still braced himself for the answer. His heart was already tightening and burning behind his ribs.

"You're sure you wanna hear this?" Sage asked skeptically while looking down at him with a cautious expression.

"Yeah, I want to know as much as I can," he told her confidently and nodded, ignoring the way his muscles twitched with the need to hit something just at the thought of Elliot touching his soul mate.

"Well, it started violent, very violent… He had the knife and refused to take no for an answer in the beginning. He was just a twisted version of that horrible guy we knew. It hurt all the time, and I fought, but not much… The blade stopped that," she murmured and paused as Kendall reached up and traced the scar at her neckline. "That was the first one. Sometimes, when I have nightmares, it's still bleeding," she admitted with a trembling sigh.

"But he said he loved you… How could he do that? How did he turn into the guy that you outsmarted?" Kendall was genuinely curious now, trying in vain to piece the story together himself.

"He did love me. It's the only thing I don't doubt about my time with him… When I told Elliot that I wasn't a virgin, that you took that from him, he was livid, but there was this look in his eyes... I knew he loved me as much as he was cable of because the look he had when I said I slept with you was the same betrayed, angry, and confused look you had when I told you he raped me," Sage confessed forlornly, knowing Kendall would hate the comparison. "You're not the same person. You never will be, but his emotions were real like yours are. They just weren't returned, and they got twisted into something desperate and dark," she drifted off, shutting her eyes as she thought of her home in Ramsey. She fought not to go back there in her mind, and her worries drifted away when Kendall squeezed both of her hands.

"You made him weak when you gave in, didn't you? He turned into a sap," Kendall guessed with a bitter smile, thinking about Elliot in a million new ways; ones that weren't of the monster that hit her and beat him. He started to get a bigger picture, but it still blew his mind. It was so bizarre, yet their world seemed to be composed of abnormality, so he thought he should stop being surprised by it.

"Yeah, he was still cautious, but I think most of that went away when I finally initiated sex with him. Then it was all smiles and talks of being boyfriend and girlfriend and moving to the other side of the country to be together forever," Sage shook her head, still in disbelief at how far she let it get.

"When you slept with him then, after the rape, did you ever…" Kendall couldn't formulate the phrase he wanted, but Sage got it immediately and put on a fierce expression of love.

"No, Kendall. Never… I never liked being with him like that. I pretended to enjoy it, though, just so it would be good for him," she grabbed both sides of his face and kissed his forehead soundly, only pulling away when she needed to breathe. She hated the idea of Kendall thinking she'd find pleasure in someone else. It could simply never happen.

"How sweet of you," Kendall sighed sarcastically. The idea of Elliot believing Sage wanted him made his stomach turn. It was a privilege only he himself ever had, and now it was shared with someone else; someone that he wished he could murder every day.

"I'm sorry that I don't hate him as much as you do… I try, but…" Sage trailed off sadly, cursing herself for not having the right words to say to him.

"I get it, Sage. I really do. Stockholm syndrome isn't your fault," Kendall exhaled heavily with a frown. "I wasn't there. I can only guess how you feel or what you really went through… but I think that's what pisses me off the most; not knowing everything and not getting you when _**he**_ did. It was you and him when it was supposed to be me and you… I mean, he didn't just have you physically. He _**got**_ you. He smiled and laughed with you. You guys watched movies," he exclaimed exasperatingly and gestured to the blank television that they had just been watching as if it proved his point that things were too similar for comfort. "He talked to you every day. _**I**_ didn't even have that before," he finished softer, sadness etching his features as he looked down at their connected bodies again.

"But it was fake," Sage reminded him as she ran her fingers through his hair.

"Not all of it… Not all the time," he argued without malice, knowing it was the truth.

"You're right… It wasn't," she confessed reluctantly. Some of her positive feelings of care towards Elliot weren't fabricated. They truly existed.

"I'm… I think I'm j-jealous of him," Kendall choked out, "and it makes me sick, that I could be jealous of someone like that… He used to just be my enemy," he laughed at the term. It sounded ridiculous, but it was the most fitting one he could think of. "But now he's… He's the other guy. He's your ex, Sage," he chuckled darkly at the realization, and she couldn't argue at all.

"When did we get so fucked up? I know it was bad before, but it's like we keep trying to outdo ourselves," she laughed emotionlessly and continued to ruffled his hair with gentle swipes of her hand as he caressed her back.

"We probably set a few records… Should we have a trophy?" he joked lightly and tugged her more towards him.

"I'd settle for a bit of normalcy and sex," she mumbled into his neck with a frustrated huff, knowing that they really weren't terribly close to breaking that barrier yet. Kendall laughed at her admittance. It was a real laugh, one that eased the anxiety and anger left in his heart.

"I promise we'll get there, okay? I'll rock your world as soon as you're ready," he smirked and squeezed her hips as she pulled back to look at him with a playful smile.

"Don't let me down," she teased, knowing it was impossible. She resettled in his lap with her arms still around his neck and thought for a moment. "So, what do we do while we wait?" she frowned and squinted while looking around the room like it could give her an answer.

"You act like sex is all there is to do," he laughed and pressed his head onto her collarbone; kissing the scar there with a small peck while Sage scoffed at him.

"This coming from the guy who had me up against the wall of the janitor's closet at school seven times," she shook her head in mock disapproval, causing him to chuckle into her skin and look up at her.

"It was only seven?" he appeared to be thinking hard, but his smirk was evident.

"I'm not counting the times when school was out, only the ones where I had to be quiet 'cause we were skipping class," she informed him wittily, rubbing the back of his neck with her fingers.

"I like when you try to be quiet. It's funny to watch you fail," he told her friskily.

"Shut up. You're not exactly mute when we do it," she argued back with a soft giggle.

"Fair enough," he gave in, leaning up with intent to kiss her before he realized what was happening. "Wait, how did we get back into the sex thing? I thought we agreed to not claw at each other like animals," he narrowed his eyes like she had tricked him.

"We never had much self-control," she shrugged and kissed him lovingly before forcing herself away.

"Let's go back to the beginning," Kendall suggested suddenly, a mischievous smile donning his features.

"You got a time machine?" she inquired with a giggle as he hoisted her up by the waist so that they were both standing.

"Nope, but I do have an idea… Will you come outside with me? Can you do that?" his expression grew serious as he waited for her response.

Sage thought hard, looking at the dark window beyond the couch. It was well past midnight and no one was around. Plus, Kendall would be with her the whole time.

"I- I think I'd be okay with that," she nodded slowly and instantly sought out his hands to take them into her own.

"You're sure?" he wondered guardedly, giving her every chance to say no.

"Yeah, let's try it," she said with more faith in herself. "Where are we going?" she asked as he pulled her to the door, not even letting her put shoes on. He didn't bother either, leaving them both in socks.

"On our first date," he smirked and held her close as they slipped into the hallway.

Sage remembered it from when she chased after James, and it still made her nervous, but Kendall was easing that away into a dull apprehension in her gut. It was silent except for their shuffling against the carpet as he led her to the stairs, moving down them slowly and letting her set the pace while he kept an arm around her at all times. With Kendall's guidance, Sage found herself at a side door that revealed the pool, and then she knew what he was doing.

It was different, with chlorinated water and a building towering around it, but the body of water did remind her of their "spot"; the place they spent their first night together.

"Do you want to swim?" she asked, remembering her words to him that night exactly two years ago. They came so easily, syllables passing her lips with a sweet taste and fond memories.

"We don't have suits," he bit his lip and quipped back with his own remembered phrase.

"Our clothes will dry," she told him with a gentle smile.

The environment was a stark contrast to Ramsey. Sounds of traffic littered the air along with a warmer heat, and the lights of the Palm Woods brightened the area of the pool better than any moonlight, but the little details didn't matter right now. Sage kicked out of her socks while Kendall did the same and tossed both of their cell phones onto a lounge chair. She saw him pause but didn't understand why until she really looked. His hands were at the bottom of his shirt, about to take it off before he realized that it might trigger her.

"Go ahead," she encouraged him with a faint voice, watching like a hawk as he shed the clothing.

It made her shiver in both desire and pure fear; a mix that caused her to frown before she was able to fully brush it away and remember that she could handle it. After swallowing the lump in her throat, she bravely closed the distance between them and touched the hard planes of his stomach with the tips of her fingers. The last time she did anything like it, it was with Elliot, and she was sure that it was what would have ruled her mind now, but she just felt Kendall. The muscles were a little more noticeable than what she remembered, increasing with his various physical activities during their time apart. She bit her tongue hard, giving herself something to focus on when the anxiety started creeping its way up her spine. When the fear reached a high level, she let go; not wanting to push too hard too fast.

"Are we gonna get caught by Bitters?" she asked, looking around for the hotel manager she had heard a lot about, but the lobby was dimly lit and completely empty.

"No, he's asleep," Kendall whispered and watched her hands hovering near him. He could read the fright as it battled with frustration on her features. "Come on, you can admire my amazing body later," he joked to break the tension, and it worked like a charm. Sage chuckled and let him lock their fingers together.

They sat on the edge of the pool first before sliding in quietly, not making too many waves when they slipped into the water. As they floated together, Sage stayed close to Kendall, almost like she was unwilling to let him go as she continued to take in the new surroundings. It wasn't as bad as it could have been because she spent plenty of time scanning the pool from her view in the apartment, but it still had her agitated. The space was open and full of fresh air. She was unaccustomed to it, and it was something that she was used to not being allowed to have. It almost felt like she was breaking the rules, not just Elliot's but also her own. She had to work on getting past that mindset, and being with Kendall while she did it was a good start. The sensation of his hands on her sides as they swam in the water helped remind her of what she was working for.

"Tell me all your secrets, Sage Henderson," he spoke the same words from that night again. It made her light up and hug him tightly, forgetting not to put her hands any lower than his shoulders for just a moment.

"You know them all, Kendall Knight," she murmured into his damp shoulder. He laughed and kissed the side of her head, maneuvering so his arms were more securely around her. "You're not gonna to let me go until we get back to the apartment, are you?" she guessed with a light chuckle as she smoothed his wet bangs out of his eyes.

"Not unless you beg me to," he smiled, but it wasn't the joking one she was expecting. It was soft and sad. "I feel like I'm supposed to protect you… I mean, I know I did before, after the first night I saw Elliot hurt you, but the need is so strong now. It controls all of my thoughts," he confessed grimly, struggling not to think of it as a bad thing, but something in the back of his mind told him that it would get him into trouble.

"You're doing better… You only hit James once when I was crying that time in therapy," she smirked, but her heart wasn't in the teasing either.

"Yeah, but I still feel like I could destroy the world to get to you," he told her somberly as the water moved slowly around them with every gentle kick he gave with his legs to keep them afloat. "I don't want to lose you again… I won't lie, and I'll admit that I could survive without you because of the guys. I'd never leave them, but it's not the life I want. I'm never completely happy without you… The last time I let my guard down and took a risky chance with you, I left and never saw you again… I let you get hurt," he looked away in shame, but Sage immediately had a finger under his chin to force him back up to meet her eyes, which were coated in determination and care.

"Kendall, no… You didn't _**let**_ anything happen. Elliot had it planned. We were both screwed," she reminded him sternly, but she couldn't deny her own feelings too. She knew what he was experiencing.

The guilt and responsibility she was carrying was consuming. She constantly thought that she should have seen something going on in her stepfather's head; that she should have seen the signs. She should have known that there was more to her mother's death. Instead of grieving, she should have fought; knowing that Julia would have never left her by choice. Even through these negative feelings, Sage thought about her new goals. She had to stop blaming herself. If she believed Kendall shouldn't, then she shouldn't either. It was too unhealthy for the both of them.

"If I wasn't seeing it with my own eyes, I'm not sure I'd believe it," Logan's voice carried through the quiet space, jostling Sage and Kendall out of their intense gaze of understanding. "Very good," he looked right at Sage, thinking he didn't need to say anymore. She was outside of the apartment, and she was doing okay by the looks of things. It was a huge step to tackle, and she was taking it in stride. She smiled back and leaned into Kendall.

"Did you kiss her?" she wondered excitedly, abruptly changing the subject to Camille and Logan's night out when she thought about it.

Logan rolled his eyes, but he was already thinking about his date. They had fun at the movies, yelling at the screen and giggling in the back row in the relatively empty theater to whatever film was showing when they strolled up to the cinema. He had walked her to her door from the back entrance to the building because her apartment was closer to it, and he arrived home to an empty apartment of his own. Before he panicked too much, he caught sight of the couple in the pool and waltzed down there with a smile.

"I'm not James. I don't stick my tongue down all of my dates' throats," Logan waved off her question dismissively and blushed, really wishing he did kiss Camille, but the timing didn't feel right yet.

"No one said anything about tongue," Sage told him mockingly.

"Ah! You were totally thinking about it," Kendall laughed at his friend, watching Logan already start to stammer as he thought about Camille again.

"Shut up," he grumbled, "Bitters is gonna hear us," he chastised him and scanned the area nervously.

"He sleeps like the dead. All the crotchetiness wipes him out after a long day," Kendall smirked and splashed water at Logan playfully while still keeping an arm around Sage.

"How'd the anniversary go?" Logan wondered with interest, settling down at the side of the pool with his legs folded beneath him and a grin on his face.

"Perfect," Kendall assured him, dropping a kiss onto Sage's shoulder; a form of contact that may not have been possible a few weeks ago. They were moving forward slowly but surely.

"Carlos, I think I'm hungry."

"Well, yeah. You puked at the club. Your stomach's gotta be empty."

James' voice rang loudly through the open lobby doors, and Carlos' was a bit softer but not by much.

"You guys, what happened?" Logan called out to them in exhaustion, not even getting up from where he was sitting. He could stare at them in disapproval just fine from a seated position.

Carlos turned at the sudden sound, and James groaned as he was yanked to the side with him. He was being propped up by his friend, looking a little unsteady, but then he was just smiling again and letting Carlos keep him upright.

"You're outside!" the Latino ignored Logan and led James out of the lobby and towards the pool, where Sage was nodding and biting her lip with a smile. "That's so cool," Carlos cheered a bit, jostling James with the movement.

"It really is," Kendall agreed with glee, continuing to float in the water with her in his embrace.

"Let's talk about Sage in a minute. She's not the problem this time," Logan meant nothing bad by it. All of his negative feelings were directed at James. "Are you drunk?" he asked it like it was a useless question, but he was having trouble believing it. He hadn't seen James really intoxicated in a very long time.

"I haven't been out in a while, and I may have overdone it _**this**_ much," James slurred a bit and squeezed his thumb and forefinger together with a giggle.

"It was more like this much, buddy," Carlos informed him, smiling as he spread James' arms open wide, which, for some reason, the taller boy found hilarious.

"Why did you let him drink like that?" Logan stared up at Carlos in shock and condemnation, speaking over James' laughter.

"I kinda lost track of him early on… I met a girl!" Carlos started sheepishly, but then his face brightened and he looked like it was Christmas as he thought of Arielle, who had given him her number before James stumbled towards him and told him he got sick in the bathroom.

Sage appeared to be excited for Carlos, almost opening her mouth to ask a question, but Kendall and Logan were too concerned with James.

"You need to keep an eye on him," Kendall complained, his eyes widening as he watched his drunk friend sway as he tried to stand on his own.

"He's not usually like this," Carlos argued weakly, staring at James with a pout.

"That's what worries me," Logan mumbled and ruffled the top of his hair in thought.

"Calm down, Loges. I'm fine… I solemnly swear it!" James cut in, giggling again as he tried to salute. The only thing that made them relax was the truth that flashed in his glassy eyes for just a moment. He'd be better by morning, and most likely regretting how he dealt with the stress once he woke up with a killer headache. "Can I swim?" he asked abruptly, sounding like an eager child. It almost reminded them of Carlos on an average day, and the comparison only got freakier when they were standing side by side with the same goofy smile.

"Will you drown?" Sage teased and he narrowed his eyes on her.

"Listen, missy, I'm a great swimmer," James made a stern face and pointed at her, but his smirk was still glued in place on his lips. He stumbled trying to take his shirt off, but he was ultimately successful. Kendall held Sage tighter, unsure of how uncomfortable she would be, but he didn't say anything.

"Keep your pants on, James," Logan told his friend, who was fiddling with his jeans like it was a complicated puzzle. He stared up at Logan, finding the boy looking both tired and amused.

"My pants are on?" James laughed and stared down at his clothing. "Look at that," he said with a grin, kicking off his shoes. "That's not usually how my nights out end," he seemed confused but compliant as Carlos appeared beside him again when he swayed.

"You should probably steer him towards the shallow end, Car," Sage smiled, really starting to get worried that James would drown if he jumped in. Carlos nodded and chuckled, following her advice with a firm grasp on his intoxicated brother's wrist.

As soon as he was settled in the pool, Carlos followed him; fully dressed except for his shoes like he had swum in clothing a million times. James splashed him and shoved him under the water with a dazed smile, effectively starting a wrestling match. Carlos was easily winning because of James' inebriated state, but neither one of them seemed to care. Sage settled into Kendall's arms and as they rested near Logan, relishing the fact that the only thing that mattered to her in that moment were the sounds of her family's soft laughter. Even in the new surroundings, the fear didn't have full control anymore.

* * *

**A/N: I think my personal favorite parts were Arielle/Carlos (because I want to hug that adorable kid SO fuckin' much) and, of course, Kage :) I loved having the opportunity to have a full scene with them. The timing and progression felt right (and there will be more ;)**

**And thank you to harvestmoonrox for the name "Arielle" :) She was one of my first huge Carlos lovers over here, so I let her pick the name a while back when I was outlining :)**

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this chapter :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I appreciate any feedback and I love meeting fellow readers/fans of BTR. Don't be shy :)**


	39. Big Time Imperfections

**A/N: I loved the first half of this chapter because it's something I've had in the works for a while, and writing it was different than the rest (and fun ;)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**Shoutout: **_Surfergal23_**'s Kendall/OC story, Hooked. It's beautiful and angsty :D  
**

**And remember to give Something to Sleep to by **_so-complicated_** a look too! :) It's at it's beginning stages, but there are SO many good plans for it (just trust me ;)**

**On with PTS! :D Please, enjoy and review :) **

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 39: BIG TIME IMPERFECTIONS_

* * *

"Are you hanging out with your girlfriend today before therapy?" Kendall smirked and shifted the grocery bags in his hands as he held the lobby door open for Logan.

"She's not my girlfriend," he argued with wide eyes and a deep blush, ducking his head down and stepping through the doorway after stopping to knock his fist lightly against Kendall's ribs.

"Not yet," the blonde countered simply, his grin widening despite having to recoil his body and juggle the bags when Logan faked another punch. He was still blushing, but there was a smile on his face as he walked backwards into the lobby and stared at his teasing friend. It had been over two weeks since his first date with Camille, and he they had gone out a few more times whenever their schedules permitted it. He hadn't even kissed her yet, but they were getting closer and closer as he gained more confidence in himself.

"Maybe," Logan relented with a short roll of his eyes before checking his phone for both the time and possible texts from Camille. "Wow, look how good you're doing, buddy," he turned his sly features on Kendall, who raised a brow in confusion at the sudden change of topic as he let the door swing shut behind him. "We've been out for, like, a whole hour and you didn't even run through the store this time… The eggs are all in one piece," he jerked his head towards the bags on his own arms as he joked about his friend's usual stubbornness when it came to leaving Sage for anything but work and school.

"Hey, that wasn't my fault! They should make those stupid 'wet floor' signs bigger," Kendall pouted and stopped in the small alcove at the right of Bitters' desk to get their mail.

"Maybe you shouldn't have been trying to get the groceries in record time," Logan chuckled and let Kendall take one of the bags off of his arms so it was easier for him to dig for his keys in his pocket.

He swiveled them on his fingers a bit until he found the shiny bronze one for the mailbox. After putting the metal in the tiny lock and twisting, he flipped the compartment open. He and Kendall hadn't really expected much of anything because most of their communication with family back in Minnesota was through the internet, so both boys were surprised to find a large manila envelope waiting for them.

"Dude, don't tell me your mom sent more baby pictures for you to hang on the wall," Logan teased as he picked up the thick packet and scanned the front. "She's gotta cut the cord some-"

Logan's smile fell and his words stopped completely.

"Ah, let me guess. Your mommy sent embarrassing photos of _**you**_?" Kendall laughed, but his friend said nothing. "Logie, what's wrong?" his tone dropped into one of concern as he stepped closer to his friend.

"It's, uh, for you… I think…" he answered quietly, his face emotionless as he wracked his brain for a way to ease the blow that was about to be delivered. The boy beside him glanced over his shoulder and read what he held in his hands.

The large envelope had Kendall's name and address printed neatly on the front. There was no return address, only a name written in careful cursive: "Elliot".

Kendall almost dropped the grocery bags, but he was too alarmed to move a muscle as everything fell silent; only the rustling of the plastic swaying at his sides making a sound. He bit his lip with wide eyes and reached a shaking hand out to take the mail from Logan, who was shaking nearly just as much. He flipped the envelope over and shuddered with terror at what was scrawled on the back: "For Sage…"

* * *

"Yes! I win again," Carlos danced in his seat, his shoulders shimmying as his legs kicked beneath the table in celebration. He cheered and lifted his hands into the air, which meant raising one of Sage's along with them. She laughed as her arm moved around like a noodle and he started humming a victory tune while taking his prize; a pile of cheese puffs at the center of the table. They didn't have actual poker chips, and Carlos had smartly argued that food was better than plastic any day.

"That's because you're cheating," James gestured to his two friends with an irritated expression. Carlos was sitting closely beside Sage, and he was fully capable of seeing her cards if he wanted to.

"It's not my fault! Logan said we had to do this while he and Kendall went out. It's part of therapy. It's dese- " Carlos trailed off in confusion, unsure if he was thinking of the right word, and looked at Sage for assistance.

"Desensitization," she whispered back with a grin at James.

"That! Desensitization," Carlos snapped his fingers and repeated the word triumphantly.

"You almost got it that time," Sage leaned into him and kept her voice low as she praised him.

"I know," he giggled, sounding excited by his achievement.

"I'll give you something to desensitize," James glared playfully and flung one of his cards at Carlos' forehead, successfully pegging him between the eyes with the edge.

"Jerk," the harmed boy mumbled and rubbed his skin before reaching out for his trusty hockey helmet on the chair to his left. He placed it onto his head and tapped it twice as he grinned defiantly at James, who just rolled his eyes and tried not to chuckle along with Sage.

He picked up the cards on the table, sorting them to all face the same way in his hands so he could deal again. Shuffling them lazily, he stared at Carlos and Sage as the boy started to munch on his winnings and she wiped the flying crumbs away from her part of the table with soft laughter. James kept thinking about having that with her; being able to sit beside her without feeling her tense up. They hadn't gotten to that point in therapy yet, but it was on his mind more and more lately because it was finally going to happen. The date was set for later that night; he would have to touch her like Logan and Carlos could. James looked down at his lap, blindly dealing the cards to the others as he felt a depression shoving its way into his chest. He had been putting it off, but today was the day whether he liked it or not. He didn't know if he could handle the idea of Sage looking at him with the same expression she got when she'd talk about Elliot; with uncertainty, terror, and revulsion.

"Anything wild this time?" Sage asked nonchalantly, flipping the cards she was dealt over so that she could assess her hand.

"Don't say fours," Carlos begged James with humorously panicked eyes as he bent to the side and snuck a peek at what Sage had, which she never seemed to mind.

"I don't know why I keep playing with you two," James chuckled, relaxing and picking up his own cards.

Before anything else could be said, Kendall and Logan entered the apartment. They both carried grocery bags, but Kendall had a large envelope tucked under his arm as well. Carlos smiled at them in greeting, and James did the same while Sage still seemed to struggle to not go running for Kendall when he reappeared after being gone. She was getting better, though; remaining in her seat and tightening her hold on Carlos' hand.

"We have a problem," Logan announced carefully. He eyed them all as he shut the door and locked it. Kendall watched him until the task was done and then he let Logan take the bags from his arms and bring them to the kitchen, leaving him only holding the mail.

"They didn't have fudge pops?" Carlos cried with wide eyes, glancing at the bags as if he could see through them and spinning in his chair towards them so that Sage was forced to turn also.

"If they were out of my Cuda hairspray, I'm gonna have a meltdown… Just warning you," James pointed at the group and swiveled in his seat, giving them all a solid stare of caution.

"It's a little bigger than that," Kendall told them with reluctance as he stared at Sage nervously.

"What happened?" she was immediately on edge. She stood up, detached herself from a quiet Carlos, and moved towards Kendall.

"Nothing…" Logan responded quickly, not wanting her to be alarmed just yet.

"Then why does it sound like something?" she sighed tiredly and looked to Logan with a frown. She tried to read his mind, to connect on the level that they usually could, but he remained blank; not letting his eyes meet hers. The brown orbs kept themselves locked onto the envelope under Kendall's arm.

"That's from Elliot," Logan told her what he knew she was wondering and left the groceries unattended on the counter, not caring in the slightest if the frozen foods were going to melt. James and Carlos were immediately standing up with the rest of their family, the card game long forgotten.

"What is it?" James asked lowly. His voice was dark and guarded, and he was glaring at the envelope like it was the man who hurt Sage.

"Don't know," Kendall spoke hoarsely and held it out to Sage with a shaking hand. "It's says that it's for you," he flipped it over so she could see her name on the back.

"Oh, g-god," she started inhaling heavily and grabbed at her chest like her heart was going to leap out of it in fright. Her eyes clenched shut and Kendall acted instantly, not even thinking about leaving her to deal with it on her own like he was usually supposed to. This wasn't something she addressed every day. He handed the package to Carlos, who took it without a word, and then he wrapped Sage in a hug and listened to her breathing even out.

"It might not be bad… It'll be okay… We'll all protect you," he murmured into her hair as she clutched the back of his t-shirt. It took a full minute, but she then let him guide her towards the couch. He sat in the corner of the L-shape, Sage on his left with Logan beside her and Carlos on his right with James settling down beside him.

"Are we supposed to open it?" James was the first to suggest the idea while turning towards Carlos, who still held the envelope securely in his hands.

"Do you want to, Sage?" Logan took on his authoritative and calm tone, forgetting his own nerves in favor of being the levelheaded friend Sage usually needed during therapy.

"Uh, I don't know if I should," she answered quietly, sitting on the edge of the couch and rubbing her hands furiously at the knees of her jeans; her mind a jumbled mess.

"We could just trash it," Carlos suggested, trying out different options for the group. "I mean, it's not like it's gonna say he's coming for you in exactly four days and thirty two minutes," he added with an awkward smile, abruptly shutting up when Sage's eyes widened at the thought.

"Not helping," Kendall mumbled at his friend before turning to sooth Sage. She didn't appear too frazzled by the comment, having grown accustomed to Carlos' random words that never meant any harm.

"Sorry," Carlos hissed the apology, cursing himself while he stared at the thick packet in his hands.

"I think we should at least see what's inside. If you have too much trouble handling it, we'll stop… How does that sound?" Logan turned towards Sage and tucked a leg beneath him so that his back was to the kitchen and she had his full attention.

"O-Okay," she nodded slowly and reached out hesitantly to take the envelope from Carlos.

She ripped the sealed flap open, trying not to focus on the care Elliot obviously put into writing her name; each letter perfectly looped together in a straight line. The contents of the envelope were more than just a few papers. There was a bulky packet of multiple documents clipped together. On the top were a few sheets of loose-leaf paper folded together, neatly pressed three times horizontally. She threw aside the random documents, some of which she recognized from the safe in Elliot's room, and kept the lined paper in her cold hands. Unfolding it carefully, she held her breath when the words on the first page came into view.

"It's a letter," she whispered roughly, her throat going dry and her skin crawling. Kendall reached to touch her arm, and she jumped. She hadn't done that for a long time. "I don't think- Can you read it, Logan?" she held the pages out to him with a fragile look of helplessness. She didn't want to stare at the words herself. She'd never get through it.

"If you want me to…" he nodded and carefully took the folded papers from her hand, not wanting to startle her in her newly anxious state. He smoothed out the creases of the letter in his lap and tried to will away the sweating of his palms while Sage shifted back into Kendall.

She appeared to have relaxed into him again, wiggling around restlessly until she squirmed her way into his lap so that she could feel both of his arms fully around her. Kendall smiled minutely at the contact, thinking she was doing better than he had anticipated when he first saw the mail in the lobby. He worried that she would have gone right back to the beginning, where she was unable to be touched even by her boyfriend in most circumstances, but she was stronger now. They all were.

James picked at the hem of his shirt, Carlos took off his helmet nervously and fiddled with the straps, Kendall held onto his love tightly, and Sage returned the embrace as they waited for Logan to speak. He read the first words of Elliot's letter a few times, struggling to process it all before he began.

_Dear Sage, _

_I thought a lot about whether I should send this to you or not. I couldn't decide if it was going to help you or hurt you even more, but here it is anyway because I've never been good with self-control when it comes to you. I'm sending this to the last address the PI gave me for Kendall. I don't doubt that you're with him even though he moved on. I'm sure you found each other again, and I'm assuming that you're happy. I really hope you are, even though I'm not... _

_First, I think you should know that I'm not having you guys tailed, and I'm not coming after you. _

_I promise. _

_I don't know if that's because I don't think I should or if it's because I'm afraid of what will happen if I do. Either way, I left North Dakota, and I'm not going to tell you where I am. Just know that it's nowhere near you. I think that's all that matters. The house is still there. I technically own it, but it's yours if you want it. I don't think you're ever going to even go back to Ramsey, but, just in case, I left everything how it was. If you need anything other than what I've sent you, call Scott and he'll know how to get in contact with me._

Logan looked away from the letter as Sage shuffled through the rest of the envelope's contents. There were old adoption papers, her original birth certificate and social security card, along with a blank check that was signed but left undated. Only "For Sage" was written in the memo line just like it was on the back of the envelope.

She examined her birth certificate, a heavy exhale passing her tight lips and clenched teeth. "Sage Daniels" was written as her given name, and she almost wished that it was still true, but the documents behind the certificate changed that years ago. The adoption papers signed by Elliot, along with a few other important scraps, gave her the surname she held now, the one that connected her to her stepfather forever. She thought about changing it so many times in her months with the boys, but it wasn't even an option when she had no identification. However, now that she had what she'd need to at least attempt the process, she didn't even want to try anymore. In her mind, as well as Kendall's, she'd have her boyfriend's last name soon enough, and keeping "Henderson" was a way of holding onto everything she learned and worked hard to accomplish and move past.

"Why did he give you this?" Carlos asked quietly as he held up the blank check.

"He told me once that his money was _**ours**_… He has a lot of it from a settlement after his parents died in a house fire when he was really young…" Sage shrugged and looked back down at the birth certificate, her fingers tracing the small lines that made up her mother's name in the bottom corner.

"How much is 'a lot'? Can you actually get something worthwhile out of the prick?" James smirked humorlessly and huffed out a cynical breath, like he knew there was nothing good that could come from Elliot.

"He had enough for both of us to never have to work a day in our lives if we moved away together," she explained further, thinking of everything he used to tell her about; all of the plans he had for their future as a couple. "I don't want anything from him," she said more sternly. She leaned out of Kendall's grasp around her waist to remove the check from Carlos' hands and rip it up into several pieces. As the scraps hit the floor, she appeared to relax again for a moment and simply stared at the meaningless paper.

"We don't need his money," Kendall showed his support with the comment and a warm hand rubbing her upper back in large circles, knowing that he couldn't work all of the tension out but hoping that it would help.

"Still would have been a little fun to bleed him dry," James shared a grin with Kendall, who got a slight satisfaction just from the thought.

"Should I read more?" Logan directed the question right at Sage, leaning towards her minutely in silent understanding as she nodded.

"Yeah," was all she could manage to say as she slipped off of Kendall's lap so that she was able to see his face more easily, undoubtedly needing it to keep her sane at a time like this. One of her legs stayed on top of his, but the rest of her body curled beside him; her head turning to face Logan, who had the attention of the whole room as he cleared his throat.

_If I know you as well as I think I know you, you probably ripped up the check…_

Logan stopped with a dark smile while Sage cursed under her breath. Reminders of the connection Elliot had with her always sent her into a state of guilt and anger. She desperately wanted to be a stranger to her stepfather again; to be the person that she once was when all he did was hit her, but, then again, she never really was that girl. He was always inside of her head more than she realized.

She shook it off and gestured for Logan to continue, bracing herself for everything to come. Elliot constantly seemed to be able to get to her, and she had a sinking feeling that this letter wasn't going to be an exception.

… _you probably ripped up the check, but I thought I should send it to you anyway. I don't like the idea of you having nothing. Then again, you have Kendall, don't you? He'll take care of you. I know he will because he's like me. He loves you with everything he has. I didn't believe it for a while, but that was just me being jealous. He was my competition, and I guess he won. You're there and I'm here…_

_Anyway… I'm gone. _

_When I told Scott that I was leaving, he practically begged me not to. I almost told him the truth then. I love that guy like a brother, so I couldn't do that to him. I couldn't wreck everything he knew and looked up to for years. I know what it feels like to have your world turned upside down by a single minute, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I thought it would be better if I just left him without much notice. I said goodbye and promised to call, but I won't… _

_I'm supposed to be breaking all contact with that life I had in Ramsey, but I'm still writing you anyway… I shouldn't be doing this… I always break the rules for you. I break the rules I set for myself and the ones the world says I should be following, even the ones the job I dedicated everything to says I should live by… _

_I still don't know how to describe what I feel for you. It's definitely love, but love is supposed to be good, right? It's supposed to make everything better. It's supposed to make me happy. So, why did it make me ruin everything I touched? Why did it make me ruin you? _

_I thought you loved me back. I really, really did, and part of me hopes you still do, but then the louder half of my brain tells me that I messed up too bad. I fucked you up, and for that I'm sorry… I'm sorry for a lot of things. I'm sorry I met you and Julia in the first place. I'm sorry I didn't walk away. I'm sorry I stole her from you, and-_

Logan paused when Sage choked on the air she was breathing. There were tears falling down her cheeks, and she looked like she was spelling; her lips moving with silent words in a well-practiced manner that usually worked to calm her down. It didn't seem to be helping as much as she wanted it to, and she reached out for Kendall's hand. It was a last resort that she tried her best not to use, but she couldn't be so strong right now, not when the past was literally reoccurring in front of her.

"Want me to stop?" Logan wondered, his voice slow and soft as he attempted to not break either. By the looks in the entire group's eyes, he could tell that they were all going to cry eventually. Carlos was staring at his lap and biting at his lower lip, James had his hands clenched and his fists rubbing at the thighs of his jeans, and Kendall was letting his tears fall silently without even trying to wipe them away.

"K-Keep going… I w-want to hear the rest," Sage told him shakily. The sound of her was broken and wrong. It was so small, something that they hadn't heard since her first weeks with them.

"You're sure? It's okay if you can't do it, Sage. You could just take a break. We can't expect you to sit through this… I'm not sure you're ready," he admitted carefully. He wanted to give her a chance to back out just in case she was being stubborn. This was so much to deal with at once after everything they had been through.

"I- I think I am. I'm fine," she said in a tone that let him know she was more comfortable than he originally thought. Her eyes weren't distant anymore, but focused on the coffee table as she appeared to think deeply; concentrating and waiting for more of Elliot's words.

"Read more, Logie," Kendall broke him out of his own thoughts, making him jump in his seat and crinkle the papers in his hand before taking a calming breath and refocusing on the letter.

… _I'm sorry I stole her from you, and I'm sorry I let you think she left you like that. _

_I made so many mistakes, but I find myself not being filled with the regrets that I should have. _

_I may be sorry for so much, but I'm not sorry for falling in love with you, and I'm not sorry that I fought for it once I was in too deep. I'll never take back what I felt for you. I'm just going to try to forget it like I think you have. _

_How was it so easy for you? How did you sleep with me all those times and then just turn on me in the blink of an eye? I get why you did it, but I don't get how… I don't think I gave you enough credit. I thought I played my game perfectly, manipulating you and everyone in town, but you beat me. You used my own ways against me, and a silly piece of me was so proud of you; so proud because you were strong. _

_I love that part of you. I love that you fought back. No one else does that with me. Everyone gives me what I want or doesn't put up a good enough challenge when I try to get it, but you made everything hard; made everything worth it while I had it. _

_You told me to forget you. You told me to move on. You gave me a second chance. _

_I'm trying. I promise._

_But it's so hard. Everything I did for the last eight years has been for you. I'm almost 34 and I have nothing other than my job, but I guess that's my own fault. I'm trying to start over. I think I'm supposed to be someone new, but I keep finding myself wishing that I could be who I was years ago. I wish I could be the man I was before I ever met you… Sometimes I miss him as much as I miss you… Maybe more…_

_But I didn't think I'd miss you as much as I do now. I mean, I knew I would, but not in this way. My heart hurts every time I wake up and you're not there. I got used to that before, when you and I didn't really know each other and just lived together. I was good at not caring, but then I had you. Everything changed when you gave yourself to me._

_We were real._

_No matter what I'm doing, my whole day is devoted to you; thinking about what happened. I think about what I did and what I could have done differently. How could I have kept you?_

Kendall coughed lightly as he tried to clear the ache in his throat. It was almost as if he was forcing the air through his mouth and into his lungs. They all sat in silence and watched him squirm in his seat, his arm still around Sage's shoulders in a tight grip that was getting even tighter by the looks of his whitening knuckles.

He was feeling something akin to sympathy and understanding for Elliot, and it was flooring him to say the least. How Elliot felt without Sage registered with his own memories of him being in the same position. Kendall was agitated by the thoughts, but his first response was no longer anger. It was confusion. He didn't know how to deal with this new grasp on Elliot's state of mind. It made him ill. His eyes burned, and his head throbbed while his heart beat irregularly in panic.

At that moment, he truly comprehended the confliction Sage had described to him so many times.

"Do you need a minute, Kendall?" James appeared stressed out, like he could read Kendall's mind. Sage was silent beside him, but her hold on his hand was as strong as ever; like she was trying to comfort him this time as she started to realize what was happening in his head.

"I'm okay… I think… What does he say next?" Kendall's own voice sounded weird to him. It was like there was a literal rush through his ears when his thoughts raced, but he kept taking in the people around him and calmed down enough to focus on Sage, who was staring at him in depressing empathy. He smiled and relaxed when he fixated on the sensation of her body against his. It kept him warm. It kept him happy and reminded him that he was the one who had her, not Elliot.

He kissed her forehead firmly, sighing when she melted into him and her eyelashes tickled the skin of his jaw as she nuzzled into the action. He had to remember that she wasn't going anywhere; that he wasn't going to lose her again.

Logan hesitated for a few seconds, almost expecting a catastrophe, but then Sage and Kendall turned back to him and merely waited for him to read. Her fingernails were digging into the back of his hand, and his free palm was rubbing up and down on her arm more for his comfort than for hers, but they seemed relatively okay.

… _I think about what I did and what I could have done differently. How could I have kept you? How could I have made you stay? I know I deserve what I got, but it hurts. It hurts every day. I feel empty and useless. How did I get here? How did I become this person? I'm supposed to be a hero, Sage. I'm supposed to help people; save lives, not ruin them. Why did I ruin us both, then? I think you were right when you said I was sick. I don't want to be, though. I'm scared to be broken. I was always strong. My parents died, and I moved on. I got beat up in foster care, and I moved on. I've seen people die, and I've moved on. I killed someone, and I moved on. _

_But then you happened. Why can't I move on from you? What makes you special to me? What made me hold onto you so tight for so long? What made you worth losing everything else? You're just a girl… a young woman… but you got to me. Maybe it's the way you don't try to get to __**anyone**__. It's the way you don't let people in but make them feel special when they finally do because they cracked you. _

_I cracked you. I got to see you. You're so simple, sweet, and genuine. I haven't met too many people like that; someone who isn't pushing others out of their way to get what they want. I admired that in you. You let life happen to you and didn't force anything. You were so passive, but the best part was that it was a lie. You're not weak. You're brave. You're a fighter, and that almost made me love you more. I wanted to kiss you when you fought back because it felt like you knew inside your heart that you could get to me. I love that. I love that you saw me too. _

_You'll probably be the only one who ever did. _

_After this letter, I won't contact you anymore. I miss you. I want you, but you made your choice. I wish you would change your mind. If you ever did, I'd take you back in a heartbeat. I wouldn't even be mad at you. I wouldn't ask you questions. We could just go back to the way we were. I'd love you every day. I'd take care of you and give you everything you want. We could be a couple again. _

_But that won't happen, will it?_

_I was really stupid, but I'm not completely out of it. If you are reading this, you're with Kendall, and if you're with Kendall, I'll never get you back. You love him too much. You love him like I love you. I think I get that now. I was too blind to see it before. I thought he was some kid that just got to you. I thought he wormed his way into your heart because I made you vulnerable and alone, but it's real, isn't it? I hate him. I'm jealous of him. I admire him. _

_The fucker is always going to confuse me. He ruined everything, but then, sometimes, I think that maybe it was destined to be ruined. I shouldn't have taken you without your consent like I did. I think this is my punishment now. I'm alone. You probably want worse for me, and Kendall wants to kill me, but just know that I'm not okay. If it helps you, I'm suffering… _

_And I'm sorry. It doesn't feel like I can say it enough, and it's not going to make anything better anyway. That's why I have to stay away from you now that you've made your choice. _

_I can feel it inside of me, Sage. If I got close to you, if I fought to get you back, we'd all die. Nothing good would happen. I'd be a monster again, and I want that about as much as I want you out of my life. So, I'm going to try to be a good man again. I'm going to do it for you because doing it for myself doesn't motivate me like it should. If it did, I wouldn't be writing this. I wouldn't be in another state on the other side of the country and contemplating my own sanity. I would be a normal guy in Ramsey with a girlfriend my own age and maybe starting a family. _

_I'll never be normal. I know that now, and I'm sorry that I destroyed your chances at a normal life too. I shouldn't have dragged you down with me, but I can't rewind time. If I had that ability, I'd still be with you in ND. I'd be keeping a closer eye on you and putting more locks on the doors, and that's the scariest part. I wouldn't take any of it back. I feel so bad, but it's not enough to stop me from wishing I could set the clock back a few months. _

_I'm so sick…_

_That's why I'm staying away. That's why I'm trying to move on. It was your last wish for me, so I'm going to do it. _

_I'm sorry that I still love you. _

_-Elliot _

Logan held the papers tightly in his hands, not knowing what he should do in the deafening silence of the room. Sage wasn't even crying anymore. Kendall was watching her carefully while James and Carlos sat with their eyes on her as well. She twirled the pendant on her neck, and her thumb continuously brushed on the long scar beneath it.

"What now?" James spoke first. His voice was quiet and weak, and no one answered for several seconds. They didn't know the right response to the question. Elliot was as officially gone as he could get. He wasn't coming after Sage. There was still a bit of uncertainty in the air because of the source of the information, but it was all they had, and so far they were choosing to believe it.

"Does anyone else kinda f-feel bad… for h-him?" Carlos wondered shakily, licking his bottom lip before biting it in frustration as he looked at the papers in his friend's hands. "It was sorta…" he added on when he got no confirmation, but he couldn't figure out the right word.

"Pathetic?" Logan offered almost inaudibly, unsure if the term was the correct way to describe what they had just heard.

"I forgot how good he was at that," Sage smirked joylessly. It surprised them all. They had anticipated more tears or fear, but she almost seemed angry, and Kendall was oddly silent; his characteristic fury nowhere in sight.

"He talked like that all the time?" Kendall finally piped up, swallowing the large lump in his throat and sitting forward when Sage did.

"It's how he gets to you. He's honest no matter what… It's how he first changed our relationship when he told me about his feelings and my mom. He breaks everything down and starts from the beginning… Like a clean slate," she started with bitterness in her voice, but then it faded and came off as purely factual and as cold as they ever heard her. It was like she finally realized exactly how he was able to get inside her head and heart. The saddest part was that he didn't even do it on purpose. His weakness of vulnerability and a twisted form of honor was somehow his greatest strength. He was a conundrum that would most likely never be solved. It just got more warped as time went on.

"You're handling this well," Logan commented warily. He was still waiting for her to tear herself into tiny pieces like the check on the floor.

"I am… It's over. He's an asshole, and he's gone," Sage reached over and snatched the letter from Logan's hands with a wrath she never had with anyone other than Elliot; the one that was present when she fought back and hit him without any fear of the consequences. It was a power she forgot she had.

"That's good," Logan smiled proudly at the changes he could see in front of him, evidence of progress clear on her face, and he noticed Kendall grinning beside her. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pushed her hair back so that he could finger the chain on her neck as he pressed his forehead into her upper arm; savoring the sense of normalcy and peace he felt with this Sage making a reappearance. It was more of the girl he knew she was before being victimized to the point of mental scarring.

"We should probably postpone tonight's therapy… It's too much for you to tackle in one day," James chimed in as he watched Sage fold the letter and vigorously stuff it back into the envelope with the other documents. Carlos turned in the seat beside him and gazed at him with a curious expression. He couldn't comprehend the uneasy quality to his friend's voice, and he was trying to read him silently like he always could, but James gave him nothing. He wouldn't meet his eyes because he knew Carlos was looking right at him.

"The concern is sweet, James…" Sage glanced up just in time to see him plaster a weak smile on his face that was returning her full one of playfulness. It threw her off; unsure as to why he was so disgruntled if she wasn't. She didn't know what he was upset about. "… but I'm okay. I think it's a good idea to keep doing whatever we were gonna do… We can't let him interrupt our lives anymore… Right?" she explained slowly, shifting around to look at Logan to make sure she was correct in the assumption.

"Right," Logan nodded rapidly and leaned forward to pat her forearm in silent praise that she appeared grateful for. "We'll go on with therapy like we planned as long as that's what you want. James will start tonight with the physical stuff like Carlos and I have done," he stood up and took the package from Sage, thinking she didn't need to see it anymore. "I'll put this with the other documents that we have for emergencies," he smirked when Carlos shrugged sheepishly. They both knew he was talking about the reckless boy's old medical records from all of the various accidents he had been in.

"I'm going to the pool," James announced suddenly and hopped off of the couch to take long strides across the apartment, passing Logan in a flash and exiting into the hallway before anyone could speak.

"What's wrong with James?" Sage asked, a frown donning her once surprisingly pleasant expression.

"Don't stress about it, baby. You won't be able to figure him out until he explains it himself," Kendall already knew that something was up but merely sighed and leaned back into the couch, tugging Sage along with him. She settled against his chest and kept thinking about James anyway, startled by his shift in demeanor and his unwillingness to be open like he had always been with her.

"It usually takes a while, and his way of showing us what he's thinking is always a fuckin' slap to the face… but things normally get better with him after that," Carlos chuckled when he thought of the boy's way of dealing with what went on inside of his head. Even Logan seemed to take it lightly as he began unpacking the forgotten groceries with an unreadable expression. They had known James forever. They were used to his dramatic and evasive ways, but Sage couldn't shake the feeling that something was really wrong beyond him just being in a mood.

* * *

"No, Dad! I swear that I didn't break anything expensive this week… It kinda hurts that you don't believe me," Carlos pouted playfully even though Eduardo couldn't see it through the phone, and Sage laughed when she heard Mr. Garcia doing the same as Carlos sat beside her at the table. "Yeah, I love you too," he admitted with a smile and poked at Sage's ribs when she started to make mocking faces at him. "Have fun at dinner with Mom tonight, and tell her that I'll call on Wednesday for her birthday," he softened and reclined dangerously in his seat, making the chair stand on two legs instead of four. Sage scooted away from him a few inches and prepared herself to watch him hit the floor at any second. "Bye, Dad," he smiled like a young boy, only something that Carlos could pull off enough to make Sage feel like hugging him, and then ended the call.

"You're so cute with your parents," she told him and laughed when he almost tipped back fully in the chair before catching the edge of the table with one hand.

"I'm just an adorable guy," he shrugged in what he thought was a cool way and slipped his phone into the pocket of his jeans after he made sure the chair was flat on the floor again.

"It's nice to see someone with both of their parents. You turned out so normal," she stared at him, almost feeling envious of what he had.

With that pang of loss grabbing at her heart, her eyes immediately darted around the area for Kendall before she remembered he wasn't there. He had left with Logan to go to the library for a school assignment. The research couldn't wait because it was due Monday, and he had tried to stay with Sage after the morning's events, but she had insisted he do what he needed to. She was determined to not have their lives change any more than necessary just because Elliot reached out to her for the last time.

"Yeah, normal," Carlos scoffed and laughed before relaxing and slipping into a strained look. His brow was furrowed and he was grinding his teeth as he tapped his fingers on the tabletop.

"What's on your mind, Carlos?" she inquired softly. She knew that look on him. It was the one he got when he wanted to say something but wasn't sure if he should.

"Do you miss your mom? I saw you tracing her name on your birth certificate before…" he admitted gloomily, blowing out a heavy breath between his lips like he had been holding it in.

"A lot," she confessed, laying her head down on her arms over the table when it felt too heavy to remain sitting up. She twisted so that her cheek pressed against her wrist and she could see Carlos. He grinned and moved around so that he mirrored her exact position; both of them looking right at each other with their upper bodies on the table. "She died a long time ago, though… It's not so bad anymore. I just kinda wish that I had something to remember her by. Elliot got rid of everything except the ring I refused, and he didn't let me keep any pictures…"

"I could draw her!" Carlos sat up abruptly and found a new energy with his sudden idea.

Sage stayed silent in shock as she watched him rush around her chair and up the yellow swirly slide. It was often his choice of passage to the second floor because of its entertainment value compared to the stairs. He stumbled into his and Logan's bedroom in a hurry and reappeared almost just as quick with a black leather case, which was beat-up and worn, and a thick sketchbook in his hands. He held them tightly to his chest as he slid back down the slide and landed near Sage's chair.

"You can do that if I just describe her to you?" she realized what he meant as she watched him take his seat right beside her again, and she lit up with hope. She didn't know why she hadn't at least considered the idea before. Carlos was a fantastic artist. She loved all of the sketches he had created of her and the guys before he even met her, but he had pictures to work with then.

"I think I could manage. A few years ago, my dad got me a gig working with a sketch artist at the station. He said I was good, but I kept getting distracted and didn't listen when the witnesses were talking," he scratched the back of his head and blushed, and then his eyes widened when Sage smirked at him and raised an eyebrow, "… but I'll listen to you! I promise," his voice rose and he latched onto her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze of reassurance.

"Okay," she giggled and patted his hand once before letting it go so that he could flip to an empty page of his sketchbook and open his case of supplies. He picked out a charcoal pencil and made sure the tip was sharp enough. "Where do I start?" she wondered, staring at the blank paper in front of them.

"Um, just tell me what she looked like. Just talk about her," he thought for a moment and then placed the pencil near the top of the paper, his body going still as he waited. It was something that still amazed her about Carlos. He was constantly moving around, but he was so focused and calm when he dove into his art.

"She had hair like Karen's… It kind of waved no matter what she did with it, and the length was like mine, I guess," Sage spoke quietly and glanced down at the hair that reached past her collarbone to make sure she was describing it right. She only had her memory to go by, and things weren't the same back then. She was smaller and the world was a different place.

"What about the color?" Carlos didn't have any colored pencils out but asked anyway, already dragging the charcoal along the page as he pictured Mama Knight's locks.

"It was blonde, but I think it was a little darker than what I have. Somewhere between me and Kendall," she smiled and leaned against Carlos' shoulder just enough to see more clearly without jostling his arm. "That looks good," she commented with glee at just seeing the way he was drawing Julia's hair.

"Thanks… What about the shape of her face? Was it kinda round like mine and yours, or maybe longer like James or Kendall's?" he stopped sketching and waited as she mulled it over, trying to remember what her mother looked like as she sat next to her at the piano.

"Rounder, but it was still more of an oval…" she trailed off and watched him press the pencil back onto the drawing. It hovered in a curve-like pattern as Carlos imagined what the chin should look like before he actually drew a line with small swipes of the charcoal. It was closer than she thought it could ever be outside of her mind, and the unfinished image already had her feeling giddy. "I bet you get a lot of girls with this, Car. Everyone loves an artist," she smirked and nudged his side with her fist.

"Not really… I've only ever had one girlfriend," Carlos stopped drawing with an embarrassed smile.

"No way… What was her name?" Sage was amazed by the news. He was adorable and it was impossible to dislike him because of his outgoing attitude. She had a hard time believing that he wasn't almost just as popular as James when it came to dating.

"Roselynn," he spoke the word with an airy sigh, a smile gracing his lips before he could stop himself.

"I bet she was pretty," Sage assumed correctly, smirking when he started to tap the back of the pencil against the table restlessly.

"The prettiest," he nodded enthusiastically.

"So, what happened to her? Is she back in Minnesota?"

"Probably not anymore. Her and I broke up a little before Christmas. We both thought it was for the best because she was gonna move to New York for school at the end of the year anyway. After I came out here with the guys, we kind of lost contact… I bet she's in the city right now, getting ready for some awesome life," Carlos bit the inside of his cheek and put his eyes onto the sketchbook, but he made no move to flip the pencil back over to draw.

"You are too! You're in a band and being produced by a huge name in the music industry. You guys are gonna finish your album soon and you'll be famous before you know it," Sage told him, relaxing when his mood brightened; still unsure as to what had soured it to begin with. She didn't know if he felt like a failure or if he missed Roselynn. "Plus, you have that new girl you set your sights on… Arielle, right?"

"I have her number, but I didn't call yet," he reminded her with a casual shrug and pushed the pencil back against the paper to add a few thin, waved lines to the hair of the figure. "I keep chickening out every time I think of trying. She was beautiful… I've only been on casual dates since Rosie, and even she only went out with me after the guys helped me a little. I don't have experience with relationships like you and Kendall," Carlos stopped drawing again and folded one leg beneath him out of what Sage assumed was pure restlessness from sitting still for so long. She shifted too and was starting to feel a tad restless herself.

"You sound like Logan," she rolled her eyes and weaved a hand into her hair. "It's crazy that you think Kendall and I have all of this experience. We've only ever been with each other… Sort of ..." Sage became distant and her face fell. She wanted what she said to be the truth, but it wasn't anymore. She had been with someone else. She had been with Elliot.

"But you guys were so sure right from the start. For everyone else, there's this weird phase of getting to know one another and then I usually scare the girl off and it becomes this big complicated thing… Sometimes it's easier to just rely on our family instead of other relationships," Carlos argued weakly as he fiddled with the pencil in his hand. He and Sage were facing each other completely now, the sketch forgotten at the moment.

"You know… It still blows my mind that you're here with us. You seem so happy and normal. I don't know why you put yourself around people with problems," she narrowed her eyes, studying him like she could read the answer on his face. They all had terrible pasts, but Carlos had a good family and two loving parents. He was set to have a fulfilling and stress-free life, but then he changed that by choice.

"I never felt like I fit in with the average people… I went up to Logan on the first day of kindergarten because he was quiet and by himself. James was alone too, and then Kendall stormed in like he owned the place, and it was history from there. We were all really different but still inseparable… That's how I knew that you and Kendall would be together again; because he found us after so many years of being apart. Fate brought us all here," Carlos smiled and was sure of his beliefs and that things would always work out in the end.

"You believe in fate…" Sage tilted her head, speaking her words in more of a statement rather than a question.

"I don't know, but I'm not sure I love the idea of us all just doing our own thing. I kinda like to think that we have little angels on our shoulders guiding us along the way," he smirked and tapped his shoulder as if he were thanking it for the assistance, causing Sage to chuckle.

"You're way too optimistic to be around this family... James has a new drama every day. Kendall's fucked up because I am, and Logan is Logan," she joked, but it wasn't a lie.

"That's why you guys need me. I'm like a superhero," Carlos winked playfully and puffed out his chest, his hands balling into fists against his hips.

"So you stick around to keep us sane?" she played along, making him smile. He loved that she didn't argue with him. The others usually had a smartass comment to make.

"I stick around because I love you," he told her easily, keeping his expression straight and serious before smiling again, "and I need all of you too… I'm the kind of guy who would probably be dead or doing something to cause my death if I didn't have my family to focus on… I think I need that; focus, goals, and things to look forward to… Being spontaneous is fun most of the time, but comfort and consistency is what keeps me happy. It keeps me okay." He drew with the charcoal on his palm absentmindedly as Sage gazed at him.

"You are a lot more insightful than you like to take credit for, Carlos Garcia," she shook her head in disbelief.

"I try my best… but don't tell Logie or he's gonna start expecting me to do my homework," he looked alarmed but then punched her shoulder lightly when she laughed.

They both jumped when Sage's cell phone went off. She dug it out of her pocket quickly, thinking it might have been Kendall checking in or having a crisis after the letter earlier, but she relaxed when she saw that it was a text from Camille. She wanted her to come up to the apartment to help pick an outfit for an audition she had the next day.

"It's Cam. I gotta go up-"

Sage stopped when Kendall came in quietly. Even though he had left with him, Logan was nowhere to be seen now.

"Hey, where's Logan?" Sage stood in greeting, knowing that he was going to make a move to hug her after the scare they had that morning.

"He stayed at the library. I researched with him for a while, but then I got bored, which meant I got obnoxious, and he sent me on my way," Kendall shrugged with a smug smirk and waved his hands to the side in demonstration as he thought about how easy it was to dupe Logan into taking on the assignment when he got fed up with it. Carlos instantly knew what he was talking about and laughed at the memories of him doing the same thing to an overly studious Logan.

"That always works," he grinned and tossed his pencil on the table, his face falling when he saw the drawing he had left there. "We didn't finish yet… and I promised not to get distracted," he looked up at Sage and stomped his foot with a huff when realized that the sketch of Julia was barely done.

"Kendall, stop trying to trick Logan into doing the work by himself," she addressed her boyfriend first with a disapproving glare, and then turned to Carlos, "and it's alright. We'll work on it later," she held Kendall's hand with one of her own and used the other to flip the sketchbook closed while Carlos zipped up his supply case.

"What are you working on, and why can't you do it now?" Kendall tugged her closer, already knowing that she was going to leave before she confirmed his suspicion.

"He was drawing my mom," she murmured into his chest. She felt warm in his hug, but reluctantly pulled back anyway after Kendall made a small hum of acknowledgment into her neck. "And I'm off to see Cam. She wants a girly companion to help pick out clothes for an audition," she paused when he frowned. He tried to cover it up, but he wasn't that good at it. "You could come with me. Maybe she will put you in a skirt and we can take pictures," she kissed his cheek when he rolled his eyes and started to caress her sides with his fingertips.

"I don't think I approve of this friendship with Camille," he joked and pulled her in for one more hug before gloomily releasing her.

"Too bad," Sage just grinned and headed for the door.

She only visibly hesitated once when the hallway came into view as she swung the door open and clutched her cell phone tightly in her hand. It got easier with practice. So far, she had only been out to the pool that one time with Kendall and the guys, but ever since then she began venturing to Camille's occasionally during the day. The staircase was her only means of travel when she was by herself. The elevator was too claustrophobic for her liking, and Camille's door was closer to the stairwell. Because of her extreme "agoraphobia", the actress would wait outside in the hallway for her when she knew she was on her way up. She didn't know the details, but Camille was always careful with Sage and still managed to bring her out of her shell once in a while too.

Kendall stared at the door for a long time after his girlfriend shut it behind her. His eyes didn't hold their usual look of longing. There was something more. It was a lot of frustration, and it was palpable to Carlos.

"What's wrong?" he splashed Kendall out of his stupor after washing his hands clean of the charcoal, flinging cold droplets of water onto the back of the blonde's head and neck. He yelped and turned around to glare at Carlos with wide eyes, looking at him as if he just remembered that he was there. "You have a weird face," he squinted and studied Kendall while wiping his wet hands on his shirt sloppily.

"And yours is so stunning," he bit back sarcastically as he rubbed the water off of his skin.

"Shut up. I mean you look upset… Sage won't be gone for long, you know? She likes being at Camille's, but she always hurries back when you're home," Carlos chuckled and opened the fridge to look for a snack. He found a box of frozen corndogs and pumped his fist through the air, spinning on his heels to search for a clean sheet pan.

"I know, but that's not what's bothering me… It's something else…" Kendall admitted timidly, slipping by Carlos and moving to the oven. He hit a few buttons to preheat it for his friend's favorite food and hopped up beside the stove, kicking his legs against the counter by his feet as he leaned forward to stare at the linoleum floor.

"Man, it feels like _**I**_ should be the therapist today. Stuff is getting all kinds of deep," Carlos seemed both surprised and pleased with himself as he threw the metal pan onto the countertop across from Kendall. He dumped the frozen corndogs onto it and tossed it into the oven, having no patience for it to actually preheat. "Lay it on me," he folded his arms over his chest like he was ready for Kendall to challenge him.

"Well, I should be talking to Sage about this, but I don't want to do it until after tonight's therapy," he confessed with a heavy sigh.

He knew that what he had to say was important because of how much it was impacting him, but Sage had a lot to deal with without hearing his problems first. He understood that he couldn't dodge them or lie, but he wanted to put it off to spare her, because even he didn't really know how to put what he was feeling into words. Everything was jumbled in his head after the morning they had.

"I need to run something by you," Kendall got closer to his point but still seemed reluctant.

"Shoot," Carlos kept his arms folded and propped himself up on the counter across from the other boy near the sink.

"… and I'm only talking to you this because you're _**you**_. You can't lie," Kendall continued rambling, not listening to Carlos as he played with the hem of his shirt.

"Not true. I'm a great actor. James told me so a while ago," he argued petulantly.

"Was he drunk?" Kendall appeared exhausted when he asked the question, like he already knew the answer. Realization coated Carlos' face.

"Maybe," he put on an air of indifference and glanced around the kitchen.

"Anyway…" Kendall redirected them and Carlos focused on his friend's hidden problem again. "I can be a dick," he announced without preamble, eliciting a chuckle from the other teen.

"So can James, but he's still my partner in crime. What's your point?" he countered easily, unfolding his arms so he could lean back and get a better view of Kendall.

"B-But I can be a _**bad**_ person… I can be an ass, but I cover it up with charm and a stupid smirk and a cool demeanor, and _**I get away with it**_… I'm terrible. I'm _**that**_ guy; the guy that can do no wrong, but really does everything wrong," Kendall took a deep breath and frowned after letting out the thoughts he was holding in. His head hit the upper cabinet behind him and his eyes slipped shut as he exhaled loudly.

"You're sorry, though. You always try to be better and fix things. We all do. No one's perfect, Kendall… What brought all of this on?" Carlos stared at him in shock, all humor gone from his attitude. He hated seeing his brother feeling so negatively about himself.

"The fuckin' letter," Kendall groaned and covered his face with his hands, and Carlos instantly understood.

"You're _**not**_ Elliot," Carlos told him firmly, but the blonde wasn't willing to hear it.

"In another world, I could have been. Everything he said he was experiencing because of Sage being gone was almost exactly what I was like in Sherwood when I lost her… Can you tell me that the way I feel about Sage is _**normal**_ or _**healthy**_? Yeah, everything's okay because she feels exactly the same, and we're happy, but what if she _**didn't**_? What would I have been like in Ramsey? I would have been alone with no friends and nothing to hold me down other than Katie and Mom, but I'm the one who is supposed to keep _**them**_ grounded… If I fell in love with Sage that night at the hospital, and she didn't love me back, I could… I could have beco- "

"Shut the fuck up," Carlos interrupted him with a voice so strong and fierce that it didn't sound like the boy Kendall knew at first. His eyes landed on him just in time to watch him slip off of the counter and close the space between them so that he had no choice but to look right at Carlos. "Don't ever talk like that. Just because Elliot makes you _**feel**_ something other than anger doesn't mean that you get to shit all over yourself for this… Your only problem is taking on everyone else's problems. You're everyone's hero, even a bit of Elliot's right now. He's feeling how you did. So what? That doesn't make it right, and that doesn't make you twins… Elliot is evil."

Kendall flinched at the term because he now understood that it wasn't true, at least not entirely. No one is all bad like he used to believe.

"Even if he wasn't before, he's made terrible choices, and he doesn't try to make up for them. He's not redeemable," Carlos continued without missing a beat, reading his friend's mind and body language. "That's where you're different. You can be saved, Kendall. You do it every day for yourself because you're strong. You don't give up or give in like he did. You refuse to give into the dark place you're so scared of no matter how hard it fights you, and that's why you're good and he's bad."

Staring down at the floor again, Kendall still looked unconvinced, but he did appear calmer than when he began.

"You might have things in common with Elliot that you couldn't see before, but you'll never be him and he'll never be you. That's why Sage is _**here**_. That's why she ran for _**you**_, why she risked her life and sanity for you… You're worth a lot just on your own, Kendall, and I think it's about time you start to believe that," Carlos lowered his voice into a pleading tone and stepped back to give the stressed boy some space.

Kendall almost wanted to laugh because Carlos could see the power in him but never in himself. He always put his own issues aside, and he actually did a brilliant job of looking on and keeping things under control in subtle ways, but, sometimes, Carlos didn't give himself enough credit. Right now, Kendall thought that it was a tragedy because the boy just made him feel like everything was good again with just simple, honest words.

"It's scary how much I felt myself sympathizing with him, Carlos," he mumbled sadly and thought more about the words in the letter. "He said exactly what I was feeling back then. I thought no one was ever really gonna get it, you know? But he does… Elliot, of all people, shares my fuckin' problems," Kendall laughed, but there wasn't a single speck of humor in it.

"It's a trip," Carlos agreed and dug his hands into his pockets when he found himself at a loss for words.

"I'm so messed up. Everything's messed up… Why do you stick around for this shit?" Kendall smiled at him tiredly.

"Why is everyone asking me that? You're starting to make me feel crazy. If I didn't know how loveable I was, I'd think you were trying to get rid of me," Carlos punched him in the knee and made him wince.

The effortless contact and the simplicity with which it was delivered had Kendall relaxing. Maybe there was something to Logan's honesty policy. Just letting his emotions out and pushing the weight off of his shoulders made everything easier to live through.

"I'm not a god, dude. I'm just Carlos. Sure, some things are easier for me, I guess, and I don't have it as bad as a lot of people, but I need you guys just as much as you need me," Carlos reassured him just like he had done for Sage only minutes earlier, mentally finding the couple's similarities creepily on point with their timing. "When I do need help seeing the light on something, if I'm a stubborn ass like you, you'll help me, right?" he grinned at Kendall, who smirked back easily. He kicked his legs out so that his sneakers collided with Carlos' thighs in a strong enough impact to make him stumble before straightening himself and raising a leg to continue the roughhousing with a grateful Kendall.

"Of course, that's what brothers do."

* * *

"Did James ever come back from the pool?" Logan scanned the large area of the apartment for their missing friend while Sage stood near the kitchen with Kendall. She was holding his hand as long as she could before therapy started.

"Yeah, a little while ago. James!" Carlos sat on top of the kitchen table with Logan standing beside him as he screamed for the boy who had hidden himself in his bedroom almost as soon as he got back home a bit after sunset.

"I'm coming," James grumbled and was already walking down the hallway when Carlos had shouted, his head down and his hands in his pockets. "Hey," he nodded a greeting at Sage, inwardly happy that she appeared fine since he saw her that morning, but he put a nonchalant expression on that included a small smile, which was just enough to make them all think he was normal.

"Nice of you to join us," Logan scolded him playfully, frowning when he didn't receive much of a response. James usually took the bait with him like no one else. It was how they worked; with sarcastic comments and little jabs at each other. He expected some retort about having a full schedule because of popularity, but he just got a shrug.

"Are we gonna start?" James walked over to Sage and Kendall and stood close to the couple. His proximity wasn't going to be the problem tonight. Contact was the issue.

"Yup, as soon as Kendall is able to detach himself," Logan grinned and leaned back against the table where Carlos was sitting and snickering.

"Come on, I'm not that bad anymore," the boy growled and then ironically spent a good amount of time kissing his girlfriend goodbye even though he wasn't really going anywhere. Ignoring the cackling from Carlos, which James oddly wasn't joining in on, Kendall strolled over to the couch and sat sideways on it so that he was facing the kitchen to see Sage and James but was far enough so that he wasn't interfering.

"Alright, I guess we'll just go for it. You've made a lot of progress, and James can get near you, but we have to tackle the physical contact now. If we do that, you'll be on your way to getting as normal as we can manage," Logan shared a smile with Sage, knowing that they both understood that they'd never be normal at all.

"Okay, I'm ready…" she chewed at her lip and shook her hands out as if it could stop her nerves from jumping. She had to keep reminding herself that it was only James; her funny, sweet, and dramatic best friend. They spent tons of time together, but they never touched except for when she had him do it weeks ago to prove a point; one that showed she couldn't handle it. She was hoping things were different now, but she wasn't delusional. James was still last for a reason. He was the strongest, which meant the most dangerous in her head.

"James, I want you to grab her arm, and don't ease into it. Just grab her like she's gonna fall and you need to catch her," Logan instructed, trying to use a scenario that might come into play in their everyday lives. Sage had to be prepared around them. She needed to be able to trust them if she wanted to get to the next step of leaving the apartment for more than just Camille.

James appeared to think for a moment, everything falling silent as Sage kept her head down. She stared at the floor and then back up to James' hand nervously. It was still hanging at his side, but it seemed closer. She could feel it like the sun burning her skin, making her anticipate the worst of everything, but she was as ready as she could be for it, and she wanted to accomplish this. She was the face of determination and fear, but James was another story.

He was pure fear; silent and frozen. He wished that he had asked Logan how he was supposed to breathe because he felt like he was gravely close to passing out. His palms were sweaty and his heart was hammering harder than he could remember it ever going as he panicked. Pushing it away and putting on a false expression of resolve, he lifted his hand and stilled when he saw Sage clench her eyes shut. He ignored Logan, Kendall, and Carlos' focused gazes, and put all of his attention on the tiny space between him and Sage. He could almost feel her shaking without him even touching her with his raised hand. Her arm was wavering, and her posture was tense and stiff. She was ready, but he wasn't.

James sucked in a breath and pivoted on his heels, spinning around to face the door before striding towards it.

"What's happening?" Sage asked suddenly. Her eyes had still been shut, but then she opened them and glanced around in confusion.

"He's running," Logan announced in astonishment, the four of them frozen as they saw James unlock the door and open it to step into the hallway.

"What?" Sage yelled in shock and hesitated only for a second before she was rushing after him with the others right behind her; Kendall scrambling off of the couch and Carlos sliding off of the table so fast that they beat Logan to the spot behind Sage as she entered the hall. "Carlos…" she said his name for help. She wanted to stop James, who was heading for the elevator with committed movements, but she couldn't touch him.

With just his name spoken, Carlos knew what she needed. He nodded and sprinted up to James, grabbing him around the waist. If it wasn't so sad, it would have been comical to see the shortest band member overpowering and lifting the tallest off of his feet in a strong grasp. James squirmed in his vice-like arms and even kicked a bit as Carlos forced him back towards their apartment door, where Logan and Kendall stood together on either side of the doorframe and Sage had stopped just outside of it.

"Get the fuck off of me, man," James warned his friend with a glare he couldn't see.

"No, you're staying," Carlos told him, shaking his head when James almost got loose.

"I'm not kidding!"

"Neither are we," Kendall informed him strictly and watched James drop his feet to the ground as Carlos switched tactics and spun them around so that he was pulling rather than pushing with the fighting boy's feet dragging against the carpet.

"If Sage isn't allowed to run, you aren't either," Logan spoke softly as Carlos deposited James in front of them.

"We're all in this together, so talk," Kendall begged helplessly. He wasn't used to being on this side of things. He was always the one opposing everything.

"I don't need therapy," James rolled his eyes and laughed bitterly at his own weak joke.

"We all need therapy," Logan opposed him as quickly as possible, folding his arms over his chest and shooting a lopsided grin at Sage.

James groaned and just wanted to leave. He wanted to escape. He couldn't face these things head on. He wasn't that brave. His attempt to make a run for it failed completely when he turned around to see Carlos standing right there. The boy looked him in the eye with pity and resilience, shaking his head with two quick jerks, and then James new he was staying whether he liked it or not.

"Can we just do this another time? You need a break after the letter this morning," James swallowed thickly and plastered a smile on his face as he glanced at Sage, who was studying him more than he liked.

"Stop using that as an excuse… We were supposed to be doing this over a week ago, but I kept putting it off because you asked me to. It's time now, James," Logan started to understand what was happening, or at least the hidden evidence that had led up to it.

He was upset with himself for not seeing just how much James was trying to resist. Logan's mind had been elsewhere, juggling so many things at once, and his friend was a good actor; displaying nonchalance and calmness about the whole thing, but now he was cracking in the face of it all. He wished he saw it beforehand. James had been dodging this for a while, but he hadn't realized it until everything was blowing up now. He should have noticed the way the boy had delivered excuse after excuse when they would discuss his involvement with Sage's therapy.

"What if I refuse?" James' typical resistance was on full force. His expression fierce and solid, and that usually meant the conversation was going to be over before it really began, but Sage changed things.

"What if I need you not to?" she asked James simply. He blinked rapidly, not expecting to get so much opposition from her in a response to his own. He had really been expecting to be able to leave without a problem, but they didn't let him run. He still didn't want to talk, though, so he stayed silent. "I need you to help me with this… Please? You're the only one who can…" she continued, knowing that he had heard it all already. She just wanted him to stay so she could figure out what the real problem was. James' walls were thick and built with years of practice. She needed time to see through them. She thought she had made progress with it before, but apparently there was much more than she had originally witnessed.

"I thought I could do it, but I can't," James informed her defensively, not letting his hazel eyes land on her green ones.

"Why not?" she asked carefully. She sounded about as small as he felt.

"Because you're gonna cry," he answered rapidly, raising his voice like they were all idiots for not understanding.

"It's kinda par for the course. You've seen it before," Logan's brow furrowed as he pressed a shoulder into the doorframe and looked more closely at James.

"But I've never caused it," he mumbled, his façade breaking for a split second before he shook himself back into it; his expression going solid again as he stared at Sage and tried to explain himself. "I- You… You let me in, and I let you in too. You know things only they know," he stopped and pointed at the guys. Logan took a deep breath, finally realizing what was happening, while Kendall and Carlos gazed at him in a slower moving understanding. "That's so rare for me, and I can't let you push me away. I couldn't take it if you hated me," James sighed and almost broke again, but stayed strong.

"I could never hate you, James. This won't change anything. You know that," Sage fought carefully, attempting to get him to remember what he already knew, but he shook his head so hard that his neck should have hurt.

"When you cry because I'm touching you, it changes _**everything**_… You won't look at me the same. You won't think of me the same. We won't be able to go back…"

He felt foolish because it seemed like just yesterday when he was erasing this exact fear from Carlos' mind, but the emotion was too powerful, and Carlos was Carlos. He's James, and that was an entirely different ballgame. According to him, he didn't deserve the same things his best friends did. He always put himself on the outside. No matter how much he acted like he was above them, he knew the truth. In his heart, he resigned himself to a seat way below them; on the ground and in the dirt. He worked so hard to just keep himself afloat, to keep himself from disappearing and falling into the fake life he built for himself. Sage and his brothers were the few real things he had, and the thought of them slipping through his fingers was enough to have his heart struggling to beat at all. He felt like he could suffocate, and he wasn't sure how he was even standing anymore.

Placing his hand on the wall for support, James squeezed his eyes shut as if it could make everything better; as if he hoped that, once he opened them again, the whole day would start over with no letter from Elliot and no talk of more therapy. He wanted the doubts to go away. He wanted to go back to how they used to be. He and Sage were good before. According to him, you weren't supposed to fuck with a good thing. You didn't rock the boat or try to fix what wasn't broken.

"Why do we need to touch anyway?"

"You kinda look like you could use a hug," Sage was teasing, but it was the truth too, and James jumped because he hadn't realized that he had spoken aloud. "This is just one thing, one step between us. It's a small bump in the road," she kept speaking cautiously and tried to sound as calm as he needed her to be.

"Yeah, on the way to driving off of a cliff," James argued intensely, showing no signs of backing down.

"Why do you think it can only end one way?" she inquired forlornly. She was beginning to comprehend that his issue went way beyond this conversation.

"That's how relationships are. They're real or they're not. They're good or they're bad. They'll work or they won't… There's nothing in between," he told her confidently. He felt tired and knew he wasn't going anywhere anytime soon, so he twisted around and pressed his shoulder blades into the wall beside Sage; facing the others at the door since Carlos had joined Kendall and Logan.

"You're wrong. There's so much more between the beginning and the end," Sage argued just as firmly, but she let more emotion shine through. She spoke the truth. Elliot had proven her point, and Logan helped her believe it. People weren't just one thing to her, and relationships weren't either.

"Not for me," he whispered and cleared his throat while remaining guarded.

"What makes you so special?" Sage's demeanor changed into a stronger one, not holding back any longer because of James' seemingly permanent resistance.

"I'm the only one who seems to want to protect themselves from failure!" James shouted suddenly before composing himself again with a roll of his shoulders and a hand smoothing the crease on the front of his shirt. Sage tended to get to him, and he didn't know how much he liked it. "You guys just keep welcoming disasters with open arms. I can't take chances like that… I have so little as it is. I have to hold onto it," he nodded for himself, almost like he was trying to believe his own argument.

"I don't understand why you're afraid, Jamie."

He shuddered and struggled not to break into sobs when she showed him such a large amount of compassion and care. She should have been giving up by now. That's what he had expected, but, like his brothers, she refused to let him hurt himself.

"You always seem so brave, and now you look like me; like you're gonna break," Sage sighed and kept examining him.

He didn't like that. He didn't want her to see him.

"If you want to do this, fine. Let's go… I had a moment, but I'm good now…" he pushed himself off of the wall and shoved his way past the guys blocking the door.

"No you're not," Kendall laughed dryly and ran a hand through his hair as het let Sage pass him too. He stared at her long enough to know that she was as okay as she was going to get, and he figured it was time to move on if James wasn't going to give them anything else. Nothing was resolved, but they couldn't do anything about it if he shut down.

"Whatever. I'm done talking about it," James said icily, causing Kendall to hold his hands up in surrender. Logan just closed his eyes in disappointment, and Carlos shut the door again with a frown. "I'm ready… Really," James calmed himself down enough so that he wouldn't scare Sage more than expected. He was upset, but he didn't want to transfer that to her. She wasn't really to blame for his attitude.

"Then grab her," Logan ordered him with a wave of his hand.

Awkwardness had settled over the room, and they all weren't sure how to act. Kendall scratched the back of his neck and watched James like a hawk as he approached Sage. Carlos sat at the table, in a chair this time, while Logan stood beside him and stared at Sage's face carefully, doing his best to become her therapist at the moment rather than James' perturbed friend.

Sage didn't shut her eyes like before, not wanting to miss it if James took off again. She looked right into his eyes and held her arm out to him, waiting for the dreaded connection. His features were blank, and he wasn't really returning her look because he knew that, if he did, he'd see the anxiety and building tears that would match his own. Sage was becoming more resilient every day. The reaction to Elliot's letter had shown that, but she wasn't healthy yet. Her mind was still confused and fractured. Nothing was easy.

James shook and hesitated, but he latched onto her just as he was supposed to. The whine that left her mouth made him hiss and look down at the hardwood flooring beneath his feet. He knew she must have been having a rough time because the touch was burning even him. It was like a fire of guilt in his heart and on all of the points that his fingers made contact with her forearm as they curled around her in a solid grip.

"No," she murmured erratically in protest, and he felt her try to pull away. He wanted to detach himself, but he remained strong. He didn't move at all, and his face stayed casted downward.

"What's your level, Sage?" Logan's voice filtered through both of their fogged minds. James wanted to answer for her and call it quits, but she spoke first.

"Eleven," she exaggerated, beginning to squirm and cry. She wasn't giving in, though. They anticipated terror but not the fight. Her eyes were closed and the blank canvas was showing nothing but Elliot; reaching for her, touching her, grabbing at her like she belonged to him.

James gasped along with the others when her fist connected with his torso. It was a weak punch, more of a slap, but she did it again as she panted in exertion.

"Are you okay, James?" Logan turned his questioning towards him, letting Sage work through whatever she was feeling as long as James could handle it.

"I'm fine," he answered coldly. His voice held nothing but the words.

No emotion or inflection was present when he finally took his eyes off of the floor when he heard his name through his daze. He wished he didn't do it. Carlos was trying to look at him, but he refused to let him just like that morning. He knew he would be able to see more than he'd like if he met his eyes, so he focused on the boy's mouth, which was pulled down into a frown. That's when James realized he was crying. He could feel the wetness running along his cheeks now that his face was straight up.

His thoughts broke again when Sage hit him for the third time and tried to tug out of his hold even more. It was exactly what he didn't want; what he couldn't handle. It felt too much like hatred.

He let go, and everything stilled. Sage's crying and struggling ceased and James felt like he could breathe again. Kendall sat down near Carlos so he wouldn't run over, and Logan stared at James in confusion. They never stopped unless he said to. Carlos had never done it once, and James always seemed to agree with the way things were structured, but not anymore. He quit before Sage did.

"Why were you fighting this time?" Logan eyed James curiously but chose to keep his attention on Sage so she didn't feel alone after what just happened. She liked his questions. They helped her come out of her haze.

"I wanted Elliot off of me," she answered truthfully.

She hadn't seen James at all. He turned into her stepfather almost as soon as he touched her. The way she just spoke was always how they talked during therapy when things got intense. They understood that her brain dragged her into the past, but it seemed to shake James this time. He flinched again and rubbed the hand that had made contact with her against his hip as if he wanted to get rid of it. He was hurting, and he wished the pain and discomfort would go away. He had always been so comfortable in his skin, but now it was crawling, and he wanted to escape. He couldn't take the guilt and feelings of shame he felt or his part in causing her reaction.

"We're done for tonight." He spoke quietly and firmly.

It sounded more like, "I'm done for tonight."

"James, it was only like thirty seconds. You- " Carlos started lightly with the intention of cheering him on like he had done for him so many times before, but James interrupted him.

"What's your fucking point?" he was harsh and confused. He had a hard time believing that the connection had only lasted for thirty seconds. It felt like an eternity.

He didn't stay behind to see Carlos' expression of sadness that he knew without a doubt was there. He hurried past Sage and disappeared into his room, reemerging with his jacket before anyone spoke; digging into the pocket of the clothing to pull out his wallet to make sure he had money for a cab and the club.

"Be back later," he shut down and didn't even look up at any of them as he reached the door, opened it, and then slammed it shut behind him. No one chased him this time, and deep down they already knew that "later" probably meant the next day.

Carlos almost stood up to rush after him, but stayed seated instead. No one could get to James when he got like this. He had to be the one to act first. Logan huffed and rubbed his temples while Kendall grinded his teeth. He understood James as much as he could at the moment. Being compared to Elliot was no picnic.

Sage just stared at the door in silence. They had all told her about James' defenses before, and she took their explanations as facts, but she hadn't actually witnessed it. This was the first time she saw the other half of James Diamond; the half that was rash, reckless, and ruthless when he let his fear drive him.

When James handled things like this, it meant that he had reached his limit. He couldn't cope. He wasn't logical like Logan, positive like Carlos, or strong like Kendall. On the inside, he believed that he was stupid, narcissistic, and weak. How he felt couldn't be fixed with words and hugs. It was a part of who he was and who he thought he would always be.

* * *

**A/N: So, James' drama is obviously not over yet ;) Things will pick up almost right after this next chapter… Also, there was some subtle foreshadowing laced in here (some about Carlos and a lot about James' future angst lol). And I really loved Elliot's letter (and maybe we'll see him again... maybe not... okay.. maybe we will... maybe...lol) **

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this chapter :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I appreciate any feedback and I love meeting fellow readers/fans of BTR. Don't be shy :)**


	40. Big Time Harmony

**A/N: Can I just say that I REALLY enjoyed writing Gustavo and Kelly here for some reason? Lol I like them :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**Check it out: **_Surfergal23_**'s wonderful Kendall/OC story, Hooked.**

**Also: You HAVE to give Something to Sleep to by **_so-complicated_** a look too! :) It's just starting but it will be FANTASTIC (trust me ;)**

**On with PTS! :D Please, enjoy and review :) **

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 40: BIG TIME HARMONY_

* * *

Sage sat on the edge of her and Kendall's bed, something she had been practicing lately, and traced the edges of her mother's face with her index finger. The night before, after James had hurried out, she was upset and needed a distraction, so Carlos finished the drawing of Julia with her. It was as close to perfect as she could ever imagine it. He even filled it in with color and put it into a frame so she wouldn't smudge the charcoal lines when she touched it, which is what she felt like she had to do every time she looked at the encased artwork.

She smiled and listened to Kendall singing in the bathroom, the occasional sound of running water filtering through the soft melody of his voice as he got dressed for the day. She tapped her fingers against the framed image of Julia one more time, thinking that she would have adored Kendall, and then placed the picture back onto the nightstand at the side of the bed that she could call hers if she'd just get over the fear of being in it for too long.

Her feet were still planted on the floor, and the bottoms of her shoes scuffed against the carpet as she shifted uneasily. She rarely tried to even touch the mattress without Kendall near her, but she had a new mental motto of pushing her own boundaries ever since they got the letter from Elliot the day before. According to her, he was now out of her life for good, and that meant she should be able to progress forward and stop holding back. However, this newfound resilience didn't take away the difficulty of everything. Her body still tried to reject contact with the bed like she avoided touching others. The fear was a constant buzz in her head that she had to force her way through every time it got overwhelmingly loud.

"Sage," she looked up at the open doorway when Logan knocked gently on the frame, "tell Kendall that we have to go in about twenty minutes," he smiled, and his eyes scanned over her as she continued to sit on the edge of the mattress. It almost looked like she was hovering, but it was better than always being on the floor, where her and Kendall's makeshift bed remained neatly put together.

She nodded in confirmation and spoke before he turned to leave.

"Is James back yet?"

After he had stormed out and put a stop to therapy, James didn't make a reappearance. He most likely went to a club to distress, which was quickly going to become a problem if he kept relying on such vices to relieve the tension he kept bringing upon himself. So far, it wasn't an issue, but Sage worried.

When she looked at Logan, her expression was overly hopeful, and it had him fighting not to frown. His lips pressed tightly together as he examined his sneakers. He wanted to tell her to never expect anything when it came to James. The boys knew that he had a tendency to not follow through, but she'd have to learn that on her own. Logan just prayed that James would prove them wrong someday.

"He texted and said he'd be at the studio when we got there," Logan shrugged, aiming for nonchalance. Sage bit the inside of her cheek, effortlessly reading everything that was going through her friend's mind with a single glance. She just nodded.

"Logan?" Carlos' voice was loud when it boomed from the direction of the kitchen and made them both jump. "Are we out of milk already? I'm looking all over, but I don't see it anywhere!" he shouted. They could practically see the scowl that was undoubtedly on his face. Sage smirked when Logan bumped his head into the doorframe out of exhaustion, keeping his forehead pressed against it as he yelled back to Carlos.

"Is it in your hand?" he grinned when Sage giggled. They both knew what the answer would be.

"No! Why would it be in- Oh… Thank you!" Carlos went silent after that while shoving things around in the kitchen cabinets to find the cereal he wanted.

"I better go before he misplaces his helmet or something. Then we'll never be able to get outta here," Logan shared a smile with Sage before disappearing down the hall.

She glanced at the clock, timing both Kendall and herself. He had to be ready for work soon, and she was giving her stint on the bed another five minutes before she reassessed if she needed to stop or not. Now that she really remembered where she was, it got a little worse. The blankets felt like needles beneath her hands as she placed her palms flat against them, and the sounds around her were falling away so that she could only hear dead air while her mind traveled to the past; the place where she was traumatized on a surface just like the one she was straining herself on now. Her tolerance was declining.

"You're doing good," Kendall was suddenly settling down beside her, making the mattress dip slightly so that she leaned towards him as he pulled his t-shirt over his head. She hadn't even heard him leave the bathroom, but she was glad he did. His presence and words of encouragement made her feel a bit more durable, like she could add more time to her limit.

"Logan said you guys had to leave in a few minutes. James is meeting you there," Sage told him in a whisper, scooting closer and exhaling when he wrapped an arm around her waist.

"Okay…" Kendall paused before going on with care lacing his voice. "You know… You don't have to worry about James, baby. He always comes out alright in the end," he read her mind. She had been off, kind of quiet, since James left. Kendall had a feeling that she was blaming herself almost as much as James blamed himself.

"I'll take your word for it, but…" Sage stopped as he rolled his eyes playfully at her need to argue. She simply elbowed him with a smile and continued, "… I think it would be a good idea to show him I can handle more than he thinks."

"I don't know if I like the sound of that," Kendall raised a brow and held her closer. He got anxious every time Sage wanted to make another change. He took everything in stride now, but he couldn't stop his nerves from jumping or his brain from working through all possible worst case scenarios before she even spoke.

"Can I go to the studio with you today?" she twisted out of his grasp and reached forward to hold both of his hands in her own. Her face was determined, only a hint of fear bleeding around the edges, and he knew that there would be no swaying her.

"Of course, as long as you're ready," Kendall kissed her wrist, his lips pressed against the self-inflicted scar on her left forearm. The last time she had ventured beyond the security of her home, she had to escape and risk her own life to do it. This time was different. It was her choice, and he wasn't about to make it harder for her.

"You're so easy," she teased and ran her fingers through his hair, pulling him forward until her mouth met his in a chaste lip lock.

"Should I cry and scream? You want me to punch a hole in the wall again?" he chuckled and stood up from the bed. She let him tug her along as well, her eyes skimming his knuckles at the point where their fingers locked together. He had a few faint scars of his own; small flecks of discoloration from when he sent his fist through the drywall of the apartment on the night she had first arrived.

"No, I don't think we have a picture frame big enough to cover up another one," she joked and followed him out of their room and down the hall, stepping into the main area to see Carlos shoveling the last bit of his cereal into his mouth while standing over the sink in an attempt to make as little of a mess as possible while finishing breakfast.

"Morning," he mumbled through a mouthful of food. He got distracted and dropped his spoon into the sink with a harsh clatter. He pouted when there were still a few sips of milk left in his bowl before shrugging and drinking from it like a cup.

"Carlos, you're gonna have to change your shirt if you're not careful," Logan warned him from where he sat on the couch flipping through the pages of his calculus textbook, dog-earing a few of the corners for his homework later.

"Nope, I'm a pro now," Carlos countered with a bright smile from over his bowl, cursing when he almost got the milk on his clothes just as his friend predicted. He recovered and placed his dish into the sink before holding his hands in the air as if to stop something bad from happening. "Alright, I'm done with breakfast," he announced as Sage and Kendall grinned and Logan shook his head.

"You ready to go?" Logan tossed his book aside and looked at Kendall while digging into his pocket to make sure he had his phone.

"Uh, yeah… About that…" Kendall glanced at Sage warily, unsure of a proper way to tell Logan she was going. Neither one of them knew how he would react. He liked plans when it came to Sage's therapy, and this outing was definitely not on the original agenda.

"What's wrong?" Logan sighed and slumped his shoulders, darting his eyes around the room like he was expecting something to pop out and scare him.

"Nothing's wrong. Things are really good… In fact, they're getting better, so I'm gonna go to the studio with you," Sage declared in what she hoped was a confident manner. Logan and Carlos froze, but the latter was quick to snap out of it. He smiled and bounced over to Sage.

"That's awesome!" Carlos grabbed her arms and hauled her towards him for a hug. She laughed and sucked in a heavy breath when his grip nearly crushed her ribs. This large amount of encompassing contact was still alarming, but it was getting easier to take, especially when Kendall had his hand in hers and it was only innocent Carlos who was doing the touching.

"Wait… What? This part of therapy wasn't supposed to happen for another few weeks," Logan laughed awkwardly and scratched the back of his neck. "You're okay with this?" he turned to Kendall like the boy could help him. It was an intense contrast from where they originally started; with Kendall fighting Logan every step of the way. Now he wanted them to team up and go against this new alteration.

"It's fine with me. It's what Sage wants… She can handle it," Kendall stood his ground and kept a chipper air to his voice so that Logan would get with the program.

"What about me? I didn't prepare at all! I didn't run through possible disaster scenarios or even think of the best way to go about this…" the smart boy's eyes widened and he stomped his foot like a child. The other's stifled their laughter, and Carlos was the first to recover after biting his lip.

"Logie, chill. What's there to really worry about? It's easy… We're just going to the lobby, the parking lot, the studio… We'll sing and dance a little, blah, blah, blah… and then it's the parking lot, the lobby, and home again," Carlos gestured his hands with precise chopping movements to demonstrate how simple he thought it was.

"See? Carlos has a plan. We're good to go," Sage gave him a thumbs-up, and Carlos and Kendall nodded with enthusiasm.

"You're so new here," Logan chuckled humorously and crossed his arms. "You _**never**_, by any means, follow Carlos' plans."

"He's had some good ones," Kendall spoke up for him with an attempt at a smile. There was a minute pang of loss among them for just a moment because coming to Carlos' defense was usually James' job, but he wasn't around, and they were all feeling the missing piece now even more than the night before.

"When?" Logan solidified his strong stance, tensing his arms so that the muscles flexed while he stared right at Kendall and moved on from the second of silence. The blonde immediately began running through his memories for a prime example of Carlos' cunning schemes.

"That one Halloween we… no, I got grounded for that… Oh! When we were six, he suggested we- Damn, he got stitches that time… Um, I have nothing," Kendall frowned and quirked his shoulder in apology.

"You guys suck!" Carlos grimaced at all of them except for Sage, who was patting him on the back.

"Well, I like Carlos' plan anyway, and we're as prepared as we're gonna be, so let's roll," Sage didn't let Logan argue anymore and walked towards the door, tossing Kendall his keys from the hook beside it. "Please?" she added calmly, watching Kendall and Carlos move towards her while Logan still stood in the center of the floor with a look of concern.

"You're absolutely positive about this? You're not just being stubborn because of… you know…" Logan glanced back at the desk in the corner, where he had put Elliot's envelope nearly twenty-four hours earlier.

"Of course I'm stubborn, Logan, but I'm also sure... It's time, okay?" she lowered her voice and spoke to him gently, sharing a look of understanding that only they seemed to get and perfect in their therapy sessions together. It was a look filled with honesty that Logan knew meant everything was as comfortable as it was going to get. Sage was in an optimistic place right now.

"Good enough for me," he relented and smiled, sighing as he hurried forward to join his friends. "Just stay close and remember to breathe. You've been downstairs before, but only once other than when we were all at the pool. It's going to be different. There's a lot going on and there's a lot of people," he went into his therapist mode as he ushered them out of the door.

Sage just nodded, processing it all, and came to a halt when Kendall stopped moving. He stared at the staircase to his right at the end of the hall and then directed his eyes to the left towards the elevator. They were waiting for her to choose. She always used the stairs when she went to Camille's so she didn't feel claustrophobic and it was less likely that she would run into anyone there, but she wanted to change that too. Leaving today signified that she was going to be in the open now. She would no longer be a secret or be concealed. It was time to stop hiding.

With a tilt of her head, Kendall knew her answer and kept a firm grip on her hand as they moved to the elevator. The ride felt longer than it really was. Everything was still and suspended while she waited for the lobby to come into view. Carlos stood by her other side, and Logan glued himself to the back of their group so that she was surrounded and felt as protected as they could manage. It might have been a little better with James in front of her as well, but they had to work with what they were equipped with.

She could feel countless eyes on her when they walked through the lobby. Logan was right. There was so much going on; so many bodies and sounds that she wasn't used to. She hadn't been around this many strangers in years. No one liked her in Ramsey, but at least she knew them and they knew her. Even the bus station and the trip to California had been a blur when she first escaped because her mind was racing and she couldn't think clearly, but now it was like everything was too clear.

Sage tried her best not to perceive everything as a threat.

The groups of people were sort of familiar. They were teenagers and kids that she had watched through the window of 2J on a daily basis. She focused on remembering names or stories the boys had told about them so that they didn't seem like such strangers. This was her home now, and she desperately wanted to feel comfortable in it.

A skeptical stare from Bitters behind the desk in the lobby reminded her that it wasn't actually her legal residence yet. She needed Gustavo to help with that. Her name had to be added to the lease so that she could openly live at the Palm Woods. Luckily, the hotel manager was busy with a phone call, and an antsy Logan guided her forward hurriedly with a hand on her lower back until they hit the sunlight beyond the building.

The car ride wasn't as bad as she thought it would have been. It was actually pleasantly familiar because it was Kendall's car. The passenger seat felt warm and cozy as it fitted to the contours of her body, like it was waiting for her to return. She almost expected to see the streets of Ramsey when she stared out the window, but she was met with the bright roads of Los Angeles instead. It was nothing like a small town in North Dakota. Everything was more open, yet somehow it still felt more oppressive because of the sheer amount of bodies and movement.

Kendall was holding her hand between them, just like the first night they met, and that made the panic gripping at her heart slightly tolerable, but she still wasn't sure what to think of all of the people. She felt a little better at the idea that more people meant more witnesses. It was a morbid thought, but it was also relaxing. Onlookers made her feel safer.

She wished that these types of things weren't the first on her mind when she was supposed to be feeling happy and free.

"How are you doing, Sage?" Logan wondered cautiously, leaning forward until his seatbelt made him stop. She held her breath as she attempted to think of an appropriate answer.

"Better than I thought…" she finally responded. Her body tensed again when they drove by a police car, and she knew with one glance that it was a trigger of hers. The uniforms weren't the same, and neither was the logo on the side of the vehicle, but she could feel Elliot for just a second. She could see his car in their driveway. She could hear him coming up the porch steps…

"Breathe," Kendall whispered an anxious reminder. His eyes darted between her and the road as they approached the studio and he pulled into the parking lot. He felt the tension in her frame, and her nails were digging into the skin of his hand as she tightened her hold and pushed against her seat away from the window beside her.

"Don't be afraid to ask us to take you back," Logan offered. He kept his gaze on her, studying her body to make sure she was coping like he taught her. Her eyes had been clenched shut, probably unknown to her, but she snapped them open when he suggested she return to the Palm Woods.

"No, I want to go with you," she told him firmly, settling down enough to convince him and herself. She knew things would be better once she was inside the building. She could focus on one thing at a time then.

"I'm glad you're coming. The studio is cool! You'll love it, and James is gonna freak out when he sees you," Carlos kept the mood light with a tiny dance in the back seat, completely ecstatic about the change in their routine. He always hated Sage being home by herself. He wanted her to be a part of everything they did.

"A good freak out or a bad freak out?" Sage smirked, glad for the shift in conversation as she twisted in her seat enough to see Carlos behind her while he leaned against Logan so that the boy nearly toppled over.

"A good one… I think," Kendall responded for him with a confused expression, trying to decipher James. He used to think it was easy, but he wasn't so sure anymore.

"We're about to get our answer," Logan unfastened his seat belt when Kendall parked the car and leapt out, instantly striding over to Sage's side so that he and Carlos were there when she exited. Kendall went around the front and held his hand out for her to come to him. "I hope he's not still in a mood," Logan rolled his eyes and went up the stairs to the side entrance right near the car, letting Carlos and the couple in before following.

"He told me that he could get like that, but I didn't really believe him," Sage sighed and wrapped her arm around Kendall's torso as they walked, stopping when they reached her second elevator of the day. Being inside the building helped her anxiety lessen, though. It was just her and the boys now. She wasn't surrounded by dozens and dozens of strangers.

"James can be an ass, but he always means well. He just gets… weird sometimes," Carlos tried to explain but felt like he failed. No one could describe James with just a couple of words. It had taken him his entire life to figure out how the self-conscious boy worked, and it was never an easy task. It took a type of perseverance that very few had.

"He's weird all the time," Kendall grinned as they rode the elevator to the sixth floor, "That's why we keep him around. He fits in nicely," he bent down to kiss his girlfriend when she laughed.

They found James in the hallway near the elevator, most likely staying out of Gustavo's sight so that he didn't have to be the only one around after their day off yesterday. Their producer tended to get extra rowdy after having too much time to relax. James was leaning against the wall and messing with his phone. He was still dressed in the same clothes, but he looked clean and put together; with carefully combed hair, no bags under his eyes, and his jacket draped over his arm. It was obvious that he spent the evening out, but had not been up all night. He slept somewhere else with someone else.

He hadn't done that since before Sage arrived. The guys were used to his behavior, but the idea of James sleeping with a random girl and showing back up the next day without a visual scratch on him seemed wrong to Sage. It felt like there should be evidence of how broken he was. He had been so vulnerable the evening before, but now he was just solid and concealed again. He didn't look like the James she knew.

"Have a nice night out?" Sage smiled when he stumbled away from the wall at the sound of her voice; something he had never heard outside of the Palm Woods.

"What the fuck?" he clutched his phone against his chest as he stared at her with wide hazel eyes and tried to inhale and exhale normally. He looked to Kendall, Logan, and Carlos, but only got a few grins in return.

"Sage decided that she wanted to get out of the apartment. Isn't that great?" Carlos spoke like James hadn't left them in a whirlwind the night before; like he had been with them the whole time. They weren't expecting much different. Carlos always had a way of smoothing out every situation while mostly ignoring it.

"Y-Yeah…" James straightened himself out, rubbing at invisible wrinkles on his jeans with his hands. He was shocked and it wouldn't drop off of his features. They didn't know if it was because he was happy that Sage had progressed enough to come to work with them, or if it was the total opposite and he was upset because he had been hoping to avoid her a bit longer. Her mouth opened like she was going to say something to him, but he looked away before she could, and she chewed at her bottom lip instead.

"I wanna show you the rec room before we deal with Gustavo 'cause we don't usually get to do fun things once he starts ordering us around," Carlos did his best to keep the tension from burning them all and planted a smile on his face as he grabbed Sage's free hand and dragged her towards the recreation room at the end of the hall. Kendall remained attached to her other side and was pulled along with her while they both chuckled as Carlos ranted. "There's this new fancy coffee machine in here, but I suggest you don't even go near it. We had one just like it before, and it was possessed by the devil or something…" he continued telling her the story of his battle with the electronic device, which included tales of short-circuits and foam spitting everywhere.

James stared at his sneakers when the others were out of earshot, leaving just him and Logan in the hallway.

"Do you hate me?" he murmured carefully, trying not to let his voice crack or shake as much as his hands were. He was preparing for a disaster. He despised himself for giving up, but he did it anyway. He never seemed to do anything right.

"No, none of us do," Logan glared at him from where he leaned against the opposite wall; practically scorching him with his brown eyes until James looked up. Logan continued once he had the boy's full attention. He appeared passionate, something that James always made him like no one else could. "What I don't understand is, if you're this fuckin' worried about it, why do you keep trying so hard to make it happen?"

James didn't have an answer. He had no clue why he assumed the worst or even wanted them to hate him. Nothing made much sense anymore, especially his emotions.

"Where are the dogs? They have two minutes before I fire them," Gustavo's voice boomed through the halls, followed by a more sweet and subdued Kelly.

"You're not gonna fire them," she sounded as if she were reminding him of a point she made numerous times before.

"Whatever," he growled back childishly.

Kendall, Sage, and Carlos appeared beside James and Logan so that they stood as a group; with Sage positioned between them all. Kendall situated himself beside Carlos and stayed as close as possible to Sage while Logan was on her other side with James. Their leader was the first to move, but, to Sage, it felt like it was all at once as they brought her down the hall and guided her to where their burly producer and his assistant were waiting.

She had seen pictures of the once famous man on the internet, so she was prepared to be around the scowling Gustavo, but it still unsettled her. He was loud and intimidating. However, he wasn't anything like Elliot. He was shorter and heavyset, and his face held aggravation; not a cold and cruel indifference. It wasn't nearly as frightening as her stepfather turned ex. In fact, his attitude seemed almost comical because she could easily see how truly unthreatening he was deep down. Sage had witnessed evil, and Gustavo Rocque didn't even come close to it.

"Who is this? You dumb dogs can't pick up random girls on the street and bring them here to score points. I know it's a difficult concept for you to grasp, but we have work to do," he rolled his eyes behind his sunglasses, gold ring-covered fingers swiping across his dark beard as he sighed in exhaustion like this was something the boys did often.

"Her name is Sage Henderson, and she's my girlfriend," Kendall informed him icily. The others were watching on cautiously, waiting for him to lose his cool at the tone Gustavo was using towards her, but Kendall appeared as if he had mentally prepared for this. His smile was tight and forced, but it was there regardless.

"That's nice. Now leave," Gustavo waved his hand dismissively at Sage, who flinched when Kendall growled softly beside her in annoyance.

She was expecting him to launch into a fit because of his boss' rude behavior, but he just blinked slowly and stared at the ceiling for an eerie moment. Gustavo looked astonished at the lack of immediate protest as well. Kelly was glancing nervously at him and then at Sage, giving the girl a warm smile before biting at her brightly glossed lip and focusing her attention back onto the producer.

"She has to stay," James chimed in helpfully, breaking the silence much to the surprise of his family members by his side. They had gotten used to his absence and detachment. He grinned at Sage and shrugged when she snuck a peek at him from the corner of her eyes.

"Give me one good reason why," Gustavo crossed his arms, bunching the fabric of his brightly colored tracksuit and making the chain around his neck sway. Sage couldn't find her voice. She didn't feel like she was supposed to speak, so she just inched a little closer to Kendall and swallowed the lump in her throat. She didn't want to get them in trouble.

"Because… we… said… so?" Carlos asked slowly, every word strained as he tried to smile. He jumped back and grabbed at Kendall when Gustavo raised his eyebrows menacingly.

"That was a terrible answer!" Logan hissed and took a step out of their line of five when he felt the need to recoil away from their producer.

"Listen-" Gustavo started but Kendall stopped him with a raised hand.

"Can I talk to you alone, please?" his tone had the man scrunching his face in confusion.

He was used to Kendall fighting him on everything, so him settling things one-on-one in a civil manner was almost unheard of. It just wasn't how the two hotheads of their musical team worked. Despite their normal ways, Kendall wanted to do this differently. He knew from experience that them coming at Gustavo as a group led to conflict; with the older man feeling some crazy alpha male need to fight back no matter what and throw all reason aside before anything got solved.

"Fine, but if this is some trick I will pummel you," Gustavo spun dramatically on his heel and Kelly followed dutifully as he stalked to his office.

"I'll only be a minute," Kendall assured Sage with a kiss to her cheek, letting his face linger against hers for a second longer than necessary. He pulled away and put his attention onto the others. "Be good while I'm gone. I have a feeling that I'm gonna owe Gustavo a lot by the time I walk back out here. I don't need any more debt," he smirked when Carlos looked over his own shoulder as if his friend wasn't talking directly to him.

"I'll watch him," Logan chuckled and Carlos pouted while James remained indifferent; still lost in his own head as he watched the exchange and kept an eye on Sage at all times.

Kendall squeezed Sage's hand once more before detangling himself and moving backwards in the direction Gustavo and Kelly had gone. She crept closer to Logan in his absence and relaxed when he rubbed her shoulder while striking up a conversation with Carlos that Kendall could hardly hear by the time he reached Gustavo's office.

The producer was already situated behind his desk, his hands folded over one another on the top of it in a manner he probably thought was frightening, but Kendall wasn't unsettled by it at all. He'd dealt with a lot worse from darker people.

"What do you want to talk about? If you want the girl to stay, my answer is no. You can't just bring some girl of the week here to hang out. I don't run a brothel," Gustavo gave his words odd inflections and his fingers tapped obnoxiously on the desk. Kendall laughed at the assumption and his choice of phrases, which made the man's eyes narrow. He didn't like it when the boys didn't take him seriously, but it was a really difficult task to accomplish when he got so theatrical, which happened more often than not.

"Gustavo, she's not a 'girl of the week'. She's my girlfriend. There's a huge difference," Kendall sat down across from him. He rolled his eyes and grinned when Kelly did the same from where she stood beside her boss, the dark skin of her face disappearing completing behind her clipboard when Gustavo glared at her for not backing him up. "I love her, Gustavo, and I need a favor," Kendall added hopefully, biting back another laugh when Kelly literally let out an "aw" at his declaration and Gustavo poked her in the side for ruining his weak façade of formality.

"What is it?" he groaned and took off his sunglasses, pinching the bridge of his nose as he threw them onto the desk.

"I want you to let her stay here without you being rude to her… and I want you to add her to our lease at the Palm Woods so she can live with us," Kendall stated confidently. He sat straight up in his chair and waited for the argument.

"You've fuckin' lost it!" Gustavo laughed like he told a good joke. "She can sit around here and watch me yell at you if that floats her boat, but I'm not having her added to the lease. That ass, Bitters, will squeeze a bunch of money out of me for the new agreement. It's not gonna happen, especially not for some girlfriend you suddenly love," he wiped a fake tear from his eye as his mocking laughter died down. Kelly silently scolded him with a shove to his shoulder, which only got her a light slap to her hand in return.

"Please, Gustavo. It's not sudden. I've been with her for over two years… and Sage needs this. Her life… It's not good. It's terrible, and she needs us; needs a home… I'll owe you, alright? Just name your price," Kendall scooted to the edge of his seat so that he was closer to the desk. His face was vulnerable and weak. It wasn't the face of the Kendall Knight that Gustavo normally saw.

"Is she going to annoy me like you and your pals do?" the man sighed and shut his eyes so he wouldn't have to see Kendall's joy; like it would pain him to know he had done something helpful. Kelly smirked, already jotting down a note on her trusty clipboard; most likely a memo to have a chat with Bitters.

"She's an angel, Gustavo. I swear! Actually, she probably won't even say much of anything. She's… Yeah, don't yell at her if you can help it, okay? She can't… Just try to be nice… Please?" Kendall was ecstatic but also wanted to make sure Gustavo wasn't reckless with Sage. He couldn't explain her whole story, but he thought he got his point across because his producer was nodding.

"Okay, but I don't want to hear any lip from you for a freakin' month. That means no whining like a kicked puppy for a break when you or your goons get tired, and no sass when I give you an order. In layman's terms, try not to be you," he stood up from his desk with flourish and clapped his hands as if he was beckoning Kendall to follow.

"I'll call Bitters when Gustavo gives us a minute to breathe," Kelly informed him as they hurried after the producer. "Is Sage okay by herself while you guys work, or should I keep her with me?" the young assistant's demeanor was a far cry from her boss'; exuding warm compassion like it was part of the job. Kendall smiled and shoved his hands into his pockets.

"She'll be fine doing whatever. Just don't, uh, t-touch her… I know that sounds weird, but she's been through a lot. She's getting better, but we're still being careful," Kendall bit his lip and reran the words in his head to make sure they covered enough. Kelly, being the saint that she was, seemed to understand immediately; nodding with a permanently sweet smile.

"Got it," she gave his arm a comforting squeeze, silently telling him she'd take care of everything, before they nearly collided with Gustavo. He was standing where they had started this whole conversation; in front of James, Sage, Logan, and Carlos. They were all waiting with tense shoulders, but collectively sighed when they saw Kendall smiling.

"Everyone stop making googly eyes at each other. We have work to do! Blondie, sit back and stay out of the way," Gustavo stared at her for a moment, jumping slightly when Kendall cleared his throat loudly in warning. "Sorry… Blondie, _**please**_ sit back and stay out of the way… Better?" Gustavo smirked at Kendall in triumph, happy that he could fulfill his end of the deal while still pushing the teen's buttons.

"Passable. Thanks," Kendall said dryly before strolling over and wrapping an arm around Sage.

"Everything's okay?" she whispered, the others staying close as they huddled and walked at the same time so they could hear one another on their way to where Gustavo was rushing.

"Everything's perfect, and you can officially 'move in' today," he smirked and made air quotes with the hand that wasn't anchored on her hip.

"Really? Did you sell him your soul?" Carlos snickered as they entered a smaller room of the studio. There was a recording booth on one side of it that could be seen through a large barrier of glass in front of a control panel that Gustavo was already seated at with Kelly standing beside him.

"Let's move, mutts! I want you to run through harmonies now. If you don't suck, I might have you stop after an hour," he shooed them away and mostly ignored Sage's existence, which she considered herself lucky for. It seemed that less attention was the better end of the bargain right now.

"Hi, I'm Kelly. If you need anything just let me know, alright?" the young woman appeared in front of her with a kind expression that made Sage relax and take the seat Kelly gestured to near the door and away from Gustavo.

"Sage," she introduced herself quickly, her voice shaking less than she anticipated as she curled her legs beneath her body and sat in the chair. "Thank you." Kelly merely nodded and turned back around to see Gustavo flipping through a few papers he had left near the control panel.

She could understand why he was stressed beyond belief. Big Time Rush was still in its planning stages, and the boys needed to be able to learn things that they had never even tried before their time in L.A.; singing, choreographed dancing, and doing it all as a group being at the top of the list. Gustavo was taking on a huge task with putting the next great boy band together from scratch with four teens of different backgrounds and talents, half of which were not musical. However, Sage could see that Gustavo believed there was something special and monumental waiting to happen; that they were a chance worth taking. The fact that it had been about five months and he continued to keep them around was evidence of that.

Progress was probably slower than he liked, though. They were still working on composing the album, and Gustavo was struggling to make things fresh and new to compare positively with his successful stint in the 90's as a famed producer. This was supposed to be his comeback, and it had to be good. It had to fit in the new millennium of music and teenagers.

They had a couple of solid songs, but they needed quite a few more for a full album, and Gustavo was picky. According to him, everything had to be perfect for their CEO, Arthur Griffin. The man who owned and controlled Rocque Records, and led the whole RCM-CBT Globalnet Sanyoid company, would fire them all if he wasn't pleased with the results. The boys would be out of a job, and Gustavo's return to the industry would be ruined. As a group, they all needed each other.

Sage stifled a laugh when she saw the boys start shoving one another in the cramped space of the recording booth, somewhere that they didn't necessarily need to be for harmonies but Gustavo liked to contain them anyway. Carlos stumbled into Logan, who knocked into James and then jostled Kendall at the front of the line. They all stopped when Gustavo glared up at them; causing them to freeze in a chain reaction that they had been through countless times.

"This one isn't working. I'm gonna have to figure out something else…" Gustavo mumbled to Kelly as he picked up a stapled packet of sheet music and held it out to her. She reluctantly took it from his hands and crumpled it up into a ball, tossing it towards the wastebasket near Sage before spinning back around to Gustavo.

"You'll get it. You just have to relax a little… I don't think your angry attitude is conducive to songwriting," Kelly reprimanded her boss lightheartedly and shifted another chair closer to the control panel in front of her, sitting as she laid her clipboard down and pulled out her cell phone to go through emails and the day's schedule.

"What if I want to write an angry song?" Gustavo quipped back crankily.

"Don't be annoying," Kelly smirked and continued hitting buttons on her phone while the producer rolled his eyes.

Sage smiled at the odd boss/employee relationship and snuck a glance at the floor while Kendall and the others were distracted with a conversation she couldn't hear through the glass. The papers Kelly had thrown away were at a ball by her feet, having missed the garbage can completely. She picked them up and smoothed them out with careful movements. There were several lines of notes and lyrics, and her mind quickly began to piece all of the gaps together to complete the unfinished song.

* * *

The heavy sounds of BTR's first single were constantly starting and stopping, filling the entire floor of Rocque Records with a loud beat before everything became silent again. Sage was currently sitting alone in a smaller room away from the large space the boys were practicing their dancing in. Mr. X, an eccentric choreographer that went by no other name, was screaming down the hall; his voice echoing into the room Sage had situated herself in every time he paused the music to yell at or instruct the guys.

She focused on the piano in front of her rather than the distant voices and sounds, listening to the melody beneath her fingers instead as she tapped the keys in a way she hadn't in too long. This was always one of her escapes ever since Julia taught her as a child. She had missed it when Elliot took it away completely with captivity, but the feeling of the instrument under her hands was familiar and astonishing. The guys had now been running through choreography for over two hours, and she spent that time at the piano; returning to doing something that she loved almost as much as Kendall.

"Is it like you remember?" Sage's fingers froze above the keys when James spoke.

She spun around on the bench to see him leaning in the doorway. He was in sweats now, having changed his clothes from a supply he had at the studio, and his face was flushed. He was sweating, making a thin shine appear all over his body, yet somehow he still looked put together and nearly perfect. She'd never figure out how he managed to do it.

Sage smiled at him with so much joy that it almost made James demolish the sense of nothingness he was trying to feel.

"It's even better," she slid to one side of the bench and patted the open space next to her.

James didn't say anything as he walked over to sit. He settled beside her, being sure to not actually touch her and keep their personal space personal. Sage dropped her hands onto her lap while he raised his own and played a short tune on the higher scale; perfectly matching the one she had been performing when he approached the room.

"Shouldn't you be dancing?" she wondered softly. She was attempting to strike up a conversation. Things were never awkward between them before, but now it was different and strained due to it being their first time alone since the previous day's upset.

"I got my part of the routine down. Mr. X is working with the others. He likes to send us out as we get it so he can 'focus on the weaklings'…" he used an odd accent and donned a funny face when he reenacted their choreographer's speech, which he had most likely heard a million times before.

Sage nodded, and the room fell silent once more. James tapped the keys beneath his fingers to fill the quiet with something other than their steady breathing.

"I'm sorry about yesterday… I just… Sorry," he finished his impromptu speech lamely because nothing felt adequate. Nothing he could say would fix anything.

"I forgave you before you even left," Sage shrugged and turned to smile at him again.

It made him wonder why she had to make things so simple. They were supposed to be hard. That's what James was used to. Sage didn't hate him or hold grudges when he felt as if she should, and he didn't know what to do with that.

"You know I don't think of you like I think of Elliot, right? You're completely different," she tried to assure him gently, reaching out to touch him and stopping before contact was made when she remembered how she would react. The studio was not the place for a therapeutic meltdown.

"Yeah, tell that to my ribs," James joked and rubbed his torso with emphasized winces.

"Stop it, I didn't hit you that hard," she chuckled as she spun carefully on the bench, so that she maneuvered without touching him, and straddled the seat. Her face fell while she stared at the furniture beneath her, letting her fingers curl around the edges in a strong hold. "Sorry about that, by the way…" she frowned when her hands tingled like they were remembering how she had struck her friend the night before.

"It was nothing compared to when Kendall punched me," he smirked but didn't make eye contact with her.

"You always seem to get the brunt of everything," she commented thoughtfully. She was struggling to figure him out, and she saw his body stiffen before relaxing again.

"Yup," he replied plainly. He didn't know how else to respond. Being on the receiving end of an emotional or physical blow was just standard to him. That was always the position he put himself in. It was the one he felt both comfortable with and loathed at the same time.

"Why didn't you come back last night?" she tried to move the conversation forward when she got nothing of substance out of the resistant boy.

"I got scared, I guess… When you reacted like you did, I just sort of shut down and ran for the hills," James laughed nervously and stood up, abruptly turning on his heels to head for the door. For a second, she thought he was going to leave again, but he twisted his body back around and pressed his shoulders into the wall. She could see his face now. She could see all of the stress and pain.

"You really think so little of yourself, don't you? I'm not going to just throw you away when things get rough… The others won't either…" Sage hit the nail right on the head, and James audibly gasped and swallowed thickly before recovering and forcing on his carefully crafted mask.

He honestly thought that he was a bad enough person to deserve to lose Sage, and then he'd lose Kendall as a result, and then Logan, and then Carlos. It was a downward spiral that never ended in his imagination until everything was over and he was alone. That was his worst nightmare; having nothing left because of something he did. However, he still kept pushing people away despite it all. It was a conflict in his heart that he wasn't sure he'd ever fully understand.

"I can't just believe that like you can because I've seen people give up… and I think I'm one of them..." James mumbled like he was analyzing himself, crossing his arms over his chest and squinting while staring at nothing. Sage tried to speak, but he kept going. "Look at you. You're here today. You're strong. I'm just the quitter…"

"You don't have to be," she suggested, standing up and moving towards James. She didn't know what the point of it was. It wasn't like she could have touched him, but she felt as if he needed her to be there.

"But it's easier that way," he argued fervently. His voice rose but he remained glued to the wall. "When I was younger, I always dreamed of a solo career, and then BTR happened, and I was so fuckin' happy. I thought that fulfilling my dream with the guys would be the best thing ever, but… Maybe being alone would be easier. I wouldn't have to deal with all of this," he gestured to the room like it explained what he was saying, but it revealed nothing. He knew he wasn't making sense, but he had to try for Sage. He owed her that.

"What is _**this**_?" she sharpened her tone, realizing that taking a soft stance with James would get her nowhere. He groaned and rolled his eyes, becoming exhausted with the discussion he had wanted to avoid the whole prior night.

"Feelings, loyalties, responsibilities… and fucking that shit up every day," he explained bitterly. He felt like a failure when it came to what was important. He had a handsome face and a sly way with words around women, but those qualities he exceled at were all on the surface. He had no substance, and when he tried to gain it he usually didn't succeed.

Sage glared at him in shock, her eyes wide and mouth open as she processed what he was saying and what it meant; how much it revealed about what he thought of himself. She refused to let him willingly crawl into a dark place when she knew exactly what it was like.

"Being alone sucks, James. I don't know why you seem to want it so bad… I've been there. In the end, keeping everyone out is a lot scarier than letting them in," she kept her stance firm. James towered above her, but he felt small now. He couldn't think straight or speak.

He didn't know what to say. Part of him knew that she was right, but another part of him was almost used to being alone and fending for himself. It was as if he'd been preparing for it in the last few years of his life. Christopher was a loving father, but he didn't really know how to be a dad even though he had primary custody of James. He focused on his own life because his son never begged him not to. James let him do his own thing so he could do his, and that ultimately weakened their relationship in the end. Now that he was in L.A., James didn't hear from Christopher unless he called him himself, and even then the conversations were short. Sandra was a different story, but still more of the same. They got closer over the phone since the move, but James considered her an exception on the outside. His mother was someone he could talk to now, but she wasn't really a part of his life because of the physical and emotional distance that James initiated. All of the separation was his fault, and he felt like he needed to deal with the consequences.

Sage stood on the other side of the fence. She never chose isolation. She was forced into it, and James couldn't figure out why he thought both scenarios were equally as bad. He didn't understand why he just couldn't just apply what she was telling him; why he didn't use the important lesson she was trying to teach him.

"I'm not you," he reminded her with a shaky demeanor, thinking that it might clear his own mind from the confusion settling over it. He had a lot to sort through.

"I'd never want you to be," Sage told him without hesitation. She stepped even closer so that there was little distance between them. He could tell she was getting anxious at the proximity by the way her eyes scanned over him in rapid movements and her breathing became shallow, but she kept talking anyway. "I want you to be you, but I don't think you want that. I don't think you like yourself."

"How do you do that?" he shut his eyes before opening them and looking down at her forlornly.

"What?" she inquired with confusion.

"How can you see through me like the guys can? It's fuckin' terrifying..." he smiled when she smirked at him, "… so knock it off," he pleaded softly. There was a hopeful edge to his tone, but it also sounded like he knew she wasn't going to comply.

"No. You're always blunt with me. You're the king of no-nonsense. I'm just giving it back to you," she stepped away from him, feeling like he was letting his walls down just enough for things to be more comfortable between them.

"I don't like it," he complained, his features scrunching up in distaste.

"You're not supposed to," she laughed when he frowned. "I know you're cocky, but actually believing in yourself is different than that. You can do it, though… You're strong. You've been there for me since day one. You supported me and stayed with me when Kendall couldn't. You took care of me before you even really knew me, and now you think you're failing… but a bad person doesn't do all those things… You're a _**good**_ person whether you like it or not, James Diamond," she smiled softly when he shrugged out of modesty.

"You're probably right," he gave her that much, not seeing a flaw in her argument but inwardly waiting for one to pop up.

"So, can you talk more and not hide so much?" she asked expectantly. Her smile never fell.

"I don't want to make promises," he kicked himself when her features were stressed again.

"Why not?"

"I don't like breaking them... I'm- I just don't think I'm built like you guys. You can feel and face crazy, scary things… I'm not that fearless," he ran a hand through his slightly damp hair and watched her shake her head.

"James, I used to think I was weak... I _**let**_ Elliot hurt me. I _**let **_him have his way. I _**let **_him stay out of jail. Those are things that I can never take back. I can never change them. Don't let yourself make mistakes because you're weak too… Keep being strong," she begged earnestly, her eyes not leaving his once as he thought about what she said.

"It's hard," he mumbled and bit his bottom lip like he wasn't sure he could give in.

"I know…" she nodded in understanding and reached up to the pendant around her neck, her thumb tracing the scar beneath it out of a nervous habit. She was probably the closest anyone could ever come to comprehending how his emotions worked because her own internal defenses were always wavering too; always threatening to crumble without the right support.

"Gustavo said we're done for today!" Carlos cheered as he, Logan, and Kendall appeared in the doorway; all wearing sweats and still panting from their rigorous practice. He held a large duffel bag that contained the clothes they arrived in earlier.

Sage didn't look away from James until he gave her a reassuring smile and a small nod of his head; a quiet acknowledgement that he would keep what she said in mind.

"Can we get food? I'm starving," he whined and rubbed at his stomach.

"I love food!" Carlos rushed off at the mention of a meal, and James laughed as he followed him out the door and down the hallway. Logan rolled his eyes but still smiled and went after them at a slower pace, achy from the choreography. Sage took Kendall's outstretched hand, giggling when he tried to continuously tug her against his sweaty body as they walked behind the boys.

"Will we be seeing you again tomorrow?" Kelly stood outside of her boss' office, where he sat slamming the keys of a piano while she said goodbye to Sage.

"As long as it's alright with Gustavo," she grinned when the producer let out a few choice expletives and grumbled unintelligible words behind the closed door. Kendall kissed the back of her hand, glad that Gustavo had done him the favor he did. Sage smiled at him before she spoke once again when she seemed to remember something. "Oh, could you give this to him for me, please?" she quickly dug out a few papers from the pocket of her jeans.

They were crinkled but flattened and folded neatly into fours. She held them out to Kelly, who took them with confusion but agreed to her request immediately. Kendall gave his girlfriend a questioning look, but she just simply pulled him towards the elevators where the boys had stopped to wait; Carlos and James engaging in a mock fight as they argued about what they were going to pick up for dinner.

After the teens disappeared, Kelly strolled into Gustavo's office. She anchored her clipboard against her chest as she began unfolding the papers Sage handed her.

"Are the dogs and Blondie on their way back to the kennel?" Gustavo ceased his work at the piano and tossed a few more pieces of sheet music into the garbage beside his desk. Kelly smirked and shook her head at his choice of words. It was funny how close he had become with the band, yet he still refused to stop referring to them as animals. It used to be harsh, but now it had formed into an odd term of endearment that could only work when it came from him.

"Yes, they're headed home… I called Bitters about adding Sage to the lease. He wanted to up the rent, but it wasn't much, so I agreed. He's faxing over a contract to make it official," she stopped her work on the mysterious papers to check her phone for any important messages.

"Kendall's gonna owe me big time," Gustavo remembered suddenly, smiling and appearing excited about the possibility of milking the boy's gratitude for all it was worth.

"Stop scheming. First of all, you're bad at it, and, second, he'll pay you back somehow when you least expect it. It's how he and the guys work," Kelly shrugged, and Gustavo peered at her over his sunglasses.

"Yeah, yeah…" he waved a hand at her before flipping through a folder full of music he had been penning.

It was quiet as Kelly finally finished unfolding the papers Sage gave her, and she smiled at what was revealed; tilting her head in astonishment.

"Look what Sage gave me before she left," she moved to Gustavo's side and held the sheets out.

"Who's Sage?" he grumbled and continued looking over his work. Kelly smacked the back of his head, knowing he was merely being obstinate.

"Just look at this."

Gustavo took the papers and scanned them quickly, fully ready to toss them aside, but then he recognized what he was reading. It was the music he threw out earlier in the day when he got frustrated at the recording booth. When he had worked on it, he only managed to construct bits and pieces of a new song; one that he was sure could be a hit, but then it just wasn't working for him anymore. He hadn't been able to figure it out, but Sage did.

There were musical notes added and small words scribbled in the margins with a series of arrows. There was a lot of thought put into it, and she obviously knew what she was doing. At the bottom, there was a circled series of words that left Gustavo speechless; unsure of how he should react.

"_It's not a bad song. Here's some suggestions from a different point of view :) Thanks for letting me stick around…"_

* * *

The family of 2J didn't have therapy that night, all thinking it would be a good idea not to play with fire until the flames died down a little. James needed time to deal with the thought of facing Sage again, and she was reluctant to push him unless he expressed a clear desire to be urged forward.

It was close to midnight when they all settled down for slumber. James was home this time, so they were all relaxed. He was still a tad antisocial, but he was gradually easing out of it. He had dinner with them, but now he was in his room; playing music loud enough so that he could ignore the world. The beat was slow and soft, letting them believe that he might even be sleeping, and it was coming down the hall and through the walls of Kendall and Sage's room; lulling them as they reclined on the bed.

The night was warm, but she was still dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt instead of shorts and a tank top in a lame attempt to have more of her skin covered while on the bed. It just felt a little bit better when she wasn't exposed to the sheets beneath her. The burn was less intense, and she could handle it longer before the uneasy knot formed in her stomach. Kendall could make it better too. His hand was securely fitted in her own as he laid right alongside her and they stared at the ceiling, listening to the music and a few movements from above as Carlos clumsily got ready for bed; Logan undoubtedly laughing tiredly at him as he stumbled around the dim room.

"Fifteen more minutes and you'll beat your record," Kendall grinned and turned his head so that he could see her profile after looking at the clock.

"Yay," she grumbled with false enthusiasm and shifted uneasily. She was determined to get past her issues with the bed, but it was going to take practice.

Kendall laughed softly and turned so that he was on his side instead of his back, keeping their hands linked even as he moved.

"You did so good today… It was Elliot who gave you the kick in the ass, wasn't it?" his face became stoic, eliciting a sigh from Sage.

"I swear I'm gonna hit you if the next thing out of your mouth is something about how he and you are alike and can both push me into doing things I normally wouldn't," she flipped over so that she mirrored his position. She hated hearing him talk so lowly about himself. Kendall's mouth opened, then shut, then opened again.

"Well, I wasn't thinking about that, but thanks for bringing it up," he teased and jabbed lightly at her abdomen with his free hand.

They had talked about the letter in length the night before, and Kendall expressed all of the worries and new anxieties to her that he had confessed to Carlos earlier. Sage was actually a little shocked by the revelation. She hadn't seen the connections between Kendall and Elliot before, but there was definitely some validity to them when the couple discussed it. However, they understood that their circumstances were different, and Kendall was by no means a carbon copy of Elliot.

"Just remember that you're not him, Kendall... and let me know if you have any overly violent tendencies or if you fall in love with a young girl at first sight," she bit her tongue when he groaned.

"Gross! That's not funny," he glared halfheartedly at her and flopped onto his back again.

"It really isn't," she agreed quietly and inched closer to him so that her chin rested against his shoulder. She felt better when she turned Elliot into a joke from time to time. It pushed away some of the terror that always clawed at her insides, especially when she was on the bed. "So, do you feel bad for him now too? I know you're not sick like I am, but I actually felt a little less crazy when you and I talked last night," she confessed, awkwardly fidgeting with nerves.

"I'm not- That's a tough question…" Kendall almost denied it outright, but then he put actual thought into it for Sage's benefit. She deserved the truth. "Don't get me wrong, if I ever crossed paths with him, I think I would literally get arrested for murder. I wouldn't be able to stop myself… but I think I do feel a little bad for him. When you boil it down to the basics, he just wanted you, loved you, and would have done anything to keep you… and I guess I know what that's like," he stopped to stare at her in adoration, brushing a piece of hair away from her eyes. "It almost feels wrong to hate him on every level for it all because that would make me a hypocrite… It's fuckin' complicated."

"Welcome to my head," she smirked tiredly and nuzzled into his neck. Her lips grazed the skin, and he held her tighter.

"What else is going on in there that I can't see? I noticed you and James talked. He seemed… better," he chose the term carefully, not sure if it suited what his friend had been by the end of the day. Whatever was going on was between him and Sage, but it still went deeper than that; affecting the whole family.

"Yeah, we talked, but it didn't feel like I really got to him all the way… I don't think he'll be making huge changes anytime soon. He's not ready for it," Sage frowned and snuggled closer to Kendall.

She wished that James was prepared for change like she was, but she only got to where she resided now after a long and personal journey. James had to make one of his own. He had to make his own choices and mistakes and suffer through the resulting consequences. There was no other way for him to be satisfied. The worry came when they thought about how it would all end. His experiences were going to result in either hard-earned happiness for him or a series of tragic disasters.

"James moves at his own pace. It's how he's always been. He's fiercely independent, yet still codependent on all of us. He works in two ways, and I think he's trying to figure out how to mesh them together so that his head doesn't explode into smithereens," Kendall wiggled his fingers in demonstration, eliciting a chuckle from Sage.

"You put things so eloquently, Kendall," she joked as she pulled away to look at him with a smirk.

"I do my best," he shrugged and then lunged forward to nip at her shoulder to hear the giggle he knew she'd let out.

"Do you really think we shouldn't worry about him, though?" she sobered, and her eyes drifted over towards the wall as if she could see through it and into James' room.

"I think he'll tell us when he needs us. Until then, it's impossible to interfere with him… If it helps clear things up for you, he's almost as stubborn as me," he grinned and rubbed her back when she huffed out a heavy breath.

"So you're saying that it's next to impossible to break him down?" she laid her cheek back onto his upper arm and traced random patterns on his clothed torso, almost thinking she'd prefer it if he wasn't wearing a shirt for once.

"Exactly," Kendall nodded while Sage let out a tiny yawn and shifted further so that she was almost fully on top of him. "Should we go to bed?" he suggested softly as he memorized the warmth beneath his palm as it passed up and down her spine. He had meant that they could move to the floor to sleep like they usually would, but Sage surprisingly had other plans.

"Yeah… here…" she murmured exhaustedly into his shoulder and threw one of her legs over both of his; clinging to him like she needed the contact to survive the night.

He stiffened but smiled. Changes were definitely abundant lately even if they weren't coming from James. Kendall waited for several moments, thinking that she was going to back out of her decision, but then he heard her soft breathing and felt the rise and fall of Sage's body on his own as she drifted off to sleep after a long day. He didn't bother with reaching for a blanket, completely unwilling to move an inch in fear of disturbing his unusually peaceful girlfriend. He just turned his head towards hers and kissed her scalp delicately as he continued to caress circles onto her back.

Sage didn't wake as he spoke, but gripped him tighter in her sleep instead.

"I love you so much."

* * *

**A/N: We have them moving on… and the bed will come up more in the next chapter ;) (I'll let you figure out what that 'wink' means :P) Also, James' issues are addressed but so far from over. This kid is a disaster lol How did you like Gustavo and Kelly? I enjoyed writing them for a change and getting outside of the apartment :)**

**And a happy birthday to my good friend, Nat (Koala75) She is a wonderful person and author on here :) and I'm sending all positive wishes for her special day. I think you guys should check out her stories and leave a nice birthday review ;) "Play With Me" and "Strength Through Music" are particularly awesome :D :D :D  
**

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this chapter :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I appreciate any feedback and I love meeting fellow readers/fans of BTR. Don't be shy :) and a big THANK YOU to all of my anonymous reviews, because I can never contact you :)**


	41. Big Time Connections

**A/N: I enjoyed how this came out (put a lot of work into it- and the length came out insane lol)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**Suggestion: **_Surfergal23_**'s Kendall/OC story, Hooked. It's gloriously angsty :D  
**

**Also: You should to give Something to Sleep to by **_so-complicated_** a look too! :) It's just starting but it will be FANTASTIC (trust me ;)**

**On with PTS! :D Please, enjoy and review :) **

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 41: BIG TIME CONNECTIONS_

* * *

Sage opened her eyes, and her heart stopped like it did for every morning she woke up since three weeks prior when she finally slept on the bed with Kendall. They made it a part of their routine now; resting on the mattress until sleep took her. Some nights were just as easy as the first, and others were worse. The anxiety happened when she got restless and too aware of the mattress beneath her. Kendall had to work to keep her mind on him. Luckily, he was good at that; with gentle smiles and a soft voice in her ear as he'd sing her to sleep.

When she flipped over, she was expecting her boyfriend to be there like he always was, but the space beside her on the bed was empty. The sheets were unwrinkled and tucked around her, falling away from her shoulders as she sat up to get a better view of the nothing that rested adjacent to her. The air felt stale and unmoving, as if she could choke on it if she inhaled. Her first instinct was panic.

It was _**always**_ panic.

Her eyes burned with building tears, and her heart still refused to beat before it suddenly began thumping uncontrollably like it could give out on her at any second. The oxygen completely left the room, which was morphing and flashing in her fragile mentality. The walls were brighter, an off-white color that she was convinced would always haunt her, and for just a moment there was an open doorway in front of her face that resembled the one of her bathroom in Ramsey. She looked down along the same wall and swore that she saw a closed door with a strong and secure deadbolt on it, locked from the outside.

It all happened in a matter of seconds, then she sat up fully, and it was over. That's how it worked lately. The attacks grew shorter as her control became more stable. It felt like the end of the world when they were happening, but if she could break herself out of it by moving forward then everything died back down to a calm normalcy. She was in L.A., safe and sound, and the panic ebbed away like it never even attempted to drown her.

There were so many mornings like these in her room when she'd fall asleep with Elliot too close after he was finished with her in their early months together. She'd wake up feeling trapped and brutally ill; disgusting and coated in unseen filth that existed mostly in her traumatized imagination. Things were different now; ordinary for the most part. She needed a shower to start her day, but she didn't feel like she had to scrub until her skin was pink and raw. She was as clean and healthy as she could ever get.

A lot had changed in the past several weeks of her life. It was barely a few months ago when she had almost resigned herself to a life with Elliot; full of sacrifices and buried emotions, but now she was with a new family that loved her like everyone deserved to be loved. Life was good. It felt like a reward; like she trudged her way through her own hell to earn a spot in heaven.

Sage stretched her stiff muscles, working out the kinks in her once tense shoulders as she focused on breathing normally just like Logan taught her; in through her nose, filling the lower parts of her lungs fully before exhaling steadily and gathering her bearings. Kendall was in their shower, and the pitter-patter of the water against the bottom of the tub sloshed erratically as he moved around. The door to their room was open, how he knew she preferred it if he had to leave her alone while she slept, and the morning light was filtering in from the large living area; making everything brighter and less threatening as she assessed the space.

Laughter drifted in from the distance. James and Carlos' childish giggles as they watched Saturday morning cartoons made her smile. It was something she had become familiar with and cherished, thinking that she was fortunate enough to have gotten to a place where she wasn't alone. She used to be an outcast, but now she had so many people that truly cared about her and listened to her without judgment.

"Will you two kindergarteners keep it down? Sage is still asleep," Logan scolded them lightly, and her smile widened when she could almost hear the same feature in his voice; picturing him glaring at them over some book that was undoubtedly settled in his hands like it always belonged there. After Kendall opened the door, Logan must have checked on her like the good brother and doctor-to-be he was. She sighed calmly, finally breathing steadily when she realized that there was nothing to be worried about; she was home.

The chuckles had faded, but they were still there; stifled behind the clinking of silverware and exaggerated noises coming from the television program designed for children. Her hands ran through her hair, smoothing it out after a long night of surprisingly peaceful rest, and then they fell back down beside her. The blankets didn't feel like needles anymore, but more like sandpaper instead, which was a lot better in comparison. The anxiety and emotionally painful memories were lessening daily with the furniture. She'd almost conquered one of her greatest fears. Her grin fell and she frowned, remembering that there were still others.

"Oh… you're up," Kendall appeared in the bathroom doorway, looking ashamed as one of his hands slipped down to where the two sides of the towel around his waist met securely as if he could make the already-fastened fold sturdier with nervous fingers. His other hand moved a second towel over his hair to dry it, now working in slow and hesitant movements. She knew why he seemed regretful of his practically naked entrance. She was never comfortable around him like that anymore. She got fidgety enough with him just being shirtless, so him in nothing but a towel had Kendall foreseeing a complete meltdown of her nerves. However, Sage shocked both of them by shrugging and blinking a few times before crawling out of the bed.

"Relax, Kendall. I've seen you naked before," she smirked at him, although halfheartedly, and he grinned gloomily back at her attempt to ease the tension.

"Stop eyeing up my body and hand me my clothes," he instructed her playfully, leaving the towel slung over one of his shoulders and pointing at the outfit he had placed on top of the dresser earlier. He tried to keep his gaze off of her, thinking she'd feel bad if he was watching her avoid him, but if he had snuck a glance he would have seen that her eyes only ever left his frame when she gathered his clothes.

"Here," her voice came out as a whisper when she stepped in front of him. He finally noticed that her head wasn't to the side, ceiling, or floor. She was bravely staring right at him; all of him. He smirked genuinely then.

"Thank you," he boldly stepped forward and took the offered clothing, sharing a look with her that neither one of them could decipher. It reminded them of how they felt on their anniversary night about a month ago when she was on his lap; when things were so close to perfect.

"I'm gonna go see what the guys are up to. Come get me when the shower is free?" her voice rose with the question, and she rubbed her palms on her cotton pants in an attempt to calm down. Her arms felt limp and shaky at the same time. What really bothered her was that it wasn't just from her usual anxiety. Something else was trying to take the lead.

"Sure… I love you," Kendall kept his body at a distance but leaned forward, cupping a hand behind her neck and tangling it in her hair as he pressed his lips against hers. The kiss was longer than the ones they tended to share lately; with both of them unknowingly holding their breath until they pulled apart. He didn't even feel it until she was moving away, but her fingers had grabbed his hip and she tugged herself closer to him; all of this despite his near nudity.

"Love you too," she murmured with a content smile, confused by her lack of fear as he massaged the back of her neck and then dropped his hand down to her collarbone; his thumb caressing the skin just below the pendant that never left her body. It should have been sending off her dreaded, irrational warning signals. Her heart flipped and her spine tingled, but nothing else happened; no tears or terror, just slight apprehension.

Kendall was the first to break the rare moment, keeping the mantra of not getting too far ahead of themselves, and he turned back towards the bathroom after one final kiss to his girlfriend's cheek. He did his best to keep his mind clear and hoped that he wouldn't dwell on what just happened. It seemed fairly simple and insignificant, but it wasn't. They hadn't had that particular spark of both uncertainty and excitement between them in a long time because the uncertainty was usually paired with fear. Now, after getting back the feelings that they engaged in so effortlessly in the past, they were both inwardly thrilled at the prospect of more positive changes.

Sage smiled. She had awoken many, many mornings in 2J, but this one felt different from all of the others.

She strolled out of the room and entered the main area of the apartment. By the time she stood near the kitchen table and looked up, Carlos was running towards her and away from the couch with a huge grin on his face.

"Hi!" he chirped vibrantly and stopped just long enough to throw an arm around her in a quick hug. James was hot on his heels.

"Carlos, give me my lucky comb!" James yelled at the rowdy boy, stalking with rapid strides of his long legs towards them.

"No! You said my helmet was stupid," Carlos raised a brow, stuck his tongue out, and hid behind Sage; knowing that James wouldn't make any sudden movements towards him if he did. James glared at his friend's play-to-win attitude, despising and admiring it at the same time.

Sage just chuckled. If it wasn't one thing with these two, it was another. She'd think they were sick or depressed if she didn't find them bickering about something when she got up in the morning. Fortunately, they had the day off from work, and that meant she didn't have to bother with stopping them and keeping them on schedule.

"I thought you guys were watching cartoons," she rolled her eyes and stayed completely still while Carlos touched her shoulder with the hand that wasn't holding James' comb.

"That was _**so**_ two minutes ago," he scoffed playfully when Sage lightly elbowed his ribs.

"He got bored when a commercial came on," James supplied accusingly, making a move to get around the girl but stopping with a pleased smirk when Carlos yelped and ran in fright. "Morning," he addressed Sage properly and held out a hand for her to take, which she did without hesitation.

They had gotten beyond that point in therapy over the last few weeks, and James did it with no more complaints or spoken worries. He seemed to go back to the confident young man she knew within a matter of days after their discussion at the studio, which Sage thought hadn't gotten them far but soon realized that the small things counted with James. He appeared rejuvenated and ready to move forward, and that was enough for her to cease her need to push him too hard or too fast out of a desire to dissect him. They leveled out together and got closer in subtle ways that made them more comfortable. Too much contact was still unsettling, but holding hands was more than welcome, especially since he couldn't hug her like the rest of them.

James squeezed her hand twice in their own version of a familial embrace and then turned his friendly gaze into a glare when he saw Carlos scramble up the swirly slide, clumsily banging his body up the tube.

"Dammit, Carlos! You're cheating!" he groaned and stared up at his friend, who stood on the balcony with both of his fists settled cockily against his hips.

He knew that James would have to take the longer route to get to him because there was no way he was going to go up the playground equipment and let the static affect his carefully groomed hair. Maybe he'd take the chance before he got dressed for the day, but certainly not after he had everything how he wanted it for when he left and stepped out into public.

"No, I'm _**winning**_," Carlos corrected him, waving the black comb in front of his face and over the edge of the balcony, which made James jump comically in fear.

"You should find somewhere good to hide now," James growled and made Carlos' eyes widen before the boy jetted across the upper level towards his and Logan's room, most likely making an attempt to either barricade himself in or stupidly chance climbing out the window. "Logan made waffles for breakfast," James told Sage before quickly running for the hallway. He continued while hurrying up the stairs, his voice fading for her but getting louder when he reached the second floor, "Yours and Kendall's are on the counter. I made sure Carlos didn't eat them all!"

"That's another reason why you're not getting your comb back!" Carlos piped up from somewhere Sage couldn't see, and she laughed when she heard a yelp and a few thuds from upstairs.

She sighed and headed for the kitchen, biting a hair tie she had around her wrist. She held it between her teeth and used her hands to gather her long hair behind her head, tying up the locks in a simple ponytail so that they were out of the way until she could shower when Kendall was done. After throwing a waffle onto a plate, she poured syrup over it and held a fork in her mouth as she looked around for Logan. Normally, he would have been a part of the others' antics, but not this time.

The sound of the television fell into the background as she focused on him. He was sitting at the desk in the corner behind the couch, still clad in his pajamas. The laptop was shut in front of him, and he was reading over a few papers; papers that were burned into her memory. He was holding Elliot's letter from last month, the neat creases unfolded as much as possible from Logan bending it back and forth to straighten it enough to read comfortably. His chin held his head up by resting on top of his hand with his elbow on the desk, and he yawned as his eyes scanned the words in a way she only saw when the young genius would read an assignment for class; like he was analyzing it.

"You're not gonna figure him out no matter how hard you read that, Logie," Sage approached him and leaned against the back of the couch while cutting into the waffle with her fork. He jumped like he hadn't even noticed her enter the room and began shuffling the letter nervously as if he could hide it, thinking that seeing it would upset her.

"Sorry! I was just… Nothing… Sorry," he frowned and slouched in his seat when he realized he couldn't hide anything.

"Don't apologize. I'm fine… Are you?" she wondered cautiously, biting into her breakfast and chewing slowly as she watched Logan shrug and pick the letter back up with both hands.

"It didn't even bother me before, but then I thought about it once and now I can't stop," Logan whined and shoved the letter back into the manila envelope it came in. At first, the papers only made him think about Sage, Elliot, and Kendall, but the days passed by and things became normal again, and then his overly analytical mind began running a marathon. Elliot made him consider the man in his life that fought for redemption. He made him think of Patrick.

"I know the feeling. It's hard to shake once it's in your head," Sage smiled regretfully, and ate more of her waffle.

"It makes me think about my dad… Elliot says he's sorry, but he's crazy and dangerous, so you can't forgive him… Patrick is a normal guy now…" Logan tossed the envelope back into the drawer of the desk and wrung his hands together with another yawn. He hadn't been getting much sleep. He usually would have been the first dressed and ready to go in the morning, but his hair was disheveled and he still wore the clothes he slept in.

"So… you can forgive him?" Sage guessed lightly, tilting her head when Logan appeared to fold in on himself as he thought long and hard. She knew his past, just like he knew hers, but she could see how different they were; both with bad father figures but vastly diverse outcomes.

"Maybe," he nodded finally and rolled the chair back to stand.

"I smell syrup," Kendall announced as he entered the living area, fully dressed in jeans, a black t-shirt, and a red flannel over it.

"Waffles," Logan informed him simply with a finger pointing in the direction of the kitchen. He walked over to Sage, still looking tired, and made a move to take her now empty plate, but she shook her head.

"Relax, Logan. I got it," she patted his shoulder and returned his grateful smile. He threw himself on the couch and turned on the news, focusing on the day's events rather than the thoughts wracking his brain.

Sage took her plate and stacked it with the ones James and Carlos had left on the coffee table. She brought them over to the sink, running hot water to rinse the sticky syrup away while Kendall stood beside her. He bit into a dry waffle and chewed as he slunk an arm around her waist and tugged her against him. She didn't flinch, even though she wasn't expecting the extra contact, and continued washing off the plates while he pressed his cheek onto the side of her head.

"Hi again," he whispered, his heart thumping like it hadn't in a long time.

"Hi," she smiled and mumbled back faintly, shutting the water off.

The tension from earlier was back. The intimacy heightened between them when his fingers grazed her bare arm and she leaned into his chest, silently thinking of what it would be like if he was still only in a towel. Kendall tilted his head downwards and caught her lips with his own, tasting the sweet syrup on her skin.

"Holy shit! Kendall!" Carlos' booming voice broke them apart. He appeared on the balcony again and scrambled down the swirly slide, running into the counter with a thud before he could brace his hands beside Sage, who was smirking at Kendall when he hung his head low with his eyes shut; upset by the interruption.

"Give me the comb, Carlos! Kendall can't save you!" James appeared from the hall after rushing down the stairs.

"Take your frickin' comb," Carlos collected himself near the counter, holding his cell phone with one hand and using the other to pull the desired object out of his pocket and chuck it at James. The boy panicked but caught the black plastic smoothly, combing his hair and glaring at Carlos. "I have bigger worries than your hair care!" he waved his phone in Kendall's face.

"What's the problem?" Logan sat up on the couch and turned the television off. He strolled over to the stools at the counter and took a seat in front of Carlos.

"I don't know. I had him trapped in the bathroom, his phone went off, and then he just spazzed and trampled over me to get down here," James waved his hands before putting the comb back into the pocket of his jeans where it belonged.

"Arielle texted me! She wants to go to lunch. What do I do?" Carlos stared at Kendall.

"That model from the club last month? Nice," James nodded in approval as he saddled up beside Logan, but Carlos never took his eyes off of Kendall as he gestured wildly with his cell phone.

"Why are you asking me?" Kendall looked alarmed by the sudden pressure and kept his arm around Sage while he waited for an explanation. "James is the ladies' man," he rolled his eyes when James popped the collar of his shirt.

"I need someone who has experience," Carlos explained nervously, still looking at the text message on his phone.

"Hey! I have tons of experience," James argued indignantly and pouted as he leaned back in his chair.

"We know, James. We know," Logan smirked, and Sage bit back a chuckle.

"I mean _**relationship **_experience… I like her… I didn't think she'd ever contact me, but I guess I got lucky, and I can't fuck this up," Carlos shrugged sheepishly.

"When you're ready to get in her pants, come to me… Kendall can take this one," James bent forward and grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl, biting into it without a care in the world.

"That's so sweet of you, James," Sage snickered. James simply gave her a thumbs-up only to have his hand slapped by Logan.

"What's the problem, Carlitos? Just text her back. She obviously wants to see you," Kendall grinned and punched him on the shoulder in a form of celebration.

"She's a model, Kendall! She's way, way, way out of my league. I'm not sure I can keep up with her," Carlos shook his head but remained focused on his cell.

"You can keep up with anyone, Carlos. Go and have fun. If it doesn't work out, then it's not the end of the world. It's a date, not marriage," Kendall laughed, but he knew the nerves that his friend was feeling. After all, he himself went on a date a long time ago that resulted in something he believed would eventually lead to Sage becoming his wife.

"Okay…" Carlos seemed reluctant, but they knew that it was just his anxiety talking. He felt like Arielle could be a possible relationship, and the last one he had was with Roselynn. They ended on good terms, but they ended all the same. He wasn't sure if he was willing to give something serious another shot. "Can I borrow your car?" he stared at Kendall hopefully, and got a short laugh in return.

"Sure, buddy."

* * *

"I'm so glad you texted. Today was awesome," Carlos bounced in his seat slightly as he drove with Arielle by his side, all of his fears from earlier nowhere in sight. As usual, he took a leap of faith and hit the ground running at full speed; not looking back once he jumped.

"It was," Arielle nodded enthusiastically, her perfectly styled hair swaying all at once with the movement and never falling out of place. "Lunch was nice, but there's actually this party tonight that some of my friends are throwing at a popular club, and I'd hate to show up without a date. Would you-"

"I can't. I'm sorry!" Carlos snuck a glance at her before bringing his eyes back to the road. "It's just that I have to be home tonight. Sage needs my help with something," he smiled at the girl apologetically while Arielle waved a dismissive hand through the air.

"It's no big deal… Sage? That's your friend's girlfriend, right? Do you hang out with her a lot?" Arielle kept her beautiful face relatively blank, only a small smile donning her features as she settled down further into the passenger seat; twisting her body so that she could look at him when he answered.

"Yup, we hang out all the time. She lives with me," Carlos replied nonchalantly, keeping a more vibrant smile while flipping on the turn signal as they neared a stop sign. He didn't notice Arielle's slim brow rise.

"Oh… can I meet her?" she placed a hand on his arm, which made him stutter and grin. She had that effect on him during their entire date. She'd flirt and innocently touch, and he'd get bashful from the usually nonexistent extra attention.

"Of course, just let me call to make sure she's there," he thought quickly as he paused at a red light. He knew Sage would be home, he just needed an out in case she wasn't okay with meeting someone new. He held the phone up to his ear, smiling when Sage picked up, "Hey! Can I bring Arielle to see you guys?"

Arielle remained quiet and kept her eyes on him the whole time, watching as Carlos continued smiling and exchanging words with the girl on the phone. After just a few moments, he ended the call.

"We're all set. She said that they would be at the pool," Carlos sped down the road when the congestion cleared up, and he quickly arrived at the parking lot of the Palm Woods. He cheered inwardly at Sage's response, both for getting an agreement and for her being out of the apartment. It was something she tried to do more often; leaving 2J and exploring more of the hotel's property with at least one of them now that she didn't have to hide from Bitters.

He found an empty space in the front lot of the building and parked, getting out of the car and rushing around to Arielle's side to open her door for her. He didn't realize that she never even made a move to open it herself. She had gotten used to him spoiling her all afternoon; paying for the date and opening doors in the most gentlemanly way he could muster up as he tried to impress her. She'd be lying if she said she didn't like the attention.

When they stepped into the pool area, James was tanning on a lounge chair with his shirt off as he soaked up the sun's rays with his hands bracing his head behind him. The lounger had been dragged so that it was situated practically right in front of the cabana that the others sat under at a table. It looked as if he did it to be a part of the group while simultaneously blocking Sage off from any people that would pass by. Logan and Camille sat side by side across from Kendall, who had Sage resting in his lap while they all chatted. The closely connected couple was positioned in the furthest corner of the cabana so that she was still hidden the most, yet out in the open too.

"Hey, Carlos! How'd the date go?" James grinned up at him and Arielle but didn't move from his reclined position.

"It was great! We went mini-golfing. Can you believe that Arielle's never been before?" Carlos rambled obliviously, nothing capable of diminishing his mood as he held his date's hand.

"Really?"

Camille spoke up first, sounding harmless and rhetorical but sharing a look with Sage across the table; signifying that they could both see that Arielle wasn't dressed for a Carlos-type outing. She was clad in a miniskirt, a designer blouse, and heels; standing out like a spotlight by the pool where everyone was clothed for swimming or lounging. The model was probably expecting something more sophisticated for their impromptu get-together, but she didn't reject Carlos when she could have, and she was even making a point of meeting his friends.

"There's a first time for everything," Arielle replied cutely, making a point to giggle when Carlos slipped an arm around her waist and smiled at her.

"Anyway, this is James," Carlos started the introduction, pointing to the tanning boy, who waved shortly.

"Oh, so you're the friend that took Carlos away from me at the bar," she smirked and wiggled away from the teen on her side only to wrap both of her arms around one of Carlos' own, causing him to beam brightly at her. "You look kind of handsome when you're not drunk and tripping over yourself," she sounded like she was teasing, referring back to the night he had gotten intoxicated and when Carlos first met her. James just snickered in reply to the suggestive comment, and Carlos kept smiling like he didn't even hear Arielle while he stared right at her.

Logan's brow furrowed in concern before he shook his head and played with the straw in the smoothie in front of him. His other hand was on top of the table and connected with Camille's, tracing her palm absentmindedly with one of his fingers. Across from them, Sage shifted against Kendall with a frown. She wasn't sure if she liked how Arielle was gazing at James. She looked down at Kendall, and he began reading her mind in only a way he could.

Her eyes drifted to the bleach blonde model, then to James, and back to Kendall. He quirked one shoulder, at a loss and unwilling to jump to conclusions. Maybe Arielle was just a natural flirt. They lived with one, so it wasn't very rare to see. It was just weird to see it from the other end. James didn't appear to notice at all, keeping his face pointed towards the sky. It wasn't like him to pay attention to girls that were off limits, even if the girl wasn't particularly acting like it.

"And that's Logan and our friend Camille. There's Kendall, and that's Sage," Carlos remained vibrant as he continued and pointed to each of the teenagers, not fading even when Arielle's eyes locked onto Sage in a way that reminded her of Samantha Carson back in North Dakota. Kendall tightened the hold he had on his girlfriend. He could see it too.

"You're Sage? Carlos talks about you a lot," Arielle commented with an insinuating tone, causing Sage's eyes to narrow in confusion. The girl looked at Carlos, and James could be heard chuckling as he struggled to stay out of it; keeping his sunglasses on and his face away from the group, like he knew exactly what was happening before anyone else did.

"I told you about them all," Carlos laughed and repositioned his arm around Arielle, tugging her as if she was being funny.

"So, you live with Carlos and the guys? You don't have a family?" It was an innocent question from Arielle, but there was a certain bite to it that only the right type of female could pull off.

Sage was speechless, not seeing this coming and unsure of the proper way to respond. Kendall cleared his throat as if he was going to jump up even with her in his lap. Logan's mouth hung open as he stared, and even James had abandoned the idea of nonchalance and spun around to peer at them over his sunglasses.

"We're her family," Camille jumped in first once again, bravely using some malice right back at Arielle in a passive aggressive manner that she had learned to pick up and use when necessary while combating in Hollywood. She didn't know Sage's true story, but she knew enough to understand that this was Sage's only life and they were all she had.

"It's sweet that they took you in like that," Arielle ignored Camille and chose to grin pleasantly at Carlos for the lack of being able to do so at the others. He had been frozen but then he was smiling back at her like nothing happened.

James sighed and sat up, forgetting all about tanning as the tension continuously grew and diminished too rapidly to keep up. Logan and Sage both stayed quiet with their eyes off of Arielle, neither one of them fans of conflict, but the more fiery Kendall and Camille were doing all the glaring for them.

"She's right where she belongs," Kendall smiled in the most unfriendly way he could manage and placed his head in the crook of Sage's neck, which seemed to relax her. She swallowed and rubbed her palms on his forearms.

"Well," Arielle started in an overly cordial manner, "It was nice meeting you all," she clapped her hands together, manicured nails swishing through the air until her fingers laced in front of her.

"Likewise," Logan appeared confused, making his statement almost into the form of a question.

"Can you take me home now?" Arielle asked Carlos joyfully, pretending to be unaware of the other's responses to her, and not even caring that Sage never said a single word.

"Sure!" he hopped in place, his characteristics never changing despite all of the friction right in front of him. "I'll be back," he called out to his friends as he led Arielle away. He didn't let any of the conversation faze him. Perhaps he hardly perceived any problems at all. Looking for emotional trouble wasn't in his nature.

Once they were out of earshot, the entire remaining group broke their silence.

"She was… um…" Logan started but was unable to come up with something appropriate to say.

"A bitch?" Kendall offered bitterly.

"I wasn't going to use that specific term, but it works," Logan agreed with a faint grin as he sipped on his drink.

"Damn right it works," Camille mumbled beside him, gazing at the lobby with a death glare like she could still see Arielle.

"Are we sure that she's right for Carlos? He's so nice, and she's so…" Sage trailed off, trying to be nonjudgmental but getting dangerously close to failure.

"Not," Kendall finished for her just like he did for Logan, full of malevolence for the model. He held Sage tighter and released the tension in his shoulders when she pressed fully against him even though the position had a chance of making her uncomfortable.

"Listen, Carlos lives with a hot girl. That's why Arielle was copping a 'tude. Sage is shacking up with _**her**_ prospective guy. You're the competition, and she only got feisty and jealous because she _**likes**_ Carlos… It's a good thing, really," James spun on his chair fully and addressed the foursome, supplying them with his supposedly airtight theory. Logan shook his head and smiled while Kendall laughed at his friend's easily constructed girl-logic.

"That sorta makes sense," Camille admitted, her eyes wide in surprise when she wrapped her mind around it.

"Thank you!" James pumped his fists in celebration and then settled back onto the lounge chair with his fingers locking together behind his head.

"Hey!" Camille called out loudly, tossing a balled up napkin at his hair and making him yelp and growl as he fixed the messed up tresses. "I didn't say that it made complete sense. She still didn't need to behave like that. It's a terrible character flaw," she grimaced; scrunching her nose up in disgust. Sage laughed at the girl's ability to connect everything to the acting profession; how she saw the world like a movie that could be analyzed, dissected, and rewritten if needed.

"Always the actress, Cam," she smirked and played absentmindedly with the hair near the back of Kendall's neck, raking her nails along his scalp while he pushed into the touch with his eyes still on the others.

"It's my job," Camille shrugged and straightened her posture as if to present herself with a playful air.

"Speaking of jobs," Logan squeezed her hand so she would look at him, "let's take advantage of us both having the day off. We should get ready for our dinner date." He stood up and took Camille with him after she nodded. Gustavo had given them a free day while he took a few business meetings, and Camille didn't have any auditions lined up. Lately, that translated into a chance at an outing for the pair.

Things at the studio had been going well with Sage in the mix. She got along with Kelly immediately, but Gustavo hardly acknowledged her presence. They took it as a good response, thinking that indifference was better than his normally rude and pushy behavior. He didn't say anything about the song she worked on, which only she and Kendall knew about, but she hadn't really expected him to. It was just sort of a thanks to him, and she was waiting to see what would happen with it. So far, in the three weeks she was there, she sat back and out of the way while the boys worked. She would watch, write in a notebook, or mess around with the instruments to keep herself entertained. She'd occasionally get a task from Kelly and learn a bit of the business so that she didn't feel like she was just there or being an annoyance.

"I'll be home early," Logan looked to Sage and Kendall, who both nodded, and snuck a sideways glance at James that Camille didn't catch; silently conveying a reminder that they had plans for therapy later.

"Don't rush," Sage called out happily as she watched Logan and Camille head towards the lobby.

"Have fun," Kendall added with a small smile. He could see the way Logan was getting closer to Camille; physically and emotionally. It was something that he only reserved for them and was now taking a huge risk in expanding to someone else.

* * *

The sun was setting by the time Logan and Camille had finished their dinner date, and they now walked through Palm Woods Park; a nicely landscaped patch of land on the hotel's property. A few kids were kicking a ball in the distance, and there were two other couples scattered around; one on a bench, another on a blanket beneath a tree. Camille held Logan's hand as they moved towards the park's large fountain in an odd silence.

"You seem upset tonight, Logan," she spoke softly, not wanting to worrying him, but smiling when he resorted to panic anyway.

"I'm not, I swear," he shook his head vigorously from side to side, calming down when he caught Camille's grin. He stopped walking near the center of the circle-shaped fountain and sighed. "I'm just… distracted," he dug into the pocket of his jacket and stole a glance at his phone.

Patrick had called when he was getting ready for his date with Camille. They tried to talk once or twice a month, but he ignored this certain call because of the timing. However, he couldn't shake the desire to talk to Patrick after his mind had been on Elliot's letter. It was like his father had read his thoughts from across the country. He felt like he needed to speak to him now; needed to clear the air that he kept polluted on purpose in order to guard himself from the past.

"Is it school?" Camille guessed, knowing that he worried about those types of things.

She always saw him doing something academic when he had a spare moment, constantly gaining more knowledge to feed his curiosity and interests. She herself was done with her basic education. She had been on the Hollywood track for years, fitting in class where it was appropriate, and she didn't take long breaks. Instead of vacation time, she just kept going forward with it so that she'd be able to focus more on trying to land a job. The boys were still new to it all, but they were on the right path to finishing before the winter after everything was said and done.

"For once, no," Logan laughed and put his phone away before he took both of her hands into his own, grinning fondly when he saw that their pale skin tones almost matched in the orange glow of the sunset.

"It's about Sage, isn't it?" Camille smiled triumphantly. She knew her guess was somewhat correct.

"What?" Logan's eyes widened and he swallowed as he thought. "Why would I be upset about Sage? Everything's fine," he looked around, hoping that she wouldn't be able to tell he was lying if she couldn't see his face.

"I know her, but there's more to her story than you guys are telling me. Am I right?" Camille continued confidently but weakly, trying not to upset him.

"Uh…" he awkwardly scratched the back of his neck. He didn't want to deceive her directly.

"You don't have to spill any secrets, Logie. Sage will let me know when she feels like it's the right time… but, if _**you**_ need to talk, you have me, okay?" she seemed relieved when Logan smiled and nodded. He bit his lip in thought and then tugged her over to the fountain so that they could sit on the edge.

"I've been thinking about my dad," he confessed cautiously, doubtful of the conversation he was about to walk into.

"You miss him?" Camille inquired with interest and care as she leaned towards him so the distance between them wasn't so large.

"Kind of… I mean, I _**do**_, and that's what bothers me… I don't tell him that… I never have since we started talking again," he gripped the edge of the stone slab beneath him and leaned forward until he could see his sneakers on the ground.

"He wasn't around your whole life," she stated, not bothering with a question when she already had an answer. "I knew that your parents were divorced like mine, but I didn't really think that there was a huge divide," she gestured with her hands as if it emphasized her astonishment. She lived with her own dad at the Palm Woods before he went back to Connecticut for a good job opportunity at an accounting firm, but she was always close with both her mother and her father, and they even got along with each other despite the split.

"Yeah, I don't talk about it much, not even with the guys unless I have to… Patrick, my dad, got into a lot of trouble. He was a good father, but then he developed a bit of a drug problem, and everything just sort of fell apart," Logan spun where he sat so that he faced Camille completely while trailing the tips of his fingers in the water of the fountain. She remained quiet, waiting for him to speak. "He apologized, and he's been making amends… I gave him another chance, a fresh start, but I've still been keeping him at a distance."

"What made you think of this now? You seemed okay before…" Camille looked at their rippled reflections in the water, surrounded by the multiple colors of the sunset.

"Maybe this is a little about Sage," Logan admitted, chuckling when Camille appeared victorious for her earlier speculation. "She got a letter from someone in her past, a bad guy that hurt her a lot when he was her f-foster parent," he stumbled, choosing his words carefully even though it felt wrong to call Elliot her parent in any way. "I think he sent it to her for closure, to say goodbye, because he can't have a second chance with her. He fucked up too bad, but his words made me think of my dad, who _**is**_ doing everything right. He can be forgiven… I didn't really tell him that yet, though…"

"Tell him now," Camille declared suddenly. She made it sound like it was the simplest choice he would ever make.

"I can't do that," he argued lamely and wiped his hand on his jeans.

"Why not? You have a phone," she took the liberty of digging into the pocket of his jacket and retrieving it for him, slapping it into his palm that she pulled towards her, "and you have a voice… Go for it," she instructed him warmly, nudging his leg with her foot.

"It's not that easy," he countered anxiously. He knew that he'd end up making the phone call no matter what. Camille was good at getting things to go her way when they needed to.

"You just explained it to me. Say it to him! No time like the present," she pushed his cell more towards his body until it collided with his chest. He huffed a heavy breath.

"Fine, but you're staying here with me while I do this, right?" he glanced sideways at her while repositioning himself so that his back was to the water.

"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else," she scooted closer to his side and leaned against him.

Logan nodded slowly and looked down at his phone, scrolling through his contact list and stopping at "Patrick". For obvious reasons, he never thought of labeling the number as "Dad". He dialed with a shaky hand and held the phone up to his ear.

"Hey, Logan," his father greeted him brightly as he answered after only a few rings. "You got my call? I just wanted to check in and see how things were going," the older man sounded calm and happy, something he tried his best to be on a daily basis after such a dark battle over the years.

"Hi, Patrick… Everything's fine here; a lot of the same," Logan chuckled uncomfortably, only relaxing when he felt Camille's hand suddenly press against his back; rubbing a soothing circle.

"So, I assume the band it alright, then? I keep telling everyone around here that you're gonna be a pop star. They love stuff like that in a small town. Denise put a picture of you boys up at the bar in the restaurant so I can point you out to all of our customers."

"Yeah… I'm still working on the dancing, though," Logan could practically hear Patrick's smile. He was always so supportive of him, even when his son decided not to become a doctor right away like he did. Patrick just believed in Logan no matter what.

"How's Sage?"

"She's good. Everything you told me is helping a lot… She gets out of the apartment sometimes now, and she's doing really well with the other stuff too," Logan explained excitedly, ignoring Camille's analytical stare while she tried to figure out more of what they were hiding. She knew it was fruitless, but she was a naturally curious girl.

"I'm glad I could help," Patrick responded not only cordially, but there was pure honesty there too. He truly wanted to assist them even when he didn't know Sage. It was important to Logan, so that made it important to him. "Are you doing okay?"

"I'm great. I'm just on a date with my girlfriend."

Logan felt it, but he didn't do anything when Camille's hand stopped on his back. It was just for a second, and then she resumed rubbing between his shoulder blades. He shocked himself with his statement too. They hadn't even kissed yet, let alone declare themselves an official couple, but it felt right when he said it, and he had a feeling she would be pleased with it after her months of pursuing him.

"Then why are you talking to me?" Patrick laughed heartily, and Logan chuckled at the reaction, but then he sobered when he remembered why he had called in the first place.

"Yeah, I should get going… but I- " Logan paused, growing quiet as he looked down and struggled for the right thing to say.

"Are you still there, Logan?" Patrick's soft voice broke through his daze and reminded him that he was on the phone.

"Uh… I'm still here… I just wanted to say thank you, Dad…" Logan bit his lip with a smile, and his eyes stung at the intake of air he could hear from the man on the other end of the line. He hadn't called him "Dad" since he was a little boy. "Thank you for helping me, for caring enough to do what was best…"

Patrick didn't come back until he was prepared and healthy, giving Logan the choice. He had lost control when he got addicted to the painkillers, and he wasn't pompous enough to think that he would get to have it again just because he got clean. He respected and loved Logan so much that he let him run everything between them. He let him take on the responsibility that he ought to have; let him rule his own life and decide whether or not Patrick's reentry was justified.

"You're welcome," Patrick cleared his throat. "It's still not enough after all that I did, but- I'm never going to stop making it up to you, alright? I can't tell the future, but I'm always going to put you first like I should have when you were young… I didn't deserve a second chance, and you gave me one anyway. I won't screw it up," he sounded like he was going to cry, shifting the phone around so that there was a bit of static before he resettled. Logan smiled and blinked away his own tears.

"I know. That's why I forgive you… You've earned it…"

And he knew that he'd keep earning it. Patrick made bad choices, but he wasn't Elliot. His mistakes weren't all his own, having been influenced by the drugs and the illness that addiction could morph into. He was redeemable, and he had worked hard to get there. Logan could forgive the people worth forgiving, like he had forgiven James so many times before for being not-so-friendly to him or others, and Patrick had officially made it onto that short list. He was there for his son just like he promised he would be almost a year ago on his eighteenth birthday. He listened to him and expected absolutely nothing in return. He helped Logan become capable of being there for Sage in a way no one else could have. Patrick was developing into the father he lost the opportunity to be a long time ago, and Logan was open enough to let him do it. If Sage's arrival had taught him anything, it was that things could change so fast and be over in the blink of an eye. Yes, he lost Patrick, but he was lucky to have him back now. He wanted to hold onto the good things he had before they got the chance to disappear.

"Okay… Um…" Patrick laughed weakly and cleared his throat again. "Go be with your girlfriend… Is she pretty?"

Logan chuckled and blinked a few more times until he was sure the tears weren't going to fall. He turned to look at Camille. She was just smiling at him and patiently waiting for him to finish; staring at him like he was the only other person in the world at that moment.

"She's beautiful, crazy, and perfect," Logan told Patrick with more confidence than he thought he could possess, but he didn't regret it in the slightest. Camille opened her mouth only to snap it shut and blush, looking down and grabbing one of his hands into both of her own.

"Good," Patrick was obviously smiling; his tone lighter than Logan had ever heard it since he had met him in the diner back home months ago. "Tell me more about her the next time we talk, alright?"

"Sure, I'll call you soon… I love you, Dad," Logan listened to the silence on Patrick's end as the man took in his words, probably memorizing the way they sounded.

"I love you too, son, and I'm really proud of you… I wasn't there to see it happen, but you've become a great young man."

Logan knew there was no way to accurately respond other than acceptance, knowing that it was something his father needed to say; something he needed to put out there just like Logan had done.

"Bye, Dad," he smiled into the phone, exhaling loudly when he realized that he had made it through the conversation and felt nothing but relief; a weight slipping off of his shoulders that he didn't even notice he had been carrying.

"Goodnight, Logan."

He ended the call, placing his phone on the stone of the fountain beside him before looking at Camille.

"You feel better now?" she asked him sweetly, already knowing the answer.

"A lot… That was a good idea," he admitted cheerfully.

"I have tons of them," she flipped her hair playfully, causing them both to laugh. A silence settled over them again, and she was the first to disrupt it. "You said I was your girlfriend," her voice was nearly a whisper.

"Oh, I d-didn't mean t-to assume-"

"I really liked it," Camille told him coyly, nervously looking down at their hands.

"Great," he sighed the word out and grinned. He raised his free hand up to place two fingers under her chin and made her face him with a gentle pull. "I think I'm gonna kiss you now…"

"Finally," she mumbled teasingly as they both bent forward, trying to be humorous through her nerves.

Camille had never had a real kiss before. She got plenty in her profession, but she always insisted that none of them counted. This was real; a real boy that wanted her as much as she wanted him. The way Logan's warm hand caressed the side of her face as he leaned in wasn't part of some script. When their lips connected in a soft touch, she wasn't waiting for the director to yell "cut". It was just them; just a simple kiss between a new couple. It was innocent, yet intense because of the care and emotion between them. It was probably one of the best things either one of them had ever experienced so far in their short lives.

When it ended, Logan didn't pull away completely. He kept his forehead pressed against hers, and she stayed completely still except for inhaling and exhaling; like neither one of them wanted to break the moment.

"Thanks for being a wonderful girlfriend," Logan smiled, deciding he liked how the label sounded on her. He hadn't used it on anyone before, so he never knew when it would be right for him, but this didn't feel questionable at all. Camille was his girlfriend now. It was an indisputable fact. She pecked his lips one more time before tearing herself away and wiping her thumb gently across the skin just below his mouth to get rid of a smudge of her lip gloss.

"Thanks for being an awesome boyfriend."

* * *

"Remind me again why we're doing this… I'm losing my nerve here," Sage stood near the kitchen, anxiously rubbing her hands on the thighs of her jeans when they wouldn't stop shaking; a telltale sign that she was on the verge of a panic attack and would be pushed over if she wasn't careful. She looked to James beside her, who merely held his hands up in surrender.

"I'm not gonna argue with the doctor. That always gets me nowhere fast," he smirked and patted her back when he saw her face fall, realizing that there was no possible way of getting out of Logan's new idea for therapy.

The good part was that they were almost done as a whole, but the bad part was that it meant conquering some of her greater fears.

Logan had arrived home from his date with his newly titled girlfriend only a few minutes ago, and he wanted to get started on the session right away. The plan was to have James move on to something more taxing, which he embraced wholeheartedly after finally accepting that he and Sage would be alright during and after therapy. Deep down, he was still convinced that she'd loathe him eventually for something else, but he was safe for now. Tonight, he was supposed to wrap his arms around her waist from behind, essentially grabbing her just like Elliot did the moment before her life changed for good; when he had chased her down, chloroformed her, and she woke up in hell.

"It's just another fear to get past, Sage. You've done great so far. You got this!" Carlos cheered her on from his spot on the couch, sending a quick text to Arielle before shutting his phone off so he could focus. They had been messaging most of the afternoon when their outing came to a close. He was completely smitten with her.

"Okay. I'm, like, halfway to breathing normally… Anyone got anything else?" she wondered nervously, blowing a heavy breath out from between her lips. She stared at Kendall, who smiled back warmly. She felt the need to hold onto him more than she had in a long time. They had both been feeling it all day ever since their encounter that morning, but he kept his distance now; doing everything like he was supposed to when it came to therapy.

"You need this, Sage. You can come outside with us, and go to the studio, but don't you want to do things on your own?" Logan wondered with a small smile.

"Sometimes," she admitted quietly, pressing her hips back into the counter behind her.

She loved the guys, but she kind of missed the sense of freedom that she used to have. Over two years ago, she was still with Elliot, but he left her alone. She would leave the house and roam the town while he worked, just doing anything by herself. Now when she was alone it felt limiting. She needed to get rid of that illogical sensation.

"We want that too. We want you to be able to do normal things that people our age do," Kendall spoke on Logan's behalf.

Surprisingly, he was antsy to reach this part of therapy; to move forward into a state of normalcy that they earned. He remembered how independent she appeared when he first met her; how she both withered and flourished because of it. With Elliot out of the picture, all she could do was go up; no longer being held down.

"But you have to be safe," he continued when Sage only nodded and stayed silent. "I know Elliot's gone, but there are other bad people in the world," he paused, grinding his teeth to get rid of the ugly scenarios running through his mind. He didn't want to get carried away with his imagination. He needed to stay in reality with her. "You know I love being by your side all of the time, but Logan's informed me that it's not rational," he smirked when the boy rolled his eyes and took a seat on the back of the couch by Carlos. James chuckled but said nothing while Sage grinned. "So, if you were on the crowded streets of Los Angeles and some random asshole with a death wish grabbed you, what would you do?" He only gave her a second to ponder the rhetorical question before he moved on. "If you have a panic attack, you won't be able to defend yourself… You wouldn't be able to scream for help. You'd just cry and g-give up," the words were hard for him to say, but they all knew the truth behind them, even Sage. She could already see that exact situation happening just how he described. It was practically inevitable.

"Good pep talk," she sounded a little floored but grateful as she smiled at Kendall and took a few deep breaths.

"It's what I do," he crossed his arms smugly and leaned back in his chair.

"Let's just get this show on the road," James playfully glared at their leader.

"I'm gonna agree with James this time," Logan smirked and roamed over to stand in the space between the table and the couch. "You ready, Sage?"

"Ready as I'll ever be... Protect yourself, James. I might kick," she joked with a shaky voice, her nerves firing wildly as she grabbed his hand to start getting used to him again.

"Try not to aim for one of my most prized possessions," he gestured below his waist. "You'd be disappointing most of the female population."

"Or helping them out," Carlos piped up slyly, merely laughing along with the others when James glared at him.

"Alright, let's be serious… Sage move away from James, but keep looking at him," Logan ordered her calmly, shifting into his doctor-mode and effectively hushing the apartment. She did as she was told, feeling like this was the easy part compared to what was coming. "What's your level like, knowing what he's going to do?"

"It's pretty close to a ten," she mumbled, appearing confused as she slipped her eyes shut. Elliot was in her head; speaking to her and standing over her.

"…_when I said that you were staying here, I meant _**staying **_here. You're not leaving this house… ever…"_

She shuddered at the memory. Her breathing picked up to an abnormal rate.

"Kendall…" she whimpered his name. It wasn't something she had done often. Normally, she was able to keep herself attentive, but, just for a second, she was so sure that she was going to get taken away from him again.

"I'm here," he spoke clearly, but it was strained, and he gripped the edge of the table until his knuckles turned white as he fought to stay where he was. He couldn't run and save her every time she got upset. Carlos appeared beside him, bringing a hand down onto his shoulder and squeezing as if to comfort his friend. It worked a bit, and he felt Kendall relax under the touch.

"Look at James," Logan got Sage's attention with the order. She liked when he gave them. It helped her focus. She opened her eyes and stared up at James, who offered her a sad smile that she returned. "Now, remember to breathe and work through it when things get intense… I want you to turn around and just… wait…" Logan knew how threatening it sounded, but there was no other way for him to phrase it. "Be prepared, Sage. He isn't going to let you go until I say so; until I think it's too much or if I think you've had enough."

She nodded and glanced at James, then Kendall, then Carlos, and then Logan like she could memorize the way they looked and force herself to remember where she was and who she was with. It wasn't that easy, though. She knew they'd fade when the terror rose. She spun slowly, keeping her eyes on the hardwood floor until she had pivoted completely away from James. She couldn't have truly known, but she swore that she could feel him get closer; her spine tingling in the most unpleasant way imaginable.

"It's James," she muttered to herself repeatedly, trying to cope in any way she could before she had to stop. Her throat burned with a silent scream when she literally heard him make a move, his sneaker scuffling across the floor and cutting through the deafening quiet in the room.

"… _Don't make this harder. Calm down…"_

Elliot's voice was back as soon as James' arms were around her torso in a tight hold, tugging her towards his body, and she let out the scream she had been keeping in. Immediately thrashing around, Sage didn't hold back the feeling that drove her instinct to flinch and struggle; pure panic controlling everything.

"Don't just act, Sage… Think…" the sound of Logan was a little louder than Elliot, more familiar and welcoming to her battered heart.

She grabbed at James' forearms, clawing harmlessly at the tan skin.

James.

Not Elliot.

That's what she repeated internally to herself as she pushed and pulled against him wildly, trying to will her body to stop moving by itself. She could only hear herself panting, and she was unable to form actual words or understandable sounds; just like Kendall thought. Her mind was working correctly, fully comprehending for once that Elliot was not there, but her body kept attempting to act on its own; continuing to flail and squirm when James held her tighter so that she couldn't slip away.

"How's your level?" It was Kendall's voice that time, speaking up when his curiosity got the best of him. He must have seen the confliction on his girlfriend's face; seen the way that it wasn't just pure fright. He could see the battle.

"Less… I just can't make it s-stop," she tried to explain, but it felt inadequate because her throat was still protesting the use of words as the alarm bells rang deafeningly in her head and told her to keep fighting; to run and refuse to be trapped again. She didn't even realize that she was crying until the tears fell to the ground beneath her. She had the perfect view of the small droplets hitting the wood flooring because of the way she was bent at the waist.

"A little while longer. You're doing really good," Logan told her truthfully. He was surprised about how present she was. He had anticipated her retreating in on herself, but she was staying with them. She was getting stronger.

"What's going on here?"

They all turned to a voice at the door, where Camille was standing with her hand on the knob and her eyes wide. Even Sage had stopped thrashing and settled for wiggling as she came down from the adrenaline rush enough to actually see what was in front of her. James froze with his arms still holding her, Kendall stood up at the table and looked back and forth between Camille and Logan, who was opening and closing his mouth like a fish, and Carlos smiled apologetically; remembering that it was usually his job to check the door before therapy began.

"I think I forgot to lock the door."

* * *

"That's just… Are you okay? Of course you're not okay," Camille laughed darkly and wiped at the tears that had fallen down her own face at Sage's story. She shifted on her worn, brown sofa so that she could look at her friend more directly. She and Sage had gone up to her apartment to talk privately after what she had seen in 2J, and Sage knew that she needed to tell her everything.

As usual, it was pure fate or coincidence that brought Camille to the hallway outside of their door. After she parted with Logan, she received a call from her agent, who told her that she had landed a multi-episode deal on a relatively popular show for their demographic, and she wanted to tell Sage. She also wanted a little excuse to squeal to her about being official with Logan, but she was completely sober after finding what she did; her friends all in a state of distress. They couldn't explain it away or make up excuses once she had witnessed what she now knew as therapy, and Sage decided that it was time to stop keeping things from Camille, especially after they had become so close.

"It's alright, Cam… I promise that I'm getting better, but I understand if you don't want to stick around the mental case, so- "

She tried to give her an out if she needed one after discovering the type of life Sage had led before, but Camille cut her off with a fierce hug; her brunette waves mixing with Sage's blonde locks as they collided and her arms weaved around her neck.

"Don't talk like that. You're the best friend I have... I love you. I'm not gonna just give you up because you've been through crazy shit… I told you; we're all a little nuts," Camille laughed into her shoulder before pulling away, smiling when Sage chuckled back; thinking she should have known that Camille wouldn't do anything to hurt her.

"Logan will be happy to hear that. Before you dragged me out of there, he was giving me this look that clearly said, 'I'm praying that this doesn't make me lose my first girlfriend, who I haven't even had for a full hour'…" Sage settled back down into the sofa, glancing up at the ceiling for a moment. It was lower than the one in 2J. Camille's apartment, 5K, didn't have two levels, and it was significantly smaller because it was just her and her father when they first moved in. The numerous pictures on the white walls and the knickknacks on the shelves gave it a homey and lived-in feeling that reminded Sage of the better times in North Dakota.

"Please, he can't get rid of me that easily," Camille smirked at her, and then it fell into a little, giddy smile.

"You guys kissed, didn't you?" Sage smiled easily. She was happy that she felt no tension between them. The air was clear, and she was fortunate that Camille wasn't the type to stay down long.

"Yes! It was like a movie, only…" she paused and bit her lip.

"Better?" Sage suggested, nodding right along with Camille; knowing what she was feeling. Her own first kiss was pretty fantastic.

"Is it too early for me to think that I could fall in love with him?" Camille's tone became softer, more hesitant.

"I'm the wrong person to be asking that, but don't be scared to feel it if it happens… Sometimes it ends good, and sometimes it ends bad, but love's never wrong," Sage sighed and reached up to fiddle with the pendant around her neck.

"Speaking of boyfriends, I should let you get back to yours. I'm sure you and Kendall appreciate your alone time, and I wouldn't want to cut into that any more than I already have," Camille giggled and glanced at the clock nailed to the wall right beside the kitchen island. Her tone was insinuating that Sage and Kendall spent their time being together intimately. She didn't realize how far off she was.

"Um, yeah…" Sage laughed awkwardly, pushing herself towards the edge of the couch to stand, but Camille stopped her before she got up.

"Oh, shit… What did I say? You're gonna have to warn me about the new boundaries. You know I speak before I think sometimes," she panicked, pushing her hands towards Sage only to pull them back and repeat the process so that they hovered dramatically between them.

"No… No boundaries with you, Camille," Sage smiled at the thought before continuing. "It's just that Kendall and I haven't…" she wiggled her fingers in the air lamely, at a loss for words and suddenly overcome with nerves. She didn't notice until now that she had never really discussed her sex life with anyone other than Kendall. Her rape experiences, yes, but not her personal relationship with her boyfriend of choice.

"What? You guys were really close today at the pool, and you two kind of exude this… sexual… energy. I just assumed that you two had slept together before," Camille appeared apologetic for jumping to conclusions, but Sage instantly corrected her.

"You're right. We've had sex, a lot of it actually," she grinned when Camille bit back her laughter. "We just haven't been together since Elliot…" Sage finished with a shrug, knowing Camille would understand that she was referring to everything she had revealed about her past.

"I feel like throwing up when you say his name," Camille confessed. Her features scrunched up in disgust and anger.

"Well, now that you've been added to the list of people who feel that way, I think we have enough to start a club," Sage joked. She got a grin out of Camille, but it was still a tad gloomy; like she could see right through her deflection.

"He messed you up, and you got away, but he's still affecting you… I know you're working hard on getting better, and you've made it so far, but try to remember that you own yourself, okay? He can't have you anymore. He doesn't control you… You're here with us now," Camille clasped her hand over Sage's on the cushion between them and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Live your life how you want to live it, and don't let him stop you from being with who you want."

Sage nodded slowly, processing her friend's words before pulling her into another hug; enjoying the way it seemed to make her feel peaceful and clear.

"Thanks for being here for me, Cam."

* * *

"It was a weird day." Sage spoke as she emerged from the bathroom, having brushed her teeth and changed into a pair of cotton shorts and a tank top. Kendall watched her as he leaned on his elbow.

"Welcome to life at the Palm Woods," he announced grandly, waving his arm around the room. She laughed and hopped onto the bed beside him. It didn't appear to bother her. Her posture was rigid at first, but it looked as if she wanted to move right past the discomfort rather than focus on it.

"This morning was weird too… You felt it, right?" Sage mirrored his position so that her face was close to his and her legs ran the length of his own. He bit the inside of his cheek when he could feel her body temperature mingling with his, creating an excessive heat between them that he was sure always existed, but he didn't fixate on it until this very moment; like he couldn't push it away from his thoughts no matter how hard he tried.

"That need to just- " he stopped when he didn't think he could say the words tactfully enough, still feeling like he needed to be careful around her with the topic of intimacy even though they had done it all before. "Yeah, I felt it," he murmured, reaching a hand out to her shoulder and rubbing it all the way down the long stretch of her arm until his fingers connected with her palm.

"I know you said that we needed to wait until I was ready… and I think I'm ready now," she whispered warily. Her body shifted closer to his until their knees touched and every breath she took made her chest collide with his. He knew exactly what she meant without going into details. They both felt it between them all day; electricity that always existed but died out while they recovered from the blows life dealt them.

"Are you sure?" he didn't argue like both of them anticipated. He was done fighting. He was going to let her make the decision for them. His hand slipped back up her arm until it rested on the side of her neck while he got closer, feeling the air moving between them as they breathed.

"No… but I wanna try," she was honest, and that was enough for Kendall.

His lips collided with her own in a bruising kiss that she returned with everything she had, mouths moving in a dance they knew well as his fingers tangled into her hair to keep her as close as possible. She tugged on his shirt, her hand slipping just beneath it so that she could feel the smooth skin of his side when she flattened her palm and pushed downward and onto his lower back. Kendall arched into her and got impossibly closer. He kept his hands on either side of her head, struggling not to grab at her when he knew she'd react negatively.

Her leg looped between his and coaxed him towards her, silently begging for more while their mouths stayed together; neither one willing to detach after not having something like this for way too long. They had made out since their reunion but never on the bed and never lying down. Kendall let himself go just a little bit more and slid on top of her. She stiffened for a moment but didn't stop him, only kissed him with more desperation; lips parting further to allow him to plunge his tongue forward and taste her own. He knew her well. This was her pleading for him to take control, falling completely submissive beneath him. She wanted things to go how they used to; making them normal up until the point where they both foresaw her needing to stop.

She gasped for air, quality oxygen suddenly fleeing the room, and Kendall backed his upper half away just long enough to get rid of his shirt. Then his strong arms were secured in place, bracketing her head once again as he looked down at her; craving the touches and connections he once thought he'd never have again.

"Okay?" he checked in with a whisper, refusing to touch her anymore until he was sure his lover was still with him.

"Y-Yes," Sage's answer was anxious but not forced; no hesitation with the word other than to catch her breath.

Kendall watched her with dark eyes, pupils blown wide with a lust he hadn't let himself feel in a long time, and his heart hammered out of both excitement and apprehension while he slowly lowered down again just enough to feel the fabric of her tank top and the exposed skin above the hem against his bare chest. He kissed her sluggishly this time to keep her distracted while the tips of his fingers glided downward to cautiously grasp the bottom of her shirt. She jumped when they brushed the mentally scarred skin of her abdomen, and he could almost feel the terror radiating off of her for just a second before she dug her nails into his shoulders and began to remember how to breathe carefully when he pulled his lips away from hers.

"Don't stop," she cracked her eyes open and offered him a weak smile, emerald orbs darting nervously down to where his fist had curled around her clothing with the thought to pull it upward.

He nodded, secretly thinking it may be too quick but pushing the idea away as soon as it came; wanting to avoid second-guessing Sage if possible. Kendall tugged her tank top along the length of her torso and sat up on his knees to let her rise so he could lift it over her head. She stayed in a sitting position while she watched him toss the fabric to a random spot on the floor, feeling exposed but not as much as she could have been. Her bra was a light lavender color, and the fact that she was wearing one to bed made Kendall crack a smile; knowing she had planned this. Granted, it meant that it wasn't coming off, but he hadn't even thought they'd get this far, so he wasn't going to complain in the slightest.

There were obvious signs of discomfort on her face. Her eyes were shut, but not clenched, and her lip was caught just lightly between her teeth. Things seemed as if they were going smoothly, but then he lowered her back down. She whimpered like she'd been hit when her exposed back pressed against the mattress.

"What's wrong, baby?" he remained calm when he knew she couldn't, and he didn't move an inch; hovering above her with one hand on her side and the other behind her neck.

"Too much," she mumbled not at him but more towards the bed, arching up off of it as if she was avoiding physical pain. "Floor?" she suggested breathlessly, clinging to him as tightly as possible.

Kendall didn't say anything in response, choosing to act instead. He slipped his arms beneath her body and tugged her into his embrace, and then he pulled them both off of the bed. Her legs wrapped around his waist as he stood and held her with one arm, a hand splayed along her lower back. He caressed the hot skin like he needed to feel it to believe that it was actually there while his other hand haphazardly threw the sheet from the bed onto the floor so that they didn't have to lie on just the carpet. Kendall rushed and began kicking the blanket into place when Sage relaxed minutely and buried her face into his neck and kissed gently on the spot where his pulse beat wildly underneath the skin.

He dropped to the floor, feeling his knees connect right before he released the grip he had on his girlfriend just enough to let her fall back onto the ground. Her legs remained locked around his waist, though, and that meant she could feel it when his hips bucked forward instinctively at the contact her inner thighs made with the erection in his sweatpants. He pulled back almost as soon as it happened; cursing himself for losing the control he had worked to gain over himself.

"Sorry," he hissed and froze when Sage gasped and her grip tightened on him, not knowing whether she wanted him to disappear or stay forever.

"Don't apologize… I liked it… but I can't-" she paused and shook her head, and he knew that it meant she was reaching her limit. She was becoming conflicted and stressed, and that never helped her stay calm.

"Okay… It's okay," he kissed her forehead and got off of her, settling down beside her so that his body wasn't imposing on hers anymore. "Better?"

She mumbled something that resembled agreement before she kissed him again, reengaging in what they had begun on the bed but keeping a little distance between them so that she didn't feel as suffocated and threatened. He smiled into the lip lock, proud of her perseverance, and deepened it again. When she let him slip his tongue into her mouth more quickly this time, he decided to try a different approach; one that would move them forward and test a few more limits.

"Tell me if you need to stop," he instructed her faintly, breathing against her lips as he placed his hand on her bare side. The skin was soft, and he felt it prickle beneath his fingers when her whole frame shook, but she didn't make a move to cease the gesture.

His hand slid down to her hip, and he massaged the skin there; half of his palm on her bare torso and the other half on the fabric of her shorts. She let him continue to kiss her even when he slipped lower, his hand now grazing closely to her inner thigh as she reclined on her back and he leaned up on his elbow at her side. Kendall held his breath in anticipation and let his hand inch closer to her center, stopping solidly when it was flat against her through the layers of clothing she wore. Sage tensed up, all of her muscles rigid, and she rocked against him a little. He wasn't sure if it meant he should do more or if she was fighting not to thrash around and squirm away.

When he broke away from her mouth, he panted harshly and examined her face in the dim lighting. Her eyes remained shut, and her hands had balled into fists; one in the blanket on the floor beneath them and the other in his hair.

"Keep your eyes open, Sage… Look at me… It's just me…" he assured her as much as he could and bravely took a chance, moving his palm in a slow but firm stroke against her heated core.

Her eyes snapped open when she gasped, the sound mixing with both fear and pleasure. A moan slipped past her lips, but there were also tears falling down her cheeks. He watched her clench her teeth, and his heart clenched at the same time. Kendall felt guilty for causing the tears but not stopping his ministrations. He couldn't, not until she told him to. They'd never get anywhere if they didn't try. Keeping up the small movements of his hand, he relaxed when he noticed that she was at least a bit aroused from their actions; feeling the warmth and slight dampness through the thin fabric of her clothes. He relished the sound of her voice when she sighed into his ear.

He felt like he could attempt something else and guided his hand upward onto her torso only to slip it back down, fingers slowly slinking beneath her shorts. Only the tips made it in before he was stopped.

"No!" Sage whined and pushed him. He immediately pulled away, putting a good few inches between them and studying her face. Her eyes were shut tightly again and heavy, uneven breaths passed her lips. He knew then that she wasn't with him. She was with Elliot; feeling him as he tried to invade her space and put his hands where they didn't belong.

"It's Kendall, honey… Look at me," he repeated his earlier words soothingly and lifted a hand up to caress the side of her face, no longer worried about pushing boundaries. Their personal "therapy" was over as far as he was concerned.

When Sage sensed his touch, which was nothing like Elliot's, she calmed down enough to open her eyes and focus on him.

"I think I need a break," she let out a short laugh and exhaled loudly as he wiped the tears off of her face and she came back to reality.

"You did really good," he informed her with a grin, battling his own need to cry and trying to forget how it felt to have her push him away.

"Are you…" she trailed off and pressed her lips together like she was disappointed in herself when she saw the obvious erection in his sweatpants that she helped cause.

"I'm fine. Don't worry… I'll calm down… Give me a minute…" he shifted uncomfortably but kept an air of nonchalance as he settled beside her.

It was quiet as she looked up at the ceiling and took steady breaths to ease her rattled nerves. He couldn't stop himself from focusing on her body. The soft glow of the bathroom nightlight casted over the curves of her abdomen and chest, shadows fluctuating with the rise and fall that came with each inhale and exhale. He could see so much more than he was used to with her bra covering only a part of her upper half, and the memories of touching and tasting that skin raced through his head.

"Yeah, I lied," he declared suddenly and made an attempt to stand, thinking he'd take care of his problem on his own in the bathroom, but then her hand was gripping his arm; allowing him to only make it into a seated position beside the bed before they were both sitting up and she was staring at him.

"Stay with me… Do it here…" she requested shakily, her eyes never leaving his.

"What? No," he laughed uneasily and began to move again, but her fingers were still tightly curled around his wrist so that he couldn't go anywhere.

"You said that you masturbated a lot when we were separated… Show me."

Her voice was trembling, but she was still using a tone he knew well. It was the one that told him she was dead serious and that he was epically screwed.

"I don't think so," he tried to argue even though he was pretty sure he wouldn't win.

"You're suddenly shy?" she smirked, earlier anxiety easing away now that she redirected some of the focus to just him; like they were literally restarting from the beginning and taking things one step at a time.

"No, but you're not suddenly cured either," his expression grew strict for just a second, but then it fell when she bit her lip ashamedly.

It was silent between them as they sat. His back was pressed against the side of the bed, and he spread his legs out around her body while she kneeled between them. Several moments passed before she took her second shot at convincing him.

"You're still hard," she commented suggestively.

Kendall's head fell back onto the mattress behind him with a low groan. Just her words made him throb even more when he remembered how they used to talk in bed. It was always satisfying and thrilling, but now he almost wished she'd shut up because he needed to calm down, not have her basically ask him to scare her again by doing something so intimate that it would most likely trigger her.

"I'm gonna stay that way if you don't give me some space," he swallowed and complained, knocking one of his legs against her thigh in a fruitless attempt to make her scoot away. She didn't budge at all, and he mentally berated himself when he realized that he really didn't want her to.

"I'm not going anywhere until you cum," she whispered and shook her head, looking completely serious but sounding alluring.

"Fuck," he growled out of pure frustration and lust.

Kendall's hand immediately found its way to his groin, his eyes glaring at Sage for winning and getting a grin from her in response. He rubbed himself through his pants, biting his tongue when it felt too good too fast; like he could actually put off the inevitable. His length was hot beneath his palm, an act he hadn't let himself enjoy since Sage came back to him hurt and broken. His mind hadn't been anywhere near sexual encounters with her until their anniversary, and then the thoughts eased away as the days passed, but they came back this morning when she had boldly neared his seminude body, and she wasn't going to let him get away this time.

He tried to stop her when he felt her fingers near his knees, tugging on the fabric of his sweats. His legs tensed and jerked slightly as if he could ward her off, but she quickly spoke up.

"Don't… I just want to…" her voice trailed, and she simply showed him her intent by inching up his body so that her legs surrounded the lower part of his thighs, but she kept a large enough distance so that she didn't actually make contact with his erection, which was dangerously close to escaping the confines of his remaining clothes. "Keep going…" she leaned her upper half forward and placed her hands on his shoulders, looking down and causing the tips of her hair to brush along his chest.

He nodded slowly, internally preparing for her to have to stop again as he slipped his hand beneath the waistline of his pants and shimmied them down just enough to let himself spring free. Sage flinched but didn't do anything else while she watched Kendall wrap his fingers around the base of his length. He only stroked a few times before he felt his orgasm burning in his lower stomach, all physical and emotional stimulation piling up, but he held it off for her. She pressed her head into his when he groaned at the friction on his cock as he pumped himself, and his breath started to mingle with hers between them. His hips rocked uncontrollably in shallow movements, making her body sway above him.

Sage's hands latched onto the side of the bed behind him, and she studied the way the pre-cum pooled at the slit of his member only to be smeared away with his thumb. Kendall could have sworn that he saw her hips jerk every few seconds when he would buck his own to fuck into his fist.

"Touch yourself, baby," he commanded her huskily. He knew he couldn't do it for her, but there was no reason why she shouldn't be able to take control and enjoy herself.

Kendall slowed his work on himself so that he was barely moving, ignoring the discomfort below his waist and focusing solely on his lover as he waited.

Sage hesitated. She hadn't considered masturbation at all after Elliot. Sex was no longer entertaining for her. It was forced and then later it turned into an obligation and a way to manipulate her captor's attitude. She thought the mental scars he inflicted were permanent, but now she felt a little different. She wasn't with Elliot. She was safe with Kendall, and she was turned on.

Picking up the pace on his pulsing dick, Kendall watched her look at him for reassurance. He gave her a nod before she slid her palm slowly down her flat stomach and dived beneath her underwear and shorts to touch her slick center. Her body lurched towards his as she moaned and pressed her mouth into his collarbone, still keeping herself away from his member but somehow making it feel like she was fully encompassing him. He used the hand that wasn't around his cock to push her hair to one side so he could nip at her neck right above the scar beneath her necklace, effectively using his teeth to dig into the skin and surround the area with a more loving and desired mark. He knew Sage liked it because of the whine that she emitted, and he smirked when she jumped in his lap. He remembered that movement well, and knew she had touched her clit. Her arm moved fast as she picked up her rhythm and rubbed herself harder.

"Does it feel good?" he grinned when she nodded wordlessly into his peck, stopping to place a kiss over his heart. He lost his own weak composure when she licked at the salty skin; tongue darting from behind her lips for just a teasing second. She leaned away and smiled at him through hooded eyes, her face contorting in pleasure when she hit a spot she liked.

Kendall got off on that look. It wasn't the fearful one he had sadly become accustomed to. It was the pleasured one he could remember. He tried not to imagine her faking that same look for Elliot, but even when the thought came without his consent, he smiled; knowing that it was a ruse. He finally realized that, yes, Elliot had her, but he didn't really _**get**_ her; not fully or genuinely.

This, her writhing above him and grabbing at the back of his neck with lustful desperation, was just for Kendall.

"Just for me," he murmured in astonishment without meaning to speak aloud. He was sure she would think he was muttering nonsense through his climbing ecstasy, but she nodded rapidly and leaned forward; knowing exactly what he meant.

"Just for you," she whispered against his lips before they connected.

They kissed as their pleasure increased, Kendall stroking his dick in a hasty motion while Sage matched his rhythm with her fingers continually passing over her damp folds but never making an attempt to breach her entrance; unprepared for that next step. Kendall growled against her lips as they shared breaths and he flicked his wrist at the head of his member, hips stuttering as he came; white liquid spilling over his fist as he continued the fast movements with his hand. Sage was just on the edge herself, and hearing and seeing him pushed her over. Her body went rigid against his, and her thighs spread and clenched uncontrollably around his outstretched legs as she tingled in a way that didn't even come close to resembling anxiety or fear.

"Kendall," she moaned his name as she worked herself through the overwhelming feeling, picturing what it would be like to have his fingers on her instead.

He only responded with a low groan, his hand still slowly gliding over his cock and swiping the cum along his already-slippery skin.

"I wish you were inside of me," she added breathlessly with her hand still hidden beneath her clothes. He shuddered from both the aftershocks of his release and the imagery that her words brought on. He grabbed at her hip to steady himself while she kept swaying above him, static from her shorts teasing his sensitive, softening member with the threat of a touch he knew wouldn't actually happen.

"Me too," he confessed with a gentle kiss, humming in content when she weaved her arms behind his neck for a tight hug. "We'll get there," he assured her. She sighed into him and left the lower half of her body farther than the rest to keep a safe distance.

They both wanted it to just happen automatically and as instinctively as it did in their first sexual encounter nearly two years ago. However, it wasn't that simple anymore. It would take time like everything else, but they were well on their way to making their intimacy effortless once again.

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**A/N: Finally… some more smut XD How did you guys like it? Also, if you had any questions about Arielle's character before, I'm pretty sure they're starting to get more than answered here lol (plus we now have established Lomille… Let's see where that goes ;)**

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this chapter :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I appreciate any feedback and I love meeting fellow readers/fans of BTR. Don't be shy :) **


	42. Big Time Doubts

**A/N: So… I managed to keep this a secret from everyone (I think), but this chapter contains more SMUT… enjoy… lol XD**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**Suggestion: **_Surfergal23_**'s Kendall/OC story, Hooked. It's gloriously angsty, and finishing up this week :')  
**

**NEWER SUGGESTION: You should to give Something to Sleep to by **_so-complicated_** a look too! :) It's just starting but it will be FANTASTIC. The first few chapters are extremely captivating and well-written. Go read, and you'll be begging for more! ;)**

**On with PTS! :D Please, enjoy and review :) **

*******I do not own the song/lyrics in this chapter. It is "Fixed At Zero" by VersaEmerge (I think of the ACOUSTIC version here because heavier metal sounds aren't my thing lol. LINK IS ON MY PROFILE PAGE)**

**_-waterwicca_**

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_CHAPTER 42: BIG TIME DOUBTS_

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"You know, Cam…you don't have to glare at _**every**_ person we walk by," Sage attempted a smirk, knowing it came out weak as she circled her arm even tighter around her friend's so that Camille's shoulder was practically forced in front of her own; making the brunette's body sway as they strolled along the sidewalk of the strip mall. She stumbled a bit but didn't seem to mind.

"Yeah, I do. It tells them not to fuck with us," Camille regained her footing, happy that she was wearing wedged sandals like Sage was so that the girl was still the same height as her and not towering above her own frame and causing her to fall like she surely would have. However, Camille was more concerned with keeping strangers away from her friend when she knew that Sage was already uncomfortable with the idea of merely moving anywhere in their vicinity.

"Maybe, but it also says, 'Hey, this chick could be a psycho', and I really don't want security or the cops to make an appearance," Sage sent her a sideways warning glance before her eyes were back on the surrounding area.

It was the middle of the morning on a Thursday, so the parking lot and stores weren't all that crowded, but every person that she saw walk past them made it feel like there was a little less air for her to breathe under the bright L.A. sunshine. She couldn't worry about that, though. Sage's mind was on their destination. She and Camille were making their way to Planned Parenthood so she could get back on birth control. Elliot hadn't bothered with putting her on it and didn't even know that she had been using it in the first place until it was revealed that she wasn't a virgin. He always used condoms, but Kendall was different; special beyond compare. She knew the intimacy of skin on skin was important to both her and Kendall, and she wanted that back; wanted to be prepared for when they made it to that step.

So far, it had been over a week since their session of mutual masturbation, and they hadn't gotten much farther than that. She could tolerate Kendall touching her now, and they enjoyed their time together at night, but he had never tried to move beyond excessive foreplay. Sage needed to be the one to initiate the next phase because Kendall would never dive headfirst and take control over her unless she got him to see how ready she was. Having Camille bring her to Planned Parenthood was a good start, even if she did have to lie to the guys in order to get there. The two friends were out together under the ruse of a shopping trip, which wasn't a complete fabrication. They were at a strip mall. Their destination just wasn't anything all that recreational. They bypassed all of the clothing and shoe stores, knowing that they'd have to stop in one later to quickly buy something to show up with when they got home, but right now their only goal was to get to the clinic on the second story.

"If anybody with a badge even looks at you funny, I'm putting my foot in their ass," Camille informed her with complete ferocity and sincerity. It made Sage both shudder and giggle. "And let everyone else think whatever the hell they want, as long as they _**stay away**_," she added an angry edge to her words when two boys walked past them, heading in the opposite direction and into a pizza shop.

"God, Camille! They couldn't have been older than thirteen!" Sage scoffed and shook her head, but she couldn't get rid of her smile; feeling blissfully distracted and secure with Camille's arm looped around hers and her attitude keeping all strangers a safe enough distance away so that it didn't seem like her anxiety was going to choke her. "Even though your dramatics are hilarious, you should probably calm down," she grinned, but her eyes were still darting around the area and taking everything in. It wasn't her first time out. She had been with the guys on small trips to the store in the last few days to build up a tolerance, but everything still felt new and a little overwhelming.

"Are _**you**_ calm?" Camille wondered with a dash of accusation in her tone, already knowing the answer.

"Let's talk about you," Sage laughed awkwardly as she let Camille guide them onto the staircase that went to the second level of shops and businesses.

She looked over the side and watched the ground get farther and farther away as they rose up; making her feel almost too free. It was like things were overly open, and that was something she definitely wasn't used to after a year of isolation. However, that harsh fact made her commitment to progress deeper. Elliot was out of her life, and now she had to own it for herself and get accustomed to things on a day-to-day basis. It was all about putting herself in the types of situations that she knew would scare her, not avoiding them like she wished she could.

"You'll be fine, Sage. I'm gonna be with you the whole time, okay?" Camille never let her go once as she ushered her through the various people around them in a zigzag fashion, dodging couples and groups with extra enthusiasm; thinking that the larger the masses, the bigger the issue for Sage. "We'll get you through this, and then all you have to worry about is letting Kendall ravish you. It'll be worth it," the bubbly brunette winked before glaring at a police car that held two officers on a coffee break at the edge of the parking lot below.

Sage froze on the pathway when she saw what Camille was looking at. Elliot flashed in front of her eyes, like it was him laughing with Scott as he tossed trash onto the dashboard and sipped from a styrofoam cup, but then he was gone. The two officers in the car morphed back into a middle-aged woman and her partner, a younger man with light facial hair.

"You alright?" Camille's voice broke her trance, and that's when she realized that her nails were digging into the back of the actress' hand and she had bent her knees just slightly as if to brace herself for some sort of bruising contact. Her eyes had been clenched shut as well, burning when she opened them to see the sun high above and notice that the police car was already making it's exit out of the lot below. It took her a minute to comprehend the idea that she had lost a small chunk of time. "I'm calling Kendall," Camille shoved her free hand into the purse hanging at her hip to get her phone.

"No!" Sage snapped into action and plucked the device from her friend's fingers to clutch it against her chest, which was still rising and falling too rapidly as she breathed. "Everything's fine, Cam. I was just… I'm fine now… I promise," she gave the phone back with a smile. "You don't have to call Kendall. He doesn't need to worry for nothing, and he'll only talk me out of going in there," she pointed to the Planned Parenthood building, located just a few yards down the walkway; a teal colored sign with the logo of double P's neatly adorning the top of the entrance.

"You're a hundred percent sure? Because we can just go eat lunch, shop for things we don't really need but love anyway, pick up a box of condoms, and then go back to the Palm Woods," Camille reminded her casually, making it sound uncomplicated as she shook her purse so that her keys jingled for emphasis.

"I have to do this," Sage moved her head from side to side firmly. "And no condoms. Kendall doesn't like them," she resettled against Camille and slowly walked forward.

"He can deal," the brunette laughed as she swung her leg ahead of her, playfully avoiding the crack in the pavement beneath them.

"Let me rephrase: _**We**_ don't like condoms. Kendall's never said it, but that's just how it always was between us. We were the only people we'd ever been with, and the intimacy is really… nice without them…" Sage smiled faintly while thinking about all the times they used to sleep together, before everything got out of control and nothing was allowed to be easy anymore.

"So, Elliot was… safe with you?" Camille inquired carefully, vision scanning their surroundings to look for any threats as they got closer to the door; taking her role of caretaker very seriously.

"Yeah, he always used a condom no matter what… but I still want to get the basics checked out. That way, I'll never have to be worried about it, and I can start over now with a completely blank slate… Well, as blank as I can get it," Sage grinned and stared at the ground like it wasn't a big deal, most likely because it wasn't to her. She knew deep down that Elliot was clean, understanding that, in his own twisted way, he wanted to keep her healthy.

"You ready? You're allowed to change your mind anytime, and I'll take you home if you freak out," Camille nodded at Sage's previous statement; forgoing any other curious inquires as she placed her hand on the glass door of their destination. "And if you do have a meltdown, I'm gonna start running lines from an intense script I got. It'll cause enough of a distraction to take the attention off you," she smiled proudly and slipped through the doorway with Sage still securely attached to her side.

"You think of everything, Cam. Your boyfriend is having a good influence on you," Sage winced when Camille couldn't hold in her small squeal of delight when Logan was referenced. She was constantly thrilled by the idea of him officially being her boyfriend. She was flying high ever since. The waiting males and females in the room they stepped into all turned their heads towards Camille's sound, causing Sage's eyes to immediately drop to the floor; suddenly finding the carpeting beneath them very interesting.

"Sorry, still not over the whole boyfriend thing," Camille bit her glossed lip sheepishly and waved at the onlookers so that they would stop staring. Sage merely nodded and snuck a glance at her friend, trying to focus on her rather than the people. "Come on, let's go check in and get the paperwork we need," Camille guided her to the main desk, which was blocked off with a glass window. A young woman with dark red hair sat behind it and tapped at the keys of her computer.

"Can I help you?" she smiled warmly with her hands moving to hit the last few letters of the word she was on.

"My friend here wants to look into getting birth control," Camille tilted her head towards Sage, not even expecting her to speak for herself because of the way the blonde was still scanning the room for possible threats; nervous eyes never meeting the receptionist.

"Alright, sweetie, just start by filling out these forms. Give them back to me whenever you're finished, and then we'll have you seen when someone's available," the woman, with a small tag that read "Michelle" pinned over the pocket of her shirt, slid a clipboard and a pen through an opening in the window. Michelle stared at Sage, probably attempting to get a read on her before forgetting the quest and putting her attention back onto the teen beside her instead. Camille took the clipboard with a nod and smile of gratitude before leading Sage to the nearest chair.

Thankfully, they were seated close to the door and far away from the morning crowd. The room was filled with people; all different ages and circumstances sitting in each chair. The clustering of it made Sage a bit nauseous and anxious, palms sweating as she rubbed them against her jeans. She bit her tongue and tried to drown out the sounds and stares, which weren't necessarily on her but she couldn't shake the idea that they were. The television played a morning talk show, but the laughter from the audience was barely heard over the voices in the waiting room; the people conversing with one another or on their phones.

"Do you want to talk through this with me while you write it down? Logan said that might be best…" Camille suggested. She noticed how Sage didn't move to take the pen or clipboard from her; her hands now balling into fists in her lap and her posture stiff in her chair while she got used to the environment. It seemed like she was handling it relatively well, and her breathing was steady enough so that Camille didn't feel the need to drag her out of there.

"You discussed this with Logan?" Sage's eyes widened and she turned her body in the chair to face Camille more directly. She began to panic, thinking that he would tell Kendall before she got the chance to explain it herself.

"No!" Camille laughed and patted Sage's arm, "I just asked him for advice about how to help you if you're uncomfortable. I wanna do anything I can now that I know what happened with Elliot... You need support…"

"You're an angel, Camille," Sage grinned and grabbed her friend's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"I try," she uncharacteristically blushed, pink tinting her pale cheeks and contrasting starkly with the dark curls framing her face. "Okay, let's do this," she shook off the compliment, unnerved by receiving praise for something she thought people should naturally offer each other, and glanced at the paper in front of her; eyes scanning the questionnaire and already getting nervous about what she saw. Paperwork seemed basic, but the inquiries weren't going to be easy to address and share with people Sage didn't trust.

"Let me see," Sage mumbled weakly, only a slight confidence in her tone. It almost sounded like annoyance; like she was resigning herself to her fate and getting it over with.

The first questions were simple enough. She filled out things such as her address, social security number, and birthday. She put Camille down as her emergency contact, and checked the box that said she'd be paying her bill with cash; unwilling to let Kendall see the transaction in their bank account before she worked up the courage to tell him how ready she was to fully recomplete their relationship. When she got to the medical and social history portion of the forms, things got a bit more stressful.

She started by answering questions about any medical problems she had ever experienced. Luckily, she didn't suffer from any illnesses, but she had to fill out a section for all of her previous hospitalizations; making her recall every time she was admitted to Ramsey General after abuse from Elliot. The list of serious injuries wasn't long, thankfully, but she had a permanent frown on her face when she jotted a note about her past heroin use. There wasn't a big enough space for her to explain how her stepfather injected her with the drug to cover up the fact that he had thrown her down the stairs, not that she particularly wanted to divulge such information anyway.

"What's wrong?" Camille watched carefully from beside her. She followed Sage's every movement, eyeing each stroke of the black pen against the white paper like it would tell her whether or not her friend was coping.

"It's just hard… Lots of memories…" Sage murmured, glaring at the paper like it was the culprit responsible for her stress before smiling at Camille. "It's not as bad as I thought, though."

"Good," Camille sounded thrilled by the declaration, most likely having been worried about her friend's mental state as the minutes ticked by.

"'Number of sex partners in your life? Have you changed partners within the last six months?'" Sage read two of the questions in the sexual history category aloud. She sighed heavily, making every attempt to stay calm and breathe normally. "I can't believe that asshole is making me do this," she was talking about Elliot when she angrily jotted down a "2" and checked the "Yes" box with rough strokes of her pen. Camille watched the ink scratch into the paper with the force.

"At least you're not sad. Your feelings about him are getting clearer," she offered optimistically, lifting her arm up to drape it over Sage's shoulders and pull her into a sideways hug. She knew about the Stockholm syndrome, and Logan had told her that it was probably going to be the hardest part of Sage's recovery, so it was always relieving to see her express less guilt or love towards Elliot and more bitterness and loathing instead.

"Yeah, they are… The letter helped, I guess… It felt like closure, like a goodbye, you know?" Sage stopped writing, having just finished a probing section of inquiries about her menstrual cycle, and chewed at her bottom lip while staring at Camille; inwardly hoping she'd understand.

"It makes sense. If Elliot said that he was gone for good, then why shouldn't you move on? It's time for you to take back your life and to stop letting all of that shit hold you back," Camille grinned, supportively leaning even closer. "What's next?" her grip on Sage tightened when a teenage couple walked right in front of them, the male half being muscular and imposing enough to illicit a negative reaction, but Sage didn't appear to have much of a response at all. She jerked in her seat, but her body relaxed again almost as soon as it had moved, and she continued like nothing happened.

"Some stuff about contraceptive and pregnancy history, nothing bad," she quirked one of her shoulders before checking the appropriate boxes.

"Do you and Kendall want kids?" Camille asked while bouncing in her seat at the idea of getting to have the title of "Aunt Camille".

"Not soon, but someday," Sage laughed softly at her friend's excitement, but she couldn't deny that the idea of extending their family one day, in the not-so-near future, would be nice. However, for now, she just wanted to make it through the rest of the month.

Camille nodded, accepting the answer, and then watched Sage work through more of the form in silence. She noticed that the girl's nerves had almost disappeared completely when compared to what they had been like on their way in.

Sage was learning to adapt quickly, almost normally. She had come so far since escaping Elliot, and she owed it all to the guys and Camille; her new family. Everything was working out surprisingly well for her in Los Angeles. If the world had dealt them a different hand, and the boys were still in Minnesota, she knew that she'd be there too. However, she couldn't help but to believe that things would not have turned out as good as they were now. Sage's recovery, and the entire group's growth as a whole, relied on the fact that they were all together constantly and only had each other to turn to for support as they entered adulthood and created their own lives; using the past to mold and construct the future. They all needed each other. If Logan, Carlos, and James didn't exist, she and Kendall would have self-destructed in just a matter of weeks. Sage smiled, thinking that life had somehow cosmically rewarded her and her boyfriend with three brothers that were always by their side.

"You only have a few lines left," Camille informed her encouragingly as she pointed to the clipboard. She wasn't sure if it was really a good thing or a bad thing, though. Completed paperwork meant Sage would have to see the doctor soon. Granted, she wouldn't be getting an invasive checkup, having plans to utilize the option to decline a pelvic exam simply because of her mental state, but Camille still worried about how Sage would take the doctor probing at her in general.

"I can feel you shaking, Cam. That's usually my job… " Sage teasingly nudged her shoulder with her own. "Relax. I'm good… A little anxious, but it's not anything I can't work through with you here," she slid her arm under Camille's so that they were linked together again before she brought the pen back down to the paper. "Alright, one of the last questions: 'Are you being physically, mentally, or sexually abused by a member of your household or a relative?'"

Both girls fell silent. The room still bustled around them, television blaring as the talk show welcomed on a musical guest, but they remained frozen. Sage was thinking, and Camille was watching her do it with an apprehensive stare; brown eyes wide and waiting for something to happen. It shocked her when Sage cracked a smile.

"It feels good to say 'no'…" she spoke, taking great pride in being able to check "no" when only several months ago she would have had to say "yes" to all three categories. Sage leaned into Camille's sudden, supportive hug; both of them blinking back tears that, for once, weren't so sad.

She felt free; a calmness washing over her when she realized that it had been almost a decade since she possessed the type of control she had now. Elliot had dominated everything from the day he met Julia, and that put Sage on a path of turmoil that she could never divert from until now; until he was gone. For her, the past was over, and it was time to look forward to the future she once thought she couldn't have.

It was time to move on.

* * *

"Stop trying. It's not gonna work," Kendall chuckled when Sage frowned, wiggling in his lap more than he wished she would. His heart and body loved it, but his head wouldn't shut up and stop telling him to reject the advances. Sage wrapped her arm behind his neck while he kept an arm of his own securely around her waist as she sat on his legs at the dining table.

She had been helping him with his math homework, just like she used to in Ramsey when he found a problem extremely annoying or tricky, but she was taking extra time now; leaning into him and brushing her fingertips against the nape of his neck just how he liked it. Sage was undeniably flirting with him, and he tended to do it right back, but what bothered him was that he knew where she intended for all of this to lead. She didn't just want heavy foreplay anymore. She wanted actual intercourse, and he was avoiding it like the plague.

"But this always used to work," Sage pouted dramatically as she started to think of a new plan and buried her face into his neck. The grip Kendall had on his pencil tightened, and he even amazed himself when the object didn't snap, but he still made no movements other than to try to complete the equation he was working on.

Sage huffed into his skin. She was running out of ideas. It had been two weeks since her secret outing with Camille, which she never told Kendall about; thinking that she wouldn't have to until she got him to actually agree to have sex with her. Knowing that the birth control shot had now fully gone into effect, she'd been trying for days to get him to want her, and he responded to all of her advances, but he never let it go beyond where they had already gotten in the bedroom. He always rejected her desire to attempt more with words of both regret and reassurance; simply saying that it wasn't the right time.

"What are we talking about?" James strolled out of the bathroom connected to the kitchen after routinely checking his hair, curiosity getting the best of him as he heard the couple speaking in their own freaky way; the two of them having been silent but now talking as if they had already started a conversation. He moved behind Carlos, who had his face buried in the fridge long enough to decide which can of soda he wanted.

"Sex."

Kendall groaned and hung his head backwards to stare up at the high ceiling when his girlfriend spoke so clearly and confidently. He tightened his grip on Sage's waist. He didn't know if it was a silent chastisement for spilling their discussion to the guys or if he just wanted to get her closer to him. He shivered when he realized that he was leaning heavily towards the second option. Sage felt it, turning in his lap with a small smirk. He sensed her gaze on him, but he refused to meet it; thinking that, if he did, he'd end up dragging her off to their bedroom right at that very moment.

"I'm in," James clasped his hands together and then smoothly hurried over to sit down in the seat positioned diagonally across from the couple with his back to Logan, who was snorting in disapproval at the boy's eagerness from his spot at the kitchen counter.

Like the excellent student he was, he had been working on his homework too. He sped right through the math assignment, so now he was engaging in extra research; sifting through a medical journal while having one of his iPod's ear buds in so that he could also listen to a few of BTR's demos. The multi-tasker often studied for work and school at the same time, declaring it both educational and fun. Even though he was on track to be one-fourth of a famous band, he still had his own dream of entering the medical field someday. He just didn't quite know what his choice profession would actually be, but he wasn't in any rush; learning to take things as they came and enjoying life while he had the opportunity to take chances.

"We should have guessed. You're all giddy like me!" Carlos told Sage with a bright smile. He had watched her attitude change lately; watched her become more alive and playful.

"Except you have no sex," James pointed out snidely. Carlos and Arielle had gone on a few more dates, but they didn't have anything serious yet. Carlos waved his friend off with a dismissive flick of his wrist and sat down at the other end of the table. He grabbed a bag of chocolate chip cookies that he had ironically stored for himself in the fruit bowl a couple days earlier after their most recent grocery shopping trip.

"We don't either…" Kendall interjected, informing his curious friends of his and Sage's abstinence, "… and it's staying that way for a while." He looked at Sage sternly, and she narrowed her eyes as she swung her leg so that it halfheartedly connected with his shin before she dropped a kiss to his temple.

"Ah, so Sage is the pushy one in bed. I like that," James wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, earning himself a punch on the arm from Sage.

"Does this family have no boundaries whatsoever?" Logan whined and pinched the bridge of his nose, yanking the ear bud of his iPod away from his head and giving up on his reading too.

"We do," Carlos argued lightly, appearing to ponder his words for a moment, "I just can't think of any right now." He donned a false countenance of triumph, as if he had won the confrontation when he didn't really do much at all.

"Speaking of boundaries…" James smirked and spoke to Logan without even looking over his shoulder at the boy behind him, "… You get in your girlfriend's pants yet, Loges?"

There was only a second of silence.

"Ow! _**Ow!**_" James yelped twice. Sage had grabbed the pencil from Kendall's hand and threw it at James' arm, and the other source of pain was from Logan's pen flying at the back of his neck. James chuckled, knowing it was deserved, as he rubbed at the two spots simultaneously, bending his limbs at an awkward angle while sitting straight up in his chair.

"You can't talk about Cam's sex life. She's not even here... Seriously, James, it's simple etiquette," Sage gave him a fake look of disdain, the expression weakening when she smiled slightly.

"So, I can talk about it when she _**is**_ here?" James countered cheekily. Logan had been nodding in agreement when Sage first spoke, but now he was shaking his head vigorously; telling Sage to say no even though he knew the correct answer.

"That's all I'm asking," Sage reluctantly agreed, sending a sympathetic smile Logan's way. She had to stand up for Camille, but she knew that, if James spoke about sex around Camille, the virgin would still know how to fiercely hold her own against his wit; possibly better than any of them could. It was just the type of relationship that the actress had with James. The two of them were open and dramatic people. They easily got along with very little awkwardness and hardly any visible emotional walls.

"Thanks, Sage," Logan groaned and let his head drop onto the countertop.

"Sorry, Logie. Camille may be a virgin, but she's not shy… and you know that we can't stop James altogether. At least I gave him limits," she pointed out optimistically, waving her arm in James' direction.

"Limits are good," Logan admitted in a monotone way, mumbling into the counter before turning his cheek against his textbook and letting himself grin at her.

"Limits suck," James declared with a scrunched face of disgust. He leaned back and crossed his legs on top of the table.

"I think they're awesome," Kendall commented abruptly, referring to the limits he had set with Sage so far; not allowing them to go all the way yet. He was too scared to push it and wreck everything. He picked up an extra pencil, doing his best not to look at Sage even though she was sitting on him, and started to go back to the equation he couldn't seem to finish. Part of him thought that they had better things they could be doing other than homework, but he had to keep up with school if he wanted to graduate in a few months, and he was beginning to think that it came in handy when he needed help with avoidance.

"Kendall, please? I swear I'm ready to try," Sage softened and placed her hand on top of his so he'd stop writing.

"If Sage says she's ready, then maybe you should just go for it," Carlos shrugged, giving his thoughts on the subject as he dug into the bag of cookies and popped one into his mouth; rustling the package obnoxiously.

"Carlos is right," Logan informed them. Carlos looked proud, making the smart boy grin, but Kendall didn't look amused. He shut his eyes and pressed his forehead against Sage's shoulder as she ran a hand through his hair and smiled gently. "I don't see much sense in waiting if she's so adamant about it," Logan added thoughtfully. He had taken the lead in her therapy, but he tended to let her run it herself whether she noticed it or not. He never forced her into anything, and he was going to support this if it meant her taking a huge, progressive step on her own.

"And I'm definitely not budging on this. I'm prepared and everything. Camille took me to Planned Parenthood a few weeks ago, and-" Sage started her reveal, rushing through it and hoping that it sounded as nonchalant as she wanted it to, but she was interrupted.

"She did?" Kendall and Logan yelled at the same time. Logan spun so fast on his stool that he almost fell off of it, and Kendall pulled away to look up at his girlfriend while James and Carlos were laughing like it was all funny.

"Yeah, but it was only for me! Camille was just there for moral support, but… I can't promise that she won't go back for herself," Sage shrugged nervously, just being honest with Logan. He relaxed a little and propped his head up on his hand with his elbow on the counter as he sighed loudly.

"This afternoon is turning out to be one of our oddest," he looked as if he was giving in and done panicking over everything.

"And we still have to go to the studio. Things _**always**_ happen there," Carlos reminded him as he dug into the cookie bag for crumbs after finishing off the last piece. Logan nodded slowly and closed his books; slipping them into his backpack beside him and thinking that he wasn't going to get any more work done before they had to leave in a few minutes.

Kendall continued talking like he hadn't heard a word Logan and Carlos said, only focusing on his girlfriend's admission about her trip with Camille.

"That doesn't change anything, Sage. I still think it's a bad idea to jump into it right now," he sounded calm and certain, and her face fell.

She thought that he'd agree after he found out how much she wanted this. Her going to the clinic without him should have been more than enough to show him how positive she was about being ready for sex again. She stared at the floor beyond his lap while her mind raced for a solution as to why he was so resistant about being with her, and then she stiffened in his arms when she saw the imaginary dots start connecting.

"I find it weird that you don't want to get any, Knight," James chuckled teasingly. "No male chauvinistic offense meant to Sage, but she's hot," he smirked at his own words. Logan rolled his eyes, and Carlos snickered. Even Kendall grinned. They all waited for her to say something sassy back. That was usually how she and James worked, but she was completely silent; like she hadn't been listening or was upset. James sat up in his chair, taking his legs off of the table and leaning towards her with earnest; worried that he had unknowingly crossed a line. "Sage? I didn't-" he started, but then she cut him off; speaking not to James, but to Kendall, when she finally found the right phrasing to voice her thoughts.

"Do you not want me anymore because of what Elliot did?"

The tension went from fun to serious in a split second.

She was suddenly terrified like never before. It was a different type of fear than what she was used to; feeling like everything could be over and that nothing was worth the effort anymore. If Kendall couldn't get over her past, then what could they do? She had been trying so hard to alter herself and heal, but she couldn't just simply put a bandage on what she did with Elliot and then forget about it. It was irreversible. She couldn't change it. She couldn't take it back.

"That's our cue to leave… Come on," Logan spoke before Kendall could and slipped out of his stool, gesturing for James and Carlos to follow. "We'll be in the lobby when you're ready to head to the studio," he had a strong and calm tone, but he was concerned; eyes darting back and forth to each of his closely intertwined friends.

Carlos listened to the order without hesitation. He stood up and sadly walked over to kiss the top of Sage's head and pat Kendall on the back before moving towards the door. James remained seated, staring at Kendall and Sage with a look of anxiety and horror.

"James… Let's go," Logan addressed him like he was a traumatized five-year-old; sounding delicate and simple as he gently grabbed onto the boy's wrist and tugged him until he stood. He knew James was afraid that the couple would break up. He wasn't having a good time or feeling playful like he was just moments earlier. He didn't want to watch their love crash and burn after all of their hard work. Logan continued pulling him, and James reluctantly followed. He wanted to stay and hear Kendall's answer, needing to know if it was over, but Logan took him and Carlos away and shut the door behind them.

"Kendall, I'm c-clean… I got myself checked, okay?" Sage started to hyperventilate in the silence, fighting not to cry. Her fingers tightened at the back of his neck while her body moved to curl in on itself. "I didn't th-think that I could go through with a full exam, so it was only some blood work, but I'll go back if you want me to do-"

"Hey! Stop it," Kendall shook himself out of his daze, having gotten lost in what he was supposed to say while not wanting to reveal too much of the thoughts that really kept going through his head. What confused him the most was that it didn't have anything to do with Elliot at all. It was just about him.

He grabbed both sides of Sage's face firmly, making her look at him. Her muscles released some of their tension when she saw his expression. It didn't show any sort of disgust or much negativity. There was a confliction there, but she couldn't decipher it.

"My only problem is that I want you _**too**_ much, not that I don't want you at all… I always want you," he smiled warmly, a slight forlornness blemishing it, and caressed the side of her face. His thumb swept beneath her eye, where dark circles were no longer present but used to seem permanent when she would avoid asleep. Now Sage was glowing. She was healthy.

"There's more to it," she stated it like it was a fact. She believed his reassurance with no hesitation whatsoever, accepting that he truly had no problem with her and Elliot's previous intimacy, but then she went back to being confused. If Elliot wasn't the issue, then she didn't have a clue as to what was. "Why won't you make love to me?" she stared right at him, literally watching him think of his answer before saying it; a clear sign that he was either lying or unsure of the truth himself.

"Because you aren't ready…" he licked his lips and tore his gaze away from hers, unable to keep the connection because of the strain it put on his heart.

"Stop saying that! Maybe it was true on our anniversary, but it's not now. I'm ready to try, Kendall," she repeated herself like a broken record, praying that he'd finally get the message if she didn't give up.

"It doesn't feel like the right time," he murmured weakly, the tips of his fingers betraying his words as they made their way underneath the fabric of her shirt to paw at the bare skin of her hip.

"For me or for you?" Sage almost looked like she was figuring it out, a strong sense of understanding in her voice and on her features, but Kendall shook his head and moved to stand; keeping his hands on her hips as he lifted her up with him.

"I don't really know, baby," he admitted in a whisper as he flipped his math book shut, not flinching or hesitating when she took his free hand into her own and squeezed it enough to make him really feel it.

"We should get going," she looked at the clock with a sigh. She didn't want to push Kendall anymore for the day. He obviously had his own issues that he wasn't comfortable sharing yet. "Gustavo is gonna kill you guys if you're late, and something tells me that you don't need the extra stress," she studied him as she spoke and he turned back to her. Sage's fingers rose up to brush his bangs away from his forehead, not caring that they always fell right back into place anyway. Her fingertips trailed down his left check, stroking his bottom lip before she leaned upward for a chaste kiss. "I love you, you know?" She breathed against his mouth, lips still lingering on his as a reassurance for something that she still couldn't decipher, but she knew he needed the support. He relaxed, and his head moved up and down slowly with a smile of adoration; his jade eyes sparkling when she returned the gesture.

"I know."

He just wished that her reassurance was enough to cast off the demons that ate away at him lately; constantly pushing terrifying scenarios into his subconscious and stopping him from being the brave person he usually was.

* * *

_**This doesn't make much sense  
Think far out but I'm still locked in  
I'm still lost, walking circles  
The floor swallowed me up whole  
There's nowhere to go**_

Sage's voice was soft as it filtered through the doorway of the band room she sang in and into the hallway of the studio. She strummed the guitar like Kendall had taught her while he and the guys attempted to covertly listen during the short water break Gustavo had given them. Kendall was pressed against the doorframe uncomfortably, with James elbowing his way in; head pressed against the edge to hear better even though the sound was clear to begin with. Carlos and Logan flanked their sides, both leaning in dramatically to listen as well. They had heard Sage sing with Kendall before, but nothing like this. It was usually songs of their own or ones that they liked to play for fun. This was different because she thought she was alone, so she didn't hold anything back. The lyrics were hers, a reflection of her time with Elliot that she didn't share unless prompted.

_**There's a vulture on my shoulder  
And he's telling me to give in  
Always hissing right in my ear  
Like it's coming from my own head  
It's got me mixed up, trying not to give up  
Tell me there's a way to get out of here  
Oh, fixed at zero**_

Gustavo walked behind the boys with Kelly, not making much of an entrance so that he could sneak up on them. At first he thought that they were slacking off or scheming, which he always feared from them unless he wasn't on the receiving end, but then he stopped; realizing that they were just listening. From his spot behind the foursome, he could see over their hunched bodies and into the room that most of the instruments were kept in. Sage sat near the far wall with her back to them and a guitar propped on her legs; plucking at the strings to make a slow rhythm that accompanied her voice.

The music producer listened carefully, not recognizing the song as anything he's ever heard and assuming it must be original. He may have taken to ignoring her, but he knew she had some experience. If she didn't, then she wouldn't have been able to put work into the song that he had tossed away nearly a month ago. This song was a bit different, though. This one was all her, not something she had helped formulate with the assistance of it being halfway penned out. It was honest and raw, and Gustavo almost felt himself smile. Kelly saw the twitch in his face and looked up to analyze him, trying to figure out what he was thinking. _**  
**_

_**I've learned to talk with my fingers  
The only voice that wakes my ears  
Oh make my bones do something  
Ever wanna jump out your skin  
Anticipating 'til the sidewalk ends  
There's nowhere to go  
**_

_**There's a vulture on my shoulder  
And he's telling me to give in  
Always hissing right in my-**_

"Band meeting!" Gustavo suddenly shouted, causing the music to stop abruptly; the strings on the guitar twanging annoyingly when Sage jumped at the outburst. The members of Big Time Rush yelped, not expecting their boss to be standing right behind them, but they recovered quickly and didn't hesitate to follow him as he stalked off towards the conference room down at the other end of the hallway.

Sage spun in her stool and watched them all, raising an eyebrow when the boys waved at her with confused expressions. She took an extra moment to smile at Kendall before shrugging off Gustavo's shouting as an everyday occurrence and repositioning the guitar back onto her lap so she could start to play again.

"That means you too, Blondie!" the producer's booming voice made her turn around to look at the doorway again. She had gotten used to the nickname, but it surprised her when he addressed her directly. Well, as directly as he could with his back to her.

She didn't hesitate to carefully place the guitar against her stool after hopping off of it. She rushed after the group walking down the hall, making it into the conference room as Kendall sat next to Carlos, the blonde wheeling an extra chair to his other side so that his girlfriend could reside there, and James sat with Logan on the opposite side of the long table. Gustavo was seated rightfully at the head of it with Kelly standing dutifully behind him, her expression just as puzzled as the rest of theirs.

"What's the problem, Gustavo?" Carlos was the first to speak, eyes shifting over to Sage and then back onto the man.

"There's no problem. I just have an announcement to make," Gustavo grinned and folded his hands on the shiny, black tabletop in front of him.

"What are you doing?" Kelly leaned down and hissed, smiling sweetly at Sage before glaring at her boss.

"Shush," Gustavo brushed her off, waving his fingers in her face until she backed up with a huff. "It's time for Blondie to be useful around here," he declared, scanning his eyes over the entire group before landing them on the girl to his left.

"Whatever you're thinking, don't," Kendall narrowed his gaze harshly onto the producer, who shook his head.

"I don't care what your opinion is, dog. This is about her, not you," Gustavo pointed to Sage. She sunk down in the expensive leather chair and let Kendall hold her hand. James, Logan, and Carlos all looked like they were going to be sick, thinking that something bad was about to happen. "Starting today, you're officially my new assistant-producer-songwriter-dog-trainer-wrangler thing… I'm still working on the title… Kelly, think of a title," he spoke to Sage but then turned to his assistant and watched her jot down a note on her clipboard with astonished features that eventually morphed into a smile when she realized what he was doing.

"That doesn't sound bad," Carlos looked around the room like it was booby-trapped; like he didn't think something good could come out of a meeting with Gustavo.

"Does this mean that Sage is Kendall's boss now?" James smirked and slashed an invisible whip in Kendall's direction from across the table. He winced when Logan elbowed him on his friend's behalf when he realized that he wasn't within Kendall's striking distance.

"It's not supposed to be a bad thing!" Gustavo shouted in aggravation, not liking it when the boys started rambling. He settled down and put on a mask of indifference that didn't exactly match his speech. "Blondie is good, and I've come to the realization recently that you dogs need all the help you can get… Plus, my music style isn't very current… I believe it was Kendall who pointed out that I hadn't had a hit in ten years when we first met," Gustavo's eyebrows rose accusingly at the boy, who smiled sheepishly in embarrassment before the producer became serious again. "Sage is fresh talent, a fresh pair of ears… We could use that, and the album will be great because of it," he actually used her given name when he spoke. He sounded sure of his decision, maybe even more confident than he used to be.

Gustavo's comeback as a hit producer was important to him, and he had to make all of the right steps, even if that meant acknowledging the fact that he required assistance with moving into the next millennium. He needed a young mind with new thoughts, the talent to back them up, and the capability to learn even more as time went on. Sage was someone that he could both mold and get help from.

"But I don't… I've never… I didn't even finish high school, Gustavo," Sage informed him shakily, thinking that she couldn't have an important job like the one he was offering. She wasn't important. She was no one.

"I don't care about your life story," Gustavo argued dramatically. The boys remained quiet, silently thanking the heavens that he didn't want to probe more into her past; thinking that he wouldn't like what he found. He'd probably see it as a public-relations nightmare. "I just care about whether or not you know music, which you obviously do. You wrote that song you were just singing, and you helped me with the one that the dogs ran through today…"

"_**What**_?" everyone was shocked except for Kelly, who should have seen something like this coming ever since she knew Gustavo had given BTR the song Sage fixed for him on her first day there.

"Yeah, she wrote 'Halfway There'… Well, she wrote a lot of it anyway," he explained like it was nothing of importance.

"She did?" Kendall knew that she had given his producer something, but they never discussed it much beyond that. Sage shrugged in amazement, thinking that she should have recognized the music earlier when they were rehearsing the song. The words and basic tune sounded familiar, but they were difficult to hear through the barriers of the studio walls when she had been sitting with the instruments.

"Yup, and that's what the credit on the album will say: 'Written by Gustavo Rocque and Sage Henderson'," he spread his hands like he was displaying something, but he still sounded as if he was becoming bored with the conversation.

"It will?" Sage looked at him, her body unmoving. She was sure that it was all a joke.

"I really hate it when you all ask questions," Gustavo rolled his eyes and pushed his chair back, sending a glare Kelly's way because of the knowing smile that she wouldn't wipe off of her face. It was like she knew exactly what he was doing. He was being nice, helpful, and actually sharing; almost admitting that he cared about and respected Sage even though he had been supposedly ignoring her existence. Gustavo grumbled a few curses under his breath. He just wanted to make the announcement and move on. He didn't want a gush of feelings or an intense discussion. "Meeting over! Get back to work!" he stood up and exited the conference room with flourish, heading for his office.

"Gustavo, wait!" Sage rose and started to go after him.

Kendall tugged her back, having a silent conversation about whether she was alright to do it alone. She nodded and swallowed thickly, showing apprehension but also full confidence. He smiled and released her, watching her move quickly into the hallway.

"I don't understand this. What are you expecting from me?" Sage watched Gustavo circle his desk by the time she made it to his office. She stood near the open door, disregarding the fact that a normal person might assert themselves and sit in the chair across from the producer. She wasn't normal, though, and neither was her feeling of anxiety about being alone in a room with the relatively innocent man that she knew wasn't a threat to her.

"Write me a song," he said it like she had the IQ of Carlos' helmet. She sighed in response.

"It's not that easy. What do you want me to write about?" she inched further into the room.

Sage wasn't going to decline his request, but she had always just written and composed in general, not for something specific or for someone to use. Even the notes she put on "Halfway There" were only her thoughts off of something Gustavo had already constructed. Granted, it was partly original on her behalf by the time she reworked the lyrics, but she at least had guidelines about what he was aiming for.

"What was that song about? The one you were singing before?" Gustavo stood behind his desk, hands braced on the top of it as he stared at her.

Her face went blank, panicking on the inside when she realized that he had heard more than she thought before he yelled about the band meeting.

"M-Me…" she answered reluctantly. As a songwriter, she was unsure about how much he'd be able to take from the words she sung. She didn't want him to know what happened to her before she first showed up at the studio with the guys. Gustavo might want to get rid of her then.

"Stick with that," he told her easily with a wave of his hand as he sat down in his chair. "It was good…"

"Thanks…" she was hesitant, uncomfortable with the compliment and attention when she was so accustomed to hiding in the background, especially since she thought that she had been doing that extremely well around Gustavo; always staying out of his way when he was near.

"Don't be grateful… I don't want gratitude. I just want results… You shouldn't throw away your gift," he mumbled as he opened his laptop and started to move things around on his desk like he was busy; like he didn't want to look at Sage or let her see how serious he was. However, she could sense it just in his words, which were abnormally kind but still untrue in her eyes.

"I don't- " she began to deny it, blushing with a shake of her head.

"You do," he interrupted her, his tone strict and final as he looked up at her and took off his tinted glasses. "I don't know where you got it from, but you have it…"

Sage opened her mouth like she wanted to say something, perhaps about Julia, but then she clamped her lips back together and stared at the floor; shoving her hands into the back pockets of her jeans while counting the specks of dirt on the carpet to distract her.

"Look, I'm not asking you to tell me your past, Blondie. I'm just asking you to use it, draw from it… It'll help you," Gustavo softened as he gave the advice, still using her nickname; except it was with more hidden care this time.

"Okay," she gave in with a deep breath, bringing her shoulders up towards her neck slowly before relaxing.

"Good," he replied shortly, happy that the moment was over and she was done arguing, "and if you have trouble getting started, try these…" He grabbed a stack of thick folders from the bottom drawer of his desk, slapping a pile of at least twenty onto the center of the desktop. Sage approached and picked up the one on the top. It was filled with multiple notes and pieces of sheet music clipped together, and the other folders seemed to contain the same. "They're all songs I began but had problems finishing. See what you can do..."

"I'll, uh, do m-my best…" Sage was still apprehensive when she gathered the stack into her arms and pressed it against her chest as she backed up to make her way to the door.

"Fantastic," Gustavo muttered with little enthusiasm. He put his glasses back on, and she could almost see him fight off a smile that was trying to creep onto his face as he looked down at his computer. "Go start making me money."

Resisting the sudden urge she had to roll her eyes, Sage shut the door behind her and held her assignment against her torso as she stood in the hallway. Her mind was officially blown. She had wanted to stay hidden, and she thought that she had succeeded, but it looked like fate took a turn and gave her a mentor who saw a potential that she herself couldn't even grasp yet.

* * *

"We're gonna have to figure out a way to get Mr. X fired or something. I'm not sure how many more of these dance rehearsals I can take. I thought hockey drills were tough, but this is some bullshit," Kendall complained, slumping down against the mirrored wall of the studio as he regained his ability to breathe normally. James laughed and sat next to him on the floor. It was quiet except for the sounds of each of their inhales and exhales. Sage was working on her "homework" somewhere, and Carlos had challenged Logan to a game of foosball in the rec room; saying that the loser had to do the winner's sweaty laundry after the long hour of dance practice.

"He's just doing his job, Kendall," James grinned when the boy beside him twisted abruptly to stare at him with shocked eyes.

"Where is this willingness to be nice coming from?" Kendall inquired playfully, sighing when the cool glass of the mirror soothed his back through the damp fabric of his t-shirt as long as he pushed hard enough against it.

"I don't know," James chuckled, knowing how uncharacteristic it was. "I'm in a good mood, I guess… Everything's coming together… I mean, eight months ago, we were in Minnesota…"

"I thought I might never see Sage again," Kendall commented tiredly, adding to the list that he knew James was compiling of how their lives had become so different. James nodded eagerly and continued.

"We've just been so busy with emotional shit lately. It's easy to forget where we are and what we're doing… but Sage is working with us now, and Gustavo says that the album is almost halfway done! _**We **_are gonna be stars. _**We**_ are gonna be famous," James smiled giddily, looking around the room and taking it in as if he could wake up in Sherwood at any second. "You know… I always wanted this, but, sometimes, when I couldn't sleep at night, I would think about it all and… and I'd become _**so**_ sure that it was _**just**_ a dream; that I couldn't really have it or that I would fail like my dad did," he pressed his lips together and looked away from Kendall.

"You're way better than Chris," Kendall grimaced at the thought of the has-been musician that unknowingly messed with James' head while he was moving through the impressionable stage of adolescence; with a lackadaisical approach to raising his son and not enough guidelines.

Kendall never openly expressed his dislike for the man's parenting, but James knew he stood near Logan on the subject and edged towards Carlos as well; falling in the middle with silence yet not oblivious to the problems. Chris loved his son with his whole heart, but that didn't mean he had made the right choices in the long run. It probably did more harm than good when Chris let James live with him most of the time rather than the appropriately strict Sandra.

"You're also a lot luckier than him," Kendall added with a grin. "You have me, Logie, and Carlitos…"

"And now we've got Sage too." James was eternally grateful for her. At first, he thought that he'd lose Sage, but they had made it through therapy and were stronger than ever, just like she promised. She was officially added on to the short list of people James let himself count on.

"Yeah… It feels good here, like it's where we belong," Kendall glanced around the large room, suddenly no longer caring that it smelled like sweat and tears. "I've loved music for a long time. It's what kept me occupied while I was growing up and moving around, but I didn't let myself have it when I got depressed… I missed it…"

James twisted his head against the glass behind him to give Kendall a smile of approval for his choice of words. According to Logan, the boy had definitely been clinically depressed when he first came back to Sherwood, but he never admitted or said it. He had come far.

"Making music, and being able to do it with the people that I love, is fuckin' awesome… even if my body hurts from all of the dancing," Kendall frowned and pulled his sticky shirt away from his abdomen before stretching his arms out until the joints cracked.

"The pain means it's working," James joked breathlessly. Kendall chuckled and tried to get up, but James reached forward and pulled him back down with a dull thud. "No way. You didn't think you'd get outta here without talking to me about this afternoon, did you?" he wondered teasingly, still secretly agonizing over what had gone on between Kendall and Sage before they left for the studio. When they had gotten to the lobby, everything looked fine, but it all happened so quickly; too quickly for completely positive results.

"Leave it alone, James," Kendall begged, no longer liking the mood of the room. He could deal with reminiscing, but talking about the future made him uncomfortable now since he knew what his and Sage's immediate future most likely held.

"Nope," James responded simply, keeping his grip tight on Kendall's wrist until he stopped struggling weakly. The blonde pulled his hand away with a groan and settled it unceremoniously onto his lap while he listened to his friend. "Are you guys okay? Did you two-"

"We didn't break up, if that's what you're worried about," Kendall laughed and James smiled sheepishly for even thinking it in the first place. "We're not ever going to break up," he added with confidence as he bent one of his legs towards his chest.

"I've heard that before," James chuckled shortly and darkly.

"Sage and I aren't Chris and Sandra," Kendall shook his head, knowing what his friend was referring to; what he always brought every relationship back to. He patted James' knee comfortingly. "I hate to say it, but your parents gave up when things got tough… Maybe they weren't meant to be…"

"But you and Sage are." James' response wasn't a question. It was a solid statement, one he pondered but didn't take back.

"We like to think so," Kendall smiled tiredly and nodded, his damp hair sticking to the mirror behind him.

"So what was the problem earlier? Why don't you want to have sex with her? I thought you said she was good," he quirked the corner of his mouth suggestively, and then coughed to catch his breath when the back of Kendall's hand connected with his chest.

"It being completely _**amazing**_ is not the issue. Her being scared out of her mind is," Kendall argued halfheartedly. The words sounded like a lie even in his head before he said them.

"Sage can handle it. She was all over you before… and, judging by some of the noises I've heard from your room at night, I don't think actual intercourse is too far off the agenda," James wagged a finger at his friend.

"First of all, you're a perv," Kendall gave him a little smirk.

"Or just a good listener," James offered, but Kendall kept talking like he hadn't heard him.

"Second of all, Sage might think that she'll be able to handle it, but she hasn't given herself enough time," he picked at a small whole near his knee on his sweatpants.

"What are you gonna do? Keep turning her down? She's not going to appreciate it, and I don't think you'd like it very much either," James let out an airy laugh, sobering when he watched Kendall's expression turn blank and then morph into one of fear.

"I can't do what she wants me to, Jamie… I can't watch her cry u-underneath m-me," he stuttered before groaning in frustration when he began to feel ill.

He raised his other leg up and folded his arms on top of his knees, resting his forehead on his wrist. Sage's reaction was what he was truly afraid of. He was terrified of what he couldn't control. Those were the types of images on his mind; tears running down her pale face as she squirmed and pushed against him in a way that said he was a monster. That view his foreseeing imagination gave him always killed any sexual frustration he possessed and filled the void with pure disgust and aggravation.

"It'll be okay, Kendall," James tried encouragement, not liking the uncharacteristic vulnerability on his brother's face.

"I don't know…"

"Come on, it's you two… You guys have dealt with so much worse. If it was all gonna go to hell, then it would have happened already," James kept his voice gentle, hoping to see the nerves leave Kendall.

"But you should have seen her when we first started messing around last month… How she shoved me away, and the look on her face… I could have puked if I wasn't so worried about her," Kendall laughed, but there wasn't a trace of humor in it.

"How far did you get?" James grinned, not quiet feeling the expression but using it because it was what felt normal to both Kendall and himself; responding with lighthearted jokes.

"Making out and groping… I couldn't even really touch her…" he trailed off, waving his hand until James understood what he was referring to. Kendall didn't look embarrassed at all. He couldn't be after that afternoon's conversation in front of their whole family. He just looked tired. "It's gotten better with practice, though. We can go pretty far, but mostly we just get off in front of each other…"

"Sounds hot," James smirked, and Kendall just nodded and shut his eyes as he leaned his head back against the mirror like he was expecting to hear James say that. The taller boy sobered up, glancing down at the hardwood floor beneath them and running his finger through one of the deep lines. "But she wants to try more?" he guessed correctly.

"Yeah, and trust me when I say that the idea is awesome in _**theory**_, but I just don't know if I can be the one to use tough love on her… I don't know if I can do that to her when she looks so scared… even if she tells me that it's okay…"

"She loves you to death, and you could never do anything to make her hate you. I learned that the dramatic way," James smiled and took a jab at himself for how he dealt with their therapy; something he had begun to move past. "If Sage could never lose her feelings towards me, someone who practically asks for it daily with my less-than-desirable attitude, then she will definitely never have a bad thought about you… She knows what she's doing, Kendall…" James spoke cautiously but confidently. He knew Kendall had well-deserved fears, but he also knew that they could be conquered. He had done it himself.

"And I believe that… I just- I don't want to rock the boat after we already capsized once, you know?" Kendall bit his lip and ran his hand through his messy hair.

"Yes, and Logan would be proud of you for the metaphor," James grinned and moved to smooth down his own hair on instinct after watching his friend do it. His brown locks were still relatively perfect, all of his expensive hair care products doing their job.

"And he'd be impressed that you know what a metaphor is," Kendall knocked his shoulder against James' before they both fell silent again. James was waiting for him to talk now; to open up. Kendall took a moment to breathe, and then finally voiced what was always on his mind lately. "When we first had sex, it was great. She said that, when she was with me, she was unbreakable… but that's not true anymore…"

"Fuck that," James interrupted him sternly, making Kendall dumbfounded.

"Wha-"

"_**You're**_ the one who's not unbreakable… She's made it through most of her shit. You're still not over yours," James informed him smartly, finally starting to realize what was happening with Kendall even before the boy saw it himself.

"What about _**your**_ shit?" Kendall countered defensively. James was possibly the most messed up of them all, and he embraced it fully, but he wasn't going to take the bait now.

"That's not gonna work. For once, this is about you, not me. Deal with it," James spun off of the wall so that he was facing Kendall fully with his legs curled towards his body.

Kendall glared and ground his teeth, but then they began working at his bottom lip as he stared at his feet and contemplated what James had said.

When he spoke to Sage earlier, he made it all about her; him being worried about her, her not being able to handle sex, the timing not being right for her. The truth was that it wasn't about Sage at all. It was about Kendall.

He had been putting all of his focus on healing his girlfriend, and he totally forgot that he was almost just as screwed up when it came to his issues of protecting her and his constant anxiety about failing; failing to lead, failing to win, failing to stay in control, and failing to be the person that he wants to be or at least thought he was. He wished that he could take back the security that he used to have in everything, including himself.

His entire world had literally blown up in the last year, splitting everything into fragments; tiny pieces of fragile glass that made up his life. The pile of shards had held his brothers, Katie, Karen, and Sage. Even Elliot had a good chunk of those painful slivers. Everything used to be whole, then it busted, and he found himself neurotically trying to superglue it back together as best as he could. However, he had to start realizing that life doesn't let you superglue things. Tack them into place, maybe, but nothing too permanent. Anything gained could be lost without taking the proper care and caution, all while still having to manage not succumbing to avoidance or the evasion of things that needed to be faced.

"I just want us to be normal; to be okay again…" Kendall's eyes were red when he finally opened them, not even remembering when he clamped them shut in the first place. He looked up at James, who had been waiting patiently in silence while his friend thought. He nodded slowly in understanding with his lips sealed in a smile of pity.

"Nothing is ever going to be normal, so stop fighting so fuckin' hard for it… Stop being afraid. It doesn't suit you," James brightened when he got an honest smile out of Kendall for the teasing. "Shake it up, Kendall. You have nothing to lose… Sage is here forever now, so be with her. Even if you're terrified…"

Kendall nodded immediately in agreement. Yes, he was frightened almost beyond belief, but he understood how crazy it was. It came from a place that Sage had already escaped; one full of illogical and irrational insanity. She had healed, and it was time for him to let himself follow her lead.

* * *

Kendall's newfound resolve began to weaken, and he was totally chickening out when the time arrived for him to stick to his recently acknowledged guns. He was determined to give Sage what she wanted and make love to her, but thinking about it and actually doing it were two entirely different things. He didn't want to watch her expression change from pure pleasure, which it showed now, to an agonizing fear.

"_**Ngh**_, Kendall," she moaned as his hand worked over her slick center.

They had successfully shed their clothing without any major incidents, only a couple of necessary stops when Sage's anxiety amped up, and they were even on the bed this time; all signs of her willingness and preparedness to venture back into intercourse. He tried to believe that things were going to be okay because of it, but there was still a nagging pull in the recesses of his mind that screamed for him to stop and retreat out of a fear of the consequences. Kendall ignored it for now.

"I'm gonna try something new," he whispered to Sage, breath tickling her ear as he shifted closer. His erection grazed the skin of her hip because of his position beside her. He hissed at the contact, but she didn't even flinch; just writhed when three of his fingers continued to rapidly push hard against her core.

His words were somewhat of a warning, one he subconsciously wished she'd take and use to get out of the entire situation, but she nodded her head and watched him slink down the length of her body and move to kneel between her legs. Her blonde tresses draped around her head and onto the pillow beneath her, the silver chain and pendant of her necklace falling back to tangle and shine within the perfect mess, and her chest heaved up and down with shaky breaths that weren't produced from terror. Sage looked so fucking beautiful, and the image calmed Kendall more than he thought it was capable of.

Bending forward and lying down between her thighs, he kept his eyes on her face as his fingers slipped away from her wet folds just enough for him to have room to tongue at her clit. Oral stimulation wasn't new for them in the strictest sense of the word, having done it many times in the past, but rather new in their most recent series of experiments and explorations; readjusting to what used to be effortless and intimate before Elliot tarnished all that was good for them.

Sage let out a whimper and snapped her eyes open and down to look at him as his mouth moved along her; tongue tracing every inch of skin he could reach while one of his fingers teased her entrance; waiting for the go-ahead. She bit her lip, and he knew she was really thinking about it. Penetration was the first step to getting back to completely being with one another, but it was also her biggest panic-inducing scenario. Regardless of the way her heart painfully thumped in her chest, she nodded again and forced her eyes to stay open. If she could see Kendall the whole time, she thought that she'd have less of a chance at mentally slipping into the darkest places of her mind where Elliot always resided and waited for her in the shadows.

Kendall sucked on her sensitive nub harshly as he pushed his finger into her opening, hoping it would serve as a distraction, and it seemed to work because Sage had started to gasp in a way that wasn't fully positive but then it broke off into a whine and a sigh when he hummed against her. His own arousal heightened at the sound and at the feel of her inner walls around him, making him remember what that used to be like around his cock. He worked his digit in and out slowly, adding a second once she started thrusting downward every time he was buried to the last knuckle, and his mouth moved skillfully against her as he continued.

Part of him thought that if he got her off while simultaneously giving her something progressive for them, she'd be satisfied enough to stop for the night. He was looking for any reason at all to back out of the commitment he had given her when they shut their bedroom door and he pressed his body against hers with his teeth instantly nipping at her neck. It always amazed him when he noticed how much Sage could really throw him off without even trying. She was the only thing in the world that could scare him into immobility and burst his can-do attitude into little pieces with no intention to do so. It was both an exhilarating and nauseating fact about their love; that it tested them both continuously whether they liked it or not.

It was a few moments before he found her hands buried in his hair, urging him on as she chased her orgasm. Despite any anxiety he was feeling, he powered forward and put everything he had into making her cum; smiling against her moist skin when the situation felt pleasantly familiar rather than horrifyingly new. He stroked her insides harder and faster, tongue lapping up everything she had to offer around his fingers before focusing solely on her clit again until she came with a pleasured cry and a drawn-out buck of her hips. He continued to suck on her roughly, drawing out her release as her lower half rose off of the bed; silently begging to be closer to him. He loved it, and he hated it; knowing that the closeness she wanted was him fully inside of her.

Kendall crawled back up the loose line of her body, peppering kisses on her hipbone, along the smooth planes of her stomach, and on the swell of her breasts before landing his lips back home; caressing hers with his own in a sloppy kiss. She moaned, and it made him smirk knowing that the sound came from her tasting herself on his tongue as it massaged hers. He ignored the negative thoughts in his head and let himself go for a second, making everything about her as he brought up the fingers slicked with her orgasm and tweaked one of her nipples. She gasped into his mouth and arched into him again. He groaned when his almost forgotten erection slid along the side of her abdomen; pre-cum trailing a small, shiny line across the pale skin.

He fell back down onto the bed beside her as she spoke with a smile, still trying to catch her breath after her first release.

"I'm gonna try something new," she settled her lips into a smirk when she repeated his earlier phrase, causing the worry to bubble in the pit of his stomach again. It mixed with arousal and anger at himself when he felt his dick throb at the words. He was so hard that it nearly hurt as his length aimed towards his abs while he stared at the ceiling.

He didn't even make a single movement to stop Sage as she copied his previous actions, this time being on the giving end rather than the receiving as she kneeled between his legs; gently prying them aside with soft hands until there was a comfortable amount of room for her. He knew that he was going to enjoy himself, whether he liked it or not, but he wanted to watch her do the inevitable so that he could at least force her to stop if she was too uneasy. Her face wasn't as calm as it was post-orgasm. Instead, there was a twinge of apprehension as she stared down at his member. She had bravely caressed him there before when she snuck her hand into his sweatpants to stroke him on occasion in the last several weeks, but it was never at this level of straightforwardness; with both of them waiting for her to move.

Sage's fingers shakily wrapped around the base of his length, and she kept proving him wrong again and again; totally trashing the idea that she wasn't ready to at least give sex a try. With her hand fisting his cock and working its way steadily up and down, he knew that they weren't too far from her goal. She only hesitated slightly, but it was more of a curiosity as she studied how her hand looked touching him in a way that she never touched Elliot. With her "ex", she did her best to make things basic and fast; always trying to satisfy him as quickly as possible so it could just be over. She almost forgot how good it felt to give delight to her lover when it was mutually desired.

Kendall propped himself up on his elbows to look down at her fully, analyzing the way her tongue traced her pink bottom lip before she bent forward and cautiously licked at his pre-cum slicked head.

"Fuck," he groaned instantly, becoming reacquainted with the sensation that he used to cherish on almost every night they got together in Ramsey.

His head fell back before he forced it up again, refusing to stop looking at her out of the fear that she'd do something she didn't really want to. Sage's mouth closed around the tip of his cock, and she suckled the skin teasingly; tongue tracing circles around him before experimentally bobbing her head. He moaned lowly, and she sped up; her mouth moving fast up and down his length and taking him deeper every time. This was something they both knew she never gave Elliot. He never asked for it. It was almost like he knew that her fragile mentality could shatter if he pushed her across that last intimate boundary. Now, as happiness spread through her with a warmth in her chest, Sage was glad that Elliot had a warped sense of safety when it came to her. She wasn't sure how she'd react if something this private wasn't just for the boy she loved. It would make her feel dirty in a way that she'd never be able to move beyond if absolutely nothing was sacred anymore.

"Sage… So good, baby… I almost forgot- _**Shit**_…" Kendall's words were nearly incoherent before he laughed breathlessly and choked off another moan when she took him as deeply as possible and swallowed, getting accustomed to the feeling of her gag reflex being tested and conquered just like it used to be.

He bit his tongue while hers swirled around him sloppily in just the right way to make him squirm, and he reached a hand out to tangle in her long hair as she rose up and down. The sight alone had his head clear of all worries and his body ready to release. He tugged lightly on her tresses and canted his hips upward, warily fucking her mouth in search of his orgasm, but she pulled off with an erotic pop and stared up at him.

"I want you inside of me," her voice was hoarse but crystal clear to his ears.

He'd be lying if he said that the fear he felt made him soften, because he was still fully erect and craving friction, but the apprehension was back full force when he remembered what the endgame was. He realized how badly he had been hoping to reach his peak and save their trials for another day, but that wasn't what Sage wanted. She deserved to have something good to replace her memories of Elliot, and she couldn't do it on her own. Kendall was the only one who could help her.

"It's alright, Kendall," she assured him with a smile as she flipped onto her back beside him and took his hand, gently pulling him on top of her.

"No, it's not," was the response on his lips, but, "Okay," was what he whispered instead.

He slipped a mask on; brave and loving and refusing to let her see how upset he was. He didn't want her to witness his internal panic about what could possibly happen next. He was so unsure about everything; about how she'd respond, how she'd look and feel with him being the one above her and entering her. Her face depicted how his insides felt; contorted and conflicted.

Kendall held his breath and positioned himself between her legs, his cock resting at her entrance while they both froze. Before he could ask her if she was sure one more time, Sage was already nodding; having read his mind. He prayed that everything would work out how it was supposed to and pressed forward, inching into her slowly and steadily. She hissed and bit back a sob when her body felt like it was on overload. She reached out for Kendall, locking her arms behind his neck and pulling him down as if she were trying to feel him and not Elliot.

Their chests merged with the pleasant burn of heated skin on skin, and Kendall started to get lost. He thrust forward when he didn't feel her stop him. She hadn't pushed, just tugged him closer; her nails sharply digging into his shoulders. She felt so good around him, tight and warm and familiar. It made him giddy. It was like he was back in Ramsey, in their room on the second floor of his house; before everything spiraled out of control and their lives were shaken to the core.

"Kendall…" her voice was strained and trembling, but it didn't seem to connect to his brain.

He slid back out and then in slowly, breathing against her neck when the constricting heat left and returned thrillingly.

"Kendall, hold on…"

His body just wouldn't let him register what she was saying, and he thrust in again.

"Kendall! Stop!" she pushed against him when she realized that he wasn't comprehending.

That undesired connection, that feeling of her hands feebly trying to shove him away from her, was enough for everything to sickeningly snap back into place. It was as if the lights were off and then they just suddenly flashed on brightly behind his eyes and blinded him; hurt him.

He all but flew off of her and the bed, his body hitting the wall beside them with a thud and sliding down until he connected with the floor. Sage was sitting up almost as soon as he was gone and looking at him with concern, thinking that the overreaction couldn't have meant anything good. Their intimate encounter had become a bit overwhelming for her, and she needed a break, but she wasn't even near the point of a meltdown. It looked like Kendall was a different story entirely. His eyes were wide and startled as he stared up at her like he couldn't believe what he was seeing.

"Kendall…" she said his name with more serenity this time, but it sounded wrong to him anyway; as if he could only hear her saying it in terror like before. While she was still frightened, the fear wasn't for herself. She was scared for her boyfriend.

"You said to stop, and I didn't! I should have stopped! It's supposed to be easy, but nothing is! I'm sorry! I'm sorry… I hurt you…" he was rambling and hyperventilating almost as hard as she used to, sucking in oxygen before he could properly release it first and balling his hands into his hair. His heart was beating so fast and burning hot with guilt. It felt like it was trying to escape, like it didn't deserve to be in his chest anymore.

"Ssshh," Sage crawled onto the floor in front of him and pulled his arms away from his face, gently detangling his fingers from his locks. "I'm fine, baby… Look at me. I'm not hurt. I'm okay…" she smiled and wiped at his tears while her own slid down her face.

"This is exactly what I was fuckin' afraid of, messing up when you need me the most… I'm supposed to always protect you… I didn't want to be like him…" he cried and his voice shook as he leaned into her hands, looking more lost and broken than he had ever let her see since she came back.

"You aren't, and you weren't. I just needed a minute… We both got carried away…" Sage soothed him, lightly kissing his cheeks and shoulders while he struggled to calm down.

"I shouldn't have- "

"No," Sage silenced him with a kiss to his lips. "I don't blame you, and I don't want you blaming yourself either…" she murmured against his mouth, climbing onto his lap as he uncurled his legs. She didn't care what skin touched where. All that mattered was that Kendall needed her, and she was going to be there for him just like he always was for her.

"I'm sorry," he said it again, clinging onto her like he required the contact in order to get his pattern of inhaling and exhaling back to normal.

"I know you are, but I'm not taking any apologies. We said a long time ago that there would be no regrets, no take backs," she smiled at him affectionately, and he relaxed slightly and gave her a short chuckle as his head pushed into the drywall behind him.

"I love you," he sighed, thinking it was the only thing that there was left to say; the only thing that felt right.

"I love you too… Forever, no matter what," she kissed him chastely again and hugged him fiercely, not letting her grip loosen at all until she felt his body stop shaking.

"I think we're done with our sexual encounter for tonight," Kendall joked, swallowing the lump in his throat. Sage laughed into his neck and pulled back with a nod.

"How about we stop _**trying**_ and just let whatever happens happen? It worked for us before," she grinned, thinking back to how they just sort of meshed together on their first night of passion in Kendall's bedroom.

They didn't force anything, didn't make plans for it. She started to see how all of the "therapy" was stressing Kendall out rather than relaxing him. If he was going to put so much pressure on himself, she was going to take some of it off in any way she could. If that meant ignoring her overeager desire to move on quickly, then that's exactly what she'd do. Admittedly, she had gotten carried away with trying to win back the control she lost when she gave in to Elliot months ago. She was just as desperate to fix herself as Kendall was to save her. They already basically survived the apocalypse, so they both needed to stop acting like the world could end at any second.

"Sounds like a plan, or a … non-plan," Kendall chuckled, still panting slightly but calming down as he rubbed his hands along her bare hips. "I think we need to get out of this room. I'm suffocating," he glared at the walls around them like they were abusing him.

"I know the feeling," she huffed out a breath with a smile, pleasantly surprised that the thought of her old prison didn't come with jumbled nerves this time; just a calm nothingness and factuality. "Let's get dressed and go out into the living room," she suggested and reluctantly removed herself from his arms.

It only took them a few rushed minutes to get ready and clothed before they hurried out into the more open space of the main area of 2J. It was pretty dark, but the guys were still awake and talking lowly while the television showed some random infomercial for a food-storage system that no one really needed. The three boys turned to look at the pair when they entered. Logan's smile was tight, James' was almost nonexistent, and Carlos' was characteristically bright and easygoing.

"You're up! Wanna watch a movie with us?" he asked cheerfully, waving the remote he held at the TV. Kendall didn't respond, still shaken and on edge from the guilt Sage assured him he didn't need to have. She grabbed her boyfriend's hand and squeezed it, her thumb rubbing at his knuckles. Both of them had a feeling that the others either knew what happened or at least understood that something was wrong and that they needed a distraction.

"Sure," she nodded and led Kendall towards the couch, but James cut her off with a small smile in her direction as he jumped up and redirected Kendall into the kitchen.

"We need popcorn," he slapped the blonde's back and guided him behind the counter with his hand firmly staying in place.

"You okay?" Logan asked Sage when she reluctantly stepped over Carlos' legs, which were up on the coffee table, and sat beside him. She knew that Logan was referring to more than just herself. He figured out the basics of what happened just by looks and deciphering alone.

"We're fine," she answered confidently for both herself and Kendall. Even though her boyfriend was in the kitchen, she could tell that he was listening. Logan nodded and stood up, satisfied with her answer and understanding that he wasn't going to get any more information beyond what she had offered. All he needed to hear was that things were as good as they were going to get. He'd leave the private details between Kendall and Sage unless they wanted to openly divulge more.

"Of course she's fine! We have licorice," Carlos giggled, working his charm and clearing the tension from the room as he patted his lap so that Sage swung her legs onto it. He placed the bag of candy on her shins and tossed her a piece of the red treat.

"What do you wanna watch? Is a horror movie alright?" Logan began sifting through the pile of DVDs below the television.

"As long as the bad guy's not a cop, I'm in," Sage joked, chewing on the licorice as she looked at Logan and tried not to let her eyes dart towards the kitchen where Kendall was. She felt like he needed her, and she always needed him in response to that.

James watched the popcorn bag inflate inside of the microwave after getting two bowls out of the cabinet. Kendall just stood dumbly nearby. He picked at the hem of his worn t-shirt and fidgeted on his feet, shifting his weight from one to the other.

"Did you… D-Did you guys hear?" he finally spoke softly, staring at James with so much vulnerability that it physically hurt the brunette to see it on his usually resilient friend. After their discussion at the studio earlier in the day, James had been hoping for the best when Kendall agreed to give up his resistance towards Sage, but he had been preparing for this outcome too; the one in which things weren't healed and perfect and his brother looked ill.

"Kendall…" he sighed and paused as the boy stiffened, "… just watch the movie, okay?" He grinned supportively and pulled him into a sideways hug, ruffling his blonde hair playfully. In that moment, James felt a bit like the leader and protector for once. Sometimes he forgot that he was actually a little older than Kendall. The younger boy was always taking care of him. It felt good to be on the opposite end every once in a while, and Kendall looked eternally grateful; smiling and relaxing against his hold before teasingly shoving him back as the microwave beeped.

They filled the bowls and hurried off to the couch just as Logan started the movie he picked. Kendall sat in the corner of the sofa with Sage's upper body on his lap. She smiled at him, kissing his stomach through his shirt; a silent reminder that she loved him and that everything would be alright. He grinned down at her and threaded his fingers into her hair while Carlos noisily munched on the popcorn James offered when he sat beside him, and Logan curled at Kendall's feet with a fleece blanket wrapped around his shoulders and the other bowl of popcorn resting in between him and his friend.

The television was the only light in the room, casting a heavy blue hue everywhere as the opening credits finished playing and the first scene of the film began. They all sat in a comfortable, relaxing silence and let the fake world on the screen take over their lives for a few blissful hours.

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**A/N: I particularly enjoyed Gustavo this chapter, and the mentor relationship he's building with Sage in his own Gustavo-like way….Oh, and the smut… Yeah.. the smut *insert extremely fake look of indifference here*… *followed by a smirk***

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this chapter :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I appreciate any feedback and I love meeting fellow readers/fans of BTR. Don't be shy :) Also, if you leave a signed review but don't have private messaging enabled, then I unfortunately can't respond to the review, but I APPRECIATE them all :)**


	43. Big Time High Life

**A/N: We got some angst in this chapter AND humor ;)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**MY LATEST SUGGESTION FOR ANGST/ROMANCE****: You should to give Something to Sleep to by **_so-complicated_** a look! :) It's just starting but it will be FANTASTIC. The first few chapters are extremely captivating and well-written. Go read, and you'll be begging for more! ;) It is a Kendall/OC, but there are surprises too ;D Just read and explore :D  
**

******Also, a special shout out to my fanfic "husband" Cody, who FICTIONALLY makes an appearance in this chapter (the depiction of him is completely fabricated and by no means reflects who he is as an individual… because he's awesome and not an asshole ;) … He is "**Left4Hunger**" on here, and you should really check out his story, "War Stories" if you love Harry Potter :D**

**On with PTS! :D Please, enjoy and review :) **

**_-waterwicca_**

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_CHAPTER 43: BIG TIME HIGH LIFE_

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"The bridge sucks," Gustavo looked over Sage's shoulder while she sat at the piano in his office.

She tried not to flinch at his voice, turning slightly so that she could actually see him when he spoke. It caused her natural anxiety to ebb away into a dull throb that just made her leg jump. If he was one of the guys, it wouldn't have been a big deal, but even Gustavo was slowly entering her "safe zone". However, the process was different with the producer because he had no idea about her traumatic experiences or the resulting behaviors. She never told him because he didn't ask, and he didn't ask because he figured it wasn't his business. All he needed to know was the music.

"What about the rest of it?" she questioned with a hopeful smile, twisting around further so she could witness his facial expressions rather than just hear his usually indifferent tone.

One of the major attributes of Gustavo was that his face told the truth behind all of his words. His flimsy masks of nonchalance or frustration were easy enough to see through so that one could visualize the care and approval that sometimes hid there. A twitch of his lips or the narrowing of his eyes could tell her whether he was honestly upset or if he was completely putting on a bold show for what she assumed was either fun or a display of the bravado he insisted he possessed.

She picked up his quirks as the weeks went on. She had been working with him for over a month now, and he hadn't even threatened to fire her once; whereas he often gave the boys of Big Time Rush the boot at least twice every few days. He wasn't necessarily patient with her, often remaining lofty and boisterous, but it appeared as though her input was important to him. He truly believed that fresh, raw talent was vital to the band's success. He wanted to make it all worth it in the end; all of the long hours training four boys from a small town in Minnesota and all of the money spent on living expenses and damages caused by said boys. He also wanted the stress of making headlines with a lucrative and rewarding comeback to not outweigh the finished product. If he was going to take a chance and do this, he was going to do it right.

"The bridge sucks," Gustavo repeated himself simply as he moved away from her and strolled over to his desk. He sat down, his chair gliding too far backwards and ruining his tough facade just before he grabbed the edge of the desk to right himself again. Sage stifled her chuckle, knowing that he wouldn't respond well to it. If anyone fought the producer with the same amount of obstinate behavior as he doled out, it would often lead to an argument rather than anything productive. Keeping your cool and thinking on your feet could get you a lot farther.

"So, mess with the bridge until you approve, talk with the band about laying down the instrumental version, discuss the arrangement and lyrics with the guys, and then you'll be happy?" Sage smirked when he glared at her, guessing that she interpreted exactly what he had been saying before with too few words just to be childish.

"Fine," Gustavo straightened up in his chair and needlessly shuffled a few items on his desktop to look busy, pushing around a stapler only Sage and Kelly really used and a pencil holder filled with over thirty pencils; all perfectly sharpened by Carlos as a punishment after he broke yet another vase in the lobby of the studio when he barreled through it that morning to get to the snack machine in the rec room. "But 'happy' is a strong term…" he glanced at her, rolling his eyes when he saw that she was still smiling from across the small room at the piano, "… and I hate when you elaborate on everything I say," he grumbled defiantly, pivoting towards his computer as if he was going to use it even though Kelly usually handled most technology for him after a few mishaps on his part. Sometimes Gustavo became ignorantly stuck in the 90's.

"Maybe you should be more specific and less harsh and demanding," Sage shrugged shortly, still keeping a faint smile on her lips while grabbing the sheet music off the top of the piano in front of her. She was already thinking of ways to mess around with it and rework a few pieces so that it would be better and more polished the next time she ran through it for the producer.

"You act way too much like your boyfriend sometimes. I'm not really in love with the smart mouth," Gustavo teased right back, his voice nearly monotone and uninterested, but then he rolled his eyes again as if to dismiss his loathing for the both of them altogether.

"Not true. You live for a good challenge," Sage argued while she leaned forward to snatch a fresh pencil off of his desk, settling back on the piano bench and jotting small notes in the margins of the papers she held. "You like to keep your personal stuff personal, but you're still pretty obvious sometimes," she said confidently, continuing to scribble on the sheet music.

"So, I'm an open book now?" Gustavo laughed mockingly; a loud and booming sound that filled the entire space as he leaned back in his expensive chair.

"No, but you're readable if I look close enough," she countered easily.

For some reason, Gustavo made her more comfortable than she originally guessed he would. Maybe it was because he had been straightforward about what he wanted from her. He wasn't menacing or conniving or overly secretive in a way that felt threatening. He didn't want to hurt her or just plain use her. She had a talent and he paid for her to let him utilize it. Gustavo gave her a purpose in life, allowing her to do something she had always had a passion for while also helping the people she loved.

"Well…" the man drew out the word like it was a chore, only making her smirk when she realized that he wasn't about to admit or fully deny what she had said. He was going to do his favorite thing when it came to emotions; avoid them like the plague. "Stop reading and start writing. If you're wasting my time, then you're wasting my money. Get out of my sight and go be useful," he waved his left hand dramatically. He didn't meet her eyes, but somehow he just knew that she was still smiling like Kelly would sometimes; giving him a facial expression that clearly showed that they knew and saw more than he wanted them to. He huffed out a heavy breath when she stood up, acting as if her presence was beginning to tire him.

"Yes, sir!" Sage saluted almost just as dramatically as he had waved her off. She wasn't sure why she did it, but she felt like she needed to push his buttons. It was probably because it was so easy to do.

"Uh, Gustavo?" Kelly opened the door to the office, and that was when he and Sage started to hear what the young assistant was most likely coming to the producer about.

"I will vanquish you, Mitchell!"

"Not on your life, Knight!"

"Carlos, if you touch my hair again I might literally kill you!"

"Kendall! Help me with James!"

"I'm busy fighting off Logan!"

"I'll take care of Logie! He's smaller!"

"Hey!"

The voices unmistakably belonged to Big Time Rush, and all of their speech was loud as it filtered through the now-open door. There were a few thuds, followed by shouts, and then more yelling and scuffling.

"What the hell is that?" Gustavo wheeled his chair backwards so he could stand up, groaning when he nearly rammed the furniture into the shelving unit behind him; awards and knickknacks wobbling from the impact.

Sage bit the inside of her cheek and had a pained countenance on her face. She shared a look with Kelly, who held the door open with her clipboard tight against her chest as Gustavo rushed by, and she knew that the boys were roughhousing again and undoubtedly about to get a verbal lashing from their boss. She followed him and Kelly into the larger area of the studio after tossing the sheet music into a folder and tucking it beneath her arm. The scene she was met with made it really difficult not to laugh. The white furniture, which consisted of a sofa, two chairs, and a coffee table, was all turned over and splayed across the room. Kendall and Logan were grabbing and pushing simultaneously, the shorter boy's elbows digging into the blonde's ribs as they tousled between the chairs, and James had Carlos in a headlock; both of them uncomfortably spread across the back, which was now the top, of the couch so that their limbs hung off of the sides.

The best part was that they were all donned in what appeared to be armor made of foil as they wrestled in their manmade battlefield. They had weapons too; the crude formations that Sage assumed were swords matching their sloppy shields, hats, and breastplates.

"What are you dogs doing now?" Gustavo shouted, making it sound close to a whine when he crossed his arms and rubbed at one of his temples. Kelly disappeared into his office and reappeared just as fast to see the four boys freeze while she handed her boss two aspirin, which he accepted with a grunt and swallowed dry.

"Hi, Gustavo," Carlos was the first to speak, still locked on top of the couch with James, who didn't even bother to loosen the hold he had on his neck. They both looked sheepish and frightened.

"We're having a … foil war…" Kendall explained uneasily, keeping a tentative smile as Logan stopped struggling and he almost fell to the floor with the lack of force against him. He glanced at Sage and his smile brightened when he saw that she was trying not to laugh, her hand covering her mouth and her head aimed towards the carpet.

"I thought you were having lunch," Kelly kept her tone as light as possible, voice rising with the overly optimistic sound. Her dark eyes shifted nervously to her boss before going back to the band. Gustavo remained silent with his arms crossed, waiting for more of a response from the guys before he blew up.

"We were!" Logan interjected too loudly, clearing his throat when he realized his mistake as he dusted his clothes off; behaving as if it could fix the mess they made. There were bits of silver garbage littered among the overturned furniture, making the floor sparkle in their peripheral vision when anyone moved their head. "But… uh…" he trailed off fretfully, probably embarrassed that his brothers always had a weird way of making him act like a child hopped up on sugar.

"We had extra foil from the sandwiches you got us," Carlos stepped in to take over for Logan after sliding off of the couch with James. He looked at Kelly, who glared at the implication that she had anything to do with the disaster just because she delivered the food. Carlos flinched at the fiery woman's stare and backed away only to have his legs hit the furniture behind him.

"And then I found even more in the kitchen cabinets!" James chimed in energetically, saving Carlos and keeping his attitude peppy despite all of the awkward tension in the room that was only growing with Gustavo's continued silence. The tallest warrior stuck out his chest as if he was proud, faux breastplate shining vibrantly when the fluorescent lights above them reflected off of it.

"Then, after a series of events that would most likely bore you, I may have suggested a battle to the death," Kendall held his breath, puffing out his cheeks before exhaling loudly and attempting another embarrassed smile. He scratched the back of his neck and the foil hat he had on, which was adorned with fake horns that held a resemblance to those of a Viking, fell to the floor. He kicked it away in a manner he thought was stealthy, even though it was anything but, and he kept looking at Gustavo like he was a ticking time bomb that had almost reached zero.

The producer opened his mouth to speak, but Kendall felt the need to add even more to his explanation in order to cover all of their bases.

"Please don't get mad, Gustavo! Things like this just happen, you know?" He laughed in an overly eager fashion, leaning across the chair he had used as a barricade to pat James on the back; trying to create a friendly and carefree atmosphere, with Carlos and James nodding enthusiastically. Carlos' cap, which had been molded over his helmet, started to fall apart, and the other teen's armor began to rustle noisily and crumble to the ground.

"We're young males. It's in our DNA to engage in hearty competition and cause a little disorder. In fact, I'd count yourself lucky that we're behaving so normally," Logan let out a graceless chuckle, rocking on his heels and clasping his hands together. Gustavo didn't move an inch; keeping his arms crossed and his eyes on the group. "No? Okay then," Logan tilted his chin towards his torso and pressed his lips together without another word.

"Clean all of this crap up. You have two minutes before I murder you," the large man finally spoke, looking as if he was trying to keep his blood pressure at a healthy level; receiving a thumbs-up from his assistant for his efforts. "Kelly, is everything ready for the airport? I'm suddenly feeling the need to run out of here sooner than planned," he turned his focus onto the young woman beside him. She immediately nodded and whipped out her phone, hitting a few keys.

"Yup, you're all set for the trip. The only thing we have to do is get you on the plane," Kelly told him with a cheery demeanor as she ushered him back towards his office after sending one last warning glare over her shoulder at the boys, who jumped into action when they were sure that Gustavo wasn't going to maim them right that second. He had better ways of spending his time.

He was going to be leaving in less than an hour for a four day trip to NYC to attend a conference. The company that controlled Rocque Records, RCM-CBT Globalnet Sanyoid, was holding it for all of their largest employees, and Arthur Griffin, the CEO of the American branch of the corporation, had instructed Gustavo that he was to attend with no exceptions. Griffin never left any room for argument. So, even though it was going to be composed of unnecessary and stuffy meetings for half of the week, Gustavo had to go and sit in a crowded room and put on his happy face while the higher-ups rambled on and on, discussing things he couldn't care less about. However, he was more than willing to do whatever Griffin asked of him because he was the man that kept money in his bank account and made BTR a possibility for them all.

"This was amazingly mature of you guys," Sage teased once their boss was back in his office with Kelly. She stepped forward to help them put everything into its proper place. "And oh so very you," she grinned before biting her folder between her teeth so that she would have both hands free to aid Logan in turning over one of the chairs, while Carlos moved the other, and James and Kendall flipped the sofa into its rightful position.

"It was Carlos' fault," Kendall announced, kissing his girlfriend on the lips in a loving greeting after she tucked the folder back underneath her arm. She smiled and began to pick the pieces of foil off of his shoulders, revealing the red, plaid shirt he wore beneath.

"How so?" Carlos pouted while removing his helmet. He settled it on the coffee table after turning it over, now that their battle was finished, and started balling up the silver wrap that covered his body.

"I'm pretty sure that you were the first one to throw your garbage at Logan," James bumped fists with his shorter friend, and teammate for the prior war, and Logan returned the gesture with enthusiasm and a nod.

"It wasn't on purpose! I tripped because you had your lanky legs all stretched out by the table," Carlos argued, raising his brow defiantly and giving James a smug smirk.

"I'm not lanky! I'm wonderfully proportioned," he scoffed dramatically at him and elongated his body as if he was checking himself, making the entire group laugh.

"I think you guys just have too much energy because you know that you're gonna be free men for a few days once Gustavo leaves…" Sage removed the last bit of foil from Kendall, giving it to him so that he could crush it all into a single piece with one hand while his free arm wrapped around her waist instinctively.

"Oh! Speaking of energy, Arielle invited me to a club for some fun tonight. James is in already. You guys wanna go too?" Carlos looked to Logan and Kendall before spinning around like a dog chasing his tail when he couldn't quite reach a sliver of foil on his shoulder.

"I have a date with Camille," Logan shook his head and grinned when he reached out to grab the piece Carlos was aiming for.

"And I'm staying in with Sage," Kendall dropped down sideways into a chair so that one of his legs hung off the arm, dragging his girl down with him and seating her in his lap. Carlos nodded easily, having guessed what the answers would be from both of the boys, and then helped James kick the legs of the couch so that it was as close to its original spot as possible.

"Are you sure that's what you want?" Sage twisted in his arms, tossing the folder she held onto the coffee table so that she could interlock both of her hands behind Kendall's neck.

"What? To spend the night with you? I'm positive," he smiled and went in for a kiss, but she pulled back and gave him a skeptical stare.

"You don't want to go and party in L.A. with your friends? You shouldn't let me hold you back, Kendall…" she grabbed one of his hands and squeezed. She loved that he was with her as much as he could be, but she knew how unhealthy it would become for them if it wasn't always what he really wanted. She wished that she could just go out with him and the guys to a club, but she wasn't ready for something like that yet. Mall trips and outings for meals were tolerable, and usually more enjoyable than stressful, but the atmosphere of a nightclub made her anxious when she just thought about it.

"I feel like we've had this conversation before," he smirked and then relented with his attitude and softened. He reached his free hand up to sweep her blonde hair away from the side of her neck, his fingertips grazing the chain that held her pendant. "I promise that this is what I want, okay? You know partying's not my thing. Elliot sent me to the hospital that one time, the next time I got drunk out of my mind and made an idiot out of myself, and the third one I was involved in got me seated in the back of a squad car. I'm all partied out, thank you very much," Kendall explained easily, his smile gluing into place when he felt Sage relax on top of him.

"Dude, I remember you at that party when we found you. You're a whiny drunk… no fun at all," James gave him a playful look of disappointment.

"Reckless too. You almost got your ass beat by that quarterback," Logan added while he picked up a few magazines that had ended up on the floor as collateral damage of their roughhousing. He did his best to smooth out any wrinkles and cover up ripped pages.

"And you were tripping all over the place. No coordination," Carlos jumped in with a false, condescending tone.

"Shut up," Kendall laughed and chucked the foil ball he had at them, making a firm connection with James' sternum. He yelped and made an attempt to throw the foil he had in his own hand back at Kendall, but he punched Logan in the arm instead when the boy had bent down to straighten up the coffee table.

"Watch it," he complained and tossed a magazine sideways to retaliate against James even though it was counterproductive to the cleanup. Kendall and Sage continued to laugh, finding themselves suddenly out of the situation when the magazine bypassed James and hit Carlos. The shorter boy then smacked Logan's stomach with the back of his hand as a form of payback.

"This doesn't look like making music, but maybe I'm just rusty on some of the technicalities…"

Arthur Griffin appeared in the hallway, frightening them all into silence with his sudden arrival. He had on an oddly permanent, small grin; always giving an air of cordialness that they didn't necessarily believe in because of how firm he could be with his actions. Sage wasn't sure what to make of him. He was hard to read. Griffin had short, carefully groomed grey hair and a strong stance. His hands were clasped at his waist, the skin of his wrists being revealed when the very expensive fabric of his suit pulled upward because of the position. The CEO had an assistant flanking him; a talk, dark, and quiet man that came off as more of an enforcer due to his build and attitude. As a pair, they created the perfect picture of authority; standing at the end of the long red and white hallway with the gold mirroring R's of the Rocque Records logo behind them.

Kendall scrambled, keeping an arm around Sage's torso so that she wouldn't fall as he jumped to stand, and the boys followed his lead. They all tried to kick the garbage that was left lying around so that it was out of the man's sight, and then they fell into a single line. The group knew that their producer was already going to be wound up by Griffin's presence, and he didn't need any more reasons to freak out, so they were on their best behavior.

"Griffin! Hi, sir," Gustavo rushed to the doorway of his office after hearing his boss speak to them, Kelly hurrying after him in a panic.

"It's nice to see you, but we thought that we were supposed to meet you on the jet in a half-hour…" she smiled too brightly, her extreme enthusiasm being obvious, but Griffin didn't appear phased by it. He didn't really care about the apprehension on his employees' faces at all for that matter; almost like he was used to firing and destroying people on a daily basis and it no longer affected him to see frowns or tears.

Gustavo elbowed Kelly covertly when he thought she was being too creepy with her smile, but his was just as bad; overly pleasing and painful to watch. She elbowed him right back.

"You are, but I just figured that a check-in on my new band would be appropriate before we took our trip. Don't you agree, Abdul?" Griffin chimed out pleasantly while turning to his assistant, who merely nodded once in response.

"That's really smart thinking," Gustavo complimented him awkwardly, the words too eager and unfamiliar in his mouth; not accustomed to doling out praise. "But everything's fine here! Mr. X says that the guys are quickly picking up the routines he gives them, and we've been working on some new songs to try out and see if they'll make a good fit for the album. We're right on track, so there's nothing to worry about," he looked to Kelly for agreement, and she nodded without faltering. The boys and Sage followed suit, all humorously moving their heads up and down in tandem when they felt like their boss needed the support.

"I don't remember her…" Griffin turned his full attention, which was always pretty intimidating, onto Sage; eyes scanning the spot where the blonde leader of his band had an arm anchored securely on her waist. He liked to know everything about the assets he counted on, and she was a new addition.

Kendall's body jumped into action with a slight jolt of his spine that straightened his posture even further, and he was about to speak, but Gustavo shot him a glare and then recovered with his inelegant smile and talked to Griffin instead.

"She's Sage Henderson; a songwriter. I hired her to help with the album," he explained, trying to make it all sound simple so that there would be no more questions. He was hoping that Griffin would just accept it, not having too much prior knowledge about the music business before basically buying Gustavo's, but the CEO had more to say.

"Did I approve that? I don't recall approving it," Griffin never unclasped his hands or dropped his grin. Everyone instantly got nervous, like Sage could disappear if the powerful man snapped his fingers. Kendall inched closer to her along with the rest of the guys to tighten their line of five as they waited for something bad to happen, but Gustavo spoke back up faster than anyone expected.

"You didn't have to. I'm paying her with my own money. She's a necessary employee here…" he sounded so confident that Kelly, Sage, and the others widened their eyes right along with the suddenly outspoken producer. He coughed as if he was capable of choking on the air, "… Sir…" he added more quietly out of the respect he had oddly forgotten to use.

Sage couldn't stop herself from smiling softly, honored by the way Gustavo had jumped in a minefield on her behalf and by the way he had secretly bet his own money on her capabilities. He may have been harsh sometimes, and often nonchalant about anything serious, but she was growing to respect her new mentor more and more. Things like this allowed her to see just how much he believed in her without having to actually say it.

"I appreciate your initiative, Gustavo," Griffin informed him cheerfully. Even with his employee's tone walking the line of insolence, his upbeat attitude hardly ever faded. "Make sure you bring some of that to New York with us. We have to impress the right people," he continued, not even taking a moment to relish the fact that Gustavo audibly sighed in relief when he wasn't reprimanded. Griffin stared at Sage while he spoke, but he never said anything directly to her. It was more like he was assessing her aptitude and personality with just a look; assessing any possible damages she could do to the investment that was BTR. "Let's head out, shall we? We have dinner with the board a couple of hours after we land," he perused the entire group with a sweeping smile and spun solidly on his heels without waiting for any type of confirmation, stalking off down the hallway with the ever silent Abdul.

Gustavo started to follow them like a lapdog, but not before turning back to Sage and the boys.

"Behave!" he hissed lowly, pointing at each and every one of them but lingering more on the guys. He rushed off after Griffin.

"Just stay out of trouble, alright? Relax, and take advantage of your time off," Kelly smiled sweetly, giving them a short wave.

"Kelly!" Gustavo called her loudly as he reached the corner. She hurried along the corridor, heels clicking faintly against the carpeting.

"Griffin is kinda freaky," Sage turned to her family hesitantly as soon as the quartet was out of their sight.

"He's just an odd guy, nothing to really worry about," Logan assured her like he always did best; always easing her nerves and slipping back into the role of therapist when it was necessary. He grinned at her and then began picking up the garbage they left on the floor that Griffin thankfully hadn't looked too much into. "He just tries to scare Gustavo," he let out a victory sigh when he found the magazine that he had thrown earlier under the corner of one of the chairs.

"And it's funny because it usually works," Kendall smiled smugly, loving whenever he could see their usually arrogant producer resort to acting like the type of dog he labeled them to be.

"No more talk about angry bosses or creepy executives," James complained playfully, shoving Kendall slightly off balance with a weak push of his hand. "You hear the ding of that elevator?" he held his finger in the air, somehow knowing exactly when the sound would come from down the hall and around the corner. A dim chime echoed as Kelly, Gustavo, Griffin, and his assistant got on and the doors shut. "That means our vacation has officially begun," he did a goofy dance of excitement that Carlos didn't hesitate to join in on.

"Which means it's time for fun!"

* * *

"Carlos, stop tugging on your blazer," Arielle scolded him in the sweetest manner possible for her, smiling at him for only a second to bat his hands away from his clothes. She quickly redirected her focus to the well-dressed people surrounding them on the sidewalk as they got closer to the club that she had told him about. She waved to a few and blew short kisses to others, looking perfect with every gesture and expression; makeup not smudging and her carefully coated face not showing anything she didn't want to be seen.

"It feels like a straitjacket," Carlos whined to the model, morphing his eyes so that they were effortlessly wide and innocent as if he could convince her to let him remove the jacket. He knew better, though.

She had sent outfits for him and James as soon as she knew that they were both joining her, wanting them to look like they belonged with her when they were seen in public. James didn't object. He loved what she had picked for him. All of it was pricey and designer, everything he adored but couldn't necessarily purchase much of yet, but Carlos had pouted as soon as he put the clothes on. James helped him with the thin maroon tie, and his grimace never left until Arielle had shown up in a limo to get them outside of the lobby at the Palm Woods. She looked completely in her element, vibrant and beautiful and golden, and he knew then that he couldn't let her down if appearance was something important to her. He wrote it off as a part of her career. Even though she had downplayed it when they first met, she wasn't just an aspiring model. She was quite popular and successful in the area, and looks were everything to her.

"That's because if fits you perfectly, silly!" Arielle giggled and kissed his cheek as they walked, James only a few steps behind the couple. "I knew I got your measurements right. I have an eye for these things," she winked; long, black lashes closing over a vibrant brown eye. Taking her attention off of the crowd around them for a moment, she leaned in so only he could hear her. "You look really sexy, honey," she pulled one of his hands into hers, effectively making him stop gripping at the fabric, and the endearment worked like a charm. Carlos lit up and squeezed her hand before slinking his arm around her waist as they approached the main entrance to the club, completely bypassing the long line outside of the building.

"We don't have to wait in line?" James chimed in ecstatically. He looked as excited as a child on Christmas morning surrounded by piles of glossy wrapped gifts, except he was enveloped by the glitzy lights and dim, smog-shielded stars of the Hollywood sky instead, and he loved it ten times more than any holiday he had ever experienced.

"Nope," Arielle smirked, her meticulously glossed lips pressing together in a flawless curve. "Your name is everything in this town. Title is what gets you places, not just your talent… I happen to have both," she continued to smirk, referencing her wealthy origins on her father's side of the family. The Prescott's not only had prestige in Hollywood, but also the money to back it up after engaging in dozens of lucrative investments that practically made their fortune for them. Her mother also launched a fruitful clothing line that catered to the famous. It gave the family, mainly the young Arielle, everything they could ever need or want.

At her words, James' eyes lit up almost as bright as the city around them; thinking about the possibility of having it all for himself one day when the band got successful and he had a name that was worth something to more than just his family.

"James, you coming?" Carlos chuckled at him, seeing that his taller friend had stopped in the middle of the sidewalk; hands tucked deeply in the pockets of his dark wash jeans and his black tie blowing in the light breeze, contrasting starkly with his crisp, white dress shirt. He shook out of his stupor and took his gaze off of the sparkling horizon at the end of the street before planting on a smile and catching up with Carlos and Arielle.

"Hey, Kyle," the blonde model stopped in front of a bouncer at the door, reaching out the hand that wasn't tucked between her and Carlos to give the tall man's arm a gentle squeeze. "These two are with me," she nodded to the boy at her side and then to James, who stood behind them.

"Nice to see you tonight, Miss Prescott," the man grinned and ignored the groans coming from the line of waiting people as he unclipped the velvet rope and let Arielle and the guys pass without a second thought. She waved her finely manicured fingertips at him, and then pulled Carlos into the club.

The place was like some of the others that James had taken Carlos to, but the clientele was different. By the looks of it, everyone had money to their name or the right friends who did, and even a few faces were recognizable from movies and television. The music blared, though, just like at any other nightclub, and strobe lights flashed above them rapidly; almost simulating what one could see from the paparazzi. Something told Carlos and James that the idea of cameras was something that at least half of the patrons there were accustomed to.

Arielle dragged Carlos along with her, and James followed wordlessly until they reached the bar, where a man, only slightly older than them, was straightening out a few glasses in the striking display of multicolored flutes on the wall behind him. He turned just as they approached and smiled at Arielle in a way that said she was more than familiar to him.

"I haven't seen you around in a while," he leaned on the surface of the bar, smiling at her like they shared a secret.

"I've been working, landing a lot of jobs," she informed him proudly.

"Of course you have. I expect nothing less from that face," he teased her brazenly. Carlos almost thought it was flirting, but it felt more like an odd way to greet one another or a game that they played.

"This is my friend, James," she gestured to the tall teen, who had taken to surveying the area. He felt watched, like all eyes were looking at the newcomers, but the feeling was good. It was also a little freeing to know that he didn't need to lie or use a fake ID to get in there. No one cared much about age in Hollywood. It was like Arielle said; it was just about your name and who you knew. Nothing else seemed to hold weight. "And this is my boyfriend, Carlos," she pressed her thin frame more firmly into Carlos' strong one, but he felt like he needed her in order to stand when she spoke.

She had never called him her boyfriend before. They had gone out several times in the last couple of months, including a few nights that he spent in bed with her at her place, but he didn't know that she had labeled him so favorably, and he couldn't wipe the stupid smile off of his face. He never had someone call him theirs before when he had yet to call them his, especially not someone as important as Arielle.

"Is everything all set in my usual area?" she kept talking to the bartender like what she said was normal between them.

"Yup, it's all just how you like it… and Cody and Hayley are already making themselves at home back there," he laughed just as she did, sharing a knowing look between them before Arielle stuck a hand into her purse and leaned across the spotless bar. She kissed the man on the cheek and slipped him a wad of bills, which he accepted tactfully and only glanced at for a second before depositing them into his pocket. "Have a good night," he waved them off, and Arielle appeared to be done playing nice with him; no longer smiling and ignoring him as she spun herself and Carlos around.

"You're my girlfriend now?" he questioned skeptically. He kept thinking that she was going to deny it, that it was just a slip of the tongue, but she nodded eagerly.

"Of course, unless you don't want me to be…" she trailed off with a smirk, already knowing how he was going to react.

"No!" he said a little too loudly, making James laugh behind him. "Zip it, James," he glared at his friend, who held up his hands in surrender. "I mean, I'd love to be your boyfriend," Carlos told Arielle, caressing her thin hips with his fingertips.

The intimate gesture was paired with an oddly innocent smile, reminding the model of why she liked being around him in the first place. He was good-looking and naïve; easily manageable unlike most of the other people she was surrounded by in the business. She had decided that he would be her boyfriend the moment she woke up in the morning after they first fucked and he didn't say a word about no longer wanting to see her. Instead of the usual reaction she received from guys, Carlos was sort of addicted to her and Arielle loved it. She thrived on it.

"You wanna dance, Car?" she wondered, beginning to tug him towards the moving mass of bodies before he even gave an affirmative response.

Her chocolate eyes were scanning the room for familiar faces, probably ones she hoped to see or ones she hoped would at least see her. Carlos watched the back of her head, bleached hair falling just to her shoulders and crimped in the style she liked, and he smiled. James looked at them apprehensively, unsure yet whether or not he liked how they interacted. Arielle dominated Carlos, and the harmless boy wore some kind of love-goggles with her; seeing everything as simple and pleasant when James wasn't always so sure that it was.

"The VIP area is over there, James! Go help yourself to a drink," Arielle waved at him right before Carlos pulled her body into his as they swayed, and that was all James needed to hear to erase any thoughts from his mind. He had almost forgotten what tonight was supposed to be about for him; fun and ignoring the things that were anything but.

Leaving the newly defined couple behind, James headed toward the place Arielle had pointed to. It was sectioned off from the bigger part of the club, but it was still relatively open; half walls serving as a gate of sorts to divide it and give it an air of privacy, which was aided by a guard that stood at the gap of the entryway. When James passed him, he guessed that he must have been watching Arielle because he made no move to stop the boy as he strolled into the area like he owned the place. When he entered, there were only two other people. A guy and a girl, both perfect looking just like Arielle, were intertwined on one end of the curved couch. The female, donned in a small black dress that stood out behind her bright red hair, had her arms looped around the neck of her partner as they breathed each other's air; kissing and exchanging spit like it was their last day on earth and sex was the only thing on their mind. The boy's tresses were dark, but everything looked that way within the club; all dark and muted and similar.

James took a glass off of the tray on the table, assuming that it was vodka by its lack of color, and plopped down on the couch in relaxation. He had never drank anything too hard when he partied in Minnesota, and he very rarely got intoxicated at all, but things were changing for him; places, life, people. He thought that this was what he needed to do in order to adapt to the social life around him like he always did flawlessly. James promoted his ability to shine in a crowd, but he still preferred walking the fine line of standing out and fitting in.

"Hey, pretty boy!" the girl suddenly called out to him after detaching her mouth from the guy's and noticing his arrival.

"You a model?" the boy asked, his eyes darting sideways to the female on his lap as if to say that it was their profession as well as many other's around them.

"No…" James grinned and shook his head, leaning further back into the couch as he sipped on his drink and took the unfamiliar burn in his throat with a grimace. "Well," he started, feeling the need to correct himself, "I'm a singer, but I'm sort of an aspiring everything," he smiled confidently over his glass, being sure to speak loud enough for the pair to hear him through the music. They both nodded simultaneously, like they had heard it all before, but he didn't let it phase him. He kept believing that he wasn't just "another one".

"Name's Cody. This is my girl, Hayley," Cody bit at her neck jokingly, and Hayley giggled loudly and shoved him away. His black-rimmed eyes darkened even more as they narrowed at her with some kind of sexual tension, but he didn't retaliate any further after pinching her hip where his hand had rested.

"You know Arielle?" Hayley wondered.

For some reason, neither one of the models spoke in full sentences most of the time. It was like things in their mind were broken or cracked, or perhaps they were just fully cozy and at home in their own section of the nightclub. Their speech matched everything else about them, though. It was all disjointed and skewed; the way they tangled together so that you couldn't tell where one began and the other ended while their skin glowed under the multi-colored lights. It was all gritty and otherworldly.

Hayley stole a swig of Cody's beer that he had in his hand and then put it on the table in front of them, and that was when James started to put some of the splintered pieces together. That's when he saw the drugs. He didn't know why he hadn't seen them before, but there were a few joints, a couple lines of white power, rolled hundred dollar bills, and a shiny razor littered among glasses and bottles of alcohol; all sitting there like they belonged just as much as the liquor.

James stiffened but didn't let it show. He leaned back on the blue couch and threw one of his legs over the other, casually resting his right ankle on his left knee as his hands gripped the back of the furniture in a lounging position.

"Yeah. I'm James…a friend of her boyfriend, Carlos," he finally answered the girl's inquiry. It had been seconds, but it felt like full minutes. He redirected his eyes off of the drugs and onto the dancing people around them, trying to search for Carlos but failing and settling on staring at a few of the hotter girls instead to occupy his mind as he went into failsafe-mode; looking to get laid and have a good time. It's what he always did when he got too stressed.

"Boyfriend? Arielle's usually the fuck 'em and dump 'em type," Hayley laughed heartily, and Cody chuckled along with her, but James didn't say anything else.

He was avoiding them still, thinking about dancing and looking for someone to bed, but for some reason it didn't feel like what he needed anymore.

"You wanna fly, Jamsey?" Hayley leaned forward on Cody's lap, his hands remaining on her hips. The fabric of her dress wasn't even manipulated by the pull because of how tight it was against her too thin body. "Cody always brings the good stuff, and we like to share. A friend of a friend's friend is a friend of ours," she giggled like she was the funniest thing in the world, and Cody went right along with it when she fell back against his firm chest; one of her hands coming up to grab at his dark hair like she needed to latch onto something to keep herself down. However, James didn't really think she was all that concerned with anything other than staying as high up as she could get.

"Sorry about Hayles. She gets chatty when she does more than five lines," Cody nodded towards the cocaine on the table with a sinister smirk that matched his features perfectly.

He was pale and flawless, definitely fitting in with what Arielle would want her elite group to be, and now James wasn't so positive that he wanted Carlos to see her anymore if she was surrounding herself with these types of people. Then again, he also assumed that these people were normal in Hollywood.

They were popular, and James loved popular.

"I don't think I should. I've never done it before," James brushed them off, sounding sure of himself and cool about the entire thing, but it was an act; one that he had mastered.

"Really? You're new around here, huh?" Cody grinned again, making James feel small for a second. It made him feel like he didn't know anything; like he didn't even know himself.

"Here," Hayley bent forward and grabbed a joint and a lighter from their pile, slipping it between her pink lips and sucking as she set the end ablaze, "start with something light, Boy Band." The moniker showed that she probably knew or remembered more about him through Arielle than she and Cody had originally let on, but she didn't seem to realize her slip. She didn't seem to notice much at all. She was way too far gone.

Hayley passed the joint to James between her thumb and forefinger. He thought about it for only a second before he made the decision to stop thinking altogether. He wanted to do whatever he felt was right, and this definitely felt that way. It felt fun and free, something he didn't always allow himself to be despite his outward nonchalant appearance.

Setting his glass of vodka down, he sat up and took the joint from the young model. When he inhaled and the pungent smoke filled his lungs, it burned and tingled but he resisted the urge to cough or gasp; wanting to look as cool as possible. He exhaled audibly when he pulled the weed away from his mouth. Cody and Hayley didn't say anything. They only laughed, it being the thing that they seemed best at, and then they continued to have a good time.

And James was determined to have one too.

* * *

"I had a good time tonight… I always have a good time with you," Camille told Logan with a cute smile, making him chuckle when he pulled her into his side as they left the elevator and walked the short trek to her apartment.

"Even when I fail at romance?" he raised a dark eyebrow and smirked down at her, dropping a kiss to the top of her brown curls when she shook her head.

"You didn't fail. It wasn't your fault," she bit her lip to stop herself from laughing at their earlier misfortune on their night out.

"I'm a jinx, Cam! I agreed to go on the Ferris wheel with you to be all sweet, even though you know how freaked out about heights I get, and then the thing breaks when we're right at the frickin' top," Logan rubbed his temple with the hand that he wasn't using to firmly grip her side as they strolled down the empty corridor while he thought about their date. He had taken her to the boardwalk, a really good idea in theory until it backfired on him when she suggested going on the ride.

"Once again, not your fault, Logie. You didn't short-circuit anything, and you were adorable when I had to hold your hand so you wouldn't hyperventilate," she poked his ribs and swayed slightly when the action made him squirm away with a laugh and pull her along with him; both of them stopping just before his shoulder hit the wall.

"Yeah, my panic is a big turn-on," he joked with a disbelieving snort as they continued the last few steps to 5K.

"It makes you who you are, and I lo- like who you are," she stammered over the word she almost said, feeling like it wasn't the right time or place, and finished her sentence with certainty; happy to see that Logan didn't make any facial expressions that said he noticed it at all. She wasn't even sure if she was just going to say it because it was on the tip of her tongue or if it was because it was actually true. "Besides, getting stuck at the top of a Ferris wheel is naturally romantic. You really have to watch more movies," she chastised him teasingly as they stopped in front of her apartment.

"It would cut into my study time. I have a strict schedule, you know…" he gave her a lopsided grin, sort of joking but not fully because they both knew that he did in fact have a schedule for himself. Camille giggled and shook her head as he slid both of his hands into hers, swinging their limbs slowly between them while standing outside of her door.

"You and your schedules," she sighed as they got closer and a comfortable silence fell over them.

"It's what makes the world go 'round… Well, it at least makes the spin easier," he smiled fondly when she did and detangled one of his hands so he could use his fingertips to move a strand of hair away from her brown eyes. "Are you busy with filming or anything tomorrow? There's this new exhibit at the planetarium that I thought we could check out…" he waited calmly for her response, still moving her hair even though it was already out of her eyes.

"I don't have to film," she started, thinking about her previous stint on a drama show. It had lasted a couple of episodes, but it wasn't anything big and her character was set to be killed off at the end of her arch. "But I do have to work hard on memorizing a script for Monday, and the first time I'll be seeing it is tomorrow morning, and-"

"And you'll be locked up in your apartment or by the pool cramming for the audition," Logan nodded easily, guessing where she was going and cutting off her rant when he noticed her anxiety building. He didn't want her to feel bad about not having time for him. It wasn't her fault, and if it meant more deserved success for her then he was all for it. "We can just go some other time, okay?" he offered warmly, his thumb settling at her jawline when he rested his hand on the side of her neck; smiling when he could feel the soft beat of her pulse beneath his palm.

"Sounds good," she grinned and leaned into the touch.

Logan noticed that it was always like that between them. It was easy and almost nonchalant when it came to dates because of their jobs, but he knew what he was getting into. They were parts of two different worlds. She was a passionate and creative actress, and he was the logical genius that got thrust, albeit willingly, into a boy band. Sometimes he wondered how they worked at all, but then he'd see Camille's smile and feel her hand in his and he'd remember.

They worked because of the feelings between them; warmth, excitement, and an indescribable yet pleasant tension. All of it was new to him. It was something for him to explore, dissect, and figure out.

"Text me or call when you have free time," he whispered, unable to find all of his voice when he realized how intimately close they were. His hands were on her, covering her neck and hip, and hers were anchored at his sides. Camille nodded but didn't say anything as she waited for him to close the distance and start their usual goodnight kiss, something that they had grown accustomed to sharing when they got together.

Logan leaned down and pulled her gently towards him at the same time, joining their lips in what started as a chaste lip lock but quickly grew in intensity before he could even register the shift in the atmosphere. His tongue found Camille's as he backed her into the door of her apartment, their connected bodies making impact with a dull thud. Her fingers curled into the fabric at the back of his t-shirt and his hands tightened at her shoulder and hip, squeezing the warm skin under his palm. They shared breaths, panting heavily, and Logan felt himself getting dizzy and lost. He wasn't used to it, so he retreated and pulled back just far enough to break away from his girlfriend.

"Do you wanna come inside?" she asked softly, licking her bottom lip as she tried to slow her breathing pattern down. Logan got distracted by the deceptively tantalizing movement but shook himself out of his stupor.

"I shouldn't…" he admitted sadly, unsure if it was what she wanted to hear, but not having any other choice because of how loud his head was telling him to put the brakes on. They had only been officially together for a few months. He didn't want to rush things.

"Okay," Camille smiled without hesitation, unaffected by his rejection because she knew that he was more than likely going to decline. "Goodnight, Logan," she pecked his lips one more time before digging her key out of her pocket and slipping it into the lock on the door; coyly grinning back at him over her shoulder when she noticed he hadn't moved much.

"'Night, Camille," he finally waved slowly at her, waiting in the hall until she shut and relocked the door behind her.

That's when he let out his frustration. His eyes widened as he searched his brain for the words to describe what he had been feeling when he pushed his body fully against Camille's. He tried to decipher what a jump like that had meant for him. It didn't take long before he realized that it had been want and arousal that he felt, things he had never had with another human being before. It wasn't something he ever gave much thought or put his time into like James did.

"Shit," he mumbled and pulled at his hair as he panicked slightly, his mind racing when he thought that such feelings could change things when he wasn't so sure that he was prepared for the structure of his life to be altered.

So he ran towards the stairwell, not even bothering with waiting for the elevator. He needed to talk to someone about this.

* * *

"Mom, you should go to bed. You're tired," Kendall frowned at the image of a yawning Karen on the laptop in front of him and Sage. He had his girlfriend situated on his lap as they shared the chair behind the desk in the main area of the apartment.

They spent the evening together, writing songs and watching television before they decided to text Katie and Karen to see if they could chat online. They all missed each other; missed the family unit they had eons ago. Now that they were in different time zones and multiple states away, they had an agonizing distance between them, but it was nothing compared to what they all felt when Sage was unknowingly in Elliot's grasp. If they made it through that alive, they could make it through this, even if it meant that Karen and Katie had to stay up a little late. It wasn't as bad as it could have been, though. It was the weekend, so Katie didn't have school the next day and Karen had off from work. They were speaking through the webcam for a while now, and it was getting later and later, especially for the Knight girls because they were an hour ahead of Sage and Kendall.

"But I miss you guys…" Karen argued halfheartedly with her son, stifling another yawn and shaking her head; auburn hair swaying in the ponytail it was tied up in, "…especially Sage. She's the only kid I have that's not a boy or trying to dominate the world," she teased, smirking sideways at her daughter. Katie sat in the chair beside her in the family's dining room with a proud smile on her face, letting Kendall and Sage know that she had been up to no good.

"Katie, what did you do?" Sage asked, emerald eyes staring at Karen for a little while longer before turning her full focus onto the twelve-year-old girl she considered a sister. She loved it when Karen treated her like one of her own as if it was a fact. It made her miss Julia, but it also had her feeling like she gained something valuable after the significant loss she suffered from.

"Nothing really, just a business deal with some girl scouts," Katie shrugged nonchalantly and pulled her legs up onto the chair with her knees against her chest, revealing the heart pattern on her pajama bottoms. The child-like design provided a false sense of innocence that only those closest to her could easily see past.

"She tried to take ten percent of their profits," Karen informed them when Katie didn't tell the whole story.

"Katie!" Kendall shook his head in disappointment, but he couldn't hide his smile. He missed his baby sister, and he would have loved to see the scheme in action.

"Don't make it sound like I was stealing," Katie complained to her mother, who merely rolled her eyes. "It was a _**fee**_ for my services as supervisor," she told the teens matter-of-factly.

"Promise you won't do it again, Kit Kat. You can't take advantage of people… and you definitely shouldn't take advantage of little girls who wear sashes and sell cookies. That's just evil," Sage smirked but she was still relatively serious.

"Okay, I promise. I need something more lucrative anyway. The big bucks are with the older kids. I just gotta figure out my next plan," Katie settled back in her chair and her eyes went to the ceiling above her so that Kendall and Sage couldn't see her as she thought.

"I really don't want you to be in juvy when we come visit for Christmas, baby sister," Kendall huffed playfully, leaning more towards the laptop with his arms still around Sage's waist; taking her with him as he readjusted in the chair.

"God, it's not even November yet! December is way too far away. I wish I didn't have to wait that long to see you," Karen frowned. "I keep forgetting that my baby boy is out in some crazy city by himself. Do you guys need more money?" she asked eagerly, wanting to do something with her motherly instinct.

"Why do you always try to give us money?" Kendall laughed at her enthusiasm, watching as she transferred some of her frustration onto Katie by throwing an arm over the girl's shoulders and pulling her in for a tight hug.

"It's all I can do," Karen told him dramatically.

"Mom… can't breathe…" Katie squirmed and pushed the woman away weakly, gasping when she finally let go. "And Kendall's fine…" she assured her before turning back to the computer. "I tell her this at least once a day," she shook her head, sounding much more put together and somewhat older than her own mother.

"Katie's right… Christmas will be here before you know it, and then we'll all be together again for a while. Just relax, Mom," Kendall smiled at her, keeping his laughter at bay and feeling Sage trying to do the same; holding her breath above him.

"You're getting me something good, right?" Katie grinned at the couple but stopped when Karen's cell phone rang from somewhere on the table by them. The woman checked the screen and smiled.

"It's just David. He knew we were going to talk and says hello," Karen appeared peaceful as she hit a few keys to send a message back.

"He's still good to you guys?" Sage asked, trying to keep the skepticism out of her voice. She had a natural disliking towards any "stepfather" figure even though she knew that David was different. He had never been anything but kind to the entire Knight family, and he and Karen had become even more serious as the months passed. He recently moved in with her and Katie, creating a stable home, although talks of marriage hadn't even been brought up at all. They were just happy with what they had and didn't want to push for anything else too soon.

"He's kind of corny in a goofball way, but he's cool," Katie chuckled, only moving her head from side to side when she saw Karen text a heart to the man from over her shoulder. He wasn't going to be home for another hour because of a late night in the office, and Katie knew that they were missing each other. If their love wasn't so beneficial to her mother's life, it would be just plain sickening to the girl.

"And he's excited to meet you and see Kendall again," Karen told them, yawning once more and unable to conceal it.

"Go to bed, Karen," Sage ordered her with a smirk.

"Fine, fine… I miss you both, and tell the boys we send our love…"

"Tell them they're losers," Katie chimed in mischievously only to be shushed by her mother.

"We all love you too," Kendall laughed as Sage reached out to close the laptop. "Goodnight," they both added simultaneously right before she shut the computer. After a few moments of silence, Sage spoke.

"I miss them a lot… Sometimes I even miss Ramsey… but only parts of it; the parts when you were there," Sage spun on Kendall's lap and laid her head on his shoulder, listening to the soft chuckle reverberating through his chest beneath her ear.

"I know what you mean… but I wouldn't trade the results for anything. This is where we're supposed to be," he bent down to kiss her gently.

Just as their lips connected, they jumped apart when the door to the apartment slammed open.

"Ah!" Sage yelped at the sudden sound, her reflexes telling her to panic, and she would have fallen to the floor if Kendall didn't grab her torso.

"Ah!" Logan stopped in his tracks in the open doorway, screaming as a result of Sage's outburst.

"What the hell is happening?" Kendall groaned as he lifted Sage into a standing position and glared at Logan as he swung the door shut behind him.

"Sorry! Sorry…" he held up his hands and grimaced, wide eyes guiltily searching Sage for any possible injuries, but she waved him off and straightened up. She had a hand over her heart as it returned to a normal rhythm.

"What's the problem?" she smiled despite the small scare and stared at Logan, reading the anxiety all over him as if it were her own.

"I'm thinking about the idea of possibly considering having sex with Camille," Logan let out something that sounded like a squeal of panic as he paced back and forth between the kitchen and the dining table while Kendall and Sage laughed at his overly precise wording.

"Who's stopping you?" Kendall rolled his eyes and grinned as he spoke.

"Who else? _**Me**_!" Logan shrieked, any calmness he ever possessed not showing for a second as he collapsed at the table and threw his head onto the cool surface. "It started off as a normal date. Everything was nice, we had a great time, and we kissed… That was the problem… Maybe I shouldn't kiss her anymore. I need to stop this shit right in its tracks before it gets out of hand," he mumbled and ranted into the tabletop.

"Logan, you can't be abstinent forever. I mean, you technically could, I guess, but it wouldn't be any fun," Sage smirked and watched Kendall nod in agreement as he dug into the fridge for a few cans of soda. He gave Sage one and took a seat next to her at the table with Logan, sliding another cool can over to his distraught friend.

"But-" Logan started, grabbing the drink, but then he stopped talking and really looked at who he was conversing with. "Wait, I can't discuss this with you. It's inappropriate and not all that polite considering what you're going through," he didn't make eye contact with them as he snapped the top on his soda. He didn't drink, but just fiddled with the metal tab instead.

He didn't think that having a discussion about sex with the couple was the best idea after what they had been through recently. Their own trials with reengaging in intercourse were still ongoing, and Logan and the others knew as much, but they were more relaxed lately since that night a few weeks ago. They did what they said they would and stopped pushing themselves to be ready, and both of them were a lot happier because of it. Things were relatively stress-free between them now. Logan was a different story.

"Say whatever you want, Logie. You've always been there for us, and now we'll do the same for you," Sage pleaded gently, Kendall nodding by her side.

"Yeah, man. Maybe we can help…"

"Relationships weren't my priority before, but now I have Cam, and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do here," Logan grunted when he let his head hit the table again and he continued to speak into it, his voice clear but slightly muffled. "Dad and I are getting closer, and things are really good, but I can't call him with this. We kinda missed our window…" he laughed bitterly, thinking about all the years of adolescence he had spent without a father figure. "I'm supposed to be a 'grown man' now…" he made air quotes with one of his hands limply when he lifted himself back up, acting as if his grown-up status was a fact that he had already locked in his memory after reading it somewhere.

"That's bull. You're a kid, Logan. We're all kids even if we've been through some pretty adult shit," Kendall sipped on his drink and instinctively grabbed Sage's hand and squeezed. "You're allowed to be clueless about stuff. It makes you human," he tilted sideways in his chair and ruffled the boy's hair, smiling sadly when he didn't even have the energy to push him away; merely letting the annoying contact happen.

"I do know some things. I know the physical and technical aspects of sex, but no one told me that it was scary and emotional and gives people panic attacks," Logan finally drank his soda when his mouth went dry; guzzling it as if he was going to dehydrate.

"Whoa, clam down," Sage motioned slowly with her hands, reaching out and taking the can from his grasp so he wouldn't drown himself. She was starting to see just how worked up he had made himself on his date with Camille.

"Is Cam, like… pressuring you or something?" Kendall guessed awkwardly, glancing at Sage with a shrug.

"No," Logan laughed lightly at the idea and slouched in his chair, his body collapsing downwards so that his butt almost hung off the edge of the seat. "I've just- The more we kiss and the closer we get, the more I consider sexual intercourse as a viable option…"

"You're thinking of this way too logically," Sage argued with a shake of her head and a small smile.

"I don't know how else to think… I didn't get 'the talk'. I got sex ed. classes and a couple of books… What did you do?" Logan looked to Kendall, seeking advice from another guy that also grew up without a father to give him guidance.

"Uh, Mom kinda took the awkward approach and discussed it with me the day I turned thirteen," Kendall wrung his hands together nervously as his mind traveled back to the humiliating and uncomfortable talk with Karen; seeing it like it was yesterday. Logan smirked and Sage had to stop herself from laughing.

"And that was good enough for you to be confident about it?" Logan inquired apprehensively, raising an eyebrow at his blonde friend.

"The internet helped," Kendall grinned and shrugged.

"My boyfriend; the porn addict," Sage snickered, shoving Kendall playfully when he flicked her arm at the comment.

"I wasn't an addict. I was just _**curious**_. There's a huge difference," he declared defensively.

"Sounds like you're splitting hairs to me," Logan smiled at Sage, who nodded curtly back.

"Hey, if you two are gonna gang up on me, I'm ending this conversation," Kendall teased, not an ounce of sincerity in his tone. He was pleased to see Logan relaxing and that Sage could help him do it. The pair of friends always got along effortlessly because of their similar wit.

"So, what should I do if I feel like I want to take the next step with Camille?" Logan stared at his lap and nervously fiddled with the tab on his soda can again.

"Talk to her about it, and don't be terrified. If you both want to do it, then just do it," Sage spoke simply. She knew that Logan wouldn't necessarily want to hear that it was so easy, but there was no reason for him to complicate things. "You're a smart and responsible guy. You should do whatever feels right for you and Camille, and stop worrying about it. Having sex for the first time should be more emotional than mental."

"But I love mental things! I'm good at those," Logan whined and pouted after kicking the space of ground beneath his foot, his sneaker squeaking against the wood.

"Too bad," Kendall gave him some tough love, not letting himself flinch when Logan looked distressed. "Step out of your comfort zone, or at least be 'mental' and consider that as an option instead of treating sex like it's going to bring on the apocalypse… I promise you that the world won't end just because you lose your virginity."

"If you say so," Logan sighed dramatically but decided to relent and ponder the whole thing from all angles rather than just trying to run from it.

He really didn't know what he expected to happen if he were to take a leap of faith and explore new things with Camille. He just knew that it would bring on change, and change itself was unsettling to someone like him because of its abrupt nature. He couldn't plan for it as much as he would have liked, but, if he wanted to put it into educational and logical terms, Kendall and Sage's relationship provided the perfect lesson for this type of thing. They took a chance on each other, even though it was terrifying, and the outcome was worth it. Perhaps he could also learn to roll the dice every once in a while just to see what the result would be.

* * *

"I should check on James… It's been awhile since we left him, and he got into some trouble the last time I didn't keep an eye on him," Carlos spoke loudly near Arielle's ear, her bleached hair tickling his lips as they moved.

They had been on the dance floor for over an hour, writhing together and chatting up people Arielle wanted to introduce him to. For each new face, he was labeled: "Carlos Garcia of the soon-to-be-successful band, Big Time Rush." He didn't mind the attention because it made his girlfriend glow when her friends stared at him with approval, but he began to miss and worry about James. He had expected the boy to appear in his line of sight sometime soon after seeing so many pretty girls around, but he never showed up.

"Are you his bodyguard now?" Arielle giggled, a bit drunk from the few beverages she had sipped on between songs and chatter.

"I'm his friend," Carlos corrected her softly, smiling and kissing her rouged cheek before stepping away. "I'll be back…" he added with more volume, making sure she heard him over the music. Arielle nodded and waved him off dismissively. Her eyes slipped shut as he moved her hips to the song, holding her current drink in the air as she raised her arms.

Carlos slinked through the crowd of bodies, getting bumped and knocked around by random limbs as he made his way to the VIP area he watched James glide into earlier. When he got there and stood beside the indifferent bouncer that had taken a permanent position against its entrance, he stopped in his tracks.

His best friend, the boy he knew since kindergarten, was snorting cocaine and pulling his face away from the drug-covered table with a smile like it was no big deal.

"James!" Carlos shouted once he found his voice. He jumped into action and rushed around to him, grabbing the teen's arm to haul him off of the couch.

"Carlitos! Are you having fun? I'm having fun! You want some of this? It makes everything lighter. Hayley says you literally fly, but I don't think I've left the ground yet," he giggled and looked at the black floor underneath them as he held out the rolled bill he had used to snort the drugs through as if the thing itself could get Carlos high. He slumped in his friend's grip, feeling like he wanted to sit down again; like standing up was too much exertion even though he also felt his energy level shooting through the roof.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Carlos hissed, looking distressed and almost willing to cry if he didn't see such a necessity for him to be levelheaded for once. He tugged James further as he jostled the table and aggravated Hayley and Cody, who had been attempting to suck each other's faces off on the other side of the couch.

"Dude, what's your deal? Relax like your friend," Cody lazily gestured towards the few lines of coke that were left before turning back to resume the make out session with the girl on his lap. Carlos hardly looked at the two intertwined models after trying to kill them with just his vision once and getting no result.

"Carlos, where's my drink?" James slurred, his smile never leaving his lips as he glanced up at the ceiling like it held the answers to life's problems.

"You don't need it. You need air," Carlos muttered, not caring if his brother actually heard him or not, and dragged James from VIP area, through the crowd, and out the main entrance. The tall boy whined the whole way, making unintelligible words of protest that Carlos could only decipher once they reached the sidewalk outside.

"I'm havin' a good time. Why are you taking me away?" James moped before he got distracted by a passing car that had its music blaring, the sound mixing with the tunes drifting out of the club. One of his hands came up to tangle in his brunette locks and the side of his arm pressed against his ear as if he was trying to block out the noise.

"Listen to me, James. Look at me!" Carlos angrily pulled the boy's arms down, pinning them at his sides with both of his own hands wrapped securely around his wrists as he stared right up at James.

"What?" James barked at him, starting to realize that Carlos wasn't going to entertain him.

"Have you completely lost it? I honestly want to know," Carlos kept his voice level and strict, not wavering despite the fact that his heart was hammering in panic.

James just blinked and swallowed thickly. There was a nasty taste in his throat from snorting the coke, and it was a bit numb; making him feel like he could gag if he focused on it for too long. Overall, the aftermath was sucking, but the high was euphoric beyond anything he had ever experienced other than sex. It also lasted way longer than an orgasm. He had started by just smoking weed, but the progression with cocaine happened so fast when he decided to just relax and keep the alcohol flowing. The second time Hayley and Cody offered him the white powder, he didn't even think about hesitating to take it.

"We've both done some dumb shit, but this is just insane," Carlos continued, bewildered when he got no response from James, who was slowly sobering as the seconds ticked by. He had only done a couple of lines, and the affects apparently didn't stay as long as he would have liked. He was fading, but he was still drunk.

"Carlos, chill out. It was just something fun like we always do," he tried to relate to his friend, tried to get him to see it like he did, but Carlos was having none of it. Even James knew that his own words sounded ridiculous. His nonchalance felt like a lie.

"This is not fun!" Carlos released his wrists with a fierce force, making his arms swing back along with his body, which already felt lighter in general.

"Come on! It's a big time rush," James giggled at his own joke after regaining his balance, his palm flat against the brick wall exterior of the club. The bouncer at the door was eyeing them both suspiciously, but Carlos had dragged them far enough down the sidewalk so that they weren't necessarily causing a scene for the waiting patrons.

"Still not funny," Carlos growled defiantly. He was usually the first to budge with James, his partner in crime, but he wasn't feeling very forgiving at the moment. He was too terrified of what the boy's choices meant; of the dangerous possibilities it could lead to.

It was just under a year ago when James had freaked out because there were drugs at the party he threw. He never dabbled in them in Minnesota. He didn't need to because he had already fit in somewhere near the peak of the hierarchy there, but now he was just another pretty face in a large mass of many talents and capabilities and dreams. He was struggling to find his way to a comfortable seat at the top again.

"This isn't what we do, James. This isn't who we are!" Carlos yelled, making James' head rattle with both the volume and the shame he felt when he realized that Carlos was right. He also started to realize that he wasn't always so sure about who he actually was anymore.

"Maybe a little change is good! We're not in Sherwood. We're in _**Hollywood**_ now," James said it as if it meant everything. "We're living the life!" he laughed and coughed again when the taste came back up in his throat, reminding him that the high was retreating.

"Yeah, a life that doesn't belong to you," Carlos chuckled darkly and crossed his arms. "Why would you do something so stupid, James? This is dangerous," he pleaded for him to listen, softening and trying to lower his voice through the anxiety that was pounding away at his insides. "Why?" he repeated, hoping he could understand his best friend like he was always able to even in a situation like this one.

"Sex doesn't work anymore," James admitted with a frustrated groan, hands carelessly coming back up to tangle in his hair and tug at his tie when he felt suffocated. The fresh air wasn't doing him any good. All he wanted to do was relax, but so much stress kept piling on top of him.

"Work to do what?" Carlos attempted to not sound exasperated, but he knew he failed when he saw James recoil away from him before answering.

"To clear my head… To make me not think and not be me for a few hours," he cleared his throat again and sniffled. There was a slight phantom burning sensation in his nose, the one he felt when he had snorted the coke, but it faded just as fast as it came.

"I think I should call Kendall…" Carlos shook his head, knowing that it wasn't the most ideal situation but also comprehending the fact that this might be too large of a problem for him to handle by himself.

"No, no… You're freaked out, I get it, and I'm sorry! I'll stop, okay? Give me a second chance, Car," James begged and stumbled when he reached a hand up to latch onto Carlos' shoulder. The boy looked compliant but pained, and that made James feel guiltier than anything else; that he could hurt one of the people he tried so hard not to.

"I give you _**so**_ many chances already… The guys say I give you too many…" Carlos sighed when James gave him a cute and innocent smile, knowing that he was about to break and not reach for his phone.

"Thank you," James pulled him into a strong hug, smiling as he let him go.

"This was a onetime thing? You'll stop hurting yourself?" Carlos bit his lip and narrowed his eyes skeptically, the lights of the city and passing cars flashing over both of them as they shared a moment of silence.

"Sure, definitely," James' mind seemed foggy when he answered, lingering effects of the drugs and alcohol still owning him, but he kept speaking anyway. "It'll all be good. Let's go back inside and have a drink," he gave his friend a hopeful smile and started to guide him towards the club's entrance, but Carlos immediately yanked his body away at James' words.

"It's like you're not hearing a word that I'm fucking saying!" he shouted, infuriated by the boy's easily broken promise and his quick reentry into the world of alcohol. James' eyes widened, appearing to realize his mistake, but it was too late.

Carlos already saw through him. He saw through the cracking mask, and it was so easy that the Latino was wondering why he couldn't do it before. Maybe James was just that good. He was an impressive actor, and he deceived the people that he loved just so he could show them how much he didn't love himself; trying to prove to them that he didn't deserve affection in any form. It was almost as if he was attempting to chase them out of his life before they made their own decision to leave, which would break him more than his active imagination ever could.

"I'm calling Kendall," Carlos declared firmly, digging into his pocket for his phone.

"No!" James latched onto his arm, holding Carlos in position. "I'm sorry! Please, don't call him. He'll just get all leader-ish on me. He'll be high and mighty," James tried to argue, but he made no sense, and Carlos shook his head.

"Kendall will know how to take care of you. He won't judge you," Carlos hit the nail on the head when it came to this specific fear of James'. The taller boy's body jolted away and his eyes clenched shut before he remembered that it wasn't normal to stand there with them closed. He hated being judged.

"Please, don't tell…" he begged Carlos again, his eyes burning more than his nose now that he felt like crying. When Carlos took his hand out of his pocket, his cell phone didn't come with it.

"Fine… but we're both going home now. You're more than done for tonight."

James nodded silently, all the fight leaving him now that he had a small victory.

It didn't take long for Carlos to get a disgruntled Arielle out of the club and into a cab that was waiting for them along the curb. His girlfriend was annoyed at ending their night early, but she followed him reluctantly anyway. However, it took some coaxing to get the frown off of her pretty features and also a mention that it was her friends who caused the problem in the first place. Arielle relented quickly after that and stopped arguing, feeling a bit like the catalyst and that she should cease any talking with the sober Carlos before she dug herself in a hole with her new boyfriend.

The car ride didn't help Carlos' agitated mood. For some reason, which he had regretted almost immediately, he chose to sit by one of the doors and put his high and drunk friend in the middle. That left him to be next to Arielle, who, in her own intoxicated state, was way too accommodating to James' giggle-filled antics. Once the intense conversation with Carlos was over, James seemed to float back to wherever the hell he had gone in his head. He was a tad delusional, and he disregarded everything other than what was right in front of him. He flirted shamelessly with Arielle, who bantered back with laughter and didn't try to stop his verbal advances much at all. To Carlos, it looked like it was just James guiding the whole exchange while Arielle was simply humoring him because she knew that he was high; finding the future pop star hilarious and entertaining in the way he flattered her with slurred words and sloppy winks. With the image of James snorting coke off of a table replaying over and over in his mind, Carlos didn't really have the energy to care what Arielle and his friend did or said while they both weren't thinking clearly.

"James, get out of the elevator," Carlos ordered his friend with low and exasperated speech. Arielle rubbed his arm, having taken her post beside her boyfriend once they had gotten out of the cab and into the lobby of the Palm Woods.

"You have to promise that you won't tell them what I did! Do I look okay? Just a little drunk, right?" James ranted frantically. He had made it up to their floor without a problem, just a few laughs and odd phrases spilling out when he stumbled through the lobby and took in the surroundings with new eyes, but his fear was back once he knew that they were extremely close to their home and family.

"Yes, James, everything's fine. Just get over here," Carlos reached out and grabbed the boy's wrist. James couldn't fight too much in his current state, so it was easy for him to be dragged to 2J once Carlos had a solid grip.

When the clubbing trio entered the apartment, the other three looked up at them from their spot at the table. It didn't take long for Logan, Sage, and Kendall to figure out that something was wrong. James and Carlos were trying to behave normally, and Arielle had never really changed from her usual self in the first place, but Carlos was obviously annoyed with James. The emotion was radiating off of him intensely as he shut the door behind them after he finished roughly pulling his friend inside. They knew something big must have happened then. On an average day, there was a better chance that Carlos would completely throw away his lucky helmet than there would be for him to show any honest hatred towards James.

"What happened?" Logan stood up with the others and approached the group. When Carlos had taken the time to shut the door, James found something to occupy his time. He sauntered to Arielle's side, putting an arm around her waist as she giggled and made a weak attempt to push him away.

"Jamie partied too hard. Right, big boy?" she played along with their earlier flirtation, still finding him hilarious. None of them really paid attention to her. Their eyes were on James and the way he was looking down at her as if she was a stranger; a hot stranger that he had a chance with.

"Wanna see how big?" James mumbled, chuckling almost directly after while continuing to look down at the model.

"Will someone get him to bed, please?" Carlos ground out loudly.

James' hazel eyes darted to him and his body spun, staring at him like he forgot that he was there; like he even forgot who he was. He glanced at Arielle next, and it seemed as though he realized what he just did. His cheeks tinted pink in shame, a feeling he hardly ever possessed, and he began to gesture to Carlos as if he was going to apologize.

"Just go to sleep," the boy shook his head, still weak and angry but more exhausted than anything now.

He moved past everyone and went into the kitchen, not caring that all eyes were on him. He made his way into the connected bathroom and flicked on the light so he could search for some aspirin to ease the thumping in his skull. He came out with the two pills almost as quickly as he had gone in, popping the tablets into his mouth and holding them there as he headed for the sink. Sage was already standing by with a glass of water for him, handing it over with a pitying smile. Carlos cracked his first grin since he had found James and swallowed the medicine along with the cool liquid. He then slowly lifted his arm to pull Sage into a lazy sideways hug, relishing in the feeling of calm normality the action brought to him. Home was nothing like loud music, flashing lights, and chatting with people that didn't give a shit about you.

"I don't wanna sleep yet. I wanna talk," James finally spoke as if many long seconds hadn't just passed, feeling delayed in everything he did, but he didn't care about the time. He wanted to make Carlos happy with him again.

"You've talked enough for tonight," Carlos detached himself from Sage and put the glass of water on the counter.

"I'm not tired," James added, still trying to argue lamely so he wouldn't be sent away from his friend.

"I wonder why?" Carlos scoffed sarcastically. He knew that what James did was messing with his body. He was wired and stressed even though those were the feelings that he had been hoping to avoid.

"Things are getting a little heavy for me, and the cab is waiting, so…" Arielle spoke up, feeling stifled by the thick tension in the apartment. She smiled and bit her tongue as she swayed over to Carlos. "I'll text you sometime soon, babe," she kissed him quickly, a simple peck of the lips, before she began readjusting his blazer and tie once more as if it mattered what he looked like at the moment. "And, again, I'm sorry about Hayley and Cody giving your boy-"

"It's not a problem, sweetie!" Carlos stopped her abruptly and loudly to cover what she was going to say, startling himself and everyone around him. His head rattled but he resisted the urge to reach up and clutch it, using his hands to quickly guide Arielle to the door instead. "Have a safe trip home," he kissed his girlfriend's cheek before all but forcing her out the door, shutting and locking it behind her.

"What was she talking about?" Sage stared at him curiously as she moved back to the table near where Kendall stood.

"Did someone slip James something?" Logan guessed in a panic, looking up at James and examining him. He had been standing quietly and scanning the room with a stoic expression and shifty eyes.

"More like something was offered and he accepted," Carlos let out a humorless laugh and walked towards the sink again, picking up the glass of water he left there.

"He's on drugs?" Kendall exclaimed with infuriated amazement, staring at James like he was a science experiment gone awry.

"I caught him snorting cocaine," Carlos' eyes slipped shut, the explanation tiring him out. There was also a lot of disappointment there. James could feel it as it began to weigh down the room, and it was all centered on him.

"You said you wouldn't tell!" he whined noisily, the drugs not making him realize that stomping his foot was inappropriate.

"You weren't gonna say anything?" It was Kendall's turn to be loud and aggravated, and he focused on Carlos. "This is James we're talking about! He needs to be watched carefully. You shouldn't be covering for his shitty mistakes."

"I just promised him so he'd come home with me. I thought it was too dangerous to stay out," Carlos clarified earnestly, wanting the others to understand that he did the best he could. Kendall calmed down and nodded slowly in acceptance.

"I'm right here!" James was upset. He hated being treated as if he was invisible.

"You're not _**all**_ here," Logan snarled at him suddenly. As it usually did when it came to a confrontation with James, Logan's wit turned sharp, caustic, and unrelenting. "Are you fucking crazy?" he yelled, advancing on his friend.

He was absolutely livid. Logan knew what drugs could do to a family. He knew what they could do to good people. He pushed James with both hands, trying to vent his frustration, but James didn't fight back at all. Logan might have gone for something even more physical, but Kendall grabbed him around the waist and pulled him back; shoving him onto a stool and not letting go until he was sure that Logan wasn't going to fight him. The boy just went rigid and sat like Kendall wanted him to, staring at the countertop as if he could burn a hole through it with his mind.

"Logie…" James called out desperately, wanting to fix things, but he didn't get the response he was hoping for.

"Not now," Logan growled, his eyes unmoving from their spot. "Just sit down before you fuckin' hurt yourself or something," he folded his arms on the counter and laid his forehead on top of them. James was eager to follow his order, wanting to fix all of this in any way he could manage, so he stumbled towards the table, but Kendall stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

"Not near Sage."

James let out something that sounded like a whimper before he could choke it off, feeling wounded and helpless. One of the worst things he could ever imagine was happening. He was now a threat to his only sister, and Kendall saw him as nothing but dangerous. James wanted to forget about the whole world for a night, but now it was beginning to feel larger and heavier than he thought it could be. As usual, he dug his own grave.

"Kendall… it's fine," Sage gave her boyfriend a soft look that begged him not to overreact, and he gave in with a slight nod. "James, are you feeling alright?" she closed the small distance between them, staring up at him for a second before pulling him into the hug that she knew he needed. They were both grateful that therapy had done wonders for the two of them. Thanks to her family, she was almost as healed as she could get, and now she thought that it was time to help James and return the favor.

"I'm sleepy," he mumbled into her hair, his arms limp but still around her body in a loose hug because of his sudden lack of energy.

"I thought you wanted to talk," Carlos rolled his eyes. He stayed by the sink and remained annoyed at the entire situation.

"It's just- I'm confused," James admitted in a whisper, sounding tiny and fragile.

"You'll feel better in the morning, buddy," Kendall spoke to him more gently than before after seeing how careful he was with Sage. "Let's get you to bed," he suggested quietly.

James didn't say anything else, and he also didn't protest as Kendall took him delicately by the arm and guided him down to the end of the hall and into his room. He let his friend push him weakly onto the bed and he rolled on his side with his hands tucked beneath his pillow so he could snuggle into the cool fabric as his eyes slipped shut. Kendall looked down at him with a sad smile. Figuring that he wouldn't get much done along the lines of changing his clothes, he just settled for taking off James' shoes to make him more comfortable.

The delirious boy grumbled in dissatisfaction when Kendall tugged the blanket out from under him, his body jostling and bouncing too much for his liking, but then he sighed in contentment again when he realized that his friend was covering him up with the comforter. If it wasn't so depressing, both of them would have found it a little funny that Kendall was the one taking care of him when he was usually the first one to clash with him instead.

"James…should I be worried about you?" Kendall wondered while tucking the covers around the boy's shoulders.

"No," the teen said it with his eyes still closed. His brow was furrowed, like the word caused him strain. It sounded relatively confident, though, but Kendall took it with a grain of salt anyway because he could see the obvious lie beneath the surface.

"Go to sleep," he patted James' shoulder and slipped out of the room after the brunette mumbled some sort of confirmation.

When he returned to the main area of the apartment, Carlos was where he had left him; standing by the sink with a scowl and finishing his water. Logan was still seated behind the counter and donning a calm but slightly annoyed expression, and Sage was at the table frowning, but she smiled softly when Kendall caught her eye.

"Arielle's friends did this to him?" Kendall asked Carlos, not waiting for an answer before he continued. "She's not good for you; for any of us."

"Don't overreact, Kendall. It was some loser friends of hers that she didn't even think were important enough for me to meet… and I met _**tons**_ of people," Carlos spoke with dramatically fake cheer before going back to being exhausted, putting his now empty glass in the sink.

"But they _**are**_ her friends. She hangs around with people that do drugs for fun and get others to do them too… Maybe you shouldn't spend time with her anymore…" Sage suggested warily. She picked at her nails nervously, knowing it wouldn't go over well.

"She's my girlfriend now. I'll spend as much time with her as I want."

They all cringed at the title. It was easier for them to be dismissive of the model, who had questionable motives and a not-so-pleasant personality, when it was just casual between her and Carlos, but now they were getting serious.

"I don't think she's right for you," Logan spoke up cautiously, sounding as if he was breaking bad news.

"How am I supposed to know what's _**right**_ for me? I'm eighteen! I have to try things out and see if they work," Carlos was exasperated, calm, and sad all at the same time. The band's vacation time wasn't panning out very well for him.

"So you're letting her walk all over you and act like an uncaring bitch because you're conducting some sort of experiment?" Kendall let out a short, bitter laugh. Sage didn't reprimand him for his tone that time, knowing that all of their emotions were running high and shifting so fast that they should have whiplash. She lifted herself out of her chair and stood beside him, grabbing his hand and squeezing until she felt him relax.

"Just give me some time, okay?" Carlos sighed and started to slip out of his godforsaken blazer, throwing it over his arm as he walked towards the hallway. "Just have a little faith in me… It'll all work out… Everything will be fine," he didn't wait for them to say anything else. He just disappeared up the staircase and into his room, the rest of the family staying behind and silently hoping that he was right.

* * *

**A/N: I think the opening scene of this was one of my favorites so far :) and then there's the James angst… I love James angst. Did you? ;)**

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this chapter :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I appreciate any feedback and I love meeting fellow readers/fans of BTR. Don't be shy :) Also, if you leave a signed review but don't have private messaging enabled, then I unfortunately can't respond to the review, but I APPRECIATE them all :)**


	44. Big Time Avoidance

**A/N: I'm sorry I'm posting this a few hours later than usual. I had some personal things to deal with that took up my Wed. night and some of Thursday, and it got my writing schedule out of whack, but everything's good now (and it's just a few hours later than I wanted, and it's still Saturday lol :)**

**In this chapter, We're cutting back on the angst (in some ways) and then amping it up (in others lol :) … Also, you're not reading this, nor will you ever *and if you ever do I must be dead or something* but HAPPY 21 st BIRTHDAY to James Maslow :) And this just so happens to be a "James" –centered chapter lol XD**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**SUGGESTION FOR ANGST/ROMANCE: "Something to Sleep to" by **_so-complicated_** :) The first few chapters are extremely captivating and well-written. Go read, and you'll be begging for more of the new fic :)**

**On with PTS! :D Please, enjoy and review :) **

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 44: BIG TIME AVOIDANCE _

* * *

"You can do this, James. Just go out there with your happy face on and be a big boy…"

James spoke to his reflection, placing his hands on either side of the sink and leaning towards the mirror as if it was sucking him in; a heavy sigh making the glass fog up where his lips nearly touched it. He had gotten out of bed over two hours earlier and dragged himself tiredly to the bathroom connected to the kitchen. He wasn't getting much sleep lately; not since he woke up with a too-clear head and a weighted heart after the night he snorted cocaine. Nothing about the minutes following his intake of the powder was left in his memory, just brief images of Hayley and Cody and the sound of the club's music rattling in his brain, but he could remember the discussion with Carlos outside of the club; how he had tried to dodge his own issues and avoid everything like he did best. He also remembered Carlos not buying a word of it and instead being filled with uncharacteristic anger all directed at him.

The most unpleasant image in his head, though, the one that stuck with him constantly, was the look on Logan's face after the fuzzy cab ride home. It was a countenance of betrayal and extreme fury. James' chest still hurt when he thought about the boy shoving him like he did. It was a phantom burn on his skin and ribs that wouldn't leave no matter how hard he tried to extricate it from his mind. He did a lot of bad things in his short life, most of them particularly harsh when it came to Logan because of their differences, but this was probably the worst considering his best friend's past.

Logan's expression that night, his annoyance and hatred, scared him, but something else plagued him even more than that. Something else kept a sting in his abdomen at all times of the day.

James knew he'd be willing to do drugs again if the opportunity presented itself.

He didn't want the aftermath or the consequences of, of course, but those dozens of blissful minutes where he somehow fit in but wasn't really anyone at all were something that he had been searching for; somewhere to hide and stay for a while before he was ready to get back out into the big, bad world that he created in his imagination. He couldn't run from his head fully, not through deflective, inappropriate jokes and not through meaningless sex, but the coke had done the trick. It made him feel light and gone; stress-free in a make-believe land where nothing that was once important mattered anymore. That state was what he had been yearning for ever since they moved to Los Angeles and Sage came back, causing everything to become so real. He never wanted to change it, though. He always wanted to stay in California and keep Sage with them, but escapism called to him louder than anything else other than music and his family, and drugs filled that need.

People labeled Kendall as the leader because of how much control he had and how often he took on everyone else's issues and tried to solve them, but James inadvertently captured and held it all too. He constantly put Carlos, Logan, Kendall, and Sage's problems all before his own. It was easier to focus on them instead of the thoughts and feelings lying dormant within himself.

James blinked slowly, almost as if he expected the image in front of him to change every time his eyelashes met and then sluggishly parted, but it was still him in the mirror. It was fragile and cracked him; covered in a thin layer of beauty and faux calmness. He didn't know how he could look so peaceful, so full of nothing, when there was a storm in his head and chest. It didn't make sense, just like everything else. After hours of getting ready, his wrinkle-free t-shirt clung to his muscular body perfectly, and his hair didn't have a single strand out of place.

It shouldn't be like that. It's not real. It's not how he feels.

He should look disheveled and disgusting, but it was as if his hands worked on their own to make his appearance as close to impossible perfection as he could get even though his mind told him it was a useless lie. He couldn't stop the morning routine just like he couldn't stop himself from snorting the cocaine. He lacked willpower.

That was another thing to add to the list of reasons why he despised himself.

"I wonder if Logie's out there…" James mumbled to his mirror image, desperately hoping the boy wouldn't be in his line of sight when he left the bathroom.

The tension would be impenetrable if he was. Logan could see through him better than Sage could sometimes and James didn't like being genuinely understood, not when he couldn't even figure himself out half of the time. However, since James' night of experimentation with drugs, things weren't the same between them. He had no idea if Logan ever really wanted to see him again, let alone make the effort to try to understand him anymore.

"He usually gets up first, then Sage, and Kendall, and then Carlos…" James continued talking to himself, sanity long forgotten. It wouldn't be ideal if he walked into the kitchen to see only Logan sitting there with no one else to provide a buffer between them.

He lifted his head higher, watching his reflection copy the movement, and stared at the clock that was next to the shelves on the wall behind him. Groaning when he couldn't read the analog contraption correctly as a reversed image, he spun around and studied it. It had been well beyond two hours since he had gotten up by himself, so it was safe to assume that Logan and the others were out and about by now. His chances of being alone were slim, but his chances of being alone with just Logan were about the same, so he decided to suck it up and give it a shot.

James glanced to the shower and tub on his left and then to the door on the other side of the room, acting as if hiding in there all day could be a logical option before rolling his eyes at himself. He had been putting on a show for years, so he was perfectly capable of plastering on a happy face and pretending that nothing was wrong if he did run into Logan, even if it killed him on the inside a little bit each time the encounter went sour. He was the one who messed up, so he had to be the one to let Logan control what happened now. It wasn't his place to be pushy or whiny.

He swallowed thickly and settled his lips into a practiced smile; easy and not gloomy at all but still not completely covering his whole expression. When his hand touched the doorknob, his face almost fell, but he caught it and mentally glued it more securely into place before twisting his hand and pulling the door open. Just like he had anticipated, he wasn't alone. Kendall and Sage sat side by side at the counter, both finishing up bowls of cereal and fully dressed for the day. They stared at James oddly, most likely finding his false smile off-putting, but he wasn't paying attention to them. He was still scanning the room for his biggest stressor.

Carlos was visible beyond Kendall's shoulder. He was reclining on the couch with his legs crossed on the coffee table and his upper body slouched into the cushions. There was a slice of cold pizza in one of his hands, having forgone a traditional breakfast in favor of cheesy leftovers from the fridge, and he had his cell in his other palm; thumb tapping rapidly over the keypad as he texted. His brown eyes darted from the small screen of the device to the larger screen of the television on the wall when a random commercial for food or a dangerous toy would grab his attention. He smiled and nodded at James when he noticed his presence, bright teeth clashing with the bits of pizza in his mouth in a way that only Carlos could make more endearing than disgusting.

James didn't respond much to the look. Instead, he remained cautious; glancing to the right at the hallway and staircase across the open area of the apartment, up to the balcony, and then stupidly to the left even though he knew that there were just blue cabinets and a wall there.

"Logan's not here," Carlos called out, grinning and shaking his head after he swallowed his pizza. The movement of his dark hair contrasted greatly with the carroty colored sofa he was on, catching James' eyes as he had started making a second visual sweep of the apartment.

"Thank god," he slumped and donned his first real smile of the morning, one of relief, and attempted to shake the tension from his shoulders; even bending his knees to make the muscles in his whole body coil and then loosen.

James couldn't have been more thrilled that Logan wasn't home. Their relationship had taken quite a hit when he did drugs, and things had reached a whole new level of angry and edgy between them.

Logan hadn't spoken to James in seven days.

Actually, it was 171 hours according to James' calculations, give or take a few minutes, and that was only because he counted a shake of his friend's head the morning after the incident when James tried to apologize as a form of communication. So, it was probably a few more hours than he really wanted to admit.

Kendall and Sage, two people that had made their own numerous mistakes and had seen some of the darker parts of the world, had forgiven him even before his head hit the pillow after he was put to bed, and Carlos wasn't the type of person to hold a grudge. He was livid when he found James, more aggravated than anyone had ever seen him, but a night's rest had done a lot of good for his mood. After a morning of cartoons, short conversation, a heartfelt apology, and a hug, James and Carlos were back to being the best of friends in the simplest of ways. That was how they always worked; getting on each other's nerves and making mistakes but quickly doling out genuine regret and forgiveness.

Logan was different than them all. He was mad, and it was just like him to hold onto that anger when it came to James; the only one of them that could ever crawl under his skin and make him feel annoyed in ways he never thought possible. Plus, what James had done wasn't so forgivable this time. He didn't make a rude comment or just disregard someone's feelings. He categorically betrayed his friend, knowing what Patrick had done with drugs to destroy his family; to destroy Logan. Honestly, James was surprised that the teen hadn't hit him or shoved him more than once even after he got up in the morning and tried to talk to him. A lot of the time, James felt like beating himself up. He often did that with his mind, but this time it felt like actual fists were a necessary addition. He kept himself calm, though; thinking that no one in the apartment needed to worry even more because of his self-destructive tendencies. So, he suffered in silence.

"Where is he?" James asked as he walked to the fridge with a new ease in his movements, but not all of his tension was gone. He was expecting the explanation of Logan's absence to be solely about him avoiding his ex-friend when he realized that James was in the bathroom and knew he'd come out eventually.

"He went to the library to get some books. He's going to make Kendall learn something," Sage teased her boyfriend after dropping her spoon into her bowl of Cocoa Puffs, nudging his shoulder with her own while he scrunched up his face like he had stubbed his toe; like he was in that much pain at the thought of schoolwork.

James laughed and felt a bit lighter as the seconds passed and things became normal. He stared through the glass of the refrigerator instead of standing with the door open like he usually would, suddenly feeling the need to conserve energy when he could as if it would make Logan proud of him even though he wasn't there and wouldn't even be looking at him if he was. James mentally rolled his eyes at himself for the dumb notion and yanked the door to the fridge open to get a clearer view of what was inside. As he looked at the various items on the shelves, Kendall continued the conversation, and James did his best to not remember that he only needed an explanation in the first place because he was so out of the loop when it came to Logan.

"We're working on our science report tonight," Kendall twirled his spoon in the air with false enthusiasm and ignored the rivulets of milk that were dripping down because of the gesture until they actually made contact with his hand. He jumped slightly at the coldness on his skin, but he hastily remedied the situation by licking away the drops.

"Oh, fuck. I almost forgot about that thing…" Carlos looked worried for just a moment, his body stiffening on the couch, but then he shrugged indifferently and ripped at the crust of his pizza after realizing that the report wasn't due for a few more days. He and James were partners, just like Kendall and Logan, but, unlike the pair with the genius, they were model procrastinators; a skill that only increased when they were met with the task of a written assignment.

"Logan sure didn't," Kendall groaned and pouted.

He wasn't actually against school, but the priorities in his everyday life had shifted drastically in the last several months, and his mind never seemed to want to focus on things like homework. He had dodged Logan's attempts at getting him to do his work before, but now didn't feel like the right time to use that tactic again. The ongoing silence between him and James had them all split up emotionally. However, Sage, Carlos, and Kendall hadn't physically chosen sides and they worked hard to make both boys happy, when it was possible, while they waited for them to figure it out amongst themselves.

"What's yours on?" James inquired conversationally as he picked up an orange that sat on the top shelf of the fridge. It felt good to talk freely, but he still wished Logan could have been a part of that sensation. He stood over the garbage and bit into the skin of the fruit just enough to dig a good spot to start peeling, ignoring the bitter taste, and then used his thumb to tear at the rough exterior and drop the pieces of skin into the trash below him.

"We're gonna write about the planets or some shit," Kendall shrugged, having gotten over the initial frustration. "The universe is boring," he jerked his head back and furrowed his brow as if he just figured the fact out for the first time; like he had just begun to ponder how Logan even talked him into that topic. He probably should have listened more carefully to his friend when they were sitting in class after Miss Collins explained the assignment.

"Everything is boring in science," James countered playfully. He had finished peeling his orange and moved over to lean on the counter across from the couple eating cereal, ripping off a sheet of paper towel from the roll beside the sink and placing it down before sectioning off the fruit.

"You, my best friend, make a wonderful point," Kendall smirked good-naturedly and lifted himself out of his stool, keeping his feet on the bar of it to stay balanced as he held his upper body forward to bump fists with James.

"If you guys keep up that attitude, I'm not so sure that you're gonna graduate in December," Sage grinned over her cereal bowl as she brought it to her lips to finish off the remaining milk.

The four of them had gotten off track during their boy band transformation and move to L.A., but they were set to finish high school in a couple of months. It was something that she really wanted for them since she had been robbed of the opportunity herself when Elliot made her drop out. Even though it didn't torment her constantly, having had more than enough time to get over it and plenty of other more pressing issues to deal with, she still missed school sometimes. Many of her favorite days in North Dakota were spent in a staircase of Ramsey High with Kendall or sitting at a desk and being invisible while completing menial tasks such as comprehension questions or working through logarithms, but that was all before the changes Elliot ushered in; before the last thread of normalcy she had hooked herself onto was torn.

Despite this, she didn't let what she missed out on bother her. She had a job now, a purpose and a reason to be useful instead of just there. It felt good to not be weak and controlled like she was with Elliot. Yes, he took care of her, but he did it too severely and sinisterly. It left no room for her to be anything but his.

"Why do we even really need to finish school? You didn't," Carlos piped up from the couch. His face was innocent, having thought that he was knowledgably making an argument before he remembered the circumstances. Then his face fell. "Okay, bad example," he smiled apologetically at Sage, who merely waved her hand and laughed when he dropped his phone while trying to juggle it and his last bite of pizza as he sat up and took his feet off of the coffee table.

"You guys need to get your diploma because your moms would kick your asses if you didn't," Sage gave them a reason that they could understand and grab onto through their I-hate-school fog and spun in her stool so she could see all three of them while she took her bowl into her hand and stood.

"My beautiful girlfriend makes a valid point. James just seems stupid now," Kendall insisted, jokingly taking back the praise he had given the boy earlier. Sage snickered and pinched his side with her free hand, only halfheartedly attempting to retreat when he grabbed onto her hip and dropped a sound kiss to her neck before she slipped away and took his empty bowl from in front of him. She went to the sink beside James, who shook his head as he chewed on a wedge of the orange he had peeled.

"Suck up," James taunted Kendall with a smirk after swallowing his food, and he helpfully took the bowls from Sage's hands once she finished rinsing them. After speedily placing them into the dishwasher, he stuck his hand under the faucet and flicked a few drops of water at the teen across the counter.

"Ass…" Kendall growled at him unconvincingly and brought his fingers down to curl at the bottom of his shirt, bending his torso and meeting the fabric halfway as he lifted it up to wipe off his face.

Sage left the water running and had stopped moving, making James look at her after laughing at Kendall. Her eyes weren't on the dishes anymore. They were on her boyfriend, studying the good view she had of his bare abs as he hunched forward and pressed his shirt against his face. James elbowed her gently and her attention snapped to him immediately to see that he was raising a sculpted eyebrow at her and wearing an annoying, knowing grin. She glared at him, her body close enough so that he could almost literally feel the stare of her emerald eyes burning holes into his hazel ones, and then she shook her head faintly; a quick jerk just enough for him to see. It all happened in a second or two, and then she was shoving a plate from the sink into James' hands. He simply rolled his eyes and put it in the bottom rack of the dishwasher after eating another piece of orange. Sage donned a cheery smile and redirected the conversation in fear of James saying something about what he saw when she just wanted him to keep his mouth shut.

"What are you two doing for your project?" she looked at Carlos. He had finally finished his pizza, but he continued to text on his phone as he walked towards them and lamely attempted to clean his hand on the thigh of his jeans before jumping sloppily into the empty stool beside Kendall, who was lowering his shirt and teetering unsteadily when Carlos jostled him.

"James wants to do it on chemistry…." Carlos stopped using his phone and placed it on the countertop, giving everyone but James a smile; acting as if he were delivering a joke.

"Really?" Kendall questioned skeptically, looking between Carlos next to him and James over the counter. He had been expecting more of a copout, such as writing about the science of making a good piece of toast.

"Yeah, he says that we're gonna study the composition of his Cuda hair products," Carlos explained further, allowing Sage and Kendall to understand exactly why he was smiling slyly as if he was trying not to laugh at his hair-care obsessed friend. He thought it was funny, but he really was doing his best not to make fun of James since he had already agreed to the topic, and it wasn't like he had any better ideas. James merely shrugged, kicked the dishwasher closed, and ripped off another wedge of the orange.

"It's the only chemically thing I know anything about," he said it like they should have known it already. Carlos almost delivered a snappy retort, but then his phone buzzed on the countertop; crawling a few inches towards the wall because of the vibration. "Who have you been texting like a madman?" James wondered, Sage and Kendall turning towards the boy out of curiosity too. He had been tapping away at his phone ever since he emerged from his room just before Logan left for the library.

"Arielle," Carlos answered simply, making an attempt to sound nonchalant for all of their sakes.

She was his new girlfriend, but she was also a sore subject since she helped put James in the position she did with little to no regret on her part. It also didn't help that the others had made what they thought of her very clear. Carlos could see their points, that she probably wasn't the best influence, but he also liked to give each and every person he came across the benefit of the doubt, and that included Arielle Prescott. She was sweet to him. She listened to his crazy stories. She acted as if she actually wanted him around, which differed from most of the girls he had encountered in Hollywood, and Arielle just plain liked him and asked him to go places with her. He didn't have to pursue her, and he enjoyed that. He just didn't necessarily know whether or not her adamantly chasing him and wiggling into his life was a good thing or a bad thing yet. Her friends giving James drugs was a huge strike against her, but Carlos forgave her after she explained that she had no idea Cody and Hayley were going to do what they did, and she also insisted that she had stopped talking to them because of it. Carlos considered that an apology even though she had never directly given him and his family one. It was good enough for him simply because it was something.

"Oh, how i-is she?" Kendall coughed and tried to cover up the fumble in his words. He didn't want them to sound forced, but they all knew they were. He hadn't liked the model since day one.

"She's fine, Kendall. Thank you for asking," Carlos retorted with just as much fakeness as his friend used, putting on a smirk before his expression fell and he bit his lip. "She's actually going to a party tonight, and she invited all of us again… I'm going… and, I guess, this is me politely asking if you guys want to go too…" he trailed off awkwardly, his gaze landing immediately on James when Sage and Kendall's did.

James stopped chewing on the fruit he had in his mouth, the cold substance irritating his tongue, and he suddenly felt like he was taking some sort of test. Carlos was asking to be nice, but Sage and Kendall were understandably still going to decline the invitation just like they did last time. Kendall and Logan were staying in for the night to work on their project, and Sage wasn't about to be suddenly cured of all her discomforts and put herself in a mass of drunken strangers. The question was obviously directed more towards James to see what he would do; to see if he'd jump at the chance for another party after what had happened the last time he went out in Arielle's world.

"I can't… I don't really feel like getting into trouble again. Plus, I have a date with Sage anyway," James spoke confidently and quickly, ignoring the pinch in his gut that told him he wanted to fly high and escape. Instead of focusing on it, he came up with something to fill his time for that night.

"And when did we become an item?" Sage asked in confusion as her eyes widened and her mouth opened and closed, staring at James like he could be on drugs again.

"You're not dating my girlfriend," Kendall protested with a full-blown smile, already knowing what his friend was up to and figuring he'd play along.

"Fine, bad choice of words, but _**please**_, Sage! Let me take you out tonight. We'll go to a movie. I need something safe but fun to do that doesn't involve staying here," he went to grab her hand in humorous earnest, but he stopped when he realized that he was still holding a piece of orange and his fingers were covered in citrus liquid. He scowled and wiped his hands haphazardly on the paper towel beneath his breakfast, which was closer to lunch considering how late they woke up because it was a Saturday, and ended up shoving the whole setup into the sink when he got too frustrated to deal with it. His nerves were jumping. He needed Sage to agree to distract him.

"Why?" she chuckled as she snatched the ruined fruit out of the wet sink and spun around to dump it in the garbage can.

"Because Logan is going to be here tonight. Therefore, I shouldn't be," he admitted with a sigh, grinding his teeth when he forced his lips to not turn into anything resembling a frown.

He was just trying to get out of playing the same game that he and Logan had played all week. It was a game of avoidance. Actually, it was more like Logan did whatever he would usually do while James would end up feeling so uncomfortable because of the deafening quiet and lack of communication that he'd leave just so he could breathe and get the anxiety to go away. James had tried on multiple occasions, especially in the first few days, to speak directly to Logan, but he stopped after realizing that he would be met with silence and indifference each time. Every look that was dodged and every word that wasn't responded to hurt him and had him feeling sick, so he backed off. The only time their voices sounded off together now was in the studio, where Logan strived to remain professional and James just struggled to keep going most of the time.

"If Kendall's fine with it then I am too, but you're paying," Sage gave in once she comprehended his anxiety-induced reasoning and ripped off a section of paper towel to dry her hands, giving the large piece to James so he could follow suit.

"Uh, I'm a gentleman. We always shell out money for our ladies," James playfully scoffed at Sage, as if she should have expected nothing less. Carlos snorted while the blonde beside him just tilted his head and narrowed his eyes.

"First of all, you are the farthest thing from a gentleman," Kendall reminded James, who didn't argue. He just waited for him to continue. "Second, can you promise to keep your hands to yourself?" Kendall didn't even try to hide the grin on his face when James relaxed and rolled his eyes, having thought that he was going to meet actual resistance only to see that Kendall was messing with him.

"If that's what my date wants," James huffed, acting as if he was being exasperated by the fact that he couldn't make a move on Sage like he would on most of the other females he encountered.

"Yes, that's what she wants," Sage interjected and jabbed him lightly in the ribs, giggling when he tried to latch onto her wrists only to miss when she pulled back quickly enough to evade him.

"Fine, you can go out with my girlfriend," Kendall laughed along with Sage and Carlos when James pumped his fist in the air, none of them noticing when the door to the apartment opened.

"I said it before and I'll say it again, this family is way too close," Logan chuckled, having heard Kendall's statement. He stood in the open doorway, a smile on his face as he struggled to yank his key out of the lock while juggling a stack of books in his arms.

James' own smile was gone and his upbeat nature deflated. At his friend's entrance, he fell silent; something he had started to condition himself to do when he was around Logan. All eyes but the ones he wanted were on him, like they were waiting for him to do something. He squirmed where he stood but then jumped into action, racing past Sage and over to where Logan was at the door. He stayed quiet but involved as he reached out to help the boy wrestling with his keys and books. However, Logan seemed to feel his presence. He hurriedly ripped his key from the lock and elbowed the door shut before successfully and smoothly making his way around James; almost as if he wasn't even really there.

The whole room frowned at once, but Logan just blinked calmly and kept walking with a light demeanor that James hoped was fake. He hoped it wasn't that easy for his brother to be truly cheerful while pretending James didn't exist.

"Are we gonna have to read all of those?" Kendall steered the focus away from James by putting it on the text in Logan's hands, wishing that it would alleviate some of the tension that continuously found its way into 2J.

"Parts of them," Logan laughed at Kendall's forlorn tone when it came to reading, and James just flinched at how simple the boy's happiness sounded.

Logan organized all of the books he borrowed from the library after putting them down on the dining table. He ignored James so effortlessly; no looks or gestures ever evident. He just went about his business like James was literally gone or invisible even if it required him to move around him to get somewhere. It was a bit childish, maybe, but he really was a child the last time someone important to him hurt and destroyed him with drugs. No one could blame him for trying to protect himself.

James also thought it served as a proper punishment for what he had done; getting involved with narcotics when he knew what it did to Logan. Perhaps he even knew a little more than the others when it came to the emotional effects it had on him after several discussions between the two about parents letting their children down. James felt like he deserved the silent treatment. It could have been a lot worse. He didn't know exactly how, but he was sure that there were worse things in the world than not hearing your brother acknowledge you for a week straight. At least, that's what he kept telling himself.

"What have you guys been up to while I was gone?" Logan noticed the quiet atmosphere and did what he could to get the others talking again, even if it meant cordial and lame questions that were asked with a forced smile. He was about as happy as James was, but he stubbornly refused to give in after deciding that not saying anything to the boy was the best choice out of all of his options.

James knew that the inquiry wasn't directed at him, so he kept his mouth shut and stood near the door; feeling like he didn't belong in the room anymore now that Logan was home and still going on with his charade.

"I'm going to a party with Arielle tonight, and I invited James, but he said no," Carlos informed him jovially, thinking that Logan might be impressed by James' new resilience enough to say something, anything, to the teen. James bit the inside of his cheek, praying that it would work, but Logan just looked at Carlos and didn't make a single move to shift his eyes in the tallest boy's direction.

"That's nice," he stopped sorting the books to look up at Carlos. No one noticed how his fingers clenched into a fist when he swore that he heard James' heart plummet in disappointment from across the room. It was getting harder to remain strong. "Have fun, but not too much fun, and don't forget about your own project. I'm not staying up late Monday night to help you finish it before the deadline," Logan continued with a grin and then went back to the books; flipping a few pages of the top one coolly.

"G-Got it, Logie…" Carlos faltered slightly. He smiled sadly at James, feeling bad for yet another failed attempt.

"I'm, um… I'm gonna go out for a little while, maybe take a walk or work on my tan," James announced awkwardly, shoving his hands into the pockets of his designer jeans and looking at each of his friends; lingering more on Logan. The boy finished stacking the books into neat, organized piles on the table and then wordlessly strolled to the couch. He flopped down onto the furniture and grabbed the remote Carlos had left stuck between two of the cushions. He swiftly tuned into the History Channel to watch a documentary on an animal James never heard of.

Kendall, Carlos, and Sage all looked crestfallen, but they couldn't do anymore. They had tried many times to make Logan talk to James with no results other than frustration before they gave up and decided to let it run its course, not wanting to make it any worse by pushing. They had faith that the two feuding parts of their family would work it out like they always managed to, even if nothing as unsettling as this had ever happened before.

"Bye, James…" Kendall waved gloomily as Carlos slipped out of his stool and sluggishly joined Logan on the couch, not wanting him to feel alone either; not wanting to take sides. Sage sighed audibly but just leaned against the sink.

"What time are we going on our date?" she joked softly, pleased when it brightened James' demeanor just enough to see a hint of an honest smile creep onto his face.

"I haven't decided yet. Don't hound me, woman," he teased back, but his heart wasn't fully into it. Sage chuckled lightly and nodded as James backed towards the door, still feeling the need to run and breathe different air. "See you later, guys," he spoke, keeping his farewell broad on purpose just so he knew Logan understood that he was directing it to him as well as the others; yet another instance of James offhandedly begging him to say something. Logan's only response was increasing the volume of the television.

James tried not to take it to heart. He failed, but he did try. Holding his breath, he opened the door and didn't exhale until he was in the hallway and fully out of the apartment. He hated feeling so inactive, so weak, when he was used to constantly striving for something. He didn't like waiting, and it was particularly rough when he wasn't so sure that the outcome he wanted would ever happen. It was possible that Logan could give him the silent treatment until the day he died.

Only taking his hands out of his pockets and lifting his head once to press the call button on the elevator, James made it to the lobby in a matter of seconds. He glanced at the pool, but not even the warm California sunshine glistening on the water improved his mood, and he kept stumbling over his own feet because of how slow he was moving, so he decided to plant his ass in the nearest chair and stop walking before he ended up hurting himself or someone else. Bitters studied him from behind his desk for a moment before shrugging and yelling at a boy younger than him for running in the area, but no one else looked James' way.

He was actually starting to believe that he might have really turned invisible, like Logan's treatment of him had manifested into something twistedly real.

"You look like the last puppy left in the window at Pet Smart," Camille tilted her head and analyzed him as she shuffled the stack of mail she held in her hands. She was walking back up to her apartment when she spotted her pitiful friend sprawled in the seating area across from Bitters' station; a leg over one arm of the chair and his head practically touching the other because of how much he was slumping.

"Hello to you too, Cam," James mumbled dejectedly, attempting to sink further into the plush furniture until he realized that he was already as crammed in as he could get, but then he fully comprehended who he was talking to; who she was to the very person he wanted to know the most about right now. "I mean, hi, Camille!" He fell off of the chair altogether when he flailed and tried to get out of the position he had forced himself into.

She stood there smirking, not flinching at all when he collapsed onto his hands and knees between the coffee table and the chair before jumping back up animatedly and brushing himself off. His smile was bright and excited now that he was presented with a new possibility of getting to the friend that was ignoring him.

"So, how's it going?" he clasped his hands together and leaned towards her zealously with the most winning grin he could muster up. Camille's eyebrows scrunched together, mentally deciphering the boy's actions, and then she smirked again and sat in the chair across from James' previous one.

"Just ask me whatever it is you _**really**_ wanna ask me," she pushed her shoulders into the seat so that her dark hair splayed out against it, and she gracefully held the mail in her lap; gearing up for what James had to say. He nodded slowly, calming himself and resuming his sitting position with more poise this time.

"Has Logan, maybe, said anything about me to you?" he pressed his lips together in anticipation and raised his eyebrows as he bent forward towards Camille, who didn't look amused anymore.

"Okay, correction, don't ask me a question you know I can't answer," she appeared regretful but also strictly set on her decision.

Camille knew about everything that had been going on. It wasn't hard to get all of the information she needed after spending only a short amount of time with the family of apartment 2J throughout the week. She hadn't chosen one side over the other, but of course she was keeping her boyfriend's confidence. She couldn't just tell James everything he had spoken to her about in private.

"Why not? Yes or no… It's so simple!" James groaned, not really expecting Camille to actually give in to the whining but feeling the need to do it anyway in order to vent his frustration. He found himself falling back into the chair and sinking down, not doing his spine any favors once again. Silence had hardly set in before he began rambling. "I don't know what to do anymore. Everything is screwed up with all of us, and it's my fault. Sage and me are okay, but she's not gonna tell me anything that Logan says even though I know she talks to him about this stuff because they talk about everything. Kendall is really cool about it all since he understands mental breakdowns better than most of us, and Carlos is Carlos. He already forgave me 'cause he has this way of knowing what I really mean when I say and do stupid things. He just gets me, but Logan…. Logie hasn't spoken to me in over seven days now, and I'm not sure that I can stay sane anymore!" James breathed in and out heavily after his rant, letting everything in his mind leave for once instead of talking to himself in the mirror and acting like he wasn't dying inside.

"So you're using me as an informant?" Camille inquired teasingly, her smile depressing and understanding but still holding a bit of light that he appreciated.

"Yeah," he laughed breathlessly and folded his hands over his stomach as he kicked his legs up on the coffee table, wordlessly daring Bitters to yell at him and start a screaming match that he was already prepared to win because of his nasty mood, but the hotel manager was too busy flipping through a magazine to notice him. "Sorry about that," he added softly, looking how he honestly felt since she first walked up to him.

Camille smiled back easily, always finding it natural and uncomplicated when she interacted with James. She understood him because she understood dramatics. She understood outward appearances versus inward emotions, and she could see James battling those two opposing factors every day; much like she did in her field of work. However, there were a few important differences. She did what she did for her profession while James did it for reasons only known by him.

"It's alight… but maybe you should just try talking to Logan some more," Camille suggested in what she hoped was a helpful way even though she was pretty sure it wasn't.

"That's impossible. I can't talk to him and avoid him at the same time," James chuckled like she had told him a joke, doing his best to lighten the mood after having already ranted with too much honesty for his liking.

"Is that why you're down here moping by yourself? You're avoiding Logan now?" Camille sighed and leaned forward, her pile of mail getting trapped between her abdomen and thighs as she hunched. "That's not going to help either one of you. It's just gonna make more of the same happen…"

"That's the problem! He's not changing a fuckin' thing. If he's doing anything at all, he's getting even better at acting like I don't exist! I need to stay away from him because it's too uncomfortable to just stand there and not be seen or heard," James threw his hands in the air and then let them fall heavily back into his lap with a thud.

"Okay, okay…" Camille rose up again and made her tone more serene after James' second rant in less than two minutes. "You want something to kill time?" she stood and walked around to him, holding her palm outward and wiggling her fingers until the forlorn boy weakly grabbed her hand and let her pull him up. "My agent sent me a new script today," she stepped back so she could tug James away from the seating area as she waved a thick, blue book from the top of her bunch of mail. "It's a movie audition, a starring role…" she informed him with a sideways glance, still having to drag his distraught form in order to make him move at a normal speed until they got to the elevator.

"A movie? Like a real movie, not a straight to TV thing?" James' eyes shined a little bit at the thought, always having been interested in acting and all of Camille's opportunities for new roles. A shot at a big production could set her on an amazing career path.

"Yup, the audition process is going to take a while, but the right people saw my work in that television spot I did over the summer and they want to give me a chance at this to see if I can cut it," Camille bit her lip and smiled, obviously trying to contain her mix of excitement and terror. "Will you help me go over the script? You can be the broody, male lead…" she offered enthusiastically in an attempt to entice him into assisting her, detaching her hand from James' so she could press the button at the elevator.

"Why are you making it sound like I'd turn you down?" he laughed as the doors opened. He wrapped his arm over the actress' shoulders and squeezed her against him playfully before guiding her onto the elevator. "I love reading all of your scripts with you. It gives me something fun to do outside of music… and now it helps me avoid Logan," James smiled triumphantly and hit the button with the number five on it so they could head up to Camille's apartment.

"You're going to have to deal with Logan eventually, you know…" she reminded him carefully, staring at him out of the corner of her eye and not wanting to push him back into the mood she had found him in. James just shrugged and kept his smile, feeling more useful and relaxed than he ever had in the last several days.

"Yeah, but not today."

* * *

"So, what do people actually do at movies?" James tossed a piece of popcorn into his mouth and munched on it as he scanned the large theater surrounding him and Sage.

"They watch them…" she answered him slowly and perplexedly, sipping on the blue slushie he had bought her and staring at him like he was in the middle of growing a second head. James kept moving his eyes around the still-lit room as if he was trying to solve a puzzle. "I'm not understanding the confusion," Sage admitted and moved her own vision over the area like she could figure it out.

They were sitting all the way in the back of the theater and situated in a corner, with Sage along the wall so that she felt secure in the fact that no one could come up behind her once the lights dimmed. James was in the seat next to her and he was more than ready to shoo away anyone who even tried to sit in the same small row as them. He took his role as Sage's protector very seriously when it was just the two of them going somewhere. He had kept his arm around her during the whole walk to the cinema that was closest to the Palm Woods, and he had an eye on anyone who got too close or made her tense up beside him. Sage had naturally been on edge, but she was getting better and working through it, and she was completely normal by the time they sat down and the short journey was over. Now James seemed to be the one with the problem, the one with agitated nerves.

"It's just… Normally, when I'm here, I'm in the back row of some mostly-empty theater with my hand up a girl's skirt and inching towards third base," James dug more of the popcorn out of the bucket on his lap and frowned in restlessness; shifting in his seat and watching a few other people continue to file into the room before the movie started. He felt off, like he wasn't himself, not that he really knew who that technically was anyway.

"Don't get any ideas," Sage smirked at him, her eyes still instinctively looking at each newcomer that walked by whether it was a group of kids or an elderly couple.

"Ha, ha," James mocked her dryly, only letting a grin creep onto his face when he tossed a piece of popcorn in her direction.

"Just watch the screen, James. It's not that difficult," she picked up the snack that landed on her leg and popped it into her mouth as she gave the advice, but James still appeared disgruntled.

"But… I feel weird here. It's like I can't remember how to do things like normal people do to relax and have fun," he huffed and propped his feet on the back of an empty chair in front of him.

"So you need sex, alcohol, and drugs to relax?" Sage tilted her head and spun in her seat enough to stare at him seriously.

"Yes!" James said a little too loudly, finally feeling like someone was understanding him, but then he realized how bad the answer sounded; how crazy it made him. "Wait… maybe… I don't know…" he groaned and felt like burying his head in the bucket of popcorn and never coming back out into the real world, but he settled on dropping his chin to his chest and staring at the sticky floor just behind the view of his raised legs.

"How can you be the sweetest guy but still be such an idiot?" Sage appeared pained. James was the biggest enigma she had ever been met with. He pushed people away but then begged them to never leave. He also tried relentlessly to save others but tended not to do the right thing for his own sanity.

"I ask myself that every day," he snickered humorlessly and rolled his head to the side to look at Sage. "Sometimes I'm just simple, happy James, and then other times I'm _**James Diamond**_," he pronounced his name with boisterous authority, chest puffing before it deflated completely and he rocked back in his seat.

"Why can't you be both at once?" Sage questioned him, but it was more like she was begging him; pleading for him to try to heal the cracks he created in his own mind out of a fear of the things that same mind had fabricated. James had a way of making the world more complicated than what it needed to be; making it more threatening to him than it actually was. He feared failure, ridicule, and judgment all before he was really met with them. Avoidance was his most useful tactic when he protected himself from potential dangers.

"I haven't figured out how to mesh them together yet," James shrugged and took his eyes off of hers.

"What if you never do?" she proposed, trying to make him see what a shaky path he was taking.

"Then I'll have to choose," he murmured, but his voice was still clear enough for her to hear because of the lack of a huge crowd in the theater. The only noises other than the people were the soft sounds of generic music that accompanied the random facts about Hollywood moving across the screen.

"But in the meantime you'll be one, sane person at home and another sex-crazed, asshole when you go out?" Sage shook her head and grinned merely due to how ridiculous it came off when someone explained James aloud.

"Why are you so fuckin' observant?" James whined and dug his hand back into the popcorn, loathing the fact that she had analyzed him so quickly; learning what the others had neglected to see in just a matter of months. Maybe it was because she was a girl. Her examination of an overly horny and careless teenage boy was bound to yield different results than those of his male friends.

"That's all I did for a long time. I didn't talk to people growing up. I just walked through life and watched everyone else live it," Sage looked down and moved the straw around in her cup.

"I live life too hard and you don't live it enough… When are we gonna meet in the middle?" James smiled tiredly, realizing how damaged they both were.

"Whenever I stop being terrified by things that aren't supposed to scare me and you stop screwing everything that moves simply for the sake of getting off and not wanting to care about anything for a while," Sage said wryly before taking another sip of the blue drink in her hand.

"Look at you, talking about fucking. So brave," James wiped a faux tear from his eye. He really was happy to see her improving more each day, but she knew that wasn't why he said it. He was deflecting the focus onto her, and it meant that he was through talking about his own troubles for now. Thinking that he had a hard enough week without her pushing him anymore, she let him redirect the conversation without a fight.

"I'm getting there…" she confessed with a quirk of her shoulders. She did feel different, perhaps she'd call it a little more fearless than she used to be.

"Are you?" he wondered more genuinely, his smile turning soft and less teasing.

"Am I what?"

"Getting there… with Kendall again…" he waved his hand towards Sage as if it explained what he was referring to, but she didn't need the clarifying gesture after he mentioned her boyfriend. She knew he was talking about their paused sex life. James was especially curious after catching her staring at Kendall earlier in the day.

"Oh," she nodded and bit down on her straw in thought before answering. "We've only gotten about as far as we did before. I'm still nervous, of course, but he's scared… After last time, he worries about hurting me again," she sulked, sinking lower into her seat when she thought about Kendall; about how guilty he looked for wanting to be with her.

"He's stupid," James giggled as he threw a few pieces of popcorn into the air and tried to catch them in his mouth only to have Sage swat them away before he succeeded.

"You used to worry about the same thing with me. Different details, yeah, but still the same gist," Sage reminded him, remembering the conflict they had when they started therapy together and he refused to even upset her emotionally.

"Whatever," James rolled his eyes and kept a smirk on his face, unwilling to fall into a snare and start talking about himself again. "So, are you saying that Kendall can't perform?" he almost let out a hearty laugh at his own banter, but he ended up exhaling a gust of air when the back of Sage's hand connected harshly with his chest.

"Kendall is always capable and way more than adequate," she grinned and scolded him with a glare. "He just always stops himself before we get too far. Well, actually, it's more like I stop him because I can see that he's on the verge of another meltdown…" she shivered at the idea of seeing Kendall upset again. It was painful to realize how much he had torn himself apart over being with her intimately after all Elliot had done. They agreed to let things just happen, but now they were in a standstill of sorts; neither one of them knowing when the right time would be.

"So don't stop him," James suggested simply, causing Sage to blink in astonishment at how easy he made the interaction sound.

"But what if he- " she started to protest weakly but was cut off by James.

"He'll be fine as long as you keep showing him how fine _**you**_ are. Take control. Don't put it all on him," he explained, joking manner now completely set aside.

"That's not a bad idea. I could- " Sage stopped herself when the lights dimmed and she remembered where they were. The two had gotten so into their discussion that they hadn't noticed the room filling up a bit more and that there were plenty of people around, people who could have heard them talking about something that wasn't appropriate for such a public place. "This is so embarrassing," she hissed softly, moving down in her seat and feeling her face heat up while she glanced around to see if anyone was staring at them. James just laughed at her sudden shift in attitude. "You're a jerk for not stopping me…"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm a bad influence… But I still give good advice," he whispered proudly as the audience hushed and the opening credits flashed on the screen.

"How can you give it but never take any for yourself?" she leaned towards him, still lowered in her seat.

"Shh! The movie's starting," he hushed her and kept his eyes forward as he began his practice of evasion.

"You can't keep avoiding the important questions," she mumbled. Her focus didn't leave him and he finally turned to look at her with a small smile that was more bitter than happy.

"I know, but it's still kinda fun to see how long I can last."

* * *

"I thought you were working on a project today?" Camille opened her door after she heard a soft knock to see her boyfriend on the other side.

"I was, but I gave Kendall a break when he started annoying me. When he's super bored he does this loud sighing thing that makes me want to choke him. Especially after he does it more than twenty times," Logan grinned and kissed Camille gently, cupping the side of her neck and tangling his fingers in her dark hair before she moved aside and let him into the apartment. "I gave him thirty minutes to play mindless video games, and then we're hitting the books again, but I wanted to say hello to my girl since we haven't had a chance to see each other lately," he smiled warmly and looked around the apartment.

He had been in it on a few random occasions, mostly when he'd go to pick her up and she needed to finish getting ready. He thought that it would be terrifying for him to be in there after the thoughts he had about them moving forward with their relationship a week earlier, but the occurrences of everything that followed that panic attack had taken his mind as far away from sex as it could get. The pain James caused him took over all of his thoughts even though he tried to pretend it wasn't ripping him apart.

"What have you been up to?" he scanned the room curiously just to see what Camille was doing in the last few days.

He wished he could have spent more time with her, but as soon as Gustavo got back from his trip he had them holed up in the studio for numerous hours each day; having most likely gotten a figurative shove by the higher-ups of the company to push the boys harder. It was that, or he merely missed yelling at them. Either way, there was little time for things other than work and school.

Camille had a small pot of water boiling on the stove and a box of instant macaroni and cheese ready to cook beside it. Her kitchen's setup was similar to his, a counter with stools to sit at connected to the living room, and the top of it was covered in notebooks, a laptop, and a large script.

"I've got this new audition lined up for a big movie," she told him happily, smiling from ear to ear. "I'm taking a few minutes for dinner, but I'm on a roll with it so far. Earlier, James and I read through it, and that helped me get in the right mindset to- "

"Whoa! What? You sheltered the enemy?" Logan squealed. He had been gazing at the notebooks on the counter when he really heard what she was saying, and it was then that he noticed James' distinctive, sloppy yet straight handwriting on some of the pages.

His first reaction was anger mixed with exasperation, but after a second thought, he really didn't think he should have been surprised. Even before he got the guts to ask Camille out, she and James were close and they bonded easily over numerous things he couldn't do with her. Plus, the actress never turned down a chance to help a friend, especially if she had seen James looking so alone. That carefree sweetness was just in her nature.

"He's not your enemy, Logan. He's your brother," Camille reminded him sternly, crossing her arms in disapproval at his tone. At the beginning, she had supported him and his silence towards James because she knew that he was just upset, but it had been going on for way longer than necessary, and it was beginning to reach a cruel level.

Logan opened his mouth and then shut it, fighting to find words as he calmed down; his once aggravated demeanor lessening into a feeling of numbness.

"I don't know if- Brothers don't hurt their family the way he did," he swallowed the forming lump in his throat and crossed his arms just as Camille uncrossed hers. She approached him, putting her hands on his wrists and urging him to meet her eyes.

"Yes, they do because they're human. We all make mistakes," she smiled slightly and used her hand to tilt his chin up when he tried to break eye contact again.

"James has made _**so**_ many, though," he squirmed away from her and laughed airily, making it sound more like he was trying not to cry as he pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes.

"But you were able to forgive him every time, right?" Camille didn't let her boyfriend get far. She gently took his hands away from his face, and he didn't tug against the hold as she clasped them in her own. As she waited for Logan to say something, the room fell silent except for the forgotten water on the stove; rapidly boiling away and making a rippling and sizzling sound.

"This is different… He did something that he _**knew**_ would break me apart," he murmured exhaustedly. He just wanted to see his girlfriend for a few minutes. He hadn't been expecting to confront what he avoided all week; what he had stubbornly denied acknowledging even when the others pressed him.

"Did you ever stop to think that he didn't even consider you at all, that he didn't even think about himself? James was thoughtless, but he's crying out for help, and I know you're not the type to turn him away," Camille unlatched one of her hands from his and ran her fingers through his hair comfortingly. He leaned into the touch and lowered his voice, but he didn't fully give up the fight.

"Why does it always have to be me that forgives him?" he complained childishly, bending at the knees and jostling his body with a pout that made Camille giggle faintly.

"Because you're the one who always holds a grudge with him, and he's the one that pisses you off like no one else can, but you guys love each other. You can't throw that away like your dad did. Look at how long it took for you to reconcile with Patrick and how much you missed out on because of it. That can't be you and James… It would destroy all five of you…" she squeezed his hand when he sucked in a breath at the thought. She didn't want him to have regrets because he couldn't get past his anger. He didn't deserve anymore loss in his life.

"I… I don't know what to say to him… He scares me sometimes. He makes me think that he's more trouble than he's worth, that he'll hurt me like- He'll disappoint me after I counted on him," Logan clenched his jaw tightly to battle the stinging in his eyes. He wanted to appear brave and unaffected, but Camille didn't buy the act. She pulled him into a hug, her thin arms wrapping around his neck as she stood on the tips of her toes.

"It doesn't matter what you say to him, Logan. He just wants to hear you."

* * *

The occupants of 2J stared out the large window behind the couch, television long forgotten as uncharacteristically dark clouds rolled in and dulled the mid-day sky. Thunder boomed in the distance and lighting cracked through the grayness high above. The entire morning had looked crappy, random showers and continuous depressing clouds moving over Los Angeles. That much rain wasn't normal for this time of year, most of the worst weather being expected in the months of winter and early spring. It wasn't exactly impossible, but the chances of it were so slim that both James and Logan felt like the whole earth was conspiring against them; including Mother Nature herself.

Downpours had the out-of-touch friends and Kendall, Carlos, and Sage inside of the apartment, lying around on the couch in boredom and thick awkwardness. James had thought about escaping to the lobby, but then he remembered that he'd have nothing to do other than have Bitters glare at him. He also considered hiding in his bedroom before he remembered that anything but staying and sucking it up would be counterproductive if he really wanted Logan's indifference to break. So, he spent the morning trying to act normal, which meant sitting beside Logan and even talking to him, but he was met with no answer. He did, however, notice a little bit of a change. Instead of making it look easy every time, he could have sworn that he saw the quiet brunette glance in his direction once or twice; which he considered a win simply for the fact that he wasn't permanently out of his best friend's mind yet.

Logan kept Camille's soothing words of encouragement in his thoughts the whole night before, only letting them drift away for an hour or two once he returned home to finish his report with Kendall, but he hadn't worked up the courage to actually do anything yet. Every time he felt a word on his tongue directed towards James, it died when he remembered what he looked like when he was high, and then Logan saw everything falling apart and getting worse with him right in the middle of it. He didn't want to put himself in a vulnerable position and forgive James if it meant getting hurt in the long run. It was a cynical view, but he couldn't erase it after what his father had put him through. He had to admit that James was different, though. He was always there, and he didn't give up on Logan when he gave him more than enough opportunities to walk away.

"Beautiful day," Carlos' voice rang through the silence sarcastically, mumbling from his spot on the floor where he was playing Go Fish with James. "Aren't you tired of that book, Loges? You wanna play cards with me… and James?" he looked at Logan hopefully, and Kendall and Sage followed suit; tearing their eyes away from the window to watch Logan thoughtfully fiddle with the corner of the latest novel.

"Um," he tried to smile, but his lips hardly moved as he looked at Carlos and then extremely briefly at James before he made his decision to dodge the bigger issue again. "No thanks. I'm fine here," he glued his vision onto the page he had stopped on but he wasn't really even seeing the words.

"Alright, that's enough of this shit," Kendall announced loudly and somberly. He lifted himself off of the couch and took Sage with him so that they were both standing. Startled, Logan dropped his book and James stared up at him from his seat on the floor. "Carlos, do you have something you can go do for a while?" Kendall asked, silently telling him to agree with a narrowed look.

"I can go hang out with Arielle. She's finishing up a photo shoot a couple blocks from here," Carlos climbed to his feet, leaving James wide-eyed on the ground as he realized what Kendall was doing.

"Good enough…" the blonde sighed, ignoring his distaste for Arielle because of the more pressing matters he had on his hands. "Logan, James, you're gonna stay here until you talk to each other," Kendall declared solidly. His stance was strong as he took Sage's hand and began to guide her towards the door with Carlos behind them.

"No way!" Logan complained, punching the spot on the couch next to him.

"Sage, make your boyfriend cool his jets!" James protested too. Suddenly being faced with the idea of sitting in a room alone with Logan had him wanting to kick and scream.

"I don't think so. It's been eight days, you guys. It's time…" she frowned regretfully but didn't move back towards them.

"We all can't keep doing this. It's too much, so you're gonna have to figure things out and tell us what's what when we get back. And if I find out that you two didn't say at least a full sentence to each other, Carlos and I are going to lock you in the bathroom and _**make**_ you talk, got it?" Kendall used the tone of voice he only brought out for serious occasions. It was one that none of them could argue with.

"Whatever," Logan growled and picked his book up off of the floor where he had dropped it while James nodded slowly.

"Say you'll do it," Carlos pleaded, wide and persuasive eyes sticking to Logan.

"I'll talk to him," he held up his hands in surrender, but he didn't sound all that thrilled. James looked ecstatic, though; biting back a smile as he tucked his legs beneath him.

"Be good," Kendall opened the door, ushering Carlos out before taking Sage's hand and guiding her to wherever he decided they would go; leaving the two boys alone in the living room.

Only waiting several seconds before moving, Logan chickened out and made a run for it. He rushed past James and into the stairwell that led to his and Carlos' room.

"Logan, please wait! You said you'd talk to me!" James scrambled to get off of the floor and looked up to see Logan in the doorway connected to the balcony. He had froze when the boy called out to him. James watched him in anticipation, quietly praying that he would turn around instead of walking away like he wasn't there.

"F-Fine," Logan finally spoke, starting as soft as the distant thunder but building up quicker than James anticipated. He approached the side of the balcony near the top of the yellow slide connecting the two floors and braced his hands on the edge, knuckles turning white with the pressure. "This is my full fuckin' sentence to you, James. This is me talking to you, and this is me ending the lovely conversation," Logan turned to walk away again, but James was prepared this time. He sprinted forward and clambered up the swirly slide, static and hair be damned. Before Logan realized what was happening, James grabbed his arm and spun him back around forcefully.

"Not good enough," he cleared his throat uneasily when Logan glared up at him with wide and hateful eyes.

"Nothing you do is good anymore. Why should I have to stay the saint? Why can't I ever be a douche to _**you**_?" Logan yelled and ripped his arm out of James' grasp. The taller boy flinched and looked like he had just gotten slapped when Logan laid it all out for him. After days of silence, he almost forgot how easily he could dissect everything surrounding him.

"I never said that you couldn't. I mean, it's not fun, but I just want you to talk, so lay it on m-me…" James directed him nervously, placing his hand on the banister for support when his legs felt like buckling in apprehension.

With the amount of tension and animosity coursing between them, it was sometimes easy to forget why they were ever friends in the first place. In most of the world, Logan would be the guy that James made fun of, and James would be the guy Logan loathed from afar. However, they didn't ever question it much because they always remembered the good things; the things they chose to show and share with each other beneath the surface as they grew up. Logan was capable of putting James in his place like no one else could when he desperately needed it, and James had a huge heart for the special people he held close; Logan getting a sizeable piece of that treasure simply for being himself. They taught each other things that they might not have had the opportunity to learn without the existence of one another.

If it had just been the two of them from the start, they wouldn't have lasted a month with each other in kindergarten, but they were an integral part of four, and now five. Everything looped and tied together so perfectly and intricately that a small defect in the chain that held them together could wreck them all. That's why they both wanted this fixed. It was why neither one of them could just turn their backs completely. They needed their family and their family needed them.

"I didn't want to talk to you because I don't know what to say. I don't know how to not be angry and disappointed in you… That's the last thing you want to hear, but it's the truth… You're so lucky that I'm incapable of hating your dumb ass because, right now, I am absolutely furious with you. How could you do something so damn idiotic? Something that you knew would scare the hell out of me?" Logan shoved him weakly before falling to the ground and pressing his head into the wall, seeming more annoyed than irate once he had finished screaming.

James took a few seconds to process everything and then sat beside him quietly, knocking knees with him casually just to let him know he was there.

"I wasn't thinking about wha- " he started talking, but Logan couldn't hold himself back now that he had begun.

"That! That is the problem right there, James," he groaned tiredly and pushed his knee against the boy's again. "You don't think. You don't consider the consequences of your actions. That's dangerous, and it's gonna ruin _**everything**_ one day…" Logan warned him, slipping his eyes shut and tilting his head back once more until it connected with the wall.

"Will you be there to see it if I do wreck everything? Are you sticking around to save my ass?" James smirked lazily. This was him asking if they were okay again and if he was forgiven as much as he could be for what he did.

"I'm not going anywhere else, but you can't keep coping the way you do. You have to start figuring your shit out… You have to try… You're running out of time and chances, okay?" Logan looked at him gloomily before dragging him into a sideways hug that James returned eagerly.

"Okay, Logie."

* * *

Kendall stood behind Sage, his arms wrapped loosely around her waist, as they both watched the most recent rain cloud approach the Palm Woods from the roof. Kendall dragged her up there with a smirk when they left the apartment and had to decide where to kill some time. He figured a clear view of the rain would be nice, so he guided his girlfriend to the staircase that had access to the roof of the building and propped open the door leading outside; leaving them to stand dry at the threshold while the ground was being drenched just a foot forward.

They both enjoyed the rare rain. It felt like a little reminder of home, the happier times of it anyway; times when they'd brave a literal storm together. Hollywood was their new home, but it lacked the changing weather and seasons of Minnesota and North Dakota that always ushered in a sense of newness. California was a lot of the beautiful sameness each day. Neither place was better than the other, just different, and it was nice to experience a few good parts of the past when most of it was full of agonizing memories. However, even the relatively harmless storm held certain bittersweet connotations for them. The last time they had spent a rainy afternoon together was the day they said goodbye in their secret spot by the lake. Maybe that's why Kendall was holding Sage even more tightly as the seconds ticked by; thinking that, once the sun set, she'd possibly disappear.

"When did the others get more fucked up than us? When did that happen?" Sage leaned her head against his shoulder, twisting slightly so she could glance up at him before looking back at the drops of rain splashing against the flat roof beyond the doorway. He laughed at her words and relaxed despite what they were referring to. The simple fact that they related to his family, their family, was enough to remind him that Sage wasn't leaving and neither was he. They were well over a year away from that goodbye in Ramsey now.

"I don't have a clue," he breathed into her ear, smiling when she pressed closer to the warm air tickling a sensitive part of her neck, "but I still think we take the title for the biggest mess ever. We're hard to top," he teased her with a kiss to the skin closest to his lips, pulling the back of her body more firmly against the front of his.

"There's no way we beat James, at least not after the successful few months we've had," Sage disagreed playfully and spun in his hold, lacing her hands together behind his neck and running her fingers through the hair she could reach. "Maybe we should just call it a tie, everyone's even," she suggested diplomatically.

"I can live with that," Kendall hummed in agreement when she rested her forehead on his collarbone.

"Do you think they'll be alright down there? You don't think that they'll really- They aren't gonna not be brothers anymore, right?" Sage grew serious and was too worried to even look up, still pressing her face into Kendall's t-shirt and reveling in the warmth of him.

"I have no doubt at all that things will be okay. This is what James and Logan do. They get intense because of how crazy they both are, and they clash, but they love each other enough to stop being stubborn. This isn't their first battle, and it won't be their last…" Kendall sighed and rubbed her back, his fingers slipping beneath the fabric of her shirt when he reached the bottom of her spine and pulled back up.

"I hate sitting on the sidelines... I don't think I've felt this emotionally helpless since the day you left and there wasn't a thing I could do about it," she mumbled into him and tightened her hands at the back of his neck. Things had been so unstable, so uncertain, back then. They had a loose plan and took a leap of faith that she'd return to him when she could. There were a few unexpected bumps along the way, but the basic result of them being reunited was fulfilled.

"That day definitely sucked… Well, the rain part wasn't that bad…" he grinned, thinking about their last sexual encounter, and gripped her securely around the waist before hoisting her up.

"Kendall," she protested for no real reason and giggled as she draped her legs around him and held on while he backed her onto the roof.

They laughed when the rain soaked them immediately, seeping into the fabric of their clothes and coating their bare arms and Sage's exposed legs. Kendall spun them in a circle and stared at the dark sky. Unlike back home, there were no trees in his peripheral vision when they looked up into the falling moisture; just endless gray and a few corners of the taller buildings around the Palm Woods. Not seeing a reason to seek shelter after they were already fully saturated, Kendall latched onto the back of Sage's thighs and lowered himself onto the concrete ground. His shoulders pressed into the brick siding of the outside wall of the stairwell, and his girl straddled his lap.

She stared down at him while he brushed away the wet hair sticking to her face, and then he kissed her. It was a simple meeting of their lips, but nothing ever stayed simple between them for long. Their urgency grew almost as soon as they touched, and he worked his tongue slowly into her mouth to caress her own with a moan. There was a thought at the back of his mind, a thought that he should stop or that she would stop him, but Sage breathed back into him and submitted; relaxing her body on top of his and whining pleasurably into the lip lock when he got a bit more aggressive with it.

Kendall groaned and bucked up instinctively when she tightened her thighs around his and pressed downward to meet his rapidly growing erection that had a mind of its own; telling him to race forward even though his old terrors were trying to get him to put on the brakes.

"What are we doing?" he chuckled against her lips and ignored the ancient fears that only got him into trouble last time. She smiled when she pulled back, blinking away the rain despite the fact that it kept falling in her eyes anyway.

"Whatever we want," she spoke loudly, competing with the thunder clapping high and far away, and tugged him towards her again for another kiss, which he didn't fight.

Anchoring his hands on her hips, Kendall rocked up more confidently this time; the bulge in his jeans rubbing roughly along her cotton panties with ease once she spread her legs a little farther and he hauled up her skirt. Sage grinded down with just as much fervor, a familiar need creating a sharp heat in her stomach that reminded her of the ache right before she hit a release. Reaching between them, she pinched her fingers around the rain-slicked zipper of Kendall's fly and detached her lips from his.

"I promise I won't be scared if you aren't," she assured him lowly, watching drops of water gather on the skin over his cheek bones and mix with the streams flowing from the bangs above his jade eyes.

Kendall paused to think about whether he could go through with it or not, and then he grinned warmly. This wasn't them trying or pushing things. This was them being who they were naturally, acting like they used to together, but they were actually more free than they ever were before. The happiness they enjoyed in the beginning was blemished with thoughts of Sage returning home or having to sneak around and hide their love earlier on, but none of that was the case anymore. They were safe and together, and Kendall figured that it was about time for them to start taking advantage of it.

"Tit-for-tat…" he whispered just clear enough for Sage to hear him in her close proximity, chest against chest and lips practically touching again. She nodded and broke into a smile. That was always how they worked. They were equals and partners, filling in each other's gaps and completing figurative circles as a pair since the beginning. If Sage was determined not to be afraid, then that's what he would be too.

Kendall coaxed her to continue what she had started, thrusting his hips upward before pulling her into him and finding her tongue with his own. She kissed him back eagerly and let out a wanton moan by the time she had worked open his jeans and tugged his hard length free, loving the way it felt in the palm of her hand; pre-cum mixing with the rain that was still drenching them. He panted heavily and kissed his way down her neck, nipping and sucking above where the heart pendant fell below her jugular. While she continued stroking him slowly and breathing into his shoulder, slack in his embrace, Kendall slid a hand under her skirt and brushed his thumb along the outline of her core; feeling the heat and dampness of her arousal through the fabric of her underwear in places the rain couldn't reach.

Sage whimpered at the teasing and gripped his cock harder as if to tell him to hurry. Kendall nodded wordlessly and pulled aside her underwear, not even close to being in the mood for too much foreplay, and ran his fingers against her opening. He nuzzled his face along her jaw so she'd look at him, studying her for any anxiety when he slipped two fingers into her. Met only with a loud moan of approval and the rocking of her hips into his hand, Kendall grinned and moved the digits away. He put one hand on her hip to raise her up while the other stayed beneath her skirt to keep her panties out of the way, and Sage guided his member to her entrance; letting the tip snugly rest there for a moment.

They pressed their foreheads together and shared a look, one that cleared them of any reservations with a silent conversation between lovers, and Sage sank down slowly. She gasped at the slight pain, both a physical and mental sensation, but she kept her eyes open and stared right into Kendall's. Not once did he look like Elliot because of her twisted imagination. All she saw and felt was Kendall; him filling her and peppering the skin of her collarbone, neck, and jaw with light kisses until his lips connected softly with her own.

"Are you still with me?" he tried to make his words not sound labored, but he didn't succeed fully. She felt tight and familiar and so good around him, and it made his entire body ache with need. Sage remembered to breathe deeply and bit her lip as she experimentally rocked forward and then back, grinding in his lap once the sting below her stomach started to fade.

"I never left," she smirked but then her face went slack when Kendall let go of her underwear, knowing that once he was in it wouldn't be a nuisance anymore, and he flicked her swollen clit with his thumb.

"Love you," he murmured huskily, teasingly giving the nub another rough press. Sage hummed and buried her face into the crook of his neck and then firmly swiveled her hips to make him hiss.

"Love you too," she nipped at his skin with a smile and mentally prepared herself for what was to come when she felt him put both of his hands on her hips.

Kendall carefully and slowly guided her up so that only the head of his cock stayed inside of her tight passage, then he looked at Sage and waited for her to make the next move. She inhaled and held her breath before throwing her remaining anxiety and caution to the wind and slamming down. The air left her lungs in a big gust that was drowned out as the rain increased in intensity and Kendall moaned. He knocked his head into the wall behind him and stared at her lustfully while she rose up on her own and lowered back down quickly, setting a fast rhythm as they both chased their desired euphoria with nothing even close to fright in the equation.

Neither of them could believe that they hadn't had this type of connection with each other in over a year, literally linking together and writhing against one another as if their life depended on their impending orgasms and each of them fueled by the sounds and touches of the other. They were both teetering close to the edge after only a few thrusts, having been waiting forever for it and being egged on by the power coursing through the long-awaited interaction.

"_**Ngh**_- " Sage let out a choked off cry when Kendall grabbed her ass desperately and bucked upward to meet her every time she rapidly propelled herself down.

They kissed again as he came inside of her and she tightened around him in unison, breathing and grinding and squirming against each other while descending from the high. Kendall kept himself in her as he struggled to take in oxygen, licking away the taste of Sage and the rain on his lips. She wound her arms around his neck and fell into a tired but amorous hug, sighing when his palms slid up her back and rubbed circles over her shoulder blades.

Neither one of them were sure how long they stayed in that position, but, when the rain eventually stopped and the clouds began to disperse, they decided to head back downstairs; both donning smiles the whole way.

When Kendall guided Sage into 2J with his arm around her waist and both of them still tracking water everywhere they went, they saw something that made the afternoon even better. Logan and James were actually looking at each other, their lips were moving, and there was sound coming out.

"They're talking again!" Carlos noticed them first. They were all sitting on the couch and he was showing them a few photos, probably from Arielle's shoot. He tossed them onto the coffee table and pointed excitedly at James and Logan, who were side by side with no sign of their customary tension in sight.

"Good," Sage grinned and rubbed her arms. Her wet body shivered at the temperature change after having gone from the warm air of the roof to the air-conditioned atmosphere of the apartment.

"Why are you guys soaking wet? Did you go out in the rain?" Logan asked worriedly, thinking that any of them getting sick was asking for trouble with Gustavo.

"Carlos did too," Kendall argued petulantly and ran a hand through his damp hair, shaking droplets around him and Sage.

"With an umbrella," Carlos chuckled and studied them a bit more. "You look like you swam in it."

"What's with the interrogation?" Sage snickered too quickly, and Kendall laughed along with her. It was obvious to the others that they were hiding something.

"You two had sex," James smirked, and they all could have sworn he was holding back a dance of giddiness by taking his feet off of the couch beneath him and planting them firmly on the ground.

"Psh… No…" Kendall scoffed, trying not to be embarrassed about how transparent they were.

"Even I can tell that you're lying," Logan chimed in dryly, teasing them with a lopsided grin that only fired Kendall up.

"Fine, you know what? Fuck it. I did my girlfriend on the roof, and we had an awesome time. No shame!" he declared haughtily, eliciting laughter from the boys and a roll of Sage's eyes. "Now we're going to go for a second round in the shower. You jerks have a nice evening," he wore a false expression of extreme pride and indifference as he picked Sage up by the waist and threw her over his shoulder. She squirmed but giggled and waved at the boys, who were all shaking their heads.

"We're glad you guys are talking," she added happily for James and Logan's sakes right before Kendall carried her into their bedroom and slammed the door shut.

"Other than that project James and I keep ignoring, this day has been pretty productive for the BTR family," Carlos announced cheerfully, staring between Logan and James. "We _**are**_ one big, happy family again, right?" he wanted to hear it from them. His normally upbeat nature couldn't handle anymore secrets and animosity.

"Things are back to normal," Logan assured him easily, and James nodded in agreement, but they each took the sentiment with a bittersweet acceptance because they remembered just how long "normal" tended to last with the five of them.

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**A/N: There was a big progression with Kage ;) and some with James… but we'll see if that sticks ;P  
**

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this chapter :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I appreciate any feedback and I love meeting fellow readers/fans of BTR. Don't be shy :) Also, if you leave a signed review but don't have private messaging enabled, then I unfortunately can't respond to the review, but I APPRECIATE them all :)**


	45. Big Time Esteem

**A/N: We have some drama this chapter (which is a build up for next chapter as well :)… I'm posting this a LITTLE earlier than I managed to last week *fist pump* lol I hope everyone enjoyed the new episode tonight! I know I'm looking forward to seeing less Jo and more Bro-Bonding time XD I'm off to watch that now… finally lol **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

******Also, Big Time Rush's unreleased song, "Blow Your Speakers", is used in this chapter. I do not own it either :)  
**

**SUGGESTION FOR ANGST/ROMANCE****: "Something to Sleep to" by **_so-complicated_** :) The first few chapters are extremely captivating and well-written. Go read, and you'll be begging for more of this new fic :) and it was JUST UPDATED with part one of a new chapter; containing some Kendall/James angst. Angry!James and Kendall are always a fantastic read lol XD**

**On with PTS! :D Please, enjoy and review :) **

**_-waterwicca_**

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_CHAPTER 45: BIG TIME ESTEEM _

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"I was in the safe zone!" Kendall yelled in protest, keeping his body completely still as he hovered between the grass and pavement cutting through Palm Woods Park.

"Was not!" James shouted back. He stood about six yards away, his large frame cowering behind one of the numerous benches located in the grassy area as he pumped the giant water gun he held to prepare for a second shot.

"Was too!" Kendall argued stubbornly and moved to tug on his white shirt to assess the damage. There was a splotch of purple water dampening the bottom of the clothing where James had made his mark, and next to that was a turquoise color mixing with it to create a muddy blue where the two stains met.

"What's the problem?" Logan popped out from his hiding spot near the huge fountain at the center of the property, running past the random children and teens walking through the park so he could get closer to his friends. His own white shirt was covered in small stains of James' purple-colored water along with Kendall's green. He peered over his sunglasses at the two competitive boys, but he was ignored, and he put down his water gun with a sigh as he tried to catch his breath.

"Wasn't I in the safe zone, Sage?" Kendall turned to look at his girlfriend, who was sitting only a few feet to his left on a blanket under the shade of a sizeable tree with Camille by her side.

"I don't even remember what that means," she bit her lip and shrugged in apology while her friend snickered over the top of the paper cup holding her morning coffee. Kendall childishly stomped his foot and swung the water gun in his hand around dramatically.

"Babe! You're supposed to have my back!" he whined, competitive nature shining through and only deceived by a genuine smile he threw Sage's way when she rolled her eyes and laughed.

"Sorry, sweetie. Maybe your rules should be a little less complicated," she suggested with a quirk of her shoulder as she settled back into the trunk of the tree behind her and stretched her legs out towards him, crossing them at the ankles.

"I don't even remember what half of them are," Logan admitted abruptly, squinting his eyes as if he was thinking about the game they had started only several minutes earlier. He still struggled to breathe properly because of the adrenaline coursing through his system and the sprint he had just done to get to the group. Camille smiled at him as she held up her cup of coffee. He walked over to her and took it gratefully. The liquid had gone almost completely lukewarm, but it still felt soothing to his throat and helped his breathing become easier. He handed it back to her and bent down to kiss her lips, tasting the familiar vanilla flavoring on them when he licked his own after backing up with a smirk.

That type of connection was as far as they had gotten when it came to intimacy. During heated kisses or the brushes of hands along hips, Logan would occasionally think about more, but he decided not to push the thoughts unless they began to control him. So far, he was capable of settling them to the back of his mind after his discussion with Sage and Kendall; after he realized he wasn't crazy for thinking about Camille in a way that wasn't all that wholesome. However, just because he had the thoughts, didn't mean that it was necessarily time for him to act on them, so he let them lie and enjoyed every moment with his girlfriend now that he had a not-so-heavy heart and a clearer mind.

"Come on, the rules are simple!" Kendall complained, walking under the shade of the tree with James behind him so he could see all of them better. "Each of us have our own color so we know who gets hit by who. The whole park is the playing field. If your foot is on any of the cement pathways when you get shot, then you're safe and no points are deducted or added for anyone. You're not allowed to use children as shields, 'cause that's just rude, and if we somehow manage to hit Bitters then the shooter gains five points because it's fuckin' hilarious, but then you gotta subtract seven because we're gonna get in trouble," he explained it all like it was the easiest thing in the world, grin never leaving his face.

"Why don't you just take away two points for hitting Bitters instead of that whole plus-minus combo?" Camille furrowed her brow at the unnecessary complexity and took another gulp of her drink before scooting back to lean on the tree right beside Sage.

"You're obviously missing the spirit of the game, Cam," Kendall scolded her playfully, shaking his head from side to side as if he was ashamed. She merely shrugged and picked up the thick script she had placed on the blanket between Sage and herself, situating it in her lap after turning to the page she marked earlier.

"We still need new rules. The ones we have now make my brain hurt," James chimed in, sighing as he adjusted the bandana he had wrapped around his head for their fake war.

"How about the last man standing with any white on them wins?" Logan recommended straightforwardly as he already began surveying his white t-shirt to calculate the damage he had already sustained.

"That's why you're the genius, Logie," Kendall threw his arm around the boy's shoulders and pulled him into a quick sideways hug, ruffling his hair with a laugh just to annoy him. Half of Logan hated it while the other half lived for it when his brothers treated him like the youngest instead of the oldest in times of simple innocence. He frowned just because it seemed like the expected reaction, but he ended up chuckling anyway as he shoved Kendall.

"We should've listened to him in the first place," James glared teasingly at Kendall, who had taken the role of rule-maker when they began the game. The teen just moved his lips and scrunched his face, repeating James' words mockingly under his breath.

"You guys should _**always**_ listen to me," Logan laughed as he rushed away, but not before aiming his gun and spraying a thin line of blue across both Kendall and James' torsos. The two boys groaned but suddenly stared at each other cautiously, realizing that they were enemies and holding their water guns up for a few frozen moments. Both of them quickly spun on their heels and sprinted away to take cover somewhere around the expansive park.

Sage smiled and grabbed the cup full of tea she had placed in the grass beside her, sipping it as she watched Kendall and the others vanish with shouts and overdramatic threats. They had started their battle as a form of recreation after declaring their boredom when they all met up in the park, sans Carlos because he spent the night at Arielle's and didn't necessarily need to return until the afternoon when they had to be in the studio. The boys didn't have class, so they all gathered outside for some relaxation time with Camille. She and Sage lounged under a tree, and the others had been with them for just ten minutes before their restless energy got to be too much for them and they then came up with a game only teenage boys could; involving tactical moves, water toys, and physical skill. They rushed back to the apartment and reemerged all dressed in white shirts and geared up with sunglasses, bandanas, and water guns filled with colored liquid.

Camille and Sage sat back and watched it all go down, enjoying the warm air that came with mid-November when their home states of North Dakota and Connecticut had always brought frigid weather in the fall season. Camille was used to it, having been in L.A. for a few years, but it was still new to Sage. It had a certain magical and peaceful sensation to it that coupled nicely with the fact that she was free to do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted; taking satisfaction in simple things like sitting on a blanket with her friend and watching the other residents of the Palm Woods walking dogs or tossing a ball around. People seemed happier there, nicer than she had originally anticipated, because they all had drive, purposes, and goals for themselves. Gossip occurred, of course, but the rising stars of the apartment complex were generally more concerned with themselves rather than harming others.

"I never thought I'd meet people who were crazier than me," Camille smirked and watched Logan yelp as he almost tumbled into the fountain when he was trying to be stealthy, just catching himself with a leg in the water before he could actually fall in.

"Amen," Sage chuckled, seeing James and Kendall both roll behind bushes on the opposite sides of a pathway near the other end of the park. "Is that the same script again?" she turned her attention fully onto Camille, seeing the memorable thick booklet in her hands that she had gotten a few weeks prior. It disappeared and reappeared throughout the days, switching with the occasional thinner book for a commercial or TV spot, but this movie script always came back around right afterwards.

"Yeah, but it's a little new. The last time I auditioned it was for a more minor character, not the main female lead, but they liked me and my look, I guess, because they asked me to go through the whole process again for the most important role," Camille smiled and wiggled in her seat a bit, trying not to count her chickens before they hatched.

"That's amazing! What's the character like?" Sage bent towards Camille to see the pages of the script, all of it looking like a mess to her because of how much the actress had written in the margins with notes to herself. It reminded Sage of when she wrote music, but this craft was different and foreign in her mind.

"Her name is Aubrey Stewart. She's a human actress among a community dominated by vampires and other mythical monsters in Los Angeles, and she's trying to make it to the top of the hierarchy; finding love with a mysterious stranger or two along the way. It's all based off of some popular book series from a few years back called 'Hollywood Night'," Camille explained the plot with well-practiced vigor and emotion, her eyes lighting up and her voice deepening at all of the right adjectives.

"Wow, that sounds…" Sage struggled for the appropriate words, not wanting to kill her best friend's buzz.

"It's terrible, I know," Camille giggled and watched Sage relax against the tree with a relieved smile. "The whole thing is melodramatic, and the sanity around the romance is questionable at best, but it's a possible three-movie deal if the first one goes over well with the audience and producers, and everyone has to start somewhere. If my somewhere could be a big hit and give me a solid contract for the next few years, then that is a pretty amazing launching point for my career," she sipped her coffee again and flipped the book to the first page.

"I always love your optimism, Cam. It's nice to see in a world full of… that…" Sage had been smiling, but her expression fell into a grimace when her eyes passed over the archway at the park's entrance. Carlos stood there with Arielle.

He spotted James hiding beneath a picnic table nearby and waved without hesitation, receiving the same gesture back, but then Arielle tugged him by the wrist to face her again. She didn't make an attempt to follow him further into the park, holding him near her instead as she kissed him quickly and spoke words Sage and Camille couldn't hear from so far away. The model's hands instantly found their way to his clothes, pressing out a wrinkle in his shirt with her palm and fiddling with the hem so it rested flat against his jeans. It was something she was always doing; always fixing him. Arielle even selected his outfits every time she took him somewhere, which was another issue entirely.

It was always her bringing Carlos places, her making the plans. In the beginning, he had tried to offer date ideas of his own, but it just so happened that she was busy every time unless it was her taking him somewhere she wanted to go.

He wasn't who he was before. Carlos wasn't himself. His demeanor was more controlled when he was around his girlfriend than it was at the studio or apartment, making him split into two separate people, and his helmet hadn't been seen in weeks; no characteristic stunts or crazy behavior either. The boy's astonishing artwork and trusty sketchbook hadn't been approached in so long since he stopped after Arielle told him it was a "waste of time" and that he "should put his focus on the band". He even declined the guys' invitation to their current water tag session via text message; saying that he was going to spend a bit more of the morning with Arielle instead. At the start of their relationship, he had a small remainder of a backbone and refused her once in a while for things he would have rather been doing, but now he did almost everything she said; went to any party or club she wanted him to.

"That girl is bad news," Camille grumbled in distaste, forgetting her script entirely to lean forward and glare at the couple across the grass.

"I know, but Carlos asked us to leave it alone and let him figure it out," Sage frowned, but not for long. Her countenance turned into one of instinctive alarm when she heard a voice come from her side where Camille wasn't sitting.

"Carlos is dating Prescott?"

The three Jennifers, the Palm Woods' dynamic trio, appeared on the pathway to Sage's left; all of their eyes where she and Camille had been looking. They studied Carlos and Arielle as the model continued speaking to him about something animatedly while he nodded in agreement every so often. The three girls' heads all tilted in the same manner of curiosity at the same time, moving as a unit instead of individual beings in a way that never ceased to amaze Sage.

She had only really met them once, and had a few run-ins from time to time around the building or at the pool, but it always astonished her how close they were. They were crude and pompous, always holding themselves higher than every other person around them, but somehow they still had a sense of respect and care for each other. In an odd way, they were a family just like the five inhabitants of 2J. They were just a little less outwardly emotional and loving about it. The three model-singer-actresses all dressed alike, decked out in expensive running gear today; each a different pastel color to show slight tendencies towards having their own minds and personalities. Sometimes they spoke as a group, sounding off together, and other times they would finish each other's sentences when they deemed it appropriate, but there were little ticks and characteristics that showed variations only some could see.

Jennifer was the leader. Her long bleached hair and perfect poise gave her a presence that no one dared to contend with, and she had the attitude to back up her looks if anyone wanted to oppose her. Jenn was her right hand girl, a natural boldness and stance aided by her perfect, dark skin and curly brown hair; as if the whole combination made her an impeccably beautiful wall no one wanted to scale. Jenny was the last in the set. She was quieter than the others, not that it meant all that much in the long run because of how overly outspoken the other two Jennifers were. She didn't take control unless it was necessary; often letting her friends have the reigns. Her aura, however, was just as powerful. She stood tall and thin with lengthy brunette hair shining in a ponytail more than a normal person's would.

They all looked flawless, even when they were sweating from their morning workout of circling the park several times; never falling out of line as they jogged side by side and gossiped about the other residents or the current well-paying job they landed. Now their interest strangely shifted to Carlos, a boy who had chased after them happily in his first few months at the Palm Woods because of their beauty and his inability to never back down or lose his ecstatic manner no matter how many times they rudely turned him away.

"She's awful. He shouldn't be with her," Jenn scoffed, adding to Jennifer's initial statement; Jenny nodding in agreement while they appeared to hardly notice Camille and Sage's existence at all.

"Since when do you care about Carlos? You always rejected him," Camille chuckled bitterly and scooted closer to Sage, thinking the girl may be uncomfortable with the trio near and above her. Sage smiled gratefully for the contact, although she was more pleased that she realized it wasn't necessary to begin with. The Jennifers were familiar, maybe a little intimidating, but not a threat that could adequately compare to Elliot.

"Uh, that's because we _**like**_ him," Jenny retorted sharply as if Camille should have known the fact already. The two actresses glared at each other intensely, radiating defiance, but Camille was the first to break it. She was always the one to take the high road when it came to the threesome, who she didn't hide her hatred for ever since she had moved to the Palm Woods a few years prior. Camille wasn't afraid to show her dislike of their attitude problem.

"He's a good guy, and that's why we won't let him take any of us out. He deserves an average, nice girl that won't be like…" Jennifer trailed off and adjusted the chord of her earbuds connecting to an IPod that was clipped at her waistline as she mentally placed the conversation into the other's hands.

"Someone that won't be like us, and Arielle is not that girl," Jenn sneered in disgust as her eyes surveyed the model across the park and she ran her fingers through her sweat-dampened curls, which somehow still looked impeccably groomed despite her workout.

Camille stared at Sage, having a silent discussion and receiving a shrug from the blonde before she spoke.

"Alright, we'll bite. What makes you three so qualified to know all this?" Camille wondered, not exactly enjoying the idea that her tone almost defended Arielle but ignoring it so she could satisfy their curiosity. The Jennifers sighed simultaneously, behaving as though the duo beneath the tree was tiring them and that they weren't the ones who had inserted themselves into the conversation in the first place, but they appeased them anyway and took a few more steps towards the seated girls.

"She used to live here at the Palm Woods a little before you moved in," Jennifer nodded towards Camille, not even flinching at the shocked look on the actresses' face due to the previously unknown information. "She was basically a 'Jennifer' before we were; a bitch to everyone and her nose constantly turned up. Her dad had her here to 'interact with her future colleagues'," she created quotation marks with her fingers, like she had heard the speech before, "but she ended up making it big with the right photographers and magazines, and now she lives in some penthouse and lands new jobs every week."

"We're not stupid. We know we're mean," Jenn added fluently as soon as her friend was finished speaking, "but we put it out there right away. We don't play games. We say what we want and what we don't want. As for Arielle, she's messing with Carlos. She's using him," she eyed the still-conversing couple with a small twinge of pity that didn't look natural on her face because of its infrequency.

"And we know what that looks like," Jenny continued confidently, crossing her arms over the pink fabric of the tracksuit she wore. "We do it all the time with people we don't give a shit about and who are easy to manipulate. You need to get Carlos to dump Arielle, or she'll bleed him dry of anything good that he's got in him."

"He's rare here, sweet and nice, but she'll make him her sugar daddy and take it all away," Jennifer finished firmly, waving her hand almost as if Carlos was a lost cause. He certainly looked the part; smiling down at his girlfriend and nodding every time her lips stopped moving.

"B-But Arielle has money and success already," Sage argued weakly, her voice quivering in a way it tended to do when she was uncomfortable but fighting not to be as she found the self-confidence she was still slowly working on gaining.

"You're right, New Girl," Jenn looked amused at the songwriter's demeanor but didn't bother attacking or berating her, perhaps because Carlos was close to Sage and he was already being put through enough with the current female problems staring him in the face. "But a lot of models don't get fame. They just get paid."

"Big Time Rush is gonna be huge. Everyone here knows it, and I bet Arielle saw it the first time she met Carlos. With him on her arm, she'll be in the spotlight she always wanted," Jenny shrugged simply and brought her leg back to stretch out her hamstring.

"Maybe she really likes him," Camille countered lamely, not believing it herself but feeling the need to say something after the Jennifers all seemed so sure and calm about their conclusions.

"Yeah, really likes his potential," Jennifer cackled with her two cohorts. "If he fails, if BTR bombs, she'll drop him faster than she can say her own name. It's what she does. She's a user, and Carlos is the perfect target because he's too innocent to know better… I thought you'd have his back, Wyatt," she smirked and raised an accusing brow at Camille, causing the brunette to frown.

"Have fun on your jog," Sage piped up and waved them off rudely, feeling a bit triumphant when she could stick up for Camille when the timing called for it like her friend always thoughtfully did for her.

"Whatever," the three Jennifers spoke at once, all creepily rolling their eyes in tandem before spinning around and strutting off down the path in the direction they had come from.

"Do you think she's right? Maybe I should have warned Carlos more about people like Arielle…" Camille chewed her lip and picked her script back up to fiddle with the corner of it nervously, bending the pages and tearing the top one a little.

"Cam, no… You're a wonderful friend, and we don't even know that Arielle is definitely using Carlos. The Jennifers knew her years ago. She could be different now," Sage offered hopefully. Being on the optimistic side of things felt draining and a bit wrong for her. She was still getting used to it; getting used to the idea that things could end happily.

It wasn't easy, though. The way Carlos looked, obedient and too quiet with Arielle, made her tense. She didn't want someone as genuine as him to alter anything about himself for other people. She wanted him to keep the loving attitude and energetic behavior that made him wear a helmet and race the other four in 2J to get the best slice of pizza at dinner.

It scared her how his smile changed once Arielle finally walked away from him and he was met with a sprinting James going by. He stopped to use him as a shield when Logan took a shot; covering Carlos' finely pressed shirt in a blue liquid that was sure to stain depending on what they used to color the water. He just laughed, a sound so loud and bright that Sage and Camille could hear it from where they sat, and tackled James to the ground. He ripped the water gun from his hands to retaliate against Logan, leaving James vulnerable to a grinning and rapidly approaching Kendall. Carlos appeared cheery and spirited, looking like a completely different person than who had just been while conversing with Arielle.

They wondered who he exactly was with his girlfriend; wondered who Carlos Garcia became when someone made him feel like being himself was no longer good enough.

* * *

_**Under the stolen lights  
Feel the rhythm, the rhythm, and it'll get you right  
Sweat it all out of your system  
You gotta free your mind, let yourself unwind  
'Cause it's your night, night, night  
So get it right, right, right. Come on…  
**_

Carlos sang his verse of their latest recorded track, "Blow Your Speakers", as the boys ran loosely through the choreography Mr. X had been working on with them. They moved around in the large practice room, unused instruments lining the wall behind them and a glass window in front of them that had Gustavo, Sage, and Kelly seated behind it. The threesome responsible for the behind the scenes development of BTR watched casually. Kelly read various emails on her phone, sorting through junk and the ones her boss would need to get back to, and Sage sat quietly beside Gustavo as he toyed with the controls to lower or amplify the microphones the band held.

"The song's good," Gustavo commented in a falsely offhanded manner, his eyes looking out of the corner of his sunglasses to glance at Sage. She nodded slowly after jumping when his voice startled her, and her response was too quiet for his liking. He had gotten used to her usual witty comments, but today she had been working with him for over an hour and she hardly said a word.

"Th-Thanks. James helped. The subject matter is sorta his forte," Sage shrugged and only looked at her boss for a moment before she got distracted and stared back through the glass, seeing James effortlessly stop his choreography when it was about time for Kendall to begin the second verse of the song.

_**Gotta crank the music loud  
Baby, blow your speakers out, your speakers out**_

_**I know you feel the heat**_  
_**I see you're feeling the fire**_  
_**Don't worry 'bout a-**_

"What's wrong with you? Is this a sensitive girly thing? You're not gonna be all mopey at the party tomorrow, are you?" Gustavo used the controls to cut off the sound beyond the window, leaving them in silence as the boys continued singing and dancing. Kelly looked up from her phone with interest, and Sage jumped again at the mention of the very thing that had her shutting down and curling in on herself to think.

When they arrived at the studio for work, the first thing Gustavo and Kelly told them was that they were expected to attend a dinner party the following day. It was for business, being thrown by Griffin for his investors so they could meet the people they were banking their money on firsthand. It wasn't just Big Time Rush, there were other new employees in the whole RCM-CBT Globalnet Sanyoid company that would be present as well, but that didn't matter to Sage. What mattered was the idea of having people intentionally looking in her direction or expecting to talk to her. Half of her knew she was ready for it, and she hadn't fought against it, but the other half, the half that kept her on edge, was telling her that things could go wrong; that she wouldn't be able to look normal among a large group of people with so much attention on her.

She chuckled shortly at Gustavo's choice of words, thinking that they were very like him; showing some sort of concern but lacing it with whiny and humorous comments.

"I'm fine, but thank you for worrying," Sage grinned and brought her feet up on the chair to tuck her knees against her chest while growing somber again. "About this party… Am I really needed there? I mean, I just work on some of the songs; not anything important," she bit the inside of her cheek and looked at Gustavo hopefully.

"You're plenty important. You're my apprentice, a reflection of me. Plus, you're a rising songwriter," he argued and took his eyes away from her to glare at the boys through the glass when they broke the choreography to roughhouse, the entire foursome laughing when James grabbed Carlos around the waist and attempted to toss him to the floor. Gustavo huffed and hit a button to allow the sound connection to go both ways, realizing for the first time that they had finished the song while he was speaking to Sage. "Stop being idiots and run through it again," he bellowed into the microphone on the dashboard, making the boys freeze before nodding sheepishly; getting into position while Gustavo hit another button to start the music. Sage heard the first few beats play, but then the producer made it silent on their side of the window once more; apparently no longer caring to hear the band as long as the rambunctious teens had a task to follow through with and stayed out of his hair.

"I'm not 'rising'," Sage countered his original statement uncomfortably, tugging at the long sleeves of her shirt in a form of a nervous habit she had developed.

"You will be if the album is the success we're hoping for. People will know your name, and I can't imagine that you wouldn't get some extra attention for dating Kendall," Kelly chimed in with a smirk, looking at her happily after tearing her eyes off of the phone in her hands.

Sage wasn't so pleased. She stopped pulling on her sleeves and settled her hand over her arm instead, running a thumb in a long line over the space she knew the self-inflicted scar on her forearm laid beneath the fabric.

What would people think of her? Her past had to stay a secret. She had no doubt about it, but things at Rocque Records were taking some different turns that she suddenly couldn't keep up with, and the control she had struggled to gain was starting to slip through her fingers. Life was beginning to move on its own, which was better than her not living it at all, but it was still unsettling. She felt panicky and startled at the way Kelly laid the future out for her, a future she hadn't considered. She was just creating music, something she had always done since Julia taught her, and she was grateful for Gustavo because he helped her do it, but she had kept thinking that she could just hide in the shadows. However, that didn't necessarily seem to be the case anymore.

"I think you're giving me too much credit. I don't matter like- "

"Yes, you do," Gustavo interrupted firmly, but he didn't try to make eye contact with her. That was one of his usual quirks. When he said the truth, he didn't really like to face it fully.

"But-"

"Don't argue. What I say always goes. Remember?" he sighed and turned towards her to meet her stare for a second, and then he went back to messing with the buttons even though he couldn't hear anything. "You'll be fine tomorrow. It's just part of the job, and I hired you because I know you can handle the work."

"You hired her because you like her, just like you like the guys," Kelly snickered, growing tired of his weak apathy. She didn't even flinch in her standing position behind them when Gustavo spun in his chair to glare at her. It always aggravated him when his assistant spoke for him honestly. He preferred the indifferent half-truths he worked hard to craft.

"Shut up, Kelly," he hissed, but it didn't appear to bother her in the least.

"Is that true? Do you like us?" Sage teased, earning a smile from Kelly. The two females around Gustavo often made a good duo; a duo that usually annoyed him, but a good one nonetheless.

"I r-respect you," the producer stumbled over the phrase awkwardly, acting as if it made him nauseous to admit it, but then he added more in his characteristic grumpy tone. "If you repeat that to any of them," he pointed through the glass to the dancing boys, "I'll show you all the door," he leaned back in his chair when Sage nodded genuinely. "I agreed to take Kendall and the rest of them as a group because I could see their potential, especially in your boyfriend," he gestured vaguely towards the blonde, who he could tell was singing the chorus of the song from the way his mouth moved with the other guys'.

"The 'fire'?" Sage guessed for clarification, using the term that Kendall had said Gustavo assigned him when they first met in the audition process and he angrily defended James to the producer when Gustavo rudely knocked the talented boy down a few harsh pegs.

"Sure," he almost laughed and relaxed further before he remembered that it wasn't part of his image and sat up even straighter. "I wanted to work with Kendall because I could see his passion. I've been in this industry for a long time, and I could practically smell the knack for music on him. For some insane reason, he didn't want a solo career. He wanted his goons to be with him," Gustavo shook his head when Logan and James threw the detailed choreography away at the climax of the song to dance spastically, eliciting laughter from Kendall and Carlos as they tried to sing.

"They're a family," Sage reminded him confidently, smiling softly at the boys.

"And apparently that's important," Gustavo declared in a mocking tone paired with a chuckle, behaving as if he'd gotten a speech about the subject matter before; most likely from Kendall. "But, whatever. It works. He makes a good leader, and it turns out that the guys aren't really that useless," he admitted stubbornly while still keeping a haughty edge to his voice. "They're a strong team. Logan's not as annoying as the others, and his brain is helpful to have around in a pinch. Carlos can dance better than them all, even though he tends to break shit with his stupid limbs and makes me want to strangle him, and James has a lot of talent. This is his dream. He's eager to please… I like that the most," he smirked smugly, loving it when people did the things he said without a fight. Although, with Kendall around as the leader of the pack, it didn't happen very often.

"Isn't he sweet?" Kelly inquired jokingly and grinned at Sage over her phone, knowing that the girl had fully picked up on the man's ability to couple compliments with insults in a way that so few could.

"I don't know why I keep you around," Gustavo narrowed his eyes at his assistant and then shifted his body back towards the control panel. The boys had finished the song again and were chatting amongst themselves. They weren't damaging anything expensive or killing each other, so Gustavo didn't bother with interrupting them just yet. "Anyway, no more trying to get out of the party, Blondie," he redirected the focus off of him and back onto Sage, who had calmed down considerably because of the conversation; almost forgetting what had started it in the first place, but now fidgeting again at the reminder. "You're going and you'll be your normal, charming self. You're the perfect buffer with those four around," he sighed exhaustedly when they spotted James and Carlos making faces and moving around animatedly in a way that probably wouldn't go over well at a dinner party.

* * *

"You look beautiful," Kendall wrapped his arms around Sage and kissed her neck, his lips pressing along the links of the chain holding her pendant after he pushed her long hair aside. She leaned into the gentle touch, taking comfort in the warmth he always provided while he caressed the green fabric of the dress falling over her hips. "Don't be nervous. I'll be by your side the whole time," he whispered knowingly and kissed his way up her neck until he got to her lips, pressing his to hers when she nodded.

"If you two are about to get freaky on the elevator, I'd appreciate it if you'd wait for us to get off," Logan smirked and kissed Camille's temple after she elbowed him from her cozy position beneath his arm.

"Don't stifle them just because you aren't getting any," James teased, earning himself Camille's other elbow. He winced and glared at her, secretly finding the fact that she glared right back entertaining.

They were on their way to the lobby to meet up with Carlos, who had already gone down to greet Arielle after the limo driver brought her there. It was the night of the dinner party, and Gustavo had graciously allowed the boys to bring dates; maybe because he thought it would make Sage more comfortable or perhaps just because he thought it would force them to behave themselves. Either way, it worked. Having Camille near her gave Sage a certain confidence that she didn't always have otherwise. The kind and fiery actress had a way of transferring her energy to those around her, and Sage always felt it; lessening her anxiety considerably.

"Worry about you and your own date, James," Camille instructed him playfully, eliciting a proud nod from Logan. He loved that his girlfriend bantered and fought with James like he could; that she didn't let him get away with his uncouth comments.

"Fine… What's her name again?" James' face contorted in confusion as he thought hard. Arielle had gotten one of her friends, and fellow model, to accompany James to the dinner party. He could have found his own date without a problem, certainly having enough charm and practice to do so, but Arielle suggested a girl she knew once Carlos called her about the sudden party, and James was quick to jump at the chance to go with a model; stating something along the lines of "That means she has to be hot."

"Rena," the group around him in the elevator all responded at the same time, already growing tired of reminding him again and again. He wasn't that good with the names of girls when his mind was more on their looks and the idea of bedding her rather than actually getting to know them.

"I bet you'd remember her name if you saw her naked," Kendall rolled his eyes and tightened his grip on Sage's waist with one hand as the elevator doors slid open and they piled out.

"I'll let you know how that works out for me," James winked conceitedly.

"Please don't," Sage held her hand up and shook it as Logan and Kendall nodded their heads in agreement.

"Kill joys," James mumbled with dramatic dejectedness.

They all laughed, but that light feeling came to a stop when they reached Arielle and Carlos to see them having a heated conversation at the main entrance.

"I can't believe you're telling me what to do," Arielle whined quietly, but her voice was angry and sharp and easily heard by the group of five watching them.

"I'm not!" Carlos countered anxiously, grabbing her hands with a pleading expression; eyes darting sideways when he saw his friends, who were all suddenly finding the ceiling or the floor very interesting. "I just want you to try to be… nice like I know you can be, Elly," he softened, and it was obvious that he was talking about her attitude when it came to his friends; more of it directed towards Kendall, Logan, Camille, and Sage and less of it about James, who she never seemed to have a problem with. Carlos' begging went relatively unheard. All Arielle focused on was the endearing moniker he had given her.

"I told you never to call me that in public," she ripped her hands from his and swept her bangs out of her eyes nervously, her gaze scanning the area as if people that mattered could hear them. "I'm trying to create a brand name for myself, and it's _**Arielle**_, not _**Elly**_," she admonished him strictly. "I swear, you can be so idiotic sometimes," she shook her head and reached into the small purse she carried for her lip gloss while Carlos rubbed his forehead and sighed, probably regretting his decision to ask her to do anything.

"Holy fuck," Sage whispered as she heard the exchange, a slight amazement in her tone; like she hadn't necessarily intended to say it aloud.

"What?" Kendall murmured back lowly, bending closer to her ear while keeping his eyes on Carlos and Arielle, who was fishing out a mirror to help her apply her makeup accurately.

"I feel like I'm about to get into my first bitch fight," Sage smiled a little but sounded more nervous and terrified than anything else.

"I'm in," Camille added smoothly, her brown eyes burning into Arielle's skull.

"I'll give you each fifty bucks if you actually do it," James uttered excitedly.

"Zip it, James! Gustavo is gonna kill us if anyone ends up in jail!" Logan scolded him too loudly, making Carlos and Arielle turn to them with confused faces; having only heard what he said and nothing more of the conversation.

"Nice to see you all again," the model forced out, freshly glossed lips pursing together as if the words caused her pain, and most of her attention was focused on James, not that he noticed or really cared; still reaching for his wallet with a chuckle as Kendall swatted his arm. "Let's get going, Carlos," Arielle tugged his arm, leaving the boy with no choice but to follow.

"I think she's getting even worse," Sage sighed sadly. It turned out that the gut instinct she had was right; she didn't like who Carlos became at all when he was with Arielle. He altered into someone timid and weak, things that the strong, loveable teen should never ever be.

"Of course she's getting worse. She's got him right where she wants him," Camille agreed forlornly, her and Sage both thinking back to what the Jennifers had told them the day before. Logan and Kendall reluctantly nodded but wished that it wasn't the case.

"You guys need to chill out. Carlos can take care of himself, and Arielle is just… a little more high maintenance than some," James argued uneasily because even he wasn't all that sure of the model's personality, but he didn't want them trying to upset Carlos when he had already said he didn't want to stop seeing her. "And just because the two of them aren't perfect together, and won't turn your amazing quartet into a sextet, doesn't mean it won't work out." There was a hint of bitterness in his attitude as he continued, making the two couples stare at him in bewilderment. He felt like he was on the outside sometimes, but they thought that it was what he wanted. James Diamond didn't care about having a girl to call his own for more than a single night.

"James…" Sage began but James held up his hand to stop her and slipped an effortless smile onto his face; putting the mask he had accidentally dropped back on hastily when he saw her and the others really trying to read him.

"Let's roll. We gotta pick up Trina," James walked towards the door, holding it open for the other four.

"It's Rena," Logan reminded him with exasperation as he ushered Camille through the doorway.

"Like it matters," James laughed. "Just get in the limo and put your game faces on."

It may have technically been a party, but James was right; it was a game too. The banquet hall held dozens of executives and investors, all of whom were looking at the BTR team and sizing them up. They had to impress the right people and not let down Gustavo, who was already standing beside Kelly across the crowded room and schmoozing Griffin and a small assembly of men wearing suits and females clothed in ridiculously expensive evening dresses. James and his date, a model that had long curly, chestnut hair and stood only an inch or two shorter than him, walked in first with confidence; both of them acting as if events like this were second nature to them. To Rena, it probably was, but James just always wanted it to be.

Carlos and Arielle trailed behind them, with Arielle having a bit more grace and presence in every step as she scanned the room with a killer smile, and the other four hung back; none of them exactly equipped to dive right into it without indecision. Dragging her feet involuntarily, Sage was especially hesitant of all the attention. She wished that she was back under the covers with her boyfriend, that she and Kendall could have just stayed hidden and naked in bed all day.

"Are you breathing?" Kendall asked gently, squeezing her against him and rubbing his hand up and down her too-still spine.

"I am now," she inhaled and exhaled with a soft sound once she realized that she hadn't been doing the necessary actions.

"We've trained for this," Logan cautiously reminded her of all the therapeutic work they had engaged in for several hours straight after finding out about the dinner.

"Saying hello to cashiers at the mall doesn't adequately train anyone for this!" Sage complained but didn't fight otherwise and let Kendall walk her sluggishly in the direction James and Carlos had gone.

"What did I say about attitude?" Logan inquired with a lopsided grin that almost matched Camille's beside him when they watched Sage take a calming breath.

"It's half of the battle," she recited the phrase he had told her over and over again and tried to push down the anxiety that grabbed at her chest. It was an odd feeling; one that made her want to run but also frustrated her enough to keep her standing her ground. Kendall helped, though, just like he always did. She may have been getting mouthy because of her agitation, but he knew she was just attempting to cope instead of shutting down. He could feel her trembling under his arm.

"You'll be fine, Sage. None of these people really care who we are. They're just here to see their investment. All we have to do is look pretty," Kendall smirked and dropped a kiss to her pink-tinted lips.

"And we're so good at it!" James jumped into the discussion cheerfully once they got close enough for him to hear, smoothing out his tie as they stood in the center of the room as a large group and surveyed the space around them. He loved it there; a place where it was all about his image and the superficial part of him. It made him feel perfect, and it pushed away all of the inner conflict that had been attempting to plague him lately. In a matter of seconds, the environment had him easing back into his old routine of going with the flow and living high. Just being there was like a drug.

A waiter dressed in a carefully ironed black and white getup walked by with a tray filled with glasses of champagne. James swept one up and clutched it with an interested smile, bringing it to his lips for a sip only to frown when it was snatched away by Camille, who handed it to a waiting Logan. He put it on a random table behind him in a swift motion; the couple moving quickly and smoothly as if they had practiced. James grinded his teeth and rolled his eyes but didn't say a word.

"James is right," Arielle informed them smartly, eyeing their outfits and ignoring the private exchange between friends. "You guys look great. Just don't mess it up," she glared at Carlos when he began tugging on his tie; a habit that he never got better at stopping no matter how many times she forced him to wear one. For some reason, this event seemed almost as important to her as it was to James. "Wait, why are you wearing sneakers?" her eyes widened when she spotted Kendall's gray Vans, horror and revulsion covering her features.

Kendall just stared at her smugly. They had butted heads since day one, and only really interacted a few times since she began dating Carlos. He hated her openly, therefore she despised him just as much; not having a fondness for people taking away the control she wanted like Kendall so easily could. He wasn't the type to people please or fall in line.

"They're comfortable. If you don't like it, don't look at them, _**Elly**_," he bit back a chuckle when the use of her loathed nickname obviously made her skin crawl, and it was an added bonus once he saw Sage trying not to smile beside him; becoming more relaxed.

"The shoes are actually a good choice, Kendall. These types of people like different," Camille announced her approval and took any opportunity to jump into a battle against Arielle, having the same strong feelings towards the model as Kendall did.

"They also like when their money-makers aren't trash," Arielle smirked nastily and initiated a glaring contest with Camille despite the fact that she had just taken another jab at Kendall.

"Can you guys be nice to each other for _**one**_ night, please?" Carlos huffed in annoyance and aimed his question more at Arielle than the others, thinking she should have known better because of his earlier, apparently unheard, pleading.

"You should be defending me," she grumbled infuriatingly but attempted to keep her appearance calm because of onlookers.

"Not if you're wrong," Logan snapped back, quickly getting to the point of crossing his own breaking point with the callous girl.

"I'm not loving your friends right now, Carlos," Arielle told her boyfriend. She made it sound as if she had said it time and time again, and he clenched his jaw and stared at the high ceiling of the hall.

"What a coincidence! We're not too keen on you either," Kendall kept his smirk but his words were taunting.

"What the fuck, guys?" Carlos hissed and met the gaze of each one of them.

"Gustavo said to look happy," Sage smiled nervously when she saw the producer looking at their group of eight with an irritated glare.

"Sage is right. Everyone stop being a buzz kill. Leave Arielle alone," James sighed but still smiled as he slunk an arm around Rena's shoulders and scanned the room for the fifth time.

"Thank you, James," Arielle gave him a grin that verged on flirty and reached out to squeeze his free arm before saddling back up beside Carlos and letting him put his hand on her waist.

"It's not like she's gonna change anyway," James added quietly, leaning away from his date just so his family, minus Carlos, could hear him.

"Can we get a drink?" Rena asked randomly. It was one of the first things she said other than "hello". She was a silent, beautiful type, unlike the overbearing Arielle. This model was more into looking pretty than striking up a conversation, and that made her James' perfect candidate for a good night.

"I like the way you think," James' voice lowered into a husky and playful tone reserved only for girls like her and grabbed two glasses of champagne when another waiter walked by, keeping his back to Logan and the others this time so no one could take it away from him without causing an undesired scene.

"Be careful," Kendall begged gently, planting a smile on his face when Kelly began approaching them.

"I'm always careful," James chuckled right before drinking down half of the champagne, missing alcohol too much to be considered normal. Logan twitched but kept his mouth shut.

"You guys look great," Kelly greeted the group with a brilliant smile. "Gustavo wants the five of you to come meet some people. Griffin's over there too, so be good, okay?" she ordered them in the sweetest way possible, waving for them to follow and effectively stopping Logan from reprimanding James, who went in the direction Kelly walked with the flute still in his hand; leaving Rena to stay with Arielle.

"Sorry, Cam," Sage mumbled right before she, Kendall, Logan, and Carlos all left her behind with the two models, both of whom were beginning to gossip obnoxiously and criticizing a few of the guests' wardrobe choices.

"Hurry back," she kissed Logan's cheek quickly and then reluctantly let him go, immediately biting her tongue to keep her anger towards the pair of catty girls in check.

The five teenagers moved through the crowd of finely dressed and pleasant looking employees, investors, and executives in the softly lit dining room, Kendall keeping a tight hold on Sage's body each step of the way. She had prepared for settings of this magnitude for months, and it luckily wasn't as bad as she thought. The sense of being weighed down and forced to struggle was there, and it had her occasionally breathing irregularly, but she was surprisingly calm. It probably had a lot to do with the fact that she was flanked by her family; Kendall and Logan on one side and James and Carlos instinctively moving to cover the other as if it were as natural as blinking for them to protect her. She was grateful for that every day.

"Ah, there they are!" Griffin jovially announced their arrival to his small group, his ever present chipper demeanor gracing them all. His colleagues seemed to like it, but it made the band nervous because they knew of the power he had over them all; knew how important it was to be careful around him. "This is the new band, Big Time Rush, and we've also got a promising, young songwriter on board with them, Sage Henderson."

Sage was honestly surprised Griffin remembered her name at all, let alone broadcasted it with such confidence, but she figured it was his place to know everything, and that in itself was a little unsettling; making the entire quintet wonder just how much he knew other than her name.

"We love new talent," a woman that looked to be about Griffin's age spoke first and kept her blue eyes on the CEO more than the actual band. "And you think they're good, Gustavo? They'll make us money?" she surveyed the group with a skilled stare, sweeping up and down, left and right; causing all but James to squirm. He loved to be looked at by anyone and everyone.

"They're going to be a big hit. I know it," Gustavo answered with an eager smile. "They've made miles of progress since they first signed on."

"And that's only because of our talented producer," Kendall added smoothly, sending a gracious grin his boss' way. Gustavo's mouth opened for a second and his eyes narrowed slightly as if he was expecting a punch line, but then he let it go when Kendall turned away and smiled charismatically at the nameless woman; someone who meant nothing to him in the long run but obviously meant something to Gustavo's job. "He's going to be responsible for all of our success," he added, and Carlos, James, Logan, and Sage nodded easily in agreement.

"Good to know," the powerful female smirked at the young boy, most likely delighted by his strong presence and well-crafted words. Someone with the ability to handle themselves so wonderfully in public and group settings was a sign of a good investment, one they could trust to perform well and not make the company look bad at the worst times.

It wasn't much of a conversation after that, Sage adding her own dialogue here and there if she was addressed and doing her best to not sound as nervous as she felt, and that was how the entire evening went. They met people, people who would ask them questions or verbally and visually evaluate them with standards only known to their own minds, and then those people would wander away to meet others while the next ones were brought up. After a while, it kept being more of the same again and again; so much so that Sage had fully relaxed less than halfway through because of the routine of it all. Routines always helped her feel like she had a grasp on herself and the environment around her, and Kendall's hand fitting permanently and snugly on top of her hip didn't hurt the situation.

So, Kendall and Sage, and even the somewhat socially awkward Logan, had a decent time and merely did what needed to be done while still acting like themselves. James and Carlos took approaches that were a bit different.

James had taken up drinking for fun like it was part of the job, picking up another champagne glass as soon as the one he had been holding was empty. He didn't necessarily get drunk, but he wasn't holding back either, and Rena didn't help his attitude. She was a perfect fit for his playful and sexual demeanor; openly flirting with him whenever he got down time from the meet and greets and they were left to enjoy dinner. She would giggle when he made a joke or even when he brushed a hand against her body, and he loved each sound, but then he had this odd way of being able to turn all of that off as soon as someone in a suit got near him. Then he'd become the perfect figure of beauty, talent, and poise so they could judge him and give him what he called a "passing grade".

Carlos was shockingly skilled at acting himself; being the faultlessly behaved person Arielle kept reminding him to be. The strangers in the room seemed to like it, but it troubled the others that actually knew him; knew that he wasn't being the happy person he truly was. He wasn't being the guy who would have won people over with his goofy sense of humor rather than with the beautiful, well-spoken girl by his side or and charm that was effective but still unnatural to him. He turned fake. Carlos Garcia was a lot of crazy things, but phony was not one of them.

Gustavo and Kelly hadn't noticed, though; more concerned with everything going over well than with what was actually happening in front of them. Plus, Carlos and James were pretty convincing when around the right people. If they hadn't been watching so closely, Kendall, Sage, Logan, and Camille might not have noticed the little differences themselves.

"I'm prou- I mean, good job tonight dogs… and Blondie…" Gustavo told them at the end of the evening, making it sound as if someone was twisting a knife in his gut to admit it but doing it regardless with Kelly grinning by his side.

"The investors and execs loved you," she added for them all when she felt like her boss' sour tone warranted a little extra cheer from her.

"So, does this mean we get a treat or something?" James wondered in a chipper voice, enhanced by the alcohol. He was most definitely verging on drunk from all of the glasses he chugged down throughout the night, but he still had an astonishing way of covering it up. Say what you will about him, but he was good at what he did, even if it was sickeningly sad.

"Maybe a week off?" Carlos suggested cutely, his normal and energetic attitude returning whenever his girlfriend wasn't on watch. Arielle was standing back with Rena on the sidewalk outside of the building the party was held at, waiting for the limo to pull up while rubbing their hands up and down their thin arms. Camille didn't bother being near them now that she was no longer forced to be and chose to happily attach herself to Logan instead, burrowing under his warm arm as a cool breeze passed through.

"You get to not be fired, and you'll like it!" Gustavo shouted back loud enough for his voice to be heard over the passing traffic. Sage and the boys hardly blinked at the sound, having grown accustomed to the outbursts.

"Sounds good," Logan informed him spiritedly, a dash of fear in there too, but it dissipated when Gustavo softened after Kelly slapped his arm.

"And you dogs can sleep in tomorrow, but I want you at the studio by 2pm _**sharp**_."

"Thanks, Gustavo!" Kendall ran up and patted his back gratefully with the hand that wasn't locked securely with one of Sage's before rushing past him towards the approaching limo. Each of the boys followed suit; fumbling through his personal space with strikes to his back or playful punches to his shoulder. The producer shrugged awkwardly and waved them off as if they were a swarm of flies invading his space, but Kelly continued smirking beside him while they watched the band pile into the limousine.

"You like them," the assistant singsong-ed annoyingly and stepped towards the edge of the curb and waited for their car to make it down the street.

"Shut up," Gustavo grumbled and stayed back.

"All five of them are different than any band you've ever worked with…" Kelly told him smugly, peering over her shoulder and holding her shawl tighter to her body when another wind blew through the tight passageway that the buildings created; making it speed up more than it would have in an open space.

"Don't care!" Gustavo bellowed childishly and walked to stand beside her as their ride neared the curb.

Kelly just rolled her eyes and smiled.

* * *

After Arielle and Rena, who gave James her number for an any-time-you-want booty call, were dropped off at their respective homes and Camille was escorted by Logan to her apartment and left with a sweet goodnight kiss, the residents of 2J found their happiness stifled by uncharacteristic silence. The only sound was James humming to himself, alcohol-buzzed mind apparently not reading the tension radiating off of Carlos; the source of the too-quiet group. Both of his faces, his false pleased one and the truly peppy one, had disappeared and left them with almost nothing; a blank expression that exuded something building inside since the start of the night.

He slipped off his jacket while Logan shut and locked the door after ushering the bouncy James in and pushing him in the direction of the sitting area. Kendall let Sage loosen his tie, knowing she needed to release some nervous energy by the way her fingers twitched and her eyes shifted lovingly up to his and then worriedly over to Carlos, who tossed his jacket onto the table and kicked off his expensive shoes violently; momentarily not caring that his girlfriend would whine about him scuffing them later.

"You guys were total dicks to Arielle tonight," he finally spoke, venom in the sound as he turned to stare at them all except for Sage, knowing that she didn't necessarily like Arielle but she had also kept her mouth politely shut.

"I played nice," James squealed at being falsely accused and stumbled towards the couch, letting his shins hit it before he fell down face first with continuous giggles.

Carlos looked at him merely to acknowledge that he was correct but otherwise ignored him because he was aggravated by his best friend's actions. James let himself get tipsy. He took advantage of his surroundings and slipped back into old habits without so much as a second thought, but that was the least of Carlos' worries now, and James really wasn't going to change with a snap of his fingers anyway. Honestly, he doubted he'd change much at all at this rate, but maybe it was just his hostile mood making him think it.

"You should do something about her," Kendall stepped in cautiously. His tone said he was sorry, but his words were solid and sure as he let go of Sage and left her standing quietly at the kitchen counter while he began unbuttoning his dress shirt so only his undershirt would remain; feeling the room heating up with the amount of strain filling it.

"Fine, Kendall. Tell me! What should I do?" Carlos smiled, a dark and angry countenance that made Logan, Sage, and Kendall flinch at its abnormality.

"Break up with her…" Kendall was confident but nervous about his suggestion. He didn't like the way his brother looked. It was something he wasn't sure he had ever seen; like the boy was approaching the edge of a cliff with the mentality of preparing to go over into the dark abyss rather than thinking clearly and considering the option of backing away.

"Oh, you're gonna get hit," James chimed in melodically, adding another giggle on the end of his sentence while he lifted his legs up and spun on his butt so that his calves hung over the back of the orange couch and his head nearly connected with the coffee table in front of it. Logan hurried over with a sigh and pushed his feet down, making him sit back up; thinking that the position was going to promote him upchucking the alcohol and pricey dinner in his stomach. James resisted the movement but stopped when Sage wordlessly sat next to him and patted his knee comfortingly, staring at him and initiating a silent conversation; telling him not to cause a scene when the focus needed to be on Carlos. She thanked whatever god was listening, seeing James' blissed expression sober up just a fraction as he settled back into the couch and sat like a normal human being.

"Kendall, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend just because you want me to," Carlos argued petulantly, pouting and shaking his head while crossing his arms; almost as if he was trying to keep himself guarded.

"This isn't about what I want. It's about what's good for you. She's just… She's terrible to you, man. You turn into a different guy when she's around," Kendall explained gloomily and leaned back into the counter, shoving his hands into his pockets at staring at his friend with sad eyes.

Carlos grunted but gave no other answer while rolling up the sleeves of his shirt, glaring at them like they were the problem.

"The Jennifers are even worried about her. Arielle used to live here… Did she ever tell you that? They said that she was worse than them, that she was using you…" Sage admitted with a soft tone, scared of her own voice; scared of the reaction she'd get.

"Maybe it's nice to be fucking used once in a while!" Carlos yelled and threw his hands in the air before grabbing at his scalp. "I don't think you guys are understanding the fact that no one ever _**wants**_ me. I'm dumb, reckless, childish Carlos! Girls aren't exactly chasing me down!" he laughed darkly and ignored the information Sage gave him about Arielle's old living situation; information his girlfriend had left out when they were getting to know each other. He anxiously rubbed his palms on the thighs of his pants and exhaled loudly.

And things started to become a little clearer.

"C-Carlos…" James tried but didn't know what else to say, not trusting his hazed mind to come up with the right words and unsure he'd have them even if he wasn't intoxicated.

"I'm, uh… I-I'm going to bed," Carlos mumbled. He refused to meet anyone's gazes, shaken and upset by his sudden admittance of the things he had kept telling everyone and himself didn't exist.

He rushed away up the stairs, something that was unsettling in itself because he always used to use the swirly slide to get to the second floor, and entered his and Logan's room; a gentle click of the door being the only sound in the apartment.

"I'll talk to him," Logan whispered faintly, actually feeling confident but not sounding it.

When he got no arguments, he sluggishly made his way toward the staircase and ascended the steps with heavy feet; not wanting to make Carlos edgier by chasing right after him with too much force. After he got to the door to their bedroom, he waited for a few seconds as he worked up the courage to go in and face his secretly distraught friend, but he pushed his own anxiety away and walked into the room smoothly. Carlos had already shed the dreaded outfit Arielle dressed him in, only left in his blue boxers and humorously leaving his tie draped around his neck as he sat on his bed; facing the back wall and with a tennis ball in his palm. He eyed Logan when he came into his peripheral vision but didn't say anything as he chucked the ball at the wall above his headboard, listening to it connect with a dull thump before coming back at him so he could catch it swiftly.

Logan sat on the edge of his own bed and stared at the relatively unresponsive boy, taking the time to slip out of his shoes and slowly scoot across the mattress so his back was pressing into the wall that the bed was pushed against. He brought his knees to his chest and lazily placed his wrists on top of them.

"Listen, Carlos, I wa- "

"I don't even like Arielle most of the time, you know…" Carlos spoke abruptly, ceasing his movements with the tennis ball to stare at the vibrant, rough covering of it as he rotated it in his fingers. Logan blinked a few times at his confession and only snapped out of it when his friend looked at him, seeming to be waiting for a response; for guidance.

"Then why the hell are you with her?" Logan scoffed and chuckled incredulously, wincing slightly when Carlos threw the ball at him, but he caught it with practiced skill.

"Because she likes _**me**_," Carlos answered quietly but openly. He spun on his mattress and mirrored Logan's position, pressing his bare shoulders back into the wall along his bed; twisting himself up in the unkempt blankets but not bothering to shimmy his way out of the tangled mess and choosing instead to wiggle his fingers at Logan so he'd toss the ball back.

"That shouldn't be the only reason you date someone," Logan let the tennis ball fly and Carlos caught it easily.

"My list of criteria isn't all that long," Carlos smirked tiredly and lobbed the ball back at his friend across the room.

"That's because you never give yourself enough credit, buddy," Logan held onto the ball when he spoke, hoping to get the boy's full attention. Carlos bit his lip and looked down at his lap, picking at a scab on his knee, but he didn't deny anything. "You shouldn't settle for someone just because you see no other available options. Arielle is the first girl that showed an interest in you here, but she definitely won't be the last. There are _**so**_ many more out there that want you like her, only they'll be less bitchy and more funny and kind like you."

Logan could understand what if felt like to feel unwanted. He had lived most of his life that way with the majority of the girls around him. He got extremely lucky with Camille. She had pursued him right off the bat, but not experiencing that could be taxing on a person like Carlos; someone who was so open and loved the idea of falling in love. In a rare occurrence, Kendall had gotten his feelings returned from a girl that adored him as much as he adored her, and James never worried himself with emotions or relationships; choosing to only focus on physical intimacy, which he got plenty of. Logan and Carlos were different. They wanted someone to love them some day, and they hadn't gotten that yet, but at least Logan was close to a chance with Camille. Carlos was left floundering with nothing.

Logan tossed the ball back, nodding as if it required the conversation to be turned over to Carlos.

"What if I can change her?"

What he had meant was "fix her", but even Carlos was sure that it was an impossibility. He just couldn't stop himself from saying it as a last ditch effort.

"What if she changes you first?" Logan disputed quickly, giving Carlos a lopsided grin as if he knew he had hit home.

"Why do you always ask the right questions?" he whined and quickly chucked the ball back at the teen on the other bed.

"I'm the genius… but, in this case, I really wish I was wrong… I'm sorry, Car…" Logan gripped the tennis ball tightly in his hand and stared at Carlos sullenly.

The boy sighed with an equally gloomy expression and didn't speak again.

It worried Logan, because him not saying anything meant that he was thinking, and it also meant that he wasn't necessarily agreeing with him about Arielle. One of Carlos' best qualities was his ability to see the good in absolutely everything. He brought light to everyone, but all of that positive energy left a long, long way for him to get pulled down into any kind of darkness. He was so easy to please, and so eager to give that joy he had to others, that it was almost effortless to control him as long as he had no moral objection to the activity. That was why it was eerily simple for Arielle to mold him and regulate him, and it was scary to think that he would keep going along with it until something severely damaging shoved him off his current track of catering to her every whim and ignoring his own.

They all knew that Carlos had an inevitable choice ahead of him, and his concerned family just hoped that he'd make the best one for himself before things got worse.

* * *

**A/N: So, this chapter had a few hints of things to come (especially on the James and the Carlos/Arielle front :)**

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this chapter :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I appreciate any feedback and I love meeting fellow readers/fans of BTR. Don't be shy :) Also, if you leave a signed review but don't have private messaging enabled, then I unfortunately can't respond to the review, but I APPRECIATE them all :)**

**As always, I'll see you all next Saturday :)**


	46. Big Time Split

**A/N: So, I think something a lot of you have been waiting for concerning Arielle and Carlos is going to happen in this chapter ;) Plus, more James angst- some of the greatest angst there is lol**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

******Also, Big Time Rush's song, "Big Time Rush", is used in this chapter. I do not own that either :)**

**On with PTS! :D Please, enjoy and review :) **

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 46: BIG TIME SPLIT_

* * *

Carlos groaned as he woke up, pushing his face into the extremely soft and pricey white pillows of Arielle's bed. The problem he had with her luxurious apartment was the light exposure in the bedroom. It's like it was designed for normal people, people who wanted to be up with the sun in the morning. It was way too vivid. Every ray of light reflected off of the elegant and crisp surfaces of the room, making it feel as if his eyes were burning even if he squeezed them shut and threw an additional expensive pillow over his head along with the matching white sheets. His brain was throbbing and he wanted to blame the sun for all of his problems, but, if he was honest, it was merely due to the stress his girlfriend was putting him under.

He really should have broken up with her weeks ago after the night of the dinner party, but he couldn't get himself to do the deed. He tried a couple of times but always chickened out. It seemed that he constantly lost his fearless attitude when he was around the controlling model, even when she pissed him off more than anyone ever had besides Elliot Henderson, and Carlos figured Arielle got extra points that almost tied her with Sage's stepfather because he had to actually interact with her personally. It drained him to the point of finding difficulty in being the person he wanted to be. She was changing him, and it was terrifying. So why couldn't he just slam on the brakes and toss her out of this figurative car ride from hell?

Sighing into the pillow, Carlos finally rolled over and faced the light of day. Arielle wasn't asleep beside him anymore, and he stretched his limbs out; pushing his bare body into the silky fabric of the bedding as he yawned. The room was quiet and still aside from the sounds of Arielle moving in the bathroom and the morning traffic below the wall of windows to his left. He lifted himself onto his elbows and stared at the scenery, feeling the ability to smile through all of his stress at the view. The city really was beautiful in its own way; alive and always shifting like he tended to do himself. It was a far cry from Sherwood, Minnesota. It gave him more opportunities and more freedom, and it put him in a good mood most days when he would step out into the smoggy air; choosing to ignore the pollution and instead focus on the happy, bustling people and the vibrancy of the large space. He felt unrestrained, looking out the window at the skyline of Los Angeles, but then he remembered where he was looking at it from and he began to feel shoved back down.

Arielle was singing a song to herself in the connecting bathroom, words and beat indecipherable to Carlos. He frowned when he was continuously burdened with the sensation of being watched and controlled, even with her in another room. Relationships were supposed to be mutual, and this one certainly wasn't. Arielle was way above him. He had known it from the start, but he just hadn't grasped how she could have used it against him. Now he felt a little stuck.

He checked the purple watch on his wrist, smirking triumphantly when he realized that the fashion-oriented Arielle had somehow missed the plastic timepiece in her inspection and dressing of him the evening before. It was too early for him to be awake after the night he had, full of loud music and moving bodies with insincerely smiling faces while Arielle tugged him here and there; expecting him to remember names and people as she introduced them. He was sure he had met the entire city by now, or at least everyone that mattered to Arielle and her profession.

"Make it count, play it straight. Don't look back, don't hesitate…"

Carlos laughed silently to himself at his girlfriend's singing, her voice becoming clearer after the hairdryer was shut off. She was stumbling her way through BTR's debut song, "Big Time Rush", which was already extremely popular on the local radio because of Gustavo's clout in the music business and it was a rising favorite among teen audiences on the internet; one of their most powerful tools according to the higher-ups. The boys couldn't believe that they'd be performing it for actual people soon. December had just arrived, and it would only be a few more months before their album would officially drop and they'd do a small tour of concert locations mixed with television and radio spots. As stated by Gustavo, Kelly, and Griffin, that would be the start of everything; a rise to the "top". James literally glowed at the idea while Kendall simply thought it was cool, just being happy for the opportunity after everything that he had gone through. Logan was still trying to wrap his logical mind around the likelihood of being famous, having been a kid in a small Minnesota town on his way to becoming a doctor and then suddenly turning into one fourth of a boy band in California. Carlos just took it all in stride. He'd go wherever and do whatever as long as it was with his family, and having the time of his life was a great bonus.

"If you want it all, lay it on the line. It's the only life you got, so you gotta live it big time…"

Biting his tongue, Carlos attempted not to literally chuckle out loud. He prayed that they would sound better than Arielle when they performed. She was a vocal disaster, but then he sighed and remembered that he didn't used to be a singer either, and the need for ridicule died away as fast as it had come.

That was his biggest problem; thinking on the positive side and making excuse after excuse for Arielle, even for stupid things like tone deafness. He was always catering to her; going where she wanted to go and seeing who she wanted to see. It was just last night when he had attended what felt like his millionth get-together at his hundredth club even though he would have rather been home.

He tried to sip on a drink at the nightclub when she'd shove one into his hand. He did it to please her, and to follow the silent order to loosen up and fit in with her friends, but he mostly steered clear of the alcohol as much as he could since James began his ongoing slipups; figuring he'd set a good example and try to keep a level head even if his friend wasn't there to see it. So, after introductions, Carlos would stay back and watch his girlfriend and her countless cronies get tipsy and act foolish while somehow maintaining an air of perfection and privilege. It wasn't too hard for him to blend in with the wild side of them, always having been crazy and full of energy when he'd get high on just life, but it had been getting more difficult lately. It was getting harder to be around Arielle.

With the passage of time, in addition to the emotional things his family had him admitting to himself, it wasn't so easy to like his girlfriend at all anymore. She was a relentless buzz in his ear and a hand on his arm when they were out. She was watching and guiding him like a dog that needed to be trained. Sure, her controlling nature was wrong, but it was also just plain irritating to him. He was used to being free, and Arielle made him everything but. She held him down physically and mentally, trying to tell him what to think and how to be and putting ideas in his head about the people he loved. That never went over well. He mostly ignored her, and her plan of making him believe that Sage, Logan, and Kendall were bad for him only went as far as to cause some aggravation when Carlos attempted to mend that permanently destroyed bridge. James was always left out of it. For some reason, Arielle generally approved of him. She liked him.

That should have been a warning sign in itself.

Yet Carlos was still with her. He was still waking up a couple of mornings a week in her penthouse. He wasn't good at letting things go or cutting things off. He was the guy that was perpetually cheery and looking for the bright side in everyone. He didn't want to seek out confrontation. He couldn't even imagine how to start a conversation with Arielle about breaking up. The only other experience he had in that area was with Roselynn, but their decision to split was a mutual one that they both understood and agreed to when she proposed it. He didn't have to initiate it.

"You're still here?" Arielle's brown eyes met his for a moment before she grinned and finished exiting the bathroom, steam escaping the doorway along with her. She only wore a towel around her slim torso, but her hair was perfectly styled, and her makeup was lightly but artfully applied. The soft colors almost made her actually look her age, nineteen, and it was a nice change from the dark stuff she caked on when they went out in the evenings. "I thought you would have left by now," she called to him as she disappeared into her closet, and he saw her face before she was out of his sight. It held some sort of disdain, an annoyance that was nearly constantly evident if she wasn't careful enough about covering it up.

"I was comfy!" he complained playfully. It was his job to make the tone lighter between them. It seemed to lift her up and get rid of some of the ice coating everything about her, but it usually exhausted him now. He hated being fake.

"That bed cost me thousands of dollars. It better be comfortable," Arielle giggled, giving him the reaction he was hoping for, and sauntered out of her walk-in closet with a pair of sandals in one hand and a pink sundress draped over her arm. Carlos stiffened on the pillows when he realized just how expensive the bedding was, like he didn't want to do anything to damage it, but then he remembered that they had sex in it the night before, so Arielle couldn't have cared too much about its well-being. She had plenty of money to burn on new stuff anyway. He sat up completely, pushing his back into the cushy headboard as he watched her gingerly place her shoes on the floor and approach him.

"What are you doing today?" he asked casually. He wondered when the best time to have a serious discussion with her would actually be. The present always felt wrong. That logic wouldn't get him far, and he knew it, but he had never been the smart one.

"Later tonight, I'm going to have dinner with my parents," Arielle sat beside him at the edge of the bed, taking in his muscular upper torso with appreciative and hungry eyes. Carlos always sort of wanted that type of attention, but he never wanted it to be the only kind he got from a girl. "But right now I'm getting ready to meet Rena and Hayley for brunch, and then we have a meeting with our agency about setting up a group shoot with a rising photographer and a popular designer! Isn't that-"

"I thought you weren't really friends with Hayley anymore?" Carlos interjected curiously, raising a brow and fighting not to smirk. He found himself feeling a little smug when he actually saw through some of her deceptions rather than rolling right along with them. Arielle's smile faltered for a second, her glossy lips slipping open in thought before she recovered.

"Why are you interrupting me, honey? It's rude. Remember what I said about working on your people skills," she reminded him with a kiss to his cheek, cunningly deflecting his inquisition.

She slid off the king-sized bed and practically skipped away from it, both to hurry off and to show him just how much she didn't care. The model stood in front of her dresser, and he could see her reflection in the mirror in front of it as she fiddled with her extensive collection of jewelry. Carlos clenched his teeth together until his jaw ached, frustrated by how easily she ignored his question about her druggy friend that essentially hurt James by giving him coke. He watched his girlfriend in the mirror for a few seconds, noticing that his own reflection was right next to hers from his perspective behind her on the bed. As she remained oblivious, Carlos held out his hands to make it look as though they were around her neck and then shook them like he could truly strangle her. Instead of manifesting that thought into real violence, he just huffed out a heavy breath and shoved himself down into the bedding so that only the tops of his shoulders touched the headboard.

"Problem, Carlos?" Arielle ceased her movements, holding a pair of sunglasses and a silver necklace, and stared at his mirror image for exactly two seconds before she went back to sorting her accessories. He could have sworn that he saw a smirk on her face, but he ignored it along with everything else.

"Nope," he answered shortly because he was worried that his frustrated tone would be embellished with more words and then a confrontation would begin no matter what, and Carlos Garcia never did that; he didn't argue or fight with girls.

His parents were still together after many years of marriage and raising four children because, according to his father, you always give allowances to your companion. You always have to work just as hard to see it from their perspective as you do for your own, and that was what Carlos kept telling himself day after day when Arielle would do things like this or worse. He told himself that she had reasons, that she had a right to feel and act the way she wanted to.

Carlos loved his father, but Eduardo had never met anyone like Arielle Prescott or lived in a place like Los Angeles, and he was starting to think that the man's advice was pure shit when applied to this new world. It wasn't making him, or the rest of the people he loved, happy. Something had to change, and he was the only one who could gather up the balls to do it.

"Elly?" he called her delicately and Arielle, once again, stopped what she was doing.

He liked the nickname from almost the very start of their relationship. He said it the first time they slept together in the bed he sat in now, and she had even rolled her eyes at him then, but there was a smile there too. He tried to use the moniker when he could because he thought it softened her visually and audibly; made her look and sound less threatening to his mind. However, it tended to irritate her more than placate her, especially when they were around other people because of her building a "brand name", which was something she told him time and time again that he "couldn't understand".

"I thought I said to stop calling me that?" Arielle looked at him through the mirror, giving him a glare so hard that he thought the glass would melt. She didn't even bother to turn around to see him. It was another reminder of how separate they were, talking through reflections and distorted images; keeping them in two different universes.

"You told me not to say it in public. We're in your room," Carlos gave her the grin that would usually make others around him put on their own. It was one of his charms, or so he was told, but it rarely worked on Arielle. She didn't necessarily like who he was, so he shouldn't have expected his personal and loveable quirks to have an effect on her.

"Touché," she responded dryly and took her eyes off of him, looking down to slip a few rings onto her fingers to see what she would like best for the day. She wasn't amused and acted like he hadn't just been seeking her attention by calling out to her; once again not giving him what he wanted even in the smallest of ways. Carlos spoke anyway, though.

"I was thinking about us as a couple," he started shakily and sat up on the bed again, expensive sheets pooling on his bare lap as he played with the hem between his fingers, "and I thought that, maybe, we shou-" he stopped abruptly when Arielle spun around, not giving him an angry expression but a smile instead; the one that always got her what she wanted.

"I think about us a lot too, babe," she strolled over to him and hopped onto the bed, not doing much to hold up the towel around her other than placing a hand at the top of it. She crawled into his lap, and he quirked his lips upwards despite himself. "I'm glad we're together," she added in what she probably thought was a sweet way, but, with practice, he could hear the falsity in her voice. He had picked up her ticks and, unfortunately, a smile that looked endearing and honest was one of them. Honesty just wasn't in the cards for her.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned in for a kiss that he eagerly engaged in. Carlos was human, and he had to admit that he did enjoy the sex with Arielle, but if anyone ever legitimately asked him about it he would deny it because his desire for contact and a blissful, sexual high made him feel too much like James for his liking.

"Me too," he murmured and pecked her lips once as she pulled back. He attempted to put his hands on her exposed hips to initiate some sort of intimacy between them, but she slipped away with one last short kiss and bounced off to get dressed without another look in his direction now that she had successfully dodged what she most likely knew he was going to say. He fell onto the pillows again and stared at the high, spotless ceiling.

His final words to her had been a lie, just like hers. They were both deceivers now, one right as rain and the other struggling not to drown in the downpour.

* * *

James felt like a dirty, dirty liar.

He was out with Rena, the girl Arielle had set him up with a few weeks ago, and the get-together tonight was supposed to be a burger and a movie, just to be cordial, and then a quickie in the car before they went their separate ways. That's what he told Sage and the guys, striving to be good while still being himself after his blunder at the work event and getting a little too into the alcohol. But he lied. He was nowhere near a movie theater, or a burger place, and they weren't half naked and fucking in the back of a car. He was at a party, one that wasn't innocent or very safe for his mindset, but he still couldn't bring himself to care enough to turn his ass around and go home. Rena suggested it, and he agreed without thinking twice. He really had no clue as to when he got so fucked up in the head. It was probably sometime between his parents' divorce and his early discovery of sex as a tool for escape. His life, his choices, had "danger" and "Hollywood cliché failure" written all over them, but he kept making them anyway; kept walking into traps.

This time he literally sauntered into one.

James entered the townhouse Rena brought him to, unsure if it belonged to her or a friend but really not caring either way. He placed a hand on her hip, already groping the skin without shame; his pinky and ring finger slipping down the scandalous hem of her skirt and tickling the naked flesh of her thigh. She obviously loved every second of the attention, leaning into him and running her hand up and down the length of his firm back before tucking it into the rear pocket of his jeans.

He liked her as much as he could possibly like a hookup. She was quiet, which involved no boring conversation that meant nothing to him, and she understood him; understood that he didn't want to be understood. It was complicated, he knew, but that was why he appreciated that she somehow got it, and so did her friends. None of the dozens of people in the house around him cared who he was or what he did or how he felt. All they wanted was a good time, which worked perfectly for James. No one was there to tell him to stop or to think. He'd regret it later, of course, but he didn't want to think about that. He didn't want to put any thought into the future for a few hours.

"What do you wanna drink?" Rena spoke clearly over the music, making it seem like she had practice with this type of setting. The song was pretty loud, and he was sure that the police would have been called by the neighbors if the insulation work wasn't so crafty. The sound that could be heard from outside of the party was a far cry from what was actually happening on the inside.

"Anything's fine," James gave her a winning smile and teasingly bit at her neck, making the brunette model giggle before shoving him away and disappearing into the crowd of dancers. They were piling out of what looked like a dining room with a staircase beside it leading to the second floor, which had a whole new slew of partygoers having their own fun.

The space he was in was a sitting area. There were teens littering the floor, couches, and chairs; each one looking tragically beautiful in their own way. A smell he had familiarized himself with months ago, one of weed, permeated the air with the music and essence of booze and, faintly, sex. James was depressed to admit that he almost felt at home there, the only thing keeping him from fully relaxing being the thought of his real home and the things it offered that were stronger than any drugs, but he rejected those ideas and shoved them away; determined to have a good time for the night now that he was out. That was the best and worst part about his lies; he figured that once he made one it was natural to make another and then another until he had a nice, big pile to deal with all at once.

Rena returned with a beer for him, shoving it into his hand before taking a swig of her own and pulling him through the pack of dancers. She waved and blew kisses here and there to people she knew and stopped dragging James when they reached a coffee table and loveseat pushed against one of the walls. Who was there should have surprised him, or at least startled him, but it didn't. With her legs crossed suggestively and a glass of amber liquid in her hand, red nails complimenting the color, Arielle looked like she belonged nowhere else but on that couch. Having Cody and Hayley seated in the chair at the end of the table, the redheaded girl positioned rightfully in the boy's lap as he rubbed his hands up and down her thighs, just completed the picture that warned James of what kind of night this was truly going to be.

"Ree! You made it!" Arielle waved, a subtle wiggle of her fingers that could pass as excitement, and patted the empty cushion beside her.

"And I brought a cute face," Rena chuckled and tugged on James again to get him around the coffee table, making him feel like Carlos with all the pushy pulling, but he let her do it and fell down beside Arielle first so that his date could prop herself up in his lap.

"Hey! I remember you," Cody grinned at him and jerked his head in greeting. He probably thought he'd never see James again after Carlos forced him out of their last gathering.

"Jake, right?" Hayley giggled and pointed at him before burying her face in Cody's neck with more laughter.

"It's James, sweetie," Cody smirked at James and then kissed the top of his girl's head before squeezing her ass.

"Pretty sure that's what I said," she informed him teasingly, lifting a joint she had between her fingers up to her lips and inhaling happily.

"Good to see you again," James nodded and downed some of his beer.

It was just another lie, one that he was fine with committing this time. He could play nice if it meant free booze and a chance to get up the stunning Rena's skirt. Arielle, however, was a different story. He didn't owe her anything.

"I heard you were having dinner with your parents," he grinned at the blonde, and only smiled wider when she glared at him in annoyance. It amazed him that she really was under the impression that the family of 2J wasn't strong or meaningful; like she thought that they didn't talk and wasn't expecting Carlos to have told James the fib she gave him earlier that morning.

"I lied… Don't you lie, Jamie?" Arielle recovered easily, something he actually admired a bit, and plastered an effortless and flirty smile on her face. What she said sounded accusing and smug, like she knew everything about him. He wanted to think that maybe Carlos had told her things, but he knew that it was most likely because he was painfully transparent to the right people no matter how hard he tried to be solid.

"Yeah, Elly, I do," he smoothly replied, smirking when she narrowed her eyes at the nickname and his matching haughty tone. "But I try not to do it to the people I love," he added with a more serious expression. He wished that the word "try" wasn't in that sentence; wanting to just never lie to his family in the first place.

"You think I love Carlos?" Arielle's eyes widened and her smile was amused but incredulous. "You really are too much, newbie. Too, too much…" she shook her head, low laughter just detectable over the music as she pushed back into the couch and sipped on her drink.

James knew he should have flinched further at her flippantly devaluing her relationship with Carlos, but he felt his body jolt more at the comment on his experience in L.A. He despised not fitting in when it felt too dangerous to stand out, and that was because standing out in a setting like this meant being a loser; not doing what the majority of the others were doing, such as guzzling alcohol or popping pills.

He didn't realize that he had frozen in place, with his beer bottle in a tight fist and a scowl taking over his mouth, until Rena slunk her way out of his lap. He watched her circle the table to where Hayley and Cody sat. Cody was still in the armchair, but his companion had slid to the floor in front of him, propping her head up on his knee along with her hand; thumb rubbing the skin of his leg through a carefully placed, and expensive, hole in his jeans. Rena settled on the hardwood floor beside Hayley, kissing her hello with a peck to her lips, and doing the same with Cody when he bent forward to hand her a joint.

"Okay, let's run with the idea that I'm a newbie," James humored Arielle with confidence and pushed away his feelings of inadequacy, using his powers of social wit to arm himself. "What do you recommend I do to break me in?" he smiled mockingly and gestured to the room with the hand that held his drink.

"Whatever the hell you want!" Arielle rolled her eyes. She thought the answer was simple, and his lack of understanding in that was his main issue. "That's the problem with your screwy family. They're good and normal," she snickered at the terms, thinking that they were ridiculous. James disagreed. He always thought what Kendall, Carlos, Logan, and Sage did was special. The way they lived, with positivity and kindness, was admirable and welcomed into his own disorganized life. "They tell you to be happy and have fun, and then they get on your case when you do."

Apparently Arielle did know a little about what James had been going through with Carlos and the others. She probably got a lecture from her boyfriend after the first incident at the club, or at least as much of a lecture as Carlos could give.

"They're looking out for me…" James argued defiantly. She was twisting something that was supposed to be good into something that sounded annoying and wrong, but it wasn't wrong for Sage and his brothers to care. He was lucky they did. He had learned that much.

"The only person anyone needs to look out for is themselves," Arielle sipped her drink again, lipstick staining the edge of the glass, and James could hear some sort of affirmative noise from Rena and even from the perpetually connected Hayley and Cody.

"Sounds lonely," James made it clear that he didn't approve of her lifestyle with a condescending tone.

"Only if you let it be," Arielle shot back with no hesitation, obviously having contemplated all of this methodically as she grew up in Hollywood. "There are ways of finding companionship without actually being tied down," she smirked and leaned closer to James. She succeeded in making the usually confident boy uncomfortable, with him jerking slightly and staring at her like he was trying to read her mind. He really didn't have to look into her all that much to see what was going on. The hand she placed on his thigh and her next words told him everything. "You wanna fuck me, newbie? It's usually part of the initiation into our exclusive circle," she leaned closer so that her breath tickled his face, but James pushed her away gently; trying not to hurt her with the force despite how angry he felt. The girl giggled mockingly at him and fell back onto the couch, like she knew he wouldn't do what she suggested; knew he was too good for her.

"What about your boyfriend? You remember him, right? My best friend?" James glared at her and scooted forward on the sofa to create some space between them without causing a scene by getting up completely.

He had been mostly neutral about Arielle when it came to discussing her with Carlos, but he knew now that neutrality had just gone up in flames. She was finished, although he wasn't looking forward to delivering the final blow to Carlos. James felt like putting that off for a while. He didn't see the point in ruining everyone's night by running home and breaking the news. If he was honest with himself, he'd admit that he was more worried about bringing himself down with the conversation when the purpose of him going out for the evening had been to try to be happy again in the first place; trying to find something that made him feel alive in a way that seemed so natural to the others but he couldn't grasp without extreme effort.

"Carlos is boring," Arielle declared with a finality that had James' skin crawling.

"Carlos Garcia is anything but boring," he countered easily and irritatingly. It was a scary thing to comprehend; that the idea of someone he thought was fun and exciting all his life wasn't held with the same regard in California. Things were all different and skewed. He wasn't prepared for it. It was like he was kicking and paddling with desperate legs to get to shore but the current kept pulling him back into the abyss. He couldn't gain any ground no matter what he did. "And you're still his girlfriend," James reminded her quickly, hoping that she had some sort of hidden humanity in her; hoping that she wasn't what he would become if he kept taking all the wrong turns.

"That doesn't matter here. If you're doing it right, nothing does," Arielle giggled again, a high pitched and grating sound, and then nodded towards her friends. Hayley leaned away from Cody to bend her head over the table as she cut up lines of cocaine and Rena looked on as she sipped her drink and then turned to chat with Cody, voices undetectable over the music.

James squirmed where he sat. He had vowed to himself and the others that he'd stay away from coke after the first time he tried it, and he would do just that. He didn't want to be a part of it, already uncomfortable and disgusted by the look of the white powder on the shiny surface of the table. The resilience he had to it surprised even himself, but there was a downside. The feeling of revulsion and panic in his gut had him wanting to run. It had him rising to his feet and looking for a distraction, only vaguely remembering that a normal person would literally get out of there before he also remembered that he wasn't so normal and, unfortunately for him, looking for a distraction was undoubtedly going to mean finding new trouble.

He circled the coffee table and scooped up Rena, gripping her hand tightly so she was sure to follow as he pulled his date toward the makeshift dance floor that was the dining room. She stumbled a bit on her heels but grabbed at him as soon as he brought her close to his body, which was stiff and unmoving as he stared over her shoulder and saw Arielle through the crowd; bending down beside Hayley and Cody to snort a line of cocaine with a relaxed smile.

* * *

Sage looked at the clock resting on the nightstand beside the bed. It was almost 4am, and she had been struggling to get back to sleep for an hour now with no luck. Much to her delight, though, her sudden wakefulness wasn't hinged upon a nightmare or paranoia like it usually would have been. It was just an odd night of sleep, something a normal person would go through, and that was why she was able to keep on a small smile despite the changing red numbers of the alarm clock and the knowledge that she'd be exhausted the next day if she didn't find a way to fall back into a peaceful slumber.

She touched Kendall's hand, which was placed on her stomach with his arm looped snugly over her side, and traced along his knuckles and then down to feel the tough skin of his guitar-worn fingertips. Gustavo had previously commented that Kendall seemed to exhibit the know-how of a musician, possibly having gotten caught by the producer once or twice while strumming an instrument, but Sage denied it on his behalf, knowing that her boyfriend was still sensitive when it came to playing for more than just her and the guys. He was adamant about being a part of the band, being a part of that team; not standing out among them when Gustavo had pushed him to go solo in the first place when they met months ago in Sherwood.

Feeling him hug her tighter in his sleep at the light touches, Sage pressed further back into Kendall until the whole outline of his body was aligned with the curves of her own and she could feel the steady inhales and exhales passing his lips more heavily along her neck. That contact, along with the extreme contentment and comfort it brought, usually would have done the trick and sent her back into dreamland, but she was still restless and felt like moving; maybe to get a drink to ease the dryness in her throat that came with not talking and sitting in thick silence for too long.

She gently gripped Kendall's wrist and slid his hand off of her slowly so she wouldn't wake him, dragging it along the fabric of her tank top until it fell onto the small space behind her back that she made by shuffling forward. He sighed in his sleep but made no other protest at the loss of connection. She slipped out of the bed as quietly as she could and turned back around to kiss his cheek, watching it glow a reddish hue when exposed to the light of the alarm clock once she unblocked its path. After fondly sweeping her fingers through the bangs hanging over his forehead and taking a final look at his calm face, Sage moved to leave the room.

Opening the door and shutting it softly behind her, she walked into the hallway and almost screamed at what she was met with; clamping her hand over her mouth to stop the noise before it happened. A figure she hadn't expected stood in front of her, making her have a short episode; setting off flashes of the past behind her eyes. It didn't last long, though, probably just over a full second, and then she could see who the person was. It wasn't Elliot or any dangerous stranger, just a model with an attitude but a somewhat quiet temperament.

"Chill out," Rena commanded with irritation, having most likely been startled herself. She had enough sense to talk lowly, but it still wasn't a whisper. "Arielle said you were a freak, but I didn't think she was this on the dot," the girl gestured to Sage, who then realized that she still had her hand over mouth, which was probably the reason as to why she was a tad short of breath. She was practically sitting on the floor because of how much she had pushed her body into the wall and bent her knees as if she was preparing to enter the fetal position. She winced a little at being called out; feeling embarrassed for a moment before she remembered that she was in her own home in the middle of the night and she could do whatever the hell she wanted.

"What are you doing h-here?" Sage lifted herself up slowly in the narrow hall, unsure if accidentally touching Rena when she was this edgy would set her off. Right now, all she really wanted to do was either slap the model for the smug look on her face or run back to Kendall and force herself to sleep.

"I was having a good time with your boy, James," Rena giggled faintly and winked as she jutted her thumb towards the door at the end of the hallway. It was opened just a crack and, for the first time, Sage noticed an upbeat song playing from the inside. "And now we're done, so I'm out," the brunette dug into her small, overpriced purse and retrieved a pack of cigarettes and a lighter in a swift, practiced motion.

"Sounds… fun…" Sage's eyes widened and her eyebrows rose before returning to normal as if she were struggling not to say anything rude to the relative stranger all while she continued to force her breathing to return to normal. She could tell that her body was still frigid and unnaturally pushed against the wall, but she couldn't get herself to fully relax and didn't really care anymore about how she looked. Rena lit her cigarette and took a puff, her dark lip gloss coating the stick before she parted her lips and blew the smoke in Sage's direction with a grin when the blonde's eyes slipped shut and she turned her head away; breaking her once frozen stance.

"It was. He's experienced in all the right ways. We like that here," Rena spoke as if she was part of a secret club, a group instead of an individual, and acted like Sage was standing in the middle of a gathering when she thought that she was just in the hall of her apartment. It astonished the songwriter how many people in L.A. seemed to live on a different planet than her, and she could tell by Rena's wild and bloodshot eyes that she wasn't going to return to earth anytime soon.

"Well, get home safely… Do you have money for a cab?" Sage made a gesture with her hand that told Rena she could get her cash if she needed it. The snobby girl may have been barely an acquaintance to her, and she needed a major attitude adjustment, but she was also a young woman just like Sage; probably one who's seen some dark things in her life too. Sage was uncomfortable with the idea of Rena driving when she was swaying on her own two long and flawless legs, and the heels she wore couldn't have been helping with her balance.

"You're a sweetheart," Rena chuckled like Sage was the crazy one for offering, and the most disturbing part about the exchange was that it made Sage grasp the idea that charity wasn't something that was popular around Hollywood. She had won the lottery with the boys, Gustavo, and Kelly. "But I'm covered. Thanks…" the model almost sounded like she meant it. Her too-vibrant golden eyes were locked onto Sage's green ones for a second longer than expected, and a sense of gratitude and care could be read there, but then she blinked and it was gone as if it never existed. "Have a good night," Rena waved nonchalantly and sucked on her cigarette as she walked off, somehow still looking model-esque despite the alcohol and whatever else she was on making her limbs a little looser.

Sage only moved once she heard the front door click shut and she remembered what her purpose for being up had been in the first place. Her mouth was dryer than it was before from her second of panic, and she frustratingly wondered why something as simple as getting a drink had to turn into a scare. She brought her gaze to James' door, wanting to check on him when she detected a little movement and the radio switching stations, but she had a stronger, irresistible urge to inspect the main door to make sure it was locked, so she rubbed her jittery hands on the cottony fabric of her shorts and walked towards the kitchen; body still tingling as the last of her initial fear melted off into slow drips of fading adrenaline. Even after therapy, and the discovery of a new positive attitude on life and family, it still took her longer than the average person to calm down after certain situations.

When she was positive that the door was locked tight, Sage entered the kitchen and retrieved a glass from the cupboard before pulling the refrigerator open; squinting when the harsh light from it assaulted her eyes. She searched the shelves and settled on a pitcher of punch that Carlos had mixed up using four different flavors of Kool-Aid. She should have been terrified of it because of its muddy color and the not-so-decent cooking history of the person who concocted it, but it still looked mostly reddish and drinkable, so she poured the sweet-smelling liquid into her glass. She sipped on it, grinning when it actually tasted good, and turned around only to sputter on her drink and cough when she noticed a silent James had suddenly appeared at the edge of the counter between the kitchen area and the dining table.

"Fuck, James!" she hissed after managing to keep the juice down and stared at him with wide eyes and an open mouth. She really couldn't believe her luck; getting snuck up on in the dark twice in less than five minutes like a higher power was challenging her. However, she was only a little happy that she passed the test because she was more annoyed that her heart rate, which she had just subdued, was racing again.

"Sorry!" James held his hands up with an anxious face and stepped closer to her once she shut the door to the fridge so that she could see him more clearly in the thick line of moonlight coming in from the windows along the wall of the living room.

She gathered her bearings and took a real look at him. James was shirtless but still wearing his jeans, fly haphazardly buttoned. There were no shoes on his feet, and his hair was a mess. Almost as soon as he had raised his hands up, they were put back down; one worrying at the denim hanging low on his hip and the other running carelessly through his brown tresses. That alarmed her more than anything that had happened in the last few moments. She had never seen him fondle his carefully maintained locks like that unless he was styling them or putting in product. Now it looked like he was touching just to touch.

"I, uh, just saw your insignificant other leave. I'd really appreciate a warning the next time you have a guest that's gonna be creeping around here in the middle of the night. I almost threw up my lungs when I ran into her," Sage attempted to smile but still rubbed her fingers along her sternum while she felt her pulse beginning to slow down faster than before. James was safe, and that made her calmer because of a feeling of protection against everything.

James' bottom lip stuck out, shiny with saliva because of the pout. His mouth shone in the moonlight, and Sage's face twitched when she tried not to think about where her brother's lips had been before Rena left. It wasn't an image she needed in her head. Just as she was about to banter and tell him so, James strolled forward and slunk his arms around her slowly; giving her the chance to reject the contact of his bare skin. She didn't, though. She just blinked in confusion and encircled her own arms around him the best she could with the cup in her hand and patted his back. He was very warm, probably too warm.

"I'm sorry, Sis... You forgive me, right?" his voice was fragile but clear, and the tone was off. It was almost his usual playful sound, but it was less snarky and way more childlike.

"Of course, James… What's wrong with you?" She tried to pull away so she could look at his face to get a read on him, but he adhered to her tighter and pushed his cheek into her shoulder. She could smell the faint scent of beer when he exhaled into her collarbone.

"I don't want you to be mad at me…" he complained, still sounding childish. Sage had seen him drunk before, but this felt different. He was clingier and holding her like he really believed that she was going to yell at him or walk away for good.

"Are you gonna give me a reason to be?" she wondered warily and kept one hand rubbing his back soothingly while she used the other to place her drink on the counter next to the stove.

"Maybe…" James laughed lightly and finally detangled himself from her. He bit his lip so hard that she was worried about him breaking the skin. "I said I was going on a date with Rena, and I did!" he explained nervously, eyes wide and speech jumpy along with his hands. Sage nodded for him to continue. She was a little surprised he remembered the model's name after initially forgetting it so much. She must have been good in bed. "But I might have forgotten to mention that there was a change of plans… and that the date was really a crazy party at a townhouse… and I drank… and experimented with stuff that's gonna make Logan smack me," he grimaced and squeezed his eyes shut, flinching at his own shaky confession and acting as if he was expecting a strike from Sage as well.

"James! Dammit…" she cursed and frowned sadly before taking his face into her hands to look him over. She tilted his head and stared at his eyes, which kept darting back and forth in an attempt to look at both of hers. "Come sit with me… What did you take?" She grabbed him by the arm, still not liking how warm his skin was, and guided him over to the couch.

James followed her without complaint and settled onto the orange cushions with a soft smile, rubbing his fingertips over the texture of the sofa beneath him and only looking back up when Sage made one of his hands stop the distracting movement by grasping it.

"What are you on?" Sage asked again, keeping his hand hostage while his other one wouldn't stop moving in slow strokes over the couch on his opposite side.

"Rena said it was ecstasy," James smiled even though he felt ashamed and changed tactics with his restricted hand, taking in the feeling of Sage's palm with his thumb and a studious look in his eyes; like the smoothness fascinated him.

She sighed at the admittance and wished that she was more surprised. With James, she had learned to expect the unexpected and, more often than not, that meant she should expect something off-putting or dangerous.

"I got upset because Arielle was there," he snarled weakly, not able to muster up enough negative emotion in his intoxicated state to fully make the expression. "She's a bitchy bitch, and Carlos needs to break up with the cocaine-snorting whore," he declared softly but with an adolescent-like anger before snuggling back on the couch; pushing his bare shoulders into the suddenly interesting fabric behind him while Sage solemnly listened. "After a while, Rena said that she had a special way to relax. She gave me a pill… I felt good," he confessed it like it was a secret, smiling wickedly and slumping even more into the couch; unable to stop moving against the surface. "We danced, and then we wanted to fuck, but all the rooms were taken, so I brought her here," James finished and anxiously squirmed around; still clutching her hand and rhythmically squeezing it while the other grabbed onto a throw pillow beside him and began inspecting that. "Can I get up?" he asked, sounding as if he was sincerely making a request; like he wanted to stand but he would do whatever she told him to so she'd be happy.

"I want you to stay and talk to me, okay? And then I'm gonna wake up the guys," she brushed his disheveled hair out of his eyes, noticing he had worked up a bit of a sweat, but he didn't seem to have a problem with breathing.

"Can't it be our little secret?" he pouted and scooted further down in his seat so that his butt almost fell off but the rest of him stayed on.

"Nope," she tried to smile but it wasn't as easy for her as it seemed to be for him.

"No fun," he grinned and tossed the pillow aside so he could poke her in the arm.

"Too much fun," she argued teasingly with more severity in her tone than he was used to as she poked him back, her fingertip connecting with his shoulder. "Why did you do it this time, after knowing what happened before?" James stared at her for a long moment and then frowned, traces of happiness dissipating as the effects of the drug began to wear off slowly but surely.

"I wish I knew. It's so fucking confusing… Why can't I not be an idiot?" he whined and twisted in his seat so that he was facing her. The position looked uncomfortable, but he didn't appear concerned. "It's so simple: 'No thank you, Rena. I don't want any drugs'… Why can't I say that? Why do I fuck up so bad and agree to do shit I should walk away from?" James ranted quietly, his eyebrows knitted together as if he was solving a puzzle that he didn't have all the pieces to but was trying to force a solution anyway.

"What do you think of when you say 'yes'?" Sage wondered carefully, watching him for any anger or agitation, but he was calm; hands and legs slowly moving and feeling the space around him but not in a way that could hurt her or him.

"Everyone… Everything… It turns into this mess in my head, like fuckin' marbles bouncing around in there," James brought her fingers that were locked with his up to his temple, connecting them a few times with light taps. "I just decide to do whatever seems fun at the time and deal with the consequences later… I wanna forget about stuff for a little while…"

"Is it worth it in the end?" Sage was honestly curious, and James liked that; liked that she asked questions without making any sort of definitive judgment because, in some ways, she was still getting to know him while he was getting to know himself.

He huffed moodily at himself and pivoted so that he was lying perpendicular to Sage. The back of his head rested on her thigh as he stared out the window beyond the couch, and his free hand and legs were still moving; the ecstasy making his senses heightened and interested in everything. Sage tightened her grip on his fingers, reminding him that she had asked him something, and he titled his chin upwards to look at her in the bluish lighting of the night.

"I think 'yes' every time, but I hear a 'no' too, and then I do it anyway… I think- Maybe I'm broken. Something's wrong with me," he whimpered in distress and wiggled a bit more than he had been until he was on his side and facing Sage and the back of the couch; his forehead pushing into her thigh when he thought that his head would fall off of his neck if he didn't keep it steady. "Are you really gonna tell the guys what I did?" he whispered into her skin before glancing up. She inhaled shakily when she saw the tears in his eyes. He was trying to fight them and not let them fall, but they were clearly there; shining and shimmering over hazel irises.

"You know I have to," she unlaced her hand from his and patted his cheek apologetically, running her thumb under his eye when a single tear fell.

"But they'll look at me like-" he choked off his words with an exhale and blinked more of his tears back as he grabbed desperately at her hand again to keep himself grounded. "I hate disappointing them… They're all I have," he muttered and traced the lines of her fingers with one of his, appearing to become enthralled with drawing invisible patterns despite his distress.

"Why is that? Why can't you let more people in? You never even consider having an actual relationship with a girl…"

James shook his head rapidly at Sage's words. They seemed to strike a nerve, his body stiffening before he settled back down and continued spelling imaginary nonsense on the skin of her wrist with his fingernail; using the length of her scar as a line for the sentences.

"I c-can't," he argued unsteadily and didn't move his eyes off of the story he was painting on her arm.

"Wh- Yes, you can," she was confident in her insistence. She couldn't believe that James would think he was incapable of having someone to call his own. If a person like her, an outcast and a shy victim, found someone to love her that she could trust, then the charismatic and amiable James Diamond could easily locate a companion that was worth more than a quick hookup. Maybe it would even be an integral part in figuring out who he was; riskily letting someone else in. It certainly worked for her. Kendall had brought her down a path of discovery and eventual contentment that she would have never went on if she hadn't worked up the courage to speak to him in the hospital years ago.

"No," James protested, biting his lip and stopping his drawings on her skin to look up. "The person I want isn't-" he paused with wide eyes and refocused on the invisible patterns on her arm again, obviously about to say something he wasn't ready to admit. "The only people I belong with are you guys. You're all I need," he insisted firmly, having more vigor in his voice after composing himself in a way he had practiced time and time again; inwardly cheering that it came pretty easily even though he was high.

"You deserve more than that," Sage told him gloomily, already knowing that he wasn't going to believe her.

"No, I don't," he grinned and drew a big X on her wrist as if it solidified his denial. "I'm not built to handle more. Loving a girl and being faithful to her, and letting her have a part of me, is not something I can do. It's not who I am…" he snickered at himself and grinned wider. "Oh, wait. I don't have a fucking clue who I am," he giggled good-naturedly despite the context of his phrases and shook his legs, his muscles feeling tense and restless and his feet liking the sensation of the cushions beneath him.

"Maybe you should see a therapist…" Sage felt like a hypocrite for even suggesting it, but she was at a loss about what to do for him. Something had to change. Something had to give. He couldn't keep doing more of the same.

"No professionals. No outsiders," he looked at her sternly, only relaxing again when she nodded. She couldn't fight him on his decision. She couldn't tell him to do what she couldn't do herself. "Can I just talk to you?" James' voice was smaller when he spoke this time, surprising her with the sound and the request. She honestly hadn't expected him to seek any kind of help after becoming so skilled in the art of dodging, but maybe he was starting to learn. Maybe he had had enough.

"You always can."

"And not them?" James darted his eyes behind her, looking towards the walls that the boys were sleeping behind. Sage opened her mouth, faltering for an appropriate answer. "Please? It's not like I'll never ever tell them things, but it's too much to have a big discussion every time I mess up; having everyone on me at once… I can't deal with it all the time. It's part of the reason why I run… I keep thinking of all of you staring me down with that fucking look; the one with the sad eyes and the frowning lips," he demonstrated the look with his own face and then tapped her chin gently, his finger connecting just below her mouth.

"I'm still waking them up." That was her way of agreeing, and he smiled but rolled his eyes. "I need Logan. You're too warm…" she brought the back of her hand to his cheek, noticing that his temperature hadn't decreased as much as she had wanted it to since he first approached her. "But I won't force you to share with them what you just told me… I'll help and give you another chance to work on yourself…"

"I didn't think that I had any chances left," he sighed and smirked, his body still slithering on the couch like he couldn't stop moving it even if he wanted to.

"I'm new around here. You haven't used 'em all up with me yet," she smirked back and began moving out from under him, being careful not to jostle his head too much.

"So, you'll be my therapist?" James had on a somewhat playful expression, but his question was completely serious.

"Are you going to lie to me?"

He thought hard about that, really putting some consideration into his answer before replying; as if this would set the course of the rest of their open relationship.

"I won't lie. I promise," he held out his pinky, his upper body still halfway on her lap after she had paused when trying to get up. She chuckled lightly and linked her pinky finger with his in a form of contractual agreement.

"I think this will be good, Jamie. You need someone to talk to openly, and you gotta stop running away from everything… but there has to be boundaries with us. I have to be allowed to tell the others if I think I need help; if things get dangerous," Sage gave him a firm stare, only blinking when he nodded in confirmation. He was okay with her seeking aid if he got out of hand because he really had no plans to be crazy as long as he could help it. He didn't want any more drugs. He didn't want to get drunk. It only kept making things worse rather than better. Just his fear of the repercussions of the boys finding out about tonight had finally put that into perspective for him.

"You won't tell Kendall the stuff I say to you?" he inquired skeptically. Having Kendall know some of his well-kept emotional secrets wouldn't exactly mean the end of the world, but he didn't want to unlock them for anyone unless it was him doing the revealing.

"I always tell Kendall everything… but that's because he used to be all I had. I love him, but you're my brother now, and that counts for a lot too... So, I'll keep everything just between us, but, like I said, within certain limitations," she decided nervously. It felt weird to have someone else counting on her; good, but unfamiliar and anxiety-inducing.

"Thank you," James looped an arm around her neck and hugged her carefully, letting out a shaky sigh into her shoulder.

"You did the same for me… You all did… But I'll tell you right now that the point of this is to use baby steps. That means that this starts with us, but you have to work on healing what's broken. You'll work your way up to the others when you feel like it's the right time," Sage rubbed his back and then pushed him delicately into the seat beside her so she could stand up. He immediately began smoothing his hands over the couch cushions again, but this time it was with more of an apprehensive energy.

"What if I fail?" he murmured so quietly she almost couldn't hear him even through the silence.

"At what?"

"At figuring things out… Or what if I figure out who I really am, who I really want to be, and it's not good? What if I'm not good?" he stared up at her again, eyes wide with fear.

"You just have to try, James. You won't have any answers until you do." She knew how he felt; how it felt to be scared of your own feelings and of what you think and who you might be. There were times when she thought she'd be with Elliot forever and that she would never return to Kendall, and the most frightening times were the mere seconds when she had almost convinced herself that she could have lived with it.

"I'm tired of all this," James groaned and ran his hands over his face, lacing his fingers through the soft texture of his hair over and over as if it fascinated and distracted him.

"Good. That means it's time for a change," she smiled softly and took his hands out of his hair. After dropping a kiss to his forehead, she backed away. "Stay here. I'm gonna get the guys." James nodded sullenly and fell over, burying his head into the orange sofa.

It didn't take long for Sage to round everyone up. She had woken Kendall first, shaking him carefully with nearly a full body hug because she knew that anything else would startle him; having gained a small bit of paranoia in his sleep since she had escaped Elliot. His initial fear and concern was replaced with a grim frown and a short nod of his head when she explained what was happening with James. He accepted it easily, sadly not shocked by his best friend's actions, and moved forward; ready to help and do what needed to be done. He threw on a pair of sweatpants over his boxers and dashed off to get Logan and Carlos while Sage went back to James, finding him in the same position; still shifting his limbs around on the furniture like he was incapable of holding still.

"Is he okay?" Carlos spoke with a sleepy voice that got clearer by the syllable as he came up behind Sage and stared at James. She nodded slowly, feeling confident but not one hundred percent sure.

"When did you take the pill?" Logan didn't waste time on pleasantries, hurrying over to James with a relatively stoic face; like he too had been mentally preparing for something such as this after the last time and was ready to deal with it.

"An hour or two ago… Maybe close to three…" James answered cautiously, unsure what Logan was looking for with the question. He wanted to make him happy, no matter how stupid and unfeasible it seemed at the moment.

"Are you feeling alright? Too sleepy? Confused? Were you drinking too?" Logan rattled off more inquires slowly but steadily and sat beside him with the others looking on as he reached for his friend's wrist to check his pulse. Sage had been right. His skin was warm, not alarmingly hot but not necessarily normal either, and his heart rate was a little fast.

"I'm o-okay… And I had a couple of beers before, and one while I was dancing," James squirmed some more when Logan wouldn't let him have his arm back, struggling to touch something with the nervous energy he was developing at everyone watching him; Carlos and Kendall standing on either side of Sage.

"You're lucky you didn't die, you ass!" Logan groaned and slapped James' shoulder, looking terrified before he remembered to be angry. "You're over heated because of the ecstasy, and the alcohol didn't frickin' help… Kendall, let's get him into the bathroom, and, Carlos, go lower the thermostat," he looked to his friends before grabbing one of James' arms and waiting for Kendall to take the other.

"I can walk," James protested lamely, enamored with the movement enough to forget to speak until they were already dragging him over the threshold of the bathroom door.

"I know, but I don't want you to run off," Logan grinned and jerked his head while staring at Kendall, having a silent conversation with his eyes on James and then on the tub. Kendall nodded and deposited James ungracefully into the bathtub, careful not to hit his head but still with enough disdain to show him that he was annoyed, and then Logan ran the cold water and started the showerhead; dousing a sputtering James. He flailed but didn't try to escape, finding the liquid to actually be soothing on his skin, which he hadn't realized was so warm.

"Is this n-necessary?" James spit water out of his mouth and shifted around when the wet denim on his legs made him feel stiff.

"No, but neither was popping E," Kendall glared at the soaked boy as he sat down on the toilet lid beside the tub. Logan nodded, shut the water off, and hopped onto the counter in front of the mirror while Carlos and Sage stood at the door.

Logan had been genuinely concerned with the very real potential of James overheating and causing serious health issues for himself from a mixture of alcohol, rigorous activity, and drugs, but he knew it wasn't as bad as it could have been after he touched his skin. A few sips of water over time and a cool cloth could have done the trick, but he found James getting doused to be a more satisfying punishment for scaring them all.

"I'm sorry, Logie. I messed up... Don't hate me, okay?" James didn't think he could live through another round of silent treatment from his brother. The idea had him feeling nauseous.

"If I hated you I'd still be asleep upstairs," Logan scratched the top of his head, his fingers moving through his dark hair as he yawned.

"Why did you do it this time?" Kendall exhaustedly asked, reaching out for Sage blindly and feeling her get closer without even having to look. She sat in his lap and rubbed the back of his neck as they stared at James, who had found a comfortable spot in the slippery tub.

"He was stressed," Sage offered helpfully, trying to be there for James when he looked like he was at a loss for words. Just as he had told her before, he couldn't explain himself repeatedly with all of them watching him and waiting for some magical cure to pop up.

"Oh, really? I have a physics exam on Tuesday that I'm a little nervous about. Maybe I should shoot some heroin. You in Kendall?" Logan smiled humorlessly and received a dry chuckle from the equally sarcastic Kendall.

"Logan, be nice," Carlos scolded him with a shake of his head, and Sage gave Kendall her own look of disapproval, causing both boys to stare apologetically at James, who waved them off rapidly; thinking he deserved what they dished out and more. Everything would be forgiven, he knew, and they would have a clean slate again because it was what the family did. They pissed each other off, but they couldn't lose one another. James settled back into the bathtub and sighed before looking at Carlos with a countenance that had the boy gazing back at him anxiously.

"I saw Arielle at the party Rena took me to tonight," he confessed his reason for the stress, clawing at the wet fabric of his pants nervously while trying to keep eye contact with Carlos.

The room went silent.

"And?" Kendall coaxed him to go further when no one else would. Carlos just stared at James with no emotion while he waited.

"Carlos, I'm s-sorry, man…"

"What did she do?" he sounded so controlled that it was unsettling; no sign of his light attitude or a smile evident.

"She… She wanted me to sleep with her, and I turned her down, but she didn't seem to care either way… and she was snorting coke with Hayley and Cody. She didn't really look like a first-timer…" James admitted sadly. He didn't want to hurt Carlos, but he had to tell the truth.

Carlos was quiet, glancing at James in the tub and then around to his friends before he sighed heavily; nodding as he spun on his heels and rushed off to his room. Sage started after him with Logan, but they stopped when James almost fell down when trying to quickly get out of the slick bath by himself. Kendall helped him, keeping an arm around his waist until they were all in the open space of the dining area. They got there just in time to see Carlos hurrying back down the stairs. He had thrown on a pair of jeans, sneakers, a random t-shirt, and there was a baseball cap sitting backwards on the top of his head.

"Can I borrow a car?" he looked to Logan and Kendall, already inching towards the door with a face that didn't read as upset but not necessarily angry either.

"S-Sure," Logan answered hesitantly. It sounded like a question, but Carlos didn't stay behind for any more conversation.

"Thanks. I'll be back," he assured them quickly and snagged up Logan's keys from their spot beside the door before making a hasty exit.

He didn't feel like waiting until sunrise to cut Arielle out of his life. He had delayed the inevitable long enough.

* * *

"What are you doing?" Arielle grabbed her head, her usually perfectly crimped bleached hair frizzy and thick between her fingers as she tugged the strands and gazed at her boyfriend through tired, mascara-rimmed eyes.

She had nearly fallen out of bed when he began pounding on her door loudly and shouting her name, making her run like she was on fire so that none of her neighbors would hear the commotion and besmirch her name in the morning. It was past a decent hour to be entertaining guests, something she always left to her friends and their expensive homes rather than her own.

"Where were you tonight?" Carlos ground his words out between his teeth, smiling despite his mood merely because he knew he was going to catch her in a lie.

"Having dinner with my parents. I told you that. Don't you trust me?" she grinned and made a lame attempt to cover up her outfit, a slinky black dress not fit for a family meal, by closing the door halfway in front of her. Carlos laughed at the idea that she thought she could hide her well-used and intoxicated frame from him and at the fact that she thought James wouldn't have said anything.

"Wow... It's like you really believe I don't talk to my brother," he chuckled bitterly, and Arielle snapped. She wasn't fond of his tone. It matched her own, and she wasn't accustomed to that.

"James is not your fucking brother! He's just some kid that you've known for most of your life because you met him in kindergarten, nothing more," Arielle rolled her eyes, and that was when she'd usually see Carlos backing down and putting his tail between his legs to avoid confrontation, but what she failed to notice was that he came solely for a battle.

"Family isn't just about blood, Arielle! And even if it was, you still wouldn't give a shit!" Carlos yelled back, jabbing his finger in her direction and jingling the car keys he held in his hand with a demeanor she had never seen on him before; with infuriation and irritation instead of contentment or extreme friendliness with a dash of eager-to-please.

Arielle yanked the door open fully, no longer caring about her outfit, and stuck her head into the hall in front of Carlos; twisting it back and forth as if she expected there to be an audience for the drama she suddenly found herself thrust into. She stared up and down the wide corridor with wild eyes, hoping that none of the people sharing her floor would come out and see her and the poorly dressed boy yelling at her door. Grabbing a fistful of his unfashionable shirt, Arielle tugged Carlos inside with brute force. He stumbled in and righted himself with a scowl just as she slammed the door shut, apparently uncaring about noise if she herself had to make a statement.

"Jesus Christ! What the hell has gotten into you? And what are you wearing?" she grimaced and ignored her own wrinkled dress, crossing her arms as she ran her gaze over Carlos.

"It doesn't fuckin' matter!" Carlos growled and pulled the hem of his shirt with both hands, straining the worn fabric even more as if to demonstrate just how much weight his choice of clothing didn't hold. "And what has gotten 'into me'," he dramatically lifted his fingers in the air to create quotation marks, beginning to lose any control he had now that he wasn't holding back anymore after months of his girlfriend's crap, "is that I'm tired of you." He didn't flinch when she looked at him with offense and fury. "I'm tired of you using me. I'm tired of you controlling me. I'm tired of you being a royal bitch!"

"Excuse me?" Arielle screeched obnoxiously while he smirked. He figured this wasn't how she saw her night going.

"You're awful to Kendall and Logan. You're absolutely terrible to Sage, who I don't think has ever even said a full goddamn sentence to you, and you tried to fuck James before doing cocaine," Carlos held his arms open wide as if to dare her to deny any of it. She didn't, of course, because there was no hiding it now.

"But I didn't actually sleep with him," she pointed out exasperatedly; making it sound like Carlos was making mountains out of mole hills, "and everyone does coke around here."

"That's the sickest part of you… You're trying to be like everyone else and drag me into it right along with you, but I'm not like other people! I never have been, and I'm not changing that part of me for you just because you want to be on my arm when I get famous," Carlos lowered his voice, initial annoyance ebbing away until it was a dull throb of constant distaste towards Arielle. "You messing with James, getting him involved again with those people after what happened last time, was the final straw. We're done," he told her softly but firmly and made a move across the foyer to get to the door.

"Whatever. I don't need you anyway, Carlos! You don't matter!" Arielle shoved his arm weakly in a feeble attempt to lash out now that she had nothing left to fight with; charm, wit, and manipulation no longer working.

"Good. We're finally on the same page," he spun and grinned at her. "You don't matter to me either, and, if you're lucky and you stay the fuck away from my family, maybe I won't tell my future fans, people who do matter and who do care, that you're a complete bitch."

Carlos would never really follow through with what he said. He couldn't do something like that to another human being, even if Arielle's humanity was questionable. He didn't even know if he would eventually have fans like she believed he would. However, he still wanted to get to her; to make her lose that careful armor she put up. For just a second, he could see her shake in vulnerability at the thought of losing her prestigious reputation, and that was worth it to him; to feel that, for once, they were almost on a level playing field.

"C-Carlos," she smiled and exhaled heavily, and he wasn't sure if he had ever heard her stumble over her speech before. Arielle was desperate, not at him dumping her but at the idea that it could hurt her status and the plan she had setup for the future of using him as an entrance to the spotlight. That fear only solidified his decision, and he lifted his hand to silence her.

"Good luck with everything, Elly. You know… you're stunning," he chuckled almost sweetly and softly, "but you're still so ugly, and you'll always be miserable if you don't start changing." Carlos took one last look at her aggravated expression before letting himself out, holding a little bit of resentment and slamming the door behind him loud enough so that he heard a neighbor's yorkie yapping down the hall because of the commotion.

He smiled as he strolled onto the elevator and rode it to the lobby of the tall building. He was technically alone now, but he knew that wasn't really the case. He had a family waiting for him at home, most likely all concerned and anxious for him to return after he had stormed off. Carlos was the type to want the best for people, even those like his ex-girlfriend, but she inadvertently taught him that his need to help didn't mean that he had to be another person's pawn or doormat. He had to look out for himself too.

She wasn't his problem anymore. No matter what he wished for Arielle, he knew she'd stay the same; stay frozen in an artificially joyful spot. Unlike her, he was determined to move forward.

* * *

**A/N: Ding dong the bitch is gone :) And that means some growth for Carlos (whom I was cheering on for being BAMF towards Arielle lol :) I hope you guys enjoyed it. We'll see a bit of a clean slate for him next chapter, and some new things with James as he tries to work on himself like he promised Sage :)**

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this chapter :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I appreciate any feedback and I love meeting fellow readers/fans of BTR. Don't be shy :) Also, if you leave a signed review but don't have private messaging enabled, then I unfortunately can't respond to the review, but I APPRECIATE them all :)**

**As always, I'll see you all next Saturday :)**


	47. Big Time Break

**A/N: This chapter is super long XD I've been trying to keep it at about 12,000 words, but I sorta failed this week… Yet I regret absolutely nothing :P I really hope you guys enjoy it :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 47: BIG TIME BREAK_

* * *

"Is your dude or dude-ette wearing a helmet?" Carlos leaned heavily on the back of his seat in an attempt to steal a glance at Kendall's blue "Guess Who?" game board from his higher vantage point. His knees were situated on his roomy first-class chair, and his upper body hung over the back along with his own red game pieces so that he could play the guessing game with Kendall, whose board rested on his personal table that came down from the back of Carlos' cushiony gray seat directly in front of him.

"None of them are wearing helmets, Carlos. You're wasting your turn," Kendall chuckled and shoved his friend's head away before he could see the little yellow card at the front of his board depicting the character he had selected from the deck. His hand connected with the shiny, black surface of the boy's own much-loved helmet, which had made its glorious reappearance, accompanied with a few stupid but funny stunts, only a couple hours after his and Arielle's breakup.

Carlos had gotten back home before sunrise that morning with a wide, familiar, and missed smile on his face that rarely left since then. A few weeks had now passed and he was changed, having morphed back into the loveable and naturally happy person he was but also a bit more sure of himself; roaming the Palm Woods and the streets of L.A. with more confidence and poise. He had taken his own worth and strength for granted by letting Arielle walk all over him and hurt his friends, and he was determined to never let it happen again. He was in control, and it felt good; a little grownup and terrifying for him but in a liberating and positive sort of way.

"No need for a diatribe, Kenny. 'Yes' or 'no' answers only," Carlos smirked and wiggled his finger in a teasingly scornful way, nearly knocking over a few of his standing pieces in the process, but he recovered and repositioned his knees so that they were wider on his seat and hopefully more stable so he wouldn't take any spills or ruin his winning streak.

He and Kendall had played four rounds on the flight home, their old home, after getting tired of the excruciatingly unfunny comedy offered on the screen at the front of their first-class section on the plane. He had won the first two games, but that prompted the occasionally competitive Kendall to make it "three out of five", then "five out of seven", and he would be undefeated if he won this fifth round. Carlos felt pretty certain about his impending victory, so he was taking a bit of a creative license with his guesses to give Kendall a chance.

"Where did you learn the word 'diatribe'?" Kendall raised a thick brow in amusement as he gazed up at the looming Carlos and then back down to his game board to think over the next question he'd ask to narrow down the choices. He could go with "Does your guy have brown hair?". That would knock down almost half of the remaining standing tiles if the answer went the right way. He needed something good. Carlos was freakishly skilled when it came to observational guessing games. He was a pro at reading people even if he didn't always admit it or use it to his advantage when he should, but he was learning as time passed by and he got to put a few notches of experience on his belt.

"Logan bet me the money for twenty corndogs that I couldn't memorize a column in his stupid dictionary," Carlos explained, already donning a triumphant gleam in his eyes. Kendall just laughed at the boy's use of the word "his"; acting as if Logan was the only one of them who would bother having a dictionary or even knowing what one was.

"And you actually won?" Kendall stopped his scan of the tiles to look up at Carlos, who put on an air of mock offense.

"Duh! I'd do anything for corndogs," he scoffed like Kendall had suddenly forgotten everything he knew about his best friend.

"Fair enough… Is your person a brunette?" Kendall titled his head upwards as he asked his previously developed strategic question, staring at the red board balanced precariously on the back of Carlos' seat as if he could see through it.

"Yup."

Kendall huffed at the response. He had been hoping for the opposite. It would have allowed him to throw out a few more potential choices, and he wanted to get ahead of Carlos since he had nearly half of his pieces folded down already.

"Shit," Carlos murmured in an overly forlorn way when the plane jostled them, making all of the plastic characters rattle and hit the bottom of the board so that he had no clue which had been up or down, but Kendall was in the same predicament as they hit some turbulence.

"It's alright," he whispered, letting it be taken as words of consolation to Carlos and ones of comfort to Sage, who sat in the chair beside him and grabbed onto his hand with crushing force as the movement subsided almost as soon as it began. She had been writing lyrics in a notebook on her lap and humming a series of notes in a melodic tone that soothed Kendall even when he was losing to Carlos, but that sound stopped when their ride started moving and she forgot how to breathe.

"Let's start again," Carlos flipped all of his pieces back up with a bright smile after sneaking a glance at Sage just long enough to see that she was relaxing again, rigid and slow to blink but calming down nonetheless.

"Pick a new card," Kendall held the yellow deck out with the hand that wasn't squeezing Sage's.

"You're still going to lose, babe. Carlos is on a roll," Sage recovered and teased him quietly; her voice a little shaky but strong as she quickly released the tension in her shoulders.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, honey," Kendall smirked and twisted his body to kiss her softly before letting her have her hand back so she could doodle in the margins of her notebook; something she always did when she tried to regain her focus.

"She's just speaking the truth, man. I'm gonna win. You gotta face facts," Carlos winked at Sage and then put his game face on and rested his chin against the back of his seat so that his eyesight was level with his game board. "Is your guy a guy?" His phrasing choice made Kendall laugh, but he also glared up at his friend because it was like Carlos was reading his mind; already assuming he knew the gender.

"Yes…" he groaned and leaned back in his seat with a sigh.

Sage grinned and took her hand away from her writing to pat his forearm gently. It felt bare beneath her fingertips, the skin of his wrist being left without his usual pair of bracelets that Katie had knotted around him forever ago; on the day he exited Ramsey with his mother and baby sister and unwillingly left Sage behind to her doom. It bothered her when the accessories had worn away and eventually fell off of him, along with her own that Katie had given her. It made that part of her life feel gone after having the evidence of it on her body for so long. She liked possessing it, a reminder of the happy times her small-town existence had offered once the Knights joined her, and she'd actually have that back for just a little while; a short but blissful week and a half.

Gustavo was allowing them a real vacation for Christmas. Granted, he hadn't let them leave until early Christmas Eve morning, but he did give them all a first-class trip to Minnesota and a mumbled "Happy Holidays". He told them to enjoy themselves because life was going to change when their album officially released in February. There was already a buzz about them in the southern California area and on the local radio stations just because of Gustavo's history of success in the 90's and the mere fact that he was going to be reviving the "boy band" with fresh sounds and faces after he had done a talent search nearly a year before. Even Sage's name had gotten dropped in a few interviews and broadcasts because she was new on the scene, and, she learned, Gustavo had never taken on another writer in his entire career. He failed to ever mention that to her in their sessions together, and she didn't bother to bring it up once she heard about it on the internet. She knew he'd simply get flustered or deny it; his usual reaction when he was caught red-handed doing something almost emotional or nice. She was just grateful that he did what he did and gave her a chance that she really needed.

After successfully graduating from high school due to Logan's help and their steady but slow track to completing their classes while juggling studio time and personal issues, they were all determined to enjoy the Holidays with their families before their careers picked up momentum, and having Sage with them in the town that they wished she could have been in originally was their most cherished reward. They were looking forward to showing her around and sharing all of their childhood haunts with her, which she always seemed eager to hear about from them; having had a darker and lonelier youth of her own. She was just as excited as they were, but the flight was something new for her. She had never been on a plane before, and the occasional turbulence had her skin crawling and her heart racing when it occurred. Also, in her panicky state, she couldn't help but think about how tragically ironic it would be if they crashed to their death as they flew above a small corner of North Dakota. Logan told her that her irrational thoughts were only going to make her anxiety heighten, and she took his advice appreciatively just like she always did, but that didn't stop her stomach from churning when the plane shook lightly in their last leg of the flight.

"Is your person wearing glasses?" Kendall leaned forward and narrowed his eyes analytically at Carlos.

"Nope," he answered, laughing at his friend's intensity. "Your boyfriend's going down," Carlos reached out to bump his fist against Sage's, offering her a sinister grin but then transforming it into an honest and comforting smile when he was really sure that she was okay right before he went back to the game.

Sage nodded enthusiastically when Kendall pouted, thinking that he was getting entirely too invested in a children's game but finding his demeanor humorous and adorable regardless. She bent forward and uncurled her legs from her seat, stretching them in the ample space between the rows of chairs and flipped her notebook shut as she glanced out the window beside Kendall; unsure whether it was comforting or not that she just saw white clouds instead of the ground far below.

"Seriously, Car, how the fuck are you so good at this? You're not suddenly psychic or something, are you?" Kendall moodily flipped three of his game pieces down and stared up at his friend with searching eyes, behaving as if he could really possess clairvoyant powers. He had certainly slammed his head enough times for something abnormal to be going on up there, helmet be damned.

"Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not," Carlos replied noncommittally, making Sage bite back her laughter when Kendall glared at him again.

"You've won a billion times in a row…"

"Only four, actually…" Carlos interjected with a snicker that went unheard.

"You must be cheating, or there's a trick to the game that I'm missing…" Kendall leaned forward and placed his chin on his clasped hands in thought as he continued ranting to an amused Carlos, but Sage missed the rest of what he was saying because she felt something hit her left arm.

Glancing down, she saw a small packet of airline peanuts on the floor of the aisle next to her. She picked it up with a curious expression and then got hit in the side with another one. When she looked behind her to see where they had come from, James was waving his fingers at her sheepishly, but there was also a familiar sense of panic in his eyes; hazel gleaming in the bright light of the plane as he motioned for her in an over-eager fashion. She sighed and stole a quick peek at Kendall and Carlos' game to see them both continuing to banter between questions about their characters, so she slipped away without a sound and walked back to James.

"What the hell?" she huffed out a heavy breath and tossed the two snack packages onto his lap when she got close enough.

"I needed to get your attention," James explained hurriedly, swaying his body from side to side so he could see around her as she stood in front of his chair, which was situated with his back against the wall separating their section from another part of the plane.

"So you threw your nuts at me?" Sage stared at him exasperatedly and crossed her arms. James broke his gaze away from whatever he was searching for behind her long enough to look up at her with slight amusement.

"Okay, there is a phenomenal dirty joke somewhere in there, but we need to focus right now!" he proclaimed dramatically and grabbed at the long sleeve of her shirt, tugging her down into the vacant seat beside him.

"Whatever. I'm just saying, I have a name. A simple 'hey Sage' would have worked just as go-"

"I wanna have sex," James stated matter-of-factly, making Sage squint at him oddly before she made a move to get up.

"I'm going back to Kendall," she declared, unsure if she was liking what James was getting at, even if they did have a more open and strong relationship in the past few weeks after he began running to her with his problems instead of away from them all like he promised.

"No, sit! Please!" James whined and latched onto her hand, curling his fingers tightly between hers so that she couldn't even get into a standing position. "I don't want to have sex with _**you**_. You're like my sister. That would be weird…" he scrunched his face and shuddered a bit against her, knocking their shoulders together as he leaned in so he could lower his voice more and glance around at whatever had him worked up in the first place.

"It would also be wrong," Sage reminded him with a grin, chuckling when he rolled his eyes at her.

"Yeah, yeah. Morals… Blah, blah. I'm working my way up to that. Don't rush me," he scowled at her playfully before cracking a smile and winking in his characteristically charming way.

"Not that I don't find these conversations of ours fascinating, but why am I being held hostage here?" Sage wondered, looking down at his hands; one of which was in her own and the other had a death grip on her forearm as he scanned the first-class section for the tenth time. He stiffened and then tore his gaze away from the dividing curtains when a pretty looking brunette girl walked in and returned to her seat on the other side of the area, taking her phone out to text as soon as her butt hit the chair.

"That hot chick over there," James jutted his thumb in the general direction of the girl without actually taking his focus off of Sage, turning his body fully into hers so that he didn't have to see his prospective lay, "asked me if I wanted to join the mile-high club with her," he moved his legs as if he was anxious and squirmed like a child who couldn't sit still with a large frown on his face. He hated being tested. "I rejected her," he pouted and slumped in defeat, hitting his forehead on Sage's shoulder and keeping it there with a heavy exhale.

"Good job, James," Sage tried not to laugh as she patted his arm because she really was pleased with his actions, but his forlorn attitude about it was entertaining as always.

As a part of his gradual changes to himself, paired with absolutely no more extreme partying or drinking, James had taken on a tentative vow of celibacy; stating to Sage that he'd only sleep with someone if he actually had some sort of feelings for them that went beyond solely sexual. In other words, he was pretty sure that he was never going to fuck anyone ever again. He needed this alteration in his lifestyle for a while, though. Bedding the fairer sex wouldn't have been such a big deal if he didn't always use it for a negative purpose; escaping and turning off emotionally when he needed to begin embracing what he actually felt and not what he wanted others to believe he was feeling.

He was determined to attempt to stop shutting down and acting, choosing to open up and be as genuine as he could manage instead with Sage's highly necessary assistance. He couldn't do it alone, and he needed someone to hold him accountable while still looking at him with new eyes rather than the understandable complacency the boys had grown accustomed to using when it came to dealing with him because of just how many times he had screwed things up. Plus, it didn't hurt that he had a natural respect towards his pseudo sister. She had been through things he could never fathom, and he began realizing that, if she could go through what she did and become a better person despite all of it, then he could try his damnedest to follow her lead.

He had a large incentive too. His career was at the top of his list of things to juggle, tying with his family, and, after Logan explained that his recent recreational use of ecstasy could have landed him in the hospital and the hot seat with Gustavo and Griffin, he was basically scared straight. James couldn't lose his job and his dream of being a star, not when he was so close that he could taste it as the days until their album drop ticked away. If he let that slip through his fingers, he believed he would then really be no one; at least not anyone worth being. He needed Hollywood to keep himself afloat. It was one of the few things that made him happy besides sex, drugs, and alcohol, so it was the best of his addictive options to hold onto.

"So, why am I back here with you if you got it covered?" Sage ran her eyes over James' face, instinctively checking for something else to be worried about.

"I just needed a distraction," James shrugged tiredly and spun around so he was sitting normally again while he took another peak at the brunette across the aisle; now listening to her iPod. Her skirt was way too short for their freezing destination, and her cleavage was on full display for anyone to observe. James tightened his grip on Sage's hand. "And I want to change my answer so I can bend her over the little sink in the bathroom and-"

"Got it," Sage interjected loudly enough to get his attention off of the girl and his fantasies. She cringed and shook her head when James smiled embarrassedly at her. That was progress right there. The overly confident and unapologetic James Diamond was rarely embarrassed. "I'm beginning to rethink the whole me being your 'therapist' thing," Sage teasingly informed him with a smirk. "You know how many nasty images you've put in my head since we've started this?"

"Please, the stories of my sex-capades are excellent, and you know it. Plus, you owe me. I listened to your and Kendall's crap for months and I totally helped you out," James replied smugly and raised one of his legs up to rest his ankle over the opposite knee as he lounged in his comfortable chair. It was his first time flying in style, and he was loving every second of it. Unfortunately for Sage, it gave him a natural ego boost that she had to deal with.

"You're right, but you're also being an ass about it," she gave him credit where it was due with a grin but reprimanded him for where he went wrong. It was a part of their system; honesty was the best policy on both ends. Also, they seemed to do it in a relatively light and carefree way that James responded well to. He preferred it when things weren't all anger and disappointment. He could listen that way; slowly but surely.

"Noted," James nodded and offered her a sincere smile when he recognized his narcissistic mistake. He didn't even know why he delivered his prior comment in such a rude way when he never had a problem with helping them in the first place. In fact, he did all he could to keep Sage and Kendall together and perfect. James hated realizing that he sometimes couldn't stop making everything about him or using genuine favors he did as leverage for his benefit later on.

He squeezed Sage's hand in appreciation one last time before detangling them. He was just about to open his mouth but was cut off by a few giggles from the row of seats in the center aisle where Logan and Camille sat.

The actress had reluctantly but graciously accepted a plane ticket paid for by Gustavo as a kindness to Logan, who was undeniably the least hated of his "dogs", after the boy did some begging paired with a pleading smile from Sage, who was just simply "his favorite", which really only meant that she'd be yelled at and ridiculed a little less by the producer. It was Camille's chance to spend a bit of vacation time with Logan, even if it was just for less than twenty-four hours because she'd be taking an early flight on Christmas morning to get to Connecticut for the holidays. Then she had to rush back to California to jump into the last round of her brutal, competitive auditioning process for the movie role she was surely about to land. Also, she would now have the opportunity to meet Laura Mitchell, which would be a huge, serious step in her and Logan's relationship. He had never introduced a girl to his mother, but he wasn't expecting a bad reaction of any kind. In fact, he was excited for his mom to meet Camille because he had a feeling they'd get along. She was the right amount of eccentric that Laura had come to welcome because of how much she saw when she traveled, and, after she and her son had gained a new understanding, Logan knew that she'd be open to the person he cared about. It also didn't hurt that Camille was naturally a treat to be around. She kept life interesting.

Logan currently had his girlfriend perched in his lap as they both passed her iPhone between them. They had been playing scrabble on it for the better part of the flight while they sat in their own little world, but the rules Camille suggested were different and a new challenge for her astute boyfriend. Unlike the original guidelines of the game, they were allowed to use proper nouns, and every word spelled had to have something to do with Hollywood. The couple occasionally let out peals of soft laughter and flirted the entire time with banter when they would debate whether their word was accurate or not; Camille laying down actors' names that Logan had hardly heard of and Logan smartly spelling out terms related to the lengthy history of the famed district. Every time they'd get close enough, he'd peck the actress on the lips and she'd squirm into his lap; former barriers nearly fully forgotten as more time passed and they spent so many of their days together.

"They're making me queasy with the young love, giggle-at-everything bullshit," James informed Sage loudly, glaring in the direction of the pair.

"Whoa, Scrooge! Take it down to a whisper," Sage stared around them in a panic to see if anyone had overheard his suddenly grumpy declaration. The space remained pretty quiet, but she was still on edge for a few seconds. Usually, James reserved his honest rants and sharp comments just for her now, trying to avoid trouble rather than usher it in, but he had made his remark about Logan and Camille with almost no hesitation.

"Sorry," James murmured much softer than his first words and began playing with his fingers in his lap, refusing to make eye contact with Sage.

"You don't get all pissy when Kendall and I do lovey-dovey stuff, and even I think some of the things we do are nauseating," Sage attempted to make James smile by poking fun at Kendall and herself, but he barely gave her a grin while he picked at his bitten fingernails; having gotten shorter when he began nibbling on them lately out of a nervous habit when he got too stressed and there was no way to alleviate the feeling for a while. "Why are Cam and Logan different?" That took James out of his trance. He instantly put on a taunting expression, lips quirked into a smirk and one eyebrow raised higher than the other.

"I totally think you and Kendork are disgusting. You're regular vomit-inducers," he joked with a chuckle. It was almost too vibrant; too quick and joyous after his sour mood.

"Thank you very much," Sage rolled her eyes and then grew more inquisitive and serious, "but what about Logan and Cami-"

"Oh, look! That girl's on the move again, probably off to flirt with someone in coach after I turned her down," James blew a heavy breath out between his lips, speaking with distaste, but there was also too much dramatics and haste laced in there for Sage's liking. "She looks so hot," he pouted amusingly, but Sage was anything but humored. She recognized James' evasion techniques. They were one of the first things she tried to familiarize herself with when she agreed to give James the help he asked for.

"Are you alright? You're doing that… thing…" Sage bit the inside of her cheek and stared up at him with an analytical but wary demeanor.

"I don't do a _**thing**_," James replied indignantly, complaining in a higher-pitched voice, and Sage saw that he was attempting to pull her further into the distraction. Him whining and playing, with no end in sight, usually meant that he was mentally sprinting away from something at lightning speed.

"You're doing it right now," Sage told him nervously. She knew that she was treading on dangerous ground when she called him out. She still wasn't used to unsettling him yet even though he told her time and time again to do it for him because it was necessary. "Are you worried about seeing your parents?" she guessed, thinking that any sign of love would trigger the issues he had with the one reason he was so against it in the first place.

"Y-Yeah…" James responded shakily, jumping on the bait she gave him and eagerly chewing it without a second thought. Talking about Sandra and Chris was better than the real issue brewing in his brain and heart.

James held a lot of resentment towards his parents for what they put him through, something that he hadn't begun realizing the impact of until recently. It was a massive part of his discussions with Sage because it seemed to be the route of many of his problems, and he hated that he felt that way towards them. He did love each of them dearly, but that didn't stop the negative feelings from surfacing occasionally when he felt like his childhood experiences of war and animosity had broken him somehow.

Although, he had to take ownership of his faults; each of them being his responsibility now that he was no longer under either one of his parents' roofs. Sage understood him right away when he explained Sandra and Chris because she had held a similar bitterness towards her mother for a long time, feeling angry at Julia for being weak and stupid when it came to Elliot, but then she had gone and done the same thing; making her learn that everyone has their mistakes and regrets. James needed to know that; that he wasn't alone or the only person emotionally hurting themselves for the missteps they made. Sage had gotten past her own with constant aid from her newly found loved ones, and she wanted to offer the same to them when she could.

"It shouldn't be so bad, though. It's just a few days with Dad, having him hound me about the girls I've been with and the exciting life I've been living," he smiled softly and shook his head at the idea of his not-serious-enough father, "and things with Mom have been better than they were for a long fuckin' time, so she might even be, dare I say, a pleasure to be around," he laughed and unfolded his legs to assume a more genuinely relaxed position. He may have avoided the real issue, but Sage did what he loved about her. She helped, whether she understood or not. "Thanks for looking out for me."

"You're my brother, so it's kinda my job," she squeezed his arm comfortingly. "I'm proud of you for turning down the hot girl, by the way. It was very mature and rational," she settled into her seat, comprehending the fact that James had reached his limit of sharing seriously for the day. He was fiddling with his fingers once again, so she knew to back off a little.

"Aw! Now I'm thinking about her again!" James stomped his foot and leaned over Sage to look down the aisle for the brunette he had let get away only to be met with the torso of Logan. He jumped back a bit and looked up, seeing that Kendall and Carlos were hanging over the seats in front of him and Sage. Camille was speaking quietly into her phone, at the front of the first-class section, with a smile on her face as she conversed with her mother about their holiday plans.

"So, are you two like an item now?" Carlos teased and Kendall leaned his body closer off of the back of the chair he kneeled on with playful interest.

"You guys have been awfully chummy lately," Logan added with a lopsided smirk and folded arms, making James and Sage roll their eyes before James took a more dramatic approach. He latched his hand onto Sage's again and pressed his shoulder against hers roughly enough to make them both sway.

"You caught us! We're hopping on a flight to Vegas and tying the knot as soon as we ditch you losers at the airport," he exclaimed, pulling his laughing companion close while she lamely tried to shove him away.

"I'm pretty sure that I called dibs on her first," Kendall reminded him with an almost genuine grimace before he was grinning again and holding his hand out across the top of the seat so Sage could hold it, their fingers locking together in a way nothing else could match up to.

"Fine, take her. I'm not a relationship kind of guy anyway," James placed his palm flat on Sage's back and gently nudged her towards Kendall.

"That makes two of us," Carlos sighed heavily with a lazy smile and propped his chin up on the back of the chair.

"You doing alright without Arielle, man?" James stared up at his best friend. He wished he had seen the truth about the cruel model sooner, thinking that he could have saved Carlos a lot of heartache, but deep down he understood that the lively boy had to learn the lesson Arielle offered all by himself and on his own terms.

"For the tenth time, I'm okay," Carlos chuckled and playfully swatted the hand Logan tried to pat his shoulder with. He really was better after he dropped the voluminous weight that was Arielle, but his family was constantly fussing over him; worried about him feeling lonely or depressed even though his old, energetic attitude was back in full swing. "What are you stressing about?"

"Well, none of us have ever gone through an actual break up, but now you've got a second one under your belt," James explained easily, widening his eyes when he realized how bad his choice of phrasing sounded.

"Wow, James. Thanks for putting that into perspective for him. Very helpful," Logan rubbed at his temple but cracked a smile when Carlos merely laughed at his friend.

"He's being honest, Logie. There's not much else we could ask for," Kendall snickered at his brothers and stood when the captain announced their impending landing.

It was time for them to start their vacation and reunite with the people they left behind. They were all hoping to relax and enjoy themselves, having no stressors in the small town of Sherwood that they would normally be met with in Los Angeles. It was a much needed break, but they were happy that it was still just that; a break. No matter how much the boys missed Minnesota, they had happily made their own lives in California that they wanted to get back to. 2J was their real home now; one they had worked to create for themselves.

* * *

Carlos stood on the side of his house, dodging snowballs thrown wildly by his nieces and nephews. All three of his sisters were inside chatting with his mother and their husbands and neglecting to watch as their children brutalized their uncle and his friends with echoing laughter. James growled loudly and held his arms out to chase them, making the kids sprint towards the backyard through the foot of snow covering the ground. Logan took Camille up onto his back and smiled brightly as they helped James rile the young children.

"Run!" the kids all yelled at once, giggling like maniacs when James intentionally took a spill simply for their benefit so he couldn't catch them easily with his long legs.

The six teenagers had driven their rental van right to the Garcias' home for brunch after their flight landed. Adriana welcomed them all with open arms, being mindful of Sage after the vague warnings Carlos had given her. He didn't hand out any extreme details, but he knew that his caring mother would understand if he told her to be cautious of the once fragile and steadily-strengthening girl. Sage was doing well, though; finding support in numbers with all of the people she trusted around her. She had a mild upset in the airports, both in L.A. and in Minnesota, due to the large crowds and uniformed officers; causing her to grow absolutely silent as she stared at the floor while tucking herself securely under Kendall's strong arm so he could lead her to where she needed to be.

The air of Sherwood, the cold and the stillness, seemed to calm her as she took everything in. It was serene in a way, and it felt more private; reminding her of the times she spent with Kendall in their spot by the lake in Ramsey. She even appeared to enjoy herself around Carlos' welcoming family; donning a brilliant smile while conversing with her friend's mother and older sisters. Her attitude changed, however, when there was a noise not belonging to the playing children or James, Logan, and Camille's roughhousing. Eduardo finished his last shift at the station for the day, and he drove slowly up the road, moving at a snail's pace probably because he saw his grandchildren running and screaming through the large gap at the side of the house between them and the neighbor. He parked in the driveway and began climbing out of the car slowly, scanning a folder full of paperwork he'd unfortunately have to do over the holiday.

Sage froze in a manner that she hadn't done since they conducted daily therapy for her in 2J. Officer Garcia was driving a squad car and dressed in his uniform, and the colors, symbols, and gun on his belt were too familiar.

Kendall had been grinning and tugging her by the waist to get to the backyard as Carlos laughed beside them while they watched Camille and the other two boys continue to dodge an onslaught of snowballs from the children, but Sage became deadweight before he even understood what she was seeing. She just stopped moving, stopped breathing correctly; puffs of condensation no longer leaving her pale lips at a steady or heavy enough rate.

Her heart physically hurt at the amount of panic lashing at it, and her mind was trying to slip like it hadn't in a long time, like it used to in the beginning; being consumed by an overwhelming and paralyzing sting that felt akin to needles jabbing repeatedly at her chest. There was a burning in her eyes, feeling as though she was most definitely going to cry; getting the notion in her head that the world was coming to an end and Elliot had broken his promise to her and returned. The Garcias' driveway became the Hendersons'. The house beside her got a bit taller and narrower. The neighbor's property drifted farther away until it was at a distance that was abnormally far; far enough so that no one could hear her scream. But it wasn't like she could anyway. Her throat was numb, and she was nothing. Correction, she was going to be Elliot's again.

"Sage!"

Kendall grasped her chin tightly between his thumb and forefinger, forcing her to look at him. He had called her multiple times and squeezed her hands but he received no response. This last time was more of a shout, and that had Logan, James, and Camille fumbling in their movements with an abrupt panic of their own. The children ran and began discussing a snowman, not disrupted in the slightest, but Carlos knew they would be if they were ignored for too long, so he waved his friends off with a forced smile that pained his face and then turned to Sage and Kendall. James, Camille, and Logan didn't appear pleased, all wearing matching frowns because they knew something was wrong, but they did as Carlos wanted and went back to the kids.

"Look at me, baby. Come on…" Kendall coaxed his girlfriend urgently but softly, having enough presence of mind to keep it down for the sake of the children but also finding it difficult not to cry himself when he saw her so terrified after a long period of peace. She looked gone, like she was going to disappear, but then her eyes finally met his and she came back a little.

"Kendall," she breathed out his name and rubbed nervously at the spot she knew the scar on her arm laid beneath the winter coat she had on. Just as her attention had gone to the boy in front of her, it was stolen back by more movement in the driveway when Eduardo slammed the door to his squad car shut. It sounded like a warning. An identical noise had always been paired with Elliot's arrival home; when he was coming back for Sage and her fate was always ungracefully dropped into his hands.

"It's just my dad, Sage. It's okay… I promise…" Carlos slipped his fingers around her wrist apprehensively at first, unsure if she'd react how she used to, but she knew his touch now. His and the others' were almost as familiar as Kendall's. "He's not Elliot… He's not bad. He's like a bigger and better version of me; couldn't hurt a fly even if he tried," Carlos joked, attempting to sound cheerful but unable to tear the frown of worry off of his face as he slid his hand down to hold the one of hers that Kendall didn't have.

"You swear?"

It killed them how fragile and tiny she sounded. It was as if she was smaller than the children rolling balls of snow in the backyard to create an imaginary friend made of the icy substance for the day. Her bravery diminished and everything hinged on Kendall and Carlos to get it back.

"Absolutely," Carlos smiled reassuringly and glanced at Kendall to see him blinking away the moisture in his eyes and smile too; a genuine expression once he heard his soul mate coherently say more than one word. "You wanna leave? Kendall can take you to his-"

"No, no. I-I'll stay h-here… I can do it," Sage's stubbornness returned for a moment as she straightened her posture but gripped even tighter onto Kendall and Carlos' hands and kept her eyes on Eduardo, who was brushing a bit of stray snow off of his car like he cherished the vehicle with everything he had; always respecting and loving his job. She wished that Elliot hadn't shared the same, supposedly helpful and trustable, profession. He desecrated it for her.

"As long as y-you're sure," Carlos sighed shakily, licking his chapped lips and stealing a glance at his father. "I'm gonna talk to him, okay? You don't have to meet him until he changes out of the uniform…"

"Thanks," she kept her hand in Kendall's but used her other arm to wrap Carlos in a hug, burying her face into the scarf around his neck; every real and rational sensation coming back the more she took her actual surroundings in.

"No problem, kid," he mumbled into her hair teasingly, laughing heartily along with Kendall when she hit Carlos' back. She'd resist him playfully when he did it, but Carlos loved to give small reminders that she was younger than him; never having gotten to be an older brother to anyone before. He treasured that role now that Sage had created it for him.

Kendall guided her away slowly into the backyard after she unraveled herself from Carlos, who quickly spun on his heels and rushed down the shoveled walkway along the perimeter of the house to get to Eduardo.

"Hi, Dad," he grinned when the man turned around and spotted him, smiling from ear to ear at the sight of his child being back home. He held his arms out for a hug, and Carlos jumped right in.

"You look good, son!" Eduardo exclaimed jovially, patting the boy's shoulder a few times before he pulled him away to look him over under the bright sunlight reflecting off of the piles of fallen snow. "Did you get taller?" he smirked and ruffled Carlos' hair, pushing his head to the side with laughter that matched his son's.

"Nope, I'm pretty sure that I'm still too short," Carlos lightly tapped his knuckles against his father's ribs.

"I don't know, Carlos. It takes a pretty big man to do what you did with Arielle," Eduardo pulled him into a sideways hug and rubbed his shoulder while Carlos' smile softened as he rolled his eyes. The two male Garcias had no difficulty with staying in contact after the youngest moved, always making time to chat here and there depending on their schedules, and Carlos was consistently honest with his parents about what was happening in his life with his ex-girlfriend as things progressed and eventually reached their breaking point.

"That's all in the past now, Dad. We don't need to talk about her, especially not on a holiday. I think it would be sacrilegious or something," he chuckled easily, and that was enough to keep Eduardo relaxed. He was okay as long as his son was being himself, which, in his eyes, was the most important thing to be above all else.

"Are all my grandbabies here already?" Eduardo released his hold on Carlos and made a few strides to the side of the house when he heard laughter from the usually silent backyard, but Carlos stopped him with a hand latched onto his wrist before he could move any closer to the group.

He could see Kendall leading Sage around the yard, keeping her as close as possible and whispering into her ear with soft words and smiles that appeared to be keeping her calm enough to look present even when her eyes caught sight of Eduardo standing beside Carlos. Her body jolted a bit, most likely reading it as a danger when seeing a person dressed like Elliot sharing her brother's immediate proximity, but Kendall kept talking to her as if she didn't even falter at all and that made her unwind again and bring her focus back to her boyfriend and the playing children.

"Wait, Dad. I need to talk to you first," Carlos lowered his hands and dug them into his pockets, not necessarily to ward off the frigid air, but more so that his fingers would stop twitching nervously.

"What's wrong?" Eduardo was immediately alarmed, his eyes searching his son for any visible signs of harm or distress but unable to detect anything he could grasp until Carlos spoke.

"Sage is back there too," he nodded his head in her direction, and Eduardo zoned right in on her; recognizing her from the picture he had acquired with her record nearly a year and a half ago. The view was clearer now, with no bruises, broken bones, or blood like in the hospital image he had to go by back then.

She was standing and speaking to the youngest little girl of the bunch. She looked as normal as she could get as she enthusiastically listened to whatever the child was telling her while the girl tugged at the teen with pink gloved hands, bringing her to a snow angel she had made near the back fence. Kendall stayed glued to Sage, hovering like a shadow, but he looked like he was talking occasionally too as they crunched through the snow; not letting himself shut down as long as she wasn't going to.

"I wasn't right about her back then, was I?" Eduardo murmured sullenly and turned to his son.

Carlos looked up at his father to see something he wasn't sure he had ever witnessed on his face before; uncertainty and guilt coating everything. The man was always confident and alive, and now he appeared a little sick when he saw the girl he once inadvertently labeled a trouble-making delinquent smile sweetly at his smallest grandchild and hang on every word the youth said with undivided attention.

"You…" Carlos started, feeling some of the anger he had in the past when it came to this discussion, which took place in nearly the same spot at the front of the house, but he let it go. "You were really wrong…" he admitted sadly, swallowing the forming lump in his throat as he watched Sage laugh and high-five his niece after the child had successfully struck her older brother with a perfect snowball that Kendall helped her form in her tiny hands.

If his father had listened all those months ago, things could have been different, but Carlos didn't like to dwell on it. None of what occurred was anyone's fault, and none of it could be reversed. Sometimes things just happened without rhyme or reason, and all of the evidence Eduardo saw to formulate his own opinions and ideas had been written clearly in black and white, and, even though there was definitely gray mixing cunningly between the lines, people would read the situation how they wanted to read it. They would always just see what they wanted to see, and only Carlos, Sage, Kendall, James, and Logan would know every gruesome detail of the truth. Even Camille wasn't completely in on some of the more heart wrenching aspects, being Sage's confidant but having never fully witnessed therapy; having never saw the once strong girl crumble right before her eyes into a literal heap on the floor waiting to be picked up. The residents of 2J were bonded forever; comprehending and living through things only they could ever hope to understand.

"He hurt her so bad…" Carlos sighed and rubbed at the back of his neck when it cramped up with tension, watching the thinner layer of snow on the path cave beneath his feet as he shifted his weight.

"Is there anything I can do?" Eduardo appeared anxious to help, having an attitude much like his son's, but Carlos didn't hesitate to shake his head. His father's interference meant police involvement, which was one of the last things Sage wanted when it came to Elliot. He hadn't even told Eduardo half of the story when he explained Sage's arrival in L.A., only saying that she had come back to Kendall and she was there getting happier by the day and that things were fantastic with them as a unit. All Eduardo really needed to know now was that there wasn't any threat against her anymore. Whether that was entirely accurate was up for debate.

"No, it's over. Sage is home and she's safe. Everything's fine… It's over…" Carlos repeated himself gently with a hint of a bittersweet smile while his father nodded in understanding.

In the backyard, James, Logan, and Camille had the rest of the kids carefully making the climb up into the old tree house at the corner of the property; the one the boys used to hide away in when they were young. That was a time where everything was innocent and nothing bad had tainted them yet. Life was so easy back then; full of comic books, mock fights, action figures, and adventures in the woods surrounding Sherwood with nothing but imaginations to arm them on the journey through the trees and brooks. Now they had very real journeys to trek through, laden with harsh truth and too tangible dangers, but, on the plus side, they had the protection of each other; never forced to be alone.

* * *

"Mom, tell your son to leave me alone," Katie groaned when Kendall pushed her head away from the rest of her body and attempted to make a grab for the cell phone in her hands. She clutched it tightly and couldn't stifle the too-girly-for-her-taste giggle that erupted when he tickled her sides to try to get her to drop it, but she eventually dodged him and squirmed her way off of the couch by kicking him in the shin with her sock-clad foot.

"Katie, I just wanna see who my little sister is texting. I'm looking out for you!" Kendall couldn't even keep the smile off of his face when he knew that he was bullshitting her.

"You're being nosy," Sage sipped on her hot chocolate and shared a look with Karen, who was straightening out the stockings above the lit fireplace; holding out one for Sage to take while she pushed the pin of another into the wood of the mantle to secure it into place.

"Kendall, let her be. She's just talking to her friends," Karen rolled her eyes when her son nearly fell over the coffee table after Katie faked him out and ran towards the Christmas tree by the front windows.

"Are any of these friends boys?" Kendall forced the last word out with a false, sweet nonchalance that was betrayed by the way he widened his stance and smirked at his sister; staring down the brunette and waiting for her next move after she trapped herself in a corner.

"Maybe one or two of them," Katie grinned and looked at her phone when it rang and signaled a new message. She immediately ignored Kendall to respond, giving him time to snatch it away from her, but Karen carefully handed Sage the box of tacks she was holding and latched onto the back of the boy's shirt to pull him away. He squealed but didn't fight it. He kind of missed his mother telling him what to do.

"You're not supposed to date anybody until you're thirty!" Kendall whined and crossed his arms, keeping his distance from Katie while she finished typing on her phone.

"I thought you guys agreed on fifteen?" Sage came to her sister's defense as much as she could, earning a proud smile from Katie and a wide-eyed stare from Kendall.

"I missed you," Katie sighed and tossed her phone onto the couch as she passed Kendall to get to Sage, silently daring her brother to make a move for it, but he stayed where he was; frowning petulantly but otherwise calming down.

"Missed you too, Kit Kat. How is everything with school going? Your friends, boys or not, are… nice, right?" Sage hugged the small girl against her torso and placed her cup of cocoa down to get both arms around her.

Katie was going to be thirteen in less than two months, which meant being able to stay home on her own and increased autonomy; less watchful eyes on Karen's part as she would be forced to relinquish some of her hold in order to let her already mature daughter grow even more. By the time Sage was that age, she was being bullied and alienated by her peers while things got worse at home. There was a silent agreement between her and Kendall that they would look out for Katie as much as possible, even from their home in California. She would be okay because she was smart, but they couldn't stop worrying, especially Kendall since he left her behind without guidance. They did have the saving grace that was David, though. Karen's boyfriend was a good role model and eager to help in any way he could to keep the astonishingly tightknit and tortured family happy and healthy. With everyone's blessing, he had even moved into the Knight home; jumping in as the caretaker for Katie and Karen.

"No worries. I'm sorta the leader in my group. People don't mess with me, and, if they do, I take care of them," Katie smirked delightfully and threw herself down onto the couch beside her phone after detaching from Sage. Karen stopped her work near the mantle to look at her daughter with a questioning stare; fierce eyes and a quirked eyebrow evident. "I mean, I take care of them in a totally nice and non-violent, completely legal way, of course," Katie gave her mother the most virtuous smile she could muster up, causing the woman to shake her head and turn back to hang the last stocking.

"That's my girl," Kendall held his fist out to bump against hers approvingly while Sage laughed at them both and perched on the arm of the couch next to Katie.

She missed this; missed the family she had come to know over two years earlier in Ramsey. It felt surreal to be back around them on Christmas, in a different house that somehow felt the same regardless of its location. A year ago, she was standing in her room, her prison, staring at Elliot as he revealed that he killed Julia while simultaneously begging her to love him anyway and forcing her to stay with him no matter what. Now she was free. She could walk right out the front door if she wanted to, not that she did or ever would, but the idea that it was a possibility made her feel warm and safe as Kendall came to lean beside her and rub her back with the palm of his hand.

Sage could tell that he was happy, even if Katie was growing up and stressing him out. It was a good, normal stress; not one that came with losing the love of his life or being plagued by the images his mind created of her getting beaten and raped. For a while there, early on after Sage's return, he had almost believed things couldn't be fine or pleasurable again; that he couldn't have small, quiet, and genuine moments like these. He was wrong, however, and the heat from the fire his mother was in front of and the feel of Sage against him as she chatted softly with Katie about her friends was proof of that. The only thing missing for them was the guys, and that's how Kendall knew that it was okay to move on too. It was good for him and Sage to make a home of their own with their brothers in L.A. This, Katie and Karen and Sherwood, was a pleasant treat from the wild life of California, but it was just a break, just a vacation, and they would gladly return to their self-made home of 2J after they were done enjoying what used to be theirs before they realized where they really belonged.

"Kendall, can you do me a favor?" Karen looked at him expectantly after smoothing a wrinkle out of the stocking with Sage's name on it.

"Anything you want, Mom," he answered softly, leaning over to kiss her on the cheek. She pulled away and smiled as she tried to get a read on him. The only thing she saw was peace.

"Could you go outside and make sure David didn't freeze to death? I sent him out there to organize the presents in the trunk over ten minutes ago," Karen peered out the front windows, but the lights inside were the only thing she could see reflecting off of the panes. The rest was just black. She knew that her request to David was a tad insane. Katie didn't believe in Santa Claus, and the presents didn't necessarily have to be kept hidden, but Karen always liked the idea of them being placed under the tree late Christmas Eve night.

"Sure," Kendall nodded agreeably and went back over to Sage and Katie. He kissed his girlfriend on the lips while his sister was talking to her and staring at her retrieved phone at the same time, multitasking so effortlessly too early for her age. "Try to get the names of those boys so me and the guys can check 'em out before we go back home," he whispered into her ear and laughed faintly when Sage swatted his arm for being too abrasive when it came to Katie's social life. Kendall kissed her neck and hummed when she pushed into his lips, dropping one last kiss to her forehead before he walked off to slip into sneakers quickly and shrug a jacket over his thermal shirt to brave the cold, night air when he stepped outside.

There was no movement in the front yard except for a light breeze blowing in from the north that made the wind chimes echo from their spot on the door at the back of the house. In the driveway, Kendall's eyes deceived him for a moment; seeing a squad car parked solidly in the space before he blinked and it was gone. He knew it was just sympathy paranoia because of the morning Sage had at the Garcias' home, which went relatively well even after Eduardo arrived. Carlos had spoken to him like he promised, and the man only made a small appearance from far away at first before disappearing inside and remerging dressed in civilian clothing. Sage relaxed then, like he had never shown up in the uniform she had been conditioned to fear. She was quiet for a while, and Eduardo seemed to respect that, but then they got on to talking about Carlos and how great he was; serving both to embarrass the normally modest teen to no end and to act as an icebreaker between the unlikely pair. It really wasn't all that long before Sage was chatting openly, keeping herself under Kendall's arm or by Camille or the boys' sides like they were a safety blanket but still remaining calm and far from panicked.

The two cars actually occupying the Knights' driveway, one Karen's and the other David's, were vacant, but the snow on the trunk of David's was all brushed to the ground. The man had been there and left, and there was a trail of foot prints in the thick snow leading to the narrower side of the house. Kendall shoved his hands into his pockets and tilted his head curiously as he followed the fresh tracks. Along the strip of what would be green grass in the spring between their house and the neighbor's, he could see a miniscule orange dot glowing in the distance. He approached it slowly, David's image getting clearer in the pale light coming from the mounted fixture near the roof at the back of the house.

"What are you doing?" Kendall chuckled lightly at the man because he looked like a different person from the one who had walked out of the house several minutes earlier. David Morgan was a goofy guy, probably too naïve for his own good around the conniving Katie, and he was more often than not talking about movie nights and family dinners rather than going out with his own friends or slacking off at home. So, the image of the clean-cut man sitting on the ground against the side of the house with a can of beer in one hand, a lit cigarette in the other, and a grimace of disgust on his face was like stepping into an alternate dimension.

"Um… H-Hi, Kendall. I didn't hear you come out," David shuffled in his spot, lamely attempting to think about hiding the items in his hands before he realized that it was useless, and then he full-on pouted like a kid caught red handed. He didn't feel any better when Kendall laughed at him a little.

"Please don't tell me you're a closet alcoholic who chain smokes. Then I'd have to hit you or something for lying to my mom… and I'm not feeling particularly violent at the moment," Kendall smirked and plopped down beside David right in the snow. The cold seeped into the bottom of his jeans, but he was used to it after growing up in the environment, and he had even missed it a bit.

"No," David huffed and smiled at the boy he basically considered his stepson. "I'm… it's gonna sound stupid, but this isn't something I make a habit out of… It's kind of a tradition…" he stopped and took a drag of the cigarette, squinting in distaste before exhaling and pulling it away from him as far as his arm would allow.

"I think regular people have, like, secret Santas or fake a smile every time they get a fruit cake over the holidays. Those are traditions. This," Kendall gestured to David, "is weird, which, don't get me wrong, is actually kinda normal around here, but it's still a little beyond our average abnormality… I never saw you as the smoking type. You're sort of…" he trailed off slowly, not wanting to think of something that could be offensive but trying to get it right.

"A dork," David filled the gap in for him with a hearty laugh and a small sip of the beer, also something he tended not to over indulge in.

"That works," Kendall shrugged shyly, still feeling bad but smiling anyway.

"I do this for my dad," David stretched his legs out and pushed some of the snow beneath the heels of his boots away, shifting his butt around as if he could find a warmer spot on the cold ground.

"Why?" Kendall's voice came out lower than it had been. His own father wasn't something that was brought up a lot anymore. Kevin was part of the past, and he had mourned him a long time ago before he sucked up his loss and bravely moved on with life, but that didn't mean he wasn't missed or that there wasn't a small twinge in Kendall's heart when he remembered how long he had been gone and how much he hadn't seen of his children growing up.

"Well, he died when I was twenty-one, and he was probably the coolest guy ever… in my eyes at least," David smirked and fiddled with the tab on the top of his beer can, and Kendall nodded for him to continue. "When I was growing up, I was surrounded by all these female cousins of mine, and, on Christmas, I always got forced into a group with them, which meant watching our moms cook and gossip about shit," he stopped when he realized that he cursed, always careful in front of Katie, but Kendall didn't mind and urged him forward with a quirk of his shoulders before staring at the dark sky above them.

There wasn't a star in sight, clouds accumulating thickly overhead.

"So, Christmas wasn't really fun for me. I loved my family, but I hated feeling like a guy stuck in a sea of pink Barbies and the latest town chatter when I watched my aunts baste a turkey and exchange recipes while my dad and uncles got to go outside. They'd stand in the backyard and talk about hunting or wrestling or… I don't really remember, just kind of manly things that I idealized, you know?" David got another nod from Kendall, making him feel like it was okay to continue even though he wasn't sure he was making sense while explaining how he felt. "But things changed when I turned sixteen. My dad pulled me out of the house on Christmas with my uncles and left all the girls behind, and he let me have a cigarette and a beer with them. I was a part of their group… It was kinda the first time I felt like a man, even though I hated smoking and found the beer gross," David chuckled and looked down at the ground in front of him, disheveled brown and gray hair falling over his forehead. "We did that every Christmas no matter what, so when he died it just felt wrong to stop. The family is separated now that we're all grown up, but I still buy a pack of cigarettes and a beer every year and take 'em out after midnight on Christmas Eve… for my dad," he took another gulp of the alcohol and sighed heavily when he pulled the can away and brought the foul-smelling cigarette to his lips.

"Can I smoke with you?" Kendall asked suddenly. He took his eyes off of the motionless sky to stare at David with a soft smile.

"You're a singer. It's bad for your job," the man joked and shook his head, taking a puff of the cigarette and wearing the same disgusted face he couldn't stop making over it. Kendall didn't even laugh that time. He stayed serious.

"Just one… It's tradition now…"

David faltered, the astonished opening and closing of his mouth just visible to Kendall in the dim lighting of the night. He watched as the older man swallowed thickly when he was assaulted with emotion from Kendall's kind gesture; a gesture that made him feel like he belonged.

"Thanks, Kendall…" David found his voice and smiled again as he held out the lit cigarette and open beer for the boy to take. Kendall didn't really drink after getting wasted his first time when he had used the action as a tool of escape, but he considered David a good enough reason to step out of his comfort zone for just a few sips. The cigarette was a little different, though. He inhaled carefully and coughed at the repelling taste, wondering why the hell anyone would want them on a daily basis.

"Is everything going alright with Mom and Katie?" Kendall must have asked that same question in a thousand different ways millions of times, but he couldn't stop himself from checking in after he departed for the opportunity in California. He had been so close with his family for his entire life. It felt weird leaving them behind without his watchful and protective eyes.

"We're all good here," David assured him hurriedly, understanding right from the start how important they were to Kendall and to each other. He took the cigarette back and sucked on it quickly before blowing the smoke away from Kendall and himself. "Katie is still a puzzle sometimes, though," he laughed and traded Kendall the cigarette for the beer, both of them fumbling a bit because of the cold. "Earlier this month, she walks up to me after she gets home from school and asks what I would think if she started calling me 'Dad'. I told her I'd be okay with it if it was what she wanted and Karen didn't mind… and then she just nodded and strolled off like she didn't say anything to me… What am I supposed to do with that?" David held his hands out exasperatedly, and his voice was a little whiny; characteristic goofiness returning full force.

"Let her do whatever feels right... She likes you, and the fact that she asked your opinion shows that she respects you, which isn't really something she offers to everyone... I'm sure it'll work itself out," Kendall twisted the cigarette between his fingers, contemplating taking another drag of the thing with a scowl before he sucked it up and brought it to his lips while David pondered what he said.

It didn't surprise Kendall much that Katie might start seeing the man as a real father figure. He was kind to her and to Karen, always showing love and affection to the woman, and he seemed to accept Katie for the cunning, scarily mature girl she was. Plus, she was practically a baby when Kevin died. She didn't technically have a "dad" for the better part of her life, only looking up to Kendall and her mother.

"I'm glad they have you," Kendall murmured and stared up at the sky again. There were delicate snow flurries falling by then, floating down into random spots on the ground around them; a few hitting the tops of Kendall's sneakers and the parts of his pants not shielded by the edge of the roof overhanging above.

David was an asset to their family. He made Kendall feel safe and secure knowing that Katie and Karen would be fine without him. He could calmly live the life he desperately wanted with Sage, Logan, James, and Carlos in Los Angeles and work on making their dreams come true along with any others they didn't even know they had yet.

After drinking a little more of the beer, David smiled and handed Kendall the can.

"I'm glad I have them too."

The snow began falling heavier, flurries turning into solid and slow-dropping flakes accumulating on the piles of frost already beneath them. The clouds of the foul smoke of the cigarette mixed with the condensation from their breathes in front of them as it expelled into the freezing air, but neither one of them cared to rush their now shared tradition; sitting on the icy ground until the beer can was empty and half of the cigarette was nothing but ash.

* * *

"I forgot how lonely it was here," Logan mumbled to himself and gazed around the foyer of his large house, able to peer down the hall into the kitchen and to the left and right at the living room and dining room. Everything was neat and untouched, looking unlived in like a museum since he had moved several months earlier, but it wasn't that shocking to him. Laura spent so much time out of town on business that she had hired someone to look after the house while she was gone. The corporate lawyer preferred expensive hotels and room service. Logan wasn't sure she even remembered what living in a house was like most of the time.

"What am I? Invisible?" Camille spoke from the top of the stairs with a smirk and her hands on her hips, which Logan zoned in on because of the clothes she was wearing; having changed out of the heavier ones for when they were in the snow and into a pair of cotton shorts and a tank top to sleep in. Her dark hair fell over her delicate, pale shoulders and the tips of her curls rested over the swell of her chest.

"No, you're beautiful," he grinned up at her, finding it easy to see her through all of the moonlight reflecting off of the ice outside and illuminating the house with a bright blue hue through all of the tall windows. Camille almost looked bashful, something she rarely was, and wrapped her arms around her body while offering her boyfriend a genuine smile as he climbed the stairs after checking the security system like he had intended to in the first place.

Laura was supposed to have been there when they arrived Christmas Eve morning, but her plans changed and she wouldn't be able to make it until early Christmas day. Logan didn't let himself get too upset by it, having experienced his mother's absence often. He took her news of delay well because she sounded truly apologetic and called him personally rather than sending an email or a text message even though she was struggling to finish a deal for a client before the New Year arrived. The sudden change also came with an upside of alone time with Camille before his mother arrived. The house was theirs to share for the night. However, because of that, there was a dash of anxiety mixed in with the happiness Logan felt, but he pleasantly surprised himself by keeping the negative emotions at bay for a change.

"Come on, we should get some rest before my mom gets here. I'm expecting her to chat your ear off. Being inquisitive is part of her job," Logan slipped his hand into Camille's when he reached the top of the steps and guided her to his room, where everything was exactly how he left it; clean and relatively bare because he packed most of his books and clothes to bring to L.A. when BTR's album was officially signed off on for production.

Logan sat on the edge of his bed and Camille stood in front of him as he played with their intertwined hands.

"Do you want to lay with me?" he stared at her hesitantly, fingers twisting nervously in her own when he heard himself actually say the words that were in his head.

He had spent the entire day with Camille, from the second he walked to her apartment to get her for the airport early in the morning up until now, and he didn't want that to be it, especially not if he wasn't going to be able to see her for over a week after she left for Connecticut. He was starting to feel pulled to her the more they stayed close. He wasn't even usually for public displays of affection unless she got him to relax enough, but he had happily kept her seated in his lap during most of the flight to Minnesota. Things were changing between them; getting stronger before he had a chance to analyze it.

"You really want me to?" Camille narrowed her eyes like he was joking and she was anticipating a punch line because of his uncharacteristic desire for affection, but she loved every second of it during the day, and he just chuckled at her pessimism now; pulling her onto the bed with him after scooting back. She gladly followed his lead even though she had expected to sleep in the guest room Logan placed her bags in earlier. She much preferred being with him over sitting in silence across the hall.

"You should know me better by now. I never ask questions without a purpose," he smirked as she mirrored his body, the two of them resting on their sides to face each other.

They were both awaiting sleep, but neither one of them shut their eyes. Camille inched towards him so that she shared Logan's pillow, and he put his hand on her hip to keep her close as his nose brushed hers right before he kissed her softly. Her fingers wound into the hair at the back of his neck and tongues were added to the mix as things became heated. They kept getting that way lately; like they were both trying to push the limits and search for more after they had reached a certain plateau in the last few months. Camille moaned when Logan flicked his tongue against the roof of her mouth and lowered his hand, squeezing at her thigh, but the sound seemed to snap him out of whatever was happening, and he pulled back.

"Whoa, wait. What are we doing?" he smiled weakly at the fog in his brain as he pressed his forehead against his girlfriend's. The confusion should have scared him because he was rarely puzzled for long, but the thing that frightened him more was that the arousal low in his stomach was stronger than anything else other than his voice and the grip he had on Camille's side to keep her at half an arm's length.

"Resting," Camille giggled and blew a heavy breath out from between her lips, making the hair in her face flutter to the side of her jaw. "Why? Do you want something else to happen?" the actress grew composed and looked down shyly before putting on the brave face Logan had gotten accustomed to; the one she painted on for auditions or when dealing with adversity from the Jennifers. He knew what was behind it, vulnerability, and he could relate to that. He felt vulnerable in absolutely everything.

"I've thought about having sex with you for a while now… I like you," he explained awkwardly, making melodic laughter come from Camille.

"I like you too, Logie," she kissed his cheek but otherwise kept her distance.

"Good," he chuckled lightly, and his thumb absentmindedly rubbed circles into the fabric of her tank top. "I just want us to wait for the right time to…" he stopped cautiously and searched for the right word despite his previous straightforward confession.

"Have sex," Camille covered for him boldly in the way only she could; always pushing him to be a little braver while still keeping him comfortable.

"Yeah, that," he agreed and released his hold on her hip in an attempt to clear his mind. "Would you want that with me? I don't want us to move too fast…"

"I've always wanted that with you Logan… It's kind of embarrassing, but I don't think my initial crush on you was any secret. When we first met, I thought about losing my virginity to you," Camille blushed and brought her hand down to nervously play with the one she had on the bed.

"Why me?" Logan looked almost petrified at the idea, like he truly believed no one could manage to want him. He was never special to a girl before. He never tried or searched. He just relied on the guys for social interaction and kept to himself.

"You sell yourself too short all the time, sweetie," Camille caressed his face, running her thumb along the shadow beneath his cheekbone. "You're not terrible to look at," she joked and he rolled his eyes bashfully while she continued more seriously. "You're amazing, Logan, and you're so good to me and your family. You have this way of being scared of things but still making me feel safe at the same time, like I know you'll be there for me when I need you… or just want you," she dropped her hand to his shoulder and slid it down to his wrist, tracing the faint ridges of the veins right under his palm.

"You're the first girl I've ever done anything with, and I want even more, but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do when I want it… James makes it look fuckin' easy as pie, Carlos doesn't appear to have issues expressing himself, and Kendall and Sage just make it seem effortless. It's not like that for me, though… I'm flying blind… You know how much I hate that," Logan grinned weakly and cracked a smile as he brought his eyes back to Camille's after ripping them off of the view of her thin fingers tickling the skin of his arm.

"But that's why sex takes two. It's got a built-in buddy system. You have me," she whispered and squeezed his hand. "And it's like you said, we'll sleep together whenever we decide the right time is, and I'm hoping it's really soon," she smirked, but it softened into a contemplative smile when she saw Logan donning his thinking face; lips pursed and brows knit together while his eyes found a random spot to stare at but not really see. "Maybe I should lie down in the other room…" Camille suggested, reading his introverted attitude as stress, which it was, but it also went beyond that.

He was thinking that he wanted "soon" to be now. Like Sage and Kendall had suggested, he listened to his heart a little more and finally addressed things with Camille like he should have long ago, but he couldn't get himself to act and stop analyzing. He needed a push.

"P-Probably," Logan nodded and began to get off the bed while she followed.

In his head, he was yelling at himself to ask her to stay, to take the next step. But Camille had given him a convenient out, and, as usual, he was taking it and running scared. She thought she was helping him, but she hadn't realized that he was just waiting for her direct go-ahead to be intimate with her.

"Goodnight," he opened the door to his room but paused to kiss her, feeling things almost pick back up from where they stopped on the bed as his hands latched onto her sides and hers tickled his neck and shoulder, but then Camille pulled away.

"Goodnight," she looked flustered but left like she had planned, unwillingly removing herself from his arms and stepping out into the hall.

Logan groaned in frustration when he clicked the door shut and rested his back against it. He found himself alone again when all he really wanted was Camille. If it was up to him, she'd still be in his bed, but he wasn't the guy who took the first risky move. He waited for those to happen to him and then worried about the consequences or let go and had fun. A knock on the door made him bite his tongue and jolt forward before composing himself and pulling away to open it.

Camille stood there, staring up at him with bated breath for just a second before she was launching herself back into his arms just how he wanted her to. His eyes were wide when she connected their mouths, his lips unmoving, but then he was smiling and his eyes slipped shut as his hands caressed her hips and tugged so that she was pressed tightly against him.

"Now?" he mumbled into the lip lock and refused to detach himself again, hating that it made her leave before.

"Now," she nodded and cradled his face with shaking hands. It had only taken her a minute to repeat their conversation in her head to see where she went wrong. With Logan, she had to be candid. This wasn't the time for her to abnormally grow shy and force him to interpret what she meant. He needed her to be herself; be bold and upfront. Even Camille had her own insecurities, but they weren't anything he didn't combat with too. She said it herself; they were a team. They needed to dive headfirst together.

Due to her slight trembling, Logan knew she was anxious and fearful. He knew what that felt like because it's what was in his stomach at the moment. It was a flutter and a burn that had each of their inhales and exhales a little labored with both lust and nerves that made them want to run, but it was that type of jumbled feeling that made them need to move and grab; grab onto each other desperately. Logan felt relaxed now that he had something to touch and hold, Camille's hips, when he literally needed to be grounded. He had someone to keep him down when he felt like he was going to jump out of his skin, and he started to realize that that was a perk of sexual contact and closeness; flying and staying down at the same time, being scared out of his mind but also excited and eager.

Everything was uncharted territory for him, and that would usually be bad, but it was good; so good in the way Camille's thighs and sides felt beneath his palms when he kneaded them and amazingly better when he got under the hem of her top and her skin singed his own. It tingled and sent shivers up his spine that were far more satisfying than when his hand touched his cock in a rare moment of what he called debauchery and he actually masturbated, which had been happening more and more as his and Camille's make out sessions grew in intensity when they were together. Past scenarios had been much like this one, but this was extraordinary.

It was going to lead to something far beyond a meeting of tongues and groping above clothes and the occasional grind of body parts. They were going to be together, naked and writhing. The imagery alone made Logan groan and tear his lips off of hers, not wanting to get ahead of himself and also attempting to gather his bearings so he could think.

"You're definitely sure?" he cupped her face and looked directly into her brown eyes.

Her pupils were blown wide and the soft glow of the moonlight coming in through the window behind him casted heavy shadows on her porcelain skin; contrasting starkly with the chestnut curls framing her cheeks and slipping between his fingers as they skimmed back to delve deeply within her long locks. She was so breathtaking, and she was his, and he was hers. It was an overwhelming idea for Logan; to be wanted and owned and to be craved and taken, having things reciprocated and open rather than just in his brain. It felt nice to not be alone.

"I want you to- I wanna be with you… if you wanna be with me…" There was a rare smidge of defenselessness in the usually confident and powerful Camille's voice.

Those were Logan's favorite moments with her; the sporadic ones where he would see her soft side when he'd hold her hand while she cuddled against him and he played with her hair or when she'd feel calm enough to drift off to sleep on a lounge chair by the pool in his arms as he read his latest book. She didn't feel like a rising Hollywood actress about to land a movie deal then. She was just Camille, his Camille; his sweet, funny, warm, brave, dramatic, crazy, well-rounded girlfriend. She was his partner.

It didn't take long for them to get back to the bed and shed their clothes. It was like Logan was on autopilot. Camille Wyatt was a drug to him. She smelled sweet when he breathed in against her neck and nibbled the skin, and his hands roamed to places he didn't think he'd ever dare to trek as he tangled his bare legs with hers and held himself above her.

"Do you have a condom?" Camille arched into his touch when he palmed the smooth flesh of her breast. All of his movements were slow and careful but had a certain energy behind them that made her feel taken care of and even more aroused because Logan was the guy she had wanted since she first laid her eyes on him. He was who she bravely chased after and thankfully got, and having that returned was the greatest feeling in the world; enough to push away negative ones like fright or self-doubt.

"Don't move," he kissed her and smiled giddily, his vitality and confidence level soaring higher than she had ever seen before, and she felt blessed that she caused that; that she brought the shy boy out of his shell and into her arms.

Logan hurried to his suitcase and took out his wallet resting near the top. He opened it up and produced a shiny wrapped condom before returning to the bed, crawling back under the sheets to slide his body against his girlfriend's; eliciting a shiver and a gasp from both of them when his erection ghosted over her thigh close to the crease of her heated center. Neither one of them had ever felt anything like it, and it was intoxicating. Camille shifted to feel it again, but Logan kept his groin at a respectable distance while he tore the condom wrapper open with his teeth.

"You've been planning this, huh?" Camille chuckled airily and licked her lips in anticipation when she caught a glimpse of Logan rolling the protection onto himself while he rose up on his knees beneath the sheets.

"Don't make fun of me," he pouted playfully, hissing when his fist around his shaft gave him some much needed friction. "The girl behind the counter at the drug store gave me this look… I felt like a creep," he scowled but laughed when Camille grabbed him by the neck and pulled him on top of her for a kiss, not feeling complete and warm unless they were touching.

"I'll go with you next time," she spoke against his lips and moaned when his fingertips traveled between their bodies confidently, only shaking slightly as they brushed along the folds of her slick core; finding her clit with his forefinger so quickly that she was absolutely positive he had researched this sort of thing. There was no doubt that he did, especially since he had taken the initiative to buy condoms and keep one with him at all times.

"Won't that look even weirder?" Logan whispered breathlessly, finding their discussion at a time like this odd but also highly comforting because it kept them present with each other. He playfully tapped his finger against the stiff bud he found between her legs as his hips instinctively writhed so his dick could drag along her thigh.

"Oh, fuck…" Camille sighed and bucked into his hand, making two of his digits slide further down to her virgin opening. They slipped in tentatively but picked up speed when she thrust into him again. "It doesn't matter what other people think, Logie," she inhaled sharply at the intrusion, but it felt pleasurable when he dragged back out slowly and his knuckles slid against the ring of her entrance.

"It doesn't?" he teased, pushing his fingers back in sluggishly and groaning when he felt how wet she was for him. He kissed her neck and sucked a hickey right above her collarbone, tending to the irritated skin as she caressed his hair and whimpered when he curled his fingers inside of her.

"N-No," Camille swallowed and her body vaulted when he rubbed her just right. "We're adults. We can do whatever we want," she whined softly as Logan trailed his lips upward, licking and pecking her skin and stopping right above her mouth to pull back just an inch so that they shared the air between them.

"And what do you want, Cam?" He could have said it seductively, if he actually comprehended how to do so, but when he spoke it sounded curious and apprehensive; like he was giving her one more chance to push him away and change her mind.

"I want you inside of me," she answered without hesitation and leaned up to seal their lips together, exhaling loudly in disappointment when he slipped his fingers out of her. She dove further into the kiss, though, because of her nerves when he moved both of his legs between hers.

Logan had all the reassurance he needed and only had to work through his own anxiety as he positioned himself at her entrance, the tip of his cock caressing the slick skin there as he stared up at her. Camille's thighs fell open wider in invitation and her hips sunk down a bit further so that they were connected even more, but her nails dug into his shoulder blades in anticipation after she wound her arms beneath his to hold onto his back as he propped himself above her. She nodded silently, all conversation between them disappearing at the moment, and he pressed his forehead into hers in a form of comfort as he thrust forward.

She gasped and went still once he had gradually encased himself in her. He paused and shushed her gently, kissing her lips and cheeks while she got past the pain of penetration and used to the feeling of being full. He didn't know how much time had passed before she wiggled beneath him to get him moving. He didn't care as long as she was okay.

Camille's moans were almost as addictive as her scent and touch, making him drive forward every time she released a new pleasured sound. Her smooth thighs latched around his hips to urge him to stay close as he rhythmically bucked into her. Logan groaned when he felt his orgasm approaching, not wanting things to ever end, but the way she clenched tightly on his cock every time he slipped inside of her made his hand in masturbation feel like nothing. He reached between them to make sure they'd end together, his fingertips finding her clit to manipulate it again after getting such a positive response earlier.

"Logan!" she yelled his name and forced her once-shut eyes open to look at him as he picked up his pace, pushing her pliable body into the mattress and his fingers against her with every harsh thrust.

When she hit her orgasm and scratched her nails down his back and her inner walls fluttered tightly around him like never before, Logan cursed against her neck and released himself into the condom, his hips moving erratically as he came down from his high. Camille's legs fell limp at his sides, and he attempted to roll off of her, but she made a small, breathy noise of protest and pushed her hands on his back to make him stay. He smiled at the gesture and dug his arms beneath her heated body so that they wrapped around her torso. They remained connected as he rotated their bodies as a unit onto their sides with her bare chest pressed firmly against his.

"I think I love you, Camille," Logan admitted unsteadily, still catching his breath while he kept his face buried in the locks of her brown hair at the crook of her neck. She froze briefly at the revelation; feeling caught by surprise, but then smiled and hugged him tighter.

"I think I love you too, Logan," she shifted slightly and kissed his temple.

Neither one of them were ready to be definitive about labeling their feelings quite yet. Romantic relationships were new to both members of the pair, and Logan was never one to leap into things with both feet and his eyes shut, but Camille stretched his boundaries enough to be willing to try; to try to figure out what love meant for them and if they had it and could keep it.

Logan's hand fell to her hip, which seemed like its new favorite position, and he leaned into her kiss. He enjoyed being home, and he wanted to see his mom again in the morning, but he was already thinking about getting back to Los Angeles. Part of that was his desire to be with Camille continuously, but it was also where he felt he belonged now, and making love to his girlfriend, a girl he would have never met if he hadn't gone to California, only cemented it as his rightful place; a place to explore and evolve in ways that running off to school to become a doctor and taking no risks couldn't have offered. Sherwood was where he grew up, but L.A. was his home; his home with Sage, his brothers, and the now increasingly important Camille.

* * *

"Carlos, how many cookies has that been?" James stared at his ravenous friend from his seat on the couch beside Sage, silently adding up the dreadful amount of calories in his head and shuddering at the total. He loved to eat too, but Carlos always managed to get overly enthusiastic about everything. James would never figure out how Carlos still remained so physically fit.

"Only thirteen," Carlos shrugged and nibbled some more on the large chocolate chip treat in his hand. "Your mom always makes the best cookies… but don't tell my mom I said that or she'll hit me with a spoon," his eyes widened as he chewed and looked to Kendall. Crumbs fell from his mouth and landed on Logan, who was seated in front of his laptop on the floor by the coffee table, and he turned abruptly to glare at Carlos.

"It'll be our secret, buddy," Kendall assured his friend and dodged his swinging arm when he flailed after Logan pinched the bottom of his leg in retaliation for dropping used food on him. Kendall twisted around to avoid any other possible bruises to his face and fell backwards to rest his head on Sage's lap, bending his knees so that he'd fit comfortably in the small space between her and Carlos.

"Ow! Be nice, Logan! It's a frickin' holiday!" Carlos pouted and nudged him with his foot, earning a slightly amused grin in response before Logan spun back around to his computer and began typing again; sending an email to Camille and also checking the information on their return flight home for the tenth time just to keep organized for the next several days.

It was late into Christmas night and the boys were having their annual sleepover at Kendall's house with Sage finally included, all of them dressed in their pajamas and sprawled in a pile on the Knights' living room furniture after spending the day with their families. Katie, Karen, and David were fast asleep upstairs, but the teens were relatively wired after not seeing one another for nearly twenty-four hours. They had gotten used to each other's company, relied on it even, and they all felt a little off without having the others only a few yards away at all times. That was why they were all clustered together now, everyone touching in some way so that they were a mass instead of individuals.

"How was your guys' Christmas, by the way? Mine was more of what you saw yesterday; loud and crazy people. There was food too. Lots of food," Carlos smiled dreamily and popped the last of his cookie into his mouth before reaching out for the plate of them beside Logan's laptop on the coffee table.

"Kendall fought with Katie about boys, she threatened his life, and he backed off. Other than that, things were nice and normal," Sage chuckled when Kendall turned his head and growled into her abdomen as if it were some form of punishment for the remark, but her hand merely tangled into his hair and fondly ran through it. She then looked to James beside her. "How did things go with your parents?" All of them, including Logan, turned to stare at him and wait for the answer; knowing that things were always risky when it came to Sandra and Chris.

"Nothing bad," James shrugged and held his hand out over Kendall and Sage, shaking it in Carlos' direction until he gave up one of the beloved cookies. He took a bite, figuring calories were something to worry about after the holidays were done with. "Dad asked a bunch of questions about the girls in L.A. and how many I've slept with-"

"Sounds like Chris," Logan murmured with a roll of his eyes while James' went to the back of the boy's head in thought, unsure if he wanted to agree or fight but choosing to move on instead because he was feeling the Christmas spirit, and he was also feeling Sage silently warning him to keep his attitude in check with a light elbow to his side.

"And my mom hugged me, like, fifty times before I even made it in the door this morning. Then she dragged me off to my grandparents' house, which meant cheek pinching and fawning over me," James split the rest of his cookie in half, tossing one piece into his mouth and chewing slowly.

"You love it when people fawn all over you," Kendall reminded him lightheartedly and looked at him upside down from his position in Sage's lap.

"Yeah, but not when they treat me like a little kid… It was just weird being there, in a tiny house with all my relatives… I missed you guys and 2J," James smiled faintly and shrugged when the rest of the group stared at him caringly.

"We missed you too, Jamie!" Carlos made a move to throw himself over Kendall to get a hug, but the blonde held his feet up to prevent his friend from launching his body over both him and Sage.

"I love you all… Let's move on," James waved the affection off dramatically before reaching out to touch his knuckles with Carlos' over Kendall. "What have you been up to, Loges?" he looked at him expectantly while eating the rest of his cookie. Logan's hands froze over his computer and he didn't turn around, but his voice sounded nonchalant when he answered.

"Nothing much. I had sex. My mom came home and met Camille. They hit it off right away, and then Cam went to Connecticut. I caught up on some sleep, and we ordered Chinese food for dinner," Logan spoke quickly and went back to typing on his laptop even though he didn't have any programs open anymore. Everyone was quiet.

"What was that first part again?" Kendall wondered with a smirk, and they all stared at the back of Logan's head now; making him feel like sinking into the floor as he spun around and gave them an awkward smile.

"I said nothing much…" he offered hopefully, looking at each one of them and praying that they'd leave it alone. He wanted them to know what happened, but he wasn't so sure that he wanted to discuss any details. Carlos was grinning and gazing at him with wide eyes, Kendall displayed a wise demeanor like he had known it was going to happen sooner or later, Sage merely smiled softly, and James wasn't doing anything other than fixating on his hands and wiping them clean of cookie crumbs with an oddly blank expression.

"You and Camille did the deed?" Carlos let out a none-too-manly giggle and patted Logan on the shoulder, causing him to feel even more embarrassed. Sage rolled her eyes, and Kendall took his turn delivering a firm thump of approval to Logan's arm as the boy nodded hesitantly.

"Are you guys in love or something now?" James' tone wasn't as teasing as it should have been. It sounded like he was trying too hard; failing miserably in Sage's watchful eyes when he forgot to smile and instead gazed dryly at the ground.

"We think we could be," Logan beamed and played sheepishly with the hem of his t-shirt.

"That's awesome, Logan… Oh, and Cam misses you. She was texting me all day because you were asleep," Sage smirked, letting him know that she had already heard about what he and his girlfriend did the night before from the actress herself. He bit his lip and couldn't stop his smile.

"I'm happy for you, man," James got up with a slight grin and ruffled his friend's hair, laughing softly when Logan tried to lean away but ended up colliding with Carlos' half of the L-shaped sofa. "Does anyone want anything from the kitchen?" he asked abruptly, hardly waiting to hear a round of no's before disappearing down the hall; completely ignoring Sage's look of apprehension as she studied him. He was off, but now wasn't the time to call him on it, and he seemed to be handling it by himself in a relatively healthy manner.

Before anyone could say something else, Logan's phone buzzed and crawled a few inches across the coffee table with the vibrations. He checked the screen to see a new text message.

"Is that your lover?" Kendall teased, and Carlos laughed when Sage tightened the grip she had on her boyfriend's hair and made him grunt at the sharp, quick pain.

"No, ass," Logan shot a glare at Kendall before reading through the message again. "It's Kelly. She says that Gustavo wants to talk to us. I'm gonna tell her I'm online and we're all together right now if she wants to video chat," he began tapping at his phone rapidly while Kendall sat up.

"The big softie probably wants to say Merry Christmas. He totally loves us," he puffed out his chest as Carlos dropped to the floor to sit beside Logan so everyone could fit into the camera's frame when he opened the chat window and began making a connection to the computer at Rocque Records. Logan secretly thought that their boss contacting them so late in the night couldn't have been a good thing, but he didn't want to burst any bubbles.

"Maybe he's gonna give us presents," Carlos suggested excitedly and finally let go of his cookie plate to set it on the table behind the laptop.

"Who are we getting presents from?" James returned with a cup of coffee and a fresh smile, like he hadn't walked to the kitchen with a covert frown only seconds before. He sat beside Sage and once again ignored the concerned countenance she was giving him.

"Gustavo wants to talk to you guys," she told him, trying to catch his eyes but getting nowhere because James kept his focus intentionally on the computer and on the mug in his hands.

"Shouldn't he be sleeping or taking a break like the rest of us?" James wondered with an apparent air of worry, his lips pausing over his cup as he looked nervously at the screen when Kelly and Gustavo appeared.

The producer was sitting at his desk, and his assistant was positioned loyally behind him; both appearing tired and worn out. Kelly's ever-present clipboard wasn't in her hands, making them look too empty and useless, and Gustavo's face was more serious than usual; looking less intimidating and more depressed.

"Hey, guys," Kelly started with a nervous smile, and all five of the teenagers were silent. They didn't like what was happening, and they didn't even know the problem yet.

"What's wrong?" Kendall spoke firmly and his grip on Sage's hand tightened as he leaned closer to the computer, his knees knocking into Carlos' back, but the boy didn't seem to care or notice.

"Dogs, Blondie," Gustavo appeared to take a moment to glance at them all through the camera, "I had a meeting with Griffin today, and I honestly tried everything I could think of to change his mind…"

"We wanted to wait to talk to you until after Christmas, but, after some thought, we figured it would be best for you to know as soon as possible…" Kelly interjected anxiously, looking just as grave as the huddled quintet.

"Who the hell died?" Carlos urged them forward impatiently, and the entire group stilled as they waited. Things suddenly weren't so cheery anymore when Gustavo finally answered.

"BTR did. Griffin pulled the plug on the band."

"What?" Kendall, Logan, James, Carlos, and Sage spoke out at once.

"The company was doing a financial check before the New Year, and, as CEO, Griffin decided that keeping the music division open was going to cost more than it's worth. He said it was a liability that he didn't want to deal with because of the economy," Kelly explained sadly. James stopped breathing and almost dropped his cup, but Sage caught it before it really left his hands and bent down to put it safely onto the floor.

"We're not liabilities, we're goddamn assets!" James argued crossly, rubbing his palms at the thighs of his sweatpants while one of his legs began bouncing uncontrollably.

"I thought we were doing a good job. Did we do something wrong?" Carlos frowned and shook his head in disbelief. They had worked and trained so hard. It couldn't just be over in the blink of an eye.

"You dogs did great," the producer looked away from the camera as he sighed. "But this is Griffin's choice. It's what he decided."

"So we'll make him undecide it," Kendall jumped in optimistically. "We made him like us at the beginning, made him want to sign us on for the album. We can change his mind," he eagerly suggested a resolution, getting a nod or two from his friends, but Gustavo's expression didn't morph into anything different.

"He already cut all of our funding off, and he's making plans to sell the studio if I don't switch over to producing ridiculous instructional tapes… It was time to retire anyway. Right, Kendall?" Gustavo smiled bitterly, remembering all of the jabs the boy used to make at him about being washed up when they had first met. "And, Blondie, I'm sorry that you're out of a job too… You were- I liked working with you, Sage," he shut his eyes to calm down and opened them again, not looking all that much better. He actually appeared a little sick.

"But he can't really believe that we won't make the company money," Logan desperately argued for them all when things fell silent again. "Our first song is doing well on the radio over there. Our fan base will develop soon and-"

"I tried it all, okay? I spoke to the guy all fucking day, and he doesn't understand… He doesn't care," Gustavo huffed out a breath and pinched the bridge of his nose. Kelly squeezed his shoulder and spoke more calmly than he did, but still with sadness.

"Griffin can throw away your contract any time he wants before the album release. According to him, you guys aren't really out in the public yet. People don't know you… You're just a number to him, and he's confident that he'll gain some money or at least break even if he cuts you loose… We're sorry…" she tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear and shifted on her feet.

"What happens now?" Sage inquired softly when none of the boys were able to find words; all thinking and staring off into the distance.

"Kelly kept your flight back here the same, but she booked another one after that to send you to Minnesota again... You'll have time to settle everything here, pack all your stuff, and I guess you'll figure out what to do next by your-"

That's where the conversation ended because James couldn't listen anymore. He whined and slammed the laptop shut, cutting off their connection to Gustavo and Kelly and leaving their group in thick muteness. No one knew what they were supposed to say. James bent forward and placed his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands; his fingers tangling in his hair as his entire body shook. Logan reached back and attempted to console him with a hand on his arm. James didn't reject the contact, but it didn't appear to do any good either.

Their life in Hollywood had become pivotal to all of them, but it was James' biggest dream, his only dream, and now he was brutally catapulted into a nightmare; having been set on a track to getting everything he ever wanted and then pushed off course so drastically that his muscles literally ached.

When he eventually looked up at his family, his hazel eyes were tinted red at the edges and coated in a glossy film as he fought not to cry. The Christmas lights on the tree across the room were generating multiple colors on him, creating a dismal glow over his paling face as he begged for a solution from any of them.

"What the fuck are we gonna do?"

* * *

**A/N: If you guys looked on my tumblr, you might have seen the warning for a "cliffhanger", but I still feel bad for doing it lol Expect some angst next chapter (but resolution too :)**

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this chapter :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I appreciate any feedback and I love meeting fellow readers/fans of BTR. Don't be shy :) Also, if you leave a signed review but don't have private messaging enabled, then I unfortunately can't respond to the review, but I APPRECIATE them all :)**

**As always, I'll see you all next Saturday :)**


	48. Big Time Risk And Reward

**A/N: Another LONG chapter (even longer than the last lol) with a heavy dose of angst ;) And I'm sorry this is being posted a few hours later than usual, but the longer length meant a longer time proofreading and editing :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

*****Also, there are themes and ideas and dialogue resembling those of Big Time Rush's episode "Big Time Concert". Obviously those do not belong to me, but rather served as my inspiration, and I have taken my own PTS spin on things :)**

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 48: BIG TIME RISK AND REWARD_

* * *

There were no cars on the street as the depressed family of five walked through one of the main roads in the center of Sherwood, most of the town having slept in because of the previous day's festivities. Traveling the familiar pathways was something the boys had done so many times, but never just before sunrise the day after Christmas, and never with Sage by their side. Having her in their line wasn't all that they hoped it would be, though, because the circumstances and the mood weren't ideal, but the majority of them were trying to keep an upbeat attitude as they showed her around.

"That hill, up there…" Carlos leaned against Sage and pointed into the distance. His finger directed her eyes to a large area of pure white, untouched snow beyond the park they were moving past. "That's where I broke my arm when I was eleven. We weren't used to sledding without our fourth man after Kendall ditched us," he reached out and poked at the beanie on top of Kendall's head, making his friend glare teasingly, "but I sorta winged it solo anyway. I think we all know by now how directionally challenged I am, and I clipped a tree… That's probably why my parents never let me get my own car…" Carlos' eyes narrowed in thought while Sage chuckled softly beside him and he rubbed absentmindedly at his once-broken arm.

"Most likely… but your motor skills have improved heaps since then," Logan grinned at him fondly, playfully shoving Carlos to test his balance.

He swayed slightly and stepped into a dirty pile of previously plowed snow at the edge of the road, but otherwise he remained standing. Carlos reached up for his helmet after the slip, just as an extra safety measure, only to realize that he had left it on the coffee table in the Knights' living room, but he just shrugged and kept strolling along with the group; figuring that nothing terrible could really happen to him after the hit they received the night before from Gustavo and Kelly. He couldn't have possibly attracted that much negative karma.

The five of them left Kendall's house early in the morning. No one was able to sleep after receiving Griffin's news from their somber producer and his assistant. They just quietly watched whatever was on the television while the multicolored lights of the Christmas tree mocked them with holiday cheer when they felt like the ground had just been scooped out from beneath them; grabbing onto each other in one cohesive pile on the couch to remain stable.

No one spoke then. James had deteriorated quickly after none of them could give him an answer as to what they were supposed to do. There was no right answer to give. So, James stayed practically motionless once he wiped the tears from his eyes and settled back into the sofa beside Sage with his legs tucked towards his quivering and hollow chest. It was like he was grieving for what he had lost, for what had been smashed into bits in the blink of an eye; his family, his rising stardom, and the work he put into the majority of the last year of his life. He wasn't sure how to accurately think on his feet. Making risky rapid choices that led to mistakes were his forte, not actual deep thinking that was beneficial for him in the long run.

So he didn't think. He shut down. He wasn't anyone anymore.

It was a few hours before Kendall manned up and took the lead, the spot they desperately needed him to reside in, and broke the silence by suggesting that they get out of the house and into the fresh air to clear their heads just as the sun began to illuminate the outside world. They left Katie, Karen, and David a note, not saying much other than that they received bad news from L.A. and were having a "band meeting" and for them not to worry because they'd be back soon.

James didn't object. He just followed obediently, changing his clothes when Logan dug them out of his bag and pushed them into his arms before directing him to the bathroom. He put his boots on when Kendall dropped them near his feet, and he let Carlos help him shrug into his jacket while Sage wrapped a scarf around his neck. They were taking care of him and treating him like a child, and normally he'd resist that type of behavior, but he accepted it without argument because he felt like he needed to be held up and guided when he was so numb. He figured anything they did for him was better than what he could do for himself.

"The high school's just up the road. We can show Sage the mural…" Kendall proposed softly as he jerked his head forward and wrapped an arm snugly around his girlfriend to battle the cold surrounding them that probably had more to do with their mood and less with the weather. He still smiled, however; easily remembering the day that Carlos had painted their four figures on the building's wall.

"You think it's still there?" Logan brightened a bit and laughed lowly as he stuffed his hands into his pockets to dig out his gloves. "I had freakin' nightmares about getting detention for that, but these three insisted it was a brilliant idea," he smirked at Sage and pointed to the others, Kendall beside him and Carlos a few steps ahead of them. They had to look back to see James, though. He always stayed a couple of feet behind.

Logan was hoping to get a rise out of the sullen looking boy. After what he said, he was anticipating a "Logie, all the ideas I'm involved in are brilliant" or "Loges, you need to take the stick out of your ass."

There was only a deafening silence cut by a strong breeze echoing in their ears that had Logan wiggling his fingers into his gloves even faster. He sighed heavily, a puff of condensation clouding in front of his face. Sage reached out to squeeze his now-gloved hand, and Kendall slipped his arm from around her for just a moment to pat his shoulder. Carlos took it upon himself to add an extra hop to his step as if it could get the whole group to do it too, which worked for the most part. Sage, Kendall, and Logan laughed as he slid on the snow and sleet with his worn sneakers; years of hockey and his basic flair for adventure in the climate helping him stay swift and upright at the same time. Despite the boy's antics, James didn't appear amused. In fact, he hardly appeared to notice anything at all. He kept his gaze on the ground beneath his feet and occasionally looked up to glance around as if he didn't remember where he was or like he had expected to be somewhere else every time he assessed his surroundings.

Surprisingly to Logan, the mural in the alley at the side of the large school building wasn't scrubbed clean. The principal, who was undoubtedly alerted to its presence eventually, had probably been pushed into keeping it after the boys depicted were all over the local and national news for days on end because the quartet was selected by "the" Gustavo Rocque. The image was weatherworn, having been painted over a year earlier, but the colors were still relatively bold and strong. It seemed to tower above the group as they stood in front of it; situated high up on the wall. Carlos kicked the crates sitting on the ground below it to test their durability, wondering if they could possibly be the same ones he used long ago, and climbed up onto them. Logan and Kendall hurried to get behind him when they remembered he wasn't wearing his helmet, but he remained on his feet and merely brushed away some of the snow on the picture of his own face that had landed there from the powerful winds blowing through the small crevice the alleyway created.

James just sat on the ground across from them all and pushed his back against the wall.

"It's… It's amazing, Carlos," Sage smiled in awe as she complimented him, causing him to grow a bit bashful at her words, but then they both fought not to frown.

His art was something he never stopped, except for a small detour with Arielle, and it had only been aided by the upbeat vibe of Los Angeles. He sketched daily, and, despite his stubborn producer's yelling and negative comments at the beginning, he even presented a few ideas to Gustavo for the cover art of their album and possible images for merchandise. They were actually accepted by the eager marketing team, but they wouldn't ever see the light of day now. Big Time Rush was just three words, not a band, not a group; nothing but a memory that they were unwillingly being forced to part with.

"I should add you to it," Carlos grinned mischievously at Sage and tried to improve the atmosphere again.

"I'm not sure I go with the hockey theme, Car," she chuckled and crossed her arms as she scanned over the painting of the four boys dressed in their sport's gear.

"But you go with us…" Carlos argued meekly.

They all grew sad and quiet again as they thought of what the future held. They had been living together as a family, but now they wouldn't be anymore. What they meticulously structured, the dynamic they developed within their group of five, was deteriorating without their consent; their shelter was stolen away. It felt as if they were floating in limbo with no direction and waiting to sink right along with James, who already appeared to be stuck in the mud at the bottom of an imaginary, muddled swamp.

"No more painting on property that isn't ours. I don't want to see your dad haul you in for vandalism," Logan weakly teased him, his heart not being in it when all of them felt so down.

"Please, he'd only get community service," Kendall went along with the banter, recalling the similar discussion they had on the day the mural was created, but his voice was not as playful as he wanted it to sound. It came out as more of a hoarse declaration as he held Sage close and surveyed the painting again, thinking that they had come so far since then but somehow ended up right back where they were; in a world of uncertainty.

"Come on, it'd be worth it!" Carlos retorted with forced vigor. "James has my back… Right, man?" he looked to his friend on the opposite wall and jumped down from the crates. He wasn't sure why he was thinking that James would respond, like he was actually listening even though he wasn't really present for the last few hours, but Carlos was always the hopeful one.

His hopes were squashed, though, because James didn't utter a single syllable; just kicked a piece of used paper away from his feet where he sat along the wall and stared at the ground.

"The silence is getting old, James," Kendall sighed and pleaded with his jade colored eyes boring a hole into the boy, begging him to do anything but the complete nothingness he was giving them now. Hearing Kendall acknowledge him directly got a small reaction from James. He brought his attention upward onto the four people in front of him while he slowly pulled himself into a standing position. His bottom lip was red as he chewed on it, making it seem almost as if he was going to speak but he fought the urge to do so.

"Are you ever gonna say something, Jamie?" Carlos inquired delicately, inching forward so that he stood in a straight line with the others as they faced him.

"You need to talk about what's going on in your head," Logan told James carefully while Sage just studied him.

They had been having private conversations for almost a month since she agreed to help James figure himself out, but she had never seen him so shut off. She didn't know what she should have anticipated from him, but she definitely wasn't expecting the amount of fury that was about to pour out of his mouth.

"What am I supposed to say? That things are gonna be okay? That I'm happy?" James laughed darkly and stared at the sky for a brief second before bringing his eyes back onto his friends. "They aren't, and I'm not!" he tugged at his scarf with a scowl. Everything felt wrong, even his expensive clothing.

"It _**will**_ be okay, James, because we're us. We can do it together. We'll move on," Kendall announced optimistically, and Sage, Logan, and Carlos all nodded by his side. James wasn't convinced, his glare returning with a fire that burned brighter than they had seen in a long while. Once he spoke up and opened the vault he had been keeping locked all night, there was no sealing it shut again.

"Move on? _**Move on?**_ We can't do that! We have to keep the band together! We have to go back to L.A. and change Griffin's mind! We're walking around town and acting like we're at our own fucking funerals," James' jaw clenched and he rubbed his palms along his heated but pale face.

"You heard Gustavo. He tried for us, but it didn't work… It's over…" Logan gloomily reminded him, his brown eyes unable to meet James'.

"Shut up, Logan," James spat with venom and no hesitation, making all four of them jump. It took a few minutes for her to fully figure it out, but Sage knew that James was taking a speedy, downward spiral and not even looking for an exit. He couldn't be stopped by himself or the others.

"Don't be an ass just because he's telling the truth," Carlos interjected, playing the role of peacemaker like a pro whether he was being heard or not. "Big Time Rush is gone, James. We can't change that, but we can still figure out how to be happy. We've gotta pick ourselves up and dust each other off, and then we-"

"No, no, no…" James refused to listen, and he actually raised his hands up as if he was going to cover his ears, but then they found a place in the back of his hair so that he could tug on it while his forearms encased his head.

"It's alright, James... It'll be okay," Sage spoke like she would when she was talking him out of a crisis, and it tended to work more often than not, but now he couldn't be reached. He avoided her adamantly, swinging his whole body away from her when she tried to gently touch his arm.

"Stop saying that! Stop lying!" he yelled at her without remorse, panic and distress evident in his entire demeanor. Sage's eyes squeezed shut as she released a calming breath, and Kendall stepped in when Logan opened his mouth to make what looked to be a snappy remark; his usual go-to attitude when James got amped up and he was left with nothing else to respond with.

"Everyone listen up, and please calm the fuck down," Kendall held his hands up and stared at James in particular, who was shaking and had wild eyes but remained quiet as ordered by their appointed leader. "We can do this as a team. We're a family, and that means everything will be fine if we stick together. We'll make new plans and figure the future out… Logie can go to med school…" he suggested with a weak smile, looking to Logan for confirmation.

The boy nodded to be positive, but he looked frightened by the idea at the same time. He wasn't so sure that medical school was what he wanted anymore, even as his backup plan. That was probably because he had found what he really wanted in Hollywood. Minnesota was where he grew up, and he'd always love it just like he'd always love his mother, but California had expanded his personality and made him grow into someone less alone and introverted, and that had just happened in a matter of months; making him wonder who he could be and what he could have explored if he had gotten to stay there indefinitely like he wanted to. Los Angeles was where he belonged. He wanted to share a bedroom with the annoyingly sloppy but loveable Carlos, fight over the remote with James, question the rationality in every one of Kendall's risky maneuvers, and find a sense of peace and camaraderie in Sage; feeling like she needed him while he spent every day thanking anyone who was listening for her arrival into his life.

But 2J wasn't going to be theirs anymore, and he had to learn to deal with that.

"Sage can get her GED. Maybe Carlos and I will go to school too…" Kendall continued, bravely talking enthusiastically even though not a single one of them felt that cheerful.

It was like the boys were right back to where they had started when Gustavo Rocque stormed into town on his talent search. Kendall and Carlos' futures were ambiguous now, right along with Sage's. It was assumed that Logan would be redirecting himself on the track to medical school, even though that was something he had been evading due to his indecision, and James was a bit of an enigma. His specific plans were up in the air, but they all sort of gathered, based on past discussions and his ambitions before the band even formed, that James would be going back to Los Angeles. However, the fact that he would be alone was unsettling to his family after how they had witnessed him behave in the recent months. A year ago, James was going to go to L.A. alone anyway, but so much had changed since that initial dream; he changed, they changed as a group, and Sage was there with them now. Life wasn't what he planned for and he wasn't who he planned for himself to be because things weren't as easy as just making a decision and sticking to it. Uncontrollable variables got in the way.

"Maybe I'll become a cop like my dad… as long as Sage can get used to the uniform," Carlos grinned and looked to his sister, who offered a smile of her own. He loved his art, but he had to think practically for a while after a creative opportunity had just slipped through his fingers.

"For you? Of course," she let Carlos gather her into a hug on the side of her that Kendall didn't occupy, accepting the extra warmth in the too-frigid air of the small alley they were packed into.

"That's sweet, really…" James scoffed and rolled his eyes.

He had a particular smile that set the group on edge; the malevolent one that shot shivers along each of their spines because it never led to anything good between them. Sage was staring at him heatedly, trying to catch his eyes to have a practiced, silent conversation that would clearly say "Stop it. Enough", but James refused to look at her; going out of his way to keep his focus off of the girl as he continued his bitter speech.

"But, pray tell, Kendall Knight, what are your magical plans for _**me**_? Tell me what _**I'm**_ supposed to do…" James hit his hands against his own chest for emphasis, making a dull thump echo through the space between them as his palms collided with his sternum.

"I-I… James… I don't know what you want me to-" Kendall started, fumbling indecisively, but it turned out that James wasn't really looking for an answer.

"I had my plans, Kendall! I had them, and now they're gone!" James screamed and gestured to the area around them, as if to say the town exhibited his problem in a nutshell; cold weather and quiet surroundings a far cry from the bustling, warm streets of Southern California. Kendall pressed his lips together to calm himself down, James' yelling irritating him, but he also realized that it was warranted after the news they had gotten the night before.

"Don't sit around here feeling depressed. Do something about it… We have to move on. There's no other choice… I'm sorry…" Kendall sounded sad but unbreakably firm. He was doing his best to be strong for all of them.

"You're really not gonna fix this?" James deflated a bit, showing a dash of vulnerability amongst his anger as he stared at Logan and then Carlos; the second and third in command according to his way of life. He received negative shakes of both of their heads while they let Kendall continue talking.

"There's nothing for me to do but help us all move-"

"Move on! Fuck, I know!" James groaned and spun through the snow on his heels.

"Where are you going?" Logan shouted, watching the boy make shockingly quick time on his long legs as he rushed off.

"Away!" James answered simply and loudly, not turning back to look at his family.

"Should we go after him?" Sage suggested and looked at each of the others as Kendall put his arm around her waist again, his muscles stiff with tension.

"No, he needs space… You know it's bad when he literally runs away. It's better to let him breathe for a while," Carlos sighed and took one last look at the mural before he slowly led them out of the alley to see James hurrying off of the school property in the distance and disappearing from their view.

* * *

"Don't let him get the puck back, Kendall!" Carlos shouted from where he resided in the goal, skates planted as firmly as possible and his hockey stick hitting the ice beneath him. Kendall nodded with a smirk as Logan skated harder to chase after him, which was working out because he was hot on the boy's heels as Kendall cockily moved his way around the rink in a full circle without even making an attempt to go for the goal Carlos was blocking.

"Why the fuck are you cheering for _**him**_?" Logan whined and shot a glare the goalie's way but didn't miss a beat in his pursuit of Kendall and the puck he had lost possession of.

"Because he's winning!" Carlos giggled and shrugged his unpadded shoulders. The only gear any of them wore were their helmets and skates; not planning on an intense or dangerous game of any sorts, just a little fun and harmless roughhousing.

"Oh, well, _**thanks**_," Logan rolled his eyes, and Carlos could have sworn that he saw it from all the way across the rink, or maybe he was just used to the reaction by now. Kendall yelped when Logan got so close that he could feel him hovering behind him along with the extra gust of air his speed caused as they reached the part of the rink that was exactly opposite from Carlos' goal.

"Stop fucking around and hang in there, man! He's smaller! You can take him!" Carlos shouted to support Kendall further, only egged on by the fact that his cheering annoyed Logan, who got inspired by all of the negativity coming his way.

Donning a triumphant smirk when he saw his opening, Logan took one step bigger than his others and slipped his hockey stick in front of Kendall's feet at just the right time to knock the puck to the boy's left, his weaker side, and take control of it; scampering off with a nervous chuckle of disbelief when he effectively hurried away from his ex-captain with the small disk.

"Ha!" Logan smugly titled his head and raised an eyebrow at Carlos as he rushed towards the net to score his first goal, his opponent already having gotten two of his own.

Kendall squinted in aggravation but his smile didn't fade as he struggled to chase after Logan without much success. The boy was swift and skilled at dodging when he needed to be after years of practice on the ice, only aided by his tendency to run away when he'd get picked on as a kid. Also, the recent months of dance training had increased all of their endurance levels. It felt good to put their energy into their favorite sport.

They still wished they were back in the studio, though, and even the familiar smooth ice grinding beneath their skates couldn't make everything okay like it used to. It did the trick for a while, but it felt like a temporary fix, and the lack of James made every good sensation that much more fleeting.

Once he stormed away from them after Christmas, James hadn't seen or spoken to any of them for several days. He was actively avoiding them, ignoring calls to his phone and getting Sandra and Chris to cover for him or decline the group access at the door if they showed up. It turned out that his required "space to breathe" was an indefinite amount of time that made Kendall, Logan, Sage, and Carlos nervous but unable to do anything about it. With the help of his parents, who were undoubtedly supportive when they saw the condition their son was in, James had become unreachable unless he wanted to be reached, no matter how hard any of them tried or begged.

The family was doing something together almost every hour of each day because they couldn't seem to function without one another. They ate meals as a group, they slept at each other's houses, and Sage tagged along when they played hockey merely to watch; all activities that they wanted James to join in on but he didn't do once. But they never stopped trying for five days straight. Every time they went somewhere, or even woke up, they'd send James a text or attempt to call; knowing that the outcome would be fruitless but doing it anyway so the isolated boy would know that he wasn't alone and that they were worried.

"I'm tired of playing," Kendall announced dramatically once Logan had made his shot and successfully by-passed Carlos, causing the puck to fly into the back of the net with a soft sound.

"What's the matter, Knight? Can't stand the heat?" Carlos taunted him as he pulled the puck from the net and slid it back out into the rink where Logan was heading to take his position.

"Shut it, Car! You were routing for him two seconds ago!" he laughed at his friend, watching Carlos roll his eyes in annoyance before he waved his hands for them to get on with the next faceoff. "Let's just hurry up and let Kendall beat me so we can eat. It's way past dinnertime, and I'm starving," Logan continued as he skated to the center of the ice with Kendall.

"Can we get burgers?" Carlos screamed excitedly and stared up at Sage in the stands for agreement. He refused to look back to Kendall and Logan until she gave him a thumbs-up.

She smiled at their antics from her place in the empty bleachers. There wasn't a single soul in the rink except for their foursome and the employees. Most of Sherwood was preparing to celebrate the New Year, undoubtedly gathering party supplies to bring in the start of the next 365 days of their lives with hopes for the future and new goals. This group, though, was still trying to figure out what all of that meant now. They were right in the middle of fulfilling their hopes and completing their goals when they got snatched away, and even though James was coping in the least healthy manner when compared to the others, Sage was concerned for them all.

Logan was working hard to try not to be sad about Camille, who Sage had to basically lie to throughout the week because she promised not to say anything about their recent news before Logan could when they went back to California to pack and tie up loose ends. He was set on breaking up with her due to their new, unfortunate circumstances, but he was adamant about not doing it over the phone, so he pretended like he was fine and happy even though there was a substantial weight on his shoulders that he had to hold onto for a few more days.

Carlos was the shining light that he always was, but there were short moments where he would look lost or grow quiet as he stared off into space. In those seconds, it was as if he forgot his purpose and was struggling to figure out what he was doing and why he was really doing it; lacking direction now that his life was thrown off balance. However, he was proficient at finding happiness as soon as it would leave; searching for it with his family and friends. Eduardo and Adriana helped too, giving him advice and taking him right back under their roof while he entered this uncomfortable transitional period.

Kendall was almost too high-spirited lately for Sage's liking. He smiled too often for it to be real, and he dove into spending time with the guys, Sage, Katie, Karen, and David, which was good, but it was like he was avoiding the bigger issues and replacing them with menial tasks such as winning a small hockey match against Logan or deciding what to have for dinner. They were all forced into such a monumental change and it was like Kendall hadn't even blinked. Sage knew that wasn't who he was. Kendall was the type of person who reacted and fought, but he was holding it in. Sage let him be for now, not wanting to push him too soon.

"Still no James?" Kendall got off of the ice and sat on the row of bleachers below Sage at the bottom, Logan and Carlos following after him once Kendall scored his third and final goal for the night. Holding her phone tightly, Sage shook her head.

"Nope…" she stared at the screen as she stood up and stepped down to the boys' level, hearing the faint tone of her phone dialing James' number and it switching over to his voicemail. That was the norm lately; one of them took turns calling their absent friend again and again, usually stopping at thirty ignored calls before they took a break.

"He'll come around. He always does," Logan sat beside her and knocked his shoulder comfortingly with hers.

"But he looked so…" Carlos searched for the right word, his eyes slipping into a squint as he plopped down onto the floor in front of them to unlace his skates.

"Livid?" Kendall offered tiredly. He took off his helmet and shook out his sweaty blonde locks.

"Even worse," Carlos' face twisted in sadness and distress while he yanked his skates off of his feet and shoved them into a bag on the floor beside him. "I've never seen him that upset."

"Logan's right, though. James will figure out what he wants to do, and we'll support him," Kendall chimed in without hesitation and threw Carlos the sneakers he had left on the bleachers earlier. "Everything's fine… We're fine…" he added cheerfully.

They all looked at him as if he were crazy when he delivered the same mantra he had been pushing for the past several days, repeating it like they hadn't heard it the first ten times, but none of them had the heart, strength, or desire to argue. They had nothing better to do than listen to him and try to believe what he was saying. For Carlos and Logan, it was way more beneficial seeing him freakily optimistic rather than scarily depressed. They had seen him there before, and they knew it would amount to nothing good. They figured that he was resisting the doom and gloom because he had them and Sage, his strongly formed family. The only thing missing was James.

"Carlitos, did you talk to your dad about school?" Kendall changed the subject when he felt their eyes on him and a silence he hated took over, keeping his smile lively enough for them all.

"Yeah, he said I could go... I'd start getting my Criminal Justice degree from the community college at the end of January…" Carlos didn't sound all that enthusiastic. He loved helping people, and he loved the idea of improving peoples' lives, but he had imagined that his future would have held something more creative; like being in a band and working on his art. Given the timing and lack of other solid plans, those weren't options anymore now. He had to do something mature and logical no matter how much it saddened him.

"Good…" Kendall tried for a stronger smile, but it came out as more of a pained expression.

Everything felt wrong. None of them wanted to discuss different, individual plans, and none of them wanted to have the need for such things. They wanted what they had several days earlier. They wanted their apartment at the Palm Woods. They wanted to live together and be a family again, not to talk about separating and moving onto different tracks in life when they had already been happily sharing one as a quintet.

"I'll go there too and study… something…" Kendall rolled his shoulders as if it could force the tension out only to realize that the new stress in them was probably permanent, "and I'll try to get my job back at the store to help pay for classes since we're not gonna be making the big bucks anymore," he grinned awkwardly, and they all glanced away from each other briefly, like they didn't want to witness the looks of loss and depression on one another's faces. It was a few agonizing seconds before Kendall cleared his throat and began putting his own sneakers on his feet after passing Logan's to him. "Did you find any pre-med programs that you like, Logie?"

Logan almost dropped one of his shoes when he was roped into being part of the uncomfortable optimism, but then he remembered that it was what was best for them all and he painted his own smile on.

"Not yet… but I'm looking for somewhere as close as possible."

He used to think that, if he was going to go to medical school at all, he needed to go to the best of the best, which wouldn't be a problem given his academic history, but now, for him, family came first and school came second. He couldn't be far away from them. He wanted to be closer to them more than he wanted to become a doctor. If you would have told him that that was going to be his mindset two years ago, he would have called you insane, but things changed. Everything was different, and the priorities he had for himself and for others became clearer.

Sage just sat and listened to them talk while she fiddled with the freshly knotted bracelets on her wrist, courtesy of Katie. Just like the old ones, they were pink, black, and green; Kendall and the littlest Knight wearing matching ones on their own arms. It only aided in the couple's thoughts of being back at the beginning, of starting almost completely over like Los Angeles had never happened. Sage wasn't sure what she was supposed to do with her own life now that her progress had been hindered, but at least she wasn't by herself. None of them were really happy, but they weren't completely alone either.

If only that was all that mattered.

"I wonder what James is planning on doing…" she sighed and tapped her thumbnail against the screen of her phone, showing her twentieth call to him disconnect again when he never answered.

"You mean other than drowning his sorrows in ice cream and fashion magazines?" Logan grinned, feeling like jokes would be the best way to heal the unsettling tension that seemed to never ebb away from them lately.

"I wish he'd at least talk to us. He could be dead and we wouldn't even know it," Kendall huffed loudly as he finished tying his shoes and stuffing as much of their equipment as he could into their bag.

"He can't avoid us forever… Here, let me try calling Chris again," Carlos reached out for Sage's phone and took it tentatively from her anxiety-cramped fingers before dialing the number he had memorized for James' father. He thought he might have a good chance for the man to answer it this time since it would be a number he didn't recognize and, once he was on the phone, Chris would probably have difficulty hanging up on "his favorite of James' friends" without letting Carlos plead his case.

The call was picked up after only a few seconds.

"Hey, Chris! It's Carlos again. I know that James doesn't want to talk to anyone, but could you _**please**_ make him-" Carlos held the phone to his ear tightly as his friends watched his eager face morph into one of confusion while he listened to Chris. "Wait, what?" he glanced up quickly before staring at the floor beneath him.

It was a few more words from Chris that made his eyes widen wildly and his mouth hang open in shock.

"He's _**where**_?"

* * *

"_The guys are going to the rink later tonight. Will you come? –S"_

James stared at the message he just received from Sage with a conflicted countenance before closing the text and tossing his phone onto the bed beside him. His body was thrown across it at an odd angle, his head near the bottom corner and feet almost knocking into the nightstand at the top when he swung his legs in agitation. The phone rang again a few seconds later, playing BTR's song, "Halfway There", and signaling that Sage was calling him after getting no response. She and the others just didn't know when to call it quits. James was a little grateful and a bit more annoyed. He sat up, grabbing his phone into the palm of his hand, and shoved the device under his pillow before kicking the fluffy cushion with his feet for good measure. It only drowned out the sound of the ringtone slightly, and it wasn't all that logical or effective, but he felt like it took away some of his frustration regardless.

He picked up the laptop he had left on the floor when his cell rang and sat it on his stomach as he laid back down with his head at the foot of the bed. He had multiple, torturous windows open; all from the Los Angeles area papers.

"_Arthur Griffin Shuts Down Big Time Rush" _

"_The 'Next Great Boy Band' Goes Bye Bye Bye" _

"_Did CEO Griffin Make a Big Time Mistake?"_

"Yes, he made a fucking mistake!" James yelled at the computer and slammed it shut, resisting the urge to throw it back to the ground and gingerly placing it on the carpet beside the bed instead. After all, it was Sandra's laptop, not his, and it wasn't like he had the money to buy her a new one. He already felt like he owed her for letting him hide back in his old room at her house even though he was her son and she gladly welcomed him. He wanted to be independent again. He wanted to go back to his own home in California.

He had been moping for days; moving through stages of anger and depression fast enough to give Sandra whiplash as she watched her child crumble. They had talked while he was in L.A., just like they promised, and she had actually thought he was getting better and figuring himself out, but now he just seemed as lost as she always assumed he was. For several days straight, he hid in his room and wondered what he had done to deserve this. He kept telling himself that he had been doing good, working with Sage and making positive changes. He was actually excited about focusing on the band and his family rather than just himself, but then Griffin brought the hammer down, and he had no clue what the right thing to do was anymore.

"James, sweetie, you're still not dressed," Sandra appeared, slumping her shoulders as she leaned on the doorframe and stared at the boy on the bed.

It was a little past noon and he was wearing sweatpants and a wife-beater. His hair wasn't combed, and she was fairly certain that he hadn't showered in a while either; not leaving his room unless it was absolutely necessary. Hearing him merely grunt as a response, she wasn't sure why she really expected him to be up and vibrant in the first place.

"What's the point? I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying here forever…" James groaned dramatically, and he took a more calming breath when the ringing phone beneath his pillow fell silent. It was easier for him to think and feel when he didn't have to worry about the others too.

"No, you're not," Sandra chuckled and smiled at him fondly. "You're gonna be upset for a while, but then you'll stand up and brush yourself off. It's what you always do. You're annoyingly resilient sometimes. I should know; I raised your stubborn ass," she lifted one of her dark brows when James glared at her.

"Insulting me is not helping, Mom," he growled and flipped over onto his stomach so that he could childishly bury his face in the sheets beneath him.

"Yeah, well, neither is babying you. I've been serving you all your meals and turning your friends away at the door for days, and nothing's changed. I can't keep it up forever, especially not with Sage… She is way too nice of a girl for me to be mean to…" Sandra walked into the room and shoved James so she could sit beside him. He whined but didn't fight the movement, rolling back onto his side to face his mother.

"I know… It's hard to ignore her…" James nodded in agreement as he thought about Sage, knowing that she really wanted him to talk to her so she could help him in the way he desperately needed right now. He decided to push away the option, blowing a heavy breath up towards his bangs and cringing when he felt the compulsion to wash the dirty locks, but then that was quickly overpowered with the desire to sulk. His head hit the mattress again with a thump.

"Do you wanna go see your friends, honey? You can get dressed and I'll drive you anywhere you want…" Sandra offered hopefully and pushed his stringy hair away from his eyes.

"Thanks, but no."

He kept his answer simple even though it was actually anything but. He loved his best friends, his family, but he didn't want to see them. The idea of sitting around and listening to them "move on" made him nauseous and nervous because he couldn't do that like the others, and he was confident that he wouldn't have nice things to say if he opened his mouth in front of them. Like in the alley several days earlier, he felt infuriated and frustrated. It seemed that there was no moving on for him.

"Well, what are you going to do?" Sandra wondered, pulling her hand away when James shrugged and sat up on the bed.

His phone was ringing again, but the tone was generic; telling him that it was a number he hadn't programed. He stared at the pillow by his feet with curious and cautious eyes before Sandra laughed and grabbed the phone beneath it for him and shoved it into his chest.

"Answer it. I don't care who it is, but you can't keep ignoring calls and texts. I'm not gonna pay for your phone service if you're just gonna stare at the thing like it's a deadly weapon," she pointed at it strictly and narrowed her eyes in the stern way only she could pull off with him. It was just like her to push James whether he liked it or not. In the past, that had caused trouble between them as mother and son because of his rebellious nature against her, but now he knew that she did it out of love, and he was appreciative for the guidance even though the phone felt heavy in his sweaty palm and he wasn't sure what he was going to say if it was one of his family members calling from another number.

"Hello?" his voice shook when he answered and put the phone to his ear. He swallowed thickly as Sandra looked on. "Yes, this is James Diamond…" he pressed his lips into a thin line that almost resembled a cordial smile for the stranger on the other line even though he couldn't see them face to face. "Whoa, really?" his eyes widened momentarily before he looked at his mother. Sandra was mouthing silent words for him to explain and inching closer, but he shooed her off and curled his body away so he could listen better. "And you want all of-" James' almost-smile fell into a contemplative frown, and his hazel eyes lost a bit of life as he continued the mostly one-sided conversation. "Just me…" he murmured so softly that Sandra almost didn't hear him.

"Come on… 'Just you' what?" she whispered rapidly, not liking the serious expression on her son's face, but he didn't respond to her.

"Can I call you back in a little while?" James began nervously picking at the hem on the leg of his pants. "Thank you, sir… I'll talk to you soon…"

"What's going on?" Sandra raised her voice once the call ended and James slipped his phone back under his pillow slowly as if to hide it.

"I just got offered a job… Hawk Records heard about what happened to BTR, and the producer there wants me to do some solo demos with him… He said he could make me a star and show everyone what an idiot Griffin is… He wants me on a flight out there tonight so we can get started right away," James chuckled shortly in disbelief and ran a hand through his hair while his face was stripped of his pleasantly surprised demeanor as it morphed into shock and confusion.

"That's great!" Sandra went to hug him, but he didn't return the embrace. "Isn't it?" she questioned skeptically and pulled back to look him in the eye.

"Sure!" James answered too hurriedly and appeared to be alarmed at the volume of his own voice before he settled down again. "I mean, this is a good thing… I needed a second chance, and here it is… but I wouldn't have Sage and the guys with me. That's… different…"

He wanted to say "scary", but he wasn't exactly sure why the idea of being alone was alarming; unsure if it was because he feared it or because he didn't quite fear it as much as he should have.

"But you can do it, Jamie. It's a great opportunity to do something you love," Sandra argued gently and smiled at him.

"The last time we discussed me going to California you were against it…" James reminded her with a roll of his eyes.

"Things changed, though. I can see how much you want your dream, how much you need it. You won't be happy if you stay here like this," she gestured to his unkempt figure and the cluttered room around them, and he reluctantly nodded.

He remembered the conversation he and Sandra had in this very room nearly a year earlier. She had been terrified about him running off to Los Angeles, but she was right; things did change. He was altered, whether that was a good or bad thing he wasn't quite sure, and he couldn't go back to being the stifled boy in Sherwood. He had to get back to the west coast, and maybe he'd do things a bit differently this time. His first Hollywood experience wasn't how he imagined it would be. Sage coming in had redirected all of his game plans, ones that told him to "live the life" and be carefree while climbing the ladder of success. He would never take her presence away for anything in the world, but it turned out that he wasn't as prepared to handle her entrance as much as he had assumed he was. Helping her made him realize that he needed to help himself too, and his own unique way of dealing with those types of emotional issues made him hop on a track of dangerous de-stressing activities that turned into even bigger problems. He needed to solve those now because he wasn't who he dreamed he would be. He had let himself down.

This job offer from Hawk was the perfect way for him to start over, to wipe his slate clean and separate the pieces of his life that had catapulted him into catastrophic mistakes. If he couldn't handle everything at once, then he was going to choose.

"You're right, Mom. I need to go back and focus on my career," James donned a fierce look of determination that startled Sandra into sitting back a bit as he leapt off of his bed and began digging through his bags for a change of clothes with a smile on his face while he mumbled to himself. "And I'm not gonna let anything get in my way this time."

* * *

Kendall leaned on his desk and looked out of the window above it, watching a hefty breeze blow some freshly fallen snow around the already high piles in the backyard lit up by the light on the roof as he stood in the motionless bedroom. He wanted to call it his and Sage's bedroom, but it felt inaccurate. Their room was back in 2J. This one, in the Knights' house, felt like a box; with four walls and a bed in it. There was a time, when he first moved away from Ramsey and was left without Sage, that he considered this room to be his torture chamber. It was where he had all of his nightmares about his soul mate bleeding or dying without help, where he'd hear her screams echo in his head until he scared himself awake and stared off into space before the sun rose and he could get out.

She was with him now, just down the hall with Katie before the girl had to go to sleep for school the next day, but he still despised the room for all new reasons. It wasn't where they were supposed to be. They should have been in 2J, in the bedroom they made theirs together through months of companionship and therapy; with Logan and Carlos fumbling around and fighting for the bathroom above their heads and James whistling a soft tune down the hall as he settled in for the night. Kendall cherished his mother, his sister, and even David now, every day, but he had been building his own life, and then it was just stolen away like he never really had it to begin with.

Pushing himself off of the desk and away from the window, Kendall strolled lazily over to the bed and plopped down onto it at the top; anchoring his back against the headboard after shoving the pillows to the floor to make room. His green eyes scanned the area now that he had a full view, trying to transform it into their space at the Palm Woods; trying to make a bathroom door appear to his right and move the desk to the other side of the room and make the windows nonexistent. It worked for a blissful second, but then he was back in Sherwood feeling empty; feeling like only half of what he was.

In his depressed state of mind, when he lifted his hand up to touch the bedpost beside him, he almost expected Sage's necklace to be hanging from it; like the last ten months of his life hadn't actually occurred and it was just a dream he was forced to wake up from. The jewelry wasn't there, however, because it was rightfully on his girlfriend's neck, which was a good thing, but it also meant that this was really happening. He really did lose something special, and that was hard to cope with after dedicating so much of his time to what he had in L.A.

"Everyone's asleep… and Katie told me to say goodbye to you again for her," Sage stepped in through the open doorway with a soft smile at Kendall. He had the back of his skull resting against the section of wall just above the headboard as he stared at the ceiling and then down to her. He returned the smile despite his mood, never able to feel bad around Sage. He nodded at what she said, thinking about his baby sister and the flight he and Sage had to catch early in the morning with Carlos and Logan.

The next day was when they would be heading back to Hollywood to pack up their things in the apartment and see James one more time, which had become a personal goal for each of them since Carlos had gotten the news a few days ago from Chris that their best friend hopped on a plane after getting a job opportunity from Gustavo's competing record company, Hawk Records. They didn't fault him for taking the offer, knowing that it was his dream to be a star, but none of them appreciated that he had run off without a single word, and he still refused to take their calls or answer their texts even after he was gone. They wanted to be optimistic and say he was just busy, but they knew better.

Katie's use of "goodbye", like it was so final, had Kendall almost feeling the need to laugh. For some unknown reason, she seemed to think that, once they left for L.A. in the morning, Sage and Kendall wouldn't be coming back again. It didn't make sense to them, but she had scary intuition sometimes, and she always knew more than they gave her credit for. It was like she predicted that Kendall and Sage didn't belong there, in the Knights' house, anymore. They belonged somewhere on their own once they had figured out who they were as individuals and as a couple. They, along with Carlos, James, and Logan, were meant for something bigger. That monumental thing was definitely not going to happen in Sherwood, Minnesota, and Katie wasn't afraid to stick to her guns about it even if her brother insisted she was nuts.

Sage didn't like Kendall's silence, especially after he had spent his days being the one leading conversations about their new plans and staying positive; all things she knew were an act in order for him to be the one to wear the brave face when the others were anxious. Being the hero was what Kendall always tried to do best, and sometimes it worked, but other times it hurt him in the end.

She moved to him and climbed up onto the bed, taking a second to smirk at the fact that the furniture no longer scared her like it used to. Honestly, she had her moments; embarrassing ones where she'd have an irrational fear because too many mental dots connected to create an image of the past, but she had improved greatly when everything was taken into account, and she owed it all to the boys. She and Kendall would be miles behind where they were now if they hadn't had their three saviors backing them up during their entire trek out of the darkness. It was a little disturbing to think about what they may become if they all remained separated now.

Shoving those thoughts away, Sage kept her immediate focus on Kendall as she crawled up the mattress when he wordlessly held his hand out to her so that she'd get as close as possible. She slunk into his lap, straddling his legs as their torsos remained upright with his back against the headboard and her chest pressed to his while she pushed her face into his neck and he wrapped his arms around her. She dug her hands behind his shoulders slowly to return the embrace. When his fingers gripped her hips tightly, he finally spoke; his voice vibrating in his throat against her cheek.

"I don't wanna stay here…."

Sage could feel him trembling, and his body tensed up beneath her, so she squeezed him more securely before leaning back to see him. Kendall's eyes were glossy while his lips pulled downward into a frown that would never suit him, and she knew he was done pretending he was fine now that reality had hit him; they were going to L.A. to get their stuff and say goodbye to James, leaving him too far behind. Sage's expression undoubtedly mirrored his, both of them tending to feel what the other felt without even trying.

"2J is our h-home. Why can't we just have one that we s-stick to?" The look on his face when he spoke, a look that reminded her of a lost and hurt child, made Sage's heart ache as he laid his forehead against it and took deep breaths while she rubbed the back of his neck with her fingertips.

Kendall had moved so many times in the last eight years of his life, and, since his childhood with the boys before Kevin died, he had never had something as stable and content as what he had in Los Angeles, and now he was being robbed of that stability again. He was involuntarily thrust into starting over while trying to hold on to pieces of what he had worked so hard to have. He was exhausted; tired of upheaval. He just wanted to be happy. He wanted to be back home in the Palm Woods with James, Carlos, and Logan.

"I'm sorry, baby…" Sage murmured gently as she kissed the top of his head before placing her palms on either side of his jaw and guiding him so that he would look at her. "I know it's hard, but we _**will **_be okay eventually. We always are," she offered him a weak smile that she couldn't put her all into, but she really tried her damnedest to make it appear believable. Kendall laughed softly at the effort, easily reading the uncertainty behind it, and she wiped at the tears that fell from his eyes.

"You sound like me now… We're both liars," he smirked humorlessly and turned his head slightly to kiss her thumb when it dropped down near his lips, tasting the salt from his tears on her skin.

"Fine, maybe it won't be okay. Maybe it's gonna suck, and not be as good as it was, but we have to _**try**_. We can't just shut down and be sad or numb… It'll only get us caught in a place that's worse than this…" she mumbled the last part, dropping her head back down so that her chin hit her chest and the pendant around her neck dug into her flesh in a painfully comforting way.

When Elliot took away everything she had known and grown comfortable with, and locked her in her room, it wasn't long before Sage had settled into a traumatized state of complacency that eventually led to her stepfather having more emotional power over her than she had even realized. Not being present, and wallowing in the sadness she was feeling, sent everything else around her spiraling out of control. She wouldn't let Kendall do that to himself now, not when he already darkly tangled with depression after leaving Ramsey. Either one of them getting back into such a mindset would just breed entirely too much undeserved sorrow.

"You're right, b-but…" Kendall exhaled a shaky breath that she felt in her body as well as his when he tilted his head back until it connected with the wall again, "… I _**wanted**_ the band to make it. I know that I act like making music isn't a big deal sometimes, but I love it. I love that it's what our family does… did…" he flinched at the correction he had to make and slipped his fingers beneath the fabric of her shirt near her lower back for the soothing warmth it gave him while she resettled onto his lap higher up so she could see him better when she looked him right in the eye in silent agreement. She had found her place in Rocque Records with the boys and Gustavo and Kelly, and now that was gone too. "We're all separating. It's hardly been a week and James left, Logan is gonna go to some school all by himself, and Carlos is going to hate sitting in classes every day…"

Sage simply nodded, faithfully just being there by his side as Kendall let out everything he had been keeping to himself in the last few days.

"We're not made to be apart… I thought that it was just me and you, but it's-"

"All of us… I know, sweetie… I know," Sage took a shuddering breath and fought back her own tears while Kendall let more of his fall in small drips down his cheeks as he stared absentmindedly at the heart around her neck and the scar beneath it.

It was often that she and Kendall thought about how destined they were for each other, about how they were created to go together, but, once it was threatened to be taken away, they realized that that idea of fate rang true for Logan, James, and Carlos also. They were supposed to be a family of five, living and learning together as they battled what life threw at them. They worked best as a unit, but now they were left floundering; wondering what they were supposed to do after being pried apart by something they had no control of.

No one said it, but they were sort of hoping that fate or coincidence would intervene on their behalf, like it had done before, and deliver a positive outcome. With no options, they had to wait for something to happen for them; wait for an opportunity to present itself so they could grab it as a family.

* * *

"That's all the clothes I have. I think I almost have more than James with all the shit Arielle bought me," Carlos dropped his third cardboard box full of clothing unceremoniously off of the balcony in 2J so that it landed with a heavy impact on the hardwood flooring beside the dining table below.

"At least the bitch did something helpful. You were running out of shirts with no stains," Kendall smirked up at his friend from his position at the fridge in the kitchen, where he was cleaning out the old food for the next tenants Bitters would be placing in the apartment. Their own one-year lease would be up in February, and the monthly rent, which would no longer be paid for them now that they were dropped from the RCM-CBT Globalnet Sanyoid family, was due at the end of the second week of January. It killed them that they couldn't pay it themselves. Even if they wanted to stay for nostalgic reasons and the lack of a better place to be, they couldn't afford it, not even if they all got jobs as soon as the plane touched down.

"Given her attitude, I would have thought that she was going to storm in here after you broke up with her and take scissors to everything she ever gave you," Logan chuckled and handed Sage another DVD off of the rack below their entertainment system in the living room so she could place it in a smaller box.

It didn't escape them how tragic it was that they were somehow finding fun in Arielle Prescott's once horrible memory. They'd miss everything about Hollywood at least a little bit, even the controlling and cruel model and the people like her, and, although they were planning to leave it, it also didn't go unnoticed that they were the most relaxed and entertained they had been all week now that they were back in the Palm Woods. Being there was bittersweet, heavy on the bitter and depressingly too light on the sweet.

"You still have her number, Car? Maybe she knows where James is hiding," Sage shrugged with a small grin when Carlos squinted at her in thought.

"If I remember correctly, I 'don't matter'…" Carlos leaned his elbows on the banister of the balcony and made air quotes with his fingers, reminiscing about the night he broke things off with Arielle and what she had yelled at him. "So, I doubt my phone call would either. Besides, I don't think she'd tell me anything I want to hear even if she did know where James was."

They had been back in Hollywood for several hours, and they hadn't seen or heard from their friend even though they knew he remembered that today was the day they were returning temporarily from Minnesota. He was still avoiding them for reasons unknown; sending a few text messages to let them know he wasn't dead and dodging them every time they said they wanted to meet up, and all of his belongings had already been removed from the apartment. The only things left were the bare minimum in his room; empty furniture and a few tiny holes in the wall where he had plastered posters to make the space personalized. The apartment was completely devoid of James Diamond's touch, and the deficiency was felt despite the fact that they were removing their own remaining stuff too.

A knock on the door had all four of them turning to it at once and then staring back at each other.

"You think it's him?" Carlos wondered excitedly and threw himself down the swirly slide. Kendall kicked the refrigerator shut and tossed the leftovers he had in his hands into the garbage while Logan walked to the door and Sage put their box of DVDs on the dining table.

When Logan pulled the door open, it wasn't James but another friendly face instead.

"Hi!" Camille jumped into her boyfriend's arms as soon as she saw him, kissing anywhere she could reach on the side of his face as he pulled her against him and turned their joined bodies around to see Carlos, Sage, and Kendall watching him with sympathy; all knowing that he had to do the thing he had been dreading for days. "I missed you," the actress finally released her grip on him and let her slightly raised feet touch the floor, smiling brightly at her boyfriend as he reached behind her to shut the door.

"I missed you too, Cam," Logan tried to smile back at her but found it difficult under the circumstances, especially since she seemed so excited to see him again after what they had done on Christmas Eve.

"How was the rest of your vacation? I just hung around with my cousins, but it was nice to get away from Hollywood for a while," Camille kissed Logan's cheek once more and then went over to Sage to pull her best friend into a hug, not noticing the somber looks on everyone's faces.

"It was… eventful…" Carlos answered awkwardly and stared at Logan with an expression of understanding. He had recently broken up with his own girlfriend, but the details and reasons had been so different. Logan was going to have to break up with a girl he had been preparing to let himself fall in love with, someone who was good and didn't deserve unhappiness.

"What's up with all the boxes? Are you cleaning?" Camille asked innocently, every word making things harder on the former band and songwriter, and she peeked into one of the boxes on the table to see picture frames and hockey trophies. She tilted her head in slight confusion, but she was still grinning pleasantly, and Logan hated that he was going to kill her mood.

"Not exactly," he slid his hand into hers and held on tightly as he gently tugged her away from the table to face him. "We need to talk, Camille…"

"Is this about James?" she guessed inaccurately, but it had all nervous eyes on her. "I saw him in the lobby an hour ago. He seemed weird… He was kind of an asshole; gave me the cold shoulder even after I told him I got that movie role…" she grinned triumphantly but then frowned and appeared to be thinking about her encounter with the solo singer.

"You saw James?" Kendall almost smiled. He had been worrying that the boy would somehow avoid a goodbye the whole time they were there, and that was the last thing he wanted. Bidding farewell to something he never intended to part with in the first place was already hard enough without adding a missing James to the list.

"Yeah, he said he was going up to his room, but he's not here," Camille glanced around the apartment and bent her body back slightly to see down the hallway, noticing that James' door was wide open and he wasn't around. The others found themselves wondering where he went too, knowing that they had been in the apartment for hours now and James never came.

"We'll figure it out later. Logan and Cam need to talk," Sage took Kendall's hand and moved towards the staircase beneath the balcony to give the couple privacy.

"We'll start packing your books up, Logie," Carlos murmured, trying to be helpful because there was so many of the things up in their room. He led Sage and Kendall quietly up the stairs, leaving Camille and Logan by themselves.

"You're packing?" Camille's chipper voice dropped down to a normal, gloomy level; as if she was putting the pieces together. She stared around the open space with new, less naïve eyes.

"Yeah, w-we're leaving. We have to go back to Minnesota," Logan squeezed her hand and looked down at the space where they joined, rubbing his thumb across her knuckles.

"For how long?" Camille asked even though she had already compiled the answer in her head as she focused her attention on anything but Logan; taking in the sight of all the boxes and empty surfaces around the apartment. She knew what he was going to say, and she was kicking herself for not realizing it sooner because of how much they were all evading her text messages and phone calls during the week, but she had chocked it up to being busy for the holidays just like she was in Connecticut with her family.

"For good. Griffin pulled the plug on Big Time Rush," Logan felt like he was going to throw up with all the nerves and guilt jumping around in his gut as he looked at the moisture gathering in Camille's brown eyes.

"And we have to break up," she guessed with a glance at the floor beneath them while she attempted to blink away the stinging tears accumulating. She didn't need to be a genius like Logan to figure out where this was going.

"I don't want to at all, especially after we-" Logan stopped himself for a moment at the memories of their intimate night together and took a deep breath before restarting. "It's what's best for both of us, I think. You'll be here, working on your career and getting famous for landing that role… Congratulations, by the way…" he let out a short, forlorn laugh while he tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear and dragged his fingertips along her cheek bone as she nodded slowly in agreement. "And I'll be in another part of the country, in another time zone, going to med school or something," he flinched at his words, still not fully willing to dedicate himself to that plan. However, for once, he didn't know anything other than what he had been given, and his options were limited. "We're two different people. It's crazy that we worked at all," Logan grinned when Camille managed to chuckle lightly and cease the rest of her tears with a few blinks.

"We were so the odd couple," she giggled sadly and let him pull her into a hug. She latched onto the back of his shirt and kept him close for as long as possible. "I'm gonna miss you, all of you... It won't be the same here without you five."

Logan exhaled into her neck and squeezed her until he wasn't sure that either of them could breathe, but they both jolted out of the embrace and stared at the door when there was a loud pounding on the other side.

"Wow, we're more popular now than when we were actually living here," Logan smirked weakly and unwillingly began taking his hands off of Camille.

"Dogs! Open up!" Gustavo's voice boomed from the hallway outside of 2J as he kept knocking loudly, making Carlos, Sage, and Kendall reappear from upstairs with puzzled faces.

"Take it easy on the door! We don't have the money to pay Bitters for a new one," Kelly scolded her boss faintly while the occupants of the apartment looked at the door and listened.

"I appreciate you complimenting my strength, Kelly, but I'm not the damn Hulk. Calm down." They could practically hear Gustavo rolling his eyes, and then his knocking increased in vigor and volume just to stubbornly test the limits.

Kendall stared at his friends in confusion, unsure of what was happening. Logan still kept one of his arms around Camille and shrugged with wide eyes and an open mouth. Sage stayed beside Carlos while Kendall approached the door and swung it open, stepping back when Gustavo's fist fell forward in mid-knock.

"Took you long enough! Do you all need hearing aids?" the producer huffed and stormed past Kendall, a sweeter and more apologetic looking Kelly following after him.

"Did you come to say goodbye?" Carlos smiled and held his arms open, but Sage reached out and lowered them gingerly for him when Gustavo glared.

"No, I came with good news," he told him with a cocky grin.

"We're putting the band back together!" Kelly announced happily, but there was a hint of apprehension in her tone. The only sound for a few seconds was Kendall letting the door slam shut.

"But we already packed half of our stuff," Carlos complained as he patted one of the boxes on the table. He winced when Camille raised her hand and smacked his shoulder before she curled into Logan with a look of hope.

"Are you joking?" Logan asked the producer cautiously, searching for the catch.

"Since when do I joke?" Gustavo let out a few mocking chuckles before Kelly nudged him with her clipboard. "I bought BTR from Griffin. It cost a few million, but I managed, and now it's up to us to impress new investors and get the money, and more, back. This is the only chance we've got, so don't mess it up," Gustavo sounded whiny, like he was begging but assuming the worst. "You have a concert a week from now. I paid for the venue and the equipment at a local hot spot, The Music Box."

"In a week? We weren't even going to do all that performing stuff until February in the first place…" Kendall was a bit distressed but didn't seem to be declining their ex-boss' offer as he walked over to stand beside Sage.

"Well, if we don't do it now then you'll have nowhere to live while you work. We can't pay for this apartment when the rent is due… Gustavo sold his mansion and liquidated the studio. There's nothing left," Kelly explained while keeping her eyes on the producer when he pouted sullenly at the mention of him losing his home.

"You did that for us?" Carlos made it appear as if he was teasing him, with a small grin, but he was also flattered and elated about the turn of events. It may have been happening fast, but it was so much more than they had a day ago; when all of their futures felt broken and up in the air.

"I didn't do it for _**you**_," Gustavo responded defensively, looking uncomfortable at the accusation of him having feelings, but then Kelly pushed him towards the group and cleared her throat; telling him it was no time for him to be cold and pompous, not when he had almost lost the thing that had revitalized his career after years of nothing. "I did it because you guys are great, and Blondie's great… Griffin was an idiot not to believe in you like I do. You're all different from any other people I've ever worked with, and you've taught me things…" he trailed off awkwardly and stared at the floor with a loud sigh," … like love and loyalty and family…" he mumbled and stole quick glances at Logan, Carlos, Sage, and Kendall before turning back to his assistant. "Can I be done with my speech now? We have to focus on things that aren't mushy," he complained.

"Alright, good job," Kelly chuckled lightly and patted his shoulder.

"So, if we do this concert, we get to stay?" Kendall pressed for clarification, a smile creeping up onto his face but remaining minimal until he was sure that he wasn't going to be crushed again.

"As long as you kill it. Once people see you, the fans and the new investors Kelly and I are going to beg to come, everything should fall into place… Hopefully…" Gustavo gave them a cheesy smile, looking nervous but otherwise truly optimistic, and that was better than nothing.

"I can't believe you're risking everything you have on one concert," Sage grinned affectionately at her mentor, causing him to narrow his eyes and then roll them at her.

"I was miserable at the studio without you and the band. Griffin had me recording freakin' books on tape and voice overs for commercials about food storage containers. I'd rather live in a shack than do that for the rest of my career." Gustavo had a special love for music and production that people often took for granted because of his attitude. Like Sage and the boys, he had a passion that he dedicated his life to, and he wasn't willing to give up without a fight. "If this works out, it'll be worth it, but I need your h-help…" he seemed uneasy about asking for assistance, but they were all a team, and the teenagers were just glad that he had realized it.

"We won't let you down, Gustavo!" Logan declared cheerfully while Sage, Carlos, and Kendall nodded vigorously at his side.

"Great… Now, we've gotta get rehearsals started. There's no equipment there, but we can still use the space at the studio, and- Wait, where's the other pup?" Gustavo scanned the apartment for James, spinning his whole body around dramatically.

"Oh, yeah…" Carlos hissed and clasped his hands together. "He got another job. Hawk Records brought him in to record demos with them."

Gustavo's eye twitched at the mention of his competitor.

"Can you guys get James back?" Kelly wondered nervously and chewed at her thumbnail while clutching her phone tightly, only relaxing when Kendall answered without missing a beat.

"Absolutely. All he wanted was for BTR to stay alive. He's gonna freak when he hears about this," he smiled excitedly and shared a pleased look with Sage as she rubbed his back. This was the Kendall she liked to see, not the depressed one who cried in her arms the night before.

"Well, go get him! We have a lot to do and only a few days to do it, and I haven't even figured out how we're going to handle advertising without any funds…" Gustavo pinched the bridge of his nose while Kelly began flipping through the pages on her clipboard like cash could appear in their empty accounts.

"Man, I wish you didn't rip up that check from Elliot. We'd be swimming in money," Carlos grimaced at Sage and slumped his shoulders.

"Carlos!" Kendall, Logan, and Camille all scolded him at once for mentioning the girl's tormentor, but Sage just grinned at him and shook her head; leaning into Carlos' apologetic sideways hug when he realized his lack of couth.

"Who's Elliot?" Gustavo inquired like the man could be a potential money-provider.

"No one!" the group of five shouted together, making the producer and Kelly jump back and stare at them curiously, but then Camille stepped forward to redirect their focus smoothly like the wonderful actress she was.

"I think I can help with getting local TV spots to advertise the concert. I just have to make a few calls," she pulled out her phone and began texting the Jennifers. Jenny owed her for getting her an audition for a supporting role in "Hollywood Night", and the popular trio had a lengthy list of contacts that could be useful when it came to exposure. Camille also had a feeling that, as soon as the Palm Woods' residents heard about the predicament, they'd jump in to help one of their own.

"I like her. Keep her around," Gustavo pointed to Camille, and Logan nodded immediately; not even wanting to imagine them separating again when they had almost broken up only a few minutes earlier. "Now, you three go find James and let the actress make her calls. I need to talk to Kelly and Blondie about the set list…" he walked over to the couch and sat down with Kelly perched beside him. He waited not-so-patiently, with wide eyes and waving hands, for Sage to join them.

Kendall, Logan, and Carlos enthusiastically saluted their boss and rushed out of the apartment to track down James. It didn't take as long as they thought it would have. Bitters, who had his thumb on the pulse of Palm Woods, was more than willing to give up the information he had about James. It turned out that the boy had been set up in a new apartment by Hawk on the sixth floor, and it only cost Kendall the last forty bucks in his wallet to get the money-hungry hotel manager to give them the room number, but then they spotted James in plain sight through the large doors to the pool area on their way to the elevator.

"We suck at sleuthing," Logan announced grumpily as they slunk their way past groups of teenagers exiting the pool, realizing just how easily he and the guys could have found James.

"What are you complaining about? I just gave Bitters all my cash," Kendall scoffed and nearly fell into Carlos when he stopped in front of the table James was sitting at. The boy had his iPod blasting a tune they didn't recognize and a magazine in his hands.

"Hi, James!" Carlos made their presence known by jumping forward and wrapping him in a crushing hug before patting his back. The earbuds in James' ears fell down onto his neck as he stared up at his friends in shock.

"Hey, guys. Long time no see," James smiled politely, and Carlos squinted at him like he was one of Logan's confusing science projects. He didn't feel like himself, and it was easy to notice even after not seeing him for days.

"That's because you have some sort of deficiency with answering your phone," Logan crossed his arms, a little peeved by his lack of communication but unwilling to let the annoyance take over since they had such good news from Gustavo.

"Yeah, sorry about that. I've been busy, and… You know…" James waved at them dismissively and wrapped his iPod up and shoved it into his pocket without even standing to really greet them once Carlos released his hold on him. He kept his eyes off of them for the most part. "Are you guys going back home tonight?"

"We are home," Kendall smirked. "Gustavo and Kelly are upstairs now. We're putting the band back together, and we've got a concert to play in a week to prove to everyone that we're good enough to get signed again... There's so much work to do, Jamie, but it's gonna be awesome if everything goes as planned," he motioned for James to follow them with a big smile, but the brunette made no move to get out of his chair. He stared at them, studying them for a moment without blinking, and then he grinned cordially and shook his head.

"No thanks," he closed his magazine with an air of nonchalance.

"No thanks?" Logan mumbled, cocking his head back and glancing around the pool like his hearing had somehow been obstructed.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Kendall's smile faded, and he bent towards James as if he could understand him better if he got closer.

"You told me to move on, so I did. I can't go back now. I'm better off solo," James shrugged and stood up, carefully tucking his chair beneath the table to keep his hands busy, not letting the countenance of pleasantry fall from his face even though things were getting awkward.

"That's not true," Kendall argued instantly, appearing frazzled and upset. "Listen… I know I was being weird about things, and maybe I shouldn't have given up as quickly as I did, but I was scared, okay? I'm sorry… I just wanted to make things alright for us as a family," he sighed, vulnerably laying everything out so he could get his brother back on board, but James shook his head again.

"I get what you're saying, man, but it's better for everyone if I just do my own thing." James didn't seem to care that his three ex-bandmates were moving their heads from side to side harshly, not agreeing with him one bit. "I got lost for a while here, messed up and made mistakes, because I was trying to juggle my family and my career, and I finally realized that I need to separate them. I love you guys, but I can't work with you anymore," he stepped around the trio and left his magazine behind, texting on his phone as he headed for the lobby.

"But you're our best friend. We can't do it without you," Carlos begged and chased him with the others.

"Sorry," James shrugged indifferently, not showing an ounce of true emotion as he slipped his sunglasses on and strolled past Bitters' desk and out to the front of the building.

"You're not fucking sorry! If you were, you'd be hauling your ass back up to 2J and helping us plan this concert!" Kendall yelled, growing angrier by the second. "You say that you're separating work and family, but you're not. You're throwing us away because you don't like dealing with relationships, because it's getting too hard or some shit. You're giving up on the people who love you," he continued with fury and disgust. He never imagined that James would have cracked so hard that he'd leave them behind intentionally. Of course it was upsetting when he got another job offer, but Kendall couldn't blame James for taking it. He could, however, absolutely blame him for ditching them now. Kendall felt betrayed, like he was being stepped on after sticking up for James so many times and accepting help from him too when Sage came back; solidifying the brothers' bond. He was treating all they had ever been through like it meant nothing when Kendall had devoted everything to their family unit; as a whole and to the individuals.

James didn't turn around to face them. He just kept glancing down the road, waiting for his limo to pick him up to go to his new studio.

"Don't do this, James. We need you. We're a team. We've stuck together since we were five," Logan reminded him forlornly, raising his hand up to place it on his friend's shoulder, but James shrugged it away almost as soon as it made contact and stepped up to the curb when a black limo stopped near them.

"We're not five anymore, Logan. We're grownups. It's over. I don't care about Big Time Rush. I just care about myself," James turned without hesitation and got into the limo, ignoring the way Kendall took a threatening step towards him only to have Carlos hold him off.

The worst part wasn't that James was walking away from them. It was that he was blatantly lying without remorse. He had eradicated any bit of good in himself and stored it away in a secret compartment, and they needed to figure out how to get that precious part of him back.

* * *

"I figured they'd send the big guns," James stared at Sage after he opened his door to soft knocking. It was the day after he hurried away from Kendall, Logan, and Carlos, and he had gone out of his way to not see them again; staying late in the studio and hanging around town until he felt it was safe to return to apartment 6B.

"So, I'm the big guns now?" Sage had her arms crossed and stared right back at him in the way he both hated and loved; a way that said she was in the middle of reading everything he was hiding.

He gave her a look that clearly said it was a stupid question because, really, she was always his weakness since she first showed up in their lives and had him reevaluating his own personality and decisions.

"What are you doing, James?" she sighed. The inquiry was loaded, so he decided to avoid it. That was his new motto: avoid the complicated things.

"I'm about to have dinner. What are you doing?" he spun around and didn't stop her from coming into the apartment and shutting the door behind her. The space was smaller than 2J, only a single bedroom, but it was still expensive-looking and relatively nice; meaning Hawk was giving James every incentive to stick with him.

"Just watching one of my best friends be the biggest d-bag in the world," Sage stayed near the door, not even wanting to get too far into the apartment where, as far as she was concerned, neither one of them belonged.

"How am I being a d-bag when I'm just looking out for myself?" James' voice rose and shook a little towards the end before he could catch it as he looked to Sage, but then he swallowed and breathed calmly and turned back around to enter the kitchen area behind the line of counters.

"Because that's not who you are, not all the time. You only become this guy…" she gestured to his body with aggravation, "… You're only him when you're scared."

"That's the best part about this new setup. I'm not scared of anything anymore. I have nothing to lose," he smirked boldly and pulled the freezer door open while Sage spoke behind him.

"You're so infuriating," she groaned and ran a hand through her blonde hair. James turned his head to look her right in the eye.

"Do something about it."

It wasn't a dare or a playful quip like they would usually engage in. His words sounded rude, and he had never been like that with her before. They both flinched at his tone, but then they recovered for different reasons; James because he had to keep up the act he had talked himself into pursuing and Sage because she couldn't let him get to her if she was going to succeed in waking him the hell up.

"You're, uh, kinda frightening when you're like this…" she laughed uneasily, hoping to get him to lighten up a bit.

"Then go away."

Her first tactic didn't work.

James stared at her for a second before turning back to the freezer and pulling out a box of frozen chicken nuggets, instantly making him miss the meals they'd all eat at home, but then he clenched his teeth and tried to remove the image of their family eating at the table together from his mind; wishing that, one day, he'd get it completely out of his head. He eyed the tiny instructions on the box and fiddled with the knobs on the unfamiliar oven to preheat it.

"You're really serious about not coming back, aren't you?" Sage glared at him in disbelief. The guys had told her it was bad, but she didn't imagine that he was this callous.

"Yup," James answered simply and quickly and refused to look at her as he needlessly read the box in his hands again and again.

"Why?" Sage came off as sad and lost. She thought she had been getting a handle on James lately, but she had never witnessed this; his brilliant act of nonchalance and detachment. It was as if he reverted back to something even worse than who he was before he started changing, like he was destroying all of his progress in an attempt to flee from what made him feel like altering himself in the first place.

James didn't answer her, most likely because he couldn't think of the right thing to say, so she got more aggravated.

"I know what you're trying to do. You can't hide from me… not after you let me in for the past few weeks. I made a promise that I'd help you, and I have no intention of breaking it."

"I knew I would regret that," James replied dryly, his usual way of smirking and teasing not evident at all, but Sage didn't seem to care. She didn't want to play anyway.

"This is just your next distraction after the others didn't work out for you. This is the same shit you always do, but on a bigger scale; one that you're going to hate yourself for one day. You're not separating things to make them easier. You're doing it to erase half of your stress load," she declared confidently without faltering. Normally, she treated him carefully, but now wasn't the time for delicacy. James needed a reality check.

He stilled at her speech, like she had gotten to him, but then he dug out a sheet pan from the nearest cabinet and dumped his frozen food onto it; creating a lot of noise as if it could drown everything else out.

Sage was right, and he knew it.

The drugs, sex, and dangerous choices he made in the last few months were detours and stupid distractions, ones he was trying to use so he couldn't be forced into taking a good look at who he really was only to realize that he didn't like what he saw. He had reached the point where he was about to fall off the small ledge he was figuratively standing on if he didn't make a decision when Hawk called him after his dreams had almost crumbled. He could have let his friends catch him, and hope that no one would have gotten hurt from the impact, but he chose the safer option of backing away from the fall and deciding to leave them securely at the bottom while he stayed aloft instead.

The mere fact that he had thought it all out showed a type of initiative and power he didn't give himself credit for. He was actually quite insightful when it came to everything outside of him, and he always wanted to focus on that rather than diving inside. He could read his family like a children's book, but it was as if he had written his own story in a different language that he could no longer translate; he lost the knowledge somewhere along the way between Sherwood and California. He lost who he was, and now he felt too petrified to decipher himself again, looking for the nearest exit instead. He intentionally split into two just to deal with it all.

The best half of him was when he was with Sage and his brothers, but it was unfortunately the one he was working hard to throw in the trash because of its difficulty. Sage was vexed by it because he had only been really trying for a few weeks with her to turn into someone he liked, and now he was failing and copping out; doing the very thing he promised Sage and himself he wouldn't do.

But he was so tired of making promises in the first place. They were too exhausting to keep, so he was attempting to shove them all away at once. Despite his intense love for his family, they were his largest fear since he realized how much importance and influence they held. He was constantly worried about them turning on him or hating him for making the dumb mistakes he always walked into, so now he wanted to force their hand; force them to hate him because he was so drained from waiting to be hurt first.

"I-I can't go back down there with you. Things are better if I stay here alone," James argued, but he sounded less convincing than he had meant to. His words were slow and trembled in his throat before they came out as he leaned on the counter near Sage, staring at the gray marble beneath his fingertips and the fuzzy image of his reflection on the clean surface.

"You said you wouldn't lie to me, so stop saying you're better off by yourself. It's not true… It's not better, just simpler," Sage stepped closer so that she stood on the other side of the counter, and this time he didn't rush away; he just stayed put. "I know wh-what it's like to shut yourself o-off," she swallowed thickly and exhaled to stop her hands from shaking at the memories of her in a place similar to James'. "I did that for a while when I slept with Elliot, thinking it was the best plan, but it hurt in the end and I hate myself for giving up… Logan and you and Carlos, and even Kendall, can tell me that it wasn't my fault, but I'm responsible for myself and my decisions as much as Elliot was… I don't want you to feel like I did, despising yourself for things you can't take back…"

"What if I already do?" James wondered softly, still gazing at the distorted reflection on the counter.

"Then let us fix you, Jamie… I swear that it will be okay if you're not alone... I still need you, and-"

"You're fine," James insisted with a grin and a shake of his head. He quickly looked up when Sage put her hand on his and he saw her reflection mix with his own on the marble.

"I appreciate the vote of confidence, and it's nice to know that I seem normal, but I'm not. I'm not fine, and I won't be for a while... It was just seven months ago that I was with E-Elliot," Sage smiled sadly and wiped a tear from her eye before it fell; ruining the brave face she was trying to put on for James. "The only reason I'm the way I am now is because the five of us stuck together. You and the guys gave me a family and something to work for… No one can fix themselves without help…"

Their group of five was linked together so closely and intricately that each of their presences were necessary for the others to function properly. Yes, they had set themselves up that way, taking the good and the bad that came with it, but it was what it was; win or lose. If one of their links were to be severed permanently, the rest would fall without fail. Their daily interactions, ones that happened every minute whether awake or sleeping, all worked together to formulate who they were and who they'd become, and taking those away would have consequences Sage didn't even want to consider.

"Sage... I needed to decide who I was going to be… and this is it. This is my choice," James tried to pull his hand away from hers, but Sage held on tight; deciding that she wasn't going to let him run.

"You made the wrong one!" she insisted stubbornly and loudly before calming herself down and attempting to think rationally, using the tone that James tended to respond well to, not the yelling that he feared. "You may think that you're gonna feel happier this way, but you won't. Maybe it's not going to be a week from now, or a month, or even a year, but sometime in the future you're going to crash and burn if you keep this up. You're miserable, and you're not leaving yourself with anyone to catch you. Please, don't just quit and push us away when you can't afford it… None of us can…"

James took a shuddering breath and slowly pulled his hand away from hers while keeping his eyes downward. He seemed intent on not speaking, hopefully because he didn't want to fight anymore.

"Make your choice again, James, and really think about it this time… Do you want to stay here, where it's safe but lonely, or do you want to give Big Time Rush another shot? I know it's risky, and there's a chance that you will fail if this concert doesn't go as planned, but you'll have people by your side... You'll have us no matter what happens," she reminded him with a small smile. James didn't bring his eyes up to look at her while she warily stepped back to give him some space.

He found his voice by the time she reached the door.

"I want to go back home with you… I'm sorry… I don't wanna be alone," he rushed around the counter and pulled her into a hug, a type of comforting contact that he missed. He hated apartment 6B and he hated recording at Hawk Records. It was boring and tedious when he had no one to talk to or work with. In his childhood, he had always dreamed of having a glamorous career singing solo and standing in the spotlight, but it didn't seem so glamorous or important now; not after he had lived just a few days with no one close to him and he could hardly breathe most of the time, let alone enjoy it.

"Then why do you keep doing things like this?" Sage sighed and rubbed his back before he released her.

"It feels safer sometimes, I guess... Like, if I keep moving away, then there would be no one for me to disappoint… and no one to disappoint me," James quirked his shoulder helplessly and bit the inside of his cheek when he realized how irrational it sounded. The logic was simple, in the most basic of terms, but it didn't work in practice as well as it did in theory, not if the goal was for him to be happy in the end.

"You gotta learn how to give people a fair shot. They may surprise you," Sage grinned and relaxed when she felt like she had James back to being James, instead of the fake person he had suddenly become when things got too challenging.

"How can you say that after what Elliot and, fuck, even the _**entire**_ town of Ramsey did to you?" James chuckled lowly and walked into the kitchen to shut off the oven.

"Because I met Kendall, you, Logie, and Carlos... You took me in, and trusting you was the best thing that ever happened to me. It made those times where I was terrified feel not-so-important anymore. Letting yourself rely on others makes life a little better," Sage smiled up at him as she slipped her phone out from her pocket to text Kendall that she was bringing James home.

"I do rely on you guys… but I think that I'm hurting you all… I cause so much trouble and I don't really pull my own weight in the relationship," James took the still-frozen food out of the oven and dumped it in the trash, speaking more honestly and simply than he had earlier; no longer dodging or pretending that his feelings didn't exist.

"James, you can't assess your own performance," she laughed softly as he walked over to join her by the door. "If you were a problem, I wouldn't be trying to drag you back to 2J by your hair," she ruffled the brown locks playfully, and he didn't have it in his heart to care about her disheveling one of his most prized possessions. He just grinned. "We love you. We _**want**_ you around, so deal with it because it's not gonna change no matter what you think or what you do next," she squeezed his hand and pulled him to the door, and James didn't protest at all.

He really did wonder about his family's feelings sometimes, wondered when the breaking point for them would be, and that made him nearly search it out for himself; like playing with fire while covered in gasoline. Now he knew that he should stop looking for weaknesses in everything and just live his life; prepare for the bad and embrace the good instead of assuming the worst in others and himself.

James opened the door for Sage and let her into the hallway first, wearing a content smile as he followed her out.

"Let's go home."

* * *

"Big Time Rush is back and bigger than ever. At least that's what CEO Arthur Griffin reports to our team after his rising band performed a sold-out concert at The Music Box this weekend. Just a little over two weeks ago he had kicked BTR to the curb, but now Griffin has called the termination an 'unfortunate oversight', by his financial division, which has been corrected. Whether it was a business mistake or a publicity stunt, we are happy that these four boys are back, and I think their enthusiastic fans would agree…"

The pretty and poised female reporter disappeared from the screen and was replaced with footage from the aftermath of their concert; numerous girls of various ages chanting for Big Time Rush and holding up signs that declared their love for the band.

Then the channel was changed.

"Carlos, turn that back on!" James shrieked indignantly and glared at the boy beside him, reaching for the remote only to get it pulled away.

"We watched it seven times and you have it saved on the DVR. It's not going anywhere. I wanna watch 'Pawn Kings' now," Carlos flipped the channel and waited for his show to start, excited for the haggling of the pawn shop owners in Las Vegas, especially if it involved canons or comic books.

"I don't think that show is good for you, Car..." Logan scolded him halfheartedly before turning to Sage, Kendall, and James, lowering his voice significantly, "… I keep thinking he's going to steal my car and jet off to Nevada to try to sell all of our shit."

"Hey! I could get a pretty penny for our stuff once we become even more famous!" Carlos pouted and wound up flipping through more of the channels when his show didn't start soon enough for his liking.

After the successful performance they had, it wasn't that crazy for him to believe that they'd be getting more attention very soon. Once they got James back, with a few glares but more apologies and hugs, they worked hard for six days straight to prepare for the first concert of their lives. They were basically starting from the ground up, with nothing but each other and the songs they had spent months compiling. Camille pulled through and got them some local television spots to advertise the event, and the Jennifers and a few of the other Palm Woods' residents banned together to hand out flyers and hang posters for the band. Carlos even chanced a hefty amount of community service by tagging spots in L.A. with graffiti of BTR's logo, simply saying that it was worth it because it gave them some "epic promotion".

It all worked for their benefit, though. The concert was packed with people excited about seeing them after hearing their single play on the radio for months, and they did the best Gustavo could have asked for. The reaction was insane, with girls screaming and reaching out to touch them; effectively showing them that things could change in just a matter of days. They had spent so much time in their own world, in the apartment and the studio, that they hadn't fully realized what the people outside thought of them. The more exposure they got, the more the attention would increase. It was both terrifying and thrilling, and none of them wanted to trade it for anything after the amount of uselessness they had felt in Sherwood. After their first concert experience, they believed more than ever that it was what they were meant to do; create and perform as a band, not individuals.

Apparently, Griffin wanted back in on the opportunity too. After the concert, the investors that Gustavo convinced to attend bombarded him with offers, but Griffin showed up with the best one. He bought BTR back, paid to have Gustavo's mansion and studio equipment returned, which was a blessing in itself because the producer had to live in 2J for a few days due to losing his house, and Griffin also signed a binding contract for a three-record deal with the boys. They were set. There was no going back; no more disruptions or uncertainty.

"Are we ever gonna unpack anything? This apartment is officially ours now," Sage reminded them with a grin. Griffin had paid several months of rent for them in advance and renewed their lease for another year, but, with all of the activities they had going on lately, no one had time to do anything but write, dance, and sing. The numerous cardboard boxes, James' included now, were still scattered around the apartment.

"Maybe after we catch up on some sleep," James snuggled down into the orange couch and readjusted his legs in the tight space so that they bumped into Carlos' before he folded them beneath himself. "You know," he started with mischief in his eyes, "now that Los Angeles is legitimately, 100% our home-"

"No take backs," Carlos added smartly.

"No take backs," James laughed and knocked elbows with his friend as he continued his previous thought. "We should see what other trouble we can get into. We should always strive to beat our best, right?" he teased them with a smirk and a wink, knowing he had put them all through some turmoil and that they each tended to find some of their own too.

"No! No more drama, please. We've got enough for two lifetimes," Logan groaned and shook the bag of chips in his hand to look for one with the right amount of seasoning only to have Kendall snatch the package away.

"But there's five of us, so we technically have more space to fill," Kendall popped a chip into his mouth, chewing and swallowing it with a good-natured smile.

"Shut up, Kendall," Sage clamped her hand over his mouth and shoved the snack back at Logan, seeming amused but a bit panicked; as if he could jinx them with more angst.

"We're going on tour next month, and that means we could cause mayhem around the world!" Carlos bumped his fist against James'.

"We aren't going global yet, just national," Logan interjected as he restarted his search for the perfect chip.

"Yeah, but we're gonna be super famous in no time! BTR will be everywhere," James got a dreamy look in his eyes, dissipating when Kendall snickered on the other side of the sofa.

"This coming from the guy who wanted to go solo," he quirked his eyebrow at the boy after removing Sage's hand from his mouth and holding it in his own.

"Stop reminding me. It was a minor miscalculation," James sighed and tried to steal the remote away from Carlos again. He didn't like talking about why he had done what he did. If he was honest, he felt ashamed of it all; feeling like he had taken the cowardly way out.

"You were an asshole," Kendall gave him a warning stare before cracking a smile when Carlos slapped James on the hand with the remote and looked for his show again even though he still had several minutes before it started.

"And now I'm not," James countered.

"Sometimes," Logan mumbled but was ignored save for a narrowed look by the accused.

"And everything's cool. I don't know what I was thinking anyway. I can't get that far without you losers by my side," James shoved Logan's chips toward his face lightly just to get a rise out of him. The boy jerked the bag away so they wouldn't get crushed and then threw one of the snacks at James, which he responded to by simply eating it and chewing obnoxiously loud.

"Have I told you lately how endearing you are?" Sage rolled her eyes when James stuck his tongue out at Logan, giving them a view of his masticated food that no one needed to see.

"Tell me more," James puffed his chest out pompously.

"Please, don't. This couch isn't big enough to hold all of us _**and**_ James' massive ego," Carlos looked smug but then yelped childishly when James knocked the remote out of his hand and onto the floor.

"I'm not loving how smart-mouthed you've gotten since you've matured… It's annoying…" James crossed his arms like Carlos' words had truly harmed him even though they didn't in the least.

"I enjoy it," Logan laughed and kicked James' leg with his foot daringly while shaking the chip bag again.

"You would," James struck back and glared, having a standoff before he reached out and snatched the bag from Logan's grasp and held it too high for the shorter boy to get.

It wasn't long before they were jokingly wrestling on the floor while Carlos watched and laughed like it was the funniest thing he had ever witnessed, aforementioned maturity nowhere to be seen.

Kendall leaned over and picked up the remote once Carlos decided he was going to abandon the television to join in on the battle for the chips, trying to save them with Logan while James tried to crush them. Kendall pulled Sage into his side and mindlessly scanned through the channels, occasionally seeing glimpses of the band on the news highlights as the hour changed with a backdrop of giggles and shouts and crunches from the floor beneath them.

"Isn't it great having the family back together?" he whispered amusedly and kissed her temple as she snuggled closer and nodded.

Neither of them had to say it, but there was a silent understanding that they were all better than ever; having been tested and almost broken but united in the end regardless. Plus, they had one rejuvenated and ready-to-be-improved James with them. Sage was personally excited to see what he would be like now that he had torn himself down to almost the bare minimum and was painstakingly working on rebuilding everything up around him to be happier and stronger. With the types of conversations they'd had privately, she was praying that there wouldn't be too many bumps like their recent ones along the way, but James was as unpredictable as he was loveable.

* * *

**A/N: James is learning, but it's going to be a rocky process, of course. However, I think he's done hating himself :) He's ready to TRY to be the person he wants to be :)**

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this chapter :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I appreciate any feedback and I love meeting fellow readers/fans of BTR. Don't be shy :) **

**As always, I'll see you all next Saturday :)**


	49. Big Time Ambiguity

**A/N: I'm hoping this chapter is worth the extra week's wait :) I'm personally really pleased with it and happy that I took the extra time, or it wouldn't have been what it was :) Please let me know what you think :)**

**…. And I'm going to do my best to respond to reviews as they come in like usual, but I'm in NJ (right in the thick of the intensity of Hurricane Irene for the weekend) and I may lose power and internet. Good luck to everyone on the east coast being affected :) Stay smart and safe :) **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 49: BIG TIME AMBIGUITY_

* * *

"You look bummed…" Carlos pouted at Kendall from the chair beside him in a way that would normally command a laugh or a smirk, but he received no response other than a slow and thoughtful blink of the blonde boy's lashes. "You want a pony?" he wondered cheerfully and wiggled slightly in his seat, tapping the pen he held in one hand against a clipboard he held in the other. When he got no reaction again, he made an executive decision for his best friend. "I'll get you a pony…" he began writing on the first empty line at the top of the paper, getting down a "P" and an "O" before Logan snatched it away.

"Griffin is not footing the bill for a fuckin' pony, Carlos. Are you trying to get us fired… again?" Logan sighed in exasperation but couldn't stop himself from grinning at the boy rolling his eyes.

He knew that Carlos just wanted to cheer up Kendall, who was being abnormally quiet for a singing sensation about to start an interview with one of New York City's most popular reporters. Pushing himself away from the vanity counter he was leaning on in front of Carlos, Logan decided that he should make his own attempt at getting Kendall out of his depressing trance and his focus off of the magazine in his hands.

"I don't know why Miranda thinks that it's a good idea to always hand Carlos the blank rider," he smirked and waved the empty list of requests their tour manager had given them. One of the perks of being on tour was having anything you wanted ready for you at the locations, something the boys tried not to take advantage of but thought was awesome regardless.

"She respects my creativity," Carlos declared haughtily, straightening his posture and scooting to the edge of his chair, which he had hardly moved his butt from since they first sat down; announcing that the furniture in the production lot they were on looked just like what the cast got behind the scenes in movies and that it made him feel like he was Indiana Jones.

Logan had tried to explain that his comparison made no sense, considering he had likened himself contrarily to both an actor and then a character at the same time, but Carlos didn't seem to mind at all. He just planted himself in front of the makeup station after getting dressed for the interview and never erased his smile of glee.

"I think it's because she has yet to discover what a troublemaker you are," Logan countered dryly with a shake of his head and darted his eyes toward Kendall to see if he was paying attention to them, but, of course, he wasn't.

"Oh, please! I'm a damn joy to be around. Miranda loves me best," Carlos childishly stuck his tongue out at Logan, which just got him another confident shake of his bandmate's head.

"Miranda loves no one best… She's an ice queen…" Logan hissed the last part lowly and looked around for their less-than-sweet tour manager.

The middle-aged woman was discussing something intensely with the agent of their host, who was going to be stuck in early-morning NYC traffic for at least another thirty minutes before they could start their planned interview. Miranda's thickly hair-sprayed dark locks swayed from side to side in one large mass as she strictly gestured to the frightened looking younger girl frantically typing away on her phone, most likely begging her boss to get there faster so she didn't have to hear any more lectures about schedules and courtesy from the she-devil glaring daggers at her. Logan just counted himself and his brothers lucky that they weren't on the receiving end of Miranda's wrath too often. As long as they did what they were supposed to do when they were supposed to do it, she reserved her business-like fury, the main attribute for which Griffin hired her, for the frustrating people they came across on their six week tour of the U.S.

"We've still got a lot of the tour left. It's only just begun. I'm going to make her give me a smile at least once," Carlos announced with a grin and an excited wave in Miranda's direction, getting a confused and narrowed look in return before the woman went back to hounding the girl she was in front of. Carlos shrugged and took it in stride, figuring that he'd try to get her again later.

He was determined to be his loveable self around every single person he met after they left Los Angeles and their album dropped, and that positive attitude got him far with both fans and the people behind the scenes. Just this morning, he made a new friend in the woman who helped dress him and forced him to wear a light coat of make up for the cameras. She fawned over him, claiming he was "adorable", and said she loved him because he was her daughter's favorite band member. He signed a bunch of things for her with enthusiasm and even drew a quick sketch of himself hugging the teenager based off of a small picture the makeup woman had in her wallet. Carlos adored the attention, getting it and giving it all right back with a joyous smile that never faltered.

"I'm sure she appreciates the perseverance," Logan chuckled and tossed the rider down onto the vanity behind him before sobering up and looking at Kendall again. "Are you in there, man? If you don't move or talk soon, Carlos is gonna start spouting off body snatcher theories…" he bit his tongue to stop his laughter when Carlos huffed loudly as if he'd been insulted.

"That was one time after we saw the movie! Let it go, Logan!" he crossed his arms and twisted in his prized chair, bringing one of his legs up to curl on the seat of it while he spun sideways to face Kendall in the small space; seriously testing the rickety furniture's limits. "Kendall, Logan's picking on me. Make him stop, please?" Carlos begged playfully, his hands linked together as he leaned toward his friend, who finally looked up at them and took his eyes off of the magazine.

"Have you guys seen this?" he asked in a low but steady voice, like he was calm only because he was struggling to be and not because it was actually how he felt.

It wasn't the assistance Carlos was looking for, but Kendall had finally broken his silence after all of his and Logan's attempts since he had sat down with the magazine, and that was enough for Carlos to forget that his genius of a brother had teased him; both him and Logan choosing to pay attention to Kendall now rather than each other.

"Yeah, we see that all the time. It's funny," Carlos quirked his shoulder in a shrug as he apprehensively took the publication from Kendall's fisted hands and studied the latest headline they had made in the tabloids.

"_Sage Henderson and Big Time Rush. Which boy has her heart?"_

They were used to people thinking all kinds of things about their group. They had prepared for it since it was decided that Sage would come along on their tour, therefore being seen everywhere they went. None of them, especially Kendall, were ready to leave her by herself for extended periods of time yet even though she was improving greatly, and the five of them had expected trouble from Gustavo about letting Sage go too, but he was the one who ordered her to do so before they even began requesting it. Being her mentor, Gustavo encouraged her to go with the boys for the opportunity and the experience so she would have more knowledge about what she was writing for. In addition to that, he trained her to be useful on the circuit around America, teaching her how to work with and manage the live band and also acquainting her closely with Miranda so she could assist where she was needed in whatever capacity she thought appropriate.

The boys knew that Sage wouldn't always be able to go with them when they left home in the future, not every time to every place because it would be irrational, but they were grateful for the grace period of the first tour. Part of them believed that Gustavo saw how attached they were and that it factored into his decision. He never asked about Sage's past, but he wasn't an idiot, and he knew that she had no one but them, so the boys couldn't help but think that Gustavo had done them a little favor even if he'd never admit it. However, the producer did get something out of his decision as well. His protégé would receive more lessons than he could ever give her in just the studio, and he got to stay behind in L.A. to work with a few new artists wanting to record a song or two with the label because of the hype they had gotten after the holidays.

There were also benefits that Gustavo wouldn't ever know about or see. The movement, the adventure, was good for Sage and the others. As preparation before the tour, they gave her a crash course in crowds and strangers; taking her out to the busiest places they could think of on a daily basis until her anxiety reached a manageable level that was nearly indecipherable to anyone but them. She was getting so much better than she used to be, but things weren't completely healed. They would never be. She still had a problem with uniformed police officers, not experiencing an absolute meltdown at the sight but still crawling inside of herself out of a fear that couldn't be controlled or stopped in the blink of an eye. In those times, she became a bit lifeless and needed to be guided rather than making conscious decisions on her own. It helped that one of the guys were always right beside her, though. They, with the addition of private security dressed in black, made her feel protected. The entire family felt fortunate that cops were her only remaining major trigger because it was almost as if she was fully alleviated of the past, but that was a scary thought for them to entertain; like it would jinx all of their progress if they looked too far on the bright side. But brightness was welcomed after so much darkness. The happy times were a reprieve from the hell they had found themselves in less than a year ago.

Too optimistic for their own good or not, Kendall wanted some of that light back now. He hated it when he felt anything but pleasant because it always transferred to the rest of them, but he couldn't stop the anxiousness poking at him annoyingly like a fly that just wouldn't quit hovering. He tried to ignore his problem, and he thought that he was doing a decent job of it, but he wasn't as effective as he hoped. Logan and Carlos could tell something was wrong. They could always tell.

It was the damn tabloids. They were getting to his head and the tour had hardly begun.

"They keep fuckin' wondering who Sage is with! It's _**me**_! Not anyone else…" Kendall spoke heatedly but softly because of the numerous workers around them and glared at the magazine in Carlos' hands like it was going to start a physical fight with him. He was definitely ready to throw the first punch.

"We know that, Kendall…" Logan held his palms up in surrender to calm the cranky boy down and gave an awkward smile to a random sound engineer that walked by and looked curiously at the trio; one teen's eyes fiery and the other two's widened in slight shock.

Honestly, Logan sort of anticipated Kendall's annoyance before he had even developed it; having been the pseudo therapist of sorts for both him and Sage. He knew there was going to be an obvious problem when Gustavo had announced that Griffin insisted Kendall and Sage, as well as Logan and Camille, hide their relationships. Early on in the process of creating Big Time Rush, Gustavo and Kelly thought that Sage being with Kendall and also working with him would be a "cool quirk" for the fans to know about them, but their minds changed as time went on and Griffin became a constant buzz in their ears. He said it would be a good publicity ploy if they kept Sage's relationship to the band unclear. She and Kendall didn't like it, but Sage was determined to do whatever was best for them as a group, and Kendall wasn't going to argue after they had almost been released permanently from the company. It was too early for him to rock the boat for something that didn't matter in the bigger scheme of things. Even though the protective and possessive part of him wanted to grandly declare his love for his girlfriend, he reminded himself that the majority of their fans were young females and there was nothing for him to be overly jealous or angry about. Instead of feeling aggravated, he tried to just remain thankful that Sage was allowed to be on the bus with them for the tour, but he couldn't fully stop the displeasure he felt every time the subject of his deceit was brought up.

Logan was in a similar situation with Camille, but their circumstances varied because of their different type of relationship. They meant a lot to each other, but certainly not what Kendall meant to Sage and Sage meant to Kendall. Things were a bit simpler for them, newer and more basic even after they had sex. Logan had no problem telling strangers that he was single because Camille had actually proposed it before Gustavo even came to them with the news that Griffin wanted them all to be as vague as possible about their relationship status. She was very familiar with how Hollywood portrayed couples and how fans interpreted them. She figured that, in the long run, it was better that she and Logan remained separate in the public eye while both of their careers were taking off, and she definitely didn't want any negative vibes heading her boyfriend's way just because he was "taken".

The fact that there was no fuss between him and Camille about hiding their connection, which was something like love but not quite there yet, might have bothered some, like Kendall was bothered about him and Sage, but it seemed like the easiest solution for both the singer and the actress. In retrospect, it actually concerned Logan that he so effortlessly allowed things to be given such little worth when it came to his and Camille's relationship, but he chose not to think about it too hard. Thinking about Kendall and Sage instead was safer, less stressful and taxing on his part.

"It doesn't matter what people think. Everyone who needs to know the truth knows it," Logan murmured consolingly and reached out to pat his brother on the shoulder.

"And James has to learn not to hog my girlfriend," Kendall continued grumpily like he hadn't heard or felt Logan, and his vision rose up higher; moving away from the tabloid in Carlos' lap and to the view of Sage and James in the distance.

The pair stood by the wardrobe rack on the other side of the stage area they were all behind. Sage was dressed in the clothes she had arrived in, jeans and a hoodie with the sleeves tugged down because the frigid weather was still overtaking the air as winter subsided and spring prepared to crawl in, and James was fully dressed for their soon-to-be-taped interview and looking perfect as always; a light blue dress shirt hugging his upper body and dark, designer jeans so tight on his legs that they could have been painted on. Kendall was pretty sure he would have to be cut out of the stupid things when they got back on the bus. Sage was helping him with his tie as he toiled over which was right for his outfit, deciding between peach and salmon, which looked almost identical to anyone else but James.

On any other day, Kendall would have found their interactions entertaining, and even a little heartwarming considering how far they had all come to be a family, but he wasn't in the mood to be grateful. He was just in a mood in general, and he wouldn't define it as a good one. Instead, it was one that had him fantasizing about wringing his brother's neck with his peach-salmon tie.

"Sage and Jamie always hang out. It's just… what they do…" Carlos explained with an innocent smile and flick of his wrist as he glanced at their other two family members and waved, getting light laughter and a wave in return from both James and Sage before they went back to discussing ties; James frowning and holding one up to his neck against the other while Sage pinched the bridge of her nose and smirked despite the surely exhausting rant coming out of his fashion-conscious mouth.

She and James hadn't told the others about their pact, where she would help him and he would confide in her instead of being defensive and destructive, because they didn't think it was necessary to put that amount of unwanted attention on James' personal issues. What they were doing now was working, and it wasn't like it was a complete secret. They weren't hiding, they just weren't necessarily offering up tons of information about what they discussed when they were alone or when James begged her for assistance. The boys knew they had been talking and spending time together. They weren't blind, but none of them saw the need to call the pair out on it as long as things seemed beneficial. They appeared happy, especially James. Apparently she was a good influence on him, but Kendall was getting agitated by all of the ambiguity being forced upon him when it came to their relationships on the road. It drove him a little more than crazy that some people thought Sage wasn't with him and was with one of the others instead.

It also didn't help his attitude when the tabloids made it sound so scandalous or, on the other hand, flippant; like it didn't matter. Even when they speculated that she was, in fact, with Kendall, they used terms like "dating". He hated when people couldn't make the distinction between "dating" and "in love". For him, they were extremely different. One didn't hold the same amount of importance and unbending permanence as the other, and dropping the higher to the level of the lower made him feel like he and Sage weren't getting what they had earned and fought tooth and nail for with tears and blood. He wished he could scream to the watchers and the judgers about their relationship, but he was going to have to wait because he promised Gustavo he'd follow the rules he was given. He didn't have to like it, though.

"They spend too much time together. It looks like they're dating," Kendall scrunched his face up in dissatisfaction and began bouncing his leg while chewing on his thumbnail; all of his actions keeping him seated in a lame attempt to be composed and rational when he was anything but.

"They _**are**_ around each other a lot… What do you think they discuss? I can't imagine that Sage finds James' ramblings on hair products or his sex-capades that interesting…" Logan wondered, his countenance stiffening with deep thought.

"I asked him about it once, but then he stole my corndog and I kinda lost track of the conversation," Carlos shrugged and swung around again to look at Sage and James so that all three of them were staring unashamedly at the oblivious duo.

"You'd make a terrible detective," Logan told him teasingly, breaking out of his own ponderings to grin at Carlos.

"Good thing I'm a pop star, then," he bantered easily and smiled brightly at Logan, who chuckled.

"I'm glad you two can have so much fun while I'm suffering," Kendall groaned and tilted his head back to stare up at the high ceiling full of black lighting equipment, wiring, and scaffolding. He lifted his long legs and crossed them on top of the vanity in front of him as if he was trying to relax but failing miserably.

"What's the big deal, dude? Me and Loges hang out with Sage all the time too. I took her to the arcade on our lunch break yesterday. Did you think I was trying to get lucky?" Carlos rolled his eyes at the ridiculous idea, not even waiting for an actual answer while Logan snickered in agreement.

"They're different," Kendall grumbled and jerked his head toward James and Sage, who had settled on the peach tie, but James was still studying the salmon one as if it held some hidden secret or allure that no one would ever know except for the manufacturer. "It's more obvious and direct when one of you are with her because you guys are actually doing something. It's confusing with James. It'd make sense if he was telling her what to wear or taking her shopping, but no. They just _**talk**_. What is that?" Kendall didn't bother keeping his voice as low as it had been, raising it in frustration just enough to get a few turned heads around them but not enough to make the subjects of the discussion pay attention. "They look all intimate…" he added more softly and critically; watching James laugh at something Sage said, and then the boy tugged her into a simple sideways hug, kissing her quickly on the top of her head as he tossed the second tie aside for good.

"Was the word 'intimate' really necessary? It's kind of… extreme…" Logan's eyes widened and he smiled uncomfortably before blowing out a heavy breath between his lips. Carlos jumped in when Kendall's expression just got deeper instead of less concerned.

"Come on, Sage and James as a couple? That's fuckin' hilarious," he giggled and moved his body so that it was straight in his chair, causing the whole thing to sway on its thin legs until he was facing Kendall. "James would never do that to you, and he doesn't want an actual relationship anyway… and Sage loves you, man. She wouldn't even think twice about James romantically."

"So she'd think about it once?" Kendall yelped in an alarm that would have been comical if he was joking, bending forward as if to launch out of his seat only to be stopped when his torso hit his raised thighs. The stumble was enough to make him rethink the move and stay where he was.

"Okay, maybe I said that wrong…" Carlos frowned at his friend's distress and scratched the back of his head for a moment before yanking his fingers away when he remembered that he shouldn't mess with his hair after the stylists had already been all over him for the scheduled interview. He looked to Logan, who had hopped up on the vanity beside Kendall's feet, for help, but the boy was back in his thinking mode; eyes focused somewhere in the distance and most likely not hearing a word he had said in the last few seconds.

"James has been acting different, though…" Logan admitted guardedly, not sure of himself and what he was getting at.

"Thank you!" Kendall motioned his hands towards Logan, glad that he had made him feel not-so-crazy, and he almost let himself honestly smile, but the joy of it was dulled by the topic of conversation.

Logan, however, completely ignored him; knowing that Kendall was thinking illogically and not on the same track as himself.

"He's been sort of… normal… when it comes to dating," he continued referring to James, struggling for the right words to describe their friend's recent changes. "He's, like, actually dating and not just-"

"Fucking?" Carlos offered helpfully, seeming to know exactly what Logan was talking about, while Kendall fell silent again; now looking more perturbed and conflicted than depressed.

"There ya go," Logan nodded agreeably, and both he and Carlos stared back at James, who had struck up a conversation with both Sage and Miranda. He really was behaving differently than they ever remembered in all of their teenage years. Since he lost his virginity, he had made sex about recreation; not about the actual mentality of the relationship that came with physical intimacy but just the pure carnal sensation of it. Now, though, he hadn't brought a girl back home for a one night stand since Rena, and when he did go out on occasional dates none of them had ended in a quick fuck like they usually would have.

"Now that you mention it, since the mishap at Christmas, James hasn't really been angsty. He's been kinda happy," Carlos smiled, but he felt bittersweet about it. It was sad to admit that James being cheery wasn't something he had genuinely been in a long time and that they hadn't seen it because of so many other things happening at once, but Carlos was still glad that it had somehow corrected itself.

"You mean since Sage singlehandedly got him to come back home?" Kendall's eyes were wide and terrified, like he was completing a puzzle that didn't really exist except for in his frazzled and stressed mind.

"Stop it, Kendall!" Logan scolded him with a hiss and smacked the back of his hand against the boy's sneakers on the counter beside him. "Don't talk like that... The tabloids are making you paranoid. Everything's fine. So, take it easy… Just breathe. Sage and James are like siblings, nothing else," Logan spoke slower and softer with an epic amount of sympathy. He and the others knew firsthand how long and difficult of a process it was for Sage and Kendall to physically get back to how they used to be, but now they couldn't freely be together out in the open because they were constantly observed by the public.

It wasn't as if Kendall actually thought that James and Sage were doing something terrible behind his back. Even in his frustrated state, he knew that would be completely absurd because he trusted them with everything he had, but the way it looked, the visual of them side by side, drove Kendall up the wall when he remembered that everyone was watching. There were literally millions of eyes on him and his family, making assumptions and passing judgment. It was nothing like what he had dealt with in the small town of Ramsey when he and Sage had first gotten together and the "new kid" and the "outcast" became the talk of the high school. It almost felt as if people's opinions mattered now. At least that's what everyone, including Gustavo and Kelly, told him all the time.

"You're right," Kendall nodded solemnly. He felt guilty for entertaining the thoughts even for a few moments, but he still couldn't shake the absurd suspicions. It was as if they were crawling around in his brain with no exit in sight.

"Why don't we just ask them what's going on?" Carlos proposed helpfully, a large and comforting smile taking over his features when he thought that he was assisting Kendall with his worry. "They'll tell us what they talk about and then you can stop freaking," he made a move to slip out of his chair with a peppy amount of energy, but Kendall grabbed at the sleeve of his shirt and propelled him back into his seat with a force that made Carlos exhale audibly before he gazed at Kendall in astonishment and then at Logan in confusion.

"No! That would be intrusive and-"

Kendall stopped to swallow a nervous tickle in his throat, along with the wanted words of "a good idea", until he could grin gently and coolly.

"It's stupid. I'm just overreacting because I'm not used to all this fame stuff, but I'll deal. It doesn't matter," he forced a chuckle and pulled his legs off of the vanity and returned to a straighter, more put-together sitting position as if fixing his body first would aid in curing his mood. Logan and Carlos stared at him oddly because, just a few minutes ago, "it" mattered a whole lot, but apparently the significance dissipated when someone actually tried to make his insane fears tangible.

"Are you sure?" Logan inquired skeptically but seemed to be prepared to smile and unwind if Kendall was willing to again.

"Totally… I was having a moment, but I'm good now. Thanks for letting me whine," Kendall smirked and lifted one of his legs back up to tap the bottom of his shoe against Logan's calf while his fist bumped against Carlos' shoulder beside him.

"It's what we're here for, buddy!" Carlos appeared pleased with their efforts, even if he wasn't entirely sure of what was really going on in Kendall's head, and he hopped out of his chair to grab the rider off of the counter where it had been placed by Logan, who was smiling but watching Carlos cautiously when the boy held the important paperwork once again. With the next words out of Kendall's now lively mouth, Logan knew he had a right to be worried.

"Do you think they'd really get us a pony if we wrote it down?"

* * *

Touring was difficult for the family of 2J in some ways and thrilling in others, but mostly just new and exciting. It was a different world, one on wheels and cramped quarters; falling asleep under the lights of one city and waking up in the morning traffic of another. There were moments when everything was vibrant and alive with screaming fans scurrying after them. Then, in other moments, things were calm and quiet when they'd huddle in the bus for the night and speed up and down the highways of the U.S.

Interviews weren't unfamiliar to them to begin with, but now they had reached another level of length and intensity because of the album release and tour. They'd spend long periods of time with people from different publications, sitting around a table at radio stations and standing in front of the cameras for the local news of whatever town they were in. They were on their best behavior, just like they promised Gustavo after he had spent hours upon hours preparing them for what was to come on tour. Sometimes James would flirt too much with a pretty reporter, Carlos would go off in an enthusiastic tangent, Logan would get a bit shy, or Kendall would look perturbed when someone asked about any girls in their lives, but they all covered for each other when it was necessary; James diving in to make a joke about his fondness for females when Kendall nearly took a misstep and looked to Sage standing in the shadows with security while they were being interviewed, or Carlos leaping in cheerfully to help Logan when he got flustered.

Sage was uncomfortable at first with the constant movement and change that came with touring, but it was something they were all dealing with too, so they handled it together. They didn't mean to fall right into the trap of ambiguity when it came to her relationship with the boys in the public eye, but they had to admit that the group of five did end up puzzling some people with how they interacted. Kendall could dodge questions about her or deny that they were together, but he couldn't stop himself from keeping Sage close when they moved through crowds with security around, who were thankfully dressed in black and not uniforms; something that would do more harm to Sage than the natural good and reassurance they should have served. The confusion for onlookers came when any one of the boys would do exactly the same for her if Kendall somehow ended up separated from her on the opposite end of their line. To the watchful people, it was an odd and bewildering sight; five people moving instinctively and fluidly with what looked like little to no conscious thought.

The band and Sage didn't care, though, because it wasn't anyone's business as to what went on between them behind closed doors; on the bus or in the apartment. All they needed to know was that they were a close family. They didn't need to know that Logan had ran therapy for a traumatized Sage and that was why she looked to him first in moments of distress or panic. They didn't need to know that James stared at Sage or whispered to her in those stressful times when he'd feel overwhelmed or had an urge to do something emotionally damaging on a whim. They didn't need to know that Carlos smiled at the girl he considered his sister and pulled her into random hugs just to hear her laugh when she'd get an anxious or withdrawn demeanor only they could spot. They didn't need to know that Kendall held her and squeezed her hand when they'd get close enough as they moved through groups of fans just to feel that she was there because he had experienced her getting brutally ripped out of his life once before and despised any sickening thoughts that it could happen again.

No one needed to know the secrets the family of five kept inside. They were their burden and their warped, unlikely treasure alone.

The guys just focused on enjoying the rush of seeing their names in lights rather than centering on the pressing and probing questions passing people's lips about themselves or Sage. The fans made everything worth it. Gustavo called them crazy, and some genuinely seemed that way, but the majority of them were sweet and kind. The younger ones were adorable, and the older ones freaked out like the boys were some sort of gods among men even though they felt like teenagers, extremely lucky ones but teens nonetheless. A few of the girls closer to their age sent inquisitive, bordering on nasty, stares Sage's way, but they went ignored by all, including the girl herself. Sadly, she was used to being looked at negatively or not looked at whatsoever, but she was just thankful for being there at all; continuously thinking that this life could have very easily not been hers. With a few alterations in the events of her history, she could have still been in Ramsey with Elliot, so a few glares from strangers didn't hold that much importance.

BTR thrived on the road, experiencing life outside of Los Angeles and music outside the walls of the studio. Sage spent her downtime writing or working with the band, which played live behind the guys in their performances, to work out kinks in the set that she learned to detect from the knowledgeable Gustavo. He was right about her being inspired by the tour. Seeing what the boys had been working for, all of the excited fans singing along to their songs and having moments of exhilaration because of the foursome on stage, made Sage want to strive harder and write more to give them all further success in whatever way she was capable of.

James practiced getting to know the dozens of strangers that surrounded him at once, taking a special interest in each of them purely because they honestly wanted to befriend him; not just use him. He figured if they liked him, and saw something worth admiring, then he could work harder to like himself too. His fans gave him more of an incentive to be better, whether they knew it or not.

Carlos did anything fun he could find or was offered because of who they were now, grateful for all of the new opportunities. After a show they did in Minneapolis, where all of BTR's families had driven to see them perform, he invited a few friendly fans and their parents behind the gates of the stage area to join him and others in a water balloon fight on an abnormally spring-like day. He also drew little portraits at signings for the lines of girls and occasional guys, getting compliments and extra smiles for his art.

Kendall's desire to spread his music grew, and he became so comfortable on stage after the first few performances that he had brought out his guitar. His old need to keep that part of his life concealed, the one he had only really shared with Sage, had faded into the back of his mind enough for him to take the next step on his own. He worked with the band between shows to put together an acoustic version of their love song, "Worldwide", that the crowd always responded well to; with screams and smiles and grabby hands while the boys sang softly and harmonized easily like they had practiced for months and months until it became almost as simple as talking.

Logan took in all of his surroundings as they traveled, dragging them to the local sites he looked up on the internet to witness parts of their country that he had only ever seen in books. His favorite part, however, had to have been when they went through North Carolina and he got to visit Patrick and officially meet his wife, Denise. The couple went to the show closest to their hometown and then invited the boys and their entire crew back to their restaurant, shutting it down so that they could enjoy a night of festivities with no watchful eyes. Logan honestly loved it. The others thought he was going to stress out over getting to know the woman his father married and seeing the life Patrick had built for himself after failing in the one he had given Logan, but he was bright and happy when meeting his father's family; a series of caring friends and employees. He was also able to gladly show his father his own family, noticing the commonality in that both of their groups of loved ones were formed not by blood but by their own choices and life's twists and turns, and he was too pleased with what they each had in the end to remain concerned with what went wrong in the past.

They all stayed busy for nearly six weeks, with something new to do as soon as one thing was finished, but the time had flown by, and they only had a few stops left before getting back home. On Kendall's nineteenth birthday, they found themselves in a small Kansas town after the bus needed to make a stop for maintenance. It was nothing terrible enough to drastically throw them off of their schedule, but it did allow them some free time while they waited in a friendly area close to the stadium that they had previously performed in, and they would most likely be spending the night in a hotel, which would be welcomed after many nights on the bus without a change.

Kendall knew the one thing he wanted for his birthday, and he had planned on waiting until they got back to L.A. to get it, but the bus mishap provided the perfect opportunity for him to get it done because Miranda was at the mechanic's shop and not under their feet for every step they took like she usually was when they were in public.

"I should get my tongue pierced while we're here. All new kinds of girls would chase after me if they thought I was a bad boy," Carlos struck a pose similar to a cliché gangster's, his arms crossed and shoulders squared, and he slipped his tongue out as he stared at himself in the mirror behind the counter of displayed piercing rings.

"You couldn't be bad if you pierced every inch of your skin, Carlitos," Logan chuckled and punched his shoulder when Carlos pouted so fast that he had almost forgotten to put his tongue back in his mouth.

"What if I get a tattoo like Kendall?" he suggested hopefully, bouncing on the balls of his feet and ignoring the laughter of the tattoo artist at the counter behind him when Logan's own laughter got louder. Even to a stranger, Carlos' personality was not built for what he was hoping for; he wasn't a badass.

"Your mom would strangle you," Logan grinned and swatted his friend's hands when Carlos reached out to touch a rack of rings he would most likely topple over.

"But I could put it in a place she'd never see it!" Carlos countered smugly, pointing at Logan and straightening his posture proudly.

"Then that ruins the point of getting it to show off to girls," the smart teen declared with a smirk as he flipped through a book of tattoo designs out of curiosity. He had already looked over the health codes and anything else readable belonging to the establishment, a shop with a brightly lit sign located right next to a bar, probably for optimum business when inebriated people would stumble in to make a permanent mistake on their skin after a night of debauchery.

"Stop making sense!" Carlos whined and knocked his shoulder into Logan as he scanned the designs too, already thinking up some of his own; not even for himself but just for the art of it.

"Yeah, Logie, chill out," James chimed in teasingly, showing up behind the pair with a vanilla shake in one hand and a chocolate one in the other that he passed to Carlos.

"You really shouldn't have gone out there alone. You know that you're supposed to take security," Kendall reprimanded James lightly from his seat in the back of the small room. He had been placed in a reclined chair to wait for the tattoo artist to finish the transfer that would be applied to his skin. Sage was in his lap, one of her hands in the hair at the back of his head and the other absentmindedly rubbing at the empty space on her neck. The guy drawing the tattoo, Wes, had taken her necklace from her at Kendall's request so he could copy the exact design of the pendant for the art that would go on the birthday boy's arm.

"It was just an ice cream shop, Kendall, not a shooting range. And, for your information, I did take the guards with me and I bought them all cones. I even splurged for sprinkles," James jerked his thumb towards the window at the front of the quiet store, pointing to their black SUV at the curb where security was snacking, and then he rolled his eyes and sipped on his drink slowly while Carlos slurped on the one he had begged for beside him, taking a step back from the display so he wouldn't make an inevitable mess. Kendall grinned and silently mocked James' snippy retort but sighed in relief afterwards when he knew that his brother had been safe.

They were used to getting too much attention everywhere they went lately, some good and some bad, because of the news of them coming through specific towns and making multiple appearances, but it seemed as if things weren't as intense for the day because they were in a smaller and more secluded area. They were even the only ones in the tattoo parlor. All of the eyes that were placed on them were nerve-racking at first, but James loved it and prepared for it; shining in the spotlight he desired. He didn't do it alone, though, and he didn't want to like he once thought.

He craved companionship throughout the tour and their rise to fame, always pulling one of his bandmates in for a hug in a picture or bringing them into the conversation with a reporter by way of an excited smile and redirected focus. They were all a team, a working unit that relied on each other, and he could feel that importance now. He didn't take it for granted, and a tiny part of him still believed that it could all end in the blink of an eye, but he refused to let that part have control anymore. He wanted to enjoy his life, not constantly fear what may or may not happen in it.

After his mistake, when he hurt his friends by viciously pushing them aside, James had gone out of his way to spend time with all of them. He did little things to show them that he loved them and wanted to stick around for good. He'd cook for Carlos or join him on his stunts even when he thought they ran the risk of harming him bodily as long as the fun outweighed the fear. He hung out with Kendall and had him start teaching him to play the guitar or work on their own songs while Sage was busy with Gustavo. He drove to the library with Logan, which he found boring as hell at first, but then he began to think that it was kind of entertaining if he stayed in the fiction section and didn't go anywhere near the "learning books" that Logan checked out. Sage and James bonded like they always did, with quiet and sometimes taxing conversations in private and then loud ones filled with no-holds-barred banter when they were with their family.

He lived for every second of it. They were different, all five of them, but that was what made it interesting, and it also made him think that he had gone certifiably insane when he thought of ridding them from his life. He needed them. James had believed that he was no one without his career, but, even after experiencing it for only a few days, living his dream without Kendall, Logan, Carlos, and Sage made him feel like less than no one; like he shouldn't have existed at all because it wasn't worth it. He now knew that Sage was right when she said that family makes everything okay.

Love had a certain curing quality that he was still trying to grasp, but he didn't dwell on it. He just focused on relaxing, so much so that he smiled more often. He had almost forgotten what being happy was like, how he had been for a small piece of time at the beginning of their L.A. adventure before Sage, when he hadn't been forced to look at his life and his choices, but, in the end, he'd probably begrudgingly admit that it was worth it. The stress and struggle was worth the outcome, and now he realized what Sage was talking about when she had told him to never give up. She didn't overcome things, she worked with them. She took her negative experiences and tragedies imposed on her and used them to get better and learn who she was, who she wanted to be, and who she turned into recently; all mixing until she found a pleasant balance.

James wanted that. He wanted an effortless balance, not the rocky game he was playing even still. It was going to take time, though. He reminded himself of that daily as precious time literally ticked by. Things didn't just happen if he willed them or avoided them, and he didn't have as much control as he wished he could. He used to think he wasn't much of a planner, that that was just Logan's forte, but he was wrong. James was neurotic when things piled on one after the other, and he was slowly learning to stop making every molehill a mountain when he had barely reached his first peak of an Everest-like climb.

One baby step at a time was what he needed. Too much at once made him crazy, and a crazy James was a dangerous James; harmful to himself and to the people he vowed to never hurt again. He had to stay levelheaded, even when his anxiety and apprehension burned in his chest and told him to panic or run or cope in a self-destructive way. He put all of that negative energy into something more positive; a search for the happiness he hadn't previously noticed he was depriving himself of.

"Maybe we should've left them at the hotel," Sage whispered playfully to Kendall while they watched James and Carlos sip on their ice cream shakes with Logan trying to keep Carlos' condensation-covered hands away from the equipment and supplies around the shop much to the owner's delight. The elderly, burly man sat in the backroom connected to the main floor with his face buried in paperwork, and he glanced up occasionally at the teens to make sure they weren't out of control, but he seemed to enjoy the fact that Logan was doing all the work for him.

James abandoned them to begin chatting up a short brunette girl behind the counter. He was being flirty with her, but his goal was only to get to know her, not to get in her pants, because that was never his objective anymore since he realized how big of an asshole he was acting like by treating women as if they were nothing more than a potential sex partner. However, he couldn't change himself that drastically in a matter of a few months, so he was still agitated about the lack of action he was getting, but he was determined to stay celibate until his outlook on woman and himself improved. Maybe he would even think about having an actual relationship outside of the bedroom one day. Not any day soon, because the thought of that made him jumpy and nervous and ill, but perhaps in the distant future.

"They'd only be causing even more mayhem if we left them alone, and Gustavo said to keep an eye on each other," Kendall smirked and kissed Sage's upper arm, not caring that his lips met the fabric of her shirt instead of her skin. He was just looking for the warmth.

"Ha! Arielle texted me again!" Carlos burst into a fit of giggles, making all of the people in the shop jump as he struggled to swallow his mouthful of chocolate drink when he grabbed his phone out of his pocket when it buzzed. Logan rushed over to take the cup from him, not trusting the grinning boy to text and hold the container of sugary fluid at the same time without some sort of incident Miranda would surely hear about if she got a bill for it later.

"You gotta change your number, Car. She's been trying to get to you ever since we left home," Kendall laughed when Carlos shushed him obnoxiously, with waving fingers and a loud noise, while he read the message again and began typing back furiously.

"No way! I'm not gonna change it until the tour is over. It's too fun telling her that I'm not taking her back every time she begs," Carlos smirked sinisterly, feeling a little like an ass but not dwelling on it too much because he thought that his retribution was well deserved after how his ex-girlfriend had treated him.

When the band was fired, he had gotten nasty text messages from her making snide comments about how he was a failure and she was better than him, which he both didn't agree with and ignored, but then the messages changed their tone after BTR's first concert sold out. They became sweeter, which meant "grosser" to Carlos, and they more often than not suggested a reunion. He'd never do that no matter what, but it was kind of entertaining to watch the once controlling Arielle assume a lower position.

Carlos liked who he had become after her, and he didn't want to go back. It had been a few months since his breakup, and he was more at ease now; focusing on having fun and enjoying who he was and things he liked rather than worrying about what other people thought he should be. He dated casually but was upfront about himself right off the bat and took control in his own way, deciphering the girl's intentions before they even made it to dinner or a movie; deciding to keep a keener eye and a clearer head just to be cautious. Carlos thrived on his innocence and energy, and it made it easy for him to get trampled on, but that was impossible as long as he knew what to look out for instead of being naïve. Despite the turmoil she caused, he counted Arielle as a positive learning experience when all things were considered, and he figured it was better that he had been taught the lesson before he got too far into the Hollywood life, where more people were undoubtedly waiting in the wings to take advantage of him or the others.

"Logan, get your own drink! You told James you didn't want one. Don't change your mind now and steal mine," Carlos frowned immaturely when he finally came back down to earth and looked up from his phone, seizing his chocolate shake from his friend's grasp. Logan just stood there dumbly, unsure of how he was supposed to respond to the sudden outburst when he had been trying to keep the boy's beverage safe in the first place.

"Sorry, Carlos," he sighed heavily, deciding to step out of the scuffle before it even began with the loony boy, and wiped the condensation that the cup left on his palm onto the side of his jeans before going back to flip through the thick binder of designs.

"I forgive you," Carlos slapped him on the shoulder with a chipper countenance and then slurped noisily on his rescued drink after silencing and pocketing his phone once his text of joyous rejection had been sent to Arielle.

"Your band is quite the group," Wes smirked at Kendall and Sage, stopping his work on the teen's transfer for a moment to shift his charcoal-rimmed eyes over to see Carlos and Logan elbowing each other, the smart boy now taking on just as immature of an attitude as his friend.

"Hey, it's part of our gimmick," James declared in mock offense, stopping his conversation with the brunette behind the counter to narrow his eyes at Wes just to watch him squirm before grinning pleasantly and turning back to the employee he was flirting with.

"What other gimmicks you got?" she smiled suggestively and then continued to scroll through the computer in front of her, to finalize appointments the shop had for the next day, while James leaned forward with his cup surrounded by both of his hands and his gaze landing directly on her eyes rather than her chest, something else he was practicing with a bit of reluctance.

"Wait and see," he sipped on his shake and chuckled good-naturedly when the girl snickered and rolled her eyes.

"I think I'm gonna throw up," Kendall joked softly to Sage about the flirtation occurring before them. He wasn't used to having a front row seat at James' adventures. Sage smiled at him and turned in his lap so that her back was against his torso and his arms encircled her waist as they waited for Wes to put the final touches on his design, which kept getting impeded every time James, Carlos, or Logan would open their mouths, but no one was in a rush.

"They're just talking," she ran her fingertips along Kendall's left wrist and dragged them up to his hand, flipping the limb over so that she could survey the inside of his forearm.

The skin was smooth and bare, but it wouldn't be anymore once the tattoo was etched on. The art would be a replica of the "S" and "K" heart pendant he had bought for his girlfriend over two years earlier, but the design was going to be black and simple; a far cry from the shimmering silver that adorned Sage's neck daily but holding the same weight regardless. It would take a while to heal, and they still had a few stops left on the tour until they arrived back in L.A., but Kendall had made his decision, ignoring the others' warnings about an angry Gustavo and settling on wearing nothing but long sleeves until they got home; finding the chilly March weather a good excuse for the coverage.

Kendall's hand morphed into a loose fist at Sage's dismissive words, but she didn't notice. He wouldn't let her because he still felt stupid about having an aversion towards her and James' relationship, knowing that nothing bad was occurring but unable to fully eradicate the stress over it from his mind. Half of him had wanted her to tease James right along with him, not defend him with simplicity, but, then again, Kendall had always wanted them all to become a close family just as they had successfully done, which meant sticking up for one another.

The mental contradiction and paranoia confused him, and he was starting to believe that he had no idea what the hell he really thought or wanted to see or hear anymore. It had been several weeks since his discussion with Logan and Carlos, and, from what they saw, Kendall was fine now. He wasn't, though. He just got better at disguising his fears.

"You'll get your necklace back in just another minute, babe," he smiled through the fog in his head and focused on Sage, the person that felt like the cure for any ailment he had.

Her fingers had stopped tickling his skin and slid up to rub at her neck, her thumb paying special attention to the faded pink scar that felt too exposed with no shiny metal to detract away from it. Kendall reached around to gently tug her hand away and lace her fingers with his as he chose to do what he did best; worry about the others instead of himself.

"You're gonna end up wearing your skin off," he teased softly, kissing the tips of her fingers as he wriggled his body so that he was sitting straighter and higher in the reclined chair with a strong arm holding his girlfriend in place by her waist.

"Sorry," she bit her lip embarrassedly and twisted around so she could see Kendall face to face. "I always feel wrong without it…" he felt her hand make an unconscious effort to move back up to her neck, but he wouldn't let her go.

Instead, he nodded slightly and sighed before bending his head forward and dropping a kiss to the empty space on her clavicle and working his mouth upward, peppering quick kisses along her jugular and up to her jaw until he met her lips. The world, literally everything including the sound of a bickering Logan and Carlos and a flirting James, fell away then like it always did so that it was just them; so that there was absolutely nothing else but the taste of Sage against Kendall's lips and the feeling of her heated palm ghosting over his shoulder while her body pushed that much more against his.

"I miss you…"

The words came out quietly as they pulled apart, but the problem was that he hadn't meant for them to be voiced at all.

"I've been with you every single day…" Sage smiled, but her brow furrowed in concern as her eyes blinked slowly and fondly studied him. She frowned when he didn't respond right away, fumbling for what the appropriate retort should be, and her fingers affectionately traced his cheekbone and down to his chin below his open and struggling mouth.

He knew why he really "missed her". Lately he had felt like she was being taken away or as if he was going to lose her in the shuffle because it wasn't just them anymore. They weren't just a pair, they were part of a group, and that meant so many more unknown variables being added to the mix. Things weren't as simplistic, not that they were completely effortless before, but he thought he had a better grasp on everything when it was just them versus Elliot. Things were more black and white then.

"We haven't had sex in six weeks," he smirked and recovered rather than letting her in on what he was thinking, and his statement wasn't entirely untrue. The tight space and lack of privacy on the tour bus or in shared hotel rooms limited their love making, but the occasional hand up her skirt or down the front of his pants did happen from time to time. They also snuck in one or two blowjobs, which Kendall loved even more than ever before because, in the heat of the intensity that burned between them with a new strength since they had begun having sex again, Sage reminded him constantly that the intimate action was something that Elliot had never gotten from her; that it was just Kendall's and Kendall's alone.

"That's what you've been thinking about?" Sage laughed and dropped her hand down to idly play with the hem of his shirt.

"Yeah," he said it like she was the insane one and grinned, glad to fall into their usual teasing ways and not into the nagging in the back of his head.

Kendall purposely ruined his chances of letting Sage see what he was really feeling by making jokes. He realized that he just backed out of the truth, not because he didn't want her to know, but because he felt like he was being idiotic. He felt foolish and insecure, and he refused to make Sage feel bad just because he did for no concrete reason that he could interpret. The sad part was that, if he just explained it to her, Sage would be there. She'd understand. Kendall wouldn't do it, though, because things were good and he didn't want to be the one to turn them sour by knocking down the first domino in a series of carefully constructed tracks that linked their family of five together.

"I see fame hasn't made you any less straightforward," Sage joked and pressed her lips firmly and slowly onto the corner of his smirking mouth.

"Time is something we shouldn't waste after…" Kendall paused in his response, both because the meaning behind it was depressing and because Wes was strolling over with the transfer for his tattoo, "… everything…" he finished with a strained and sad smile. They both knew that they had lost a year they wanted but could never have back. Sage nodded solemnly but was able to keep a strong smile, something that Kendall had come to admire more than he ever thought imaginable, and Wes dropped down onto the stool beside his chair.

"Here you go, darlin'," he carefully held Sage's necklace out for her to take back, speaking to the girl with a certain charm that Kendall would call flirting if he hadn't seen the redhead treat everyone with the same playful yet cordial attitude since they stepped into the shop. He still felt like glaring at him a little, however, but he refrained from the reflex; too focused on watching Sage's delicate fingers move so eagerly that they fumbled to make the clasp unhook and connect again behind her neck beneath her hair. Kendall wasn't even sure that she registered Wes speaking at all once her treasured pendant had crossed her vision. "You ready to get started?" The artist wheeled closer to his client and gestured for Kendall to give him his wrist.

"Is it alright if she stays?" he inquired, tightening his free arm around Sage's waist.

"Sure… You afraid of pain?" Wes grinned as he slid his hands into a fresh pair of gloves and ripped the seal on a new disposable razor.

"No, not your kind," Kendall retorted faintly and turned to find Sage twirling her jewelry with one hand in a nervous habit that worked to calm her, and her other hand was gently rubbing the back of Kendall's at her hip. Wes' grin faded into a soft smile as if he understood, and maybe he did as much as a stranger could; gaining experience from entering a career that made it his job to memorialize the past permanently on the body.

"We can watch, right?" Carlos suddenly showed up with Logan and James flanking him, all of them staring down at Kendall's arm like the tattoo would just appear.

"Yeah, as long as you don't touch… anything," Wes gathered a few supplies to wipe down Kendall's forearm and then shaved the area he'd be working on, keeping a special eye on Carlos. It had only taken him a few minutes of BTR being in the shop to know that the Latino was the most physically reckless.

"I'll keep a leash on him," Logan saluted the artist and forced Carlos to take a couple of steps back to give Wes some breathing room and to keep the boy's chocolate drink away from the equipment.

"I'm not a dog," Carlos pouted but obeyed Logan's silent orders by shuffling until he was leaning against the wall across from Kendall's chair.

"Prove it by behaving," Logan pressed his body into the spot right beside him so that they were even, an unspoken camaraderie between them despite their harmless jeering. Carlos smiled again and held his drink out for his brother to share.

"Is it gonna hurt?" James found another stool and wheeled up to Sage's side, looking past her to Kendall's outstretched arm as he sucked on his straw. He was really close to Sage, and Kendall wasn't sure he liked it, but then he felt guilty for even thinking such a thing; ignoring the pit forming in his stomach.

"No, James. It's gonna feel like a massage," Sage poked his chest playfully, but never took her other hand off of her pendant, and then settled back against Kendall.

"It won't be pleasant, but he'll get over it," Wes chuckled and applied the grayish blue transfer onto Kendall, who watched on indifferently. The idea of pain didn't bother him.

He'd been hurt in hockey and childhood roughhousing, earning him bruises and broken bones, which were also the case when Elliot and Scott beat him to a pulp, but the significance of the process of his tattoo, the stinging pain of breaking skin, was not lost on him. He thought it must be at least an ounce of what Sage felt when Elliot sliced her perfect flesh, and that was enough to make Kendall embrace the discomfort; make him even value it as a chance to connect with her past even if she didn't know it.

The position he had chosen for his tattoo also held a vast amount of significance for him. It wasn't placed over his heart, like where his girlfriend's matching pendant resided, but it was on the inside of his left forearm instead; near his wrist. It was the same spot that Sage had used to threaten her own life to save it for him and for them; where she tore herself open to prove she wanted to be free and to acquire her that very freedom she craved by risking absolutely everything.

Sage carried her scar, and Kendall wanted one too. Sometimes he liked to think that he knew exactly what Sage went through in her time with Elliot due to the fact that he was privy to so many of the sickening and infuriating details and because he really wanted to know, wanted to be involved, but the truth was that he didn't. He could never rewind time to see everything for himself, to save Sage before she even had to live a single second of it, no matter how hard he prayed for the power to do so. He would stay silent about that protective and unfeasible need, though, because that was his cross to bear.

* * *

The bus was only a few hours outside of L.A. when Sage decided to climb out of her and Kendall's bunk. Her boyfriend was sleeping soundly, having had his last concert of the tour in Vegas late into the night before. The sky was still dark, and the sun wouldn't rise until they made it home to the Palm Woods, so she should have still been sleeping beneath Kendall's arm and half on top of him, but noises coming from the main area of the bus had jolted her awake. She had a pretty easy switch between slumber and unrest when they moved up and down the highways at night. The idea of sleeping in one city and finding herself in another by morning unsettled her if she thought about it too much. There were times in her past when she was sure that Elliot was going to force her to the east coast with him in the dead of night.

Sage slid away from Kendall and squinted through the dark up at the bunk above hers to see Carlos' curtain shut securely and heard gentle, breathy sounds seeping through the hum of the wheels grinding against the pavement beneath the bus, and she turned to find Logan's bunk closed as well. James', however, was unoccupied, and the noises that had stirred her awake continued; faint explosions and the occasional mumbled curse coming from the front of the vehicle.

Yawning softly and stretching her arms over her head in the tight gap between their shared sleeping quarters, Sage inched forward carefully in the darkness until the area in front of her was illuminated by a vibrant blue tint and the occasional yellow glow of a streetlight shining through the large window in the living space of the bus. Every ray of light reflected off of unmoving surfaces, the dining table and the small kitchen counter, but there was movement on the couch in front of the television set into the wall where James' fingers were tapping rapidly over the buttons of a game controller and his arms swayed with vigor as he attempted to kill the opposing army on the screen in some video game that the boys had gotten addicted to lately.

"Are you winning against yourself?" Sage grinned tiredly at James and yanked off a hair tie she had on her wrist so she could gather her locks high behind her head. The boy jumped and glared at her presence obstinately when the slight scare caused his player to die in a hail of low-volume gunfire.

"I was," he rolled his eyes but cracked a smirk when she finished putting her hair into a ponytail, and he scooted to one side of the couch and patted the empty space.

"It's late. Why aren't you asleep?" Sage wondered cautiously, staring at him as if she could see inside his head even though she hadn't fully managed the task after weeks and weeks of trying. She was getting better, but she still couldn't see some of the things he insisted on keeping to himself for the time being. "You're not on drugs, are you?" she teased lightly just to get a smile as he restarted his game and moved strategically around the battlefield, but his appearance didn't change at all. His face remained stagnant, only blinking twice as he tugged one of his legs up towards his chest and rested his elbow on it so that he held his controller at an odd angle that Sage thought would impede his gameplay but didn't seem to faze him in the least.

"Nope, completely sober," his eyes shifted towards her for a quick second, but then they went back to his game. The shadows were heavy over the side of his face but they didn't make his clenched jaw as indecipherable as he had hoped.

"Good," Sage nodded and stifled another yawn when she settled back into the couch and focused on the television to watch several soldiers take their last breath as James set off a grenade while he slumped and sighed at her response. She wasn't sure if he wanted her to try to get him to say more after his simple answer or if she was supposed to let him initiate the talking, so she figured she'd wait it out. James always came through in the end.

"Can we talk?"

There it was.

"Of course, I've got nothing better to do," Sage smiled gently and turned to him, expecting the game's noises to stop but not hearing any ceasefire as he mumbled.

"I'm kinda nervous about going home…" he admitted without looking at her, knowing that she was gazing right at him. It made her stomach start to twist into a knot. James had become proficient at explaining himself to her and going to her with minor problems in their months of companionship, but there was always something bigger going on when he couldn't look her in the eye. It meant that it wasn't just a slip up he was confessing, like letting a girl give him a blowjob instead of taking her on a date or him thinking about going out to have a drink and getting said girl to do more.

"Why? There's gonna be more tours... Your career is just starting. With a bang, I might add," Sage ignored the twist in her stomach and kept the mood light instead, pointing out how quickly BTR had risen to fame. It was a sure way to make James more comfortable when starting a conversation she knew he was anxious about.

"I'm not worried about that… Well, not too much," James finally glanced away from the screen to grin at her before selecting which rifle he wanted to use in his next round of battle. "I like being here on the bus with you and the guys… It's safe," he shrugged, and his clenched jaw and agitated hazel eyes returned; the shadows over his cheekbones shifted with the minute movement enough for Sage to detect only because she was watching.

"Safe from what?" she spun in her seat so that her back was against the arm of the sofa and she was looking at James as she verbally pushed him. She knew he needed it. Without a shove, he'd happily keep his feet glued to the same spot and never move forward.

"People," James' face scrunched up and his voice lowered in distress.

"What does 'people' mean when you say it like that?" Sage chuckled softly and lowered her curled legs so that one slid off of the couch and the other fell between her and James.

"Nothing… You know, other human beings," he cleared his throat and began retreating, not physically but mentally, and Sage knew she was getting close to the reason he was acting strange.

"Who are you talking about, James?" she sighed and stared intently at him, enough for him to feel it and turn his head towards her.

"I don't think I wanna be around Camille…" he whispered, and she wasn't sure if he actually meant to or if he just couldn't make the admission any louder.

"But you guys are really close. You hang out all the time… I don't understand why you wouldn't want to be around her now," Sage wasn't getting it, and that exhausted James because he had thought it was obvious, but then, in retrospect, he was glad it wasn't that apparent to the naked eye.

"I have a crush on her," he mumbled and snapped his head back to the television so fast that he got dizzy.

"James!" Sage gasped too loudly and they both froze. James paused his game and they leaned to the side to see down the aisle where the others were sleeping, expecting someone to pop their head out, but there was no sound or movement other than the traffic of pre-sunrise commuters beyond the tinted windows and the distant tune of the radio that the driver was listening to in the front that hadn't been audible until the virtual battleground was silenced.

"It's not a big deal!" James hissed lowly and squeezed the controller in his hand but didn't resume the game as he stared at Sage with pleading eyes; pleading for what he wasn't all that sure of yet.

"It sounds like a really big one to me! You're in love with your brother's girlfriend!" Sage struggled to whisper but managed.

"Hey, whoa!" James looked offended at that and almost raised his voice in alarm and irritation. "No one said anything about love, okay? I said _**crush**_, and I don't even know what that fuckin' means… I've never had one before you pushed me into becoming a nicer person!" he pointed an accusing finger at Sage, acting as if he hadn't made all his own decisions and looking for someone to blame when things got too intense.

"Alright, sorry…" Sage breathed calmly and held her hands up in surrender, noticing that one of James' was still gripping the controller tightly. "This has been going on since Christmas, hasn't it?" she guessed in a daze, connecting all the lonesome dots she had left over after making so many other James-related pictures in her head.

She was inwardly kicking herself for not seeing it before; the way James tensed at watching Logan and Camille behave lovingly and how he had seemed shocked and off when he heard the couple had consummated their relationship. Sage felt like it was her job to look out for him in whatever capacity she could manage ever since she promised him that she would, and she hated herself for being blind to the real problem. On the other hand, James was a professional runner, and she wasn't sure it would have even been possible to see his affection towards Camille if he hadn't told her himself. It had to happen on his own terms.

"Yeah, that's when I started noticing it… Then all the shit hit the fan and I got distracted, but now we're going back, and things are supposed to be normal again… I don't wanna ruin it…" James' eyes shifted to her before tilting up and back along with his head so he could stare out the window; seeing that there wasn't much to take in other than the dark sky and the lights of passing cars and streetlamps.

"I'm… I'm kinda freaking out. I feel like this is one of those things I should tell Kendall…" Sage spoke, looking upset and worried.

"No!" James whispered harshly and shook his head, looking less irritated and more scared. "Then he'll tell Logan. If one of them knows, _**all**_ of them know," he huffed and fiddled with the controls beneath his thumb, causing a melodic ping to echo in their ears as he scrolled randomly through the "Start" menu on the screen. "I swear it's fine… It's not a major thing… Cam is just kind of different, I guess, but I'm not dying to get her or anything. I just… I like her more than I like the general female population," he grinned weakly when Sage softly laughed at his explanation, sounding like something only he could say. "I, uh, respect her the way I respect you, which is strange because I don't consider her my sister, but I like her anyway… I like talking to her and spending time with her, helping her with scripts, and I never even think about having sex with her, and that's a whole new level of terrifying in itself because liking a girl and not thinking about getting up her skirt just doesn't usually go hand in hand for me."

James bit his lip, and all of his muscles appeared tense and rigid with anxiety and confusion. The old James Diamond would have dismissed his concerns and acted first, worrying about the consequences only when they were dumped onto his lap, but now he was determined to think more carefully about everything. The downside, the part that he grappled with, was that thinking led to acknowledging feelings, and feelings petrified him almost more than anything else. They were risky and panic-inducing if he wasn't ignoring them, but talking to Sage made things a little easier.

"This mental crap is all new to me. I need you to help me make sure that I'm not awkward around Camille when we get home. Just look out for me like you always do," James smiled at Sage and reached out to squeeze her hand gently before turning back to his game, once again not resuming it quite yet.

He was more open with Sage, but he still wouldn't admit certain things to her that he couldn't even admit to himself. He couldn't admit that he actually missed Camille while they were on tour. Being away from her for several weeks straight made him realize that he liked having her around in his life almost as much as he liked the others being there, and he had to figure out why that was; what purpose she served to him. For now, the lively actress was in a special, new gray area of his mind; the one he reserved for conflicting topics he had no answers for. It was also the area where he piled the stuff he didn't want to deal with, things Sage couldn't get at no matter how much she pressed because he didn't even want to acknowledge that they existed at all.

"James, it's not that easy," Sage appeared frazzled but somewhat relaxed, like she was calming down and attempting to take everything in without letting a new kind of anxiety, a stressful one, have her.

"Sure it is," James countered simply and collectedly, already set on handling things rationally rather than engaging in his trusty and characteristic dramatics. "I'm not gonna try to sweep in and steal her from Logie or some crazy shit. I just wanted to tell someone and share my thoughts…" he trailed off and his smile grew slowly but surely until he looked as smug as she remembered he could be, but at least it was a warranted and proud smug. "I'm really improving, aren't I?"

"Yes, you are," Sage agreed and exhaustedly dropped her head onto the back of the couch. James could have avoided this entirely and chosen not to share at all, but she still wished that he'd speak about it some more. She would take what she could get for now, though; baby steps.

"Why are you letting me keep you up? You should be asleep with Kendall…" James suddenly pouted and felt selfish, nervously fiddling with the controls again so that there was a constant soft tune from the game's menu as the cursor went aimlessly over the options and he watched Sage.

"I was fine until I heard gunshots," Sage smirked playfully and tapped her foot against James' thigh near the controller.

"It wasn't that loud," James argued childishly, but she continued anyway.

"And then I couldn't get back to sleep because it still feels weird laying on Kendall's right. I always sleep on his left…"

After the tattoo, she had to be careful near his arm, and that was hard to do in their small bunk without her worrying about hurting him. Kendall insisted he was fine, but Sage was always cautious about causing him harm. According to her, it was a nice change of pace because he was usually the one treating her like glass.

Sage grimaced when she caught James staring at her with an annoying smirk and a quirked brow, his countenance no longer troubled and his fingers no longer working nervously at the controls.

"What?" she looked offended but fought not to smile anyway.

"You two are totally married and it's disgustingly sweet," he made kissy faces at her and attempted a move to poke her cheek, but she swatted him away with clenched teeth as she tried to hold in her laughter.

"Shut up," she mumbled sullenly, pretending to be more hurt than she was. James just chuckled softly and rolled his eyes.

"Come on, sis. If you're not gonna sleep either, then at least play video games with me until the sun rises. All the cool kids are doing it," he smirked and blinked tiredly. He really should have rested, but she knew he couldn't if he was too stressed. When James got in a mood, he found it detrimental for him to stay inside of his own head, and the quiet only made him feel like climbing up the walls. Being on the bus didn't help either at times like those; little air and little room.

Sage complied with a short tilt of her head and turned around so that she was facing the television as James leaned forward to grab a controller for her to use. They played for a few minutes in silence, only hearing the faint sounds of explosions and gunfire. Sage fumbled with the controls for a bit, but then she picked the basics up quickly; her fingers made to move fast after playing the piano for so many years. Her opponent was still far better, though; accumulating more kills with precision and strategy.

James had the mind of a warrior sometimes.

"Maybe you should talk to Logan about it…" Sage whispered after the first couple of rounds without looking her brother's way. She had promised not to tell his secrets unless they could hurt him or the others, and there was definitely danger in what he had confessed just moments earlier, but she wasn't sure that it was the kind that warranted her running to the rest of the group because, like James had said, he wasn't going to act on his confusing feelings for Camille. He just wanted to admit that he had them.

James kept his answer simple and quiet, using almost a depressed and shaky tone as his player on the screen missed one of his first easy kills of the night when his fingers jerked uneasily.

"No."

Other times, James had the mind of a coward.

Sage didn't push any further because she could relate to each of those mindsets. She had been in the thick of both epic weakness and blind courage before too, and it took her a long time to figure out which one she wanted to embrace more.

* * *

"Where are the others?" Logan entered 2J and shut the door soundly behind him, locking it for good measure. He stared curiously at James, who was sitting at the kitchen counter, and scanned the too-quiet apartment.

They had just gotten back early that morning, and, after a busy day of settling in and meeting with Gustavo and Kelly to get their new agendas now that the tour was complete, he had expected more liveliness at home by the time evening had come around.

"Carlos hauled his ass upstairs after dinner. He missed his bed," James chuckled and sipped on his cup of cocoa slowly, swallowing with a wince when he realized how hot it still was. "And Kendall and Sage are finishing unpacking in their room," he grimaced at his mug and slid it as far away as possible, eliciting gentle laughter from Logan as he crossed in front of him to get to the fridge. Opting out of his drink, James chose to dive into his snack; a plastic-wrapped brownie. He ripped at the packaging noisily, and Logan turned with a raised brow and a smirk.

"Isn't that Kendall's? I thought you ate all of yours…" he stuck his head in the fridge to root around the mostly empty space, having had dumped almost everything out before the tour, and came up with a cold bottle of water.

"I did, but he won't notice if it's gone. One man cannot eat that much sugar, not even Carlos," James grinned with a sliver of the brownie wrapper between his teeth and pointed to the corner behind him near the couch. There were dozens of "happy birthday" goodies that fans had given Kendall in their last leg of the tour stacked on the table along with other keepsakes from their trip. The rest of the boys had gotten their own treats earlier on at random times, but most of that had been eaten already on the bus.

"It's probably enough to fill a legitimate bakery," Logan concurred, slamming the refrigerator door shut and twisting the cap of his water off. "We need to go shopping tomorrow or we're gonna starve," he began drinking as he moved his eyes around the too-bare kitchen.

"Here. Have a cookie!" James smiled good-naturedly and tossed an individually wrapped cookie across the counter, coming from a smaller pile of treats he had made where the empty fruit basket had been.

Logan glared when the sudden assault had almost caused him to choke on his water and spill it all over the floor, but then he successfully swallowed the cold liquid and let James off the hook with narrowed eyes. He clutched the cookie to his chest and set his bottle down on the counter while he tore through the plastic on the baked good. It was half the size of his head, covered in chocolate frosting, sprinkles, and a crudely tied bow. He smiled as he untangled the ribbon, his good memory allowing him to recall the exact eight-year-old girl who had given the box of cookies to Sage with a shy smile towards the band; unable to actually work up the courage to say hello to anyone other than the "pretty friend" of the boys.

"Did you and Camille have a nice dinner?" James asked conversationally, completely denying any awkward sensations that settled over him in the face of discussing the girl he recently deemed a crush; whatever the hell that really meant to him. He had the emotional capacity of a young child afraid of cooties when it came to relationships that didn't just involve sex. Feeling anxious and frightened on the inside were just about the only things he could think of doing when it came to Camille, and, on the outside, he was determined to play it cool and not let it get in the way of their lives.

"Yeah, it was great seeing her again," Logan smiled distractedly and then triumphantly when he got the bow loose on the cookie in his hands, not too focused on the discussion until he had his dessert in his sights. He and his girlfriend had eaten together in her apartment, reuniting when she finally had the time. Big Time Rush had gotten into town extremely early in the morning, but she was already on the set for her movie and she didn't have an opportunity to see Logan until the evening.

"And you didn't stay?" James wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, falling right into the role of supportive-but-inappropriately-funny-brother without missing a beat

Logan laughed softly at his conspiratorial face, but then his own features went blank and stoic as he ripped the cookie in half and contemplated things that James wasn't sure he'd ever understand. Logan's brain was a gigantic place.

"No, I guess we didn't- I… I'm still kinda tired and Cam said she had an early breakfast meeting with some of her castmates in the morning. We're both busy. I didn't even consider spending the night," Logan chewed on his snack slowly, choosing to look at the wall rather than James. That always meant he was thinking intensely.

"What's wrong, Logie?" James swallowed the tickle forming in his throat, unsure if this was the type of conversation he should waltz right into but unwilling to turn back nonetheless. He grabbed his cocoa and took a heavy gulp, not caring that it was still a little too hot.

"I don't know… I think things are a bit different between me and Camille, maybe too easy and simple, after we broke up once," Logan rubbed the pad of his finger along the rainbow-colored sprinkles on top of the cookie thoughtfully as he remembered their necessary split at Christmas time. It had only lasted less than a full minute, but they had technically gone through the motions of a breakup. "We were sad, but I didn't feel like my world was ending as much as I did when the band was let go or when I thought about being separated from you guys, and she even smiled at me, like she believed that we could be okay apart… And now we're back together, and I- We're just good, not intense or anything… Just good," he spoke and broke off another piece of cookie to eat casually like he wasn't frying James' brain with all of this information.

"Why are you making 'good' sound like a bad thing?" James wondered skeptically, running his tongue along the roof of his mouth when the heat of the cocoa wouldn't fade fast enough.

"I'm not! Good is a good thing…" Logan stubbornly countered as if James had tripped him or poked at some imaginary wound, "… isn't it?" he added more apprehensively, looking at James like he held all the secrets to romance; only making the boy literally shrink down in his stool across the counter from Logan, who didn't notice and kept talking. "I mean, is it normal to reach a plateau after this many months? We only _**almost**_ said 'I love you' to each other after we first slept together, and then we backed off because everything with the band and her movie was happening so fast…"

"I'm really the wrong guy to ask these types of things…" James smiled restlessly, but he didn't make a move to leave. He was trying his damnedest to be there for Logan because, no matter what, he was his brother first and he needed to support him.

"Actually, you're perfect because you've never been in a relationship before, but you certainly know a lot about them," Logan smirked pleasantly and wiped his fingers clean over the counter after finishing off half of the cookie. James shrugged sheepishly in response. Logan read it as an attempt at modesty but James just felt uncomfortable because he knew that he wasn't getting out of this discussion until Logan was done unless he did or said something stupid and ran off.

So, James steadied himself in his seat and took another huge bite of brownie to keep his mouth full as Logan obliviously chattered on.

"I know we can't all be like Kendall and Sage. When they walk into a room and see one another, they get all…" he made a goofy face, one of dramatic joy that James would have snickered at if he wasn't trying to stuff more calories down his throat while simultaneously refusing to feel nauseous. "Shouldn't Camille and I have at least a _**little**_ of that, though?" Logan pressed his lips together pensively as he bent down to dig a plastic baggie out of the cabinet beneath his feet to store the rest of the cookie in.

The boy was absolutely calm, ignorant of James' reactions, but that actually made James grateful because he had no idea what he looked like at the moment. He felt like stone but was sure that his eyes were shifting even though he wasn't seeing anything except for the countertop beneath his last few bits of brownie. Logan seemed so nonchalant about the entire exchange, and James felt weird being the one overly concerned and panicky about the couple. He was supposed to be the unemotional family member, and the role reversal was giving him an ulcer.

"I'm not sure what to tell you, Loges… You guys make a great pair, and if there's nothing really wrong, then…" James trailed off at that, keeping things simple in fear of saying something ridiculous.

"You're right. I'm probably hurting my head over nothing," Logan grinned and tossed the cookie bag onto the pile of treats James had beside him.

"Like usual." James was pleased with himself for landing the well-timed quip that Logan was obviously expecting. His friend glared playfully, like he enjoyed it, and that only made James feel queasier.

"If I get too worried about it, then I'll just talk to Cam," Logan quirked his shoulder and picked up his water bottle. He may have been confused, but he wasn't scared. Logan had done a lot of growing up, and he was no longer the frightened kid he used to be. He never enjoyed feeling like that, so now he strived to remain composed and rational. "Thanks for letting me rant to you, Jamie," he smiled fondly and held his fist out to bump against his brother's.

James lifted his arm, expecting it to be shaking uncontrollably, but it looked as solid as a rock, and it was beginning to scare him how good of a liar he was even when he didn't intentionally try.

"Any time, man," James genuinely meant it. He felt ill and anxious, but if Logan needed him and wanted to talk, he'd suck it up. He'd always be there.

"I'm gonna head off to bed. Gustavo's got us doing a session with Mr. X before lunch tomorrow and I think I'm already feeling the pain," Logan joked and fiddled with his water bottle as he walked away, producing a sloshing sound that reminded James he was still in the room enough to make him look up at the retreating boy.

"Goodnight…" James watched his hand rise in a short wave before Logan disappeared beneath the balcony and towards the stairs.

It was only another second before he heard Logan run into Kendall and Sage, softly bidding them goodnight too.

"Sage! Gotta talk to Sage…" James whispered to himself, all but tumbling off of his stool until his feet hit the hardwood floor and supported his wobbly legs.

He thought he had been okay on the bus when he first told his confidant about his crush, but then Logan spilled his obnoxiously calm guts about his relationship as if there was something wrong with it; as if he and Camille could breakup. James' mind was racing with irregular guilt and a dash of hope, which had that very guilt burning even hotter in the pit of his stomach. He had to talk to Sage because feelings of helplessness mixed with dangerous thoughts usually led him to destruction, and he was desperately trying not to be that guy anymore.

James cursed to himself as he rushed to her. He had been behaving so well lately, but, of course, as soon as he got past one thing, there was another blow waiting to be delivered to him by the universe. It was official; life sucked, and he was still attempting to figure out how people enjoyed it without killing themselves in the end.

"No morbid thoughts, James…" he mumbled heatedly and then planted a happy smile on when Kendall and Sage met him half way as they walked into the dining area. "Sage! Hi! Can I talk to you?" The smile actually stung, or maybe that was just his imagination. Either way, he wanted it to stop.

"Now? We were gonna go to bed… together…" Kendall glared at him warily and tightened his arm around his girlfriend as he looked oddly at James, who didn't even notice the scrutiny because he was too busy having a mental freak out.

"Please? It'll only be ten minutes, tops. It's important. I need her girly help with a d-date I have t-tomorrow," James stumbled through his explanation but hoped that it sounded legit.

"What date? We just got back from the tour," Kendall raised his brow, and James felt like the boy's green eyes were scorching his paling skin.

"Um, it was a girl I met before we left. I told Sage about her last night on the bus…" he gave the pair a tight grin but stared urgently at Sage.

"Wha- Oh!" she exclaimed in surprise before clearing her throat to cover it up, putting together the hints that James was dropping about Camille. She knew he wouldn't be putting on such a show if it wasn't serious. "Kendall… this is kinda important, but it _**can**_ wait until morning if you want," she gazed sideways at James, silently telling him to calm down, and then back up to Kendall; looking right at him like he was all that existed.

That reassurance was the only reason he gave in.

"No, you two talk… I'll see you in a few minutes," he made himself sound chipper even though he still wasn't thrilled about how much alone time Sage and James spent together, but he refused to entertain the insane notions.

"I love you," Sage leaned up to kiss him gently, smoothing her palm over his chest and the side of his neck before pulling away.

"I also love you," James jumped in enthusiastically, grinning from ear to ear at Kendall, causing the boy to chuckle and feel bad for being upset with James just because of his own paranoia.

"Love you too," Kendall said it to Sage, but James smiled brightly anyway, and he rolled his eyes and kissed Sage again quickly.

"You're okay, right?" she inquired abruptly, her cheerful expression faltering a little as she watched him. Kendall's mouth opened and shut quickly, unaware of how his face must have looked as he struggled with his thoughts about her and James. He straightened up and convinced himself to seem peaceful.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" he forced a smirk as he blew yet another chance to tell her the truth.

"Just wondering…" she appeared concerned but didn't push him anymore, she just rubbed her thumb affectionately along his cheekbone as she kissed the spot right below it; getting a genuine smile out of him.

"You lovebirds are awesome and all, but the sooner I talk to Sage, the sooner you can have her back," James grabbed her hand eagerly, his legs already bouncing in an antsy manner as he waited for the go-ahead.

Kendall nodded dismissively and waved them off, and it didn't even take James a second to begin tugging Sage halfway down the hall. She stopped for a moment, grinning once more at Kendall before James jerked her backwards and into his room. When Kendall turned around, he could already hear his brother chatting way too fast for him to understand. He sighed loudly and walked into the kitchen, dutifully cleaning up James' leftover cup and brownie crumbs on the counter; blindly dumping all of the contents into the sink as he listened to more muffled conversing between his girlfriend and James when all he wanted to do was have Sage in their own bed after six weeks of traveling.

Kendall just rinsed his hands and opened the fridge to get a drink because, like with everything else, he was determined to not let it bother him.

* * *

**A/N: So… half of you are going to end up hating me for these developments and the other half may love me lol Let's officially start the Lomille vs. Jamille battle lol I'll just say that this has all been planned and foreshadowed… Yeah, I'll just let you see what happens next lol I'm personally excited for it, and I hope the majority of you are too :D **

**and THANK YOU for all of the sweet anon reviews and messages last week when I, unfortunately, couldn't post :) They meant a lot :D  
**

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this chapter :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I appreciate any feedback and I love meeting fellow readers/fans of BTR. Don't be shy :) **

**As always, I'll see you all next Saturday :)**


	50. Big Time Anniversary

**A/N: I am VERY sorry that this is a day late. As an aftermath to Hurricane Irene, which hit my area pretty directly (NJ), I've been having internet connectivity issues. It was on and off and on and off all week for short periods of time, but yesterday in the midafternoon, it went out completely (I believe to work on an external issue caused by the storm- because I now have it back about more than 24 hours later… Thank god…)**

******Thank you all for the worried messages :) They were much appreciated, and I'm sorry for concerning you :)**

**Anyway, here is the chapter :) and I hope you all enjoy it along with your long weekend- for those who have it :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 50: BIG TIME ANNIVERSARY_

* * *

"When can I tell people that me and Sage are together? I'm tired of this shit!" Kendall yelled at Gustavo and slammed a tabloid onto his desk, making the producer stare up at the boy with a mix of interest and irritation because of the sudden, bold movement.

Kendall had honestly been okay since his first initial paranoia when it came to the world hypothesizing about Sage's romantic involvement with the band. Well, he was okay with stuffing it down until he could hardly hear all of the doubts and worries poking at his brain. They became this foggy, dull annoyance that only stirred up when he watched James and Sage converse, but today was different due to the importance of the date. The last thing Kendall wanted to see on his and Sage's anniversary was her and James on the cover of a rumor-filled magazine, sitting in Palm Woods Park and leaning close as they spoke seriously; the picture screaming a tone of intensity and intimacy for anyone who didn't really know them, which was every single reader besides Kendall, but even he analyzed it the wrong way as soon as it crossed his vision.

When his eyes caught sight of the periodical, it was as if his fortified mental barrier turned to cotton; letting things he had forced himself to forget seep through and contaminate the rest of him until he transformed into an angered, jealous mess; stomach churning, head throbbing, and palms sweating. He didn't let Sage or the others see, of course, because then that would make his behaviors and attitude real in ways he was resisting. He wanted to believe it was just a fluke; something he could deal with on his own. So, when he, Sage, Logan, Carlos, and James were out on their lunch break, which was 3pm Gustavo-time instead of noon-ish average-person-time, Kendall had put on a happy face and bought the magazine "out of fun" and practically skipped all the way back to Rocque Records. He wrapped his arm around Sage with a smile as they got out of the car, he rode up the elevator with an even bigger and forced smile, and he continued his false cheer while making an excuse to discuss something in private with Gustavo before getting back to work, but his countenance completely diminished as soon as he was away from the group, and he wasn't sure that he was going to be able to paint the happiness back on once he scrubbed it off.

Over four months had passed since the fears began to bubble up within him, and he was doing genuinely well after he decided that he was going to ignore those negative feelings. He would even go as far as to say that he was proud of himself for how easily he could push things away as long as he wasn't met with certain triggers. He had been stubbornly determined to discount his irrationality, but it had gotten tougher before he really knew what was happening.

Big Time Rush had local gigs, interviews, and they filmed their first music video in their months after the tour. Now that they were off the road for a bit, it was as if the hype heightened because people weren't being provided with constant pictures and daily news on their locations and activities. The paparazzi were around more often, and that made the pressure heavier on them all. Arthur Griffin, however, loved the confusion and interest in the band's personal lives. Merchandise sales went up right along with the media buzz the more Sage and the boys stepped out into the spotlight. It was made even better by how silent Sage remained in the public eye. It fed the frenzied followers even though she was just trying to avoid confrontation and prying, verbal inquires.

"First of all, watch your tone. Second, you know that you're not allowed to tell people about you and Blondie until I get the go-ahead from Griffin. My hands are tied," Gustavo shrugged, leaning back in his chair and curiously snatching up the magazine to flip through it.

He always found the tabloids amusing when they involved his bands. Kendall wasn't laughing, though. He was still standing on the other side of the desk and fuming. His blood was pumping so loudly that Gustavo thought he could hear it, and his stance of defiance was almost enough to rile the producer up and start a screaming match, one of his and Kendall's favorite pastimes when it came to serious disagreements, but he was too comfortable in his leather seat.

"And pull your sleeves down. I told you to keep that dumb art covered. If you can't follow the rules, then I'll have Kelly put make-up on it to hide it _**for**_ you," Gustavo stared over the magazine and watched Kendall, who glared at him and then at the rolled-up sleeves of his shirt before crossing his arms insolently. The producer huffed and looked to Kelly for assistance as she typed on her phone beside him.

"What do you want me to do? Talk to him," she hissed exasperatedly.

"He makes my blood pressure go up," Gustavo whined, tossing the tabloid back down onto his desk.

"I'm standing right here!" Kendall yelled again, seemingly unable to bring his volume to a tolerable level that wouldn't cause Gustavo to feel the need to rub his temples. "And I don't wanna hide my tattoo anymore. I like it. It's important to me," he almost softened as he glanced at the black design on the inside of his forearm.

"But a heart surrounding an "SK" kinda gives away you and Sage…" Kelly grinned warily, expecting Kendall to smile or do something at least a bit pleasant because he usually had a positive and cordial demeanor with her, but his face only got darker.

"Good. I want people to know," Kendall squeezed his arms closer to his body as if it would solidify his already strong stance even more.

"What isn't he understanding about 'not allowed'?" Gustavo turned to Kelly for the answer, tired of dealing with the singer.

"Gustavo, come on! It's our anniversary and I can't even kiss her in public," Kendall detangled his arms and threw his hands in the air, raising his voice right along with them.

"What the hell does an anniversary mean to teenagers?" Gustavo scoffed rhetorically before sighing while Kendall glared. "You kids get all worked up over everything these days," he continued dismissively.

"It's been three years," Kendall announced quietly but fiercely, causing his producer to simmer down. The man almost looked shocked, as if he cared, but then he straightened in his chair and remembered that he wasn't supposed to act like it mattered.

"Blondie was able to stand you for that long?" he smirked and peered over his sunglasses. He didn't know how tender of a nerve he actually hit on an internal level for the pop star.

"Listen-" Kendall growled and slammed his palms on the top of the desk, but Kelly pushed him back into the seat across from Gustavo before he could say anything else.

"We could discuss it again with the marketing team…" the young assistant suggested helpfully, smiling too sweetly at Kendall and then narrowing her eyes in warning at Gustavo; the stare that told him to do what she said despite their differing ranks. That was one of the many reasons she lasted so long under the rein of the infuriating producer; she could hold her own.

"Fine," Gustavo relented after thinking for several moments while Kendall shuffled around in the chair he was forced into, moving so that he was sitting like a normal person rather than hanging halfway off of it.

The newly respected Gustavo was nervous about asking for anything after already getting let go once. He was assured that it would never happen again, but this was a big favor to go to Griffin with considering how much weight the CEO put on the marketing of BTR. There was a huge business beyond Rocque Records. Many employees' paychecks were riding on the success and publicity of the band. There were people that the boys would never even meet counting on them and betting on them; investing millions of dollars into their careers. Kendall knew that, and he did care, but he had to care for his family first; also putting his personal sanity at the top of the list after months of playing the good guy.

"But I can't guarantee anything. Your fans love the idea of choosing who she's gonna be with. Just try to get used to it, Kendall," Gustavo sighed in a manner that oozed as much sympathy as a guy like him could muster up on the spot, but the effect it had was the opposite of what he was anticipating.

Kendall had almost calmed down, almost had a bit of hope and serenity when he saw the light at the end of the tunnel, but then he crashed and burned again at Gustavo's ignorant words. He didn't want to "get used to it". He wanted to have it the way he and Sage deserved, the way he wanted, so that he didn't have to fear anything anymore. He just didn't realize that the stupid tabloids weren't the root of his problems. He wasn't ready to admit that he was dealing with his own struggle and that it had nothing to do with magazines and gossip, or even Sage and James pairing up in particular. It went deeper than that; too deep for Kendall to acknowledge enough for him to feel like digging it out and being the one to bring down the family after having bliss for so long.

"Fuck you," Kendall jabbed his finger towards a shocked Gustavo, taking everything out on the unsuspecting man. He figured that, since he snapped, he might as well just dive into the break full force. He jumped out of his chair and stalked away, mumbling in aggravation as he reluctantly pulled his sleeves to his wrists and yanked the door handle back so he could make his exit. He didn't even hear if the producer was capable of forming words because he had slammed the door shut behind him.

"What's wrong, man?" James looked up with concern. He and Carlos were seated on the white chairs outside of Gustavo's office waiting for Kendall to re-emerge, and Logan and Sage were scanning over a folder of sheet music on the couch between the boys.

"Just keep worrying about yourself, James. You're good at that… Everyone leave me alone," Kendall grumbled and didn't even stop moving, knowing he'd crack and spill his guts if he saw any of their worried faces that always made him feel loved. He didn't want to be loved. He wanted to be angry, so he walked speedily down the hall and into the elevator.

"Is he mad at me? Did I do something?" James' eyes widened and he twisted in his chair to the surprised group with a furrowed brow once Kendall was out of the area. "I didn't do anything, right? I've been good!" he yelped, panicking dramatically when he thought that he'd done something to anger his brother when he had been trying so hard lately to do the opposite. He looked to Sage for reassurance because only she knew how fast his mind was moving in a dangerous, self-deprecating direction, but it was Carlos who helped him when Sage just stared curiously at the hallway Kendall had disappeared down; contemplating whether it was better to chase him or leave him alone like he had so loudly requested.

"Don't worry, dude. He's probably just riled up from whatever he spoke to Gustavo about. When those guys are put in the same room, they act like a couple of gnarly cats fighting in a tiny cage over a piece of cheese," Carlos wiggled his fingers together and made noises resembling screeching, brawling felines; causing Logan to cringe and cover his ear closest to the loud teen.

"Do cats even like cheese?" Sage wondered distractedly, trying to be present while nervously perching straighter on the couch and sending a text to Kendall after she only got his voice mail when she called, signaling that he had shut the device off. He didn't want to be approached, and she respected him enough to keep her ass in her seat rather than following him right away. He needed time to breathe through whatever was happening without people instantly jumping down his throat. Her boyfriend was kind of like James in that way; he usually made an attempt to dodge the heavier things that bothered him rather than facing them head on when he was truly apprehensive.

"I think you meant milk or cream," Logan offered smartly to Carlos with a small grin after taking the folder away from Sage while she texted.

"Cats do love cream…" James concurred absentmindedly and leaned in his seat to look down the hall as if Kendall would still be there.

"Okay, so we can all agree on two cats and a dairy product… Wait, what were we talking about?" Carlos' face scrunched in bewilderment, having gotten thrown off by all of the added comments and by the way Sage was jabbing at her phone with a sad expression that mirrored James', like they both felt guilty; one being the girlfriend of Kendall and the other being the one that somehow ended up in his warpath.

"Kendall flipping his bitch-switch," Logan blew out a heavy breath and gently took Sage's phone so she'd break from her daze. She smiled softly at him after jerking slightly because of the sudden movement, letting him hold the device as she lifted a hand to grab at her pendant.

"Oh, yeah… That was weird," Carlos narrowed his eyes, thinking about his friend's earlier tantrum.

"Dogs, minus one, I'm giving you a vacation!" Gustavo announced abruptly after pulling his door open and emerging with Kelly.

"Oh, no… What did Kendall do in there? Did he hurt you?" Carlos wondered with terrified eyes, imagining what could have gone on in the office between the two hardheaded musicians that would result in Gustavo calling for a long-term break.

"No!" Gustavo stared at Carlos like he had asked the most idiotic question he'd ever heard, making the boy press his lips together and turn away bashfully. "But I'm gonna hurt _**him**_ if he comes back here with that attitude. Hollywood is getting to the kid or something. I don't know what the problem is, but fix it or I'm going to take it out on all of you," he warned the band, smirking when they cringed at the mental picture of extra grueling dance practices that lasted for what felt like days and being instructed to sing harmonies until they were blue in the face. If Gustavo was mad, he could make their rigorous touring and concerting look like a cakewalk. "So, take two weeks off, fix Kendall's brain, and then get back to work with cheery smiles on your money-making faces," he pointed to each of them and narrowed his eyes.

"Got it," the three of them stood up and responded eagerly at once with enthusiasm.

"Sage, you can head home today too, but Gustavo wants you on call in case we need help. He's got some new young artists coming in, and you might need to work on a few songs if he gets stuck," Kelly smiled pleasantly as Sage acknowledged her with a nod while rising off the couch.

"I don't ever get stuck," Gustavo argued petulantly, nearly stomping his foot in Kelly's direction, and only getting an eye roll from the small dark-skinned woman in return as she ran her pen over the papers she held. He decided to ignore Kelly's choice of words and turn to Sage instead. "I just like having you around during the creative process because you follow orders and you aren't annoying like them," he waved an accusing finger at James, Carlos, and Logan; receiving no claims against his declaration from the grinning boys who seemed proud of their constant antics.

"Whatever you say, Boss," Sage saluted good-naturedly, but her smile was weak and forced because her mind was still on Kendall.

"See? She's so agreeable," Gustavo gestured to her while looking at the boys as if he was showing them an example of what to be like even though he knew they'd never change, especially not after spending over a year under his employment, and, secretly, he never wanted them to. BTR kept life interesting, and adding a friendly and hardworking Sage to the mix just completed the insane but prized dynamic. "Now, I want all of you out of my sight and under Kendall's feet until he decides to cut the rabid dog act," he pivoted on his heel without a goodbye and sauntered down the hallway, leaving Kelly to smirk and wave at the teenagers before following.

"I think James should talk to Kendall," Logan stated clearly and confidently after only a beat of silence that allowed Gustavo to make it out of earshot with Kelly.

"Why me?" James' protested with a shrill voice, turning to Logan as he and Sage rounded the coffee table to stand in the open space of the seating area.

"Because he sounded like he was going to wrap his hands around _**your**_ throat, not ours," Carlos reminded him, grinning uneasily and taking a step behind Logan; grabbing his friend's shoulders and ducking his head to hide when James sent visual daggers his way.

"_**Sage**_ should do it," James tugged the girl beside him and pushed her toward Logan and Carlos as if presenting her. Sage stumbled but righted herself and glared at James, who smiled timidly.

"She will… after you…" Logan stood firmly and crossed his arms while looking at James.

It was as if Logan knew something that he didn't, or at least understood something that the rest of them couldn't quite comprehend just yet. He personally remembered the distaste Kendall had for James and Sage as a pair long ago when their first tour had begun and he held a tabloid in his hands backstage on a production lot in New York. Carlos had since forgotten about it because he was easily duped by Kendall's new, calm nonchalance, but Logan kept an eye on him from time to time, and Kendall buying the particular magazine he did at lunch set the gears of Logan's brain into motion while the other four in the group believed Kendall's excuse of basic interest in the reading material.

Sage had been occupied with Carlos as he filled his soda at the machine in a burger joint they stopped at until it was dripping onto his hands, and James was chatting up the cute girl working the register, but Logan had caught a view of Kendall through the wide opening at the front of the restaurant leading to the sidewalk; where a newsstand sat. Logan saw the fire spark in his brother's eyes when he snatched up the periodical, and it didn't surprise him when Kendall had gone right for Gustavo, the only man who could end the tabloid problem, once they got back to the studio. It was obvious to Logan that Kendall had a lot going on and he needed to sort himself out; starting with his nasty emotional reaction to James.

Opening his mouth to argue, James only got a strangled sound out before Logan shook his head and took a still-distracted Sage by the hand, pulling her gently towards the elevators with Carlos following closely. James pouted but then groaned and clenched his teeth together, slowly scurrying after them.

"Fine, but if I die I'm leaving everything I own to Sage! She's the only one around here who's not happily throwing me into the lion's den!"

* * *

The angry animal that was Kendall rested in a relatively calm state when James found him.

He wasn't sleeping like he had prayed for him to be on the whole ride to the Palm Woods, disregarding the fact that it was the middle of the afternoon and just wishing for a good reason to avoid the impending conversation he'd have to initiate. Instead, Kendall was on a laptop in their living room, sitting at the desk in the corner behind the couch; never even looking up once when James entered and shut the door loud enough to cause an average person to react with a jump or a twist of their head. James couldn't even get a blink of his brother's eyes. It was then that he was honestly contemplating turning around and running back downstairs to the pool, where he had left Logan, Carlos, and Sage to converse with Camille while she had a break in her filming for the rest of the day because her director was visiting his wife and newly born baby in the hospital. Babies usually bored James. They drooled and couldn't form words or use hair products, but as soon as Camille began talking with Sage and the others about it, he wanted to hang on every word rather than go upstairs to see Kendall. Logan literally pushed him in the direction of the lobby, though, so he really had no choice in the matter. Plus, deep down, he knew going to Kendall was the right thing to do.

"I bought you a smoothie," James smiled too widely, hurting his cheeks, but he didn't let up until he got some sort of reaction from his friend as he held a purple and a pink cup, both of which he had gotten in an attempt at a peace offering and to stall before going to the apartment.

Kendall said nothing. He just nodded slightly with a simple jerk of his head that would have been too quick to decipher if James hadn't been watching. It wasn't much, but it also wasn't a complete denial of his presence. He considered it a good start.

"It's pink, your favorite," James set the clear plastic cup down on the desk beside Kendall, who simply nodded again; blonde bangs ghosting over dark eyebrows above eyes that didn't move even to look over the words on the computer screen in front of them.

He was frozen and waiting for James to retreat, but he didn't.

"What's in the pink ones anyway? I just told the chick that I wanted 'what Kendall always gets' and then she made it while I was talking to Sage," James explained his smoothie-stand adventures casually, but he got an unexpected reaction.

When he spoke Sage's name, Kendall's hands rose to quickly hit the keys on the laptop, the loud and harsh tapping making James blink in surprise. He knew he was closing in on something, but he wasn't really understanding yet, so he kept rambling to breach the thick silence.

"I think the girl running the stand has a crush on you," he teased as he sipped on his drink, a mix of blueberry and strawberry, merely trying to hear Kendall relax and laugh and say something like "shut up, James", but he didn't quite get what he wanted.

"Don't care," the boy sighed and wheeled his chair closer to the desk.

"Hey, you can speak!" James smirked, and Kendall grumbled something like a string of barely audible curse words that made James whistle lowly as the blonde hastily seized his offered smoothie and sucked on the straw with downturned lips. He ignored James once again while pounding the arrows on the keyboard of the laptop to scroll through one of the many blogs he found in his tortuous surfing of the internet; looking up things he kept trying to avoid for months with a headache and a self-destructive attitude.

James hovered behind him, slurping on his smoothie in a way that annoyed Kendall, but everything was annoying him lately, so he didn't protest or move away from the closeness; choosing to calmly glance back at the computer while his friend stared over his shoulder.

There were entire blogs dedicated to James and Sage as a couple. People "shipped" them, whatever the hell that meant. All Kendall really understood was that "Jage" made him want to put the computer through the adjacent window. There were "Kage" sites too, supporting him and his girlfriend and bringing a smile to his face, but then a fifteen-year-old girl posted something below one of the snapshots of him and Sage; whining about how "Jage" was real and "Kage" was fake, and Kendall's nearly happy demeanor darkened against his will.

"Damn…" he dragged the word out with a groan, and then stiffened; gripping his cup tightly when he remembered James was right there.

"What's wrong?" he wondered, leaning in to attempt to see the actual text beneath all of the pictures.

"Got a cramp," Kendall lied quickly, quirking his shoulder so James would get away from him and the computer. He knew he sounded lame, but he didn't actually care if James believed him. He just wanted the guy to leave so he could sulk and ponder by himself.

"Maybe the cramp has something to do with the stick up your ass," James suggested, chuckling amiably but shutting up speedily when Kendall's head snapped in his direction; eyes finally moving off of the computer. The glare he gave James literally had him moving back from the intensity it held before he even realized that his feet were going away from Kendall, who hadn't torn his dangerous gaze off of his target now that he found it.

"Do you want to fuck Sage?" he asked suddenly and accusingly, making James, who had begun to distance himself by striding towards the couch in front of the desk, stop in his tacks so fast that he almost fell forward before spinning around. Kendall didn't actually mean the question as it came out, but there was a compilation of anxious words colliding in his head, and he figured expelling any of them was better than keeping them inside because he was exhausted from holding everything back for months.

"No!" James yelled in astonishment, staring right at Kendall only to see the boy blink and looking away out of guilt for asking in the first place, but he didn't say anything more; causing James to believe that he wasn't quite convinced. "Is this a joke? Am I dreaming? Any second now a serial killer is gonna appear and strike down Griffin so I'm no longer employed and then my Hollywood dreams will go up in flames right along with his body!" he hugged his smoothie close, smearing condensation on his once pristine shirt, and pinched his arm just to see that he was awake.

"That's what you have nightmares about?" Kendall smirked wearily and swiveled his straw in his drink, staring down as he cut a crude circle into the top of the pink mixture.

"Don't judge me," James complained and began wiping at the dampness on his shirt when he realized it was there, pouting fully at the mark and then at Kendall. Honestly, he was playing around, and he was hoping that it would lighten his friend up a bit, but then he saw Kendall's smirk disappear when he moved his eyes back to James; acting as if he just remembered that he was supposed to be moody.

"Whatever…" Kendall shrugged and made his face impassive again. "Just go hang out with Sage or something and leave me alone like I told you to earlier. Thanks for the smoothie," he titled the cup gloomily towards James, who sighed at the step backward the conversation took and moved closer to his friend.

"Are you getting worked-up because of shit like this?" he gestured to the computer screen, which displayed a replica of the picture littering the same tabloid Kendall had purchased that afternoon.

Shaking his head vigorously, Kendall pushed his chair away from James and slammed the laptop shut, his eyes unmoving after falling down to the table below.

"Kendall, you don't really think that's a possibility…" James declared awkwardly, waving his hand towards the computer even though nothing was visible anymore.

His brother looked less angry than when they began; appearing more embarrassed now that he had been called out. James was making him verbally announce his fears, ones he didn't even want to admit he had at all. His jaw clenched, but to James it seemed more like he was trying to draw blood on the inside of his lip rather than grind his teeth together, and he obviously wasn't going to talk first, so James took the reins; stumbling over his own stunned words.

"Whoa, man! You can't actually believe that Sage and I are- I mean, it's just people starting rumors, and- Whoa…" he blew a heavy breath out from between his lips and squeezed his eyes shut before opening them again, hoping to gain more focus. He knew Kendall got irritable sometimes, but so did Logan and Carlos, and even Sage occasionally, but not to this extent; not about something as serious as this. It both dumbfounded James and made him understand why Kendall had been acting so crazy. He'd be going nuts too if he thought his world was slowly crumbling apart uncontrollably. Hell, he'd been in that exact scenario before, and his friends were always the ones to pull him out, so it wasn't even a choice whether or not to be there for Kendall now. It was just instinct, like breathing.

"You guys are close… She spends a lot of time with you…" Kendall whispered, clearing his throat when he decided to finally look at James once again.

"So? It's because we love each other," James explained it simply without thinking, wincing when Kendall flinched at his choice of words. "Stop it. You know it's not like that… don't you?" he inquired warily, still in disbelief at the conclusions Kendall was jumping to.

"Yes, but… I can't stop thinking stupid things, and the pictures aren't helping. Every time I see you two, I think about how you would be good together," Kendall admitted, and his eyes shifted uncomfortably around the apartment; staring up at the ceiling and then sideways at the window.

"You think I'm good enough for her?" James knew there was a lot of weight in that. Kendall was protective of Sage more than any of them. He was the guy who had set James straight on the night he tried to dismiss their relationship and tricked Kendall into going on a date at their school dance; telling James that he wouldn't have someone behaving like that in Sage's life when she returned to him. That was nearly two years ago. It was astonishing how time altered everything.

"Yeah," Kendall nodded, and James struggled not to smile. It wasn't because he wanted Sage but because receiving that approval from Kendall made him feel honored; like he must have been doing something right. "You've changed, James. You'd be amazing to her…With her …" Kendall dejectedly inhaled his smoothie, and James laughed softly.

"You have seriously lost it," he smirked and sighed. It was his firmest belief, ever since he saw Sage jump into Kendall's arms over a year earlier, that there was no better pair than them, so the idea of Sage being with him instead was just absurd in James' mind. He walked and sat down on the floor next to his brother when the boy made no movements of his own. Leaning against the leg of the desk, he cupped his drink in his hands; feeling it chill his palms as he stared up at Kendall. "Sage and I are as close as we are because… Well, we have this agreement… When I'm going through a mental crisis, or whatever you wanna call it, I pull her aside and we talk it out. She helps me… She listens," he attempted to describe their relationship in terms the other could understand.

"And Logan and Carlos don't? I don't?" Kendall immediately felt like a terrible friend. They were always supposed to be there for each other, but now it seemed as if they weren't. James had isolated himself from them because he thought he was sparing them after so many years of having to deal with him. He thought he was being a hero, and Kendall could kind of relate to that.

"I didn't want you to listen... It's different with Sage because she just recently came into my life, and that makes it easier for me to try to change into a better person. I can tell her who I am and who I wish I could be, and she holds me to it and tries to get me there… You guys are my brothers, and you help me without even knowing you do, but Sage has been through some insane shit, and she's just…" James fought for the right way to put it, tapping thoughtfully at the top of his cup. "It's harder to let her down, you know?"

"Yeah, I know," Kendall chuckled lightly. He could understand James when it came to wanting to make Sage happy because he had never met anyone who deserved simple peace more. She hadn't even asked for it, but Sage's past alone had them all scrambling to make things better for her while simultaneously being inspired to better themselves along the way.

Kendall stared down at the pink drink in his lap and wheeled backwards so that he could see James better, tugging his legs up and folding them beneath him on the seat to provide a cradle for the cup in his hands.

"You get along really well with her, though, and sometimes you flirt like you want more…" he insisted nervously, drooping his shoulders so that he was almost all curled up; a far cry from the straight and strong posture he had enabled when James first walked into the apartment.

"The reason I get along with her and like her so much is _**because **_there's no opportunity for more. I know what we are, we're family, and I love it that way… Sage and I both know that… I'm really sorry we scared you," James relaxed, not even realizing he had been so tense until Kendall nodded slowly in acknowledgment and acceptance. "And, as far as the flirting goes, that's just what I do. I flirt with senior citizens if I think it'll get me a better seat on the bus," he laughed at himself and brightened when Kendall cracked a full smile. "But I can try to stop if you want me to…"

"No, as long as it doesn't mean anything real, you don't have to stop flirting. That would be like me telling you to stop using Cuda products; it's just cruel," Kendall joked. There was a heavy dose of playfulness in his voice but he also sent a leveled stare in James' direction so that the boy would know he was being honest. His and Sage's relationship was overall beneficial for them both, James learning to be someone he liked and Sage coming out of her shell and feeling useful, and Kendall would never be the one to ruin it.

His smile fell a little and he became serious, wanting to reassure James in a more sincere way.

"I don't want you to change who you are for me because I'm paranoid about – I'm just… I'm dealing with some stuff, and none of it is your fault. I'm sorry I took it out on you, man."

"That's okay," James waved his hand at Kendall without hesitation, stretching his legs so that his left foot touched the wheels of the chair, "but we still should have told you why we were spending so much alone time together. And, just to let you know, I begged Sage to keep it between us because I was afraid of the pressure… It started that night I took ecstasy, and I just felt done. I was sad and angry and - I hated myself, Kendall," he put it basically, remembering how he had felt that night, which seemed like it was ages ago. Everything was different now; he was different.

"Why?" Kendall wondered, once again swirling his straw near the top of his melting beverage.

"I wasn't a nice person. I was an asshole, and I still am sometimes, but Sage makes me stop. She yells at me or tells me when I'm doing something a decent human being wouldn't," James glanced down at the hardwood flooring on either side of his legs after he crossed them. He appeared a bit sad, but it was more from his memories of the past rather than what he was actually feeling at the moment, which was reminiscent because he really did feel like a new person; an improved version of who he used to be. He looked at Kendall and smiled apologetically. "I didn't intend for it to be all secretive enough to drive you nuts, but it just felt safer that way, I guess," he stood as he spoke and wiped off the seat of his expensive pants even though Logan and Sage had cleaned the apartment the day before.

"You've been doing great, Jamie…" Kendall smiled sincerely and set his cup on the desk, letting James know that he saw his efforts; Kendall saw him changing and he was proud of him. "But I want you to come to me, Logan, and Carlos too. We're your family for life, so use us. Maybe we won't understand like Sage does about certain things, but give us a chance. We'll be there for you."

"I will, Kendall. Thanks," James smiled gratefully at the renewed understanding between them, "but you have to do something for me too." His smile turned more mischievous as he set his drink down beside Kendall's and shoved his hand into his pocket, producing his phone.

"What are you doing?" Kendall grabbed his wrist with anxiety, squeezing the tan skin.

"Okay, one, _**ow**_…" James yanked out of the grip and shook his hand, trying to regain the blood flow to the tips of his fingers. "Two, I'm calling your girlfriend so she can come up here," he grinned and waved the phone at Kendall.

"But me and you already discussed everything! She doesn't even need to know that I had some crazy thoughts, alright?" Kendall was begging. There were several moments where he believed that James was going to comply and do him the favor of putting his cell back into his pocket, but then James sighed, and it wasn't a relenting one; it was sorry.

"Not alright," he pressed his lips together and shrugged while turning from Kendall, and, just like that, their brotherly bond, one of jests and love and roughhousing, returned.

"Don't! It's not necessary, James! You answered all my questions. We're good here!" Kendall jumped at his back, reaching for the phone as James dialed Sage. The boy had an inch on him and a bit more muscle. Because of that, along with loads of wrestling experience with Carlos and his adventures growing up, Kendall didn't stand a chance in a quick game of keep away with James. The teen evaded him at just the right times, smiling and only making Kendall fight harder to no avail.

"Hey, Sage… We have an emergency," James spoke into his cell, holding it to his ear and breathing out heavily when he had to turn abruptly after Kendall almost got his hands on it.

"No, we don't!" Kendall insisted with enough volume so that he knew his girlfriend could hear him, but all he heard in return was a muffled response that sounded something like "what's wrong" as James continued to keep him away.

"Kendall thought we were screwing each other behind his back," James put it bluntly, even though he knew the terminology wasn't technically accurate, causing Kendall to sigh and slump away from him.

"_**What**_?" he heard Sage loud and clear that time. The line disconnected and James put the phone back into his pocket, where Kendall had wanted it to stay to begin with.

"She's on her way up," James twisted around with a big smile.

"I hate you," Kendall ground out with a glare and rubbed at the back of his neck.

"No, you love me very much, but you're upset, so I'm gonna ignore that bitch-face you're givin' me," James retorted with a quirked eyebrow.

"I don't have a 'bitch-face'," Kendall countered childishly, only strengthening the expression James had referred to.

"You're wearing it as we speak," he laughed when Kendall shoved him lightly, and then James softened and his demeanor morphed into a serious one. "You need to talk to _**her**_, Kendall, not me…"

"You said you weren't ever going to go after her. So, I'm fine now," Kendall mumbled lamely, knowing it wasn't exactly true.

"That was never the real problem and you know it. The fact that you even thought something like it in the first place screams _**issues**_," James wiggled his fingers at Kendall, getting them slapped away by the un-amused boy.

"Since when do you know so much about mental states of mind?" Kendall teased him and sat down heavily in the chair at the desk, the force causing it to wheel back into the wall with a thump.

"I told you, Sage is helping me. She does a fantastic job too; just the right mix of sweet and also pushy when I need her to be," James smiled affectionately, watching Kendall nod before the main door flew open and Sage barreled inside with a frazzled countenance. "And now she's all yours while I go enjoy the pool…"

When he saw Kendall and Sage's eyes meet, he no longer felt like he was supposed to be in the same room. They had this insane connection that he only understood enough to respect, and it was as if the entire atmosphere shifted when something was occurring between them; light green irises uniting with darker emerald ones across the apartment.

"You two kids talk alone. We'll clue in Loges and Carlos on the drama later; mine included," James grinned good-naturedly, but he knew that he wouldn't include absolutely everything.

He felt bad about keeping his desire for positive changes a secret for so long, but then he remembered that those changes brought about confusing feelings for Camille, and he realized that it was a good thing he had taken his sweet time bringing his brothers into the loop. He still wasn't sure how he was going to look Logan in the eye on a daily basis while having crush-like thoughts about his girlfriend. He'd be a good boy, though, and pretend like they didn't exist because they were absolutely forbidden on every level. Whether he was the old version of himself or the newer version, he knew that for sure.

"What's going on?" Sage's eyes never left Kendall's as James approached her and stopped right before opening the door.

"He's scared that you're gonna leave him someday," James spoke just as lowly and read between the lines of everything Kendall said. It wasn't necessary for the boy to spell it out for him to see the true fears behind his harsh and then softer words, speckled with sour and depressed attitudes. The only time he'd ever seen his brother act out to that extent was when he had first moved back to Sherwood and was so confident that Sage was gone forever; that he lost the very thing that meant the most to him and his future.

"How do you know that?" Sage turned at the admission, tearing away from Kendall, who was slowly and reluctantly crossing the apartment, to look at James in surprise; like she was hoping that he was mistaken or joking.

"Because I'm smart and insightful now. Duh," he teased halfheartedly, smirking and pulling open the door. "Talk to Kendall, and everything will be fine," he softened and glanced over her shoulder at Kendall, giving his friend a nod of encouragement before he waved faintly to them both and left.

"James was messing with you. Nothing's wrong, baby…" Kendall tried to smile but failed to make it strong enough to convince Sage, the person who could see inside of him the best when she was watching carefully.

"Come on," she took his hand gently, giving it a firm squeeze only when all of their fingers were fully clasped, and then pulled him beneath the balcony and down the hall to their bedroom.

Kendall kept his mouth shut, dreading what would come out if he opened it, and allowed Sage to lead him into the room; nervously sitting on the edge of the bed when she untangled their hands. He watched her move to the open door and shut it softly, twisting the lock and spinning back around to look at him with a blank expression. He could tell that she was staying emotionally frozen out of fear; fear of what he was going to say after James had worked her up already. Remaining silent, she walked across the room to the bed and placed her hands on either side of his neck; caressing the warm skin and bending down to press her forehead against his. Both of them sighed at the contact, tension leaving their muscles as Kendall carefully grabbed at her hips and coaxed her closer while she lifted her legs onto the bed so that she was straddling his thighs and her feet no longer touched the ground where his were.

"It's just the two of us now; no one else. We're alone… Please, talk to me," she begged quietly and settled securely into his lap when his hands ran along her sides, his fingers drawing up the fabric of her shirt until the tips reached the hem of her bra, and then he dragged them back down and around the smooth planes of her lower back.

She knew Kendall liked to be in their room to think because she was the same way. The dimness of it, the comfortableness, made it feel like home; like the room they once shared years ago. It was a place all their own and it had a bold visual contrast with the vibrant and modern colors and décor of the main area of the apartment. This room was where all of their personal struggles as a couple occurred in privacy; where she overcame the bed and he helped her gain the strength to make love again.

"It's nothing," Kendall murmured into the skin just below her chin, loving how his body refused to feel stressed once his girlfriend was against him; almost making him forget his problems. He nuzzled further back into her hair, inhaling the citrus scent of the shampoo she used and hugging her tightly by looping his arms fully around her torso.

"No lying, Kendall. It's something important. You thought I was sleeping with James…" she frowned as she pulled away just enough to see his face, letting his hands hold her weight up so she didn't fall towards the floor as she leaned back.

"James was _**way**_ over-dramatic about it. I thought you guys might _**want**_ to sleep together. There's a big difference," he argued stubbornly and still tried to make it sound a lot less serious than it was.

"And how long have you had that ridiculous thought?" she tensed above him but attempted to keep her voice light instead of shaky. The mere idea of Kendall losing his trust in her and her losing him in general made her eyes sting and her heart thump painfully with the kind of panic, one doused with terror, that she hadn't felt in months.

"Only since we started touring," Kendall answered with a weak nonchalance, knowing that he was being overly simple and already hating the reaction he was going to get.

"That long?"

He thought she'd sound more shocked, but it came off as wounded; like she had been struck. It made him swallow loudly so he could suppress his sudden need to be sick. He was never supposed to be the one hurting her, and that was why he didn't even want to bring all of this out into the open.

"How could you think that I'd want to be with James? How could you think that I'd want to be with _**anyone**_ but you? Did I do something w-wrong?" Sage's eyes slipped shut and she forced herself to stay present.

She wasn't accustomed to making such huge mistakes because she had taught herself to avoid them since Elliot. When he was in control, when he had her locked away, it was all about pleasing him; making him happy so she could be as healthy as possible. Those feelings of needing to be her best didn't go away, especially not with Kendall after they were back together. She wanted to see him smile. She wanted them to work how they used to, and she thought everything had been going fine, but now she felt like something happened that she couldn't see. She hadn't been so caught off guard in over a year; when she was still under her stepfather's roof and questioning the reasoning behind each day only to be surprised by outcomes she could never seem to guess.

"Never, Sage. You could never do anything to-" Kendall cut himself off when he realized he was about to ramble, all of his nerves jumping sporadically until he took a deep breath and started over. "I saw you hanging around James more often, and I kept picturing these things…"

"I've just been helping him... We just talk, I swear," Sage latched onto the front of Kendall's shirt so tightly that her nails dug into the skin above his collar bone, but the pain didn't affect him. It grounded him and reminded him of what was real and important; Sage touching him and sharing the air between them instead of being hundreds of miles away.

"I know. He explained it. I wish you guys would have told me sooner, though…" he sighed and rubbed her back, smoothing his palms over the heated flesh up and down repeatedly until he felt her collapse against him a little bit more and her body stopped quivering.

"James asked me not to, and I thought I should give him that…" Sage blinked slowly, fighting to put her actions and reactions into words Kendall could understand, but then she remembered that he was there before Elliot got her; before she became the extra fragile girl that James, Logan, and Carlos knew. Kendall would always understand what she meant more than anyone else. "I didn't have friends before you, Kendall. Everything's new for me, and James came to me for help when I'm usually the one needing him or the others. It felt nice to be able to _**do**_ something, but I guess I got carried away, and we shouldn't have kept it from you for so long… I should have done better… I'm s-sorry that I freaked you out…"

Sage had felt like a burden for the longest time. Then she was needed by more than just Kendall, and it was as if the world was opening up to her and the walls were expanding so that her level of freedom was broadened into that of a normal person's; something she thought was impossible after Julia died. James asking for her help made her feel useful, like she wasn't a victim anymore that had to be coddled, but she never wanted Kendall to pay the price for her naïve exploration.

"No…" Kendall shook his head slowly and gathered Sage into his arms before shifting higher onto the bed and lowering them until his back hit the mattress, her face snuggled into the crook of his neck the whole time. "We're both learning… I think that's the problem. We've never juggled so much before; family, friends, jobs... It used to just be us," he smiled tiredly when she rose up to look at him, watching her blonde hair fall over her face as she braced her palms on his chest and her knees bracketed his thighs. "Somewhere along the line, life got complicated. What we have now is great, but it's confusing and different too," he murmured, lifting a hand to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and gliding his fingers down her jaw until they rested on the silver pendant at the center of her neck.

She smiled softly and took his left arm gingerly into her hand, spinning it so her thumb could find the black replica of the heart etched permanently onto his skin. It was dark in the room except for the bathroom light that always stayed on and the lamp at the desk because of the lack of windows, and the average person might not have spotted the mark as quickly as she did, but she had a lot of practice; eyes always dropping to the tattoo when it wasn't covered to study it like a holy scripture. It meant the world to her that he had inked the symbol in the location he did, giving him an eternal scar just like she had on her own arm from the time she cut herself to benefit them both. It amazed her how much of a full circle they had made. Back when she got her cherished necklace on their first Valentine's Day together, she and Kendall were just beginning, although still solidified in so many ways, and now it was their three-year anniversary. Most would think things got easier because of it, and maybe they did a little, but life never stopped coming at them. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. Problems would always arise, and they'd always have to be dealt with because ignoring them just didn't work.

However, it surprised Kendall that he developed a sudden issue when they supposedly had none. Things were positive and calm for the entire successful family. The album sales for Big Time Rush were higher than expected, they were booking more tour dates already, and they were lined up for multiple local interviews and photo-shoots over the summer, but those feats caused a new realization for Kendall. He could describe himself and Sage as "healthy" now, and that was dangerously close to "normal"; something they had never been. Kendall had to figure out what it meant. Life and routines naturally went through alterations, but every tiny shift felt like an earthquake to him because of how much he had watched things crumble and go wrong when he wasn't prepared. He knew that his irrational paranoia about Sage and James was just a subconscious mechanism; one that he had been using to both resist more changes and to prepare for them. He had to prepare for his family to continue to live in the spotlight and no longer hidden behind the walls of 2J, and he and Sage could no longer hide in their room beneath the covers. That would be a luxury now, not the norm.

The fame, the money, the fun and unity, were all good things, so they should have kept him afloat instead of pushing him down, but Kendall had to come to terms with the fact that he'd always been more fragile than he let on. He used to think he was strong, invincible even after he got past his father's death at an early age, but then life smacked him in the face when he met Sage and when Elliot destroyed them, and he had to decipher everything all over again; setting him on a pattern of climbing to the top and slipping to the bottom repeatedly. Since he began moving as a kid, Kendall was always starting over, always searching for a new home and a new beginning that would make him feel whole, and he had found that in Sage. Unfortunately, it didn't mean that the struggle was finished like he had imagined it would be when he reached peace.

Serenity was odd for him. He thought it would be everlasting after he got it, but it was the opposite. Once it was in his hands, it felt as if he had to fight a million times harder to keep it there than he ever had to in order to grasp it originally. It required a delicate balance, and being nineteen was only making it more difficult. He had to grow up so fast, learn everything the hard way; with blood and suffering and heartache before the smiles and contentment. People made it look easy, and he guessed that it probably was easy for some, but never for him and Sage. They'd always have to fight. They would always be at war until they found the end, something that Kendall wouldn't know any details of until it was placed in front of him.

"We're always going to be together, Kendall…" Sage assured him with a grin, dropping her head down to kiss the tattoo on his arm while his fingertip traced the silver on her necklace.

"What if there's someone better for you?" Kendall wondered, making Sage freeze and stare at him like he had spoken another language. For her, the question was useless. The answer was always the same.

"No one's better for me. Nothing's better than this," she slid her hand up his arm and into his, rubbing their palms together before settling back down so that her torso rested along his and her cheek pressed onto his chest.

"But you've changed," Kendall argued contemplatively, playing with her hair and looking at the ceiling. "And none of them are bad changes. You're just happier, and more… free… When I met you, you had no one, and now you have so many people who love you and a career that's only going to get even more incredible… I always want you to have the best, but what if that isn't me anymore? What if you want something different once you see all the possibilities?" he whispered the last part in fear, finally voicing one of the deeper parts of his recent doubts.

"That's just the thing, though," Sage lifted herself back up and gazed down at a frowning Kendall with a big smile. "I don't see any other possibilities. This is it for me. It's everything that makes me feel good. This is all that matters. The rest, the career and the media and the people talking about us, it's all background noise," she stroked the side of his face tenderly, generating a smile from him that brightened his eyes. "You're the only reason I have any of it... One day, if it's just me, you, and the guys, I'll still be happy. I'd still want nothing else… I love you, and that's always gonna be my first priority."

"Good, 'cause it's mine too," he smirked and turned quickly enough to bite friskily at her palm, the soft giggle he received in return serving to remind him how precious these simple moments were. They made everything important; made every trial worthwhile. When he and Sage were separated, they proved that they could survive without one another in the most basic sense, but they weren't really living. This, heartbeats increasing and sharing heat and intimate laughter, was living.

"Finally, we're on the same page again," Sage grinned teasingly and Kendall rolled his eyes while he tugged her down for a kiss, pressing his lips to hers and flicking his tongue gently along her mouth as the action deepened without preamble; his hands sliding under her shirt again.

"Just so you know," he pulled away, panting and massaging the skin along her back and sides as she squirmed on top of him slightly; just enough to make him warmer, "I still won't ever like other people looking at you. It makes me nervous… and kinda angry," he admitted with an extra squeeze to her hips that pushed her even more against him, causing his back to sink further into the bed. He ran his hands lower beneath her jeans, letting his fingertips touch the top of her panties. "I feel like everyone wants to scoop you up and take you away," he whispered and moved her higher up his body to place his mouth against her cheek.

Sage shook her head slowly, denying the idea that she was wanted by others. She tended to keep her nose out of the tabloids and blogs online if she could help it, preferring to preserve her focus for her job and her family and unwilling to get distracted by anything else. Her natural anxiety already heightened enough when she and the boys walked through crowds of fans and she got the idea that a set or two of eyes would be cast her way. She didn't want to think about the fact that there were actually millions of people watching her just for the sake of who she was and what company she kept.

She tried to tell Kendall to stop flattering her, but his lips found her neck in a distracting way; his teeth grazing and suckling her skin until there was a bruise there that served as a perfect tool to stake his claim. Sage moaned faintly and turned her head towards his when he was done lapping at the mark with his tongue.

"Okay, not that the jealous-possessive thing isn't hot," she started with a grin, rocking her hips so that her center collided with the interested bulge in Kendall's jeans; earning a halfhearted glare from her boyfriend before she grew more serious, "but we've never been jealous over each other before…"

"Yes we have…" Kendall, in the spirit of honesty, spoke without even thinking of altering his response. He swallowed apprehensively at her confusion and rubbed his hands on her hips again to soothe both him and her. "I-I have… with Elliot…" Just saying the man's name made it feel like there was a fire beneath their feet that they couldn't escape. It was always there, burning and smoldering and kicking up a gray smoke to fill their lungs. Sometimes it faded, but it never left no matter how hard they fought to extinguish it. Elliot was a permanent figure for them, physically and mentally.

"Kendall," Sage breathed out like she had cracked a rib; pained and strained. "I didn't know you still thought about it," she frowned again, her smile and playfulness diminishing, but her body pressed harder onto his; searching for the comfort they both needed.

His old feelings and doubts about Elliot crept back sometimes against his will, just as Sage's own personal fears did. It wasn't something they could cure or get past but rather something they'd continually have to deal with. Kendall didn't want to be an overprotective jerk, or a possessive boyfriend, but it was difficult to hold at bay when he felt so sickeningly defensive when it came to Sage; feeling like it was his job to be everywhere and to watch everything after having lost her once already because of a miscalculation and too many blind eyes. He never wanted something like their year apart to happen again. If it did, their survival would be questionable at best. Even the strongest people can only suffer through so much before they are completely broken.

"I think about him out there," Kendall jerked his head towards the door by their feet, gesturing to the world as a whole. "It kills me that he isn't really gone, that he's somewhere we don't know… It kills me that he could try to take you back."

Kendall knew that Elliot had sent the letter to Sage during the previous summer as a form of closure, and the fact that he hadn't made a reappearance was a good sign, but they were all still weighed down by his existence. It haunted Kendall from time to time when he'd wake up in the middle of the night and see Sage sleeping peacefully beside him; having flashes of that being ripped away and torn to shreds, and the world getting completely blown into bits that he could no longer control.

"Elliot's gone, Kendall. He's not ever coming for me," Sage assured him shakily, the mention of her rapist making her heart clench and her spine tingle with unease as she anxiously smoothed her palms up and down Kendall's chest so they wouldn't tremble. "Don't even think about him. He's not allowed to ruin our day…" she smiled again, remembering their anniversary, and that had him smiling back; leaning up just as she lowered to kiss him again.

Kendall decided to follow Sage's suggestion and forget her stepfather, just like she worked so hard to do, and he put every emotion he had into kissing her as she slowly rocked against him, but he couldn't totally erase the fear he had in the back of his mind. As long as Elliot was still breathing, it would remain there; taunting him and controlling him in ways that he would never fully comprehend.

* * *

James was pretty sure he had lost his mind somewhere between leaving Kendall and Sage to work out whatever was going on in their own Kendall-and-Sage-y way and getting to the pool to see Logan, Carlos, and Camille. He was convinced that if he still had all of his mental faculties, then he wouldn't have been so asinine as to eagerly choose to spend alone time with Camille, the very person he had decided he shouldn't do such a thing with months ago after multiple discussions with Sage. His sister helped set up a pattern of avoidance and mandatory backup when he'd be around the actress for long sessions of time, and now, without Sage around, he had jumped at the opportunity to make a stupid mistake involving his first ever, and completely unavailable, crush.

He was like a dog without his leash, really. He thought he'd be safe and sound, the toughest canine on the street, but it had only taken a matter of minutes for his dumb ass to step in front of an imaginary speeding car when he had no trusty Sage to guide him.

To his defense, his heart had been in the right place.

After leaving the apartment, he made his way to the pool, feeling positive about the two friends he had left behind; knowing they could always resolve anything that was thrown their way. When he made it through the lobby, he had been met with the visual of Carlos chatting with the Jennifers, all three of which were still naturally cold, because they knew no other way to be, but finding entertainment in the lively boy that they could call their friend if they wanted to actually admit it. It didn't hurt that the upbeat teenager was genuinely interested in the things they had to say, finding everything around him worth discussing when he was in a good mood. James wasn't all that interested in the group, though. Especially not after Jenn, Jenny, and Jennifer started ranting about their temporary costars in a melodrama they were recently cast in; cattily pointing out each of their flaws and saying how they could play the parts better. Carlos just nodded in agreement due to a lack of anything better to say as he chewed on a sugary snack from the vending machine.

Next, James' attention had landed on Logan and Camille. The male part of the duo was sitting at a table under one of the cabanas and reading a magazine that had way too many words and not enough pictures, in James' opinion, and Camille resided in the chair across from him scanning over a script. It wasn't a sight that held any importance to the casual observer, but as James stood near the smoothie stand, contemplating whether or not he should buy another one after leaving his upstairs and unwilling to go back in fear that he'd walk in on a private moment between Kendall and Sage, his brain began racing all over the place; unsealing emotions and thoughts he liked to keep to himself most of the time.

Since Logan first announced a small rift in his relationship with Camille months ago to James, he never mentioned it again. As far as James knew, he never even broached the subject with his girlfriend, apparently satisfied with calling it a fluke. Logan wrote it off as a passing thought with a shrug of his shoulders and a simple smile before he went to bed that night, most likely to have sweet dreams. James couldn't ever forget that night. The doubt in his brother's eyes stayed with him, and maybe not necessarily for wholesome reasons. On that very evening, he told Logan not to worry himself over something that wasn't really a problem, and the boy agreed, but James had changed his mind after actually witnessing it with his own eyes.

James could see the disconnect that Logan had offhandedly refereed to. As the pair casually sat with each other, it was as if James could detect an actual rope between them; pulled tight and frayed at the center so that it would snap with a tug in one direction or the other. But the two teenagers seemed oblivious. They were content, displaying smiles and exchanging words here and there with general happiness, but, to James, it didn't look like the feeling of overwhelming emotion that had filled 2J when Kendall and Sage merely glanced at each other from across the room. Then again, just as Logan had said, not every couple could be like Sage Henderson and Kendall Knight. However, James honestly wondered: shouldn't there be at least a little something more between the intelligent teen and the young actress that would show even a chance at long-term commitment?

Back when he didn't think he cared about Camille, at the beginning of her and Logan's relationship and before James decided to lose his act of indifference towards emotions, he had specific memories of Logan and Camille connecting wholeheartedly like two lovers. They'd touch often, and she'd sit in his lap and kiss his cheek and hold his hand like it was second nature to them. Then time changed and tested things like it always did. After Christmas, when everything for Logan and Camille had been at its pleasant peak, Camille got her movie role, taking up most of her time, and Logan dove into the band and their album release, keeping him busy as well.

James assumed that, maybe, because they genuinely didn't let the distance and divide bother them, invisible and silent things fell apart between Logan and Camille without them even noticing at all. Logan almost had, but then he backpedaled like the doubtful thoughts never occurred, and James knew that that was the end of the boy taking a bold stance when it came to analyzing his own relationship.

James wanted to help. He wanted to fix it for Logan.

So, when Camille spoke up at their quiet sitting session to say that she needed to run lines with someone and Logan declined his own chance at involvement, acting always making him queasy with the fake emotions and attitudes and the added pressure to be someone he wasn't, James hopped in and offered his performing services to Camille. He received no objections. Logan just laughed at his enthusiasm and told them to have fun, which made James wince a little; thinking of what fun used to mean when it came to him being with girls. Now, he liked to pretend that he was doing Camille a favor, saving her, but, honestly, she hadn't looked all that bummed when Logan casually rejected her. She knew that he wouldn't want to run lines with her because he never wanted to before, and that's why she gladly accepted James' help. He watched Logan kiss his girlfriend's cheek sweetly in farewell before plucking Carlos off of the lounger in front of the Jennifers' table, dragging him away without a second glance to do some shopping at the supermarket.

Camille didn't seem to notice James' internal distress as she smiled vibrantly and handed him the script so he could read it while they made their way to the elevator. By the time they passed the first floor, James was questioning why he had so willingly put himself in a situation he once adamantly declared he never wanted to be in. He knew what his initial reasoning was. He was doing it for Logan, thinking that he could somehow work his magic and reseal the bond between his brother and Camille if he talked the boy up to the actress while they hung out; reignite what she felt for Logan and just give her the chance to gush about the guy she once fawned over.

James was optimistic about his thought-out efforts to help the couple, just like he had helped Kendall and Sage; as if he was spreading his own newfound cheer. Plus, if Logan and Camille were strong again, then it would be so much easier for him to ignore his own building feelings for the actress. It would be perfect if he could get them back to how they were before; before something spun off its axis and they unaligned like some romances just tended to do. Even if they couldn't tell that they were close to breaking, James could see it, and he was determined to repair Camille and Logan.

So why hadn't he mentioned Logan once in his few hours together with her? Why did the boy's name make his tongue feel like it was going to swell and choke him in some sickening allergic reaction, like the word didn't belong in the air between him and Camille?

There shouldn't have been a "him and Camille" at all. According to James, that didn't exist, it shouldn't exist, and he stupidly thought he could handle his emotions after spending months avoiding being alone with the brunette until he was no longer antsy and nervous and "totally obvious", as stated by Sage, around her. He had worked so hard to squash down his feelings until they were only a nice, amiable liking towards Camille that didn't have to mean anything epic if he refused to let them, but all of that hard work was demolished when they got to their fourth practiced scene of the evening and James suddenly remembered that he should never ever, by any means, formulate his own plans without assistance.

"And then I, Aubrey, kiss you, Roger, and the scene fades to black before it changes over. That's all I'll be filming tomorrow," Camille smiled and stretched her arms straight out to relieve a cramp in her shoulder from sitting on the couch with James so long.

He nodded distractedly at her simple tone. She had said multiple versions of the same thing different ways after going over the dialogue leading up to a kiss in the script many times already, but every single time made James' heart thump in his chest in a way that he never had it behave before, and it scared the shit out of him. He must have been wearing a brave face, though, because Camille hadn't acknowledged that he was acting differently; making him both mad at himself for still being a good liar and proud of himself for covering up what shouldn't be revealed.

He had honestly been doing well before the kissing scene came up. James and Camille were always great friends right from the start, and running lines was something they both enjoyed. He particularly loved seeing Camille act, her getting lost and submersed in a role; watching the awe-inspiring, beautiful actress bring someone to life who only previously existed on paper and in the creators' minds.

But he kept wondering when the term "beautiful" got a whole lot less general and whole lot more direct in his head; like her brown eyes were striking when she looked right at him with false passion and her dark hair fell so perfectly over her pale shoulders that he wanted to sweep it away just to see what it would look like when he touched it. He wanted to have her smirk, one of flirtation and playfulness that was saved just for Logan, aimed at him so he could match it and see what their two separate, yet equally fiery, personalities could produce. That opportunity didn't belong to him, however. It belonged solely to his brother, and James wished his imagination and heart would remember that for him so he wouldn't feel as confused and shaken in the moments he caught himself staring or fantasizing with feelings attached that weren't just the ones originating below his belt.

"Thanks for helping me out, James. I feel really good about shooting this now," Camille smiled warmly. "I know you've been super busy, so I appreciate you making the time," she added with a pat to his shoulder, when he only nodded, and walked past him to get to her purse on the kitchen counter.

Him being busy was a lie. Well, he was, but not too busy to help her if she asked. When she would come to him for assistance like she always did, which James used to love and look forward to, he made an excuse or asked Sage to give him something to do simply to stay away from Camille so there would never be a moment like this. Unfortunately, Sage wasn't there to save him now.

"No problem, Cam," he grinned. It was weak, but she didn't notice because Camille didn't have a twisted mind like he did. All he could think about was her lips; how the light caught the fading pink gloss on them and how it would feel to kiss them with his own. He blamed it on the scene they practiced. Every time they reached the end of it, his muscles twitched as if he was going to initiate a kiss like the words directed; only pulling away in the opposite direction when Camille would break her character and look at him with different, less serious eyes.

"We should probably call it a night. I have to head to dinner with the crew in a half-hour, and I think I need to be on set early in the morning…" Camille dug into her purse with a curious face, searching for her planner to check her schedule and frowning every time she pulled out the wrong thing only to ultimately decide to dump all of its contents onto the counter.

"Make sure you tell me how everything goes," James found his voice surprisingly quicker than he thought he would, once again amazing himself at how cool and collected he sounded as he stood up from the couch and dropped his copy of the script onto the coffee table. On the outside, he looked normal, but on the inside he was screaming at himself because his feet were moving towards Camille instead of the door without his consent; his mind still running through images of kissing the girl.

"Of course," she nodded, brown curls swaying over her shoulder blades in James' line of sight; his vision on her back as she continued to sort through her things. "Got it!" she held up the planner with a short laugh at herself and flipped it open, completely unaware of what James was about to do; almost as unaware as he was of himself.

"Hey, Cam?" his voice was so low that he wasn't sure she heard him, even though he was right behind her by the time he spoke, but she tilted her head a bit.

"Yeah?" she wondered casually, turning to the page of her planner that she had a paperclip in and not looking back to see James.

If you asked James later, he wouldn't have been able to tell you what physically made him do what he did next. He couldn't remember making the choice to grab Camille lightly by the wrist. He couldn't remember spinning her around to face him. He couldn't remember using his free hand to delicately cup the back of her head, feeling those brunette locks he thought about earlier. He couldn't remember the look of puzzlement on her face right before he guided her forward and up to him.

He could remember kissing her, though. He'd always remember it.

James Diamond had kissed countless girls in his lifetime. He used to keep track of the number, but then he started caring less and just looked forward to his next conquest instead. Camille was completely different. Kissing her was exhilarating and terrifying, and he could have sworn that she kissed him back for just a fraction of a second; the weight against his mouth growing stronger as she leaned into him. The touch of her lips to his almost made him feel lighter than he had ever felt before. He never thought that would be possible for a person like him. However, after another second passed, the guilt wracking his entire body literally burned; uncomfortable heat rolling over his bones like a hot flash that had him feeling queasy and no longer light at all. He was so heavy that he was sure he was going to hit the ground.

And then Camille hit his face.

"What the fuck was that?" she was panting when she pulled back, and James could feel her pulse beating rapidly beneath his fingers around her wrist almost as well as he felt the sting on his left cheek from where her palm connected with it.

It all made James feel like he had just woken up. He was mystified and didn't understand why he wasn't in his room because he was so sure that this had to be a nightmare, one of the ones that didn't involve losing his career but, instead, losing his family; a fear far greater that he still held onto.

He ripped his hand off of her arm like he'd been electrocuted.

"I- Oh, my god…" James whispered hoarsely, his wide hazel eyes staring at Camille like she would disappear if he just looked long enough; still convinced that he was going to wake up in his bed at any second. He raised a hand to rub at his cheek, not from the pain, because he would rightfully suffer through whatever hurt he deserved, but because he thought it might make him liven up and break his daze.

"James, I'm-" Camille started with concern, almost like she was regretting hurting him, but James didn't know why she would. He kind of wished that she had kicked him in the balls. They were dear to him, but it would have been a totally justified, fitting punishment.

"Shit… L-Logan," James whined lowly and slouched his shoulders, running a hand through his hair.

Sure, _**now**_ he said the boy's name. Where in the world was it for the last few hours when he needed it the most?

"I-I have to tell Logan what I did. I'm s-sorry…" James mumbled in what he hoped was a coherent way, feeling a panic attack bubbling up. His body was tingling and it was getting harder to breathe as he rushed by a still bewildered Camille and reached the door. She called out for him to come back, but he ignored her. It didn't matter that he genuinely wanted to discuss things with her and hear what she had to say. All that mattered was Logan. He had to know the truth.

James considered running and hiding when he got to the stairwell. He sprinted down all the steps in a hurry to get to the second floor, but then he froze in place when he saw the "Exit" sign pointing towards one more flight of stairs to the lobby. The red glowing letters drew him in; tried to force the older version of himself to resurface so that he could escape. It took a good minute of him staring at that sign before he made his final decision, choosing to enter the hallway of the second floor to get to his necessary destination instead of taking the emotionally safer route of roaming Los Angeles and looking for trouble. He found his own trouble at home just fine, and he didn't need anymore.

When James stepped into 2J, Kendall, Sage, and Carlos were all in the kitchen discussing what they should have for dinner; sorting through all the freshly stocked cabinets that had been filled by Logan and Carlos' earlier grocery shopping. They stopped their lively conversation, cutting off their laughter mid-breath when James let the door slam behind him. He must have looked as shitty as he felt if they were all that worried with a single glance.

"James, are you alright?" Kendall asked nervously, seeming to already understand that something bad was about to go down.

"What's wrong?" Carlos dropped a frozen pizza onto the counter, anxious eyes shifting to Sage and Kendall and then to the panicking James.

"Where's Logan?" he ignored their questions and gave one of his own, scanning everywhere he could see in the apartment from his spot by the door as Sage, Carlos, and Kendall all approached him slowly.

"In his room…" Sage answered apprehensively, talking with much more purpose than the others had. She knew a break in James when she saw it. "Do you need to talk?" she offered, stepping towards James, who was still wide-eyed and shaking. Carlos and Kendall watched with both concern and interest; never having witnessed one of James and Sage's conversations up close and personal.

"Tell me not to leave. Tell me to go upstairs," James begged her softly, staring down the hall at the staircase that would take him to Logan.

"James…" Sage sounded like she was talking him off a ledge, but she didn't really know what for, and he didn't feel like answering. He couldn't, or he would never get to Logan like he was supposed to.

"Tell me!" he pleaded again, getting louder and forcing himself to look right at her instead of the stairs. That was when she saw how pale and distressed he really was.

"Go upstairs, James," she ordered him dutifully and sighed. She stepped away from him and gestured to the hall, watching him nod unsteadily.

James said nothing else as his feet carried him to his goal; ignoring Carlos when he asked more questions he couldn't really hear through the fog in his brain.

When he got to Logan's room, the door was open and the boy he both loved and feared was organizing his closet. He shuffled shirts around in an order that only made sense to him and was sure to hang them neatly. James admired that, that he took care of his clothes even when they weren't like the expensive ones he had in his own closet below their feet. He was distracted for a few moments, just watching Logan hum a tune as he worked in a carefree way; dreading ruining it and thinking that he might not ever get to see it again if things went horrifically.

"Logan?" James called out softly as he stepped through the doorway, making his friend turn around to greet him.

"Hey, man. How did the practice go with Camille?" Logan smiled absentmindedly, tongue slipping between his teeth in concentration when he looked back over the order of his and Carlos' closet, figuring out a way to put everything in with a minimal chance of his rambunctious roommate wrecking his half when he sleepily got dressed in the morning.

"I need to tell you something, and I don't think you're gonna like it," James warned him shakily, rubbing his palms together because he didn't know what to do with his hands. Posture and confidence was something he always had, but now he felt small and insecure.

"It can't be worse than Carlos' organizational habits," Logan joked and kicked at the boy's sneakers, all of which weren't beside their matching ones. Instead, they were piled together in one big lump. Logan was about to turn to James again, but then his cell phone rang. He took it out of his pocket and grinned when he read the caller ID. "That's Cam now. Just hold on a sec and I'll- Hey!" Logan yelped when James suddenly knocked the phone out of his hands and onto the floor.

By the time Logan picked it up, the call had been disconnected, which was exactly what James wanted. He couldn't have Camille telling Logan before he did. He had to be the one to fess up.

"What's so important that you feel the need to damage my property over it?" Logan frowned at the phone, flipping it and checking for cracks. When he found none, he silenced the device and slipped it back into his pocket; figuring Camille could wait if James was so riled up. Once he looked at his friend, Logan's face fell; false, everyday annoyance turning into actual concern when he saw the way James' mouth was opening and shutting rapidly and his palms rubbed together again.

"I kissed Camille," James blurted out the truth, but it didn't really make him feel better. In fact, giving it a voice made his stomach churn violently.

"For the scene, right? 'Cause I understand that it's part of her job, though I'm not sure why you had to-"

James cut Logan off by detaching his hands from themselves and holding them up to signal silence. Leave it to the genius to think of a reasonable solution right away instead of just flying off the handle.

"No… the scene was over. We were talking, and then I pulled her against me and kissed her," James explained clearly, his throat still aching with guilt. No matter how hard he swallowed, the lump wouldn't leave. On a normal day, something like that would make him worry about his ability to sing, but that seemed frivolous now.

Logan stared at him with wide eyes, only blinking once, and then his demeanor morphed into pure fury and betrayal as everything clicked together in his head. That's when he hauled his fist back and punched James across the very cheek Camille had slapped. In a stupor as his head throbbed, James thought it held a certain poetic justice.

He never knew Logan to throw a punch. A shove full of anger and tension when there was a scuffle on the ice in their hockey days, yes, and he even got a few playful hits in during silly brawls with Carlos, but the boy never resorted to violence. James was the exception to that unspoken rule now.

Logan glared in irritation and strode past him to grab his keys off the desk, and then he left the room in a hurry. James' jaw was still sore and his head was heavy, so it took him a few seconds to catch up with what was happening. By the time he was running down the stairs and entering the main floor, Logan had almost reached the front door.

"Carlos, block him!" James ordered frantically, waving the hand that wasn't caressing his cheek at the fleeing boy.

Not knowing what else to do, Carlos ran from his standing position beside an equally baffled Sage and Kendall and jumped in front of the door; stretching his limbs out dramatically so that he covered the entire wooden surface and ignoring the look Logan was sending his way that clearly said "block the door and I'll gut you."

"What's happening?" Carlos yelled wildly, pushing harder against the door when Logan stepped towards him before taking a calming breath and squeezing his eyes shut.

"I punched James because he kissed Camille, and now I'd like to leave," Logan announced tiredly, trying to shove by Carlos, but he was unsuccessful because the boy had only gotten stiffer at the news; body rigid and tense against the door.

"James!" Kendall shouted in a reprimanding manner, but James didn't make any moves that told him he was heard.

"I'm sorry!" James got closer to Logan and dropped his hand away from his face, which was turning a pink color and on the verge of bruising.

"You know, I thought that, by some miracle, you were really changing," Logan shook his head at James, his expression cold, "but you're still the same insensitive asshole you were before. You're only worried about sex and making yourself happy. I bet you actually fucked Arielle when she 'hit on you'," he made quotation marks with his fingers as everyone watched, looking at him and James like they were witnessing a train wreck. "Who's next? Sage? Do you wanna get in her pants too so you can make Kendall's nightmares come true?" Logan didn't look at Kendall, but the boy frowned. He had a feeling that Logan remembered his initial insecurities. Logan remembered everything. It was part of the reason he could hold a strong grudge, and that was why things weren't looking so good for James, who didn't make a peep; just stared at Logan and let him rant. "What are you gonna do, James? Pick all of us off one by one until we're just as lonely and miserable as you are?"

James flinched, feeling angry. He wanted to argue, and the old James would have. The old James would have lashed out so hard that someone would be emotionally bleeding right along with him, but the new James knew when he was supposed to lie down and shut his mouth. He didn't deserve to argue here. He was the one who fucked up.

"You don't understand, Logie. I didn't mean to-"

"On the night of my eighteenth birthday," Logan began levelly, like James hadn't been speaking, "you said that you didn't even want to _**try**_ to find love or an actual relationship, but _**I did**_. Why are you ruining this for me?"

James sighed, full of gloom and anxiety and self-hatred. He had almost forgotten about that night, which was another day he had wrecked for his best friend by way of throwing a disastrous party. He didn't mean to keep destroying things around him. It just kept happening. He figured that it must have been the learning curve on his journey to become a decent person, and he hadn't quite gotten the hang of it yet.

"I'm so sorry," James felt like he had said it so much already, but it still felt like too few times to him.

"Sorry isn't enough now! If you cared, you wouldn't have done this. You betrayed me… You don't do that to your brother, James," Logan couldn't exactly put it into precise words, but the implication that James was going to lose him from his family made the boy's head shake vigorously and his mouth open to protest; to say absolutely anything to get him to stay and not be mad anymore.

"It was a mistake!" James' eyes stung, and he hadn't even realized that he was on the verge of crying until his vision began to blur.

"And I told you that you were running out of chances with me. I gave you a warning after the shit with the drugs. We talked, and I thought we had an understanding. I thought you were better, but then you go and do something worse than anything you've ever done before," Logan laughed humorously, running a hand through his hair as he groaned in frustration.

James didn't know what to do other than apologize, so he looked to the girl who always seemed to be capable of helping him.

"Sage…" he pleaded with the simple word, turning to gaze at her. Kendall stood beside her, wearing a mix of bewilderment, anger, and pity; pissed that James hurt Logan, wondering why Sage could help, and then simultaneously understanding that James had come to rely on her. Sage shook her head slowly from side to side, appearing as though she might cry along with James.

"I don't know wh-what to do, James... I thought you weren't supposed to go near Cam alone?" she was soft-spoken, struggling to process how this could have happened after so many months of ease when dealing with the Camille situation.

"You knew about him wanting her?" Logan twisted around and directed his venom and shock at Sage. She didn't think he understood the weight of James' feelings, most likely believing that it was only sexual like it was when it came to him relating to every other female, but she didn't have it in her to speak up anymore. One look from him had her mouth sealing shut and her head dipping towards the ground. She knew she deserved some of Logan's fire. She was part of the events that had led up to it. She shouldn't have hidden James' secret like she did for so long when she knew it could have had a devastating impact on all of them; the very catastrophic turn of events that was occurring now. "I helped you and- We discussed th-things…" Logan stumbled over his speech, looking harmed and deceived, and Sage had trouble breathing because of it.

The two of them had engaged in months of therapy, with daily conversations and sharing secrets and building trust, and she stepped on that without realizing her error in a blind attempt to make James happy. It was like she had told Kendall earlier, she never had friends before. Now she had three plus Kendall to live with, and she wanted to make every single one of them happy all the time. That was impossible, though, and she was bound to make mistakes.

Kendall found her hand and looked at her comfortingly, forcing a small, almost undetectable, smile. Sage knew that he was upset, probably disappointed and frustrated with her and James, but she also knew he'd understand because of the discussion they had that afternoon; he'd understand that she was still growing and changing. Logan comprehended it too, and on a good day he would have gladly assisted her through it, but he just didn't feel like acknowledging it in the middle of his well-deserved meltdown.

"You and James were the two people that pushed me to go out with Camille. You gave me the courage to do it… What the hell are you doing now?" Logan yelled, genuinely baffled; something he wasn't used to being. Perhaps he was so muddled because of the day. It was the anniversary of his and Camille's first date, something they weren't even celebrating, but now it seemed like the day that it was all going to end. He liked to plan things, and plan to plan things. Surprises like these threw him off kilter.

Both James and Sage searched for the right words to say, but there were none. They didn't have the answers that would make sense to a furious Logan.

"Tell me, Sage, when you hang out with your best friend, do you sway her to go to James?" Logan inquired Sage brutally, implying that she'd intentionally hurt him. He didn't honestly believe it, but anger and panic did strange things to Logan. For the others, they often got depressed or scared, which he occasionally did, but every time in his past, in moments of pure shock and hurt, he struck against the enemy with harsh verbal attacks that didn't stop until he decided it was time; until he calmed down. He definitely couldn't seem to find his happy place at the moment.

"Hey," James finally spoke up, this time for Sage; his voice loud and booming with authority and strength he thought he lost. Sage was his sister. She always protected him, and it was easy to forget that he watched over her too, especially when they were in things together. When he first asked for her help, he had been coming off of ecstasy, but he wasn't high enough not to realize that she became his partner then; that she agreed to help him and he silently vowed to always have her back and take care of her too. "Sage is the one who told me to talk to you about my thing for Camille, but I made the choice not to. This isn't her fault…"

That was nearly an admission that he hadn't even intended; saying that he had a "thing" for Camille and suggesting that it wasn't just sexual. Logan was momentarily struck silent as he analyzed James' words, and James almost believed that he was going to calm down and start asking real questions rather than the furious rhetorical ones he had rattled off with malice, but Logan wasn't in the mood.

"How long ago was that?" Logan wondered, leveling his tone out so that it was severe but quiet. It scared James more than the yelling.

"Um…" his bold stance broke so quickly that he almost forgot it had existed at all.

"How long?" Logan punctuated each syllable sharply, not backing down.

"I started realizing it a little before Christmas," James admitted so softly that he was surprised anyone heard him, but things were so tense and still that he was sure they could have heard a pin drop in 2J.

"Fuck…" Carlos murmured, making a sound for the first time since everything began and he blocked the door. His body was splayed against it out of pure panic, but now he had slunk away from it, blinking at James. The actual length of time he had been keeping his secret amazed and hurt him. He thought James would have told him something like that. Then again, it wasn't a minor secret or one that he was comfortable with. Carlos knew James; knew that, when faced with emotions that were too real, he'd hide from them if he could manage it.

"You've been lying for seven months?" Logan got loud again. It felt like over half a year of his life was nothing but a fabrication, like he had been living blindly. He was already thinking back to every interaction he had with James, looking for signs that things were wrong.

"Not lying, just omitting," James tried to smile, but Logan's glare didn't cease, and he could hear Kendall clear his throat in warning; telling him not to attempt humor or he'd most likely get punched again.

"It's all the fucking same with you! You think you know best. You have this damn confidence, but it's useless. All you can focus on is yourself while everyone else gets hurt," Logan spat, not paying attention to the fact that James' tears were falling. "I told you after the tour that I had doubts about my relationship with Camille, and you said not to worry. Meanwhile, you're fantasizing about her," he smirked bitterly. "I don't even know you anymore, Jamie…" the nickname was usually sweet, having originated in their childhood. It always made James feel warm and loved, but now it was cold enough for him to rub at his arms to fight the chill.

Logan quieted down and just stared at James as if he was a stranger, and it hurt more than anything James had ever felt physically or emotionally, even more than when Logan had given him the silent treatment for a week. His bones ached and his heart scorched uncomfortably in his chest as his eyes continued to water and sting.

"L-Logie-"

"I can't be here," Logan declared, cutting off James' millionth plea. Everywhere he looked made him feel dizzy, like the ground was shaking. The world he had been living in was fake and now he could see what was really there, and he didn't like the visual. He had to get away. He had to think, and he couldn't do that properly while James was in his line of anger-filled sight. "I'm leaving. _**Don't**_ follow me," he ordered them all without much emotion, trying to take a glance at each of his friends but only reaching Kendall, Sage, and Carlos' torsos before he bailed.

He didn't even attempt to look at James again before he shuffled behind Carlos, opened the door, and slammed it shut after him, leaving the family of 2J down one member without a clue as to how to fix it.

They optimistically assumed that it would get better, that Logan would go on a walk to clear his head and then come back with a fresh silent treatment for James, but things were different this time around. They didn't know that Logan wouldn't come back that night, or the next, or the one after that. They didn't know that they'd be eating meals for four instead of five, or that Logan's spot on the couch would stay empty for several days straight while they silently watched television without enthusiasm.

Faith in each other and in their family was something that was instilled in the quintet very early on in their union, but subtracting a person from their carefully crafted structure made them all crumble. It made them all desolate and confused, and their newfound hopelessness only heightened in the morning after Logan's departure when they received no word from him and also found out that Camille hadn't either. That day passed, along with several others, and there still wasn't any information on his whereabouts, and it had become a very real possibility that Logan might never come back home.

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**A/N: I kinda love how the angst was so damn heavy on Ch. 50- it's a big number lol And we are getting closer to the end of the story (not exactly sure how the numbering will come out in the end; depends how I choose to space my plans and set up cliffhangers XD) Just a hint if you want it, the Kage scene here and certain parts of the narrative had EVERYTHING to do with the ultimate climax of the story that will be occurring. There was some foreshadowing there emotionally :)**

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this chapter :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I appreciate any feedback and I love meeting fellow readers/fans of BTR. Don't be shy :) **

**As always, I'll see you all next Saturday- internet permitting lmao ;)**


	51. Big Time Clarity

**A/N: Let me know what side you land on the Lomille vs Jamille debate here, within the context of THIS STORY, not canon BTR lol- two very different things :)**

**************Special announcement at the bottom :)**********

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**_-waterwicca_**

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_CHAPTER 51: BIG TIME CLARITY_

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"Nice of you to answer this time, best friend."

Logan rolled his eyes at Kendall's sarcastic greeting, almost regretting picking up the phone before he remembered that he missed his brother, and, admittedly, his sarcasm too. Being isolated from your loved ones for so long could do that to a person. He even missed Carlos' clothes tripping him on the floor when he got up in the morning, and the way Sage would help him cook breakfast and do the dishes before the lively teen barreled downstairs on a hungry warpath.

There was no "downstairs" in Logan's motel room. There wasn't even a kitchen, only a snack machine outside the door and a coffee maker in the bathroom that brewed one cup at a time of the nastiest concoction he'd ever had the displeasure to taste.

"Thanks for the warm salutations," he countered dryly, smirking into his cell as he tucked it closer to his ear and pulled open the dusty curtains covering the window beside the door of his cheap room.

The glass pane wasn't large, and neither was the wall for that matter, but it provided a grime-covered view of the world outside. He was on the second and uppermost floor of a U-Shaped building decorating the side of a highway with its lovely grays and yellows and fluorescent "Vacancy" lights, above which resided signs that announced the availability of "color TVs". Logan assumed that was their main selling point when he had checked in because, really, what beat colored television coupled with rats and hookers and drug addicts?

"Excuse me for being a little pessimistic. We've only talked once since you left," Kendall's voice was exasperated, and Logan could hear the loud exhale he made into the receiver.

"Yeah, well, Europe is great this time of year. I've been so busy relaxing and taking in the sights," Logan chuckled shortly and took one more step toward the window so that his sneakers hit the wall and a few flakes of shoddy paint fell to the even shoddier thin carpet.

He could see the ground outside below him more clearly past the rickety iron banister keeping people from tripping to their deaths while they walked the treacherous pathway along the rooms, which was littered with cracks and bumps and the occasional pile of garbage or tossed luggage when residents were booted out. The parking lot in the middle of the U was barren for the most part, Logan having decided that it was likely that the majority of the people choosing to pay to stay there didn't have the money for a vehicle of their own. The bulk of the cars in the lot changed by the hour, depending on the schedule of the Johns coming in and out with call girls or drunkards and druggies looking for a place to crash or deal. Logan's own car was the only one that really stayed put, tucked in the corner not facing the direction of traffic flow on the highway so that none of the guys would be able to spot the silver automobile right away if they were driving by all the motels and hotels they could think of, which they definitely had. He was careful, though; going to restaurants he knew the others didn't frequent and shopping at convenience stores rather than any major markets for other necessities after chancing one trip to the mall for clothes; successfully avoiding any fans, paparazzi, and family. He didn't want to be found until he decided otherwise.

"Ha," Kendall let the single syllable out with no emotion, showing Logan just how much he was entertained by his false European adventures.

"Stop whining. I just talked to you three days ago," Logan argued and held the phone in his hand again as he squinted at a couple on his floor at the other side of the U.

The guy had his hands on the girl's ass and his tongue down her throat as they stumbled to their room. He figured that they must have been teenagers looking for a spot to be alone because neither one of them were acting like the hookers he'd seen, male or female. None of them ever did anything out in the open or until they got paid, and he only knew that much after hearing a screaming match between a working girl and her customer through the thin walls on his first night there. It was very entertaining stuff. It made the TV seem boring when Logan could hear some drama and occasionally fear for his life right in the flesh.

He snapped the curtains shut, not wanting to chance seeing any displays of illegal activities after a quiet morning. He always felt like he belonged in jail himself for just witnessing such things, and he thought that keeping his latest memory of the outside world, one of a young and consenting couple, was better than half of the things he had viewed in the last week.

"And you don't see a problem with that, Logan? We're all supposed to talk _**every**_ day. It's what we do."

The sound of Kendall's distress brought Logan back to the call, blinking when his eyes struggled to adjust to the now dim room once the curtains were drawn closed.

"I needed a break," he responded and sighed tiredly.

He and Kendall had had this conversation before during the first time he finally answered his call, which was a few days after he stormed out of the Palm Woods. That discussion had been intense, Kendall begging on behalf of James for him to come back and getting denied only to shift gears and attempt a general conversation instead just to keep Logan on the phone; discussing what he and Sage had spoken about and then, on a whim, even explaining how the girl and James had been working together to better the teen. Logan had laughed at that, not because it was funny but because it was comically sad how bad James messed up even when he was claiming to be improved.

Kendall really didn't care if Logan was still bitter about James kissing Camille, he just wanted him to be bitter at home, but Logan refused to return just yet or give information as to where he was. All he thought they needed to know was that he was at a motel and safe, at least as safe as he could be in an establishment like the one he resided in.

Logan spun around and stared at his room with a frown. It wasn't Third World living, but it definitely wasn't 2J, where everything was fresh and vibrant in color and atmosphere; with blues and oranges and reds and a yellow swirly slide. His motel room was just brown, and that was about it. Logan had honestly never seen so many shades of brown in one place, and he even named them out of boredom when he realized that the advertised color television only had twelve channels consisting of fuzzy pornography and infomercials for items that any person with half a brain wouldn't require even once in their lives.

There were tan walls, cream lampshades, chocolate curtains, toffee sheets, and there were also beige towels in the bathroom that went perfectly with the matching bathmat and soap dish that accented the permanently russet ring on the bottom of the toilet.

"We all miss you…" Kendall started again, taking on a softer attitude that had Logan relaxing and staring at the tan wall in front of him, momentarily wondering if there was another, better name for the color, "… especially James. He sleeps upstairs…"

Suddenly, Logan didn't really care about any color other than red because that was all he was seeing.

"In my bed?" he yelled piercingly.

He was livid at the thought of James taking over his space, even if it was because James missed him and didn't want to sleep alone in his own bedroom. Logan decided that he now hated the idea of sharing, which was odd because it was the first thing he learned in school, and he was always good at it; not putting up any fights and continuously backing down from confrontation. He was the type of toddler who would hand over his toys if he thought it would make the other children like him or at least leave him alone, but he never thought he'd wind up sharing his girlfriend with James. That was breaking all kinds of rules that he hadn't considered before, and it gave him a headache that rivaled all the others James had ever given him in their lifetime together.

"N-No… uh…" Kendall searched for a lie, his voice jumbled and hesitant and causing Logan to pinch the bridge of his nose after switching his phone to the other ear. "He sleeps with Carlos in his bed," he finished boldly.

"What?"

Logan could hear Carlos yell in protest, sounding as if he hadn't been that far away from Kendall.

"What's your problem? It would be an honor to get laid by me!" James shrieked back indignantly and Logan flinched. He hadn't heard James' voice in more than seven days, and he wasn't entirely sure he wanted to now either. He wasn't sure of much anymore.

"You have a dick…" Carlos was lower this time, more exhausted and confused. Logan could imagine the look on his face, one of fear yet somehow still fun. He missed that look. He even almost sort of missed James being stupid.

"So? I'm awesome to all eyes. Sexy does not discriminate," James informed Carlos, and then silence followed; Logan assuming that Kendall was watching the display while he listened along.

"You're sleeping on the floor next to Sage and Kendall from now on," Carlos announced levelly.

"I am not!"

"He is not!"

Kendall's voice, the latter one, boomed in Logan's ear as he stifled laughter at the outburst and pulled his phone away for a second.

"I don't want to be with them when they're having relations. That would be weird!" James argued, and Kendall audibly huffed in what Logan took as strong agreement when paired with the rustling of the boy's head moving up and down in a nod.

"I thought sexy didn't discriminate…" Carlos teased obnoxiously, mixing in a few giggles towards the end when James' face most likely got livid at having his own quip tossed back at him.

"I'm buying myself lunch, and you're not invited," the stubborn brunette declared haughtily.

It was easier for Logan to stop his own laughter when he realized he found James funny. He didn't want to like James at all right then, not when he was still confused about how he was feeling and how he should respond to everything that had gone down.

"James, wait! I'm starving!" Carlos cried, going after James and slamming the door behind them.

"James seems like he's doing just wonderful," Logan professed bitterly to Kendall, who groaned. Logan could hear the familiar sound of one of the stools at the kitchen counter scraping across the wooden floor as his friend took a seat.

"You can't stay mad at him forever, Logie."

"Is that a challenge?" Logan smirked and leaned on the edge of the wobbly dresser encasing the prized television.

"Stop playing around," Kendall ordered him gently.

"Who's playing, Kendall? I'm in a frickin' motel room that smells like death, and the water in the shower literally takes ten minutes to get hot and it only stays that way for five. Do you really think I'm here because it's fun? Because I enjoy it? I'm here because I need to think," Logan ranted, pushing harder into the furniture beneath him only to wince when it creaked and threatened to break. The fact that the tiny noise was the only movement in the room reminded him how alone he was.

Then again, being alone was always one of the things he handled best. He thought more clearly in solitude. It was how his home was after Laura dove into her job and Patrick left, which, in retrospect, was probably why Logan had gradually done even better in school as he grew up and spent more and more time by himself in the Mitchells' large house after class in the sessions of time he allotted for homework. That upside of seclusion was why Logan chose to get a room away from the others so he could figure his social life out now.

However, the traffic right outside of his window, the couples always fucking loudly at night in the bed behind his in the adjacent room, and the screaming matches two Italian war heroes had every morning in the room below was nothing like Sherwood. He guessed that peace wasn't in the cards for him anymore. Nothing was what it once was for him.

"Think here at home… This is _**still**_ your home, isn't it?" Kendall asked warily, worrying about Logan having completely cut off his life from 2J.

"Yeah," Logan answered hesitantly.

"Even if James is here? Because he tells me that he's ready to move out if you want him to just so you'll come back," Kendall chuckled.

"He needs to stop being dramatic," Logan pressed his lips together and shook his head, staring down at a crack in the dresser beneath him and tracing it thoughtfully with his finger.

"This coming from the guy who ran away from home after punching his brother," Kendall taunted, and Logan could practically hear his signature smirk.

"Shut up," he countered lamely.

"Dude, you're like the lead in a sappy teen movie," Kendall laughed heartily, eliciting a scowl from Logan as he tried not to smile.

"Stop it, Kendall! I'm trying to be irate here. Making me laugh doesn't go with my look."

"Who's watching you?" Kendall laughed even harder.

"The cleaning lady, Bernice, and the guy at the front desk, who chose to remain anonymous when I checked in," Logan told him without missing a beat, and Kendall's laughter died when he gasped.

"Oh, my god, Logan! Please, just come back here before you get raped or murdered," he pleaded, shuffling the phone around noisily when he realized the dangerous conditions of Logan's temporary home.

"I can take care of myself just fine," Logan complained. Sometimes he liked being coddled by his brothers as he grew up, but he was attempting something different now; feeling both exhilarated and anxious.

"You _**did**_ give James a nice bruise," Kendall conceded, probably picking up on Logan's reluctance to being babied.

"Does it look just terrible?" Logan wondered cheerfully. He found a hop in his step as he pushed off of the dresser and approached the bed, imagining James' pretty face all messed up. "Are girls turning away from him left and right?" he giggled immaturely and flopped down onto the mattress, but then he jumped up and tumbled to the floor almost as soon as he made contact. He forgot that he had made a mental pact with himself to sleep on the disgusting sofa, which was dirty but less likely, in his mind, to be disease ridden compared to the bed.

"He hasn't talked to any girls. He doesn't even usually leave the apartment unless we take him somewhere," Kendall continued like he hadn't heard Logan's body connect with the ground and the heavy gust of air pass his lips in exertion as he fumbled to get up, hold the phone, and not touch the bed all at once.

"He is just doing it to get attention," he insisted dismissively and pulled himself to the couch next to the bathroom door to take a seat, rubbing at his knee where it had hit the un-cushioned floor.

"He's depressed, Logan… He's worried you'll never come back. The things you said-"

"I didn't say that I was staying gone forever," Logan fought, scratching the top of his head with a sigh. No matter what James did, he would always be his brother, and he didn't like the idea of him hurting, especially not when he knew what emotional pain really felt like. "Get him to cheer up," he yawned and put his care lightly, unwilling to admit it fully.

"We try all the time," Kendall claimed exasperatedly, voice rising slightly before falling again. "He just kinda hangs around. Sage has to talk him off the ledge every fucking day… I have no idea what things are gonna be like when Gustavo wants us back at work… You'll be there for that, right?" he seemed so small to Logan then, begging like a child who lost someone important. Logan was sure he must have sounded like that for months after Patrick walked out.

"I plan on it," Logan assured him.

"Really?" Kendall turned bright and deafening, making Logan pull his phone away from his ear again as he chuckled.

"Yes, really. I can't very well stay in this hell hole. It's not a suitable permanent residence," he joked, listening to Kendall's laughter before things got quiet and serious again. "Tell Carlos I miss being roomies…"

"Logan…" Kendall began in warning. He knew when a new rant was coming, and he had heard one like this before. Logan wanted Kendall to relay messages for him instead of doing it himself.

"And make sure that Sage knows I forgive her because she didn't know any better," Logan disregarded Kendall's light protest and soldiered on animatedly, leaning back further into the couch. "I mean, can you really blame her? She fell for James' shit like everyone else does," he rolled his eyes and donned a mock voice, one that was higher in pitch to comically resemble anyone who had ever assisted James. "'Oh, James, sure I'll help you! You're sweet and charming and frickin' adorable. I'll give you everything I've got so you can turn around and use it to hurt other people'..." Logan huffed and lifted his legs so he could recline on the length of the couch.

"Tell them yourself."

Apparently, Kendall chose to ignore the monologue.

"I'll call them later," Logan forfeited and stared up at the ceiling, eyeing stains from old plumbing mishaps.

"They'd like that," Kendall murmured in relief.

Carlos was naturally a happy guy, but he got sad now every time he turned to Logan for an answer only to see that the boy wasn't there. In the mornings, he expected to wake up and see Logan cooking some elaborate breakfast because he was an early riser, but he was met with cereal boxes and silence instead until the others were around to make things more bearable. He put on a brave face, though he'd be so much more relaxed if Logan would text or call him, and Sage would have some peace of mind as well.

In the first phone call with Kendall, Logan had expressed deep apologies towards Sage. He had been angry and hurt and regretted looking at her and speaking to her the way he did without really knowing what her motivations were. If anyone understood growth and change and mental alterations, it was Logan, and that was exactly what Sage was going through. She was still learning to interact with people in general, which was saddening and twisted because of the type of life she was forced to grow up with, and Logan had spent days upon days diving into her head and learning how she felt and thought and processed things. That was why he could forgive Sage for keeping James' secrets from him.

It was natural for her to make a mistake here and there, and he wished he had been more delicate when it came to that. He wished he had worked her through it instead of chastising her for it. He felt his own guilt for how he knew she would feel after she hurt him. Sage had been so imperfect and neglected and rejected for years, and now that she had a chance at a happy and content life with the ones she came to love, she put so much pressure on herself to keep it that way; to keep progressing rather than stepping backwards because she knew that if she froze and inched in the wrong direction, then she'd just plummet eventually and remorsefully take the others with her because of how attached they were. There would be no real gradualness. She could relapse at any time with the right trigger and the smiles and pleasantries could become as nonexistent as they once were; like she was never healed. But that was because healing her didn't cure her. It made her more resilient, but the original feelings of anxiety and constant fright remained, and they'd always drive her every move.

When they met Sage, it was so easy for fans and strangers to see a normal, quiet girl in front of them; shying away from cameras and sticking to the boys' sides for comfort and displaying no positive or negative dramatics, being a teen that fell in the middle of everything so she could hide. They didn't know how much went through her mind. She constantly thought about messing up, about cracking and showing her true colors; the gray, muddled ones hidden behind the vibrant hues she strived to earn in the last year. She worried about embarrassing the band or letting down Gustavo by behaving like she used to, entirely withdrawn and visibly terrified, and she worked every day to keep herself and the family afloat.

Logan had remembered that struggle once he calmed down and got away from the apartment, so he could exonerate his sister from her wrongdoings after delivering a few harsh phrases in fury-driven retribution. He knew that she would take every word to heart and use it to do better because she was so eager to figure out life.

James was a different animal, though. Instead of analyzing life, he tended to keep his own overly simple, thus complicating everyone else's around him. He had messed up with Logan hundreds of times before in little ways here and there and he never gained lasting lessons from his transgressions, and this time it was catastrophic; serious enough to get a strike to his face and for Logan to begin questioning his choices and feelings. However, maybe, just maybe, this was the type of push Logan had needed to realize some things he hadn't focused on before. It wasn't the vacation he imagined when Gustavo had given them the time off to fix Kendall, who ironically solved his own problems just fine and relatively civilly, but the once-angry Logan was finding an odd peace in the dirty motel room. It gave him a space to concentrate like he hadn't in a long time. It was a getaway as he pondered the next phase of his life. James kissing Camille meant much more to the kisser, the kissed, and to the deceived than any of them realized as of yet, and Logan would be the one to figure it out.

"James would probably like it if you called him too," Kendall hopefully suggested, raising the inflection in his voice to sound more upbeat, but Logan didn't respond to the words directly.

"Has he really been good lately?"

Kendall knew that Logan was talking about the bigger picture, not just how James was at the moment. He had been briefed about the boy's attempts to change, attempts he had thought he was seeing before but was now given proof of by admittance from Sage and James. For Logan, it was nice to know that it wasn't just his imagination; that James really was trying to improve his life and attitude. It was just too bad that he had fucked it up.

"He was doing really well, but now he's just sad. Me, Sage, and Car keep thinking he's gonna go out and get drunk or do drugs… or something worse…" Kendall anxiously readjusted his phone so that Logan could hear the small shifts as he moved around.

"What could be worse?" he inquired, crossing his legs on the small couch; his feet touching one arm and his head resting on the other as he sunk into the musty cushions. He almost wished he was back home in his own room.

"He could disappear for good. Trust me, losing one of your brothers and not knowing where he is sucks big time," Kendall's voice had an implying tone, and Logan knew he was talking about him.

"I said I was sorry! I was angry… I still am at him…"

"I get it. I was pissed too, Logie, but there's parts of the story that you don't know yet. You have to listen to James… It's important."

Kendall hadn't told Logan the entirety of what the others knew. Logan had no idea that James had honest to god not-just-sexual feelings for Camille. He hadn't kissed her to see where it would lead. He kissed her on instinct, with a mix of emotions conflicting inside of him until his body moved on its own and made no attempt to consult his brain first. James, like Logan, had a lot to figure out too, and Carlos, Sage, and Kendall encouraged him to tell Logan what was happening with him, but he couldn't do it if Logan didn't contact him.

"I'm sick of listening to him," Logan whined and kicked the couch lightly beneath his feet, startled when someone pressed on their car horn outside.

"That's your biggest problem right there. You're so used to him fucking up that you're just expecting it to happen again, and then you punish James before he even does anything," Kendall groaned in frustration. Treating James like that, as if they could tell his unhappy and troublesome future because they knew him so well, was part of the reason he had utilized Sage so much and avoided coming to them in the first place. Kendall was tired of them being split up. It was like he had told James, they needed to all work together and he needed to be able to come to them.

"And you're saying that it's my fault?" Logan grimaced and sat up out of aggravation, still too irritated to heed Kendall's more knowledgeable words. "I'm only this fucking crazy because he made me this way, Kendall! How much am I supposed to take from him? You weren't there for our whole adolescence, but this was always what he did; different details, but always the same result. He steps on people and crosses too many lines because he doesn't think crap through, but the real kicker is that he never does it _**intentionally**_, so we _**have**_ to forgive him, right?" he slumped forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he took a calming breath and listened to Kendall speak evenly, unaffected by the expected outburst.

"He makes mistakes, but he's always sorry. He always wants to do better."

"And what if I don't always want to forgive him like all the times before?" Logan shut his eyes to block his vision of the brown carpet between his legs, the sight beginning to make him nauseous because it wasn't like home. At first, he curiously basked in the differences, but he was starting to gradually loathe them at the moment as some sort of subconscious tension began to build up inside of him due to the direction the conversation was taking.

"Who else will? What else does he have except for us? We're all a family, and that means we stick together. If you want to come back and beat the shit out of James, fine. I'll buy fuckin' ringside seats, but stop running. It makes you no better than him when he lies," Kendall spoke boldly and confidently, making his leadership qualities shine through in hopes of getting to Logan.

Maybe it worked. Logan opened his eyes and bit his tongue, choosing to think before he initiated yet another rant. He decided to use his brain instead of his anger, and he felt a sense of clarity with that; a new wave of focus, concern, and examination.

"What is it that James hasn't told me? What am I missing?"

Kendall thought that Logan may not have picked up on the small hint he dropped earlier. He figured he would have just chalked it up to being a part of his begging regimen, but he should have known better. Logan knew and saw all, and if, by chance, he didn't, then he always had his ways of searching the knowledge out.

"Um…" Kendall began nervously. The secret wasn't his to tell, but the others already knew, so perhaps James wouldn't be bothered if it might get Logan to return home.

"Just say it, man. Nothing's going to get any worse than me being in a motel for a week instead of 2J. I can't get madder than I was," Logan held his breath. He had talked securely, but he was really wondering what Kendall had to say that was considered so jarring that it had the usually well-spoken teen fumbling for speech.

"He likes Camille," Kendall breathed into the phone, creating static in the connection, but Logan heard him clearly and chuckled.

"Yeah, he likes her body," he snorted and leaned back on the couch, stretching his feet out and kicking the thin carpet with his heels to create a few thumps he thought may annoy the tenant below his room but not caring.

"No... He, uh- James, has a c-crush on Cam," Kendall laughed timidly, and Logan could imagine him clasping his hands together for false cheer and enthusiasm.

"James doesn't get crushes. Infatuations, maybe, but it's always over as soon as he beds the girl," he insisted facetiously, picking at a loose thread coming from a hole at the knee of his jeans only to emphasize his cold indifferent attitude as if Kendall could actually see him relaxing on the ugly sofa in the less-than-desirable room with purely false contentment.

"He kissed Camille because he thought she was beautiful, not because he liked imagining what she looked like naked," Kendall explained it again slowly and firmly, enunciating each word and rephrasing carefully to the boy who just couldn't seem to accept it.

"Please stop defending him, Kendall. He can't justify his actions after the fact with lies. Is he trying to make me furious again?" Logan screamed rhetorically and sat back up to the edge of the couch spastically, his body wildly moving to and fro.

"Shit, Logan… He likes her!" Kendall shouted with a stern and unwavering tone, and Logan was done arguing because he had no idea what he was supposed to say to the truth behind the statement. His mouth was dry as Kendall continued softly. "He likes her like I liked Sage at the beginning when we first met. He described it just the same. There were differences, yeah, and it's less intense, but it's still so heavy," he groaned in exhaustion as if he had discussed it with James enough to know both how complicated things had gotten and how serious they truly were.

James had told Kendall that, when he was with Camille, the world got a little brighter and more interesting; more alluring just like when Kendall had met Sage. In that time long ago, he had also reacted instinctively, grabbing her hand right away purely because he felt the need to along with the desire to kiss her. That's what James said he experienced in his "dumb-fuck" moment with Camille. Granted, it was less extreme than Kendall and Sage, and James had explained it as simply and quickly as possible due to his jumbled nerves and still confused mindset, but Kendall knew the signs of true affection. He knew that epic pull when it was described because it was what he felt every day.

It was also something Logan had never felt with Camille, and no one was quite sure what to make of that yet.

"He teared up about it when he told me and Carlos. He'll deny it, but he's scared of what he felt," Kendall whispered as if others could hear him when Logan never responded. He just stared into space, ignoring the crumbling wallpaper and dim surroundings for once while he listened to Kendall. "Part of the reason James doesn't leave the apartment much is because he's worried about running into Camille. He never said those actual words to me, but it's what he told Sage…" Kendall finished and trailed off, realizing he had spoken for a while without a word from his friend.

"Fuck," Logan breathed loudly, making a short noise as he fell back onto the couch again.

He thought something like this would have thrown him off, but, in actuality, it made things clearer. It made the cloudiness in his mind, which had sat there for seven days, slowly dissipate and reveal some sort of answer; the answer of what he was supposed to do to make things right again. And, yes, maybe it was James who should have been making things right, but Logan didn't see it that way. All of the cards were in his hands, and James knew it. That's why he was waiting too. Logan got to make all the choices.

"You still there?" Kendall asked nervously and broke Logan out of his stupor.

"Yes," he answered simply, saying nothing else and letting Kendall dutifully fill the silence with a new topic; figuring he was going to get nothing more from Logan in response to James' reveal.

"Have you spoken to Cam at all, or am I the only special one who gets to hear your voice?" he questioned brightly, chuckling shortly at the end.

"I have no idea what to say to her," Logan confessed with an anxious grunt as he held his phone close and curled on his side, placing his head against the arm of the couch and stretching his top leg over the other while chewing at his bottom lip.

"Don't be like that. James was the one who kissed _**her**_, remember? She didn't kiss him back. She _**hit**_ him," Kendall chuckled again and Logan cracked a weak grin.

"I know…" he agreed, but he didn't sound all that convinced.

Logan didn't really want to talk about Camille because she was always on his mind right alongside James. They shared the same space in his head for days while he thought about his relationship with his girlfriend and how they were as a duo way before James kissed her. Sure, his brother had done the unthinkable, but considering whether he should forgive him or not wasn't the only thing Logan had to decide. James wasn't the only reason he was steering clear of the Palm Woods for a while.

"What are you thinking?" Kendall spoke accusingly, his voice thick with a taunting and almost knowing quality that made Logan's brow furrow childishly.

"How do you know I'm thinking?" he countered haughtily and held his phone tighter as he turned onto his back and stared at the cracked ceiling once again.

"I can hear you," Kendall replied without a pause, and Logan could have sworn that he detected a smirk on his friend's face.

"You can't hear one think, Kendall. It's a mental activity with no visual evidence," he rolled his eyes and grinned while tucking his free hand behind his head.

"Stop being smart," Kendall sighed in annoyance.

"I'm always smart," Logan smugly retorted.

"Stop being an ass," Kendall shot right back, less annoyed that time.

"I'm always an- Nice try, jerk," Logan hissed through a smile that relaxed him when he heard Kendall's full laughter on the line.

"I love you, Loges. Come home soon, okay?" Kendall softened and lowered his voice as his laughter died down and he most likely wished his absent brother was right in front of his face rather than in an unknown location.

Logan, feeling himself continue to grow more clear, like he was on the verge of making a final choice, let out a small noise of agreement and commitment; a simple hum that was sure to please Kendall given all of the time he had put into getting Logan to come back to 2J.

"I won't be too much longer… and I love you too, Kendall."

* * *

"Oh, my god. We _**love**_ you, like really, really love you," a redheaded teenager repeated to James for the seventh time since her and her friend had run into him and Carlos two minutes earlier.

"You've said that before, but you can keep going if you want," James smiled charmingly and glanced upward to wink at her before continuing a nice, short message on the CD booklet of their album he was signing for her.

"Don't tell her that or she won't ever stop, and my mom wants us home in twenty minutes for dinner," a blonde teen, the girl's friend, smiled excitedly. Her words sounded like banter, but she was being completely serious. That, mixed with her star-struck attitude, made for a goofy look on her face that refused to leave as she gazed back and forth from James to Carlos, who was taking his turn signing her CD.

"I'd never want you to miss a meal. Hurry up, James," Carlos smirked and nudged the boy's shoulder with his. Their two fans probably thought he was being cute, but James knew that Carlos was just being hungry.

The "perfect soft pretzel" at the stand outside of the music store in the mall had his "name on it", and he was about to claim it before the pair of younger girls approached them giddily when they spotted them. Neither member of BTR was too surprised, though. They had dealt with tons of fans since they made it big, their long tour and continuing concerts in the area only enlarging their hype and popularity, and James and Carlos had gone to a crowded mall without any disguises or stealthy articles of clothing on at all; a surefire way to wind up marking something or other with their autograph.

James actually wanted a hat and sunglasses if he was going to be forced to leave 2J, where he preferred to stay since Logan left, but Carlos had given him no time to get anything when he pulled him out of the apartment and dumped him into Kendall's car; the borrowed keys already jingling in his hand before James had adequate time to protest. His phrases of objection, "Take me home, Carlos" and "Turn the damn car around", were ignored when they pulled into the large parking lot of the mall, which James normally loved above most things, but he didn't want to be there when he was supposed to be home; depressed and missing Logan until the boy showed back up and told him his final fate.

But he had put on a cordial and pleased face as soon as he met the two girls. The fans didn't need to know that there were personal issues among the members of the band, and they didn't need to experience James in a grumpy mood. He loved them too much for that.

"Here you go, sweetie," James smiled and handed the CD back to the girl, letting her pull him in for one last hug just before Carlos was giving his item back to the blonde and embracing her as well.

"Thank you so much, guys! We can't wait for your next concert!" the redhead squealed and grabbed at her friend as they both moved to the exit in a fit of giggles and whispers, the second girl producing her phone to most likely call her mother.

"Let's hope there is a 'next concert'…" James mumbled forlornly, his smile completely gone once the fans were out of his line of sight as he thought about Logan not returning to the band.

"Don't be like that. I brought you here to cheer you up and all you've done is pout," Carlos rolled his eyes at the gloomy boy and bit gently on his tongue in concentration, ignoring James' continuously depressing words as he randomly drew a cartoon dragon onto the palm of his hand with the marker he had forgotten to give back to the girls. "Plus," he spoke slowly and squinted as he added wings to his character, "Logie said that he's coming back soon."

"Well, excuse me for not believing whatever he says to _**just **_you, Kendall, and Sage," James replied bitterly, crossing his arms and moving a few feet to sit on the edge of a partition at the center of the walkway in the mall; filled with pebbles and fake foliage.

It had been two days since Kendall spoke with Logan on the phone again and he agreed that he'd be back soon; telling the same thing to Carlos and Sage when he decided to call them to talk. He hadn't reached out to James, though, and it both aggravated and disheartened him. He knew Kendall had told Logan about his liking for Camille, but, James thought, that the truth must have meant nothing to Logan. No one realized that it would actually change everything.

"I could try calling him right now and see if I can get him to talk to y-"

"Don't you have a pretzel to buy?" James interrupted Carlos. It was odd, but he liked to complain about Logan not speaking to him while simultaneously being scared of that very thing. Just the thought of conversing or hearing Logan in that second sent him into an internal panic that he covered up with a cold demeanor.

"Yeah," Carlos sighed and dropped the subject as he stuck the cap back onto the marker and shoved it into his pocket, replacing the item in his hand with his wallet. "You want one?" he motioned towards the pretzel stand and smiled at James, who shook his head and waved him off.

Carlos frowned but hurried over anyway, getting into a lively discussion with the old man working the food stand and pointing out the exact pretzel he needed. It had the perfect amount of salt and no mustard because, according to Carlos, it took away from the doughy taste, which was why he often chose to eat his favorite corndogs without any condiments either. James snickered when the employee gestured to the mustard as if he was going to offer it and Carlos went into a full explanation about flavoring before handing over the money to pay for the snack.

"Oh, look! Expensive clothes! You love pricey things," Carlos popped up in front of James before the boy realized he had stopped paying attention, causing him to jerk back and hit the bottom of a plastic bush. His brother was wiggling his shoulders cheerfully as if he was going to dance and somehow get James to do it with him as he tugged him by the wrist and led him to a clothing store that James didn't have time to catch the name of before he was ushered beyond the entry way.

"It's because the pricey things are the best things," James mumbled softly, resilient to smiling. He really did love looking for new clothes to buy, and he could afford more of them now with the hefty funds they got from sales and appearances, but he didn't think that he should be having fun.

"I don't know. This pretzel was pretty cheap, and it's the best one I've ever had. The other place on the second floor charges fifty cents more," Carlos attempted to look serious, but he grinned anyway and took a huge bite of his snack; chomping his teeth and food at James. The saleslady organizing the front window glared at him and opened her mouth to say something about him eating around the merchandise, but then she snapped it shut and seemed to realize who they were. She went back to selecting which shoes to display while keeping an eye on the rambunctious teen, knowing her boss would hold her responsible for any damaged property.

"Shut up," James chuckled, something he rarely did for real anymore, and shoved Carlos so he could step further into the store to see a mannequin with an appealing leather jacket draped over it.

It didn't make him happy like designer clothes usually did, though. With all of his personal problems at home, a lot of the outside things lost their charm. He frowned at the jacket and glanced around the store as if it might have something to offer him that could make him feel better, but he saw nothing other than fabric, shiny floors, and a few quiet customers.

"Come on, James! You're gonna get wrinkles if you keep frowning…" Carlos informed him, pointing at James' expression as it darkened and he turned his head to narrow his hazel eyes at Carlos while the boy obliviously tore off another piece of his pretzel; salt crumbling onto his shirt and wax paper wrapping crinkling noisily. "And maybe your face will stay like that forever," he mumbled an ominous warning while chewing his food, making the words lose any effect other than James raising a slim brow and walking over to a row of shirts. "You'd need plastic surgery to make it go back to the way it was, and I don't think Gustavo would wanna give us anymore vacation time," Carlos followed him closely and talked to fill the space that kept coming between them due to James' newly instated misery.

"God knows this one fuckin' sucked…" James smirked humorously and flipped through the shirts.

They never really had a good track record with breaks. Something always went wrong. It started with James throwing a party that landed them in the Sherwood police station on Thanksgiving weekend for Logan's eighteenth birthday. Then, when Gustavo went away to New York last year, James had partied too hard and wound up snorting cocaine. He didn't even want to think about their most recent Christmas career-scare, and now Logan had left home in this two-week vacation. It didn't escape James that he had a heavy hand in all of those disasters.

"It'll be nice to go back to the studio, and it's a major upside that Logan promised to be there. Gustavo never even has to know any of this happened," Carlos sighed in relief and took smaller nibbles of his pretzel to make it last.

"He's gonna find out anyway," James snorted and spun to look at his confused friend. "Logan's coming back to work because he's responsible, but then what? I'll get another dose of silent treatment, and that shit is uncomfortable for everyone watching, including our boss. It's going to be unbearable," James shivered and nervously picked at his nails, "and it might not ever end this time… Maybe it would be better if I left. I could run off to Paris and become a model with a new stage name. I'd have to be in stupid commercials, but I'll do anything as long as I'm out of here and away from Camille." James avoided the way Carlos stared at him oddly with the abrupt transition of mentioning Camille, like she had a lot to do with his choices, and he rambled on about new job opportunities. "I would make a bitchin' porn star. I'm, like, fantastic at sex," he announced vainly, squaring his shoulders and smiling forcedly.

"You don't really wanna be away from Camille…" Carlos argued confidently, tossing the last bit of pretzel into his mouth and stuffing the wrapper into his pocket when he saw no garbage can in the area.

He ignored every other part of his friend's speech and zoned in on the very piece James had let slip. It was almost like having Logan around.

"Wh- Of course I do!" James opposed the accusation with a jittery motion, his shoulders losing their stance as his hands fell to his sides.

"No, you just want to stay out of her space because you think it's all awkward between you two since you attacked her with your lips. You're a wimp," Carlos declared frankly, not staying to see James open and close his mouth like a fish and instead moving to a table of silky ties to check out the patterns. He liked some of the expensive things too, but he usually preferred James or their stylists picking them out for him.

"Why are you being such an ass to me?" James whined and stomped his foot loudly before following, gaining the attention of the saleslady, who chose to disregard them again once she saw that the two weren't throwing punches.

"Because nothing else has worked, and it's been over a week of you acting mopey. Logan isn't here and I don't want to keep missing you too," Carlos replied, keeping his voice down along with his head, taking in the view of the various ties again and again.

"I'm right here…" James maintained weakly, hating the idea of Carlos feeling like he was gone. They were always simply best friends, both crazy and energetic and easygoing, and that was something he assumed would never change, but he had also assumed that he himself would never change.

However, part of his growth was the realization that everything took effort to stay the way it was or to make it better. There were no miracles being handed out. Everyone had to work for happiness, had to earn it and battle to keep it.

"Not really. You're not you. My best friend, James Diamond, would dive right into this and search for a solution. Even though he'd probably make things worse, he'd do it anyway. He'd fight because he has spunk," Carlos smiled affectionately at him, finally looking up, and bumped his fist against his shoulder; showing James that he wasn't mad, just upset.

"I _**am**_ pretty gutsy… Idiotic, but gutsy," he smirked and dug his hands into his pockets while roaming down the center of one of the aisles.

"So why are you hiding? Why can't you say you're sorry to Camille instead of telling us to tell her all the time? Logan is gone until he doesn't want to be alone anymore, but she's right there at the Palm Woods every day. You kissed her but now you can't even look at her. That's weird for you…" Carlos spoke thoughtfully and watched James stop at the counter filled with colognes of various light colors, all smelling heavily and making him dizzy once they got close enough. James didn't seem to mind, he just picked up a shiny bottle and stared at the back of it. Carlos was pretty sure nothing was written in English because he'd never seen any of the words before.

"The kissing isn't the problem. The girl is. She's _**Camille**_," James said the name with purpose, like it affected everything, and maybe it actually did for him. "She's the only female friend I've got by just my choice. We have a lot of fun together and she gets my sense of humor and dreams. There was no one like her back in Minnesota, no girl that just wanted to get to know me and be my friend and not my next hookup, and now I ruined that. She probably thinks I'm a horny bastard… I wouldn't know what to say to her without being embarrassed, and I-um…" James swallowed thickly, his eyes darting to Carlos, who was intently listening, and then his vision went back down to the glass countertop. "Only the half of me that wants to make Logan happy wishes I could take the kiss back. The other half w-wants to do it a-again…" his voice fell so low that Carlos had to step closer so he could hear, but he made out everything.

"You love Camille."

James almost dropped the expensive fragrance, clinking the bottle on the counter clumsily in shock and fumbling to keep the product in once piece with Carlos' overly straightforward observation ringing in his ears like an annoying bell.

"No, I don't. Stop it," James shook his head vigorously and held up his trembling hands once the bottle was safely in place. "Me and her aren't- The kiss wasn't anything i-important, Carlos!" The backpedalling he was doing with jumbled nerves even sounded ridiculous to himself, but he wasn't about to agree with his friend. He wasn't prepared for that. "It was a stupid kiss like all the others I've ever had, and all of those were just a means to an end. It was foreplay," he grinned darkly and stepped away from the display and away from Carlos, roaming back down another random aisle without really paying attention.

"Well," Carlos began as if he wasn't annoyed by James' defensive and crude comments, being capable of seeing through them, "you've already said that your 'end' wasn't to screw Camille," he sped up his pace and walked in front of James, making air quotes with his fingers as he sauntered backwards, "and I'm almost positive that it wasn't to get Logan to hate you. So, you had to have kissed her because you lo-"

"Say it again, and I'll choke you," James glared and used his longer legs to stalk past Carlos to an area full of jeans.

Carlos surveyed James as he walked to the end of the aisle and stopped at the wall where there was a small bench. He sat on it and resumed his "sulking face", crossing his arms and staring at the floor. Carlos approached him slowly and casually leaned against a shelf beside him, neither one of them looking at each other as he spoke; staring out into the store.

"I've never been in love, but I'm not stupid, James. I know that feelings are the only thing that freaks you out enough to make you act crazy and cry."

James stiffened and then squirmed in his seat.

Even if he could be honest and admit that the feelings he had were akin to love, he would never label it like that as of now, but what frightened him most was the possibility of those emotions developing into such a thing. There was a chance for love to actually happen; a chance for everything he ever knew himself to be capable of feeling to morph into something entirely new.

"I didn't cry," James grumbled petulantly, looking sideways at Carlos. He remembered his eyes stinging and his heart beating as his pulsed raced when he explained his thoughts leading up to the kiss. He was always in control when it came to women, but, with Camille, he hadn't done anything deliberately. All of it happened outside of his brain and against all of his usually sexual motives.

"Your mascara was practically running when you told us what went through your head when you were with Cam," Carlos smiled softly, teasing James, who he knew obviously didn't want to talk about it too in-depth anymore.

James sighed and stood, feeling conflicted and tired. All he wanted to do for the last few days was worry about Logan, not himself, but he had forgotten how intricately linked those two things were. The two of them would always have something to do with the other, even if they were avoiding each other or mad at one another.

"Fuck off and buy me a pretzel," James pouted and made his command sound like a question, raising his tone sweetly towards the end as he nodded his head in the direction of the exit that would bring them back to the food stand.

"I thought you didn't want one?" Carlos grinned despite his words and began walking slowly, this time waiting for James to catch up to him as the boy mumbled.

"I have no idea what I really want anymore."

* * *

"I feel obligated to announce that James says he's sorry… again…" Sage grinned uneasily and sighed, sitting down on the large lounger right beside Camille. She had come out to see how she was doing after she spotted the girl sitting by herself at the pool from the window of 2J. They had talked almost every day in the past week and a half, but Sage liked to check in on her even more than usual; knowing that Camille was living alone and juggling the stress of filming and her absent boyfriend.

"That's the fifth time in one day; two from Carlos and another two from Kendall before you. I think that's a new record," the actress chuckled softly and scooted over to make enough room for her best friend, and then she leaned in after Sage was settled so their shoulders were touching; liking that the blonde was wearing long sleeves because the fabric felt warm against her bare arms on the abnormally chilly evening.

"I think he was gonna send flowers, but then he thought it would be a little much," Sage joked, looping her arm around Camille's once she realized the girl's intention for getting close; running her forearm up and down so the cloth of Kendall's sweatshirt took away some of the frigidness on her friend's skin.

"Here's a novel idea…" Camille shut the cover of the script she held in her lap and feigned an astonished smile towards Sage, "… he could try telling me himself sometime," she suggested with wide eyes and waving fingers, acting as if she was performing a magic trick, but then she deflated. "The guy just kisses me and then hits the road without a second look. He didn't even discuss it with me before he ran to Logan, which we both would have done anyway, but we could have done it _**together**_," Camille dropped back onto the lounger, curling her legs closer to her body and tilting her head to see Sage.

"Well, James says that he doesn't want to talk to you himself because it would be, and I quote, 'stepping over a boundary when he already trampled over one, smashed it to bits, poured gasoline on it, struck a match, and set the pile ablaze'…" Sage shrugged, wishing she could help more, but she wasn't allowed to explain the half of James' reasoning that involved his crush on the brunette teen. That was up to him to share with the girl herself if he ever actually wanted to do so, and she really doubted he would.

"I just wish I knew why he did it. I never thought he, uh… I didn't think he thought of me that way," Camille grew anxious as she folded and bended a corner of her script, which Sage was sure she had only been reading to kill boredom rather than to actually study it for the next full day of filming for her movie that was going to wrap soon. Sage was thrown off by her words, never thinking that Camille had nearly figured out James' intentions. "I mean, the girls he usually tries to sleep with are… more promiscuous than me… Maybe he wanted a challenge," Camille proposed in confusion. At first she was mad at James, but now, after several days of contemplation, she was settled on being puzzled.

"I don't know what he was thinking exactly, but maybe one day he'll tell you," Sage didn't want to lie, so she kept her phrasing vague enough to feel like she wasn't betraying anyone or putting herself in a bad place. She had already done that with Logan and regretted it severely. Luckily, the gracious and understanding boy had forgiven her and discussed things in depth over the phone; falling into the loved and comforting role of patient and therapist that always made them understand each other because the structure of it helped them both.

"Did he tell Logan? Have you heard from Logan?" Camille rambled suddenly and snapped her eyes to Sage's. She and her boyfriend hadn't talked at all since before her kiss with James, and he only ever had contact with the others. She was waiting on him to come back and see her.

"Yeah, we did. He said he'll come home soon. He promised to be at work when Gustavo wants them, so it should only be another day or two," Sage assured her, squeezing her arm comfortingly and staring up at the night sky. The air was polluted by the lights of the city, so it wasn't easy to see the stars, but there were a few bright ones that were strong enough to make it through the darkness.

"But he still won't call me," Camille huffed. She was starting to lose her patience, going insane while waiting on Logan to make a move. "You don't think he's mad at me, do you? He does know that I slapped James, right? I think I even hurt him 'cause my hand stung like a bitch after it connected with his surprise-kissing face," she waved her hand triumphantly with a smirk, making Sage giggle, and then the actress softened so quickly that she would have missed it if she blinked. "Wait, he wasn't really that hurt, was he?"

Camille was remorseful and sweet despite being a victim in the situation, and her mood swings had Sage laughing and then widening her eyes. The abruptly shifting and dramatic attitudes reminded her of James when they would converse intensely, and she wasn't sure why she never saw it before. Camille and James would actually make quite the pair.

"I'm pretty sure that the punch he got from Logan totally erased the slap from his memory," Sage smiled at Camille and then went back to gazing at the sky while her friend did the same as she continued. "And Logan will come home and everything will be okay with you two," she guaranteed her quietly, tugging their looped arms closer together.

"But what if it isn't?" Camille mumbled after a few beats of silence, coming off as more frazzled and apprehensive than when she was being loud and dramatic before.

"What?" Sage took her eyes off of a plane's flashing lights overhead and stared at Camille in bewilderment.

"What i-if Logan and I a-aren't okay? What if we haven't been in a while and this was just the l-last straw?" Camille usually appeared composed and well spoken, coming from years of practicing to make it seem like she had confidence even when she didn't for her auditions, but that was nowhere to be seen at the moment.

"You and Logan had problems?"

"Oh, shit! You're talking in the past tense! Do you know something I don't?" Camille stiffened and shifted to fully look at Sage with earnest, all calmness gone.

"No! I misspoke… Stop dodging the real subject…" Sage had to bite back her smile when she realized, once again, how much Camille reminded her of James.

She had been dealing with James and helping him for several months and, now that she was having a conversation with Camille like so many of those times, this felt eerily similar. It was no longer a puzzle as to why James liked her so much. He could identify with Camille in ways that he couldn't with anyone else, not even Sage. No one was like him and no one was like Camille, but somehow they ended up in the same place on earth, and perhaps there was a real value in that.

Camille sighed and rolled her eyes, but she didn't keep her attention on Sage; choosing instead to look up at the sky again.

"Logan and I stopped spending time together, and maybe that's a problem, but the worst part is that I don't think either one of us care about it. We're fine with just meeting up sometimes… It doesn't bother us, but it probably should… We drifted apart almost willingly. We have different interests and personalities, and we do different things, and now everything is messed up because I kissed James," Camille laid her head on Sage's shoulder and shut her eyes as she groaned in frustration.

"You kissed James back?" Sage asked carefully, the girl's wording catching her attention.

"I told you before that I didn't," Camille replied defensively but didn't move off of her friend as she swallowed a newly formed lump in her throat and spoke faintly. "I don't think I did…"

"Did you want to?" Sage wondered, laying her head on top of Camille's to show that the answer wouldn't alter how she felt about her best friend no matter what it was.

The last week had been confusing, but Sage knew one thing for sure; no one was trying to hurt anyone intentionally. Everything just happened. Things were changing.

"It's James," Camille laughed awkwardly, like it was forced, and Sage wasn't buying it.

"Do you like him?" she inquired, keeping her voice level.

"I'm with Logan…"

"That's not what I asked," Sage countered gently and lifted her cheek off of Camille's head.

"You ask a lot of things," she whined playfully, and Sage shrugged her shoulder embarrassedly.

It was in her nature to ask questions without realizing it, especially about her friends and their interactions, because, honestly, she was still learning how people outside of her small life in Ramsey worked. Sometimes she thought that the gaining such knowledge was going to be a lifelong process because she had lost so many important years of her youth, but it was still a development she was grateful to have a chance to experience.

Camille turned on her side, slipping her head off of Sage's shoulder and placing it on the lounger beside her so she could meet the girl's eyes with her own soft expression.

"If I'm being honest, I liked James a lot when the boys first moved here last year... He's attractive, so of course I looked, but Logan was more approachable and cute. I was so intrigued by him because I knew I made him nervous, and it was flattering," she donned a wistful smile of the past, which was where her and Logan's strong connection resided now. "I kind of had a thing for James in the beginning. We bonded right off the bat, talking and running through lines, and he was eager to see what I did for a living; asking a bunch of questions and coming to me for the answers, but I wrote him off romantically after only, like, three days… I saw how he was with girls. He just likes sex and nothing else, and that's not the kind of person I am," Camille shook her head from side to side slowly as Sage watched her think about a time she hadn't witnessed, when BTR entered the Palm Woods and met Camille. Those were months Sage would never see, and she had to take Camille's word for it all, knowing no other facts, and that made her want to ask more questions.

"Would you reconsider him if he wanted more from you… and if you weren't with Logan?" she studied her friend as she worked up a response in her mind, seeing some sort of uncertainty before it shifted into something firm.

"It doesn't matter," Camille sounded well practiced; saying her words so fluidly like it was a fib she had prepared, one she had chanted internally in the last few days as she mulled over what James' kiss meant.

Sage was starting to believe that it had way more significance than the mere meeting of lips, and she wasn't the only one.

"Hey, girls."

She and Camille quickly brought their attention to a new and familiar voice, seeing Logan wearing his signature lopsided smile and leaning against the doorway to the lobby like he had never left.

Sage expected Camille to leap away from her and run to Logan, and for Logan to hold his arms out in turn, but she didn't, and he didn't.

And they actually looked content with that; with Camille slowly slipping out of Sage's grasp and standing up with her instead of sprinting across the pool area.

"You're alive," Camille joked, waving her hands at Logan's seemingly unharmed body.

"Yeah, barely. Incognito motels are risky business," he chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck, glancing cautiously at Sage, who was going to be the first to move among the trio if the couple wouldn't.

"I'm sorry," she carried herself over to Logan and latched her arms around his torso, whispering her apology into his neck as he hugged her.

"Me too," he mumbled, smoothing his hands up and down her back, telling her in two simple words that they really were good; that they were okay. "Don't tell James that I'm here. I'm gonna talk to him myself in a bit…" Logan pulled away after kissing the side of her head. "I don't want the idiot running off before I even get upstairs," he grinned and patted a nodding Sage's arm one last time before he stepped aside and stared at Camille nervously. "Will you take a walk with me, Cam?" he asked softly and buried his hands into his pockets, rocking on his heels with tension in his shoulders.

"Sure," Camille smiled faintly and fumbled with the script in her hands, unsure of what to do with it, before Sage took it from her and tilted her head in a silent goodbye, holding onto the booklet for safekeeping as she went upstairs to 2J.

"Come on, let's go to the park," Logan broke the thick silence with a small grin and guided Camille away.

She followed him, neither one of them making an attempt to touch one another, and they both walked to the back of the pool area and down a small path along the side of the main building that brought them to Palm Woods Park. It was quiet and mostly still, only sounds of distant traffic and chatter on the streets beyond the complex filling the air. A few people were scattered in the open space, a younger teen rushing past them to his apartment, probably in a hurry to make his curfew, and a mother of one of the rising stars in the building was jogging after dinner.

The uncertain couple walked without speaking for several minutes, but then Logan stopped at the large fountain in the center of the property and sat on the smooth slab bordering it, right where he and Camille had first called each other "boyfriend" and "girlfriend".

"Are you mad?" Camille asked with a sigh, sitting down beside him closely so that the sides of their hands touched, but neither one of them seemed to notice the contact; like it didn't really mean anything.

"No, not at all," Logan laughed and shook his head rapidly, the idea of being upset with Camille feeling funny to him. "I was before, at James, but I'm not anymore… I've done a lot of thinking…" he grew more somber when he turned to look at Camille.

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" she bit her lip and analyzed his face as if she could detect the answer before he even gave it.

"Depends on how you look at it, I guess…" he shrugged and pressed his lips together in a thin line, bracing himself and giving Camille time to prepare as well for something they both knew was bound to happen because of the tension between them. "I don't think we should be together anymore…"

Camille didn't appear as though she was expecting those exact words. Her brown eyes widened and her lips parted and shut repeatedly in surprise.

"Why? Did I do something wrong?" she was anxious, rubbing her hands together and fidgeting with her fingers until Logan grabbed them and kept his large palm over the joined digits.

"It's not about you, and it's not even about James. It's just about… everything..."

Logan had pondered so much in his week away from everyone, and his choice to break things off with Camille was the one thing that always rested at the forefront of his mind. Something about their relationship didn't work anymore. Maybe he was getting bored, maybe it was his knack for indecision, but maybe, just maybe, he was merely a nineteen-year-old kid without a clue as to what he really wanted in a romantic bond.

He wasn't Sage or Kendall; he didn't think he could find his love of a lifetime in the blink of an eye or on the first shot. He would admit that there was a minimal chance, but the probability of it was so slim that it planted poisonous seeds of doubt in his mind. And too-strong and genuine doubts had no place in real, honest love, which he believed was possible in actuality. He just didn't possess it right now.

Logan cared for Camille Wyatt, loved her even, but he wasn't so sure that it was in a way that warranted a lifelong commitment after much consideration. It was more of an extreme attraction, a fondness and a liking, but, to him, love was supposed to be more than that. Because of his parents, whose commitment didn't last, he thought love needed to be the consistency of cement to survive; it had to start pliable and loose but settle quickly into something that was solid, compact, and nearly impenetrable. He didn't feel that with Camille. If something made them lose what they had, he wouldn't be destroyed. Hurt and aching, but not pushed to the brink of instability or insanity.

Perhaps Patrick and Laura jaded him, messed him up, but he had learned over the years that the past held significance; it had an invisible but crucial weight, and it shaped who he was and what he wanted out of his life. Logan wasn't even quite sure what that exactly was yet, but he was smart enough and had contemplated it enough to know he didn't have it.

His reaction to James and Camille's kiss proved that to himself. He felt betrayed, like he had gotten brutally slapped and then intentionally kicked to the ground, but he hadn't felt like something was stolen away from him other than trust that could be mended. He hadn't felt like his world imploded, and it was sad that he didn't feel as strongly as he thought he should, but neither he nor Camille could force those things and someone had to be brave enough to bring their lack of existence to light after so many months of complacency.

Neither one of them deserved a fate of "settling". They deserved everything they could get their chance at. Staying together just for the sake of being together wasn't healthy for them.

"I don't know if I'm supposed to argue with you…" Camille whispered shakily and slid one of her hands out from under Logan's and placed it on top of his wrist. She knew what he meant without him really having to say it. They both knew something like this had been bubbling to the surface, and now it was almost as if James had done them a favor by forcing it out into the open. His methods were questionable and accidental, but they needed this. They needed a push.

"Since I've had a week to think about it, let me lay it out like this…" Logan smiled sweetly and then narrowed his eyes, thoughtfully staring into the dark for a moment after spinning his body sideways to look more directly at Camille. "Let's just pretend that the kiss between you and James never happened. Hell, let's say this month never even happened; it's still June…" he glanced at Camille to make sure that she was following, only to find her smirking.

"You're so thorough," she teased, giggling and then waving her hand for him to continue when he glared playfully. They were basically broken up but still talking easily, like their romantic status didn't actually make a difference as to whether they could be close or not. Their care for each other was never in question.

"Anyway, it's June. James never kissed you. He's off doing whatever he does, Carlos is dating some random girl and embarrassing himself with his childish eating habits, and Kendall and Sage are making out in the lobby. You know, the usual…" he grinned when she laughed and twisted her body so that they both sat facing each other on the edge of the fountain with their hands clasped together in the middle of them; the soft blue lights beneath the water illuminating their skin. "What do you feel for me? What are we? Really think about it, and if you say that we still have a spark between us, then we'll give it another try, but I know you won't… I know _**we**_ don't have that," Logan looked at Camille levelly, smiling a little sadly but peacefully.

"Um…" Camille anxiously began, squeezing Logan's hand and sighing. "If I say there's nothing between us anymore, does that make me a bitch?" she stared up at him with a raised brow and a grimace, and Logan laughed softly.

"My answer's the same, so we're both bitches."

"Hey, we have something in common now," she chuckled sarcastically as Logan lifted their hands to land an affectionate kiss on the back of hers.

Life changed them, their motivations and careers, and it wasn't just Logan or just Camille. It was a delicate mixture of them both that led to this, and that was why they could respect their mutual decision. There was no anger or resentment, just understanding, a bit of grief, and a lot of sympathy and compassion.

"You made a wonderful first boyfriend," Camille kissed his hand once he detached his lips from hers.

"And you were the perfect first everything," he responded shyly but honestly, getting another short string of melodic laughter and an extra kiss to his cheek from his now ex-girlfriend and lover.

"We still get to be best friends, right?" Camille wondered more seriously and apprehensively as she strengthened her hold on Logan's hands.

"Are you kidding? I'm not trusting anyone else to tell me if my future dating prospects are good enough for me or not. You're gonna be my go-to girl, the only one I trust to tell me like it is," Logan smirked.

"Am I allowed to hate them?" Camille inquired with mischief, bending forward and making her dark eyes twinkle when the fountain lights hit them just right.

"Can I hate your future boyfriends?" he responded hopefully, looking just as impish and bending forward so that they were closer; staring intensely before Camille pulled away with a coy smile.

"Within reason," she grinned at him sideways while he chuckled easily.

The pair seemed happier apart, like they could be somehow closer than they were when they were technically together in the last few months of their relationship. Logan knew he made the right decision. They were all going to be fine.

* * *

After their mall outing, James had cheerfully told Carlos he'd be fine.

He totally lied.

He wasn't going to be fine until Logan came home and told him what the hell his future was going to be. Did he lose his brother for good? Would he have to quit the band? Was he going to get punched again? He needed the questions plaguing his brain to be answered, and not having those answers was making it harder to sleep.

So, instead of slumbering in Logan's bed across the room from Carlos, he found himself awake close to midnight in his own bed. He held a book in his lap, sitting up with his legs crossed and his back resting against the headboard amongst his pillows. The text kept blurring in his vision because of his lack of concentration, but he had made it a good forty pages into the novel before he lost his focus and his mind drifted, which was a new personal best for him. In the last several days, if he wasn't sleeping, it was usually only five minutes before he was agonizing over Logan or Camille.

"You're actually reading?"

James yelped and dropped his book onto the mattress beside him so he could grab at his chest, where his rapidly beating heart resided, and he looked up at his open door to see Logan standing there with his arms crossed and a curious expression on his features; eyes on the book and then to James.

"Is this it? You're going to kill me, right? That's why you waited until everyone else was asleep…" James pointed accusingly and his pitch rose squeakily in overly dramatic terror. It made Logan crack a smile.

"Did you get the book from my shelf upstairs?" he wondered, calmly striding into the room and ignoring James' outburst. He plopped himself casually down onto the foot of the bed and snatched up the book, his startled friend not even moving an inch; hazel eyes gazing at him expectantly as if he was going to produce a weapon or launch an attack. James was prepared for angst, not smiles and nice questions about literature. "_The Catcher in the Rye_…" Logan murmured the title as he scanned over the worn cover, keeping his thumb in the page the book had dropped open to in hopes that it was where the reader had left off, and handed it back to James, who didn't make a move to take it at first.

"I-I, uh… Holden Caulfield is fucked up… I like him…"

James' answer was delivered unevenly and his fingers twitched when he finally stretched his hand out to take the book back from Logan, who just nodded and made a short hum of agreement about the character. The book was torn at the edges and James was sure that Logan had read it dozens of times in his years of owning it; just like he had probably read all the others in his collection again and again.

"Are you here for good?" James whispered hoarsely and glanced down to see what page he was on before shutting the book and placing it carefully onto his nightstand, stupidly thinking he'd damage it even though it was already so old and used.

"Why, you want me to leave?" Logan suggested playfully, jutting his thumb behind him toward the door and faking a move as if he was going to get off the bed.

"No!" James pouted and slapped a hand onto his brother's shoulder, pushing him right back into his sitting position on the end of the mattress before returning to the headboard.

If Logan's laughter was any indication, James was beginning to think that he wasn't upset with him anymore.

"So, you're back home, and you're _**not**_ gonna harm me bodily?" he questioned, pulling his head back and squinting at Logan to analyze him. He only found a smile.

"That's about the gist of things, yes," Logan nodded. He should have done a better job with assuring James, but he was kind of getting a kick out of watching the guy squirm, and he sort of deserved it for kissing Camille.

"You're not still pissed at me?" James leaned forward, expecting some sort of confirmation and remaining guarded until he received otherwise.

"I let it all go," Logan waved his hands slowly and shrugged. "But it did feel really good to hate you for a while after almost 15 years of your shit," he admitted with a grin.

"I _**am**_ pretty exhausting," James agreed, still looking tense but also like he was warming up to Logan being in front of him.

"The single most tiring person I've ever met," Logan added in a manner that didn't go along with the insult, sounding almost affectionate. "You sure keep life interesting, though," he sighed and leaned back on his hands while swiveling around and tucking his legs beneath him to sit snugly in the spot beside James' feet. "I think that's why we work even though we shouldn't at all," Logan became more thoughtful, his eyes roaming the dark room only lit by the lamp on the nightstand. "You and I are like oil and water and if things had turned out differently when we were kids, and we never met Kendall and Carlos to even us out, I have a feeling that we would have hated each other growing up in Sherwood," he chuckled, stifling a yawn; not having had a good night's sleep in a while, just like James.

"I probably would have picked on you because I'm a douche," the boy confessed regretfully, feeling guilty for even thinking about ever having the possibility to commit the crime of intentionally torturing Logan.

"And I wouldn't have ever said anything about it because no one would've been there to teach me how to be confident," Logan reminded him optimistically, making James feel a little more guilty because he was sure that he wasn't supposed to be getting comforted by the person he hurt, but he was appreciative of it regardless.

"We need each other, then?" he asked, hoping for an affirmative answer that could give him proof that Logan would never walk out on him permanently, no matter how bad he managed to fuck up.

"Like it or not, yeah, we do. That's why I never went far," Logan smiled warmly again and straightened his leg out to knock against James, who kicked him gently back, knowing they were okay again.

"Did you speak to Camille yet? I haven't seen her, but I know she's been worried about you," James looked up with a demeanor of pure concern, a little for Logan and a lot for Camille, which only made Logan's positive feelings about his decision strengthen.

"Yeah, we just finished talking a few minutes ago," Logan picked at the hem of his shirt.

"You guys are okay, right? All back together and in love and happy again?" James grinned and wiggled his shoulders, and, for once, Logan saw the lie in that enthusiasm; he could see the personal pain behind it due to James' own feelings for Camille and the sacrifice he was making by trying to keep them tucked away.

"We broke up, decided to see other people… I didn't tell her that you liked her, but you're under the umbrella of 'other people', so… yeah… do what you will with that," Logan explained straightforwardly, appearing nonchalant about it. Honestly, he was happy with the split, but his nonchalance was for show. On the inside, he was really dying to see James' reaction, hoping he'd be pleased.

"What the hell are you talking about?" James scoffed at him and looked around the room for observers to tell him that he was being pranked. "Is this a test because I hurt you? I'm sorry I kissed your girlfriend, alright? I really am, but, please, don't fuck with my head," he begged, holding his hands out in surrender towards Logan and pushing his back harder into the headboard.

"It's not a trick, James," Logan assured him as quickly as he could, holding his own hands up to match his brother's. "I know how you feel about her, and Camille and I are done. We split more than amicably and she's open to new options, and you could be one of those options," he tried to explain it again, more sincerely and fully, but he blinked in surprise when James shouted at him.

"No, I could _**not**_!" he sounded like it offended him when, in another world, it would have been the best news he ever received. When James was presented with something he actually wanted, as if he may have to really enjoy life and stop suffering, he was panicked and unsure of what to do with it. "I don't understand what's happening here," he laughed uncomfortably and his eyes went insanely wide as he waved between himself and Logan. "I thought we were gonna yell some more, maybe I'd get punched in the face again, or we'd cry, but _**this**_? I'm fucking confused…" he huffed and struggled to breathe normally, still waiting for Logan to calm him down and tell him he was joking. Not only did he not want to have to face his feelings for Camille, but he also loathed the idea of causing Logan to break up with her.

"I'm helping your ass like I always do, idiot," Logan chuckled lovingly, and James didn't flinch at the name-calling because it wasn't malicious. It was exasperated, yet caring, and so like Logan.

James missed that.

"You don't have to do _**anything**_ for me, Logie…" he insisted weakly, still feeling anxious and freaked out; like he caused all of this change.

"I'm going to make this very clear for you, Jamie," Logan spoke softly and bent forward, resting his elbows on his thighs as he stared right at James. "I broke up with Camille for _**me**_ and for her. It's what was right for us… Now, where you come in is up to you. I'm just giving you my blessing to see what happens. It's all in your hands."

"Why are you being so nice? It's kind of irritating…" James shifted his eyes up and down Logan as if he was looking for mechanical pieces or a zipper to his disguise, thinking this boy couldn't have been the same one that left the previous week.

"I'm being nice because I love you," Logan laughed at James' intense skepticism and then grew more serious. "Plus, I sort of realized that I wasn't being fair to you for a while now," James looked astonished, not even hesitating before shaking his head in discord, but Logan held up his hand to keep him silenced. "After you did the cocaine and I gave you the silent treatment last year, I think I kept _**expecting**_ you to fuck up. It's like I was just waiting for a really good reason to be mad at you again, and I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry for not having faith in you, because you really are changing…. I can see it, and, in a very crazy way, I'm proud of you for kissing Camille. That was a huge step forward," he smiled confidently and kindly, serving only to cause James more confusion.

"I swear, you'd be easier to understand if you were hitting me again," he let out a tired sigh and scratched the back of his head with a sheepish grin, feeling lost with this new and self-assured Logan in front of him when the last memory he had of the teen was him fuming and throwing punches; behaving as if he'd never forgive him.

"Fine, you _**did**_ choose a really bad girl to crush on, but the fact of the matter is that you did it anyway. You let yourself feel something I know you're absolutely afraid of, and you didn't run. You tried to be brave and smart," Logan looked at him proudly again, and James was starting to get used to it, but it still made him feel uneasy. He usually adored attention, but he wasn't accustomed to receiving positive forms of it from people who truly mattered.

"I was stupid," he mumbled and glanced down to his lap, tracing the lines of his palm with one of his fingers.

"Maybe, but you're learning," Logan argued, patting his brother on the leg.

James felt so grateful for Logan in that moment. There was no other person in his life quite like him; no one that could have done him as many favors and no one that could have given him as many second chances with love and devotion despite their vast amount of differences.

"I should head off to bed. I'll see you in the morning," Logan stood, stretching his limbs and walking higher up the length of the room to give James' shoulder a comforting squeeze.

"Will you cook breakfast?" James asked softly, sounding like a child, and Logan laughed.

"Only if you clean the dishes."

James nodded and then became pensive as he watched Logan move towards the door. He stepped through the archway and into the hall, freezing when he detected James' sudden and small voice.

"Carlos says that I kissed Camille because I'm in love with her…"

He didn't want to be in love. It was too terrifying and he really needed Logan to get clever with him now and disprove it. He needed to argue about it so he could make it go away, and he never wanted to believe that he could ever even feel something close to love, but Logan didn't jump in and save him this time. It was James' turn to make his own decisions. Good or bad, right or wrong, they'd be his because Logan had already done all he could.

He turned back to James and smiled sleepily.

"Carlos is smarter than people like to give him credit for…"

James deflated when he realized that Logan was basically agreeing with Carlos, and Logan gave him a pitying stare when he could almost see the boy's brain running a mile a minute. He knew what that was like, having had his own long hours of mulling and agonizing over different choices and options in the days before.

Logan waved slowly and gave his brother one last, supportive smile.

"Goodnight, James."

* * *

**A/N: ****This story is reaching it final stage (still several more chapters to go) but every single one of them will be important to all of it as a whole, which is why I'm LENGTHENING MY UPDATING SCHEDULE.**

*****THIS WILL NOW BE UPDATED EVERY TWO WEEKS INSTEAD OF EVERY SATURDAY*** (occasionally maybe even THREE if I think it's necessary because the chapter is not what it should be)**

**I'm only doing this because I believe it's necessary with me starting my junior year of college. I'm taking four English courses, and that puts a HUGE work load on me on a weekly basis; so much so that I don't have the time to write like I could over the summer and during last semester, when I was not in school. **

**Now, I debated updated weekly with SMALLER chapters, but it felt wrong to me. I like the chapters in their longer state like they have been for several months now because, for me, they need to each have their own ideas and themes that bring them together as a piece, and separating them merely because of my own schedule, I think, takes away from the strength of the story. And I REFUSE to make mistakes because of timing when this fic has come so far and I've put over a year of a my life into it. I want it to have the ending I have always envisioned, and I want it to be written correctly. This story means a lot to me for many reasons, my love for the characters only being the very tip of the iceberg, and I want to give it the love it deserves back. **

**I hope you all understand and will still keep up with the story like you always have. Your dedication to it has ALWAYS floored me and made this a BEAUTIFUL experience :) Just look for an update every two Saturdays (it will always be a Saturday unless something crazy happens lol- and college is pretty crazy XD)**

**Thank you all so much for the continued love and support :)**

***** … and hopefully you'll stay tuned because, in the NEXT CHAPTER, we'll see a face from the past returning… *****

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this chapter :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I appreciate any feedback and I love meeting fellow readers/fans of BTR. Don't be shy :) **

**I'll see you in two weeks with a bomb to drop on Sage and BTR lol (I'm such a bitch to these characters XD)**


	52. Big Time Uncertainty

**A/N: Thank you all for being patient with me about updating :) Transferring to a new college and getting back into the swing of things is difficult and the coursework is so major-specific that the amount of writing/reading/analyzing is insane (takes up SO MUCH of my time :/) But, I'm am VERY happy to post this chapter :) I really enjoyed writing it, and I'll apologize in advance for the cliffhanger because it may be another THREE weeks until I can update again because of approaching research projects and midterms. **

**********ALSO: LAST WEEKEND WAS THE ANNIVERSARY OF THIS STORY, and I posted some things to celebrate on my tumblr (links to it are on my profile here :) There was a DELETED SCENE OF PTS, The first chapter of a new Kendall/Sage story called "Life With Kendall", in which they become stepsiblings, and a snippet of a very kinky/dark ot5 fic I'm thought up for pure entertainment purposes; it features Kendall/Logan/Sage sexually, along with James/Carlos and mentions of all the other pairings involved in the fivesome :) (rated MATURE, of course :) You can get to those posts more easily on my blog on tumblr) if you click the "Past the Sorrow POSTS" link :)**

**Please enjoy the chapter, and I hope it was worth the wait :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 52: BIG TIME UNCERTAINTY_

* * *

"Hey, love?" Kendall grinned mischievously as he sauntered towards Sage, who was staring down at her phone in her hands to check their schedule for the remainder of the weekend. She smiled as soon as she heard her boyfriend's voice and replied without looking up.

"Yeah, bab- mhm!" Sage's response was muffled as soon as his lips pressed against hers without preamble, snaking an arm around her waist and cupping his free hand at the side of her neck as he pushed her a few inches backwards until her shoulders bumped into the brick wall of the building behind them and her phone was smashed and forgotten between their torsos.

His mouth was hot and insistent, his tongue inching out to flick against hers as tamely as he could possibly get, acting as if he was trying to assert some sort of self-control despite his actions, and Sage fisted the back of the thick fabric of his hoodie as she sighed in contentment against his lips. Kendall's kisses tended to make her constantly see the figurative stars that so many referenced, brilliant bursts of light behind her eyelids, but this time she knew that they had a real source beyond the imagination.

"Are you just attacking me because they're watching?" Sage whispered, not by choice but because she was struggling to catch her breath, and grinned up at Kendall. Her shoulders pressed a bit harder into the wall just so she'd have enough space to see past his broad shoulders and catch a glimpse of all the paparazzi and interviewers snapping pictures near them and creating those pulsing lights.

"I'm hurt, baby. I did it because I love you and I missed you," Kendall argued with an overly dramatic mock offense, licking his lips as he leveled his own breathing out before hanging his mouth open and widening his eyes. Sage just narrowed hers.

"And?" She smiled slightly as she watched him press his mouth shut and smirk devilishly.

"And because I _**can**_," he spoke in a singsong tone, voice rising and falling happily as he wiggled his torso faintly in childish celebration and Sage nodded and chuckled in affectionate understanding.

Big Time Rush, along with their favorite traveling companion, Sage, were outside of a stadium in a major city of Vermont before a scheduled concert. It was late October, a few months since Kendall had his final meltdown over hiding his and Sage's relationship. His abrupt freak-out on Gustavo, which he'd been ashamed of at first, had resulted in something beneficial for them all. There was no more hiding. Kendall and Sage were recently able to come out as a couple, a moment of joy and relief for both of them. They began going on more public dates, kissing and holding hands in the open, and, on a comically enthusiastic Kendall's part, telling anyone who asked that he was eternally in love with his girlfriend. Sage expressed her happiness and devotion too, of course, but she didn't go out of her way to talk to strangers unless they inquired first. Kendall was a lot better at socializing than she was. His words, especially the term "girlfriend", rolled simply and cheerfully off of his tongue in almost any conversation they had with outsiders. It both flattered and flustered Sage because he always made it sound like he was honored to have her when she insisted wholeheartedly that it was the other way around; she won the lottery when she met him.

Kendall would admit that he was showing off a little, but he really didn't care. After spending so long worrying and stressing about the ambiguous relationships of the band, everything was as stable as he ever thought it could be. He knew Sage and James were just brotherly and sisterly, James and Logan were the best of friends again, a pair with a new understanding and respect for each other, and Carlos was a lot happier in general now that the family was in a strong and non-secretive place. There was nothing to be anxious about other than their performances and music, and half of the time that was more of a blast than a job. Being the mentally, and sometimes verbally, appointed leader, Kendall felt that life was good for all of the occupants of 2J. They received awards and praise for their first album and music videos, and they were diligently working on the next, which was planned to be released sometime the following year.

Things couldn't get better. It felt like the only direction they were headed in was up.

"You know…" Kendall spoke with just as much mischief as when he began, biting his bottom lip and pressing his torso more firmly into Sage's, who gazed at him and slid her hand up behind his neck to play with the bit of blonde hair that was accessible just beneath his backwards baseball cap, "… pushing you up against the wall kinda reminds me of that time we went into the alley at school, and you were wearing that skirt so I could-" Kendall stopped talking when someone cleared their throat loudly, making him freeze in his movements and leave his hands gripping at the tight fabric of his girlfriend's jeans along her hips.

"You _**do**_ know that we're standing right here, don't you?" Logan grinned, waving his hand to Carlos at his side and then gesturing to James, who stood to Kendall's right. "Oh, and them too," he jerked his head nonchalantly behind him to remind them of the reporters and photographers.

The crowd was far away enough not to hear them, having been placed on the other side of a barricade along the wide sidewalk, and the buzz of the fans lined up even further behind them was thunderous enough to drown out absolutely anything the boys and Sage were saying. The cameras didn't stop, though, because if they couldn't hear then they were certainly going to take advantage of what they could see. Sage shyly smiled at them, waving a little before shrinking down when the professional gossip and information gatherers started calling her and Kendall's names. The boys gathered closer to the couple, naturally falling into the stance both by chance and with a dash of instinct to cover and surround Sage when they were in public that had been instilled in them in their time together. Honestly, she never asked for it anymore, and they never consciously did it unless she looked upset, which was rare now, but it always seemed to happen anyway without any second thoughts.

James, Carlos, and Logan were staring at Kendall and Sage, Logan's eyebrow raised, James smirking at the heated public display of affection, and Carlos smiling innocently like it didn't faze him at all.

"Yeah, sure," Kendall gave the warmly chastising Logan a dismissive stare, earning an eye-roll that didn't go as unnoticed as he thought because the blonde laughed, breaking his false countenance of indifference, and playfully punched his brother's shoulder. He stepped away from Sage with a quick kiss to her temple to roughhouse with Logan, so Carlos and James automatically moved in front of her, not looking like they thought about it or even knew they were doing it; James' vision was on Kendall and Logan, and Carlos' was distractedly on the zipper of his jacket. But Sage always perceived it. It was what made her content enough to go to new places she had never seen, which, in the back of her and the others' heads, felt like a threat in ways no one but them could understand.

It got easier with time and practice like everything else, though. After more than a year of constant work and more-than-appreciated help, Sage was leading some semblance of a regular life; going to the studio without supervision when Gustavo needed her and not the band, and she also stayed home alone occasionally when Big Time Rush would do quick shows on the weekends and it wasn't practical for her to leave too when Kelly and Gustavo had more use for her at Rocque Records.

This trip was an exception. It was only almost a full week around New England, so Sage would have ordinarily stayed behind in Los Angeles, but she got to go because Gustavo and Kelly came along too. Their last stop would be in NYC the next day, and the newly revitalized producer had some business there with others in his profession. He'd be taking Sage with him to "talk music" with another big name on the East Coast and see if they could get a collaboration going for album number two. With the noisy and barking Gustavo around, the boys kind of missed Miranda, their usual tour manager. She was the silent but deadly type. Gustavo was the in your face I'll-strangle-you-where-you-stand type. The former was easier to handle on a daily basis.

"Hey, you! Shouldn't you be busy doing something? I'm not paying you to stand around and look pretty. I already have four hooligans handling that!" Gustavo yelled at one of the roadies near the large entrance where the bus was parked at the farther end of the stadium they all stood by.

The man had stopped unloading equipment to talk with the drummer that would be playing in the live band behind BTR on stage. His eyes widened at the sight of the fuming producer, not wanting to be in his radar, and he quickly hurried away to get back to work.

"And you!" Gustavo continued to yell, finding someone else to zone in on, but Kelly mumbled something harshly and yanked on his arm when the reporters and paparazzi all kept looking at him and filming.

The producer still looked like he was going to yell again, though, and Kelly didn't appear to be making any progress in keeping his blood pressure down to a reasonable level. She began motioning faintly towards the boys for them to do something to help her; her red-painted fingernails waving desperately in tiny movements by her waist on the side not facing the onlookers.

"We should help out," Logan took some initiative and sighed as he dodged one of Kendall's weak and teasing blows, ducking his head while the teen chuckled and ceased his assault to look at their boss. "James, come with me," he ordered the tallest boy and began moving down the sidewalk.

"Why?" James whined and folded his arms, making his friend stop walking when he didn't budge.

"Because I'm a lot smaller than him, and you have the muscle to keep me alive," Logan explained it simply, smiling with every word before grabbing the sleeve of James' sweater and tugging him along the row made by a barricade so they could get closer to the panicking Kelly.

"But, Logan!" James complained in a high-pitched voice, leaving it at that and struggling for a good enough argument to keep him away from their angry producer, who, for once, had his wrath focused on other people. James didn't put up much of a fight, even though his brother was stretching the black fabric of his clothes, feeling resigned to his fate, but then he suddenly snapped his fingers and smirked. "We have health insurance! You'll be fine!" he nodded as if it could convince Logan, who wasn't even looking at him as he marched on.

"Keep walking, pretty boy."

"I don't know about you two, but I'm not going anywhere near him. The last time I got into it with Gustavo I wound up in the dumpster outside the studio," Carlos shook his head like it cemented his refusal and shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket as he, Sage, and Kendall watched Logan and James step up to Gustavo He glared menacingly when they took his attention off of another one of the "lazy" roadies, but then his eyes went onto the reporters. The producer abruptly put on an uncomfortable forced smile when he realized how close they were to his yelling.

"I thought you put yourself in the dumpster…" Sage said distractedly, rolling her eyes right along with Kendall when Gustavo spoke a "hello" loud enough for even them to hear so that he could put on a show of jovialness for the cameras.

"Gustavo scared me and I had to hide in the trash can, okay? It's not my fault that I got thrown out by the custodian." Carlos was often the one who tended to piss off the producer the most with his liveliness and innocent, albeit sometimes annoying, questions. "Ha, it looks like I'm in the clear! He wants you guys," Carlos sighed in relief and then cheered silently in triumph when he noticed Gustavo staring at Kendall and Sage and then jerking his head towards the press behind him, obviously wanting them to talk to the people. The boys had done multiple interviews as a group earlier while the crew set up the stage and the backrooms inside the stadium, and now it was time for Gustavo to answer a few questions as well as Sage. "I'll hang back. You lovebirds have fun," Carlos grinned and shooed them forward, leaning back against the wall and pulling out his phone to keep him occupied. He thought about going over to James and Logan, but they were still too close to a hyped-up and over-stressed Gustavo for his liking.

"I should stay too. I'm good here by Carlos. You know, far away from them…" Sage stared at the cameras and the groups of people. "Besides, I'm pretty sure that I look like a deer caught in headlights any time someone asks me where I'm from, and they _**always**_ fucking ask it," she huffed, trying to make light of the situation, but she was obviously anxious about people bringing up her past more than anything; her hands were wringing together and her weight was slowly shifting from one leg to the other as if a particular stance would only work for a few seconds at a time. She shuffled over to Carlos' side and pressed their arms together as their shoulders pushed into the brick behind them. He gave her a pitying smile and nudged her affectionately.

"Blondie!" Gustavo yelled the name in warning, but he was still smiling for the cameras. Sage had a hard time not following her boss' orders because, no matter how much he fought with the boys, she respected him and his talent and the way he mentored her. It was unsteady, but she nodded at the man and then looked back to see Kendall in front of her.

"I'll protect you, Sage," he murmured the reminder, kissing her lips softly and taking her hands into his so that she would stop making the skin of her palms red with all of the fidgeting.

"I know... You always do," she smiled, but there was a sense of guilt in her expression that Kendall couldn't catch as he turned and put on his cordial face for the watchful eyes around them. He squeezed her hand a few times in quick succession so that he knew she would keep remembering that he was right there, and any negative feelings inside of them faded.

"How do we look? Do we look in love?" Kendall asked eagerly, behaving apprehensively just to see his girl smile at his antics. She opened her mouth to say something back but was cut off by Carlos behind them.

"You dorks couldn't stop if you tried!" he shouted in encouragement, grinning and waving at them when they turned around to laugh at the sentiment.

Kendall nodded to show his agreement and kissed the side of Sage's head, wrapping an arm around her waist as they moved together towards the reporters. Security, men dressed in black pants and jackets, hovered around them when they got close to the people. The men tried to keep their distance, though, only increasing their proximity when strangers were interacting with the band or Sage.

Carlos stayed behind the large protectors but remained near Kendall and Sage as he pushed himself away from the wall and listened to the start of their interview while tapping his fingers along the keypad of his phone to check his email.

"We know that you two have been together for quite some time now…" a woman's voice caught Carlos' ears, making him relax a bit more without even realizing that he hadn't been fully calm in the first place. Sage would like that it was a female asking the questions. She tried her damnedest not to be biased, but, after so much time with Elliot in her adolescence, the sight of a woman was likely to make her more comfortable than that of an unknown male.

"Over three years," Sage responded softly, and Carlos smiled; knowing that Kendall was probably giving her a dopey smile of his own for the fact that she spoke without being coaxed too much.

"Wow, are there any wedding bells in your future?"

"We hear them ringing every day," Kendall answered, sounding warm. It was a tone Carlos knew well, and he bit back laughter, thinking that it was one that would have normally led to Kendall dragging Sage off to their bedroom if they had the opportunity, and Sage was usually no better than him; often tugging him into some private space just as much as he did.

"But you're so young. Wouldn't your parents have something to say about it?" The woman sounded playful and light, not knowing about any nerves she might have hit. It was a simple question, but life just wasn't so simple for the five of them.

Kendall cleared his throat, and Sage had gone silent. Carlos didn't need to see her face to know that she was looking at no one else but Kendall and most likely tightening her grip on him. Hovering his thumb over the keys on his phone without really doing anything, Carlos waited to see what would happen; mentally preparing himself to hop in excitedly and cause some sort of reaction that wouldn't be too unexpected considering his reputation for being lively and energetic.

"Well," Kendall started, "the family we have here, Gustavo Rocque, Kelly Wainwright, and the guys, wouldn't be surprised at all, and I don't think our loved ones in Minnesota would disapprove. They'd probably say that it was a long time coming." He was charming and confident because he had practiced diligently for such questions. He was prepared more than anyone to cover for Sage.

"So, you're from Minnesota too?"

Carlos winced, knowing the question was for Sage, but Kendall didn't miss a beat this time.

"We went to high school together and bonded over music. Sage taught me to play the piano, and I taught her guitar." It wasn't a full lie, but it wasn't really the truth either. It worked, though; Kendall smartly gave the reporter something else to jump on. The training Gustavo and Griffin's team had given them paid off. Carlos could hear the woman move onto something else, asking Sage about writing for BTR and working for Rocque Records, and he began to walk away.

He stretched his legs, strolling to the end of the sidewalk in the opposite direction of Kendall and Sage as he typed a message to his oldest sister; replying to her email that gave him information on everyone back home. The volume of the press got duller as he moved further down the walkway so that he could only hear the screams of some of the fans lined up along the access road surrounding the stadium waiting to get in for the show. Security didn't follow him too closely because of all the successful barriers built in around them, which included a police car at the end of the sidewalk near Carlos that was used to complete a smaller wall of the blockade. After the email was sent, he waved to the group of chanting people across the two barricades, one for the reporters and another behind them for the fans.

They screamed for him, making him smile, and he took a picture on his phone to post online for the people keeping an eye on him to see. He loved all of them for standing out in the cold for long periods of time just to get in to watch him and the others perform. October in Vermont reminded him of Minnesota with its too-chilly temperatures, but the surroundings were still pretty; no snow for another month at least and tones of orange and red leaves scattered on the ground and in the trees.

"Is it always this crowded?"

Carlos jumped at the new voice near him, accidentally slipping his fingers to the wrong key and typing gibberish at the beginning of his message. He turned to see who was standing beside him, worried that it may be someone dangerous or a person who had snuck past the obstacles set up to keep people out, but it was only the cop from the car he had been standing by, and he relaxed at the sight. He smiled cheerfully at the man, who was wearing a calm but curious expression as he took off his sunglasses and tucked them into the collar of his uniform and scanned the mass of people across the street.

"Sometimes it's less and other times it's even more. Depends on the city," Carlos answered the officer's question and stopped typing on his phone, watching the cursor blink for a second after only getting through the H-E of his intended "Hey."

"Seems like a lot to deal with. This town's usually not so wild," the officer grinned and glanced over at the cheering crowd again, seeing girls waving at Carlos and reaching for him despite the impossible distance. The man scratched the brown hair at the back of his neck and twisted around to lean his lower half on the side of his squad car, blue and red flashing lights spinning behind his head.

"We get used to it, and meeting everyone and doing interviews is fun," Carlos insisted giddily, tapping the keys on his phone a few more times to work on the message while the cop checked his watch, probably wondering how close it was to show time so he could leave after the people filed into the stadium instead of gathering on the road outside of it. He nodded slowly at Carlos' response, and it was silent between them after that. The only things heard were the clicks of cameras and the murmur of people with the occasional squeal of a fangirl.

"Kendall's dating her, right?"

Carlos stopped and stared at the officer oddly, a small grin on his face. The casual tone the man used had thrown him off. He didn't really expect the guy, who looked to be in his early thirties, to know any of their names, let alone who they were or weren't dating. He wasn't exactly part of their normal demographic, but he was staring at Kendall and Sage near the reporters anyway when Carlos looked up.

"How did you know that?" he kept grinning when the officer rolled his dark eyes and scratched the back of his head again as he quirked his shoulder.

"I get bored on the long lines at the supermarket sometimes, so I read the magazines by the register. You guys are on the cover a lot lately. Especially them…" he sighed and glanced at Carlos, but then his vision went right back to the couple in the distance. The pair had moved onto another interviewer, farther away from them and closer to Gustavo, Kelly, James, and Logan, who were all hanging back by then and getting ready to go inside.

"I usually make the others go grocery shopping… or I take Sage with me. She lets me eat the food before we pay for it," Carlos smirked, dropping his hand and phone to the side as he got deeper into the conversation with the friendly stranger.

"She lives with you?" the officer's posture changed a little, his back straightening as he shifted and brought one foot more forward than the other and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Yeah, we all share an apartment in L.A. I have to room with Logan because there are only three bedrooms… We have the money to get a bigger place, but what we have now just feels like home. It works for us," Carlos shrugged, offering up information fluidly. He always had easy discussions with almost anybody.

"I bet it does," the man countered with a tight smile, his lips pressed together and making Carlos' brow furrow in confusion, but then he blinked a few times and let it go when the cop said nothing else and continued to stare ahead at the paparazzi.

It was a minute or two before the officer once again broke the silence between them and made Carlos cease his movements on his phone right after posting the picture he had taken so the fans could see if they were able to spot themselves while they waited. The shrieks and murmurs across the road had him laughing softly after he put it up online and alerts were sent to many of the phones in the crowd.

"Young love is just so… perfect, isn't it?" The cop was still staring down the walkway at the group close to the building when Carlos looked at him and away from the fans, puzzled before he realized what the brunette was talking about.

"Them?" he grinned and tilted his head in the direction of Kendall and Sage, who were wrapped closely together and smiling at the reporter they currently stood in front of. Sage was speaking now and then, but she mostly allowed Kendall to take the reins in the frenzied atmosphere. "Yup, they're really amazing together," Carlos agreed, proudly watching his pseudo brother and sister move down the line to the last interviewer while James and Logan followed Gustavo and Kelly inside.

"If it's so great, then doesn't it kinda make you wonder what could ruin it?"

Carlos stiffened at the odd inquiry, whipping his head around to stare at the police officer.

"Wha-"

"Sorry," the man laughed at himself and looked at Carlos instead of Kendall and Sage. He brightened, donning a smile and performing a complete turnaround from the dark gaze Carlos had detected right before it morphed. "I'm in my mid-thirties and single. It makes a guy jaded," his smile was even more genuine once he saw Carlos' wary look melt away and shift into one of pleasantry again as he nodded in understanding and even showed a bit of sympathy for the stranger, something most people wouldn't do. "How long have they been together? They don't act like normal teenagers…" the officer smirked, keeping things at their new, lighter level but somehow remaining focused on the couple down the path, who Carlos assumed was interesting to him because of how much they effortlessly connected without seeming to do it consciously.

"A few years, but the two of them might as well have been together forever. They shame all other relationships," Carlos joked good-naturedly, getting a tense grin out of the cop, who still had his arms folded. "It was love at first sight, and then they just kept going from there… And they're always close like that. Kendall's really protective of her because she used to be with a real asshole," he kept talking, momentarily realizing he might have been doing too much of it but not stopping himself because the guy wasn't a prying reporter or anything dangerous to the band or Sage. He was a man who, in Carlos' eyes because of his dad, earned instant respect and trust because of the uniform and all of the noble things it implied.

"That's awful... She left the guy?" the officer wondered.

"Yup, high and dry," Carlos chuckled, and the man watched him curiously for a moment before straightening up and unfolding his arms to tuck his hands into the pockets of his dark pants just beneath the holster holding his gun.

"I bet her ex was upset about the separation. In my line of work, I find that lovers only get crazy or violent because they feel too… strongly…" he suggested, struggling and then settling on his final word as he watched Kendall and Sage laugh about something the interviewer had asked them.

"That's one way to spin it, I guess…" Carlos stared at him, wearing an uncomfortable smile as the man continued to talk without looking back at him.

"Cops see all kinds of shit. Every abuse case has a story... Some are long, and some are short, but they're rarely cut and dry. Nothing's that simple…" the officer's voice drifted off lowly so that Carlos had to strain to hear.

He found it weird that the policeman accurately jumped right to "abuse", because he had only used the term "asshole" when he had mentioned Sage's past, but he figured that the man had seen a lot of people like Sage in his years on the force. If anyone other than the guys could detect those nearly invisible signs of a traumatic assault, it would probably be an officer of the law; a person who worked hard every day to put a stop to those types of things.

"Oh…" Carlos nodded awkwardly, unsure of where to direct the conversation when the man stayed silent. "My dad's a cop, but he never mentioned that kind of stuff to me before. I think he just chose to include all the cool explosions and daring rescues in my bedtime stories." The officer actually laughed at that, a genuine sound, as he looked away from Kendall and Sage and back to Carlos again. "Do you have any family?" the boy inquired casually now that he had the man's attention.

"No," the guy waved his hand and then pointed to himself. "Single and jaded, remember?" he smirked when Carlos nodded and smiled. "I used to be married and I had a stepdaughter, whom I'm guessing is probably a big fan of yours…" he spoke lower again, staring at the pavement beneath his shoes and clenching his jaw.

"Did, uh, did you want me to sign anything for your stepdaughter- Um, ex-stepdaughter?" Carlos offered, shy and fumbling for words before rolling his eyes at himself. The officer snapped out of his trance and smiled again, shaking his head calmly.

"No thanks. She's not even around anymore. Things didn't work out. They got complicated..."

"With her mom?" Carlos' question sounded more like an assumption, which the man easily agreed to.

"Yeah," his smile was tight, brown eyes shutting with a few quick blinks before he slid his sunglasses out of the collar of his uniform and slipped them back onto his face.

"Sorry to hear tha-"

"Carlos!" James shouted as he ran over to him with Logan trailing behind. They both stopped breathlessly, James taking a second to lean his weight on Carlos' shoulder. "We need you backstage _**now**_. Gustavo's getting all pissy with the sound guys, who he can't fire because they don't technically work for him, so he's taking his beef out on us. Guess who he wants to see run through all the dance routines before they get on stage?" he sighed when Carlos chuckled and patted the back of the hand on his shoulder. James loved to perform, but he hated when Gustavo made them practice again and again while he stared at them with criticism just waiting on the tip of his tongue.

"Please, hurry, Car. I think Kelly is gonna hit him with her clipboard if we don't separate them soon, and that's sorta like poking a dragon with a dull stick," Logan waved his arms towards the doors dramatically, shifting on his legs before rushing back to where they came from when they could hear a shout of "Dogs!" coming from inside.

"I'm coming, but we gotta get Kendall and Sage first," Carlos laughed at them, staring past James' head to see Sage and Kendall still conversing with a reporter. As Logan screeched for James to follow him, something about "backup" and "muscle" again, Carlos wondered how he hadn't gotten roped into their hourly dose of mayhem earlier when he was usually at the center of it, but then he remembered the officer he had stayed outside to converse with, someone James and Logan hadn't given a second look to because of how many cops they saw all the time on the road.

James scurried off too only after Carlos insisted he was going to follow again. He laughed when Logan almost missed the door because he was hurrying so much, and James had to tug the back of his jacket to get him going in the right direction quick enough while Kendall and Sage were obviously doing their best to ignore the boys as they finished the interview. Their bodies pressed closer together and they stepped a bit more towards the camera to make sure that that particular one wasn't filming whatever the hell the guys were doing behind them.

"It was nice talking to you. Have a good day," Carlos waved at the police officer, who was already walking back around his car and about to climb in. He looked startled by Carlos turning to address him again. Once he recovered, he smiled slightly and nodded.

"Bye, kid. Break a leg," he got into the car, ready to leave now that the crowd of fans outside was filling the stadium through the doors around the front. The windows were rolled down, which Carlos assumed the man had done so he could hear the radio if he needed to when he had gotten out to speak to him earlier.

With one last smile, Carlos turned around and began slowly strolling down the path while looking at his phone again; remaining unconcerned about Gustavo for the moment because, whether he got there quickly or slowly, they were all going to get yelled at as they ran through the dances. He hit a button on his phone to make the screen light up as he heard the gears of the squad car shift and the wheels sluggishly creep across the dead fallen leaves when the officer started to move back towards the main road. The radio buzzed and created static just before the dispatcher spoke up.

"Elliot, you heading back to the station yet?"

"Yeah, I'll be there in ten."

And the car was gone, accelerating down the street and blending in with so many other movements; the press was beginning to disperse, the crowd dwindled but got louder as they neared the concert, and the stage crew was filing into the building. Carlos wasn't moving at all anymore, though. He was frozen after he heard that name, and he just continued to stare down at his phone's wallpaper.

It showed a picture of all five of them, smiling and gleeful and somehow all crammed into the frame. He remembered taking that picture. He had jumped onto the couch where the other four were sitting and urged them to huddle their heads together after slipping to the floor when Logan pushed him off of his wounded body once he had made a pain-inducing impact after his jump. The boy had complied anyway, though, along with the others. Kendall was to the left of the image with Sage's head tucked beneath his chin, and Carlos was right alongside of her, leaning his head back so that it pushed against her abdomen in her reclined position on the length of the couch. Logan was behind them both, having shuffled his body between Sage's and the back of the couch to allow James' face to come in at the right of the screen. Carlos remembered how much he laughed when he saw how scrunched he made the other four once he stood up without a scratch on him. Most of their limbs were intertwined like knots in a shoelace. It was his favorite picture, candid and not glamorous for a magazine or the paparazzi; taken just for their own fun and memories of their family.

Carlos unfroze, blinking suddenly only when the screen went black from nonuse and the family of five was replaced by darkness.

He spun around abruptly as if he had been pushed in the direction to try to see the squad car, but it was gone; somewhere off in the distance driving with the others like it and surrounded by numerous vehicles of all kinds. His heart hurt because of how tight it felt in his chest, and there was a metallic, nasty taste in his throat making him feel as if he was going to throw up.

Was it Elliot? Was it _**the **_Elliot?

"D-Don't panic…" he whispered to himself, trying to make his brain function normally, but he was having a hard time even moving his legs as he attempted to figure out what to do.

Logan would tell him how many people were named Elliot in the United States alone, and then how many of those were police officers. He needed time to think, but the concert was starting soon and there was no time for him to do it accurately, and he was so unsure of what the right thing to do even was. He didn't know if he should run to Kendall and Sage or do something on his own and keep his mouth shut; chalking the experience up to nothing but paranoia.

Carlos sucked in a heavy breath and forgot to blow it back out until the lack of oxygen burned his chest and he heard Kendall shout his name. He spun to see his brother smiling but appearing confused at his unusual stance, and Sage was happily waving him over as she and her boyfriend followed the newly reemerged, and still anxious, James and Logan into the door of the stadium. Carlos stared at them without moving for longer than he should have, gazing at Sage's hand interlocked with Kendall's, where it belonged, and he had a quick flash of it being wrongfully ripped away, but then he remembered their concert again and all of the people counting on them. He put on a smile, slipping into the demeanor he knew best; he was delighted and nothing was wrong in the world because, at least for right now, it couldn't be.

* * *

James was running. His lungs burned along with the muscles in his legs and his heart thumped wildly beneath his ribs as he sprinted to his destination in a panic. He could hear the thudding of the feet behind him getting closer; too close. He had to move faster. He had to pick up just enough momentum to outrun them. Taking a deep breathe in through his nose, he pushed harder and released the air in a loud huff once he reached the open gates of the Palm Woods property leading to the park.

"Ha!" he cheered breathlessly and bent forward to rest his hands on his knees as he inhaled and exhaled steadily and heard his racing competitor catch up and stop beside him. "I gave you a head start and your ass still lost," he teased, squinting when he looked up and the sun caught his eyes behind the dimmer figure of Camille.

"You should have let me win. It would have been the chivalrous thing to do," she panted but smiled and swallowed thickly as she copied his stance, her head falling forward and making her ponytail swing down with it. He laughed as it swayed when she stretched the muscles in her neck before glaring back up at him.

"When have I ever been chivalrous unless I was trying to get into some girl's pants?" he wondered smugly, raising an eyebrow in her direction and daring her to argue, but Camille rolled her brown eyes and plopped down on the thick grass along the paved pathway near the gate. James sat beside her and bent forward to stretch his legs after their long jog and recent race.

He always liked staying active and fit, and jogging was one of his favorite activities a few mornings a week if he wasn't in the mood to be under the fluorescent lights of the Palm Woods' gym. Sometimes he'd go running alone, and sometimes he'd go with the others, but Logan would rather read at home and train hard later at the studio if he had a choice. Sage went with James now and then, but she often chose to stay in to write music or have breakfast with Kendall, who only went running with James if Sage was still asleep or busy with something and instead making time to go to the gym later, years of hockey training in his blood not allowing him to be inactive for long.

Carlos was usually James' favorite to take with him because of his energy and enthusiasm, even though James would jealously admit that Carlos didn't need to actually work out; he had an insane metabolism and could eat an entire Thanksgiving dinner by himself without gaining a pound. But Carlos did opt out occasionally when he wanted to sleep late on the days Gustavo didn't require them to be in the studio until the afternoon, just like today. However, Carlos was awake earlier in the morning when James knocked on his door.

He found the boy with his hair wet from the shower and jeans on his legs, but he hadn't taken the time to put on any other clothes before he was sitting on his bed and sketching, which James didn't know or ask about. When he invited him out to run, Carlos merely replied with a mumbled "busy", his eyes only leaving the sketchpad to smile quickly up at James as he waved before the pencil was right back against the paper, and then James assumed the conversation was over.

It was odd to him that Carlos was so distracted, which wasn't actually all that uncommon in itself, but it was almost eerie when paired with unusual silence. He wrote it off as his friend being in his artistic headspace, though. It wasn't unheard of for Carlos to get like that, just like Logan when he was studying something or Sage and Kendall when they worked on lyrics; he was focused, quiet, and relatively still. And that was how he had been since they boarded the plane from their last tour stop in New York the day before and he began drawing with markers on cocktail napkins in his own corner of the first class area, not letting anyone see what he was sketching.

When he acted that way, it was better to leave him alone than to ask a bunch of questions, so that was what James did. He said his goodbyes and went down to the lobby, thinking he'd be jogging alone until he spotted Camille wearing sweats and fiddling with her iPod at the entrance past Bitters' desk. He almost ignored her and left the long way through the doors to the pool, but then he remembered they were talking now and it would be weird to intentionally avoid her. Only people with crushes do that, and he was determined to behave as if he was the same old James he was before he kissed her, with just a few differences incorporated.

They'd been spending a lot of time together, actually more than the actress spent with Logan in their last months together. They'd text, eat lunch by the pool, and James even visited her movie set a few times to see what it was like once she and him were on good terms again. Their newly revitalized friendship had started with a face-to-face apology to the girl from James once he worked up the gonads to do it. The pressure to be around her and, at least, talk to her was intense on all sides whether anyone meant for it to be or not.

Carlos was generally upbeat and sometimes annoyingly smiley about James' "obvious" feelings for Camille because they seemed so straightforward to him, but James was anything but straightforward when it came to emotions such as fondness, caring, or love for someone that wasn't family. Carlos took the time to push James on occasion, which he both got disgruntled by and felt grateful for. He wasn't sure he would have ever spoken to Camille again if Carlos hadn't kept dragging him out of the apartment, where he had been trying to hide for days even after the return of Logan, who took a different approach to James and Camille.

Logan sealed his mouth shut most of the time after he said his peace. He was still close with Camille, remaining good friends like they promised, but he never said anything about James' feelings for her. His and his ex's conversations often steered clear of the boy unless he was directly brought up. As for dealing with James himself, Logan went right back to their old relationship; one of random hiccups but now with much more love and understanding. Sometimes he'd talk to him about Camille to see where he was at and if he could help, but James politely declined more often than not.

Despite even the supportive urgings of Sage and Kendall to take a chance and discuss it all with Camille openly, James took a vow of silence of sorts when it came to talking about his maybe-love for the actress. He wasn't ready for it to exist yet. He wasn't even quite ready to admit the feelings were developing at all, and Camille was the last person who deserved his indecisiveness or rash decisions. He had already harmed her with both when he assaulted her with a kiss and effectively launched her and Logan's breakup, which had honestly been a long time coming, but he still didn't really feel any less guilty about it.

James kept Camille a bit closer now, however, and they were walking a fine line between possible romance and friendship in the last couple of months with the amount of hours they spent alone with each other. It was scary, but James kind of lived for it now that he had it.

"Remind me again why I agreed to run with you. I could be eating a donut and guzzling coffee instead of losing races," Camille groaned and pressed the bottoms of her sneakers together before bending forward and bringing her face towards the grass.

"What are you talking about? Who said anything about racing? It was a friendly jog…" James argued while biting his tongue to stifle a teasing smile.

"I'm pretty sure that you saying, 'I'll race you to the park entrance', means you wanted a race. It's right in the sentence, James," Camille chastised him playfully, smirking up at him sideways when she took another deep breath.

"Technicalities," he sighed dramatically and extended his arms above his head. "Besides, you agreed to work out with me for your own selfish needs," he continued jokingly, running a hand through his sweaty hair when she narrowed her eyes at him challengingly. "You have a nice body that you've got to keep in shape for your movie premiere in a couple of months."

"You think I have a nice body?" Camille grinned, and James shut up with wide eyes and an internal reprimand at himself for saying something he shouldn't have because "friends" don't praise each other's bodies. They aren't supposed to be admiring them at all, no matter how cute the brunette beauty looked with her skin all flushed and glistening. He was careful, so he couldn't believe how fast he walked right into the trap. James petulantly decided he couldn't really be blamed, though. His blood and endorphins were all out of whack from their five-mile run.

"Yeah, of course you- I mean…" he clenched his eyes shut when he saw Camille's face scrunch up at his babbling. "You wouldn't have gotten booked for the gig you did if you were ugly."

He said it so factually, and he felt so, so stupid. Only his dumb mouth, which didn't always connect with this brain, could make a compliment sound cheap and backhanded. Using sensitivity smartly and genuinely was something he was still working on.

Camille stared at him with an unreadable expression, making him feel the need to babble even more.

"What I meant was that- Uh…"

"Take your foot out of your mouth, James," she laughed, a melodic and light sound, and leaned back on her hands as if it would show him just how relaxed and unoffended she was.

"I was aiming for a compliment and kinda missed the mark," he confessed sheepishly.

"I noticed and appreciated the intent," Camille approved, smiling and nodding.

"Oh, good," James clasped his hands together and cheered with a hefty amount of dramatic joy. He stood up, actually feeling relieved, and wiped a few blades of grass from his shorts.

"You really care what I think?" she wondered more softly, making James falter as he moved to step closer to her.

"Yes." There was so much sincerity in his response, his voice low and sweet and simple as he held his hand out to help her off of the ground.

"I… That's not the answer I was expecting," she gave him a faint smile and bewildered eyes as their hands locked and she rose up with the assistance of his strength doing most of the work for her smaller body.

"I'm a changed man," he argued confidently, puffing out his chest.

"Is that so?" Camille's tone was teasing and light because she was rarely intense unless she was auditioning for a role, but, on the inside, she was more shaken than she let on.

She remembered telling Sage about her initial feelings for James, how they were unexplainable because he was who he was. But if he was different now, where did that leave her? What did it mean for them? Was there a "them"? James kissed her, yes, but he claimed it was a mistake, one he was sorry for apparently even after she and Logan split. Whatever they may be, Camille decided that it was "undetermined" for now. She was just glad to have her friend back. Sage was a terrific listener when it came to everything, even her career and interests, but James had the passion for it too that brought excitement to all of their exchanges about movies and acting. She didn't have many people in her life she could relate to like that. Her costars, perhaps, but they had their own lives, and she spent most of her time at the Palm Woods, where people were coming and going when parents decided that they wanted to bring their children back home once they didn't "make it" soon enough.

"Kind of… Sometimes… I'm not sure yet. I don't really feel like talking about it," James shrugged and began walking towards the lobby, his and Camille's still-intertwined hands going unnoticed by both of them.

"I remember a time when you'd say or do just about anything," she countered, strolling right beside him as their connected arms swayed lazily together.

"Ah, see, that's part of 'the change'," he declared, waving his free hand through the air as if he was announcing the title of a horror movie before he settled back into a normal demeanor. "I'm being careful about how I behave."

"Was this in effect when you kissed me? Because, if so, you sorta suck at it," Camille smiled pityingly and reached out to open the lobby doors while James laughed at her playful jab.

Camille matched him in conversation, almost like Sage yet somehow not alike at all. Sage was his sister. They'd argue, and he'd dodge her nervously because of subject matter, but he'd never actually be nervous because of her. Contrarily, Camille had him feeling uneasy and uncontrolled. His throat would constrict and his voice would waver. She made him everything he had worked hard his whole life not to be. And, while it was unsettling, he had to admit that it was refreshing too. It was different, but a good different; it made his heart beat and his palms sweat. Thinking about that, he finally realized he was holding her hand and almost ripped it away like he had been caught, but then he stopped the impulse before he even flinched once he realized that he wasn't just holding her hand. She was holding his too.

"Let's call the kiss a lapse in judgment, or no judgment at all. Yeah, none whatsoever sounds about right," he insisted with a dark chuckle, still feeling bitter about his choices months earlier.

"You know, you never did tell me why you kissed me. Apologized like a prostitute in church, yes," Camille smirked at the glaring boy, "but you didn't give me a reason."

"Does it really matter?" James stopped inside the lobby and stared down at her. Well, not directly at her. His eyes could only make it to some random spot on the length of rug visible behind her shoulders.

"Considering the ramifications it had, yeah…" she admitted softly, like she knew he was reluctant.

"Okay… Well, I- Uh, as a part of these changes I'm making to myself, I've been… celibate for a good while now… and you were there acting all sweet and in character and in love and talking about kissing, and you're just so- You're a convincing actress, and I- Um… " James huffed, blowing a frustrated breath out loudly as he struggled to answer her question without revealing the actual truth.

"Is that supposed to be another compliment?" Camille guessed.

"Yes!" James took the out she unknowingly gave him with an ecstatic smile, lifting their hands into the air and into their line of vision. Both seemed to notice each other realizing the contact at the same time, brown eyes meeting hazel apprehensively before the pair of hands slipped apart quickly. "Do you want a drink?" he changed the course of their conversation and walked over to the vending machines without waiting for an answer, digging out a dollar from his pocket and smoothing it enough with his shaking fingers to shove it into the machine with a curse.

"You're pretty cheap for a famous guy... I was expecting some first class breakfast after our run," Camille took the bottle of water with a smile that told him she was grateful despite her words, and James put his guard down again once he felt like things were less stressed between them than they had been a moment ago.

"Wow, missy. Usually when I buy things for my dates they're a lot more grateful," he smirked and found another dollar, holding it up in triumph and sliding over to the adjacent machine to get the girl a granola bar he knew was her favorite.

"This was a date?"

And the stress was back, paired with an imaginary foot in James' mouth. He shouldn't have used that terminology with her even if he was joking. With Sage it was okay, because they were obviously family in his mind, but Camille was ambiguous, and putting labels on things made him nauseous. He couldn't look at Camille, but he would have seen a glimmer of hope in her expression if he had pushed away his cowardice long enough to take a chance.

"No, Cam. I was teasing…" he answered softly before forcing on an expression of joking disbelief so their tone would remain playful. "I mean, why would you and I date? We're not- I… Well, we're really good friends," he rolled his own eyes at himself for messing up his speech even when he was concentrating. "You and I dating wo-"

"You guys are dating?" Logan showed up suddenly, stepping behind them with a tray of coffee in one hand, a bag of bagels in the other, and a grin on his face directed at James that the taller boy wanted to slap off. Logan knew damn well they weren't. He was trying to push James' buttons with tiny jabs whenever he saw him and Camille together in imaginative hopes that he could get them to actually be together as a couple and not just "friends".

"Nope. We're just really good friends," Camille repeated James' words too brightly as she twisted off the cap of her water and took a calming sip. James handed her the granola bar without making eye contact because he was focusing on a smirking Logan and imagining the ways he wanted to hurt him. "I gotta get going, but thanks for breakfast, James. I'll see you around," Camille waved at him and patted Logan's shoulder in a friendly hello and goodbye before walking past him and towards the elevator.

Logan went to open his mouth, but he didn't even get a syllable out before James pointed at him.

"Zip it, Logan," he hissed and stalked to the stairs, avoiding Camille by the elevator.

"You totally messed that up. You missed an awesome wide- really, _**really**_ wide- opening," Logan spoke anyway, following James up the stairs with a pep in his step.

"There is nothing to mess up!" James argued loudly once they were completely in the stairwell with the door to the lobby clicked shut behind them.

"Are you forgetting who you're talking to? Cut the act, Jamie," Logan sighed while he watched James' posture slacken in front of him, but the boy didn't turn around except to hold the door for Logan once they reached the second floor. "I saw you two holding hands when you came inside…"

"I helped her off of the ground," James countered rapidly, like he had the answer ready.

"And then you got magically glued together?"

"Shut up!"

Logan snickered and stepped through the door to 2J after James, shutting it soundly behind him. Kendall and Sage looked at them when James strode through the area and to the fridge. The couple was on the couch, Kendall with his guitar and Sage with a notebook.

"Yay, breakfast and a grumpy-looking James," Sage exclaimed awkwardly, shifting her eyes to Logan as he dropped the coffee and bagels onto the table and continued smirking in James' direction.

"This morning's gonna be a mixed bag of emotions, isn't it?" Kendall joked, placing his guitar gently on the coffee table and following Sage to the table to pick up a cup. James remained silent as he shuffled around the fridge to get the orange juice carton that was crammed in the back, cursing to himself and mumbling about Camille and an "annoying Logan" as he did so. The trio behind him watched on in amusement and leaned their lower halves against the dining table.

"Did you tell Carlos I was bringing home bagels?" Logan asked Kendall and Sage without taking his eyes off of James, who was currently picking up the grapes he had clumsily dropped on the floor in a childish fit.

"Mhm, but he only said he'd come down if he felt like it. He looked busy," Sage sipped the hot coffee carefully, pulling the cup away when the fluid nearly burned her tongue.

"Carlos rejected food? Did I miss the announcement for the apocalypse while I was out?" Genuine shock mixed with jest on Logan's features.

"He's probably just in the zone or something. He wouldn't stop sketching when we came to the door, and he didn't even look up except to toss some crumpled papers to the ground and grumble like… Like that," Kendall laughed airily when James continued to make noises and pour himself a glass of the successfully retrieved orange juice.

"I hope he at least comes out of the room soon. He's been in there since we got home yesterday," Logan took a seat once James slammed the refrigerator door shut and began sauntering over to the table, plopping down beside Logan and leaving Kendall and Sage to sit on the other side.

"I should lock myself in my room so I can't be bothered," James suggested as he scooped up the bag of food and dug out a plain bagel with butter that Logan knew he preferred.

"What's got you all agitated?" Sage asked cautiously, taking another sip of her drink when she thought it had cooled down a bit.

"He's just angry because he's with-slash-not-with Camille. They just had another weird not-date thingy," Logan rolled his eyes and smiled in victory when he found his blueberry bagel at the bottom of the bag, which he then slid across the table to Kendall.

"I'm really not going to tell you to shut up again…" James warned his friend with a pointed stare.

"Technically, you just did," Kendall informed him obnoxiously, smirking and selecting a plain bagel with cream cheese out of the bag, ripping it in half to share with Sage.

"You shut up too," James sneered.

"Can I speak?" Sage set her cup down and picked up her half of the bagel, tearing off a piece of it as she gazed hopefully at James.

"On a trial basis," he replied diplomatically, raising his chin higher in the air and chewing a large chunk off of his bagel. Kendall and Logan rolled their eyes in tandem, but Sage smiled gratefully.

"Why don't you ask Camille out on a real date sometime instead of doing all of this half-assed awkward stuff that Logan makes fun of you for?"

"I don't think she'd want to go out with me," James shook his head embarrassedly after he swallowed the dry food with a thick gulp.

"Please, she was flirting with you _**specifically**_ about going out with you just ten minutes ago," Logan yawned and then reached for his coffee.

"She was not… Was she?" James paused mid-bite on his bagel to stare anxiously at Kendall and Sage and then back to Logan.

"It was so obvious," the boy answered with confidence.

"You must be getting rusty if you missed all the signs," Kendall commented lowly but didn't do much to conceal his whisper and smirk directed across the table at James.

"There were no signs. Logan's just seeing things 'cause he thinks he's some sort of expert now that he has a long-term relationship under his belt," James snickered and picked up his glass of orange juice, jerking it towards the teen beside him in faux cheers before taking a swig. Logan remained unaffected by the taunting, though.

"They held hands," he informed Kendall and Sage of James and Camille's earlier action with a sugary sweet tone.

"Aw!" Sage looked to James with a mixture of surprise and approval of the romantic behavior while her boyfriend took a different, more brotherly, approach.

"James and Camille sitting in a tree. K- I- S- S- Ow!" Kendall winced and rubbed his shin where James' foot had connected solidly with it beneath the table. "For a guy who's gone all soft and mushy, you kick pretty hard," he continued his teasing even though he was still pressing his palm against the assaulted skin of his leg with a frown combined with a grin.

"I can punch pretty hard too," James cautioned him, his eyes peering over the edge of his glass of juice.

"No punching!" Logan and Sage reprimanded them at once knowing that only bad things happened when fists flew within the family. People cried or left home.

"Fine… But we're in the clear for kicking, right?" Kendall grinned at Logan and then at his girlfriend impishly. With James' previous attack on him, they knew they didn't have much of an argument for refusal.

"Have at it," Sage sighed and answered for her and Logan.

"Bitch," James groaned when Kendall kicked his leg harshly, and no one was sure where the curse was directed to; at Kendall for the pain or at Sage for being the one to give the go-ahead.

"You started it," Logan reminded him arrogantly.

"Shut up, Logan."

"Why do you keep telling him to shut up when you know he won't?" Sage asked tiredly, wishing James would stop exhausting himself.

"Being in love can make a person stupid," Kendall chimed in accusingly.

"Kendall!" James screeched indignantly and jolted his body downwards in an attempt to kick the boy again, but Kendall saw it coming and held his bagel with his teeth and folded his legs beneath his body on the chair.

As soon as he realized that he was successful, Kendall removed the food from his mouth and stuck his tongue out at James, who just huffed while Sage and Logan looked at each other with small smiles that clearly said, "They are acting like children but we love them anyway."

"I'm not in love," James explained too peacefully, as if his attitude would dictate what he felt, but no one was falling for it.

"Denial, then?" Sage offered carefully, grinning uneasily at her confused friend.

"I would argue, but we all know that 'in denial' is my favorite place to be…" James smirked humorously and shrugged, looking down at the tabletop and picking at his food, ripping pieces of the bread off and dropping them to the napkin he had placed below. The trio surrounding him softened, even Logan, who had been taking a teasing stance he thought James could have handled more easily because it wasn't so heavy.

"Cam is going to move on eventually, you know... She can't stick around forever to see if you're gonna do something," Logan mumbled, looking straight ahead and then finally turning to see James directly when he got no response other than a clearing of a throat. "I broke up with her forever ago. What are you waiting for?"

"Stop making it sound like you broke up with her for me. It makes me feel all guilty," James frowned.

"I'm sorry, bad choice of words. You know Cam and I are over because we wanted it that way. I just- In my head, you and her as a couple was supposed to be something that came out of it because you guys are good together, way better than her and I were. You'd be a great boyfriend if you gave yourself a chance," Logan patted James' shoulder, not detecting how stiff the boy was as he prepared to respond.

"James…" Sage said his name softly to get his attention right before he opened his mouth. He had that look on his face she knew well, the one that said he was about to redirect the discussion and say something harsh before scurrying off. Sometimes James still tried to shove help away now and then, but he had so much more than just Sage now, even if she could see the signs of a downfall easier because of all the practice she had. Since he told the guys about the personal changes he was making, they were more than supportive. It was amazing how much they, especially Logan, who he thought he had wronged the most, swept in to aid him in his honorable task.

Nodding at Sage, James took another deep breath; thinking before speaking.

"I can't be anyone's boyfriend no matter what I feel. I'm not wired that way. I'd fuck it up."

"I'm gonna use a little tough love right now and call you a wimp," Kendall interjected smoothly, sipping on his own coffee as James glared at him, ready for a battle, but Kendall didn't flinch. "I think you know that you could be good to Camille but you're too afraid to try for yourself. Maybe you're just not ready right now, but don't make it sound like you're not allowed or don't deserve to have someone to love and be with for more than one slutty night. It's not true."

Everyone waited for James to say something in response to Kendall's speech, and they had a feeling that he wasn't going to argue after there was a few seconds of silence. It meant he was thinking about the accurate and powerful words that only Kendall could deliver like he did, with the assuredness of a leader but the sympathy of a brother.

"So, you're telling me to just go for it?" James looked up at Kendall with shifty eyes, biting the inside of his cheek.

"Pretty much."

"Uh…" James thought about it, leaning forward in his seat as if he was about to catapult into the confident attitude he had been lacking, but then he deflated with a grimace. "No, nope… Can't do it." He shook his head and gulped down the rest of his orange juice with a trembling hand.

"God, James, come on!" Kendall groaned. He really thought the speech was going to work. "Stop being a baby and get the guts to just ask Camille out on a legitimate date already! You're pulling a Logan," he claimed in frustration.

"Exactly," Logan agreed wholeheartedly, pointing at Kendall. "Wait a minute…" he squinted and faltered as if he realized Kendall's comparison to him. He glared at the blonde across the table, but he didn't have much to disagree with. James was kind of acting like him, and he was acting kind of like James. In the recent weeks, there had been role reversals going on between them. Logan went on a few dates, finding confidence within himself after his split with Camille, and James hung around the actress and constantly turned into a stuttering and flustered mess. It seemed to work for them, though; it was like James and Logan, who were continuously butting heads, needed to learn and take a bit from each other to be overall happier or to at least start on that path in their adult life.

Sage jumped in when it looked like James was about to get up and make an excuse to exit the dialogue when the other two boys fell silent.

"What he means is…" Sage nudged Kendall, who was in the middle of smiling apologetically at Logan, so that they'd both turn their attention back to James. "If you take too long to pull the trigger, you might miss your chance. You have to take a risk or you're not gonna get what you want."

"That's the problem. I'm not sure what I want yet, and I'm not dragging Cam along for the ridiculous ride while I figure my shit out," James answered easily and firmly. He was serious now; not pretending. His family knew that it was time to stop pushing. "In the meantime, I'll keep hanging out with her when I can and embarrass myself here and there," he smiled at himself and chewed on another bite of his breakfast.

"You really were uncomfortable to watch when she asked you about dating," Logan snorted when he unsuccessfully tried not to laugh. "You _**are**_ turning into me," he made a joke at his own expense just to see James smile.

"And, with the amount of dates you're going on- and I'm proud of you for getting out there, by the way- you're gonna turn into a classier version of who I was in no time... Jeez, if we take into account that Carlos is getting all mad artist-y up in his room, I'd say we're all going nuts. The only normal thing around here is them," James pointed an accusing finger across the table at Kendall and Sage, who had stopped paying attention fully, once Logan and James sounded like they were getting along, and began exchanging loving glances and holding hands instead.

"Hey, don't jinx us!" Kendall yelled petulantly, actually worried about something bad happening because of his words. He was much happier lately, but there was always a nagging in the back of his head telling him things could crumble any second. James held his hands up in surrender and went back to eating, but Kendall couldn't stop staring at him and praying for him to take it back.

"Kendall," Sage lifted her hand to touch his cheek gently and turn his face to hers. "You've gotta stop worrying and admit that we're getting damn close to normal now. Everything's okay… Get used to it," she smirked when his anxious demeanor faded and he turned his head to kiss her palm.

"Fine, but-" he stopped talking when they heard a thud from the bedroom upstairs followed by footsteps, a creek of the same floorboard over and over was detectable once they were silent as their friend upstairs paced.

"He's moving around. That's progress," Logan chuckled, but he still shot a worried glance to the balcony over his shoulder and hoped Carlos would come out of their room soon or at least tell them what he was up to. It was starting to get less funny and more concerning. Nothing good could come out of Carlos being secretive.

* * *

"This isn't good… Well, it might not be bad… but it feels bad," Carlos murmured to himself fretfully as he walked up and down the length of his and Logan's bedroom and held a sketch in his hands.

As soon as BTR's obligations were over the day before, he had dropped his game face and started thinking about Elliot, or not Elliot, depending on how he looked at his discussion with the officer in Vermont. Other than the first name, the man had no identity in his eyes. At first, Carlos berated himself for not looking for a name-tag on the guy's uniform, but then, as he pondered his memories more and more, he realized he wasn't wearing one. The metal that should have displayed his moniker wasn't there and that only made Carlos feel queasy, like the man had something to hide from him.

He decided quickly that there was only one thing he could do to settle everything. He didn't have a definite full name, but he had the officer's face. It was right up in his head. He just needed to get it down on paper for the others to see; for Sage and Kendall to confirm or deny who Carlos believed in his heart it was. He refused to stop sketching until it was perfect, though. He couldn't scare his family without a solid account of who he saw. It had to be exact, and he had never been so grateful for his artistic skills before in his life.

The problem was his jumbled mind. Focusing was never his strong point, and he continuously agonized over remembering the man's face. He talked to so many strangers every day, it was part of his personality. One time, he even struck up a fifteen minute conversation, against Logan's cautious advisement, with a beggar he had given a twenty dollar bill to; learning the names of the guy's two children and ex-wife that lived in some state he couldn't recall. That information floated away a few hours later after he had engaged in several other discussions in the same day.

Carlos had faith and a relentless determination on his side this time, however. Facts, figures, and letters weren't his forte, but visuals were; art was. He was sure that, if he focused and took the time, he could get the sketch of the man's face right. And now he had the final, weighty piece of paper in his shaking, lead-covered hands, but he was uncertain about what to do with it. He spent hour after hour working at a rapid pace, ripping or crumpling up images that weren't right; the eyes had been the wrong shape or the nose wasn't the correct length, but then he had finally fixed on one image. He stared at it for several minutes straight just to be sure, and when he saw the image come alive like he was outside of the stadium in Vermont again, he knew he had gotten it, but now he had to decide who to talk to.

Kendall seemed like the best choice. James and Logan wouldn't be able to give him answers, just more anxiety as they all hypothesized, and if the officer was in fact Elliot Henderson, he couldn't let Sage be the first to confirm it. Kendall needed to know before her so he wouldn't be blindsided and he would be able to break it to Sage in the best possible way, not that there was any good way to tell someone that their personal devil was back in their newly content life.

Taking one last look at the sketch of "Elliot", Carlos sighed unsteadily and placed it upside down on his mattress before heading for the door. Everything in his body felt jumpy as he moved towards the sounds of laughter at the edge of the balcony. It was as if every noise made his muscles ache and told him to run back into his room to hide forever, and his feet even dragged a few times, but he kept going forward. None of them could have any secrets anymore. Especially not ones of this magnitude.

"K-Kendall, could you come up here? I wanna sh-show you something…" Carlos coughed when he was done speaking and everyone was looking up at him. He knew he probably looked as bad as he felt. He hadn't slept at all since the day before. He only took a shower when he needed to clear his head and stop staring at the pencil and paper when every drawing didn't even come close to the image he had in his mind.

"Sure, buddy," Kendall agreed immediately after a few beats of silence. Carlos could tell they were all worried about him, but he was just worried about them. Kendall kissed Sage and then walked briskly to the stairs beneath Carlos while he made his way back into his room without ever making eye contact with the girl, whether it was out of guilt or nerves he wasn't sure. "What do you need, Carlitos?" Kendall strolled into the room almost as soon as Carlos had made it to the center of it, his gaze landing on the back of the white paper on his bed.

"I need to show you something," he repeated his earlier words softly, still staring at the drawing rather than Kendall. "It could mean nothing, or it could mean everything…" he added and worked his hands together.

"Why are you being all shifty about it?" Kendall wondered innocently, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans and rocking on his feet as he waited for Carlos to turn around.

"I don't want Sage to see it before you do," he whispered and reached for the paper.

"What's wrong?" Kendall's voice shifted from nonchalant to worked-up in less than a second at the mention of his girlfriend.

"Just look at this and _**please**_ tell me it's no one. Please tell me I'm crazy and you have no fucking clue what's on this paper," Carlos begged, holding the sheet with an outstretched arm. Kendall took it curiously and flipped it over to see the image.

Carlos held his breath and felt like he wanted to clench his eyes shut, as if preparing for a physical blow, but he couldn't take them off of Kendall, and he felt his heart plummet at the visual. The boy's posture wasn't what he wanted to see. It grew rigid as soon as he surveyed the black and white sketch, and his green eyes went wide.

"Where did you get this?" Kendall's vision jerked upward rapidly to look at Carlos over the paper, which was still held firmly but fluttering as he shook.

"I drew it…" Carlos admitted sadly, like he was confessing something.

"How did you-"

"It's him, isn't it? It's Elliot," Carlos exhaled the air he kept holding in with a frown.

Kendall flinched at the name being said aloud and then stared back down at the sketch with murderous eyes. It had been a very long time since he'd seen the only man in the world he ever honestly thought about killing.

"How do you know what he looks like?" It was frightening to Carlos how level his friend sounded. It was like each word and flicker of his eyelashes was planned and controlled as he battled not to meltdown; he was hovering between anger and depression.

"I m-met him in Vermont. We talked," Carlos spoke regretfully.

"Holy shit! What happened?" Kendall finally dropped his hand to his side and searched the other boy's body for injures with roaming, fearful eyes.

"Nothing, nothing…" Carlos assured him, but he felt like it was inadequate. Nothing could ease the pain of what was occurring. "I didn't even know who he was. I thought he was just another cop; we see them all the time. He struck up a conversation, and I never caught his name until I heard the lady on the radio say 'Elliot' when he was driving away from the stadium…"

"He was near all of us?" Kendall panicked, stepping backwards like his body was thinking about collapsing. Carlos understood. When he looked back on his discussion with the officer, he felt sick to his stomach knowing how close he was to the man he loathed; he smiled and laughed with Elliot like he was a normal human being.

"H-He was watching you and Sage before the show, and asking questions... I'm so sorry, Kendall. I didn't know. I'm sorry," Carlos apologized rapidly, feeling remorse because everything was falling apart so fast that he couldn't keep up. He wasn't sure that any of them could. "I should have told you sooner, but I wanted the picture to be right so I didn't scare Sage for nothing, and-"

"Oh, god… Sage…" Kendall's solid posture broke with a whimper of his girlfriend's name. The paper crinkled noisily in his hand as he looked around the room without reason, appearing lost before he focused back on Carlos. "Wha- What's going to happen? What's he going to do? We _**never**_ know what he's gonna do!" Kendall shouted and struggled to breathe, taking in air before losing the ability to exhale without making himself upset. Carlos rushed to close the distance between them, taking his best friend by the arm and moving him to the bed to sit him down.

"Ssh, Kendall. We'll figure it out together… We have to tell the others…" Carlos looked him over with concern, but then jumped backwards slightly when Kendall yelled again.

"No!" he stared at Carlos with wide eyes and then lowered his voice. "You said he was just working for the police department there, right? We don't have to do anything. He's on the other side of the country. It was just a coincidence that he ran into you. We don't have to worry Sage with this… Right?" Kendall's smile was so desperate and delusional that Carlos felt his heart break because he couldn't play along.

"He was asking about you guys specifically… We've gotta do something. He might come here…" Carlos reluctantly became the devil's advocate, and Kendall nodded but then shook his head before nodding again, his face crumbling.

"He c-can't, Carlos… He can't," he was about to cry, his shoulders trembling so much that Carlos felt it in his own bones as he sat beside him. "If he- I can't do it again. I can't live without her. If she gets- I won't be able to-" Kendall couldn't finish anything he wanted to say. There were too many thoughts and nightmares trying to come to life and paralyze him at once.

He didn't realize that he was steadily crying until Carlos pulled him into a hug and rubbed his back. He could feel the tears soaking into the fabric of the boy's shirt beneath his paling face.

"You're alright, man. Everything's going to be okay. Sage is stronger now, and we'll all protect her…" Carlos shushed him, and Kendall nodded against his shoulder and attempted to take a deep breath, but he still leaned into Carlos' embrace for the support as he continued to speak and calm Kendall down. "Elliot can't have her again no matter what he does. We won't let him ruin our family."

Carlos seemed brave and sure, like Kendall would have been if he was himself at the moment, because it was necessary. If Kendall couldn't stay strong all the time, Carlos would do it for him, and he was sure that James and Logan would too whenever they felt the others collapsing. They'd take on whatever roles they needed to in order to get through this; whatever "this" was. Carlos got his answer about the identity of Elliot, but everything was still up in the air. It was so uncertain. All he knew for sure was that one of his brothers was crying in his arms and the others were with his fragile sister, sitting downstairs and most likely smiling and laughing because they had no idea that disaster was about to strike.

* * *

**A/N: I warned you about the "returning face from the past" ;) And I'm pretty sure you could have all guessed accurately who it was lol But did you like how it happened? I know some things, aka: Elliot's motives, are left in the dark for now. But what he was thinking throughout that scene with Carlos and why he was there will be revealed very soon :)**

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this chapter :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I appreciate any feedback and I love meeting fellow readers/fans of BTR. Don't be shy :) **

**I'll see you in two/three weeks :)**


	53. Big Time Encounter

**A/N: So, this chapter is over 25,000 words- the size of TWO of my normal chapters all in one. I'm HOPING that that makes the long span between updates a little more bearable? XD I really am sorry that things keep getting in the way of me being able to have a consistent schedule. And thank you SO MUCH for the sweet messages and continued excitement for the story. **

**I hope you enjoy this extra-long chapter- I thought about actually splitting it in two and posting on separate weeks, but there was no way in hell I could hold out like that lmao XD This is one of my favorites so far… I missed writing Elliot :P**

*******Also, between updates, the best way to keep in touch with me and to see info on the progress of updates, if you are curious, is to check my TUMBLR page. The URL is "waterwicca" there too, and the direct link to there can be found on my profile here by clicking my name at the top left of the screen :) I post/reblog BTR related things, PTS related things, and a few personal things :) **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**_-waterwicca_**

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_CHAPTER 53: BIG TIME ENCOUNTER_

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"We should go downstairs now…"

Carlos had no idea how long he had been holding his best friend, feeling Kendall's once sturdy frame shake as they perched on the end of his bed. The boy had cried for several minutes, only a few anguished gasps and hiccups cutting through the room while his heart beat so fast that Carlos could feel it beneath the arm he had wrapped around Kendall's shoulders. He pulled him close; as if they were kids again and Kevin Knight had just passed. In total, he figured it had probably been close to a half-hour before he decided to speak. His brother's breathing had evened out significantly, and he sniffled just once in a while. The side of Kendall's head was still pressed solidly against Carlos' shoulder, his face downcast to the floor and his eyes looking blankly past the wrinkled sketch of Elliot in his lap.

"I-I guess." He cleared his throat and then inhaled deeply, holding the air in while his body was still for just a moment before pushing against Carlos with an exhale and propelling sideways to sit up straight in a swift movement. He thrust the paper towards his friend without much effort; using just a twitch of his arm that made Carlos take it from him instinctively and scan the drawing as Kendall wiped his eyes.

The white sheet was creased in multiple spots from Kendall's angered fists, but the picture was clear. Elliot was seared in Carlos' mind for good, and he had a feeling that he'd be in the entire family's psyches for years to come. The sketch was in black and white but somehow felt full of life, with buried sinister intentions between all of the curved lines that formed a regular man's expressionless face that Carlos could only decipher since he knew the truth. It was difficult, though, to imagine the officer on the page as a stranger and then morphing him into a monster that could beat Kendall and rape and mentally torture a fragile girl like Sage. That evil reality was one Carlos fully comprehended, but it had been structured in his imagination from spoken words. His own interaction with Elliot had seemed normal, friendly even. It was mystifying to jump back and forth between nice Elliot and evil Elliot, and he assumed the switch must always be quick; fast enough to easily traumatize the people who met both personalities.

"Do I look like I was crying? Sage won't be able to tell, right?"

Carlos blinked and jerked his head after realizing Kendall had stood up. He was running his fingers through his bangs, swiping them to slightly favor one side of his brow. His eyes had successfully dried and his face was still a bit pale from what Carlos could see in the sunlight creeping through the blinds behind the bed, creating thin lines of light up the length of Kendall's body. The boy towered above the sitting Carlos, but somehow he appeared smaller than normal. He stared down at Carlos with hopefulness in his expression that could only be described as delusional because the rest of his form still reeked of depression he couldn't dismiss.

"Kendall…" Carlos sighed and shook his head. He didn't want him to pretend to be okay. It was what Kendall used to do in the beginning of Sage's recovery, and he was almost as unhealthy as she had been. Carlos, James, and Logan couldn't handle watching him go down that destructive path again.

Seeming to hear the warning in his friend's tone, Kendall's false confidence plummeted almost as fast as he had acquired it; his head tilted downward to resemble a scolded child under Carlos' gaze of sympathy mixed with wary reprimand that he knew was valid. His eyes fell to the floor beneath him, but his posture was still stiff; he was still fighting to be stronger than he really was before he saw Sage and shifted their lives yet another time.

"Don't do that again. It's not good for you or her… for any of us..."

Carlos' words were once again met with silence. He watched Kendall blink a few times, drying lashes brushing the skin beneath his eyes before staring right at Carlos for just a second. His shoulders slouched minutely enough to let Carlos know he had been heard, and then he rubbed his palms on his jeans and headed for the door, leaving Carlos to jump up and scramble after him.

Kendall didn't move too quickly down the staircase, providing his brother with plenty of time to catch up. Each of his steps dragged and he came to a complete halt once he had made it to the bottom of the stairwell, causing Carlos to nearly fall into him at the sudden stop. They stood closely together in the tiny space right before the narrow passage opened up into the wider hallway to Kendall, Sage, and James' rooms on the right and to the rest of the apartment on the left. Carlos watched Kendall in confusion as he bent forward a bit, and then he leaned in to press his hands against Kendall's shoulders to better hear what he was listening to. The first thing he heard was the faint sound of Sage's laughter followed by the much closer sigh of her boyfriend as he hung his head low and remained still.

"Please, Sage! I wanna know! Does Cam talk about me? Does she talk about Logan? I need details!" It had been half an hour since breakfast, but Kendall wasn't surprised that the trio he left in the kitchen was still on the topic of Camille, and Carlos didn't have to have been present for the earlier conversation to comprehend the current one. Camille was all James ever thought about whether he realized it or not. They couldn't see, but Carlos and Kendall could detect that the sink was running and a few dishes were clinking together.

"No, you don't," Sage was amused, a smile evident in her voice. The water ran faster before it was shut off.

"Actually," Logan started, "the thought is kind of fascinating. I wonder what Camille would say about us, her ex and prospect, in a strictly female environment."

Carlos smiled and bit back a small chuckle, momentarily forgetting that he and Kendall weren't with the rest of the family enjoying the morning and Logan's overly articulate ponderings. Kendall pivoted and pressed his forehead into the wall at the corner right before the hallway started. Carlos could see his tired grin and shut eyes in the shadows crawling across his profile as they listened.

"I can't repeat what she tells me in confidence," Sage maintained sympathetically but sternly.

"Stop being a good friend. It's not helping me at all," James whined, and Logan and Sage laughed at the boy undoubtedly crossing his arms petulantly as the pair finished cleaning and putting away the dishes.

"Just ask Cam what she thinks about you. She'll give you an answer."

"Easier said than done. He's gotta grow the balls to do it first. And if the last few months are any indication, it's a _**slow**_ process," Logan teased.

"Both of you are mean," James complained in a high pitch. "I'm not gonna grace you with my amazing presence anymore if you don't wise up."

"Sorry, Jamie," Sage sounded sincere, but Logan kept up with his taunting because it wasn't often that he and James backed down from one another in their banter.

"Oh, god no. Please, stay. I'd be lost without you," Logan's voice was monotone and Kendall smiled faintly again, shifting on his feet but not moving away from the wall. Carlos sighed and twisted so that he was pressing his back against the wall right beside him. "Ow!" Logan yelped. "Dishtowels aren't weapons, James!"

"Well, I'm certainly not gonna use them to dry dishes," James chuckled haughtily, most likely having gone nowhere near the sink and leaving the cleaning to Logan and Sage.

"How long have Carlos and Kendall been upstairs? I'm going to need backup if you two insist on brawling," Sage was complaining but she still seemed entertained, shutting the cupboard with a soft thud as James and Logan mumbled curses at each other and scuffled, small screeches echoing as their sneakers slid against the kitchen floor.

Kendall tilted his head more towards Carlos' direction, the shimmer against his jade irises visible in the darkness as he smiled sadly, looking for a push. Carlos pressed his lips together and nodded slowly, swallowing the lump in his throat when Kendall appeared to shiver with anxiety as he slid away from the wall after Carlos placed a hand on his arm and gave him some literal coaxing. After Kendall had inched into the hallway, Carlos glanced down at the drawing in his hand. He took a deep breath and folded it in half when he could no longer handle the sight of Elliot staring back at him.

"Speak of the devils," Sage happily smiled when she spotted Kendall and Carlos, shooting extra cheer in her brother's direction because she hadn't really seen much of him in the last twenty-four hours during his intense artistic session.

Carlos could only see the back of Kendall's head by the time they had stopped near the dining table, but he assumed that his face couldn't have been displaying anything good because Sage's brow furrowed once she really took a look at her boyfriend. She ceased drying her hands with a towel by the sink, and James and Logan paused mid tug-of-war with the second one when she spoke.

"What's wrong?"

Carlos hated that she had to think that way; that she had to think in terms of something absolutely having to be wrong instead of just the possibility. The top of Kendall's body swayed backwards as if he was thinking of retreating but his legs knew it was impossible to leave Sage when she was staring at him like she was; fear mingling with guardedness that wouldn't fade until she got an answer she was pretty sure she wouldn't like. Kendall was quiet as he shoved his hands into his pockets and twisted his neck so he could see Carlos in his position just a step behind him out of the corner of his eye. His mouth opened and then shut with no sound. It dawned on Carlos that he was just as scared as Sage for once and not really doing much of anything to hide it. When their leader was silent, it spoke volumes.

"Is everything okay?" Logan asked, coming off as more optimistic but unable to succeed in taking the wary tone out of his voice. He gave James a sideways glance and they both let go of the towel, the tool of their childish game instantly lying forgotten on the linoleum floor.

"Not really," Carlos confessed with regret, staring at the folded paper clutched in both of his hands before looking up at Sage. He wished he didn't, though. Whatever expression he was wearing appeared to make her anxiety worsen. Her shoulders curled forward as if she were going to hide but she stopped herself and put her towel on the counter instead, using her hand to lean on it heavily.

"Does this have something to do with why you've been up in your room forever? Are you sick? Are you getting back with Arielle?" James suggested almost too brightly, like he knew that any alternative was going to be better than the truth. Carlos had to smile at his friend's cheery demeanor, no matter how sad it was in its origins, because the boy's attitude was always infectious, but then he shook his head.

"It's not about me…" Carlos admitted and snuck another look at Sage, who hadn't taken her eyes off of Kendall. They were staring at each other, both connected and engaging in a silent conversation filled with emotions and more questions than answers. After a few beats of nothing but breathing in the room, Kendall found his voice.

"Sage," he started, clearing his throat when her name came out in a whisper. "Baby, I need you to sit down, okay?" He held his hand forward and began walking towards the couch, meeting Sage halfway as she followed his request.

"Why?" She didn't protest despite her question. She settled on the couch right beside Kendall, finally taking her eyes off of him momentarily to see a puzzled James and Logan trailing behind a solemn Carlos as they joined the couple.

It was uncharacteristically quiet in 2J for a time when all five of the family members were in one space, and even though each of them didn't have answers yet, the need to be close was unspoken for the entire group. James sat beside Sage, his leg pressed right against hers and his vision unsuccessfully trying to connect with Kendall's on her other side. Logan moved the guitar that was left on the coffee table and took a seat on the furniture in front of the others with Carlos beside him.

"Dude, just rip off the Band-Aid. The suspense is making me jittery," James spoke while his leg bounced up and down, and they could tell he was trying for humor, but it failed miserably because they were all literally shaking in one way or another.

The hand Carlos used to hold the sketch wouldn't stay still even when he tried to prop it carefully in his lap. Logan's eyes were moving jerkily around their group while Kendall's jaw was loosening and clenching with more unspoken words. Sage's entire body was vibrating and she was waiting for something to snap as she struggled to read her boyfriend, who inhaled roughly, licked his lips, and looked up at her after shutting his eyes for a moment.

"It's Elliot…" Sage shuddered but didn't even blink. Her eyes were too wide. "He talked to Carlos..." Kendall sounded guilty even though he hadn't done anything. With the confession, he squeezed her hand so tightly that his knuckles turned as pale as Sage's face. She let out a pained gasp at the information, clutching Kendall even tighter. Her breath became strangled as if her ribs were cracked, and she jerked backwards at the memories of what it felt like to really have them fractured. She tried to catch her breath and then she held still.

"E-Elliot?"

The word, fortunately, had hardly come up in conversation too often anymore. It had been accepted as part of the past, something to move on from, but now it just came back with a nauseating ferocity; it had enough force for her head to ache as if her stepfather had struck her across the face. Bile rose up in her throat, which was constricting with its old instinctual readiness to scream in pain. She bit her lip roughly and looked down at her body like it didn't belong to her or like she wasn't really where she believed she was, but then she caught the sight of all of their knees knocking together in a cluster, because of the closeness of the quintet, and she remembered Kendall's words.

He jumped a little when Sage suddenly scooted forward on the orange sofa as much as she could, having been watching her slower movements so carefully that the quickness startled him into action.

"He s-spoke to you? When did- Are you- Did he h-hurt you?" she asked Carlos unsteadily. She was petrified. She didn't just have herself and Kendall to worry about anymore, and she had spent over a year praying that Elliot would never cross over into their life with Logan, James, and Carlos.

She touched Carlos' face with an expression that was purely eerie to her family. She looked distant and detached while somehow remaining present and concerned. Scanning his body with darting eyes, she slid her touch down to Carlos' arm slowly, like she was expecting the skin to bruise beneath her smooth and careful palm because absolutely everything Elliot encountered bruised and bled.

"No, sis. I'm fine, I swear…" Carlos smiled weakly and his words were gentle as he moved sluggishly to take the hand she didn't have attached to Kendall's, caressing the back of it between their laps.

"What the fuck happened, Car? Where is he?" James wondered heatedly, gaze fuming and his frame stiffening as if preparing for a fight while simultaneously placing a calmer palm on Sage's back and rubbing it up and down gradually, most likely hoping to feel the tension leave her even though he was pretty sure it was an impossibility.

"Is he _**here**_?" Logan asked for clarification, voice rising in worry as he thought about dealing with Elliot at any second.

Sage's entire body jolted a fraction of an inch before she settled down again, but none of them missed the way her eyes shifted towards the door and then onto Kendall. Carlos immediately let go of her hand so she could bring it to the ones she and her boyfriend had connected between them, the point of contact seeming to keep her grounded more than sitting down was.

"Not-" Kendall stopped because "yet" was right on the tip of his tongue but he didn't want to make Sage jump like she had again. He wasn't sure his heart could take another jolt in such quick succession. His own body felt like it was still recovering from when Carlos delivered the news to him earlier. "No, he's in Vermont."

Logan nodded very slowly, listening but still thinking rapidly with no solid result. Carlos stared at Kendall again, who was being abnormally short with his words, behaving as if each one had to be carefully selected, while Logan gazed sideways at Carlos. He watched him and blinked and breathed steadily, trying to stay levelheaded while they were all spiraling. He yearned for answers from the boy, an odd role for Carlos to be in since he was always looking to Logan for solutions. Meanwhile, James wouldn't stop staring at Sage and Kendall with anxious fury. He was stiff, like he expected them to disappear while he was so invested in keeping them together and happy; the two of them being his truest example of love.

"He's gonna come here, isn't he? I don't understand. Everything was fine. He was gone…" Sage's breathing was erratic as she stared at Carlos. James continued to rub her back and Kendall smoothed his free hand over her forearm. "Why now?"

"I kinda ran into _**him**_. He was working security outside of the stadium… We talked while you and Kendall were being interviewed before the concert," Carlos explained uncomfortably, wishing the conversation wasn't necessary.

"But you didn't know it was him?" James clarified.

"And was he _**really**_ working, or was he pretending?" Logan inquired in a search for any information he could use to paint the bigger picture.

"He had a squad car and a badge. His nametag was off, though... He never introduced himself but then I heard dispatch say his name when he was leaving, and I freaked out," Carlos sighed and unfolded the forgotten drawing in his hand, looking at it with Logan peeking over. "I'm sorry… I didn't wanna show anyone until I knew I got it right and had Kendall confirm it…" he held up the paper for the others to see. James glared as if Elliot was really there, feeling uncomfortable with the fact that he had actually been standing so close to him only two days earlier without knowing it. Logan felt it too; terrified that they could all now put a face to the man. Kendall's jaw tightened once again, and Sage whimpered and shut her eyes at the image, bringing her chin down to her chest and causing the pendant hanging there to push into her skin.

"That's enough," Kendall whispered and took the drawing out of Carlos' hand, refolded it, and tossed it onto the coffee table behind his friends.

"So, you're saying this was just a fluke?" James scoffed and smiled darkly as he shook his head.

"I don't know… Maybe?" Carlos shrugged helplessly. "He asked a lot of questions about Sage and Kendall but nothing he couldn't have already known. He just seemed… interested…."

"You don't get it. He's not gonna just walk away from this!" Sage insisted abruptly, startling the others. She gazed intensely at Carlos, Logan, and James, pleading for them to understand. Then she looked to Kendall because he knew; he knew Elliot wouldn't lie down now that he saw them. It couldn't have been just a coincidence, and, if it was, then he'd undoubtedly find a way to utilize it in a manner that wouldn't end well.

"We'll think of something to-"

"It's my fault," Sage interrupted Logan like she hadn't really heard him, staring widely at their legs rather than any faces. "He shouldn't even be out there. He shouldn't- I shouldn't have let him go." She slipped her hands away from Kendall and grabbed at her hair with her elbows on her thighs, her upper body slowly rocking. "I was so stupid. I could've ran earlier than I did. I fuckin' helped him when he got shot. Why did I help him?" she murmured, rocking faster and twisting her blonde locks between her fingers. "I took care of him instead. I _**slept**_ with him, and when I made it out I let him go free… I'm so fucked up…" Sage whined and curled in on herself tighter, speaking rapidly and lowly as if she wasn't aware of any of them being there anymore.

All she could think about was the mistakes she had made in her old life with Elliot, the potentially fatal errors she had foolishly made after being so broken down. But just because they were in the past didn't mean that they no longer belonged to her. The guilt they caused made her veins burn, but the alternatives were only becoming clear now that she was truly free. Back then, nothing seemed like a viable option. Her mind was unobstructed now, though, and she hated herself.

"Hey!" Logan stepped in, voice firm and loud as he grabbed her wrists. He took the initiative because Kendall couldn't; he looked like he was going to break himself, gazing at his girlfriend with wide eyes. "Listen to me, sweetie. Do _**not**_ do that to yourself, alright? We worked past that last year. You remember, don't you?" Logan lowered Sage's hands but kept them together in one of his own as he titled her head up with his fingers under her chin so he could see her eyes. "Don't go back, Sage. Stay here with us… Breathe just like we used to practice…"

Logan was a saint, calm in the middle of a group breakdown and staring right at Sage while inhaling slowly, holding it, and then exhaling just as sluggishly. He repeated the motions without fail until the fog dissipated from Sage's eyes and she appeared more focused on him. She looked apprehensive, like she wasn't sure she comprehended or could comply, but then she nodded after taking a look at Carlos and James. Grabbing onto Kendall's hand blindly, she breathed like Logan showed her until she felt her heart beating at a normal pace once again; not realizing that she was having a panic attack until it was over.

"What are we gonna do? Don't we need a plan?" Carlos spoke nervously, watching Sage continue to breathe like he was sure that she was going to stop again. Then he looked to Kendall, but their leader wasn't paying much attention, only staring down at Sage's hand and grazing the smooth skin with his fingertips.

"I plan on getting a flight to Vermont. How 'bout you, Kendall?" James smiled sinisterly, ready for a fight, but he didn't stop rubbing his palm up and down Sage's back.

"That'd be premeditated…" Kendall mumbled as he simply continued his movements against his girlfriend's skin. The speed and severity of his answer scared her, Logan, and Carlos. It was like he fully intended on killing Elliot and the only thing stopping him was that he'd be sent to prison away from Sage. She didn't want him to consider it no matter what. The risks were too high. James was ready to do whatever Kendall wanted, though. He wasn't scared of Kendall's reaction because he was having the same thoughts, whether they were wrong or not.

"We need a _**legal**_ plan," Logan replied, scowling at Kendall's response but choosing not to argue because the boy didn't even look at him. "Wait… Legal…" Logan thought for a moment, James looking like he was still about to leap off of the couch if his friend didn't say something good and Carlos waiting to support whatever the genius suggested. "We have to go to Kelly and Gustavo."

"We do?" Sage trembled again and shot her head up in Logan's direction.

"I don't know, Logan…" Kendall let his eyes roam to the brunette before going back to Sage.

"_**We**_ should deal with it. Just the family- no outsiders," James countered and crossed his arms.

"Gustavo and Kelly _**are**_ family. They've always been there for us," Carlos supported Logan, but Sage remained silent, and Kendall and James didn't look convinced; shooting glances at each other above the girl's hunched shoulders between them.

"Look," Logan started again, "we've been dealing with things by ourselves for well over a year now… The five of us can't keep it up forever, especially not with something like this happening," he turned to grab the tossed sketch and then he waved it between all of them. "We're pop stars and songwriters; we have no real power. We need help."

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"I don't think I can help you kids." The lawyer Gustavo had called in was well into middle age but was the type to acquire enough plastic surgery to defy nature, and her emotional capacity was just about as genuine as her altered face.

"Then what am I paying you for, Ms. Harvey?" Gustavo growled and sat forward in his chair at the end of the conference table, glaring at the redheaded woman from over the top of his sunglasses with dark eyes as she rolled her own and stared down at the myriad of files on the surface in front of her, several folders spread between her and the boys and Sage on the other side that had been read through all morning.

The family of five left the apartment and made a beeline right for Rocque Records as soon as they decided to seek Gustavo's assistance, with Sage dragging her feet slightly, just like she used to when she started getting out of the Palm Woods a year and a half earlier, and only relaxing enough to take her eyes off of the ground once they made it to Logan's car. She and the others were quiet on the ride over; each one of them mentally preparing for what could happen. Sage never wanted to tell Gustavo and Kelly her true background and neither of them had ever honestly asked, the producer even going out of his way to not push her after he had seen how "different" she was when Kendall begged him to let her stick around. Even though she felt like it began as charity, she also felt like Gustavo was a true mentor to her now, and Kelly was a good friend and a strong woman to look up to. It killed Sage to think that she could be making them both see her in a harsher light.

She didn't know if she should have been extremely surprised or extremely grateful that they wound up taking it so well, so she settled on a combination of both that overwhelmed her into a silence as she listened to Gustavo say he'd take care of "Blondie and the dogs" no matter what happened. He showed a softer side of himself that matched the solemn mood they all seemed to be in as he discussed what they should do after he listened to Sage's entire tale, taking facts in from the boys if she couldn't find the right words when the nausea and anxiety choked her from time to time. Kelly didn't even have to be told to get on the phone with a lawyer at the end of their meeting, dialing the best Griffin had on a retainer for the global company that could be there and ready to talk by the afternoon; giving Carlos and James more than enough time to drive back to the Palm Woods to get Elliot's almost forgotten letter from its secure place in the living room desk of 2J. That and the contents of the envelope it was sent in were the only real connections they had with Elliot to show the lawyer, and she didn't seem very moved by them.

"Can't we get a restraining order?" Logan wondered in disbelief, glancing beside himself at Sage, who had her chair as close as possible to Kendall's because his arm was around her waist.

"The things you're alleging are over a year old. There's no reason for a judge to believe that there is an immediate threat to any of your lives. As far as this recent event goes, Mr. Henderson didn't search you out. You went to _**his**_ town where he was doing his job, which was to take care of you. There was no danger involved," Ms. Harvey insisted condescendingly.

"Is she crazy?" James raised a sculpted eyebrow in Kelly's direction, looking for confirmation from the assistant sitting beside her boss on the shorter stretch of the table. He was angry, only staying in his seat by gripping the arms of the leather chair and because the cautious stare that Logan was giving him was strong enough to make him feel it without even looking.

"She's the best in her field," Kelly answered sheepishly, acting as if she was apologizing to him without having to say the word "sorry" and admitting that she didn't like the lawyer either.

"I assure you I have all of my mental faculties intact, Mr. Diamond."

Her self-important grin made James scowl and pray that he never looked like that big of an asshole when he got into one of his conceited moods. He'd want to punch himself, just like he was mentally attacking the redhead across the table. He had a solid rule against violence when it came to the fairer sex but his subconscious was making an exception without his consent as he bit his tongue and shifted in his seat because of how much he wanted to protect Sage and Kendall. This person wasn't a male or female to him; they were just the enemy.

"And we've done our research," Ms. Harvey's unnamed associate spoke up, sensing the tension in the conference room. He was uneasy and shy but more compassionate than his superior as he fumbled with a folder in front of him that contained the file he put together on short notice after Kelly contacted his office. "With a phone call to Elliot's station in Vermont, we learned from his captain that Officer Henderson didn't even choose to be a part of the security team outside the stadium on your concert date. He only went in because he was needed after one of his coworkers called out sick."

"Do you think he hurt the guy?" Carlos wondered in fear as he leaned forward to stare down the line of his family beside him, starting with Kendall. If he wanted to work at their performance, Elliot would have done anything to get the assignment.

"That right there is the kind of assumption that is going to bring trouble to all of you in the future if you keep pushing this. You have no evidence, but you accuse him of things openly without hesitation. It's called defamation of character," the lawyer informed them with irritation, like they were making her job harder. Her main goal was to protect the interest of the company, even if it meant sacrificing people's feelings. She didn't really care whether the boys and Sage were telling the truth or not; she only cared if she had a case that could be won.

"It's called reality, bitc-"

"James…" Kelly hissed and the boy shut his mouth dutifully after looking her way. Her red lips weren't even attempting a cordial smile but only a sympathetic and depressed frown that made him feel a little less angry about not giving the woman across the table a piece of his mind.

"Heel, dog," Gustavo added softly, sounding more soothing compared to his usual authoritative tone. James settled back in his chair and stared over at Sage, seeing the girl gazing blankly at the glass tabletop in front of her. Kendall's lips were pressed together, looking as if he was struggling just as much as James to keep quiet. Carlos appeared upset and frazzled, not thinking that this was how the meeting was going to go, and Logan was reclining and narrowing his eyes thoughtfully at the lawyers, thinking intensely.

"So…" Ms. Harvey began as awkwardly as she could manage while still maintaining a haughty presence, "the restraining order is a no-go. Now, as for the rape case-"

"You're gonna pursue that?" Sage finally spoke, jerking her head up to look at the woman.

"I'm actually advising against it."

Sage sighed, relief mixing with guilt caused by the former. She still wasn't sure that she'd be able to go through with a trial of any sort, and there most certainly would be one if they continued forward like they were. Elliot wouldn't go down without a fight, and just telling Gustavo, Kelly, the lawyers her story already made her feel like hiding in the apartment for the rest of her life. She knew that the shame of being raped shouldn't belong to her, but getting rid of it was easier said than done. It stayed inside of her like a virus circulating through her bloodstream, sometimes rearing its ugly head with vigor and other times lying dormant.

"Excuse me?" Kendall, Gustavo, and James all yelled at once. Kelly just looked like she was ready to grab her boss if he made a move to lunge at the lawyer, and Carlos and Logan stared at the pair of suits in shock. When they agreed to seek legal assistance, they hadn't anticipated being shut down. It didn't seem like a possibility after everything they had all been dealing with privately for so long. They thought that they just had to take the first step and then the rest would fall into place, but apparently everything was going to be an uphill climb.

"Elliot can't just get away with what he did," Carlos claimed passionately, pulling his chair more toward the table and putting his hands on the surface.

"Miss Henderson let him," the lawyer countered without hesitation.

"Don't call her that," Kendall ordered heatedly at the use of Sage's last name. He wanted more than ever for her to be a "Knight".

"Kendall…" Logan hissed in warning, sharing a look above Sage's head that the others couldn't quite decipher the meaning of; like the pair new something the rest didn't. "Let her speak," he requested softly, titling his head towards the lawyer.

"She's not saying anything we want to hear," James argued, making Ms. Harvey smirk. No one was sure whether she respected his spunk or just thought he was amusing, or perhaps it was the worst case scenario and she was about to walk out because of his attitude.

"Jamie, we probably shouldn't make enemies with the person hired to help us…" Carlos scolded him halfheartedly from the other end of their line.

"She's _**not**_ helping!" James shouted, not bothering to keep his voice as low as Carlos had made his.

"There's nothing I can do. You have no evidence."

"She has scars." James looked as if he was personally ready to battle the redhead one-on-one. He originally thought that it would be him and Kendall as a team, but the boy was being silent most of the morning and no one had been able to crack him yet, so James was more than happy to demonstrate enough fight for the both of them.

"Prove to me, beyond a reasonable doubt, that they aren't self-inflicted."

James ground his teeth and Sage crossed her arms, trying to cover the blemish that was, in fact, caused by her own hand.

"Everything about this case is circumstantial, which translates into a loss in court. Hell, this won't even make it to court if I speak to the district attorney in North Dakota. They'd never prosecute Elliot Henderson," the lawyer continued.

"He beat her repeatedly. There are hospital records…" Logan reminded her hopefully, but he sounded weak, like he knew it wasn't going to change anything; already thinking ahead to everything Ms. Harvey was going to say before she even said it now that he realized what they had walked into.

"All littered with excuses from the victim herself."

"What about the letter?" Carlos asked, resting his elbows on the table and rubbing at his temples.

"No return address. I can't solidly prove to a jury that he wrote it, and it's all doublespeak anyway. It's not a confession. It's a letter to someone he loves.._. _The law is very specific when it comes to deciding between guilt and innocence. There's not much wiggle room to work with. Those few pieces of paper would never hold up in court."

"Are you done? Do you want to be Elliot's lawyer?" Gustavo rolled his eyes in annoyance, shooting Sage a sorry glance before glaring back at Ms. Harvey.

"I'm not saying anything that you wouldn't hear from the defense if you were to go through with this. And it's only going to get ten times harder than an average rape case because you're accusing an officer of the law. You and the entire band would be hauled through the mud. It'd be a media frenzy with the amount of hype the five of you already get from the paparazzi. It also doesn't help that you've waited almost two years since your 'escape'."

She used air quotes and everyone in the room besides Sage, who looked embarrassed, and the lawyer's associate, who looked almost just as mortified, appeared ready to leap up before Ms. Harvey spoke on.

"The majority of those watching you are going to assume that you're stirring up trouble for publicity, all while trashing a man who saves lives for a living. They could debate your mental stability just as much as you want to debate his... Messing with a cop is one of the worst things you could do. It will make _**you**_ look like the bad guy," she paused, appearing to think before she chuckled humorously. "You'd be named Hollywood's biggest bitch of the decade."

"Watch it…" Gustavo advised threateningly, matching the lawyer's stare with one the boys only ever saw when the producer was honestly stressed; when he wasn't just being pushy and whiny but actually angry and meant business. Ms. Harvey titled her head slightly, backing down a fraction of an inch as Gustavo turned to Sage and the others. "We'll do whatever you want, Sage. Don't let her scare you." he spoke much softer, Kelly nodding beside him.

Sage smiled genuinely for the first time since Kendall and Carlos had come downstairs that morning. She had been so sure that Gustavo would be disappointed in her or at least upset about her inadvertently messing with his business, but he had come through for her and the guys right away; first with the lawyer and then with having Kelly set up extra security for absolutely everywhere they went. Whether BTR was touring or walking the streets of Los Angeles to get groceries, they and Sage would be looked after closely.

"So, according to you," she started slowly, looking up at the lawyer with frightened and glassy eyes, "there's n-nothing to do?" She was both deflated and hopeful, unsure which emotion should win out.

"Not unless you _**want**_ everyone to know that you were put in a nut house before…" Ms. Harvey snickered, all of the facts of the case seeming so straightforward in her point of view that anything but her opinion felt idiotic.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" James shouted, looking around the room as if she had to be joking due to her complete lack of compassion. Kendall cleared his throat then, having had his mouth open and ready to strike but looking grateful that James did it for him; it was probably nicer that way in comparison to what was brewing in him.

"I'm telling you what you need to be told," the lawyer insisted, more tired this time and thinking that she hadn't expected to receive this much opposition. "If I can get my hands on Sage's record, then her stepfather's people can too," she folded her hands together and leaned forward on the table to focus her gaze on Sage and Kendall, but she still addressed them all. "She was the one placed on a psychiatric hold after her mother's death, not Elliot. She was admitted to the hospital at age sixteen on heroin and she claimed that her dealer assaulted her, not Elliot. Mr. Knight also now claims to have been beaten by the man, but he lied to the authorities about it." She looked directly into Sage's eyes and then Kendall's. "You made your choices, and I'm trying to tell you that it's not so easy to take them back now…"

Kendall and Sage glanced at each other, connecting eyes for a long moment, and then they both stared at their laps as Ms. Harvey continued.

"All of this would turn into a battle of he-said-she-said, and Sage _**will**_ lose against Mr. Henderson when it comes down to evidence and known facts. Big Time Rush will lose."

"But he sent a signed check with that letter…" Carlos offered, still grasping aimlessly as he pointed to the envelope they brought.

"Do you have it?" the associate asked with interest, looking through the papers, but Carlos was immediately disheartened when he remembered they didn't.

"N-No…" Logan answered for him.

"I was angry… I ripped it up…" Sage's whisper was small, her eyes distant as she stared at the table top. She wasn't moving at all now, and the only reason Kendall wasn't shaking her was because he could see her breathing; the unintentional rise and fall of her chest was steady.

The lawyer looked relatively pleased, like they were helping prove her point.

"And what about when he kept her locked up?" Kendall wondered, growing angrier. "What will the _**courts**_," he inquired with venom, "say about that? Where are they gonna think she was for a fucking year?"

The entire table appeared startled at his tone, loud and bordering on murderous, but Ms. Harvey barely blinked, having seen more than her fair share of it in her years.

"It doesn't matter. She legally dropped out of school. She signed those papers, and, from the story you weaved for me, she told a…" she paused to stare down at a pad in front of her, "… Dustin Sanders that she was going away for help." She turned to Sage. "You made Mr. Henderson's alibi for him."

"He forced me…" Sage insisted with a mumble as her tears threatened to fall, causing Kendall to kiss the back of her hand soundly. His upper body was still but his legs bounced in agitation beneath the table.

"I'm sorry I can't prove it," Ms. Harvey sort of looked like she meant what she said. "And, according to you, when you escaped Mr. Henderson and your home, you said nothing to the authorities. You got on a bus and traveled hundreds of miles and stayed here. You made a life and career with no complaint."

Logan sighed loudly when the rest of the table went silent, Gustavo resting his forehead on his fisted hands and Kelly running her fingers through her dark hair. Carlos and James were glancing at Kendall and Sage, wanting to say so much but unable to find the words. Logan himself was aggravated but almost resigned. Growing up with a lawyer for a mother, even though she was corporate, he was surrounded and engrained with ideas of the legal system that should have told him it wouldn't be simple to go after Elliot, but he hadn't been willing to just roll over without a fair try.

"So what do you suggest we do?"

"Call me if something changes," Ms. Harvey shrugged in Logan's direction and her associate smiled at him apologetically.

"You mean wait until Elliot comes around to fuck with us some more and then give you a ring…" James gave her a snarky grin after snapping his attention to her, his depressed face morphing into a chilled countenance again.

"My hands are tied," she insisted.

"This is ridiculous," Kendall groaned loud enough to make Sage jump beside him.

"Kendall, there's nothing-" she tried talking but his stare stopped her cold.

"Don't you _**dare**_ say it too," he seethed, making her blink at him as he let go of her hand and spun his chair along with hers so they directly faced each other, keeping her in place with his palms bracketing her thighs on the seat. "We're gonna just wait around for him to ruin our lives again, is that it? Is that the plan? I'm supposed to just sit here and let him take you away from me again?" he wondered, breathing heavily and moving his hands to her forearms, rubbing the skin and paying extra attention to the pink scar on one of them. "You did nothing when you left him, and look how well that turned out…" he muttered darkly before huffing and sitting back to pinch the bridge of his nose. Sage clenched her eyes shut in disgrace.

She flinched when he groaned again and paired it with a solid push away from her, standing up from the table. She said nothing, no one did because they had no idea what could or should have been said. Kendall took a deep breath and looked down at Sage, who stared back sadly. He was much softer when he spoke again.

"Doing nothing about Elliot doesn't work. Waiting for things to get better doesn't work…" he whispered when his voice grew weak, cracking with emotion when he tried to get louder. His hands shook and his legs took him from the room, his lungs searching for air that wouldn't suffocate him.

"Sage, he didn't mean-" Carlos started but Sage shook her head vigorously and stood up.

"He's right," she insisted, her focus solely on Kendall as she followed his path before he got too far; leaving both of them visible just behind the glass doors of the conference room.

James, Carlos, and Logan watched without shame, wishing they could follow but feeling as if it wasn't their place.

"It doesn't matter what they say. Maybe we can't do anything _**legally**_," Gustavo said the last word like its taste resembled garbage, "but we have other ways of making sure you're all safe. Kelly, is security set up?" the producer asked his assistant, ignoring Ms. Harvey as she and her associate packed up the belongings they came with and remained silent now that their job was complete and Gustavo seemed to have no interest in even looking at them anymore.

"Absolutely. We have a company coming later in the evening to install an alarm system in 2J- top of the line- and we'll have actual guys with you at all times whenever you're outside the Palm Woods. It'll be just like when you're touring, only with even more caution," Kelly explained, making a few notes on her clipboard with a quick hand. She looked up at the boys, who were all staring in the other direction. "I know it might seem invasive, but it's for the best."

"We understand. Thanks, Kelly… Thanks, Gustavo…" James gave them a much nicer attitude than he had with the lawyer, taking a moment to look right at them with a smile along with Logan and Carlos, but then the trio put their attention back onto the couple outside of the room.

Kendall's anger had dissipated completely, morphing into frustration and depression as soon as Sage was in his arms and he was out of the conference room. He held her close, both of them speaking private words no one else could hear. Kendall was crying fully, finally, and Sage had her own tears slipping down her cheeks as she caressed his face, rubbing her thumb along his cheekbone before sliding her hand behind his neck and pulling him down to press her forehead onto his. After hours of confusion and resistance, the lovers were breaking; falling apart slowly but surely. The boys were more than prepared to piece them back together, but this wouldn't be the last time they'd crumble; not if Elliot was still around.

* * *

Elliot tried not to break, he honestly did. When he promised the girl he twistedly loved that he wouldn't come back into her life, he meant it. He put in an effort that he never had before since he met Sage years ago, showing resilience he didn't even know he possessed. It wasn't good enough, though; he wasn't strong enough. If he was, he wouldn't have gone to Los Angeles.

He hadn't intended to wind up there. He put thoughts of chasing after Sage out of his mind once he had dislocated his wrist while getting free of the cuffs she forced him into- having stretched his limits far enough to dig a nail out of the floorboard to pick the lock- and he remained depressed and on medical leave for a couple of weeks due to his "accident". He didn't move from the home he and Sage shared unless he absolutely had to or if Scott checked up on him. It wasn't long after that when he decided to seek a fresh start, a new beginning that his victim had oddly given him the opportunity for. That undeserved grace made him love her even more, which was counterproductive and unhealthy but still true nonetheless, but it also made it harder to be close to her, so he intentionally went to the other side of the country to live his new life.

He was fine, downright normal in almost all aspects of his daily activities besides the times he'd think about his stepdaughter at night, but then fate dealt him a second hand after he had already pushed himself away from the game table. He never was one to deny a game. He didn't have the willpower, he never would.

Elliot wasn't supposed to have been at the BTR concert, something he was both bitter and thrilled about in his now even-more-warped mind. He had offered to take the job without knowing the details until he got there after someone called out for the day. He was merely trying to help at the station, diving heavily into his work when he had nothing left that made him feel anything positive. He was just going to do his job, assisting in keeping the talent secure and the crowd localized, but then he saw who the talent was and the gears in his head- old ones that he had left unmoved for over a year- began turning slowly but surely. It only took him a few seconds of deliberation before he started to test his new limits, removing his identification from his uniform and casually approaching Carlos to strike up a conversation, which he didn't even have a goal for when he started it.

He had no goals, just a word: "Sage".

It was all about her again. Everything he did centered on her like she was a beacon guiding him to shore even though she didn't want to be seen and he knew it. As soon as his eyes caught her in the flesh, not just from a coveted tabloid or an article online, changes began initiating inside of him as if old holes he had filled were loosening and caving in. He felt like an idiot because of it, feelings mutating into shame and guilt. However, instead of those feelings driving him to retreat and stay put in his new home, he drove forward with an anger that was always difficult for him to explain due to its irrationality. As far as he could figure, it came from his extreme desperation for Sage, the girl he had unrealistically burdened with the task of improving his dark and unfixable world. He couldn't let her go again, not after she was so close, breathing the same air, and he was terrible at resisting temptation.

He did attempt to, though, after thinking of what could happen if he shoved his way back into Sage's life; about how much it would upset her. But, as usual, the bad outweighed the good inside of him. Now, four months after he saw her in Vermont, he was walking the streets of Hollywood with a plan to see her face to face instead of just from a safe distance.

"So what should I _**do**_?"

Elliot closed his eyes to calm himself and pressed his disposable cell phone harder against his ear, holding it in place with his shoulder as he ducked into an alley and dug through his pockets for his wallet.

"I told you already: Do whatever the fuck you want. Order room service, gamble with the money I left you. I don't really care, Lily," he insisted to his girlfriend, a woman only a bit older than Sage but nowhere near the real thing.

He had only acquired her a bit after the New Year once a plan started formulating loosely in his head. He wanted to get to L.A., but he wasn't prepared to disappear from his post in Vermont; it would be too suspicious. So, he had gotten his new and dim blonde girlfriend to start building his alibi. She was eager to please him, finding him attractive for his looks, his job, his admittedly large bank account, and because of her impressionable young age.

"But I'm lonely…" she complained, causing Elliot to bite back a groan of annoyance. She was useful, sure, but she frustrated him to no end when she required him to give her some sort of emotional response beyond indifference. "We're supposed to be on a vacation together. Vegas isn't fun when you're alone, El."

Elliot found his wallet, filled with nothing but cash, and smirked in success as he double-checked the amount in the low lighting of the alley. The only brightness came from a small bulb above the side entrance used by the employees of the club he was hovering beside. He almost forgot Lily was expecting him to say something, almost forgot she even existed at all, until she shuffled the phone around to switch to her other ear.

"I'm helping an old friend I owe and saving lives here. You know that. Don't you care about innocent people, Lily?" he wondered with mock offense to play her in a calculated way he knew well. She was dumb but not heartless; not like him.

"Of course!" she maintained in distress with her pitchy voice that grated Elliot's last nerve as he inched further down the alley, his eyes darting all over his surroundings and mentally doing a quick and practiced surveillance of the space for what was to come later. "Sorry… I love you…" she added desperately.

"Did, uh-" Elliot huffed at his own inability to stay composed. He refused to say he loved her back. He was great at acting when he needed to be, fooling the whole town of Ramsey and quickly securing a similar status in Vermont among his colleagues and neighbors. He could say anything a conversation required of him to look like a normal person, but declaring love for someone other than Sage, even if it was a hoax, made his stomach churn. "Has anyone asked where I am?" he redirected the conversation once he got his sturdiness back.

"Nope- Well, just the guy who carried our bags up to our room. He asked me where my husband was when I went down to the casino," Lily giggled and Elliot rolled his eyes. The dimwit probably thought he was going to really marry her someday. It wasn't like he ever made her believe otherwise.

"And you told him what?" he inquired with a dangerous edge that he tried not to let control him. If someone like Lily messed things up for him, he really didn't think he'd hesitate to kill her.

"I told him you were sleeping… That's good, right? I have to make people think you're still here?" Her eagerness to appease him was what made her so easy to mold and use. When he had fed her some story about going under cover and helping an old friend with a drug bust in California only hours after she and he touched down in Nevada for their "vacation", Lily ate it up and she never argued when he told her to keep up appearances. He left her a good amount of money before leaving to get a rental car and make the drive to L.A.

"Yup, you're doing a really good job, babe. You're- " Elliot sounded sweet, ready to emotionally reward her with a bit of affection, just enough to keep her on his imaginary leash with no qualms, but then he got distracted when he spotted the kid he was waiting for come out the side door. The dishwasher from the kitchen of the club was walking towards him with a trash bag for the dumpster that was halfway between the door and the only exit of the alley. "I gotta go," Elliot spoke quickly into the phone while ripping all of the cash out of his wallet.

"Okay, but I miss yo-"

Elliot disconnected the call without blinking, flipping the phone shut and pocketing it along with the bare wallet as he stalked towards the lanky teenager near the dumpster.

"You're late," he told the kid, glaring at the shaggy-haired brunette, who was wiping his hands on his apron.

"I was working," he argued hesitantly, shrinking under the taller man's gaze.

"Well, excuse me. I didn't know your eight-fifty an hour was better than this," Elliot countered dryly, holding out a wad of bills that easily trumped a month's worth of the boy's wages.

"It's not… Sorry…" The dishwasher snatched up the cash, shooting Elliot an apologetic look.

The officer turned villain loved how he could get everyone to apologize to him for things they shouldn't have genuinely been remorseful for. It was almost like they knew that they were helping a bad guy and they had to be sorry for some part of it, but they didn't really know the truth. They never would. It was just something about Elliot's personality; his presence made everyone else feel tinier. It was almost funny to him how he could make people who were much better human beings than he was believe that he had the qualities of some higher individual when he was, in fact, lower than the majority.

"Lead the way," Elliot gestured to the door and began walking, holding back a roll of his eyes when he saw the kid holding the cash low near his waist and attempting to count it all. People weren't as trusting in Los Angeles as they were in North Dakota or Vermont. It was a place full of fake individuals and some with motivations just as dark as his own. Money talked in a world like that, though, and Elliot had more than enough of it; plenty to bribe some kid working behind the scenes at a Hollywood party.

According to his research, tonight had been the premiere of Camille Wyatt's big movie. Being very close friends of hers, all of BTR went to the event, cameras and security everywhere as Elliot watched from down the block with the other onlookers as the celebrities walked along the front of the theater, stopping for photos and occasional interviews. He had witnessed Kendall hold Sage against his body the entire time, but he tried not to focus on his competition too much. Kendall didn't matter to him in that moment, only Sage; always Sage. She looked beautiful, mature and grown and happy, and Elliot was too delusional to realize that his presence would be the sole reason for that happiness' destruction.

He set his plan into motion after that, listening to and making small talk with enough of the limo drivers to know where the private after party was going to be held. He went to the club directly, scouting it and immediately spotting an easy target in the dishwasher trying to put himself through acting classes and waiting for a break. Everyone had a weakness, and money and greed were usually it. The kid had tried to deny him entry when he asked to be let in later that night after the party started, but then he caved like a house of cards built on a windy day once Elliot gave him the right price; agreeing to his request as long as he brought the cash. Elliot complied without hesitation or enthusiasm, not caring to deal with much of anyone. He just wanted to hear a "yes" so he could leave and make a few preparations involving Lily and his personal protection.

And now he was in the shadows at the back of the club, the dishwasher making sure the coast was clear until they got to the area where the bathrooms were located and Elliot would blend in with the rest of the people, wearing a black dress shirt and tie in the somewhat formal but crazed atmosphere. With a nod of his head, the boy pocketed his money and disappeared into the kitchen to leave Elliot, who he probably assumed just wanted to be a part of the festivities, but he was actually scanning the entire room for five very specific individuals. The mass of people were rambunctious and loud, squeals and laughter mixing in with the blaring music as the alcohol never stopped flowing and the sequins never stopped shimmering under the colored lights flickering above their pretty heads.

Elliot relaxed against the doorway to the back hallway, just on the edge of the chaos, and folded his arms casually as he watched it all with a smirk. The crowd was dense, but he eventually spotted Kendall and Logan lounging on a wall full of cushioned seating and low tables, exchanging words and smiles comfortably with each other. He couldn't hear, but it was enough for him to merely see; to get to know how they worked as he waited for the right moment to strike.

"Are you ever gonna stop looking at her? If I was a stranger, I think I'd be offended that I couldn't hold your attention…" Logan mused, smirking sideways and leaning down to the table in front of him to grab a newly poured drink, something red- he hadn't even asked what was in it- that went with the vampire theme to celebrate Camille's movie.

"Please, you were too busy hitting on the cute brunette server to even know I was alive," Kendall argued with his own smirk as he drank from his beer, only taking his eyes off of Sage, who sat across the large room with James at the bar, to glance at Logan for a second.

"That's- I- Shut up… She was flirting with me first," Logan pouted, flustered, and then punched his friend on the shoulder when the boy laughed.

"I saw, but you practically dove right in the second she giggled at you. I'm surprised you didn't offer to take her home right then and there… You kinda put James to shame when it comes to girls and you don't even know it," Kendall laughed harder when he finally looked at Logan fully to see him blushing and widening his eyes, embarrassedly sinking low in his seat as if he was being watched.

"I don't mean to! Am I really 'old-James' kinda bad? Why do you have to make such a cruel comparison?" Logan complained, whiny and slouching as his eyes went to the young server moving with a tray amongst the crowd. He honestly wasn't really trying to do anything with her. He just thought she was pretty and she laughed when he made a joke, but now he was sure that he came off as some celebrity scumbag.

"Chill out." Kendall waved his beer bottle lazily in his direction, eyes creeping just as slowly off of him and back onto Sage. "I'm teasing you… but you do sorta have game. I think it's the nerd-esque vibe you give off while still managing to be a catch- girls love a complete package. You should ask her out. She'd probably say 'yes' in a heartbeat, but you might wanna get her name first…" he rambled distractedly, still staring across the room.

"You think? I guess she did seem like she might- Whoa, wait a second… You're a fucker, you know that? You're totally trying to get me off of my original subject." Logan sat up straighter and put his drink down on the table, glancing at Sage and then back at Kendall. He repeated the motion twice before wiggling his hand in front of his brother's face to break the trance.

"It only took you about two minutes to figure it out that time. I need new material," Kendall sighed and propped his ankle on his opposite knee as he spoke to Logan, dropping his head to the side to see him clearly.

Logan always seemed to pester him about Sage and his relationship more than any of the others lately, but it was probably because he knew more than anyone else did…

The support and concern were nice. Kendall just got tired of it, though. He was stressed constantly because of the whole Elliot-possibly-destroying-their-lives thing, even though he tried not to show it, and it only got worse when Logan could see that stress all over him like the answer to an elementary math problem. Logan was the only one that could know what was going on in his mind most of the time; it made it difficult to hide, which was his favorite thing to do lately.

In the months since Elliot approached Carlos, and they had heard nothing of the man since, Kendall was on edge. Even though he wasn't alone in his anxiety- Sage had enough to fill an entire therapy group by herself and James, Carlos, and Logan rarely left their sides or went anywhere beyond the Palm Woods property- he felt like he had to be. He didn't want to add onto it all by admitting how terrified he was, figuring that one breakdown at Rocque Records was more than sufficient enough to let the family know he was far from okay, but he clung more than ever now; he never let Sage out of his sight and she never argued for him to do anything differently.

Logan stared at Kendall and he stared back, waiting for one of them to speak to see what the tone would be like; sometimes it was joking and other times it was serious and weighty. Kendall was hoping for jest. They were at a party, after all.

"Anyway… I'm proud of you for being more than a yard away from Sage," Logan grinned, but it was tight and his eyes remained filled with reprimand and concern. The conversation was obviously going to be a mix of jokes and serious. Kendall could work with that.

"For your information, our new minimum is ten feet. We have to use the bathroom sometime," Kendall crossed his arms after sipping on his beer.

"And shower," Logan agreed, tilting his head to the side and grinning more genuinely as he relaxed into his seat.

"Nah, I can't really use showering as an excuse; we rarely did that alone before."

"Thank you for the visual, Kendall," Logan sighed and rolled his eyes.

Kendall just gave him a thumbs up and put his beer bottle down on the table before sinking back into his seat along Logan's side, leaning against him like he could fall asleep if they were anywhere but a Hollywood club. He was wishing that they were all just home and on the couch together; the five of them watching a movie or napping in the safety of 2J. The door was always locked now and the new security system was constantly armed. They would have never missed Camille's big premiere, though. She was their best friend and confidant, the only one around besides Kelly and Gustavo who knew they had the stress of Elliot hanging over their heads again. She had insisted that they didn't need to go to the premiere, but every member of the BTR family went anyway; keeping their security guards close when they were traveling or walking the streets and then letting the faithful men go for a few hours after they were in the secure walls of the private club.

Sage and Kendall had kept contact with each other the whole time, a hand-hold here and an arm around the waist there. He finally- but reluctantly- let her go after they had been at the after party for a while. He figured she'd be fine as long as she was with one of the other guys, and she looked like she was having a good time with James; smiling and chatting as if they were home. Occasionally, Kendall thought Sage was dealing with the possibility of Elliot's return better than all of them. She was scared, that much was painfully obvious due to her jittery attitude when someone would come up behind her and how she wouldn't talk much when they were outside their home, but she rarely broke down. She wouldn't let herself do it, using Logan's coping techniques that he taught her long ago to keep her steady when she felt like collapsing. Kendall was both envious and proud of that ability, but it worried him too; worried that Sage was lying emotionally so she wouldn't cause any more concern. It was true that things went smoother when she was happy or at least content, but the boys were always watching her anyway to gauge her reactions; as if one slip could make her crack.

"You know…" Logan began with a more serious tone, making Kendall huff as he watched Sage and James but listened to his brother beside him. "It's been four months now…"

"Logan, I know how long it's been. There's this awesome thing called a calendar. It's got all these numbers and days of the week on it; real helpful." Kendall tore his focus away from their family members across the room to smirk at Logan, who didn't seem amused at all.

"Smartass," he mumbled before straightening his posture and jerking his chin in Sage's direction. "It's been a _**long **_time, is what I'm saying, so why haven't you asked her to-"

"I don't wanna talk about it," Kendall's voice rose and his stare hardened, humor gone, but Logan didn't flinch. He only gave him a look of disapproval.

"Why not? What changed? You were all gung-ho about it when we were in New York. You were really-"

"A _**lot**_ changed… and who says 'gung-ho' anymore?" Kendall attempted to shift the subject away from himself and Sage as he leaned forward to hold his beer again. Logan didn't take the bait like he had earlier.

"What are you waiting for, Kendall?"

The boy thoughtfully rubbed at the condensation covering the bottle in his hands, biting his lip when he looked at Logan.

"The perfect moment."

"It doesn't exist," Logan smiled sadly and shook his head.

"That's some great optimism you got there, buddy," Kendall snorted.

"I'm just being honest!" Logan insisted loudly, glaring at anyone who chose to turn and stare at them while he was trying to talk to Kendall. "If you keep striving to be perfect, it's gonna hurt you both. It's not logical…"

"Can't I have something to look forward to?" Kendall groaned at his friend's reasoning.

"Not if it's literally impossible. You're gonna be miserable because you're not _**ever**_ going to get it," Logan maintained quietly, voice just audible above the music coming through the several speakers littering the club. "You're letting Elliot get to you too easily. You're letting him win now that he's back."

"He's not back. He's in Vermont," Kendall spat, but Logan could tell that it was more of a spoken prayer rather than a solid fact.

"You and I both know that it doesn't make a difference whether he's here or there. He _**exists**_, and that's enough to make you crazy… We don't want you to be sad when you don't have to be," Logan frowned and played with his tie while Kendall nodded, not saying anything for a few moments; leaving them both to listen to the pounding melodies and laughter all around them.

"Things were easier when we thought he was gone…" Kendall clenched his teeth together and blinked down at his lap before raising his head to look at his friend. "I really started to believe he was gone, Logie. I started thinking that we were normal; that we could be-" he stopped when he felt a loss for words, smiling depressingly and shrugging while spinning the bottle in his hands. He put the alcohol back on the table without drinking any more of it.

Logan watched Kendall as he focused on Sage again. She was still sitting with James at the bar and facing the crowd behind them as they looked towards where Carlos was talking to a group of girls at the edge of the dance floor. He wasn't sure if he was doing it on purpose, but Logan noticed Kendall place his arms in his lap and rub his thumb continuously over the tattoo on his left forearm.

"I'm sorry, man…" Logan whispered and wrapped an arm around Kendall's shoulders, jostling him against him in a sideways hug and ruffling his hair just to see him grin again. Logan's heart stung a little at the now rare display, but he didn't let the pang of anguish show. "I wish I could help more. I wish I could make it perfect," he added after they settled down.

"But you can't," Kendall admitted, sad but understanding what Logan was saying; he couldn't spend all of his energy chasing a dream that wouldn't be fulfilled. "We can get pretty close to perfect, though… can't we?" he looked at his best friend with desperation, like a little boy.

"Yeah," Logan nodded slowly, grinning as he scanned their entertaining surroundings. Life was good for them, and they deserved to enjoy it; to keep it and strive to make it the best they could no matter who tried to stop them. "I think we could get damn fucking close," he added with confidence, bending down to pick up his glass and sip on the red liquid.

Kendall smiled gratefully and then glanced back over at Sage to see her looking his way. She was nodding at whatever James was saying, but her eyes were glowing for Kendall as her hand slid up to allow her fingers to wrap around the pendant hanging from her neck. He sunk into his cushioned seat and smoothed his thumb over his tattoo again, this time with more reverence rather than anxiety.

"That's what we'll aim for then: pretty close," he declared, waving at his girlfriend with a lazy wiggle of his fingers. He meant to do it with more vigor, but he was fighting his muscles' need to run to her already, knowing that it was irrational to want to be attached every second. Sage was fine, and she would always be fine now that she was with him and the others; that's what he kept telling himself.

"If you don't stop with the googly eyes and angst faces at your boyfriend, I'm gonna vomit- from cuteness or nerves, I don't know which," James rolled his eyes and nudged Sage with his elbow.

"Okay," she answered distractedly, not listening after Kendall waved at her. She waved back with the hand that wasn't gripping her necklace, and then the two lovers looked away from each other, but Sage still hadn't seemed to come back to the present. James pressed his lips together in a thin line and then smirked, raising an eyebrow.

"I think I'm gonna sleep with that girl over there. She looks easy," he said boldly, gesturing in a direction that he wasn't even sure an attractive girl was standing and leaning his lower back against the bar.

"That's ni- James! What are you talking about? What about Camille?" Sage finally turned to him, alarmed at his sudden shift in behavior after months and months of an attitude dedicated to change.

"Nice of you to finally snap out of it," he smirked and she huffed. "I thought I was gonna have to actually shake you that time."

"I don't space out that much…" Sage argued, blushing slightly and chewing at her bottom lip.

"You do when Kendall's not close enough… You gotta relax, it's a party! Here, drink this," James rubbed her shoulder, fingers gliding over the space where the black fabric of her dress met her pale skin, and then he reached behind her to get their forgotten drinks. Sage stared at him skeptically.

"What is it?"

"I don't know," he admitted, shrugging wildly and sniffing the liquid. "The bartender said it was free, though. He probably thinks you're hot." He laughed when Sage's eyes widened and she scooted to the edge of her stool to be closer to James as she peeked behind them to see if the bartender was near. "Relax. He said he was a fan of the band; he gave me one too. I'm just messing with you… Usually you know that… You really _**do **_need to calm down," James spoke with more sincerity and held the drink in front of his sister again.

"Good call, James. Get the unstable girl drunk. That'll end well," Sage quipped, taking the glass from him and putting it back on the bar. She smirked when he quirked a shoulder, though; both knowing he really didn't intend to get her intoxicated in the first place.

"Are you, though?" James wondered, eyes darting to hers and then to his hands in his lap.

"Am I what?"

"The 'unstable girl'?" he stared right at her. "How have you been doing?"

"You see me almost every hour of every day; you know how I'm doing," Sage chuckled lightly and reached out to squeeze his hand, her heart warming at his concern.

"Not really… I mean, we don't talk about Elliot that much. Not since we met with the lawyer and things settled down again," James flinched when Sage did at Elliot's name, silently regretting using it but knowing it was stupid to train himself not to because "Elliot", whether they liked it or not, was always going to be a part of their vocabulary.

"Everything's the same, I guess… I'm scared, but I don't really know what to do about it other than try to be okay... and I'm always grateful that I have all of you…" She left out the part where she also felt guilty about having them. It put them in danger when they took care of her.

She didn't want to trade it for anything, though, and denying their aid almost felt like giving up because she knew for a fact that she'd deteriorate drastically if she didn't have support. It would have made everything that she and they ever did worth nothing, so she tried to spend her days thanking who ever would listen that she wasn't alone. She even had the newly strengthened partnership of Kelly and Gustavo to look forward to. Kelly was careful with her, understandably treating Sage like she would break with the slightest touch after she learned about her past, but that caution faded into friendly concern until they were back to normal; working and stressing under Gustavo's lead. The producer himself probably handled everything the best, getting extremely angry and protective but calming down and practically ignoring the truth when everything that could be done was done. He didn't necessarily treat Sage any differently, except for a few times when she was expected at the studio and the man would sweetly be waiting outside for her even though there was no reason for him to be, and Sage didn't believe his lame excuses of coffee or food runs because she knew that was Kelly's job. They just kept moving forward and he still worked with her and mentored her closely and efficiently as they continued to piece together the second album.

The only different thing with the secretly-emotional Gustavo was the allowances he made for them. Even on quick weekend trips, he made plans, without anyone asking, for Sage to go on the road with the band rather than keeping her home alone. And he sent them all to Minnesota at Christmas time on his private jet with no disgruntlements, only numerous security guards that stayed in Sherwood with them as they visited family for the holidays. The several men were good at blending in, but they stood out drastically in the small homey town. It got the beloved boys, plus Sage, extra attention on the streets; so much so that they spent most of their days inside the Knight's home, where they could all be together, with Katie, Karen, and David.

The hardest part for Sage and Kendall was going to Katie and Karen, the two members of their initially formed family years ago, and telling them that they could be in danger; that they couldn't just live their lives with nonchalance and that they needed to be careful because of Elliot despite the fact that they weren't a part of the daily California world that BTR was. Sage didn't think Elliot would go near them, simply due to the fact that they weren't around her all the time and therefore they couldn't be easily used, but the possibility was there; anything could happen. Karen was so good about it all, being motherly and warm like she was born to be, and Katie didn't even complain when David and her mother both agreed that she wouldn't be allowed out by herself anymore despite her being at the age of budding independence. David was also the one to jump in and offer to let Sage and Kendall's personal security sleep in the living room during their week-long visit, instead of a hotel, just because it seemed to make the couple breathe easier.

Overall, after breaking the news and learning how to cope with it, life remained the same; just more caution-filled. The boys used their increasing wealth to pay for a state of the art security system to be installed in all of their families' homes and then they had to leave to go back to their own at the Palm Woods, where they often stayed rather than getting out unless it was to work. Phone calls were frequent too, the five of them talking to at least one person in Minnesota, and Logan's father in North Carolina, nearly every day just to check in. Like Ms. Harvey had said, they waited; there was nothing else to do.

"No offense, but I sort of expected you to be more… broken…" James frowned and slouched forward in his seat.

Sage wished that she could explain why she was relatively okay, perhaps even a bit numb after the initial panic and internal anxiety, but she didn't know how to put it into words for James, Carlos, and Logan. Only Kendall saw how she was when she wasn't trying.

"The nightmares are back…" she offered, biting the inside of her cheek and wringing her hands in her lap after tugging self-consciously at the hemline of her dress to be sure it covered the faded pink scar on her thigh. It was one of the spots Elliot always reopened her in her horrific dreams, which had thankfully stopped long ago but were now back with an unpredictable vengeance.

"Oh… I already knew that…" James smiled sheepishly when Sage looked at him with her mouth open. "I can't really sleep if you don't sleep…" he added, just as embarrassedly.

"How do you know if I do or don't sleep?" Sage grinned, the tension leaving her.

"I can just tell. I feel bad…" he pouted and shrugged. James could remember when Sage first arrived at 2J. He remembered the way she would cry out and how he would secretly stay up right along with her and Kendall. He would even walk by their room several times a night just to see if they were okay. Now, almost two years later, he was doing it all over again.

"We're too close," she giggled, shaking her head and reaching for the drink she had put down on the bar, tasting it slowly.

"We're like, the best siblings ever; like twins!" James insisted, waving his hands between them and widening his eyes and smiling. Sage raised her eyebrow, amused but affectionate. "Oh, god…" James began more seriously, but it was a type of seriousness that was more dramatic than average. "When you and Kendall have kids, I'm gonna be fucked. What if I get that sympathy pregnancy thing we saw on TLC last week?" he yelped, taking the drink from Sage's hand and sipping down a bit of it.

"We've gotta stop watching so much television…" Sage sighed to herself. "And I don't think that's how it works, James."

"If I get fat, I might have to hurt you," he warned, ignoring her statement.

"You can't attack a pregnant woman," she countered with a smirk, deciding to play along like she did best with James.

"I'll take it out on Kendall, then," he argued. His chin tilted towards the high ceiling and his chest puffed in triumph.

"I'm sure he'll appreciate that," Sage answered dryly and reached out to sip on their shared drink again.

Her emerald eyes traveled around the space when James fell quiet, watching the people dancing and laughing like it was their best night of their lives, and, for many of them, it was. Camille's vampire-romance movie, "Hollywood Night", went over amazingly with its audience and critics. The genre wasn't for everyone, but it was expected to be a highly profitable piece, paired with millions in merchandise sales to the younger frenzied fans of the original book series. The young actress' career was really going to take off, as was her co-stars'. It was a night of celebration.

"Are the nightmares really, _**really **_bad?" James asked intensely, looking right at Sage and reminding them both that finding reasons to celebrate their own nights was next to impossible lately.

"They could be worse," she responded softly, attempting to smile but failing.

"They suck, don't they?" James gathered the truth from her posture. "You and Kendall always look tired."

"You're a real confidence booster tonight," she laughed, knowing he meant no harm, but then she sobered; answering him more honestly. "The nightmares are terrible, they always are... It's like being back there…" she admitted, tracing her fingertips over the top of the glass she held. "Kendall wants us to try sleeping on the floor again, just to see if I can get through the night, but… I don't know… It feels like I'm giving up. I mean, it's just a dream, right? E-Elliot's not g-gonna have me again…" She clenched her jaw and handed James their drink when he held out his hand, dropping her limbs to rub her palms on her bare thighs.

"He won't, Sage. He's far away from here," James took her hand and squeezed a smile out of her.

"Guys!" Carlos leapt in front of them, bouncing on his heels even after he had stabilized himself using James' shoulder and Sage's forearm. "A ridiculously pretty girl just gave me her number. She even wrote down _**all **_of the digits," he announced proudly, waving a napkin in front of him like a trophy.

"Impressive! You're getting better, buddy," James congratulated him, punching him lightly on the arm. He and Sage had watched the boy with a group of good-looking girls a few minutes earlier, but he honestly hadn't thought he'd get anywhere with them. Sage was smiling happily too, but then it faltered as she studied the group Carlos had left. The females were gathered close together, swaying on too-high heels and giggling amongst themselves.

"Wait... was she a model?"

"Um, maybe?" Carlos answered hesitantly, already seeming to know where Sage was headed.

"Was she… not nice?" James caught on and inquired further.

"Maybe…" Carlos whined, frowning heavily. Now that he thought about it, and the buzz of the initial flirting had faded, he realized that the girl he met reminded him a lot of Arielle; and he wasn't sure he was ready for another partner like her.

"This is for your own good," Sage asserted, making a grab for the napkin with the numbers on it only to have Carlos yank it away.

"She was hot!" he protested squeakily and stared at James for assistance. If this conversation had been happening a year earlier, the boy would have been the first to tell him to go for it regardless of the model's attitude.

"Give it to her," James ordered and pointed at the cloth and then to Sage.

Carlos grumbled but wound up handing it over willingly.

"Buzz kills. Just because you two have solid relationships doesn't mean you can keep killing all of my potentials," he complained, choosing to be childish even though he knew they were right in stopping him before he made a mistake.

"We just don't want you with a copy of Arielle. She was brutal. You're looking for a girlfriend Car, so you gotta find someone that'll make you happy, and I'm not sure that this is the right place for someone like you to be getting numbers…" Sage gave a skeptical glance around the club. It wasn't as crowded as it could have been, plenty of room to move around the edges because of the elite guest list but still full enough to give it a busy atmosphere; one that was made up of mostly Hollywood hotshots that had been living the lifestyle, or trying to live it, for years. Carlos couldn't keep up with replicas of Arielle, it wasn't the type of girl he needed by his side. She needed to be more mellow, good-humored and relaxed like him. "Maybe we could try an amusement park," Sage suggested, thinking there would be more normal types for Carlos to meet there. He brightened at the idea, rocking forward and then back on his shoes and not protesting when Sage balled up the napkin.

"Can we go tomorrow? I'll need wingmen- or women- 'cause apparently I can't spot the bad ones," Carlos shrugged with his hands in the air and jerked his thumb in the direction of the girl he had solicited; she was now giggling flirtatiously at the DJ.

"As long as security is okay with it, we can all go; make a day out it. Sounds like fun. Right, James?" Sage turned to the quiet third of their group.

"Yeah, yeah; Ferris wheels and roller coasters," James waved his hand dismissively and then crossed his arms. "I'm still stuck on this guy calling my relationship with Camille _**solid**_. He's more insane than we thought," he scoffed at Carlos, who shook his head with a grin.

"You and Cam don't call each other boyfriend and girlfriend, but that doesn't mean you aren't together," he claimed with conviction. James and Camille were the same as they were months ago, close and bonding but just a tad more delusional about whether or not they should "date".

"Yes, it does!" James argued vehemently, louder than he meant to and getting attention from bystanders. He was used to it, though- the four rambunctious members of BTR often drew eyes- and he took a deep breath and lowered his voice. "We aren't a couple; we don't kiss or anything," he sputtered and ducked low after spotting Camille close by, dancing with a few of her cast-mates.

"No one is stopping you, though. The two of you are totally free to do whatever you want, but neither of you have chosen to go out with anyone else…" Sage took Carlos' side in the matter, both of them not pushing too hard for James to ask Camille out anymore- his continuously frustrating refusal got old- but they didn't fear pointing out the obvious again and again to him.

"Exactly," Carlos agreed merrily, bumping his fist against Sage's.

"You know, I liked this conversation a lot more when it wasn't about me," James murmured and then he sat forward. "Carlos, why don't you go give…" he snatched the crumpled napkin out of Sage's hand and smoothed it to see the name and number scrawled down, "… Melissa a second shot and stop bothering me so-"

Sage stopped him, ripping the napkin away and back into her own hand. She rolled it into an even tighter ball and then put it on the bar behind them. Carlos looked humored.

"He only gets this pissy when I hit a soft spot…" he informed Sage in a sweet voice, raising his arm to make a move to squeeze James' cheek only to get swatted away. James almost smiled fully before he remembered to glare.

"Stop it," he ordered Carlos, pointing a strict finger in his direction until the brunette held still with his hands up. James appeared satisfied, but then Sage came from the side and gently poked his cheek with a glossy nail. He smirked darkly and hopped out of his seat, grabbing her waist and chuckling along with Carlos. "I hate you both," James maintained. "Now you have to dance with me. No arguing!" he pulled Sage toward the edge of the dance floor closest to them, planning on keeping her near the crowd and not suffocating in the middle of it, as one of BTR's songs began to blast through the speakers. She was dragging her feet, heels scratching the floor, but not as much as she could have been. "Next one's yours, Carlitos! Prepare to be dazzled!" James shouted and shook his fingers in front of his face, grinning when his best friend rolled his eyes.

"Sure, thanks for making my dreams come true!" Carlos yelled above the opening notes of the song and waved him off.

He spun around after James and Sage were out of earshot and picked up the drink they left on the counter. He analyzed the blue liquid before shrugging and sipping on it. His face scrunched at the warm, sweet taste as he began walking forward, and then he put the glass down on a tray of a server strolling by. Looking through the crowd, he spotted where Logan and Kendall were sitting across the room with a few unopened beers in front of them, deciding he'd like that better than an unnamed alcohol. He moved towards them between the mass of bodies, staying close to the wall, but he was suddenly yanked sideways as he passed the entryway to the bathrooms and the kitchen.

Carlos immediately thought it was James messing with him.

"James, I don't think I'm gonna get girls by dancing with a g-guy…" he trailed off, eyes widening after adjusting to the shadows of the hallway. "Elliot…"

The word tasted like sand in his mouth, all wrong and unpalatable, and the image in front of him wasn't helping the discomfort. Elliot, who was considerably taller, had his hands on both of Carlos' shoulders, holding him still against the wall so he couldn't get anywhere even when he shoved his whole weight forward. The man smiled down at him, dark and almost friendly, making Carlos' stomach churn, and he finally spoke after he was sure that Carlos was paying attention.

"I'm assuming you know who I am now…" he chuckled like it was a game or as if he was busted pulling a prank; like he didn't understand how much Carlos' world was being spun off its axis. In that moment, he was almost glad that Elliot was holding him in place because he was sure he'd be stumbling to stand on his own two feet otherwise. "It's nice to see you again."

"You're not supposed to be here," Carlos hissed bravely, hardening after getting over the automatic shock despite the fact that he continued to struggle but got absolutely nowhere farther than shuffling his feet.

"Hello to you too," Elliot grinned and tilted his head as if the boy was the crazy one for not being polite.

Carlos ignored him, vision darting behind the officer's shoulder and then to the left and right to look for help. Not much was visible beyond the closed doors around them, but he could just spot the back of James' body past the open archway to the main area of the club.

"Nope," Elliot jostled him, pulling his body forward then pushing it back to see him wince. "James can't help you; don't do anything stupid." He kept one hand firmly at Carlos' collarbone and used the other to raise the bottom of his own dress-shirt.

The trapped teen stiffened at the sight of a handgun tucked into the waistline of Elliot's jeans, but he didn't recoil; he stood his ground and glared back up at the sinister cop, waiting for more while praying for a way out.

"I want to talk to Sage," Elliot announced confidently, voice never rising or falling but staying completely steady. It was Carlos' turn to laugh.

"Fuck, no." He shook his head wildly, wishing he could cross his pinned arms just to strengthen his stance. It didn't matter that this man was the devil, that he had killed a woman and wound up torturing her daughter. He wasn't going to let Elliot intimidate him into allowing him to see his sister.

"I wasn't asking," Elliot snapped. The change wasn't obvious to the casual observer, but Carlos could hear it in the harsher tone of his voice just at the end of his sentence and feel it in the way his fingers dug into his shoulders enough to make the skin ache and burn beneath his jacket. His wrath was subtle but somehow epically stronger than a man foaming openly at the mouth, but Carlos wasn't prepared to back down.

"You're not seeing her unless you kill me first, you sick fuck."

Elliot rolled his eyes and then shut them tightly. Sage was _**right**_ there, literally yards away, and he couldn't do anything until they were alone. Being so close yet so far was torture. His heart thumped in his chest and his breathing grew labored with anxiety and discontentment.

"Listen," Elliot barked, making Carlos flinch before the man smirked again and spoke lower, "stop being dramatic and giving ultimatums; that's my job." He smiled widely when Carlos' eyes ceased being hard and instead flickered a bit with his favorite emotions, fear and curiosity; they always got him everything he wanted. "Go get Sage and bring her outside, or I'm going to show you what drama really looks like when I open fire in here. I should probably start with Miss Wyatt, don't you think? She _**is**_ tonight's star…" he informed him with extreme control, so smooth that every blink seemed calculated while his eyes traveled to the dance floor past the doorway.

Carlos couldn't hide his terror then. Elliot wasn't bluffing. From what he knew of the man, he never did.

He stared back into the crowd, everything visible and the brightness contrasting with the little to no lighting in the hallway. He could see James dancing with Camille now. He held the girl close and they talked as they swayed to a slower song, both smiling; content and flirtatious with each other like it was their second nature. Carlos couldn't see Sage and assumed she had left the "couple" to be together while she returned to Kendall and Logan, who were all likely having a good time as well. The mood was high, having a night of fun intertwined with so many full of anguish. He didn't know what would happen if he got Sage and brought her to see Elliot like he was ordered to, but what Carlos did know for a fact was that innocent people, like Camille, could die if he refused. He was damned if he did and damned if he didn't, but he also knew what Sage would want him to choose. She wouldn't want anyone to be sacrificed for her sake.

"What's it gonna be, Carlos?" Elliot wondered. The boy's eyes snapped back to the figure directly in front of him. Elliot had spoken softly, almost as if he felt sympathy. It disoriented Carlos, and then he started to understand; that was how Elliot did it. That capacity to call upon the right emotions at the perfect time was how he got into Sage's head. Carlos couldn't imagine experiencing that attitude coming out of a monster's body for even a full day let alone a full year like his sister had. He couldn't understand how she made it out sane.

Carlos opened his mouth but couldn't speak even though conversation had come so easily months earlier when he had no clue who Elliot was.

"You have one minute to bring her to the alley on the side of the building," Elliot instructed, jerking his chin to the glowing "Exit" sign on his left. "You can all come, I don't care. Just bring Sage," he breathed heavily, eyes traveling as if he could see the girl in the crowd again, then he straightened and dug his hands more harshly into Carlos' shoulders. "And if you call my brothers in blue, I _**will **_go down swinging," he reminded the boy of the gun at his waist by glancing downward and then back up, looking right into Carlos' wide brown eyes with warning. It wasn't actually visible anymore, but Carlos could see the gun perfectly; the idea of it going off filling his head with intense volume and panic.

Elliot didn't wait for a response, he just shoved away from Carlos using the teen's body as leverage and stalked fluidly towards the exit without looking back.

"Fuck…" Carlos whispered after regaining the ability to breathe.

He repeated the curse loudly and spun around and away from the wall to rush back into the club on shaky legs, ignoring the few people staring at him as he bumped and jostled bystanders on his way to James; the closest member of his family in sight.

"James!" He grabbed the dancing boy's arm and forced a smile when Camille looked at him curiously, trying to remember not to draw extra attention. The instinct to scream his lungs out was pulsing in his veins, but the mental image of the beautiful actress in front of him bleeding and dying from a gunshot wound kept his mouth shut.

"Hey, man! You wanna dance with me, don't you?" James assumed haughtily, wiggling his upper body and then looking at Camille, who was amused by his antics. "I knew he'd come crawling."

"What do you need, Car?" Camille shook her head at James and leaned closer to the other boy, knowing he couldn't possibly want to cut in on their dance.

"Um…"

What was he supposed to say?

"Emergency family meeting!" he announced with a bright smile, as if that could ward off any apprehension on Camille's part. James stopped dancing in his own little world and stared at his best friend oddly, looking for a deeper meaning, and Camille shrugged and waved them off easily; it wouldn't be the first time they ran away to do something crazy.

"I'll talk to you later. Save me another dance..." She reached out to hold James' hand, caressing the back of it with her thumb. He smiled at her, momentarily forgetting Carlos standing rigid beside him.

"Definitely," James agreed, grinning and letting a joy-induced boldness take over as he bent forward and kissed his crush's cheek. "You look beautiful tonight, Cam…" he murmured in her ear and then stumbled back from the flustered, but flattered, girl when Carlos tugged his arm again.

He felt awful for interrupting the moment, but James' timing was just terrible.

"Sorry!" Carlos apologized to Camille, yelling as he pulled James through the crowd towards Kendall, Logan, and Sage; unable to wait any longer. He was terrified that Elliot's "one minute" was going to be an exact limit and he was already pushing it too close.

"Dude, what the hell? I was finally making a move on-"

"This is serious, James," Carlos told him, breathing heavily and feeling James' resistance in his hold stop at his tone; Carlos was rarely lacking positive energy, but now he appeared amped up with a negative aura and a load of nerves shook his spine.

"What's serious?" Logan yelled over the music, having heard the tail-end of their conversation as they approached the sitting area. Sage was nestled between him and Kendall, curled into her boyfriend's side. She sat up when James and Carlos got closer; James looking confused and disturbed, and Carlos looking frazzled and frantic.

"I- Uh…" Carlos mentally cursed again at being in a similar position that he was in months ago; he had to be the bearer of bad news. He wished he never met Elliot, wished that they never had a concert in Vermont.

"Carlos?" Kendall spoke his name like a question but it was firm, almost knowing. Carlos looked at him, then Logan, then James, and then he finally but reluctantly put his eyes on Sage's.

"Elliot wants to talk to you."

The music was blasting but, just for a second, every sound went mute for the family. Everything was still and quiet and cold; like death.

"Where is he?" Kendall got up, putting his beer bottle down and detaching himself from Sage before moving quickly towards Carlos in anticipation of an answer.

"Kendall…" Sage called out to him, but she was either too faint or he wasn't listening. Logan took her hand.

"Where is he, Carlos?" James asked that time, looking almost as murderous as Kendall.

"He wants her to go outside to the alley…" Carlos pointed unsteadily. It didn't appear as if he thought telling them was a good idea. "He has a gun!" he hissed lowly, hoping that it would keep them from moving too fast, but Kendall was already pivoting on the heels of his Vans as soon as Carlos gave him direction, and James was plastered beside him; both of them moved as one through the crowd, but the groups of people were slowing down their progress.

"Kendall! James! Get the fuck back here!" Logan hopped up, pulling Sage with him and trying to stay calm because the two angered boys were still close, not making it through the partygoers too fast for the others to catch up. "We should call the police…" he told Sage and Carlos, speaking carefully and deliberately as if to give Sage an example of how to behave; she was already shaking and had fallen silent despite the fact that Kendall was gone. She stared at Carlos but it was like she saw nothing.

"We can't! He said he'd start shooting if we did something stupid," Carlos argued, shifting backwards to go after his two bloodthirsty brothers, who were halfway to the door.

Logan chased after him, dragging Sage along both by instinct and because she didn't seem to be even considering letting go of his hand. Her grip was crushing. Carlos was a bit ahead of them and he was quick enough, adrenaline driving him forward, to grab Kendall's arm in hopes of keeping him back. It stopped him on the edge of the dance floor, and halted James as well, but Kendall only stared at his friend for a second and then yanked out of his grasp.

"Stay here, Sage," Logan ordered softly once they were in the connected hallway, regrettably removing his hand from the girl's. He had to help Kendall and James. Both he and Carlos wouldn't hesitate to jump into a scuffle with them, even if it was fatal and idiotic; it was just what the family did. They protected each other blindly.

"Logan!"

By the time he looked back over his shoulder, Logan could see Carlos standing at the exit with the door wide open. He peered out and then back in quickly, panicking and waving for him once he could no longer see James and Kendall advancing into the shadows of the alley.

Sage let Logan turn around to run, her lips still pressed shut, but she seemed to be jolted into action when he was about a foot away. She reached out and tugged on the fabric of his vest to make him face her again.

"He'll _**kill **_him…" she whimpered, voice cracking and eyes blinking several times in shock.

Logan didn't know if she meant Elliot would kill Kendall or that Kendall would kill Elliot. Either way, it would end badly; with Kendall in a grave or in jail.

"Logan, I can't see them anymore!" Carlos shouted over the music, his frame swaying in and out of the door like he wanted to go outside but not without Logan's help; thinking he'd fail to do anything sane under this much pressure.

"_**Please**_, stay here, Sage…" Logan plead for her safety again, but this time it was desperate, like he knew it was fruitless, and then he rushed away after Carlos and the others just hoping she had listened.

He could see Carlos just going out the door to the alley by the time he sped up and made it through himself. Once he was out there, he stopped. It was darker compared to the inside of the club and filled with much less noise, making all of his senses quake for a moment before he followed the sound of footsteps on his left. A large dumpster beside the door blocked his view, but as soon as he sprinted around it he saw what they had all dreaded. Elliot was leaning against the brick wall of the adjacent building with his arms crossed, and Kendall was striding towards him with James right behind. Carlos ceased his movements when he was about halfway there, unsure of what they were supposed to do or what would happen.

"Hey, Kendall. Long time no see…" Elliot greeted the boy with a smirk that didn't fade even when Kendall stepped into his personal space, pulled his fist back, and struck him hard across the jaw.

The sound of knuckles connecting with bone and skin was both sickening and satisfying for Kendall. He had wanted to beat the man for years, wanted to watch him bleed and see him crumble just like everything he touched did; he wanted to destroy him like he destroyed them. The way Elliot spit crimson fluid onto the pavement after the punch actually made Kendall smile right before he struck the man in the ribs and then again on the other side of his face, images of Sage crying and shaking flashing behind his eyes driving every anger-fueled hit. He felt James' protective presence beside him the entire time, moving with him whenever he'd go back or forward as if they were attached, and maybe, mentally, they were; they both not-so-secretly wanted Elliot's head on a platter. James fully supported the violence occurring in front of him more than anyone, taking pleasure in watching and waiting if Kendall needed him but still allowing the boy to have his deserved moment.

Elliot didn't really fight back, only leaning away from the blows when he could manage and smiling almost the entire time; showing his teeth even when blood continued to drip from his mouth. Once he seemed to have enough, he pulled the gun from his waistband as Kendall was smirking at his own handiwork and shaking his fist out for the next strike.

"Kendall, he's got a gun!" Logan yelled, remembering that Carlos had warned them but not fully processing it until he actually saw the weapon. He ran for his brother along with Carlos, but James wasn't moving; he watched Kendall hit Elliot in the face again without the slightest hesitation at the reveal of the firearm.

"Stop!" Carlos screeched, reaching to grab any part of Kendall he could when Elliot took the safety off on the gun after another punch was delivered to his abdomen.

"You had your fun, Knight…" he chuckled and spit more blood onto the pavement, and then he pressed the gun into Kendall's chest.

Kendall glared at him, gasping for air and shrugging Carlos off of him, which was easy to do because they were so different in size and Kendall had his fury to aid his strength.

"This isn't gonna be fun until you stop breathing!" he snarled and lunged at Elliot again, running right into the gun.

"James!" Logan cried for help, making the boy snap out of his homicidal daze and suddenly snatch Kendall, using his slight height advantage as leverage to tug him back and away from the fatal weapon. If he hadn't done it, Kendall would have happily walked into his death without even thinking.

"Gotta say, I missed you, kid," Elliot admitted with delight, pointing the gun in the foursome's direction and rubbing at his jaw while looking to Kendall, who was still struggling against James', and then Carlos', hold. "And I kind of had that coming, so no hard feelings," he assured him like they were supposed to be friends as he wiped a trail of blood from his chin with his sleeve.

"Let me go," Kendall seethed, wriggling and never taking his cold stare off of Elliot.

"You're going to get yourself killed. You can't do that to Sage," Carlos yanked him harder backwards to increase their distance from Elliot. Kendall seemed to calm at that, blinking and moving more slowly as his brain began to work again.

"Where is she?" Elliot gazed at Carlos with exasperation when he couldn't see the mentioned girl. "I told you to bring _**one**_ person out here, and you brought me three duds. You _**are **_the dumb one, aren't you?" he taunted, lowering his gun to chuckle but immediately putting it back up when the entire group tried to inch towards him again. "I'm guessing Sage has told you enough about me for you to know that I'm not afraid to use this," he warned, deliberately waving the gun in all of their directions.

"I heard you were kind of soft…" Logan countered. He smirked like Elliot had, relinquishing his hold on Kendall and crossing his arms in defiance. Elliot glared at the boy, who was attempting to use every weakness Sage had divulged about him to their advantage.

"You don't wanna play that game with me. I can flip my emotions on and off like a fucking switch; I'll win every time. I have the control," he insisted smugly, and the quartet looked like they believed him.

The funny thing was that Elliot was a complete liar. He didn't control his emotions as easily as he claimed. They all mixed viciously, and that was his weakness in some aspects and his strength in others; he had a fire and fury hidden beneath an eerie capability to filter it and display only what he intended. That didn't mean part of him was cut off, though. All of him was always there, the good and the bad feuding on the inside and reaching a boiling point.

"Now…" Elliot began, rolling his shoulders, "… if someone doesn't tell me why Sage isn't here in two seconds, I'm going to unload a clip into one of-"

"Don't," Sage murmured, trembling and standing back behind the group of boys after having gotten enough sense to go outside even though Logan told her not to. She stood shifting from one leg to the other and her arms were wrapped tightly around herself. "Don't…" she repeated, begging Elliot not to hurt her loved ones now that he was looking at her.

The instant their eyes connected, it wasn't as if the world stopped; it was like it began spinning in the opposite direction. Time rewound speedily, making her sway and lose her balance and sense of real and fake. For a second, it felt like she was back in Ramsey and nothing had ever changed; she never stood her ground. She never got the upper hand. She never got out.

Elliot gave her a soft smile, a genuine one that only she ever saw. It made Kendall rage, tugging his arms even though he was firmly held by James, who, along with Logan and Carlos, watched in bewilderment at the shifting display. One second Elliot was menacing and insane and in the next he appeared human and affectionate, like the sight of Sage made his heart go from black to red.

Ignoring a curse from Kendall, Elliot made a step for Sage once she had slunk towards the group, but she stepped back just as fast. He stilled then, hurt flashing across his face at her open refusal to be near him. Clearing his throat, he widened his stance and didn't make another move for her.

"You're still so beautiful… but different," he sighed and scanned her appearance appreciatively, turning himself into a twisted picture; holding a gun at four innocent boys with one unwavering hand and wiping his other hand nervously on the thigh of his jeans.

Sage was aware of her protectors' presence beside her even when she stared at the ground, feeling the warmth coming off of James, Kendall, Carlos, and Logan, none of whom were moving for her due to the gun, but she still shook like a leaf because Elliot outweighed everything in that moment. She didn't have to look to feel him, feel his eyes on her- _**in **_her- as he dragged his gaze up her body; starting with her heels, up to her short black dress, which she suddenly felt self-conscious in, and then onto her downturned face shadowed by her long hair.

"But you're the same too…" Elliot added after some thought and Sage exhaled painfully.

She didn't want to be the same; she didn't want to be who she had been with Elliot over two years earlier. But that helplessness, the worthlessness and stillness, was sinking back in the longer he watched her. The feelings begged her to just give in and wait to see what would happen if she cowardly stepped out of her own body; the only place she used to be safe.

"Sage…" Logan called out to her gently, the old therapist position in him surging forward at the sight of her letting herself fade and Kendall unwilling to take his eyes off of Elliot enough to look at her; thinking the man would be in the wind again if he wasn't watched.

"No speaking unless you're spoken to, Logan Mitchell," Elliot grinned and aimed the gun more deliberately at him, the officer's darkness edging back in once the trance broke with Sage, who also, thankfully, seemed to snap out of it as well; glancing up and becoming more aware of her surroundings.

Logan glared at the firearm, the only thing keeping his instinct to lunge forward at bay. He remembered the time where he couldn't even defend himself enough to get bullies off of his back without help, fearing the conflict, but now all he wanted to do was fight.

"I'm not sure if I like you enough to hear you blabber on and on yet…" Elliot mused, tilting his head dramatically in thought. "I like Carlos, though; we're old friends! Got anything you wanna say, buddy?" he turned to the boy beside Logan still holding one of Kendall's arms.

"You're an asshole," Carlos snarled and tightened his grip on Kendall, not because he was struggling too hard but because he was honestly thinking about letting him go just to see what he'd do to Elliot.

"Original," Elliot teased. He almost looked amused, like he really did enjoy Carlos' company.

"Enough bullshit. Why are you here? What the fuck do you want?" James asked venomously, looking as if he was having just as much trouble as Kendall staying in one place when he kept glancing at Sage to see how off she looked; how unreal she appeared. It was like she was made of paper or glass instead of flesh and blood as she curled in on herself and squeezed her arms around her body when she had just been relaxing, joking, and dancing only minutes before.

Elliot paused at the inquiry, his arm with the gun at the end swaying out of its rigid position for a second. He struggled for an answer; the reason that drove him for days, for months, to lead him to this point rather than staying in his new home in Vermont. All the answers seemed crazy to even him now; he always noticed too late.

"I wanted to see Sage again…" he announced and swallowed thickly at his own words, sounding inadequate in his ears, but he wouldn't take them back. Whenever he made a mistake, he dedicated himself to going with it instead of turning around and restarting.

"She left you. It's over," Kendall spat, his body jolting again; all of his muscles were moving involuntarily now, screaming at him to choke the life out of his girlfriend's abuser.

"No one was talking to you, Kendall!" Elliot yelled suddenly, everyone in the alley flinching backwards; the boys moved as a group only a bit, but Sage took a whole step. "That's your problem; you shove your way into places you _**don't belong**_," he hissed, his grip on the gun tightening like he was debating whether or not to pull the trigger.

Kendall technically ruined everything for him when he came to town and "took" Sage away. He made things more difficult, made all of Elliot's plans alter and become unpredictable in spots even though he had thrived on the strict order of them for years after he encountered Sage and Julia in that diner. At times, Elliot respected Kendall's love for Sage; for him, it was something they shared, but things always boiled down to one emotion in the end: resentment. He resented Kendall for getting what he had waited years for so easily; so effortlessly. Elliot had to battle personal demons and throw so many of his instilled morals out of the window in preparation for getting Sage only to have to force her to be with him.

"I missed you, Sage... Come here…" Elliot softened again, faintly calling out to Sage, who jumped at being addressed through the fog that kept trying to take her over. Her head snapped up and her bones ached in protest, but she went forward like a moth to a flame, all the while staring wide-eyed at the gun pointed towards Kendall and her brothers.

"Don't listen to him, baby. Just come over-" Kendall began, nearly calm now that he really focused on her and begging for her to be near him so he could feel her, soothe her, but Elliot interrupted him.

"Hey!" he shouted, stepping closer to the group of guys so that the gun was more prominently aimed at Kendall's chest and his proximity to Sage increased too. "I let you out here because I was trying to be nice…" he reminded them.

They knew he meant nice to Sage, not them. And the fact that he knew she would only be comfortable with Kendall and the others should have made him stop before acting, but it didn't; it never did.

"Don't abuse the privilege," Elliot smirked and raised his eyebrows. He tried to be intimidating, but Logan was still pissed, and his brain worked faster than Elliot was used to when it came to keeping people out of his way.

"Oh, you mean like you've abused everything and everyone you've ever encountered?" Logan snarled at him and grinned.

Elliot's jaw tightened. He was tired of playing; Sage knew the look well. His once relaxed arm straightened with intent and the gun was pointed right at Logan's chest. The boys' eyes widened and they all moved in Logan's direction as if any one of them were going to take the bullet for him, but then Sage finally made a strong move.

"Stop…" she whispered shakily and walked forward to Elliot, too close for her liking but unable to think of anything else to do.

She placed a hand on Elliot's arm; she made the first contact. He seemed to emotionally tailspin after that. He stared at her hand on the skin of his wrist, and then he was frowning, pained as he lifted his free arm and tugged her into an embrace. She stopped breathing, her eyes snapped shut with a pitiful whine as she tried and failed to push his strong body away from hers. It felt like she was being stabbed, like the knife he used to hold was cutting its way through her insides.

"That's it, you're gonna have to shoot me." Kendall's composure broke again, its composition resembling that of a twig at the sight of Elliot touching Sage.

James even let him go, and Carlos and Logan didn't look like they were going to interfere; gun or no gun. They each bravely, and stupidly, charged forward a single step, but then they froze at the faint clink of metal and at the scene before them changing. Elliot put the gun against Sage's neck, just beneath her chin.

"You've had two years with her," he told Kendall, behaving as if he lived by a sick notion of them sharing her. "Don't ruin this for me…" he spoke sternly, pressing his front more along Sage's as the girl pulled her head back as far as she could, but she still felt the chill of the gun on her skin. "Or you'll spoil the whole party…" Sage shut her eyes when the metal was pushed even harder, refusing to have Elliot as the last thing she ever saw if she were to die, and the possibility was definitely there. He had threatened her life before, but never like this; never so that Sage truly felt he meant it.

"Wh-What do you w-want?" Sage repeated James' earlier inquiry, knowing Elliot enough to think that there had to be a clearer answer if he had come all this way. Her voice cracked, not feeling like her own, when she opened her eyes reluctantly to look at her tormentor.

"I want-" Elliot spoke but stopped, shutting his mouth. "I-" he tried again. "I want you to love me like you used to," he admitted confidently. The gun never moved off of her neck even as she shook her head from side to side.

"I didn't-"

"They why haven't you turned me in?" he snapped back, anticipating her denial.

Sage hushed. She couldn't answer; it wasn't that simple. Her fractured mind wasn't easy to decipher.

"'Cause you fucked with her head," James insisted darkly, the only thing keeping his feet in one spot being the gun at his sister's throat.

"Son of a bitch," Carlos added under his breath and stared at Elliot in disgust.

"Shut the peanut gallery up," Elliot ordered Sage lowly, bending down so his breath ghosted over her face. Her stomach revolted and her nails dug into the skin of his wrist she held, not fighting but struggling to stay still. Elliot continued when no one else spoke, focusing his full attention on her. "I wanna go back home," he begged, sounding sad and young; like a lost child. "It was easier there. You understood me…"

Sage looked up at him with more sorrow than fear; he was just as fucked up as she was. He ruined both of them.

"That's not our home anymore, Elliot. You know that."

She recognized her voice that time; it was the one she used when she lived with him and she went along with his game of domestic-bliss. It was full of compassion she didn't know she could muster up for him. It just poured from her, melting out between the fright and anxiety so she could cope and shut the bad parts off.

"No!" Elliot protested, eyes shimmering with emotion. "I _**don't **_know that, Sage! What the fuck changed? Everything was fine!" he yelled, on the verge of crying as he pulled her away from him to see her more clearly. He waved the gun out of her space for a second, but she didn't even seem to register it anymore.

"It was a lie! It wasn't real!" she broke and shoved him away. Her arms were weak, and he only winced back at the force; he found the pain more emotional than physical, like she had struck his heart. Sage stared up at him with fury and agony bleeding through the once-crippling fear. "You held me hostage. You raped me."

"You chose to stay…" Elliot denied the accusation of kidnapping right away and ignored the charge of rape altogether; he never wanted to think about that. Murder, beatings; those he could cope with, but wrecking the girl he loved was too much for the spark of goodness left inside of him to face.

His head shook vigorously and he wouldn't look her in the eyes.

"Only after you killed me enough inside to make me believe it was the only choice I had."

Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan cracked a disbelieving smile at the bite she was showing him, at the turn the confrontation had taken, but the joy couldn't be full; they knew she only possessed it because she and Elliot had a relationship way beyond perpetrator and victim. They knew each other more intimately.

Elliot flinched at her words again, bending forward slightly as if the air was knocked out of his lungs. He had been right the first time; she _**was**_ different.

"N-No…" he protested again, desperate and delirious. "No. I made you happy… We were happy… We were fine. Everything was perfect; it worked… Everything was worth it," he told himself, not looking at her for a few seconds. Then his vision focused. "We could have it again…" he insisted softly, touching her face.

"The hell you can!" Kendall attempted to go forward but Carlos and James pulled him on instinct. Elliot didn't even seem to notice the commotion that time.

"Come back with me… I'll be good. I won't hurt anyone, I swear," he requested, gazing at Sage like she literally held his heart in her hands.

She was silent, thinking of what to say, but to Elliot's hopeful eyes it looked as if she were considering his offer.

"We don't belong together, Elliot. I told you that before…" she sighed and almost moved away from him, but her internal fright kept her still when his hand never left her cheek. "Why didn't you just stay away?" she whimpered, tears threatening to fall.

She really did wish he had just stayed gone, that they wouldn't have had to do this, but she should have known it wasn't over when she left Ramsey like she did. She was stupid for even thinking it was a possibility, and the consequences of her actions were right in front of her now.

"You're wrong… You're wrong…" Elliot mumbled forlornly and slid his hand further back, pulling her in. He pressed his forehead to hers, their lips too close.

Kendall growled, and James actually loosened his hold on him, but Logan stepped past a panicking Carlos and put a hand on Kendall's chest.

"Let her do this," he implored quietly. Kendall looked down at him, right at him, and his eyes were glassy and wide. His anger was powerful, but he listened to Logan and didn't rush forward; choosing to watch Sage carefully instead.

"I showed you before; I made you see it…" Elliot murmured like he forgot everyone but Sage was there.

His hand holding the gun slid to her neck again, prodding at the sensitive bare skin. He leaned away, and Sage thought he was looking at her pendant. It reminded her of the night he first saw it; bringing her back to the dim hallway at the top of the stairs she wound up being thrown down. But Elliot moved the necklace aside with the muzzle of the gun and used it to trace the scar there.

"I made you see it…" he repeated, with more pain that time. It almost looked like regret as he stared blankly at the blemish his knife had carved into her.

Taking a deep breath, Sage slowly linked her fingers around his forearm and pulled his hand away from her clavicle. He stared at her. Everything was silent again; everything was still in the narrow walls of the alley.

The door to the club suddenly creaked on its rusty hinges, breaking that unnatural silence. Everyone jumped; everyone but Elliot.

"Are you guys out here? Carlos? James?" Camille called out for them. Her heels clicked on the cement twice, as if she put her shoes on the pavement in front of the door and no further. Her view of the group was blocked by the dumpster and the fact that they were closer to the street.

Elliot stiffened, looking at the boys and shaking his head in warning, and then he brought his attention back to Sage. He looked her in the eyes and cupped her cheek, rubbing his thumb along the bone; wordlessly telling her to stay quiet, to not let him get caught. She stared back, swallowing a lump in her throat at the feeling of the gun against her shoulder and his hand on her face; the skin tingled in revulsion. She glared at his brown eyes and opened her mouth right as she heard her best friend's shoes click two more times and the door squeal again as if she were going back inside.

"Camille, call the police!"

The boys all exhaled at once, astonished at Sage's bravery, but she herself froze after sounding so assertive.

It was only a matter of seconds, but it felt like an eternity when Elliot searched her eyes with his own hurt and betrayed ones. There was such honesty in his features, but then the raw emotion and vulnerability faded away and a storm rolled in; his lips turning down into a snarl and his gaze narrowing sharply on her. He grabbed her by the arms and growled, shoving her roughly away from him so that her body collided with the opposite brick wall, and then he ran off down the alley and towards the street.

Camille emerged in a hurry from the other side of the dumpster, looking wild and frantic when she spotted the figure running off and Sage slumping towards the ground on weak legs. James and Carlos sprinted after Elliot while Logan and Kendall rushed to Sage, both taking an arm and pulling her upward as Camille stood in front of her and pushed the hair out of her face.

"Are you okay, honey?" she asked, feeling stupid because everything inside her told her the blonde wasn't. Her own hands were shaking and Sage's face contorted in pain as she hunched forward after Kendall and Logan got her upright. Her head hadn't hit the brick but her shoulder blades collided roughly with it. The skin burned where it had been scraped open and blood bubbled to the surface to meet the chilled air.

It may have hurt, but she didn't protest a single bit when Kendall tugged her in for a hug.

"Sage…" he heartbreakingly mumbled her name again and again into her neck, holding her and feeling her hands grab at his clothing to pull him against her even though they couldn't get any closer. She could hear her own heartbeat pounding in her head and everything got louder; she hadn't even realized how out of it she had been until things were getting clearer.

"Shit!" James yelled at the end of the alley. They all squinted to see him and Carlos hurrying back.

"He must of had a car or something; we lost him," Carlos panted angrily but he softened when he and James met up with the others. Kendall and Sage were solidly attached, and the rest of them stood close too, like they couldn't work right unless they were connected.

Logan scratched the back of his head and looked around the alley in thought and panic, breathing heavily.

"We need to go to the cops…"

Each and every one of them- besides Kendall because he still had his face pressed tightly into her neck- looked to Sage. She had herself burrowed as far into her boyfriend's embrace as she could get and he could allow. Her forehead was against his chest, and her eyes were shut, but she gave them an answer very different from the one she did when she first showed up at apartment 2J long ago.

She nodded.

* * *

Kendall pulled his shirt over his head and threw it to a corner of the bedroom with a sigh. The sun would rise soon and they hadn't slept at all yet. After Elliot ran, they called their security and went right to the police station to make statements, with Camille faithfully tagging along and effortlessly ignoring the fact that she was missing out on her own party. They stayed there for hours, talking to cops and explaining who Elliot was and how he had threatened them. They were thrown question after question, and they were all placed in separate rooms. They kept their stories straightforward, knowing they had enough to do something just with the fact that Elliot had waved a gun in their faces. It was up to Sage to do more.

She tried, she thought about admitting the rape and imprisonment, but she didn't make it very far. She shut down soon after she explained who Elliot was to her, and that he was a cop; that information made the officer speaking with her harden and stare more skeptically. She curled in on herself then and stuck to the facts about the alley and the gun, feeling like if she accused Elliot of rape no one in the station would ever believe her. So, they made a report about Elliot's threats, saying they would bring him in for questioning, and Sage knew that meant that extreme action, the action he deserved, wouldn't be taken against her stepfather.

Sage stayed quiet the whole ride home, trying to smile only when James, Carlos, and Logan told her to get some sleep and that they'd talk more about their options in the morning. Kendall didn't push her too hard, he just led her to their room and let her go into the bathroom without a word as he changed out of his clothes. He unzipped his jeans but kept them at his hips while he opened a drawer and pulled out a T-shirt. Right before he pushed the drawer closed, he sighed again in hesitation.

Reaching his bruised and battered hand further back into the compartment, wiggling his fingers past various articles of his clothing, he closed his palm around something solid. He withdrew the object, a small box, and studied it in the low light coming from the lamp beside the bed before cracking it open with a gloomy expression.

The diamond on the engagement ring caught even the faintest rays of light, filling his eyes with a shimmer as he twisted the box just so.

"The perfect moment," Kendall chuckled humorlessly to himself and snapped the box shut, blinking at the loud sound it made through the quiet room.

He wanted it to exist, but Logan was right; it didn't and it couldn't. Logan knew that right from the start. He even warned a peppy Kendall when he had gone with him to purchase the ring four months ago. They were in NYC, right after they left Vermont- when all but Carlos were unaware of the hell creeping into their blissful world- and Kendall and Logan had snuck away from the group with excuses of getting takeout for them all, leaving Sage, Carlos, and James at the hotel. Security was lighter back then as long as they weren't at a stadium, so it was easy for Kendall to drag Logan out the back entrance of their temporary home with hats and sunglasses; moving sneakily through the narrow alleys so they wouldn't run into the paparazzi in front of the hotel before catching a cab to a jewelry store Kendall had spotted while they were on their tour bus.

He bought the ring as soon as he saw it, thinking that it was just right; it wasn't too extravagant but it was solid and bright and strong, a polished diamond on a silver band.

Logan was the only one who knew about Kendall's plans to propose soon. They were going to clue the other guys in eventually, but not until the time was getting near because James and Carlos had difficulty keeping secrets due to their excited nature. Everything was going so well.

It was tragically ironic how the day after Elliot had already unknowingly started to trash their lives again, Kendall had felt happy enough to purchase a ring that symbolized the beginning of the rest of his and Sage's eternity, which was now murky and bloody.

Kendall thought so much about just asking Sage to marry him in the last four months, thought about just opening his mouth and saying the words. But the undercurrent of depression that continuously surrounded them always stopped him. Even subconsciously, Elliot always knew just went to step in and sucker punch him.

Grinding his teeth, Kendall shoved the ring box back into the drawer, burying it deep and into the corner where Sage couldn't find it. The dresser slipped shut with a jut of his hips and he was going to continue to change, but he froze in the process of putting on his shirt when he heard a strangled sob come from the bathroom. He frowned, almost crying himself with an immediate sting in his eyes, and dropped the shirt to the ground before walking over to the door.

He opened it slowly, unsure if his nerves were prepared to handle what he'd see after the night they had, but the sight of Sage relaxed him even if it hurt him. She would have almost looked pathetic if she wasn't so sad. Sage braced her hands against the sink, bending at the waist as if she could fall as she cried relentlessly. She had only made it out of her dress far enough for the fabric to pool at her ankles, still leaving her in her undergarments and heels as her spine shook with every sob. Her black clothing matched the remnants of mascara running down her face, all of it contrasting with the paleness of her skin and the lightness of the walls and tile around her. Her shoulders were a nasty red, the small scratches from the brick inflamed and burning Kendall's eyes. She hadn't been hurt in so long, and, for a second, it was as if they were sixteen again; him with fresh sadness and her with fresh injuries after a day or two with Elliot.

Kendall watched her cry, unable to move further past the doorway. He hadn't seen her tears fall that freely in weeks, not even flowing that way after a nightmare or when she first got the news of Elliot approaching Carlos in Vermont. She tried to shift her stance and nearly collapsed under her own light weight, and Kendall shot forward abruptly, capturing her around the bare waist and tugging her against his smooth chest. She cried a little softer then, pushing her battered shoulders into his warmth and reaching to burying her hands in his hair as he nuzzled and kissed her neck; listening to her unsteady breathing subside.

They both looked up into the mirror in front of them after several moments, and their wet eyes met in the glass. Kendall moved her backwards slowly when he couldn't stand the sight of the broken figures anymore, gently settling onto the cold floor and bringing her into his lap. As she quivered against him and found solace in the sound of his heart against her ear, Kendall wanted to blurt out his proposal; wanted to slide the ring on her finger right then, tears and all. But he couldn't. Maybe it wasn't possible, but perfection was what they deserved in such a time, and he was determined to get much closer to it than this.

"Ssh… It's okay, angel," he cooed, throat scratchy from the earlier yelling and crying as he ran his aching hands through her hair.

"You all could have died tonight, and it's my fault…" she whispered, wiping at her tears as she looked up at Kendall and sat sideways more securely on his lap with his arms linked around her.

The way Kendall, Carlos, Logan, and James all attempted to risk their lives for her was loving but stupid. The threat to their existences made her heart clench.

"Our lives getting threatened by Elliot is run of the mill for us…" Kendall forced a tired grin and moved a strand of Sage's hair away from her damp eyes.

"Not for them," she protested softly. "It shouldn't be for any of you."

"Us… any of _**us**_," Kendall corrected her firmly, worried that she seemed to think that her life was less important than theirs.

Sage looked away instead of responding, reaching out for his arm with the tattoo to focus on and cradling it like a precious gem.

"What do you think we should do now?" she wondered, sniffling and clearing her throat.

"What do you _**want **_to do?" Kendall asked and wiped at the mascara on her cheeks.

"Shower," she frowned but cracked a little smile when he did.

"Then?"

"Cuddle."

"Sounds good. What comes after that?" he rested his head against the wall and pulled her closer as she placed her cheek on his shoulder.

"Sleep."

"Awesome," Kendall whispered, still grinning and running his hand up and down her back.

"Then we'll get up and meet with Gustavo and Kelly…" Sage's voice wavered a bit and she shifted on Kendall's lap.

"And what do you want to happen there?" Kendall didn't get an answer, he just felt Sage exhale unsteadily against him. "Are we gonna file for a restraining order this time? Press charges?" he asked, still not wanting to push her but also dying for an answer.

"Yes…" she answered faintly, but he could hear her clearly in the surrounding silence.

"You'll have to see him in court…" Kendall told her carefully, keeping his eyes shut and his head against the wall while crushing her ribs in his grip comfortingly as she dug her nails into his arm and nodded beneath his chin. She'd never truly involved the authorities in her situation with Elliot before, not in a way that turned out positive for her, but things needed to change; more of the same would get them all killed. And this was bigger than her now. She had people she needed to look out for.

"I want a new lawyer, though" she announced firmly but softly. Kendall opened his eyes and pulled her back to see her face as she spoke. "I want a new one- a better one. I want someone who thinks they can win against him when the rest of us don't…" She bit her lip and blinked slowly before caressing Kendall's cheek. "This time, we have to go after him before he comes after us."

* * *

**A/N: There is obviously more drama/angst to come because… you know…Elliot's still breathing lol, and he just exudes chaos everywhere he goes :) I hope you enjoyed the chapter, and I'm really excited about my plans for the next :D**

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this chapter :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I appreciate any feedback and I love meeting fellow readers/fans of BTR. Don't be shy :) **

**See you next time! :)**


	54. Big Time Trial and Error

**A/N: I apologize for this taking so long to update :) I won't waste time with a long author's note. Just, please- hopefully- enjoy! :D  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

_CHAPTER 54: BIG TIME TRIAL AND ERROR  
_

* * *

Kendall cupped the water in his hands, coolness spreading over heated palms and calloused skin at his fingertips as it spilled into the sink right before he splashed the remainder onto his face. The ends of his bangs grew damp in a few spots, droplets dripping onto his cheekbones once he swung his head up to look in the mirror. There were circles beneath his eyes, which contrasted by being fiery and vibrant as his jaw set into a well-practiced countenance of determination.

"Everything will be okay." He spoke the words to himself, watching his lips move with the sound but somehow not fully believing that it was real despite the visual.

It had been the better part of four weeks since Elliot had barreled his way back into his existence, and he was feeling it every hour. Every minute was slower than average and more precious yet agonizing. But they were winning now- sort of. Things were still to be determined, but they were headed in a good direction; Sage had made the right choice when she decided to fight back. The battle wasn't going to be a quick one, though, and they had already been on edge for so long.

"Kendall?"

He jerked away from the mirror and gripped the marble counter tightly, swinging his head to see Carlos at the restroom entrance.

"You alright? I called you a few times…" he wondered as he stepped a bit further into the room, his dress shoes clicking against the shiny, black tiles. The door went to swing shut but it stopped when it met his shoulder.

"Sorry." Kendall moved his head back and forth, all of his senses returning slowly. He reached and shut the running water off, shaking his hands out at his sides. "I was just thinking."

Carlos nodded and offered a smile of condolence and care, something as well-practiced as Kendall's determination.

"We wanted to know if you were ready to go in. There's still some time before Ell- before we have to get started, though… Sage is with Gabriel now."

Adam Gabriel: the new lawyer- a lawyer Kendall actually liked. And, more importantly, Sage trusted him.

The man was handsome and a little cocky, but he had a right to be. He came highly recommended from Laura Mitchell, who had called in some favors at Logan's request. She and Gabriel had met in law school, and he went on to Los Angeles to take high profile cases with more personal clients while she had decided on corporate law. Gabriel had a way of intimidation that went beyond anything Kendall had ever seen, but he used it for good rather than personal gain; charming clientele and officials but turning dark and frightening when met with an opponent. He always smiled, though; always smirked. He played nice on the surface, and he played to win.

He wanted to sit down with Sage and BTR as soon as he heard about the possible case from Logan's mother, and he was absolutely sold when he heard the victim herself speak. Sage's story of abuse, captivity, and torture struck a chord with him. Perhaps it was because Sage was so honest- Kendall called it brave- with the details. She was done hiding, Elliot had forced her hand, and Gabriel seemed to respond well to her courage. It also didn't hurt that he could do something good with the case; an officer of the law like Elliot Henderson shouldn't be invincible, and he was looking forward to "outing the bastard".

Kendall definitely approved.

The steps to success, as Gabriel called them, were numerous and treacherous, and he wasn't afraid to say so while also assuming the stance that they could win with the right moves. That was why Sage trusted him. He was honest, like Ms. Harvey had been, but he also had passion and a fire. Sage was petrified but, with Gabriel in the lead, her chances of getting Elliot out of her life for good were better than ever before even if they were not a sure thing.

First step: a restraining order.

Sage already had a protective order placed on Elliot the day after their encounter in the alley, and today was the day they would meet with a judge to see if a more-permanent restraining order could be granted. Today was the day they'd have to see Elliot again.

"Is she okay?" Kendall glanced over to Carlos, who still held the door open with his body, and then back to the mirror, smoothing down his hair and grabbing a disposable towel from the stack beside the sink to dry his face.

"She's fine," Carlos answered a little too quickly, getting a quirked brow and a sigh from Kendall. Sage was never fine. None of them were lately, not as much as they used to be. "Well, she's just as nervous as she was ten minutes ago… But she's not crying." Carlos smiled optimistically, and Kendall smiled faintly back.

Their list of "positives" was getting a little pathetic.

"You coming?" Carlos tilted his head backwards and shifted aside to unblock the doorway. Kendall could see James and Logan waiting across the hall, the taller leaning against the wall with his arms crossed and his foot tapping while the shorter attempted to peer over Carlos' shoulder but also feign relaxation.

"Yeah…Can't hide in here forever, right?" Kendall chuckled uncomfortably and balled the towel up. He walked past the row of empty pristine stalls and tossed the cloth into the wastebasket beside the door as Carlos let him through and into the main hallway of the courthouse.

"Let's go see Sage, man. That always makes you feel better," James suggested coyly, punching at Kendall's shoulder and getting snickers from his three best friends as he began moving down the hallway toward the room they were set to have the hearing in.

"Who says I feel bad?" Kendall wondered, shoving his hands into his slacks and moving step for step beside James while Logan and Carlos glanced at them from their position behind the duo.

"You look… edgy…" James admitted.

"Not that you can't be!" Carlos jumped in for his brother when Kendall opened his mouth with a gleam in his eye; he'd been looking for a fight lately, anything to get his mind off of reality. "We're just…"

"Concerned." Logan finished for Carlos with more seriousness in his tone when they stopped at the double oak doors closing off the courtroom. Kendall narrowed his gaze at Logan.

"I'm fine. Everything's okay." He blinked, stare falling to the gleaming floor beneath his feet for a moment before he brought them back up to the others.

"Yup, sure," Logan murmured with a disapproving closing of his eyes. "What's the game plan, Kendall?" he asked abruptly. He really wanted to ask the question much sooner, wondering what they were going to do when they actually saw Elliot again, but Kendall had been hard to get alone in the last few weeks; always with Sage.

"Plan?" Kendall squinted and anxiously scratched the back of his neck, his vision on the closed doors.

"Are we gonna behave ourselves, or…" Logan started, trailing off and peering over to Carlos.

"Are we gonna freak out when we see him?" the boy finished. Kendall just looked more confused, staring at the group.

"We're a team. So, what one of us does…" James elaborated.

"The others get dragged into," Logan sighed and crossed his arms.

Grinning sluggishly, Kendall understood. It was how they always were; avoiding trouble and also finding it as a mostly-cohesive unit, the "mostly" coming in when Logan was sure they were all insane, or if Carlos was _**actually **_crazy, or when James was oblivious to the others in a bout of his conceited nature, or if Kendall lost all control. Their teamwork, strong or fractured, wasn't just for the ice; they had made it a part of their lives.

"I'm not going to get you three locked up for brawling in a courtroom… I can be calm," Kendall assured them. He titled his chin in the air and pulled his shoulders back in confidence, taking a step away from them for show, but then he bumped into a group of suits walking behind them and he instantly morphed into an aggressive stance, irises twinkling with anger.

"Like I said: edgy," James whispered to Carlos and Logan while Kendall smiled apologetically at the group of strangers.

He grunted to himself and hung his head once they were past, tugging at the bottom of his shirt and kicking one of his feet in the air out of frustration. He moved his legs then, moseying across the hall to press his back into the space of brick between two large paintings of the founders of the building; male judges, looking ancient in the dated portraits.

"I'm fine." Kendall repeated and frowned at his brothers.

"Don't say that just to make us feel better..." Carlos rolled his eyes and went across the hall to plop down onto the bench beside where Kendall was standing.

"We just wanna know what you want to do. I mean, Logie already told us if we caused a shit-storm in there that the charges wouldn't be huge," James proclaimed, nonchalantly gesturing to the courtroom before sitting on the arm of the bench on Kendall's other side.

"I said we could afford the bail," Logan corrected and stood in front of Kendall.

"Whatever. Either way, we've got your back, and Sage's. But…" Carlos straightened in his seat, scooting close to the edge to get a better view of both Logan and James.

"We were hoping that we could all walk out of here on our own; no handcuffs or escorts…" Logan added.

Kendall bit his lip and concentrated instead of keeping his body moving or giving himself a pep talk; he really thought for once. He thought about seeing Elliot again and what he would do, what he was capable of. When he was in that alley last month everything went red. His body had burned with fury instead of pain and grief, and Elliot became the outlet for every bad feeling he and Sage ever had; like those feelings could be erased if he made the man bleed enough.

Really, they all had that desire; they wanted to beat Sage's stepfather until he was unrecognizable. They could have gotten themselves killed for it though, all having moved towards the gun Elliot had at one time or another when they should have been more cautious; only stopping when the weapon was directed at Sage. That night stayed with them. Any one of them could have perished by Elliot's hand, all it would have taken was something as small as a finger pushing a trigger. They had gotten off lucky.

Logan had been the first to understand that, to regret it and quickly develop a "play nice and behave" agenda, something Gabriel highly supported. Now that the law would be involved, matters couldn't be placed in their own hands anymore. Everything was beyond them for the most part. Carlos had been livid with Elliot, for manipulating him into getting Sage, but he was willing to do things the right way. James was a little tougher; jumpy and agitated like Kendall for days after the encounter even once they met Gabriel and got the ball rolling on the restraining order. With encouragement from Logan and Carlos, as well as Sage, who remained relatively calm herself as long as she stayed busy, James had decided they should be "good" too; focus on the things that mattered. But that all fell back on Kendall; he could change their plans, and for a while they were almost positive that he would.

The only thing Kendall could have been described as was "dark" when he thought about Elliot, which was the majority of his waking and sleeping time. It reminded Carlos, Logan, and James of how he was when they first reunited in Sherwood, when they weren't always certain that he could be him again. But Sage could calm him down with a touch or a few words or with a smile when he grew rigid and silent.

Her effect on him wasn't a surprise, however, because she was "Sage"- Kendall had her neatly placed on a pedestal he built just for her. He put her there even though she had never asked for the spot, even once having actively tried to make him shove her off of the platform, and it was challenging for her to even tell when she was up there anymore because it had become so normal. The fact that she also had a pedestal made in her mind just for him exacerbated the situation. It put them in a never-ending cycle of saving and sacrificing for each other; their lives hinging on one another's irrevocably. Romantic- sometimes. Foolish- always.

"This is just the first in a long set of days..." When Logan spoke, Kendall blinked the haze out of his mind and refocused on the present, staring down at the brunette. "If Sage is going to be brave, then we can be too… We just have to remember that Elliot's the bad guy, not us."

Kendall nodded and swallowed thickly, his spine tingling with the old but never-retreating fear of becoming something like Elliot; becoming the monster that sometimes felt so similar to his own personality when he looked deeply.

"I wish we could kill him," Kendall admitted softly, a dangerous edge creeping into his tone. Ridding the world of Elliot felt like the natural solution to both his fury and his internal dilemma; if he could erase his darker counterpart, only the light would exist- if only things were that simple.

"I asked Logan about that too!" James piped up enthusiastically, swiveling on the arm of the bench gracefully to knock his feet into Kendall's shin for emphasis. "_**Those**_ charges would be huge."

"But we could still afford the bail," Carlos added smartly, deflating when he got a smack on the shoulder from Logan, who pressed his lips together thoughtfully.

He stepped closer towards Kendall to neurotically, but methodically, grab the sleeves of his shirt. They were damp at the hem from the sink.

"If we committed murder- and this would be premeditated, mind you- we probably wouldn't get offered bail at all." He spoke solidly, but his pitch rose after every pause while he continued rolling up the sleeves. Kendall felt a little like a child, but he didn't make Logan stop; sighing as he creased the fabric just the right amount to neatly reach his elbow while he kept talking. The only time he faltered in his movements was to admire the tattoo on Kendall's forearm. "And have you seen us?" Logan questioned squeakily, looking around their closely gathered group before unrolling Kendall's right sleeve and restarting the folding process when it wasn't to his liking. "We are in a damn _**boy band**_-"

"Man band." James' correction went unheard.

"We'd be like bait on a silver platter, just sitting there for our fellow, burly prisoners. And I don't know about you, but I like living." Logan blew out a heavy breath and moved onto Kendall's askew tie. "And I also like _**choosing**_ my sexual partners." Carlos cringed and James nodded.

"And you called _**me**_ edgy…" Kendall mumbled to James and glanced down at Logan's fingers, which were matching his tie's lengths of fabric with concentration so that they fit perfectly. Once he was satisfied with that part, he grabbed at the knot and pushed upward, pressing snugly against the wearer's throat and making the boy cough. Kendall grabbed his wrists and lowered them deliberately to Logan's own sides, getting a sheepish smile from his friend.

"He's not wrong, dude," James countered, smirking at Logan. "I could probably run that place," he flexed, and the trio around him looked on with a disinterest he chose to ignore, "but look at these two." He tilted his head to Logan and then to Carlos across from him. "They are way too pretty and tiny."

Logan was confused, about to open his mouth to protest with the fact that James was the "prettiest" of them all, but he shut up once the boy reached out for his cheek.

"Especially Logie. Look at his innocent, little face," James cooed, trying to pinch the skin.

"James, don't joke about things like that!" Logan hissed, swatting the hand away. James just chuckled.

"Yeah, can we stop talking about this? I'm gonna have nightmares where I'm some guy named Spike's bitch; I just know it," Carlos groaned and rubbed at his temples while James snickered. Logan showed his agreement by stepping closer to Carlos and patting his shoulder.

The exchange made Kendall laugh, really laugh for the first time in weeks, and he felt lighter. It was normal and calming- comforting if Kendall admitted he needed such a thing- for the four of them to go from serious to crazy in mere minutes.

"So, no murder… Got it," he insisted playfully but honestly, still smiling.

"Promise?" Logan wondered, leaning in eagerly for the confirmation.

"Promise." Kendall's smile faded as he grew more serious, looking to the courtroom doors across the hallway again. "We can- We'll be the good guys like we're supposed to be. Just, um… I can't really promise anything when it comes to actually seeing him in there, though… Look out for me, okay?" He looked to each of his brothers, sweeping his eyes from James to Logan and then to Carlos.

"Always, man." The boy hopped up from the bench and wrapped an arm around Kendall's shoulders, struggling because of the height difference but going full-force anyway, resulting in the blonde crouching down slightly to return the gesture before Carlos rushed forward to open the closed doors. Logan was still a bit fidgety, wringing his fingers together for a few moments and then stopping to walk beside Kendall again, leaving James to hurry over to Carlos' side to grab the handle on the matching door.

"I'm really glad you decided to go pro-freedom," Logan sighed to Kendall with relief, pumping a weak fist into the air in front of them. He secretly enjoyed being a little outlandish with the group, but not to the extent of real jail time when it could be avoided by more logical actions. Kendall rolled his eyes but smirked. "And if things get tough for you in there, just remember the engagement ring you have waiting for Sage. Conjugal visits would get real old real fast..."

Kendall nearly nodded, but then he widened his eyes at the bumbling boy for mentioning the future proposal, which was still a secret between them, in front of James and Carlos. Even worse, the two now-shocked boys had opened the doors halfway.

"A _**what**_ for _**who**_?" James yelped, he and Carlos both stopping with their fingers locked around the handles of the doors. Kendall could see Sage talking to Gabriel briefly, their heads turned towards the shouting, and he would have longed to rush to be beside her at the sight, but the panic of her hearing the current turn in their conversation froze him in place.

"You're gonna propo- _**Whoa**_!"

Carlos stumbled when Kendall wrenched him forward by the collar, avoiding the looks of confusion from Sage and Gabriel. James squawked as Logan yanked him as well, huffing indignantly when the sleeve of his blazer was stretched.

"Why didn't you tell us you were gonna ask Sa-"

"Stop it!" Kendall hushed Carlos again, this time by tackling the shorter boy, making both of their bodies flail until he successfully hit Carlos' shoulder against the ajar door and swung it shut. It was on a spring, though, and not quite fast enough for Logan or Kendall's liking.

"I'm fuckin' offended, Kendork! How am I supposed to be your best man if I don't even know there's a damn wedding?" James complained, voice thankfully not too loud, but his lack of tact frustrated a nervous Logan and caused the boy to lash out and cover his mouth. James grumbled and tried to elbow him, but Logan ducked, and Carlos whined when Kendall tugged him into a headlock, silencing his protests about being a "better best man than James".

"Boys?"

Four heads snapped to the two courthouse security guards inching towards them with apprehension, hands near the batons at their belts as they moved from their station at the front entrance. The quartet immediately calmed down, Logan ripping his hand from James' mouth and making a show out of smoothing down the taller's jacket while James held a thumb up for the men. Kendall kept his grip on Carlos but struggled to make it look like a hug, loosening his hold on his friend's neck and resting his chin on the top of his head. They sent four dazzling smiles the security guards' way. The two men raised their eyebrows but wound up strolling back to their position at the main doors.

"Ew! You taste like hand sanitizer!" James' smile dropped when they weren't being watched anymore, sticking his tongue out and frowning at Logan.

"Cleanliness is not a crime, James!"

"Poisoning is!"

"Ssh!" Kendall reprimanded after releasing Carlos, who cracked his neck by tilting his head back and forth.

"Why should we shut up?" he pouted at Kendall, moving to stand beside James as Logan took his previous place beside the blonde. Carlos and James crossed their arms in tandem, a move creepy to most but common for the pair studying them.

"We were just spewing a bunch of shit about being a team! How could you not tell us you bought a ring? That you're gonna… _**propose**_." James' annoyance faded as fast as it came, practically squealing the last word at Kendall and failing to contain himself. He raised his fist to bite at his knuckles and he giggled, bending his knees and then straightening his body in a little dance that Carlos didn't hesitate to copy.

"When's the wedding? When can we taste cake?" Carlos wondered, still bouncing in a rhythm with James. Kendall stared at the ceiling and fought both not to smile and not to groan.

"You guys look like a bunch of girls right now," Logan deadpanned, squinting and putting his hands in his pockets.

"Zip it, Logan. You already had time to react because _**apparently**_ you're special enough to be let in on the secret," Carlos argued childishly and stopped his dancing for just a moment to glare at Kendall.

"I didn't react like _**this**_," Logan mumbled with a nod towards the dancing James and Carlos, but he was ignored.

"I didn't tell you yet because… Well… Look at you." Kendall smiled awkwardly, but his body was still relaxed since his brothers had worked their unknown magic a few moments earlier.

"Touché," James commented, knowing that Kendall had made the right call. His dancing slowly came to a stop but his smile didn't fade.

"When are you gonna ask her? Can we be there?" Carlos clasped his hands together as he spouted off more questions excitedly.

"That'll be real romantic..." Logan rolled his eyes and Kendall smirked, shaking his head.

"Are you four done with your odd powwow?" Kelly opened the door to the courtroom, raising a slim brow at the group. Their happiness diminished visibly when they remembered where they were, wishing they could be in 2J with Sage; wishing they could be home. Kendall's relaxation ran away, out of grabbing distance before he could even think about holding onto it with a death-grip.

"Y-Yeah," James nodded and took the first step, holding the door open for the rest of the group after sharing sorrowful glances with them. "We are talking more about this later. We're gonna be celebrating anyway…" he whispered to Kendall as he passed through the archway, elbowing him slightly to jostle his too-stiff body. Kendall nodded after a second of hesitation, brain working slower than usual to acknowledge what James had said. He smiled a little when he noticed how James was assuming victory.

The atmosphere had changed instantly, though, going from celebratory to angst-ridden once the doors shut behind them all.

Adam Gabriel sat with Sage at the plaintiff's table, talking calmly and quietly. Camille stood beside her best friend, a hand on her shoulder and her fingers coming up to play with her hair every now and then when Sage would stiffen or frown. She insisted on being there for support, ignoring Sage's protests that she should be doing something better with her own time- her successful movie was just getting started on building its increasing popularity- instead of worrying about her. Gustavo and Kelly stood right behind the banister separating the seating area from the front of the room. No one else was there except for the stenographer preparing near the judge's bench and a man in a suit placing files on the desk.

"Hey, baby. How're you holding up?" Kendall didn't hesitate to enter through the half-doors separating the area Sage was in from the one he was supposed to take a seat in, slinking past Gabriel to kneel beside her. Camille grinned and patted his shoulder, taking her leave and walking the way he came to be near James, who was still not her "boyfriend". Nevertheless, they held hands as soon as she was in reach.

Sage smiled affectionately at Kendall's question. It was just like the ones he asked all the time lately, nonstop. She knew he was looking out for her, and she also realized that he kept giving her opportunities to back out of the whole legal process. But she had meant what she said weeks earlier when Kendall held her; she wanted to fight back. Things could have resulted in much worse than a few scrapes and loads of tears in that alley, and she was determined not to force them to live through any of the possible alternative endings. She had to stop doing nothing, even if it was petrifying.

"She's fine, Knight. She's strong. Stop worry-warting," Gabriel teased, knocking the boy's leg with his dress shoe and smirking when Kendall glared playfully as he regained his balance using Sage's knee.

"So nice to see you again, Gabriel," Kendall raised his brow at the man, eyes still narrowed.

"It's _**always**_ nice to see me." The lawyer winked at Sage when he got a laugh out of the nervous girl and then busied himself with a few folders in front of him so she could talk to Kendall.

"I'm okay, but I just wish this was over already… I wish Elliot was just gone." Sage inhaled shakily and gripped at Kendall's hand when it rested on the thigh of her dress, twisting her palm upward to squeeze his fingers. The idea of seeing Elliot again in only a few minutes was terrifying. Seeing him at all had always made her nerves quake, but this time was different. The setting was disorienting; so many people and unfamiliar surroundings. She and Elliot weren't in their own world anymore. She had successfully pushed them out of that "comfort" zone.

"One day at a time…" Kendall kissed her wrist repeatedly, dropping peck after peck to the soft skin with brave words inspired by Logan. "You'll win. Right, hotshot?" He turned to Gabriel, knowing that he was listening.

"I always win; it's what winners do," he insisted, not looking up from the files he held. Kendall and Sage rolled their eyes. Adam Gabriel had the fierce attitude of Kendall, the ego of James, and the brains of Logan, all tied neatly together with a heart of gold similar to Carlos'. He was as close to unstoppable as they could get. "It also doesn't hurt that Elliot is a natural-born loser," Gabriel added quietly but smugly.

"Gustavo, give Mr. Gabriel a raise." Kendall grinned, getting up into a standing position behind Sage and rubbing her shoulders as he looked to his producer.

"Kendall, stop telling me what to do," Gustavo parodied his commanding tone. Kelly shook her head with an eye-roll beside him, and Kendall was thankful for the routine; the soothing quality the interactions had. He felt Sage's body relax beneath his hands.

Gustavo, despite his loud mouth and strong attitude, loved "his dogs and Blondie" and he always did what was best for them. They still had a few more show dates, mostly local, but after that BTR would be on hiatus when it came to promoting their second album so that they could focus solely on the upcoming court battles without being too lit up by the spotlight that followed the young heartthrobs. The first goal was winning the motion for a restraining order. After that, Gabriel had plans to launch an official investigation with the police in Ramsey, North Dakota to look into Sage's "alleged" rape and imprisonment. Gustavo was determined to get Elliot out of their lives. They all were, and everything else could wait until they were safe again.

"It's almost time…" Carlos announced grimly, glancing at his watch and then to Kendall and Sage. He took a seat behind them on the nearest bench, letting Logan slide in first to be right beside him. James and Camille, who were still connected by their hands, took the space near the aisle. Gustavo and Kelly sat in the second row, all eyes darting anxiously towards the doors.

"It's gonna be okay. I'll be right behind you" Kendall assured Sage, leaning down to whisper in her ear when her shoulders shook under his palms.

She nodded and leaned back with her eyes shut, feeling him kiss her cheek and exhaling at the touch. He stepped around her chair, cupped her face, and pressed his lips against hers- chastely when Gabriel cleared his throat and murmured something about not "making out when the judge comes in". Kendall waved vaguely in his direction and detached from a stiff Sage, prying her fingers regretfully but firmly off of his forearms.

"You'll be great. He's not even going to be able to talk to you here," he reminded her softly, kissing her just one more time and hushing her attempted "thank you" before hopping over the banister rather than walking around.

"Classy…" Gabriel sighed. Kendall just shrugged, wiggling his way between Carlos and Logan so he was directly behind Sage.

They all jumped- Sage even caught the composed Gabriel moving quickly, with a flash of gelled brunette hair swishing through her vision- when the main doors opened, their heads snapping back to see the newcomer. It wasn't Elliot, though. It was a woman, dressed in black and blonde hair clipped neatly to the top of her head, giving off a sophisticated vibe. But her lips were painted red, and her eyes shadowed darkly, making her look even younger than the beauty already was. She clutched her purse to her lap as she sat on the bench located right behind the table that would be Elliot's, being the only person there to support the defendant. Her vision met Sage's defiantly after having been looking straight ahead for so long.

Sage shuddered at the cold look. But, despite its context, the direct view of the woman reminded her of her mother; it reminded her of herself in just the next breath. And then she felt nauseous. She understood who the woman was then. It was Lily. Sage didn't know her name, but she gathered that she was Elliot's girlfriend, and it was devastating. It crushed her that she _**knew **_Elliot wouldn't appreciate that young woman, that he couldn't be what anyone deserved, not when he had been so obsessed with his stepdaughter enough to seek her out in Los Angeles with a gun just weeks prior. Sage didn't have to know the details to predict that Lily wouldn't end up happy, that she wouldn't avoid being used if she hadn't been already. The mere fact that she was there to support Elliot told her that the woman was deluded by the man that, by definition, should be honest with her.

Elliot only ever told the truth to Sage, only ever put that burden on her.

"Who's the girl?" Gabriel whispered, hazel eyes interested but calm as he titled his head towards Sage. She could feel the others watching behind them, listening to the exchange.

"I think she's his girlfriend," Sage murmured back, wriggling in her seat under the hard stare Lily was still giving her, having a vague idea that whatever she was angry about came from a tale woven by Elliot. "I've never seen her before…"

"I'd wonder if we could use her, but something tells me that he's got her wrapped around his finger." Gabriel waved mockingly at Lily, causing the blonde to finally stop glaring; choosing to redirect her focus onto her lap instead.

Sage, and everyone else, forgot Lily when the doors swung open again. Elliot's lawyer, a man older than Gabriel with graying cropped hair, stepped in first. Sage hardly had time to register him before she saw Elliot and her eyes widened and dropped to a random point at the end of the row her family sat in. Elliot had looked at her right away. It made her stomach revolt; him gazing directly into her like nothing had ever changed since she left Ramsay; he was still in control and he wasn't letting her go.

But he didn't look angry, and that made her even more nauseous as her hands shook. It meant he was sure he could win, sure that he was going to walk out of this encounter unscathed. Elliot _**always**_ won. She had almost forgotten that, almost believed she had the upper hand for once, but he could always manage to somehow get at least two steps ahead of her. He always knew what he had to do to make her give in, to break and shatter her before his eyes so he could remold her.

"Buck up, Sage."

Startled, she bit her tongue so she didn't shout when Gabriel whispered at her side again, bringing her back to the present.

"This is the easy part…" he continued lowly, eyes shifting sideways to smirk at Elliot boldly before looking back to her with a mixture of care and ferocity. "Keep your head in the game. Don't let him take you off the board before we even start playing."

Sage smiled at that, not fully but genuinely, and Gabriel grinned as warmly as he could back.

Elliot didn't look pleased at the interaction, his lips setting in a line as he stepped into the front area with his lawyer when Sage's attention was off of him. He knew this wasn't the place to take center stage, though. He ignored his ex-lover for the time being, focusing on smiling politely as his lawyer gestured him towards his seat and acknowledging Lily when she stood to kiss his cheek. She went for his mouth, but he turned away from the contact smoothly, not even catching a frown from the woman let alone detecting any curious stares from the rest of the audience, who had all been hushed since his entrance.

"He looks so… normal," Camille admitted to James, shivering as she got her first real glimpse of Elliot. Tightening his arm around her shoulders, James nodded and pulled her firmly against him. He knew, knew how deceptive and confusing Elliot's demeanor could be. It was infuriating, and James, along with the other three members of BTR, felt like they could go back on their promise to control themselves at any second if their resolve snapped.

Gustavo mumbled a curse in the row behind them, making the boys turn to see the producer and Kelly glaring at the man with murder in their eyes; a look that the band thought was only ever reserved for them when they got into their antics. But this one made all of the others in the past look like a friendly smile.

Kendall could feel Logan and Carlos shift harder against him, essentially locking him in place when he growled at the sight of Elliot. He sighed when Logan nudged him, a reminder to behave, and decided on smirking instead when he really took a look at Elliot's face; faint cuts and still healing and bruises a faded purple and yellow where he had struck him solidly.

"Nice to see you're still aiding the wicked, Perry," Gabriel leaned back in his chair and raised a brow along with the corner of his lips at Elliot's attorney.

"Innocent until proven guilty, Adam," the older man countered, peering over his black-rimmed glasses at Gabriel and then grinning at his client.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night," Gabriel snorted and stood when the single door at the corner of the room opened.

Judge McHough, a middle-aged woman that exuded power and poise, walked out with a soft smile and murmuring the end of a few words of a conversation with a girl that followed, the stenographer that seemed mousy in comparison to the tall redhead beside her. The bailiff came in too, shutting the door behind them and stepping towards the bench as the judge took her seat and opened the file folder at the top of the stack.

Perry Quinlan pulled a face at Gabriel for his last comment but sealed his mouth shut when the bailiff called the court to order and introduced the judge with a blur of names and docket numbers.

Everyone quieted; a swish of papers in files and taps from the stenographer being the only noises before the judge began speaking.

Sage didn't hear her when she started, didn't even realize she had stood herself up with Gabriel until her legs were shaking under her. She was too focused on not looking at Elliot while still somehow being aware of where he was. She wished he never came back, stayed away like he was supposed to. Things were too hard now, too out-of-control.

Elliot turned his head to the side, his brown eyes right on her again, and she didn't look away this time. She was frozen, but her brain was working. Elliot wasn't saying anything but she knew his message loud and clear: stop this. It wasn't even a threat; he was begging, pleading. No one knew him like she did, and she could tell he was depressed.

"Miss Henderson?"

She jerked her head back, feeling the rest of her body above her feet go with it for a fraction of an inch before she stopped herself; her mind having to dominate her frightened instincts to keep control of her muscles. She realized that _**everyone **_was looking at her now, including the stenographer who had her hand hovering above her instrument in anticipation. Sage could feel her family watching her back, especially Kendall; she could always feel him.

"Miss Henderson, do you need me to repeat myself?" Judge McHough wondered, leaning forward at her station with a curious expression, green eyes peering from behind red bangs.

"Yes, please, Judge," Gabriel answered for her, smiling stiffly and then stepping a little closer to Sage in hopes of comforting her. He was careful about not touching her too much when she was nervous, easily learning her quirks and ticks through well-practiced skills of perception and sympathy. She wasn't the first rape victim he'd taken under his wing.

"I was saying, Miss Henderson: I understand that the motion for this order was instigated- partly- by a recent assault. Are you pressing charges for that assault on you committed by the defendant?" Judge McHough stayed focused on Sage, who squirmed under the gaze and took a deep breath.

"No, I'm not…" She lowered her chin towards her chest and lifted a hand to play with the pendant at her neck, refusing to look Elliot's way but knowing that he was narrowing his eyes in thought. Gabriel patted her arm and looked forward again.

After their encounter with Elliot, when they went to the police station to report the incident, Sage refused medical attention but they took note of the abrasions on her shoulders from when Elliot pushed her into the wall. With four eyewitnesses, she could have easily gotten him on an assault charge, but Gabriel advised against it because, unfortunately, the police also took note of Kendall's mangled knuckles where they had met Elliot's face. It would be just as easy for Elliot to charge Kendall with assault in retaliation, a move that would hurt Kendall's credibility as a witness when they would eventually need him for a rape trial. They had to be patient about where and when to strike, think clearly rather than with simple vengeance so they could be on top in the end and Elliot would be in jail for a long time.

"Your honor, after what happened, my client just wants the defendant to stay away from her. However…" Gabriel began confidently, like only the present moment and the future mattered; he didn't get bogged down by nasty looks or fear, even when Judge McHough glanced up at the interruption with a hint of dissatisfaction. "I believe it's worth mentioning that, although we are not pursuing assault charges for this specific incident, we _**are**_ pursuing charges against the defendant on domestic abuse, abduction, unlawful imprisonment, and rape. We'd get him on murder too, but he's apparently very good at covering his tracks…"

Sage stared at Gabriel, mouth agape. He didn't waste any time with his attempts to show Elliot's true colors. Then again, he insisted he had to play hard. They had a built-in deficit already because of Elliot's honorable position as a police officer.

"Your honor, he can't just-"

Judge McHough interrupted Mr. Quinlan's outrage with a raised hand. Sage looked past Gabriel and over to the defense lawyer anyway, seeing beyond him and locking onto Elliot. He appeared hurt, baffled; with his eyes searching hers before he huffed, an audible sound in the room to her, and rolled his eyes like she was being the ridiculous one.

"Those are serious charges," Judge McHough narrowed her gaze on Gabriel. He didn't flinch.

"They are serious crimes," he replied without missing a beat.

"_**Alleged**_ crimes, Mr. Gabriel." It was clearly a warning. The charges he mentioned were myths as far as she had to be concerned because they weren't officially filed yet, so they had nothing to do with her decision.

Sage saw Elliot grin. She dropped her eyes to the table in front of her.

"I'd like to get to _**this**_ case, if that's alright with you." The judge looked to Mr. Quinlan briefly and then more directly toward Gabriel, who seemed satisfied when he caught a quick peek at Perry glaring at him with aggravation.

"Absolutely," Gabriel smiled politely. Even if he was out of line, he knew that he had made the impression he needed to of Elliot.

"Now, given your standing in society, Miss Henderson, I promise I'm going to put as much thought into this hearing as possible. You're more of a high risk case compared to some others."

Sage frowned at the judge. It always seemed off when people reminded her that she was in the spotlight. It wasn't true. BTR was in the light. She was tucked snugly in the background where she belonged, writing and producing under Gustavo's guidance. The boys themselves wondered about seeking a restraining order of their own against Elliot, to make a show of the whole ordeal, but Gabriel insisted that they should keep the focus on the main victim; if she won this small battle it would look good later in a possible trial. And, regardless of her personal opinion of herself, Gabriel had told her that her own "standing" in the tabloids and among fans would work in her favor in matters like these, so she didn't protest the judge's statement, she just nodded once and refused to make eye contact.

"We'll start with the absolute basics," Judge McHough continued, either oblivious to or ignoring Sage's frown. "Are you scared of your stepfather- the defendant?"

Bringing her eyes upward to the front of the room, Sage clasped her hands together at her waist when she got a chill. She chanced a look towards Elliot, gazing at him shakily before she continued to remind herself that nothing would happen while there were so many witnesses.

"Y-Yes…" Her voice was too small at first, cracking as she fixed it and increased the volume. Gabriel had practiced with her a bit, coaching and throwing possible questions at her to get her used to the inquiry. This was the easy part- supposedly. A rape trial would be much more invasive.

Elliot hadn't been looking at her before she answered, keeping a straight, unaffected demeanor, but his concentration zoned in on her when she spoke. He looked so… crushed… and no matter how crazy it sounded, Sage knew the feeling was genuine. He asked for her love again and again. He may have beaten abused her and threatened the people she loved, but he never wanted her to hate him. He wanted her to love him back more than anything else in the world. He wanted her to choose a life with him.

"Do you fear for your life when you're in his presence?"

It was a fair question, but not a simple one.

Physically, no; she didn't think Elliot would end her life. Sage believed him- call her insane- when he claimed that he didn't want to hurt her, and he definitely never wanted to kill her. In Elliot's mind, he didn't even _**want**_ to hit her; he was "forced" into it by a series of choices. But, more figuratively, Sage feared that he would inevitably destroy the life she had. He could ruin them all.

"Yes."

Elliot actually scoffed that time, air hissing as he exhaled and struggled to stay still. His body curled and then straightened along with his face as he forcibly clenched his jaw and remained calm. Judge McHough's eyes landed on him for a moment, studying- analyzing- before she turned back to Sage with a swivel of her chair.

"Granting a restraining order is a serious task. By telling Mr. Henderson where he can and cannot be in relation to you, I'm limiting his civil liberties as a U.S. citizen. It's a decision that needs to be made carefully… You understand, don't you, Sage?"

The addressed felt Gabriel shift on his feet beside her, an air of delight radiating off of him; shoulders widening and height increasing just a fraction of an inch at the judge's informal speech when it came to Sage's name. It was a good sign. It meant she was sympathizing, caring.

"I-I do, your honor."

"Good. Let's focus on Mr. Henderson and the specific incident that brought this on." Judge McHough turned so she faced the direct center of her bench, peering down at papers in front of her and lifting the top page to read the second almost distractedly; refreshing her mind with the details she had already learned. "And I want to talk about facts here, not allegations or slander. Is that clear, Mr. Gabriel? Mr. Quinlan?"

Both attorneys nodded together, a quick movement Sage would have missed if she hadn't been watching so closely.

Elliot stood taller with a pleasant countenance glued into place, not chancing a look at Sage as he prepared to put on a show. It was a quality she hadn't fully seen in a long time, not since before he locked her in her bedroom. Any microscopic speck of good she saw him capable of grabbing onto dissipated, faded into black as he became a shell; speaking and moving like a real person but not very human at all.

It didn't surprise any of the plaintiff's side that he was confident. He had started preparing for something like this the second he ran from the alley and Camille caught a glimpse of him. The kid who let him into the actress' party wouldn't speak a word about him, he knew the teen wouldn't risk his job there and the money he had given him even if he somehow found out that Elliot was bad news. Besides, no one actually knew that bribery was how he got in.

The real problem was the gun, something he bought on the nastier streets of the area, and his location; him not being in Vermont on the other side of the country like he should have been. The first thing he had decided on was staying, choosing not to flee; he might as well have admitted guilt if he had. Instead, he went back to the expensive hotel room he had booked himself and waited, making a pit stop beforehand to ditch the gun. He just watched television and ordered room service until the police knocked on his door, easily finding him in the room he unashamedly paid for under his own name with a credit card. He wasn't "hiding" from anyone. In this case, getting caught was the easiest thing to do.

They took him in for questioning a little more than 24 hours after the incident that Sage and the boys based their witness statements on. He sat there in the station with a bruised face and slightly swelling eye- he had cleaned himself up at the hotel- and cooperated fully with the aid of the recently acquired Perry Quinlan. He'd found him on the internet at the hotel, selecting him from a list of elite defense lawyers. He was expensive, but that meant he was good. Mr. Quinlan had him in and out of the station with in an hour. Elliot considered leaving town, but his attorney had advised against it- he smelled something fishy with the lack of charges, knowing that it was some sort of tactic. And he had been right. Not three days later, an official served Elliot with a no-contact order regarding Sage, and he was due in court just weeks later for a restraining order hearing.

So, he worked every day with Perry to create his own version of the events that happened that night in the alley. He told his lawyer a lot, knowing it was confidential, but nothing incriminating him directly. He made himself seem like the victim.

Whatever happened, though, he wasn't going down without a fight. He'd been battling with Sage and everything that went along with her for a decade; he'd keep going until he was forcibly stopped. And that was a fact that both himself and Sage were finally starting to comprehend.

"Mr. Henderson, you have a permanent residence in Vermont. Is that right?" Judge McHough questioned, fingers locking together over the folder in front of her.

"Yes, and a home in North Dakota."

It wasn't anything menacing or hurtful, but just hearing Elliot speak again made Sage sway on her feet. Instead of steadying herself on the table, she chose to latch onto her pendant again; that gave her more balance somehow. But she couldn't take her eyes off of Elliot. They were stuck there, seeing him talk but not look at her. It was like watching a film, like she wasn't really in the same room as him.

"Why were you in Los Angeles three weeks ago?" Judge McHough continued calmly, not giving away any hints of accusation or confusion.

"I actually started in Vegas on a vacation with my girlfriend," Elliot laughed lightly, honest and charming like he couldn't believe all of this was happening on his "vacation".

He turned to Lily by pivoting to his right; eyes sweeping across Sage's for just a fraction of a second. Lily smiled sweetly, obviously fooled by her "boyfriend" because her demeanor was genuine and loving. It was a look he didn't return sincerely back. Sure, he was convincing; his smile was full, even reaching the corners of his eyes. But Sage could see the rigidness in his body everyone mistook for poise. He was still acting, never missing a beat other than blinking in her direction right before turning back to Judge McHough.

"Lily and I were in Nevada, and the plan was to be there for a while, but I was so close to Los Angeles…" Elliot trailed off like he was nervous, but Sage knew it was faux nerves. He had no guilt or apprehension about what he had done. "I wanted to visit my stepdaughter, wanted to check in on her."

"Bullsh- _**umph**_!"

Kendall began speaking out of turn but Carlos elbowed him pretty hard in the ribs, taking the air out of his lungs and bending him forward slightly. Judge McHough glared at them for several seconds of silence. Gabriel didn't even dare turn around to acknowledge the utterance, and Sage hunched her shoulders, waiting for something to happen. James squinted at Kendall, leaning to see all the way down to Logan, who was raising a brow; wondering if things weren't going to go as planned with them. But then Kendall coughed lightly as if that had been the problem all along and he forced a smile at the judge after sending a murderous stare towards the side of Elliot's head.

"Why did you want to see her then?" Judge McHough continued like the incident hadn't happened, Logan sighing in relief loud enough for all of them as the stenographer began typing again, filling the room with little clicks as Elliot responded.

"I haven't seen her since she left home when she was seventeen. I just wanted to make sure she was doing okay."

"She's been doing just fine since she got you out of her life, asshole."

James spoke that time, but very softly, just enough for Camille and Carlos to clearly hear him by his sides. Carlos went to move a little closer to him but then seemed to think better of it, deciding he should probably spend his time smashed against Kendall to keep the blonde in his seat instead. Camille hushed James quietly, running her fingertips along the back of the hand he had wrapped in hers, nails tickling the skin until he relaxed. She shook her head faintly at Logan when he leaned forward to check on James, unsure if they were going to have another problem. Logan softened and sat back after he saw James lean into Camille, his jaw visibly clenched but determined to stay behaved like they agreed to.

"So I rented a car in Las Vegas and made the drive out here," Elliot went on, slight fluctuations in his speech, making it not appear robotic at all; just honest. He'd had so many years to practice deceit that he'd made it an art form.

"You didn't call your stepdaughter first?"

"I didn't have her number." His answer was rapid, rehearsed.

"She didn't give it to you." Judge McHough did not make that sound like a question. It was an assumption. She was quick, jumping the gaps Elliot left, but he was just as fast.

"She ran off years ago..." He added a twinge of regret this time; sprinkling the information with sadness.

"And she hasn't contacted you since?"

"Sage wouldn't even know where to reach me. I bought that place in Vermont, and I haven't been to the home we shared together since a little after she left. It just sits there." Elliot's façade broke slightly, a shuffling of his shoes as he frowned at the floor and then looked back up with more strength to wait for further questions.

Judge McHough was silent, hands unfolding and eyes dropping back down to the folder in front of her as she shifted a few pages around.

"Why were you at…" she trailed off and searched for the right name," … Miss Wyatt's party?"

"It's like I said before, you honor. I wanted to see Sage. I don't have her address, but she and her friends are all over the internet. I didn't want the drive there to be a waste, so I researched a bit first and found out where I might find her. If I didn't have any luck, then I figured it still would have been worth a try." Elliot shrugged sorrowfully. "I needed to let her know that I was reaching out, hoping to touch base again now that I wasn't so far away."

"I understand what you're saying, Mr. Henderson, but I have to wonder…" Judge McHough sat back in her chair, leveling her stare at Elliot, "Why did you bother at all? When it comes right down to it, you're not her father, and she obviously didn't have the best feelings towards you since- you admit- she ran off."

"You're right, she's not my blood," Elliot agreed, pausing for a moment before looking over to Sage. "But she's mine; she's family." Sage's eyes stung and the muscles in her legs felt weak, but she didn't budge an inch. "I took care of her no matter what she did. And she's been so troubled since her mother committed suicide, but I stayed with her. I didn't give her away. I love her."

A twinge of anger built in her gut from the insane notion that she owed him anything at all, and it gave Sage enough energy to look away again, and Elliot's own trance was broken. He cleared his throat.

"Anyway," he started more casually, licking his lips and staring solely at Judge McHough in order to get his focus back, "since her mother died, I swore I'd look after her."

Sage sighed and Gabriel patted the hand she had closest to him resting against the tabletop. Julia's death, her murder, would have to go un-avenged. Unless he decided to randomly confess to cutting her wrists open, they'd never have any evidence to get him for it.

"She's an adult, and I know she's established a life here. She has a job I'm proud of her for- she's always been so talented." Elliot softened again but remained centered. "But I still feel responsible for her… And I feel terrible for how that night ended. Everything got out of control…"

"How did it escalate to violence with Kendall Knight?" Judge McHough changed gears, moving one of her papers aside in favor of reviewing another.

"Mr. Knight doesn't like me very much…"

"Understatement," Carlos whispered with an un-amused eye-roll, pushing more firmly against Kendall when the boy angrily writhed in his seat, eyes never leaving Elliot.

"He's known Sage since they were sixteen. He's highly involved in her life. And even back in North Dakota, he never respected my position as her parent-"

"Fuck you!" Kendall shouted, using all of his leg strength to jump up. Logan and Carlos had been trying to keep him so secure between them that they toppled into the empty space on the bench. "Parents don't rap-"

Logan found his balance first, grabbing at the back of Kendall's shirt and cutting off his words as Carlos rose to his feet and took him by the arm that was waving viciously in Elliot's direction. The defendant just stood there, motionless and emotionless save a glimmer of amusement in his eyes.

"Let me-" Kendall was muffled again, James moving in this time to cover his mouth like Logan had done to him earlier. The four were ungraceful, all tangled together and noisy.

"Order!" Judge McHough shouted loudly and smacked her gavel while the bailiff stood prepared, moving more towards the threatened Elliot.

"Hey!" Gabriel hissed, turning to glare at the group.

"Order!"

"He has Tourette's!" James insisted with an uncomfortable but dazzling smile at the judge after Kendall knocked his hand away.

Logan looked at James incredulously, shaking his head when the boy awkwardly shrugged back.

"Kendall, chill out, _**please**_," Carlos begged and Kendall stilled once he realized how much of a commotion he was making, every gaze in the room on him directly. He rolled his shoulders in the silence, noticing that Sage was the only one not looking his way. He knew that she was trying not to break down right along with him.

"Your honor, I represent Mr. Knight as well, and he's a very-" Gabriel began apologetically but closed his mouth when Judge McHough placed her gavel down and waved the bailiff back to his original position so that he wasn't blocking her view of Kendall.

"This is Kendall Knight?"

"Yes," Gabriel answered slowly, unsure where she was headed.

"I'd like to hear his point of view," she confessed thoughtfully, leaning forward.

"With all due respect, Mr. Knight is not a part of this hearing," Mr. Quinlan objected. Elliot let him do the talking, but he obviously agreed.

Judge McHough didn't.

"Respect noted, Mr. Quinlan, but your client said it himself: Kendall Knight is 'highly involved' in the plaintiff's life _**and**_ in the incident we are discussing, for that matter." She ignored the lawyer after that, and he didn't have anything to respond with other than a quick glance at Elliot. "Step forward, young man."

Kendall looked flustered at being addressed, clearly not having thought his outburst through, but he brushed off the nerves with a polite smile and shuffled away from his brothers, who all hesitated but sat back down as Kendall leaned against the banister separating him from Sage.

"This should be good," Gustavo mumbled and huffed. He knew first hand that Kendall was a wild card when it came to dealing with authority. Kelly shushed him and then stared forward hopefully.

"I'll keep this brief because I'm pretty sure I already know where you stand," Judge McHough glanced at Kendall and then back down at her file.

He nodded tersely even though she wasn't really looking at him.

"Do you admit to assaulting Mr. Henderson?"

"Yeah, he had a gun," Kendall responded like it was a fact she should have known, still riled up from his gust of anger. Gabriel lifted a brow in his direction, but it went unnoticed.

"According to the police, he had no firearm in his possession," Judge McHough reminded him assertively.

"I don't care. He-"

Gabriel mumbled a "stop" out of the corner of his mouth, gaze full of warning. He couldn't argue with evidence they didn't have. There was no point in pushing. It wasn't like Elliot had fired the gun; no casings or bullet holes or gunpowder residue.

"You know…" Kendall began with a tight grin and a quirk of his shoulders, "honestly, whether he had a gun or not, I would have still happily beaten the shit out of him."

"Language…" Gabriel complained faintly, hardly moving his lips at all. Kendall pretended not to hear him.

"I hate Elliot for what he's done to Sage." Judge McHough opened her mouth, but Kendall interrupted. Gabriel rolled his eyes and let it go, figuring he wasn't going to stop him no matter what he did. "The things he's done are things you apparently don't want to or can't hear about, but they're real… They're real to her, and to me… to us." Kendall gestured to the family behind him.

Elliot stared at his competition for a moment, face unreadable, and then he looked forward while Judge McHough sat in a short silence, absorbing what Kendall had said.

"Thank you for your comments, Mr. Knight. You can sit down now if you think you can act civilly. If not, I'll have you removed from my courtroom," she waved vaguely in his direction.

"Got it, your honor." Kendall thanked her by immediately obeying, unwilling to aggravate her anymore and not be there for Sage for the rest of the hearing. He smiled reassuringly at his soul mate, who finally turned around to see him after being unable to resist the urge for so long.

Sage wanted to reach out and hold his hand but knew she shouldn't. She curled her fingers inward, pressing her nails against her palms in a tight fist at her sides instead. She swept her eyes across the group, seeing nothing but more reassurance from her brothers and Camille. Kelly was beaming encouragement behind them, and even Gustavo was pulling a face that could pass for his strongest attempt at genuine feeling and comfort; eyes focused rather than his normal disinterested gaze that came with practice and his lips almost curved rather than dissatisfied. Sage nodded to herself and slowly spun on her heels to face Judge McHough as she spoke again.

"And your version of the events on the night in question, Miss Henderson?"

Sage grew anxious at the rapidness with which the attention was placed on her again, but she recovered as much as she could; her unpredictable fragility got a little better every day.

"Um, Elliot came to see me, yes. But he wasn't just checking in on me. He wanted me to go away with him," Sage maintained shakily. Her mouth went dry with nerves as she looked over to Elliot again. "He's not- I don't think he's well… He has an- He's not like a dad to me…" She looked to Gabriel for help, the topic growing uncomfortable for her, especially since she wasn't sure what she should or shouldn't admit at the time.

"My client means to say that her stepfather has more-than-fatherly feelings towards her. He's obsessed with her."

"Your honor, there's no evidence of that. If anything, Miss Henderson is the one who's keen on harming my client. She likes to act out. She's accused him of horrific things even before this," Mr. Quinlan interjected effortlessly.

"She was just a kid," Gabriel argued just as smoothly, making Perry's argument seem not only invalid but silly.

"So I see," Judge McHough picked up a sheet of paper, a pink page filled with writing. "Several years ago you had what doctors described as an 'episode' consisting of acts of 'severe agitation and self-harm'. At that time, you also accused your stepfather of physically abusing you. The charges went unproved and you, Miss Henderson, were placed on a psychiatric hold and later released back into Mr. Henderson's care after the incident was diagnosed as a result of your mother's suicide. Is that right?"

"Ye- Yes," Sage responded, a stutter taking over as her hands and spine shook again.

The 72 hour hold, something she went through well before Kendall entered her life, seemed like a lifetime ago. It had been traumatic at the time, yet somehow, now, it felt like nothing compared to the prison Elliot put her in. Her mind was trying to force her back into the bedroom as the memories connected together like rusted links of a chain.

"I can tell you've had a more-turbulent adolescence than most, but I'm also assuming that you've changed."

That made Sage's mind a little clearer because, of course, she had changed. She was still changing and, hopefully, getting stronger. She stood taller, hands still not quite motionless but her spine just tingling now.

"You seem like a peaceful young woman for the most part. Timid, if you don't mind me saying so." Judge McHough grinned in a friendly way and Sage smiled a bit, looking down shyly and only proving her point. "Do you think it's safe for me to also assume that you've outgrown your… unlawful behavior? The false accusations and the drugs?"

Sage recoiled, momentarily forgetting the time Elliot injected her with heroin.

"I…" she began quietly but then gave her response some thought.

She remembered what that night had led to, aiding Elliot yet again with a lie. It was so many lies from her own mouth that had gotten her to this moment, that helped make her journey so damn long.

"The drugs were not my choice, Elliot made me take them. And I know what the doctors said, but my accusations against him weren't false…" Sage replied brazenly, defying what she herself had just claimed to be- "timid". She swallowed the growing lump in her throat. "…Ma'am," she added more softly, attempting politeness.

Gabriel turned beside her, staring down at her with a mix of shock and amusement despite the fact that she had just basically argued with the judge. Sage just looked at him in confusion about her behavior, not exactly knowing where she got it from. The only times she ever felt that confident or comfortable was when she was alone with the people behind her.

Elliot gazed right at her unashamedly from across the room, head fully turned. She couldn't tell if he looked more impressed or betrayed.

James snickered behind her in delight, and Kendall murmured a faint, gleeful "I love you".

"Okay," Judge McHough sighed, and Sage didn't know if it was directed at her or just a general release of tension. "As far as the present is concerned, focusing on this recent event that instigated the order, I think there _**is**_ sufficient evidence of wrongdoing, of intent and violence-"

"Not on Mr. Henderson's part," Mr. Quinlan asserted.

"Your own client's statement _**admits**_ to pushing the plaintiff, and I think it's safe to accept the idea that Mr. Knight didn't go _**unprovoked**_," Judge McHough replied.

"That kid-" the defense attorney cleared his throat, mentally retreating when he realized that he was losing ground by the glare he got from the judge. It threw him off, but he stood firm again. "Kendall Knight has anger problems. He's rash and violent"

"Evidence?" Judge McHough exhaled tiredly.

"My client's face," Mr. Quinlan shot back, gesturing to Elliot's healing injuries.

Kendall snorted without hesitation. He'd do it again and more. Perry Quinlan turned quickly to narrow his eyes at him.

"_**And**_ Mr. Knight's record," he added for the judge.

"What record?" Gabriel jumped in with a chuckle.

"The one that says he assaulted Officer Henderson four years ago."

"Charges weren't filed and an official investigation wasn't even launched. _**Officer**_ Henderson," Gabriel argued right to his opponent's face, completely disregarding the judge as he spat Elliot's title, "was the one who made sure of that, wasn't he?" He smirked at Mr. Quinlan, practically begging him to keep retaliating so he could butcher him more.

"Excuse me?" Judge McHough finally spoke up, getting both lawyers to snap their focus to her. "If you two are finished, I'd like to give you my ruling."

Both men glared at each other covertly, Mr. Quinlan coldly and Gabriel more entertained.

"Mr. Gabriel is right; there were no charges filed against Kendall Knight for an assault. And that tells me that, for some reason, Mr. Henderson didn't want to bother. He's not fighting back this time either…So, Kendall Knight's record is technically clean…"

Mr. Quinlan looked towards Elliot with "I told you so" plastered all over his demeanor¸ but Elliot didn't look back at him. Despite his attorney's urgings, he refused to press charges against Kendall for his battered face. It would have hurt Sage too much.

"Regardless…" Judge McHough continued, "I think it's fair to say that there's far more to this group than what I can see on the surface." She eyed Kendall, then Sage, and then- briefly- Elliot. "But I can only rule on what's been presented. A gun wasn't found in Mr. Henderson's possession despite the claims of the four eye witnesses, whose validity I question because of the intense emotional reactions I saw right in this courtroom…"

Kendall stared at his lap in shame, face heating and heart beating too fast to be healthy. Gabriel shifted almost nervously at the table in front of him. Sage was still.

"However…"

Elliot breathed deeply, solid face falling before he could catch the sliver of honesty and seal it away again.

"Combined with the defendant's own admittance to pursuing his stepdaughter, I think the tumultuous past and this severe tension between him and the people closest to the plaintiff, the people she's _**chosen**_ as her network of supporters, is sufficient enough to make me believe that Mr. Henderson is capable of posing a threat to her. Her fear, although not fully understood because of legalities that have yet to be sorted through, is genuine in my eyes… It would be best for all individuals involved if Elliot Henderson stayed away."

Sage wasn't breathing correctly, but, for once, it wasn't a side effect of panic. She moved her wide eyes to Gabriel, who grinned like he knew the outcome all along.

Elliot looked right at Judge McHough as if he hadn't heard her or as if what she said meant nothing to him. He didn't even blink when she stared directly at him.

"She left your home years ago. I think she's shown you what she wants… I'm granting the restraining order requested by Miss Henderson." Judge McHough told him softly but sternly. Elliot narrowed his eyes and then dropped them to a random spot on the floor before he said something he'd regret, and then the judge stood up.

"Court is adjourned. Parties are excused." The bailiff spoke clearly, voice full of more volume than Sage had expected. She jumped as everyone started moving, the judge returning to the door she had come from earlier and the stenographer finishing up her work.

"Congratulations, kid." Gabriel bumped his shoulder into hers and smiled triumphantly as he shoved paperwork into his briefcase and snapped it shut. "And, Knight," he added, turning to Kendall with a roll of his eyes when the boy once again hopped over the banister keeping him from Sage again, "you were effective. An annoying loose cannon, but effective."

"I do what I can," Kendall smirked as he pulled Sage into him, wrapping his arms around her snugly and kissing the top of her head. She buried her face in his chest just after she saw Elliot making his exit with his lawyer, both in hushed conversation as Lily followed.

"You were awesome!" Carlos cheered, tugging Sage away from Kendall once the couple had stepped through the partition separating them. Kendall pouted but wound up smiling when Carlos squeezed Sage tight enough to make her laugh as he lifted her into the air.

"Remember, there's still a hell of a lot more to go," Gabriel reminded them dutifully, still grinning when he slid his briefcase off the table and turned to see James and Logan taking their turns hugging their pseudo-sister.

"Yeah, yeah," Gustavo waved him off as he and Kelly stood behind the group, between them and the doors. "You did good, Blondie." He reached out, awkwardly patting the girl on the shoulder after she nestled back under one of Kendall's arms.

"Thanks, boss," Sage sighed and nodded gently. Gustavo took his sunglasses out of the pocket of his jacket and slipped them over his face.

"Kelly, call security and make sure they have the car ready. I want it to be there _**when**_ we step out the door, not a little after," Gustavo ordered his assistant, mushy moment gone and attitude in place.

Security guards and their exit from the courthouse were important, though. They'd have to go through the private entrance because of paparazzi littering the front steps. The public didn't know anything about the case with Elliot, didn't even know who Elliot was, but word got around that BTR was meeting with Gabriel, a high-profile lawyer, numerous times. And the tabloids had buzzed about way less than that before.

"On it," Kelly stared at the ceiling with a smile as she responded to her boss. "Give me a minute to check on the car situation and then we'll all get going," she told the group, stepping forward to give Sage a quick hug before she whipped her cellphone out when Gustavo loudly called her name again from the doorway to the hall.

"You should go too," Sage suggested to Camille, turning to the brunette beside her. The actress stared at her in confusion. Sage grabbed James' wrist, the one attached to the hand holding Camille's, and showed her his watch. "We finished just in time for you to get to your meeting."

Camille's film was doing wonderfully in the box office, and she had an engagement with her director that afternoon about the script for the sequel. She had decided to skip it, though, and go to court instead, much to Sage's disapproval, but no one could argue with Camille.

"I really don't have to go…" Camille shook her head stubbornly, swaying slightly when Sage let go of James' connected arm and its weight swung between them.

"You came, you supported, and I love you, but _**please**_ continue living your life too, alright? You're the star of the movie. Go be dazzling," Sage insisted, pushing Camille lightly towards the door. James didn't argue, even letting her hand go.

"Fine, you win. But I'm coming by 2J later with dinner." Camille pulled Sage into a hug, holding the embrace a little longer than necessary; arms squeezing in silent conversation: "I'm proud of you. I love you".

"Keep bringing food over, and I'm gonna have to start loving you too," Carlos exclaimed, going towards Camille, but James quickly tugged him back by the collar of his shirt, getting possessive.

Camille detached herself from Sage and raised a brow at James, smirking. He just grinned boldly back.

"Anyone wanna place bets on when they're finally going to jump each other?" Logan whispered as Camille left the room.

"I'm going to be the better person for once and not make any comments." James held his head dramatically high and began marching to the doors Camille had exited through.

"I'll put twenty bucks on three months," Kendall mumbled to Logan, who made a mental note of the wager, nodding his head as they followed James at a distance.

"I'd put fifty on tomorrow," Gabriel interjected, having been quiet, and received stares from the entire quintet. "What? The sexual tension is crazy. I know people, and those two are going to have at it." He shrugged and stepped through the group, edging past a scoffing James to go through the door while Logan and Carlos laughed.

"It's like you guys think I have no shame at all. I have _**fuck-loads**_ of shame, okay? I can be innocent! I can be chaste!" James gestured to his body and donned an expression daring anyone to argue.

"I believe you, James," Sage assured him when he pouted after everyone else ignored him and stepped into the hall. She caressed his forearm as she and Kendall moved by. James didn't look very satisfied, like he was hoping for more of a following, but he took what he could get with a theatrical sigh.

"Good."

He went after them, letting the door swing shut behind him, but then he bumped right into Logan. Everyone had stopped, with Gabriel in the lead, because Mr. Quinlan was just across the hall with Elliot and Lily, all standing near the benches the boys had conversed on earlier. The trio began walking towards them.

"The mere idea of rape charges is ridiculous, Adam. You'll get nowhere," Mr. Quinlan claimed with a grin as he brought up the most severe accusation Gabriel made during the hearing. "There was no rape."

Gabriel actually laughed and put a hand out to keep Kendall at bay when he went to lurch forward.

"So you're gonna tell me that your client just thinks of himself as Sage's father-figure? That's not really the picture of their relationship that was painted for me," he chuckled with bravado.

"Anything that happened between them was consensual," Mr. Quinlan countered, just as smug.

"Real cute, Perry." Gabriel rolled his eyes, thinking the man was getting desperate. "She can't consent to sex with an adult at 17… Are you getting senile already or are you just playing dumb with me?"

Mr. Quinlan looked more irritated than insulted, but then that look was replaced altogether with a smirk to match Gabriel's.

"I said nothing about sex. Elliot Henderson loves Sage. Yes, as more than a daughter, but that isn't illegal. They had a relationship."

Sage inhaled sharply, bending forward and feeling Kendall's arm tighten around her shoulders. She breathed deeply, focusing on her shoes as an anxiety attack threatened; realizing that _**this**_ is what Elliot would make his case with. Things like "love" and "care". He was going to make it about emotions and stories, about "he said" vs. "she said", and that was everything that ruined her in her years with him. He always won that game.

"I don't think-" Lily attempted to comment, but Elliot quickly cut her off.

"Lily, you can wait outside."

He turned to his girlfriend, staring at her like he not only forgot she was there beside him but also like he didn't remember she existed at all. His gaze was cold, but not threatening; almost tired and indifferent. Lily parted her glossed lips to argue, but Elliot dismissed the idea before it was even given thought by turning his head back to Sage and Gabriel. Lily clenched her eyes shut and ground her teeth together before spinning on her heels and walking briskly out the main doors, sending a callous glare at Sage over her shoulder right before she was out of her sight.

"You guys seem so in love," Kendall grinned. "You smack her around too?" he questioned as he tugged Sage closer to him by the waist until she was pressed all along his torso, knowing that the proximity and affection would bother Elliot.

"Fuck off, Knight," Elliot groaned, annoyed- not irate like he could have been. It made Kendall want to push harder. He glanced at Logan, Carlos, and James quickly for confirmation, that he was indeed allowed to behave however he wanted for now, and they gave him the go-ahead; twitches of the hands and eyebrows.

"No, I don't think I will. I like the view I have of your downward spiral from here." He persisted with his snarky attitude, placing his cheek on the top of Sage's head. "How's your face doing?"

"You-" Elliot stopped his body from going towards Kendall and Sage with an amazing amount of restraint, something he wasn't sure he had too much of left, and settled back into place when Perry rose his hand. Kendall looked a little deflated; he was just getting started. But he couldn't blame Elliot. The restraining order was official and active after they stepped out of the courthouse. He wasn't allowed to go anywhere near Sage or attempt to contact her, and keeping himself in check right now was good practice.

"You should really learn how to lower the volume on your background noise," Mr. Quinlan remarked to Gabriel, gazing at Kendall, who smiled teasingly in return. He knew the attorney had a sore spot when it came to him because his "noise" helped grant Sage the restraining order. "To take your term from earlier, Adam, this display is nothing but 'cute'. The histrionics will only work so much. So, let me tell your client about the real world…" Perry turned away from Gabriel and stared at Sage. "It's never about what really happened, and how much your heart wants to scream it to the world. It's about what you can _**prove**_. And you can't prove the absurd allegations you're spouting about your stepfather."

"To a jury of his peers? I think we can," Gabriel spoke for Sage, refusing to let Perry get to her. "And we have more proof than you think."

"Like what?" Elliot sighed, seeming unimpressed and weary. If he couldn't talk to Sage, he kind of just wanted to leave.

"Well, during one of your- what I understand to be- _**classic**_ woe-is-me phases, you wrote a letter to the love of your life. Didn't you, Mr. Henderson?" Gabriel wondered, feigning curiosity.

"I don't recall what you're referring to, Mr. Gabriel," Elliot shot back, more alert but unshaken. He knew the letter wouldn't be enough to send him to jail or even get the case to trial.

"Of course you don't," Gabriel chuckled like he was being silly and then brightened. "But a certain private detective, Discher, with an office based just outside of Ramsey, North Dakota, _**does**_. He recalls you asking him to get that envelope to the Palm Woods apartment complex _**very **_well. Oh, and another intriguing tidbit, he also holds onto his old files- the guy's a regular packrat- and there are quite a few captivating reads from when you paid him to follow Kendall Knight."

Elliot had nearly forgotten about the P.I., he stopped using him so long ago, but Sage hadn't; the information the man had given Elliot on Kendall years earlier is what lead to her gaining enough strength to get out. She never knew the investigator's name back then, but Gabriel was every bit as good as he claimed to be, calling in favor after favor and digging around until he got a name. He had only talked to Detective Discher on the phone, and the man was a little skittish about discussing Elliot, but he admitted to delivering the letter when Gabriel asked him directly.

Elliot looked a little nervous, but what he didn't know was that Gabriel was too.

After that initial conversation with Discher, he disappeared. Maybe he was on a job somewhere in the country or maybe he was actively avoiding anything to do with Officer Henderson, but, either way, he was avoiding all calls and attempts at contact. But if they _**did**_ find him again and get their hands on the files he had saved like he said, then the information would be more than enough to hint at stalking and proof of the somewhat-incriminating letter. And that would mean earning a warrant to search Elliot's North Dakota home, hopefully leading to more evidence. All of it would most likely be minimal, but intriguing enough to get them into a trial; where Gabriel and the family of five could fight their battle.

It all hinged on getting the detective.

Elliot stared at Sage pleadingly, taking the bait Gabriel had given him but not necessarily in the way they would have guessed. He didn't care about what evidence they did or didn't have, not really. He was more bothered by the fact that Sage was pushing so hard to hurt him, to keep him away and ruin him. He wanted it to stop. He looked at Sage with so much emotion, so much honesty, that she almost broke. She almost felt a little bad, like she used to.

Mr. Quinlan saw the weakness come over her expression.

"Listen, do you really know what a rape trial is going to be like for you if you go through with this? I can just hear the questions now: Did you and the defendant eat meals together? Talk casually with one another? Watch movies? Sleep in the same bed on a nightly basis?"

He knew more than Sage had thought, but she was sure that it was a twisted version of the actual truth. Regardless, that part of the truth, the part where she started to give in during her captivity, where she had grown complacent and friendly with Elliot at times, was very valid for the trial. Elliot's defense would make it look like they had an authentic relationship. And her answer to all of Mr. Quinlan's posed questions would have to be "yes" under oath.

She exhaled unsteadily, frowning and blinking away tears. The boys immediately gathered closer to her, and Kendall went to go to her defense.

"Back off…" Elliot hissed at his attorney, just as infuriated by him scaring Sage. Kendall bit his tongue, annoyed at the man yet again. He wasn't supposed to come to Sage's rescue; it fucked with her head too much when he was "nice". It made things harder for her. Elliot was just reacting on instinct, though. No matter how it seemed, and no matter how demented, he loved Sage.

It was Gabriel's turn to spot the Achilles' heel of his opponent.

"That, right there," he pointed to Elliot watching Sage with concern, "is why he'll lose no matter what you do," he told Mr. Quinlan. "He's weak when it comes to her. He cares about her. But she's _**done**_ caring about him."

Elliot grew uncomfortable, drawing back with pain in his eyes after the unease faded.

"If you really do care for her, you won't put her through a trial. Confess… I'll offer you a deal and it can all end now," Gabriel suggested, coaxing him gently as he continued staring at Sage, who fixed her focus to Kendall's body beside her.

Elliot remained silent, unmoving, so Gabriel pressed on.

"I'm going to get you, Elliot. One way or another you'll end up where you belong…"

They all waited for him to say something.

Elliot knew what Gabriel said was true, but he didn't quite agree with the exact terms. He knew he'd get his in the end, but he wasn't so sure that Gabriel was going to be the one to take him down. It didn't feel right.

"Just make a deal," Gabriel repeated, raising his voice in hopes of shaking Elliot out of his trance.

The man stiffened, blinked, and just like that he was acting again. He smiled at Gabriel.

"I'll take my chances." He began walking away with one last look of longing at Sage, moving out of the building and into warmth of Los Angeles, clouds gathering in random spots overhead.

He had always beaten the odds before, and he was willing to play them again. He refused to consider, though, that he might be running out of luck.

* * *

Elliot just wanted to be home. He really had no other ideas, no other thoughts. So that was what he did; he went back to Ramsey. He took Lily with him- he didn't necessarily express an invite but rather assumed she'd follow. She did. They packed up whatever they had in Vermont and brought it to his and Sage's house in North Dakota. They didn't use his old bedroom, though, and Sage's remained shut and locked. He kept himself and Lily in the guest room at the other end of the hall that had been previously used for storage. Elliot refused to have Lily in the bed he and Sage shared.

An official investigation was launched against him, with the Ramsey Police Department leading most of the actions. Adam Gabriel had pushed hard like he promised, but they only interrogated Elliot briefly- his lawyer stopped them from doing much else- while they continuously searched for Detective Discher. They needed him in order to actually do something, to press charges or get a warrant to search the house.

Elliot wished he could get his job back, to be partners with Scott Taylor again, but he didn't even try, knowing they couldn't hire him while the rumors flew about the possibilities of secrets between him and Sage. Although, the majority of the department wanted to believe in Elliot's innocence- he used to be their hero, their leader- and Scott was especially supportive. Elliot never said it aloud, but he loved being back and having Scott around him again. Other than Sage, Scott was his only "family". It was nice to have that after the past years of loneliness, to rewind and revert to a time where things were good. The only thing missing was Sage.

He knew his main concern should have been winding up in jail or being under scrutiny for alleged malicious crimes, but he didn't find himself all that bothered by the law. He couldn't bring himself to even fully fake the feelings after having spent years and years covering his own ass with Sage. He was resigned to the fact that whatever happened would happen, and also driven by the confidence he had that Discher wouldn't give him up when it came right down to it. He'd been sufficiently threatening about his privacy to the detective every time they met, and he didn't think the man would risk his personal safety for a stranger like Sage. Elliot felt secure for now.

"Do you wanna go out for dinner tonight?" Lily leaned against the archway connecting the foyer to the living room. "There's nothing in the fridge," she added with a frown, crossing her arms as she looked to her boyfriend.

Elliot sat on the couch, a computer resting on his folded legs and the television on a random channel for background noise thinking that it was better than listening to Lily. He scrolled down the webpage he was on, reading gossip bits and comments on Big Time Rush and Sage; rumors surrounding their much-anticipated second album's progress mixed in with thoughts on their court appearance three months earlier. His own name wasn't mentioned in conjunction with that; no one knew who he was. However, since he left Los Angeles, he'd become even more obsessed with Sage. After he saw her, it was like he'd taken a drug; every fiber of his being telling him to get back to what they had when she was still with him.

"We can just order in. Get whatever you want." He didn't look up at Lily when he answered, eyes remaining on the laptop screen she couldn't see. The girl sighed.

"Are we ever going to leave the house?" Lily wondered tiredly, strolling over and throwing herself down beside Elliot, jostling his body.

"I'm not stopping you, Lil," he replied tersely, navigating off of the page with Sage near the top of it and onto a generic screen with his email. He was a little too late, though.

"Why are you looking at that shit?" Lily's face turned cold, but not in the way his would; she was too insecure.

"I just wanted to see if they've been saying anything about me." His answer was smooth, no hesitation or uncertainty.

"You mean if they're raking you through the mud yet… That bitch is trying to destroy your life," Lily muttered, snuggling more into Elliot. He wanted to shrug her off, wanted to chastise her for talking about Sage so harshly, but he didn't. He needed Lily's support; having her by his side made him look better in the eyes of all those watching him.

"Stop," he mumbled, knocking her arm gently as if she were being outrageous even though _**he**_ was the one who had made up a story about Sage for her; one where his stepdaughter was responsible for their relationship. He told Lily that Sage seduced him, using his desire to take care of her against him. Honestly, saying those things made him ill- he didn't enjoy making Sage seem like the bad person when he knew very well that he was the monster- but he had to feed Lily something she'd believe so that she'd stick around. Their relationship was the only thing that made him seem like a "normal" guy.

"Do you love her?"

Elliot clenched his teeth at the question, sitting up straighter and away from Lily.

"You were right about dinner. We'll go out," he changed the subject, closing the laptop and placing it on the coffee table.

"Elliot-"

The doorbell rang, cutting off Lily's argument, and she let it; pressing her lips together and looking like she was happy for the distraction. She didn't enjoy fighting with Elliot; it always made it seem like they were getting farther and farther apart when she wanted to hold onto him. She didn't have anyone else like him. She left her family in Vermont for him.

Elliot stood and walked through the room and to the foyer as if he hadn't heard her even begin to protest, like the conversation hadn't happened at all. He opened the door after the bell rang a second time, this chime paired with knocks.

"Hey… Scott…" Elliot greeted him with joy for a moment, an actual genuine feeling, and then he trailed off uncomfortably when he saw that his friend wasn't alone.

Officer Taylor stood on the porch in his uniform and had three other officers stationed behind him. None of them looked too happy to see Elliot.

"We were just heading out," Elliot informed Scott suspiciously, eyeing Lily when she came up beside him to see what was going on.

"I have a warrant to search the house." Scott shifted on his feet, staring at Elliot like he was already searching; like, for once, he thought he could be guilty of something rather than being above everyone else. Elliot didn't like it.

"You know judges around here will sign those things just for fun, Scotty," he smirked at the man, raising his arm casually on the doorway to fill the space in front of the officer.

"We found the P.I., Ell," Scott told him wearily. "Discher talked, and a judge gave us the order… You have to let us in. You know how this works…" he made a move to go in, to shove past Elliot, but his strong demeanor faltered and he hesitated with his hand on his best friend's shoulder.

He frowned for a moment of thought, crinkling the signed warrant in his fist, and then swallowed thickly.

"I hope we find nothing… I hope they're wrong… I want it to be a mistake," Scott added more quietly so that the officers behind him couldn't hear, couldn't see his weakness. And then his own suspicion and professionalism was back when Elliot didn't look him in the eye but stepped aside, vision on his shoes as he waved them in.

It was a slow storm after that, building the more the officers searched the home. Elliot stood by, watching and waiting, and Lily looked on with concern and annoyance; not knowing what her boyfriend understood. She didn't know what they'd find.

The first floor gave them nothing, but their search of the second floor found them in Elliot's old bedroom, what he now used as his "office" when he avoided Lily, and everyone's attention was on the safe behind the desk.

"The combination is Sage's birthday," Elliot folded his arms over his chest and sat on the desk top, gazing at Scott as the man kneeled in front of the safe. Scott flinched and then narrowed his eyes at his "friend". He gave up the information so fast, almost proudly, but his voice was calm, perhaps a bit resigned.

After he entered the combination, Scott pulled out a stack of files, gloved fingers flipping through the materials. It was a bunch of correspondences with Discher. He didn't read through them all, but he saw enough to tell him that the P.I. wasn't lying, that Discher's story would most likely be matched with all of the saved discussions about Kendall Knight.

"Pack it all up," Scott ordered one of the men that came with him, clearing his throat when his voice almost cracked. He looked to Elliot again, silently pleading with him to give him an excuse, to explain himself. Elliot said nothing and his arms remained crossed.

Scott grinded his teeth, huffing as he stood up.

"Taylor, the last room is locked." One of the other uniformed officers came into the open doorway. Scott followed immediately, knowing that if he even glanced at Elliot he'd get nothing anyway.

He hurried to the end of the hall, dread filling his gut with each step. He knew the room from having spent many afternoons around the house with Elliot in their near decade of friendship. It was Sage's bedroom, and there was a heavy deadbolt that locked it from the outside.

"What the hell?" he turned to the first person he saw, Lily having kept close behind him the whole way there. "What's in there? Why is Sage's room locked like this?" The woman bit her lip.

"I-I don't know," Lily confessed, squirming where she stood and gazing at the lock. "He won't let me in-"

"You'll have to break it down." Elliot appeared behind Lily. "I have the only key, and I'm not giving it to you," he insisted quietly, a bit of sadness inching in when he actually met Scott's eyes. He was sorry, sorry for deceiving his best friend, but he wouldn't willingly let him into his and Sage's space. It was sacred.

It was kept like a shrine that he never even went in; he couldn't bring himself to do it without her there. The key still hung on a chain around his neck, though; tucked safely beneath his shirt.

"I can't believe you're doing this," Scott grumbled irately. He braced himself, shoulder angled towards the door, and then he rammed into it with his full weight.

Once.

Twice.

The third time was the charm.

The wood around the lock splintered beneath the force of his strikes and the door swung open. Elliot edged past Lily, who was watching with curiosity and slight fear, and he stopped just behind Scott; dying a bit inside to see the environment again.

Sage's room looked just like it did when she left.

The sheets on the bed were un-slept in, having avoided the mattress at all costs, and unused notebooks remained on the desk along the wall. Most intriguingly, there was a trail of dried blood on the floor, a heavy splotch on one side of the bed and lines and drops going to the bathroom on the other side, where there were disheveled medical supplies and more dried crimson smeared along the sink. The handcuffs she had made Elliot use to lock himself to the bars on the window were still there by one cuff, dangling after he had gotten himself free. The knife wasn't on the floor, though. Elliot had taken that away before he sealed the room; a keepsake of sorts.

"Is that Sage's blood?" Scott looked like he was fighting nausea. His question went ignored.

"Are you almost done here?" Elliot wondered, voice so faint he wouldn't have been heard if anyone else was moving. He walked to Sage's dresser, touching the top reverently and then scanning the rest of the room in the same manor without looking at Scott.

The shaky officer went to the nightstand, opening the drawer to search for what the room didn't immediately offer. Scott found the condoms Elliot had put there, not knowing whether it was actually him or Sage that did so but inhaling sharply either way. His fellow officers entered the room quietly, seeming to understand that Scott didn't want to be spoken to, like they shouldn't get between him and Elliot, and they began to take pictures and place items into evidence bags- including the bloody items in the bathroom- while radioing in for a forensic unit to be brought to the scene for the blood.

"Don't touch that!" Elliot raised his voice, making Lily and Scott jump after having only heard him speak softly in the last several moments.

One of the officers was going for a special item on the desk. It was the engagement ring, Julia's old ring that was truly meant for Sage.

Scott ignored him and picked the jewelry box up after gesturing for the other cop to move away. Elliot got closer but stopped when Scott cracked the case open and examined the ring. It shimmered in the light as he titled the box back and forth, demeanor one of bewilderment mixed with disgust. He snapped it shut, eyes going to the blood on the floor one more time.

"I have to take you in." Scott placed the ring back onto the desk.

"Are you serious?" Lily protested shrilly.

"Just get it over with," Elliot sighed, holding his hands out for Scott with a look of disinterest back on his face. "Be ready to bail me out," he ordered Lily, only turning towards her slightly to see her agree without hesitation while keeping the rest of his focus on Scott, who was shaking his head as he snapped cuffs around one of Elliot's wrists. He turned him by the arm and finished cuffing him without a fight. Lily stood to the side with glassy, wide eyes.

Elliot knew that it was stupid to have left the room the way it was, but he didn't care. It _**needed**_ to stay the same. When Sage came back home, it had to be exactly the same for her, like their separation never happened.

Scott led his ex-best friend, the man he thought of as a brother, outside and to his squad car. Elliot had rounds of questioning ahead of him, but he would be offered reasonable bail. While the evidence in the room was disturbing, it only proved deception and foul play, not necessarily rape. And Scott was beginning to think that Elliot would be able to weave a good story for anything. He was beginning to believe, no matter how hard he fought the gossip, that Elliot hurt Sage, the girl Scott looked out for as if she were his niece. And all of it happened right under his nose.

Scott paused, looking at Elliot sitting inside of the car. He was just staring straight ahead.

"I don't-" Scott took a breath. "What did you do, Ell?"

Elliot said nothing, he just kept looking forward. Scott continued anyway, anger in his voice.

"So, Sage isn't lying? You trapped her in that room… You hurt her…" he kept his tone questioning the entire time. He still received no answers, so he pushed further. "You disappear for _**years**_, not even an email or phone call after you said goodbye, and now _**this**_… Just talk to me. You owe me that…"

Elliot finally turned to him, sadness in his eyes.

"I'm sorry," As quickly as the phrase was uttered, his head turned back and his face was once again emotionless.

Scott just looked at him in shock, not sure who he was seeing anymore; not sure what was real. He stepped back and spoke one final time before slamming the car door shut.

"No, you're not."

* * *

"Why the fuck are you guys here?" Kendall almost yelled, but remembered to whisper harshly instead when he saw Sage moving around the store he stood outside of.

"Um, you weren't supposed to catch us…" Logan made the response sound like a question, as if it were a logical answer, smiling awkwardly and scratching at the back of his neck.

"Shut up, Logan!" James hissed lowly at the brunette and then smiled brilliantly. "Kendall, it's so crazy how we bumped into each other! We had no idea you'd be here!"

"In Malibu?" Kendall wondered, lacking amusement as he folded his arms over his chest. "Where you _**knew**_ Sage and I would be for the weekend?"

"No…" Carlos argued with a whine, saddling right up beside James after shoving past Logan.

"Wow, that's rather conceited of you; thinking I'd care enough to know _**everything**_ about your life," James scoffed at him childishly like Kendall was delusional.

"They figured out that you were finally going to propose and I couldn't keep them in the apartment," Logan deadpanned. "They wanted to come spy on you."

"That's a blatant lie! We are _**vacationing **_in, what I'll remind you, is a free country." Carlos bumped fists with James. "And you're one to talk, Logan. You drove us here." He smirked and Kendall turned his glare onto the boy in the background.

"I made a judgment call! They needed supervision!" Logan maintained loudly.

"Ssh! She'll hear you!" Kendall waved his hands at him with wide eyes, peering into the candy store where he had left Sage.

It was one of the smaller shops along the long rows of buildings right near the beach. Sage was talking to one of their security guards, Shawn, near a wall of colored sugars and gummies, helping him pick out something special for his daughter. Their other guard, Bryan, stood a few yards away from Kendall after following him out, hovering by the entrance and smoking a cigarette as he watched the blonde berate the boys in amusement.

This wasn't how Kendall expected the weekend to go. He was finally ready to propose to Sage after holding onto the ring for so long, deciding to make his own as-close-to-perfect moment rather than waiting for one foolishly. He was also determined to be Sage's husband when the trial began, not just her boyfriend. He wanted that piece of happiness for them, and they deserved to celebrate a little after everything they'd been through.

Gustavo and Kelly helped him get the weekend at Arthur Griffin's beach house, a place they had all been together some summers before as a treat- it was an honor among his employees and investments to even see the massive place. Kendall thought about doing it in the apartment or a nice restaurant, but he wanted something special for Sage, different than the surroundings they were used to. It also didn't hurt to relax for a few days.

The stress of an impending trial loomed over them all. Elliot had been arrested the month before, and both his attorney and Gabriel, working with prosecutors in North Dakota, were compiling pieces of evidence and composing their stories for the trial. Elliot was out on bail, staying with Lily in a temporary home- the one he had with Sage became a crime scene- and remaining under the radar. He had abided by the restraining order without fail, which was what his attorney had argued at the bail hearing, so they didn't think he was stupid enough to make a dangerous move like contact Sage or hurt her. The police tried to keep an eye on him when they could, and Scott wanted nothing to do with him anymore.

The family was once again feeling happy and safe. Things were finally looking up.

That didn't mean security became obscure, though. All of them were more at ease with the guards while Elliot was still out. Plus, there was a lot of buzz about the trial in the media and the tabloids. It became public knowledge, and everyone with a camera went after Sage and BTR. However, no official statements were made, Gabriel having advised them to keep commentary to themselves so nothing could be used against them. They shut their mouths, and the hype died down enough to allow them to walk around outside of the Palm Woods without getting mobbed. Things wouldn't get too insane again for a while, when more details of the accusations against Elliot were revealed. So, feeling comfortable, Kendall let just two guards come with him and Sage to Malibu.

They, like they were supposed to, stayed in the background. They didn't interfere; respected privacy. The boys, on the other hand, did not on this particular occasion.

"You guys are gonna blow this for me, aren't you?" Kendall huffed and titled his head almost affectionately at his brothers.

"It's like you have no faith in us," James pouted.

"We just wanted to be close! Plus, we're being super stealthy. Sage is never even going to know we're here until we ambush the beach house tomorrow!" Carlos smiled proudly.

"You're staying the whole weekend?" Kendall rolled his eyes and uncrossed his arms to throw them in the air.

"We got a room at the hotel along the beach," Logan offered, carefully moving a little closer to Kendall while still protecting himself behind James and Carlos. He pointed to the tall, white building near the ocean down the lengthy hill. It was within a reasonable walking distance from the house Kendall and Sage were staying in. "The two super-spies wanted a good place for 'command central'," Logan told him sarcastically, curling his fingers in the air at the ridiculous words.

"Well, you guys make really _**shitty**_ spies. I know you've been following me for an hour." Kendall smirked when Carlos and James looked as if they'd been stabbed in the heart.

"43 minutes, actually." Logan cowered again when Kendall glared.

"For your info," James began haughtily, "Bandana Man was born to be a spy."

"Who's Bandana Man?" Kendall quirked a brow in interest.

"Duh, _**me**_," James grinned and waved his wrists in Kendall's direction, showing him the two purple bandanas wrapped around his limbs.

"Sure…" Kendall breathed out, looking to Logan, who just shrugged. "Do you have a new name too?" he asked Carlos.

"They're not new names. They're _**code**_ names," he clarified.

"He's El Hombre Del Flaming Space Rock Man!" James announced for him excitedly. Both he and Carlos rotated simultaneously and pressed their backs together, striking poses akin to Charlie's Angels.

"Why didn't you pick a shorter name?" Kendall squinted at Carlos, brow furrowing.

"Why don't I just rip out my own liver?" Carlos squealed in despair, staring at Kendall like he'd singlehandedly took away his happiness. "He doesn't get it at all." He sulked, turning to James for consolation.

"It's okay, buddy. He's gonna be a married man soon. He doesn't have to be cool." James patted Carlos on the back, instantly cheering him up.

"And what's your name?" Kendall questioned Logan, preparing himself for more asinine behavior.

"Logan," the boy answered as if Kendall had lost all of his brain cells.

"As per usual, Logie didn't want to be awesome with us and have a sweet-ass spy handle." James rolled his eyes.

"We call him Dr. Downer when he's not listening," Carlos added, snickering with James.

"Hey!" Logan cried indignantly.

"Lower your voice," Kendall got closer to the group, nervously grabbing Logan's shoulder as he looked for Sage through the store window. She was still at the back of the shop with Shawn, putting pieces of taffy in a bag.

"Stop freaking out. She won't see us," James declared, yanking off his sunglasses and situating them on the top of his head.

"_**I**_ saw you," Kendall argued.

"But we were being so inconspicuous," Carlos defended them, pressing his back against James' once again as if it proved their point. Kendall just stared at them levelly.

"You've practically been walking around with a neon sign over your heads. You talked to fans, took pictures with them, and signed autographs on the sidewalk _**right**_ outside the restaurant during lunch! Sage must have gone blind or something. I really don't know how she didn't see you."

"I saw them. I just didn't wanna burst their bubble. They were obviously spying," Sage interrupted, startling the boys. Kendall and Logan yelped, but James and Carlos recovered quickly.

"See? _**She**_ gets it!" Carlos smiled cheekily. "What's _**your**_ problem, Kendall?" he asked his bandmate with a juvenile tone. Kendall gave him a stern look, causing Carlos to take a step back. "He made fun of my code name," he added in a whisper for Sage's benefit.

"What is it?" she inquired casually, like this was all normal behavior, uncurling the bag of taffy she held.

"James is Bandana Man, and I'm El Hombre Del Flaming Space Rock Man." They posed again. Sage giggled, and right then Kendall softened, thinking that the whole ridiculous ordeal was worth it.

"It's _**very**_ you," Sage commented, holding out the bag of candy for Carlos. He dug through and removed a pink piece.

"That's what we thought!" Carlos agreed, biting down on the taffy and yanking it away from his teeth.

"Oh, candy!" James hopped forward and stuck his hand into the bag to tug out an orange piece and immediately chew on it loudly. Kendall, despite the noise, considered it a win; it would keep James quiet for a while. He was worried that the more time the outrageous twosome spent around Sage the greater the chances of them spilling the beans about his proposal. They had almost blown it in the courthouse months earlier.

Sage held the taffy towards Logan, who looked doubtful about taking one in fear of Kendall.

"There's lemon…" Sage suggested with a grin.

"Sorry, Kendall," Logan caved at the mention of his favorite flavor and quickly took a piece, falling in line with the other two boys chewing happily.

"Good, you guys got sugar. You should go now," Kendall suggested cheerfully, waving them away.

"Aren't you three going to come back to the house with us?" Sage wondered.

"No!" Kendall and Logan yelled, Logan spitting his candy on the ground when he almost choked on it.

"And they're worried about _**us**_?" Carlos laughed in disbelief after he whispered to James.

"Spazzes," James concurred just as hushed after swallowing his taffy, leaning down to be level with Carlos. Kendall and Logan sputtered for a retort to Sage, who watched in confusion. James, of course, stepped in.

"We're gonna bust your little vacation up, but not tonight. We got a room at a hotel…"

"And we plan on ringing up the room service bill so high that our stomachs explode," Carlos finished eagerly, popping the rest of his food into his mouth and instantly going to Sage's hands for a second piece.

"Right along with Gustavo's head," Logan muttered about the man who would get that bill, eliciting laughter from Kendall and Sage.

"So, uh… You two lovebirds go and be… lovey," Carlos instructed, pointing to Sage and Kendall. "And call us whenever something… cool happens; if there's anything you wanna… tell us…"

"Or something shiny you wanna show us…" James added, both grinning and emphasizing their words, voices rising and falling. Sage stared at them like they were speaking another language.

"I really am sorry… I should have locked them in the apartment," Logan mumbled, hanging his head right beside Kendall.

"Forget about it. They would have just snuck out and flown in a damn hot air balloon or some other crazy spy-related thing just to get here if you weren't the one to bring 'em," Kendall admitted softly, resigned to his fate.

"Okay," Sage said to Carlos and James, dragging the two syllables out curiously.

"Great!" Carlos cheered, diving in for a hug. "Love you!" he squeezed her and rocked her back and forth.

"L-Love you too," she patted his back, returning the hug as he swiveled her around. She stared at Kendall over his shoulder for an answer as to why they were being so weird, but her boyfriend just shrugged, lifting both palms into the air in a cheesy fashion. Logan copied him.

"Yay for love!" James cried, coming behind Sage to join the hug with the force of his body jostling them both. Carlos didn't seem to mind, catching them on his feet by widening his stance but not moving his arms, and Sage blew out a heavy breath when she realized that the embrace wasn't coming to an end.

"Are you two alright? You're acting more strange than usual. It's like you-"

"They're fine! Group hug!" Logan jumped in loudly, cutting off Sage's train of thought and hooking his limbs around James and Carlos. He widened his eyes at Kendall, darting them to the huddle. The blonde's face went slack.

"Seriously?" he whispered to himself and then turned to their two guards. Shawn was chewing gum and Bryan was stomping out his cigarette. "Why didn't you guys stop this before it started? You're supposed to keep people away from us…" he complained immaturely, only getting chuckles in return.

"Kendall, I'm not feeling the love over here!" James shouted.

"You're gonna feel my fist on your face in a second…" Kendall grumbled as he sauntered over to the four, stopping at Sage's free side- most of her was still blocked by James and Carlos' arms- and hugged them. He actually didn't mind the family moment, but James and Carlos didn't have to know that.

"Ow!" James mouthed at him when Kendall pulled his groomed hair after several seconds of hugging, jumping away from the boy with a grimace as he patted down the locks.

"Now that that's over, we should be going," Kendall slithered his arm between all of them to put it around his girlfriend's waist.

"Okay, but are you guys sure you don't want to come to the beach now?" Sage asked, getting three vigorous shakes of the head in return.

"Nope, we'll see you tomorrow to celebrate," Carlos insisted and Logan slapped his palm to his own face.

"Celebrate what?"

"The fact that it's Saturday," Logan replied smartly, keeping his expression calm.

"It's one of the best days of the week," James nodded.

"Sure…" Sage smiled awkwardly and turned to Kendall. "We're gonna find out what the heck's wrong with them eventually, right?"

"We always do," Kendall assured her, laughing under his breath as he kissed the side of her head. "We'll see you guys tomorrow, then, at a _**reasonable **_time," he told the boys, knowing that they were pretty sure he was putting the engagement ring on Sage's finger that night and already antsy to congratulate them. He was almost confident that, if James and Carlos had their way, they'd be at Griffin's house at sunrise.

"No worries. There's a breakfast buffet at the hotel. We'll be there for a while," Logan grinned at James and Carlos, the latter smiling widely at the idea of rows of bacon and pancakes.

"Maybe he'll fall into a food coma and then they won't come until _**way**_ later," Kendall murmured to Sage teasingly, already beginning to tug her away from the others and down the sidewalk. She turned back to wave one more time, Logan smiling softly and Carlos and James returning the gesture so fast that she was worried their hands would fall off.

"Why are you so intent on keeping them away?" Sage laughed in disbelief, lifting her hand up to touch the one Kendall had at her shoulder while they walked, Shawn and Bryan close-but not too close- behind.

"Is it such a terrible thing to have alone time with me?" Kendall joked, nudging her in the ribs and leaning down to playfully bite at her neck just below her ear. "Besides, we'll see them tomorrow, like every other day. One night's not gonna kill any of us," he added with more laughter.

"I guess…" Sage agreed reluctantly, looking over her shoulder along with Kendall to wave at the boys one last time before the trio began walking in the opposite direction, although they were pretty sure that they saw Carlos make a run for the candy shop before Logan could grab him. When she focused on Kendall again, she smirked. "And I _**do**_ enjoy alone time with you…"

* * *

"We should do this 'alone thing' way more often," Kendall panted the sentence out heavily, inhaling and exhaling as he tried to catch his breath. Sage wasn't having a much easier time of it, and it probably didn't help that he was on top of her.

"Agreed." She separated the two syllabus of the word, shivering beneath Kendall before he slid off of her and onto the empty stretch of blanket to her right.

He shoved himself back into his swim trunks, cock still slick from both of their releases, and then he pulled down the skirt of her sundress for her to give her some semblance of decency even though they had all but trashed that word given their public surroundings, but no one else was on the beach but them in the middle of the night. Shawn and Bryan were stationed far away, at the front entrance to the mansion, so it felt as if Sage and Kendall were the only two in the world.

Sage gasped when Kendall donned a smirk and ran his fingertips near her bikini-covered entrance with fondness, missing when the fabric had once been pushed aside to open her up for him.

"Wh-What was that? Like, three times? Are you aiming for a fourth?" she smiled tiredly, biting her lip when he pressed a little harder between her legs, the pad of his middle finger searching out her sensitive nub through the damp fabric. Her thighs clamped around his wrist as she hummed, hands shaky while she pulled up her dress to make sure her breasts weren't exposed anymore- Kendall liked seeing as much of her as he could when they made love; it gave him more to grope and kiss.

"Actually, it was six for you. I'm _**that**_ good," Kendall praised himself for the multiple orgasms he doled out during their evening together, pressing just once more on her clit before retreating and smoothing her skirt down again.

"Thank you, but I'm starting to get a little dizzy, so keep your hands to yourself for a while," she ordered, going for strict but landing somewhere near entertained.

"These hands?" Kendall smirked and rolled over onto his side, tickling at her ribs and pulling her close to him as she laughed and struggled.

He wound up hovering above her again, leaning on his elbows and looking down at her face as they tried to steady their breathing. The waves crashed behind them on the shore in what seemed like a steady pattern, soft trickling after every gush of water blasting against the sand, and the moon was full above their heads, mixing with the stars to create gentle light over Sage's face.

"Do you still wanna have kids?" Kendall asked quietly and suddenly, running his index finger down Sage's cheek, which moved beneath him as her eyes widened and her mouth opened.

"Right _**now**_?" she exhaled heavily and smiled in bewilderment.

"No, just… in general," Kendall laughed, sliding to one side of her so he could relax his arms, leaning up on one elbow along her body. She rolled over to face him.

"Of course… Probably… somewhere down the line…" Sage shrugged, eyes cast downward in thought.

"You never hesitated before when we talked about this…" Kendall accused delicately, busying his hand with finding the pendant hanging between them off of her neck, the silver heart sliding toward the blanket because of her angle. He brought it upward, tracing the shape with his thumb. They hadn't fully discussed having children since before they were separated, before everything got blown apart and they had to piece it together again.

"I want us to have a family, Kendall. I just worry about Elliot. What if he's not in jail? What if the trial doesn't go like we need it to? He'd be pissed if I had a child with you..." Sage's demeanor grew grim, watching Kendall's hand on the pendant.

"We'd make it work, though. We always find a way," Kendall pushed, glancing up at her. She softened at that, nodding slowly but still saying nothing. "You know, even if Elliot winds up a free man, I'll always protect you… I'd do anything for you."

"You scare me when you say that." Sage grinned, but it was weak.

"Why?" His lips curved in return.

"Because I know you mean it," she whispered.

She slid her hand up to close around his and the necklace, almost frowning as if Kendall protecting her wasn't a good thing; wasn't the right thing or the sane thing.

"Are you really in that big of a hurry to have a baby?" Sage inquired after a silent moment, her smile growing more genuine. Kendall smirked.

"No…" He leaned forward to kiss her forehead. "I'm just thinking about the future." His hand released the jewelry in favor of settling along her hip, holding on tightly as he lied down on the blanket and yanked her with him, settling her body on the top half of his. She put her chin on his chest, looking up at him.

"Good," she shut her eyes with a serene expression. "It's nice to remember that we have one of those."

It was hard to do lately, with so much going on; so much of the past taking over the present.

"We do," Kendall agreed before turning lighthearted. "And it's gonna be full of babies."

"How many kids do you think I'm carrying for you?" she joked, cracking her eyes open and narrowing them up at Kendall.

"It's gotta be three; one for each uncle. You know they'll fight over him or her if there's only one," Kendall declared and Sage chuckled.

"I don't think you're giving them enough credit. They're perfectly capable of sharing; Logan will groom them to be a genius, Carlos will groom them to be willing to try anything twice, and James will just plain groom them," she insisted with a grin.

"I could definitely see that happening… So, what would be left for _**us**_ to do?" Kendall stared up at the sky while Sage did the same by twisting around to lay with his arm beneath her head. He wrapped it around her, his hand caressing her furthest shoulder.

"Mhm… Well, between them and the doting Grandma Karen and Grandpa David, plus the superhuman Aunt Katie, I'd imagine that we'll be the ones to potty train them, feed 'em, discipline them…"

"No fair. We're gonna have to be the bad guys and do all the dirty work," Kendall pouted.

"It would be worth it," Sage argued softly, watching as a plane blinked overhead, soaring to the east. "Do you think I'd be a good mom?" she asked faintly, working her bottom lip between her teeth.

She didn't really have parents for half of her life. Julia died too young, and before then she struggled to make a decent living for her and her daughter. And Sage didn't even want to think about what kind of "parent" Elliot was. The only good thing she had was Karen, who had all but taken her in permanently with a warm heart and an open mind. She hoped she could live up to that, to raise children as wonderful as Kendall and Katie.

"You are the strongest person I've ever met. You're wonderful and kind, even to the people who don't deserve it… So, yes. I think you'd be a good mom. The best. There's not a single doubt in my mind." Kendall said it all so easily.

Despite the fact that she still held her own doubts, Sage looked at him lovingly.

"Thank you," the words came out in a whisper, full of emotion and holding back tears.

Kendall smiled and held her tighter against him as she laid back down and relaxed with him. They gazed at the stars for a while, content and peaceful.

"We should head up and shower…" he suggested after a loud wave finished echoing off the rocks around them.

"Who are we trying to impress?" Sage laughed but sat up, reluctantly letting go of Kendall, who grinned.

"No one, smartass. It's just getting cold, and we're all sandy… And I may have a gift for you," he finished mischievously. He wasn't nervous about proposing- Sage would absolutely accept- but he was excited, giddy like a kid waking up on Christmas morning.

"I guess we could get up for presents…" Sage stood, dusting herself off while looking at Kendall suspiciously. "If I asked a question about this 'gift', you wouldn't give me a straight answer, would you?"

"Of course not," Kendall replied merrily. He jumped up and grabbed her by the waist, sliding an arm down to her thighs and hoisting her up to carry her, causing her to giggle. "You're just gonna have to be patient."

They wound up taking that shower- together- and Kendall didn't rush. It was like heaven, spending time under the warm water with Sage, kissing and running his hands over what he could call his while she ran her own over him until the liquid got chilly. He had relaxed with every caress and peck of the lips, but he got jittery again once they were finished and back in reality, jumping out of the shower before Sage and drying off hastily as she rinsed the last of the soap from her body.

"Where's the fire?" she called over the shower, turning the knob to shut off the lukewarm water.

"I gotta set up your gift. And there's no time to waste. It has to be tonight if the three stooges insist on visiting tomorrow," Kendall grinned at his own phrasing, grabbing the jeans he left folded by the sink and sliding them up his legs after his boxers, zipping them and buttoning them haphazardly. Sage stepped out of the shower, smiling in thanks when Kendall met her with a towel.

"Visiting? Kendall Knight, there's no way you're actually going to make them stay at that hotel all weekend while we're in a mansion by ourselves," she tilted her head in reprimand, trying to keep a straight face even though Kendall was rubbing the towel along her arms and torso as she stood still.

"It has five stars and a breakfast buffet…" he debated. She just blinked at him. He huffed and rolled his eyes. "I already texted Logan after we ate dinner and told them to bring all their bags and crap when they come tomorrow."

"Great," Sage kissed him softly, holding up her arms when Kendall nudged them to wrap the towel around her. "I don't really understand what it is, but they seemed _**super**_ excited about being here…" Her face scrunched but Kendall kissed the wrinkle between her eyebrows away.

"They're always super excited about one thing or another," he dismissed their antics and tucked one end of the towel over the other near Sage's collar bone, ignoring the you-don't-have-to-help look she was giving him. "Listen, I need you to dry your hair or something. You gotta give me ten minutes for the surprise." He stuck his thumbs up, already knowing what her reaction was going to be.

"Now it's a '_surprise_'? You're not doing something ridiculously romantic are you?" she raised a brow and sighed.

"Maybe…" He lifted his shoulders towards his ears and put on the most adorable smile he could muster.

"Kendall," she dragged his name out as he rubbed up and down her chilled arms. "Don't tell me there's gonna be flowers and chocolate out there..." She stared at him like she really meant "blood and terror".

"Nope," he reassured her brightly. "But there might be candles," he added quickly.

"God," she groaned and frowned.

"Deal with it," he argued in amusement, tilting her chin up to kiss her softly.

"Whenever you do things like this, I feel like I owe you something…"

He knew that, by "things", she meant "things she didn't deserve".

"You owe me nothing, okay? Just be with me forever and we're even," he told her playfully, pecking her lips two more times before pushing himself away as she nodded to appease him.

He got to the door, opening it and slipping through before popping his head back in.

"I _**will**_ take more sex, though." Kendall pointed at her with a mock face of seriousness, wringing a giggle from her.

"I'll see if we can work something out," she was the one to stick her thumbs up that time, and he grinned from ear to ear.

"Remember, at least ten minutes!" he shouted after disappearing from view again, going to shut the door behind him. "You'll like the surprise! I swear!" he added, voice getting faint as he moved further away and deeper into the bedroom.

"I'm trusting you!" Sage laughed fondly, shaking her head at her reflection.

She was glowing, happy and calm- it felt like she hadn't been distressed in a lifetime- as she dried her hair like Kendall had ordered her too. She took extra time, blowing the hot air against her already waterless locks lazily and combing them extra once she shut off the noisy machine. She slunk into a pair of underwear and a bra deliberately slow, eyeing the clock to give Kendall a few extra minutes for whatever he was planning- he seemed to have a lot invested in it- and then slipped on the silk robe she had left hanging on the back of the door.

"Ready or not, here I come!" Sage called out as she moved through the master bedroom slowly with a smile. Kendall wasn't in there, nothing had been touched; suitcases still in the corner and their cellphones on the nightstand.

The hallway was dark and still too when she walked down the long corridor, seeming endless compared to the one in 2J. She passed door after door; guest room, bathroom, storage closet, and a narrow staircase to the game room in the basement. Then she found herself in the main area of the large house, an open kitchen leading to a sitting space with windows all along the wall showing a view of a pool and the beach right below.

"Wow, you weren't kidding about the candles," she laughed, searching for Kendall in the space.

It was dim, gold light flickering from the flames littered around the tables and a solid pale blue coming from the moon outside. She couldn't see her boyfriend anywhere.

"Ken-" the name caught in her throat. Her emerald eyes widened, emotion gripping at her and mixing with an old friend: pure fear.

She saw his legs first, jean-covered calves just visible in front of the couch. She rushed then, running to get to Kendall. He was unconscious, breathing but bleeding from beneath his head, crimson gathering behind his towel-dried hair and onto the rug below in a tiny puddle.

"Kendall!" she called his name loudly, moving to crouch in the tight space between the coffee table and the white sofa, nearly on top of him.

Sage just reached him, one hand on his bare chest and the other sliding up to his neck, before she was torn away. She thrashed immediately as arms gripped her waist. She knew them too well, that skin and those fingers and muscles were etched into her memory forever.

Elliot whispered in her ear as he placed a chloroform-soaked cloth over her mouth.

"It will all be better when you wake up. I promise…"

Those were the exact words he said to her the first time he did this.

It was a lie then, and it was a lie now.

* * *

**A/N: I'm sorry for the cliffhanger! (But not that sorry, because I actually love a good cliffhanger lololol) But I hope you guys enjoyed it? And I PROMISE I'm going to make sure that the next chapter does not take me as long to get up as this one. I can't say exactly WHEN it will be up, but keep an eye on Saturdays as always :) There's some... angst planned lol  
**

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this chapter :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I appreciate any feedback and I love meeting fellow readers/fans of BTR. Don't be shy :) **

**The support for this, even when it's been a while since the last chapter, has been AWESOME :) I'm always glad you enjoy reading, and I really, REALLY, thank you for the care and patience and feedback :)  
**

**See you next time! :)**


	55. Big Time Decision

**A/N: Here we go! The ACTUAL full chapter 55. I know it's been a couple of months—college is good for the mind but a dick when it comes to recreational time—but I'm REALLY glad to be posting again. And I'm VERY excited to keep sharing with you. I missed you guys, the interaction, the funnnn ;)**

**Because it's been a while, I'm just placing the last piece of the PREVIOUS chapter, which ended on a cliffhanger, in case you want a refresher :) But other than that, PLEASE ENJOY the new installment. **

**And don't forget how much I love hearing from you guys. Feedback makes the really long hours, the epically long and difficult Saturdays full of work, more than worth it lol :)**

**...  
**

_It was dim, gold light flickering from the flames littered around the tables and a solid pale blue coming from the moon outside. She couldn't see her boyfriend anywhere._

_"Ken-" the name caught in her throat. Her emerald eyes widened, emotion gripping at her and mixing with an old friend: pure fear._

_She saw his legs first, jean-covered calves just visible in front of the couch. She rushed then, running to get to Kendall. He was unconscious, breathing but bleeding from beneath his head, crimson gathering behind his towel-dried hair and onto the rug below in a tiny puddle._

_"Kendall!" she called his name loudly, moving to crouch in the tight space between the coffee table and the white sofa, nearly on top of him._

_Sage just reached him, one hand on his bare chest and the other sliding up to his neck, before she was torn away. She thrashed immediately as arms gripped her waist. She knew them too well, that skin and those fingers and muscles were etched into her memory forever._

_Elliot whispered in her ear as he placed a chloroform-soaked cloth over her mouth._

_"It will all be better when you wake up. I promise…"_

_Those were the exact words he said to her the first time he did this._

_It was a lie then, and it was a lie now._

_…_

**And now, on to the new stuff :D**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**_-waterwicca_**

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CHAPTER 55: BIG TIME DECISION

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Kendall's head ached with a hot pressure at the back of his skull that spread forward every time he took a shallow breath. His eyes refused to open, lids too heavy and confusion too thick for him to find control. Awareness came slowly, slinking along his skin and through his muscles at a snail's pace. The world seemed to have a pulse of its own. Everything moved beneath him, his bones vibrating at a rhythm just off the tempo of his heart. He turned his head with a groan, the back of his neck warm—sticky with something—and stiff. His chin was pressed down against his bare chest, too weighty of a pull for him to lift it before his head lolled back into place.

A crackling noise began making its way past the pounding between his ears as he found enough strength to get his eyes to open. The first thing he saw was his lap, still covered in his jeans like before—before _**what**_ exactly, he couldn't quite grasp. He forced his vision a little higher, making it to the edge of his knees to see the carpet situated lower beyond them. He was sitting up, not lying down. That wasn't right, was it?

Closing his eyes again when he felt a bout of vertigo settling over him, Kendall remembered leaving Sage with a kiss and a smile after their shower. He remembered digging out her engagement ring from the duffle he had in the corner of the bedroom and pocketing the box. He remembered rushing around on shaky excited legs to light candles in the living room to set a romantic tone. He remembered thinking Sage would call him a sap for it. He remembered the way his heart clenched and his hands itched to hold her as he lit the last wick.

Kendall remembered a sound. A shuffle. A step. A sharp and sudden pain at the back of his head pairing with the crack of his skull meeting stone.

He had hit the ground, body failing him with the blow. He mustered up enough energy to turn onto his side after he couldn't get his arms to push himself anywhere. He had seen someone standing there, seen a pair of black boots. He saw a small but hefty marble statue, which he was sure had come from the foyer, in the attacker's hand, hanging still but firm at his side. The man had stepped closer then, his boots barely making a noise before one connected with his shoulder to turn him onto his back. That's when Kendall's heart pumped faster. That's when he caught sight of the intruder's face.

"Elliot." Kendall whispered the name, minimal volume and strength to his voice, but that was secondary to how the word felt coming out of his mouth. It was restrained. He tasted cloth, a gag.

Confusion now fading, his blood pumping quickly due to adrenaline and fear, Kendall twisted his head to the right. His neck still protested the movement but he ignored the ache of his muscles and opened his eyes again only to immediately shut them when an orange glow assaulted his vision. It was too bright, like firecrackers going off in his head. He squinted more cautiously to observe his surroundings. The orange assailant had been a fireplace, burning strongly with kindling cracking as the flames ate away at it. It was then that he realized he was in their bedroom of the beach house instead of the living room, and the only light in there was from that fire and the moonlight coming through the length of windows on the wall to his left.

Kendall's head still hung low but he blinked rapidly to encourage his eyes to stay open. He hadn't even tried moving the rest of his body yet, a part of his brain only now allowing him to remember it was a possibility. When he did try, though, he found that he couldn't. Not because of his own strength, which he was glad was returning with his alertness, but because of two thick cable ties keeping his wrists against the arms of the chair he sat in. The furniture was made of iron, and it didn't belong in the bedroom. It was from the patio outside. Kendall attempted to pull his hands away from the chair, but he didn't get far. The ties only tightened, pushing his skin against the cold metal underneath and chafing the rest surrounded by the sturdy plastic.

He groaned through the gag that was around his head, trying not to panic as he struggled against the restraints, realizing that there was one at each ankle too. He needed to get out. He needed to save Sage. Elliot had to have taken her once Kendall was out cold. He didn't know what time it was, or how far they could have gotten by now.

But Kendall soon learned that they hadn't gone that far at all. Dragging his head upward, painful but manageable, Kendall spotted Sage on the bed in front of him. He shouted her name, a sound inaudible because of the fabric in his mouth. But when he noticed that she wasn't moving, he screamed even louder to no avail, struggled harder against the ties with no progress save the start of a good amount of damage to his flesh.

Sage was unconscious, stretched out on the mattress above the sheets and wearing a silk robe from the bathroom. Unlike Kendall's, her legs were free, but her wrists held the same fate as his own. They were bound above her head with black cable ties attached to two rails of the carved, wooden headboard.

Kendall's confusion was back as he tried to breathe normally, dizziness sweeping through him as he jostled around in his chair. Sage shouldn't have been there. What the hell was Elliot planning?

"Sage!" Kendall tried again with similar muffled results, but he was even louder this time, stirring her from her sleep. He wanted to say so much more as she whimpered when she extended and bent her legs slowly in disorientation. He wanted to hold her, to kiss her and tell her things were going to be okay. He wanted to lovingly shush her when she groaned and opened her eyes, tugging deliriously on her restraints. But Sage was on her own. Kendall could only watch from an agonizing distance—so small yet so large.

The amber glow of the fire danced across her calves as she squirmed, her eyes blinking and staring at the ceiling. Her breathing grew labored when she seemed to come to her senses, and her tears began almost immediately, a whine followed by stifled gasps of anxiety bubbling up when she made an attempt to yank her hands away from the headboard.

"No, no, no…" Sage sobbed, her vision locking onto her wrists and her body writhing on the bed.

Her shoulders rose off of the mattress only to fall and put her right back in a vulnerable, prone position. Her glassy eyes focused on Kendall when she looked down at the foot of the bed, but instead of stilling or speaking to him, the view seemed to only throw her deeper into a fit of hyperventilation. She hissed as she tugged harder on the plastic holding back her hands, her head resting against the carefully placed pillows beneath it as she examined the bindings. Sage pulled against the headboard with all of her weight, trying to drag herself down the bed, but the ties only cut into the bottoms of her palms, whitening and then reddening the skin and causing her to cry out and arch her back upwards. She didn't stop, though, even when Kendall began more attempts to call to her, to pull her through her waking nightmare.

"Sage, stop it..." Elliot appeared, stepping in swiftly from the hallway. Kendall thrashed in the chair, but Elliot didn't even look in his direction. He made a beeline right for the bed, resting one knee on it and grabbing at Sage's forearms. "Calm down and breathe, sweetie… Please… You're gonna hurt yourself," he chastised her, voice careful and soft—the fact that Kendall could call it "soothing" made his blood boil. One of the last things he had ever wanted to see was Elliot on a bed with his girl. It was like a sickening glimpse into what was surely a daily occurrence in his year without her, a glimpse into one of her greatest phobias their family had worked so hard to overcome. It was something that she should have never had to experience again.

"What's happening? What a-are you doing?" Sage mumbled, words disjointed and her entire body shaking when Elliot's hands touched her. His palms slid up her arms and his fingers closed around her hands, ending her efforts to dislodge herself from the headboard. Her entire frame went rigid, her movements still other than the rapid shake of her head from left to right and her mouth uttering inaudible pleas—for what, Kendall couldn't quite make out. He imagined it was for freedom. For an end to all of this.

"I just want to talk," Elliot whispered, cautiously letting go of her hands and bringing his own down to her face when she didn't continue her writhing. One thumb traced a line on her left cheek, smearing away falling tears, while his other fell to her collarbone, the tip grazing the silver of her necklace before jerking back like it had burned him.

Sage inhaled loudly, feeling the same.

"I need- We need to figure some things out…" Elliot began again, shutting his eyes to regain his senses. When he opened them, they were clear brown, boring into shifting and moist emerald.

Sage's entire body was trembling, but she stayed still with Elliot's hands on her—waiting.

"I missed you," he added softly. His hand smoothed its way back up her neck, caressing the side of it and braving the feel of the metal on his palm in favor of having her skin against his again. Sage swallowed thickly, jerking away but not making it far.

Kendall growled and shouted ineffectively. Elliot ignored him, but Sage finally looked at her boyfriend, finally took a really good look at the way he was held back, at the way he appeared too small. Too far away, too weak. Nothing was how it was supposed to be. Nothing was like it was just hours before.

"You weren't supposed to leave the state…" It was all Sage could think to say as she desperately tried to make sense of why Elliot was there. She stared back at him, the sight of Kendall too much.

It was conflicting, not matching up with her world quite right anymore. A large half of her was in Ramsey, with Elliot touching her in her bed, and a smaller, weaker half of her was in California with Kendall and the family they created years later. Both worlds were fighting to exist inside of her at the same time, a battle that would surely end in disaster.

"None of that shit matters. You and me, _**that**_**'s** what matters. It's all that ever mattered." Elliot shifted higher onto the bed, sitting beside Sage with his back to a grumbling, relentless Kendall. Like his stepdaughter, Elliot was shutting him out. "There's nothing for me back in North Dakota. Scotty is… He knows who I am now," he stared at his lap, playing with his hands and wishing he could hold Sage's. He couldn't untie her, though. It was too risky. He needed to be in control. He needed time. He needed her. "Lily's gone, too. It's just me and you now." Elliot said it as if it were a reassurance.

"What did you do to her?" Sage's tears had ceased as she tried to regain a sense of tranquility within chaos—the process was an old friend.

"I didn't do anything," Elliot hissed, like she had insulted him. "She left after she bailed me out."

"Because you hurt her…" Sage assumed, voice softening with guilt and tears threatening to return. She didn't know Lily, but she did know that she was innocent in all of this.

"No! I'm not like that!" Elliot argued, not enraged but offended and exasperated. Lily had walked away from him after everything she had seen in Sage's room. She knew he wasn't well, that he wasn't the person she should be with, and Elliot hadn't countered her argument. He wasn't entirely stable. He was a monster. But he was tired of hearing it, tired of being reminded.

"You're not? Then what is _**this**_?" Sage asked, looking around the room in disbelief of the situation. "You hurt everyone you touch, Elliot. No one's safe…"

Sage dropped her head down towards her chest with a weak sob, wishing she was wrong, wishing for security. Then something occurred to her.

She _**did **_have security.

"Shawn! Bryan!" she screamed the names of the two guards, filled with sudden hope. She knew they had stationed themselves at the gate of the property after leaving her and Kendall once they completed their day touring the Malibu streets. They were just down the driveway leading to the mansion. It was a longshot, but if they heard her, then-

"They won't come," Elliot informed her gently. Sage's shouting stopped along with Kendall's reinvigorated efforts at the reminder of their hired safety. "They would have been in the way…" Elliot explained even quieter, staring at a point above Sage's head rather than in her eyes. He didn't want to see the anger and nausea there as realization dawned.

"You didn't..." Sage shook her head, choking back a sob as she fell limp against the bed.

"I had to," Elliot maintained while wiping the palms of his hands on his jeans.

Sage cried, turning her face into her upper arm and ignoring the burn at her wrists from the ties. Everything was out of control. Shawn and Bryan had families. They were people almost completely outside of the drama of Elliot, and they paid the ultimate price for her anyway. This wasn't how things were supposed to happen.

Before tonight, Sage was beginning to feel like she had power, like she had actually gained the upper hand when it came to her life. She worked hard and did the right thing by finally trying to make Elliot pay for everything that he had done. All she needed to do was make it through the trial, to try to win. Elliot had robbed her of that chance now. He took everything into his own hands as usual. He made all of her time, effort, and hopes seem like illusions; like she never even left him.

Now, as he sat beside her, it was as if they were "home" again.

"Why did you come here? Why didn't you just run?" Sage whispered once she settled down, Elliot waiting patiently next to her. Kendall still sat at the foot of the bed, head hung low and breaths heavy while his hands continued to move against their restraints. The struggle was less now, almost instinctive rather than purposeful.

"I couldn't. I need you." Elliot shuffled forward, getting higher on the bed and closer to Sage as he caressed her face again. The movement had Kendall's eyes on them. "I can't be- You're supposed to be my whole life, Sage. No one else—nothing else. It's been that way for nearly a decade."

Sage shook her head from side to side, sending Elliot a stern glance and pushing away his hand.

"No. If you just-"

"Stop it! You always do that. You always want me to change!" Elliot shouted, causing Sage to flinch violently, eyes squeezing shut as her stepfather stood up from the bed suddenly. Kendall's struggles held more wrath as Elliot paced the length of Sage, head in his hands. "I can't, okay? I've tried already!" He stopped beside her and rubbed at his eyes. "I've tried," he said again, softer this time before finding his strength. The changes, the swings in his mood were happening so fast; faster than Sage had ever witnessed. "And now I'm done trying. Nothing works. The only time I like myself is when you're with me…" Elliot reached out for Sage, sliding his knuckles up the stretch of her arm, stopping at the ties on her wrists with a distant look.

She was everything to him. She was the only thing that made him human. He had no right to give her that responsibility, but Sage felt it anyway. She felt the severe weight of it, and it left her searching for serenity. A piece of her, a sliver that stuck with her from her time in Ramsey, knew that serenity was all Elliot wanted too.

"You believed me before," Elliot murmured, his touch falling away from her. "You believed how much I love you. You understood who I was, what we were…" He stood rigid, straightening his shoulders. "I want you to understand again, and no one is going anywhere until you do. You have to come with me," he begged with earnest eyes. "Leave him here," Elliot added with a glance at Kendall.

"Is that what this is? You want me to choose?" Sage looked at him in shock, finally understanding his intentions.

Elliot nodded and then continued.

"We have to do it over again. Last time didn't work because I forced you. I took you away from him… but this time will be different. This time you'll choose me, and then you'll have no reason to leave again... This is the only way to make it right…"

Elliot paused and watched her intently, watched her as she seemed to consider what he was saying.

"We can go anywhere you want. Start over completely..."

His voice drifted again when he saw her eyes shift to Kendall and then back to him. Elliot knew she was worried about what would happen to him in all of this.

"I won't- … I won't kill him. If I was going to, it would have been done already," he assured her, looking to Kendall coldly.

Elliot had actually been around California for a couple of days. He had forced restraint on himself, feeling a blinding anger whenever he saw Kendall and Sage together while he waited for the right time, a time to set his poorly constructed plan into motion.

"Besides, you'd never forgive me if I got rid of him." Elliot's jaw clenched as he turned back to Sage. She tore her gaze away from him, agitated with herself for understanding him, for believing him. "I just need you to pick me this time, and everything will be okay again."

"You just murdered two people, Elliot. You need help…" Sage began slowly, trying to appeal to the humanity he had inside of him.

"It doesn't matter."

"It should! It used to…" she argued his indifference with disbelief. Despite faking her mother's suicide, Elliot used to respect his position as a police officer, a hero. He confided in her about that numerous times during their year together. Killing strangers was something Sage never considered he'd do, and she wasn't sure Elliot ever had the thought either no matter what he boasted to scare her.

"Just…" Elliot started, closing his eyes with a deep breath, "… Just talk to Kendall. Say goodbye," he told her, like she had already decided to go. Sage let her tears continue as Elliot walked to her boyfriend. He tugged the gag out of Kendall's mouth, unleashing various obscenities that had been boiling up.

"You've finally completely fucking lost it," Kendall laughed, coughing as a steady stream of air filled his lungs.

Elliot paused halfway to the door, having been resigned to ignoring him. When he looked to Kendall, though, his eyes were ablaze, like he had been waiting for a trigger to strike the fire, waiting for an excuse to dissolve his act of indifference and sainthood that had been put in place for Sage.

"This isn't going to work. Sage will never pick you. You're insane," Kendall continued relentlessly. Sage whispered his name, as if to make him stop, but it went unheard. Kendall couldn't tear his focus away from Elliot once he had his attention.

"_**You're**_ fucking insane if you thought I'd let you have her," Elliot darkened, stalking to the middle of the room and ripping a velvet box from the pocket of his jeans. It was the engagement ring he had taken from Kendall once he was knocked out.

Elliot admired the box with a grin.

"You think I'd let you marry her?" he shouted with a laugh before chucking the case at Kendall, making a nasty thud when it connected with his ribcage moments before it hit the floor. Kendall tried to look up and make eye contact with Sage, but Elliot was in his face before he could blink, towering above him.

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize that I needed to ask for permission, _**Dad**_," Kendall spat, refusing to flinch when Elliot bent forward.

"Keep being a little bitch; it doesn't matter." Elliot smirked. "I'm the one in control now." He reminded Kendall of that fact by gripping the blonde's wrists, squeezing the plastic ties even tighter against the tender skin. "No one is coming to save you this time."

"The guys know where we are. They're gonna be here tomorrow morning," Kendall warned him, betraying himself with a flinch when his right wrist began to sting, the flesh tearing.

"Then I guess you have until then to get Sage to make the right decision, or your friends will die just like your guards." Elliot smiled when the boy's façade dropped. He leaned closer, putting all of his weight on Kendall's arms. "I'm done playing, Knight. Fucking _**done.**_" He pushed away, feeling satisfied when Kendall groaned at the shove to his wrists as he walked out of the room.

Kendall immediately restarted his struggling, figuring the worst was over when it came to his abused skin. He was getting used to the pain now.

"Don't let him scare you, baby. We're getting outta this shit and leaving _**without**_ him," Kendall told Sage, not looking up from his arms, glaring at them as if he could weasel his way out of the ties if he studied the predicament long enough. When Sage only responded with silence, he ceased his efforts. She was simply staring at him.

Her look was blank, causing fear to roll hotly in his stomach. He hadn't seen that amount of distance inside of her in so long.

"Sage?" he called to her delicately, expecting her to startle, but she just regained her focus, a spark of life coming back into her eyes.

"You were gonna propose." Her voice was stronger than he imagined it would have been, and she smiled. It was small, tired, but there. Kendall mirrored it.

"Yeah…" he sighed, looking in the direction of the fallen ring box.

"The candles were cheesy," Sage chuckled softly, but when Kendall looked back at her she was crying. Her smile was still in place, though, as she pulled against her binds.

"Candles are not cheesy. They're romantic, and I'm a romantic kind of guy," he countered teasingly, no real energy behind the words. He felt drained just looking at her struggle, knowing it was more internally than externally, and, for once, he couldn't tell what was going on in her head. "I had a whole speech planned," he continued, watching as she kept pulling, leaving him unsure as to whether she was even hearing him. "I'd say it now, but… I think I'm gonna save it for a better time," he laughed bitterly.

"If there _**is**_ a better time," Sage spoke, giving up her fight and collapsing against the pillows. She looked to the window, watching the sky glow with moonlight and the flashing of a passing plane. She bit her bottom lip as her hands clenched and unclenched, keeping up their circulation and trying to stay calm despite the fact that this dilemma was too familiar to her; feeling trapped and helpless.

"Sage, you can't- Please don't talk like that…" Kendall begged. His fingers itched to reach out for her, to touch her and calm her, to be her cure.

Sage didn't turn to him for a little while. She merely looked out the window instead.

"I thought I could- but I'm not-" she shuddered and exhaled slowly, squeezing her eyes shut as she turned to Kendall again, moisture gathering at her already-damp lashes. "I'm barely hanging on, Kendall…"

"No," her boyfriend immediately shook his head and writhed in his chair, newer blood lacing the ties at his wrists. "Stop it. You'll be fine. I'm gonna figure out a way to get us out of this, and then we can go home. You can talk to Logan. You'll feel better… Things will get better," Kendall mumbled his last words, biting back a shout when the pain below his hands was becoming too much. There was no give in the ties, no room to pull out from under them, but he didn't want to stop. Sage was fading, and he needed her to keep going; he needed her to fight.

"What if we're better off apart? What if going with him is the right thing to do?" To Kendall's dismay, there was no fight in her words, only hints of resignation.

"You're letting him get in your head again…" he advised her fervently.

"He's only going to let this end in one of two ways, and you, Logan, Carlos, and James dying is _**not**_ an option I want to keep on the table," Sage reasoned.

Kendall almost expected her to tell him that he was right, to agree with him. He wasn't prepared to be met with dispute. He and Sage were always supposed to be on the same page.

"But ending _**your**_ life is up for grabs?" Kendall's newfound frustration and confusion fueled his words.

Sage looked perturbed. She was unsure of what to say because "yes" was the answer hanging on her tongue, but she didn't think Kendall would even hear it if she gave it voice.

"We have to consider that me leaving with Elliot could be what's best for all of us as a family," she maintained calmly, trying not to let her volume match his own.

"No, we do _**not**_ have to fuckin' consider it!" Kendall didn't seem to hold the same self-control. "Why are you so willing to walk into hell? Why do you think you deserve to be alone?" he wondered irately, his aching neck tensing with the rest of his muscles.

"Because I keep hurting you! I keep getting us into shit like this!" Sage exclaimed, no longer holding herself back as she attempted to look right at Kendall from her position. "Elliot is _**my**_ problem. He's _**my**_ sickness, and I'm spreading it everywhere I go…"

"That's too goddamn bad, Sage. If I wanted you gone from my life, I would have given up on us years ago. Stop trying to make sacrifices for us, making decisions for us-"

"Why? _**You**_ do it all the time."

Kendall froze. Sage fighting against him wasn't something that happened often. They never fought, not really since Ramsey, not since their first major setback when Sage insisted they separate.

"But I- That's different." Kendall's jaw tightened and his shoulders leveled as he raised his head to gaze at Sage more directly.

"How?" The word trembled out, her eyes on the verge of shedding tears again, but her irritation still remained. "You always try to save me. You try to protect me from everything. How do you think that makes me feel?"

"Sorry for caring," Kendall rolled his eyes with a huff, thinking how terribly fucked up things had gotten. They should have been attacking Elliot, not each other.

It was quiet for several moments before Kendall dropped his head down and shut his eyes.

"I know how it makes you feel because I feel the same way right now, like you're going to make your choice without me. Like you're going to decide what's better for us… for me..." Kendall pulled his vision up towards the ceiling with a humorless smile. "And the last time you made a choice like that, you became a hostage. You became Elliot's fucking toy."

Sage made a strangled noise from the back of her throat as her whole body flinched at the truth, something that was usually sugarcoated by Kendall, layered with too much understanding and too many soft touches to mask what was really there.

"Sage, I'm sorry. I didn't-" Kendall was immediately regretting it, eyes wide, but Sage stopped him.

"It's okay," she whispered, soft but sure.

"No, baby…" Kendall continued with intent, "I was a dick," he added before relaxing, thinking while watching her watch him in turn with an unreadable expression. "I'm just… You were right back then. I knew that—that's why I left. But this is different. You know what you're getting into now. You _**can't**_ go with him."

Kendall kept watching her with an ache in his chest, wondering if she was still there, if she had heard him. Her gaze slid away, focusing on the fire near him instead. She was distant again. Kendall could feel her retreating, miles stretching between them and him without hands to keep her close.

"You're not a dick," Sage eventually murmured. Kendall grinned, but he was alone in the action.

"We'll agree to disagree." He forced his tone to be light, hoping to wring a look of brightness from Sage again. He received nothing. "But, the rest of it…" he bit his lip, becoming serious, "…you understand, don't you? You know leaving with him isn't the right thing to do?"

Sage appeared to be thinking again. Kendall had wanted some sort of quick answer—reassurance. Her muteness was scaring him more than her tears.

"Sage-"

Her name barely left his lips before he was interrupted.

Elliot had returned, his swift appearance stopping Kendall from continuing his pleas for something he couldn't quite place. He sighed, his brow furrowing while Elliot went straight for the bed.

"Did you decide?" he asked, full of expectation as he stood beside Sage.

"She's not going," Kendall insisted when Sage only slowly turned to stare at Elliot without a speedy response.

"I'm pretty sure that I wasn't asking you..." Elliot strode over to him, his glare hard as if he'd forgotten Kendall's existence. The blonde protested with curses and painful twists of his neck as Elliot re-gagged him. "Did you decide?" he wondered again, turning his back on the boy to look at Sage.

She replied with a period of silence, so thick around Kendall that he could feel it thrumming against him, making him shake and his head swim.

"I decided years ago," Sage insisted weakly, glancing past Elliot to Kendall for a brief moment, and then her eyes were back to a random spot in the room. Elliot pinched the bridge of his nose before taking a calming breath.

He sat beside her on the bed, jostling her body. She went rigid, and her lips pressed together tightly, but she didn't move as he pulled himself to the space of headboard beside her. He was slouched with his shoulders against the wood, positioned slightly higher than Sage. He folded his hands over his abdomen, and then everything was quiet. Sage didn't pay attention to him, intentionally looking out the several windows on her right instead, trying to wish him away as he sat there in thought.

A few minutes ticked by, and then dozens more.

Kendall didn't know if Elliot was thinking, planning, if he was waiting Sage out, or if he had just lost it entirely, but he kept vigil on him the whole time. He watched every move Elliot made, which only consisted of the rise and fall of his chest.

"What makes him so special?" Elliot's voice broke through the stillness of the room, careful but curious in nature, his usual malice not evident. His brown eyes were on Kendall, who scowled, and then he moved them to Sage. "Completely disregard the fact that I'm your stepfather. What's wrong with me?"

Sage clenched her teeth and turned away from the vulnerable look he gave her. It was what always got to her, always pulled and poked and prodded at her until she cracked from the inside out.

"Kendall never forced me to love him. He's fought for me every step of the way," Sage responded as she compelled herself to stare up at Elliot.

"I've been fighting for you since I met you…" he argued resentfully, lips curling downward.

"You killed my mother in that 'fight'," Sage reminded him tiredly, done being angry without the strength to do so. Elliot's countenance became somber.

"Why can't we erase it all? Be different people?"

"It doesn't work like that. Love doesn't work like _**this**_." Sage pulled at her binds, thinking that she might be able to get him to see the truth. She knew he cared, and she had used it against him before when she needed to, so maybe she could manage to do it again.

"But we did work… before…"

Sage deflated visibly, her head falling back.

"We were a couple. We were _**good**_. You were happy… I know it."

She opened her mouth to argue but bit her tongue when Elliot reached over to brush a strand of hair from her face.

"You'd just… You'd look so content when you were out of your room. The way you'd talk with me, sit with me… It was normal. It was nice… I never had that before," he spoke faintly, smiling when he pulled back to look at her as he recalled his fond memories. "I even started doing some of my paperwork at home just so we could spend more time together. You would sit in the living room with me while I worked—you were always writing." Elliot sat up, twisting to see her better. His face was bright, alive. "You're so beautiful when you write, the way you hum to yourself… The way, when you get stuck on something, you put your pen down and bring all of your hair over to one shoulder," he reminisced, reaching out to touch her blonde locks again, his fingers dragging down to her collarbone. "You play with the ends and bite at your lip..." Elliot's thumb dragged across her chin, tracing just below her mouth. Sage was still, her stinging eyes shut. It was tragic just how fragile and ultimately distorted a mind could become. She remembered those days just like he did. She remembered them as if they were occurring right now.

Elliot broke out of his trance, turning back towards Kendall when the boy grunted through his gag.

Kendall hated hearing the man's memories. He hated hearing proof that Sage and Elliot were, in their own fucked up way, together. They shared private moments, moments between lovers. Elliot saw even the smallest details that Kendall thought were his and his only. He kept wanting to believe that Elliot was blind, only creating a reality from within his mind, but he wasn't. There were tangible things he held on to, some of the same things Kendall gripped with an iron fist.

"Sunrise isn't too far away," Elliot said as he rose from the bed. "You two should probably talk some more…" he added more reluctantly, but he still had a lightness in his step as he walked over to Kendall. He slipped the fabric from his mouth, turning to leave again, but he stopped mid-stride when Kendall spoke after clearing his throat.

"I feel sorry for you."

Instead of anger like the last time, Elliot's stare held amusement. He folded his arms across his chest.

"For _**me**_?" he eyed the bloody ties around Kendall's wrists.

"Yeah, for you," Kendall's gaze held an amusement of his own. "I know what it feels like to love someone, to have them be your everything. Sage knows that feeling too. It's why she gives a shit about you, but those feelings—her 'everything'—isn't _**you**_," he insisted with a smirk while Elliot's fell. "You can try to make her forget about me if you take her away. Maybe with enough brainwashing I'll eventually become a blurry memory. But you will _**never**_ get to know what it feels like for her to _**really**_ love you back." Kendall blinked up at Elliot, studying him for a moment. "So, yeah, I feel sorry for you, Elliot," he ended more solemn, more sympathetic, than he began.

"You think you're so fucking great?" Elliot shook his head with a snarl. "I was here first! You took her away from me! You ruined everything!" He spun to face Sage. "Tell him! You fuckin' tell him that we had something real in that house. We were happy. Tell him what we had!" he ordered, voice bellowing across the room. Sage flinched and whined, squirming with no actual purpose.

"I already know." Kendall gladly jumped in. "I know what you forced her into."

"N-No," Elliot hissed, pointing at Kendall, arm rigid as if he was struggling to stay put with every muscle in his body. "It wasn't like that. It wasn't like that a-all the t-time." He was breathing heavily when he focused on Sage again. "You said you loved me. You're not a liar."

Sage's lips parted but words failed to come as her eyes filled with more endless tears. She didn't know what to say, what was right.

"She told you what you wanted to hear," Kendall insisted, taking the attention off of his girlfriend.

"Shut up! Just shut up!" Elliot rambled, rushing to Kendall only to strike him across the face with the back of his hand. Kendall's vision glazed over with darkness, and he was almost sure he was going to black out because of his previous head injury, but he regained his focus after a few beats of his heart were heard echoing in his head mixing with shouts coming from Sage. She was yelling his name, and then calling to Elliot.

"Don't! Please!" she cried hysterically.

When Kendall looked up, he realized what had changed. Elliot was pulling a gun out of the waistband of his jeans, having once hidden it beneath his shirt. Now it was pointed right at Kendall's chest.

"I won't forgive you!" Sage screamed, one of her own wrists releasing a thin trail of blood as her ties dug in. Elliot paused, the wild look in his eye faltering. "You were right before. I wouldn't forgive you…" Sage said, taking in air and releasing it almost just as quickly.

Elliot stood motionless, holding his breath, but then he let it go. He put the gun back into the waistband of his jeans with clenched teeth, but Kendall still couldn't relax. His eyes stayed trained on Elliot, who hadn't walked away. When he reached back again, Kendall thought he had changed his mind about the gun, but then Elliot dug into his pocket and pulled out a knife.

The blade slid into view, and Sage's sobs got louder.

"Oh, god…" she whimpered, gasping for oxygen at the sight of the knife that made her life hell—her knife—the one that drew her blood too many times. Her heart felt like it was going to fail when she thought about it near the love of her life.

Kendall's attention was torn from Sage's distress when Elliot blocked his view of her completely and bent forward, one of his hands firmly on Kendall's arm like it had been earlier in the night and the other holding the knife between them. He twisted Kendall's forearm, making more blood seep out from beneath the cable tie on his wrist. Elliot forced the limb around until he could see the black tattoo, the replica of Sage's pendant.

"You act like a saint, but you're just a fucking smartass," Elliot spat. "You're no better than me. You_** are**_ me." Sage begged for him to stop, but he didn't hesitate in his speech, his eyes going to the tattoo etched into Kendall's flesh. "I'm just trying to keep what's mine. That's what you do, isn't it? You fight? You refuse to back down, no matter what the cost? If you were in my position, you'd do exactly the same thing." Elliot squeezed Kendall's arm, being sure to damage the tissue beneath the skin enough to cause nasty bruises where his fingers were placed.

"I'd let her go," Kendall ground the words out, his shoulder shrugging as if to throw Elliot off, but he had no leverage.

"Like hell you would." Elliot tightened his grip. "You'd kill for her. You'd hold on to her because, like me, you know the world is dark. You know people get lost if you don't grab tight enough, don't think fast enough, don't feel hard enough. That's why you need the fire you have, that blaze you never let die in that thick skull of yours." He lifted the knife, jabbing the dull edge of the hilt against Kendall's forehead. "If you give up control, if you give up the fight, everything might slip away just like the things you lost before you got strong enough to keep them."

Kendall titled his head, drawing back from the weapon.

"I'm _**not**_ you," he asserted shakily. His adrenaline was pumping rapidly, everything quivering with no way to release his energy.

Elliot tried to grin, but his mouth was set in a solid line as his jaw clamped together and he grabbed more steadily at Kendall's arm. He brought the blade to his skin and traced the edges of the tattoo, drawing the heart, the "S" and then the "K" without breaking through the flesh.

"You don't deserve her," Elliot whispered before cutting a line diagonally through the symbol, quick but deep, loving how the boy's head flew back with a shout of agony.

"Kendall!" Sage cried out his name, wanting it all to stop.

Kendall just breathed through the pain, and then he spoke again.

"I still pity you." He smiled as he bled, crimson staining his arm as it poured and he regained his senses. Elliot grew rigid again. He was the one doing the cutting, but Kendall wouldn't stop poking at him. "You're only pushing her farther away." Kendall looked over Elliot's shoulder at the sobbing proof tied to the bed. It physically hurt him to see Sage like that, but he kept his face neutral. "All of this is ridiculous. What the fuck are you hoping to get from it? Murder charges? A girl who hates you for the rest of her life? You'll never be happy…"

"Will you, _**please**_, shut the fuck up?" Elliot's voice got louder with each word as he pushed himself away from Kendall and re-gagged the hostage before he could say anything else. Kendall fought him the whole way, but it was useless. "Sage loves me. We're good together," Elliot informed him icily, spinning on his heels.

Kendall's eyes widened, and he began shouting, pleading for Elliot to stop when he realized what the man intended to do. He had taken the knife with him as he walked towards Sage. And, with that, Kendall had no more words, no more witty taunts. He only felt sickening fear.

Elliot climbed on top of the bed, crawling up it to get to Sage. Her first instinct was to get away, but her body had given up on that endeavor in the beginning of the night, so she followed her next impulse: she froze. She subdued completely, muscles lax and arms limp around her head, but she couldn't stop her tears. They flowed relentlessly down her face, Elliot tasting the saltiness when he pressed his lips to her cheek. His hands pulled at her robe, slipping it open and revealing her underwear and bra beneath. She whimpered, her body quaking against her will, when his palm met the flat of her stomach.

Kendall wanted to look away and pretend it wasn't happening, but he forced himself to watch as he kept yelling and pleading. He forced himself to watch what he had caused. He didn't care if he was bleeding, didn't care if he was in pain. His whole point of existing was to put everyone else's pain on himself, and now his stubborn mouth had inflicted agony on the person he loved the most. He struck the match that ignited the fire inside of Elliot head. Kendall was starting to understand Sage's point of view more clearly, starting to understand the guilt she felt for Elliot's choices.

"You love me…" Elliot insisted vehemently, breathing against Sage's neck.

When she cried out again at his weight shifting above her—she couldn't tell where he ended and she began because everything was blending, blurring—Elliot faltered. His mouth hung near her skin, waiting for something. She only continued to let her tears fall.

"This isn't right." The hand he had on the bed, trapping the knife beneath his palm, tightened into a fist. "You're not supposed to cry," he reminded her with a mumble. She couldn't stop, though. She was too aware of the way Kendall was screaming through his gag at the foot of the bed, too aware of the way Elliot felt on top of her "_**You're not supposed to cry!**_"

Elliot shouted over them all, grabbing her by the side of the neck as he straddled her. Sage turned away, and Elliot growled, raising his blade into the air. She saw the glimmer it made in the corner of her eyes right before she shut them. Kendall's heart paused, pain ripping through his chest at the same speed he saw the knife rise up and then disappear towards Sage where he couldn't see.

Then everything stopped; Sage's crying, Elliot's yelling, and Kendall's protests.

"You're not supposed to cry…" Elliot murmured again, climbing off of Sage.

Kendall let out a sigh louder than most of his shouts when he saw the knife sticking in the headboard near her arms and her body physically intact.

Sage was hyperventilating as she regained the ability to breathe, her exposed abdomen rising and sinking repeatedly in short intervals. She whined and scrambled away as much as she could when Elliot's hand went near her chest, but he glided his fingers upward and clutched at her necklace. He yanked it from her neck with one hard pull, leaving her to feel more naked than she already was. He held it tightly for a moment and then chucked it to the floor in the next, moving to jerk the knife from the wooden board behind Sage when his hand was free. He deposited the blade onto the nightstand with a clatter.

"I'm sorry," Elliot uttered, dropping to his knees beside the bed, resting his arms on the mattress by Sage's side. "I'm so sorry," he repeated as he looked up to her. Tears were in his own eyes as Sage stared in apprehension. "It's him, Sage. It's Kendall," he insisted, refusing to look at the boy. "He drives me crazy. He never- He can't see us like we really are…"

Elliot rose, edging up onto the bed. He placed himself next to her, his head on a pillow and an arm circling her waist. He kissed her shoulder, moving slowly so he wouldn't scare her, like the action was an apology all its own.

"Remember how we used to do this? How you used to share my bed at night... Remember how you cared about me?" Elliot questioned, his body trembling unevenly against Sage's, almost just as rickety as she was. Elliot hugged her snugly against him. Sage shut her eyes, memories flooding in like tidal waves attempting to drown her. "You loved me." He kept his tone low, shutting his own eyes, feeling her along him, calming him.

Sage lay there, staring at the ceiling, listening to her own breath, mingling too close to Elliot's.

Kendall could be heard panting through the fabric in his mouth. His demeanor plummeted into darkness at the sight of Elliot with Sage, at Elliot's display of power. Kendall was used to pushing the man, begging for a reaction without really getting one. Now that he'd acquired it foolishly, he regretted it, regretted witnessing that evil force turn on Sage because of him.

He had never grasped just how delicate the balance inside of Elliot was and what the consequences would be for tipping the scales.

Sage should have cried—she should have said something—but all she did was gaze upward, staring at the white above paint until she heard absolutely nothing. She felt nothing. Everything was static. Elliot didn't even move, thinking like she was; thinking about things that never should have been but somehow still were.

She didn't know how much time had passed before she moved her eyes away from the ceiling, but the fire was almost only embers, and the sky was morphing into hues of dark blue, undoubtedly fuchsia in the horizon. Sage looked to Kendall, who caught her eye right away, like he had been waiting the whole time. They stared in silence for a while, Elliot still unmoving beside her save for his fingers tracing the faintly ridged line of a scar—one he had left years ago—on Sage's hip.

Kendall ignored everything but her, ignored his jealousy and ignored his rage. And when he stared into her eyes, he wasn't calmed by the soft green like he normally was. He was terrified by what he saw there.

Distance. Detachment. A lack of hope. Final resignation.

His own eyes widened as he began shaking his head forcefully, disregarding the pain and vertigo it brought on. He had to beg her in any way that he could, with everything he had, to stop going in the direction he knew she was. Her vision towards him became even more clouded as she scanned his bloodied arm and his disheveled appearance.

"Elliot…" the noise she made was small. To Kendall's ears, she sounded like a stranger. It made his eyes burn.

Sage didn't flinch at all this time when Elliot made a sudden move to sit up beside her.

"What is it, sweetie?" he asked with expectation, his expression light and his lips curved upward. What Kendall saw as defeat in Sage, Elliot viewed as acceptance; as a win.

Sage parted her lips only to seal them again several times, really thinking about what she was going to do. She wanted some control back. When Elliot had it, he always lost it by making it spiral out of his own grasp. It got too dangerous. People bled. People like Shawn and Bryan. People like her mother. People like Kendall.

"If I leave with you," she began, throat dry and the last of the ache in her chest turning to numbness, "you promise that you'll _**never**_ come back here? You'll never hurt James, Logan, or Carlos? You'll never hurt my friends? You'll never hurt Kendall?" Sage stared right at him, blinking slowly, forgetting the room around her; forgetting her binds and forgetting Kendall's screams and his free-flowing tears.

"I'd forget they ever even existed," Elliot promised, nodding with a wide smile. He was so relieved. He _**needed**_ this, needed for her to come to _**him**_. Even if it wasn't entirely her will, he needed the illusion.

Sage stole another glance at Kendall, only getting to the edges of his face before she had to rip her gaze away when the burn in her chest threatened to come back. She looked to the ceiling again, the whiteness—the nothingness.

The night had been so long, filled with hours of yelling, tears, and arguments. And, yet, nothing had been accomplished. Day was now beginning to break and Elliot's threat to take James, Carlos, and Logan's lives was imminent.

She knew that she had to make a choice. She knew what she had to do in order to stop everything, to put an end to years of pain and suffering.

"I'll go."

* * *

"Someone get the phone!" Logan shouted, a hand covering his eyes as if it could block his ears from the incessant ringing around him.

The bedroom in the hotel was dark, but blue flashing lights came from down the hall through the open door and they felt white-hot to his waking eyes. He hadn't necessarily intended to fall asleep, but he dozed off when he was about fifty pages into a book he found left in the nightstand by previous residents—reading was reading, no matter what the subject, and Logan figured it was better for his mental stability compared to a full night of cheesy sci-fi movies with James and Carlos. The book, which, as it turned out, wasn't all that much more stimulating than television, fell to the floor with a thud when he rolled onto his side.

"It's right next to you, genius!" Carlos screamed back, partially drowned out by the volume of the TV he and James were viewing in the main area of the hotel suite. They had refused to sleep, too excited to get news from Kendall that he had finally proposed to Sage.

Logan's brow furrowed as he slid his palm down his face, cracking his eyes open to see his own cell lighting up on the table beside him, chiming again and again at maximum volume. He shook off the last of his disorientation with a yawn and sat up, legs swinging over the bed and feet hitting the floor. The extremely early morning hour that appeared on the clock behind his phone made him pause before reaching out to grab the device quickly, his mind churning with more concentration. When the caller ID read "Adam Gabriel" he answered it without hesitation.

"What's up?" he wondered warily, hoping the lawyer was travelling, maybe in a different time zone and not caring to acknowledge the difference for a general call.

"Is that really how you answer a phone?" Gabriel's sardonic but playful voice was gruff, tacking on a mumbled "kids" that was more than likely paired with a roll of his eyes.

"You're the one calling me at five in the morning, Gabriel," Logan sighed and rubbed at his eyes as he stood up, stretching his free arm into the air and releasing tension from the muscles in his back.

"Whatever."

Logan snickered at the dismissive tone he'd call equally as childish as Gabriel made him out to be, but then his face went blank when the lawyer's attitude changed.

"Listen, kid, I have some bad news."

"Shit," Logan muttered as he made his way out of the room. He knew that his and his family's 'bad news' tended to be worse than most. "Did something go wrong with the trial setup? I thought everything was going according to plan..."

"Yeah, it was. We were as golden as we were gonna get," Gabriel maintained, "but having no defendant is kind of messing things up."

"What?" Logan stopped walking a few feet down the hallway between him and the main area of the suite, fear running through him.

"Henderson jumped bail. Officer Taylor called me as soon as they found out," Gabriel began to sound as tired as Logan had been. "He does a random check every few days, goes to the house where Elliot is supposed to be... He was there for the last check on Tuesday morning, but this weekend he's a no-show. The dick bag probably ran to Canada," Gabriel added disdainfully.

"What happens now? What does that mean for us?" Logan scratched at the back of his neck and continued walking, making his way towards James and Carlos. The television they were watching was blasting an ill-composed song, something that aimed for tension and intrigue during the credits of a horribly directed alien invasion-themed movie. Logan preferred it, though, to the sound of Carlos squabbling with James.

"A whole _**town**_ thinks you're wrong!" James insisted from his end of the couch, his lower back pushed against the arm of the cream colored furniture. His stretched out legs met Carlos', which mirrored his position. Both wore boxers and t-shirts and had darkening circles under their animated eyes.

"What town?" Carlos inquired with folded arms and his chin high.

"It's called Jamesville. Population: Me." James jutted both thumbs in the direction of his wide, triumphant smile while Carlos frowned.

"Authorities are looking for him right now. He's officially a wanted man, so that works in our favor, I guess," Gabriel explained to Logan, who struggled to hear over the ruckus.

"You're stupid. You don't own a town," Carlos snorted. James grimaced and then brought back his snarky smile.

"If I did, you wouldn't be allowed in it."

"Hey!" Carlos pouted and turned to Logan, who had walked up behind them with his hand placed against his ear. "Logan, tell James that he has to let me in Jamesville!"

"Sssh!" Logan waved them off with a glare.

"I don't think there's too much to be worried about. You guys have security and, starting today, every cop in your area is on alert for Elliot. I pulled a few strings to make sure his picture got around," Gabriel almost sounded like his usual cocky self, but something was off to Logan. His voice wasn't carrying as much confidence as it usually did.

"I can see it now…" James egged Carlos on, ignoring Logan as he held his hands in the air, spreading them in opposite directions with a dreamy look. "There's gonna be a huge-ass sign right at the entrance. It'll read: 'Jamesville. No Carlos allowed. Suck it.'"

"You suck it, Diamond! I'm gonna get my own town and you-"

"Both of you shut up!" Logan interrupted the idiotic quarrel, startling his two friends.

He dug through the mess of abandoned room service trays and garbage on the coffee table to find the remote, shutting the television off—that irritating song was still marching on—and tossing the device onto the loveseat not occupied by the boys. He ignored their looks of shock and strode to the window as Gabriel spoke to him. The slowly rising sun in the distance was barely brightening the view, but from his location his could still see the shoreline where Sage and Kendall were staying just a few minutes away. All appeared peaceful, most of Malibu in the middle of slumber.

"Everything should be fine. Someone's gonna find Elliot and turn him in," Gabriel answered.

"Is that them?" James gasped in excitement and spun in his seat, settling his feet onto the coffee table and gripping the arm of the couch with both hands to look at Logan.

"Did he propose? Can we go over now?" Carlos squealed, both he and James assuming Kendall was calling after they had waited all night in anticipation. He hopped off of the couch and rushed over towards Logan, ungracefully climbing over James' legs to get there. When the spirited brunette kicked at the back of his thighs intentionally just to get a rise out of him, he glared but dismissed it in favor of reaching for Logan's phone. He was denied with an elbow to his torso.

"I said zip it," Logan reminded them both without glancing away from the window.

"There's one more thing…" Gabriel told him, that odd edge creeping back into his voice.

"What is- Wait…" Logan began but stopped abruptly, something occurring to him amongst the chaos. "Why did you call _**me**_?" he stepped back from the spotless glass, eyes dropping from the serene view.

"I- Okay. Don't panic, but Kendall and Sage aren't answering their phones."

"Excuse me?" Logan yelled, pivoting around to face Carlos and James, who were watching with confusion and worry.

"It's late. I bet they're just sleeping, but I wanted to call at least one anyway of you so you'd know what was happening, so you'd be prepared-"

"Get dressed," Logan ordered his brothers, his demeanor stern as he cut Gabriel off. They listened immediately, only glancing at each other before figuring it was best to follow Logan's command. They went for their bags that had been discarded lazily near the front door, digging out actual pants to place over their boxers.

"It's probably nothing," Gabriel insisted, but even he came off a little more hopeful rather than being filled with his trademark certainty. He'd gotten attached to the family of five.

"I'll let you know," Logan hung up before Gabriel could say anything else, and James looked to Logan as he stepped into his sneakers. Carlos stared between the two of them, wishing there wasn't so much tension in the room, but that would soon be the least of his worries.

* * *

"You'll go with me?" Elliot asked in disbelief, unable to get rid of his smile when Sage nodded shakily.

Elliot slid off of the mattress and scrambled for the knife on the nightstand. He made no hesitation, even when Sage flinched, to cut the ties from her wrists. Wanting to help her up, he tossed the blade aside again, leaving it open in the same place he had left it before.

"I knew you'd make the right choice, Sage. I knew it," Elliot murmured, sweetly rubbing at Sage's damaged wrists and only dropping his joy for a moment when he saw the blood he caused.

He shrugged off the regret and continued with optimism.

"Our life is going to be amazing. I'll make you happy. I promise," he reassured her yet again, but Sage remained quiet as he stood her up with his hands on her bare waist beneath the robe, unable to stop touching her.

Kendall was writhing in his chair, screaming distorted variances of "don't" and "no" until his throat ached as he sobbed and forced his head back and forth. This was his biggest fear, that Elliot would get Sage—that he'd lose her. Things couldn't end like this. He couldn't let this be goodbye. They couldn't be ripped apart again.

"We have to leave him here…" Elliot spoke of Kendall, but didn't look his way. "His friends will come for him in the morning, so we have to be gone long before that… It'll just be you and me. The way it should be…"

Sage looked at Kendall, a longing in her stare as Elliot's cheek pressed to the side of hers in an embrace, and then she turned her head completely away from him and towards the wall the bed rested against. Elliot kissed her neck after a couple of moments like that, and Sage kept him close. From what Kendall could see, she had an arm wrapped around Elliot, rubbing his back. The rest of her was rigid.

Kendall didn't know, though, that her other arm was reaching for something unseen by both him and Elliot.…

"I love you so much," Elliot reminded her, absolutely lost in the fact that he had happiness, that Sage gave it to him. His hands left the exposed skin of her waist in favor of caressing her face. Sage smiled, a weak curve of her mouth, nodding right before he kissed it.

Kendall thought his life had ended, that he couldn't possibly be breathing anymore, when Sage kissed him back. He shut his eyes from the sight after torturing himself for a few seconds, unable to stomach anymore, but they snapped right back open when he heard a gasp from Elliot. The sound wasn't what he had expected. It was different than contentment or lust. It was shock.

Dragging his vision back to the couple, Kendall found himself sharing that shock, but his own was mixed with relief.

Sage was breathing heavily, not taking in enough air as she pulled back from Elliot and looked between them. His stare followed her own, looking to where she had plunged the previously discarded knife into his stomach.

Blood poured from the wound as she stepped away, bringing the blade with her until the back of her legs met the bed. Elliot stumbled, his hand clutching at his wound with wide eyes.

"S-Sage…" he called her name like she could fix what she had just done.

She only stared, exhaling loudly with a whine, her chest heaving. Every time she blinked, tears fell.

Elliot groaned. His shoulders hit the wall beside the bathroom door, his body slumping and his legs weakening.

Sage gripped the knife tighter, Elliot's blood slicking her hand. She swallowed, trying to calm herself, but she was unable to move as her stepfather fell to the floor, consciousness slipping away. Sage managed to hear Kendall on his fourth muffled call to her. She turned to find him titling his head towards his binds, and that's when she actually realized she still held the weapon in her hand. She wanted to drop it, but she wanted Kendall more.

She hurried over to him, steadiness questionable at best, but she made due. After cutting his ankles free, Sage undid both of his hands, crying harder when she had to dig the flat edge of the blade under Kendall's already mangled wrists to get them free. He never let the pain show, though, merely ripping away his gag and standing to clutch her in his arms as soon as possible.

A part of him was aided by the connection just as much as she was. His body felt off, ears ringing and vision faltering with lightheadedness, but his focus on Sage, the feel of her gave him a reason to ignore himself.

"It's okay, baby. It's okay," he smiled, still panting as she clung to him once she let the knife fall to the carpet below. "We're okay."

"I really thought I was gonna go… I didn't- I wasn't gonna kill-"

"Don't think about it, angel. It's over... I'm so proud of you," Kendall kissed her forehead and wiped at her tears.

Sage didn't feel proud. She felt sick, not like herself. Her reality was splintering and distorting even further than before. She dug her nails into Kendall's back, searching for solid ground but failing. Even her grip didn't feel right, though. So, she yanked herself away. Kendall swayed from the force with which she disconnected, but she stayed close.

All she could see was the blood. It was the only thing she could feel, the only thing she could hear; like it was screaming at her. She seized the ends of her robe and smeared the red all over the silk continuously, trying to get it off of her skin.

"Look at me, Sage," Kendall moved towards her again. He grabbed her hands gently, minding her injures. It took more effort than he thought it would to make her fingers stop twisting the fabric, or maybe it was him who had lost some of his strength; he wasn't sure anymore.

"It won't go away…" Sage whimpered, her head not titling up in Kendall's presence. Instead, it stayed in its downward position, her limbs trying to get away. She had to keep cleaning her hands.

"Focus on me," Kendall ordered, gripping her chin to force her to listen. The franticness in her eyes had him wanting to give up too, had him wanting to curl up against her and forget everything, but she needed him to be strong. "We're gonna get you some clothes, and then we're leaving this place, okay?" He was strict with her, keeping his voice steady and firm, something for her to follow him with even though her eyes refused. "We'll talk to the police, see a doctor. You're gonna be fine."

He kept that poised tone in his voice, but on the inside everything was jumbled, conflicting. He wanted Sage to be fine, but he didn't necessarily think it was a sure thing now. It was so bad this time, and the reminder that he had other breakdowns to compare it to only panicked him more.

"Just stay with me, baby. Can you do that? Can you stay with me long enough to get to the hospital?" Kendall cupped her face, bending his head down to her level. His neck protested the movement at first, but he pushed his way through the pain.

Sage regained some sort of concentration when he mentioned the hospital, breathing in heavily at the word, but she still wouldn't look at him. Her jittery gaze dropped to his arms, watching the way his life poured from his wounds. The scarlet color was the same as her own, but Kendall's felt different. It felt hotter—sicker—where it had tainted her body when he hugged her and scraped open any of his cuts that had been trying to heal already, her waist now covered in the substance. The thing that killed her the most, though, the part that she couldn't let go of, was the way that a certain cut to his arm seemed to damage them both.

His tattoo was struck through with a clean precision, breaking the heart completely.

She reached up for her necklace out of the need for proof that the symbol still existed, that they were still linked, but that wasn't there either. She was bare, and nothing felt right.

"It's all w-wrong," Sage uttered as she looked at his cut, her fingernails burrowing into the skin at the bottom of her throat where the pendant should have been.

"Hey," Kendall cooed, prying her fingers off of herself. He couldn't watch her hurt anymore. "Calm down. I'm alright." He twisted his arm over in an effort to hide the cut from view, but Sage remained fixated on it. "You hear me, Sage?"

She looked like she wanted to answer, lips parting and eyes darting to his for a second, but then she shook her head violently and broke away from him again. Her hands went back to the robe. If she could just get rid of the blood—Elliot's blood—maybe everything else would go away too.

Kendall's heart burned, the ache there more severe than his dizziness was uncomfortable. He had always been the best at comforting Sage, at coddling her, but nothing was helping this time. All of his fixes, his touches and words of comfort, things that always worked, were temporary. She'd see him only to distance herself again seconds later.

"I love you," Kendall touched her face again, not bothering to stop her hands, choosing to zone in on her eyes. His own met hers at his statement, almost a question in delivery, watching the emerald color get a bit clearer as he waited for the response he needed.

"I love you, too," she answered, smiling faintly. Kendall let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding when she seemed present, when he felt like he actually had her in that moment. He kissed her quickly, pushing the feel of her hands still clutching her robe between them into the back of his mind in favor of focusing on the sensation of her lips against his, no matter how briefly it lasted. Kendall pulled back and ran his fingers through her hair, landing another sound kiss to her forehead.

"Don't move. I'm gonna get us out of here. I'm gonna get you help."

Kendall let her go reluctantly, turning away and moving towards the door where they had left some of their luggage. He berated himself internally for insisting that they shut off their cell phones and tuck them away to avoid disturbances, thinking that the night would hold nothing but good things. He looked back at Sage to check on her as his fingers fumbled to unzip a bag. He was nauseas from kneeling down too fast, and the circulation in his hands felt minimal at best as blood continued to spill from his wrists.

Sage had gone back to that distant look, eyes wide but watching nothing, and her hands shook as she still rubbed them along the fabric of the open robe.

"How are you doing, love?"

Kendall knew the answer, but he needed her attention. He needed to keep her with him. Sage twisted her body in his direction, at least giving him something, but she did nothing else. She didn't stop her hands.

"We're gonna leave soon," he assured her yet again as he finally found his phone, but before he could even grab it, a small voice echoed through the room.

"N-No," Elliot panted, words difficult to form with his dry mouth. He remained on the floor where he had fallen, but he wasn't done yet. He held his forgotten gun, pointing it at Sage, who watched him like a deer caught in headlights.

Elliot tried to keep his hand steady, but his extremities weren't his own anymore. Everything was numbing, going cold as blood seeped away and his heart struggled to support him. His vision blurred around the edges, but all he needed to see was Sage anyway.

"I'm not going alone," his voice cracked, weak like his body, and moisture built up in his eyes.

He was scared.

"I don't want to be alone…" his arm straightened with the last of his energy, making his aim direct.

Kendall couldn't breathe as he ran towards her with pure adrenaline, trying to get to her rigid form in time. She couldn't save herself. He had to do it for her.

When his hands touched her, the connection didn't feel solid. He didn't know if he was fast enough, but Elliot wasn't waiting for him.

He pulled the trigger.

* * *

Logan tried not to speed, tried not to tell himself that something bad was definitely happening, but he had a lead foot anyway. Carlos was in the passenger's seat beside him and James was behind him, his hand already hovering near the handle so he could leap out of the car. He didn't even wait for Logan to put it into park when they pulled up to the gate of the beach house, right behind the SUV Bryan and Shawn had used to bring Sage and Kendall there.

"They have to just be sleeping, right?" Carlos' hands shook as he fiddled with them, quickly walking beside Logan to keep up with James' long legs.

"Yeah…" Logan answered shortly, no confidence behind it.

They all hurried to the SUV, wanting to first warn Shawn and Bryan about any possible Elliot-type-surprises, but the surprise was theirs. Carlos covered his mouth and looked away from the view he saw through the window of the driver's seat. Bryan was slumped back, head titled upward and throat slit straight across.

"He's here…" Carlos turned to his friends.

Logan stared at the body with wide eyes. He'd read medical book after medical book, but nothing prepared him to see a corpse like that.

"We have to get inside." James ran around the front of the car, refusing to look at Bryan anymore. Logan and Carlos followed his lead, the three of them stopping at the gate. James gripped the iron bars, pushing and pulling with no result. "Son of a bitch," he growled, shaking the locked iron repeatedly.

"Guys!" Carlos yelled, bumping into James when he flinched backward in fear. He had been looking around their side of the gate, trying to think, when he'd spotted Shawn.

The guard's feet stuck out near the edge of the shrubbery around the entrance, the rest of his body still shadowed by early morning darkness. They knew he held the same fate as Bryan, both brutally struck down. If Elliot had killed their trained security in cold blood, Kendall and Sage's chances were even slimmer than the boys wanted to believe.

They had no more time to think, though. All three startled, their bones rattling and veins running cold when they heard a sound coming from the property. The noise had their full attention, making them snap their head towards the house. It was loud, a thundering crack, as fast as blinking but chillingly powerful.

There had been a gunshot.

Logan went to open his mouth, but before he could say anything, James was climbing up the gate, his feet resting on the metal supports until he could pull himself along with his arms and ultimately drop down onto the other side. Carlos followed without pause, and Logan didn't even think about his actions before he was doing the same. If it had been any other time, any other people in the house down the driveway they were now sprinting up, he would have called the police, insisting that he and the boys wait until they get there first, but it _**wasn't **_just anyone. It was their sister and their brother.

"It's locked," James whined, fighting not to cry when he tried the main door. He began ramming his shoulder into it, Logan beside him in the effort against the solid wood once they decided that their adrenaline may be enough, but they weren't getting very far.

Both jumped back when the shattering of glass was heard.

Carlos had taken matters into his own hands, his face stoic as he smashed a brick, retrieved from the lining of the outdoor entryway, through the window closest to them. He climbed in, jagged glass ripping at his shirt, but he didn't slow down or look back for Logan and James. Instead, he hurried around and swung the door open from the inside.

"Split up and find them, but be careful," Logan ordered in a whisper, unsure of what they were walking into but knowing they could get hurt.

After sharing looks of confirmation, of care and love, the three dispersed through the large house.

Logan went to the living room, the curtains in the open archway leading to the pool billowing in the breeze, but otherwise the environment was still. He felt even more anxiety, though, when he saw blood on the carpet.

James went through the foyer to conduct his own search. He was just halfway to the stairs when he heard more shouting.

Carlos was the first to find Sage and Kendall, the first to walk into the bedroom containing the three that had started everything.

"Logan!" he called for his friend frantically, his hand gripping the doorway at the sight before him. "J-James!" Both boys rushed to where he was, footsteps suddenly loud and insistent in the quiet house, but things were silent again when they saw what Carlos did.

Elliot was slumped against the wall, motionless, with a gun beside him.

Sage was sobbing.

And then there was Kendall, bleeding and unconscious.

"Come back…" Sage mumbled again and again, touching his face as she kneeled next to him.

"Oh my god…" Logan froze in a moment of dread before attempting to jump into action. "Carlos, can you help me? I need you to try and put pressure on the wound with something," he stumbled on quivering legs to Sage and Kendall, leaving Carlos to grab the closest fabric he could find, which was a shirt on top of Kendall and Sage's discarded luggage.

"Come back," Sage cried, her words repeated so fast that they began to slur together. She had yet to acknowledge the others' presence. Her hands touched Kendall's paling face, fingertips tracing his brow to brush his bangs aside.

The bullet wound was to his torso, and he was bleeding steadily.

"What happened, Sage?" Logan asked, checking Kendall for a pulse. He was relieved to find one, not as persistent as it should've been but there nonetheless. He was more scared, though, when Sage barely gave him room to put his hand on Kendall's neck, not moving or speaking to him, not acting like he was even there. "James, take care of her," Logan called out to the boy who was still hovering at the door and sending murderous eyes towards Elliot's fallen body.

James dashed towards Sage as soon as he saw her. She wasn't the brave girl he knew, the girl who changed him. She looked too fragile, with her discolored robe open, her body shaking, and crimson staining her hands.

"Sage…" James called to her as he knelt down, trying not to look at Kendall so he could stay focused on giving help rather than falling into his fears. He took Sage's arms delicately, frowning at her battered wrists. She allowed it, but she didn't look anywhere but the floor as he tugged her away so Carlos could get a better position beside Kendall. "Come on, sweetheart. Let Logan and Carlos help him."

James put his arm around her waist for comfort as they sat together on the floor. Normally that would have calmed her nerves, but she wouldn't stop shaking. She wouldn't look him in the eye as he stroked her hair and mumbled soft reminders to her that things would work out, that they were all going to be fine. He kept telling himself that she was just in shock, that she would break out of her state soon. He'd seen her like this before, but it was never so intense.

"Is that blood hers?" Logan's vision scanned anxiously up and down Sage's body.

"No, I don't think so… It doesn't look like she's hurt anywhere other than her wrists." James attempted to cradle them carefully when Sage began wringing her hands together, her palms running over the already drying gashes.

"Logan, he's- he's bleeding so much," Carlos gasped, pressing the fabric onto Kendall's wound. The sight was covered, but Carlos could already feel the warmth on his hands. "I can't believe this is happening…" he mumbled, shaking his head as his eyes burned. The tears fell when he really looked at his friend's face. Kendall was pale, a bruise forming on his cheek and tear tracks littering his face. He looked nothing like the kid who led their peewee hockey team to victory. He didn't look like the strong young man who worked so hard to keep their family together. He didn't look invincible. He didn't look like Kendall.

"Just keep pushing down," Logan placed his palm over both of Carlos', offering more leverage as he pulled his cell out of his pocket to dial 911.

"We've got you, buddy. You'll be alright," Carlos told Kendall, fully crying and wishing the blonde would wake to confirm his thoughts. He eventually had to look away from his brother's face. It was too lifeless for him to handle.

Keeping one hand over Carlos' two, Logan held his phone snuggly against his ear when the operator answered with a warm, but routine voice, asking what kind of emergency he was calling for. Logan started with the address, the first thing on his mind so they'd send someone as soon as possible, but after immediately blurting that out, he fumbled.

"We n-need help." He had been prepared to explain fully, to use his knowledge, his vocabulary, to speak clearly, but when he actually tried, he felt sick. Carlos was right; there was so much blood. "My friends a-are hurt really bad."

"Okay. I'm sending out some help right away, but I want you to stay on the line with me, alright? What's your name, son?"

"L-Logan Mitchell." He took a deep breath, not used to stuttering so repeatedly since he was a child, but the extra air in his lungs wasn't helping. It only reminded him how much Kendall's lungs were lacking. Logan's leader was weak, his chest not falling and rising as much as it should have been. A night of celebration had turned into one of carnage, and Logan was trying to hold it together for James and Carlos—who tended to rely on him in Kendall's absence—but he didn't think he could.

"Logan, can you tell me what happened?" The man spoke as calmly as he had started, voice gruff, older, but soothing. He reminded Logan of his dad.

"We don't know. M-Me and my other f-friends came here, and Kendall's been shot, and Sage is covered in blood, and-"

"Slow down," the man instructed carefully. "Are they conscious?" He kept his questions basic, not bothering to point out that he didn't know any names and instead letting Logan say whatever came to him.

"Sage is." Logan looked up to James, who was still comforting the mute girl. James stared at him for a moment, eyes glassy and jaw clenching, but then he put his focus back onto Sage. "Kendall's n-not. The bullet went into his chest. He's bleeding out." Logan gazed to his hand that was over Carlos'.

"You need to find something to put over the wound. It needs a lot of pressure to slow the blood flow down…."

"We did," Logan responded more confidently.

"That's good, Logan. You guys are doing great. The paramedics will get there soon. They're not too far away. Do you know who shot Kendall?" The man moved on to his next question swiftly, hoping to keep Logan's attention.

"Yes, he's h-here." Logan looked towards Elliot. His body was slack, his now-empty hands resting at his sides as he lay against the wall.

"Is he-"

"He doesn't need any help," Logan insisted angrily, his voice not faltering.

"Is he still alive?"

"I don't know. He's- he's bleeding, but that doesn't matter," he maintained. The operator paused, silent for a few beats of Logan's thumping heart.

"The ambulances are almost there to help you all," he responded diplomatically. The man had no idea what Elliot had done, and, to him, a life was a life. Logan disagreed, but he bit his tongue.

"Logan, it's getting worse…" Carlos whimpered when trails of blood began to slowly drip down Kendall's side and toward his neck.

"Push harder!" Logan snapped, fuming at him for all the wrong reasons.

"I'm trying!" Carlos cried, stiffening his arms and pushing down as much as he could, but he was never sure that it was enough.

"Stay calm. The paramedics are only another minute away," the operator reminded him. Logan nodded even though he couldn't see him.

"I got this, Carlos. Go make sure they come right here…" Logan told him in a more subdued tone once he had heard the sirens blaring in the distance. "I can hear them," he added for the operator.

Carlos waited until Logan cradled the phone between his shoulder and ear before slipping his hands away from Kendall, leaving Logan to push down with both of his after folding the fabric over so it was thicker. Carlos didn't like being covered in his brother's blood, but he shook off the feeling as he ran to get the gate open for the paramedics.

"I think something's really wrong with her…" James spoke once Carlos had gone. Sage was shutting down, tuning them all out except for Kendall, who had her full attention. She stared at him without wavering. "She's not right…" he continued, brushing the hair from her shoulders and face and rubbing her back as they sat on the floor.

He looked to Logan when he only got silence from him. He wanted answers from the intelligent boy. He wanted him to say everything was going to get fixed, that they'd go back to the way they were, that Sage and Kendall would be healed before they knew it. But those things wouldn't be quick, and they wouldn't be easy. They may not have even been possible.

With Kendall bleeding out beneath Logan's hands, and Sage trembling in James' arms, they could only share a gaze full of what-ifs and silent prayers that aimed to shut the scarier things out.

"Kendall…" Sage mumbled, but she was quickly drowned out by the sound of sirens.

The steady, blaring volume could be heard when Logan told the operator that the ambulance was there.

James did his best to keep his focus on Sage. She still wouldn't look at him, though. Her stare constantly drifted somewhere between Kendall and the stretch of floor separating them.

"It's okay. Kendall's right there," he told her softly.

James heard the sirens stop, lights reflecting off of the walls from a distance, and he knew that they were coming. Then, with sudden movements, he scrambled to cover Sage.

He tied her robe securely around her, knowing that she wouldn't want to be exposed to strangers like she was. He smoothed the material over her thighs, wondering if he should find her real clothes but unable to imagine leaving her side in her state of shock. Settling on the way she was, James sighed and let the hand he didn't have on her waist drop to the floor. It was met with something cool to the touch. He looked down to find Sage's necklace on the carpet between them and the bed. He picked it up immediately and deposited it into his pocket, fearing that the police would take it when Sage was the one who needed it the most.

"They're in here!" Carlos rushed back into the room with help close behind.

The numerous paramedics swept in, two going to Elliot and another pair focusing on Kendall. They gave instructions to each other, ignoring everything as they assessed the scene on hand for their first impressions.

"Do you know what caused these injuries?" one of them asked, glancing up from studying Kendall's wrists. They looked to Logan and Carlos first, both of whom had stepped back, hovering close but out of the way.

"We don't really know what happened… There are ties…" Carlos responded lamely, realizing just how much they didn't understand.

He stared at the broken and bloody cable ties scattered on the floor near the chair in front of the fireplace. A knife rested on the carpet among the mess, nearly touching the box containing the engagement ring Kendall bought Sage. There were ties on the bed too, one dripping with red against the pillows and another still hung loosely on the headboard. Everything told a story, one that was muddled for the boys. They didn't have any real answers for the questions asked by the paramedics or for the ones they asked themselves.

The EMT nodded and then went back to helping his partner, who had been setting up a gurney to load Kendall onto.

"Tell the hospital we're bringing in two patients," another one of the paramedics at Elliot's side called out. They had laid him flat on the floor, oxygen mask in place.

"You're helping the fucker that did this?" Carlos spat, in disbelief that anyone would lift a finger to aid Elliot. "He's done nothing but hurt people. He's tortured her for years!" Carlos yelled, pointing at the fallen Sage. He only quieted once Logan pulled him a few steps back from the scene, careful not to step on anything important in the room.

If Sage heard the reference to her, she didn't show it. All she could do was watch as paramedics slid Kendall onto a board for transport, already getting an IV into his arm and preparing a portable monitor to keep watch of his heart. The boys weren't sure if she was even processing what she was seeing, though. She displayed no emotion while rocking gently in James' hold.

She rocked even faster, her head snapping downward, when someone blocked her path.

"She should come with us..." one of the paramedics who had been attending Elliot originally, a young woman with tender brown eyes, crouched to Sage and James' level. She took Sage's hands to examine her wrists, but dropped them carefully when the girl whined and tried to rip them away.

"She can't- I…" James hugged Sage more tightly, kissing the side of her head. He wanted to tell the woman to back off, feeling protective, but he knew Sage needed help. He just didn't know how to explain her predicament, how fragile she was, or how frightening it would be for her if she were taken away.

"I can't force her to go, but it would be the best thing for her. Those wounds are nasty, and she needs…" even the paramedic paused at the blank look Sage had reattached to her face. "She needs to see a doctor."

James hesitated. Elliot was being taken out, and Kendall was close behind. Logan and Carlos were looking at him, waiting.

"Can I go with her? One of us needs to be there. She wouldn't- She won't be okay without me," James spoke softly, eyes on Sage and then the woman.

"Sure, you can ride with us. She can stay close to her…" she trailed off, glancing back to Kendall briefly.

"Fiancé," James supplied Kendall's title for her, not giving a shit whether or not Kendall actually managed to put the ring on Sage's finger. "Thank you," he murmured, standing up and bringing Sage with him. She made no sound, no protest, when he lifted her.

He carried her the whole way, following the paramedics down the driveway and into the back of an ambulance. Sage just stared at Kendall the entire ride. James' arms were holding her, but she didn't feel them. The only thing she felt was a steady vibration around her, clouding everything as the EMTs worked on the love of her life. Logan and Carlos followed in the car, leaving the police behind to survey the crime scene, knowing they'd talk to them later.

The trip to the hospital felt like decades, but in reality it had only taken minutes. When they arrived, James had to carry Sage again, her own feet not telling her to move even when Kendall was being taken toward the building.

"Make sure a doctor checks her over," the same woman had reminded James as she passed, holding an IV bag high above Kendall's gurney. James nodded and looked around for Logan and Carlos. The two were right there, having left their car parked illegally, keys inside and uncaring about where the vehicle ended up.

Their group stayed close to Kendall, blending in yet taking dominance in the crowded ER. There were crying children and groaning patients in waiting, but James carried Sage, with Carlos and Logan at his side, right through them all. The four of them looked like they belonged there, covered in blood and tears, and the doctors and nurses who swarmed around them were all too busy to even notice if they were supposed to be there or not. They tried to stay on Kendall's heels as he was pushed down the wide hallway, doctors and EMTs loudly exchanging numbers and information only Logan had any hope of understanding.

They stopped their rushing only when they reached their destination, a room with equipment set up for the emergency patients brought in. The layout was open, lots of space around the room, but it was filled with people and supplies. A doctor in scrubs appeared to stop the four of them from entering the room they had just rolled Kendall into. The blonde was blocked off by swinging doors, but the windows were large and clear, so he was still visible.

"You can't be in there while we work. The best thing you can do is stay out of the way," he told them quickly. James reluctantly set Sage down, happy that she stood on her own legs beside him but keeping an arm around her just in case. Logan and Carlos lingered closely, surrounding her. "Someone will look at her as soon as possible if you just wait near the triage section over there…" the doctor, an older man with greying hair, glanced at the distant Sage and then pointed down to the mentioned area that was near where they had come in, a place with several curtains and beds encompassing the nurses' station.

The three boys nodded, unable to ask any questions before the doctor was called into the room for assistance. They watched him go, watched as he slid gloves on and prepared to attend to Kendall's lifeless body. James, Carlos, and Logan thought it may have been a good idea to step away, to take Sage away from the scene, but she was fixated in her place as she watched Kendall through the glass.

She didn't even turn when paramedics, with another group of doctors and nurses, rushed Elliot down the hallway she was in.

"Stab wound to the abdomen. He flat-lined on the way here, but we got him back. He's barely hangin' on, though," one of the EMTs informed the doctors as they wheeled Elliot into the vacant room just across from Kendall's.

They immediately worked on him, frantically trying to save his life just as much as Kendall's. The three boys watched in fury.

"He doesn't deserve to be saved," Carlos growled, wiping away the moisture gathering under his eyes. "Let him die!" he shouted louder, gaining the attention of patients close by and the nurses in the room before they went back to work. Carlos just cried harder, tears hot on his face.

James' jaw was stiff, his teeth grinding as he released Sage to put a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder.

Logan watched the doctors in fascination, his brain working a mile a minute, wondering what would happen.

Then Elliot's heart monitor let out a shrill, steady sound.

"Step back!" one of the technicians shouted, grabbing the defibrillator in hopes of restarting Elliot's heart. All Logan could think about was how Elliot didn't have one of those to save.

They shocked Sage's tormentor once, then twice, and then a third time, but there was still no response. Elliot faded completely, becoming a shell on a gurney in a matter of minutes. But he had been dead even sooner than that.

No one knew that the last real piece of him perished the second Sage slid the blade into him, before he had even stopped breathing.

"I can't believe he's gone…" Despite Kendall's still critical condition, Logan wanted to feel relieved, wanted to feel like celebrating. Elliot had been such a weight on them for so long. He controlled them even when he was far away. He ruled their lives, their concerns, their feelings. He shaped who they were for years.

Now he was dead. Really and truly gone.

"It's over, Sage," James whispered reassuringly, watching Elliot get covered by a sheet. But when they turned back to her, Sage wasn't watching at all.

She hadn't watched her stepfather die, hadn't even registered it. The victory was an empty one. It meant nothing. She couldn't be relieved with the guys, couldn't feel happy. It wasn't over. It never felt over. Her lack of emotion and reaction scared Logan, James, and Carlos. She just stood there, eyes on Kendall through the window to his room, her back to Elliot completely as they shut down the deceased's machines. However, their fear was interrupted for the moment when Kendall's doctor stepped out again. Sage didn't even blink at the flash of blue his scrubs made across her vision, just briefly distorting her view of Kendall before he was back in her eyes again. But then, suddenly, he was being taken away.

"Are you his family?" The doctor asked over his shoulder, moving down the hall where they were now wheeling Kendall. They were driving him further into the depths of the hospital.

"We're all he has here. His blood relatives are in Minnesota. Where are you taking him?" Logan spoke for the group, words tumbling out rapidly as he, James, and Carlos followed after the doctor.

"Well," he began, stopping his hurried pace at another set of double doors, these ones more difficult to see through due to "restricted access" signs on the windows, "your friend is in pretty severe condition. We're bringing him up to surgery now…"

Sage didn't move with the group, but she tried to listen through the buzzing in her head, tried to understand what was happening to Kendall—something about "risky"… "blood loss"… "head injury"…"good hands"—but she couldn't make anything out. Everything was collapsing inside of her as Kendall disappeared from view completely.

He was there, and then he was gone just like Elliot. Kendall left her. She didn't have him anymore.

Sage blinked a handful of times, and then her legs began to slowly carry her away. The voices of her brothers and the doctors were becoming even dimmer.

Not bothering to raise her hands, her weight pushing the hinged doors open as she moved, Sage walked into the emergency room Kendall had been in, where they had prodded at him with needles and latex-covered hands. Medical supplies were scattered everywhere, but otherwise the room was empty, most of the staff having dispersed and others following Kendall up to surgery. Blood tarnished the floor, used gauze added pops of red and white to her dulling vision, and glimmering silver tools were strewn on a rollaway table.

"Again, it's best to contact his family as soon as possible," the doctor told the boys after informing them that it would be a while until there was any more news on Kendall. The man made his exit after that, moving through the doors they had taken his patient through.

"Who wants Mama Knight?" James sighed, heart breaking just at the thought of worrying the woman.

"I'll do it," Logan volunteered gravely. "One of you get in touch with Gustavo and Kelly, and the other needs to take- Where's Sage?" Logan stopped abruptly, realizing the girl had disappeared. The last thing any of them wanted was her and Kendall both out of sight.

"Fuck…" James cursed himself for not keeping a closer eye on her, getting caught up in the doctor's words in the hopes of good news. He couldn't help but shudder when he thought about how a "normal" girl, one who was stable, wouldn't have _**needed**_ to be watched.

They moved as a group, racing back down the hallway. Their eyes scanned the busy area for Sage, but they didn't have to look far. After only a few steps, they found her in Kendall's room, standing at the center of it with a scalpel in her shaking hand. She looked down at it intensely, thinking as tears spilled from her eyes.

"Sage, what are you doing?" Carlos sounded like he had been punched in the gut. He and the others stood just inside the door, afraid to get any closer. They looked to her, then each other, and then back again. No one knew what to do.

"I don't want to be here," she wept, her free hand coming up to clutch at the side of her head.

"We'll go then. Put that down, and we'll go," James insisted gently, keeping his tone soothing.

"No! I'm going alone…" Sage fought. Her crazed eyes looked at him as he got closer. She stretched her arm out and then put the scalpel against it.

"Stop!" Logan raised his hands in her direction, taking his own step towards her but freezing when she whined and flinched backwards.

"Don't touch me," she begged, eyes shut and releasing more tears.

"No one's gonna touch you, sis," Carlos smiled. It made him sick to force it. "No one is gonna make you do anything ever again... Elliot's gone. He's dead..."

She shook her head again, her eyes still shut and the scalpel still to her skin. They wanted to call out for help, but they were sure it would only make her spiral even more out of control.

"Sage, don't you _**dare**_ fucking hurt yourself," James ordered her, abandoning his soothing tone from earlier. She always helped him with tough love, and he had every intention of returning the favor if he had to. He was crying but he was angry, angry that she could ever choose to leave them. He knew better than most just how much they all needed each other to survive.

"James, wait," Logan whispered, trying to tug him back when he advanced closer to her.

"We can't just let her do this…" Carlos argued in a hushed voice.

Sage heard them, but she couldn't understand. They sounded like insects around her, invading her space, throwing off her senses, so she blocked them out and breathed until the room began to change. It began to feel more like her own reality, the one that was pushing for dominance over the last few hours. Her bed was in front of her, bars on her windows...

There was an extreme dread building up around her heart. It hammered in her chest.

"I want Kendall," she slurred, feeling like he didn't exist anymore, like she didn't know where he was. "I need to get out," she struggled for air.

The scalpel seemed to move on its own accord when it cut into her, drawing a deep line right through the faded scar she had gained during her first escape from Elliot.

"I'm leaving… I can't stay here." She sobbed without realizing it.

She was inconsolable. She couldn't hear the boys yelling. She couldn't feel anything inside of herself, but when James grabbed her she screamed. He wasn't James anymore.

He was Elliot.

"I'm not staying. I need to get out of this room. I don't love you," she whimpered, trying to push him away even though she couldn't see him clearly.

James tried to get her to stop thrashing around, tried to stop her from hurting herself even further. He had to stop her from taking her own life.

There was more panic she couldn't register, more shouting. Was it coming from her?

The scalpel was ripped from her hand, and she cried harder, squirmed with more purpose. She needed that. She needed it to get leverage over Elliot. He wouldn't let her leave any other way.

"Help!"

"We need help!"

That sounded like Logan and Carlos, but they weren't really there. They couldn't have been. She was alone with Elliot. That's all she ever was.

"Ah!" Sage cried out when a sharp pain went through her upper arm, and she started fading completely after that. Her room was disappearing, no more light, no more anything.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" James muttered repeatedly as he let her go, a doctor and a nurse taking over once Sage had been sedated in his arms.

James didn't want to let them have her. He wanted him, Logan, and Carlos to be enough. But all they could do was watch as the doctor loaded her onto a bed and took her away, assessing her arm and her vitals while she lay limp. They hadn't even had time to cope with the fact that Kendall could die, and now they were wondering if Sage might leave them too. Their family was broken. And, this time, they weren't so sure that it could be fixed.

With wet eyes, uneven breaths, and aching hearts, the three boys now stood alone.

* * *

**A/N: Please don't kill me for the cliffhanger. Venting in reviews I can take, physical assault I cannot :P. I PROMISE the wait for more will NOT be MONTHS away next time :)**

**Please REVIEW and let me know what you thought of this chapter :D As usual, anonymous reviews are enabled :) I appreciate any feedback and I love meeting fellow readers/fans of BTR. Don't be shy :)**

**…**

**Below is just a longer A/N that was previously posted AS this "chapter" on Wed. concerning recent deletions of fanfics around here, and what to do if that happens—crossing my fingers it won't—to this fic. **

**Please disregard the tense, as I'm just copying the message from when I posted days ago, just in case my contact information is important to anyone :)**

**…**

**As of late, fanfiction has been cracking down and flat out deleting stories with "unsuitable" content. I'm scared that they MAY get to me and decide to delete my stuff, and even my access, by Saturday (I'm a paranoid person), so I wanted to contact you all here. **

**IFFFFF this story is deleted, as well as my others, I DO have everything saved, INCLUDING my reviews. It will take time for me to relocate (to figure out where I wish to do it and when), but I WILL NOT STOP WRITING THIS just because fanfiction gets rid of it. The only thing I fear is that I'll lose all of YOUUUUU.**

**So, I NEED to give you ways to contact me if something happens, if you search for this story or my account and it is suddenly not here anymore. The BEST way to find the current happenings of this story/fanfiction deleting drama, will be on my tumblr. (For those of you who don't know, that is a blog). You can find my page by typing the following: waterwicca-insert a period-tumblr-another period-com. Ignore the hyphens. Just follow the directions. If you can't see the previous text for any reason, maybe editing by the cite, then all you have to do is google my name, waterwicca (that's one word), and "tumblr" together and one of the first links that appear should be me (my page is black/green/blue with a PTS graphic in the background). **

**On that page, my blog, find a clickable link on the left side called: "Past the Sorrow" POSTS. If you click that, you'll see anything I've said related to the story. THAT is where I will be informing people about updates if this cite is no longer useable. Also, just for your reference, I DO blog daily there in general right now (it's not just something I'll be using as a backup. I DO use it for communicating.)**

**If you want to go there for communication, but you do not want to make an "account", all you have to do is click on "Ask Me Anything" on the left with the PTS Posts links and type a message (characters are limited). I will receive it, and when I ANSWER it, it will be public and appear on my blog (If it is PTS related, I will make it visible under the "Past the Sorrow" Posts link). **

**Now, so I'm technically not breaking any of this cite's rules, I must give you SOMETHING to read other than an author's note. Below, as this "chapter's" TEMPORARY content, I will place a snippet of the upcoming chapter for you. **

**I'm hoping this is all just me being worried, and I'd HATE to be uprooted after being here for so long, but, if I AMMMMM forced out, I hope you'll all stick with me by following my instructions above. **

**A REMINDER ABOUT THOSE INSTRUCTIONS: If losing me or this story suddenly concerns you, I recommend you copy and paste the above instructions RIGHT NOW to somewhere where you can access them easily, maybe bookmark my BLOG page too (I recommend it because if my account gets taken away, you won't even be able to go to my profile here for info- I will be gone), because if this story gets taken away, this AN/instructions go with it :/**

**…**

**Those are all my announcements for now lol Sorry about the lengthy A/N's, but it's the only way to get in touch with ALL my readers, signed and anonymous :)**

**I hope you enjoyed the chapter. I'm excited to hear from you guys after so long, and I'm excited to share more soon :D**


	56. Big Time Disintegration

**A/N: The last few weeks of life have been crazy, and I can imagine with school ending for most, it was for you guys too lol I know there a lot of new high school grads around since the last time I updated, so CONGRATS to all of you :)**

**Since it's an important lead in to what you'll see of Sage this chapter, and because it's been a while, I'm just placing the last piece of the PREVIOUS chapter, which ended on a cliffhanger, in case you want a refresher :)**

**And don't forget how much I love hearing from you guys. Feedback makes the really long hours, the epically long and difficult Saturdays full of work, more than worth it lol :)**

**...**

_"I want Kendall," she slurred, feeling like he didn't exist anymore, like she didn't know where he was. "I need to get out," she struggled for air._

_The scalpel seemed to move on its own accord when it cut into her, drawing a deep line right through the faded scar she had gained during her first escape from Elliot._

_"I'm leaving… I can't stay here." She sobbed without realizing it._

_She was inconsolable. She couldn't hear the boys yelling. She couldn't feel anything inside of herself, but when James grabbed her she screamed. He wasn't James anymore._

_He was Elliot._

_"I'm not staying. I need to get out of this room. I don't love you," she whimpered, trying to push him away even though she couldn't see him clearly._

_James tried to get her to stop thrashing around, tried to stop her from hurting herself even further. He had to stop her from taking her own life._

_There was more panic she couldn't register, more shouting. Was it coming from her?_

_The scalpel was ripped from her hand, and she cried harder, squirmed with more purpose. She needed that. She needed it to get leverage over Elliot. He wouldn't let her leave any other way._

_"Help!"_

_"We need help!"_

_That sounded like Logan and Carlos, but they weren't really there. They couldn't have been. She was alone with Elliot. That's all she ever was._

_"Ah!" Sage cried out when a sharp pain went through her upper arm, and she started fading completely after that. Her room was disappearing, no more light, no more anything._

_"I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" James muttered repeatedly as he let her go, a doctor and a nurse taking over once Sage had been sedated in his arms._

_James didn't want to let them have her. He wanted him, Logan, and Carlos to be enough. But all they could do was watch as the doctor loaded her onto a bed and took her away, assessing her arm and her vitals while she lay limp. They hadn't even had time to cope with the fact that Kendall could die, and now they were wondering if Sage might leave them too. Their family was broken. And, this time, they weren't so sure that it could be fixed._

_With wet eyes, uneven breaths, and aching hearts, the three boys now stood alone._

_…_

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, but I do own Sage and Elliot. **

**_-waterwicca_**

* * *

CHAPTER 56: BIG TIME DISINTEGRATION

* * *

"This isn't how this weekend was supposed to go," Logan sighed and titled his head to look up at the ceiling of the hospital room.

The tiles were a murky white, dusted with speckles of brown, like sand.

"The five of us should be at the beach house celebrating your engagement." He thought for several beats of silence, visually tracing the pieces of ceiling to create geometric shapes. "We should be excited, talking about wedding plans…"

Logan's eyes fell to his lap in a speedy sweep, purposefully missing the sight in front of him. He couldn't linger there. It hurt too much.

"James should be trying to drown Carlos in the Pacific over something ridiculous like a corndog. I'm supposed to be sitting beside you and Sage, thinking how stupid our friends are and how perfect everything is. How we're finally getting on our feet, how good things are…"

He paused, his words burning his throat as he brought his gaze over towards his shoes when he caught a splotch of red. They were the ones he had worn when he found Kendall and Sage, when he had gotten covered in his best friend's blood. He thought it was all gone, but it still coated him. His skin, freshly and thoroughly scrubbed, still felt sticky with it, and now there was a very real drop of the substance beneath his foot, following him everywhere he went.

"Nothing's good, though. I don't know why I actually believed it would be."

Logan snorted with false laughter as he let his raised leg fall back to the ground, his bloodied sole meeting manila linoleum. The rest of the sounds in the room came back to him when the rubber squeaked. There was the beep of the heart monitor, steady and strong, but that was a lie when he paired it with the hiss of the ventilator beside it.

"I need you to wake up and make things good again, Kendall." Logan finally let his eyes come up to the bed he sat beside. "It's too hard without you."

Kendall, his leader, the boy he looked up to for everything when it all got too fucked, was out of commission. The surgery had gone as well as the doctors could have hoped, which Logan knew meant that Kendall had simply survived on the table, but he wasn't exactly living. With a severe concussion and the blood loss from the bullet wound, his body hadn't fared well.

"It's just like you to get fuckin' shot. You're always getting your ass in trouble," Logan grinned, blinking drowsily when he looked to Kendall's motionless face. "But don't you think possible brain trauma and a coma is a little extreme?" He rubbed at his eyes when they began to sting. "The doctors say we have to 'wait and see.' It hasn't even been a full day and I'm tired of waiting. We're all tired…"

Logan stared at Kendall for a while, thinking about how he was getting enough sleep for all of them. The blonde was in a calm state, heartbeat rhythmic and blood pressure stable because of the machines helping him. He was tucked into his bed snugly, hospital gown covering his chest, concealing the healing bullet wound and surgery incisions. The ventilator was attached at his mouth with a tube going right down to his lungs to breathe for him. Logan counted twenty inhales and exhales, timing his with his brother's.

"They say you have to heal on your own, that the ventilator gives you your best chance. There was internal bleeding, bruising in your brain. Your heart gave out once during s-surgery…"

Logan stopped talking, squeezing his eyes shut and covering his face with his hands. Voices swarmed through his mind. The doctors, at least three different ones, had told them so much about Kendall. Life support. Traumatic injuries. Lack of oxygen to vital organs. Next of kin. The longer it lasts, the worst it looks. 50/50 chance...

"You're not allowed to die, Kendall. This family needs you… Do you know how hard it was to tell your mother what happened?" Logan hissed, seething as he sat forward on his chair, staring right at Kendall. Of course, he didn't move. "Do you know what it's like listening to her cry?" He calmed himself, settling back into his chair again when he was only met with the beeps and pumps of the machines on the other side of Kendall's bed. "She wanted to rush out here with David and Katie yesterday, but I convinced her to settle things in Minnesota first… It'd be nice of you to wake the hell up so I don't have to watch her heart break in person…"

Still nothing.

"It'd be nice to have some answers, too," he added softly. "We talked to the doctors and the police yesterday, but we don't really know anything… What happened in that house, Kendall?" Logan whispered before grinding his teeth together.

The day before had been one of the most frustrating in his life. Without the statements of Kendall and Sage the police could only help them guess what had happened in the room. Because of the reasons behind the restraining order, and further evidence gathered from the crime scene, they could tell that Elliot was to blame for the night's tragedy. But the case wouldn't come to an end. They couldn't have complete closure until Sage and Kendall, the only survivors, told their stories. However, one of them was in a coma and the other hadn't been seen since her "suicide attempt" and sedation in the ER the previous morning.

"What am I supposed to tell Sage? She can't handle seeing you like this. She-" Logan's eyes slipped shut and his head tilted back. "She cut herself, Kendall. Why would she do th-that?"

Logan could still see that look of distance on her face, how they had gone from family to just strangers in a room. He couldn't stop visualizing the scalpel sliding across the scar on her arm, the one he gave her when he stitched her up years ago. The incision had been even deeper this time. The blood had poured onto the floor so fast.

"They won't let us see her yet. We've been waiting, asking… All they'll say is that they're holding her here." Logan shook his head, refocusing on Kendall. "James said she wasn't right, but I thought she'd be fine," he insisted. His voice rose to a panic, like he had something to prove, like Kendall would argue with him. He wished he would. "She's not, though. The way she was talking… She needed help, and we weren't enough," Logan groaned. "I don't even know if you'd be enough now. The way she was talking, the way she looked so- I never- What if we never fixed her, Kendall? What if we hurt her?"

Logan had worked so hard, studied so much to get Sage past her trauma, but he was starting to doubt whether or not any progress they had made even meant anything.

"She just broke, and we couldn't do a thing to stop it. We couldn't get through to her." Logan's leg bounced repetitively. "I knew she should have been seeing a therapist from the start. I should have pushed you harder on that, but I didn't… I can't…" Logan thought back to his and Kendall's battle over help for Sage when she first showed up. He had caved so easily after Kendall begged him for "no doctors" and Sage looked horrified at the thought.

It all worked out though. Things had been good for a long time now, hadn't they?

"I don't know what I'm supposed to think anymore. The five of us need each other. How are we going to function with two of us missing?" His leg stopped twitching as he rubbed his palms on his knees. "The dynamics are so fucked," Logan sighed heavily. "James and Carlos are relying on me. They won't say anything, but they keep _**looking**_ at me for answers… I don't have any." Logan scratched at the back of his neck and peered out the window on the other side of the room.

The morning sun was strong, golden and warm, but Logan didn't feel soothed.

"How am I supposed to fix this for us? I can't wake you up. I can't snap my fingers and make Sage stable. She needs you. James and Carlos need you. I n-need you, man…"

Logan paused and watched Kendall. A foolish part of him, the part that wanted to throw away logic and rely on miracles and magic, believed his declaration, his begging, would stir Kendall instantly. He wanted the blonde to open his eyes, to reach out for his hand, to tell him everything was going to be taken care of. But there was nothing from the patient other than the rise and fall of his chest as the ventilator did its work.

"It scares me how much we rely on each other, how empty I feel without you two," Logan admitted gently, dropping his gaze and picking at his nails. "It scares me that we'd all die for each other… That's what you did, isn't it? You took that bullet for Sage?"

He waited as if he'd get a response, and when he received nothing in return he only got more irate.

"So, you bleed for her, she bleeds for you. I'd bleed for James, he'd bleed for Carlos and on, and on, and on. Where does it _**end**_?" Logan's hand formed into a fist, his nails digging into his skin. The sting gave him focus. It stopped his mind from wandering into dangerous territory.

He glanced at Kendall, searching for an answer of any kind. He needed support, confirmation from the one person he always looked up to without fault, but he couldn't have it now.

"I just- I thought this family was set," Logan continued with a quick swipe of his tongue over his dry bottom lip, his hands slipping into even tighter fists again after stretching his fingers. "We were living the dream. B-But… Nothing's ever really what we plan it to be I guess…"

He forced his focus away from Kendall, staring up at the ceiling once again, counting the grains of brown as he spoke.

"It feels like ages ago, but I remember when I thought I'd be in med school right now. I figured James would be running amok on the streets of Los Angeles, and maybe Carlos would be in art school… or jail," Logan chuckled quietly, but when he remembered Kendall couldn't laugh with him, his smile faded nearly as soon as it had arrived. "But somehow we all ended up together, living one life… Five minds in one and we still don't have shit figured out."

He tried to smile again, but it wouldn't form. He was too exhausted, all of his muscles slackening as he slumped in the chair.

"All you ever wanted—what we wanted—was for Elliot to be gone for good. He's dead now, but what does that matter? The damage is done." Tears threatened to form and Logan battled them off, squeezing his eyes shut. "We should've gotten there sooner. If I called 911 outside the gate like I should have, maybe this wouldn't be so bad… If we ran harder, drove faster… If Gabriel called just a few minutes earlier we could have gotten to the room before Elliot pulled the trigger…"

Logan groaned, fingers sliding into his hair as he leaned forward, his eyes still shut.

"There are too many what-ifs. I'm going freakin' crazy." He pulled at his dark locks. "I need something to control. I just don't know-"

"Logan?"

The sound of someone calling his name made his heart thud against his ribcage. For a brief second he let himself believe Kendall had said it, through the machinery in his body and all. But it was just Carlos, standing at the door with circles under his eyes and a rigid posture.

"The doctors upstairs said we could see Sage now. They, um, got her in a r-room…" Carlos trailed off, his volume lessening and a stutter kicking in when he dared to look at Kendall. Almost as soon as his eyes were on the bed, they were back to Logan, and he stepped a little further into the hallway behind him with his hand still on the doorknob. "James is waiting for us."

"Okay," Logan nodded and stood up, stretching towards the tiles above and cracking his back as his eyes dried. In front of Carlos, in front of the others, he had to be strong. He tried to turn into a leader, what they needed him to be. "I'll be back later, Kendall," he patted the boy's hand, careful of the IV and the wires draped around him. "We'll let you know what happens with Sage…" Logan moved back slowly but finally turned away completely to walk out the door Carlos held open for him.

"Do you really think he can hear us?" Carlos wondered after several moments, meeting each of Logan's strides with his own as they walked side by side to the elevator. They passed a familiar nurse, most likely on her way to Kendall's room for his regular checks.

"Studies say it's likely," Logan shrugged, punching the upward arrow button near the elevator doors.

"Oh," was all Carlos offered as he shoved his hands into his pockets and climbed aboard with Logan once the elevator got to them. He didn't say anything else after that, riding up to the top floor in silence.

James was standing at the entrance to the "psychiatric ward," the words on the wall above the door in bold black letters. He gave them two visitors' passes with shaking hands, having already checked in with the nurse at the window beside him. His own pass was clipped to the pocket of his jeans.

"They said her doctor is in there waiting for us..." he jerked his head towards the entryway behind him, following Logan to the sealed doors when he took charge and stepped forward first. A buzzing sound was heard as the security guard on the other side allowed them in, the man's face a practiced expression of indifference with traces of sympathy bleeding through.

The corridor to the nurses' station at the center of the ward was short and clearly labeled, not much littering the hall except for a wheelchair or two scattered among regular chairs along the walls. Nurses and doctors walked past them intermittently, the occasional psych patient following suit with their eyes either glued curiously onto the boys or turned away purposefully. Logan took everything in, observing and calculating. Carlos merely kept his head down as if nothing around him existed, and James stayed alert, memorizing and scrutinizing it all with a firm posture.

Through all the movement, they caught the attention of one doctor in particular. He was slender and tall, with graying hair and a bit of scruff along his jaw. He strode down the hall with easy authority, comfortable in the place that made Logan, Carlos, and James feel anxious. He stopped occasionally to look at a chart that a woman in scrubs had handed him, but by the time the boys reached him at the nurses' station, they had his full focus.

"I assume you're the three that came in with Sage Henderson?" he spoke softly, the sound low in the wide space around them, but it held a strength and a confidence that gave Logan enough courage to speak.

"Yes, I'm Logan. This is Carlos and James." He pointed to each of his friends, who both stood watching and waiting. They didn't look like they wanted to talk to the doctor at all. That's the way it had been since they arrived at the hospital 24 hours earlier. They trusted Logan to take care of it, and he didn't really feel like he had the option to argue.

"It's nice to meet you, boys. My name is Adrian Kroger. I'll be handling Ms. Henderson's case."

"Is she okay?" James wondered, shifting on his feet beside Carlos.

"She's stable right now," Dr. Kroger answered, his lips settling into a thin line and his brown eyes softening as he glanced at the chart he held. "We don't know much about her condition quite yet, but I'm expecting her treatment to be long-term when it comes to-"

"Condition? _**Long-term**_?" Logan's entire body tensed. "I thought this was just going to be a 72 hour hold for the cutting…" He was getting nauseous, and he refused to look at either James or Carlos by his sides. He knew their faces of confusion and dread would mirror his own, only they'd be pointed in his direction instead of the doctor's.

"I'm afraid going home isn't an option I'd advise right now, not with the state she's in," Dr. Kroger sighed and dropped the hand that held Sage's chart to his waist. "She's not responsive. She's alert, breathing and walking on her own. I'd call her downright calm, but she doesn't respond to stimuli. There's no reaction to noise or touch from others. We believe she's having a psychotic break."

"This is bullshit," James growled into Logan's ear, his hand a sudden and heavy weight on his shoulder. "We have to take her home. She doesn't wanna be here."

"James, stop," Logan glared back at him in warning. He looked to Carlos to see if the boy was just as angry as his friend, but his face was blank and still trained on the doctor. "Are you sure it's not just a reaction to strangers? We told a few doctors yesterday, Sage has a rough past…" Logan tapered off awkwardly, hoping he wouldn't have to explain it all again: the rape, the imprisonment, the mental torture and its aftermath. It always sent an ache through his heart and a burning through his bones, a sense of panic paired with uselessness because he couldn't change what had happened.

"Yes, I'm aware of all that," Dr. Kroger assured them with a sturdier tone. "That's actually why I think she'll need to stay here longer than the 72 hour suicide watch... Given her past, and how you claim she reacts to certain situations, I'd say she's completely shut down now. She's been mute the entire time we've cared for her. We stitched up her arm and some of the more serious lacerations on her wrists, but she's never made a peep, not even during the more… invasive… parts of her physical evaluation."

Dr. Kroger seemed sympathetic, his eyes dropping to the floor. Because of Sage's inability to consent to treatment and her lack of next of kin, she immediately became a ward of the state in the hospital. They had to provide the best treatment possible, and after the police and the medics reported what they had found in the room, and the boys explained her life with Elliot, a thorough exam was necessary.

"Physically, she's nearly fine. But mentally, it's a whole other story." Dr. Kroger motioned for them to follow as he spun around and walked down another short hallway, only a few yards away from the nurses' station and a recreation area for the patients containing a small television and blunt furniture. He led them to a wide window next to a closed door. When he pulled back the curtains covering the glass, Sage was revealed.

She sat on the bed in her assigned room. Her legs were folded beneath her, posture relaxed despite the fact that a male nurse, which even Logan would say reminded him of Elliot in body structure, was touching her. He was changing the bandage on her arm, rolling white gauze over the cleanly stitched cut. The wounds on her wrists were bare, shiny with antibiotic ointment.

Logan's brow furrowed at the scene.

Sage should have been flinching, pulling away from the man's grasp on her arm, shying away from his presence in her personal space, especially near a bed, but she was entirely somber. Her fingers tapped delicately against her knee cap to a beat only heard in her head, hitting the cotton of the sweatpants that the staff had changed her into.

"She's catatonic, dissociating from reality…" Dr. Kroger paused to look at the boys, knowing they would need a moment to process what he was trying to tell them. They looked terrified. "Like I said before, nothing we've done has had any effect. I've tried everything, but she doesn't seem to know that we even exist… However, we can guide her a bit without a problem—the nurse walked her all the way to her room from the medical ward—but she hasn't acknowledged anyone."

"She's just scared," James whispered, rolling his shoulders to release some of his tension. It didn't seem to have the desired effect. His eyes bore holes through the window, staring down the male nurse.

"Can we see her?" Carlos asked as he crossed his arms over his chest, stepping just a bit more behind Logan.

"Absolutely," Dr. Kroger nodded energetically, a new light in his eyes. "I'm hoping you'll have an effect on her. In cases like this, where the patient is having trouble joining reality, it's often best to have loved ones around. She's lucky she's got you. You'd be surprised how many people here are left alone."

He moved to the door of Sage's room, opening it and addressing his colleague.

"Ryan, can you step out, please?" he ordered the aid at Sage's side. The man nodded and smoothed the gauze on her arm one more time before backing away. Sage didn't move at all when he did so or when Dr. Kroger spoke suddenly. No customary cringes or grimaces. No alarm or fear whatsoever. "He or another staff member will come by about every fifteen minutes or so to check on her. It's routine for suicide watch," the doctor explained to the boys as he stepped aside to let the man pass.

"Do you think she'll hurt herself again?" Logan hesitantly walked to the door with Carlos after James rushed to be first only to stall in the entryway and look back.

"Honestly, there's always a chance, but she doesn't seem aggressive or out of control to me like they say she was downstairs yesterday right before the incident. Only time will tell, though…" Dr. Kroger shrugged, the chart pressed against his chest and his face compassionate despite all his years delivering similar news to numerous families.

"She's gonna be fine," James declared, his chin held high and his jaw set stiffly, but he didn't make a move into the room yet.

"James, don't-" Logan stopped his words abruptly when James huffed loudly, eyes rolling towards the ceiling. Carlos bit at the inside of his cheek, stepping even further behind Logan so he wasn't between him and James.

"I'll give you guys a minute before we get started," Dr. Kroger murmured gently, his vision swaying back and forth among the group before he reached into Sage's room and shut the door once again.

Carlos watched his sister through the window closely, looking for any movement at the squeak of the hinge or at the doctor's presence directly in front of her eyes, but she stayed calmly seated on the bed, her fingers picking at a thread on the knee of her pants. He looked away, finding his shoes interesting as Dr. Kroger retreated several feet down the hall to create a sense of privacy. The doctor stopped the nurse that had just left the room, the two men entering a soft-spoken discussion as Dr. Kroger slipped his glasses out of his pocket and perched them low on his nose. He nodded enthusiastically as his co-worker said something that encouraged him to grasp for the pen he had on top of his clipboard, biting the cap off between his teeth to scribble something on Sage's chart.

"I feel sick," Carlos mumbled, breaking off a glaring match he hadn't known James and Logan were engaging in.

"You want some water, Car?" Logan offered, reaching out and squeezing his friend's arm. "We don't have to do this right now. We could come back later…" he suggested when Carlos refused to raise his head.

"Don't be stupid. The sooner we get in there, the sooner we can take her home," James gestured dramatically towards the observation window, confident and a little too eager, but he didn't look at Sage. He kept his focus on Logan. He took everything out on him.

"We have to be realistic," Logan argued, staring at James like he was the one who had lost his mind. "Were you even listening to the doctor?"

"I heard him, Logan," James spat his name and crossed his arms over his chest.

Carlos sighed, leaning away from them again, forgetting Logan's attempt at comfort just as Logan and James seemed to forget him.

"I don't think you did. Look at her, James!" Logan pointed to the window, right past a sullen Carlos, towards where Sage sat.

It was unnerving, depressing and terrifying, how gone she looked. How detached she was. She wasn't their girl. She wasn't Sage. They didn't have to be in the room to feel it, to know it; to know that the battle to getting her back—if it was even possible—was practically a fully vertical climb. They should have known, should have admitted it to themselves, like Logan was nearly ready to, that Sage wasn't okay. She was the furthest from it than she had ever been. They should have realized it the second they watched her blood spill onto the floor by way of her own hand. People don't just come back from that, they don't just get to pretend it didn't happen.

"Sage isn't herself-"

"Stop," James lunged towards Logan, freezing right in front of him with clenched teeth. "Stop counting her out. W-We don't know anything yet," he finished more shakily, composing himself as he backed away.

"Fine," Logan conceded, rubbing his hand over his face. "We'll see what happens," he turned in the direction Dr. Kroger had gone. "We're ready," he called out, immediately getting the psychiatrist's attention.

Dr. Kroger returned hurriedly, going to open Sage's door once again, but he paused before swinging it open.

"I think it's important for you boys to remember that there's no grand cure for this type of thing. Nothing's guaranteed. It's a good idea to keep an open mind..." he glanced at each one of them over the lenses that were still settled near the bottom of his nose.

"I-"

"We understand," Logan interrupted James when he sensed a tirade coming on. Carlos sighed again beside Logan, releasing the built up tension without actually speaking. James scowled but kept his mouth shut, choosing instead to stalk to the door once Dr. Kroger opened it. He hesitated, though, when he reached the doorway.

"It's James, right?"

He jumped when the doctor spoke beside him, then he nodded at the inquiry.

"Just try, James. I know it's uncomfortable, it's scary seeing someone in this place," Dr. Kroger titled his head towards the rest of the ward, "but just talk to her. See if she reacts. It's the only thing you can do right now."

James looked at him, his vision just level with his glasses before he tore his eyes away and straightened his shoulders. He forced his face into one of confidence and calmness when he realized the corners of his mouth had turned downward and his eyes had begun to burn.

"She'll react. She'll be fine," he declared again, but his voice wavered slightly, the sound low. He cleared his throat and stepped into the room, an annoyed but gloomy Logan in tow with a fidgeting Carlos.

Logan wanted to give a speech, to keep drilling into James' head that now was no time to favor stubbornness over rationality, but his mouth went dry as soon as he entered Sage's room. The atmosphere was heavy, not still or even serene like it had seemed for the girl through the window. It was another world once they stepped through to the other side of that glass.

Given everything the doctor had said, Logan thought that a response from her would be a long shot, but it turned out that they didn't even need to talk to her to get one. As soon as James' feet crossed the threshold, followed shortly by Logan's and Carlos', Sage's entire mood changed. Her back grew taut and her eyes darted towards them, only getting as high as James' waist before she turned away from the sight completely. The room had gone from calm, with the morning light leaking through the sealed windows, to tense in just a split second.

Sage's mouth opened, but she shut it immediately and hopped off of the bed. Her demeanor was restrained, pacing stiffly and fiddling with her fingers before settling on looking out the window with her back to them.

"Sage, can you hear us?" Carlos questioned cautiously, finding some of his own confidence in the unexpected circumstances as he inched further into the space by stepping out from behind Logan. There was hope in his eyes, his stomach no longer all that nauseous.

He, James, and Logan turned to glance at Dr. Kroger, who was watching with intense interest at the exchange, obviously bewildered, but hoping for progress. The only Sage he had ever known was the still, nonresponsive girl. This one was different. She had life in her. James glanced to Logan, looking a little smug, a little proud, but Logan didn't return the happy sentiment. James may have thought that they made her okay—that all she needed was them—but Logan couldn't agree. It didn't feel good being there. It didn't feel right. And maybe James couldn't see it yet, but his eyes probably weren't open as wide as Logan's.

"Sage?" Carlos repeated, his expression close to James', like they had won something.

"Mhm-mhm," Sage shook her head violently, arching her back away from them as if she'd been touched from all the way across the room. She composed herself almost instantly, taking a deep, loud breath and pressing her body closer to the window. "You're not supposed to be here," she whispered, fisting her hair and pushing her forehead onto the glass in front of her.

Carlos deflated, sinking slowly but surely down to Logan's level and leaving James in the clouds by himself.

"Why not?" James scoffed, taking control and striding towards her. "Sage, things are gonna be ok-"

"N-No, I don't want you here," she murmured, jerking away when James came to stand beside her. "Elliot won't like-"

"That fucker's dead," James reminded Sage with venom in his voice.

"No," she argued. Her eyes almost met James' but she turned away before they could, wandering back to the bed. She nearly ran into Carlos, but she didn't have to go around him. He moved for her, stepping away in fear of hurting her—how, he didn't understand. "I want you to go!" Sage continued her resistance, climbing back onto her bed and keeping her chin tucked against her chest.

"We need to help you…" Logan crept towards her, reaching his hand out to place it on her shoulder. He hovered there, hesitating and looking to Dr. Kroger. The man nodded in encouragement, confused eyes trained closely on his patient. When Logan's fingers touched the top of Sage's shoulder, she cried out. The sound hurt him. It felt even worse than all the times before, when she used to be unable to withstand anyone but Kendall. This time was so panicked and agitated, something more than simple a gut-reaction.

"You're m-making it harder," Sage leapt up to go to the observation window that separated her from the corridor of the hospital. She was acting like a caged animal, shying away from each of the boys at any cost.

"Making what harder, Sage?" Dr. Kroger spoke softly but clearly in an attempt at delicacy. She gave no answer. The boys watched as the doctor neared her, looking for any kind of reaction. He mimicked Logan's earlier method, reaching out and touching her shoulder.

Nothing.

"Try to keep going…" Dr. Kroger moved away from her and addressed the boys, a hint of conspiracy mixed with mystification in his voice.

The three exchanged glances, unsure of what was happening if even a doctor was perplexed. Carlos cleared his throat and tried to do what was asked of them, to pick up where they and Sage had left off.

"What are we making harder?" he walked backwards until he hit the table in the corner of the room, feeling as though he couldn't be too close to her.

"L-Living."

When Sage answered he had to rest the majority of his weight against the furniture, finding it difficult to breathe. The feeling only got worse when Carlos thought about how Sage was usually the first to comfort himin times of stress. Instead of helping him now, though, she began to rub at the fresh bandage on her arm.

"You have t-to get out of my head…" she whimpered more to herself than to them.

"She's not acting like herself. This isn't our sister," James turned on Dr. Kroger with anger, looking for someone to blame.

"James, calm down. She's just… upset," Logan tugged on his wrist, keeping him in place as they watched Sage. James was right, though. She didn't look like the person they knew. "She and Kendall dealt with a lot in that room..." James' anger turned to depression at the mention of their comatose friend.

But Logan pushed on. He got closer to Sage, reaching out for her more slowly than he had the first time. Her eyes stuck to the ground, body rigid. "Sage, you remember us, right? You know we love you…"

"It's a lie," she cried, staring at his hand. Her own twitched, lifting away from its tightly wrapped position around her torso as if she were going to take ahold of him. But then she pulled back, her eyes slipping shut and tears falling down her face. "Now I- You're not real…"

It was Logan's turn to make a noise of agony, his breath catching in his throat and his hand ripping away from her.

Sage continued to cry, scratching at her arm and wrinkling the new bandage as she curled in on herself. Carlos stood shocked near the table while James went to push past Logan with an air of defiance. Dr. Kroger stopped him, though.

"I think it's best if we give her a minute," he spoke gently but suddenly, his voice still having no visible effect on Sage. She was inching away from Logan, begging him without words to stop advancing towards her.

Logan hesitated to leave her in the state she was in. He felt stupid. He was so sure, had allowed himself to possess a bit of hope, that Sage would be okay after a little rest. He should have known better, though. That hope conflicted continuously with the logic he himself knew to be true. Sage needed more than them. She always had.

"This is promising," Dr. Kroger announced softly after ushering a reluctant James, Logan, and Carlos out of the room and shutting the door behind them.

"Are you kidding?" James' eyes widened and turned to look through the observation window at Sage. She had relaxed once they'd gone, climbing onto the bed and wiping at her tears as they dried out.

"I know it doesn't seem like a good thing, but her reacting at all is an improvement from what we were seeing yesterday. It means she's still in there. She seems to only react to you, though… It's astonishing, really," the man seemed deep in thought, most likely coming up with various courses of treatment for Sage based on his new discovery.

The boys appeared doubtful. Sage hadn't been able to be close to them before, but that was a long time ago. They'd come so far since then, and even when she was scared she never wanted them out of her life. She had allowed herself to rely on them, and they lived for that reliance. They knew nothing else.

"What's wrong with her?" Logan glanced at Sage again, watching her go back to the exact position on the bed she held when the nurse had been there. Her calmness returned as well.

"Can we fix it?" Carlos wondered, biting at his lip and tearing his attention away from the girl. He could cut off his vision of her, but the chills running along his spine remained.

Fix it. Those two words had Logan's heart skipping a beat. He thought that they had already "fixed" Sage. This breakdown, something that had come along so fast and without warning, was like a slap to his face. As soon as she sliced herself open, he knew they had been wrong. Four boys from Minnesota couldn't cure a damaged abuse victim by themselves. It didn't matter if they were a "family" or that they loved her. Those were foolish things to count on.

"Well… we're all going to do our best, alright?" Dr. Kroger spoke with a warm but cautious smile, knowing that the boys wouldn't like hearing such a non-committal answer.

They all nodded anyway.

"Now," the doctor continued, "are you three the closest people she has in her life? Does she have anyone else?" he jotted a note down on the chart he held as he spoke.

"Her fiancé is downstairs. He's recovering from surgery."

Logan didn't fail to notice how Carlos couldn't speak Kendall's name or mention the coma. He also noticed the use of the title: fiancé. Successful proposal or not, they all maintained the idea that Kendall and Sage were now engaged.

"We're her family. We know everything about her," James announced boldly, his body still leaking tension from the less-than-satisfying encounter in the room.

"Good, good…" Dr. Kroger nodded steadily, unfazed by James' continuous alpha male position. "I think you're going to be an important aspect of her recovery. I'd like to schedule some time to sit with you, to get to know yours and Ms. Henderson's situation a bit better. At this point, any information is valuable."

"You really think it's going to help?" Logan was skeptical. He couldn't imagine that getting his figurative hands on Sage's brain again could aid her recovery. He had already done so much to mess it up.

"I think it's the best chance she's got," Dr. Kroger maintained his stance, and Logan was grateful he still sounded optimistic enough for all of them. "Please don't get me wrong, though…" Logan's gratefulness subdued. "None of this is going to be easy by any means. Sage's psyche is fragmented, and her reactions are absolutely severe. It's not uncommon when it comes to trauma cases... Right now, it looks as if she's created another reality for herself after all that's happened. So, we're going to have to build you around that, use her obvious weakness for you to insert the three of you back into her life. Hopefully she'll realize you belong there. It might take a while, and you have to understand that nothing is certain…" he waited as they took the grim fact in. When they offered no arguments, he continued. "Also, Sage is a ward of the state, she has no biological relatives that we know of, so there will be a hearing in a few days to determine her psychiatric care situation. Institutionalization may be considered…"

Logan tuned the doctor out, really thinking that he was going to vomit. It was all too much to handle. He needed Kendall. They all did. They needed to hear him say it would be alright, that they were strong enough to do this. He wasn't sure if Sage was the only psychotic one. Her life had hinged on Elliot and Kendall, and now they were seeing what remained of her when those two things were torn away. His own life, as well as James and Carlos', depended on Kendall and Sage. So where did that leave them when they were left without their duo?

* * *

"Everything's set up for the press conference on Thursday, right?" Gustavo peered at Kelly over his sunglasses as he rubbed a hand at his jaw before settling his tired head on it completely, elbow propped on the arm of his chair across from his assistant in the waiting room.

"Yup. Security is more than ready to deal with the paparazzi and the press," Kelly nodded as her thumb clicked against the keys of her phone, moving times and appointments around. Her motions didn't have their usual pep, though.

"Hopefully it will get them all to cool the fuck down and shut up for a minute," Gustavo sighed, stifling a yawn.

"Are we gonna have to talk?" Carlos asked, glancing at his producer and Kelly above his knees, his legs tucked tightly against his chest in his own chair between Logan and James.

"I'll take care of it, Carlos," Gustavo, in a rare but needed occurrence, reassured and relaxed him. The boys had enough to deal with in the hospital; they didn't need to concern themselves with what was happening outside of its walls quite yet.

Camera crews, tabloids, news reporters, and fans were all swarming the building ever since they got word of Big Time Rush's entrance. A few of them had even managed cell phone photos of the boys and Sage when they ran through the ER early the morning before. The masses of people seemed to be stuck to the outside of the hospital, only keeping just off the property when pushed back, while they waited for some answers.

Logan could sympathize with the waiting. They all could, in fact. Since seeing Sage a few hours earlier, it was all they'd been doing. Dr. Kroger seemed competent and helpful, but the idea of Sage being forced to stay locked up indefinitely scared them. They needed to know their options. They couldn't just let the doctors make all of her choices without them being involved, couldn't give up their rights as her family even if they weren't blood. After Gustavo and Kelly had come in, they called Gabriel. The lawyer was currently talking to the hospital's psychiatric and medical staff about Sage's condition and its results.

"What are you going to tell them?"

James stared at his phone when he spoke, slumped down in his seat. He had been ignoring continuous texts from Camille for the past hour. She wanted to know about Sage after they saw her, but he didn't want to tell her. He didn't know _**what **_to tell her. The actress had handled the news of Kendall pretty well, positive that he was going to recover because he was a "spitfire like her"—James doubted her optimism, though, because he knew that she was actually rushing around her movie set in a panic while trying to get a flight out to Malibu as soon as possible—but he wasn't sure if his not-exactly-girlfriend would be able to handle hearing that her best friend might be institutionalized.

"I'll let them know about Elliot. I'm not sparing him any humiliation just because he's dead," Gustavo spat, rolling his eyes. He had been angry the whole time, blood pressure boiling higher than ever before, but Kelly kept him relatively calm. His nasty attitude never disappeared completely, though, not when it came to someone hurting "Blondie and his dogs."

"We'll tell them that Kendall has been shot and he's receiving more care post-surgery. I'm not sure about mentioning the coma yet… I'll talk to Karen about it when she gets here," Kelly added, dropping her phone into her lap and giving up on keeping busy.

Mama Knight would be there with Katie and David later in the afternoon, and it wasn't a visit any of them were looking forward to. A car would pick them up at the airport, none of the boys wanting to brave the paparazzi just yet to get them on their own. But paparazzi weren't the only problem. There was also the matter of prolonging the inevitable. Having Kendall's family actually leave Minnesota, them coming to stay indefinitely through this catastrophe, made everything real.

"You've canceled all their future appointments too, right?" Gustavo had been micro managing for a while now, his usual let-Kelly-handle-it attitude covered up by question after question.

"Everything for the next month… Should I do more?" Kelly's hand hesitated over her phone as an awkward atmosphere rose between the five of them in the waiting room. Nothing felt right. How'd they go from having dream careers and the time of their lives to this?

Carlos chose to break the tension by moving on to a new round of questioning.

"What are you gonna say to everybody about Sage?" he flinched when James huffed beside him at the mention of their sister. Logan picked up a magazine, finding an interest in nothing but the distraction that the numerous words on the front page held.

"Uh…" Gustavo faltered, sitting up straighter. "I don't think they need to know that Blondie is having trouble. I'll… I'll tell them that she was injured, admitted, and is getting treatment."

"How long do you think she'll-" Carlos sounded small, childlike, but James cut him off.

"She'll snap the hell out of it any minute now. She's fine."

"James…"

"Stop saying my name like that," he barked at Logan, who had dropped the magazine from his gaze to address him somberly. "Kendall's fine, and Sage is fine. All we have to do is wait."

"That's not realistic."

"I don't give a shit."

"Cool it, dumb and dumber. You're in public," Gabriel stepped in, his usually pristine tie loose around his neck. He raised a brow at James and Logan while shuffling through the open doorway.

"How'd the meeting go?" Logan immediately turned to him, ignoring James and sliding to the edge of his seat as Gabriel took an empty one across from them.

"They said there's going to be a commitment hearing near the end of the week."

Logan eagerly gestured for him to continue, but James interrupted.

"They can't do that, can they? They can't keep her in here."

"They can if they decide that's what's best for her," Gabriel argued, rubbing his hands over his face. "Kendall has his mother, but Sage has no next of kin, and her mental capacity is severely diminished. She won't be making her own decisions anytime soon."

"So we have no control…" Logan slouched, wrinkling the periodical in his hands with a deep breath. "What can we do to get it back?" he spoke with more power as he tossed the magazine down onto the table between him and Gustavo.

James leaned forward in interest—his anger overpowered—and his boss and Kelly followed suit. Carlos stared at the floor, quiet while Gabriel took a moment to think.

"We could try to fight for her, try to get power of attorney… It could be me. I don't know her all that well, but I suppose it'd be better than a stranger…"

"I want to do it."

Everyone spun to look at Logan.

"Can you make that happen?" He ignored the stares, especially from James. He was looking at him like a hero, convinced that Logan was coming around to his thoughts of freedom for Sage.

"That's a lot of responsibility, kid…" Gabriel leveled with him, clasping his hands together and leaning on his knees. "You're going to have to make a lot of hard decisions. You're going to have to think about what's right for her, and it might not always be what _**you**_ would want…"

"I know, but Kendall can't-," Logan trembled with nerves for a moment, cracking his knuckles as the clock mounted on the wall ticked loudly above his head. "Kendall can't be here for her. So, I'll do it… I can do it."

Gabriel sighed apprehensively as he stood.

"I'll start the paperwork."

* * *

"I just need a minute," Karen grabbed Logan's wrist, stopping his hand from landing on the knob of Kendall's door.

Her face was pale, contrasting against the light blush she had applied to her cheeks on the plane, most likely in an effort to look put together. Her auburn hair was pinned to the top of her head, loose tendrils dropping down onto her black sweater at the nape of her neck. Logan watched her hesitate as she let go of his wrist.

"Is it hard to see him?" she asked, glancing at the solid oak in front of them again. There was a small observation window, long and rectangular, cut into the edge of the door, but she refused to look into it. She focused on Logan.

He wasn't sure how to answer her. His personal response was, "No." Seeing Kendall in that hospital bed, hooked up to the machines, was miles better than what he had seen on the floor of the beach house. It was all stark and pale colors, not darkness and vibrant red against torn flesh.

"It's not so bad as long as you remember everything's attached to him for a reason. It's keeping him alive, helping him heal. It's a part of him… for now…" Logan quirked his shoulder up awkwardly, feeling inadequate.

"Thank you, honey."

Logan startled when Karen caressed his cheek, her palm warm—a mother's touch.

"You've always been a smart kid," she kissed his forehead, "a brave kid." Logan smiled bashfully as she dropped her hand. "Kelly told me that Mr. Gabriel is going to make you Sage's guardian…"

Logan could hear her uncertainty, her natural worry for all the parts of her family, him included even though he didn't think he deserved to be.

"She needs me. She's really- She's not herself. She won't talk to the doctors. It's like she can't even see them." Logan shivered, wishing Karen would hug him, but he wouldn't ask her to, wouldn't seek it out. He crossed his arms over his chest. "I think she's mad at us…"

"Does she know about Kendall?" Karen's eyes went back towards the observation window, hovering right at the metal edge.

"Her doctor said it's best to wait a while on that…" Logan rubbed at one of his forearms. "He doesn't know how badly she'll respond to it. We're not exactly sure where her head is at," he swallowed thickly. "I don't think- maybe she shouldn't come home any time soon... I don't know what I'm going to-"

Logan stopped himself from continuing, blinking to battle away the oncoming tears and shying away from Karen's newly outstretched hand when Katie arrived with David, Carlos, and James after they had finished signing in as visitors. The girl, still young at fourteen, but somehow so much older, was growing taller and taller by the day. It blew his mind. He remembered when she only came up to his hip, tugging at him or the others by the backs of their shirts, wanting to be part of their antics. She had her own life now, though. She was independent, resilient, and Logan felt guiltier than ever for involving her in their world once again. This time it didn't result in lost money, lost opportunities, or fractured bones. A broken heart, a true loss—or two—was on the line.

"Who died?"

Logan laughed at the girl's snarky comment in relation to his red eyes. Inappropriate affect was a common response to grief and anxiety, wasn't it? For now, he counted himself sane.

"Katie, maybe you should lay off the jokes for a little while," David grinned tiredly at the girl, knocking his fist into her shoulder in jest as he walked past her. He stopped beside Karen, dropping a kiss right below the wrinkles of wisdom at the corner of her eye. "We're gonna give you girls some time with Kendall first. You want anything from the cafeteria? It was a long flight…"

"I'm fine. Can you get Katie something, though? She hasn't eaten since breakfast," Karen leaned into David's embrace, reaching out to tuck a strand of brown hair behind Katie's ear with the hand that wasn't at her partner's waist.

The girl looked as though she was going to snap at her mother, probably for babying her, but she refrained, rolling her eyes instead.

"The plane's food was pretty bad… I could go for a granola bar or whatever," she offered, shrugging and smiling faintly at David.

"Got it," he smiled in return, breaking apart from Karen to move towards James and Carlos once again.

"I'll show you the way. I need some caffeine," James blinked sluggishly and stepped away from the group to start the journey.

"Me too," Logan followed suit, letting David pass him first. "You gonna stick around, Car? You haven't sat with Kendall yet today," he turned back to address his friend, who had stayed where he was, head down and hands in his pockets.

"Yeah, you can come in with us, sweetie," Karen suggested with a warm demeanor, but Carlos' rigidity didn't seem to melt.

"Um…" he glanced at Kendall's door briefly, tearing his eyes away almost as soon as they had found their destination. "I'm actually… hungry," he muttered and spun on his heels. He kept his chin tucked towards his chest as he caught up with David and James, drifting closely to the boy's side as they walked. James hesitated, glancing back at Logan along with David, but he eventually gave up in the pursuit and continued down the long hall to the elevators, knocking his arm against Carlos occasionally to remind him that he was there.

"Has he been like that the whole time?" Karen asked as she watched them, shaking her head with concern written on her face. Katie mirrored her expression.

"I'm not really sure what he's thinking…" Logan bit his lip. Carlos was making him nervous. The boy was so unusually quiet, soft spoken when he even bothered to open his mouth at all. The last time he had really said anything of substance, with emotion, was when he had pleaded for the doctors to let Elliot die. He'd gotten his wish, but he didn't seem happy about it.

Karen's voice brought Logan back to her and Katie, his eyes pulling away from the retreating figures.

"Listen, Logan. I know you're an adult, but… If you need me, you know you can talk to me anytime, right?"

"Yeah… I know, Mama Knight," Logan answered hesitantly, squeezing the hand that she offered. "I'll be back in a bit. If you need me, my phone is on." He attempted a smile as he backed away to leave her. Karen looked as though she wanted to say more, but he didn't give her the chance. He shuffled after the others, taking long strides to catch up.

"They're a mess…" Katie sighed and tugged on her sleeves to bring the fabric to the middle of her palms, her nails digging in as she crossed her arms.

"They've been through a lot," Karen replied half-heartedly, sharing her daughter's sentiment.

"Kendall better wake his ass up soon or they'll all self-destruct," Katie grumbled cheekily and went to the door of Kendall's room, twisting the handle without pausing until Karen put a hand on her shoulder.

"I wish you wouldn't be so nonchalant about this, honey," Karen's face was soft, like it had been since they arrived at the hospital. But Katie's was stonier, a practiced resistance in place.

"He's not dead, Mom. Kendall's just…" Katie wavered when she popped the door open, bringing her big brother into view, "…asleep," she finished in a whisper, brown eyes gliding over Kendall, studying the tubes and lines running away from his motionless body as she stepped further into the room with her mother close behind.

Kendall Knight was everyone's strength, but he was epically important to Katie in unique ways. He raised her since their father died, looked out for her. He may have needed her sometimes more than she needed him, but he was always her safety net, something that was usually unspoken but forever durable. She'd never seen him so breakable, like he was coated in glass.

Karen made a choked-off noise, something between a gasp and a deep breath, as she struggled to stay composed. She tried to remember what Logan said, that everything was on her son for a reason, but that didn't erase the feeling that it was all wrong—foreign. Kendall was supposed to be smirking, joking and standing tall, not lying prone with his mouth obstructed by machinery. She'd sat through ER visits before, hockey matches and play dates—and even a birthday party—gone wrong, but she'd never seen her baby boy like this.

"Oh, Kendall," she whimpered, biting her tongue after the sound came out. She grabbed one of the chairs in the decently furnished private room—a loveseat was beneath the windows and three extra chairs were pushed against the walls—and slid it as close as she could get to Kendall's bed.

"It's weird that he's so quiet," Katie chuckled lightly, her tone subdued and gentle as she dragged another chair to the other side of the bed where most of the machinery was.

"He'll be talking soon… He's strong enough to heal." Karen sounded so sure, tears falling down reddened cheeks and grazing a firmly set pair of lips. She squeezed her son's hand, mindful of his IV, and rubbed her thumb along his skin. It wasn't quite warm, but it wasn't too cold either, and it had enough color to stand out against the white wrapping at his mid arm and wrist.

Katie nodded, sitting in a moment of thought before leaning forward to touch Kendall's other hand.

"Hey, big brother. Long time no see," she grinned, her focus sliding away from his hand, away from the white bandages wrapped around his wrist—she didn't know what resided beneath, and she didn't really want to. She brought her attention to his face. "When you told us you were gonna propose, I figured you'd screw it up, but you outdid yourself this time," she joked, her head swaying from side to side. There was no movement in his features, but she imagined him laughing, shoving her for the comment—normalcy.

"We've never been a normal family," Karen chimed in, her own expression growing playful and calmer after taking Katie's lead.

It was true. The Knight family hadn't been "average" in a very long time. Maybe they had a chance at first, a classic wedding between Kevin and Karen, a baby boy born, but it wasn't long before James, Carlos, and Logan came into the picture and were accepted into the household. Life changed at that point, brought in vastly different dynamics, brought in excitement and more love than anyone thought possible. Katie was born and, soon after, Kevin died. Karen, Katie, and Kendall then moved from place to place while remaining a solid family. They relied only on each other until Sage came in and the boys made their return. Life changed again then, as it always seemed to, sometimes drastically and other times subtly. Nothing was ever permanent.

With the move to Los Angeles, Kendall distanced himself from his mother and his sister psychically, but never emotionally. They kept in contact; their pasts cementing them together more strongly than most families could comprehend. If they could make it through their whole lives until now, then they could make it through this. If they didn't, then everything amounted to nothing. And women like Karen and Katie wouldn't accept that.

"I, uh, made you something…" Katie continued after clearing her throat. She dug into her pockets, leaning up on the back of her chair, and pulled out bands of colored string that would have been familiar to Kendall if he was conscious.

There were four bracelets resting in Katie's palm, two composed of twisted black and green and another pair containing pink and black. They were just like the ones she had made years earlier, with tinier fingers but still loving hands. They were the same type she had attached to her own wrists once again, the same ones she had tied around Kendall and Sage when they all said their first goodbye in Ramsey. The bracelets connected her to her siblings and them to her. The thread would eventually break away, and she had to replace them a few times over the years, but she never tired of the task.

"I made them on the plane. The in-flight movie was shit," Katie explained to her silent brother as she knotted the green one around his limb.

She didn't settle it at his wrist, not wanting to bother the bandage, but she figured the middle of his forearm would be good enough. If the doctors didn't like it, they'd cut them off—she'd just make more.

"I made Sage's, too." Katie bit the inside of her cheek as she finished the tight knot on the pink bracelet, this one placed closer to Kendall's elbow. "Can you give them to her?"

Karen jumped, blinking a few times when she realized Katie was addressing her.

"I'll try my best," she replied uncomfortably, taking the bracelets Katie offered her over the top of Kendall's bed. "They might not let her have them…"

"Who's '_**they**_?'" Katie questioned, raising a slim brow in her mother's direction.

Katie hadn't been given solid information about her sister. She knew Sage had suffered a breakdown, but no one would tell her what that really meant. Karen dodged the subject when she could and David played along. All she knew for sure was that Sage was being "looked over."

In a way, Katie was actually more worried about her than Kendall. At least her brother was getting treatment right in front of her eyes. Doctors could try to do something for him. As for Sage, a lot of her recovery was solely up to her, and no matter how much Katie loved her, she had to think that maybe Sage had been beaten down too many times to get back up again.

Katie shivered, her tough exterior cracking, when she thought about just how bad off Sage could be.

"I heard Logan say something about the psych ward on our way up here…"

"Katie-," Karen breathed in deeply, shutting her eyes for a second before opening them again to stare at her son and then at her daughter. "I don't want you to worry about more than you have to…"

"Just tell me. I'm a big girl, Mom," Katie argued, sitting straighter in her chair.

"Sage isn't in a good place… She's on suicide watch right now, and she might be staying here for quite some time…" Karen delivered the news stoically, giving it to Katie like she asked.

The girl stilled, her expression blank. Karen thought she'd ask more questions—Katie always wanted to be on top of everything—but the brunette simply leaned forward and took her brother's hand into her own. The fingers of her unoccupied hand twisted at the bracelets she tied to him, spinning the string again and again until she lost count of how many times the knot had passed over her thumb. As she finally spoke, her volume was low but steady.

"When Kendall wakes up, he'll fix her. He always does."

* * *

"She needs Kendall," James grumbled, reorganizing the stack of playing cards he held in his hands. He was never one for menial tasks—or even focusing in general—but grouping the fours with the fours and the queens with the queens was calming. It stopped his fingers from twitching and it slowed his adrenaline, his anger.

"James…" Carlos breathed, glancing quickly at Sage and then back at his own cards when he realized she was doing the usual: ignoring them.

She was in the last 24 hours of her mandatory hold, nearly an exact day after they had first been allowed to see her, and she hadn't gotten any better. If anything, she'd grown more detached. She treated the boys, the only ones to visit so far due to doctor's orders, like the others around her, like the nurses and Dr. Kroger. There was a difference, however. With the others, her detachment was genuine; they weren't a part of her reality. With the boys, though, they could tell she was feigning ignorance. After her initial fear of them, her anger and frustration, she had apparently decided to attempt to disregard their presence altogether.

Dr. Kroger said to give it time, see how it played out, and he encouraged them to visit her as much as possible, to push her boundaries with gentle shoves. Logan followed his orders to a T. He was always delicate with Sage, asking questions regardless of receiving little to no answers. He was calm with her. Carlos followed his lead, being loving and affectionate in his own way. He'd talk to her, tell her stories. He'd try anything to get her to see him.

James was different. He responded to everything with fury. His agitation with Sage was only growing instead of waning every second she didn't acknowledge his existence. If the others weren't going to push her, then he would. He needed to for Kendall.

"We aren't supposed to talk about him here. Dr. Kroger said so," Carlos reminded James, shifting the cards around in his hand.

Neither one of them cared that their Go Fish game had come to a standstill. They didn't really want to play in the first place. They just needed something to fill the time they spent in Sage's room, seated at the table in the corner. She was there when they had first arrived, coming in without Logan for once because he had to meet with Gabriel about paperwork. Sage had been curled up on a chair, facing the window and reading a book in her lap that the nurses had left on the table for her. They said she hadn't made a single movement when they went in and added the new object to her environment, but she eventually ran across it and picked it up as if it belonged there.

"'Dr. Kroger said so,'" James mimicked, violently tossing his cards onto the tabletop. "He doesn't know her. _**We**_ know her." Carlos bit his lip, placing his own cards down gently as James twisted in his chair to face Sage.

"Maybe we should give her a break. She's been on that same page for an hour," Carlos suggested, leaning sideways to get a better look at the novel in Sage's lap.

"That's because she's been listening to us…" James smirked and stood briefly, putting a hand on the seat of his chair and dragging it with him towards Sage so he could sit directly beside her, right in her space. She tensed, her blonde hair falling over her face as she curled in tighter on herself, gripping the book by the edges with more strength. "Sage, please just talk to us. I promise it's gonna be okay. We're not going to hurt you. We just wanna take you home, but you have to show the doctors that you can handle it…"

Carlos clenched his teeth together, standing up and anxiously pacing towards Sage's bed only to turn back and get closer to her again. He knew he shouldn't let James push her too hard, but where was the cutoff point? How far was too far?

"Help me, Carlos," James ordered, rolling his eyes when he saw the boy's anxious strides.

Carlos stared at him and then at Sage like a deer caught in headlights. James groaned.

"You have _**nothing**_ to add here?" he gestured to the girl beside him.

Carlos swallowed nervously as he rubbed his hands together, but his mouth wouldn't open.

"Jesus, man. What's wrong with-"

"There aren't any doctors…" Sage muttered so faintly that James barely registered the sound, but the noise was enough to make him pause his assault on Carlos.

"What'd you say, sweetheart?" James smiled, forgetting his other friend's apprehension altogether, daring to be hopeful that Sage was breaking through her damaged psyche. He pushed a strand of her hair away from her face, ignoring how she flinched, trying not to take it to heart even though the reaction tore him apart.

"There aren't doctors here, James. You're not- It's not-" she tried explaining again with her eyes shut and her fingers digging so hard into the book that the pages crinkled, but it didn't work. She wound up stopping completely and shaking her head from side to side, turning a page in her novel like she hadn't spoken at all after mumbling a distressed, "leave me alone."

"I'm tired of this shit. You're supposed to be the sane one between us," James growled, waving his hand wildly in her direction and then his own.

He couldn't stand seeing his heroine like this.

Sage taught him how to be brave, that there were worse things to be scared of other than commitment. He watched her survive real evil and still put a happy face on every day, and he took satisfaction—a sense of pride and power—knowing that he helped her do that. He helped fix her and she returned the favor. She made him a better person, a person who smiled more, relaxed more, took more risks. Camille was in his life—no matter how questionable their relationship was at the moment—and that was because of Sage. He needed her like he needed Kendall. He needed _**them**_, the package.

He knew that helping Kendall was out of his grasp now, but Sage was right there. He could get her back. He could do _**something**_.

"Snap out of it, Sage," James ripped the book from her hands, tossing it in the direction of the bathroom doorway on her left.

Sage hummed, words dying as her lips pressed together, and Carlos continued pacing with his brow furrowed and his lower lip caught between his teeth as he allowed James to go on.

He knew the boy was mad. Mad at Sage for doing this to them. Mad at the world for making her this way. Mad that they had been too late…

"Kendall needs you," James spoke eagerly, leaning his elbows on his knees. He was desperate to touch her, to reach out, but he held himself back with the last bit of restraint he possessed. "He's in a coma."

"James, we aren't supposed to tell her that!" Carlos jumped in, his brown eyes wide.

James shook his head, shrugging away Carlos' worry as he watched Sage. He wasn't sure what to expect, a good or bad reaction, but either way he prayed it would break her out of whatever she trapped herself in. Sage hardly moved, though, her hands coming together so that her fingers traced the lines on one of her palms.

"He's in Minnesota where he belongs," she whispered, her thumb dragging against the deepest valley in her skin.

Carlos ceased his walking, staring at the back of her head, and James' eyes narrowed at the newly acquired information.

"And where are you?" James pushed, his voice dangerous but low.

Sage traced her palm harder. Her nails whitened the skin, but her natural color returned just a second later.

"Ramsey."

"Damn it, Sage!" James yelled and slammed his fist down onto the windowsill in front of her.

Carlos recoiled more than she had, spinning around to the door of her room. He expected a nurse to come running—James' voice had sounded like thunder between his ears—but there was little movement outside in the halls. He didn't know if that should relax him or worry him, so he settled on being nauseous about the fact that a little screaming was probably commonplace in the psych ward.

James rose to his feet, his chair sliding behind him dramatically until it hit the table with a thud as he grabbed the back of Sage's seat to forcibly spin the four legged piece of furniture around.

Sage whimpered. Her spine was rigid, but her hands didn't stop moving as her nails traveled even higher. She appeared to be struggling to disregard him, fingers shaking and pushing harder, stretching upwards to the bandage on her arm and then back down to her wrist and then to her palm once more.

"Don't ignore me," James snarled, his volume minimal but captivating as he trapped her between his arms by gripping the back of her chair with each of his hands. He still wasn't quite touching her, but he knew it was almost just as bad for her.

"St-Stop," Sage muttered and turned her head towards one of her shoulders as if it could get her away from him.

"No," James argued and then glanced at Carlos, "I won't."

They stared at each other for several moments, James telling him without direct words that he wasn't going to back down any time soon. Carlos had a choice to stay and be a part of it or to go and pretend it wasn't happening. He hesitated, watching Sage and then watching James watch him. He'd never felt so indecisive. He was supposed to be the guy that acted without thinking. Now he couldn't seem to stop thinking at all.

Finally, though, he inched towards the door, but he didn't fully step out of it. Carlos only leaned into the hall, eyes darting to look for nurses, and then he reached around to close the curtain to Sage's observation window. He stood in the doorway, blocking most of the view from the outside. He hovered there, still unsure of what he was doing, but James took his actions as helpful and turned back to Sage with the same fire in his eyes that he had put on Carlos, the same determination.

"Sage…" James pressed closer to her, pushing her limits too hard. She cried out softly again and her nails started focusing more on the gauze wrapped around her arm. "I need you to listen. I need you to clear your fucking head. You are _**not**_ in Ramsey. Elliot is _**not**_ alive. You're in a mental ward-"

"I'm in my room," Sage countered, her face still away from James'. "You're not real," she insisted.

"Stop saying that!" James bellowed. His eyes stung, tears threatening to fall. "Look at me," he moved to grab her chin.

"Maybe you shouldn't-"

"No!" James ceased Carlos' protest, not even bothering to look at him. "We are her brothers. We're fuckin' real, and she's gonna fuckin' listen!"

His thumb and forefinger connected with her jaw gently at first, but as soon as she jerked backwards he tightened his grip and forced her to see him. But once he saw her tears, he let go.

"Why are you doing this?" he whined as her eyes darted, trying to see anything but him. "We were finally okay… Everything was okay…" he sobbed and tore his vision away from her for a second, attempting to compose himself. "You're ruining it. You're being weak, Sage."

She cried harder, shutting her eyes and clawing at her arm with more force.

"J-James, I can't- I'm not- You're not-" she began to hyperventilate as she tugged herself away from him, writhing in her chair. "N-None of this is happening," she repeated the phrase several times, mumbling it to herself as she scratched obsessively. The gauze began to tear away from her skin.

"It _**is**_ happening. You're just too scared to open your eyes. You're giving up," James spat. He moved back only to close in again and grab her upper arms firmly, no longer caring if she was comfortable. "You don't get to fucking quit!"

"James!"

The sudden sound of Logan's voice made him drop his hold on Sage. He twisted around, vision blurry from tears, but he was able to make out Logan shoving past a frozen Carlos, a nurse from the main desk following close behind.

"Everyone out right now!" the woman shooed them, pushing purposefully on James' lower back to get him going towards the door. She didn't really need to assist, though; Logan was already pulling him along by the wrist hard enough to bruise.

Right before the nurse shut Sage's door behind them, James' forgotten senses began flooding back in. He hadn't thought Sage was crying that loudly, muttering with that much volume. The bandage on her arm was in shreds. How had he not noticed that?

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Logan hissed, keeping his voice quiet and showing a restraint James didn't possess as he dragged him all the way down the hall, leaving the secure area of the ward completely. Carlos followed dutifully, head hung and feet quick.

"Since no one else will, I figured I'd help Sage," James fought, forgetting his tears as he yanked himself away from Logan once they were beyond the security area.

"You're hurting her! You have no idea what you're doing!" Logan claimed, poking James in the chest.

"Screw you, Logan. I know as much as you do," James swatted his arm away.

"Guys…" Carlos groaned, covering his face and leaning against the nearest wall between the feuding pair. Tension was rising. Normally he'd get in the middle, put a stop to it, but he didn't have the strength to care anymore. So, he breathed deeply into his hands and let the yelling happen.

"We fixed her before, and we can do it again. She doesn't need this place," James glared around the halls like he could burn the cream colored walls down with his mind.

"You're not even trying to do what the doctors say. You're being a rash, idiotic son of a bitch," Logan stepped into James' personal space, cutting the boy off before he even had another chance to speak. "You're being a selfish prick."

"Get away from me," James shoved him. Carlos kept his head down even when Logan stumbled. "Stop trying to kiss the doctor's ass and remember your _**family**_."

Logan looked away from James, unable to deny the shame he felt at the accusation.

"You're her guardian now. Make them understand that she needs to come home with us," James pled, still angry as he jerked his head towards the entrance to the ward.

"Everything she needs is here," Logan insisted, turning his focus back on James.

"You're really gonna make her stay then?" James asked, an un-amused smile on his face.

"I haven't-" Logan paused and sighed loudly. "I don't know for sure yet."

"She needs us," James maintained, standing taller.

"We can't do it alone again!" Logan shouted and tossed his hands into the air.

"You're gonna fuck this up for all of us. You're making it worse," James growled and put some distance between Logan and himself. He looked to Carlos for confirmation, for back up like the boy always gave him, but Carlos hesitated. He took another deep breath and then brought his eyes down to the floor. They were leaning more in James' direction, so he took that as a win. It was the best he'd get from Carlos at the moment.

"That's not f-fair," Logan stuttered, cowering under the pressure James had put on him. "We need Dr. Kroger. We need help this time…"

"Keeping Sage locked up isn't what any of us want."

"She's not locked up," Logan battled, hating the wording. "She's being looked after by professionals."

James didn't like the tone in Logan's voice, that know-it-all demeanor that made his skin crawl and alarms blare in his mind ordering him to fight back, to cut his friend down.

"You're going against _**everything**_ Kendall said he never wanted for her."

Air was suddenly hard to come by as Logan's body began shaking. He felt like he was going to cry at the drop of a hat after the words that just spilled from James' mouth. They echoed in his head, screamed at him in a high, frenzied pitch. Going against Kendall, his leader and mentor, went against everything he'd ever known. Sure, they had argued, battled verbally, but he pretty much always ended up following him one way or another. Deciding not to listen to Kendall, to go against his wishes, also went against who Logan was, who he had grown to be.

The thought of betrayal haunted Logan in an instant, creeping over him like a ghost, tendrils of tension, fear, uncertainty, and a lack of faith in himself settling and clinging to his back, becoming a passenger in every move he made.

"So, that's it? You're giving up too?"

Logan flinched when James spoke angrily, loudly. He hadn't said anything, but what James saw on his face must have not pleased him.

"Am I the only one around here who's sane anymore?" James chuckled lowly, looking to Carlos for more assistance.

Carlos just kept quiet, staring at the two friends he had left with a tired, emotionless countenance.

"Fine," James growled. "I'll help Sage by my-"

"If you can't follow the rules," Logan interrupted the fury-induced announcement with a calm voice, his eyes landing somewhere just behind James' head, looking right through him; finding difficulty in what he was about to say, "I don't want you seeing her for a while."

James faltered and blinked a few times, his mouth closing and opening.

"You can't do that."

"I can," Logan murmured. "I signed the papers this afternoon. It's not up to you…" He still wouldn't look straight at him; he wouldn't look at the astonishment and hurt on his face. He couldn't.

"Fuck you," James snapped, stalking away without waiting for any more discussion. He rushed down a stretch of hall to Logan's right, slamming open the door to the staircase.

"Do you have anything to say?" Logan turned to Carlos, who still hadn't moved an inch. The boy's brown eyes rose, staring into Logan's for a few beats.

"Does it matter?" Carlos slurred, bringing his head back down as he walked away, moving through the hall in the opposite direction James had gone, leaving Logan to stand alone.

* * *

"Are you sure it's okay if I go in now? She might be sleeping…" Logan paused at Sage's door, peering at the nurse in the dim lighting. It was nearly midnight in the mental ward, and it was the first time he was seeing it that late. He underestimated the amount of light the sun provided in the daytime. Now it was just florescent bulbs leading his way.

"It's fine, Mr. Mitchell. Dr. Kroger said to let you in any time, and I just took her vitals and did a routine check. She was sitting up in her bed," the nurse—Logan couldn't remember who she introduced herself as because the staff was always changing—smiled sweetly, but Logan's own face grew curious, dangerously optimistic.

"When you were in there, did she…"

"No, no," the nurse let him down easily, nice and quick. "She didn't notice me. She's still the same. She calmed down pretty fast after this afternoon's incident."

Logan nodded, forcing a polite smile as he thought about James. He hadn't seen him or Carlos since one wandered off and the other stormed away. James wouldn't answer his phone, and Carlos only talked once to Logan to fill him in on what had happened in Sage's room, but he figured it was for the best. Carlos could benefit from some time to think—he seemed so detached, still in shock—and if James was around Logan, they would most likely wind up biting each other's heads off and getting escorted out of the hospital. Logan didn't want things to be like that, but he had to fight for something now. He had to stand strong for once. He had to do what was right.

"I'll only be a little while," he informed the nurse as she stepped away, leaving him alone at Sage's door.

"Take as long as you need, honey. I'm here 'til morning anyway," she grinned and waved the cup of coffee in her hand before shuffling back to her station.

Logan hesitated with his hand on Sage's door. He worried about startling her after the day she had—he never wanted to see her cry like that again—but he decided after a few deep breaths that there would be no progress if he stayed too anxious to even go into her room. He crept inside quietly, not making any sudden movements as the door slipped shut gently behind him, but for Sage it seemed as though he'd made a grand entrance.

She sat on the bed, much like she had been the first time they saw her through the window early the morning before, but this time she stayed put when she noticed him. Instead of leaping up, exerting energy, she exhaled audibly and glanced at Logan only enough to register who had invaded her blockaded mind. Then she slowly moved down further onto the bed, lying horizontally and turning on her side away from him.

"Hi, Sage," he spoke serenely, keeping his voice even despite the thudding his heart was doing.

He wanted to get closer to her, missed hugging her, missed being there—missed being enough, like he knew James did—but he settled on staying a few feet away. He walked along the length of the bed, keeping close to the observation window, the curtains shut from the outside. Logan sank to the cool floor and crossed his legs, tucking them close to his body. The windows on the other side of the room, the ones to the outside world, allowed moonlight in. Everything glowed blue. He was sure Sage's face even held the tint as she directed herself to the light, her back to Logan completely.

"I just wanted to talk. I know you can't really do that with me right now, but… I needed to," he explained, fumbling for the right words. "I have to make a decision about where to put you tomorrow morning," Logan stared at Sage's shoulders. Her breathing was steady, but her posture was stiff. He knew she was listening. "James is mad at me now… I think Carlos is, too… I don't even fucking know anymore," he laughed and scratched at the back of his neck. "I can't even tell if you hate me…"

Sage rose a bit, but it was only to pull her pillow closer. She put it under her head, quickly lying back down and curling more into a ball above the covers. Logan found it odd, interesting even, that she was comfortable with the bed. When she had first gotten to 2J, it was one of her biggest obstacles. Now she seemed resigned to wherever she was, comfortable—complacent.

"I know you think I'm not real. I know I'm probably torturing you right now by just being here while you're trying to… survive," he spoke softly, making assumptions based off of what little information she had given them.

Logan glanced around himself, struggling to picture the environment as a bedroom, in a house, in North Dakota. He'd never seen Sage's room there, but he had always dramatically imagined a dungeon; no light and little air to breathe. Sage seemed to translate the hospital space into it well enough, though. He knew the human brain was complex, but he couldn't quite grasp the idea that Sage wasn't in the same place he was right now.

"James wants you to come home with us, but I think it's better if you stay here… Dr. Kroger seems good at what he does… Kendall's gonna hate me for committing you."

Logan grinned, stifling a yawn as he rubbed at his eyes. He remembered how heated it had gotten at even the mention of professional help when Sage came to the Palm Woods. Kendall was so against it, but he wasn't there now, and Logan couldn't take his place. He couldn't heal Sage with a word or a touch. It didn't work like that. He was starting to understand that now, but the others, his family, couldn't. James didn't want Sage to stay in the hospital and Carlos, more than likely, preferred to have her with them, preferred to do anything to pretend things weren't as bad as they actually were.

Logan knew that Sage herself would be against it after she had begged him, cried for him not to force her into therapy years earlier.

But that was so long ago. It was when the five of them were building up to a working, cohesive unit. That was fractured now. Things changed. Logan was alone in making the toughest choice he ever faced. He had to rely on just himself for once. He had to trust himself. He had to make a decision, the right decision, on his own.

"I wish I didn't have to do this... I wish it was like the other times, where you just needed a little push to get you out of your own head," Logan stared at Sage, willing her to see him, understand him, and accept him. "But none of us are enough anymore, are we? We're just people… Fucked up people. The blind leading the blind…" he smiled again without humor.

There were several minutes of peace after that. Sage had stilled, muscles relaxed compared to when he had first come in. The less he spoke, the better she seemed, but it didn't have a positive effect on Logan. The more she resisted, the more alone he felt, the more crazy he felt. His pulse raced, his hands shook, and before he knew it there was moisture gathering in his eyes.

"S-Sage, I love you… I want to do what's b-best," he choked on the word, forcing it out just as the tears slid down his face.

He wiped at them frantically like it would make them disappear. He hadn't wanted to cry, not since they loaded Kendall onto the ambulance and he had dedicated himself to being strong and level-headed.

"I need you to tell me that you don't want to be h-here," Logan stuttered, his trembling fingers swiping hurriedly at his cheeks.

He couldn't keep up anymore. The sorrow-filled liquid was pouring too quickly.

"Please… tell me that you're o-okay, that you're j-just scared, that you just n-need time… that you know I'm r-real."

Logan waited for Sage to say something, waited for anything. He waited for her to face him, to move, to tell him that she was fine. He waited until his eyes dried.

But all he ever got was silence.

* * *

**A/N: That was depressing to write. But still fun because I live for angst and I'm probably a bad person lol. Anyway, just a reminder that the bottom A/N on the previous chapter contains instructions on how to find me and this story if it's ever taken down from the site. *knocks on wood*. You never know what can happen, and I just like being prepared :)**

**Please**** REVIEW and let me know what you thought. I hope you enjoyed the chapter. I'm excited to hear from you guys as the story enters its final stretch :)**


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